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ROWAN

ROWAN ATKINSON

ROWAN ATKINSON LIVE

A WARM WELCOME

Ah hello!. It's nice to see you all here.

Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now,

this is Hell,

and I am the Devil.

Good evening.

You can call me Toby, if you like

we try and keep things informal here,

as well as infernal.

That's just a little joke.

I tell it every time. Now, you're all here for...

... eternity! Ooh,

which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time,

so you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end.

But for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups.

Will you stop Screaming!

Thank you.

Now, murderers? Murderers over here, please.

Thank you.

Looters and Pillagers over here.

Thieves, if you could join them,

and Lawyers, you're in that lot too.

Fornicators, if you could step forward?

My God, there are a lot of you!

Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest.

Male adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of

that small Guillotine in the corner.

Em... The French, are you here?

If you could just like to come down here with the Germans.

I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.

Okay,

Em... atheists? Atheists over here please.

You must be feeling a right bunch of Nitwits.

Never mind.

And finally, christians. Christians?

Ah, yes, I'm sorry but I'm afraid the Jews were right.

If you would come down here, that would be really fine. Thank you.

Okay!

Right, well are there any questions?

Yes.

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets

If you read your Bible, you might have seen that it was damnation without relief,

so if you did not go before you came,

then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much,

but then I believe that's the idea.

Okay. Well, it's over to you, Adolf!

And I'll catch you all later at the barbecue. Byee!"

FATAL BEATINGS

Well now, Mr. Perkins. It was good of you to come in.

I realise that you're a busy man,

but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.

No. No, absolutely, Headmaster, I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble,

then I'd like to nip it in the bud.

Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble.

Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired.

Dear.

He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever.

He refuses to muck in at the sports field.

And it's weeks since any master has received any written work from him.

Oh, dear me.

Quite frankly, Mr Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, EXPELLED!

If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he'd be out on his ear!

- Tommy, is dead? - Yes. He's lying up there in sick bay now,

stiff as a board and bright green,

and this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude.

You see, the boy has no sense of moderation

one moment he's flying around like a paper kite,

and the next moment he's completely immovable.

And beginning to smell.

Well, how did he die?!

- Well, is that important? - Why, yes, I think so!

Well... Well... Well, it's all got to do with the library, you see.

We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books

without library cards.

Your son was caught, and I administered a beating, during which he died.

But you'll be glad to know... You'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught,

so I don't think we'll be having any trouble with library discipline.

- You see, the library card system... - I'm sorry...

...was...

- You beat my son to death? - Yes, yes, so it would seem.

Please, I'm not used to being interrupted.

You see, the library card system was introduced...

Well, exactly what happened?

Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books!

No, during the beating!

Oh, that? Well...

well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment he was lying down, I mean, er...

- Dead? - Mmm... deadish!...

Mr.Perkins, I find this morbid fascination with your son's death

quite disturbing. What I'm talking about is his attitude!

And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from.

Well, it wasn't me that beat my son to death!

Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here.

I wondered then, as I wonder now,

if he might not have turned out a very different boy indeed

if you had administrated a few fatal beatings earlier.

- Are you mad!? - I'm FURIOUS!

In order to accommodate the funeral, I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!

- This is preposterous! - Yes, it is.

Or at least, it would be...

if it were true.

- ...What? - I've been joking, Mr Perkins.

Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour.

- I've been pulling your leg. - Oh, thank God!

I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!

AND NOW FROM NAZARETH, THE AMAZING...

And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee.

And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk.

And the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord:

"They have no more wine".

And Jesus said unto the servants: "Fill six waterpots with water."

And they did so.

And when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots,

it had become wine.

And they knew not whence, it had come.

But the servants did know.

And they applauded loudly in the kitchen.

And they said unto the Lord: "How the hell did you do that?"

And inquired of him "Do you do children's parties"

And the Lord said:

"No".

But the servants did press him, saying: "Go on, give us another one!"

And so he brought forth a carrot.

and said: "Behold this, for it is a carrot."

And all about him knew that it was so.

For it was orange,

with a green top.

And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot, and then removed it

and lo, he held in his hand, a white rabbit.

And all were amazed, and said: "This guy is really good!"

"He should turn professional."

And they brought him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the palsy.

And they cried unto him: "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy."

And the Lord said: "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher,

I'd be pretty sick of the palsy, too!"

And they were filled with joy.

And cried out: "Lord, thy one-liners are

as good as thy tricks.

Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer."

And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed.

And Jesus said unto her:

"Put on a tutu,

and lie down in this box."

And then took he forth a saw and cleft her in twain.

And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

But Jesus said: "Oh ye of little faith!"

And he threw open the box and lo, Mary was whole.

And the crowd went absolutely bananas.

And Jesus and Mary took a big bow.

And he said unto her: "From now on you shall be known as Sharon,

for that is a good name for an assistant."

And the people said unto him: "We've never seen anything like this.

This is great. You must be the Son of God."

But the Lord said: "No. I am he who comes before."

And they were amazed, and said:

"Master how shall we know the true Lord."

And jesus said: "By his name shall you know him."

And he shall have a very religious name.

And he shall be call Paul.

And Daniel, shall he be call'

Paul Daniels! They cried.

And the Lord said:

Yes.

Something like that.

Here endeth the lesson.

INVISIBLE MAN

And now, in the latest of our series, "A Day In the Life",

We present: "A Day In The Life of the Invisible Man".

Every morning, I go to work by tube.

Very soon however.

I get bored and decide to start annoying other passengers.

I usually select the most respectable person I can find

and blow gently into his left ear.

Then, into his right ear.

Then perhaps down the back of his neck.

It's about this time that the man thinks I am a draft.

But not for long.

Because I soon stick two fingers up his nose.

Higher and higher! Removing them just before he sneezes.

Then I start to manipulate some other limbs.

Now I leave him alone.

For about 10 seconds.

And when he is at his most vulnerable, I kick him in the groin.

And steal his seat.

THE GOOD LOSER

Welcome back to the Oliver Theater Awards

and we come now to the award for Best Actor of the year.

And the nominations for this year are:

Al Pacino for "Death of a Salesman"

Kenneth Branagh for "Richard III"

And then two actors both in the same remarkable new play,

"Stench" by Harold Barkworthy.

And the nominees are John Daniels in the role of Mr. Trotter.

And David Forbert in the role of Mr. Gannet.

Now, these are four fine actors and I�m sure they all agree

that the point is not to win, but to play the game...

And the winner is...

John Daniels!

Oh, SHIT!

Unfortunately, John is unable to be with us tonight.

So I would like to ask his co-star David Falbert to accept the award on his behalf.

David!

David?

David! Perhaps you�d like to say a few words?

Thank you Vanessa.

Ladies and gentleman, what a delight it is to accept this award

on behalf of my close personal,

acquaintance, John Daniels.

John cannot unfortunately accept it himself

because he is in Hollywood.

staring in his first major film role...

with Meryl Streep.

I am however, NOT in Hollywood,

not having been offeredeven a minor role in a 8mm pornographic movie!

But what a delightful object it is that John has won.

Although I am sure I will very soon receive one myself,

when I next buy ten gallons of petrol at a Texaco.

So what is it that Johnny has got

that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation?

Well, I think we all know the answer to that one...

syphilis!

And what a great and heart warming thing it is.

That he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of young actors.

Of course, to win an acting award is always a great honor,

but to receive one here in the heart of London�s famous West End

on an occasion such as this HUGELY diminishes that honor.

What could be more dull than the sordid, back-slapping sessions

where has-beens in tuxedos hand over to even OLDER has-beens in tuxedos,

awards for plays that closed the WEEK before the opened,

because the audience were clamoring instead for tickets to

Andrew Lloyd Webber�s LATEST re-arrangementof Evita,

to suture vocal range of Kylie Minogue.

Therefore, I cannot say what a delight it is that John has wonthis award instead of me.

And I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession,

in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped.

In which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members

of the judging panel, very soon.

ELEMENTARY DATING

Good evening, and welcome to the Boston University Huntington Theatre.

For this the second part of the course in "Elementary Courting for Man"

May I say, how festal I am with tonight turn-out, same 800 people.

It is very gratifying.

Tonight we will look at the first date.

Obviously, taking out a girl for the first time is a very complex issue.

The first crucial step is having arranged to pick up your date,

not to look like a complete idiot when she opens the door.

Best to look as your attention has been momentarily distracted

But when you do notice her, it is vital to say how pretty she is looking straightaway.

But, don�t overdo it.

If at this point you are introduced to her parents, attitude is all important.

You can be too casual.

But you can be too keen.

When you say goodbye to the parents, again don�t overdo it.

Lead her to your car.

And remember to open door.

Once in the car, there are various ways of driving.

If you drive like this...

You might lose her respect.

If you drive like this...

You should taken a taxi.

Before long you will arrive at the restaurant, get out of the car...

and escort her to your table.

Then tuck her in to her seat... yourself...

And attract the waiter�s attention.

Selecting from the wine list is important. Complete ignorance is not good.

When the bottle arrives, there is much to be made of the tasting of the wine.

But, don�t be too professional.

With eating, again, moderation is the order of the day.

Don�t eat too fast...

But don�t eat too slowly.

Next is receiving the bill. This is very important moment.

You must be sure not to lose your cool. This is right...

This, is wrong...

The girl may of course, offer to pay herself. In which case, you should, refuse.

For a while.

Next stop is a fashionable dicotheque.

Once inside you might look slightly strange if you try to talk over the music.

So stand casually and look sexy.

This is good.

This is better.

This, is starting to be misguided...

After stance, dance technique is most important.

Most people don�t know how to dance and so they do too much...

Other people do too little.

Some people dance as if they had something in there bottom.

And others people dance as if they had something coming out there bottom.

When all said done is best probable not to dance of the whole.

Well mimed sports injury is always useful

and a good excuse for leaving the discotheque.

You don't found up, 20 minutes later should be back at your place.

It is important to relax and make your guest feels at home

She'll probably feels nervous is you do and is no need to make any extra special effort.

Then puting on the music

One can't help you with the choice of CD.

In no matter what in these circumstances,

Donnie and Marie Osmonds greatest hits would be a mistake.

Above all, avoid the temptation to brag about your stereo.

Now comes the moments you'll be wait for, the seduction.

This, is the subject of next week lecture.

Although as a rough guide, this is right.

And this, I think you�ll agree, disastrous.

GUYS AFTER THE GAME

Ha, good evening, gentlemen.

No, no, no. That�s no problem. Come in, please.

Although, although, perhaps if we could keep that delightful singing down a little bit.

Obviously plenty of refreshment at the football game.

No, no. Come in, do.

No, no. That table is reserved.

It is also a table for two people.

Perhaps, perhaps this table might be more suitable for... nine.

If you�d like to step this way, gentlemen, please.

Ah dear, let me help you up, sir.

No, no, it is a tricky bit of floor,that.

Er, deceptively flat.

If you would like to take a seat.

Er, yes, perhaps... on the chair.

There we are.

Now, what would anybody...? Quiet! Quiet! Quiet, quiet, gentlemen, please.

What would anybody like to drink?

Nine pints of lager.

Eighteen pints of lager.

Eighteen pints of lager!

Now, if you�d just like to take a menu. Just pass those round.

There... and one for you, sir.

Oh dear, there we go! Straight onto the floor.

Here, let me pick it up for you.

Oh, and again. I�ll tell you what,

try and grip it, sir,

on either side, between the thumb and the four fingers.

If you grip, it won�t always fall on the floor.

I�ll tell you what. Why don�t we just put it on the table?

Here, let me rest it against your friend�s... head.

There we are! There, that should be fine.

Right, now what would anybody like to eat?

Erm, oh, it is a lamb dish, sir.

Yes, marinated lamb in coconut, with a cream sauce. Very nice.

No, not **** hot, sir.

It is a... how can I put it?

It is a medium spiced dish.

Oh, well in that case, no, in that case you want the Bombay duck.

No, no, duck, no, duck, duck, with D

Ho, I see, it was your little joke.

Very funny.

Well done, well done everybody on that one.

That was very good.

No, it is the Seekh Kebab

that is like two little... turds.

The Shami Kebab is a sort of a mince and onion rissole.

A bit like cow-dung, sir. Yes, but in smaller portions, in fact.

Ah, Raji, thank you. If you�d like to put the drinks down.

Well, can we move your friend?

Perhaps if we just roll him. That's a great idea if we just roll him

out of his cutlery... and into the mango chutney.

Don�t worry, he�ll be fine there. Thank you, Raji.

Now, would anybody like any "Raita"?

That�s a kind of a yoghurt dip, sort of onion and cucumber.

Yes, look, I think we'd better wake up your friend here.

Well, no he�s not just having a little nap.

He�s having a little nap face down in a pitcher of beer.

He�s going to drown.

Well... Oh dear! No, no, don�t worry, sir. Much better out than in.

Don�t you worry about it. Don�t you worry about a thing.

That just leaves all the more room for your... chicken curry, thank you very much.

Do you know what your friend here might like to eat?

Hello?

What would you like to eat?

A hot dog.

Okay, I�ll see what I can do.

So let me just go back on this, please.

We want a cucumber Raita, an onion Raita,

a paperback Raita,

but I�m presuming that�s a joke.

Four meat curry, one Bombay duck, four rice,

four Shami Kebab and a hot dog.

And anything else for starters?

Just some poppadoms and salad and yoghurt then shit.

Okay, I�ll see what I can do.

Although I�m not sure you�ll be needing that last item,

as you all seem quite full enough of shit already.

Raji, Raji, come on!

IT STARTED WITH A SNEEZE

All creatures of our God and King

Lift up your voice and with us sing

Alle-lu-ia

Alle-lu-ia...

Thou burning sun with golden beams

Thou silver moon with softer gleam

O, praise Him O, praise Him

Alle-lu-ia

Alle-lu-ia

Alle-lu-ia

... lu-ia...

... lu...

ia...

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

Do you have ever one of those days when everything seems to go wrong?

I did, and unfortunately, it was my wedding day. And three men in particular were to brame.

It all started with the priest.

I now pronounce you man and wife...

well done.

You may now kiss the bride...

Nice one.

All right, please be seated everybody.

I'd just like to say a few words before the communion.

You know, a lot of prospective brides ask me these days,

"Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?"

And I tend to reply by telling them a little story

about the first time I was asked that question.

It was a couple of years ago,

a young attractive bride to be came up to me after the service

and asked me just that question.

"Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?"

And I replied, "Well, you know, Joanne, I'd like to tell you,

but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!"

And so, she showed me.

And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question

"Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?"

I always reply, "Well, you know, I'd like to tell you...

but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!"

Next, came my trusted best man.

Um, all right, er... right, well... huh-huh, huh-huh, right, erm...

ladies and gentlemen and fellow survivors of that stunning stag party...

how did those two girls get under the table

and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste?

Er... er, right, well, erm... well, er... when,

just before I left the house, huh-huh, erm, this afternoon,

huh-huh, I said to myself, you know, the last thing you must do is forget your speech.

Er... mmm, well and sure enough, erm,

erm, when I left the house... whoops! Ha-ha, er... mm m,

the last thing I did... ha-ha, yes, you guessed it, well, was to forget my speech.

So, erm... so it's all ad lib, I'm afraid.

Er... er, er, er,... right, well, well, well, dear me, well now, now, when should I begin,

haha-ha, I'd like to begin now.

Huh-huh, er, right, well, well, well,

I've known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of eight.

And you know, he hasn't changed a bit.

Erm, well, that's not quite true, of course. He didn't have his beard then, huh-huh, erm,

and I'll tell you this, he wouldn't have been able to do

whatever he was doing last night with those two extraordinary,

extraordinary, erm... extraordinary how little people change, isn't it?

Huh-huh, yes, erm... er, although, I know I changed a great deal

because I used to be an absolute ass,

always bleating things out when I shouldn't, for instance, this afternoon.

I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to resist

mentioning the bizarre sight that greeted my eyes

when I opened this man's bedroom door earlier this morning, er... mmm.

Yes, but, but, erm, enough of that, huh-huh,

he started making gestures at me now, which I think,

huh-huh, means he wants me to cut my speech short, erm.

So, suffice to say that I'll think he'll make a ripping husband, erm...

then, I think his wife, ripping, too.

Huh-huh. And I can only hope that, that the dress will hold out, er, huh-huh, erm... so,

so, I'd like to propose a toast,

erm, to go with the pate,

huh-huh... erm, huh-huh, to the groom and to his lovely horse, erm, wife, huh-huh.

It's all, it's all starting to come back to me now, huh-huh, erm,

And I just to know that their marriage will be as happy and satisfying as I was

when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier this morning... cheers! Huh-huh...

And finally, my loving father-in-law

provided the perfect end to a perfect day...

Ladies and gentlemen and friends of my daughter.

There comes a time in every wedding reception

when the man who paid the for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own.

And I should like to take this opportunity,

sloshed as I may be,

to say a word or two about Martin.

As far as I'm concerned,

my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible,

wealthy, let's not deny it,

well-placed, good-looking and fertile

young man than Martin as her husband.

And I therefore ask the question

"Why the hell did she marry Gerald instead?"

... because Gerald is a sort of man we used to describe at school

as a complete prick!

If I may use a gardening simile here,

if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap

and I think they can

then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it.

I think he's a sort of man people emigrate to avoid.

I remember the first time I met Gerald, I said to my wife

she's the lovely woman propping up that old lush of a mother of his

either this man is suffering from serious brain damage

or the new vacuum cleaner's just arrived.

As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals

that I have ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to.

I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog.

I would like to propose a toast

to the caterers.

And to the pigeons who crapped on the groom's family's limousine at the church.

Er... as for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me,

you can sod off.

I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat.

PINK TIGHTS AND PLENTY OF PROPS

Right. Good morning everyone. Settle down now, please.

Now, as you may know we were hoping to have Mr. Jeremy Irons

with us this morning, talking to us about Acting in the Cinema.

Unfortunately, Mr. Irons has had to cancel due to an unforeseen awards ceremony.

But I have been able to procure the services of a local actor,

Mr. Bernard Huffer, who was luckily not busy.

So, is my pleasure now, to read for Mr. Huffer

as he illustrates his own lecture on Shakespearean acting

entitled "The Actor's Art".

So, "The Actors Art" by Bernard Huffer.

At the center of the Elizabethan world, sits the King.

Upon the character of the King depends the plot and so there are many kinds of Kings.

The Benign King...

The Benign King with a physical defect...

The Mad King...

The Evil King.

The Evil King hatching a plot.

The Mad King hatching an egg.

An important part was also played by messengers, distinguishable into many types.

The Messenger Enters Bearing Good News...

The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News...

The Messenger Enters Bearing Indifferent News...

The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News Which He Thinks Is Good News...

Death came swift and often in this brutal world.

Death could come at the hands of a total stranger.

Or it could come at the hands of one's closest friend.

Poison was particularly popular, applied to the frothing cup of ale of the unsuspecting victim.

First we look at the simple poisoning kill.

And then, the Villain attempting to use poison.

But in the end all of these are merely devices,

amounting to nothing whatsoever without the plot.

At the center of the plot lies the hero, who is King.

He has a twin brother.

Who is a villain.

With a physical defect.

War comes and the hero must lead his men into battle.

At the gates, the hero's mistress waits to bid her lover farewell.

And the villain's mistress bids her lover farewell also.

The war rages on for many years.

Until at last the messenger arrives with the bad news of the death of the hero.

So the villian becomes king.

But the message was wrong.

And years later, the hero returns.

In disguise.

Revealing his identity to the audience with a serepticious wink.

But his brother the villian, recognizes him

and they fight!

Finally, the villain is mortally wounded.

He dies...

... In character.

Our hero wins his rightful throne

and celebrates with frothing cup of ale, found by the side of his Brother's throne.

THOMAS, RICHARD AND HAROLD

Ashes to ashes. Amen!

We are gathered here today on this beautiful autumn morning

to pay our last respects to Thoman Fairclough,

Richard Mason and Harold Walker.

Tom, Dick and Harry.

As they were known to all of us.

Three stout fellows of our community who will be sorely missed.

Tom, sadly, was blind

an affliction he bore with great fortitude. Especially considering he was also deaf.

His only power was that of speech and song.

And we all recall his enormous voice.

Joining lustly in hymn singing.

Of course, being blind and deaf,

Tom never actually knew what hymn he was singing,

which seemed appropriate because we never knew what hymn he was singing, either.

In fact, if we had to be frank with each other, Tom didn't actually know any hymns.

aaaaa So it was with deep gratitude we recall day when

Colonel Grant, using only sense of touch, through the medium of a clenched fist,

actually broke through to Tom

and got him to SHUT UP!

Leading guidance through the darkness of life, Tom was lucky to have a friend like Dick.

Dick had perfect eyesight, and would gladly lead Tom wherever he wanted to go.

Unfortunately since Dick was deaf,

he couldn't actually here where Tom wanted to go!

Yet, like Tom, Dick never complained about his afflictions, did he?

Well he couldn't.

He was dumb;

but, blessed with gift of vision, though stone deaf,

he was a tremendous fan of Olivia Newton-John.

Being such an idiosyncratic pair, deaf to the world about them,

Tom and Dick were to have the permanent companionship of Harry.

Harry could literally here a pin drop.

Though, being blind and dumb, he could neither see to pick it up.

nor warn anyone else not to stand on it.

So, as individuals, they were sadly afflicted,

but together they were in possession of all of God's senses, weren't they.

And it is toghther, that we remember them.

Together, at their job, checking eggs at the battery farm.

Dick would look for the cracks,

Tom would complaint to the foreman,

and Harry would do the listenning to Radio One.

Likewise in the evening when they have return from work they all sit on the big red couch.

Dick watching the television, Harry listening to the television

and Tom insisting that is time to buy a television.

Sadly as we all know,

three days ago, their peaceful lives were ended.

Dick saw the combine harvester

Harry heard the combine harvester, but neither could cry out.

Tom, who could have cried out, never had the faintest idea what hit him.

And so, they were all harvester together. Blended into oneness, at last.

And now we trust are in heaven, as happy as any, with that immortal host.

Dick will see the angle's choir,

Harry will hear the angle's choir,

and no doubt, Tom will ruin it for everybody.

NO ONE CALLED JONES

Alright, come on, settle down please.

Answer your names.

Anus.

Arsebandit.

Bottom.

Clitoris.

Where are you, Clitoris?

Dodo.

Enema.

Fistup

Come on, grow up please.

Genital.

I'm sorry, Genital.

Herpes.

Still with us I see.

Imadick.

Imadick!

Enema, you know Imadick don't you?

Jaculation.

Myprick.

Has anybody seen Myprick?

Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick!

Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit later.

Nicenquick.

Ontop.

Pube. Ahhh, Myprick! So nice of you to turn up.

Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you'd like to find a seat.

Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you?

Rigid.

Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeoff.

Tightfit.

Upyours.

Vulva.

Yourprick.

And Zipper. Zipper?

Absent.

Now boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning on the subject of smut.

All mmbers of staff have noticed an alarming increase of the use of silly humour

and puerile innuendo about the school.

Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out!

There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the lavatories.

Sit up straight Ontop.

One or two unpleasant health magazines have been found.

If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY annoyed.

And Mr Hardon tells me that there has been a great deal of sniggerin in his biology class.

Tightfit, for heaven's sake, leave Yourprick alone!

I don't care, Yourprick had no business poking into your desk in the first place.

I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys,

and neither, must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock.

This is a school for the sons of gentlemen,

and the theory is that someday you will become a gentleman too.

That is with the exception of Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret.

So there will be an end to this second form toilet humour

where so much conversation is devoted to smutty double entendre.

Dodo Suckmeoff Nicenquick, detention Saturday.

Right, I'm going to the staffroom now,

but if I come back and catch Herpes in the corridor like the headmaster did yesterday,

then there'll be trouble!