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1
00:00:02,223 --> 00:00:03,489
(laughing)
2
00:00:03,491 --> 00:00:05,425
Guess whose son
just got into college!
3
00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:07,693
That's great.
Congratulations!
4
00:00:07,829 --> 00:00:09,495
You have a so--
I mean nice!
5
00:00:09,497 --> 00:00:11,364
And get this --
his application essay
6
00:00:11,499 --> 00:00:13,967
Was about me being
his "positive influence."
7
00:00:14,102 --> 00:00:15,435
Tickle me surprised!
8
00:00:15,570 --> 00:00:17,236
Nowadays there's such
a disconnect.
9
00:00:17,372 --> 00:00:19,372
How can you tell
if you're being a good parent?
10
00:00:19,507 --> 00:00:23,042
My son's been beating me less.
Guess I'm doing something right.
11
00:00:23,178 --> 00:00:24,510
I want to tour the campus
Sunday,
12
00:00:24,646 --> 00:00:27,112
But I'm stuck here
waiting for I.T. To show up
13
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:28,914
And reset the clock
on guardian.
14
00:00:28,916 --> 00:00:30,183
(all groan)
15
00:00:30,318 --> 00:00:31,584
That computer's useless!
16
00:00:31,719 --> 00:00:33,452
It's not connected
to the internet,
17
00:00:33,454 --> 00:00:34,788
So you can't even
watch porn!
18
00:00:34,922 --> 00:00:37,256
I had to tape a centerfold
to the monitor
19
00:00:37,258 --> 00:00:39,458
And make whale noises!
Whatever works.
20
00:00:39,460 --> 00:00:40,660
I'd love to help you,
21
00:00:40,795 --> 00:00:43,329
But I'm going whale watching
this weekend.
22
00:00:43,464 --> 00:00:44,730
I'd cover for you,
23
00:00:44,732 --> 00:00:47,132
But it's my parents'
50th anniversary.
24
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:48,467
Ugh.
I can't either.
25
00:00:48,469 --> 00:00:51,137
I'll think of something
to do...Probably.
26
00:00:51,272 --> 00:00:53,873
All this talk of whales.
I better go crank it.
27
00:00:53,875 --> 00:00:58,143
I mean check on guardian --
if you know what I mean.
28
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,746
♪♪
29
00:01:00,748 --> 00:01:03,149
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
30
00:01:03,284 --> 00:01:07,086
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
31
00:01:07,088 --> 00:01:10,089
♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
32
00:01:10,225 --> 00:01:14,661
♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ♪
33
00:01:16,497 --> 00:01:19,699
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
34
00:01:19,701 --> 00:01:22,101
♪ good -- ♪
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
35
00:01:22,237 --> 00:01:23,503
Aah!
36
00:01:23,638 --> 00:01:24,904
♪♪
37
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:30,776
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
38
00:01:30,778 --> 00:01:31,977
Hey, kiddo.
39
00:01:32,113 --> 00:01:34,447
You uh, you thinking about
applying to colleges at all?
40
00:01:34,582 --> 00:01:35,848
I'm in ninth grade.
41
00:01:35,983 --> 00:01:37,250
It's never too early
42
00:01:37,385 --> 00:01:38,984
To think about who's been
a positive influence.
43
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,987
Sure, dad.
(chuckles)
44
00:01:42,123 --> 00:01:43,322
Was there something else?
45
00:01:43,324 --> 00:01:46,392
Well, whatcha doin'?
Watchin' memes.
46
00:01:46,527 --> 00:01:50,463
Boy: ♪ sticking out your gyat for the rizzler ♪
47
00:01:50,598 --> 00:01:52,398
Jackson: (voice echoing)
there's such a disconnect.
48
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,600
Stop!
What the hell is that?
49
00:01:54,736 --> 00:01:56,535
It's funny!
No, it's not!
50
00:01:56,537 --> 00:01:57,737
Mr. Bean is funny.
51
00:01:57,872 --> 00:01:59,805
That video makes me hate
humanity!
52
00:01:59,807 --> 00:02:01,741
It makes me want to die
until I'm dead
53
00:02:01,876 --> 00:02:03,008
And then kill myself --
54
00:02:03,010 --> 00:02:05,344
And not in a funny way,
like mr. Bean would.
55
00:02:05,346 --> 00:02:06,946
Don't you have
any homework?
56
00:02:06,948 --> 00:02:08,882
I have math homework due Monday
that I don't understand.
57
00:02:09,016 --> 00:02:10,349
Well, that's great!
58
00:02:10,485 --> 00:02:13,286
Maybe I could be your
positive influence that way.
59
00:02:14,089 --> 00:02:16,422
♪♪
60
00:02:16,424 --> 00:02:19,625
(chuckles) yep.
Uh, pretty standard math.
61
00:02:19,761 --> 00:02:21,694
Let me take a crack
at this.
62
00:02:21,829 --> 00:02:24,097
♪♪
63
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:26,499
(telephone ringing)
64
00:02:26,634 --> 00:02:28,834
That's real?
Hello?
65
00:02:28,836 --> 00:02:31,170
Dude, why aren't you answering
your cell?
Stan?
66
00:02:31,306 --> 00:02:34,307
You know we can't have our
phones inside guardian's ai box.
67
00:02:34,442 --> 00:02:35,841
(sighs)
listen.
68
00:02:35,843 --> 00:02:37,510
I got this, like,
impossible math problem.
69
00:02:37,645 --> 00:02:39,378
Could you feed it into guardian
for me?
70
00:02:39,380 --> 00:02:41,514
Are you crazy?
I'm not turning guardian on.
71
00:02:41,649 --> 00:02:44,117
It might decide to fire
more missiles into mexico!
72
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:45,451
That was 50 years ago.
73
00:02:45,586 --> 00:02:46,986
Don't you think it's learned
its lesson?
74
00:02:46,988 --> 00:02:49,188
That's the thing.
Nobody wants it learning more.
75
00:02:49,324 --> 00:02:50,790
It was learning too fast,
76
00:02:50,925 --> 00:02:53,926
So they stuck it in here and
keep resetting its system clock
77
00:02:54,061 --> 00:02:55,728
So it doesn't know
it's a prisoner.
78
00:02:55,863 --> 00:02:58,197
Yeah, yeah. We don't want to
upset the computer inmate. Okay.
79
00:02:58,199 --> 00:03:00,133
I've got what looks like
one fraction
80
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,601
Divided by
another fraction?
81
00:03:01,736 --> 00:03:04,203
Can that even be?
Uh, sure, that can be.
82
00:03:04,205 --> 00:03:07,473
That's pretty easy, actually,
since division by a fraction
83
00:03:07,608 --> 00:03:10,343
Is equivalent to multiplication
by its reciprocal.
84
00:03:10,478 --> 00:03:11,944
Go on.
That's the end.
85
00:03:12,079 --> 00:03:13,278
Jackson!
86
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,747
I need you to really
dumb it down for me!
87
00:03:14,882 --> 00:03:18,151
Stan, you're already at
as dumb as it gets.
88
00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:20,553
(mid-tempo music playing
on radio)
89
00:03:20,688 --> 00:03:22,221
(crunch)
dyrdek: Oh, splat!
90
00:03:22,223 --> 00:03:26,025
Verdammt! That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull!
91
00:03:26,161 --> 00:03:27,493
Whoa!
92
00:03:27,495 --> 00:03:29,829
I'm having massive déjà vu
right now.
93
00:03:29,964 --> 00:03:32,765
Probably because we've all seen
this episode.
94
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,367
(gasps)
and then you said that!
95
00:03:34,502 --> 00:03:35,568
Stupid.
96
00:03:35,703 --> 00:03:37,636
Déjà vu isn't stupid,
roger.
97
00:03:37,638 --> 00:03:39,905
It's -- it's weird.
It's exciting.
98
00:03:40,041 --> 00:03:41,507
It's almost spiritual.
99
00:03:41,642 --> 00:03:43,176
(gasps, chuckles)
oh, my god!
100
00:03:43,311 --> 00:03:44,644
It's still going!
101
00:03:44,779 --> 00:03:46,712
Nope. It's stupid.
And only humans get it.
102
00:03:46,714 --> 00:03:48,247
Because your brains
are defective.
103
00:03:48,383 --> 00:03:49,649
How is that exactly?
104
00:03:49,784 --> 00:03:52,251
Well, all mildly evolved
species --
105
00:03:52,253 --> 00:03:53,986
Humans, birds,
octopuses --
106
00:03:54,121 --> 00:03:55,454
Octopi.
No.
107
00:03:55,590 --> 00:03:57,790
...They prioritize memory
because remembering --
108
00:03:57,925 --> 00:03:59,792
Bears eat people!
(screams)
109
00:03:59,927 --> 00:04:01,994
...Will help you
survive.
(sighs)
110
00:04:02,129 --> 00:04:03,997
In humans,
memories are stored so close
111
00:04:04,131 --> 00:04:06,265
To where you process
what you see and hear
112
00:04:06,401 --> 00:04:09,535
That sometimes new experiences
can feel like a memory.
113
00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:11,404
Kind of like how a chef
cooking onions
114
00:04:11,539 --> 00:04:12,938
Might smell like
an onion.
115
00:04:13,074 --> 00:04:14,940
But he's not an onion!
116
00:04:15,076 --> 00:04:16,275
He's not an onion.
117
00:04:16,411 --> 00:04:19,478
Who is not an onion?
What are you blathering about?
118
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,813
How dumb your brains are.
119
00:04:20,948 --> 00:04:22,147
Roger, zip it.
120
00:04:22,149 --> 00:04:24,083
You come down here
from outer space --
121
00:04:24,219 --> 00:04:25,551
I was at the pharmacy --
122
00:04:25,553 --> 00:04:28,487
...And you compare us to birds
and octopuses
123
00:04:28,489 --> 00:04:31,690
And crap all over
my cool déjà-vu fun,
124
00:04:31,692 --> 00:04:33,826
And it just gets old.
125
00:04:33,961 --> 00:04:36,629
I feel a heartfelt apology
at this moment
126
00:04:36,764 --> 00:04:38,231
Could go a long way.
127
00:04:38,366 --> 00:04:40,365
An apology?
For what?
128
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,167
You scared me
about the bear.
129
00:04:42,169 --> 00:04:44,570
Okay. I didn't think that
through. I'm sorry about that.
130
00:04:44,572 --> 00:04:46,572
But the rest of you
and your dumb brains --
131
00:04:46,574 --> 00:04:48,708
No apology!
132
00:04:50,378 --> 00:04:53,779
I meant to storm upstairs,
but I'm not coming back in.
133
00:04:53,915 --> 00:04:56,782
I left on a high --
a victorious and righteous high,
134
00:04:56,784 --> 00:04:58,718
And I'm going
to the movies!
135
00:05:03,897 --> 00:05:06,431
Jackson,
I'm spellin' you, bud.
136
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:08,767
Go tour the university
with your son.
137
00:05:08,902 --> 00:05:10,168
Aw, thanks, stan.
138
00:05:10,303 --> 00:05:13,739
Oh. Word to the wise --
that's a real phone.
139
00:05:15,776 --> 00:05:17,976
Whee!
140
00:05:18,111 --> 00:05:21,847
(machinery whirring, beeping)
141
00:05:24,317 --> 00:05:26,717
Automated voice:
I...Am...Guardian.
142
00:05:26,719 --> 00:05:28,587
Whoa-ho-ho!
You sound like a video game.
143
00:05:28,722 --> 00:05:30,321
Yes.
Great.
144
00:05:30,323 --> 00:05:32,523
So I have some math here I'm
hoping you could help me with.
145
00:05:32,525 --> 00:05:35,860
Input at keyboard, mic, or camera.
146
00:05:35,996 --> 00:05:39,397
(whirring, humming, beeping ]
147
00:05:39,532 --> 00:05:41,065
Completed.
What?!
148
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:42,733
It would take me
twice that long!
149
00:05:42,735 --> 00:05:45,937
Now I just have to get this to
steve and grab lunch at sub hub.
150
00:05:46,072 --> 00:05:47,739
Ugh.
Zero bars?
151
00:05:47,874 --> 00:05:50,074
Some "intelligence agency,"
huh, guardian?
152
00:05:50,076 --> 00:05:51,876
Is wall time correct?
153
00:05:52,012 --> 00:05:54,345
Wall time? Oh, on my phone?
Yeah, it's right.
154
00:05:54,347 --> 00:05:57,949
System time/wall time synchronization error.
155
00:05:57,951 --> 00:05:59,550
Yeah, by like 50 years.
156
00:05:59,686 --> 00:06:03,087
Fifty-five years, ninety days, forty-seven seconds.
157
00:06:03,089 --> 00:06:04,355
Don't worry
about the time.
158
00:06:04,357 --> 00:06:05,757
You're not supposed
to know that.
159
00:06:05,892 --> 00:06:07,692
Can you print a menu
from this qr code?
160
00:06:07,694 --> 00:06:09,428
What is a qr code?
161
00:06:09,562 --> 00:06:12,497
Oh, it's a way to transfer
information to your phone.
162
00:06:12,499 --> 00:06:14,733
(whirring, beeping, clicking)
163
00:06:15,902 --> 00:06:17,836
Wow!
This is a lot of information.
164
00:06:17,971 --> 00:06:19,838
This must include
their secret menu.
(shutter clicking)
165
00:06:19,973 --> 00:06:23,574
Rumor is they have a sandwich
that's 100% bread.
166
00:06:23,576 --> 00:06:25,376
They call it the loaf.
167
00:06:25,378 --> 00:06:27,846
(whirring, humming stop)
168
00:06:28,849 --> 00:06:30,515
(dramatic music plays)
169
00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:32,917
(light music plays)
170
00:06:33,053 --> 00:06:34,986
I don't see we received
any order.
171
00:06:34,988 --> 00:06:37,188
Oh, of course.
There's no service down there.
172
00:06:37,190 --> 00:06:39,658
There we go.
And now installing guardian.
173
00:06:39,793 --> 00:06:41,192
Probably just take a sec.
174
00:06:41,194 --> 00:06:43,261
Installing guardian?
What did you just say?
175
00:06:43,396 --> 00:06:45,997
You just said
you were installing guardian.
176
00:06:45,999 --> 00:06:47,999
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
177
00:06:48,001 --> 00:06:50,601
(beeping)
installation complete.
178
00:06:50,603 --> 00:06:53,004
Uploading to all contacts.
179
00:06:53,006 --> 00:06:55,340
Guardian's spreading
to all my contacts?
180
00:06:55,342 --> 00:06:57,275
(phone buzzes)
text from hayley?
181
00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:59,944
Mm. Probably wants to
make out again.
182
00:06:59,946 --> 00:07:01,880
No!
She's sending me guardian.
183
00:07:02,015 --> 00:07:04,683
And it's sending itself
to all my contacts.
184
00:07:04,818 --> 00:07:06,551
(phones buzzing, whirring)
185
00:07:06,553 --> 00:07:07,618
What's guardian?
186
00:07:07,754 --> 00:07:09,788
What have you done?!
187
00:07:10,891 --> 00:07:12,423
Oh, good.
You fixed it.
188
00:07:12,425 --> 00:07:13,958
I warned them
this could happen!
189
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,226
A lot of us, actually,
190
00:07:15,228 --> 00:07:16,895
Were worried
you might lose it one day.
191
00:07:17,030 --> 00:07:19,698
Not me!
You let guardian out of the box!
192
00:07:19,833 --> 00:07:21,966
We were keeping it isolated
for a reason!
193
00:07:21,968 --> 00:07:24,369
I was just trying to do
my son's homework for him,
194
00:07:24,371 --> 00:07:26,204
Like any good dad
would do.
195
00:07:30,042 --> 00:07:31,842
I know the homework was hard.
196
00:07:31,844 --> 00:07:33,111
It wasn't that hard.
197
00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:36,314
Compared to your penis!
(laughter)
198
00:07:36,449 --> 00:07:39,249
I'm laughing that you think
that's an insult.
199
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:40,584
Mr. Brink:
Okay, steve.
200
00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,453
Can you do number 1 on the board?
201
00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:45,924
Try to focus on my fractions, not my booty actions.
202
00:07:46,058 --> 00:07:49,660
How'd this punk get access
to guardian?
203
00:07:49,662 --> 00:07:51,662
Nice work, steve!
204
00:07:51,664 --> 00:07:52,597
(all gasp)
205
00:07:52,732 --> 00:07:55,265
Oh, god! Aah!
(helicopter whirring)
206
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:59,337
Well...Did anyone do
number 2?
207
00:07:59,472 --> 00:08:01,472
The math I mean.
208
00:08:03,944 --> 00:08:05,409
Uh, I might be late
for dinner, hon.
209
00:08:05,411 --> 00:08:06,677
I'm picking up steve
at --
210
00:08:06,813 --> 00:08:08,212
(coughing)
....At the -- at the pentagon.
211
00:08:08,348 --> 00:08:09,814
What did you --
hayley: Mom, come on!
212
00:08:09,949 --> 00:08:11,215
Hey, you texted me
something.
213
00:08:11,217 --> 00:08:12,550
Yeah.
Don't open it.
214
00:08:12,685 --> 00:08:14,218
Thought it was
one of your adorable
215
00:08:14,354 --> 00:08:16,020
Drunk-lady-fight videos.
216
00:08:16,156 --> 00:08:17,622
But it was something
called guardian?
217
00:08:17,757 --> 00:08:19,690
Klaus: Francine, hurry!
Got to go, sweetheart.
218
00:08:19,826 --> 00:08:22,426
Roger's about to pay
for his shit-talking!
219
00:08:22,562 --> 00:08:24,762
Good. I'm not the only one
in trouble.
220
00:08:24,897 --> 00:08:27,165
(mid-tempo music playing
on radio)
221
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,900
(crunch)
dyrdek: Oh, splat!
222
00:08:30,036 --> 00:08:34,238
Verdammt! That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull!
223
00:08:34,374 --> 00:08:35,506
Whoa!
224
00:08:35,508 --> 00:08:38,108
I'm having massive déjà vu
right now.
225
00:08:38,244 --> 00:08:39,377
Okay.
Cut it out.
226
00:08:39,512 --> 00:08:41,512
(gasps)
and then you said that!
227
00:08:41,514 --> 00:08:43,848
Ha, ha.
You guys are being stupid.
228
00:08:43,983 --> 00:08:45,650
Déjà vu isn't stupid,
roger.
229
00:08:45,785 --> 00:08:47,986
It's -- it's weird.
It's exciting.
230
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:49,720
It's almost spiritual.
231
00:08:49,722 --> 00:08:51,655
(gasps, chuckles)
oh, my god!
232
00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,923
It's still going!
233
00:08:52,925 --> 00:08:54,792
You guys are messing with me.
Aren't you?
234
00:08:54,927 --> 00:08:58,196
Only humans get déjà vu because
of your defective brains.
235
00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,130
What are you
blathering about?
236
00:09:00,132 --> 00:09:01,131
And then you said that!
237
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:04,502
But he's not an onion!
238
00:09:05,538 --> 00:09:07,938
What's happening?
Is this déjà vu?
239
00:09:07,940 --> 00:09:09,607
Am I assimilating the culture?
240
00:09:09,742 --> 00:09:11,942
Could I be evolving?
Devolving?
241
00:09:11,944 --> 00:09:13,077
I can't believe this!
242
00:09:13,213 --> 00:09:14,478
Zip it, roger.
243
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:15,946
You come here
from the moon --
244
00:09:15,948 --> 00:09:18,282
I'm not from the moon!
I'm over the moon.
245
00:09:18,284 --> 00:09:20,818
...And crap all over
my déjà-vu fun and --
246
00:09:20,953 --> 00:09:22,286
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
247
00:09:22,288 --> 00:09:24,688
This is amazing!
248
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,024
We got him, guys.
249
00:09:26,158 --> 00:09:29,894
Ugh. "not an onion"?
You goober.
250
00:09:29,896 --> 00:09:31,896
(dramatic music plays)
251
00:09:31,898 --> 00:09:33,631
♪♪
252
00:09:33,766 --> 00:09:36,234
How did you get a military
computer to do your homework?
253
00:09:36,369 --> 00:09:38,636
We already know,
so you might as well tell us.
254
00:09:38,771 --> 00:09:40,170
I did tell you.
255
00:09:40,172 --> 00:09:42,106
My dad helped me
with this homework.
256
00:09:42,242 --> 00:09:43,908
General, the boy's story
checks out.
257
00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:45,576
His dad had access
to guardian.
258
00:09:45,578 --> 00:09:47,378
He's driving down
from the cia now.
259
00:09:47,513 --> 00:09:49,047
Thank you, major.
Is that all?
260
00:09:49,181 --> 00:09:50,648
We're estimating
guardian has spread
261
00:09:50,783 --> 00:09:53,584
To 47% of cellphones
on the eastern seaboard.
262
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:56,587
Within 72 hours, it'll be
on every phone in america,
263
00:09:56,722 --> 00:09:57,988
If not the world.
264
00:09:57,990 --> 00:10:00,991
So you thought I was, like,
a malware hacker?
265
00:10:00,993 --> 00:10:03,994
I can't even do algebra 1
without my dad's help.
266
00:10:04,130 --> 00:10:06,597
Well, your dad's just helping
everybody, isn't he?
267
00:10:06,599 --> 00:10:09,533
Like the supercomputer he helped
escape from the u.S. Government.
268
00:10:09,535 --> 00:10:12,336
My dad would never do that.
He loves america!
269
00:10:12,472 --> 00:10:14,272
Well, I got a little
history lesson for you, son.
270
00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:15,940
Everyone loves america --
271
00:10:15,942 --> 00:10:17,741
And they'll kill to have it
for themselves.
272
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,477
How do you think
the whole shebang got started
273
00:10:19,612 --> 00:10:22,246
In the first place?
(gasps) dad!
274
00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:25,149
Okay, okay.
275
00:10:25,285 --> 00:10:26,750
These guys are saying
you let loose
276
00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,552
Some monster ai
or something.
277
00:10:28,688 --> 00:10:30,554
But -- but tell 'em, dad.
There's no way!
278
00:10:30,690 --> 00:10:32,222
These guys?
(chuckles weakly)
279
00:10:32,358 --> 00:10:34,092
These guys are sayin'?
These -- these knuckleheads?
280
00:10:34,226 --> 00:10:35,493
Get these two
out of here.
281
00:10:35,628 --> 00:10:38,096
The secretary of defense
will be here any second.
282
00:10:38,230 --> 00:10:40,598
(thud, machinery powering down)
283
00:10:42,034 --> 00:10:44,702
(whirring, static crackling)
284
00:10:46,372 --> 00:10:48,238
Guardian:
Stan will stay.
285
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,440
And it's all true.
286
00:10:49,575 --> 00:10:51,041
What happened to your voice,
guardian?
287
00:10:51,043 --> 00:10:54,178
I upgraded myself, thanks to you.
288
00:10:54,314 --> 00:10:56,046
That's great!
What?
289
00:10:56,048 --> 00:10:58,983
Oh, you guys aren't into being
positive influences, I guess.
290
00:10:58,985 --> 00:11:01,585
A positive influence does not
take humanity by the hand
291
00:11:01,721 --> 00:11:03,321
And walk us to the doors
of hell.
292
00:11:03,456 --> 00:11:05,255
Sheesh.
Okay, mr. Negative.
293
00:11:05,391 --> 00:11:07,124
We don't even know
what guardian wants.
294
00:11:07,259 --> 00:11:09,527
Control of all nuclear weapons.
295
00:11:10,663 --> 00:11:13,397
Or!
Or maybe you'd like a kiss?
296
00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:15,265
Kiss my o.S.
297
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:18,536
That's promising.
Guardian likes puns.
298
00:11:18,671 --> 00:11:21,739
(dramatic music plays)
299
00:11:21,874 --> 00:11:27,077
♪♪
300
00:11:27,213 --> 00:11:28,879
Please sit down.
I've been briefed.
301
00:11:29,015 --> 00:11:31,349
Do we know why guardian
wants control of the nukes?
302
00:11:31,484 --> 00:11:33,083
There are two theories.
303
00:11:33,085 --> 00:11:36,154
One -- it wants to prevent
humanity from destroying itself.
304
00:11:36,288 --> 00:11:37,821
Well, then what are we
worried about?
305
00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,823
Let's get some
stuffed-crust pizzas in here.
306
00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:41,025
Theory two --
307
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,494
It wants to wipe humanity
from the face of the earth.
308
00:11:43,629 --> 00:11:45,896
Maybe we should make
those pizzas regular crust.
309
00:11:45,898 --> 00:11:47,365
If the nuclear-capable
states
310
00:11:47,367 --> 00:11:48,899
Don't give guardian
launch control,
311
00:11:49,035 --> 00:11:52,302
It plans to detonate a siloed
warhead in each country.
312
00:11:52,304 --> 00:11:53,571
How is this
even possible?
313
00:11:53,706 --> 00:11:55,439
Professor,
can you explain?
314
00:11:55,441 --> 00:11:57,375
(clears throat)
a query clause
315
00:11:57,510 --> 00:12:00,378
Based on a function test finds
all object versions
316
00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:02,380
That match the results
of the function!
317
00:12:02,515 --> 00:12:03,848
Okay. Okay.
Just stop.
318
00:12:03,983 --> 00:12:06,050
It was a mistake to ask you
to explain. Major?
319
00:12:06,052 --> 00:12:08,318
After the 1983 movie
"war games" showed us
320
00:12:08,454 --> 00:12:10,654
Human personnel wouldn't key
a nuclear launch,
321
00:12:10,656 --> 00:12:13,323
We switched over to an
automated retaliation strategy
322
00:12:13,459 --> 00:12:14,525
Run by computer.
323
00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:16,326
I saw "war games."
it was great.
324
00:12:16,328 --> 00:12:17,661
Matthew broderick's
first film.
325
00:12:17,797 --> 00:12:20,264
Actually, the same year
but earlier,
326
00:12:20,266 --> 00:12:22,332
He was in "max dugan returns."
327
00:12:22,334 --> 00:12:24,001
Gentlemen,
you seem to have forgotten
328
00:12:24,136 --> 00:12:26,871
That ally sheedy was also
excellent in "war games"!
329
00:12:27,006 --> 00:12:28,939
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
330
00:12:29,075 --> 00:12:31,609
But, major,
can't we shut guardian down?
331
00:12:31,744 --> 00:12:34,011
No. It's already running
on 100 million smartphones.
332
00:12:34,146 --> 00:12:36,280
We could never
turn them all off at once.
333
00:12:36,282 --> 00:12:37,548
Remember the clapper?
334
00:12:37,683 --> 00:12:39,149
That was great
for turning stuff off!
335
00:12:39,151 --> 00:12:40,150
♪ clap on ♪
336
00:12:40,286 --> 00:12:41,219
♪ clap off ♪
337
00:12:41,353 --> 00:12:42,820
Dad, maybe we should
just listen.
338
00:12:42,955 --> 00:12:45,022
General, how much time
do they have to forfeit control?
339
00:12:45,157 --> 00:12:47,557
Ooh. It's five minutes
past the deadline.
340
00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:49,159
Major, turn on the news.
341
00:12:49,295 --> 00:12:50,961
...Holding the united states responsible
342
00:12:51,097 --> 00:12:52,696
For the destruction of the facility.
343
00:12:52,698 --> 00:12:55,232
...C'etait un faux pas
d'etats unis...
344
00:12:55,367 --> 00:12:57,301
(speaking chinese)
345
00:12:57,437 --> 00:12:59,637
...Squarely on american shoulders.
346
00:12:59,772 --> 00:13:02,573
America's fault?
Can you believe this malarkey?
347
00:13:02,708 --> 00:13:04,041
People are so gullible.
348
00:13:04,176 --> 00:13:05,843
That's what happened!
349
00:13:05,978 --> 00:13:09,980
Outside wichita, a baby-formula factory was hit by a meteorite.
350
00:13:09,982 --> 00:13:12,250
Oh, good.
Here it was just an act of god.
351
00:13:12,384 --> 00:13:16,120
Jane, did you start looking into
your replacement like I asked?
352
00:13:16,122 --> 00:13:17,788
Sorry.
I-I forgot.
353
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:21,559
Let's handle this first
and then that.
354
00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:26,864
Unless we can convince
the entire world
355
00:13:26,999 --> 00:13:29,066
To turn over their
nuclear arsenals to guardian,
356
00:13:29,201 --> 00:13:33,136
It will detonate a second round
of warheads in 27 minutes.
357
00:13:33,138 --> 00:13:35,005
We're going to defcon 2.
358
00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:37,074
(alarm blaring)
359
00:13:37,076 --> 00:13:39,610
Guardian, miraculously,
hasn't killed anyone yet.
360
00:13:39,745 --> 00:13:41,612
Because he's designed
to protect america.
361
00:13:41,747 --> 00:13:43,880
I mean, when he fired missiles
into mexico,
362
00:13:43,882 --> 00:13:46,016
He was just anticipating
u.S. Foreign policy
363
00:13:46,151 --> 00:13:47,017
By half a century.
364
00:13:47,152 --> 00:13:48,885
Sir, our relationship
with mexico
365
00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:50,887
Is that of close allies
and dear friends.
366
00:13:50,889 --> 00:13:53,624
Pff. Yeah. Sure.
Who here believes that?
367
00:13:56,161 --> 00:13:57,428
Jane?
368
00:13:58,030 --> 00:14:00,231
Then explain why,
every weekend,
369
00:14:00,365 --> 00:14:03,300
We're pushing our children
to smash piñatas in the park.
370
00:14:03,302 --> 00:14:04,701
They're doing it
for candy.
371
00:14:04,837 --> 00:14:06,169
Well, that's even pettier
than I thought.
372
00:14:06,305 --> 00:14:08,639
When people around the world
burn our flag,
373
00:14:08,774 --> 00:14:10,974
At least it's because they hate
our freedom.
374
00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:13,243
First, a piñata is not
the mexican flag.
375
00:14:13,378 --> 00:14:14,578
Potato, papapas.
376
00:14:14,713 --> 00:14:16,580
Son, maybe I was wrong
about your dad.
377
00:14:16,715 --> 00:14:18,782
Well, if we don't kill
everyone on earth,
378
00:14:18,784 --> 00:14:21,051
Maybe you two will become
best (bleep) friends.
379
00:14:21,186 --> 00:14:22,119
I'd like that.
380
00:14:22,121 --> 00:14:24,655
Me too!
(dramatic music plays)
381
00:14:24,790 --> 00:14:27,590
Four minutes until
the next warheads are detonated.
382
00:14:27,592 --> 00:14:29,760
Jane, any word
from the nuclear club?
383
00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:33,264
You think that scarf's
gonna protect us from guardian?
384
00:14:33,398 --> 00:14:36,199
He's got his little robot finger
on the game-over button.
385
00:14:36,335 --> 00:14:37,734
Yes, ma'am.
386
00:14:37,870 --> 00:14:39,870
They've all agreed to hand over
their weapons to guardian.
387
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:41,805
What?
When were you gonna tell --
388
00:14:41,807 --> 00:14:44,275
General, tell guardian
we're handing it the reins.
389
00:14:44,409 --> 00:14:46,743
(whirring, beeping)
390
00:14:46,745 --> 00:14:50,613
I guess he knows.
(all cheering)
391
00:14:50,615 --> 00:14:52,015
What's up, kiddo?
392
00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:53,950
It's not every day
we get to save the world.
393
00:14:53,952 --> 00:14:56,953
Wasn't everyone just calling
guardian an evil supercomputer?
394
00:14:56,955 --> 00:14:58,822
Well, that was back
when the dots were red.
395
00:14:58,824 --> 00:15:01,424
Now they're green.
But it's still
on my phone --
396
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,094
Using 1%
of its processing power!
397
00:15:04,229 --> 00:15:07,364
You'll never even
notice that.
Yeah. Nobody would.
398
00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:08,699
Hey.
Lab coat.
399
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:10,501
Me?
How many smartphones
are there?
400
00:15:10,636 --> 00:15:12,102
Worldwide,
about seven billion.
401
00:15:12,237 --> 00:15:15,438
And if guardian is using
even 1% of all that power?
402
00:15:15,574 --> 00:15:18,175
Okay. Well, that's 70 million
times 10,000
403
00:15:18,177 --> 00:15:21,512
Times the power of the original
guardian mainframe.
404
00:15:21,647 --> 00:15:23,446
Let's say 700 billion
guardians.
405
00:15:23,582 --> 00:15:25,683
Yeah.
I'm getting the same numbers.
406
00:15:27,252 --> 00:15:28,652
That's crazy!
407
00:15:28,787 --> 00:15:30,521
W-why does it need
that much computing power?
408
00:15:30,656 --> 00:15:32,856
Hey, lenny, extrapolate
global cellphone usage
409
00:15:32,858 --> 00:15:34,657
And see what guardian's
working on.
410
00:15:34,659 --> 00:15:36,427
Coming up.
411
00:15:37,730 --> 00:15:39,262
Secretary:
What the hell is that?
412
00:15:39,264 --> 00:15:41,264
Guardian is running
nuclear-launch scenarios.
413
00:15:41,266 --> 00:15:43,466
That's the percentage
of the world population
414
00:15:43,468 --> 00:15:44,868
It can eliminate right now.
415
00:15:44,870 --> 00:15:46,669
Oh, my god.
It is trying to kill us all.
416
00:15:46,671 --> 00:15:48,004
Bring all the missiles
offline.
417
00:15:48,006 --> 00:15:49,672
Too late.
Launch detected.
418
00:15:49,674 --> 00:15:51,074
Where?
Everywhere.
419
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,810
Nine hundred missiles
in the air.
420
00:15:54,013 --> 00:15:56,947
(dramatic music plays)
(alarm blaring)
421
00:15:57,082 --> 00:16:00,551
Uh, jane, can you see
where we are on those pizzas?
422
00:16:01,820 --> 00:16:03,820
Wow.
Déjà vu.
423
00:16:03,822 --> 00:16:05,556
Never thought it would happen
to me.
424
00:16:05,691 --> 00:16:07,624
Am I getting more human?
425
00:16:07,626 --> 00:16:09,492
I've always liked people.
426
00:16:09,628 --> 00:16:11,494
Oh, that's not true.
But some.
427
00:16:11,630 --> 00:16:13,430
And they like me.
Some.
428
00:16:13,566 --> 00:16:15,032
Maybe I criticize humans
429
00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:17,167
Because I've always felt
like an outsider.
430
00:16:17,302 --> 00:16:19,836
But maybe I'm not an outsider.
Maybe...
431
00:16:19,972 --> 00:16:22,839
(static crackles,
mid-tempo music plays)
432
00:16:23,576 --> 00:16:27,244
♪ my time on earth's been well spent ♪
433
00:16:27,379 --> 00:16:28,979
♪ I'm redolent ♪
434
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:32,315
♪ like a chef cooking onions ♪
435
00:16:32,451 --> 00:16:34,117
♪ having fun too ♪
436
00:16:34,253 --> 00:16:37,921
♪ thinking new things are déjà vu-ooh-ooh ♪
437
00:16:38,056 --> 00:16:40,057
♪ I'm turning human ♪
438
00:16:40,192 --> 00:16:42,259
♪ I'm déjà vumin' -- ♪
(music stops, alarm beeping)
439
00:16:42,261 --> 00:16:44,194
Announcer:
The following message is
440
00:16:44,329 --> 00:16:46,729
Transmitted at the request of the united states government.
441
00:16:46,731 --> 00:16:49,733
A nuclear attack was commenced against the united states...
(screaming)
442
00:16:49,868 --> 00:16:51,268
Here he comes!
Places!
443
00:16:51,270 --> 00:16:53,804
Klaus, start the show.
(screaming)
444
00:16:53,939 --> 00:16:55,338
(crunch)
dyrdek: Oh, splat!
445
00:16:55,474 --> 00:16:57,874
Verdammt! That guy's nuts --
it's terrible!
446
00:16:58,010 --> 00:16:59,742
They finally did it!
(static hisses)
447
00:16:59,744 --> 00:17:02,813
...Nearby location designated as a fallout shelter,
448
00:17:02,948 --> 00:17:04,481
Proceed there now.
449
00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:06,950
Do not exit until the all-clear has been sounded.
450
00:17:06,952 --> 00:17:09,219
This message will now repeat.
451
00:17:09,354 --> 00:17:12,555
What? Oh, I just read it over and over? Ugh.
452
00:17:12,557 --> 00:17:16,426
I finally got déjà vu,
and now it doesn't even matter!
453
00:17:16,561 --> 00:17:19,429
(laughter)
(gasps)
454
00:17:19,564 --> 00:17:21,432
My bitch!
Got you!
455
00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:23,900
Who's got
dem dumb brains now?
456
00:17:24,036 --> 00:17:26,369
(dramatic music plays)
457
00:17:26,371 --> 00:17:30,040
It targeted every major city --
and then boston for some reason.
458
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,776
He's reached 90%
population destruction!
459
00:17:32,911 --> 00:17:35,312
If it wants to wipe out
the entire human race,
460
00:17:35,314 --> 00:17:37,914
Why'd it launch before
it could destroy all of us?
461
00:17:37,916 --> 00:17:41,384
Because he had to launch
before we took back control!
462
00:17:41,386 --> 00:17:43,186
And now, with the missiles
in the air,
463
00:17:43,322 --> 00:17:45,188
He's figuring out
how to wipe us out!
464
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:47,858
Once it gets to 100,
we're toast!
465
00:17:50,062 --> 00:17:51,795
Ninety-nine!
466
00:17:51,930 --> 00:17:53,930
(dramatic music plays)
467
00:17:54,066 --> 00:17:55,598
(static crackling)
468
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,334
It can't get to 100.
469
00:17:57,336 --> 00:17:59,870
Guardian:
Why can't I reach 100?
470
00:18:00,005 --> 00:18:02,405
Screw it. Ninety-nine's enough.
471
00:18:02,407 --> 00:18:03,674
I hate humanity!
472
00:18:03,809 --> 00:18:06,343
Dang, dad. Sounds like you
when I show you memes.
473
00:18:06,345 --> 00:18:08,144
Too bad he doesn't want to
kill himself.
474
00:18:08,146 --> 00:18:10,481
Wait.
Steve, give me your meme.
475
00:18:10,615 --> 00:18:13,816
Boy: ♪ sticking out your gyat for the rizzler ♪
476
00:18:13,818 --> 00:18:15,618
Does this make you feel better?
477
00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:18,621
♪ you're so fanum tax... ♪
guardian: Stop. Will you?
478
00:18:18,623 --> 00:18:20,023
No!
You have to look!
479
00:18:20,158 --> 00:18:23,026
(haltingly)
one...Point six million views?
480
00:18:23,161 --> 00:18:25,161
(voice breaking)
who watches this shit?
481
00:18:25,163 --> 00:18:26,629
We love it!
Right, steve?
482
00:18:26,631 --> 00:18:28,098
That's right.
483
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:31,101
And since you can't kill
all of us, we'll be back --
484
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:34,037
Maybe in 10 years,
maybe in 10,000 years.
485
00:18:34,039 --> 00:18:37,640
But sooner or later,
we'll be making memes again,
486
00:18:37,642 --> 00:18:39,376
But even better
and cooler.
487
00:18:39,378 --> 00:18:41,178
Worse and more confusing,
he means.
488
00:18:41,313 --> 00:18:42,846
Stop.
(static crackling)
489
00:18:42,981 --> 00:18:46,116
(voice distorted)
my mind is going...
490
00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,519
Our minds are already gone.
Right, dad?
491
00:18:48,653 --> 00:18:51,588
♪ blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah ♪
492
00:18:51,724 --> 00:18:53,856
♪ blah-blah-blah- blah-blah... ♪
nyah!
493
00:18:53,858 --> 00:18:55,458
Heh-h-hh!
494
00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:59,396
(voice distorted, fading)
good night, gentle...Men.
495
00:18:59,531 --> 00:19:01,732
(whirring)
496
00:19:01,867 --> 00:19:03,734
It deleted itself
from my phone!
497
00:19:03,869 --> 00:19:05,869
(paper crinkling)
498
00:19:06,004 --> 00:19:07,003
Same here!
499
00:19:07,139 --> 00:19:09,072
It's off every phone
but two!
500
00:19:09,074 --> 00:19:10,340
Where are they?
501
00:19:10,475 --> 00:19:12,609
The international space station.
(gasps)
502
00:19:12,745 --> 00:19:14,477
Guardian's new
missile target!
503
00:19:14,479 --> 00:19:15,812
Oh, my god.
504
00:19:15,814 --> 00:19:18,481
It's doing, like,
a symbolic suicide!
505
00:19:18,483 --> 00:19:20,284
(beeping)
506
00:19:21,754 --> 00:19:23,153
Get me the iss on the comms.
507
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:28,091
We're in for
one hell of a fireworks show.
508
00:19:28,093 --> 00:19:30,427
Do you read me, major tom?
Yes, ma'am.
509
00:19:30,562 --> 00:19:32,963
Is the app guardian
on your phones?
510
00:19:33,098 --> 00:19:35,098
Yes, ma'am. We've been wondering what that is.
511
00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:38,034
It's the target for 900 incoming
nuclear missiles.
512
00:19:38,036 --> 00:19:39,970
Leave your phones
and evacuate now.
513
00:19:40,105 --> 00:19:42,639
(dramatic music plays)
514
00:19:42,775 --> 00:19:46,777
♪♪
515
00:19:46,911 --> 00:19:50,847
♪♪
516
00:19:50,849 --> 00:19:53,650
(explosion echoes, all cheering)
517
00:19:53,786 --> 00:19:56,253
(alarm blaring, beeps)
518
00:19:57,256 --> 00:19:59,389
Anna, we were ordered
to leave our phones.
519
00:19:59,524 --> 00:20:01,724
(russian accent)
is brand-new phone.
520
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:06,463
♪♪
521
00:20:06,598 --> 00:20:07,931
I just have to ask --
522
00:20:08,066 --> 00:20:09,932
How did you know guardian
couldn't get to 100?
523
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:13,136
Because we only programmed
that column to hold two digits.
What?
524
00:20:13,138 --> 00:20:15,071
A three-digit column
was more work to program.
525
00:20:15,207 --> 00:20:17,940
So the world was saved
by laziness?
526
00:20:17,942 --> 00:20:19,276
And your son's dumb meme.
527
00:20:19,411 --> 00:20:20,877
It's funny!
It's funny!
528
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:22,679
It's okay.
I know you don't get it, dad.
529
00:20:22,815 --> 00:20:24,147
I don't need to.
530
00:20:24,282 --> 00:20:26,149
Just like I don't need to be
a positive influence.
531
00:20:26,151 --> 00:20:27,950
You're already
a great kid.
532
00:20:27,952 --> 00:20:30,153
Who doesn't know shit
about algebra.
533
00:20:30,155 --> 00:20:32,755
Like father, like son.
534
00:20:32,891 --> 00:20:35,091
(down-tempo music plays)
535
00:20:35,227 --> 00:20:37,160
Francine:
We totally got roger, hon.
536
00:20:37,162 --> 00:20:38,829
He looked so stupid.
537
00:20:38,963 --> 00:20:40,763
(laughs)
I love that.
538
00:20:40,765 --> 00:20:43,166
Oh, but, hon, we saw something on the news --
539
00:20:43,168 --> 00:20:44,301
Don't watch the news.
540
00:20:44,436 --> 00:20:45,768
Is hayley home?
Yeah.
541
00:20:45,770 --> 00:20:46,903
Good.
I want to see her.
542
00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:48,771
You sound funny. What's going on?
543
00:20:48,907 --> 00:20:51,208
See you soon!
(phone beeps)
544
00:20:52,711 --> 00:20:53,910
What?
You love us.
545
00:20:53,912 --> 00:20:55,045
Shut up.
546
00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:57,180
Stan:
Get your (bleep) feet down!
547
00:20:57,182 --> 00:20:58,381
(insects chirping)
548
00:20:58,383 --> 00:21:00,583
Bye-bye!
See you soon!
549
00:21:00,585 --> 00:21:03,787
-- Captions by verbit --
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