Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is

the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids

-who I'm proud of. -[grunts]

'Cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run! Run for it! -[Lip] Quick. Leg it!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

-One, it stands on end... -[barking]

...and makes him look like Toyah.

-Two, nits love him. -[yells]

[Frank] Debbie! Sent by God. Total angel.

You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus, Liam, gonna be a star, once we've got the fits under control.

[shrieks]

-[Frank] Sheila, me bird. -[both shriek]

Couldn't be happier. One plate short of a full set, like.

Fantastic neighbours...

-Kev and Veronica. -[fireworks crackling]

[Frank] Lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life,

is they know how to throw a party!

[laughs] Scatter!

[Kev] Me Dad used to say, never a lender or borrower be.

Bit rich coming from a bankrupt crackhead.

I wanted to tell him how wrong

-he was. -[car horn honking]

'Cause since the Gallagher's moved next door,

we've lent, they've borrowed, paid back.

[Kash over PA] Kash for Chatsworth.

[Kev] The truth is, l like it.

They make a lot of people around here feel needed.

Well, better off, anyway.

l haven't done anything wrong!

He's a social worker, not a policeman.

He's tried calling at your house a few times with no luck.

-[door opens] -[school bell ringing]

-Steve! -Uh, now, Deborah,

"Mr Bannister" to you. You can call me Steve

when you lot start answering your front door. Deal?

Yeah? All right. Sit down. [sighs deeply]

All right. Uh, Deborah Gallagher.

-You look well enough. -[Deborah giggling]

-How's the rest of the family? -Really good.

All right, uh...

Fiona.

l need you to give her this.

["You'll Never Walk Alone" playing]

Thanks for your support.

♪ Walk on, walk on ♪

[Yvonne] Kash for Chatsworth.

♪ With hope in your heart ♪

[DJ] It's your last chance to bag the winning ticket for tonight's prize.

♪ Never walk alone... ♪

[DJ] And tonight's prize is two tickets

to this weekend's Lady Mayoress' ball.

Don't be shy, it's black tie, the Lady Mayor wants you there.

♪ You'll never ♪

A bit more ice in this, Jez. It's getting warm.

Has your Brendan forgotten about you, love?

Forget his head if it weren't screwed on!

Hey, l once bumped into the fella that wrote this.

It's a Scouse fella.

Rubbish! It's from Carousel is this.

-It's Gerry and thingy. -Gerry and the Pacemakers!

Get your facts right, Bo' Selecta!

Just ignore him, Lillian, love.

♪ And you'll never walk ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ You'll never walk ♪

♪ Alone ♪

[DJ] There you go, the Scouse national anthem.

That's for sure.

[Lip] Lillian, can l have a word?

Your Brendan's been knocked down.

[Lip] Corner of Easton Street. Lis-- Sorry to be honest

but he looks pretty rough.

Well, the police are looking for you.

-Oh, dear God! -[Carol] Come on, Lillian.

-[Jez] Don't. -[Lillian] Oh.

[Carol] I'll go with you.

What the fuck have the police got to do with it?

Because it was a police van that knocked Brendan over.

-[Lip] He's dead. -Oh, don't say that!

Well, l didn't want to tell her!

Oh, here we go, another one. Telling-you-for-a-fact-dot-com.

And pray, young sir, how the fuck would you know

whether someone's got a pulse or not if you're shagging

a bird double your age?

Because Brendan's body landed on the Ian's of the street.

But his head landed on Lip's.

Hey, no. [scoffs] Way too much fucking information!

-[DJ] Are you ready? -[crowd cheering]

-[DJ] Can't hear ya. -[crowd] Yeah!

[DJ] The winner

-of the cocky Jockey... -[yelps excitedly]

...rollover raffle for that lucky mucky

all-night party at the Lady Mayoress' Ball is...

-[Sheila yelps] Yeah, yeah! Come on! -...twenty...

-[yelps excitedly] Come on! -...seven!

-[DJ] Number 27! -[yelps excitedly]

-Yeah! No! Oh! Yeah! Oh! Yeah! -[DJ] Have we got a winner?

[gasps]

-[DJ] Twenty-seven! -[Sheila] Where's my 27?

Where's me 27? I had a two and a seven!

Who's got me seven? Who's got me seven?

-[Sheila screaming] -[DJ] Number 27?

Here.

-Winner! -[crowd cheering]

Get fucked!

Yeah! We won! We won!

[DJ] Who'd have thought that? Frank Gallagher.

More jam than Hartley's!

-Fix! Fix! Fix! Fix! Fix! -[DJ] Frank Gallagher.

[Frank] I'd just like to say that, uh...

-uh, it's me birthday next week. -[crowd groaning]

And, uh, “He’s got the key to the door,

-never been 47 before.” -Okay.

-We can't believe it. -Forty-seven, eh?

And, uh-- Well, it's...

I mean, this could not have come at a better time for me.

It's not an Oscar!

Um, I've been feeling a bit postnatal.

-'Cause I've got eight kids. -[Jez] You all right, Deb?

-[indistinct chatter] -[woman laughing]

-[Debbie] Fiona. -What's happened?

-Nothing, I just need-- -Somewhere out there

there is a God...

-Yeah! -...shining a light...

-[giggles] What? -Steve's back.

[woman laughing]

-Who's telling you that? -Steve, l saw him. I saw him,

he's desperate to meet you. He came to the school.

Oh, hey. Now, is she having a drink for my birthday or what?

No, Craig. She is going home.

Oh, come on. At least let her have a lager and thingy or--

Craig, do us a favour and f-- [chuckles softly]

Keep an eye on the drinks for us before me dad does, yeah?

He tried to contact you at work but he didn't know you'd moved.

I know.

The nursery passed his number on a couple of days back.

-Well, you need to ring him. -No, you ring him!

Tell him to stay the fuck away from me, you, or any of us!

Hey, Kev!

Pint of lager and a very big E.

Keep your voice down, Frank. Members of the council are in.

Hello, good man. I'll be honest, bit rough here.

Pint of lager and a very small vowel, if you will.

Mickey.

Give us a sec.

[Kash] How's it hanging, Bernie?

[mouths] Thank you.

If we are friends, shouldn't you have told me

that you were going to stand against me for this ward?

Uh, but we're not, so no need.

Never test your own popularity

if you can't stomach the smell of rotting failure.

-[Kash blowing raspberries] -[Yvonne] Yeah?

Well, best to beat a winner when a winner's truly beat,

which you are.

So, go screw yourself, you greedy, fat bastard!

Kash is going to trounce you.

Be scared, be very scared.

Now, fuck off!

Can't believe what you just did. That was Lillian's ticket!

Oh, well, fuck off!

All night party for two.

What's she gonna do? Take his head?

-[Lip] Whoa! -[glass smashes]

l don't know what to say, Mrs Tyler.

The officer driving the van is gonna have to live

with this for the rest of his life.

-And his cap managed to stay on? -l know.

-Green trilby? -Yeah.

Surely that's how he'd like to have died.

Little bit of his old-fashioned dignity.

Yeah, but not before he turned 65.

[sombre music plays]

[laughs] That looks like you.

[Debbie] That one looks like you. [laughs]

Any more orders for breakfast? Say now or do it yourselves.

Uh, not for us, Fiona.

Lena's giving us a lift to school.

Me. Lena's giving me a lift to school.

It's the same school.

What, you wouldn't wanna watch us fucking, mate?

[car horn honking]

[Lip grunts]

I'll be two minutes! [laughs]

Sit down.

[Ian mutters]

Hey? Are you right in the head, shagging a 16-year old?

-What's that all about? -It's legal.

Where do you get off, telling him what to wear

and taking him to get his hair cut?

You're not his mother!

-[door opens, shuts] -Neither are you, Fiona.

-What's going on? -[Lena] Nothing.

Fiona likes the way l do me makeup. l was just giving her a few tips.

See ya.

[door shuts]

[Ian] See ya later, Fiona. See ya later, Debs.

[Debbie] See you later.

[sighs]

[door shuts]

He wanted me to give you something.

Forget about it, Debbie. l don't want to know.

But he--

Hey. [chuckles softly]

-[babies babbling] -About 11:00,

they're trying liquidised solids.

Same again for lunch, but a bit more lumpy.

They should sleep till about half six.

But if you sing them a bit of Cliff Richard,

slide off for another ten minutes, won't you?

[Veronica] Hmm. We've got the spare room all sorted.

Are you coming to Auntie V and Uncle Kev's for the weekend?

You're gonna love it. Yes, you are!

[Sheila] I wouldn't ask, but I can't let the Lady Mayoress down.

Aw, look at the size of them. Big head, little legs.

[chuckles] Which Cliff Richard, Sheila?

[sighs] Well, any, apart from, "The Millennium Prayer".

If all else fails, sing "Jerusalem".

They go out like a pair of candles.

Don't you? Oh.

How's there a God if his head ends up that far away from his boots?

Come again?

Don't actually register Brendan's death

with the town hall.

How can l not? It's in all the papers.

Yeah, but only the next of kin

has the authority to actually register the death.

And I'm saying don't.

l turn up and sign for his benefits, 80 quid a week.

We'll split it 60-40 in my favour.

-What have you got to lose? -Sixty percent.

Yeah, but...

l mean, you know, Brendan, God bless him, and all that.

He's neither use nor fucking ornament to you now, is he?

l will struggle without his money.

Yeah, yeah.

So, what's Buddhism all about if it's not forcing the dead

to behave like they're still here, eh?

Well, you'll have to take Sadie off me hands.

-Sadie? -[whistles] Sadie.

[Sadie whines]

[Lillian] I hate the thing!

Every time we had sex, it used to howl to be let out.

Nearly wrecked our marriage!

Yeah, so anyway, nobody is more of a dog person than me, Lillian.

Oh, right, good. Ta-ra, Frank.

Come on, Sadie. Who's a beauty?

Who's a beauty?

[sniffs] Meat.

Sack. Meat. Meat!

Sack.

Come on. Come on, come on, come on.

Scooby-fuckin'-Doo!

[Sadie yapping]

[Sadie howling]

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

[humming]

[can opens]

What are you up to, you?

-What are you doing to that bag? -Caught in a fence.

[Carol] Likely story. That's been burned!

-Electric fence. -[distant siren wailing]

You need to know what danger lies ahead for you.

-Are you threatening me, Bernie? -If you split the vote,

we'll have the lunatics running Chatsworth.

"UKIP! I-KIP! WE-KIP!"

Well, you should've thought about that before you refused us planning

for the extension out the back.

[scoffs] Is that what all this has been about?

Well, why didn't you say? A few phone calls, fix that.

-No problem. -What Yvonne's saying, Bernie...

Too late.

You crossed the line. We're sick of having to slip you backhanders

for anything we need doing.

People are sick of you charging for democracy.

-Oh, aren't you the noble one? -Noble be buggered.

If Kash gets on the planning committee,

he's never gonna have to work another day in his life.

[Kash] Ah, then we might be able to afford an apartment in Spain.

Hey, we can buy Bernie's when he's forced to sell up!

[both laugh]

Be careful what you wish for!

[both] ♪ Congratulations and jubilations ♪

♪ I want the world to know I'm happy as can be ♪

♪ Who would believe that I... ♪

♪ Contented ♪

[Veronica] What key are you in?

[both] ♪ But that was in the bad old days ♪

♪ Before I met you, eh ♪

♪ When I let you walk into my heart ♪

[sobs]

Um, what's up, Debs?

♪ Congratulations ♪

[sighs deeply]

[Veronica sighs]

[sighs]

You can't blame Fiona.

-Steve left her high and dry. -Fine, if that's all he did.

But-- But he's come back to put things right.

Bad timing, sweetheart. She's having Craig's baby.

-By accident. -Yeah-- [sighs]

She's made some big decisions that she can't unpick.

She likes Craig, but she loves Steve,

more than she'll ever love anybody.

Listen, Debs...

I'm one of the lucky ones.

But we can't all have the perfect ending.

[Kev] Here we go. They were out of hot chocolate.

So, I got mushroom soup and a bit of grass

-to calm things down. -Kev!

Well, not for Debs, obviously.

I need to make a phone call.

Get Debs to show you how to download your music files.

...Which is inheritance tax in a nutshell.

Which twisted shit came up with that little gem?

Inheritance tax? [scoffs]

I've made sure my kids won't be saddled

with that kind of torment once I've gone.

Cash in the policies,

let them watch you blow the lot while you've a breath left in your body.

[Bernie] Yeah. Listen to the lady, huh?

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Anyway, what are you going to leave behind?

A couple of skid marks? [Bernie laughs]

Couldn't answer a prayer, you fat cunt.

Hey! He's just paid your drink off.

Me? What for?

Because he's bought us all a double.

He must think we're simple. He's buying votes.

That is not allowed. Rum and black, please, Jez.

Bless you, Bernie.

-[dog whimpering] -[Bernie] Cheers, love.

-Oh, for fuck's sake. -[Carol] Oh, hello, gorgeous!

Is this the little minx you've taken off Lillian's hands?

One stroke of luck in 15 years, and that's me lot.

-[Sadie yelping] -Is it?

[Sadie barks]

-[Yvonne] You're covering Chatsworth East. -[Vernon] Yeah, perfect.

[Yvonne] Verna, you're in Selena's car.

Now, come on. Let's go, go, go.

-Not you. -Why not?

Well, who's gonna help me in t' shop?

[Yvonne] Verna!

You've left your bloody bag!

[thud]

[Carol] Lillian, you okay? What's this lot doing here again?

[Tony] The post-mortem found that your Brendan, he...

He had a bullet in his head.

Oh, it killed him instantly.

You see, that's why he never dodged out of the way of the van.

[Stan] Ballistics are certain.

That bullet came from the same gun that was used in a drugs killing last month.

No. Drugs? Brendan?

[Stan] They found umpteen class A drugs in his system.

His death could have been part of a turf-war gang job.

[Tony] We need you to come down to the station just to clear

a few things up, if that's all right, Mrs Tyler.

[Tony] Yeah? All right, lads, put her in the van.

[gasps] Oh, Lillian.

[Carol] Brendan was no druggie.

Look at him, for God's sakes.

Post-mortem shows he was using

marijuana, amphetamines, plus solvents

-and common adhesives. -[siren wailing]

That face was totally self-inflicted.

You're fitting him up to get out of paying any compensation,

you devious buggers!

-[Tony] Right, Stan. -[Stan] Yeah.

CCTV shots from the bookies at the end of Easton Street.

Five seconds before our van rams him,

Brendan gets a bullet in the head.

Five seconds later, skinhead with a white bag

legs it from the scene. Chatsworth School uniform. See?

[Stan] Probably a drug runner.

[Tony] Right. Come on, Stan.

Let's round up all the local skinheads, starting with the school.

-Thank you. -[police radio chatter]

Here you go.

You're the one with the gob. Why didn't you try getting elected?

A, I'm the one that runs this business properly,

meaning, B, people generally hate my guts.

Oh, give over. People respect you.

[chuckles softly] Personally, I couldn't give a shit.

But they're gonna love Kash making a name for himself,

'cause they think he's married to a hard-nosed bitch.

Witch-ass Cherie Blair helped Tony get elected.

Since when did Kash need electing to feel wanted?

Since I told him to.

Have you got a problem with that?

Yeah. If Kash wins, I'm stuck here doing extra hours for you,

just so he can be somewhere else.

Oh, and you think I started all this to keep you two apart?

-Well, haven't you? -[scoffs]

[plastic rustling]

What you doing in here?

Looking for drugs, if you must know.

Try asking.

Proper drugs.

Where's Fiona?

She won't have any. She's skint.

No?

Well, what about your Carl?

Here.

Have a look at this.

[Lip] Ah, no! No!

-[Lena] Pass it! -[Lip] Come on, shoot it.

[all laugh]

[indistinct chatter]

-[Lena] Help! -[Carl] Where has he gone?

Would you like a cup of coffee, Craig?

Um, no, ta. I think I'll shoot straight up for a shower.

-[Craig] Fiona up there? -Um, I don't know where she is.

She nipped around to Veronica's to fix the washing machine.

No, she hasn't.

What?

Does she know how?

It's fine.

It's working.

I promised Steve I'd try and talk to you.

Don't go taking it out on Debbie.

I agree with her.

What harm can ten minutes do?

You know fucking well what harm it'll do.

No, I don't, Fiona, and neither do you.

[sighs] If I agreed-- If I showed up--

What have I got to tell him that he'll want to hear?

Probably wants to know whether you still love him or not.

[voice breaks] If I do?

Of course I do.

[sobs] Good's that gonna do when he knows I'm pregnant?

He's not gonna want to hear that, is he?

[sobs]

[Veronica] I don't know, sweetheart.

-[sobs] -You'd better ask him yourself.

[gasps, pants]

-Um... I was, um... -[breathes heavily]

I'm... I really don't know what I'm supposed to say.

[sobs]

Shit.

[Debbie] Got no time. You're supposed to be getting ready.

Shit! Shit!

If Fiona's not late, I'm not late, am I?

[Veronica gasps] Fuck off!

Carl said your washer wanted seeing to.

[mutters]

Yeah, that won't work, it's not hooked to your gas that.

[gasps] Oh, Jesus, there's...

-Yeah, let's have a look. -...soap powder in me eyes.

Here, come on, under the tap. Splash 'em.

Have you got any towels, Veronica?

Towels, yeah. U-- Upstairs. S-- Stay there, Craig.

Just hang-- Hang on. S-- Stay there.

-[sobs] -[door shuts]

[indistinct chatter]

[Steve] I'm not moving.

[Veronica] Steve, just get upstairs.

[Veronica] Listen to me. Will you go upstairs?

-Veronica, no! All right? -For Christ's sake, Steve!

Okay...

Just blame me. And I'm not saying that...

I asked him 'round here... [sobs] ...not her.

Can you come up here a sec, Carl?

-What for? -Talk about Tuesday night.

[Debbie] Stupid, gormless, little prick!

What have you done? What have you gone and done?

-[Ian] Get off of him! -[screams] Get off me! Get off!

-[Lip grunts] -[Debbie] Why'd you tell Craig?

[Ian] Lay off him, Debs! He's in bigger trouble!

-What is this? -Lip, get off!

I shot him. Brendan!

It was me, all right?

[Lip] What did he say?

I didn't mean to kill anybody.

I swear.

[cigarette lighter clicks]

[Craig] Need a straight answer, Fiona.

-That my baby? -[Steve] Don't answer that.

-Ask him if that matters. -What?

Look, I came here for you, whatever that meant...

and I've heard a hell of a lot that I didn't bank on.

But I'm still here.

-So, what does that mean? -[Craig] You...

shut your fucking mouth before I do a lot of people

a big favour and take your neck out.

Back of a long queue, action man.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! All right. All right.

Listen. Look, if all he wants to know is if it's his baby,

then what's the question? You know what I mean? What's his question?

Oh, fuck off.

Craig! Craig?

Oh, my God. Craig, Craig. Craig, can you hear me?

-Look, let me in. -You need to fuck off.

The police are still looking for you. If they find you here, we're all dead.

Watch. Watch yourself.

[Steve grunts]

[Fiona] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Steve grunting]

[Fiona] Hey, sweetheart. It's okay.

Hiya. Yeah, ambulance.

[Veronica] Hiya. Yeah.

6 Windsor Gardens, Chatsworth Estate. Stretford.

Please, Fiona.

[Veronica] He's banged his head and tripped...

l can't live without you.

Why me?

'Cause he needs someone with him.

But I didn't see what happened, did I?

He banged his fucking head! What more do they need to know?

[ambulance siren wailing]

[birds chirping]

Yeah! Yeah!

[grunts] Go on!

Come on! That's it!

[grunts] Look!

Yes! Yes! Come on! Come here! Come here!

[grunts]

[Sadie yelps, thud]

-[horn honking] -[tyres squealing]

[cars crashing]

Oh, I'm having flashbacks to Jack Brabham here. Nightmare.

-[tyres screeching] -[car horns honking]

[Veronica] Debbie.

What now?

[Veronica] No. Hang on. Shut up. I don't want to know.

What?

Cannabis is on prescription for Brendan's glaucoma.

And he only ever uses the glue

for a bit of fun with the matches.

So, you're admitting he sniffed glue on match days?

No! The matches.

Okay, fine. But that doesn't explain

the amphetamine sulphate also found.

They're mine.

I was on them long before they were popular.

I'd slip one in his dinner when he started to tell jokes I'd heard before.

So, you were getting speed on the NHS? Come off it!

Narcolepsy.

If I get overexcited, I have a habit of...

[thud]

It is his baby.

No, it isn't.

It's yours.

Look...

Look, if we get married as soon as we get there...

[scoffs]

...look, we're entitled to a two-bedroom flat.

We can still turn over the odd car, if we're careful.

You know... pay for bills and food and stuff.

You'll have to get a part-time job, though.

You know, pay for our drinking habits.

I'm not drinking.

Well, then, we're basically sorted out.

[sobs]

Even if I could do this to Craig...

[voice breaks] ...I can't leave my family.

Fiona, we've been here before.

-[sobs] -[Steve] They don't need you...

as much as you think they do.

They don't.

Just ask them.

I promise you, Fiona...

I will not let you down again.

I'll make you happy.

[sniffles]

[sniffles]

I don't bake. I can't bake!

You just have to make it look like you know how to.

You.

Snap out of it or disappear.

I don't want her to go.

Neither would I, if I was in as much bother as you.

Tough shit, Carl. Fiona's going.

Say one wrong word before she does and I'll cut your tongue out, got it?

[Debbie] And that goes for all of you.

If Fiona finds out about Carl, you're all dead.

[Debbie] Seeing if Steve's sorted.

Hurry up!

Kev's just phoned. Craig signed himself out.

Seven stitches, and he signs himself out.

They're getting in a taxi now.

-I should speak to him. -[Lip] Fiona, don't.

You'll fall apart and change your mind.

-It's the least he deserves. -No, it's not. He's second-best.

He's used to getting over stuff like this.

[Lena] Oh, I hope this is the last of them.

We've got Steve on the backseat,

under a blanket.

[indistinct chattering]

[Lip] All right, Debs. Thanks a lot. Come on. Let's go.

Like he'll think it's for someone else.

Come on! Will you hurry up?

[sighs]

[Veronica] Hurry, hurry! Move it!

[gasps]

Don't worry. We're all gonna be fine. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

Look at me. State of me. Found me baking hands.

I was hoping to send one with you.

[Carol] Take care of yourselves.

We'll need a number, in case anything goes wrong.

Come here.

[mouths] You.

[Fiona] Hey.

-See you, beautiful. -Where are you off to?

-Just going on a holiday. -Okay.

Give me a cheeky kiss.

-[Steve] Fiona! -And a cuddle?

[Steve] Fiona, we've got to hurry!

Oh. [smooches]

When are those cakes gonna be ready?

It's no good, I can't leave him.

No, you can.

Dad and Sheila are gonna collect him.

[Debbie] He's moving in with them.

[Carol] Is that true?

Don't be soft. I won't let him near my dad.

[sombre music plays]

-[Steve] Ow. -[Lip] Sorry.

[Steve] Yeah, you'd better be.

[Veronica] Bit hard.

Come here, you two. Come on.

-Take care. -[engine revs]

[Fiona] I love you.

[car horn honks]

[Fiona] I'll be in touch.

[Steve] I love you.

You'd better. So, where am I taking you?

Car's parked in Chorlton.

-[car horn honking] -[Fiona] See ya!

See ya!

I got chucked off the bus for swearing.

Fuck you! Twat! Fat bastard!

Started walking home.

[Carl] That was when I found it.

I didn't know what it was at first.

It were just lying there in the grass.

It were dead heavy and cold. I knew it weren't a toy.

[Debbie] The fact you had a gun isn't the point, Carl.

Why the fuck didn't you tell one of us?

-Or-- Or hand it in somewhere? -I just wanted to know what it felt like.

Took it to school, but no one knew.

[cocks gun]

[laughs]

I didn't know it was still loaded.

Until I saw you two playing footy in Easton Street.

[indistinct chatter]

[boy] Hey, Brendan, get your tits out for us!

[siren wailing]

[gunshot]

[Lip] Whoa! Watch it! Shit!

I didn't know it was loaded.

[sobs]

[siren wailing]

Fuck! Ian!

Fucking hell!

Whoa. Shit.

-[Tony] Oh, Christ. -[Stan] Oh!

I'm sorry.

Where's the gun now, Carl?

[sobs]

Of course!

Come on!

[sighs]

[intense music plays]

Somebody take it off me, quick!

[Craig] What's going on?

Where are they?

Where's Steve?

They've gone, Craig.

Fiona's gone.

-[screaming] Fiona! -[Kev] Hey!

-[Lip] He's got the gun. -[Kev] Craig!

-[Kev] Craig! -[gunshot]

[alarm blaring]

[dogs barking in distance]

[door opens]

[sighs]

So, do you not think it looks like--

No, it looks more like Carl Gallagher to me.

[Stan] That's what l think.

[Tony] Right, let's get over there and try and eliminate him.

[teacher] l wish someone would.

-[Stan] Is Carl in? -[Debbie] I'll handle this!

-[Stan] How's things, Carl? -[Debbie] Fine, why?

Looks a bit tired. Been a bit busy, have we, son?

[Tony] Where were you about half six-ish on Tuesday night?

That's dead easy. He was at the hospital.

-Weren't you, Carl? -Oh, what for?

Something he doesn't really wanna discuss.

[whispering] Circumcision.

Right. Uh, right. Well, come on.

Onwards and upwards, eh, Stan? Come on.

You know, you're not on your own, Carl.

And there's no shame in it whatsoever. None.

Ever.

And you won't look back.

Well, not much.

Are you right in the head? Are you buying all this shit?

[Veronica] How long before they suss that one?

[Debbie] Enough time to round up some skinheads.

He was only in overnight.

-[Lena] Tuesday night. -What for?

[Lena] I can't disclose what for

because boys are very sensitive about genital surgery.

Fine. Thank you, Sister.

You're welcome. [exhales]

I don't care. Fifty quid says that's Carl Gallagher.

[Tony] No one in their right mind is going to make something like that up.

Right... [spits] ...50 quid. Put it there.

[chuckles] Deal.

Perry, Fizz, Pete, and Minty.

As Debbie's explained, it's for charity.

[shaver buzzes]

[indistinct chatter]

-[grunts] -Will you shut up?

-[Debbie] He looks like a leper. -[Veronica] Give us a minute.

[grunts]

-Eh, what's this? -It's supposed to be a swoosh.

A swoosh? Does Carl have a swoosh?

-No. -[laughs]

[Debbie] Come on, Carol. Hurry it up.

Should get more than a tenner for this.

Can the number two turn to the side, please?

We're fucked.

Square one.

["Groovejet" by Spiller playing]

-[man] Sorry, Craig. -Cheers, mate.

He's depressed.

-Fiona's dumped him. -No.

Hey, he's all right is Craig.

Full-time job, house that's paid for, and not bad in bed.

Take him in the bogs and suck him off.

Could be a decent future in it for you.

Hiya, gorgeous.

Cheer up. It might never happen.

If it helps...

Fiona told me she didn't know for definite if the baby was yours.

[Ian] Sorry I'm late, Yvonne. I--

-Who are you? -This is Mick.

He's gonna be helping me out a couple of nights a week,

so, it's up to you which two nights you're dropping...

I knew it!

You hard-faced, two-faced, sour-faced bitch!

...and which two nights you want to work at the Jockey.

I've got you a job glass collecting,

since Kash is gonna be spending more time in there socialising,

if he's gonna stand a chance.

Whoops. [chuckles]

[Yvonne] Mick's old enough to serve booze, so he can cope on his own for an hour.

-Be back at 10:00, Mick. -[Mick] No sweat.

[door opens, shuts]

Never mind questions in the house.

-We need answers in the house! -[crowd] Yeah!

[Jez] Ian! In your own time, love.

People forget it took centuries, but the working man's vote

is the most powerful weapon...

you'll ever possess. Lest we forget.

-Got your toothbrush? -Seven inches!

[Frank] Oh, hello.

Where are you taking the Prince of Darkness?

-Wales. -Fronts-- Betws-y-Coed.

Wales?

-Fuck for? -Moby Dick.

My sister's just had a baby.

And that's still a big deal in Wales, is it?

[Sue] You look fantastic, Marty.

Up the arse, when you're ready!

[Sue chuckles] Large white wine, please, Karen.

[all cheering]

Oh, wow!

Oh, my!

-[crowd cheering] -[woman] Wow.

Have you got the tickets? [breathes heavily]

-Show me to the limo. -[Sheila squeals]

I couldn't get a limo, so I had to get a minibus.

-[Sheila breathes heavily] -All right. Fair enough.

[crowd cheering]

[mouths] Bye.

[Bernie] Did you say something, Kash?

I can't see you, it's a bit dark. [laughs]

That is a racist remark.

Now, I've been wondering, um, you know...

how a shopkeeper whose campaign... Where is it?

...on value for money, when all he and his family's ever done

was bring down the house prices.

-Oi, that is way below the belt. -[all cheering]

But it's the truth.

Gloves off, you'd better listen to the echoes, Hiawatha.

[all laughing]

[Bernie] Ladies and gentlemen...

I offer up for your selectation...

[crowd] Yeah!

...your delectation, your election.

[all cheering]

Nothing but a third generation immigrant

who's trying to reinvent the glory of the Union Jack.

[all cheering]

-You two-faced, fascist cunt. -Come on, Kash.

Everybody around here knows where my heart lies.

[all cheering]

-My heart's in Chatsworth! -Yes!

-[all cheering] -And I prove it every single day

by keeping a shop open for 12 fucking hours.

-Yes. -[all cheering]

Yeah. But at what profit margins,

-ladies and gentlemen? -[all cheering]

[Yvonne] Oh, flush him out, Kash.

[all cheering]

Name a single other shop...

that takes milk tokens for booze!

[all cheering]

Fine!

But the only constituents my little brown friend here

supports are the blacks, the chinks,

the complete fucking leg-irons, the work-shy jobless scum

that bleed this fucking nation dry!

[woman claps, cheers] Yeah, Bernie!

One of you get the car.

Now. Quick.

-Kash for Chatsworth! -[all cheering]

-[people cheering] -[fireworks exploding]

[melancholy music playing]

[sighs]

It feels weird without her here.

[Carl] I've got one thing I need to say.

The night before he died...

I gobbed on Brendan from the upstairs of a bus

and called him a rag-eyed gonk.

Just that.

The only thing bothering me is making sure everybody knows

how much a week we need to stay in the black.

We've always managed before, Debs.

Yeah, with Fiona's wages,

meaning everyone needs to bring in an extra 15 a week.

Not me. I'm not family. Neither's our Marty.

It makes no difference.

If you can't match the rent rise,

we're gonna have to advertise for tenants that will.

-She's right, Carol. -[Debbie] You and all.

You can't go blowing your spends on clothes all the time.

-[Carol laughs] -Well, fair do's is that, Lip.

And you earn about three times more than from the shop

-than you're telling the rest of us. -[laughs]

[baby crying]

[song introduction]

[Lip] What's that?

♪ Congratulations and celebrations ♪

♪ When I tell everyone that you're in love with me ♪

-♪ Congratulations... ♪ -[Lena] This is an old Cliff Richards.

-♪ And jubilation ♪ -[all laugh]

-[Debbie] What are you doing? -[crying continues]

Trying to get Pinky and Perky to sleep.

[Kev] Fucking insomniacs or what?

Cliff doesn't work after dark. Try Jerusalem.

♪ And did those feet in ancient time ♪

♪ Walk upon England's mountains green? ♪

♪ And was the Holy Lamb of God ♪

♪ On England's pleasant pastures... ♪

[chuckles] What you doing here? l thought it was an all-nighter?

Frank got a bit sick during pudding,

so the Lady Mayoress had to get us a car home.

-Like a Rolls Royce? -No, it was a police car!

[chuckles]

-[Sheila] Hello! -[crying continues]

Oh, wakey, wakey. Wide awake?

♪ And did those feet in ancient time ♪

♪ Walk upon England's mountains green? ♪

♪ And was the Holy Lamb of God ♪

♪ On England's pleasant pastures seen? ♪

[Kev] If l could shoot sperm that didn't swim backwards,

I'd have me own family by now.

In the meantime, I'm settling for this one.

-[all singing "Jerusalem"] -[Sadie barks]

Oh, twisted Jesus.

♪ Nor shall my sword sleep ♪

-♪ In my hand ♪ -Hey! [chuckles]

I think I will call you Bernard.

-Or Bernadette. -[all singing "Jerusalem"]

♪ In England's green and pleasant land ♪

[all laughing, applauding]

♪ Bring me my bow of burning gold ♪

♪ Bring me my arrows of desire ♪

♪ Bring me my spear ♪

♪ Oh, clouds unfold ♪

♪ Bring me my chariot of fire ♪

♪ I will not cease from mental fight ♪

♪ Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ♪

♪ 'Til we have built Jerusalem ♪

♪ In England's green ♪

-♪ And pleasant land ♪ -[telephone ringing]

[Debbie] Will somebody get that?

-[indistinct chatter] -[Lip] It's Ian's phone.

[Marty] Suck me cock!

-[telephone ringing] -[indistinct chattering]

-Hello. -[ringing continues]

Yeah?

-[Marty] Fuck off! -[Frank] Fiona, it's for you.

[Frank] Fiona!

Oh, fuck ya.

[Frank] She's not in. Try later.

[Lip] Pass us that chicken, will you, Sheila?

-[indistinct chatter] -[Marty] Prick!