Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,

but it's been a good home to us, to me,

Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.

-They can all think... -[all gasp]

...for themselves,

which they have me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run! Run for it! -[Lip] Quick! Leg it!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair, for two reasons.

-One, it stands on end... -[barking]

...and makes him look like Toyah.

-Two, nits love him. -[screams] No!

[Frank] Debbie, sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of the way to do you a favour.

Plus, Liam, gonna be a star. Once we've got the fits under control.

[screams]

[Frank] Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like.

Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of them, to a man know, first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life,

is they know how to throw a party!

[Frank laughing] Scatter!

Cunt!

[Debbie] Psychologists believe that those to whom evil is done

do evil in return.

-Pig scum! -[laughter]

-In you go. -Get in.

No. No. No!

No!

[Debbie] But I prefer an old Indian proverb...

"Those who bring happiness into the lives of others...

cannot keep it from themselves."

-[grunts, pants] -[door opens]

Marty, how is looking at that gonna keep you out of prison?

Get dressed. We've got work to do.

-Are you ready yet? -[Marty] I'm coming!

[gags]

[retches, coughs]

If I've got morning breath, you could've just said.

[groans, sighs]

You okay?

[inhales deeply] I can't smoke. I can't drink.

And every morning, I'm hugging porcelain.

How can they call this natural?

Listen. If you want to forget about going away this weekend...

[scoffs] No chance.

If I'm gonna be puking me guts up,

I may as well be doing it somewhere beautiful.

-Oh, God. -[groans, vomits]

[cutlery clattering]

A romantic trip away. Oh, I'm envious.

Yeah? Well, you can't come 'cause it's just me and her.

[Carol] Where is he taking you?

Don't know, Carol. It's a surprise.

[Carol] Last time a bloke took me away, I ended up in a power cut in Rhyl.

It could've been erotic,

had he not insisted on calling me Cheryl.

-[Fiona chuckles] -[Carol chuckles]

[Craig] All right, smart arse. Give it back.

-What? -[Craig] The toast.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, Carl. I've got a learner in half an hour.

[Lip and Carl laugh]

[Ian] Are you looking for toast, Craig?

[crunches]

-[Carl laughs] -[Ian] Mm!

-[boys laughing] -[Carol] Be nice.

[laughter continues]

If anyone laughs, it's coming off.

-[Carol gasps] -[Debbie] Marty, where's your tie?

I couldn't remember how many times the fox went 'round the farmyard.

Three and then into its den.

You look great, Marty.

What job is it you got the interview for, Marty?

Traffic warden.

Council are an equal opportunities employer.

[Lip] That'll make a change.

Traffic warden calling the car drivers a cunt.

-[all laugh] -Sponge cake!

What the fuck was that?

Something we've been working on.

To manage his Tourette's for the court case,

it's all about replacing rude words...

with... nicer ones.

-[all] Oh! -[Lip] Sponge cake.

We're gonna prove that he's a reformed character.

Don't knock it. I haven't had a "bucket biff" in days.

[all laughing]

What are you up in court for, Marty?

You haven't been setting fire to things again, have you?

-Shh! -No!

Weren't even my fault.

It was that stupid bitch in the post office.

Looking down her nose at me, making sarky comments

every time I cash me giro. Stupid-- soft kittens!

[Debbie] She needed telling.

It's just a shame they had CCTV.

Ever speak to me like that again and I'll burn your house down!

You evil, ugly, patronising bitch!

[glass shattering]

But once the court see that you're a respectable,

hardworking member of society,

they'll have no choice but acquittal. [chuckles]

-[titters] -[laughs]

[Craig] Time I went, eh?

-Sponge cake! -[door opening]

-[grunts] -Hey, hey, hey.

Just let it roll.

The more wound up you get, the more they like it.

Hmm?

[Kelly] I'm looking for Kev Ball.

Well, you want next door. Number six.

Trouble with these houses, they all look the same.

He's not still shacked up with that gobby peroxide bitch, is he?

-Veronica. -[Kelly] Hmm. That's her.

Mouth like the bleedin' Mersey.

[cat screeches]

-Who's that? -Don't know.

[cat continues screeching]

Sooner you and me get some time to ourselves, the better.

Come here.

Can't believe you're here.

Last I heard, you were in Paphos with Big Balls Benny.

Ditched him as soon as I got out there.

Got myself a nice, little bar job,

apartment on the beach, and as much cock as I could handle.

-[chuckles] -Sun, sex, and sangria.

-Thought I was in heaven, Kev. -So, why are you back?

Because, blondie...

I fell in love.

Bloke called Jack. Jack Russell.

You know, like the dog.

And as soon as I set eyes on him, I knew.

I just knew. Got a light?

[Kev] What happened?

[Kelly exhales]

It's all gone wrong, Kev.

[sobs] I'm sorry.

[Kev] Aw.

Hey, come here and tell your big brother.

[Kelly sniffles, cries]

-He's a fucking junkie. -Oh, Jesus.

-Not heroin. -Didn't he watch Grange Hill?

I said... "Jack, I love you.

But either it goes, or I do."

[siren wails in distance]

You got any sugar for this?

-No way, Kev. Absolute-- -[shower running]

No way am I having her in my house.

Veronica, she's me little sister.

I can't just chuck her out on the street!

-All right! -Oi! Oi! Oi!

Hang on a minute.

The amount of shit that I've had to put up with, with your family,

with your mother and her fellas and Marty-- Marty!

And his bleeding bonfires.

Fair's fair, right?

You can't send her back to a junkie.

A couple of days.

And if she calls me blondie again,

I swear, Kev, I'll--

[grumbles]

[door shuts]

[Marty] I'm a good human being with a great deal to offer.

[chuckles] I am a good human being

with a great deal to offer.

I am a good human being with a great deal to offer.

-I am a-- -[doorbell dings]

-I am a-- -[doorbell dings]

I am a good human being with a great deal to offer.

[Sue] Hiya. Uh,

-I was looking for Craig-- -Crackerjack! Sorry.

I'm looking for Craig. Craig Garland.

-This is the right house? -Yeah. Well, s-- sort of.

-But there's no one in. -Right.

Uh, only there's a bit of a crisis at home, so if you see him.

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Definitely.

-Sue, by the way. -Marty.

So uh, are-- are you, like, a mate?

Mate? God, no. Sorry. Hasn't he told you?

I'm his wife.

I'm a good human be-- I'm a good-- [groans]

I'm a-- Bullshitting, lying motherfucker!

Flat out on the bed like Lady Muck in the middle of the bleeding day,

with my bathrobe on, cheeky cow. [grumbles]

I swear to God, Fiona, I hate her.

I know she's Kev's sister,

but I could happily see her under a bus--

Marty?

He should've been back hours ago.

-Why? Where's he gone? -Job interview.

We're trying to get him on the straight and narrow for the court thing next week.

Bloody hell, Debs. Know when you're beat.

He's had psychologists, psychotherapists,

cognitive behavioural assessments,

and they all come out with the same conclusion.

He's off his bleedin' lolly.

[Debbie] Why doesn't anyone give him a chance?

All he wants is to be accepted, to be treated like everybody else.

[Craig] Help!

Marty! You're making a big mistake!

Not as big as yours, you two-timing piece of shit!

-No. Jesus! No! -Not content

with one beautiful woman, no! You've got to have two.

-Marty! -[Craig grunts]

-[crashing] -[Fiona shrieks]

[Veronica] You lunatic!

[Craig] Here you are, guess what Marty's discovered.

Big secret, I'm married.

Is that it?

-What? -Marty, everyone knows that.

-[Craig] Prick. -[Marty] No one told me.

Wife appears, I thought you were doing the dirty.

It's over.

Has been for ages.

So, why are you still living with her, then?

Because she won't move out, and it's my dad's fucking house.

But... she's gorgeous.

Marty, tell me you went to the interview.

[exhales angrily]

[door slams]

[Craig] This was supposed to be a surprise.

Get in. Start her up.

-[Veronica chuckles] -[engine turns over]

Bloody hell! I didn't even think it had an engine!

Is this leading where I think it's leading?

Uh-hm. Me and you. The open road.

There's nowt more romantic than a camper van.

You obviously never stayed in a five-star hotel, then.

It's not exactly what I had in mind.

You'll put up with anything when the sex is fresh.

-[both laugh] -[Kelly] Blondie!

There's no hot water!

How do you turn this immersion on?

I will fucking kill her.

If you'd rather go and stay in a B&B somewhere...

No, no. It's great. Honest.

Just think we might have to fumigate it first.

Craig. Your wife's at the front door.

[groans]

You're living here now, then?

Where I sleep is my business.

You've not been home in over a week.

-Home? -Well, you know.

Oh, you mean my dad's house. The place that you want half of.

Are you actually wanting something or is this just a social visit?

Boiler's playing up.

Place is like an icebox.

Yeah. Well, you know that book with the brightly coloured pages?

[Sue] And how much is that gonna cost?

All right. I'll sort it.

But you'll have to wait until after the weekend.

-We're going on holiday. -Hmm.

Send me a postcard.

-[door closes] -If that boiler's bust,

I'm Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

-Boo! -[screams]

-No! No! No! I-- I'm sorry. -[Sue gasping]

It's me, from-- from earlier.

-I didn't mean to scare you. -It's all right. God.

You took me by surprise, that's all.

So, you managed to find him this time then? Your husband?

Sugar lumps! [twitches]

Don't hide it for my benefit. Your Tourette's.

Lad at our school had it. Phillip Trent.

Everyone used to call him Fuck-off Phil.

People only think it's weird when they don't know what it is.

I'd better get back.

For what it's worth, I think he's an idiot.

He must be to let someone like you slip through his fingers.

[twitches]

-Marty, isn't it? -Hot sex! Mm--

[Fiona] I can't believe you're bringing your own firewood.

[Craig] A camping trip ain't a camping trip without a campfire.

I built them all the time when I was a kid.

I used to set fire to me sister's dolls when she was doing my head in.

Hiya. [giggles]

You're taking the piss.

Before you get your knickers in a twist, I'm not here for you.

They're going on a date.

Who's going on a date?

-Ta-da! -[Sue gasping]

Look at this handsome devil.

[gasps] You're like a young Bruce Willis.

Long time since I've been courted.

Take my advice, Fiona.

-Enjoy it while it lasts. -[Craig exhales deeply]

-All right. What's the game? -Game?

[scoffs] I'm going on a date.

Didn't know there were a law against it.

[Craig] Convenient.

Just happen to bag a bloke who lives in the same house.

-What difference does it make? -[Debbie] It's gonna be great.

Anyone would think you still had feelings for me.

Shall we?

-See you, Debbie. -[Debbie] See ya.

Don't wait up.

[door closes]

Having a girlfriend's got to be good for his court case.

[giggles]

I'm going chestnut brown.

New life, new look. That's my motto.

It looks like a dirty bleeding protest.

You ever thought of changing colour?

Bit '80s, that look, isn't it?

-Is it? -[Kelly] Oh, yeah.

Sharon Stone, Madonna. They were all at it then, but--

Kel, I think your bloke's hanging about outside.

-You're joking. -Tall, skinny, a bit Iggy Pop.

Well, for God's sake, don't let him in.

If he's not had a fix he gets violent.

Kelly! Kelly-Marie!

[Jack] I know you're in there! Come on down!

I've got to be at work in ten minutes.

-[Jack] Kelly! -I'll have to shoot out the front.

-Uh, I'm coming with you. -[Jack] Kelly!

You're not leaving me here with him!

[clattering]

-All right. It's your shot. -Which one am I going for?

Um, you go for that red one into the bottom corner.

That's the easiest. That should go in.

But if you sort of lean over and get your chin right on the cue.

That's it. And then get-- get it just between your fingers there.

-Yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

-[stammers] It'll go in there. -[Sue exhales]

-Oh! [laughs] -Hey.

I think I've had too much wine.

Rubbish. More you drink, the better you get at this game.

-Soft kittens! -[screams, laughs]

-[machine beeping] -Jackpot!

[laughs]

[coins clatter]

...And it had a little wind chime.

Twisted freak.

I mean, how can sticking a needle in your arm be normal?

Tell me. Who sees that as normal?

I know. But love's blind, Frank.

Look at Kev with Veronica.

You're not telling me he couldn't do better.

[Frank] A word from the wise.

Get your stuff out quick sharp. Otherwise,

he'll have your stereo in his veins before you can say Dolby surround sound.

[Kev] Yeah, all right, Frank.

-We're dealing with it. -[Frank] Yes, but when?

Uh, druggie, Kev.

We're talking desperation. We're talking scum of the earth.

No. Thing is, I can't. I mean, I ain't got a van or anything.

-So-- -Wait. No problem.

Eamon. Eamon!

Hey, how do you fancy being this young lady's knight in shining armour?

Depends.

-Is there a pint in it for me? -[scoffs]

-"Spunkface." "Bucket of spunk." -What else do you do?

Uh, "Piss flaps." "Donkey dick." Donkey dick!

[laughs]

Come on. I want to show you something.

-[Marty] Bucket! -[Sue laughing] Oh.

[grunts]

-You ready? -Yeah.

Three, two, one.

What am I looking at?

The most beautiful place in the world.

What, that?

To other people... it's just a gas tower.

But to me, it's...

it's awesome.

[stammers] Beauty's everywhere.

Just depends whether you choose to see it.

Boner! Sorry. Sorry.

Don't apologise.

That's what makes you who you are.

[fireworks burst]

Craig must be off his head.

How can he live without that?

Let's go back to yours.

Uh-- What's all this?

A few home comforts.

Sneaked in while Jack was out.

Oh, don't look at me. It were Frank's idea.

Oh, figures. Might've known you'd stick your nose in!

All goodness of me heart, this! Rescue mission. Damsel in distress.

You'll stay for a smoke, won't you, Frank?

-Few drinks? -[Frank] Ta! Yeah.

Don't mind, do you, blondie?

[Frank speaking indistinctly]

Time's up, Kev.

Oh! For fuck's sake!

[Frank] Down from that castle, Rapunzel.

Let down your golden hair.

[Sue laughing]

[Sue groaning]

-Toss! -[Sue laughing]

Oh. [gasps]

-[Sue continues laughing] -[Craig hisses, exhales]

[both grunt]

[both moan]

[Marty] Suck me cock!

-[laughs] -Sorry.

[groans] Look, Craig, maybe you've got it wrong.

Maybe she really likes him.

-[Marty] Donkey dick! -I know he's got his problems,

but he's a good-looking bloke.

Fiona, I've known her a lot longer than you,

and believe me, she's sticking the knife in.

By pulling Marty?

-[Marty] Oh, oh. -[laughing] Marty.

[Marty] Kinky boot!

It's just that her presence in this house, it's like poison.

Let her shag him. Let her scream the house down.

-Why should you care? -[Sue laughing]

[sighs] See?

-[Sue sighing] -This is exactly what she wants.

[laughter continues]

[Marty] No, I-- I can't get me hand down.

[Marty] I can't get me-- I can't get your top off.

What?

I can't do this.

-My head's all over the place. -We-- we can wait.

We don't have to rush into anything.

No, it isn't that. It's just... [breathes heavily]

I like you, and--

and I've had a great time, but... it's Craig.

What about him?

-He's still my husband, Marty. -I thought it were all over.

We've been married eight years.

It's comfort more than passion, I suppose, but...

you can't just turn it off.

Oh, it's all such a mess.

[sighs]

[stammers]

What, you still-- still shagging him?

You mustn't tell Fiona.

Promise me, Marty, you won't tell Fiona.

[stammers]

[Sue] Marty! No!

Do you want her or not? 'Cause if you don't, let her go!

-[Fiona] Fuck you talking about? -[Marty] Him. Fucking Casanova!

Stringing you both along, wanting it every which way.

-What have you told him? -Nothing!

-She told me the truth. -What fucking truth?

About him and her. [pants]

He's still shagging her,

even though he doesn't even want her.

-You lying-- -Stay away from her, Craig!

I mean it! I'll break both your fucking legs!

-[Fiona] Marty! -No, Fiona.

He's messing you around. He's messing everyone around.

And it's not fair, 'cause--

'cause I could make her happy, and-- and he don't even love her.

When did you last sleep with him?

-[groans] Fiona! -No, we're having this out.

Tell me! When did you last sleep with him?

I'm not looking to hurt you, Fiona.

When did you last sleep with him?

Last week? Last month? Last year?

-[Marty] She's telling the truth. -[Craig] Marty, open your eyes.

She's trying to break us up.

-She's fucking using you. -She's not. She wouldn't.

We-- we've kissed.

[Craig scoffs]

Did you really think that somebody like her

would be interested in a freak like you?

-[Fiona] Craig! -She is! Tell him!

Tell him how you feel about me!

[Fiona] Oh, shit!

-[Marty] Jesus. The baby. -Oh, shit.

-[Fiona] Oh, shit. [groans] -Baby?

You stay there, I'll go get an ambulance.

I knew it. You're gonna leave me, aren't you?

You're gonna leave me on my own!

[pants]

[Carol] It's like bedlam out here!

[Marty] Sue! Wait!

-[Carol] What's all the racket? -It's nothing. It's okay.

Tell Craig, forget about the ambulance.

Leave me alone.

Please come back.

[dogs barking]

Marty, look.

[Marty sobbing]

Prick!

[sobs]

Spunkface!

♪ Oh, we've got A little world of our own ♪

♪ I'll tell you things That no one else knows ♪

♪ I'll let you in Where no one else goes ♪

♪ Would I be doing Without you? ♪

♪ I'll tell you things That no one else knows ♪

♪ I'll let you in Where no one else goes ♪

♪ Would I be doing Without you? ♪

♪ We've got a little world... ♪

[Debbie] Oh, no.

We're only helping 'cause we want

-to get rid of her. -[Craig] Fiona!

-[indistinct chatter] -[Ian laughing]

He's torn his mantra!

-He's in court on Monday! -Debbie, I am going on holiday.

What do you want me to do about it?

-[Debbie] Oh. -[Carol] What's up with your sulky chops?

I'm moving out.

I'm not stepping foot in that house again,

until that idiot husband of mine gets rid of that

-stupid bitch! -[boys laughing]

[Veronica] The house is covered in tat.

Can I stay at yours, Fiona?

You can have my room till I get back.

Who's your mate?

Alfred. He's the only bloke I can rely on.

-Aw. -[indistinct chatter]

[all] Bye!

[overlapping chatter]

[Debbie] Fiona, what about Marty?

-For fuck's sake. -Craig, don't.

What is it with you, eh?

Don't you think you've caused enough damage?

Just turn around and go home

because I'm going on holiday with Fiona,

and nothing you can say's gonna alter that, right?

Craig.

Your dad's dead.

Ta.

Three years he's been in that home.

Hanging on and hanging on.

Trust him to pick this week to go.

My dad died day I passed me driving test.

Still, meant I got his Citroën.

Were you close?

Used to be.

[scoffs] Best mates.

But then his head went west.

Dementia.

Last few months he started calling me Rupert.

[both snicker]

[scoffs]

It's a terrible thing, losing your father.

Grandad's still alive!

I know. I'm just saying, it's a terrible thing losing your father.

[rattling]

Marty's tablets... for his hyper mania.

He needs to take two twice a day.

Does no one care?

Still, there's an upside.

House is mine now, innit? So... once I flog that off...

no more Sue.

[indistinct chatter]

I feel like I don't even know him, V.

-[sighs] -I've got his baby inside me,

and it's like there's this whole other world, wife, dad

that I've never even been a part of.

Give it a chance.

-It-- it takes time. -[Fiona] I know.

But that's the one thing we haven't got, V.

I just wish we'd had a bit more time before all this had happened.

[indistinct talking]

-All right. -Cool.

[mouths]

Sorry, Fiona. I've gotta go to mine.

[water running]

-Show me your arms! -Stop it, you mad bitch!

Show me your arms, you druggie cow!

Get off of me! Get off me!

Oh, yes.

[Fiona] How did it go with the undertaker?

[Craig] Sister shafted me.

By the time I got there, she'd arranged a burial

when I specifically told her that he wanted a cremation.

We stayed up one night, talking.

He told me exactly what he wanted.

A big party with people enjoying themselves,

not me and me sister stood 'round the coffin

trying to look fucking mournful.

[cheering on TV]

-Guess where they've come from. -A diabetic.

Kelly-Marie's bag.

Yeah. Well, they probably belong to dog boy, Jack Russell.

I've just seen her scoring.

Tenner says that's why he kicked her out.

Now, wait a minute.

You can accuse our Kel of a lot of things, but she's not a junkie!

She's wafer-thin, she's always skint,

and you tell me the last time you saw her in a sleeveless top.

Veronica, I know you don't like her,

but that is my little sister you're talking about.

And she's not into fucking skag!

-[Kev exhales deeply] -We'll see about that.

Oi. Oi, what-- what are you on about?

She's going cold turkey.

-[Kelly] Open the fucking door now! -[banging on door]

-[banging on door] -Stupid blonde bitch!

[doorknob rattling]

Can you fucking hear me?

[Kelly] What do you think you're fucking doing?

[crowd] Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!

Jump! Jump!

[inaudible dialogue]

-[laughter] -[indistinct chatter]

-[guitar playing] -[Debbie] I want that.

-[Lip] Get us a beer, love. -[Carol] Come on...

-All right. -[Carl] Want a beer, Craig?

-Yeah. -Come on, you can have

a beer, but you don't normally.

[Lip] Oh, yeah. Like I can never have a drink.

Come on. Give us a go.

[indistinct talking, laughter]

[Ian] We should get Carol playing the guitar.

-[Debbie laughing] -Quick! It's Marty!

He's gonna chuck himself off Sandringham house!

[Carl] Shit.

[siren wailing]

[crowd shouting]

-[Debbie shouts] Marty! -[man] Come down!

[Carl] Don't do it, get back, Marty!

No, Debbie. Debbie, no.

[Debbie] I'm going up!

-Get off of us! -Let us past!

Don't do it.

Stay back!

Marty, come away from the edge.

-[clamouring] -[gasps]

-What's up? -I'm scared of heights.

-Let me do the talking. -Get back!

-[clamouring] -[siren wailing]

Them people down there...

they'd love to see you try and fly.

You'd be the talk of the town for about half an hour.

Don't you think your life's worth more than that, Marty?

Cornflakes!

[crying] I just want to be like everybody else!

[sobs]

[crowd] Jump! Jump!

'Cause that fucker's right! I'm a freak!

And do you know how that feels? Do you?

-Fuck! -No!

Yeah. Yeah. Look at you. Yeah. Come on!

Human misery.

You can't get enough of it!

Eh? Willing a bloke to chuck himself to his death

so that you can have a bit of fucking entertainment.

Serves you right if he lands on your heads, you brainless cunts.

Yeah! Jump! Yeah! Jump! Come on!

-[crowd] Jump, jump! -Just... stay away, Debs.

I mean it.

No.

Because if you're going, Marty, I want you to know three things.

And you're not jumping off this building until you've heard them.

We all love you.

[Marty] Fuck! [groans]

You're not a freak. You've got Tourette's.

Craig is really upset that he called you that.

Aren't you?

You're the best thing that's ever happened to Sue.

She just doesn't know it yet.

Debbie's right, Marty.

She just needs someone to love her.

She's an unhappy person...

but she weren't always like that.

She's got a good heart.

She'd be lucky to have you.

I don't want to go back to prison.

[sobs]

[Veronica] Nice one, Debbie!

[woman] Show's over. You can go.

[Veronica] Yeah! Go on! Fuck off, you bunch of freaks!

Tossers!

[Craig] He was a great bloke, Fiona.

He was always there for me.

Whatever.

[Craig sighs]

If I can do half as well with our kid as he did with me, then...

-I reckon I'll be all right. -Hey.

[dog barking]

I'm a good human being with a great deal to offer.

I'm a good human being...

-[knock on door] -Yeah?

Big day tomorrow, Marty.

Yeah, I'm just trying it on so I've got everything perfect.

Make sure you get a good night's sleep.

You want to be fresh in court.

I'm a good human being with a great deal to offer.

I'm a good human being...

I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.

[toy squeaking]

[both pant, moan]

[Marty] I don't know what I'm doing!

[breathes heavily]

-[Marty] Sorry. -[Sue] It's all right.

Puppies. [stammers] [imitates bark]

[toy squeaks]

[Kelly grunts]

Let me out, you fucking bastards!

Veronica, I need a shit.

Go next door.

You can't keep her in there forever. She'll starve to death.

She can come out when she admits what she is.

-A dirty addict! -[Kelly whimpering]

[Kelly screaming]

[Veronica in distorted voice] Oh, shut your fucking whining.

[eerie music playing]

[breathes heavily]

[pants]

[screams]

[screams]

Fucking hell.

-How are you feeling? -Go fuck yourself.

Tools of the trade.

Only one thing missing.

Not that you'll be wanting it.

Kel. Kel.

For fuck's sake, Kel.

We've got to get you some help.

A bag would be a start.

[breathes shakily]

[Kev] Careful with that, though, Kel.

We use that on the curries.

It's red hot.

[sobs] No.

Take me home.

[Veronica] I'll call the doctor.

[Kel sniffles, whimpers]

Oh, I can't believe he's gone AWOL again.

-What is the matter with him? -Well, don't look at me.

They all blame the mothers. I have done my best, Fiona.

God knows, I have tried my best.

You'll see when you have your own.

What's happening? Where's Marty?

[grunts softly]

Why would he do this to me?

What if he sneaked out early?

He might've needed a bit of time to himself, get his head clear.

Ian's right. Well, you know, he might've just gone to court by himself.

[Veronica] Well, at least if we're there, we might be able to stall things.

Come on. There's no point sitting 'round here. Let's go.

[Ian] Uh, hang on. Hadn't someone

better wait here, just in case?

-I'll wait. -[Fiona] Don't you want

to court, Deb, in case he shows up?

I've tried my best. [sighs]

[door slams]

-Ugh. What are you doing here? -I've come to pay me respects.

Yeah. Someone mentioned the free bar.

[indistinct chatter]

-It's freezing in here. -Boiler's bust.

Just have to keep each other warm, then.

Mm-hmm. [moans]

[Marty sighs]

I wish we could stay here all day. Cunnilingus!

We can.

Well, until the funeral, but...

that gives us...

four hours.

[Sue laughs]

[Sue chuckles]

If he's not going to show,

we should get over to yours and get the ale flowing.

Frank.

Solicitor says he can't stall it any longer.

If he's not here in two minutes, they'll file it as a no-show.

-Two minutes. -Gonna put him away, aren't they?

All that bleedin' effort, they're just gonna throw him inside.

[screams, moans]

Oh. Oh. Oh, God, Marty.

The last time I've come like that, it's been battery-operated.

[sighs, chuckles]

What you doing tomorrow night?

[Marty] No!

-Hey, come here. He's here. -[van horn honking]

Look at that. Runs like a dream.

[cheering]

Good timing, Marty!

Sorry!

-[indistinct chatter] -Where have you been, spud head?

-I overslept, that's all. -Court two.

Your solicitor's name is Tom Vickers.

-You've got about 30 seconds. -Marty, good luck!

[all exclaim]

Thanks, Debs.

I love a happy ending.

[Frank] Will this piece of shit make it to yours, Craig?

Craig!

[engine revs, tyres screech]

[indistinct chatter]

I'd like to propose a toast.

Here's to a good man.

He deserves kind words today...

and eternal happiness.

To Marty's freedom.

-To Marty's freedom! -To Marty's freedom!

[all cheer]

[Veronica] Congratulations, Marty boy.

Here you are, Marty, mate.

[Marty] Thanks.

[Craig] Look at her face.

Serves her right for stitching me dad up.

All he wanted was a cremation.

Promised to spread his ashes on the County pitch.

Burial?

He was fucking claustrophobic.

[Craig] This is all good, isn't it?

[indistinct chatter]

[funeral director] Ladies and gentlemen,

if you'd like to make your way out

to your waiting cars now, please.

[mouths] Thank you.

Jesus fucking Christ.

-[man] Fucking hell. -Fuck.

[indistinct chatter]

[Lip] Fucking hell.

[indistinct chatter]

[Fiona] Oh, Marty, what have you done?

Craig!

[Kev] What did I tell you? Fucking spud head.

E-- everyone should go the way they want to go.

[Craig laughs]

[laughter, cheering]

An hour out of court, and you're pulling this?

-His dad wanted a cremation. -[Craig] He did.

Here y'are, get on with that, our Trace.

[Craig] We should have a drink, shouldn't we?

-Hey! -Hey!

I've just had that bastard MOT'd!

[laughter]

Holy camoly!

[Debbie] Thousands of pounds of cognitive therapy,

and all Marty really wanted was someone he could love.

Which, when you think about it, is all anyone really wants.

[all cheering]

-Steve's back. -[man and woman laughing]

♪ Congratulations And jubilations ♪

Stop it!

♪ I want the world to know I'm happy as can be ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

[Fiona] Tell him to stay the fuck away from me,

you, or any of us!

I shot him, okay? It was me, all right?

[theme music playing]

[birds chirping]

[sheep bleating]

[cow mooing]

-Good morning. -Morning. [sighs]

[knocking on door]

Thought you might want a brew.

-[dog barking] -[siren wailing]