Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden,

but it's been a good home to us.

To me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.

-[all gasp] -They can all think for themselves,

which they've me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run! Run for it! -[Lip] Quick! Leg it!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gob shite, which is why nobody calls him Philip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah,

-two, nits love him. -[screams]

Debbie! Sent by God. Total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus, Liam!

Gonna be a star, once we've got the fits under control.

[screams]

Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like.

Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life,

is they know how to throw a party!

[laughs] Scatter!

-[music playing] -[Ian] When you're a Gallagher

it can feel like more shit happens than the average.

But if you think about it, shit happening is fact of life.

There's nothing special about being part of our family.

What really is special about being a Gallagher?

You'd have to ask Fiona.

A bit of pride, maybe, and something to do with how you cope

when it all hits the fan.

Especially if you're standing right in front of it at the time.

[indistinct yelling]

The thing I really rated about Fiona was the way she didn't even bother to duck.

Ey, now, I wouldn't kick him out of bed for a wet fart.

Nah. He's not my type.

Bollocks! He's everyone's type, him! He's a fucking classic!

I think I'm all right, thanks.

-[Ryan] Fancy a drink, then? -I'd love one.

-[women laughing] -[music playing]

-Yes, mate? -Two Manila coladas, please.

Right. Oh, we've run out of Manila,

I can do em' with rum.

You're all right, mate. I'll have them without.

Two Manila coladas without the Manila?

-Yeah. -[Jez] Fucking ladies' night

this is and not a chick in the room.

-[Fiona] Hmm. -Uh, name?

Ryan.

-He's a footballer. -[indistinct chatter]

-Fuck off! -[laughs]

Fucking hell! He's not Ryan Giggs, is he?

Veronica, you have seen him.

-[toilet flushes] -Oh, yeah.

-[laughs] -Only Sunday League. Mm.

-Still, fit as arseholes. -[woman] Got a spare tampon?

Oh. Hang on.

[door opens]

-Ha ha! -[indistinct chatter]

[woman 2] I feel sick.

[woman 1] Come on then, let's go, while they're still serving.

[door closes]

[snoring]

[pants]

[phone rings]

-[continues ringing] -[sighs] Hello.

How the fuck did that happen?

The fuck did Fiona end up with Joey Dawson?

Joey Dawson?

Joey.

Oh... Joey.

-Oh, fuck! -What was he like, then?

[both moaning]

[moans, roars]

-Oh, fuck! -Didn't think he would be.

Veronica, I don't think we used anything.

-I thought you were on the pill? -When l was with Steve, yeah.

Half a packet now, half a packet later.

Works the same as the morning-after pill.

[indistinct chatter]

-[Joey] Oh. -[Liam laughs] Wake up!

-[Fiona] Liam! -[Joey grunts]

-[Liam chuckling] -Morning.

[slurping]

[man on TV] It's your chance to phone in this morning

and the topic is sexually transmitted diseases.

So, we've got...

-[Ian] With Joey Dawson? -[Lip chuckles]

Don't bother. I can guarantee it won't be funny.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

-You went to bed with our Fiona? -Get me...

Fuck.

You went to bed with him?

It happens, Carl. Do you want some toast?

Two slices, my darling.

-What's happened? -Fiona had sexual intercourse

-with Joey Dawson. -Debbie!

[Debbie] That's what Mrs Henderson calls it in Health and Society.

She says it's immature to use the other words.

Looks like he shagged you ragged.

Can we all just change the fucking record.

-[thud] -[Joey screams]

Shit. Marty!

He trapped me arm in the fuckin' door!

Cold compress. That's what Veronica always says.

Go and get a flannel.

I don't know what you think you're playing at, Marty.

Liam!

[Ian] Hurry up!

-[Joey grunts] -[pants]

-[Joey groans] -[car engine starts]

-[Ian] Go, go! -What?

-The gears. I can't-- -Hurry up! God's sake!

-Blood group? -AB, AB,

A, AB positive, O, B positive.

-I don't know yours. -[doctor] There we go, Liam.

A few minutes. Then you can go home

-with Mummy and Daddy. Yeah? -Oh, no. We're not--

[doctor] No more taking Mummy's tablets.

Like I say, we got everything out of him in time

and hormones aren't immediately dangerous.

Worst case scenario...

probably be him growing a pair of tits.

[chuckles, winces]

God's sake!

If you're that worried about it, why don't you get an X-ray?

[Debbie] Go on, ask me.

I remember every single Christmas prezzie for the last eight years.

-I'm really sorry, Joey. -1998.

Christmas 1998. He-Man mega-fighter,

Kylie CDs, selection box from Dad.

Skateboard, Louise CD, selection box from Dad.

Tinky Winky, Babe video, selection box from Dad.

-Right. I'll see you then. -[bus door opens]

I didn't know you lived round here.

Extension on Lyle Close. Finishing off, like.

[Debbie] Told you,

I can do every Christmas present since 1995.

Yeah, but you got the blood groups wrong, freak.

-[Debbie] No, I didn't. -How much?

[sighs]

At least it's not his plastering arm.

-[Ian chuckles] -AB, A,

-AB, B, O. -[Ian chuckles]

[music playing on TV]

I prefer the new notes from the cash machine.

Debbie, look. Somebody's cocked up.

You'll do this in biology.

You need two Os.

One from each parent to be just O.

O's recessive, which means

somebody's got Ian's blood group wrong,

which means you're wrong,

which means I'm not liable for ten quid.

-Doesn't have to mean that. -Yes, it does.

It could mean that Dad's not Ian's dad. Duh!

[Ian chuckles]

What?

[knocking on door]

Can someone get that?

Uh-uh. Oh, Liam, love, give it to me.

Have you got any aspirin at yours?

I've still got a head like a fucking drill.

-This not a good time? -She wants to talk to Mum.

I'm from the health visiting team.

The hospital contacted us about Liam's overdose.

Don't do that, Liam. It wasn't really an overdose.

Oh, I know. Their word, not mine. It's just a follow-up.

Your mum not in, then? Or your dad.

We try not to be sexist.

Uh, no, no. Not at the minute, no.

But I am Liam's sister, so l can answer any questions.

Gallagher. [chuckles]

Thought it might be.

You don't remember me, do you?

Katrina Webb, from school?

Katrina.

[chuckles] It's all right, you can say it.

-The sperm whale. -You have lost a fucking tonne!

Quick Slim. A filling shake for breakfast,

a tasty soup for lunch, and then a sensible tea.

For three-and-a-half years.

Fiona Gallagher.

Bet you never thought the sperm whale would be a health professional, eh?

Okay if I have a look at your brother?

Just my fucking luck, them sending her.

She's all right, isn't she, Sperm Whale?

-Veronica, I gave her that name. -Nice one.

She hated my guts at school,

'cause I snogged a boy she fancied. Ricky Parr.

I tell you, little bit of power, she'll be loving this.

Right as rain.

To be honest, I'm surprised you're still living at home, Fiona.

Thought you would've been married by now.

Yeah, well, you and me both. [chuckles]

-Oh, what about you? -[giggles]

[Fiona] Engaged. Lovely.

Yeah. I've got a venue booked for August.

We're having a Lord of The Rings theme, except it'll be wedding rings, obviously.

Hobbits for pageboys, dead cute.

Oh! Hang about. I'm remembering now.

I did a visit when Chantelle Harrison had her third,

and she said to me that your mum had turned into a lesbian

and run off with another woman.

Chantelle?

Must have been the smack talking.

-You take care, Liam, yeah? -Yeah.

-Carl kicked me. -Did he?

It was an accident. [chuckles]

-Nightmare. Kids, eh? [chuckles] -Yeah.

Well, it was good to see you, Katrina.

Good luck with the wedding and everything.

Who's the lucky fella? What's his name?

Joey. Joey Dawson.

Mrs Dawson. [gasps] Fucking weird, eh? See ya!

I'm not kidding.

She finds out I slept with Joey, l am dead!

[Kev] Promise me these are staying on.

-[Veronica] What are you like? -No tits, do you promise me?

Cross me heart and hope to die.

-[doorbell rings] -[Veronica whistles]

Whoa! Cross me knockers. Get 40 quid extra for topless.

Can you think of a rhyme with estate agent?

-What? -Birthday boy.

He's an estate agent. Shaun.

You're mental, you! How's she gonna find out?

Joey's not gonna tell her, you're not gonna tell her.

It's like it never fucking happened.

-It's Joey and his girlfriend. -Shit!

He's come for the van keys.

You know, that he left here last night when he crashed out

'cause he'd had a few too many before he slipped in the shower

and broke his arm.

She wants to know why we haven't got one of them mats?

We have!

Keys!

Liam had them when we got back from the hospital.

They're in our house somewhere. Kitchen table.

Keep her talking, yeah?

Keys! Keys! Where could they be?

[Kev] Veronica's had a bit of a tidy-up.

-It's always the way, innit? -[indistinct yelling]

I told shit-for-brains he were lucky you were around

to get him out the shower and drive him to the hospital, didn't I?

-[Joey] Mm. -Oh, he's worse than a bloody kid.

Can't let him out me sight, can l? Can l, eh?

And you're lucky he's not suing you for loss of business.

Well, it's not his plastering arm, is it?

[sighs] ls it me, or has it turned a bit?

Psst! Psst!

[keys jingling]

So, Veronica says that you used to be really, really fat.

[laughs] Ta-da! [sighs]

[Katrina] Kylie's had to get two buses to get to her self-defence,

'cause you couldn't drive her. She had a do on the number 12.

Forgot her inhaler. She could be dead, Joey!

Bet you didn't think of that.

Oh, thanks, Kev. Saved my life.

See. I told you. Over-reaction.

[sighs] What?

You're not my dad.

Fuck have I done now?

Type O blood I've got, so you can't be my real dad.

It's scientifically impossible.

Of course I'm your fucking dad.

Frank Gallagher does not fire blanks, Ian.

More's the pity. I can remember it clear as day.

1987, 'cause they'd just stopped me claiming for me urticaria.

Doctor said it was a fucking shaving rash.

How do they sleep at night?

Coming to terms with living with a disability,

no support from the fuckin' state, then bang, ''I'm late again, Frank.''

Whatever you say about Monica,

she didn't look at another fella.

You know, not until she went off with... Norma. No need.

-It were 1989. -[Frank] That's what I mean.

All right, 19...

80...

Gary Bennett.

Fucker.

[Ian sighs]

[thud]

She had a Saturday job in an offie.

They were too fucking tight to give her a discount, so no point...

[sighs] ...but she made out it gave her a bit of independence.

He was the manager.

"Gary listens to me, Frank.'' Yeah, well...

We can all listen to them when we want to give them one, can't we?

So it's true?

[Frank] Falls into place, don't it?

[sighs] Betrayal.

All the way down the fucking line.

How sharper than a serpent's tooth...

No, listen, right.

W-- Whatever that tosspot did to your mum,

you are still my son.

You're all my kids.

Even a gobshite like Lip.

[door creaks, closes]

Yes!

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Here, remembered.

And I need a sombrero and a guitar.

For netball?

[Debbie] We're making a short film in media studies.

I'm a Mexican street musician.

-Liam, shoes on, sweetheart. -[phone beeping]

I need to get hold of Mum.

[Ian] She's not there, I just tried.

Answer machine says they're away till the 22nd.

-Shit. -[Lip] What's up?

Social services want to visit.

See if Liam's being looked after properly...

-by Mum or Dad. -[Ian] Shit!

[indistinct chatter on TV]

What were you doing calling Mum, anyway?

Oh, he's trying to find his real dad.

-What? -[Carl] Frank's not his dad.

-Gary Bennett is. -[Fiona] Gary Bennett?

How long have you lot known about this?

[sighs] There. It's me best shot.

[giggles]

Ian.

-You're full of surprises. -Look, I've just found out.

Dad reckons it were the manager of this offie where Mum had a Saturday job.

Offie in Eccles. Yeah. Think I remember.

I were gonna tell you. Honest.

-You want to find him? -Yeah.

Why? We're your family.

-ls it about the other thing? -No.

-[knocking on door] -[doorbell rings]

[Katrina] Hiya.

Just come off a visit up the road.

Post-natal depression.

Social services been in touch yet?

Uh, we got a letter from them this morning.

Well, I mean, Mum did.

I bet she's shitting herself, isn't she?

Just kidding.

Tell her, as long as she turns up sober and remembers your brother's name,

we'll tick all the boxes. [gasps] I tell you what,

are you around at dinner time for a drink?

Oh. Uh...

I've got a lot on today, as it happens.

I could give you a few tips about the interview,

I mean, it helps to know who you're dealing with and that.

Friends in high places.

I will be there, you know.

And we still haven't had a chance to catch up properly, have we?

No.

Yeah. Go on then. Why not?

Great! Look forward to it. Jockey's your local, in't it?

[Veronica] Can't you just tell her the truth?

"Look, Katrina, I told a bit of a white lie

about my mum and dad living at home, and now it's got out of hand."

[Fiona] Oh, yeah, she'll understand.

I may as well get it all off me chest

and tell her I shagged Joey while I'm at it!

Oh, can't you put it off until Monica comes back from holiday?

And say what? Dad's looking after the kids while she's away?

The last thing we want is social services

turning up to talk to fucking Frank.

-Oh, yeah, right. -[Carol talking indistinctly]

[Fiona] I mean, as far as the authorities are concerned,

Dad's dead, isn't he? -[door closes]

It's not like I'm even Liam's legal guardian.

[Carol] What are you playing at?

You've been on there nearly half-an-hour.

One eighty a minute they're charging, Mum.

She's got a gift, Veronica.

She's helping me with my arthritis.

You haven't got fucking arthritis.

I wish she'd keep an open mind.

She even knew about Kev losing the remote for the telly.

Bollocks she did. She's messing with your head, Mum.

Fiona, will you get a grip?

So, you're not officially Liam's guardian.

You're over 21, you're a better fucking mum than Monica ever was.

Go down the Jockey, see Katrina and sort it out, will ya?

You're right.

You're right.

What's the worst that can happen? [chuckles]

I love you, Fiona.

Fuck's sake, Joey.

I mean...

I just mean... you don't.

-You can't. -I do.

You're engaged. You don't even know me.

And we were both totally mashed.

You were.

I was on pineapple juice all night.

Oh, shit, Joey.

-Please. Please. -I love you.

Oh, listen to him. I love you, too, honey bunny.

So... what do you think, eh? Mr and Mrs Dawson.

Can't believe you're still single, Fiona.

-Can you, Joey? -No.

[Katrina] So, what's this deep dark secret you wanted to tell me, eh?

It's not about Ricky Parr, is it?

Oh, no, no, nothing like that. [chuckles]

It's...

Well, it's silly, really.

I mean, I didn't realise it was you at first

when you came to the house to see our Liam.

And it's more automatic than anything.

Hey. Secret admirer over there.

Hello.

-You know him? -Well, to talk to. [chuckles]

I were just saying, she could do with a fella.

Could you? 'Cause last time I saw you,

you weren't going short, like.

[Katrina] Dirty mare!

We're trying to fix her up, if you're interested.

Sorry, mate, I didn't realise.

-I was just having a laugh. -[Katrina] What--

No, he's with me, you daft pillock.

Oh, I just thought, you know, 'cause youse two were getting...

Oh... right.

It weren't me.

-Kev! -[indistinct yelling] Gallagher!

Oh.

[door creaks]

Just listen, yeah? I swear it was a mistake.

I was hammered. I don't even fancy him!

[Katrina] Oh, no,

'cause the sperm whale's boyfriend

wouldn't be good enough for Fiona fucking Gallagher.

Fiona fucking Gallagher can just take whatever she likes. Little...

fucking Princess Skinny Arse!

Katrina...

all that stuff...

-we were kids, for God's sake. -Think that's an excuse?

Think I've fucking forgotten?

-Sperm Whale! -Okay. I'm sorry.

But Chatsworth Comp, it was the law of the jungle down there.

Think you were the only one who went through it?

Yeah, you were fat, and the lads used you as a spunk bucket.

We weren't very nice to you.

But you know what...

neither were you.

Pov Gallagher, remember that?

"Oh, that same skirt you've been wearing since year seven, Pov?"

"Can't afford to go on the school trip, Pov?"

"Oh. Check your change, Pov's here."

Plenty of times I cried meself to sleep...

so don't you make out you were Princess fucking Di, Katrina.

Right. A bit of advice.

Stay away from my fiancé.

And tell your family...

they'd better put their best foot forward at that interview

or I'll have your little shit arse of a brother taken into care so quick...

he won't know what hit him.

Okay?

Pov!

[door opens]

And you can start saying your prayers and all, you little twat!

[screams]

[phone ringing]

[keyboard clacking]

Nipples.

[clacking continues]

Must help to have big ones, you know, when they're feeding.

Must be...

It must t-- toughen them up,

all that... [imitates sucking]

[receptionist] Excuse me, can I help you?

[Frank] Yeah, I've come for the vouchers, love,

-for formula. -[phone ringing]

Uh, the name's Gallagher. Nigel and Delia.

[keyboard clacking]

Sorry, we've got Gallagher, Philip,

and Gallagher, Ian, Gallagher, Deborah.

Oh, they'll be under their mum's address, Eldon Way.

Fuck off! I swap you that for that?

-The difference comes out my wages. -But they're unopened.

Good as new.

I've got a fuckin' arrangement. Ask Yvonne!

You'd better talk to her, then. She'll be in at teatime.

Oh, blood will out.

Gary Bennett.

Eh? He wouldn't give your mam a fucking discount at the offie.

Eh? Eh? Mingy little twat.

Yeah, well, I'll mention that to him when I see him.

It was Eccles. Fiona told me.

So there's nothing to stop me finding him, is there?

Yeah, well, fuck off to Eccles, then!

-You fuckin' deserve each other. -[bell dings]

-[door closes] -You serious?

-You gonna go? -Yeah.

There's two in the phone book.

Debbie looked it up.

Go for it. All that counts in the end, family.

Cheers.

-You know what I meant. -[bell dings]

People don't realise.

Leave it to dry, and it's as good as new. Practically.

I haven't bought a new roll for three years.

I'm not a lesbian, Fiona.

I mean, I think everyone's got tendencies,

-but... You don't need to be,

'cause you'll be pretending.

Like playing a part, acting.

-Acting? -Yeah.

You'll be you, but you'll say that you're our mum...

'cause we think of you like our mum anyway, don't we?

It sets you thinking though, don't it?

Like, when...

When you imagine if you hadn't been born...

and someone else had met Frank. [sobs]

Nigel and Delia hadn't been born either. [sobs]

-Oh. -[Sheila] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. [sobs]

[sobbing] Oh, God. I'm sorry.

[sobbing] They've adjusted my Seroxin.

It makes you ever so constipated as well. [sobs]

[sobbing]

[indistinct chatter]

[Veronica talking indistinctly]

Come on, you lot. We need all hands on deck.

-[Carl groans] -[Veronica] Keep him still, Mum.

-[Carl groans] -[Carol] Stop it.

-[Carl groans] -What's wrong?

-[screams] -He dared me.

We're lucky the house didn't go up, rubbish he eats.

-Ball bag. -Lighting farts.

Got too close to the lighter.

-[screams] -Oh, don't be such a bloody baby!

-It's only a bit of Vaseline. -Where's Lip?

[footsteps approaching]

[exhales]

-Anyone got munchies? -Good night, was it?

You knew Ian was working.

Carol said she'd look in.

She did come really, really quickly when we shouted.

What's up with him?

Come on, sweetheart. It's past your bedtime.

-[door closes] -[spoon clanks]

[slurred] Where the fuck is Sheila?

[Fiona] You're not at Sheila's, Dad.

-Dad, bathroom! -Don't fucking touch me.

-[groans] -[mumbles] Eccles.

You told him, didn't ya?

You in on it an' all, Fiona?

-Yeah, yeah, whatever. -Yeah, whatever.

You're all the fucking same like your fucking mother.

-Don't touch-- -[Fiona groans]

-[groans] -Piss yourself, then!

-[Lip] What's going on? -Fuckin' piss yourself!

-[Lip] What's he done? -[panting]

Fuckin' get him out of here, Lip, or I swear I'll fucking kill him! Wanker!

[Frank] Smells of fucking changing rooms.

[Fiona sighs]

Bastard.

[Fiona] Did he piss himself?

[Lip] No. Got him to the bog in time.

[Fiona] Frank Gallagher's proudest achievement.

He got to the bog in time.

Puked on the carpet, though.

-[Lip chuckles] -[sighs]

You really don't want Ian to find him, do you?

Gary what's-his-face.

Up to him.

-Just don't see the point. -[sighs]

[grunts softly] Bit jealous, actually.

Little bastard gets a shot at a real dad...

instead of some incontinent fucking sperm donor.

Thing about Dad...

you're fine,

as long as you remember to expect fuck all.

[chuckles]

Only useful thing he's ever said to me, right--

I mean, to me, not at me,

my whole fucking life, when I was little...

I was making breakfast.

Dad chucked his slice of toast into the bin,

"Fuckin' useless, that."

And then he showed me.

"Always spread the marge into the corners,

right up to the crust.

Do the corners, and you don't have to worry about the middle."

-[Lip chuckles] -True, as it happens.

-Useless fucker. -[door unlocks]

[door closes]

Right. Social services are due at 11.

Sheila's coming round at half ten.

Start with the bedrooms, Carl. Debbie, you're on the bathroom.

Carol, you still okay looking after Liam, yeah?

What do you want me for, Fiona? [sniffs]

[Fiona] Oh, yeah, Marty.

Give me hand with a bit of lifting.

-Cockhead. [grunting] -Marty! Slow down!

Where's Sheila?

-Hiya! -Oh, you brought the twins.

[panting] I've been dying to give these outfits an airing.

[panting] Sorry I'm late.

-[baby cooing] -Only I thought it would help

to look a bit more like you-know-who.

Only it's a bit difficult with my wardrobe,

so I had to borrow from across the road,

but she's on the game, so she's a bit difficult to wake before dinner time.

ls it too late to do something about these curtains, Fiona?

Ian. [chuckles]

She thinks you're planning a break-in.

What are you doing here?

Moral support, whatever that means.

-Debbie passed on the details. -[door closes]

-[Lip] Are you going in or what? -Might not even be there.

Probably get his wife.

Didn't think about his wife.

What if she's got kids?

Might have half-brothers or sisters.

Find out. Go on.

-Fuck it, if you're not gonna-- -Lip.

[jazz music playing inside]

Sorry, lads. We've got tea towels coming out of our ears.

No.

-I'm... -[music continues playing]

[knocking on door]

[woman] Mrs. Gallagher?

Monica Gallagher?

-I'm Maureen Hale from social services. -That's right. Come in.

Thank you.

Katrina.

[Sheila chuckles nervously]

Well, we've got your form, Mrs Gallagher, thanks for that.

Liam's doing well, in your opinion?

Oh, yes, yes, he is. Isn't he, Fiona?

Oh, yeah, yeah. No problems at all.

[Sheila] There we are.

Take the pot to the kettle, never the kettle to the pot.

[chuckles, exhales] Oh! No teaspoons.

[baby coos]

On my first visit,

I saw some bruising where Liam had been hit

by one of his brothers.

Can you tell us how this happened, Mrs Gallagher?

-[baby coos] -[thudding]

Uh-- Lip-- It was Lip that moved.

As I said to your colleague, it was an accident.

-[thudding] -[baby cooing]

[Sheila] Kettle. Kettle. Teaspoons. Teaspoons.

[exhales] Hey, love.

Would you get me a teaspoon, please?

-Thank you. -[baby cooing]

-[spoon clanks] -[baby cooing]

Shall we have a look around?

[Maureen] Well, I think we've seen everything we need,

Mrs Gallagher. Thanks for that.

[Sheila] Thank you. [chuckles]

You're a very lucky boy, aren't you, Liam?

-Having such a nice room. -[Liam] Yeah.

[Katrina] I've just got a few questions about the living arrangements, Maureen.

There seems to be a bit of confusion

-about who lives where. -It's easy.

I live next door with my tenants, Carol and Marty.

-[Maureen] Handy for babysitting. -Is it?

And everyone else lives here.

[Sheila] The more the merrier.

Take my hat off to you, Monica.

These two looking bonny on it.

Do you get your formula at the clinic?

Oh, every week. [chuckles]

[Katrina] 'Cause when I checked our computer records,

the twins are down at a different address. 22 Eldon Way.

And according to Lisa at the clinic, they live there with their mother,

Sheila Jackson. The twins are yours?

-Of course they are. -So you must be Sheila Jackson.

No, no, no. I'm Monica. Monica Gallagher.

[Katrina] Monica Gallagher is now living in Moston.

She's in a relationship with another woman

and she abandoned her kids four years ago, isn't that right?

Well, she's no better than she should be. [inhales]

I mean, I'm not. [chuckles]

-I'm only human. -She's Sheila Jackson living at Eldon Way.

I'm sorry.

The twins are hers by Frank Gallagher

who died shortly before they were born.

It's all on the computer.

Dad's dead, Mum's gone, these kids are home alone.

I've applied for an emergency care order for Liam.

You fucking cow!

[Frank] Home alone? Who's home alone?

Frank Gallagher.

What can I do for you, ladies?

[door closes]

Am I tit-of-the-year or what?

I knew it were too good to be true.

You've still got one more left.

The Cedars. Sounds even cushier.

[scoffs] See his music? Wall-to-wall fucking jazz.

[laughs]

-You're well out of it. -[chuckles]

[sirens blaring]

[Lip] Christ.

Dad finds out about this, he'll wanna fuck him himself.

Him?

[barman] If he owes you money,

you better get to the back of the queue.

Oi, Gary. More people after you.

[indistinct chatter]

Ian.

"Daddy." [laughs]

-Fuck off. -Daddy.

Daddy. [chuckles]

-Fuck off, mate! -[laughs]

-[chuckles] -What?

-What? -[chuckles]

[both laugh]

Difference between Gary and Frank, zilch!

-[both laughing] -Gary Bennett.

[indistinct chatter, laughing]

Human error, see.

Ghost in the machine.

[chuckles] Literally. Boogie, boogie.

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Computers, you see, Maureen.

Only as good as the person putting the stuff in.

No. Garbage in, garbage out. It's well known.

Data in a computer literally means what's put in it.

Data, right? Not information.

So, you're not living at Eldon Way?

Um...

not to my knowledge, love.

And she's Mrs Gallagher, is she?

-I am proud to say, yeah. -[sighs]

Last time I looked, anyway.

Well, I really think that's everything--

If you're happy with the explanation of why Liam's so accident-prone.

Oh. [chuckles] Look at him. Liam, come here, son. [grunts]

[grunts] Look at that.

What, he's got more injuries than Michael Owen, eh?

-He broke his wrist last year. -Fell off his scooter, yeah.

[Maureen] What are you, uh, getting at, Katrina?

It's obvious.

She's his care giver and she's not up to it.

Hang on, hang on. Come here. What are you saying, love?

She looks after him, doesn't she?

Too fucking right she does.

And makes a cracking job of it, and all.

Because her mum fucked off.

And that's a crime, now, is it, in modern Britain?

Trying to give your brothers and sisters the right start in life.

Because you can't fill a fuckin' form in? Paperwork, is that what you want?

'Cause it's all here, you know.

Black-and-white. All his jabs, right up to date.

Hospital appointments for his, uh, whatsit.

Fitting.

[Frank] Yeah, all kept. Physio for his leg.

-Wrist. -[Frank] All kept.

She misses work for them!

Never complains. You talk to his nursery.

There are a few problems. Bites when he's cornered,

-but he's three... -Four.

...years old. Bright as a button.

He's got friends... hasn't he?

His teachers will tell ya. And I'll tell you what.

You can't write it down in a book,

or sign a form for it, or get a fucking voucher,

but...

he's loved.

Loved.

By that lass over there.

So put that in Tony Blair's pipe and fucking smoke it.

I mean, fuck off!

If that's a kiddie that's being abused, I'm Miriam fuckin' Stoppard.

There's no question of abuse, Mr Gallagher.

I can see that Liam's being well looked after.

He's just admitted he lives with her and she's in charge!

-And I don't see a problem. -I'll tell you the problem.

I shagged her boyfriend.

You shagged him?

I thought you fucking snogged him!

[sighs] It was a mistake!

Oh, yeah? A mistake!

You just think, "Here's the man that Katrina's gonna marry.

I know, why don't I wreck her fucking life?"

She made my life a misery at school.

We were 14. Everyone's life was a fuckin' misery.

You pissed on me PE kit! [inhales]

[Frank] Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[Maureen] Sorry for the inconvenience,

Mr and Mrs Gallagher. Personnel.

The odd one slips through the net.

-Human error again, Maureen. -Yeah.

Hey, remember. Data, not information.

-[Sheila] Bye. [chuckles] -Bye.

[Sheila] Bye.

[Katrina] Wedding's still on, you know!

Twenty-third of August! I don't see a ring on your finger!

Did you really piss on her PE kit?

No, that was Alison Grant.

I just held her bag open.

[all laugh]

[Sheila] And she said-- And she said...

She said...

Sorry. She said... [inhales]

"I'm sorry for the inconvenience,

Mr and Mrs Gallagher."

-[all] Aw! -Didn't she, Frank?

Too fucking right she did. [chuckles]

You played a fuckin' blinder, Frank.

-[Sheila sighs] -[Frank] It's natural, innit?

A father's instinct to defend his offspring.

Like lions. Come here.

-[growls] -[Debbie] Actually...

male lions kill theirs. I've seen it in a documentary.

-New fucking man, me, Debbie. -[Sheila] Oh, Frank.

I'm proud to call her Mrs Gallagher. [chuckles]

He came straight out with it. He did.

You like the sound of the that, do you, Sheil?

Hey, hey. Stop fuckin' stirring it, you.

[knocking on door]

Sperm and egg, split second, accident of nature.

The nurture, that's being a fucking parent.

[sighs] Look, just forget about it, will you?

You've got to tell her.

-Tell Katrina we didn't shag. -She already knows we did.

-But we didn't. -Joey--

[indistinct chatter]

-Didn't we? -You were totally out of it, weren't ya?

-It wouldn't have been-- -So, we didn't?

-[chattering continues] -No.

[chuckles]

Fiona!

You will tell her, won't you?

Me dad's got 80 quid deposit down on a Gandalf costume.

[Frank snoring]

-[lighter flicks] -[snoring continues]

-[sighs] -[distant sirens blaring]

Lads, you're gonna have to give your dad a hand.

He's worn out.

[sighs]

Come on. Hey.

[huffs]

Ian!

Come on, I can't shift him on me own.

[Ian] Not my dad, is he?

Stop fucking around, will ya?

You can't just fucking resign. Come on.

[Fiona] Problem?

-[sighs] -[Frank snores]

No. [sighs] Just taking Dad back to Sheila's.

[grunts]

[Ian] Fiona reckoned it was a first.

[snores]

[Ian] Dad and Sheila actually helping us out for once

instead of landing us in the shit.

[snoring continues]

[Ian] Not that she'd have wanted them round at ours all the time.

None of us would. Not even Debbie.

You just get used to things the way they are.

And at the end of the day, it's better the devil you know.

Early Kylie? Totally true.

-I'm carrying his baby. -Fiona!

-[Barry] Had an accident? -Boo!

Oh, Jesus! Me tooth! Where's me tooth?

Remember, Frank, no-win, no-fee, and we will win.

If you wanna keep it, you don't have to bring it up alone if you don't want.

Shitty!

[Yvonne] Oi!

[Ian] You bastard!

Shop's had to close down because of him,

and you don't give a fuck.

I've booked the abortion.

God! Blood.

-What? -[Sheila] I've been shot!

Oh, my God, Frank. What have you done?

[moans]

[feet tapping]