Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden,

but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,

and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

[Frank] They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run! Run for it! -[Lip] Quick! Leg it!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

-One, it stands on end... -[barking]

...and makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love it.

-No! -[Frank] Debbie! Sent by God.

Total angel. You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam. Gonna be a star,

once we've got the fits under control.

[screams]

-[Frank] Sheila... -[laughs]

...me bird, couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like.

Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything-- Well, not anything.

But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in this life

is they know how to throw a party!

-[siren wailing] -[Frank laughing] Scatter!

[Ian] The reason everyone loves dogs is

it's dead easy to know what they're thinking.

With people, it's a bit more tricky.

-[dog barks] -State of her!

Imagine waking up to that every morning.

I know, she looks like a bloke.

-[both laugh] -She can't sing.

-[dogs barking] -[door opening]

[dogs barking]

Thought you said you'd be ready.

Shit, sorry Mandy. I lost track of time.

-Grab these two. -[dogs barking]

-I need a couple of things. -[barking continues]

[Kash] Why do you need to carry on this charade, anyway, Ian?

No one thinks you're gay, anyway.

[Ian] I know, but now Lip's shagging her, isn't he?

[Kash scoffs]

[chuckles nervously]

-[Carl barking] -[dogs barking]

[Ian] People have too many secrets.

They're always saying things that mean something else.

With dogs, what you see is what you get.

[barking continues]

[sighs]

-What's up? -Nothing.

I just... [sighs]

Do we have to?

I'm not really in the mood.

-[sighs] -Suit yourself.

[grunts] Oh, f--!

-What were that... -We're in deep shit.

-[Lip groaning] -Well, how sure are you?

Five weeks late.

Five week?

I kept thinking it'd come.

I got this.

We'd best find out.

Give us a bit privacy, then.

-I used johnnies every time. -Well, something's gone wrong.

[sighs]

It takes two minutes.

Blue line's positive.

[music plays]

Is it definitely his?

Well, it's not yours, is it?

-No, I-- I just meant-- -I'm not a slapper, Ian!

[knocking on door]

-It's busy. -[Carl] I'm bursting.

Tough shit! Go next door!

[Carl] Marty's in there. It stinks.

[Lip] Use a milk bottle. Fuck off.

[grunts]

Congratulations.

-You're gonna be a daddy. -[sighs]

[sighs]

Kev, pint of lager when you're ready.

Pint, is it, love?

What the-- Who are you?

Cassie Western, relief manager.

[indistinct chatter]

What's happened to Jez?

-Enforced sabbatical, love. -Cassie's from the brewery.

She's covering while Jez retrains.

Yeah, the trouble with pubs, see, is

people start taking them for granted.

Things slide, profits dip,

and then before you know it,

you might as well be giving the beer away.

I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.

Frank. Frank Gallagher.

[alarm blaring]

[cash register beeping]

[cash register bell chimes]

Right. That'll be £1.90 for your lager

and the rest can come off your tab.

Not that it'll make much impact.

[cash register dings]

[Veronica and Fiona laughing hysterically]

[Veronica] He totally fancied you.

[Fiona] He looked like Uncle Fester.

Talk about the ugly tree!

-He hit every branch. -Ooh!

[both laugh]

-Twice! -Twice! [laughing]

-[Fiona] Oi, you little shit! -[Veronica] Oi!

-Get off! -You fucking--

[Veronica] Help! Help! Get off her!

[alarm trilling]

You little bastard!

[alarm stops]

Veronica!

Sorry!

I thought it might help.

-Two pound fifty that cost me. -Oh.

Are you all right?

-Did it have much in it? -[Fiona] It's not the money.

It's the first night I met Steve,

he tried to stop me getting me bag nicked.

[dogs barking]

Why does everything have to remind me of him?

[cat snarling]

[Veronica] Oh.

-Oh. [sighs] -[peeing]

-Will she get rid of it? -How the hell should I know?

There's still plenty of time for an abortion.

It's up to 16 weeks.

She can't keep it.

She can't.

[sighs]

I wouldn't mind. I were going to knock it on the head.

I didn't even want the sex anymore.

What?

It were only a jump.

It weren't supposed to mean owt. She's a fucking Maguire.

-[dogs barking] -[siren wailing]

-Why weren't you more careful? -Than what, johnnies?

What do you use, Ian, bin liners?

No, you use Kash's arse.

[Lip and Ian] Piss off!

I'm moving out of this house.

[door slams]

Can't you just go around and see what's she thinking?

No way. You go 'round.

[sighs] Who am I?

You're the one who's supposed to be shagging her.

[babies crying]

Can't you shut them fucking kids up?

[babies crying]

Sheila, where do you keep that little box with the 2ps in?

Hey, hey, what's going on?

Remember that article you showed me about the dog that joined Mensa?

-Yeah. -Well, on the other side,

there was a piece about toxins in breast milk.

Everything that goes into me, goes into them.

I'm damaging them, Frank. I'm damaging them.

Wait, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no! Hang on.

'Cause, no, you're on this stuff for a reason, hey?

Medication, medication, m-- Tell her.

He's right, Mam. You can't just throw 'em all out.

You'll be climbing the fucking walls.

Sometimes, Frank, we have to make sacrifices.

Look at Joan of Arc.

[pill containers clattering]

[Karen] I've got to go now, Mum.

[coins rattling]

A pint of dog, when you're ready, please, stout yeoman.

[indistinct chatter]

One pound and ninety pence.

[sighs]

So, that's £1.90 off your tab, isn't it, Frank?

[coins rattle]

Hey. Wait, no, no,

'cause that's not playing by the fucking rules.

And what rules are those, Frank?

This is a pub, not a charity.

That's 365 pounds.

And I want every penny back.

-[tyres screech] -[horn honks]

Dad wants words.

[tyres screech]

You know why we've brought you.

Our Mandy can't keep secrets.

Not from her mother.

I only have to look in them pretty brown eyes

to know exactly what's going on,

up here.

[dog growls]

[Mimi] She's very precious to us...

-our Mandy. -[dog growling]

Our one and only daughter.

And you've turned her into a woman.

[pants]

Welcome to the family.

-[all laughing] -[Patrick] Hey, hey.

[indistinct chatter]

["God is a DJ" by Faithless plays]

Hey, my Mimi was up the duff when we got hitched.

Don't you worry about it.

[Patrick laughs] Hey, well done!

Here's to you, son.

And we're gonna be grandparents! [laughs]

[Mimi] Have a drink, Ian.

♪ This is my church ♪

[dog barking]

[Mimi] Ian, can I have a word?

Tell me that you love her.

I love her.

Honest, Mimi, I love her.

You'd better, Ian...

because she's our Princess Mandy.

And if you ever

do anything to hurt her...

-[thuds] -...your bollocks come off.

Come on, let's get pissed.

[music continues]

-[laughter] -[dogs bark]

[Ian] What are we gonna do, Mandy?

You could not have it.

You could just pretend that you-- you lost it.

It happens all the time. Cindy Bailey lost

-two kids before-- -Ian!

We're Catholics.

Mum's pro-life.

She deals drugs out the back door.

So?

It's not the end of the world.

It's a baby.

-We'll deal with it. -[sobbing]

[Ian] She's gonna have it. There's no two ways.

You're gonna be a dad

and everyone's gonna think it's mine.

They've even got a list of friggin' names lined up.

So what do you suggest, Ian?

Announce the truth?

Because that'd mean exposing your little secret, bum boy.

[grunts]

[grunts, moans]

[Lip and Lena breathe heavily]

[groans]

[both pant]

[Lip] You know if I got you pregnant?

-Would you keep it? -[laughs]

[pants]

Would you want me to?

I don't know. Sort of.

It wouldn't be so bad with you.

You know how to sweet-talk a girl.

No, I mean...

you're older.

You know, you...

You'd know what you wanted.

Don't worry, Lip.

[chuckles] We'll be careful.

[skateboard approaching]

Oi!

You little shit!

[Craig] All right, all right.

Where's the fire?

Kid that just legged it in here, and don't deny it, 'cause I saw him,

snatched me bag last night.

I want it back or I'm calling the police.

Dylan! Out here now.

-Caught you! -This lady thinks

-you might have took her bag-- -Don't "think", he did.

Thinks you might have taken her bag last night.

-No, she's lying. -Why would she do that, Dylan?

Don't know but I ain't got no bag, and I ain't seen her before.

Maybe you've got the wrong kid.

Little wanker.

Fine, I'll see what the police have to say about it.

[woozy music]

[door opening]

-Hi, how you feeling, love? -[sighs]

I feel like a new woman. [breathes heavily]

Seventeen hours drug-free.

All those pills were clogging up my system.

Well, like Francis of Assisi said when he got the stigmata,

"One day at a time."

[belches]

[Kash] Hey, Ian...

-fancy a break? -No.

[shop bell rings]

-All right? -[dog barks]

Where's Ian?

Hey, Ian, get your coat.

We're going to the footy. [laughs]

Well, look lively. Motor's running.

He's, uh, supposed to be working.

Not anymore. He isn't.

The day he got my Mandy pregnant

is the day he earned himself respect.

Unless you think that doesn't apply.

-[Patrick claps] -Chop-chop.

Pint of lager. Not until I...

am holding it.

[Patrick] Come on, Ian.

[laughter]

[indistinct shouting]

-He's done it. -[laughter]

[Patrick] What's he looking at?

Oi, want a fucking picture? Get him over here now.

Hey, hey. No, it's-- No, it's all right.

I'll just-- Ian. Ian. I'll come quietly.

Jesus, Ian! Ian, Ian.

-What the fuck are you doing here? -[Patrick] Shut it!

You know this joker, Ian?

[Ian] Yeah, that's my dad.

-Granddaddy Gallagher, huh? -[laughter]

Yeah, well, it's a good job you found a proper family to belong to.

-Was there something else? -What? No.

Well, piss off back under your stone.

[Patrick] Drink up!

We'll get you another at the Crosses.

[laughter]

Your address was on the work pass.

All about pride with kids, isn't it?

He thinks he's street, giving it the mouth.

He's one strike away from a young offenders'.

Shouldn't go 'round nicking people's bag, then.

I agree.

Stepbrother. Doesn't even live with me.

Just darts in mine when he needs a quick getaway.

[unzips bag]

[clicks tongue]

-Something missing? -Tenner.

No, forget it. It was the bag I wanted.

Craig, by the way.

Fiona.

Under what circumstances would I be called "granddad"?

Um, I'm no expert, Frank,

but I'd say it'd be when one of your kids has a baby.

Exactly. But the question is...

which one? The first one,

obvious choice.

-Uh, Frank, I have no idea. -Who is our Ian's girlfriend?

Mandy Maguire, has been for ages.

But they're not even...

No, he hasn't...

Hm.

-Oh, fucking hell. -Fucking...

Granddad.

-[indistinct chatter] -[grunts]

♪ My old man Said be a Man U fan ♪

[Maguires] ♪ But I said fuck off You're a cunt ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[Patrick laughing]

-[Donny chanting aggressively] -[Patrick laughing]

Dad. Dad, there's Vinnie McKinnon.

[Patrick] Yee-ha! Catch him, son.

All right, Vinnie?

[Patrick] Hello there, Vinnie! How are you doing, son?

-[tyres squeal] -[Patrick] Hold it there, boys.

-Out you get. -[dog barks]

-[Donny] Come on, Ian! -[Patrick] Yee-ha!

[dogs barking]

[indistinct shouting]

[grunting]

-[grunting] -Whoa!

[grunting]

[Patrick] People have got to learn to pay their debts, Ian.

You're one of us now, you know?

You need anything sorting, huh?

-Say the word. -[Vinnie grunting]

All right, all right, all right, lads.

-[grunting] -All right. Pack it in!

Still want his mammy to recognise him, huh?

[Vinnie groaning]

-Here Ian, hold those. -[Donny exhales deeply]

And Maguire takes it on the chest, beats one man.

-[grunts] -What a goal!

What a goal from Patrick Maguire!

In the dying seconds, he makes it three-nil!

And that surely is it. The World Cup is theirs!

Hey, Ian, come on!

[sniffles]

[Ian sobbing]

-[Lip] Ian. -[Ian] Piss off, Lip.

Ian, look at me.

[sniffles] Go fuck yourself.

[sighs] Look, we've gotta talk about this. It-- It--

It's not just your problem, you know.

I'm the one in the shit.

Listen to me, you smart-arsed prick.

The hardest family on the estate think I'm their fucking son-in-law.

And why, Lip? Why? 'Cause of you!

Oh, like you had no part in it.

Why have you got a fake bird, Ian? 'Cause it suited you.

Because...

that's what you are.

That is what you do, you fucking queen.

Well, ask me where I've been today.

Fucking ask me!

Football. [chuckles] With the Maguires.

A few beers, bit of a laugh. Oh, yeah, and on the way home,

we kicked the living crap out of somebody.

And not just a kicking, Lip. They hammered him.

And, I mean, hammered. And they enjoyed it.

I can't be part of that family, Lip.

They're maniacs. Proper fucking maniacs.

This is your mistake. You live with it!

-[Lip grunts] -[both grunt]

[Fiona] Break it up!

-Pack it in, the pair of you! -[Veronica] Oi, oi, oi, oi!

Oi!

Come on!

Now you tell me what's going on.

[Veronica clears throat]

[breathes heavily]

-Somebody better start talking. -It's nothing to do with me.

Must have been hidden.

Must have come out when we were scrapping.

Well, if it doesn't belong to either of you--

Fiona, me dad's here. Says he wants a word with you.

[Carol] All I'm saying is that she doesn't look her usual self.

Yeah, well, you'd better learn to keep that out and sh--

Oh, here he is! Mr Big Shot!

Mr friend of the fucking Maguires!

Well, you better tell us your big secret, Mr Big Shot.

'Cause I thought it was just me

but no other fucker seems to know.

Leave him alone, Dad.

He doesn't have to tell us until he's ready.

What you on about?

He's got some bird up the duff, we've a right to know!

Especially that slapper!

Fuck off!

Just fuck off, the lot of youse! Leave me alone!

-Can I have his haddock? -[door shuts]

Well, what can we do to put a smile on them chops?

[Frank] Chuck yourself off a bridge.

Come on, you don't mean that, Frank.

[indistinct chatter]

I just found out my son's gonna have a kiddie.

Fifteen-year-old lad,

got his girlfriend lumbered.

He's just tossed his life away before it's started.

What's the sodding world coming to, eh?

This isn't about him at all, is it, Frank?

Hey, I bet you don't look at me and think Grandma.

-[scoffs] -It doesn't mean

you gotta start wearing zip-up slippers, you know?

-Tell you what. -What?

I'll buy you a drink.

[indistinct chatter]

[buttons clicking]

[video game beeping]

Hey, thought we should have a talk.

What for?

'Cause we never do.

So?

Carl...

we'll still love you, you know, no matter what.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

What isn't?

That's not mine. It's gay!

[video game beeps]

[knock on door]

Dylan sent you these as an apology.

Dylan sent them?

Okay. Might have been my idea.

Tell me to piss off if you want.

No. No, I appreciate it.

They're beautiful.

Oh!

It's a long story.

Do you fancy a drink?

You're gonna have to tell them, Ian.

It's the only way out of it.

-The Maguires! -Kash!

No, it's just, you know, what do you think they're going to say?

They'll hate him for it.

He won't just be a liar. He'll be a...

queer liar.

So what's your advice? Live a lie?

Marriage? Kids?

[Kash sighs]

Mandy's a nice girl, Ian.

You can't do that to her.

You can't do that to yourself.

[sighs]

You're not doing the honourable thing.

You're just ruining everyone's life.

[dogs bark]

[mouths]

[Fiona] So... [clears throat]

There's no mum.

She pissed off years ago and moved in with another woman.

What, "moved in" moved in?

[laughs] Yes.

[laughs] Sorry. Hey, but you can't say

she didn't give being straight a decent stab. I mean, what, six kids?

Who's the bloke?

[door closes]

Sorry. Grab another drink.

[Fiona] Ian?

I don't wanna talk about it.

[Fiona] Okay.

You know I'm here when you do.

Listen.

I should get back.

No.

Stay.

-[Cassie] He writes me these letters... -Oh, yeah.

...begging me, pleading with me to stand by him.

Yeah. [chuckles]

I wouldn't mind, but he's doing life.

[chuckles]

You get lonely, though, Frank.

All them nights...

sleeping on your own.

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah, yeah, I'm the same.

You know, single bloke on me own.

You know, it's not easy. [chuckles]

Yeah. Sometimes...

all you want is the warmth of another body...

next to yours.

Do you fancy clearing that bar tab, Frank?

Oh, does the pope shit in the woods?

[glasses clinking]

We're talking...

all of it?

Like it never existed.

[music plays]

[Cassie] You two get off. I'll, uh, finish up here.

-No, no. No way! -Just a favour. Just this one--

Look, she's gonna clear the whole lot!

Tab gone!

Three hundred and fifty smackers, vanished!

-For sex with you? -Shut up!

What? I can't-- What-- What about Sheila?

You can't fucking shag someone for money!

That's scraping it, even by your standards.

Hello? That's why I need you to spring me.

Look, I'll just, you know,

feel her up a bit, get the motor running...

-Ugh. -...and then, wham!

Kevus Interruptus.

Oh, fuck it! You owe me for this, Frank, and we're talking big-time.

[grunts softly]

[moaning]

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Cassie, Cassie, Cassie.

Why don't we take it nice and slow?

Sod that. I want you in me.

[grunts]

Oh, Cassie, I want you!

Oh, I want you, now!

Now.

Yeah.

-[Cassie] Suck them! -[Frank] What?

[Cassie grunts]

You want me to suck your tits?

[Cassie] I want you to bite me.

Treat me rough. I want you to spit on me.

[Frank grunts]

Cassie, Cassie, no. I can't-- I can't do this.

-You can. -No, it's not that I don't--

I don't want to-- I mean, I-- I'd love to, but--

Playing hard to get, Frank?

-We'll see about that. -[fly unzips]

No, no, wait-- Oh.

[Frank grunts]

[moans]

[moans]

-[Cassie] What the-- -What are the chances of that?

[Karen] Come back here, you bastards!

Two lads, druggies.

I just seen 'em running off towards the park.

[Cassie] Right!

I'm calling the police!

[Frank] A big help you were!

You got out of it, didn't you?

Fucking come here!

-[Karen] She was all over you! -No, you can't keep that

out of other people's business, can you?

We had a plan. We had it all sorted out until you came along and fucked it all up!

Frank! She was sucking you off!

[cat snarling]

I wouldn't say "sucking".

Do you know your problem, Frank?

-What's that? -You never think about anyone

but yourself! You never take any responsibility for your actions!

Ugh! You're like a pathetic little kid!

Ugh! Takes one to know one!

Touch her again...

and I'll ruin your life.

-Yeah. [scoffs] -Oh, I mean it, Frank.

Me mum, the house,

the kids,

you'll lose the lot!

[cat snarls]

[baby coos]

[unsettling music]

[Frank] What's up with you?

It's the twins.

The twins.

What?

What's wrong with them?

-That's a girl. -Christ, they are evil!

-[baby crying] -They're evil!

-[babies crying] -[pigs squealing]

[squealing continues]

[breathes heavily]

[Sheila] Don't touch me. Don't touch me!

Don't touch me, please!

[indistinct shouting]

Don't touch me. [shrieks, breathes heavily]

[baby cries]

Who'd have kids?

[door closes]

[Craig groans softly]

[exhales] Hey!

Should have woken me.

You okay?

I've got to get the kids ready for school and head off to work, so...

[clicks tongue] Should I use the door,

or would you rather I disappeared in a puff of smoke?

[sighs]

[Fiona] Here's your dinner money.

-[knocking at door] -[Fiona] That's for your trip.

All right? Is your Ian in?

Engagement party, tomorrow night.

Mum thinks everyone should meet.

See you later, sweetheart.

I've asked her to marry me.

Does that mean we'll be related?

[door closes]

[Carol] Speak for yourself.

Oi!

Are you right in the head?

-I had no option. -What are you on about?

You can't marry her. You're fucking gay!

Went around last night to talk to her parents,

and I were gonna tell them the truth about everything.

But the words wouldn't come out.

They thought I were nervous, so they started talking for me.

Before I knew it, I were getting engaged!

They've even given us a bleeding ring!

[sighs] You can't do it, Ian.

I've no fucking choice!

[sighs]

What do you want?

Engagement party? Why are you doing this, Mandy?

He's a better man than you.

Oh, what, are you gonna let him marry you?

Mandy, what do you want?

-Lip, nothing I want to hear. -What do you mean? It's my baby.

[door creaking]

[Mandy] Ian's brother.

Offering his congratulations.

Fuck!

[grunts]

Fucking-- Fuck!

[horn honking]

Jesus, it's like meet the mob.

Pleased to meet you. I'm Mimi.

-This is Patrick. -Fiona.

Me dad, Frank.

-We've met. -Uh, yeah, happy occasion, eh?

Two families joined together by love.

You can't go through with this.

[Frank] It's like Romeo and Juliet, innit?

Except, you know, without the suicides.

[chuckles] That Shakespeare was no comedy writer, was he?

[Patrick] Let the celebrations commence.

[Frank] Yay!

[Patrick] Come on. Pile into the car.

-[Frank] Come on! Come on. -[Patrick] Plenty of room.

[Patrick] Squeeze up. Squeeze up.

Room for a little 'un?

Yeah, if you don't mind the boot.

[Frank] Minstrel, play.

Don't do this to yourself.

-[car engine starting] -I've changed my mind.

["I'm in the Mood for Dancing" by the Nolans plays]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm in the mood for dancing romancing ♪

♪ Ooh, I'm giving it all tonight ♪

♪ I'm in the mood for chancing ♪

-Thanks. -♪ I feel like dancing ♪

♪ Oh, so come on and hold me tight ♪

They've got two fuckin' champers!

♪ I'm in the mood, babe ♪

♪ So let the music play ♪

♪ Ooh, I'm dancing ♪

♪ I'm in the groove, babe ♪

[Patrick] Come on, ladies. Let's have a dance.

We're all right here, thanks.

[Patrick] That wasn't a question.

♪ I'm in the mood for dancing romancing ♪

♪ You know I shan't ever stop tonight ♪

I thought your family were bad,

but they're like the Windsors compared to this lot.

Well, this is what happens when Willie don't wear a rain hat.

♪ Take me again ♪

♪ And, heaven, who knows just where it will end ♪

[Patrick] Okay, everybody, everybody, can I have your attention, please?

Pray silence for the master of ceremonies.

Now, then...

as the old saying goes,

we're not so much losing a daughter as gaining a son,

and we want our Mandy to be happy.

And I know this young fella's gonna make her happy.

He better had, 'cause if he doesn't,

-I'll kill him! [laugh] -[laughter]

They've a young baby on the way,

and I know he's gonna make a great father.

So I want you all to raise your glasses for a toast.

[indistinct chatter]

To Mandy...

and Ian.

-[Mimi] Mandy and Ian! -[all] Mandy and Ian!

[all] Mandy and Ian! [cheering]

Call it off.

[cheering]

-[shouts] Call it off! -[cheering stops]

Call it off. The whole thing's a joke.

Donny, get him out of here.

[woman yelping]

The baby's mine.

-[glass shatters] -[crowd murmuring]

[Mandy] I'm sorry.

I should have told you, Ian.

[Mandy groaning]

You bastard!

-[Veronica] Hey, hey, hey! -[both grunting]

[Veronica] Back off, Ian! Ian! Ian, Ian.

-[Ian and Lip grunting] -[Veronica] Ian, Ian, Ian.

-[grunting] -Get off! Ian!

[grunts, pants]

[chuckles] Tell me you're lying.

Tell me you're lying.

[grunts]

-Get your hands off him! -Your baby brother, eh?

[screams]

Stop it, please! It's my fault! It's my fault!

-[indistinct shouting] -[crashing]

[screams]

-[Veronica] Stop it! -[shouting]

[Cassie] Break it up, the lot of you!

I want you out of my pub now!

Oh, you don't scare me, love.

[grunts]

["True" by Spandau Ballet plays]

Look at the state of him.

-[grunts] -You're a bleedin' animal.

-[pants] -I'm so sorry.

Really sorry.

♪ So true ♪

♪ Funny how it seems ♪

♪ Always in time ♪

[Sheila screaming] Frank!

-I want to kill the babies! -[Karen] Mum!

-I want to kill the babies! -Fucking do something!

[screaming continues]

-[Karen] Please! -[Sheila screaming]

-[Frank] All right. -[screams] Don't touch me!

-[Frank] Sheila. -[screaming continues]

[Cassie] You wanker!

You're barred!

[screaming continues]

-[Mimi] Gallaghers. [scoffs] -[Karen and Sheila screaming]

Nothing but scum. [spits]

[Patrick] Stay the fuck away from this baby!

It's got nothing to do with you cunts anymore.

♪ Oh, I want the truth to be said ♪

Scum!

[Patrick] Come on, everybody. Get a drink. Don't waste all this drink.

Come on, we're the fucking Maguires!

[grunting]

[Patrick grunting]

-Fuck all of youse! -Welcome back.

♪ ...this much is true ♪

Thanks.

Did they hurt you?

Yeah, right.

Felt like an effeminate chimp.

[chuckles softly]

I couldn't let you go through with it, Ian.

You were gonna chuck your life away because of my mistake.

[sighs]

You've made yourself the villain.

-They're gonna hate you for it. -Yeah.

Well, that's something we'll just have to live with.

[clears throat]

-[door closes] -Don't worry. I'm not staying.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I need a favour.

Don't hate Lip.

You can't hate him because I knew all along.

About him and Mandy.

And what about the baby?

There was no way it could be mine.

And yet you were gonna go along with it?

The engagement, the wedding?

[sighs]

[magazines rustling]

[sighs]

Mandy were my cover. We never even done it.

Don't tell anyone.

Please, Fiona, don't tell anyone.

Look, it wasn't you, okay?

I just can't get into all that again.

All that?

[sighs]

He broke your heart, yeah? You used to love him.

That guy in the picture.

I'm sorry.

[voice breaks] I was just lonely.

I hardly even know you. [cries]

-Ain't that the point? -[chuckles]

[sighs]

[Lip] I never imagined I'd have a kid at this age.

That's what all the fuck-ups do.

Shag some bird, then piss off and leave someone else to bring it up.

CSA chasing them for money.

Except now I'm the fuck-up.

[indistinct chatter]

-She were a good jump, though. -[Ian chuckles]

See you two have kissed and made up.

-Look who's found her marbles. -[exhales sharply]

-[Sheila chuckling] -[Fiona] Hiya!

[Sheila] The doctors said I should never have come off of the Seroxin.

-Hey, you two. -Oh, what's the matter, baby?

Were you missing your daddy?

-[baby crying] -Aw!

No, give it him, it'll be good practice.

Hey, who fancies a beer?

-Courtesy of Sheila. -[babies crying]

[Frank] They broke the mould after you, love, didn't they?

Keep taking the tablets.

[breathes sharply] Hello, Carol.

-[Carol] Oh, surprise. -Sheila!

Sheila!

["We Used to be Friends" by The Dandy Warhols plays]

♪ A long time ago we used to be friends ♪

♪ But I haven't thought of you lately at all ♪

♪ If ever again a greeting is sent ♪

[Ian] Being a human's rubbish, especially in this house.

If it comes to a toss up between people and dogs,

give me a wet nose every time.

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

You're not my dad.

Of course I'm your fucking dad.

Fiona had sexual intercourse with Joey Dawson.

-[grunts] -Gary Bennett.

[Frank] Fucker.

What do you think, eh?

Mr and Mrs Dawson.

[Kev] Oh!

[screams]

[all] One, two, three. Cheese!

-Eh, wrong family! -[Frank] Come on, Sheila.

[overlapping chatter]

♪ So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, adieu ♪

♪ Adieu, adieu to you and you and you ♪

[sighs]

♪ So long, farewell Au revoir, auf Wiedersehen ♪

I think I'd better lower the dose.

[camera shutter clicks]