Original subtitles

[Frank] Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,

but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,

and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

[Frank] They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run! Run for it! -[Lip] Quick! Leg it!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, 'which is handy for the others

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.

-Two, nits love 'im. -[screams]

[Frank] Debbie, sent by God. Total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam! [chuckles] Gonna be a star.

Once we've got the fits under control.

-[screams]

[Frank] Steve, Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there. Not.

Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of them, to a man, know, first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life

is they know how to throw a party!

[laughing] Scatter!

[indistinct chatter]

[Fiona] When I was little, my mum used to say,

"Keep your eyes open, Fiona.

Things aren't always as they seem."

Which bugged me, 'cause I thought,

"What about when you're asleep?"

It's only now I know what she meant.

That it's the things you think you know best

that have the power to surprise you most.

[machine whirring]

[Veronica] Fiona.

-Just nipped out for essentials. -[whistles] Nice outfit!

I know. Started on the spare room again.

Going to be a big job though, Fiona.

You're telling me.

Mm, I reckon, it'll take a few coats to get rid of that purple.

Have you noticed anything unusual?

-Like what? -On the estate.

Everywhere you turn, it's like people have started...

[indistinct chatter]

Down. I want that in the corner here.

[Carol speaking indistinctly]

-...gardening. -[man] Come on.

Carol? What's going on?

My way of contributing to say thank you to Fiona.

And if we happen to win that competition,

so much the better!

-Come on. -[Veronica] We can help.

[Fiona] Uh, what competition?

-Didn't you see the letter? -[Fiona] What letter?

From the council. I left it on the table.

New initiative so tenants show respect for their houses.

Yeah, there's a year's free rent for the house with the best-kept exterior.

A year's free rent? You're joking!

Why didn't someone tell me?

Don't you get post at your house?

Shit.

Shit. Shit.

[Lip] Anyway, you don't stand a chance with that shit heap of yours, do ya?

If anybody is winning that prize,

-it's us. [laughs] -[Carl] Yeah!

[all hooting]

It'll look lovely when it's all arranged, Fiona.

-[door closes] -That's very kind of you, Carol.

Just in time for my birthday. I'm thinking summer barbecue.

Come on, forward, forward. Keep goin'.

[indistinct chatter]

Here, Ian, eat this!

[Carol cheering]

[indistinct chatter continues]

[Carol] Come on.

How much longer can we string this decoration out?

Hey, I reckon we should do orange next.

Tell them it'll remind Marty of fire.

Going to win though, aren't they?

No one else will make that sort of effort.

-[Kevin] So? -So?

Thanks to my mother helping next door,

theirs looks really good, while ours looks like Steptoe's bleeding yard.

Oh, no. I am not gardening, V.

If that's where this is leading. Not for some poxy competition.

[groans] Kev, it's for a year's free rent.

Which is why I'm going to work.

[shouts] And you can get them bleeding bikes fixed!

[Fiona] Whoo! [chuckles]

[laughs, moans]

[both laugh]

[knocking on door]

-[Carol] Steve. -[Fiona gasps]

-[Carol] Steve, I need a favour -[Steve muffled]

-[knocking continues] -[Carol] Steve? Are you there?

A lady doesn't tell her age.

You're as old as the man you feel. [chuckles]

-Hey! Cheeky bugger! -[Fiona clearing throat]

[chuckles] Day after tomorrow, you know where we are.

Dress to impress. [chuckles]

Did you shout earlier, Carol? We were having a lie down.

Borrowed Steve's mobile. Mine's as flat as a pancake.

-[phone beeping] -Oh, Kerry Anne, who the...

Oh, it's not my phone.

[Veronica] Could be a mistake.

I once got one asking if the gecko was still for sale.

"See you tomorrow, can't wait," four fucking kisses?

He's met someone else. Who the fuck is Kerry Anne?

You could always ring her.

And say what?

[sighs] Trust my mum to go sticking her nose in.

Veronica, if it's the truth, I'd rather know.

[gasps] Fiona, wait!

You can't go charging in there, all guns blazing.

-Why not? -Because you're angry.

Whatever he says, you'll only hear guilt.

That proves nothing.

I mean, Steve's not the affair type.

But it tells you one thing,

he's meant to be meeting her tomorrow night.

So then you'll find out whether he's lying.

-[indistinct chatter outside] -Yeah.

[indistinct gardening show on TV]

-All right, fellas? -[Tommy exhales]

-How's it going? -Shite

Fucking council.

Might as well take the shirt off me back.

Getting people to do their own gardens.

That is a conspiracy, Kev. They're trying to force us out.

[chatter continues over TV]

Hey, Tommy, you know what they say.

Don't get mad, get even.

You still got that big truck?

[Tommy] Huh.

-Right, let's get started. -[Tommy] Let's go.

-[water rushing] -[indistinct chatter]

You like it?

What the-- [chuckles] How did you--

Well, remember the council

wasting all that money on the Diana memorial garden?

-[chuckles] -[laughs] No.

But it's what she would have wanted.

[laughs, cheers] We're gonna win!

We're gonna win! I love you! [laughs] I love you!

-Uh, how has this happened? -Mm, just appeared overnight.

Must be God, looking out for us.

Yeah, God and his two mates,

-Tommy and Phil. -You nicked it?

[chuckles] Best 50 quid I ever spent, Fi.

-You've done this out of spite! -It's our garden.

-We'll do what we like! -She's always been like this,

ever since she was a little girl. Always has to go one better.

What is your problem?

Why can't you be pleased for me?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on a minute. Hang on.

Calm down. [stammers]

Both gardens look better than they did.

[chuckles] Yeah, but ours is a bit shit in comparison.

A year's free rent coming our way.

-Mm. -[Lip chuckles]

Me own daughter turns against me.

[both laugh]

Taxi will be here any minute.

I still don't understand why the twins can't go with you.

Frank, she's in a hospice.

Yeah, but do they not have a crèche?

[babies cooing]

Just a couple of days, you'll manage.

I'm worried about you. You know,

it's not good for mothers to be apart from their nippers,

you know, it plays havoc with the hormones.

Everything's here.

I've colour-coded the piles.

Morning's green, afternoon's amber,

evening's red,

well, puce.

It's like a traffic light in reverse.

Here's a list of what everything does.

Yeah, I've brought up six of my own, you know.

What about grub?

Six draughts of milk in the fridge.

-Baby rice in the cupboard. -I meant for me!

Nothing can go wrong.

Anything else?

[sighs] Bye.

[sighs] Here's to Alzheimer's.

World of your own, and revenge on your kids.

[babies crying]

Oh, for fuck's sake!

-♪ Singin' in the rain ♪ -♪ Singin' in the rain ♪

-♪ Just sing... ♪ [chuckles] -♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪

-[Veronica mumbles, laughs] -[dog barking]

-♪ What a glorious feeling ♪ -♪ Glorious feeling ♪

-♪ I'm happy again ♪ -[laughs] ♪ Again ♪

[laughs]

-[Kevin] ♪ I'm, ta, ta, ta, ta ♪ -♪ Ta, ta, ta ♪

[Kevin] ♪ Ta, ta, ta Ta, ta, ta ♪

[screams] Fuck!

Right.

That fucking bitch!

[dog barking in distance]

Do you know what time it is?

Look at our garden! Go on. Look at it!

And we know who's behind that, don't we?

She's done this! You malicious old bitch!

Veronica, everybody's in bed!

-What's she saying about me? -Oh, Carol, go back to bed.

Who did she get to do it for you?

-One of your shags? -What are you talking about?

Our garden, you vicious old cow!

I've not touched your precious bloody garden!

Veronica, you're making a right show of yourself.

-Go indoors. -All right for you, innit?

You don't need a year's free rent

'cause flash twat's bought you a spare house!

We still pay for next door!

And if you hadn't spent the last month

trying to find a million reasons why your mum and Marty

couldn't move back into your house, none of this would have happened!

-[Carol groans] -Fuck off!

You--

Mm. There's a face I'm happy to see. Mm. [smooches]

[grunts, exhales]

You all right?

-Where have you been? -Stoke.

I thought I told you.

Had to offload that Freelander.

Anyway, I, uh, I'm gonna have a beer and I'll follow you up.

["Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley playing]

[all singing] ♪ ...any other guy ♪

♪ I just wanna tell you How I'm feeling ♪

♪ I gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up ♪

♪ Never gonna let you down ♪

♪ Never gonna run around And desert you ♪

♪ Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye ♪

[officer 1] All right, Sergeant, through the back entrance.

[indistinct chatter over radio]

-[all singing] ♪ ...hurt you ♪ -It's a raid!

[indistinct chatter]

-[music stops] -[fruit machine bleeping quietly]

[indistinct chatter over radio]

[Jez] All right, sir?

-What can I do for you? -Just you two, is it?

[babies cooing]

[officer 2] Whose are they?

-Mine! -Mine!

Out!

Yeah, no, look, the thing is, see, I know what it looks like--

[officer 2] I've three of me own.

I know it can be hard sometimes, getting out, getting a beer.

-But-- -But the simple fact is,

they don't come in here. Ever.

[officer 1] Put it down.

Now get 'em home.

12:30, residential area,

pub full of drinkers.

That's a violation of your licence.

I'm doing you a favour.

If they're in here, they're not out there.

Council orders, straight from the top.

Zero tolerance.

Temporary cessation of licence, pending appeal.

You're closing us down?

Short, sharp, shock. That's the message from on high.

But surely we could come to some sort of arrangement.

-No. -[officer 1] Keep walking.

Get 'em out of here.

Anyone would think there was a war on.

You are spot on there, Frank.

They only introduced the fucking law to stop miners getting pissed all night.

I mean, hello!

[slurs] I mean, who the fuck has to get up in the morning and--

Find me keys.

Cracking house, Frank.

[slurs] Well, everything has to come at a price.

[Tommy] Where the fuck are we going to drink now?

Tommy, I just don't fucking know.

-Come on. -How long is Sheila away for?

[dog barking]

Frank?

-[all] Surprise! -[party horns toot]

Happy birthday, Carol!

Jesus! I almost felt my heart stop then!

-Happy birthday, Carol! -Oh!

[all cheering]

-[whistles] -[indistinct chatter]

Sounds like we're missing all the fun.

Or we could just make our own.

Question.

Do you love me?

[chuckles] What? Where's that come from?

[car approaching]

-That's not an answer. -[car honking]

Of course I love you.

All right. Mental checklist.

Birthday, fine. Uh, anniversary of our first date--

You haven't forgotten anything.

Then what's the face for?

Mm?

[phone ringing]

[Frank groans]

[Frank] Yes, I am hearing what you're saying,

but I don't understand why you get--

Look, two days you told me. Three, tops! And now this?

[Sheila] Things aren't too good this end, Frank, actually.

But what about your kiddies?

Eh? Two little babies, missing their mum.

Come on, they need you, Sheila.

Christ. Every time I hold little Nigel, he starts sucking on me tit.

Oh, listen. Sheila, I've got to go, our Debbie's here.

[Tommy coughing]

Hiya, Debbie, good girl. Come to help your old dad babysit?

No. Carol's having a birthday party.

We need to borrow plates and bowls.

[water running]

Tell her what you told me.

Last night, a gang of lads kicked hell out of my fence.

Then did over blind Brenda's. The little bastards.

Satisfied?

Funny how they didn't touch yours!

Happy birthday.

Fuckface! Message for Veronica.

Don't bother coming to the party. [inhales, exhales]

Oh, here.

Fuck's this?

Stuff you borrowed from us. Mum wants it all back.

Best of A-ha?

Okay, just a couple of hours, Tommy. Three tops. You know,

just got to show my face. Family stuff, you know.

Yeah. Right you are.

Just, uh, help yourself to anything in the cupboard.

Well, not anything, you know? And if, uh...

they start crying out, just, you know...

-stick 'em upstairs. -You've not got a present?

[cheering over TV]

[baby coos]

[man 2] It says it's fucking shut till further notice.

-Hey, Frank. -Hey, Phil.

Hey, Tommy's round our place watching the fight.

[Phil] Nice one.

[music playing]

Hello, darl'!

-[woman screams] -[man 3] Whoa!

[indistinct chatter]

Hey! [laughs]

Little something from me and Sheila.

Oh, Frank. You shouldn't have.

Oh! It's a... [laughs] Oh, thank you!

Here's to another 60 years, eh, Carol?

-Thank you. [chuckles] -Oh! Carol!

Looking good! [laughs]

That's just like the one that we bought Sheila for her birthday.

Hey.

Listen, if you're getting hammered, I'm not going to be four drinks behind.

-[phone ringing] -[Steve] Mm.

Excuse me.

[phone beeps]

-Who was that? -Oh, it's just my sister.

Probably just wants to slag Mum off.

-I'll call her tomorrow. -[all] Happy birthday, Carol!

-[all cheering] Hooray! -[woman] Woo!

[knocking on door]

[indistinct chatter]

Veronica, come over.

Has she asked you to do this?

It's your mum's birthday. You can't not speak to her.

Why not?

If she were that bothered, she'd have come round herself.

I'm sorry about last night.

It was her I was mad at, not you.

What happened with Steve?

He lied to me.

Straight to my face, he just lied.

But you still haven't asked him?

Second that question comes out of my mouth,

my life changes forever.

All I've been hoping for, marriage, kids.

[sighs] Let's just get though tonight.

I can't come to the party, Fiona.

Can you just give her that?

[indistinct chatter]

-[phone ringing] -[knocking on door]

[Tommy] No, you're right welcome.

-The more, the merrier. -[door opens]

-[man 4] Ey up, Phil. -[door closes]

[Tommy] Yep. Anybody.

All right. See you later. Yeah.

["Size Matters" by Natasha Beddingfield playing]

Honestly, that's the last time, all right?

-All right. Mm-hmm. -Promise me.

[chuckles]

[thunder rumbling]

Feel that?

It's raining. [chuckles] It's fucking raining.

-[Karen] [laughing] Oh, my God! -[Fiona] Everybody, get the food in!

[all laughing, cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

-[Lip] Turn that music up! -[man 4] Yeah!

[Frank] Fucking 'ell.

-[laughs] -Cats and dogs! [chuckles]

Whole thing's a wash-out.

I thought it were a bit optimistic.

Still going on, though, innit?

Still going on without us.

Hey.

What's up?

-She doesn't even want me there. -[thunder rumbling]

[inhales] Her own daughter, and she hasn't even missed me.

[sniffles] I've spent me whole life feeling like this.

Like I wasn't good enough.

Always playing second fiddle.

Me dad, me brothers. The dog.

Well, I've had enough.

[sniffles] I am sick of her rubbing me nose in it.

[sobbing]

Veronica.

["Come on Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners playing]

-[indistinct chatter from party] -[rain pattering]

[music playing]

[all groaning]

-Party's over! -Veronica!

Oh, I might have known! There's no show without Punch.

-Just give me the fuses, yeah? -Keep out of it.

Always the same. Always has to be centre of attention.

-Why's that, Mum? -Oh, grow up!

Houseful of people?

Did it never occur to you that someone was missing?

Come on, V. This isn't going to help, is it?

[Steve] Just give me the fuses!

-This is none of your business. -You're in our house.

-So? -So, give me the fucking fuses!

-Whoa, posh lad! -Steve!

Want the fucking fuses?

-Find the fucking fuses! -You stupid bitch.

What is it with you, Veronica? Some kinda perverse Midas touch.

Everything you touch turns to shit!

Oh, that's rich! Coming from the bloke

who's screwing around behind his girlfriend's back!

-Veronica! -[woman] Hear that?

[indistinct chatter]

"Kerry Anne" ring any bells, Steve?

[rain pattering]

Oh, Jesus!

Tell 'em.

She's my daughter.

[thunder rumbling]

[police siren wailing in distance]

-[Marty laughing] -[Karen] Come on, tell me.

Kev asked me to give him a wank once! [chuckles]

And I did it for him!

[both laugh]

[Marty sniffles, laughs]

-You joined us just in time! -[all laughing]

[Steve] Daughter. Kerry Anne. Seven years old.

Great kid.

Great smile. [chuckles]

Biggest mistake of my life.

And you never thought to tell me?

[sighs]

I was 19 years old.

I was training to be a doctor.

She was a family friend. Her name was Miranda.

[scoffs]

We'd known each other since we were kids and--

I should never have started it.

But... it was only ever meant to be casual.

You know, a bit of fun over the summer.

Next thing I know, she's coming on heavy,

telling me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

So you just pissed off, left her with one in the oven.

She told me she was on the pill.

I swear to God, Fiona, neither of us wanted a kid.

We both had careers ahead of us.

She only did it to--

to keep hold of me.

And I fucked off because I couldn't allow myself to get trapped.

Not in that life.

-How often do you see her? -[sniffles]

Three or four times a year.

Special occasions, birthdays. The contact, that's a new thing.

She's fallen in love with mobiles. [chuckles]

When last?

It's not as simple as you think, Fiona.

When did you last see your daughter?

She doesn't know I'm her dad.

She lives with my brother.

Joey stepped in after I left. [inhales]

Filled a vacuum. [chuckles]

He always loved Miranda, and everybody knew, but...

part of me thinks I was only ever shagging her to put one over on him.

They brought up Kerry Anne as their own.

And they painted me out of the picture.

[inhales deeply, sighs]

-I need a drink. -Fiona, please, just...

I was 19.

[Veronica sobbing]

[knocking on door]

Veronica.

I'm not talking to the fucking door.

-Veronica! -[sobs] No! Go away!

Well, will you just let me explain?

Go to bed, Kev.

-Have a wank. -[Kevin] Just come out.

[Veronica sobbing]

Yeah, all right, he wanked us off.

[groans, sobs] Na, na, na!

-Na, na, na. -But it-- it wasn't pleasure.

-And if you'd stop behaving... -Na, na, na.

[Kevin] ...like a bleedin' child for a second...

-Na, na, na. [sobs] -[Kevin] Veronica! Veronica!

-[water running loudly] -[cries]

[sobs] My entire family are trying to ruin my life.

But I think it's all right...

[inhales] ...'cause I've got Kev.

But no, now I find out you've been getting it on with fucking Marty!

We weren't getting it on!

I do not want to know anything about it!

Don't tell me anything!

First, it's wearing my knickers to work.

And now it's this.

You're as bad as me fucking dad. [sobs]

If you're gay, Kev, just admit it!

[sobs]

[crying]

[car alarm blaring]

-[beeping] -[car alarm stops]

-[indistinct merry chatter] -[music playing]

[music continues]

[Tommy] Frank!

-What you drinking? -What the fuck is going on?

[stutters] And where's all these lot come from?

Folk flock to folk, right?

-Call it a community. -Call it a fucking joke.

Get 'em out, you thick Yorkshire dick!

They've got nowhere to go.

What about a home? There's--

Who brought the fucking darts?

-[indistinct chatter] -[woman laughing]

They're all paying. A pound a can.

And as much free weed as we can smoke. [chuckles]

All the benefits of the pub without leaving your own home.

-Hey, where's the twins? -Now, don't worry,

'cause Sally's looking after them. And she loves kiddies.

All right?

That's a fucking bloke.

[Tommy] Oh.

Right, now where could we put that fruit machine?

-[door closes] -Where's Steve?

Had to head off early. Had to be somewhere.

I saw you sneaking out of Debbie's room this morning.

You're not splitting up, are ya?

[door opens]

Ian, have you still got that spare Cash and Carry card?

-And how's Sheila's mum? -Oh, fuck knows.

-ls that kettle on? -Well, what do you need it for?

Oh, because your so-called mate won't give us a discount.

Whatever happened to rewarding loyalty, eh?

-I've lent it Veronica. -Well, run and get it, will ya?

And ask Kev if he's still got that trailer.

Do it your fucking self!

Frank says have you still got that Cash and Carry card?

Oh, Veronica!

Look, just tell me where it is, and I'll get it.

[indistinct chatter]

[Steve] Hi, are you all right?

There's something I need you to see.

Hey, look, get in.

[door opens]

Oh, Jesus, Frank! Look at the state of this place.

[phone ringing]

-Tommy, don't-- No-- -Hello, Tommy's Bar,

-how can I help you? -No, no, no, no!

Ye-- yeah. Just hang on a sec--

-Sheila, a tad upset. -Wrong num-- wrong number!

Uh, sorry, no, Frank's not here. This is Tommy's Bar, Faliraki.

[Kevin] She's gonna buy that, isn't she?

[phone beeping]

[coos]

Fuck's the other one?

Tommy, what happened to the other one?

Right. Uh, the last I saw-- Sally had him.

What, Psycho Sally?

Jesus! Uh... is your Sally in?

-Stuart. -Stuart.

That fucking nancy boy?

Try the nancy house on Nancy Street!

Oh, Brenda. You're looking lovely.

You've gotta help us. Have you seen Psycho Sally?

Not recently. But I heard he was shacked up with Little Lisa.

Who the fucking hell is Little Lisa?

[banging on door]

Are you from the council?

Do we look like we're from the fucking council?

Sally! Where the fuck's Sally? Sally!

Where is the twisted fucking weirdo?

Taken t'baby out.

-Yeah, my fuckin' baby! -[Tommy] Oh, Frank!

Nothing but fucking weirdos!

He's got womb envy. He doesn't mean any harm.

[Steve] There she is.

That's Kerry Anne.

The, uh, short one.

Joe picks her up every day after work.

They collect Miranda on the way home.

-It's like clockwork. -She's lovely.

Really lovely.

They're a real family, Fiona.

They have everything they want.

[stammers] They don't need me.

[exhales, sighs]

So, are you coming to meet her?

No.

No, I'll wait here.

-Hi, Uncle Steve! -[Steve giggles]

[Steve speaking indistinctly]

Mr Fitch, council.

-Come to judge your garden. -Oh right, yeah. Come in.

[door closes]

Uh, when do we find out if we've won?

No idea. Ring the council.

You are the council.

I just tick boxes.

[Kev] Mm.

Oh, uh, fella's here from the council,

come to judge the garden.

Do you want to ask him any questions?

Fine. Fuck you.

Oh, make yourself at home.

-Are you all right? -[pants, whispers] My tablets.

-Tablets. -What? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Wa-- wa-- wa-- wait there. You'll be all right. Veronica!

-Veronica! -[pants]

-Oh, Veronica, for fuck's sake! -What's going on?

-Him, dying. Get an ambulance -[Marty] Where's Veronica?

Not talking. Guess why?

Oh, Veronica, for God's sake!

-[Marty] Hello. Ambulance... -Right, recovery position.

On your side.

-No! Sit him up! -He's having a heart attack.

[Veronica] I can see that.

Sit him up. Keep the blood circulating.

Come on, mate, you're all right.

-Are you all right? -[pants]

Can you understand what I'm saying?

-Have we called an ambulance? -It's on its way.

[pants] Pocket. Pocket.

[Veronica] He's got tablets. Get him some water.

And bring a cold flannel.

And see if we can find any aspirin.

It was just a wank, you know, Veronica.

Functional. There was nothing perverse about it

Marty.

He thought he was impotent.

So he went to get tested but he couldn't do it

with the jazz mags. Wanking.

[whispers] Shall we talk about this later?

Probably scared in case he couldn't be a father.

Needed a helping hand.

Did it for you, Veronica.

He was looking at a picture of you the whole time.

[Mr Finch pants]

Swear to God, it's the truth.

She needed to hear it.

-Thanks. -Help me.

Right, how many of these are we taking?

One. One, one.

Little Nigel.

Little baby Nigel.

With some pervert!

Sha-- shall we call the police and see if they can find him?

Here we go.

Oh, Jesus!

-What's going on? -[indistinct chatter]

-Frank Gallagher? -More's the pity.

Picked up your babysitter.

-Oh! -[Tommy] Hello!

Pissed on a park bench. She asked us to return him.

Often leave your kids with alcoholic transvestites, Frank?

-[sighs] -Three strikes and you're out.

Understand?

Party's over.

[indistinct chatter over radio]

[chuckles] Got ya, got ya, got ya.

-[Phil] Hey. -[Tommy] Hello.

-[all laughing] -Come on, eh?

-Together again. -[Frank slurs]

-[Tommy] Sorted. Sorted. -[indistinct chatter]

[Phil] Look at them! Two peas in a pod.

I knew he'd be all right once...

[Phil] Come here...

-Frank. -[indistinct chatter]

-[Sheila crying] Frank! -Oh, mother of Christ.

[Sheila sobs]

-Surprise! [chuckles] -[Sheila] What?

Hey, no, it's all right, you know.

If you're not in the mood, I can always--

[cries, sniffles]

-Did you not get my message? -No.

-What message? -Me mum's dead.

Me mum's dead.

[cries]

-[Tommy] Hey! [chuckles] -[chuckles]

Um...

So, uh, you'll put in a good word for us

about the gardening competition.

Whole thing's a sham.

It's a free clean up. Winner'll be...

[breathes heavily] ...house most in arrears.

[Mr Finch breathing heavily]

[chuckles]

It's working.

So?

So.

It was just before our Kelly moved to Pathos.

And this arsehole she was going out with...

kept calling me dry balls...

'cause he'd had four kids to four different women...

and couldn't believe I hadn't slipped one past the goalie.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, 'cause I was embarrassed.

I just wanted to give you a kid.

I know.

But why did you have to pick our bleedin' Marty!

And how did him doing it help?

[chuckles] He's not even good-looking!

Good-looking?

He's a bloke, for fuck's sake! [chuckles]

Anyway, look. I'd hurt me hand.

I needed some help. And I was looking at you the whole time.

Oh, Kev. [chuckles]

This, Kev, us...

is the one thing in my life

that's got absolutely nothing to do with my stupid bleedin' family.

From now on...

can we keep it that way?

[clears throat]

Veronica, I really need a friend.

Come on.

It's not that he lied. I can understand

why he might have wanted to bury it.

But when I saw him holding her...

[sighs] There's fathers up and down the country

fighting through the courts 'cause they can't get access to their kids.

How can he not want to be part of her life?

He goes around like nothing can faze him,

tough, confident, answer for everything.

Now I realise that comes at a price.

There's no way around it, Fiona.

We never really know 'em.

We think we do. We think there's nothing can surprise us.

Then they get wanked off by your brother.

[both laugh]

I'm sorry for lumbering you with me mum and Marty.

I just can't live with her, Fiona.

She makes me feel like I'm seven again.

Why don't we keep 'em?

They can't come back here.

You'll end up murdering each other.

But you don't want them.

We'll cope. One condition.

They pay their way. Rent, bills. Then we know where we stand.

-Thank you! -Oh!

-[both chuckle] -[Kevin] Aw.

-Are you two okay? -Yeah.

We've behaved like right idiots, haven't we?

Normal service shall be resumed.

-Yay! -[chuckles]

[Kev] Yeah!

[cries] It's good doing this, in a way.

Takes your mind off the grief! [sobs]

-[cries] -Hey, no, come on.

Just-- Come on, love!

Come on, I mean, think about them two.

Little Nigel and little Delia.

-I mean, it's like... -[cries]

...the great cycle of life and death, innit?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-[pants, cries] -Mm?

We're your family now, aren't we?

It's time I was...

-[Sheila crying] -...getting home.

Oh.

[empty cans clanking]

-Woah, woah, woah. -It's just chicken.

[indistinct chatter]

There's a couple of plates there.

[Ian] Veg spring rolls...

Hey, Lip,

didn't you order some chicken and black bean sauce?

[Carol] Juice anybody?

-[Marty] Yeah, thanks. -[Lip] I'm all right.

[footsteps approaching]

[Steve sighs]

My whole life,

feels like all I've ever had is people letting me down.

-Fiona. Please. What I-- -Let me finish.

You say you love me...

-and you want us to be together. -I do.

All I want... is someone I can trust.

Someone I can rely on. 'Cause all the rest, Steve...

it's just words.

[glass clinking]

[clinking continues]

Is that a yes then?

I will not let you down.

[Fiona sighs]

[laughs]

[Fiona laughing]

[Fiona] That day me mum's adage came back to me.

But when I looked behind Steve's eyes...

[both moaning]

...all I saw was love.

I, Steve McBride, take thee,

-Fiona Gallagher... -[gasps] No!

...to be my lawful wedded wife.

-Congratulations, mate. -Yeah.

-Bastard! -Oh, you're not gay, are you?

-[mumbles] No. -Wow.

Stick a bonnet on that, it'd look like a microphone.

[Frank] It's a happy day,

starting a brand-new life, marrying Steve.

-[man] Steve-o! -Dead dog!

[Fiona] I'm not getting married so I can babysit you lot

-for the rest of my life. -Upstairs!

-[Ian] [groans] -You scummy git!

-Fuck's sake! -[Lip] You can tell he knows.

[Tony] I'm sick of that creep getting everything his own way!

[theme music playing]

♪ Touch me ♪

♪ Yeah, how can it be ♪

♪ Believe me, yeah ♪

♪ The sun always shines on TV ♪

♪ Hold me ♪

♪ Close to your heart ♪

[all giggle]

♪ Give all your love to me! ♪