Original subtitles

[Frank] Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

[Frank] They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run! Run for it! -[Lip] Quick, leg it!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others

'cause she's disappeared into thin air,

and Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah,

-two, nits love it. -[screams]

[Frank] Debbie, sent by God. Total angel.

You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus, Liam, gonna be a star,

once we've got the fits under control.

[screams]

[Frank] Steve, Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there. Not!

[Frank] Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of them to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life,

is they know how to throw a party! [laughing] Scatter!

[Sheila] The thing I love most about living with Frank,

life's never short of surprises.

Biggest, of course, the fact he has three testicles.

And you're never short of a giggle on a rainy day.

Next was, no matter how long Frank spent with his own family,

he never seems to know for certain how many of them there actually are.

[overlapping loud chatter]

-[Frank groans] -Frank? Frank.

You smell that?

What, me?

-Is it me? -Tuna.

No!

Tuna sandwiches.

[portentous music]

Come at a bad time, Kev?

Karen, you're freaking me out there, no-one ever knocks on the back door

unless it's trouble. Come in.

Just moved into a flat on Pinder Street.

I'm a bit stuck till I find someone to share with me.

Well, I'm sorted here, obviously.

Me mum said there might be a job going in the Jockey.

Oh, barmaid, yeah. Part-time.

Hey, but it's not for the faint-hearted.

I just wondered if you'd, um...

put a good word in for us, Kev.

This T-shirt with this neck... or a V-neck with more of a dip?

Bit of a dip, Veronica, definitely. Couple of dips.

Champion!

Thanks, Conrad.

You're an absolute angel, eh? What are you?

A little angel.

-Uh, meanwhile? -Hi, Veronica.

Just nipped around to see if Kev'd give us a few tips,

-you know the job at the Jockey? -[Veronica] I've a few for you.

Get some conditioner on that hair before you start a fire,

and if you wanna lose some weight try less make-up.

I was only asking.

Like I'm only telling. Now fuck off!

-Cheers, Kev. -All right.

-[door closes] -Why'd you have to be so nasty?

Listen. She's not your friend.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

-[boing] -Jesus!

[doorbell chimes]

-[Neville] Sheila Jackson? -Have I won?

I'm sorry?

I'll have to take the cash prize option 'cause I'm a bit phobic

about having my photograph taken.

Uh, Neville Gallagher. [chuckles] Frank's father.

I hear I have two new grandchildren.

I'm sure Frank thinks you're dead!

Frank!

Your dad's brought presents for the kids!

So he's not dead!

Down when I can!

Nigel and Delia.

Am I to guess that you're a fan of the raw ingredient, Sheila?

Proper cooking? [chuckles]

Oh, I'm absolutely fanatical about it.

Aren't I, Frank?

-Well, well. Hello, Frank. -Dad.

What about these two, then?

Oh, little Nigel and little Delia!

[chuckles] Hey!

They're like angels when they're sleeping.

What's it like when they're awake though, eh, Sheila?

Mm? Helps out, does he?

Oh, took 'em to the Jockey, for the quiz on Tuesday, didn't you?

-[baby cooing] -The pub?

No, playgroup.

Multicultural harmony and dozens of...

darkies and chinks and stuff, Dad.

-[Sheila] ls it? -[Neville] At least that's something.

Aged 23, his mother was elected councillor for Denton South.

She fought and won that campaign entirely

on childcare for single parents.

My mum's completely doolally.

-[Sheila chuckles nervously] -Oh! Life's cruel, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, she's loving it.

She thinks they've let her stop paying the bills.

-And they haven't? -No.

No, I'm taking care of all that for her, which I love,

because I'm very good with numbers.

-Yeah! [chuckles] -Oh dear, oh dear.

Two new bairns, an upset mother,

a house to look after.

You'll be needing all the support you can get, won't you?

Hey, what's for brekkie before I go to work, Sheila?

You've got a job?

No, no-- but I've to slip into Stretford to see

Stevie Sullivan about that second-in-charge

-at Sampson's Sawmill. -Is that right?

Yeah, well, you've to look where you can these days, haven't you, Dad?

-Mouths to feed. -[Frank] Absolutely.

-Eight now. -I know! [chuckles]

Actually, I'll-- I'll skip, uh, brekkie, make an early start.

It's nice-- nice to see you, Dad.

Look after yourself, eh.

[kid crying]

[Frank] Excuse me mate, have you got the time?

[man] Five past eight.

[plays harmonica]

[thuds]

Sheila, love?

Sheila?

Sheila?

How do you want your eggs, Neville?

You're not epileptic?

-Since when? -No.

-Are you epileptic? -[Sheila] Oh, God, no.

Nothing like that in our family, Dad wouldn't have stood for it.

How do you want your eggs, Neville?

No, no, no, you're going back to bed. Grab an hour.

I'll see to the kids.

-Oh, aren't you kind! -No, you're too kind,

shouldn't let people take advantage.

That's what Frank's always telling me.

ls that right?

-[Kev] What you doing here? -Got the job.

That's, uh, two pounds fifty, please.

What happened here?

[Jez] Silver lining on a very murky day.

Thanks for that, Kev.

I thought you wanted a live-in as the key holder?

[Jez] She's a looker, she's homeless, and she's no big drinker.

-Here's Frank. -A pint and a couple of Es, Kev.

Deliver us from evil

or grant us the certainty of being caked enough

to give not one iota of a fuck. Amen.

Thank you.

How can you live in if you've just moved into a flat?

Just rented it out.

Couple of young blokes over there.

-When did this happen? -Just now.

You got a job, accommodation and sublet in the time

it took me to have a slash.

Now you're making yourself sound old, Kev.

Stay awake, won't you.

Karen, we'll need a few more tonics up the other end, love.

Coming right up.

How fab is she? I can't believe it's not butter!

[Sheila] They were my life. You bastard!

-[sobs] -Just tell us exactly

where the kiddies were when you last saw 'em.

[cries] They were there. They were there.

What, and you went back to bed?

Only for an hour.

Leave the kids down here for an hour. I mean, would you?

I wouldn't, would I? I wouldn't.

Maybe I left them in the spare room.

No, we've gone right round the house, Sheila.

Oh, God, oh, God. Where are they? Where are they?

[panting]

[door opens]

-[Sheila sighs in relief] -[Stan] Who are you?

Neville Gallagher, their grandpa. We--

we've just been for a stroll down the shops.

Oh, Neville, I'm so sorry. I thought I'd dreamt you.

Oh, oh, my babies. My lovely,

darling babies. I thought I'd lost you, my darlings.

Oh, I'm so sorry. [chuckles]

Sheila, forget it. Honestly. As long as the kids are okay.

But you've all rushed round here.

Called out the dogs and stuff.

No, as long as they're safe, Sheila.

Right, we'll, uh, leave you to it then.

Yeah, wish all these kind of call outs ended up like this.

Most of them don't, believe me. Most of them can be pretty gruesome.

-Even last week we had a-- -All right, all right.

-Can I pay for your petrol? -No, don't be daft.

Would you like a vodka?

-No, we'll leave you to it. -Thank you, Gentlemen.

[Sheila] Don't let Frank know about this.

The faster she gets sectioned, the sooner we can all retire.

Did you see the size of the dildos under the bed?

I know, no wonder she can't see straight.

[music playing quietly]

Hiya.

-What are you doing here? -What can I get you?

-Kev. -Nipped out.

-Did he leave my house keys? -He did, yeah.

Well, can I have them?

If I could remember where he'd put them.

-You haven't even looked. -[Karen] No,

and I'm not going to, not the way you talk to me.

Karen, give me the keys, unless you want a twatting.

-"Keys, please, Karen." -[chuckles]

-Fuck off! -You bitch!

[both scream]

Right, you, out! You're barred!

You can't bar me. Me husband works here.

Maybe he won't if you can't behave yourself.

Sorry, Jez, won't happen again.

-Cross my heart and hope to die. -[camera shutter snaps]

Three weeks suspension or twenty-one quid cash.

And no milk tokens.

["One Love" by the Stone Roses playing on jukebox]

♪ ...And sink to the depths of your soul ♪

♪ One love We don't need another love ♪

♪ One love One heart and one soul ♪

Whoo!

♪ We can have it all ♪

Well, of course, baby!

♪ Easy peasy ♪

You.

Home.

Now.

Carl, you're tidying the room when we get in as well.

-Yeah. -[all laugh]

[knocking on door]

[knocking on door]

-Ta-da. -Grandad!

[all cheering]

-[laughs] -[laughs] Hello, lads!

-Oh, cheeky chops. -[all laugh]

[Neville] Oh, no, you're never too big for that.

[all laugh]

-[Lip] You look fantastic! -Come here, you.

-[Ian] You all right, Grandad? -Yeah, not bad for a dead man, eh?

[Ian] What?

Little joke of your dad's apparently.

Not much, but it's been thought through.

Spending the winter in Benidorm is the only time to see it like it really is.

When you're not treated like a tourist.

-[Lip] Oh, thanks. -[Neville] Here you go. Now...

all of these-- all of these...

were actually made by good, honest artisanese, yeah.

Locals, working with their hands.

-Artisan? -What you up to here then?

Steve and Fiona's house.

We normally have to ask permission to go round there

-but you're allowed, definitely. -[Lip] Yeah.

They've knocked through to next door.

Oh!

-Here we go, Grandad. -[Neville] Good lad.

-Here you go, Gran-- -[Neville] Oh, now you're spoiling me.

[chuckles]

Grandad,

-brown sauce. -Ah, mug of tea,

pint of lager and a bacon sarnie.

-I could still be in Spain. -[chuckles]

[Debbie] Quick, Fiona!

Ah!

-What? -Hiya.

Fuck have I told you lot about coming round

-this side 'til it's finished? -[Neville] Language, language.

[Fiona exclaims, laughs]

-When did you get back? -Yesterday.

[both moan]

-Granddad, this is Steve. -Hi, I've--

-I've heard a lot about you. -You're a very lucky lad.

Yeah, that's what it feels like most days.

I'm serious.

If he stays there much longer, he's gonna drive

that Sheila round the bleeding bend.

Yeah, but we don't want him back.

All I'm saying is what you need to do

is to make sure she gets some kind of respite.

I mean, she's not a well woman.

-She's happy enough. -Yeah, I know,

but as a favour to me you'd make an effort, wouldn't you?

Fair do's Neville, myself and Fiona have got enough

around here to worry about

without having to think about Frank and Sheila, all right?

No offence, son...

this is a family conversation.

Fine. [chuckles] Like what?

Sheila needs a babysitter for tonight.

I'll do it.

Older than you.

I suppose I could do a few hours.

[Neville] Older than you.

Okay.

You stay in. Me and Steve will go and sit.

Cool, how long is Sheila gonna be?

Well, depends...

depends where our Frank takes us for a meal.

[Kev] You can't barge in there nutting people.

-Well, not women anyway. -I can.

And I'll do it again if she talks to me like that,

-the spoon-faced bitch. -Veronica,

I'm as surprised as you are, but I didn't get her the job.

You lying fuck! I watch you sniffing round her.

If I catch you within an inch of that

two faced, pan faced, magpie, I'll cut your lumpy little dick off.

-I didn't get her the job. -Yeah, well, I'm barred now!

Well, not if you pay the fine.

Like fuck I'm paying a fine! That's my local!

She's on my patch. Get rid of her.

Veronica, be reasonable.

I want that twisted little bitch's head on a big fucking stick!

[Sheila] Frank. Frank!

My God, what's happened to you?

Gas board van reversed into us.

Oh, not again.

[breathes deeply] I'm doing fishcakes...

and I've forgotten, do you like them with or without the fish?

We're going out for a meal.

What do you mean?

We're going out for a meal.

[whimpers] I can't--

I can't eat in front of other people, Frank.

It's not my idea, and it's not other people.

It's just me...

just me and me dad.

[Sheila exhales deeply]

I could wear that dress I bought online

for the millennium.

[sighs]

[distorted voice] Your mother was one of the finest trade unionists

that ever lived.

She wiped the floor with Vic Feather and he thought he was somebody.

She worshipped you

and made the most pathetic excuses for you.

I didn't realise you weren't autistic,

until you called me a cunt

in suspiciously fitting circumstances.

[Veronica] Oi. Down here when you're ready.

Here.

Fuck's sake,

she'll bar you permanently if she sees you.

So she won't.

-Yes, ladies? -Oh, we're sorted, thanks love.

-[Karen] All right. -Spoon-faced slapper!

What did he just say?

He said it's his birthday and he's never felt happier.

Gallagher. For three.

Excuse me.

I mentioned on the phone that we'd eat absolutely anything,

but ideally, I'd like a prune and vodka sorbet

with a custard on a side plate for pudding.

If you do one at all. Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

[Veronica] She's getting all Kev's tips.

Give over. It's only coppers.

Yeah, twenty-five quid a week in coppers

and she's only been here a fucking day.

[Carol] Keep your voice down or you won't last long enough

to finish your drink.

[Karen] Shit!

Oh, merci.

Merci, merci. Excuse me.

[indistinct chatter]

[Sheila sighs]

[clattering]

[Sheila exclaims] Oh!

Very good lamb, isn't it, Neville?

Cooked by a man who knows the landscape, Sheila.

[chuckles]

Rosemary, mint, oh, and...

[Sheila] Um...

port, I think.

-Correct. -[Sheila] Ah, thank you.

When I bought this dress,

I never imagined it would see the light of day.

Fortnight back it was nearly cushions.

-[sighs] So I'm thrilled! -Yeah, whatever,

I just don't see the point of paying for food.

[Neville] It's not for you. It's a gift for the lady wife

for all the hard work she puts in.

Point is, you are paying for it.

-Mine or yours? -All three.

To celebrate the fact you start work next week.

-As what? -We'll have to wait and see,

won't we?

[sirens blaring]

♪ How much is that slapper in the bike shed ♪

♪ The one with the arse like a whale ♪

♪ They reckon she sucks and she swallows ♪

-♪ And her name is Abigail ♪ -Dick head!

[Frank] How's it hanging Abi, eh? Chubby chops.

Chubby salty chops--

[man screams]

[man groans]

[man] Who let you off your fucking lead? You...

[indistinct clamouring]

-All right, Jed. -All right, Frank.

So, how many hours?

Uh, four just the first day, break us in.

-All right. -How many houses?

[Frank] Ten, fifteen. Big houses, Sandown Cross.

Totally knackering.

Feel me arm, it's got new muscles.

[Sheila chuckles]

You're completely different, Frank.

Well, it's been an eye opener.

-Gaffer reckons I'm a natural. -See.

How much better do you feel for an honest day?

[Frank] Yeah, yeah, you're right, Dad.

I got blood going everywhere. Fingers, toes.

I could seriously get to like it.

[Neville] What did I tell you, hmm?

Wake the dead. I said I was determined.

So, how can you do a round if you haven't got a van?

Gaffer picks us all up in the morning and then drops us

at various sites up and down and then, um...

you know, we, uh, we all meet for a fry up at midday.

Hey, great lads, cracking banter.

I think they can't believe their luck 'cause, you know,

I get on with all of them, straight off.

Band of brothers. [chuckles]

Well, why doesn't he just keep the ladders and stuff in the van?

Kid, will you just-- just fuck off and leave us alone.

Just-- you know, I just can't fucking,

um, think here now.

-He's exhausted. -Uh-- yeah.

[Sheila] Let's get you home and fed.

Well, look after yourself, Dad, and don't leave it

so long next time, otherwise none of us'll recognise you.

-[chuckles] -[Neville chuckles] No,

looks as if I'll be in your hair for a while longer.

I've offered Neville our Karen's room

while his flat's being painted.

And very kind you are too.

And, um, he's bringing round all his photo albums

to show the twins.

I'm bidding for a photocopier on eBay...

which closes in half an hour so I'd better get a move on.

How-- how long for?

Only a week or so, from Tuesday.

Except you know what the council's like.

Think of a number and double it.

Fine. I'm just...

[sobs]

[sobbing]

-[knocking] -[Frank sobs, sniffles]

[wails]

You're gonna need a bit of help with this one, aren't you?

[sobs]

[snorts]

[indistinct chatter]

There's a barrel that wants changing, Kev.

Don't spend too long talking to the lads.

Which lads?

Any lads.

-Yes, love? -[man] Pint of bitter, please.

[Marty] Veronica, you look ridic--

-Dirty old bastard! -Shh, don't use her name.

Sorry. She's here!

Hey, I've just realised who you remind me of.

Remember that bloke on the way to school with the rucksack.

When we got level, he used to get his knob out.

[Veronica laughs]

Right, Veronica, last warning. Let's have you.

[camera shutter snaps]

[Jez] Fuckin' barred!

[Fiona] Just a bit of a temperature

and she says she's feeling a bit queasy.

Aw. Ooh, God, you're burning up.

Shops aren't open yet. Have you got any aspirin?

No, I don't think so, but as luck would have it,

I made a martini sorbet yesterday.

[Neville] Oh, I'm sorry,

I think I might have polished that off last night. [chuckles]

[man on TV] ...Fighting going on down here today.

[man on TV speaking indistinctly]

[slurps]

Aw, she's not well.

Can I walk to work with you, Dad?

[Frank] No!

What?

Oh, yeah. What? Yeah, all right, yeah.

Wave me off, yeah, okay.

He's still there.

He's watching us.

Just trust me.

If he finds out, he'll fucking have us.

Well, stop looking so obvious and he never will.

Talk to him. Talk to him.

[Frank] Hello, mate.

[talks gibberish]

Ey? Oh, aye, aye, aye.

[laughs loudly]

There now go. Go, quick.

Hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

People are complaining about your ladders out the back.

Tell them they can have them.

When's the meat and potato pie ready?

Can you afford it?

Our Debbie's subbed us.

How long do you think you can camp out here without getting arthritis?

Six nights and seven more days. I can't get shot of him.

Well, wouldn't it be easier right,

to actually get a job until your dad's gone?

I'll bring the pie over when it's ready.

With the right change.

[electrical buzzing]

-What time is it? -[Sheila] Half past seven.

But look at this...

a picture of your mother when she first worked

as a clippie on the buses.

[sighs]

That could be you in a skirt.

How much do you look like her?

[Neville] Wakey, wakey working man.

-Oh. -[Neville] Get the bread home

as soon as you can.

[toilet flushing]

Fuel for the worker! Workers.

Because all mothers are workers and that's a fact.

[chuckles] Formally acknowledged in the TUC Women's Charter of 1983...

-et cetera. -[chuckles]

Anyway. Thank you for the tea.

[door closes]

Oh, my God!

Are you sure you don't want me in there with you?

Oh, give over, you'd only be in the way.

Put your feet up, take your tablets.

I think I'd better. [whimpers]

Come on, come on.

I've got a test today. I'd better be off to school.

Fuck's sake, don't let him see you.

Have you got that tenner I borrowed you?

Hey, have I fuck. I'll pay you Friday.

[door opens]

They're still being breastfed, aren't they?

I know!

But they can look, can't they?

Uh, I'll get that washing up done before I shoot off to work.

See you. See you, Dad!

[footsteps approaching]

Nothing better to do. I thought I'd give you

and the, uh, lads a hand.

No! Yeah, yeah. No-- um, no.

They just want me down this side today.

That's just kind of uh,

uh, kind of a promo-- promotion...

for me. Bit nearer home, Dad, you know.

-So soon? [chuckles] -Yeah, yeah.

-Congratulations. -Thanks, yeah.

Right! Let's get tucked in then.

Fuck are you up to?

Well, I'm doing your windows, Lillian, love.

Here, here, just help us out.

Right, let's just-- let it ride.

[Lillian] Bugger off, I know your game.

We lost two tellies and a PlayStation last month,

and I can't get insurance anymore.

-I'm gonna phone the police. -Lillian, love, don't-- Oh!

[clattering]

[mouths] I've phoned 'em.

Hey, hey, hey, fuck's sake.

My stomach's doing somersaults here.

You filthy, scummy, bone idle little shite.

[clattering]

Hey, come on, now cut-- cut it-- cut it out, Dad.

Fucking-- you'll break me neck here.

Two minutes after you were born, they let me cut the cord.

One of the proudest moments of my life.

If I'd know what a fucking heretic you'd be,

I'd have let you bleed to death right there.

-[clattering] -Dad!

And when your mother died,

she made me promise that I'd take care of you,

-so I will. -[clattering]

[Frank] Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!

You killed her.

She's up there now...

cursing her own fucking womb

with good men and women all standing beside her and going...

[clattering]

[gasps]

[chuckles]

[Neville groaning]

[continues groaning]

[groans]

[Frank mumbles]

[phone beeps]

You're still pay-as-you-go!

Meaning...

no pay, no go.

You're out of credit.

[laughing]

You...

you vicious, mean...

up your own arse old man.

And them's not my words.

No, that-- that's what me mam used to call you.

Yeah! [chuckles] Yeah!

Yeah, other things that used to make us both smile

were sanctimonious old goat and devious old cunt.

'Cause she knew... she was better than you!

So did everybody in the TUC.

Three years younger and she was flying way beyond you...

which is the only reason you got...

that you got her pregnant!

And that's the only reason you smiled when I was born.

[crying] 'Cause you, 'cause you--

you knew you'd slowed her down.

[laughs]

You know my only promise to my mam before she died...

eh?

Eh? I'd have you cremated...

'cause she knew how much you wanted to be buried

for us all to blub over, then I'd bury your ashes

round the toilet block of the Conservative Club.

Eh?

Which I promised.

So. I. Fucking. Will!

[both laughing]

-Oi! -Oi! In your corner, Mitzi.

[Veronica] Get your hands off my lager...

and get the fuck out of my house.

Karen brought the lagers for you. Along with the rest.

The only reason I got the job at the Jockey

is 'cause Jez thinks I'm gay.

I'm not interested in a bloke with that much hair.

And every time you say she is, you're threatening

to get her sacked and she's done fuck all wrong.

Except for defending myself when you start having a go,

which I'll be the first to apologise for, Veronica.

I'll get your suspension lifted,

plus I'll knock a few bob off your bar bill when I can.

And all my tips are gonna be shared with Kev

absolutely fifty/fifty.

[Veronica sighs]

Yeah, I'm sorry and all.

Jockey tonight in my own clothes.

See, this is what she's like after we've had a barny.

Calls me a useless spack of a husband

with a lumpy little dick and thinks sorry's enough.

Don't know what you're on about.

Well, it's Jez that needs convincing.

So, you're far from out the fucking woods yet, gobby bear.

On all fours!

Jez,

can I nip to the loo while it's quiet?

Course you can, sweetheart.

What can I get you?

Jez,

do you mind if I nip for a slash while it's quiet?

Not one of your long ones.

I'll be back in a sec.

If you help yourself, I'll cut your hands off.

It's a waste if you ask me!

It's not my fault, she-- she dived on me.

You filthy, two timing cow!

Don't tell Kev, Jez.

-God, please. -Back to work, you.

I might have known.

The fucking hypocrites I've had to put up with

-and it's always women. -I'll drink down the Butterfly.

You-- you can bar me forever. Just don't tell Kev.

So, what do you think then?

Dunno.

She's a foxy little tinker in't she, our Karen?

Well, yeah.

It's never happened to me before.

-She makes me fanny go all wavy. -[Jez] Touch her again,

you'll have me to answer to.

Might not be a bad thing.

Tidy yourself up and I'll, uh, I'll pay you a drink on.

I've got the biggest hard on you've ever seen.

[Veronica laughing]

-Get in here, you dirty bitch. -[Veronica laughing]

I pumped his chest and then I blew in his thingy,

till the ambulance arrived.

And then I said, can I go with him? [sniffles]

And they said, "no, no point, mate."

Steve, get over here now, I need a lift to the hospital.

Where did they take him?

How the fuck do I know, they just drove off...

[sighs] I'll tell you when you get here.

It's an ambulance.

I know it was a fucking ambulance, Carl.

I wanna know where it took him.

No, here. There's an ambulance here.

What for now?

Guess who's not dead? Again. [exhales]

Hiatus hernia.

They slugged me full of antacids

and it faded like a bad dream. [chuckles]

In and out of casualty in less than seven hours.

That's pretty good for a free service. [chuckles]

[Ian] You look good to me.

[Sheila] You look wonderful, Neville.

We thought you'd died. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

Imagine how you'd feel if you thought your dad was dead

and it turned out he wasn't.

I wouldn't, uh-- I know, Sheila. Shocking.

Medical staff said you were to be commended

on all your first aid.

-Yeah. -[Neville] Very much so.

Witnesses testified.

That so?

So?

You take back every single word.

[laughs] Get fucked.

[Neville] She totally worshipped me.

She used to piss in your bait box.

Don't overdo it, Dad.

We don't want a repeat now, do we?

Aye, he wants to go back to his own flat.

Bit excited about the paint job.

[Sheila] Being an only child, I was very touched

by the warmth of the big family. I loved it.

Eric, your new temporary foster parents.

Veronica and Kelvin Ball.

From now on, we've just got to try really hard not to kill him.

-[Veronica] Eric? -Don't pump her!

You'll flood the fucking engine!

[Tony] Green Cherokee, Easton Street car park.

You've been caught on CCTV, Steve.

-Whose is it? -Chief Inspector's.

[Frank] Do you remember school?

The fucking cannibal.

[Veronica] You can't just snatch a kid

and expect to get away with it, you daft sod!

-They were turning him over! -Fucking shit!

It's not funny, Steve. He's freaking me out.

I keep dreaming about the house being on fire.

Hit me!

Yay!

[theme music playing]

Whatever Frank and Sheila are having and a quick Scotch for me.

[indistinct chatter]

This is on me, son.

[Sheila sighs]

[Frank] Tell you what, Dad.

-Stick it right up your arse. -No, Frank.

I did that before I came in here.

Cheers.

Drinks are on Frank.