Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, you know, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher,

and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

You know, they can all think for themselves,

-which they've me to thank for. -[boy] Run for it!

Fiona, who's a big help, massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

-[barks] -Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie, total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam! Little rock 'n' roller! Gonna be a star.

-Once we've got the fits under control. -[screams]

Steve, posh lad, different planet. The truth is out there... not!

Kev and Veronica. Fantastic neighbours.

You know, lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life is,

they know how to throw a party!

-[siren wailing] -Scatter!

[Steve] The more time I spent with this family,

the more I sussed that the linchpins were actually the females.

Fiona, the breadwinner, surrogate mother,

then Debbie, a born leader in a tribe of males.

Good morning, Crumble.

Everything she did seemed to be for the benefit of that family.

She had tons of stamina, compassion, and understanding.

But she also had a slightly twisted view of generosity.

She was only ever really happy when she pleased other people.

One Saturday changed all that.

She emerged from her chrysalis a fully formed butterfly.

It was a day none of us could ever forget...

-Yeah, you are. -...however hard we tried.

Wow! You're a gorgeous girl, aren't you? Mm.

-[indistinct chatter] -[breathes deeply]

-[groans] -[car horn honking]

[indistinct chatter]

For God's sake.

Oh, sorry! I thought you were out.

I stayed 'round Nana's but the water's off.

-Hey, Frank. -[Frank] Yeah?

Chuck us that towel.

I don't think so.

I'll make do with a hand towel.

[groans]

-[Karen] Don't throw it. -[water splashing]

All right, love. There you go.

See ya.

[Sheila] Those cats have been at our bin again.

[indistinct background chatter]

Sheila, do you want owt from the chemist?

Ooh!

Only if you're passing.

But if he tries palming you off with Seroxin,

saying it's the same as Praxil, well, it's not.

And this one says 300 milligrams,

so I want 300 milligrams. Not a shed-load of 150s.

-[car horn honks] -[gasps]

Look at that!

-Need a lift? -Half an hour ago, yeah.

-Where is that from? -[chuckles]

-One careful owner, my dentist. -Your own dentist?

Yeah, well, he robs me, I rob him.

I saw you driving down Princess Road in this this morning. I waved.

[Steve] Yeah, well, uh, sorry, mate, didn't see you.

It was red then.

[indistinct chatter]

Hello.

[thudding]

Can you hear that?

It's one of the kids.

-[thudding] -Can't be.

You watched me unlock the door. Lip's got the only other set.

[thudding]

-[Lip] Not a chance! -[Steve whispers] Hey!

If they're burgling us, it's got to be a nutter.

[Steve whispers] Shut the fuck up!

-[staircase creaks] -[door opening]

[Steve sighs, laughs]

-[sighs] -[Steve laughs]

[Lip] The state of him!

If you had any mates, Steve, we'd put it round, gutless wimp.

[Steve] Yeah, said the gobbets at the back!

Better at the back with biceps than up front with skid marks!

[chuckles]

[Ian] You okay, Debs?

You're not, are you?

I went past Katy Mason's party.

[Fiona] Who's Katy Mason?

Just outside, walking past.

And her dad, he... [exhales sharply]

-[Fiona] Her dad did what? -[whispers] Nothing.

Debbie...

just take your time, all right?

He was just laughing with them, and playing with them.

I couldn't see their faces.

It's not fair!

-Hey, hey! What wasn't fair? -[Debbie] Everything.

-So, I nicked something. -You--

-[chuckles] -[Ian and Steve chuckling]

-[Steve laughing] -From the party?

Jesus, Debbie! Me heart nearly stopped then!

[Lip] Give it a rest, Debs, we've all done it.

You, right, well done for owning up, but don't try it again.

Definitely not if confessions are your strong point.

-[Steve laughing] -[Fiona laughing]

-You cheeky monkey! -[child's voice outside] Debbie.

Debbie.

-[Liam] Who's that, Debbie? -[child] Debbie.

[Debbie chuckling]

[crow cawing]

[indistinct chatter]

[exhales]

[police sirens wailing]

Oh, here we go!

Send in the clowns! What have we done?

Hey, what's anybody done?

[clamouring]

Hey, don't pick on people round here.

Tony Blair! You want a set to, go and nail that twat!

Who's the parents? Come on, we need to move back!

-Who are the parents? -[man] Here they are.

[Tony] Okay.

Now, listen to me. No, listen to me.

The faster we get information... What are you called?

Come on, what are your names?

-Jackie and Stewart. -All right, Jackie, Stewart,

believe me. Faster we get information,

the faster we know what to do.

Now there's a team on the way and we need precise details.

-When did you last see Jody? -[Stewart] Half twelve, in the garden.

-[Tony] Age? -[Jackie] Three next week.

[man] Came as an angel, really good angel.

[man 2] No, little Jody's swapped clothes, little Abbie's an angel...

[door closes]

[pants]

[Sheila] Hello.

[shopping clatters]

Kiddie, up the street, snatched!

[clicks fingers] Thin air!

Oh, God help us.

[Veronica giggling]

-I'll show you who's best man. -[giggles]

-Hey, Lip, is it true? -[Lip] What?

Unlucky in white, if you're lying.

-[Veronica laughing] -[Lip] What?

[Veronica] "My big day." Bollocks.

She only married him 'cause he paid off his mortgage

on t' disability. [giggles]

-[gasps, screams] -[thudding]

-[Fiona] What's your name? -Jody.

[Fiona whisper] Jody. Aw.

[Debbie] She was outside the gate.

-No one was watching. -Debbie, did she walk up to you

-and you just spotted her? -And you are happy

that we found you

when you were looking for your mum on the street?

And you'd no idea where she belongs,

-so you brought her here. -So that we could help you.

No, she had a party badge on.

So why'd you take her?

She was crying for her mum. Where was her mum? Nobody cared!

They will now! Fuck's sake, this is all we need.

Are you right in the bloody head?

-Hey. -[grunts]

Fiona, calm down, all right? Kids get lost all the time.

We just-- We'll take her back, we'll take her back and say...

[Fiona] We're going to take you home, aren't we, Jody?

Yeah.

-[Andrea] Hey. What's going on? -It's okay, Andrea.

Me and Ian, we're just having a laugh.

Aren't prostitutes shy?

[Andrea] You still doing insurance claims, Lip?

-[Lip] What are you after? -[Andrea] I'm thinking

high winds, March the 18th. Aerial goes through the roof.

Lip, for Christ's sake!

...letting in water two floors down.

That's, uh, two ceilings, three carpets,

-and a Nicam telly. -[tires screech]

[Lip] Do you know how much your aerial weighs?

-[Andrea] No. -You'll have to say the chimney went.

Chimney, then. How much do you charge?

[Lip] Right, ten for the forms filling in,

twenty when the claim's paid, plus labour for pretend rubble,

'cause you don't actually have a chimney.

[police officer over megaphone] Ladies and gentlemen,

please, can I have your attention?

Now, I know emotions are running high.

I appreciate you really want to help, but you cannot help in this situation.

[Frank] How many times does this have to happen

before anybody listens?

Eh? Eh, count the troops! Count the troops!

If we lived in Chorlton they'd be all over this place like fucking crabs.

A kiddie missing, one van, one car!

Six monkeys! You know, it makes you sick!

[coughs] Not, you know, not pigs themselves,

you know, thingies-- Policies! The Home Office.

Probably Tony Blair! Again!

-Highest rated... -Look at everybody.

We haven't got a clue about any of this this, all right?

We just-- we found her-- found her walking, all right?

I feel sick.

Look, you get her out, I'll do the talking.

Oh, Fiona, Steve. Kiddie, this size.

Jody. Little Jody.

You haven't passed anybody with a kiddie this size?

[Steve] No, somebody wandered off, Frank?

-[sighs] -No!

Frank spotted a junkie looking over the fence at the party.

About ten seconds before little Jody disappears into thin air!

Junkie with dreads. You know, ugly bastard, scummy.

What the fuck are we doing standing here? Get him!

Go on, get after him! Jody!

Where do Jody's parents live, Sheila?

Brennan Street. But I think they're still up there with the police.

[Frank] The kid was gonna be three next week. He's not even three, Steve.

Look we'll get on the street and...

-He? -[Frank] I know,

it's bad enough if it's a girl, innit? But...

your only son! I mean, can you imagine?

[Steve] All right, look, we'll hit the road

and see what we can see, all right?

-[Frank] All right, good lad. -It's a boy! Great! Get him down!

God be with you.

[car engine starts]

[Veronica] I know she's not a virgin,

'cause I were there when she lost it.

Bouncer. Sean Creed.

Plus...

I were knobbing her every Friday down t'school baths.

You were?

God, yeah.

Towel room.

We had to do it in the pump house.

Took me years to work out why the smell of bleach followed me round.

Are we going up for a kip?

Can't budge.

[dog barking]

Do you like me hair this colour?

Suits you.

Me, neither. [groans]

[cheering on TV]

Oh, well played.

-What's the score, Kash? -Eh? 2-1.

I think.

[Pete] Give us an ounce of baccy and a packet of Rizlas as well, mate.

-So, how's the baby, then, Pete? -[Pete] Oh, God! Me and Claire

have had about ten hours' kip between us in a fortnight.

I tell ya, I'm this close to losing me job, man.

[cash register machine beeping]

How was it between you and Yvonne?

You know, sex and that?

-Pretty ordinary. -No, after the first.

Oh, right, yeah, uh... about a fortnight.

Fuck all in two months, me. She won't let me near her.

I'm pulling myself stupid.

Yeah, I can imagine.

You can see why I'm skint as well, can't you?

And if that cat walks past me one more time

with its tail in the air, it's getting one right up the ring,

'cause I am ten wanks beyond fussy.

-Cheers, mate. -[coins jingle]

-Hey, good luck! -Yeah, I'm gonna need it.

[door beeping and opening]

-[man 1] There he is! -[man 2] Where's the kid?

-[men shouting] -[Pete grunts]

-The kid! -We had to take it home.

[men shouting angrily] Get him! Get him.

[Kash] Oi! Get off him! Animals!

[man] Come on, let's search his flat.

[man 2] Let's go! Come on, let's go!

-[all chattering] -[Pete groaning]

-What's all that about? -Fuck knows.

-[doorbell ringing] -[Veronica] Kev! Door!

[knocking on door]

-[doorbell ringing] -Kev!

Veronica, I'm desperate.

Fifteen minutes, I promise, okay?

[Veronica] Yeah, all right.

No biscuits, Liam, but if you help me rinse this lot off,

we can nip to the shop later. Come on!

-[door slamming shut] -[Fiona] Where is she?

-Debbie! [footsteps thud on stairs]

-Debbie. -[toilet flushing]

Debbie, get out here!

Where's his clothes?

-They were covered in chocolate. -[groans]

[sighs]

She stuck it on a boil wash.

[Veronica] Can you pass us a towel, love?

[sighs]

Right. What time is it?

Kev's back at work at six.

Should we get some grub started--

[Jody] Why?

Who the fuck are you?

-Kev, don't! -Hmm?

Age three to five.

You having a laugh? That looks massive.

Hiya, bud. Wow, aren't you a lucky lad?

-Is that for your birthday? -No.

-When is your birthday? -I'm nearly four.

Yeah, come on, get in. Happy birthday, mate.

We are now looking for a three-year-old lost boy,

with strawberry-blond hair.

-Got the wig off Suzy. -Who's Suzy?

Dressing Suzy. My hairdressing kit.

[Tony] Wearing blue leggings, red trunks, trainers,

and a Captain Curtis T-shirt.

-And the dress? -World Children shop.

-Answering to the name of... -Jody!

Was Jody inside or outside the gates when you grabbed her?

-I didn't "grab" her. -And it's not "her"!

I know. Inside.

Please contact us immediately. We need your help.

We are now looking for a lost...

-[Ian] How did you get him out? -I waved some chocolate buttons.

[Ian] Who saw you?

-Nobody! We just ran. -[Ian] Like that's not obvious,

Legging it down the street

-with a baby? -In a pram.

-What pram? -Liam's old one.

-I chucked it out. -I fixed it.

For emergencies.

[Ian] What kind of emergencies, Debbie?

[Debbie] I don't know.

What did you stick him in a dress for?

I wanted a girl, but none of the girls wanted the chocolate.

[knocking on door]

Fiona! Fiona!

Who the hell's this?

We're not bloody child minders, you know!

It's still damp, and it still looks brand new to me.

[Kev] I'm not saying your Debbie screwy. What did I say to you last week?

Put all our forks in the knife drawer and the big spoons where the little spoons go.

Deliberately, I watched her. She's off her fucking cake sometimes.

[Veronica] Well, who's screwy for letting her?

-Debbie must've planned this. -[Steve] Hey.

-[Veronica] And thanks, friend! -[Fiona] Me?

Yeah, I've had that kid in our house.

-I'm involved now! -[Fiona sighs]

[Steve] Look, Debbie's a kid herself, with a problem.

The worst that can happen is she gets some help.

[scoffs]

-What kind of help? -She nabbed a kid,

all right? If we just leave it,

-it's gonna get much worse. -As in grass her up?

Lip, you said yourself, it was premeditated, yeah?

Whoa, posh lad! [scoffs]

I don't know what help means where you come from,

but if they know it were Debbie, they'll shred her.

Screwy or not, they don't take prisoners round here.

Hey, she's not screwy,

and she didn't steal him. She borrowed him accidentally.

Not if she used fucking chocolate to get him in a pram, Veronica.

[Lip] Chucky's Bride.

[police on megaphone] We are looking for a lost

-three-year-old boy... -They'll torch our house!

...with strawberry-blonde hair

-wearing blue leggings... -No!

...red trunks, trainers, and a Captain Curtis T-shirt.

[Fiona] If social services find out Dad's moved in with Sheila,

they'll have a field day splitting this lot up.

[Fiona] You know what happened last time!

[ominous music]

[Lip] No!

Next suggestion on a much bigger fucking postcard, if you will please, Steve.

Jody!

[helicopter passing]

[police officer on megaphone] ...child, do not approach.

I repeat, do not approach...

-[door slamming shut] -I can't eat, Sheila.

Well, you should try, sweetheart.

Eh?

Now, if that kid was one of mine,

I'd want that guy's bollocks in a bag.

No two ways!

So you think we're too lenient with sex offenders, then, Frank?

Hey, well, say what you like about Saddam,

he'd have had that twisted bastard melted down.

Tell Tony Blair. That's how you'll get my vote, you know,

pasty-faced git! Write that down!

Hey! She does Cherie Blair. Do Cherie Blair for us. Do it for us, go on.

[screeches] I'm just a normal wife and mother.

No, she does it better than that, usually.

[reporter] Frank, you're a father of six.

[Frank] Yeah, well, you'd die for your kids, you know...

They so much as get a temperature, you're there!

You know, it's eight o'clock. Take me! No, give it to me!

So you drum it in to your children to avoid strangers?

[Frank] I'm sick of saying it.

"Spot a nonce, deck him first, go for the eyes, cripple the fuck.

Then find an adult."

-Will they listen? -[reporter] Yeah.

I'll try and nip back later, Frank.

Yeah, hey, Gallagher! [muffled] With a 'G'!

[door opens]

-What's all that about? -[Sheila] Karen, you missed it all.

It's awful. Abduction.

Little Jody.

[sighs]

Jody!

[imitates Gollum] They've come to take our precious.

[imitates Smeagol] No, the precious is ours

for all eternity.

It's a girly precious, not a boysy precious.

[imitates Gollum] How can that be if he's got a penis? Oh, no.

-[Fiona] Pack it in, you. -[Steve] Lip needs you, Carl.

[laughs like Gollum]

[Debbie] I only wanted to cheer him up.

[Steve] Well, who wouldn't?

-He needed looking after. -[Fiona] Yeah, we know that.

But if it's a bloke or a boy or an adult taking Jody home,

people might think something bad.

-Not if you took him. -We can't,

'cause we've already been round there saying we know nothing.

We'd sound like we were telling lies!

-You were. -Yeah, for you!

Look, it's just it's been three hours since--

-Three and a half! -That's a long time, Debbie.

I mean, an adult would have phoned somebody by now.

Well, what would I have to say?

Get on your bike, junction of Beaker Street

and David's Lane, the phone box on the corner.

[Carl] Yeah.

Ring the police and say this. Exactly this.

Twenty past four. Exactly 20 past four.

-Why should I? -[Lip] Do you want to go

into a children's home till you're 18, Carl?

Well the one on Crofton's got a full-size trampoline.

[Lip] Just do it!

-I don't own a bike. -So go and nick one.

Shit!

[dial tone]

[phone line ringing]

[operator] Emergency services.

[Debbie] I was walking up Beaker Street...

[Fiona] Coming from the...

...swimming baths, when I saw Jody.

-You didn't know his name then. -A little boy.

-On his own. -On his own, and crying.

-I asked her where her mum was. -Not her.

Oh, I asked him where his mum was, and he didn't know.

Good girl, that's great, Debs.

I looked round. I couldn't see any adults.

He was upset.

So, I gave him some chocolate, which he liked.

Good!

[Steve] Then you turned left out of David's Lane, heading for the park.

[Carl] Just going past Beaker Street, into David's Lane.

[operator] When was this?

"Ten minutes, back when I saw him."

"Ten minutes back. When I saw him, I thought,

'Hey, isn't that the kid everybody's looking for?'

[operator] Definitely Captain Curtis?

I didn't say Captain Curtis, I said red cloak, cape.

-[operator] Sorry, go on. -He was with a girl.

[operator] Can you describe the girl, Henry?

[Steve] Then you went to the phone box at Briston Grove.

[Debbie] I went to the phone box on Briston Grove.

I thought, "I'd best phone the police." Or somebody.

-But that one was vandalised. -[grunts]

No, wait a sec. [clears throat]

There's a phone box on the corner of Beaker Street

and David's Lane. Why didn't you use that one, Debbie?

'Cause there was someone using it.

-An adult? -Yeah.

But you didn't tell the adult that you found a child?

[Debbie] The adult was using the phone box as a toilet,

so, I didn't trust him.

-So we ran. -[Fiona] Good.

So, I decided to walk towards home and tell youse.

-So, we crossed Benson Road... -At the crossing.

Crossed Benson Road at the pelican,

and Jody caught his cloak on

-a bit of fencing... -Go, go, go!

...and it ripped.

Hey, wow!

-What do you look like now? -A girl!

-No, you don't. -A lipstick.

Not lipstick. Where's your socks?

-[giggles] -Socks!

[Steve] Fiona's gonna switch the kids. If anybody asks,

she's been shopping, all right?

All right, we're getting off, but I'll see you round Sheila's

in about half an hour, all right?

[sighs]

Uh, Lip, can you stick the kids in the car, please?

-Come on, you two, quick! -[Debbie] I'm coming.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey. What's-- What's going on?

What will they do to her if they find her?

Look, don't even think about this, all right?

She's fine. She's doing great.

But she can't tell lies. She never could.

-She's not even sorry! -[Steve] Yeah, I know.

Look, if this all goes pear-shaped

and the authorities get involved, do you want me to say I'm living here?

Why?

[Steve] To minimise the risk of the kids getting split up

if they know that there's two wages coming in.

-Yeah. Yeah. -All right? Come here.

-Good luck. All right? -[sighs]

-Bravo Echo, come in. -[operator] Receiving, over.

Unconfirmed sighting at the junction of Beaker Street and David's Lane.

Captain Curtis, question mark, could be little Jody.

Being accompanied by a young girl, question mark.

Young girl with bag or handbag, question mark.

Could be girl or small elderly female.

-Proceed to target immediately. -[operator] On our way. Over.

-[indistinct chatter] -[phones ringing]

Now.

Come on. Now.

Come on, Liam, go with Debbie.

Here you are, look, choc-- chocolate, choc-choc.

Come on. Go with Debbie. Good boy, pal.

-Debbie, do you trust Fiona? -[Debbie] Yeah.

Right. Do you think she trusts you? 'Cause I don't know that she does.

She thinks you're a crap liar, right? But do you know what I think, Debs?

No.

I think you could be a brilliant liar

if you wanted to be. I think you could be a much better liar than you're letting on.

Hey, do you know lawyers and doctors

-and nurses and all that lot? -[Debbie] Yeah.

All liars, professional liars.

But they learn to tell lies to make people's lives better.

Look, your doctor, he wouldn't say, "Tough shit, you're dying of cancer", would he?

-No. -He'd say, um, "We're doing all we can",

wouldn't he?

-Yeah. -Right. So, what if today

you're a doctor. If you were telling a doctor's kind of lie,

you wouldn't even blush, would you, Debs?

-No. -[Steve] Right. You're a doctor.

-Can I be a nurse? -[Steve] Yeah.

Right, be brilliant. Yeah, Debs?

-[Liam] I'll be the doctor. -[Steve] Jacket.

Get my jacket. Come on.

Good luck.

-Be a good doctor, yeah? -Yeah.

And I'll be a good nurse.

-[woman] Jody! -Jody!

Jody, where are you?

-Jody! -[woman] Jody!

-[woman] Jody! -[man] Jody!

-[Liam] Boo! -Boo.

Whoopsie-daisy.

Get in, Liam. In the pram!

Not now. Where are you going?

Don't do this to me now!

[Liam giggling]

Come back here, please!

-[glasses clinking] -[indistinct chatter]

-[Kev] What? -What are you doing?

-Bar work. I'm being a barman. -Well, you're not due while six.

Oh, me watch must be fucked.

Oh, well, I'm here now, aren't I?

-Usual, Billy? -Well, I'm only paying you from six!

[Kev] Yeah.

[sport playing on TV]

Captain Curtis, eh?

It's been a while since I've seen one of them.

Captain Curtis costume. Kid in a Captain Curtis costume.

Takes you back, doesn't it?

Child! Blonde! About three!

In a Captain fucking Curtis costume!

No?

None of you?

-Forget it! -[Jez] What did you say, Kev?

-Forget it. -No, Captain Curtis, go on.

I was saying-- Well, I were trying to say...

Isn't it weird? 'Cause I haven't seen a Captain Curtis costume

in years, and I used to have one.

I just passed a kid in one and it made me smile

'cause it reminded me of me.

-Have you told anybody? -[Kev] Yeah.

But these deaf old twats aren't interested.

No, because that's what they are. No, where-- where did you see him?

I just passed him on Benson Road.

That's him. Little lad, little Jody,

he vanished this afternoon. They've been searching everywhere for him.

Oh, which I've heard nothing about.

-I've been at a wedding, me. -Sure, Kev,

-blonde? -[Kev] Blonde.

-About three? -About three.

[dial pad clicking]

-[Jez] With a junkie? -No, no, with a young...

I wouldn't say it were a young girl if it were Debbie from next door.

I'd say it were Debbie from next door, wouldn't I?

What if she was wearing a hat or something?

-Is she? -No. I'll ring you back. God.

[mobile phone ringing]

Veronica?

[Veronica] Debbie needs a hat so Kev wouldn't recognise her.

-But she isn't. -We know that.

-But she needs to be or he would. -What kind of hat?

Well, what have you got?

-I'm not with Debbie. She's in position. -[Veronica] Oh, Jesus!

It's all right, we're sorted. Baseball cap, black.

[mobile phone ringing]

Yeah.

Kev, the police need to know where they're heading.

Black baseball cap.

Debbie.

You need to be wearing this.

-Not if I'm a nurse. -What?

I'm a nurse now.

And I'm a brain surgeon, so just put the cap on, Debs.

-[boy] Oi! -[Debbie] All right.

Come on. All right, yeah. Good boy.

-Where's your cape? -[Jody] I don't know.

[police officer] Yeah. Yeah. Hang on a sec.

That's Benson Road? Right. Heading in which direction?

[phones ringing]

[Fiona] So, they've not found him?

I can't stop thinking what his parents

-must be going through. -Oh, I know.

Would you like a drink, Fiona? I've got no mixers left.

Oh, uh, a cup of tea would be great, thanks, Sheila.

You sit down. You look worn out.

Oh, just ignore me.

Clock stopped at two, so I took double medication by accident.

[Sheila breathes deeply]

Hi, sweetheart!

Come here. Give us a cuddle for a chocolate finger.

-[Sheila exhales sharply] -I'll stick the kettle on.

[Sheila] Aren't you getting chubby?

I can hardly lift you. Oh. [exhales sharply]

[phone ringing]

Can you stay on the line, please, sir?

[Kev] I've got customers to serve here, mate.

-[Jez] Tell him you work in the Jockey. -Just hold the line, please.

This is promising. Not random, definite pattern to it.

Here, 16:10, here, 16:30.

-Makes sense on foot? -[man] Yeah, right.

[phone ringing]

Tango-4, current location?

Yeah, we're at Ridgeway Road, waiting on Unit 15.

-Nothing as yet, Sarge. -[police officer] Flip round, head east,

towards Benson Road direction of Chatsworth Estate.

Second possible sighting with consistent information so shift yourselves.

-[Tony] RAU. -What?

-[siren blaring] -Received and Understood.

So say, "Received and understood."

Yeah, but that's seven syllables and we're in a rush, so RAU.

God, if it's nonces we're after,

we should be nailing that creepy shit!

Have you seen his locker? S Club 8!

-[Sheila] Peek-a-boo. -[Liam] Peek-a-boo.

-[Sheila] Peek-a-boo. -[Liam] Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo!

-[Sheila] Peek-a-boo! -[Liam] Peek-a-boo!

-[screams] -[Sheila] What?

Hey! Lads have just kicked a confession out of Ice Cream Alec.

He's admitted to dipping his knob in the tubs.

What? He took little Jody?

We don't know till he comes out of theatre.

[indistinct shouting]

-[door slamming shut] -[Sheila breathes heavily]

[siren blaring]

[Debbie speaks indistinctly]

I don't know. I can't be a nurse.

I don't feel like a nurse.

I'm not in a dress, so how can I feel like a nurse?

[boy] It's Jody!

[serene music]

[indistinct chatter]

[clamouring]

[Jackie] Jody!

[crowd cheering]

[siren blaring]

[cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

Where the hell have you been?

We've been worried sick about you.

-Where did you find him? -[Debbie] He was on his own.

And he didn't know where he lived.

Thank you.

[Frank] What did I say?

-[Jackie] Thank you. -We'll find him for you!

Little Debbie! Little Jody!

[cheers]

[Stewart] How can we ever thank you?

[crowd cheering]

-[coins clinking] -[cheering]

[crowd cheering]

Hi, Debbie.

Can we take her somewhere quiet?

-What for? -[Tony] We just need to take a statement.

But she found him.

I know, we need to take a statement.

-[Frank] What? -You can stay with her.

It's okay, I'll be fine.

She probably wants you with her.

Yeah, 'course she will. Come on, Debs.

We'll pick it up later.

-[Lip] Uh-uh! It's Debbie's. -[Frank] I know!

[Lip] Just so you do.

[Frank] Get it now before it all...

[Lip] Quick, Ian, it's blowing away!

[Frank] Oh, fuck! Does it look like that scene in Gone with the Wind?

Karen!

Did your mum pass that message on?

About?

I just rang to see if you fancied a quick jump.

-You said that to me mum? -Joke!

Knowing her, she'd go, "Hang on, I'll just see if she's ready."

Aw. You two had a barney?

Chance would be a fine thing!

A new bloke walks into her life, and suddenly it's,

-"Karen? Who's Karen?" -[laughs]

You are the only person I know

who'd refer to me dad as a "new bloke."

There's a Buddhist saying that we all get reincarnated

until we've been, done, and seen everything.

Dad reckons he's way up that ladder.

To hear him talk, you couldn't teach him a thing.

I mean, it's never occurred to him that he might just be thick as pig shit.

If you want rid of him, just start mentioning full-time work.

It's not your dad that's the problem.

That's a new one.

I might nip round later.

Oi! Oi!

[inaudible]

Look, they gave me this, and a book token.

Let's have a look.

-Golden Citizen Award. -Wow!

And this, look.

-[Fiona] Oh, a tenner. -Ten pounds.

-[chuckles] -Blimey, Debs.

["Countdown" theme music playing on TV]

["Countdown" theme ends]

[door opening]

Just doing a coffee if you fancy one.

I don't drink coffee.

[sighs]

-Been a bit worried about you. -Me?

Yeah, I mean, all that business yesterday, you know.

Creeps on the loose.

-You've gone a bit quiet. -I am quiet.

Where's Mum?

She's having a kip.

No, it's just that, you know, girls like you

getting the eye from all sorts, you know, you need to...

you know, look after yourself.

I know how to look after myself.

Whoa, whoa.

'Cause now, eh, you're a young lass.

Very young. And that's dodgy. Very dodgy.

All... this could go down a long...

wrong...

big...

bad road.

I am a bit dodgy.

And so are you,

or you wouldn't still be whispering.

[Frank grunting]

["Countdown" music playing over TV]

She invented tons of stuff we hadn't fed her.

The more she lied, the more she smiled,

the faster she talked.

I'm sticking a lock on our bedroom door.

[all laughing]

It won't save you from a fire if she takes up arson.

[Debbie giggling]

Seventy-five, 80, 85,

ninety, 95, 100,

one hundred and five, ten, 15,

twenty, 25...

[man on TV] ...sash windows.

Now the main problem with sash windows that you'll find is the rotten sill.

[sighs]

Sit yourself down, love. I think he's in the bathroom.

-Frank! -[Frank] Bathroom!

Turn the fire down if it's too hot.

-Fine. -[Sheila] Tea or coffee, love?

[Steve] I'm fine, thank you.

-Who did you say you are, again? -Steve, I'm Fiona's bloke.

[Sheila] That's right.

Who's Fiona?

Frank's daughter.

[Sheila sighs] Oh! [chuckles]

Take no notice. She's just woken up. [chuckles]

-[Steve chuckles] -[Sheila laughing hysterically]

-Come again? -[sighs]

Fiona doesn't know whether you're coming or going, right?

I mean...

can we use your room,

or are you planning on coming back to Windsor Gardens?

You must be fucking joking!

[chuckles]

[music playing]

[Ian groaning]

[Lip grunting]

-[grunts] -[indistinct chatter]

[Fiona] Careful.

[indistinct chatter]

[Fiona] Timber! [laughing]

-What are you wearing? -I've been to Rebecca's party.

[serene music]

[door opening]

[all chuckling]

-[Debbie] Is this for me? -[Lip] You like it?

[Steve] Now, people with good imaginations get bored

when nothing much happens.

There's one school of thought that says

tackle the problem at source, treat the sickness.

Round here, though, therapy was an unfamiliar word.

Blackmail and bribery were tried and tested techniques.

Debbie's compulsion scared us all to death.

So, when she took the newest,

most vulnerable member of the family to her bosom...

-we were thrilled. -[Kev cheers] Hey.

[laughs]

Eh, so, what are you going to call it?

[all laugh]

[indistinct chatter]

Where on earth do I find the sugar?

Lip, have you put the sugar in the teapot again?

-[Lip] No. -[Steve] You have!

-[Lip] I haven't. -[Steve] You have! Look!

[Fiona] Don't do that, Liam! No!

[Steve chuckles]

-Oh, Liam, mate! -[Fiona] That's disgusting!

[indistinct chatter]

[Lip] It wasn't me.

[indistinct chatter]

[TV playing indistinctly]

[Fiona] Debbie, you should be ready for school.

I can't go to school.

[Fiona] Why not?

He's had me up half the night with diarrhoea.

[toy baby cries]

[Steve] And if you think that was bad,

you should've been there for the three weeks off with measles.

Tell her teacher she's got the flu.

It's too near the doors.

Ooh! My shopping didn't go very well.

This has got to be a wind-up.

If you don't turn up at school, some bloody teacher

-will turn up on your doorstep. -Yep.

[Lip] All you have to do is tip up and smile.

You'll be in the Jockey by ten and I'm sweet for sixth form.

[Frank] I've just told me own kids to go swivel.

You are so coming tonight, Frank.

-Hey, we can't-- [muffled] -[Karen] Oh, we can.

[Frank] The way they grow up these days.

Is there somebody else?

[Steve] How long have you been fucking Karen for?

Who do you reckon it is, Lip?

[Steve] You call time on it, Frank, or I'll blow the whistle.

You animal!

He fucked her and I'm going to fuck him!

[theme music plays]

[Debbie and Veronica singing] ♪ Sunshine girl ♪

♪ I'm looking down your blouse ♪

♪ I see two mountains ♪

♪ I wonder what they are Won't you invite me ♪

♪ To squeeze them tightly Not bloody likely ♪

♪ I'm such a girl! ♪

-[Veronica giggling] -[Debbie laughing]