Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden.

At least I don't think they are. But it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher,

and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

Y'know, they can all think for themselves,

-which they've me to thank for. -[kids yelling]

[Frank] Fiona, who's a big help, massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air, and good luck to her.

-[barking] -And Carl...

We daren't let him grow his hair.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

[chuckling] Debbie. Sent by God. Total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam! Little rock'n'roller!

-Gonna be a star. -[screams]

Well, once we've got the fits under control.

You know, it's these things are vital

to an half-decent community. And space.

You need wide open spaces

-where everyone goes mental... -[all cheering]

...and neighbourliness, you know, fantastic neighbours.

Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything.

Well, not anything.

But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life is,

-they know how to throw a party! -[siren blaring]

-[Frank] Whoa! Scatter! -[everyone cheering]

-[officer blowing whistle] -[commotion]

-[police sirens] -[fireworks exploding]

[Lip] Hiya. I said I'd help your Karen with her homework.

Okay.

Take your shoes off.

Fair enough.

[Sheila] I'll get you a carrier bag.

She's got this thing about people bringing soil into the house.

-[TV playing] -Right.

[Karen] She's not as mad as she seems.

Agoraphobia.

Oh, right.

-[Karen] So how come you know all this? -[Lip] It's just something I do.

-What, like a hobby? -No. The plans.

-What, physics? -[Lip] All sorts. Look.

I've got a great one for Newton's First. Watch.

Everybody continues in a state of rest...

or uniform motion...

unless acted upon

-by an external... -[zip opens]

...force.

-Karen! -Hello.

Look, don't do-- Look, Karen!

To be honest, I could do with the money.

What money?

I charge for homework. I thought you knew.

I'm skint.

Okay.

[whispers] Fuck!

Lip, have you got any deodorant?

-[stammers] I-I'm using Ian's. -Oh.

If I stick this lot in the washer before I go out,

will you keep an eye on it?

-Do it tomorrow. -God, it stinks in here.

-It's the T-shirt I'm in. -That's why it stinks.

You're like bloody chimps, you three.

[Veronica] Fiona! We need to go if we're gonna get a lift to the club.

[Fiona] Give us five minutes, Veronica.

-[sighs] -[door shuts]

[groans]

[chuckles]

[gasps]

-[door opens, shuts] -[footsteps approaching]

[Ian] Hiya.

[club music playing]

[Fiona] Oi!

Excuse me!

[Fiona] He's got me bag!

[Steve] Excuse me. Everybody move! Oi!

[Fiona] Oi! He's got me bag!

[Steve] Move, move, move!

-[tyres screech] -Bastard!

[tyres screech]

-I'm sorry. -[Veronica laughing]

I know you missed but that was top fucking notch.

Steve. Look, I was gonna offer to buy you a drink, anyway.

Were you now?

-[Steve] Yeah, I was, actually. -[Fiona pants]

-What do you reckon, Veronica? -I don't know. Do I get one?

-Yeah, I think you will. -[laughs]

What is it, snake bites all round, yeah?

-Maybe. [laughs] -[Veronica laughing]

-No, no, no. -Oi!

You're not getting back in like that.

[Veronica] Are you serious?

-Look at the state of him. -State of you.

If you were doing your job, he wouldn't have had to.

-[scoffs] You fat twat. -[bouncer] You're all barred.

-What for? -Uh, drugs.

He let him get away, 'cause he knows him.

Hey, watch your mouth, spunk face.

Hey, look, don't talk to her like that.

-Or you'll be trying what? -Oi!

Forget it, forget it. Let's get a taxi.

Thanks. Thanks, anyway.

[both gasp, scream, laugh]

[both scream]

o-Come on! -[Veronica] You fat wanker!

[Veronica and Fiona laughing]

[Veronica] Woo-hoo!

[Lip] I got a blowjob today.

What have you been told about encouraging pets?

-Karen Jackson. -Yeah, right, Lip.

She's desperate to get physics. I didn't ask.

I didn't even know until she yanked it out.

You'd have told me straightaway if you would have been noshed.

[indistinct chatter in other room]

-You ever had yours sucked? -[music playing]

Well... once or twice.

Didn't hear you telling me.

How come, Ian? A breakthrough like that, if we tell each other everything...

Unless you got it sucked by a bloke.

[rustling]

[sobs softly]

-[Veronica laughing] -What was it he called you?

A spunky monkey, brown face or something.

[Veronica] It wasn't me he called a spunk face. It was her.

[Veronica] I'm more of a juice face. [laughing]

-Not in front of the kids, mate. -[laughs]

Oh, they've heard worse. I get it off of them.

[Steve] Here's the spunky monkey.

[Veronica] Hey. [laughing]

[laughing] I nearly wet meself when you whacked that guy.

[chuckles] Well, I did a bit. [laughs]

He'll kill you if ever he sees you, Steve.

Yeah?

Listen, how many people live here?

Well, I'm next door but one.

But next door's dead so I'm, um, next door.

Yeah? Are you a nurse, Veronica?

-Uh, part time. -[Fiona] You lying cow.

She's a cleaner.

[Veronica] They asked me to train twice, at least.

[Fiona] Just before they sacked you for thieving once and for all.

Hey, hey, if you're patching me up with stolen goods, I'm straight on the blower.

[Veronica] Will you shut up! You don't even know him!

-[kids laughing] -You sit still. [laughs]

Well, I would, if you stopped nudging me with your knockers.

[gasps]

-[groans] Ow! -[Veronica] Sit still!

-I'm Steve, by the way. -Debbie.

-Lip. -Carl.

-[Fiona] And that's Ian. -[Steve] Hi, Ian.

Hey, Debbie, why do they call him Lip?

[Lip] Hmm. A, you stink,

B, you're not as funny as you think you are,

and C, you whacked a bouncer, you're gonna be dead soon,

-so it's pointless getting to know you. -[Carl] Stuff like that.

Stuff like that, yeah. Boy meets death wish.

Wahey! I thought you were fetching

-an Indian home. -I couldn't be arsed

-so I found a taxpayer. -[kids laughing]

-What's going on? -We got turfed out the club.

Steve stuck up for us. Decked a bouncer.

-Which bouncer? -Jimmy Clifton.

-Fuck me. -[Fiona] Come on, you lot. Off to bed.

[kids laughing]

-[Veronica] Bed. -[Fiona] Aw.

[Kev] Good night, kids. See you later.

-[Veronica chuckling] Bye! -See you, love.

-[Kev] Oh. -[Veronica laughing]

-That's his? -[Veronica] Yeah.

-Well, work's. -What kind of work?

Car sales.

-Where? -I don't know.

Didn't ask. I'm not as nosy as you.

Oh, right. But you didn't mind watching him take his shirt off, did you?

[chuckles] No.

And if you hadn't walked in, I'd have tripped him up

-and dived straight under. Whoa! -Hmm. [chuckles]

[laughs]

Look, straight answer...

if I hadn't have battered my skull for you, would you have looked twice?

Who's saying I looked twice?

[clinking]

[Steve sighs] You did then.

We can't.

And ninety percent of this world's problems

are caused by little words that come in pairs.

We're healthy and we're happy,

and yet when anybody asks us,

we say, "Not bad."

You know, when I saw you for the first time, dancing,

this was about a month ago, by the way, in Pretso's...

I was desperate to buy you a drink.

But you know what I said to myself? "I can't.

She won't. We wouldn't."

And then you were there again tonight,

and all the indications being that I'm getting a second chance

to make a good impression.

So you say stop...

and I'll stop.

[both chuckle]

[Steve moaning]

[chuckles] Slower.

[Steve chuckles]

[birds chirping]

-[both moaning] -[utensils clanking]

-[thumping] -[moaning continues]

-[Steve groans] -[Fiona moaning]

Oh, nearly, nearly, nearly!

[Fiona moans]

-[knocking on door] -[Steve screaming] Oh! Oh!

Shit! Shit!

-[Steve groans] -[Fiona panting]

[Fiona panting]

[Steve panting]

-Fiona in? -Yeah. Uh...

yeah, she's upstairs.

I'll just go get her.

[pants]

-Police. -I know. I'll sort it.

Go away, you!

-Shh. -[Debbie] Come on, Liam.

-Back to bed. Come on. -[Liam] Okay.

[Steve panting]

[Tony] I wouldn't put him anywhere near a carpet

until his kecks dry off a bit.

[Tony groans]

-[Steve] What the fuck's that? -[Fiona] He's me dad.

[Frank groaning]

-Thanks, Tony. I appreciate it. -Cheers, Fiona.

[pants] Night.

[Fiona sighs]

-[car door shuts] -[engine revving]

-Hey, do you want a hand? -[Fiona] No, you're all right.

[door shuts]

Do you, um...

Do you leave him there all night?

-He's never there when I get up. -Okay.

Who's the little 'un, Liam?

Brother.

[rustling]

[door shuts]

[car engine starts]

[car door shuts]

[keys jingling]

-[knocking on door] -[washing machine whirring]

[Steve] Hiya.

Listen, um... [clears throat]

I'm wondering how you're fixed for Friday.

-Party. -Great.

-You wouldn't get invited. -What, is it a hen do, yeah?

It's just not that kind of party.

Look, Steve, you're not that desperate.

Wanting to see you again is desperate?

Feeling like you have to.

You could get laid anywhere.

So I'm only here for a fuck?

Never crossed your mind?

[Steve chuckles]

This is all a bit Hans Christian Andersen.

You see, you think you've found your dream girl,

and then her incontinent alcoholic father drops in

-to wreck everything. -Don't take the piss out of me.

Yeah, well, don't pretend like you don't even know me.

You weren't that drunk.

Look, if the only reason

last night happened was because it happened...

don't knock it, all right? At least something did.

-It did for me. -[door opens]

-Hey, it's the smart arse. -Hey, it's the loser.

-[Steve] No school today? -Two teeth out this morning.

[Steve] All right. Well, listen, if you're chewing,

make sure you don't just do it on one side.

If you do that, you can bugger your jaw and if that happens,

that'll change the way you walk.

-[chuckles] Is that a fact? -It's a skeletal fact.

And if you keep talking out of your arse,

you're gonna end up needing a much bigger toothbrush.

-Anal fact. -Cheers.

[Fiona] Lip. [mouths] Fuck off.

[door opens, shuts]

-[thumping] -[machine whirring]

[sighs] Look...

thanks about the bag.

-And stuff. -[Steve chuckling]

-Stuff? -I'm just not looking, Steve.

[Ian] I'm not having this.

[Lip] Look, just once, for me, then I swear, I'll shut up about everything.

Swear though, Lip, then.

[Lip] Just try it. You might like it.

Oh, she's thrilled with you. She got an A for her physics.

Karen, it's your little helper!

I'll get you carrier bags.

[rustling]

[Eddie] Right, I'm off.

Oh, hiya, lads.

Where's our Karen?

Went looking for a felt tip.

[Lip laughing]

-Guess. -[Eddie sighs]

-Tuna. -Nope.

-Uh, corned beef. -Nope.

Kiss and I'll tell.

I'll find out what I've got when I eat 'em, won't I?

Right, Karen, I'm late, so I'm off. See you in the morning, sweetheart.

What are you hiding for?

What's she hiding for?

Oh, Jesus Christ, no.

-No! -[Karen screaming]

[Eddie] Hey!

What?

[Karen] He's gonna kill him!

-He's gonna kill him! -[clattering, shattering]

He's killed him.

[Lip groaning]

[groaning]

Come back here, you little animals!

-[Veronica] Around two hours. -[Ian] Right.

Top of the freezer. Two ice collars.

-Don't drop 'em. They can split. -Right.

Second cupboard above the sink,

liquid ibuprofen, freeze spray and microthermal bandages.

[Fiona] Shouldn't he get it X-rayed? Oh, grow up, Fiona.

He'll be there till midnight for what?

Submetatarsal haematoma.

Yeah, cheers, we knew that five hours back.

Fuck off. Microthermal bandages,

sizes eight and ten. Could need either so bring both.

-Right. -And front bedroom,

-top of the video... -Yeah?

Fags and lighter.

-[groans] -[knocking on door]

[Lip gasps] I'm not here! I'm not here.

[Lip groans, screams]

[Ian] Just say we're out or you've never heard of us, Fiona, please.

What have you done?

Get back up the stairs.

[delivery man] Can I get through here or does it need bringing round the front?

-Hey? -[delivery man] Washer-dryer.

[scoffs] Not me.

-Gallagher, number two? -[Fiona] Yeah.

But it's not ours.

[Kev moaning, grunting]

[grumbling]

Where the fuck are you going with them?

Veronica wants them.

Chuck us one over here.

[alarm clock music blaring]

[inhales]

[imitates trumpet sound]

-[clanking] -[indistinct chattering]

All right.

-I thought you'd no money. -[Ian] We haven't.

-[Liam] We haven't. -These were inside it.

-[Veronica] "Steve." No! -Yeah.

-Who's Steve? -[Fiona] Other night.

-Never! -I know!

[Veronica] You haven't got a vase?

No.

Can I have the flowers for doing Lip's leg?

No.

[Kev] Veronica, just button it, will you? And just follow me, will you?

[Veronica] I'm following you! Fucking hell.

[Kev] Stop pulling it back.

[Veronica] I'm not pulling it back!

[Kev] I'm taking the strain on it, aren't I?

-[Veronica] Oh. -[Carl] Lip!

Watch how many I can do. Look. Look!

Fifteen years, I've done everything in my power to--

What did I say? What did I tell you?

Sow and thou shalt reap!

Well, she didn't reap that from me, did she?

Reap what? What are you reaping now?

Eddie, what if I try? Really try? I--

Mum, don't beg him!

If the bastard can do this, he's not worth it!

-[Eddie] Hey, you watch your mouth. -Get fucked!

[door slams]

Don't try blaming me for this!

Your own worst enemies, you two, eh?

They say bad things come in threes. They don't.

Twos. You twos.

Now let me in or I'll tear this door off!

[Karen] Sod off!

[phone ringing]

[Fiona] How much have you paid for it?

Um... I'm not gonna tell you that.

Because it was a present, so you'd remember my phone number,

which... [chuckles] obviously worked.

[Fiona] Thought you'd better know your washer-dryer's in the backyard.

We don't want it, I don't need it. So you'd better pick it up before it rots.

[Steve] Is it?

-No. -What, did--

did the guy connect it?

Yes.

[Steve] So it's working?

-Yes. -[mouths] Yes.

[sighs] So you've tried it.

[Kash] Ta, love.

-Smell your breath. -Fuck off.

-[sniffs] -[machine beeping]

-Pork scratchings. -No, it's not.

They were mine.

[Kash] See? And I wouldn't mind,

but scratchings aren't scratchings. They've never seen no pork.

Ian, I pay your wages.

So if you catch him letting me down,

then you'd better be straight on the mobile. Right?

Message received.

And you, if you're not at that mosque by midnight,

you are gonna be in deep shit with your dad.

[Kash] See you later, light of my life. I mean it, Kash. We're all watching you.

See you at home.

[laughing]

Can you earn your money while you're taking the piss?

[sighs]

[exhales] Now you know what I feel like.

Quit whingeing.

Drink more.

[laughs]

[Sheila whimpers]

Mum, we've got to wear our shoes. There's bits of glass you can't see.

[wood clanking]

[Lip] Cheers.

Maybe Lip could do with a drink.

Sorry. Yes, sorry, Lip.

It's been a bit of an off day today, hasn't it, Karen?

So... vodka, some tonic.

Plenty of rum, but we're out of blackcurrant,

-and gin, definitely. -Just coffee, Mum.

[Sheila] And a few lagers.

Lager would be great, Sheila. Cheers.

[door shuts]

[Lip] What if your dad comes back and sees me?

He won't.

[hammering]

That's my fault.

He's been looking for an excuse for months.

Thanks.

So, um, what kind of impression did you get of Ian?

He seems nice.

Hard?

Couldn't tell. He didn't say much.

No. [stammers] I mean...

did he get a hard-on?

No.

[indistinct chattering]

[Ian and Kash] Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

[Kash] Count the crisps again, Ian, and this time do it proper.

And I'll do the peanuts, all right? [gasps] Jeez! Lip.

Just, uh, cheers for the tools, Kash.

[Kash] Any time, eh? So long as I get 'em back.

So, uh, orange juice. Let's count what's in the fridge.

Two bottles.

[Lip] Jesus Christ.

Tell me you are taking the piss.

You're fucking him?

Him?

[Lip] Kash bought you the trainers, didn't he?

[Lip sighs]

He's married. With kids.

-What else does he buy you? -Just stuff now and again.

[breathes heavily]

And you're happy with that?

Eh?

What does that make you?

Fucking rent boy at best.

[Ian] Now, listen to me, bollock brains.

You crack on you know everything.

And you know what, fucking newt?

Ask me what I've bought him. Go on. Ask me.

Two Man United shirts, home and away,

limited edition Beckham shin pads for Christmas.

So what does that make you, Lip, eh? What does that make you?

Wrong, that's what, you smart-arse, short-arse fuck.

So go round there now and promise Kash

you'll keep your mouth shut.

'Cause he's shitting himself and he's done nothing, understand?

Absolutely fuck all to be sorry for.

Fake Muslim cheats on white fundamentalist wife

with gutless gay boy.

Says more about United fans than it does

about the rest of us.

-[speaking indistinctly] -[Kash sobbing]

[dog barking in distance]

[snoring]

[Fiona sighs]

Just tell me you haven't got some girl pregnant.

No danger.

Not if that's how you end up being to your kids.

[Frank snoring]

Did he give you your dinner money?

-No, I'll pay it myself. -No, you won't.

-[coins clattering] -[Ian laughing]

-[Fiona] Here. There you go. -[Ian laughing]

You must be sick of having to think for everybody.

At least I can, so it makes me feel wanted.

If the best you're aiming for is wanting to be wanted...

you've a job for life with that clown, Fiona.

Night.

[door shuts]

[mobile phone ringing]

-Hello. -If you're not bullshitting,

what was I wearing?

-[Steve] Wearing? Uh... -The first time you saw me.

[Steve] You were wearing a pink top...

and black trousers.

Cropped black trousers.

And, uh, and you had dangling earrings,

just one earring. It was a long, thin dazzler.

And you had your hair up in these little clips,

and it was, like, rosy clip things.

And you were dancing next to a red-haired girl in a green dress.

Gemma.

Who's a lot better looking than I am.

[Steve] You reckon?

So why weren't you looking at her?

Because you think like that and Gemma doesn't.

Because Gemma's dancing for an audience and you're dancing

like there's nobody else in the room.

Your life's not straightforward, Fiona, and a little bit of that travels with you

but you don't stop it showing.

You're not fake, you're not vain,

you're not-- you're not lost so you don't need finding.

You're not trapped so you don't need springing.

I tell you, this whole town belongs to the fucking Gemmas

of this world and I'm sick of the fucking sight of them.

I swear to God, Fiona, you're just...

you make me want to enjoy my life.

I've lost mates because I talk too much.

But every time I try the opposite,

I get accused of sulking, which only makes it worse.

So, are you still there? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

-[Steve] I knew you'd come. -[music playing]

[Fiona] People like you are used to getting your own way.

Who are people like me?

All right, agree or disagree.

[chuckles] He thinks the sun shines out his arse.

[chuckles] Agree.

-He's overgenerous and that bugs me. -Agree.

Because I'm not used to being spoiled.

Agree.

Nevertheless, though, he-- he's overeducated

and he's got more money than sense.

-Your words, not mine. -But they fit.

Agree.

He's-- He's had an easy life.

-Definitely. -And I prefer a bloke

who's been around the block a few times.

Maybe.

But I can't help my upbringing.

Well, I'm not apologising for mine.

Was I asking you to?

-[waitress] Finished? -No.

No, we're working on it.

Please.

Do you want to wait outside while I take care of the bill?

Uh, at least you can smoke there.

Sure.

Can I borrow your lighter?

-Time to get your jacket, sir? -[Steve] Hmm.

Yeah, it is.

[classical music coming from car]

[music stops, car door opens]

-[car door shuts] -[Steve] Mr and Mrs Pace.

You all right? How are you? Lovely to have you back again.

-Enjoy your meal. -[Mr Pace] Thank you.

-[car door shuts] -[engine revving]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

[Steve] Uh, you seem a bit confused about me, about how I pay my way.

Well... [sighs] you're the last person

in the world I need to confuse right now, so here we go.

I don't buy and sell cars, I just sell them.

But they're not mine.

Satisfied?

[dance music coming from car]

[Fiona] No.

They're really nice.

They're really old.

-They'll be dead soon. -[tyres screeching]

Look, he has beef, all right?

Gets blind drunk and swears a lot.

She can't even drive so he turns up pissed.

They're insured to the hilt, so, I'll be doing everybody a favour

by just taking them off the road.

Come on. Do you fancy a laugh or not, Fiona?

This car's mine.

♪ Nothing can stop us not now I love you ♪

♪ They're not gonna get us They're not gonna get us ♪

♪ They're not gonna get us! ♪

[keys jingling]

[keys jingling]

Sounds like they're all in bed.

[Frank] Gotcha.

[Fiona sighs]

Who's been eating my porridge, then?

[Fiona sighs]

Hiya, Dad.

-This is Steve. -We've met,

-but you weren't exactly-- -How much do you weigh?

-Wouldn't know. -That'd fit me.

Ignore him.

Shift! [mouths] Now.

[Steve chuckles]

Listen, I, uh, I better get off and let you get to bed, all right?

[Steve chuckling]

Thanks.

That was really nice.

You too.

-Mm. -[keys jingling]

-[Fiona sighs] -I want to know...

who signed...

for this?

[keys jingling]

[Steve chuckling]

-What the fuck's he on? -Oh, I think he bought Es.

The only dealer he gets credit from is a registered schizophrenic.

Well, it's not a case of whether I agree, Steve.

It's a fact. If I was a single parent--

-Aren't you a single parent? -"Yeah, but if I had tits."

Yeah, but if I had tits, Steve...

-[Steve laughing] -[Frank] ...they'd double the money.

You know, with a bloke, they don't fucking know.

No, no, I get it, Frank, I get it. It's prove you're looking for work.

[stammers] And the rest, Steve. And the--

What was World War II all about if blokes like me are still getting shit?

[Steve] Yeah. Not "How's a guy supposed to find work with kids this age?"

-Correct. Hello! [chuckles] -[Steve chuckling]

Oh! Good shout. Well done.

'Cause her mum, God rest her soul...

-Dad, don't start. -...'cause she'd better be dead, the cunt.

-[chuckles] -Cut it out!

A four-month-old baby, Steve.

16-year-old girl just had her appendix out,

11-year-old Lip, ten-year-old Ian,

seven-year-old, five-year-old.

Oh, and an Escort van, calypso blue.

-Right. -[Frank] What's the one thing

we needed? One word, eh?

-One thing. -Sterilisation.

-[Fiona laughing] -Continuity. Continuity!

You know, one Tuesday, right, we're out of bread, so I send her down the shops.

She grabs the van keys.

I haven't seen it since.

And we haven't a fucking clue where she is, have we?

Eh? We-- Oh,

-I fucking love this. -[loud music playing]

♪ Let the sunshine in Kick you out ♪

[Frank] So what could I do, Steve? What could I do?

Vanish for three weeks.

-[Frank] I had a breakdown. -[Fiona] You moved in with Paddy

-and went on a bender. -I had a nervous breakdown.

Fair enough.

-[knocking on door] -Dad.

Keys.

♪ Gonna kick you out! Let the sunshine in ♪

♪ Kick you out Let the sunshine in ♪

-♪ I'm gonna kick you out ♪ -[chuckles]

♪ Let the sunshine in Kick you out! ♪

♪ Let the sunshine in ♪

♪ I'm gonna kick you out Let the sunshine in ♪

♪ Kick you out... ♪

-Do you know what time it is? -Yeah, sorry, Kev, it's Frank.

-What have I told you? -Oi. Oi.

[Frank] Eh! Here we go. Neighbours of Satan.

The day you pay rent, like some of us, Frank...

-[music stops] -...you can play whatever shit you want.

[Frank chuckles]

-[Kev] But till then... -[yawns]

...if you're pumpin' it at this time of night,

-you play stuff that we like. -[Frank chuckles]

-All right? -[loud music playing]

-Do you get it, mate? -I get it.

-Go on, get that down you. -[Frank laughs]

[all speaking indistinctly]

-[Kev] New Year's Eve. -[Fiona speaking indistinctly]

-[Fiona speaking indistinctly] -[Veronica laughing]

-[Kev cheering] -[all laughing]

-[indistinct chatter continues] -[laughing continues]

♪ Don't you think That I'm bound to react now? ♪

♪ Well, my fingers definitely Turning to black now ♪

♪ Maybe I'll put my love On ice ♪

♪ And teach myself Maybe that'll be nice ♪

-[music playing] -[indistinct chatter, laughing]

[dog barking]

He made me follow you up.

[chuckles] I know.

But he's right. You can't drive now.

But...

Liam is in here somewhere.

Don't the kids wake up?

-Would you? -[chuckles]

[muffled music from downstairs]

[Steve sighs]

[Kev cheering]

[alarm blaring]

[birds chirping]

[Debbie] Liam, come and have your breakfast.

-[Liam mumbling] -You seen Ian?

-He'd gone before I woke up. -[Lip sighs]

His school uniform's not here neither.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

Give me this.

[Fiona chuckles]

Tell me if you're not a morning person.

It's not something I've had much experience of.

First time for everything.

How can that be good for you?

Or that.

Do you know what's not funny?

You. Ever.

Anybody before Kash?

-One. -Who?

I'm not telling you.

And actually...

up the arse?

'Cause look, I'm not taking the piss.

I've come through a toilet roll.

And that's just one finger. Barely up the ring.

Screamed the house down! [chuckles]

Do you get used to that? Can you?

The whole point of the digestive system's about one-way traffic.

It just is.

-[laughs] -What?

-Wh-- What? -[laughs] You!

[Lip laughs]

-[imitates Lip] "It just is." -[laughs]

Like we were only given lungs so we can fucking smoke.

[both laugh]

[utensils clanking]

-[Lip humming] -[Liam laughing]

[kids speaking indistinctly]

Sit yourselves down. Who's for bacon?

[Ian, funny voice] I won't say no to a bit of bacon!

Yummy!

What's all this?

Well, uh, Debbie's the only person that gets up earlier than I do,

so, uh, we shot off down to Apu's on the corner.

I said I never eat breakfast and she said it's her favourite meal of the day

-and since it's her birthday... -[Fiona gasping]

No, it's not!

I didn't say it was, I said I wished it was.

-[Ian and Lip chuckling] -All right. You wished it was.

Sorry, completely misheard that, Debs.

Perforated eardrum on the right. M'lady.

[Debbie] Anyone else want a drink?

-Who's for bacon? -You got 15 minutes tops.

Ian, Lip, your turn to wash up. Debbie, Carl,

you need to put them bins out.

[Frank] You know, somebody said, "Show me a child

before he's seven, and I'll show you the man."

Well, my problem with kids is they're only seven once.

After that, it's a fucking nightmare. Massive!

But one thing I'll say about my lot, though,

you know, they've been raised to show respect.

And I like that. It matters in our house.

[indistinct chatter]

Has anyone seen Dad since last night?

[Frank] Six kids to keep on top of.

[clicking tongue]

[Tony] You can't file Frank as a missing person.

He's always missing.

Ooh, that is tight.

-[moans] -[Veronica moaning]

-Sorry. -[Kev and Veronica panting]

Was me dad in the Jockey this afternoon?

Yeah, Frank were there. Slaughtered.

[Lip] How was he looking when you left him in the Jockey, Steve?

[Kev] He can't be far. He's never far.

[Veronica] Police? I've just found a body exactly fitting Frank's description.

[Debbie screaming]

[theme music playing]

[Frank] You might be getting...

but you've got a long way to go before you catch up with...

For fuck's sake!