Original subtitles

When we reach Munty, we find the man from another world

and bring him back.

I estimate...

(SNIFFS)

..another 17 leagues.

How did you know?

Assassin stuff.

BARBARA: Brian!

Barbara? What are you doing here?

I thought we said our goodbyes last night.

Now, I don't want to worry you, but I have consulted the tarot,

and the cards say that you won't reach your final destination.

Barbara, I'll be fine. OK?

I'll get to the City Of A Thousand Towers

before the solstice, and someone there will send me home.

I just need to get my ticket.

Ugh!

I just need...

I need to get my ticket, Barbara.

Get my ticket.

Oh, erm, I have made you some sandwiches for your journey.

They're your favourite.

Cheese? Fish.

Thank you.

As I say, I'd better get my ticket.

Oh, erm, and I...

I've written you something.

Now, don't read it now, read it on the coach.

Not now!

One ticket to the City Of A Thousand Towers, please!

Certainly, sir.

Luxury or standard?

What's the difference?

Well, with the luxury class, you sit at the front of the coach,

so you do arrive that fraction earlier.

Standard's fine.

OK. And which month would you like to travel?

Er, month? Well, now. Isn't there one today?

Sold out. Lady before you bought all eight tickets.

Eight tickets?

Yeah, she's travelling with seven dwarves.

Well, couldn't they just... No.

So there's no... No.

Looks like I'm staying.

I'll just take that...that letter.

(QUIETLY) Yay!

Tomorrow, for one night only, the Munty Play.

The greatest show in the Western Marches.

Villains - we've got 'em.

Princesses - yes, please.

Will true love prevail?

And will the king save the day? Find out tomorrow. Thank you.

Pathetic.

Come to the play, sir?

Not now, mate. It's one night only.

What are you doing?

I'm a theatre promoter.

You're not, though, are ya? You're one up from a lamppost.

Is that what you want to be? A lamppost?

I did always want to be a woodcutter.

Well, do that!

You don't want to be stuck in Munty, looking like a tit.

Be free.

Apparently, there's a throck on the loose.

Nasty vicious things.

Must be what went through my bins last night.

Left a right mess everywhere.

There's a reward for catching it. 20 sovs.

Wanted dead or alive.

Ideally dead.

I'm off. Keep the change.

Thanks. Hey, you never paid me!

I need new customers.

Anyone's welcome in my pub.

(WHISPERS) Apart from orcs.

What can I get ya?

Pint of salt water, please, mate.

What are you doing here?

Drowning my sorrows.

Getting away from the misery of it all.

Working on that building site for the Protector.

What this - the leisure centre?

What? (LAUGHS) That's no leisure centre.

Cheers.

What is it, then? Sculpture park?

Not another pub, is it?

(BURPS) That's classified information.

Although Krunt knows why I shouldn't tell ya,

the way they treat us.

You know, they think we're just great big lunks

that go round drinking salt water and eating rocks.

Another salt water? Oh, yeah, please, I'm parched.

Eh, got any rocks?

No. I'm Steg, by the way.

Maverick, rebel, agitator. I didn't catch your name.

Fffffffkenbub.

Right.

Erm, so, they treat you badly, do they, Fff...?

Fffffffkenbub. Yeah! Yeah, I got to work 18 hour days.

And on top of that, we've got to use this levelling powder.

Sounds dangerous. Yeah, too right.

Yeah, one of my men,

Rrrrrrrrrbitbot, got his horn blown off.

Well, you should fight back. You, my friend, are being exploited.

I think it's your round.

(GROANING)

Are you OK?

It's that vicious throck - came at me with his beak,

caught me by surprise.

Mm. Help me!

I must get back to the Keep.

(GROANS)

Erm, your wing's broken.

Does this hurt?

(SCREAMS)

What about this bit?

(SCREAMS)

Yeah, just a bit.

So I've got five days to get to the City Of A Thousand Towers.

It's tight, Brian, but there's still hope.

Could I get there by horse?

Too dangerous.

What about by ship? Well, maybe.

That's never been tried.

Why not? It's inland, across a desert.

Well that's it, then, I'll never get home.

Of course, there is one way

you could be transported to another world.

Go on.

Using the magic...of the theatre!

Oh, I just met these idiots in the square. Awful people.

But what they do is so clever.

They pretend someone's being stabbed.

Then, in the end, they haven't been.

Except for two years ago.

Brutal business, theatre.

The last play I went to see was Hamlet when I was at school.

Four hours long and my arse has never forgiven me.

This is the famous Munty Play!

Specially written each year,

then performed all across the Western Marches.

Hang on.

It says here's they're playing the City Of A Thousand Towers!

Their solstice spectacular.

That's how I get there! I'll go with them!

I wonder where they are.

Ah, you know what players are like.

They'll head straight

to the cheapest, shoddiest tavern in town.

Greetings, landlord. Three large ales.

Do you take credit?

Allow me.

Hello. Hi.

Brian Weaver.

Keep talking.

I dunno what you're talking about! It wasn't me!

You can't prove it anyway!

What is this place?

Just a shop.

Full of lots of perfectly legal things.

Howell, look, it's his wing.

It hurts here. Ow!

And here.

(SCREAMS)

Fairy magic. It's very difficult.

Oh, can you help? Oh, please?

Well, I'll give it a go.

Wings heal!

Wings mend!

Tricky. Wings fix!

Krunt.

Wings, back to how they were in the first place!

Ha! There you go. Any better?

(SCREAMS)

Bloody nightmare.

Tom has absolutely left us in the lurch.

What's happened to him?

He's gone. He just left. To become a woodcutter.

Said he was just a lamppost.

(SCOFFS)

Well, without Tom, we've got no-one to hang out the leaflets,

or set up the theatre, or cook, or clean, or wash our clothes,

or hand out the refunds.

He didn't even pick up the play.

I could help out.

Huge responsibility, Brian.

Huge.

I could be the new Tom.

I could come with you guys all the way to the...

..City Of A Thousand Towers.

Well, you'd have to muck out the horses.

And de-louse the wigs.

Sounds OK.

And of course you'd have to apply my anti-fungal cream.

Yep, love to. Definitely.

I'm not sure you're up to it, Brian.

Oh, I love the theatre.

Sure. Love it.

And it would be a huge honour to work with you guys.

Plus everyone round here says that you're the best actor

in the whole...area.

Mm...

Well, I mean, we're a collective, but I think I can speak

for all of us when I say, welcome abroad, Brian.

Welcome to the most important job in showbusiness.

See the play, tomorrow night, one night only.

Take in a play, sir. The Brevit Players are in town, miss.

Don't forget to see the play tomorrow night. One night only.

Play?

Yes?

I'm here to pick up the play.

Excellent. Come in!

Here it is.

Wait! It's not finished yet.

I have been struggling with the ending

for the last three months.

(GASPS)I have it!

The end.

There.

The Saga Of Olaf The Bendy. Is there only one copy?

Course. Do you think I'm made of arms?

See, the wild throck is attracted into the alley by the cheese.

It then enters into the magical circle,

whereupon the petrifying spell is activated,

encasing said creature in a block of granite!

(LAUGHS)

Are you doing pest control now, Howell?

Humane street management, Steg. For money.

In that case, you can pay your...

How does he do that?!

Same again, Herman.

After all, I am celebrating with my orc brethren, yes!

Thanks to my leadership, a petition is being presented

to the authorities as we speak.

Those players gone?

Yeah, thank Krunt. They were getting on my nerves.

I thought you wanted more customers.

Not actors, or orcs. Everyone else is very welcome.

(EVERYONE QUIETS)

(GROANS)

I'll take a large sherry and two halves of beer, please.

What are you doing bringing a fairy in my pub?

His name's Chestnut, and he's my friend.

Are you mad? Get him out of here.

That is very extremely rude, Herman!

Come on, Chestnut, we're leaving!

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(RUSTLING)

Hello?

Who's there?

(THROCK GROWLS)

(THROCK ROARS) Ah, ah!

Oh, no, not the script!

(YELLS) No!

Sadness.

Oooh...

Oh, Brian, my boy! Did you get the text?

Oh, erm...

No, there's a slight problem.

What, there's no play?

Well, it's not that important, is it?

I mean, there are loads of plays.

Maybe you could just do last year's one again?

You can't repeat a play! It's treason.

Remember what happened to The Pockle Strollers?

(BOTH INHALE SHARPLY)

So what, why hasn't he written it?

He's written it. He's written it, has he?

He's written it, he's just making sure that it's really good.

Mm-hm.

So he will definitely have it done by tomorrow.

Tomorrow? We're on tomorrow.

Morning, tomorrow morning.

Yeah, we're...we're rehearsing from 7am!

Exactly! That's when he'll do it. That's when it'll be here.

Uh-huh? Yep.

Well, a bit more leafleting, then, from you, isn't it? Right?

Off you pop.

Yeah, uh, Brian, are these wigs going to de-louse themselves?

No. No?

Oh. Oh, oh, right! Yeah.

Bit quicker.

Door!

Pompous!

Pompous?! How am I pompous?

Oh, right.

Alright, Bri? No. Really no. It's the play.

Ah, can't wait. The entire town'll be there.

And the Protector, he never misses it.

Well, funny story, the play sort of got totally destroyed.

What?! But the entire town'll be there!

And the Protector, he never misses it.

I know!

Now I need to rewrite a whole new version

by tomorrow morning

or bang goes my lift to the City Of A Thousand Towers.

Do you know anything about The Saga Of Olaf The Bendy?

Love that story! It's a classic!

Alright, Brian, get this down.

Now, there's these three brothers who go off to get their fortune.

Now, Olaf, the eldest brother, he goes off to this golden palace.

No, it's not three brothers. It's three palaces.

Course, that's it. Yeah.

Inside the gold palace is a dragon, silver one has a witch.

And in the third palace there's a princess.

What was that made of? I want to say...biscuits?

Anyway, Olaf tricks the dragon into eating the witch.

No, no, no. The princess tricks the dragon.

So where does the frog come in? Well, the frog turns into a dragon.

Who eats the biscuits!

No, no, no. The princess eats the biscuits.

Oh, forget it. No, no, no. It's always the frog!

No. I'll do it myself.

It was the frog who's watching, and the dragon...

There we go.

Oh, what's the point?

I can't fly. My fairy days are over.

Stay positive!

Let me read your palm.

This is your lifeline.

There's a fork.

Oh!

I see a big decision ahead.

Oh?

I'm not sure what this line is.

It's a scar. Got it from punching someone.

Well, I'm sure you had your reasons.

Nah.

What's this one?

Another scar. This one?

That's a scratch, but it'll probably become a scar.

Well, at least your heart line is strong.

(BONES CRUNCH) Too tight.

Oh, sorry. (LAUGHS)

(EXHALES) Sorry.

And now...we wait.

Yonder lies the Gold Palace.

Will I save the princess and be the hero?

Be...

To be or not to be, that is the question.

(ROOSTER CROWS)

Argh!

Krunt!

Hm.

Double Krunt.

(SIGHS)

(CLOCK DINGS)

Well, a very interesting take on the Saga Of Olaf The Bendy.

Is it?

Yeah. Pretty edgy stuff.

Yeah, well, Fenton said that he wanted to give you guys

something more challenging,

as you were the best actors he's ever worked with.

Those were his words.

He's a bloody good writer. That's Fenton.

Well, I think it's time we got it on its feet

and add some meat to the bones.

I'll let you get on with it. Sure.

Oh, well, what about the fishmonger scene?

What?

There's always a funny fishmonger scene.

Oh, yeah. No, oh.

Yeah, Fenton's dropping that this year, so...

He's dropping the most popular part of the play, is he?

No. No?

No, not the most popular, but he's going to drop it off later.

Oh! Oh! Yeah.

Dropping it off? Yeah, yeah. He's working on it now.

He's just making it really...

It's going to be so funny. Great.

A funny fishmonger. Yeah.

Yeah. How can it not be?

Exactly! Well...

Excellent. Alright.

Well, in that case...

Anti-fungal cream, and on we crack.

I am absolutely furious!

(GROWLS)

Large glass of salt water, please, mate. Extra salt.

Everything alright?

We all signed that petition, yeah?

Me, Rrrrrginbob and Thhhheeebojab

and Heee...

Skip the names.

We gave it to the Protector and he threw it back in our faces!

Guess how much he's cut our larva rations by?

Half? More.

A third? No wait, that's less.

No, all of it. (GASPS)

Now we've got no rations and we've got no breaks.

He's put us on half pay. I give up.

No! Never give up! You've got to fight back.

Show the Protector he can't treat you that way.

But how?

You know that levelling powder?

Yeah, I can't work without it.

What if it accidentally disappeared?

Oh!

I like it, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to do it. Thanks, Steg.

Yeah, my pleasure, Fffffffkenbub.

Stupid name. Yep.

Oh, Chestnut!

Ooh, what a lovely big bunch of flowers.

I know, I'm starving.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, look how much better your wing is.

You'll be flying again in no time. Yeah.

(FLUTTERING)

Oi, Chestnut. Where you been?

His wing's broken!

Fairy with a broken wing. You disgust me!

Hand over your prisoner.

She's not a prisoner. Her name's Barbara.

And she's my...friend.

Friend? Punch her! (GASPS)

Come along, Barbara. We don't have to listen to this.

Mock them!

Bad fairy!

Why don't you fly away? Oh, I forgot, you can't!

(ALL LAUGH)

Ah! (CLICKS TONGUE)

Get up! There you go. Steady.

Steady.

That's it, yeah.

And stop!

(LAUGHS) Yes!

(FOGHORN SOUNDS) (LAUGHS)

I thought you were going to catch the throck?

What and miss the play?

Never!

I put a spell of irresistibility on a piece of cheese.

If the trap is triggered, this'll go off.

Ruler of the Western Marches, the gardener of all human happiness,

his serene masterfulness,

bow your heads for the Lord Protector!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)(HORN PLAYS)

(HORN CONTINUES)

(HORN CONTINUES)

Silence!

Thank you.

Clap!

Start the play! Now!

Break a leg. What?

Break a leg. Why would you say that?

Ah, Olaf, my son,

it's time for you to go out into the world and seek your fortune.

Yes, Father.

Yonder there are three palaces made of gold,

silver and possibly biscuits.

Inside these, you'll find some of the following -

witches, princesses, dragons and frogs - so look out for them.

I will, Fa... Good lad.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Yes, that is the question. A very good question.

Elementary, my dear Olaf.

Once you have removed everything else,

what's left has to be the answer.

They do say that life is like a box of chocolates,

you never know what you're going to get.

(LAUGHTER)

Olaf, you must leave the gold palace before the Dark Lord arrives.

So we meet again, young Olaf!

I used to be like you.

Now I'm your master.

Produce your light stick.

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

You murdered my father.

No, Olaf, I am your father.

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

So maybe you're going to be the one that saves me.

But after all, you're my wonder wall.

And then we danced all night to the best song ever.

I think it went - oh, oh, oh.

I think it went - yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was the best song ever.

I think it's time to go to the fishmongers!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

I'm going to wipe that smile off his face.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

You call that a hake? (AUDIENCE CHEERS, LAUGHS)

It might be time to leave now.

Huh?

Well, I've done what you suggested.

I've stuck a whole keg of levelling powder

under the Protector's chair.

Boom! What?!

(GASPS) Look, it's healed!

Doesn't matter. I'm never going back.

I'm done being a fairy.

I want to be with you, Barbara.

Steg, what are you doing?

Trying to find a way out.

Why? You know, just do a bit of shopping.

What?

Plus there might be a bomb in the building.

Might?!

Is. Uh...

Lovely jubbly. Olaf, you plonker!

Listen! Listen, everyone!

We've got to get out of here.

There's a bomb in the theatre!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) No, I'm being serious!

This place is going to blow sky high!

(LAUGHTER)

HYSTERIC: We're all going to die!

(LAUGHING INTENSIFIES)

(EXPLOSION)

What's that? Levelling powder, at the theatre?!

That's a category one incident.

Still, nothing to do with me.

Go, Chestnut. They need you.

Go and be a fairy.

I'll never forget you, Barbara.

(SIGHS) Bye.

The coach?!

No matter.

But how are we supposed to get to the City Of A Thousand Towers?

Yeah, but don't you see, Brian? We don't need a coach.

We can go anywhere we like using the magic of theatre!

Fuck off!

Somebody here has tried to assassinate the Protector,

and therefore is guilty of treason.

(FOGHORN) I'm going to find out who that is.

(FOGHORN)

And by the time I'm finished with you all...

(FOGHORN) What is that noise?!

It's me, sorry.

(FOGHORN)

(FOGHORN STOPS)

Caught the throck.

There's a few sovs coming my way. Shut it!

Sorry, sorry.

Now, I want to know who did this.

Here's the guilty party!

I grabbed him as he was being attacked by this throck.

I knew you could do it, Chestnut.

Shut it!

Welcome back, Chestnut.

Now, don't let anyone out.

So if that's the throck, what's eaten my cheese?

I've got to say, you did a brilliant job on that play, Brian.

Loved the barman character. What an idiot!

Where did you get your ideas from?

You cost me my reward money.

Don't blame me, blame Barbara's boyfriend.

He's just a friend.

Well, I did get a reward from the Protector

for saving his life,

so drinks are on me.

You are alright, Brian. I have always said so.

Top it up, Herman.

What's this?

It's a petition. Look at their stupid orc names.

Thhhhpepor. (LAUGHS)

Oh, what's this drawing on the back?

That's the Protector's building plans.

(GASPS) He's building a henge!

Capable of storing vast amounts of magic.

Isn't a vast amount of magic exactly what I need to cross worlds?

A powerful blast of magical energy from the henge,

coupled with the super solstice, plus a large fee...

Brian!

I think I can get you home.

# And we danced all night

# To the best song ever

# We knew every line

# Now I can't remember

# How it goes but I know

# That I won't forget her

# 'Cause we danced all night

# To the best song ever

# I think it went "oh, oh, oh"

# I think it went "yeah, yeah, yeah"

# I think it goes

# Whoo!

# Best song ever

# It was the best song ever. #

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation