Original subtitles

We will soon be within sight of Munty.

What will he be like, this man we seek?

A warrior?

He may...

If he has travelled from another world,

he will possess extraordinary powers.

We underestimate him at our peril.

Urgh!

Is it Steg?

Urgh, urgh!

I give up.

(SIGHS) A troll!

Trolls don't have cabbage on their heads.

What am I doing?

I need to get out, I need to meet new people.

That's the exciting thing about running a pub,

you never know who's going to walk through that door.

Herman.

What a surprise.

I'm actually here most days, Brian.

You're always here, Barbara's always here.

Back on my world I used to have loads of mates.

There was the work gang, old school friends, five-a-side team.

And the supermodels. (SHEEPISHLY) Yep.

No-one new ever comes in here.

Wait till tonight,

the pub's 15th anniversary party.

15 years!

I'll never forget opening night. You couldn't move in here.

That busy?

Nah, the varnish on the floor hadn't dried.

Well, Herman, I'm excited.

Now, will there be dancing?

No. Music?

Not really my thing. Are you doing anything?

I'll be serving a special limited edition drink -

The Foaming Surprise.

As long as it's not just an excuse

to use all your out-of-date drinks, Herman.

It'll be a celebration of proper old school tavernry,

not like that poncey place down by the harbour.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Trendy people trying to be cool. Pawing each other?

Eurgh. Yeah, sounds rubbish.

Herman, let me do you a reading

to find out how successful your party will be.

Is that tumbleweed?

Yes. It's the tumbleweed of happiness and good times.

Great.

I mean, who needs trendy, cool bars anyway, hey, Bri?

Brian?

Hmmm.

This really is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Slasher.

To buy a stone?

This isn't just any old stone,

it is a Shield Stone.

Only a dozen ever made.

It will protect you against everything.

Axes, swords, knives...

Howell... ..harpoons, nunchucks,

really sharp fruit.

I get it. And insults...

..written on a piece of parchment, wrapped round a rock

and fired in your face by a catapult.

I'll get to the point, shall I? Mm-hm.

The cost.

I am not asking 1,000 sovereigns.

I am not even asking 999.

I would not insult you with 998,

let alone 997.

996? You're having a laugh!

995, this is going to go on forever.

I'm looking for 850. 500.

Little on the low side. 500!

Done.

Now, I'm going to be seeing my contact later this afternoon,

so I'll need the money up-front.

If you let me down, do you know what I'll do?

Laugh it off and turn it into a light-hearted anecdote?

I'll make you wear my special hat.

A free reading, sir?

A free reading, madam?

A free reading...? No, I don't think so.

Rina?

Barbara?

Rina!

I haven't seen you since school.

You look well.

Thank you. And...and you look, um...

..as well.

What are you doing in Munty?

Oh, business, just a flying visit,

a couple of meetings with some high-end merchants

and then back home to The City of a Thousand Towers.

Oh, wow. Mmm.

How about you?

Oh, uh, I'm busy, very busy.

I...I'm very, very, uh, busy.

Do you fancy a mint tea?

Yeah.

Oh, great.

Um, we'll meet at the Golden Sponge.

It's lovely, do you know it?

It's in Scag Alley.

OK.

Oh, great.

And that'll give me time to close up here.

Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

Can I help?

Oh, is this the new bar? Yes.

Are you open? Yes.

Great. Can I come in?

Sorry, there's a strict admissions policy.

Oh, come on, mate, look, I've got a shirt and tie on and everything.

(SNIFFS) Hmm, where are you from?

Um, Isleworth?

It's in Middlesex, it's...

I mean, I don't know why I'm trying to explain it to you,

you wouldn't have heard of it.

No, go on.

Well, it's in another universe or world or something.

Another world?

Hmm.

Well, it's a very exclusive bar.

Yeah, whatever.

And...

..you'll be most welcome.

So, um, may I see the item?

Of course. I have it here.

And, uh, nobody else knows about this?

You're the first person I contacted.

Good.

Best to keep it discreet.

Mmm.

Hm-mm.

Ooh!

I do need to know that it is,

beyond question,

a genuine Shield Stone.

Of course.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hit me. I beg your pardon?

Hit me.

Oh, yeah, of course. (CLEARS THROAT)

(METALLIC CLANK)

Harder.

(CLANK) Hit me properly.

Shall we talk numbers?

A stone like this doesn't come cheap,

as you can see, it is powerful.

So I can't take anything less than...50 sovs.

50?! Sorry, Howell.

That's my final offer or I walk.

Could I just take a moment, please?

(QUIETLY LAUGHS)

50, oh!

Well, it is a lot of money.

And I mean a lot of money.

And I mean a lot of money.

But because I like you...

..I'll take it.

Done.

Nice doing business with you.

Hmm.

Good day.

(CACKLES)

I done it, I'm up!

I'm up 450 sovs!

(CACKLES)

I love you, me!

I'm here to collect the vase.

Hmm.

You probably wouldn't notice

but there is a tiny little chip on the bottom.

Then I sold all the goods, quadrupled my money

and bought a luxury penthouse suite.

I love sweets.

It turns out I have a natural flare for business.

But, anyway, what about you?

You run that little stall?

That's not my stall,

I was just minding it for a friend.

The sign does say "Soothsayer Barbara".

It's another Barbara, it's a different Barbara.

I actually run a high-end soothsaying centre

on the other side of town.

And I have a lot of land.

Really? What do you grow?

Grass, cows.

Cows eat the grass, people eat the cows.

It must be hard having such a diverse portfolio.

I mean, how do you manage your quarterly cash flow?

Yeah, uh, really well

as it goes, yeah,

I'm just really happy with all that stuff, hmm.

Do you know what's happening in Brevitt?

Yes. The new water park with the big slides and...

No, no, no, the business opportunity.

Yes! Just remind me.

They're expanding the gas mines, there's so much money to be made.

I can get you in if you want.

It's guaranteed to double your money.

Guaranteed?

100 sovereigns to buy in.

I mean, that's nothing to a successful woman like you.

No, of course not.

Here's an idea -

why don't we go in as partners, 50 sovs each?

Yes!

Um, when would you need that by?

Oh, by tonight.

That shouldn't be a problem with your quarterly cash flow?

No.

Oh! (GIGGLES)

It's so nice being able to help an old friend.

(GIGGLES)

BRIAN: It's so quiet you can hear a pin drop.

I take a deep breath,

I hit a topspin serve to Federer's backhand,

he returns, rushes to the net,

I lob him, he recovers,

then I hit a passing shot,

boom, straight on the chalk.

And I've won Wimbledon again.

Astonishing. Yeah.

And then I rushed into the crowd to hug my mum.

Judy? That's right. Yeah.

And my girlfriend, Kim.

Kardashian? Yep.

Ah, great times.

You alright? Yeah, another drink?

Oh, yes, thank you.

What are you drinking? Tomato juice?

Yes.

Uh, so tell me more about your time on this dancing competition.

Oh, after Craig Revel Horwood said that my waltz was 'lacklustre',

I knew I had to step up my game.

Do you know what came next?

The Argentine tango.

Oh! Oh!

Fresh fish! Lovely fish!

Howell. Alright, Lambo. Always a pleasure.

I thought I might like to purchase a little something.

What do you want?

I got boomers, whiffers, rainbows...

Three pieces of fish please, sir.

Today, I thought I'd like something a little bit more up-market.

Oh.

Well, for the truly discerning customer,

I do have a batch of genuine...

..dragon's teeth.

Molars? Incisors.

Ohhhhh!

(MURMURS) They're very expensive

but very extra... Yes, please!

..ordinary

Licky, licky.

Lovely fresh fish!

And that was on your rumba that Ola was so worried about?

Yeah, but we were through to the next round - Blackpool.

(SIGHS)

This is more like it.

New people, new place.

To new friends.

Cheers.

Actually, Brian, um, there's a special party here later,

and I'd love for you to come.

Brilliant!

I'd be honoured.

Um, where are the toilets?

Oh, they're just out the back.

Is that the one from the other world?

Yes. He'll be here tonight.

I can't wait.

HOWELL: Ha-ha, it's fizzing!

It's fizzing in my toes,

it's fizzing in my legs and my elbows...

What's up with him?

It's that dragon's tooth.

Imagine a children's party

where you give each kid a sack of sugar and a glass of treacle

and then put all of that inside Howell's head.

I'm going to go outside and lift up the pub.

(GIGGLES)

Are you going to come and watch? (SNORTS)

I thought you had to go see Slasher Morgan.

Yes. Slasher. Exactly. Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah. Slasher. Yeah. I'm going to run there.

No, I'm not, I'm going to hop because my right leg is so strong!

Boing! Boing! Boing! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-hee-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-hee!

(IN THE DISTANCE) And keep going for at least five weeks.

Come on lads, let's party.

15 years!

Today's a celebration!

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to stick around.

What? Brian, it's no party without you.

My big evening.

My favourite customer.

Thanks.

After Barbara.

Thanks.

Brian.

Alright, I'll stay.

Oh, thanks Brian.

I tell you what, I'll get yous both

one of my legendary Foaming Surprises.

(SIGHS)

You alright? Yeah.

Brian, what's going on?

Oh, hi.

I thought you were coming to our party tonight.

Yeah, uh. Yeah, no, uh... Something came up.

Mm-hm, it's just my, um, my sister, Jay-Caan, was desperate to meet you.

Brian.

I've heard so much about you.

Please, come with us, it would mean so much to me.

Yeah, I reckon I could swing by.

Hi. I'm Steg, uh, Brian's...

..best friend.

So, this, uh, party, uh, can I come, please?

Well, it's a numbers thing, sorry.

Typical prejudice.

Just cause I'm half giant, half dwarf.

Of course, uh, how rude of me, Steg.

You must come with us, I insist.

(WHISPERS) Yes!

Here we are lads, two Foaming...

..Surprises

Evening, Slasher!

I hopped all the way here!

Right, a genuine Shield Stone renders the holder totally unharmabubble.

Cor, that's not easy to say!

Uh, uh, uh, oof!

It better be worth 500 sovs.

How does it work? Right, I'll give you a demonstration.

I hold this and you...

No, even better, you hold it.

Yeah, here you go. Right, I need a thing.

Oh, that'll do.

Are you alright? Yeah! I feel brilliant.

You're going to love this.

It's a fake.

Herman, listen, I'm meeting my old school friend, Rina,

and she thinks I'm a successful businesswoman,

which I am, so play along.

Right.

And, um, I'm giving her this.

It's my life savings.

She says she can double it in a week.

So you're giving your life savings

to someone you haven't seen in 10 years,

who says that she can double it in a week?

Yes.

Good plan.

Barbara, hi.

Rina!

This is my table.

Ah, lovely.

So...

..do you have the money?

Yes, very extremely exciting doing a deal.

I mean, I mean, I do these all the time, don't I, Herman?

That's right, Barbara the businesswoman.

Mm-hm, so, what are you going to do with the profits?

I'm going to buy a pony.

(LAUGHS) Oh, think big Barbara.

Um, two ponies.

Pickled beaks on the house.

Barbara, does all her meetings here,

one of my most loyal customers.

If it wasn't for her and Howell...

Howell?

Yes, he has a shop on Fish Head Lane, he practically lives here.

He'll be here in a second.

Now, allow me to fix you lovely ladies

a couple of my very special Foaming Surprises.

Ooh! Mm.

You know, we should go somewhere else.

Why?

We're celebrating,

let's go somewhere that's, uh, you know, better.

But it's Herman's big night.

Just for a bit. Drinks on me.

Well, there is this new place by the dock.

Sounds perfect, let's go, come on.

OK.

Hey!

So, while the Nazis were still watching the singing contest,

we sneaked out the back.

A bunch of nuns helped us into Switzerland over the mountains.

Was there much blood?

Not really.

Oh, shame.

I killed a bear once.

Really? Yeah.

With an axe. It was massive.

Blood everywhere, spurting all over the place like red...

..blood. Lots of...

..blood.

Is your eye alright?

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Give us some room will you, Brian? You're embarrassing yourself.

Did you see that thing with her eyes?

Bit weird.

What is this place?

Maybe it's not your scene, you should probably go.

I mean, why did they invite us?

They want our bodies, Brian.

Well, they want mine anyway. They can't get enough of The Steg.

(UNDER BREATH) If you say so.

Yes?

Hello, um, I was wondering... Sorry, private party.

Oh, well, back to the pub? (CLEARS THROAT)

I am the Lady Rina,

purebred, highborn of the House of Obank,

and I demand entry.

Royalty.

Of course, you must come in.

When I opened this pub, 15 years ago,

little did I know what a success it would be.

Sorry, is the local planning applications board?

That's next door.

BOTH: Oh.

So you're not here to object

to the protector's new building project?

No.

It's just, it is going to block quite a lot of our light.

Yeah.

So you're from the City of a Thousand Towers?

Yes, I have a luxury penthouse,

been in the family for years.

I'd love to hear more about your royal heritage.

Hmm, yeah.

Actually, would you like to come somewhere more private?

Oooh, yes!

I'll just wait here, shall I?

You alright? Yeah.

Howell! I knew you'd make it!

You OK? No.

I owe 500 sovs to Slasher Morgan.

I'm a dead man.

If I ever find that Rina!

Rina?

Barbara's friend, Rina?

Big hair, fancy robes?

She was in her earlier.

Where is she now?

Probably at that trendy new bar with everyone else.

Of course.

Howell, you're my only loyal customer,

and I'm going to reward you

with a special, extra-large Foaming Surprise!

I'm coming for you, Rina...

..with my fast running.

I am so speed, ha!

Howell!

(SIGHS)

Actually, I will have that drink.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Great party.

Where's Rina? She's gone.

Really?

Rina?

Rina?

Rina?

Rina?

Rina!

Howell!

Barbara! What are you doing here?

I'm looking for Rina, she ripped me off.

I don't think so, she's a very good friend of mine.

She's a con artist.

She's a successful businesswoman

which is why I have given her all of my life savings

for an incredible business opportunity

that she will double my money in one week

and she's a con artist, isn't she?

Where is she?

Well, she must be in there.

Rina?

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Oh! What is it?

Desrati bloodsuckers.

This is a feeding chamber.

But doesn't that mean that we're in terrible danger?

That is very well put, yes, Barbara.

Shouldn't we lock the door?

Yes, we should.

(THEY SCREAM)

Shhh. Shh, shh, shh.

What has happened to her?

They've drunk her dry.

We've got to get out of here.

I'll get Brian and Steg, you find a way out.

(QUIETLY SQUEALS)

I suppose what I miss the most

is a place where you can get, sort of, good, comfortable socks.

You're actually quite close there, mate.

Yeah.

I might just pop out for a bit of fresh air.

Oh, I'll come too. No, there's really no need.

You're not leaving, are you?

We're such good friends,

we should do this all the time, forever.

Right.

You must stay.

I just need to borrow Brian because I need some help in the toilet.

We'll be back in a mo'.

Thirsty? Oh, yes.

(THEY HISS)

What are you doing? I'm looking for the Shield Stone.

I was in there, she was all over me.

Why have you dragged us in here? Shut the door!

(THEY SCREAM)

Shhh.

What's happened to her?

Desrati bloodsuckers!

Who?

Those people.

Right, well, I'm getting out of here.

The only way out is through the bar, we'll never make it.

There's no way out?

(SCREAMS) Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Why don't you just use magic?

Brilliant, of course! I'm a wizard.

(LAUGHS)

Crumbs, no wand.

(GLASS SMASHES)

So, what's the plan?

Rina had a Shield Stone,

it makes the holder completely inexpugnable.

If I can find it,

I can get through there, grab me wand

and summon you all to safety.

It'll be in her bag.

Is this it? Yes!

Are these all Shield Stones?

Those, Steg, are fakes,

used to defraud honest and hardworking magicians.

Well, how do we know which is the real one?

Hold this.

Ow!

Well, it's not that one.

Hold this.

Ay, hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, think about it.

Why would she mix the fakes with the real one?

What about this one?

(CLANKS)

That's it! They can't touch me.

(LAUGHS) Right, just make some final preparations.

Right, I'm going to go out there,

I'm going to run out really, really fast

and they won't be able to handle it

'cause I'm really, really strong and really, really powerful.

So, let's do this, wah!

Yes!

Come on then you blood suckers.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

You can't have me, can you?

No, you cannot. See this Shield Stone?

Yeah, I'm unharmabubble, now that's not easy to say

when you're dragon-toothed off your nut!

This is all your fault, bringing us here.

I came here to get away from you.

Anyway, who was the one drooling all over Jay-Caan?

(CLANK)

(CLANK)

(CLANK)

(IRONICALLY) Ow.

You've got the real Shield Stone. Have I?

Oh. Weird.

So, what's Howell got?

Ooh-ooh, ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh.

(THEY HISS)

Aaaaah!

He'll be fine. Give me that!

Ah, replenishing lost fluids.

Did they drink your blood?

Yeah, a little bit. Hmm.

Might be overdoing the dragon's tooth.

Blood's a bit tangy.

So, it was like a wine tasting,

only they were trying to find the rarest blood.

Mine.

Oh, I do feel sorry for Rina, though,

even if she was a cheating, doublecrossing, scheming,

deceitful, two-faced liar.

Yeah, same as everybody from The City of a Thousand Towers.

What's so bad about it?

It's alright if you like huge cities.

And expensive restaurants and clubs.

Gambling dens, flash clothes, loose women.

Why has no-one told me about this place before?

How do I get to this City of a Thousand Towers place?

Coach. It's not cheap, though.

I'll save up.

Hey, I might even be able to find a decent magician

that can send me back home.

What, better than Howell?

Where is he, by the way?

So, slightly later than advertised,

after a few minor misunderstandings,

one genuine Shield Stone.

Well, I guess that makes us quits.

Almost.

Almost?

Aargh! (GONG CRASHES)

Now we're quits.

# Here they come

# The beautiful ones

# The beautiful ones

# La-la-la-la

# Here they come

# The beautiful ones

# The beautiful ones

# Oh, oh, you don't think about it

# You don't do without it

# Because you're beautiful

# La-da-da-da-da. #

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation