Original subtitles

Why is Munty so dangerous?

Ever since I've got here,

I've been punched, headbutted, pecked, forced to fight a giant.

I need some protection.

You should have been a warrior like I was.

Great life.

Well, don't become a stupid soothsayer.

It's a complete waste of time.

Do you know how many customers I've got?

None.

I had one regular one but she's gone.

What happened to her?

(SIGHS) I predicted she'd go on a long journey.

And? She fell off a cliff.

Onto a boat.

She's probably half way to Vodkof by now.

I'll tell you how to protect yourself, Brian.

I am after all well accounted

with the martial arts of the horse people.

I'll show you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Stand like this.

(PANTS TEAR) Ah! Oh, Crunt!

Brilliant!

And then, while they're all laughing, you peg it.

(LOUD THUDS)

What do you reckon, Brian? Fancy a game of darts?

Just like you said.

17's missing. Ah.

That explains why it goes up to 21.

Here you are, Bri.

Show us how you beat that bloke, Phil Taylor.

Oh, it's a bit of rust.

That's just what we need round here, a bit of fun.

Brian said that the players walk round with nicknames

on the back of their shirts.

What's yours again, Bri?

Erm, Brian 'the Dream' Weaver.

Is that 11? Yeah, happy with that.

Greetings!

Whoa, whoa...

Hey, no bringing in your own food.

This isn't food, Herman, this is business.

An extremely rare saurus egg.

And I've got a buyer all lined up,

just need to keep it nice and cold.

Do us a favour and stick it in your cellar?

Stolen, is it?

Harvested, Steg,

from the moss caves of Fang Tooth Mountain.

He was the only one.

I tell ya, got pretty poky up there.

I had to use some serious magical protection.

That's what I need, magical protection!

Fancy teaching me some magic, Howell?

Sadly, Brian, the code of the magician's guild forbids it.

I can pay. When do you want to start?

Nice and easy, Brian, take your time.

We don't want to waste any.

Ah!

Now what?

One, I want you to add the botanicals.

Now we need to lower the temperature a little bit,

so I want you to pop in two or three ice crystals.

That's it, you're doing great, son.

Two, now I want you to pass it very, very carefully to me.

What is it?

Oh, it's delicious, cheers.

Keep them coming!

I think there's something wrong with these darts.

Can I have a go?

Haven't you got anything better to do?

No.

I haven't.

I've got no customers,

and this soothsaying business is totally extremely rubbish.

(SIGHS) Is that good?

Erm, it's alright...

Nice one, Barbara.

You're pretty good at that, aren't ya?

Course, you've got a height advantage

and your arms are longer.

Plus, my leg's still playing up.

It's so cramped in here.

Are you happy now?

Yes.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Cross breeze.

Right, now, Brian, there are several key things

you need to know about wands.

Wands come in all shapes and sizes, boy.

Some are big and some are small.

Some are THICK

and some are...

Thin? Yes, yes.

Very good, Brian. You're learning.

Yeah, but I'm not, though, am I?

You're just wasting my time.

Brian, I know what I'm doing, I'm licensed mage.

Whose name is above the door?

Yours?

(SURPRISED) It's mine!

Yeah, look, shouldn't I have some equipment or something?

Yes, you should, excellent point.

What's that?

Three sovs - special student price.

Yeah, what about this one?

The Saucy Secrets Of The Mages.

Not that one, Brian. You're a little bit young for that.

(BUZZING) Whoa! Don't touch that!

These are sting bugs, Brian.

Lethal venom, but the honey...

Oh, unbelievable.

Shut up.

Right then, tomorrow we are going to be dealing

with the essential subject of wand hygiene.

Shall we settle up? Yeah.

I'll give you the money...

when you start teaching me some actual magic!

(GRUNTS) 140.

It's easier for you, I've got the sun in my eyes

and I'm wearing tight clothing.

Stop it. Right, double 19.

(CRACKING)

Herman, can you keep the noise down?

Not me, Steg.

(CRACKING) Oh, what is that?

(CRACKING)

(WHIMPERS)

(GURGLES)

What is that?

(CRIES SOFTLY)

When I count down from three, I want you to release the vase...

..issue your command.

You ready?

Yes.

Three, two, one...

Go! Suspend!

(LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY)

I'm doing it, I'm bloody doing it!

Concentrate, Brian!

Oh.

Why don't you waft it around the room a little bit?

Sling it over to the left.

(LAUGHS)

That's it, and over to the right.

Cor, fabulous technique.

And bring it slowly down, back on the desk.

(EXHALES LOUDLY) Cor!

That was amazing! What a buzz, eh?

Cor! Can we do it again? Oh, no, no, no.

We need to give the universe a little bit of a break.

Can't have the cosmic energy spiralling out of control.

That don't bare thinking about, does it?

That cost me double 19 to check out, and then that happened.

(YELLS) Crunt!

Your egg's hatched.

What did you do?

Uh, single 8, double 15.

Anyway, it's your problem, not mine.

Anons! (CRIES)

(STOPS CRYING)

(CRIES)

(STOPS CRYING)

(CRIES)

Not again!

When it hatched, were you the first thing it saw?

Yeah, why?

It thinks your its mummy.

What?!

No, no, no, I'm not ready for parenthood.

I'm too young, I've got things to do.

You've got to get this thing out of here.

Go on, take it.

Clear off.

And don't worry, they mature very quickly -

from birth to adulthood in six hours.

Just make sure it gets lots of sleep.

Don't forget to set boundaries!

Aren't you supposed to be selling that egg?

Um, no, because...

..I've got another one!

You said there was only one. Only two, I said.

You want to get your ears cleaned out.

How would you like to be invisible?

Really? Yeah, really invisible.

Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Shall we, do it? Yeah.

OK, pop round the back and find me these ingredients.

That will make you invisible for a bit.

Huh? Nothing.

Egg. Big.

Hm. Yeah, that's close enough.

(GRUNTS) Come on.

It's your favourite - mushed up flies and beetles.

(GRUNTS)

Easy, Barbara, careful with the darts.

Will you stop fussing over that stupid lizard?!

Raising a baby is a big responsibility.

(GRUNTS) Here comes the troll into the cave.

Come on!

(LOVINGLY) Who's a clever boy?

Random search, nobody move.

(LAUGHS) Ugly baby!

Two sherries now.

What's this? Unauthorised weapons?

They're called darts, it's a game, you throw them.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

At the board.

Stand aside.

20. 3.

Have I won?

Yes.

Good, I like this game.

Fun. (LAUGHS)

Two more sherries. (YELLS) Now!

Give me the arrows I want another go.

(YELLS) Champion!

Right, I've got the ingredients,

let's get invisible.

What?

Oh, yeah, course. Yes. (LAUGHS) You did have two eggs.

Looks like a giant chicken egg.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Stupid boy!

It's absolutely a genuine saurous egg, last one.

In order to make your invisibility potion,

I just need to pop out and get one final ingredient.

Brilliant.

Ah, the problem is I'm expecting someone to come and collect the egg.

I could wait here for you.

Oh, that's very good of you, Bri.

The problem is he'll only deal with me.

Erm...

Well, I could go and get the ingredient.

Great!

The problem is you don't know

how to gather necrotic fungus leaves, do you?

No.

Oh, what are we going to do?

I've got it!

Of course, a simple body swap spell.

I'll make you look like me, and me look like you.

Really?

Yeah, really. That way you can stay here,

I can pop out, get the stuff that's going to make you invisible.

And I'll show you how to turn water into shoes!

I'll teach you how to fly.

(TEMPTING) Yeah? You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, that'd be good. Yeah, so drink up.

Eurgh. Cheers.

Bleh. (POP!)

Whoa!

You ought to look in the mirror, Brian.

That is weird. (LAUGHS)

But I still sound like me, is that a problem?

Nah!

So when the egg man comes,

just hand him the saurus egg, job done.

He's alright, is he? This egg man.

Yeah.

Get me that saurous egg, and if you sell me a fake,

I'll slice the top of your head off and dip my toast in your brain.

Lovely bloke.

This is incredible.

And when you get back, you'll make me invisible

and teach me how to fly?

Err, see ya!

I'm a crazy wizard!

15, double 3, 9.

What's that make, Chestnut?

Eleventy four.

I win again! (CHEERS)

We've got to get rid of those fairies.

I want another go. (YELLS) Yeah!

Watch and learn.

(GRUNTS)

# Close your eyes

# Have no fear

# The monster's gone

# He's on the run And your daddy's here

# Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

# Beautiful boy. #

(BABY TALK) (GURGLES)

Oh, hello. Hi.

Who's this, then?

This...this is my son, Steg Junior.

Oh. He's got lovely paws.

Yeah.

It's nice you're such a hands-on dad.

Well, you'd do anything for your kids, wouldn't you?

In fact, I was thinking of moving to Pockle for the schools.

It's nice there.

Yeah.

I'm a single parent.

Perhaps we could...

My husband's a warrior. Probably not, then.

(LAUGHTER)

Then I ripped his ear off! (LAUGHTER)

Sorry, lads, game's over.

Oi, what are you doing?

You can't take that down, I was winning by some to not many.

Well, I need the space.

I tell you what, lads, you take the board.

But we like it here.

This is where we always play darts.

And there's free sherry.

We are going to come in here every day

and we are going to play darts!

I just thought, you know, you might want to give someone else a chance.

What? Like we get to play someone else?

Our best player against your best player?

Winner takes the pub.

You can't do that.

FAIRIES: Winner takes the pub, winner takes the pub!

Winner takes the pub, winner takes the pub!

Winner takes the pub, winner takes the pub,

winner takes the pub, winner takes the pub!

(GROWLING)

I know this is a difficult time for you.

You're three hours old, you're growing up.

There's changes happening to your body

and you're probably experiencing some sort of...feelings.

(LOVINGLY) Steg Junior...

(ANGRILY) Open this door, you spoilt little brat, come on!

OK, I shouldn't have said that, sorry.

Just please let me out of here.

Barbara, I was about to send you an arrow.

Oh, how exciting! What's happening?

You like darts, don't you?

Oh, I love a bit of darts.

How do you fancy playing a game against a fairy,

just, you know, to keep them sweet?

Well, I don't think I'll have time because...

Da-da-da-da-da!

..I've got a new customer.

His name's Mr Moranov,

and he's totally, extremely, incredibly rich.

I really do need you to play this game.

Well, because I'm in such a good mood, I will.

Brilliant, thanks, Barbara.

Have you seen Steg Junior? Yeah, he went that way.

This came off your toilet door.

That reminds me of the time... Not now, Herman.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh! Ow.

Yeah? Have you seen Steg Junior?

Steg Junior? My son, the lizard baby.

Well, I say baby, they grow up so fast these days.

Nah, not seen him.

Maybe ask Brian, not that he'd know anyway.

The sooner he's gone, the better, eh?

Well, I think Brian's great.

Really? Yeah.

He's like really funny and cool.

Are you feeling alright? Yeah, I'm just saying.

I'm a fan, that's all.

Whatever.

Actually, while I'm here,

can I pick up some cream for my ongoing issue?

Run out.

Really? All gone.

Have you checked? Yeah.

It's just it's started swelling up again, is that normal?

That does sound pretty serious, Steg.

I wouldn't be surprised if it fell off!

Oh, Crunt!

Be great owning this pub.

Get rid of that furniture, put in a punching machine.

One large rhubarb city chub, please, Herman.

Heavy on the mustard.

Are you alright, Brian? You sound terrible.

Erm, a bit of a cold.

(CLOCK STRIKES)

It's time, where's your player, then?

Should be along any moment.

# When two tribes go to war

# A point is all that you can score

# Score no more, score no more

# When two tribes go to war

# A point is all that you can score

# We've got two tribes

# We got the bomb We got the bomb, yeah!

# Yeah

# Somethin' this good died. #

Right, let's get started. Hawthorn, you ready?

Certainly am.

Good luck, Barbara.

Oh, thank you, Herman.

Brian, aren't you going to wish me luck?

Oh, erm, good luck, Barbara.

My darling!

Right, best of order. Barbara to throw first.

Game on.

Well, that's what they say in darts. Isn't it, Bri?

Probably.

7.

Whoops!

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(NECK CRACKS)

189.

Yes!

Wow!

STEG: Steg Junior?

Junior?

# Out on the ocean

# Sailing away

# I can hardly wait... #

He's shed his skin.

He's gone.

(YELLS) Junior!

6.

(CHEERS) Go on, Hawthorn!

Game shot to the fairies.

That's good.

Hawthorn, nice one.

You are 5-0 down, what's going on? You played great this morning.

I don't know.

One more game and we take their pub, lads.

What do they mean?

I said the winner gets the pub.

What?!

Why didn't you tell me?

What were you thinking?!

Tricking me into this game!

189...

(YELLS) 189!

Izzy Wizzy, let's get busy. (CHUCKLES)

Woom, woo...

Alright.

Good afternoon, Howell?

Yes, I am.

I've come for the inspection.

The what?

The five-year inspection so you can keep your licence.

It is your name above the door, isn't it?

Yeah, big time.

Just carry on, pretend I'm not here.

Alright.

Potions...

Oh, 'posh-eeons'...

Um, uh...

Ah.

Come on, Barbara.

You dress like an old woman.

What?!

How dare you?!

20.

(GRUNTS)

Yes!

You smell like a smelly old cat.

(GROWLS, GRUNTS) Yes!

# When two tribes go to war

# Money's all that you can score... #

You'll never get into the Seer's Guild.

You couldn't even predict your own breakfast.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

This is my son, Steg Junior. (GURGLES)

It's nice to see such a hands-on dad.

I'm a single parent.

My husband's a warrior.

Are you following me?

I was walking this way anyway.

You grubby little man!

That all seems fine. In fact, an improvement on last time.

Oh!

One final thing, I just need to see a practical demonstration.

Of? Magic, any basic spell.

Oh, erm...

Levitation.

Perfectly acceptable.

Perhaps you could levitate that giant egg.

Pff, yeah!

Well, yeah, with my favourite spell.

A bit big, innit?

OK...

Energy, go in through the arm...

Suspend...

(CRACK!)

Licence revoked.

Howell!

Oh, man...

Alright.

Is that my egg?

Erm...

I know you're not going to tell me that's my egg

'cause that's a chicken egg,

with a cheap enlargement spell on it.

(MENACINGLY) So, where's my egg?

It's out the back.

I'll just go out the back, get it.

I'll just...

Yeah? Cool.

Here.

(BANG, CRASH) Ow!

(FOOTSTEPS)

(GROWLS)

(BUZZING)

Come on, Hawthorn, you can do it. Just do a double 19.

(GROANS)

Right, bullseye to win.

Barbara, listen to me,

you're a sad, laughable, hopeless,

flatulent, sponge-brained, greasy-eared loser!

(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

Yes! (LAUGHS)

Well done, Barbara!

Stupid pub! Springleaf, get the dart board.

There was a cross breeze, and she's got longer arms!

(FLUTTERING)

Congratulations, Barbara.

Brian!

Howell... (YELPS)

You stitched me up - there was only one egg

and you never taught me the levitation spell.

I don't know what he's talking about.

Oh, Mr Moranov, are you here for your reading?

Howell, you're dead.

Can I just say? I'm not Howell.

He's Howell. I'm under a spell, mate.

Which is exactly the sort of thing that Howell would say.

He's Howell. He's Howell.

He's Howell. I'm not Howell, he's Howell.

I'm telling you, he is Howell.

Look, I haven't got time for this.

I'm Brian, Brian...

He doesn't even know my name! Waiter.

He even sounds like Howell. (HIGH-PITCHED) No, I don't.

Yeah, you do. No, I don't.

Yeah, you do. (GRUFFLY) No, I don't.

He does. I don't.

Where's my egg?

Listen, I can prove I'm Brian.

Chips, Croydon, football.

Crouch's goal celebration.

What are you doing? Brian doesn't dance like that.

He dances like this, 'cause I'm Brian.

Oh, he's gone.

Ooph! That was easier than I thought.

I'll change us back, shall I?

Wait, that was you, Howell?

Yeah!

Shouldn't this sting bug jar have a lid on it?

(GASPS)

(WHISPERS) Everybody remain very still and very quiet.

Their sting is deadly.

I hear their honey is amazing.

It is.

Made it worse now.

By the way,

I got your magical licence revoked, sorry.

(SOFTLY) Crunt!

I can't believe you kissed my hand,

I thought it was Brian!

What is she talking about? I'll tell you later.

And you've lost me my only customer!

Uh-oh.

What do I do now?

Keep still.

(SIGHS) (SIGHS)

Magic darts.

There's one left.

I haven't got any more darts.

I don't want to die!

(LIZARD GRUNTS)

What the fuck is that?

(BURPS) Steg Junior!

(WARBLES)

That's my boy!

# Last night as I slept I dreamt I met with Behan

# I shook him by the hand And we passed the time of day

# When questioned on his views On the crux of life's philosophies

# He had but these few clear and simple words to say

# I'm goin', I'm going

# Any which way the wind may be blowing

# I'm goin', I'm going

# Where streams of whiskey are flowing. #

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation