Original subtitles

Just the man I want to see. Coffee, please.

Niles, Niles, please...?

You will not believe the morning I've had.. .

Would you be terribly offended if I asked you

just not to talk about it and sit quietly?

Can I at least tell you...?

Shh-shh. Please, I do not have time for your folderol today.

I am meeting Charlotte for lunch,

and I am planning my strategy on how to win her over.

I thought you said she has a boyfriend,

this environmentalist fellow.

Yes. Frank. Well, so... Thank you.

What's your plan to get around him?

I'm merely going to present myself as the anti-Frank.

Ah, so you're going to be not rugged and not handsome.

No.

You also could be not passionate and not committed.

Very funny. Maybe she'd like you

if you were not interesting and not informed.

Niles!

Well, you said my day was folderol!

Sometimes it is!

I don't believe you. Well, it's true.

My roommate and I used to listen

to your show every day, just for you.

We fell in love with your voice.

Really?

(soothingly) : It's just a voice.

Well, all the guys on my floor listen to you.

To our show?

Yeah.

Boy, things sure have changed since I was in college.

Mmm. Well, it wasn't exactly college. More like prison.

Oh, so was mine.

So, where'd you go ? .

Prison.

Oh.

So...

(soothingly): you fell in love with my voice?

Hi! Oh!

Charlotte, hi, hi. Hi.

You remember my brother, Niles?

Yes, Charlotte. Oh, hello!

How are you? Hi.

Well, frustrated. I've been selling

this guy all over town, but no one's buying.

Oh, well, perhaps if you'd throw in a toaster.

Oh!

I just have to call Frank before we head out.

Oh, right.

So, everything's settled between the two of you?

Oh, yeah, he came over last night.

I don't even remember what we were fighting about.

(laughs)

You know what that means, don't you?!

They had a long night of acrobatic makeup sex.

I just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.

Niles? Hmm?

Keep an eye out for her, will you?

What are you doing?

Research.

Frasier! Frasier! Foul play!

All is fair in love and war.

That's interesting.

An anthology of Irish plays.

It's perfect!

What do you know about Irish plays?

Nothing, but not for long.

There's one area where no man has ever bested me, Niles.

Homework!

Oh, uh, Charlotte, listen.

I was just beeped by a patient

who's-who's desperate to see me.

So, do you mind if we just switch

Iunch for dinner?

. Actually, that's better for me

I have four new clients coming in.

Just think, the woman of your dreams

may be sitting in my office this afternoon.

Indeed she may.

(chuckling)

Oh, Monsieur, it is so nice to see you again.

Your special table is ready for you.

And the wine? As you requested, Monsieur.

Right. And the roses? I'm so sorry, Monsieur.

I felt that the scent would distract

from the wine's distinctive bouquet.

You forgot them, didn't you? Yes, forgive me.

For God's sake, Georges!

Send a busboy out to pick some wildflowers, please.

Very good, Monsieur.

Gee, you kind of sprinted ahead of me there.

I'm so sorry.

Listen, I just wanted to make sure that we could get a good table.

Here, come and sit.

This place is kind of fancy for a working dinner.

Yes, well, after the rigors of your camping trip with Frank,

I thought that you deserved a little elegance.

Thank you.

So, good news.

I met this great woman today.

How do you feel

about dating someone a little taller than you?

How much taller?

I don't know exactly,

but I did have to turn off the ceiling fan.

Well, let's just put her in the "maybe" pile, shall we?

Hi, sweetie.

Sorry to interrupt. I know you're working.

Oh... Frank, you know Frasier. Yes, yes, of course.

Nice to see again, Frasier. Good to see you, Frank.

I just need the keys to your apartment.

I left my blue field notebook there,

and I want to double-check some old whale songs

I copied down. Oh, sure.

Been in a boat all day recording whale songs,

and I think we might have had

a really big interpretive breakthrough.

Oh! You must tell us about it sometime.

That's a great wine. Can I steal a glass?

? . Yeah, here. You don't mind, do you

N-No, no. Not at all.

Although, as the lrish say,

"A man takes a drink,

"the drink takes a drink,

the drink takes the man. "

That's very good.

"As the old cock crows, the young cock learns. "

Yes, well, wasn't it O'Casey who once wrote:

"The Irish treat a serious thing as a joke

and a joke as a serious thing"?

Well, you'd really have to ask Frank about that.

He's the one who loves Irish literature.

He lent me an anthology, but I haven't made much of a dent in it.

I'm sorry, honey, I'm trying.

I know you are, baby.

The flowers as you requested, Monsieur.

I'm sorry. I thought you were to bedeux.

Yes, well, now we are trois.

Thank you, Georges.

Uh, could you bring us another glass, please?

Yes, I understand, Monsieur.

It is most sophisticated of you.

Frasier, you ordered these flowers?

Well, the table just looked so bare.

These are great choices, man.

These are all Washington wildflowers.

Remember, from our hike?

Foxglove, fine-tooth penstemon, harsh paintbrush...

Ah!

Remember this one?

Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue...

Monkey flower. Monkey flower.

Yes, often confused with the chimp pansy.

(laughing)

Frank made the same joke this morning.

Oh!

Yeah. Great minds.

Ah, yes, yes, yes.

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

Oh.

Terrific.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi. Hey, look at you, Mr. Handsome.

Oh, thanks.

We're going to go hear Ronee sing at the Rendezvous.

And then afterwards, I am going to give her

her engagement ring.

Oh! Let's have a look.

(chuckles)

Oh, Martin, it's beautiful.

She's going to love this.

Oh, thanks. You know, I forgot I had it.

I bought it years ago for Sherry,

but then we broke up.

You can't give Ronee a used ring.

Sherry never even touched it.

It doesn't matter.

Ronee deserves something that you picked out just for her.

Well, she'll think I picked this out just for her.

id. But you didn't. But she'll think I d

But you didn't.

You'll have to sell that one and buy Ronee a new one.

Niles, come on. Back me up here.

You can't be serious.

Oh, geez.

Fine.

Back in the vault.

(chuckles)

Some vault!

It's an old cigar box

with a bunch of silver dollars and Eddie's baby teeth.

Oh, hey, Roz. What are you doing here?

Oh, hi. I was just shopping around the corner.

Thought I'd stop by.

Oh, gosh. Well, unfortunately, I have a date.

That's okay.

I have one myself, with Steve.

Oh, yes, your convict friend.

Do you think that's wise?

The man made one mistake.

Besides, I don't know any guy

who's not a little fascinated by fire.

Yes, and a felon now knows where you live.

(cell phone rings)

I'm not at otalidiot.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, hi, Steve.

I'm grabbing my coat. I'll be right down.

You--

So, you have a date tonight?

Yes, yes, actually,

Charlotte and I have been out three times this week.

We have been wine-tasting, beach combing,

and we actually shared a blanket

in a horse-drawn carriage.

I take it Frank's off in the mountains again.

Oh, no. He was there, too.

Let's go.

You mean, it's been the three of you all week?

Well, it's not exactly how I want it,

but the more time I spend with them,

the less time they get to spend alone together.

It doesn't bother Frank, you tagging along on their dates?

Frank? No. In fact, he's quite taken with me.

Doesn't even occur to him that I might be a rival.

Galling, yes, but it does give me more time

to work my magic on Charlotte.

In another week, you can kiss Frank good-bye.

Maybe we'll wait till there's not a line.

Hi, guys.

Hello.

Gangsta!

What it is!

(chuckles)

So, what's going on? I thought we were meeting downtown.

I know. I'm sorry. But can we stay in tonight?

I've got to get up early and catch a flight to Chicago

for some divorce stuff,

and Frank's beat.

Yeah, I was at the beach all day

cataloguing the stomach contents

of a dead elephant seal.

It was like all-you-can-eat down at The Lobster Pot.

(laughing): I'm sorry.

The collapse of our coastal fisheries is no joke.

I'm just punchy.

We brought some movies.

We couldn't agree on which one to watch,

so you break the tie.

Well...

Hmm.

"The Perfect Storm... "

or"When Harry Met Sally. "

. I guess I'm going to have to go for When Harry Met Sally

Yes! He'll have what I'm having!

Oh, hi! Hey.

We keep passing each other. Yeah.

We have some dessert here, if you want to stay.

Oh, no thanks. I've got to cat an early flight,

? . but tell Frasier I'll call him

Sure. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Do I know her?

Yeah, she's the woman Frasier's been after.

She has a boyfriend already, but maybe something happened.

I'll say! You don't get that hairstyle sitting up.

Aw, geez.

Well...

so long as he's happy.

(doorbell rings)

MARTIN: Oh, hi, guys.

Hey, Dad. FRASIER: Hey, Daphne, Niles.

Listen, the opera tickets are right there by the phone.

Wish I could use them myself.

Well, if you'd gotten a third,

you could take that couple you've been dating.

Yes, that's very droll.

Frank injured himself on our hike,

so I've got Charlotte all to myself this evening.

I'm not going to waste this opportunity.

I'm going to make her a romantic dinner

and then tell her how I feel about her.

Wow, really?

Are, are you sure she's ready for that?

Well, I don't know, but I can't stand

this ridiculous threesome anymore.

You know, the worst part is how completely unthreatening

Frank finds me, as if I'm some sort of a harem eunuch.

How'd he hurt himself, anyway?

Well, he strained his back carrying me over a brook.

You wounded him, and you're stealing hi s woman in the same day?

Well, I didn't ask the m an to carry me.

He simply hoisted me over his shoulder

before I could stop him.

That's not something you get used to,

no matter how many times it happens.

Don't you worry about it. You just do what you gotta do.

Thanks, Dad.

Wish me luck.

I'm making her beef bourguigno from a new recipe.

MARTIN: Good luck.

Flour the beef.

Mm, you're looking very sharp.

Oh, I got the new ring.

Oh, let's have a look.

I sold the old one

and got this new one this morning.

Oh. Dad, it's huge.

Oh, it's beautiful, Martin.

Yeah.

Hi. Hey.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Oh, you look lovely tonight.

But, you know, I think

your hand is kind of underdressed.

Oh, my God!

Marty, it's gorgeous.

Oh, I love it, and I love you.

In that order.

Thank you.

Listen, I've got to go wash my hands.

I was eating Cheetos all the way over.

I love this lady.

. Oh, it's brilliant

Oh, you had it inscribed.

I did?

"Lil Q-Pid. Til def do us part. "

What is that?

What? Let me see that.

Isn't Lil Q-Pid that obese rapper?

The one they arrested for drugs.

Where did you get this ring?

At an auction.

A police auction.

You can't give that to her.

Well, I can't take it back. She loves it.

What are you gonna tell her?

Well, just relax, I'll handle it.

Well, there's my lil cupid.

All beautiful and clean.

All you need is a bow and arrow, lil cupid.

Why are you calling me that?

Well, I always call you that.

No, no, you don't.

Oh, well, maybe I mostly say it when you're not around

Oh, yes.

It's always "l il cupid said this"

or "lil cupid did that. "

It looks beautiful on you.

Thank you.

Now promise me you'll never take it off, lil cupid.

Okay, okay, I promise,

if you'll stop calling me that.

Deal.

I'm going to go look at this in the mirror.

How did you get it to fit her?

Lil Q-Pid's as big as a house.

Keep your voice down.

It was a toe ring.

n, Here we are, beef bourguigno

with saut?ed fiddlehead ferns,

and walnut chutney.

. It's my own recipe

It's exactly what I need after the day I've had.

Well, maybe I could give you a neck rub

while it cools.

Oh, you're the best.

I'm so sorry you've had to put up with

all this business with me and Frank.

What business?

Well, you know.

Just all this tension between us.

There's tension?

He's a great guy.

We just seem to be...

I don't know...

Fighting? Growing apart?

Not clicking?

(knocking)

FRANK: Charlotte?

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

It's my watch. It's caught.

Here...

Should have known.

The minute I'm laid up,

you're over here making my lady dinner.

You're true blue, buddy.

Hi, baby.

Hello, Frank.

Walnut chutney. That's daring.

Were you giving her a backrub?

Was I?

Well, yes, yes, I suppose I was.

Would you mind doing me?

I took an aspirin after our hike,

but my neck's stilI a little tight.

So tell me all about Chicago.

How was it?

I'll tell you later.

Oh, that's nice.

Frasier, stop rubbing his neck.

Sit down.

Why can't he rub my neck?

Because when you came in,

we were just sitting down to dinner.

You could have called first.

Well, I didn't know I needed to get clearance. Geez.

You're as touchy as a Hermit Thrush.

This is typical of you.

You come in here,

you expect me to change my plans

because you're suddenly available.

It's insensitive.

Oh, I'm insensitive?

I've been tracking a pod of humpback whales

for a week, and they've been talking their asses off,

but have you once asked me what Bonnie has to say?

Or Robert or Grace?

They're whales!

They're my friends!

Stop yelling.

Look, you're upsetting Frasier.

I didn't do anything.

I came in, kissed you hello, and you jumped down my throat.

What is your problem?

You are driving me crazy.

Do you believe her?

Don't you drag him into this.

You know what? I can't deal with this tonight.

When can you deal with it?

I'll call ahead an d make an appointment.

I think you should leave.

Fine.

Come on, Frasier. Let's go.

Times like this, a guy really needs his buddy.

(soft knocking)

Mm...

Hi.

Just wanted to see how you're doing.

Tip-top.

How's your friend?

He went someplace dark.

I couldn't follow.

Him and his moods.

No, no, he climbed some kind of pine tree.

Look, I'm sorry about all that.

I think this is it for Frank and me.

Really?

It's just not working.

I think I was always attracted

to the idea of him more than... him.

This may seem inappropriate,

but I'm not entirely s ad to hear you say that.

What do you mean?

I would think my feelings were obvious by now,

all the time we've bee n spending together.

I just thought it was because

you were hitting it off with Frank.

Are you kidding?

The man smells like a chum boat.

You, you're the on e I wanted to be with.

Look, um...

I realize you're i n a vulnerable state,

and you probably need some time to process this,

. so I'll just, uh..

Don't go.

I've been thinking a little about you, too.

Really?

(chuckles nervously)

Well, then...

Oh, God, I'm uncomfortable.

. I'm sorry. I'm rushing things

No, no, I'm just...

I'm laying on a wine bottle.

Good morning.

Oh, dear God.

Please tell me nothing happened last night.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

(chuckling)

I'm glad you stayed.

Me, too.

Hey, guys.

You're in my robe.

I guess you got caught in the rain, too, huh?

Yes, I did.

What happened to your hand?

(groans)

I was so mad last night, I...

I punched a raccoon.

. God, I'm a bastard

You're a good guy to come check on her.

I never understand why women don't like you.

Can we talk?

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Uh, my clothes should be dry by now.

? . So what's going on with us

Oh, come on, Frank.

I think you know it's not working.

Yeah.

And, anyway, there is something else you should know.

When I was in Chicago,

my ex told me he's moving to New York.

So I bought the old business from him.

I'm moving back home.

(sighs)

You sure about this?

Yeah.

I mean, I know Chicago.

I have friends there.

Seattle just hasn't panned out for me.

I thought you should be the first to know.

Well, I know you'll do great.

So will you.

Ah...

Uh, I should be going.

That's okay.

You stay. I'm going.

You know this isn't your fault, right, partner?

You be good, buddy.

I know I should feel sad for Frank,

but I can't help feeling happy.

Frasier, I...

Listen, I'm late for about three things,

so can I see you later this afternoon?

Maybe after my show?

Okay. After your show.

Perfect.

Uh, look, I hate to jinx this, but...