Original subtitles

Hey, you're up early.

Rain wake you?

Oh, I'm just a little preoccupied.

Well, if there's something on your mind,

you can tell me.

It won't be long before I'm your mom.

I was actually going to tell you before you said that.

Aw... come on.

Well, there's this woman I can't seem to get off of my mind.

A woman with a boyfriend.

Hmm...

Well, why don't you just get her drunk

and see what happens.

You are nothing like my mother.

Hey, Ronee, better get dressed.

You can't look like that when she gets here.

Oh, she's not coming for another hour.

Who?

Ronee's mother.

Your grandmother.

Stop that.

She's visiting with her church group from Spokane.

Yeah, and if she sees me dressed like this,

she'd know I spent the night

and then she'd be carping about it the whole weekend.

What, she doesn't approve of premarital sex?

Judging by the diving bell she wore as a nightgown,

she wasn't real big on postmarital sex, either.

Plus, I'm starting out with one strike against me.

Mother still remembers a night he drove me home

after baby-sitting you and Niles, 30 years ago...

40 years ago.

I'm telling the story.

I was all weepy because this guy had just dumped me.

And your father put his arm around me just to be nice,

and Mom saw it and she thought

he was trying to "rob me of my virtue. "

Oh, that's crazy.

I know, like there was anything left to rob.

Well, don't worry.

It's been a long time since I've had to charm

the mother of one of my girlfriends,

but believe me, it's a skill you don't lose.

Dr. Crane?

Oh, Mrs. Lawrence.

How lovely to see you again.

Ronee should be here any minute.

Yes, well, I'm a little early.

Yes, um, there'? no problem.

MRS. LA WRENCE: I'm not inconveniencing you?

FRASIER: No, not at all.

I could come back later.

I wouldn't think of it .

Well, then can I come in?

Yes... yes, of course.

Where are my manners?

Oh, let me take your coat.

Martin?

Hey, Ronee, we were just...

Wait... Mrs. Lawrence?

Wow, you look wonderful.

Ronee isn't here at the moment,

so why don't I give you a little tour.

We can start in the kitchen.

Still all hands, I see.

Oh, sorry.

Well, Mrs. Lawrence,

the kitchen's right here.

You know, you look the same as you did

the last time I saw you.

What are you saying,

that I looked like this at 40?

(doorbell ringing)

I'll get it!

Wait, it's pouring rain outside. Here.

Why, look who's here.

It's Ronee!

Hey, you two. Hello. Hey, oh, Frasier,

whatever plans you have for this evening, cancel them.

I am taking you to a fantastic new restaurant.

Well, all right.

Where are we going?

To Chez Paul? Kobu?

Burger, Burger, Burger.

Dear God, you're serious.

I know what you're thinking.

Not two days ago I was just like you--

too good to walk into any one

of their 7 1 convenient locations.

Then I dragged him in there yesterday for lunch

when I was craving a bacon cheeseburger- burger-burger.

He liked it so much,

he insisted we try The Chick'n Bucket for dinner.

I guess he's got the fast-food bug.

And which one would that be-- E. coli?

Now, keep an open mind.

After all, you've embraced the peasant cuisine

of Italy and France.

Why shun the peasants in our own backyard?

You've changed, Niles.

Oh, he hasn't changed that much.

He sent back his Big Slurp.

Good-bye, darling.

Thanks, Niles, but, you know,

I think I'll pass.

I'll spend the night in, curled up with a good book.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

So, Frasier, what was going on

with you at work today?

You seemed a little distracted.

I'm not really sure.

t. I can't stop thinking about this woman I've me

It's my matchmaker, of all people.

Well, now, do you get a discount

if the matchmakerIf? sets you up with herse

Sort of a... floor model sort of thing?

I thought you were kind of ticked off at her.

Well, I was and then, um,

we had dinner together last night, and...

Gosh, we were just so comfortable with each other.

It was like we'd known each other for ages.

So ask her out.

Oh, I can't. She's got a boyfriend.

Truth be told, I don't even know why

I'm so obsessed with her. I barely even know her.

Niles, listen.

Is it possible that this is just a case of transference?

Oh, interesting.

Uh, a matchmaker is not unlike a therapist.

You, uh, confide in them and seek guidance.

It's only natural you'd devea little crush on her.

Yes, precisely.

How many times has a patient fallen for you?

You first.

Niles, please, don't be such a baby.

This is not a competition.

Eleven.

Thirteen.

You know, this is really a weight off of my shoulders.

It's just simple transference.

Thank you, Niles.

Yes, well, I'm glad I could be of help.

You know, when I said 1 1 earlier, actually...

Too late, Niles. Off you go.

(chuckles)

Well, that's a relief.

Frasier.

Charlotte. Hi.

Uh, good to see you.

I'd like you to meet, uh...

Roz, Frasier's producer.

Hi.

You know, that was fun last night.

Yes, it was. We should do it again sometime.

Oh, I'd love to.

When I'm back in town.

I'm going camping.

I didn't realize you were an outdoors woman.

I'm not.

Last time I camped out was for Van Halen tickets.

But, you know, Frank loves it

and I'll do anything once.

Oh, would you mind watering

my office plants while I'm away?

I'd be glad to.

Oh, gosh, you are the best.

Thanks.

Um, anyone need a refill?

No, thanks. No.

Transference my ass.

You've got it bad.

All right, what am I supposed to do?

Well, fight for her.

I mean, who is this Frank guy?

Oh, I don't know.

Some kind of environmental activist.

That's your competition?

Some tree-hugging geek? Come on.

You're one of the most eligible bachelors in town...

in your age range.

Charlotte.

Hi, honey.

You're screwed.

Frank, this is Frasier,

the one I was telling you about.

Hi. how are you?

And his producer, Roz.

Hi.

So, I understand you're going camping.

Yeah, I raised some eagle hatchlings

when their mother was killed by a hunter,

and now we're going to go release them in the wild.

How can you tell when it's time?

Well, one of them ate his landlord's cat.

You know, if they're still hungry, my dad has a dog.

(laughing)

You're funny.

Well...

I know a lady who would love your sense of humor.

She's a ranger up on Mt. Rainier.

She comes down every couple months

for supplies if you'd like to meet her.

Well, uh, thanks, but, you know,

I haven't had much luck

with the women of the Parks Department.

(laughing)

Wow, Roz, did you feel that?

The entire room changed when we walked in.

It's like animals in the wild

sensing a predator had arrived.

Good. I like that you're confident.

No, I was talking about you.

Okay, now look, this is the drill.

I brought you here to get your mind off Charlotte.

Everyone's here for the same reason.

So just pick someone and be yourself.

Okay, um, what name should I use?

Excuse me.

Another Cosmo, please.

Buy that drink.

Right, a faint heart...

Buy the drink.

Barkeep, uh, that one's on me.

If you don't mind.

Mind? Why do you think I said it so loud?

What do I do now?

Just don't be so nervous.

And don't worry. I won't leave you

until you make a connection.

Hi.

Or I do.

Uh... hi.

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Kim.

So, you're a doctor?

Yes, I am.

I have a small practice here in town, and...

Do you do collagen,

because I could barter frequent flyer miles.

No, I'm not that kind of doctor.

. I'm a psychiatrist

Oh. Oh!

You've probably got me figured out already.

No, no.

I haven't even got you on the couch yet.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was too aggressive.

No, no, I had a fortune cookie this morning

that said I was going to meet a doctor.

I was afraid I was sick.

Well, you look awfully healthy to me.

Oh, my God.

Dear God, too aggressive again?

I'm sorry. No.

No, I love this song.

Come on, Dr. Frasier, loosen up.

I'm sorry. What's your first name again?

The first few months I was a wreck.

We were engaged.

At least... I was.

But now I know I'm ready to move on.

Really, really ready.

You know, it's funny.

I'm actually trying to get over

someone myself, in a manner of speaking.

And you thought she was "the one, " right?

She may have been,

but I'm just trying to put her out of my mind right now.

I must say, you're proving to a delightful distraction.

Oh, well, that's not the nicest thing

anybody's ever called me in a bar,

. but it's not the worst

This is fun,

but I'm kind of thinking that

I'd like to go someplace a little less crowded.

Okay, uh, well... thank you.

I enjoyed our time together.

No, I meant someplace a little more private.

No, I understand completely. I take no offense.

Your place.

Oh, yes, yes, indeed.

Well, should we go together to my place...?

Well, you must have your own car,

so I could give you directions,

or, uh, well, we could drive together

and then I could drive you back here,

or we could drive together

and then you could get a cab back here...

I don't care how we get there.

Let's just get there.

(doorbell rings)

(music playing)

It's unlocked.

It's unsafe.

Oh, dear God.

Anyone could walk in.

What the hell are you two doing here?

We came to cheer you up

with some late-night fast food.

If anything's gonna make you forget a woman,

it's a Big Double Juicy.

Please take it.

If you don't, he will.

I've created a monster.

He's already had two chimichangas

and a '"You Ain't Nothing But a Corn Dog. "

All for less than four dollars.

Where has this food been all my life?

On the end of a coroner' s artery scraper.

What the hell has happened to you?

You've devoted your whole life to honing your standards

only to succumb to the fast, the cheap and the tasty.

Sorry. I turned the wrong way

coming out of the elevator.

Oh, hello.

Kim, this is my brother Niles and his wife Daphne.

They were just leaving.

Charmed.

Well, I see I have my big Double Juicy

and you have yours.

Yes. Good night.

Did somebody here have a chimichanga?

See? I told you.

It's coming out of your pores.

Wow! Nice place.

You really are a doctor.

Yes. Would you like the tour?

I don't know.

What do you want to show me?

. I don't know. Uh..

What do you want to see?

What would you like me to see?

Whatever you came here to see.

And what did I come here to see?

Is there an end to this?

Because I... I'm starting

to feel redundant on my part.

Let's just have some fun.

You are delightfully single-minded.

Would you care for some wine?

Sounds great.

We've both had a rough time lately.

How about we go a little crazy tonight?

I like the sound of that.

I've got a little outfit you might like.

The littler it is, the more I like it.

I love it when I say something

and then you say something funny.

. I'll tell you what

If you'd like to,

you can change right in here,

and maybe I'll whip up a little surprise of my own.

Okay.

(squeaks) Oh!

When I met you tonight,

I had no idea what a bad boy you were.

You know what bad boys need, don't you?

A spanking, right?

.. That or.

a good tongue-lashing.

You did it again!

Oh, my goodness!

What's going on?

I thought you were out for the evening, for God's sake.

We came back for dessert.

Obviously, you got a jump on us.

This is horrible.

I... I'm so sorry. I met, um...

Kim.

...Kim at a bar earlier this evening

and, obviously, we hit it off.

Yeah, we get it.

There's a little coffee shop on the corner.

Why don't we go there for dessert?

You may get away with this now, young man,

but once I'm your mother...

Oh, get out!

I would say, "Perhaps another time, "

but that outfit goes

a long way toward recapturing the mood.

Good. Now, why don't you just relax,

and I'll go find some ice for our wines.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, good heavens!

Hello.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I just need my house keys.

I... I... I thought you were camping.

Uh... come on in.

Gosh, I'm sorry about the stench in the hall.

That would be me.

I had a little run-in with a skunk.

I thought I could scare him off if I threw my keys at him.

Come on in.

You really don't want me to.

As it is now, I'm going to have to sell my car.

What is all over your chest?

Okay, should I...? Hello.

Okay. Oh, I got it.

Sorry. Charlotte, this is Kim.

Kim, this is Charlotte.

Boy, I've met more people in this apartment

than I did at the bar.

I really didn't mean to interrupt.

If I could get my keys and use your powder room really fast.

Right. It's right here.

And I'll get those for you.

Uh, Kim...

I'm terribly sorry about this.

I'm afraid it's just not going to work out for us tonight.

She's "the one, " isn't she?

Yeah. Uh... Iisten.

This has nothing to do with you, you know.

I've had a lovely time this evening.

Me, too.

Maybe it's just as well.

I'm... I'm lactose intolerant.

Good luck.

Your keys.

Thanks.

Where's your friend?

She left.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to spoil your night.

You didn't.

Yes. Yes, I did.

I spoil everything.

Oh, now, don't go there.

But it's true.

No, no. I mean, don't go there.

Come sit over there.

You'll be more comfortable.

I spoiled your evening, I spoiled my clothes,

I spoiled my whole relationship.

Oh?

Frank and I had a huge fight.

, He was getting impatient with me because, excuse me

I'm not exactly a pioneer woma and I started snapping back.

The whole thing went downhill from there.

I'm sure it wasn't as bad as all that.

I dropped the cooler on one of the hatchlings.

You know, maybe you could use a little wine.

I could, but look at me.

I can't stay in your house like this.

Okay, I tell you what.

I have an eight-jet whirlpool bath

that you are free to revive yourself in.

I can get cleaned up and make us some snacks.

All right? And, uh...

You know, actually, I have an endangered condor pte

that I've been saving for just such an occasion.

It's not funny.

More wine?

Thanks.

This is my idea of camping.

I'm not much of an outdoor man myself.

In college, I got lost on a nature hike.

After screaming for 45 minutes,

I was finally rescued by a Brownie troop.

(laughing)

I still know some of their songs.

(laughing)

I still can't believe

I haven't found the right woma for you yet.

Well, there's no rush.

I'm enjoying the search.

You're so sweet.

You're sweet yourself.

Charlotte...

I hope you won't think

this is too forward of me, but...

A promising relationship doesn't come along very often,

and when it does, it's worth sticking your neck out for.

What I'm saying is...

Good Lord!

He's with another one!

For heaven's sake!

What are you doing to me, boy?

Maybe I'll just go get those sweats you offered and get out of here.

All right, Veronica, we've had dessert.

We've dropped him off. Can we go now?

No.

I don't want to spend another moment in this house.

Well, fine, then, you go, but I am staying here with Marty.

Oh, oh, sure, okay, uh, Ronee,

I'll just make up the couch for you.

Just drop it, Marty.

Yes, Mother, we are sleeping together.

And he's not the first...

or the second.

In fact, I'm well into double digits now.

Okay, we got the picture. Look, I...

. I'm sorry. I-I know you're upset, but I just..

I can't live a lie anymore.

For God's sakes, I'm in my 40s.

What are you talking about?

You haven't been in your 40s...

All right, good night, Mother.

I'll see you in the morning.

Well, if you're a good boy , maybe you'll get

to spend the summer with your grandma.

Thanks for the sweats.

And about before...

I think I know what you were trying to say.

You do? Yes.

A promising relationship is worth fighting for.

So I called Frank and apologized,

and he's on his way home.

Thank you for being there for me tonight.

You are such a good friend.

So, uh... I'll see you Monday?

Maybe we can get some coffee?

Right.

(door shuts)

I brought a little dessert back.

. I don't suppose there's any whipped cream left

Sorry. No.

You all right?

No.

Want to talk about it?

Whoo! I got to get this chair cleaned.

She doesn't want me.

She wants somebody else.

I don't have a chance.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's the second one, right?

Yeah.

So, uh, what are you going to do?

Oh, that's a good question.

What am I going to do?

I suppose I could pine over her for the next several weeks,

make myself more miserable every day...

or I could do the sensible thing and just...

Iet her go.

Excuse me.

Hi, Charlotte. It's Frasier.

Um...

about coffee on Monday-- let's just forget that.

How about lunch instead?