Original subtitles

Kenny, this is not amateur hour.

My show is already suffering enough just losing Roz.

I will not let you replace her with a complete novice.

Don't you remember when you were a young whippersnapper

with nothing but a pantload of talent and a headful of dreams?

Are we still talking about Noel?

Five seconds to launch, Dr. Crane.

Yeah.

Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

Before we get to our first call, I'd like to remind you

that we are losing our beloved producer, Roz Doyle,

in a couple of weeks to another career opportunity.

That's KPXY, The Mighty Pixy, Seattle's more exciting talk. Woo-hoo!

In the meantime, we have with us today Noel Shempsky,

a KACL employee whose sole qualification for this job

seems to be that he has never taken a sick day.

Good afternoon, listeners, near and stars away.

Our first query comes from a Class-M planet we call Earth

and appears to be personal in nature.

Oh, and his name is Glen.

Go ahead, Glen, I'm listening.

Okay, Noel, that was good,

but you need to tell Frasier the name of the caller,

the town they're calling from and why they're calling.

NOEL: Okay.

You know, maybe I would learn more if you sat down behind me

and guided my hands like they did in Ghost.

Ooh! No!

NOEL: Oh, hi, Julia.

Do you mind? I'm trying to show Noel what I do.

Is that why he's on his knees?

GLEN: The love of my life.

Get up. Let me give you some pointers on call screening.

Your first priority are your leapers and jumpers.

Next up, angry people.

They're great energy and a welcome change

from our largest group, the sad sacks.

The trick of it is you wanna arrange all of these calls

so that each segment is "can't-miss" radio.

But I thought it was just about Frasier doing good work.

Please. It's all about ratings.

If the station had its way,

every call would end in an autoerotic suicide.

Thank you, Roz.

Now that Seattle knows how we do things around here,

perhaps you could let Noel know to keep his elbow off the mike button.

Oh, Roz, do you realise this is the last time

we'll do paperwork together?

Yeah, it's really sad.

What exactly is the new job, Roz?

Programme director.

Hmm. That's a job.

Let me give you a little piece of advice.

Less smut and more older-people shows.

I know, Martin, but that's not what they're going for.

Well, why not? You can have a show about owning dogs.

Or how about this? A show where people call in with jokes they've heard.

That'd be a riot.

I think they're looking for a wider audience than just you, Dad.

Lots of people would be interested in that thing.

Yeah, but the advertisers are looking for the young dollars.

What's wrong with my money?

You don't spend it on fast food and beer.

Yes, I do.

You know, I'm tired of society blowing me off

just because I'm a senior citizen.

You know, one day we're gonna rise and take this country back

from you young smart alecks, and it won't be pretty either.

I could mention the joke idea to my boss.

You just bought yourself a little more time.

Well, here it is, Roz, the final parking requisition form.

The end of an era.

Listen, I know that Kenny is giving you a going-away party,

but I wanted to have celebratory dinner, just two of us, all right?

Any night you're free.

Niles and Daphne are watching Alice. How about tonight?

Well, actually, I'm meeting Julia later.

Why would you wanna do that?

Well, we've sort of been seeing each other lately.

You and Julia?

She's a total bitch.

Now, Roz, if you took the time to get to know her,

you'd see that she's really not such a bad person.

Like get to know her naked, you mean?

No.

I think she's been misjudged.

Sure, she has a lot of walls up,

but there must be something good inside

if it needs that much protection.

Yeah, well, there are walls around prisons too.

Yes, fine. Your opinion has been noted.

There are walls around insane asylums, cholera wards...

- Thank you, Roz. - Nuclear facilities, gator farms...

All right, shut up.

ALICE: Got you. NILES: Oh.

Now you chase me.

Oh. Ha, ha. Oh.

No, I think it's Daphne's turn.

Oh, no, I just had four turns in a row.

But you know who does want a turn?

- The TV. Ha, ha. NILES: Ooh.

DAPHNE: There you go. Your video's all cued up.

Should we be plopping her in front of the tube?

It's an educational tape.

Did you want to read her more Jung for Jungsters?

She didn't seem to respond to it.

Perhaps that's a treat we'll save for our own child.

When would that be? When are we gonna have a child of our own?

Oh, I don't know. When we're ready.

Yes, we always say that, but how will we know when we're ready?

I mean, if it were just me, I'm ready right now.

Really?

I just don't feel like we're quite there yet.

What has to change?

What's this little brat doing here?

Make sure it don't make any noise. I'm resting.

Maybe it's my biorhythms.

Daphne, might it have something to do with your mother living with us?

Ha, ha. Well, I've always thought, in the back of my head,

that we'd start a family after she left.

But that doesn't have to stop us from getting pregnant.

Once we are, we've got nine months to get her out of the house.

Are you kidding?

If she found out there was a grandchild on the way, she'd never leave.

I don't think I could take Mum

and morning sickness at the same time.

Well, on the other hand,

the grandmother can be a wonderful influence on a child.

Alice, you help Auntie Gert find her cigarettes,

and you can have one.

I think now would be a good time if anyone wants to stand up.

Say a few words to Roz.

MAN: Okay. - I know I'll miss her.

That's why I'm proud to present her

with this picture of the two of us at the last company picnic.

- Won't that baby look nice in a frame? - Yeah.

Enjoy.

I'm next.

Sweetest Roz.

You are my ship when I am at sea.

My fairest rose, my fantasy.

With each sunrise My thanks I send.

For you, my love My true best friend.

ALL: Aw.

Puke!

That was beautiful, you son of a B.

Okay, everyone, sit down.

Sit down, Noel, sit down.

Okay, everybody, Bulldog to the rescue.

Now, I don't wanna say Roz has had a lot of sex,

but she's spent more time on her back than King Tut.

Did you hear the story about the guy at KACL

who didn't have sex with Roz?

Me neither.

But seriously, what's the difference between Roz and a dog in heat?

No, really, I'm asking.

You people suck.

It's not a roast, Bulldog.

It's not?

I paid a guy at the Chuckle Factory 50 bucks to write jokes for me.

When's he getting here?

Okay, okay, you want a speech?

Best of luck in your new job, Roz.

If you ever need a sports guy, I'm your man.

And I wouldn't have any problem with you being my boss.

After all, I know what it feels like to be underneath you, am I right?

Watch what you say about her!

FRASIER: Noel. All right, come on.

Walk it off, Noel. Walk it off. Go on.

Careful, gents.

Really, the way you two are always carrying on,

people are going to start talking.

Hello, all.

Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle.

MAN: Hear, hear.

A wonderful coworker and a good friend.

ALL: Hear, hear.

Of course, I, too, noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately.

She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral.

She made us want to paw the ground

and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening.

Smokey, Misty, Storm, away!

Okay, bar's closed.

Gil'?

Uh, Julia, your turn.

Oh, um...

Ahem. Well, I've only known Roz a short time,

but I can see that she is a valuable member of this team,

and I'm sure you'll be missed.

- Good luck. MAN: Hear.

FRASIER: Well said, well said. Uh...

Roz, I celebrate your new adventure with you,

but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that this is a big loss for me.

You were there on my first day at KACL

and you took me under your wing.

It's crowded under there.

I will kill you.

I don't think I'll ever grow accustomed to seeing somebody else in your booth.

And certainly no one else can ever take your place in our hearts.

And while we welcome new friends,

we are sad to say goodbye to old ones.

- Good luck, Roz. MAN: Hear, hear.

- Speech. Come on, Roz. ALL: Speech, speech.

Thanks, you guys.

I just love you all for doing this for me.

I mean, we really are like a family, aren't we?

You know, this job at KPXY is a really great, great opportunity,

but it'll never be like this.

Which is why I'm changing my mind.

I can't leave KACL, I'm staying.

KENNY: Really?

FRASIER: Thank you very much.

Oh, Mrs. Moon, uh, we'd like to get two double lattes to go, please.

For an extra dollar, I can add a nip of brandy.

Is that on the menu?

It's on the secret menu.

I'll pass, thank you.

You know, Frasier, I feel so invigorated to get back to my old job.

Oh, Roz.

I'd like to record promos tonight, if you're available.

Oh, I can't.

I'm taking Julia to the movies, one of my favourites, Noch Einen Stuhl.

Noch Einen Stuhl?

Yes, it's the story of a 19th century Austrian family

as told from the point of view of an old fireside armchair.

I'm sorry, I dozed off. What were you saying?

I've gotta get an alternative newspaper to check showtimes.

I'll be right back.

GERTRUDE: Here we are. - Oh.

- Your phone's ringing. - Oh, it's not mine.

It's Frasier's.

- Ew. It's Julia. - Who's that?

Oh, this witch who's trying to get her hooks into Frasier.

I hate her.

I'll fix her.

Wait, wait, what are you doing?

Hello.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Frasier's in no position to talk, if you, uh, get my meaning.

Who is this, then?

Hold on.

Sweetheart, do you want to talk to a Julia?

Oh, Frasier, put me down.

Sorry, he's not here after all. Bye now.

There. Problem solved.

You know, you probably ruined their entire evening.

How can I thank you?

Only one showing of Noch Einen Stuhl tonight.

Gotta go by the box office and pick up the tickets.

Yes, I bet they're going fast.

DAPHNE: Hello. - Oh, sorry. Wish we could join you.

I'm going to get tickets for Noch Einen Stuhl.

What, cutting it a little close, aren't you?

Hey, Mum,

when you've finished your shift, we'll drive you home.

Really?

Are you sure it wouldn't give you more pleasure

to see me walk home on my bloody stumps?

Well, it would, but we're in a hurry.

Yeah, we'll be here when you're ready.

Oh, Niles. Ha.

Just think, one day we'll have one of those.

Yes, just one awkward chore to get out of the way.

Well, that's romantic.

I meant asking your mother to move out.

We're not asking her. We're telling her.

- You have to be firm. - Yes.

This is a woman who came for a week and stayed for year and a half.

- Oh, yes. I... - It's not like she's got no place to go.

- She's got seven other children. - I know.

- Plus a home and friends in England. - Yes, many friends. I just...

I just don't know how to break it to her.

Well, the sooner we do,

the sooner we can start our own family.

You're right.

Do you realise, this time next year,

we could be sitting here with our own baby?

Baby?

What's this, then?

We'll talk about it later.

I wanna talk about it now. What's going on?

Well, I was going to wait until later, but if you really want to know...

Daphne, Daphne. Ahem.

We've decided to start trying to get pregnant.

Oh, well, I'm glad you think you can.

I was beginning to think there might be something wrong

with your equipment, Niles.

Oh, were you? Well, here's more news.

You're out of the house, so pack your bags and find another sucker.

Uh, excuse me, could I get some service over here?

Keep your knickers on.

Don't move.

We're not done hashing this through.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Say that again.

Hello.

Now say:

"Frasier's in no position to talk, if you get my meaning."

Now, that was all Roz's idea.

I had no choice.

I'm not a well woman.

- Hello, Roz. - Julia.

I just talked to that waitress over at Nervosa,

the one that answered Frasier's phone.

She gave you up immediately.

Relax. It was just a joke.

Okay.

So, what's going on?

Do you have some sort of problem with me seeing Frasier?

Well, as long as you're asking, I think you're all wrong for him.

That's not your call.

I think I know Frasier a little better than you.

So?

So...

He deserves someone better.

Someone who'll appreciate him.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

I mean, Frasier's a good guy.

He's smart and sweet and way too good for you.

Why don't you just leave? Nobody here likes you anyway.

Frasier seems to.

Well, he's an idiot.

Are you trying to save Frasier from me or trying to save him for yourself?

Are you out of your mind?

Are you in love with him?

Go to hell, Julia.

That would explain why you turned down that great job.

That is not true.

Then stay out of my way.

- Or what? - You wanna find out?

- Are you gonna hit me or something? - Don't think I won't.

Well, you're sure taking your time.

Stay away from him. Got it?

Get out of here!

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Um, I just want you to know I love you both very much.

And, you know, I'm looking forward to standing on me own two feet again.

Uh, thank you for the ticket and the luggage

and the clothes and the spending money.

I'm sorry. This is just so sad.

Oh, Gertrude, are you sure you're okay with...?

Goodbye, Mum. Have a nice trip.

Say hello to everyone in Manchester for me.

Night, then.

- Goodbye, Niles. - Goodbye.

I know you'll be a wonderful father to my grandchild.

I hope you'll find time to send me a picture.

- Oh, can't we all just talk...? - We have your address.

I'm off.

Bye.

Oh, Daphne, you were wonderful.

I don't know how you did it.

Oh, Niles.

I know, I know.

- Gertrude? - Yes?

Come here, come here.

Would you be willing to stay in Seattle if, say, you had your own apartment?

Oh, Niles.

Do you really mean that? I don't want to intrude.

Well, of course I mean it. And we'd even help with the rent.

Define help.

We'll talk.

So then it's settled. I'll just go tell the taxi I'm not going.

No, no, no, you're going.

Just tell them to take you to the Four Seasons.

I'll go ahead and call and book you a room.

Oh, you've made me so happy, I think I'm gonna cry.

Niles, I don't know how to thank you.

I do.

- Hey, Martin. - Hi, Roz, come in.

Is Frasier here? I really need to talk to him.

No. He went out for dinner.

Oh, let me guess. Julia.

Wow, not a fan, huh?

- I can't stand her, actually. - Really?

Well, I just met her this evening, but she seemed nice to me.

That's because she's got you snowed.

She's a mean, snooty, tight-ass who thinks she's better than everybody.

And Frasier's making a giant mistake,

and somebody's got to do something about it.

Good luck. When Frasier's heart takes over, his brain shuts down.

That's why we have to do something now,

before this relationship gets any closer.

Will you help me?

Well, Roz, if you feel that strongly about it,

sure, I'll back you up.

- Oh, hi, guys. MARTIN: Hi.

- Hi, Roz. MARTIN: Hey.

- Hello, Roz, nice to see you. ROZ: Julia.

Martin, I brought you some cake from the restaurant.

Restaurant cake?

Steady.

It's chocolate. Why don't I cut you a slice and pour you some milk?

New plan.

I'll distract her while you talk to Frasier.

What's going on, Roz? I didn't expect to see you tonight.

I have something really important to talk to you about

and I really need you to listen to me.

Well, absolutely. That's what I do.

I really, really, really think you should stop seeing Julia.

Look, I know you two have your difficulties.

No, it's not that. She's all wrong for you.

I think I see what's going on here.

You and I have a close relationship.

A new woman comes to the radio station.

She and I form a close relationship, and you feel threatened.

No, she's evil.

It's not your fault.

You can't see it because she puts on an act around you.

Did it occur to you she's putting on an act for everybody,

and that maybe I see her as she really is?

Oh, she's got you totally brainwashed.

Roz, you have no right to come over here and run her down to me.

- It's none of your business. - This is my business.

- And why? - Because...

We're friends.

I can't believe you're turning on me like this.

I gave up a job that was ten times better to stay on your show.

Yes, and I don't understand that.

Why exactly did you turn down that job?

Out of loyalty to you.

Loyalty to me? Are you sure? Are you sure it wasn't just fear?

Are you sure you're not using me an excuse not to grow and move on?

Who wants restaurant cake?

You're gonna have to choose, Frasier.

You will not put me in this position, Roz.

- We will discuss it later. - No!

Tell me. It's her or me.

Tell me now, or I swear to God,

I will walk out of here and I will not come back.

Thank you, Julia, I think I will have some cake.

Fine.

And this will be your office, Ms. Doyle. Make yourself at home.

- Thank you, Mr. Wiswell. - Ah.

Uh, there's no chance you'll change your mind again, is there?

No. KACL is ancient history.

Good.