Original subtitles

What is this?

St. Ausrich Pre-kindergarten Academy and Daycare Centre?

Do I hear the pitter-patter of petite elite feet?

No, no, no, it's just that the wait list for St. Ausrich is up to four years.

So I thought we should get our application in now to be safe.

Very wise, Niles.

Lilith and I waited until Frederick was conceived

before we enrolled him in private school.

- Mr. Procrastinator. - Yeah.

It's pre-kindergarten.

They run around, they sing, they nap.

How special can St. Ausrich's really be?

Well, I hear the top 2 percent in colouring and putting away

can pretty much write their own ticket.

Oh, Niles, guess who's coming to visit.

Leland Barton.

Really? From the Empire Club?

No, no, that's Barton Leland. Leland Barton was Mom's research assistant.

- They worked together for years. - I don't remember him.

Oh, that's right. We were just boys when he moved to France.

Apparently, he gave up psychiatry

and immersed himself in the Paris art world.

Today, he sits on the board of the Paris Museum of Modern Art.

Wow.

It takes a brave man to just chuck it all.

Cross the ocean in pursuit of a new life in a new country.

Or a brave woman.

Oh, yes. That's right.

That's exactly what you did.

Just like Dr. Barton, you bade farewell to the comforts of home

and filled your sails with the winds of change and adventure.

Well, I never looked at it that way.

I'll have something to think about this afternoon

when I'm rubbing your dad's bum.

- Hello, Roz. - Hi.

Hey, Roz. How was the dog park?

Well, I got a phone number.

Oh, nice.

Is that why you people have pets?

To get dates?

No, but it's a plus.

I've never met one person

who didn't get at least one date through their pet.

Well, meet me.

Four years in high school and not a single encounter generated.

Stupid fish.

- Oh, that would be Leland. - Who's Leland?

He was Hester's research assistant.

He used to follow her around like a puppy. Ha.

I think he was always a bit jealous of me, to be honest.

Not that he was alone.

Dr. Barton?

- Hello, Frasier. - I'm Frasier.

- Good to see you. - How are you?

- Let me take that for you. - Thank you very much.

Thank you. Hello.

My God, look at you.

I haven't seen you since you were about, what, 7 years old.

And you still look good in a suit.

Oh. Ha, ha.

Martin, you have not changed a whit.

Oh, my hair's grey and I got a bullet in my hip.

Well, I'm bigger and balder, but I don't wanna hear about it.

Ha, ha. But you look exactly the same too.

Thank you, sir.

And you must be...?

I'm assuming you don't go by Niles anymore.

No, this is my producer, Roz Doyle. My brother's not here.

Ah. Oh.

My sincerest apologies. You are a handsome woman.

ROZ: Oh.

And it's nice to meet you too. Ha, ha. I guess I should be going.

Not on my account, I hope.

Please, Roz, stay if you like. Can I get anybody a drink?

Not unless you happen to have any sherry.

Oh, ho-ho. I think I can scare up a glass.

- Roz? - Well, I'll have a beer, please.

Well, I can handle that.

- Come and sit down. - Thank you.

So I hear you worked with Frasier's mom.

Yes, I did. Did you know her?

- No. - A pity.

She was a remarkable woman.

Brilliant, playful and passionate.

I adored her.

FRASIER: Here we are.

Welcome back to Seattle.

- Thank you. - There we are.

This sherry is exquisite.

Oh, thank you. It's an Andalusian amontillado I'm fond of.

A connoisseur. I'm surprised.

Most Americans think that sherry is just for cooking.

No, my brother and I have always had a taste for it.

Yeah, well, you didn't get that from me. I've always hated the stuff.

You know, come to think of it, so did your mom.

Hmm.

Can I help you?

- I'm sorry about that. - Eddie, down.

Why is he doing that?

I don't really know. He used to do it to me, but, uh...

I tell you what, just don't get in a staring contest with him.

- That's what he wants. MARTIN: All right.

Come on, Eddie, get down. Sorry, I don't know what got into him.

I'll get him a treat.

LELAND: Frasier, this is remarkable.

You and I seem to have the same taste in art.

Rauschenberg, Otterson, African statuary and sculpture.

Although I must confess, I'm not familiar with that one.

Oh, that's because while most Azande statues

are intended to ward off evil spirits, this one was designed to distract me

while my pockets were picked at the Kinshasa Airport.

You two have a lot in common.

Psychiatry and sherry and art.

And furniture.

That is a Coco Chanel sofa, unless I'm mistaken.

It is an exact replica of the one in her Paris atelier.

You know, not many people even notice it.

Well, not many people have passed out drunk on the original.

I would love to hear that story.

Well, you are in luck because I love to tell it. Ha, ha.

But first let me thank you for making me feel so welcome.

I must confess I had some reservations about returning to Seattle,

but you have dispelled them all.

- To you. - Ah. Ha, ha.

- Mm. - Please.

BOTH: Mm...

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

NILES: Okay, we just need to fill in a name,

and I can get the application over to St. Ausrich's.

How can we have a name? I'm not even pregnant yet.

Well, it's not the name, it's just a placeholder.

Anything will do.

Mm, all right. How about, uh, Simon?

As in your-brother-with- a-substance-abuse-problem Simon?

There are other Simons, you know.

Simon Templar, Simon Legree, Simon Chipmunk.

Not exactly building a case for Simon.

- Um, how about Jill? - No, don't like it.

That's the name of that weather tart on Channel 8.

All right, let's just pick a name at random.

- Like out of the phone book. - That's a good idea.

Leave it to fate.

Okay, when I stop, you point.

- Bob. - Great.

Bob Crane.

Okay.

I'm gonna need some Wite-Out.

LELAND: Oh, listen to me.

I've been talking your ears off for the past hour about psychiatry.

MARTIN: Yeah, really.

Oh, Roz, do you mind if we join you?

- Oh, yeah, not at all. - Hi, Roz.

Hi.

Leland, it is such a pleasure to talk shop with a fellow nutcracker.

And talking to you Jung people makes me feel like an id again.

Do you have a pun, Frasier?

Uh, no, let's just sit down.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Oh, you know, there is a wonderful Brassaï' exhibit in town.

What do you say we stop over there?

I would love that. I'm a big fan.

Oh, I wish I could join you. I have patients all afternoon.

I don't suppose you'd go now, would you?

- Be fine by me. - Well, certainly.

Let's go get our coffee at the museum.

Oh, Dad, Roz, any chance you'd like to take in

some Parisian photos by an old Romanian master?

- Mm... No. - Ha, ha.

- Thanks, anyway. - Okay.

Oh, excuse me.

Your father forgot his umbrella.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Here you go, ha, ha, "Dad."

Well, I don't blame her for that. Leland's more like them than I am.

Really? You really think so?

Oh, come on. How can you not see it?

They're like three fancy peas in a pod.

Well, I did notice that they have the same taste in art and music.

They even have some of the same mannerisms.

Yeah.

And Leland and Niles are both allergic to rose hips and Jerusalem artichokes.

Ha! Weird, huh?

When Leland was talking to me about how close he and Hester were,

I started thinking what you're thinking.

And what am I thinking?

Nothing.

What are you saying? You think he's their father?

No, I wasn't saying that.

Lots of people like art and sherry and... And French stuff.

It doesn't mean they're related.

By your logic, everyone on the cooking channel is their father.

- Okay. - Okay.

Ew! What the hell is this?

I don't know. It was there when I sat down.

Ugh!

Leland, your autobiography is wonderful.

Thank you.

Let us hope that the publishing houses feel similarly.

- Ah. Have you shown it to Frasier? - No, I haven't.

- How's he feeling? - Let's go see.

Yeah, bring the manuscript. He'd love to see it.

Hello? Oh, uh, hello darling.

You go ahead. I'll be right in.

Okay, so Delilah's out.

Yeah, no, that's fine, that's fine. What are your ideas?

Taylor. Oh.

Fletcher.

Cooper.

Tanner.

Where are you getting these, The Big Book of Mediaeval Professions?

- Frasier? How are you doing? - Huh?

Oh, I'm afraid my stomach is still churning.

I'm not gonna be able to make dinner.

Oh, I understand. Well, I'll leave you to rest.

Perhaps a little later, if you're feeling better,

I can get your opinion on a short section of my autobiography.

Well, when I can't give an opinion,

you may as well call the coroner, tag my toe, I'm dead.

No, that's a kind of car.

- Hey, Niles. What's going on? - Hi.

Oh, we were gonna go out to dinner with Leland,

- but Frasier's not feeling well. - Oh.

Well, maybe I'll go check on him.

Now it just sounds like you're reading from the spice rack.

"I realised the Sherpa had become my guide in more ways than one."

Oh, that was wonderful.

Read me another.

LELAND: Oh, no. You go to sleep now.

- Oh, Dad. Heh. - Hey, Fras.

Just, uh, wondering how you were feeling.

Oh, well, not so good, actually.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to skip dinner.

Why don't you go in my place?

- Sure, if you want me to. - All right.

You should get going really. You'll miss the reservation.

Right. Now, get well, son.

We'll be wishing you a speedy recovery.

Thank you.

Oh, Fras, you want me to bring you something back from the restaurant?

Maybe some Jell-O to soothe your tummy?

Oh, thanks, Dad, it's all taken care of.

Leland's gonna bring me some consommé and sorbet.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, Niles, it looks like your dad is gonna take Frasier's place at dinner.

Oh, excellent.

- What's the matter? - My leg's asleep. Oh.

Ooh. Move your foot around.

No, it's the whole leg. I'll just wait it out.

The movement will get the blood flowing. Go ahead.

- I can't put weight on it. - Sure you can.

Give it a try. Come on. One step at a time, come on.

There you go.

Attaboy.

Attaboy. You can do it.

There you are. Good.

- Hey, Roz. - Hey, Martin.

If you're looking for Frasier, he just left.

Well, thanks, but actually, I was looking for you.

I could use a little advice.

From me? Really?

Well, if it stinks, I can always ignore it.

Come on in, I'm just finishing up.

What do you need?

Uh, it's the Leland thing.

Even though I know it's not possible that he's Frasier and Niles' father, I...

I guess what's bugging me is, technically, it is possible.

Well, sure, it's possible, technically.

Martin, do you really think your wife would've ever cheated on you?

She did.

She said it happened once.

Oh, my God.

- With Leland? - No, someone else.

You know, I think that you're driving yourself crazy for nothing here.

Of course Frasier and Niles are your sons.

You're exactly like them.

Like? How?

Their strong sense of ethics.

Yeah, we are ethical.

- What else? - The way they spin out of control.

Hmm. That's true.

They got that from me.

- Their stubbornness. - I'm not stubborn.

- Their defensiveness. - What's that supposed to mean?

The way they dismiss anyone who doesn't share their opinions.

Oh, now you're just being dumb.

Hey, what is the worst-case scenario?

If you found out you weren't their father,

would you love them any less?

No, no.

Well, yeah, a little maybe, at first.

But no, I...

I'd feel the same about them as I hope they would about me.

Which they would.

And you know that.

Yeah.

I mean, you'd still love Alice

if you found out you'd gotten the wrong baby at the hospital.

- Sure. - Yeah. Ha, ha.

And as a cop, I've seen that happen more often than you'd think.

Especially at Seattle General.

- I had Alice at Seattle General. - Oh, sorry.

But the point was that you'd love her just the same,

so who cares who her real mother is?

- I'm her real mother. - Okay, jeez.

- How about Desmond? - Desmond Crane.

Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced to...

No, I don't like it.

What about Jack?

Afraid not.

The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name.

So you either end up running them together: Ja-Crane.

Or you face the dreaded glottal stop: Jack Crane, Jack Crane.

It's unpleasant for the throat.

This conversation is unpleasant for the throat.

Well, I know, I know. Okay. Oh.

Why don't we use the name of that nice nurse

from when I was in the hospital?

Fong or Deshondra?

- Fong. - Oh.

Wait. Let's not drive ourselves crazy about this.

It's a temporary name for a child.

Yes, but once you give something a name, it makes it more real.

And then that name will always have a sort of priority.

I don't care how often you say elevator, apartment or crossing guard.

To me, they'll always be lifts and flats and lollipop men.

Well, then, tell you what.

You pick a name and I'll accept it unconditionally.

Milton.

Milton.

Great poet and a great name.

Great. Can we go up to bed now?

- Yes. - Ha, ha.

NILES: Hey, didn't you have a soccer hooligan boyfriend named Milton?

DAPHNE: Yeah, that's where I got it.

I know the kings of England And I quote the fights historical.

From Marathon to Waterloo In order categorical

I'm very well acquainted too With matters mathematical

I understand equations Both the simple and quadratical.

About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news.

With many cheerful facts About the square of the hypotenuse.

With many cheerful facts About the square of the hypotenuse.

With many cheerful facts About the square of the hypotenuse.

With many cheerful facts About the square of the hypotenuse.

With many awful facts About the scary hippopotamus.

What a wonderfully musical family you are.

MARTIN: We sure are.

- Me and my boys, my boys and me. - Oh, Dad.

We're wonderful and we're musical.

I can't tell you what a wonderful job you've done with them.

Oh, it wasn't a job. It was a biological pleasure.

And don't forget I had Hester.

- Oh, excuse me. - Oh, you were lucky.

She was a splendid woman and a remarkable research partner.

And an even better life partner.

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

Damn straight you wouldn't.

Leland, your cab is waiting.

Oh, so soon.

Well, I can't thank you enough for all your courtesies.

Bless you.

If you are in Paris, you must allow me to repay your many kindnesses.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

I'm so proud of the way you boys have turned out.

- Leland, let me walk you out. - Thank you.

Bon voyage.

LELAND: Oh.

Leland, there's a question I need to ask you.

Oh, yes, of course, anything.

I'm a little uncomfortable even bringing it up,

but I don't think I could let you leave the country

without knowing the answer.

I know that you and my wife spent a lot of time together,

that you were close.

I loved her very much.

Then I guess my question is, how much?

Enough to trust her with the fact that I'm gay.

Oh.

You know, 40 years ago,

people weren't as accepting as they are nowadays.

Without someone like her to confide in, uh...

She quite probably saved my life.

Leland, she loved you too.

She really was something, wasn't she?

Oh, yeah, she really was.

Goodbye, Martin.

- Take care, Leland. - Thank you.

My boys.

BOTH: On a tree by a river a little tom-tit.

Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow".

And I said to him.

"Dicky-bird, why do you sit.

Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?"

"is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried.

"Or a rather tough worm On your little inside?"

Oh, my God.

Are you still stuck picking a name for that application?

Yeah. We can't come up with one.

Oh, God, give it to me.

And then I'll fill it in, and you'll never have to see it,

- and you won't feel stuck with it. - Ha. That's a great idea.

Howard Clifton is officially accepted.

Who do we have next?

"Last name, Crane. First name, Ichabod."

Well, if they're not gonna take the application seriously,

how can we expect them to take St. Ausrich seriously?