Original subtitles

So on behalf of myself, the many volunteers

and especially the team from KACL...

I'd like to welcome you, the Grant family,

to your new Habitat for Humanity house.

Uh, Ronnie, if I may, uh...

When my co-workers first signed me up for this project

without my knowledge, I was, uh...

Well, I'll say it... irked.

But I'm glad they did.

Because I've had a chance to learn the pride that comes

when you build something with your own two hands.

As carpenter's helper, I sanded that newel post out there.

As painter's helper's assistant,

I stirred the paint for the trim in the kitchen.

I was also surprised to learn that electricians don't have helpers.

- It's getting dark. - Oh, right, right, of course.

Uh, enjoy your new home. I know I did.

And if ever these walls should tumble,

keep an eye out for my Harvard class ring.

Thank you. Ha-ha-ha.

It's hard to believe the house is finally ours.

We cannot thank everyone enough. Thank you.

Are you sure you took enough credit for the house?

I took just enough, Roz.

It's not my fault I'm not licensed to use a plug-in tool.

Frasier, those guys... You don't need a...

Never mind.

I'm sorry I'm so late, Martin.

No problem. Everything okay?

My mum is a mean, spiteful woman.

Uh, maybe we should talk this out before you put your hands on me.

Daphne and her mom had a big fight this morning.

- Gertrude's been difficult to live with. - Yeah.

Last night, she got the neighbour's cat drunk again.

One of them threw up in the hot tub.

Well, I told her we will not tolerate this inconsiderate behaviour anymore.

If she wants to be part of this house,

she has to get off her lazy bum and help out around the house.

How did I put it, Niles?

I couldn't hear you. I was in the panic room.

But you looked very forceful on the monitor.

Anyhow, she pinched my keys and drove off in a snit.

Niles had to drive me over here.

Why, I'm so mad I could break something.

Are you ready, Martin?

Uh, let's give it a few more minutes.

What is this? Has Frasier been attempting the laundry again? Heh.

MARTIN: No, that's Eddie's.

It's for a safety talk Eddie and I are giving at Glenbrook Elementary.

- Oh, sounds like fun. MARTIN: Oh, yeah.

We're replacing a talking-parrot act.

Officer Chirpy and Sergeant Bob. Heh.

Dick Chirpy was one of the finest officers I ever served with.

It's funny. With a name like Chirpy, you'd think he'd be the parrot.

But as I said before, he wasn't. He was the guy.

The parrot being Bob.

That's fascinating.

Dad, are you sure you wanna do this?

I spoke at a career day once.

It was a disaster. All the taunting and yelling.

I haven't been so afraid of third-graders since ninth grade.

Well, thanks for the warning, son, but Eddie and I will be fine.

Hey, would you like to see part of the act?

- We'd love to. - Oh, great, take a seat.

Come on, Eddie. Showtime.

Okay.

Eddie, what should you do before you cross a street?

That's right. Look both ways.

How about if a stranger approaches you?

Right again.

Yell and run to someone you trust.

Okay. What about if you catch on fire?

That's right.

Stop, drop and roll.

What do you think?

I think the kids are gonna love it.

I see Dad's been showing you the act.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, darn.

This drawer isn't closing properly. Hmm.

Think I'd better go get my tools and have a look at it.

You sure you know what you're doing?

Niles, please. I built a house.

I think I can handle a simple drawer.

You know, it's probably the slidey thing.

Or the drawer may have become warped.

If that's the case, then she's gonna need to be planed, sanded and refitted.

Or you could turn the stapler on its side.

I paid good money for an upright stapler, Niles.

MR. GRANT: Dr. Crane, it's great to see you. What are you doing here?

I was in the neighbourhood. Thought I'd see how you two are coming along.

And I also wanted to drop off this little gift for you.

It would be perfect for the house.

Thank you very much. Very generous.

M RS. GRANT: How lovely. Thank you.

- Come in, make yourself at home. - Thanks.

- I'm sorry for all the boxes. - Oh, no, please, don't apologise.

- You know, this is a beautiful print. - Oh, thank you.

Actually, we've been debating about where to hang this.

I was thinking up on the wall.

Well, that's an excellent place, but, uh...

However, it comes to my mind that,

actually, if you hung it opposite the front door,

it would be the first thing your guests see when they arrive.

- What a wonderful idea. - Oh, thank you.

Actually, if you don't mind a little suggestion.

Um, if you put the couch, say, like this,

you see, you've got a lovely conversation area,

as well as a clear view of the television.

- Oh, you really have a gift for this. - Oh, gosh, it's hardly a gift.

It's a knack, perhaps.

- Uh, a flair at best, heh. - Wow.

Wait until we tell people that our living room

was decorated by Dr. Frasier Crane.

Oh, please. Hardly decorated.

But, you know, if you'd like to sit down and sketch out a few ideas together,

I'd be delighted.

- Seriously? - Sure.

Well, then I insist that you stay for dinner.

Well, how can I refuse?

- Here, let me take that for you. - Oh...

You know, I had a lot of time to think about this space

when I was watching the plaster dry.

I was plaster watcher.

GERTRUDE: Can I help you?

DAPHNE: Mum, what are you doing here?

Just following orders.

Working myself ill so I can contribute to Her Highness' household coffers.

I'm sure Daphne only meant to suggest

that perhaps you might help out a little bit more at home.

"Contribute" is the word she shouted down

from her high horse.

But I'll be glad to help out with the wages I earn

serving strangers with my arthritic hands.

Now, how may I provide you with excellent service?

Well, uh, what would you recommend?

Not having children.

What does she think she's doing?

I guess this is just her childish attempt to embarrass us.

Working here, she's hoping we'll retreat in humiliation.

Ha, I stopped being humiliated after she showed up

in that spring-break video.

- Hello. - Hey, Dad.

Well, it's been 60 years,

but once again, I am the toast of the second grade.

Congratulations.

- So it went well, then? - Aw, the kids loved it.

When it was over, they all ran up and gave me and Eddie big hugs.

Oh, well, Dad, then you just might wanna consider

having that uniform cleaned.

Kids that age are always carrying germs.

God knows what you picked up.

Oh, I'm sure any germs on their hand were jarred loose

by their wild applause, ha!

The principal asked us to come back and have an assembly

for all the fourth graders.

Dad, good luck.

It's well-known that of the cruellest grades,

ninth is 3rd, seventh is 2nd and fourth is 1st.

If you're not going to order,

I'll have to ask you to leave this establishment.

Gert? You're working here?

At Daphne's insistence.

The blood is pooling in my feet,

but at least I'm contributing to the palace's upkeep.

Say, maybe I could sell some of that blood

and give my daughter her cut.

Is that a good idea, Daphne?

- Should I sell my blood for you? - No, Mum, you can keep your blood.

Did you hear that, everyone?

My daughter's letting me keep my blood.

Okay. That's just... That's nice. Maybe we'll go have coffee at home.

DAPHNE: I think so.

No tips. Nice.

- Frasier, hi. - Hi.

What a surprise.

- Honey, guess who's here again. FRASIER: Heh, heh.

Whoa, four times in one week.

Hi, Chet. Uh, how do you like the sconces, huh?

Uh, good, good. I thought you had plans tonight.

Well, I was just driving by, and I noticed something alarming.

What is it?

Uh, it seems somebody has put a cow mailbox

at the end of your driveway.

Well, that's ours. Chet put it up this morning.

If you want, we'd be happy to give you back the one you gave us.

No, that's not necessary. It was a gift.

And it was custom-painted to match the shutters,

the way I'd pictured it when this house was no more than a foundation.

Now, the cow is beautiful.

But, uh, is it really the first impression you wanna make?

Remember, a mailbox is a house's handshake.

We like the cow. It's cute.

Besides, we're thinking about replacing the shutters.

Maybe put up some awnings.

And a screen door. Wouldn't that be cosy?

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. Everything's going so fast. I, uh...

Last night, when I drove away, we were all on the same page.

Now it feels like we're working at cross-purposes.

How do we feel about the accessories?

They're okay.

Okay? Last night, they were to die for.

That doesn't sound like something I'd say.

Well, I remember somebody saying it.

Look, all right?

Let's just try to calm down here.

Marge, why don't you go serve up

some of that world-famous apple pie of yours?

- We can sit down and work this out. - Thanks, Dr. Crane.

You've been a big help, but we can take it from here.

- Well, but surely... - Good night, Dr. Crane.

Dad, this is crazy.

If you're too sick to drive yourself here, you're too sick to give a safety talk.

I'll be fine. I just have to get over this dizziness.

Oh, there you are, Mr. Crane. I was getting nervous.

Listen, I'm afraid my dad's not feeling well.

It would be best if we cancel the assembly.

Are you kidding? If I cancel this thing, we'll have a riot on our hands.

The teachers are expecting a free period.

The kids are looking forward to seeing the safety show.

Eddie and I aren't gonna let them down.

Okay. If you really think you can do this.

I can.

And by the way, you're just as beautiful today

as you were the day I married you.

Okay, I let that go the first time. Sit down.

We're gonna get him some ice water. We're gonna keep him off his feet.

- But you'll have to go on in his place. - Ha, no, I can't do that.

Yes, you can. Safety is everyone's concern.

And I can't guarantee yours if you don't.

Quiet.

Quiet, people. Settle down.

Gameboys off.

Let's give a warm fourth-grade welcome

to Officer Eddie and friend.

Hello, safety fans.

I'm Citizen Officer Niles, and this is my partner, Officer Eddie.

Okay. Ahem.

Officer Eddie will now show us

how to act in various dangerous situations.

Say, Officer Eddie, can you show the kids

what to do before they cross the street?

That's right. We wait for the signal.

Okay, uh, Eddie, show the boys and girls what to do if they're lost.

Eddie? Come here, boy.

Children, I have a confession to make. I'm not a citizen officer. I, uh...

I'm a psychiatric doctor specialising in marriage and family counselling.

All right, well...

Yeah, I know, I know.

The point is that...

The point is that my father is an actual officer,

and he'd be here today, except he got a nasty cold,

probably from some careless youngsters at his last assembly.

Which brings up a different, yet no-less-important kind of safety:

Hygiene.

Oh, jeez.

I would like to introduce you to the first defence

in the war against germs, Officer Pocket Square.

Okay, okay.

Maybe it's not cool to carry a handkerchief around anymore.

It's not.

Is influenza cool?

Is scarlet fever cool?

Do you have any idea how many germs there are on just one finger?

Yes, that finger, for example.

It's millions!

Or take simple dust.

You know what dust is?

It's the excretion of mites.

Little bugs that are eating your skin right now.

What the hell is he doing?

He's freaking me out, that's what he's doing.

Oh, Roz, hey.

Come and join me. I'm in a bit of a pickle. I...

I'm not sure the Grants are the right family for our house.

- Who? - The Grants.

The people that moved into the house we built.

You went back there?

Just a few times, yes, to try to share with them the principles

of décor, room flow, general liveability.

Then they literally showed me the door.

Yes, Roz, the very door I hung for them in the first place.

Take a moment to digest the irony.

Frasier, what do you expect? It's their house.

Yes, but I helped to build it.

Okay, untangling extension cords and stirring paint

isn't exactly building a house.

Oh, I know I didn't do much.

The truth is, I've never really been very handy.

In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad.

It caught fire.

Frasier, you did your part, but now you have to let go.

That poor family probably thinks you're some rich, arrogant guy

- who's bossing everyone around. - Oh, Lord.

You know, maybe I owe them an apology, Roz.

The last thing I want Marge and Chet to think of me

is that I'm some sort of a snob.

Did I tell you they have a cow mailbox at the end of their driveway?

My mom has a cow mailbox.

Well, sure, that's Wisconsin.

The buckle on the bumpkin belt.

- Hey, you two. - Oh, hi, Daph.

A latte, please.

Daphne, here it is.

My first paycheck, $74 and 12 cents, post tax.

See, everybody?

I'm helping out my well-to-do daughter with my pittance of a paycheck.

Thanks.

I suppose you're gonna ask me to stop working here.

Well, I don't care if you are embarrassed.

I will contribute to the household like you told me, even if it kills me.

Sign here.

Right, then.

I'll just work here till I keel over dead.

Kindly set aside a few pennies from my pay for a nice casket.

Already taken care of.

Four rodent hairs and the head capsule

of an adult grain beetle.

CHILD 1: Chocolate. CHILD 2: Milk? Cookies?

Oh, okay. I heard chocolate, I'll take chocolate.

Per 100 grams, the government allows an average

of approximately 60 insect fragments and the odd rodent hair.

But let's say you wanna play it safe.

Maybe drink a can of fruit juice.

That's healthy.

Or is it?

Well, sure, if your idea of healthy is approximately

five fly eggs and a maggot.

This is your government, people.

All right, let's thank Dr. Crane for coming by today.

But I'm afraid we're out of time.

Okay, okay.

One more, and then we have to say goodbye.

Well, I can't leave without mentioning our friend the hot dog.

Or perhaps it should be called hot parasitic cysts, insect fragments,

general grit and rodent droppings.

Thank you.

Thank you, Dr. Crane, for that most enlightening talk.

And right before lunch.

Everyone exit in a single line to the cafeteria, please.

- Good job, Niles. - Thanks.

Yeah, it was touch-and-go there for a while,

but you came through with flying colours.

Quick thinking, making up that stuff about the hot dogs.

But I didn't make anything up.

I said it was okay to make up that stuff about hot dogs,

which I love and had for breakfast.

Yes. Well, I guess I was, uh, faster on my feet than I knew.

CHILD: Excuse me, sir.

I just wanted to say, you were great up there.

Thank you.

Hey, kid.

Here.

Wow! Thanks, Citizen Officer Niles.

Thanks for coming along with me, Roz.

I'm not sure they'd open the door if it was just me.

It's him again.

I'm sorry to disturb you. Uh, you remember Roz?

- Hi. MR. GRANT: Hello.

Yes, I just wanted to say

how sorry I am for my behaviour this last week.

I've been intrusive and controlling.

I lost sight of the fact that this is your home

to do with as you will.

And I sincerely wish you all many years of happiness in it.

M R. GRANT: Thank you.

Would you care to come in?

Oh, we'd be honoured to be guests in your home.

Look what you've done with the place.

- Do you like it? - I think it's great.

What do you think, Frasier?

Would you like to take a tour?

FRASIER: Mm-hm.

MR. GRANT: We just finished repainting the den yesterday.

- Oh, Frasier, you've gotta see this. FRASIER: Ah...

Wow, that's purple.

Thank you again for the tour. Your home is lovely.

We like it.

It's the kind of home we've always dreamed of.

Yes.

Good night.

M R. GRANT: Good night.

- Frasier, I am very proud of you. - I did it.

I didn't criticise. I said nothing judgemental.

I didn't say a single word about their horrible, horrible taste.

You were great.

I finally did it.

I...

This was the ultimate test, and I passed.

I can finally let go.

Goodbye, house.

I release you.

ROZ: They're gonna call the police. - Shut up.

It's better this way.