Original subtitles

We'll be right back with Julia Wilcox

and our new stock-market update after this.

That's it? That's your big introduction for Julia?

- What happened to the copy I wrote? - Ken, come on.

"Julia" does not rhyme with "moola."

- Well, they're spelled the same. - Oh, they are not. Stop it.

Isn't it enough that she's getting ten minutes of my show?

Hey, hey, we're lucky to have her.

Don't be surprised if she ends up boosting your ratings.

Yes, but at what cost?

The woman's credibility is questionable.

She's credible. The woman was on CNBC.

She had a syndicated column.

You can't hold one mistake against her.

What'd she do?

She wrote a book called Day-Trade Your Way Out of Debt.

Apparently, some people lost money.

- I don't see you writing any books. - Ah...

Now, listen, she's a little sensitive,

so I don't wanna hear anyone talking about the book,

how it ruined her career,

that guy who killed himself in Pennsylva...

Hey, hey, hey!

There she is, our financial wizard.

- This is Dr. Frasier Crane. - Hello.

And his producer, Roz Doyle.

ROZ: Hi. - Nice to meet you.

So this is my mic?

ROZ: Yes. FRASIER: Yes, yes, ha, ha.

You know, I studied finance in college.

Hey, that's great.

Do you think you could get me some coffee, Rizzo?

- It's Roz. JULIA: Super.

Two creams, thanks.

So, um, do your intro, we'll go to a promo, then back to you.

- Got it? Intro, promo, you. - Ha.

So you don't want me to do the intro last?

Uh, no, because, you see, intro's short...

Oh, ho, ho, I get it!

Very good.

You got one past me.

Enjoy it. It's not gonna happen again.

- And these would be my phones. - Yes, yes, of course.

Uh, I... I must say that I enjoyed your work on CNBC.

I thought you were an insightful analyst,

and, uh, I don't believe that you were treated fairly.

Oh, thanks. That makes everything all better.

ROZ: Ten seconds. - Oh, right.

Oh, thanks. Mm.

- You call this coffee? - Most of it.

Roz.

Just let me have that.

Put it over there. Now, right.

Hello, Seattle, welcome back.

If you've tuned in for mental health advice with an erudite twist,

well, then, my show will be back up at the top of the hour.

But now for something new, yet germane,

as finances can be the cause of that old bugaboo, stress, here now...

Good afternoon, I'm Julia Wilcox.

Today's market swerved like a nervous student driver

before finally winding up in a nice safe neutral.

We'll discuss.

Plus, are pharmaceutical stocks still worth prescribing?

Now this.

Excuse me, uh...

I was supposed to introduce you.

You were cutting into my time.

Well, I was giving you an hospitable segue, you see.

I thought that since you're new here, I could lend you my equity, if you will.

And it was just a courtesy...

Some days on the market, it's Black Friday.

But today, with the NASDAQ slightly down

and the Dow slightly up, it was more like Plaid Monday.

Analysts spoke out on both sides of their mouths...

Next time, I'll get the coffee.

Hey, Roz, what you reading?

Julia's book.

Listen to this.

"Chapter 4: How to Sell Your House and Start a Dot-com."

Hey, guys.

Oh, Roz, I can't believe you shelled out $3

to revel in someone else's misfortune.

I was curious.

Yeah, well, you can get the same thing on tape for a buck-fifty.

And get this, it's read by Martha Stewart.

How's that for your double whammy?

We should just get rid of her.

I mean, if she were nice, it'd be one thing.

But she's just rude and arrogant.

Whoa, whoa, nobody's getting rid of anybody.

She just filed suit against CNBC for wrongful termination.

Legal wants us to treat her with kid gloves.

FRASIER: Hmm. Truth be told,

I actually feel sorry for her.

She has suffered a very public fall.

She must be carrying all kinds of guilt

about the people who lost their savings following her advice.

You know, perhaps I should have a talk with her.

I wondered how long it would take.

What?

For you to make your move.

I thought there were some sparks between you two.

What are you talking about?

Don't play innocent.

She is right up your alley.

Smart, tough,

total bitch.

You can't wait to break through that wall and rescue her.

Oh, Roz, you couldn't be more off the mark.

Typical man.

You always wanna get in there and rescue us,

but the minute things get messy, you just can't handle it.

Ha!

Women wanna make us think that they're tough.

And then all of a sudden, they get needy.

Men are like,

"Come on, baby, you can lean on me. Oops, gotta go."

Yeah, women are like,

"Get away, get away. Don't leave me."

Here's men:

Oh, yeah? Here's women:

Me, me, me.

- Me, me, me. - All right, stop it, both of you!

- Hello, all. - Oh, hello, Niles.

How's it going?

We're just discussing, uh, a new, rather unpleasant colleague of ours.

Be thankful you're self-employed, you don't have to deal with headaches.

Oh, not so. I was hoping to come here to complain about my office remodel.

I'm annexing the dermatologist's office next door,

and in a cheap irony, my skin is breaking out.

Your Spackle allergy again?

I'm covered with tiny bumps.

It's worse than the summer we added the breakfast nook

- to the tree house. FRASIER: Hmm.

Could I have my usual? Thank you.

There she is. Don't come over.

Don't come over. Don't come over.

Oh, look who's too good for us.

You know what?

I think I will go and offer her an olive branch.

- Oh, stop it. - Me, me, me.

Knock it off.

- Hello, Julia. - Hello.

Listen, I, uh...

I'm sorry that the two of us got off to a bit of a frosty start.

But I think that in time, we will have a... A very long and rewarding relationship.

Okay.

May I tell you a story?

Years ago, I lived in Boston.

I was in private practise then and life was very good.

And then my wife left me.

I ended up on a ledge,

threatening to throw myself off if she didn't return to me.

Thank you.

Well, this got on the news, of course.

And needless to say, after that, patients were a little hard to come by.

So...

I just wanted you to know that I, too, have suffered a very public setback.

Oh, I get it.

You're letting me know I'm not alone.

Exactly.

And now we can be friends.

- Well, if that's how you feel. - Oh, ha.

Well, let's see, how do I feel?

Well, it's sort of like on your show,

when you call people at home to give them advice.

Well, actually, I don't call them, they call me.

Exactly.

Well.

Good day, then.

Why would you let Niles bring all his patients to your home?

It's only a couple more weeks until his office is finished.

Well, I sure wouldn't wanna have all those crazies over.

I mean, what if one of them starts screaming obscenities

or running through the house naked?

Mom already did that when England lost in the World Cup.

- Hello, all. DAPHNE: Hello.

How was the wine expo?

Horrible.

Frasier ran into a fan.

- Ow, that smarts. FRASIER: Yes, Dad.

You have been using that same old joke

for the last ten years.

So anyway, I ran into this fan...

Ouch. Are you okay?

So this woman complimented me

on my so-called chemistry

with that harpy, Julia.

You ever heard anything more preposterous? Good Lord.

The woman sneezed once and I said, "Bless you."

That has been the extent of our by-play.

You've been complaining about her so much lately.

I'm beginning to wonder if there's not something deeper there.

I will not even dignify that with a response.

Except to say that you couldn't be more wrong.

I don't know, Frasier, she's certainly attractive.

And she's intelligent, ambitious, tenacious.

Sounds like your perfect woman.

She is a cold, insufferable know-it-all.

And the list goes on and on.

All right, that's it.

No more talking about Julia.

DAPHNE: Ooh.

So it's Julia now.

Oh, God.

Look, it has always been Julia.

That is her name.

She does seem to have you disproportionately upset.

You haven't been so consumed with one subject

since Frasier Crane Day.

Listen, my outrage is completely merited.

That woman is deliberately trying to undermine my show from within.

I'm sorry to disappoint all of you,

but I have absolutely no feelings for that woman except contempt.

There he goes. Know what they say about people who protest too much.

I know what you used to say.

They should all be tear-gassed.

I still think that, you know.

Ah, here you are.

Listen,

- it's time the two of us had it out. - Oh.

Ever since you arrived here,

you have been nothing but condescending and dismissive.

Whatever.

There. You did it again.

You know what this is really about?

It's about you losing 15 minutes from your precious show.

What are you talking about? It's ten minutes.

Sorry, starting Monday, I do the last 15 minutes of your show,

with a half-hour recap on Fridays.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have places to be.

No, I will not excuse you.

- I am reaching out to you here. - Yeah, will you cut that out?

It's like you're trying to make me your special project.

Why don't you just adopt a cat or something?

As your colleague, I do not deserve to be treated this way.

Oh, no, we are hardly colleagues.

I deliver the news, and you're

a Magic 8 Ball with a Harvard degree.

I will not be belittled

by a half-educated, money-grabbing parvenu.

As opposed to some foreign-speaking windbag?

That makes you an insecure fraud.

You are a pompous blowhard.

- Harridan. - Know-it-all.

- Shrew! - Snob!

Are you as turned on as I am?

What? No!

Oh, did you just come on to me?

What? No, no, I thought that you...

- How could you think I was turned on?

- What, are you sick? - No, I...

Hey, hey, hey, let's all calm down here.

- Are you crazy? - No, I apologise, I...

Yuck!

FRASIER: Hi, guys. NOEL: Oh, hey, Dr. Crane, how...?

- They hate me, don't they? - Can you blame them?

Because of you, they had to come in for this sexual harassment seminar.

Look, I have apologised until I'm blue in the face.

I know, but Legal wants us covered in case Julia tries to come after us.

Maybe you've heard, she loves suing people's asses off.

I'm gonna miss saying "asses."

After today, I guess it's back to "patootie."

Thanks a lot, doc.

Hi, welcome. Please take a workbook.

- Hey, Frasier. - Hmm.

- Thanks for ruining my weekend. - Oh, Roz.

Come on, you know it was just a mistake.

What do you think I am, some sort of disgusting Lothario?

Hey, there's my man.

- Welcome, please take a workbook. - Got an old one.

Hey, I know you're down, don't sweat it. Rookie mistake.

By the way, the chick at the coffee table's got her high beams on.

KENNY: Okay, people, let's get this started.

First of all, I apologise for bringing everyone in here today.

But to make it up to you,

everybody attending today will get a free mouse pad.

- How's that? ROZ: It sucks.

All right, who said that?

I did.

Fair enough.

Now, I don't wanna blame anyone...

Frasier.

KENNY: But Legal says that we have to do this.

So here's Van Andrews from Harassment Solutions.

Okay, guys, I'm Van.

I'll be your facilitator.

And if you could go ahead and just open up your workbooks,

we'll get started on building a truly gender-neutral workplace.

Okay?

Now, who wants to meet my puppets?

MAN: Wow, this is great.

I like coming over to your house.

- It's... It's really nice. - Thanks.

So maybe you could come over to my house next week,

since we're doing stuff at each other's houses now.

Uh, thanks for the offer, Steve, but this isn't a social call.

We're having our regular session.

I... I really want this to feel just like the office.

STEVE: Okay. Um, well,

I've been having my dream again...

Uh, yes?

Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Crane,

but I gotta run these toilet fixtures past you.

Your wife said you'd definitely wanna be consulted about that.

I never pictured you having a bathroom.

Um, it isn't a good time. If you...

I'm sorry, I didn't realise your session had begun.

Why don't you just wait in the living room?

Okay, but just so you know, the heated seat you want's on back-order.

Again, sorry, but while I have you here, you want anything from the shops?

- Nope, I'm good. - Okay, then I'm off.

Happy therapy.

Ahem. So back to your dream.

Your wife seems nice.

She's foreign.

That's weird.

I mean, I guess it shouldn't be.

I mean, it only makes sense that you have a wife and a bathroom,

and you probably have a bed and laundry

and that thing I can't talk about.

- Refrigerator. - Right.

Okay, well, we're not really here to learn about my life.

We're here to talk about you, so back to your dream.

Okay, um, well, I'm in this forest...

- Do you want to get that or...? - No, no, the machine will get it.

Now, remember, as we discussed, the forest could be, uh,

a symbol of uncharted territory. Um, could be...

DAPHNE: Nobody's home

NILES: Nobody's home.

DAPHNE: Nobody's home NILES: Nobody's home.

DAPHNE: Nobody's home

NILES: Nobody's home DAPHNE: Nobody's home

NILES: Nobody's home.

BOTH: We'll call you back if you leave your number.

After you hear the:

So, uh,

next week at your place.

Okay. Bulldog, in this exercise,

we're gonna pretend that you have an attraction to Roz.

- Oh. - Is that okay?

Well, Van, I... I feel a little uncomfortable

about violating her personal space, even for role-playing, but okay.

VAN: Okay, Roz?

Bring it on.

Okay, go.

Good morning, Roz.

You're looking professional today.

Thank you, Bulldog. You're looking professional today also.

Why, thank you.

After work, would you care to join me for a coffee

or non-stimulating beverage?

Please note, you retain the option to say no.

Excellent, Bulldog. Roz?

Thank you, Bulldog, for your offer.

But I'm uncomfortable with it as I would prefer

to cut my own arm off and eat it.

- Can I have a turn with her? - No, sorry, buddy.

She's not your property, it's up to Van.

- I want a turn. BULLDOG: Sit down, Noel.

Oh, what are you gonna do, huh?

- What are you gonna do? - Okay, guys.

Let's keep our dialoguing constructive, okay?

- I think we're done here. - Oh, great.

Why don't you go ahead and just have a seat, okay?

Um, I'd like to say something.

Okay, go ahead, Gil.

From the bottom of my heart,

I apologise for my wandering eye over the years.

Those whom I mentally undressed,

and you know who you are,

all I can say, and it's a poor defence,

is that I was a product of the thoughtless machismo of my times.

- Thank you, Gil. - But know this,

Gil isn't about to stop loving the ladies.

VAN: Thank you, Gil.

I think they like to be called women now.

Ha! Do they ever.

How much longer do we have to sit for this nonsense?

Well, Frasier, since you're the one who brought us here today,

maybe you'd like to take a turn in the warm seat, hmm?

Julia, would you be comfortable in helping Frasier learn

how he could have related to you in a more office-appropriate manner?

Uh, Julia?

She's playing solitaire on her PalmPilot, Van.

Oh, all right.

Okay, in this no-fault rewind,

let's find out how Frasier assaulted you.

I did not assault her.

I simply expressed unhappiness

that she was taking 15 minutes from my show.

She responded by belittling my profession.

Then he called me a couple of names and asked if I was turned on.

Okay, gang, where did Frasier go wrong?

AUDIENCE: Oh! Oh!

VAN: Uh, Bulldog?

People stopped saying "turned on" 20 years ago.

Oh, look, look, I just misread her...

Her signals.

I... I thought that her hostility was displaced attraction.

No, it was just hostility.

Well, of course it was. That's all there is to you.

Ever since you arrived at this station,

we have reached out to you in friendship

and all we've gotten in return is arrogance and unbridled rudeness.

It's not rudeness. It's indifference.

I'm sorry I'm not joining your bowling team,

but this is just a pit stop for me.

I do not intend on spending the rest of my life

at a station that cuts out whenever the janitor vacuums.

No offence.

None taken.

And I don't even know why we're here.

I'm not gonna sue your stupid station. How pathetic would that look?

How dare you.

At KACL, we are a family.

Every person in this room respects one another...

No, no, hold on a second, doc. I'll handle this.

You mentioned about not suing us. Would you put that in writing?

- If it gets us out of here. - Sure, that should satisfy Legal.

VAN: Hey, okay, wait, wait.

This course isn't about Legal, okay?

It's about making respecting each other's personhood fun.

ROZ: Up yours.

- Who said that? ROZ: I did.

You know, you can act as tough as you want,

but I see through you.

Really?

You're not in the big leagues anymore.

Blame it on the market.

Blame it on bad luck.

But somewhere in the back of your head

is that nagging voice that keeps saying maybe you weren't good enough.

And now that you're here, you won't form relationships.

You keep everybody at arm's length.

Anything to convince yourself that this is just a stop along the way.

And above it all,

I think you're terrified that you're gonna fail here too.

But then what do I know?

I'm just a Magic 8 Ball with a Harvard

and Oxford degree.

It's 45 past the hour,

which means it's time once again for the woman who...

is known as Julia Wilcox.

Thank you, Frasier. Another up day for the markets,

but first, these words from Patriot Credit Consolidators.

How many times do I have to tell you? You need to get a comfortable chair.

My leg keeps falling asleep while I'm on the air.

Who doesn't?

Frasier, perhaps if you're at Nervosa later,

I could join you for a cup of coffee.

Or a non-stimulating beverage.

Please note, you retain the option to say no.

I appreciate that.

And in time, I believe we will be able to establish a...

A collegial relationship.

However, I think we should both acknowledge

the feelings of hostility that remain between us.

Just say no. Honestly, do you ever shut up?

Now, see here, I...

The rich got richer today on Wall Street.

Not news, ordinarily.

But after their recent slide,

today's rally and large cap does take on a certain man-bites-dog quality.

Speaking of dogs...