Original subtitles

It's amazing! I'd been waiting for this for five years.

They just called me, it finally happened.

-What? -I have a primary care physician.

Okay. I just got your results.

Everything looks good, except...

your cholesterol is pretty high.

So there's a high risk of heart disease or a heart attack,

among other things. You have high blood pressure, so again,

you could have a stroke at any time without a warning.

And in terms of your prostate...

we'll have to keep an eye on it. It's less sudden than a stroke.

If it goes bad, at least you'll have time to say goodbye to your loved ones.

I think that's everything. I hope you have a great day.

Don't look at him. He's just trying to get your attention.

Not at all. The doctor made it very clear that I won't be here forever.

In order to prepare you, I've decided to make pre-arrangements.

What's the point of the plaster face?

That's what I'll look like when I get embalmed.

You want to be embalmed?

Not necessarily. I just want my decision to be informed.

And?

I don't think I'd enjoy being butt-naked on the embalmer's table.

It'll be my first time, I'll be shy. On the other hand, he does it often.

He's used to it.

So?

So, he's probably careless in his work.

He'll tell dirty jokes to his assistant while they drain my body.

Hey, do you mind? We're eating.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Reaper!

He stinks.

It washed over me.

It's like he's sweating motor oil.

You're just too girly.

You don't remember what a real man smells like.

What's with the new guy?

See? I'm not crazy.

Is it that bad?

It's unpleasant.

Is it his breath?

No, dude, it's not his breath.

It's everything else.

Maybe it's just today.

Let me give you some advice.

Chew with your mouth open.

Like this, to hide the smell.

That might work, but the sound is terrible.

That's the lesser of two evils.

I mean, yeah...

Hey, Chris.

Nice fight.

Thank you, Reaper.

You can call me Hugo. My name's Hugo La Mort.

You're new, so in case you don't know, the showers are over there.

No, I shower at home. I'm don't like showering in public.

I'm not comfortable.

-So, you're saying this is the showroom. -Yes, exactly.

It's a little like buying a new car.

A little, yes.

Can I take a test drive?

So, we have the room rental, the urn,

and the coffin.

Do you want a spray of flowers on the coffin?

Sure. It's cuter that way, right?

Okay. The carrying fee, the hearse,

transportation for the flowers, thank you cards,

and, of course, the post-ceremony reception.

Sandwiches with or without crust?

A little of both.

Okay. And what about stuffed olives?

And... what about...

the dressing?

Is ranch okay?

Do you have Italian?

No.

Then ranch.

There we go.

Here.

Holy shit. Are you trying to kill me?

Sorry, that part's up to you.

Damn.

Do you have some sort of basic package?

This is it.

It's...? You...?

-This is the price for the day, right? -Yes.

Can we do it hourly?

No.

-The coffin alone is $5,000. -You can rent the coffin, if you like.

Rent it? You mean, you'll put me in a coffin

that already held dead bodies before me? The same coffin?

Hey.

What's going on?

Why talk out here?

Because we don't want him to hear.

-Who? -The new guy. What's wrong with La Mort?

La Mort. He smells.

Sure, he smells.

He smells...

Okay, on a scale of "he smells good"

to "he smells bad," where is he?

He smells like ass.

He smells like rotten cheese in an egg sandwich someone forgot in a pocket.

He takes his role so seriously, he's actually decomposing.

It's probably just today.

That's what we hoped yesterday, but it's worse today.

It could be a gland problem.

We can't ask him to leave his glands at home.

What do you want me to do, stick an Air Wick up his ass?

Hey, you hired him.

-And? -Can't you talk to him about it?

He's talented and the people love him.

He might have talent, but I don't wanna fight him.

You tell him.

We've been subtly trying for two days.

You gotta love soap operas. Doesn't everybody?

Soap... operas.

Hey, did you hear the weather report? Looks like we're gonna get showers.

Let me be clear. He's joining you three on the regional tour,

which means you'll be sharing a hotel room with him for a week.

So, figure out a way to tell him. It's your problem.

-No, Guy, come on. -Don't do this.

Hey, guys. Anybody heading east?

Carl.

Yeah, Carl. Bye.

Where are you headed?

East, right by the freeway.

Hi.

Were you just on a farm?

No. It's kind of a long story. You alright?

Yeah, I'm fine, but Grandpa seems like he's going crazy.

Still? Yes.

So? What's going on here?

I went to get a quote for funeral arrangements.

Talk about a rip-off.

Major rip-off.

Really? That bad?

It would take an eternity to pay for it. I'd rather deal with eternity after I die.

That makes sense.

I did the math. I'd have to save until I'm 146 years old.

For Chrissake.

What exactly are you doing?

I've decided...

to make my own pre-arrangements.

Hey, Hugo.

How's it going?

-We've been waiting. -You've been waiting... because?

First, we wanted to say we're glad you're part of the team.

Me, too. For sure.

To mark the occasion, we got you a little something.

-A gift basket. -With soaps.

And some lotions and stuff. Everything you need to smell great.

Wow, guys. That's so nice of you.

Trust me, we're very happy to do it.

Do you give a gift to all the new guys?

If we like them.

Okay, but it's kind of a weird gift to get a wrestler.

Not at all, we do this all the time. Right, guys?

-Yeah. -Totally.

Being a wrestler doesn't mean we can't be groomed.

-Groomed and clean. -Yeah.

That's our thing.

That's our thing.

I can't bring myself to unwrap it right away.

Why not?

My birthday's not for another four months.

What?

That's a welcome gift. And we welcome you today.

When you wait a long time for something, it's even better when you finally get it.

That depends.

No, I can do it. I'm going to wait four months to open it.

Help!

Jonathan?

Here. I'm here!

What's this hole doing here?

I don't know. I didn't see it and fell in. Now I can't get out.

Grandpa!

So, you wanna be buried in the yard?

Yep. Do you have any idea how much it is to be buried in a cemetery?

If we do it here, you'll inherit more money.

And you won't have to travel to mourn over my grave.

What happens if we move?

Just don't move.

But we will, at some point or another.

Why, aren't you happy here?

Yes, but...

Then what's wrong with you? Stop being so selfish.

You can't just abandon me alone in the ground.

It would be weird to mow the lawn above you.

You guys need to accept The Reaper once and for all.

We can't do it, Guy.

When I leave the house knowing I'll be up against The Reaper,

I get anxiety. Me, too.

I get chills whenever I feel his presence in the locker room.

Think of The Reaper as a part of life.

Every wrestler goes through this. Besides, you can't avoid him.

Can we resist him?

That's why I pay you. But it's wrestling, so you don't get to decide who wins.

Are you asking us to... accept him?

You've already gone through a lot of stages.

You've been through shock, denial...

What's with the new guy?

See? I'm not crazy.

Maybe it's just today.

Anger...

He smells like ass. He takes his role so seriously, he's actually decomposing.

Can't you talk to him?

Bargaining...

-We got you a little something. -A gift basket.

With soaps.

And some lotions and stuff. Everything you need to smell great.

And today, depression.

What's great, guys, is that you're this close to accepting The Reaper.

What the hell?

This isn't the final version. It's just a mockup to give us an idea.

This is starting to get a little morbid.

It's not morbid, it's far-sighted.

By the way, I'll be scheduling a grand rehearsal.

Of your funeral?

What? You never know. I want people to cry the right way.

Still, it will be strange to witness while I'm still alive

how hard it will be for everyone.

But we'll be able to get through it.

Alright, guys. I think we need to talk.

Who are all these people?

Oh, these are just actors. They came for a free lunch.

So they won't actually be at your real funeral?

It's a rehearsal. I wasn't gonna call my real friends just for this.

I see.

Makes sense.

It's missing a little dignity.

You wanted my help, I did what I could.

I know I asked you to use a dummy, but that's not exactly what I imagined.

It's the closest thing I could find.

Thanks a lot. I'm taking $200 off your inheritance.

I'm not sure you even have $200 to give in inheritance.

Okay, everyone. Gather around.

I wanna see some tears, okay?

Put your heart into it.

Do your job.

CRY

Is that how you dress for a funeral?

I'm in black, aren't I?

And despite our sadness in losing...

Jean-Paul...

Carol.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

And despite... despite our sadness

in losing Nicole...

Carol!

Hey! That's a pretty lousy priest. Good luck finding a better one. Sure, he looked a little lost,

but you try eating altar bread and drinking communion wine for 50 years.

You'd have a hard time focusing, too.

And despite our sadness...

in losing Jean-Paul...

It's Carol! C-A-R-O-L. Carol!

Do something about him.

He's just a little lost.

A little? Who defiled my tombstone?

Oh, I wrote that.

If you're mean now, just imagine how you'd be as a zombie.

I'M NOT COMING OUT...

Very funny.

Pizza's here.

What? Who ordered pizza?

I did. I felt bad for your actors.

I did all this to spare you the trouble.

It's like you don't want me to enjoy death.

-Sorry. -You're not ready. You're just not ready!

It worked.

Yeah. Maybe now he'll focus on living instead of dying.

Yeah, but he's pissed.

You know him. The more pissed he is, the better his health.

Yes?

Mr. Hébert.

You're not Mr. Carol Hébert.

No. I didn't have a general practitioner, so he sold me his spot on your list.

Yeah. I think I've come to terms with it.

Me, too. How about you?

I think I can accept The Reaper.

Hi, guys.

-Hi. -Hey.

What's with you?

You're a noisy eater.

You're all noisy eaters.

It's annoying. I don't like seeing all the food in your mouth.

It looks like a garbage disposal.

Come on.

"Come on." You can't close your mouth when you chew?

Do we have to deal with the stupid noise and the drool?

We don't do it on purpose, Hugo.

"We don't do it on purpose, Hugo." Do you do the laundry with the lid open?

Your mouth looks just like that.

Come on, it's not a big deal.

There's more important stuff in life.

It is a big deal. It gets on my nerves, okay?

It's called a lack of manners and disrespect towards others.

I quit. I can't deal with this.

Which one of you insulted him?

No one, he just--

You guys could've tried harder. It's so trivial.

FUNERAL HOME

Are you going shopping in there?

Don't do it. It's way too expensive. They're a bunch of crooks.

Come here, I wanna show you something.

Here. Take a look at this. Isn't it beautiful?

It's never been used and best of all, it's handmade in Quebec.

In there, the cheapest coffin is $5,000.

I'll give you this one for $500.