Original subtitles

Now there's a friend of my father's went

to the hospital and.

They're his wife and his wife. That's it.

His wife went into hospital and he went

into work and and when he got into work,

he said to his secretary.

My my my wife's gone into hospital today.

And and she thought he said my

wife's gone into hospital to die.

This man's an Australian. That's this man

's an Australian. And and he

went into work and he said to his

secretary in an Australian accent, you

see, he says my wife's,

my wife's gone into

hospital to die, you see, to, to

die. He he's an Australian.

But anyway, later in the day when he's

leaving work, his secretary says to

him, I'm sorry to hear that,

that your wife is dying. And he

says, well, what do you mean?

Or rather, what do you mean? Because he's

an Australian And, and she says, well,

you came into, into work this morning and

said that your wife has gone into

hospital to, to, to die.

Then he said, no, no, no, she's gone into

hospital to die. Not to die.

And they both laughed, and that was that.

And The funny thing was that she'd gone

in for an ingrown toenail and did in fact

die during the anaesthetic.

Nice talking to you.

You get some gloomy ones ahead of you.

You think it was a morgue?

Mr Philip.

Hello, My name is Doctor Davidson. Doctor

Demoto is off today. Pleased to meet you,

Doc. Yes, this is. I don't believe you

know her either. Not in the biblical

sense, no. You

see, anybody has spirits today, Mr Chip?

Oh, I am too. I think I'm in line for

promotion at the Old Firm. I see. Well,

this is about the results of your

insurance. Medical service. Yes, if you

lie down. Mr. Chair, I'd like to have a

look at your chest. I bet you're not the

only one, are you, Nurse?

Yes, I think we need a little more than

that, Mister Jim. Macho man,

could you breathe in please, Mr Flip?

I've never really been. I'll, you know,

I've been very lucky. Most of an aunt who

was thought was ill but mentally ill she

thought was a mental deficient.

Send my mother prospectuses for

fashionable European lunatic asylums

and the ironic thing was that she did

actually end up in a lunatic asylum and

I'm perfectly all right.

Yes, Mr Fripp, I'm afraid I do have some

rather bad news. Well, it's been a good

day so far, so suck it to me Doc.

Taking my findings today in conjunction

with the test Doctor Jamota took last

week. It's quite clear that you have

questions.

Is that bad? Well, it is very

advanced. It's a disease that act very

much like. When it's

terminal. In what

sense? In the sense that I'd say that you

had less than 30 minutes to live?

Adversions disease is a very rare

disease. Certainly the first time I've

come across it, the chances of

contracting you to one in a million.

I'm very sorry.

It's not a good piece of news, is it?

Not very good and you're quite

sure across my heart and.

Well, what sort of time are we talking

about then? I think it should be all over

by about 1020. Gracious me,

What am I going to do? What? What? Well,

perhaps you like to sit in the waiting

room. We have some old copies of Punch.

No, I think I'll pop out for a fret of

brochure breath of fresh air. After all,

I've got a whole life to live in 30

minutes. It's a little less than

that now. I think you'll find why. What

time do you make it?

325-0320.

Right. 27 minutes, no time to lose

. 26 1/2 minutes. Do something, do

something, do everything. Bye.

Misses

my.

Excuse me, my name is Bernard Tripp and I

want to take out all my money.

I haven't got time to

queue.

I'm sorry. I I want

to cheque books. You want to check

the books? Are you an accountant? Of

course. Of the bloody foreigner. I'm sorry

, Mr Powerpass, but you only seem to have

a deposit account now. We can't issue

chequebooks on a deposit account.

Deposit. That's right. You have to have a

current account.

Current. The bosom. No current.

No Current. No current. No. No account.

Indeed. On no account.

Come on, look, make your mind up,

alright? I would have been both kids at

the same time. Really graded, can't we?

What was the weather like when you

arrived here? Had Phoebus, fiery

ironmonger of the gods, riding his fiery

Chariots with mossy bank and frothy

welcome? Or was it night? Had Dame

Luna, saucy virgin of the nether regions,

little Lent all bright, right? I

finished now.

Oh, no, no, wait, no, wait. God, oh

look, look, I can't die in a bank.

So no one's gonna help him, but just

gonna have to bite my hand off.

Mr Foot, could you please come to

inquiries first so we don't have anyone

else up. Thank you very much.

My money. My money. Now if you could just

sign that receipt first. Do you have a

pen? No, I'm sorry, Sir.

Anyone else there have a pen,

please?No, I'm sorry, but the

answer can't be no. Look, I can't wait

any longer. Does anyone have have a pen

deposit? Look, a pen someone surely?

Naughty bastards. All right, I'm coming

through. There must be a pen there

somewhere, for goodness sake.

Shut up, all

of you.

What are you doing with your life that's

so damn important you can't even find me

a pen?I mean, suppose you

died tomorrow. Funnier things have

happened. I'm dying today, for example,

and Saint Peter had the Pearly Gates

asked you what you've done with your

lives. And you

say I've worked in the bank at the corner

of Glossop St for 15 years.

Will he then say, Oh my son, you have

exceeded my expectations. Step

royally into the House of heavenly peace.

Will he help? He'll say, you

complete prick. What do you think I gave

you a brain for, Mr Frick? We found you a

pen. I said shut up. I've spent

my years. Browsing through the

hors d'oeuvres of life's rich menu

without ever really choosing a starter.

And now I've got 15 minutes left to live.

And my advice to you is stop the starter

and get straight down to the main course.

Because in the great restaurant of life,

Death is no waiter. He won't

wait for you.

Pansy around on the wine list. He'll

sling you out on death Duck by way before

you can say Val Polycha.

Life is a sweet suck it.

Life is a fast food store. Order

oh water.

A whopper.

Where am I going? I've got 12 minutes

left and I'm having a bit of a loose end.

Excuse me, you look like an intelligent

sort of fellow. Sorry.

Forget it.

Look, you look like an intelligent sort

of fellow. What would you do if you had

all the money in the world and all the

time in which to spend it? Yeah, what an

interesting question.

I suppose I'd try and see all the great

art. I read all the great books. This is

all the great music. Sleep with a lot of

expensive women. And.

And how long do you think that would

take? Yeah, I suppose a good ten years,

all told. Oh dear. About

10 minutes. Do you have any suggestions?

Do you know of any great art in this

area? Well, you could see something.

Reproductions of great paintings that the

poster shot. Just a few. Good idea. Oh,

good idea. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah.

Is it the ice?

Have you got the Mona Lisa?No, not the

real one mate. Sold it yesterday.

No, I mean a copy.

Yeah, it's it's in between the aborigine

reading Playboy and the tennis player

with no knickers on.

What's meant to be so good about it?I

don't know. I think it's meant to be

something to do with the lips, I think.

I want to be absolutely frank. I

prefer blondes. Thank you.

Not you, I've just seen the Mona Lisa.

Lovely. What else?

What else are books, Music within? Yeah,

yes. Well, that's how you really are. A

bit of a hurry answer. Well, the market,

there's a lot of tourists love it. I

don't know if you can get pretty well

everything now, though. Everything sounds

perfect. Can we just shout some

directions as I go? Save time.

Do you have war and peace please?

Excuse me?I'm looking for a copy of

War and Peace. Fine.

Can I help you? Yes, I'm looking for

War and Peace middle shelf on the left.

I can't read this.

Oh, I see, I see.

Yes, All right.

Typical. Well, I could have guessed as

much. The fucker. Oh, I

could vote about that bloody frog.

Part 2. Damn. Part 2. Part 2. Part 2. Part

2. Part 2. Part 2. Part 2. Part 2.

Serves them right. Oh

dear. Oh, you're

good. Oh hell. Oh

well. Great. Classic. Thanks.

Thanks very much.

Oh, but.

Bloody

Ruskies.

Not bad.

Come again?It it goes

something like.

That that's your dog, Joe in

G Minor by Albinoni.

Oh, if I die in there,

this is my work number.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Look.

Go to a health farm or something.

Now women.

Yes. Wait, I'm

waiting. I just like to have a word or

two with you about heaven and hell and

the other place. Relax,

relax. It's a question of commandments

isn't it really? I mean I've never

committed adultery with my neighbours

wife or with my neighbours ass for that

matter. I've always honoured my father

and mother off and on. Yes, I probably

lose a few points on that. Now look,

wait, now wait. Relax. You see, it's not

just a question of. Command.

But the bird, no, it's not just the best.

No commandments are physically

actually a bird, but the spirit of them,

I see they take the adultery one, for

instance #6 No 7, isn't it a dolphin?

The Lord said that he who's allowed to

look at the Father woman with last is

also a doom. You see, what

he's saying is the sin of the thought,

the sin of the spirit, is in actual fact

as bad as the sin itself.

Yes. I'm not listening to you, am I? No,

but basically what you're saying is that

any self respecting man who isn't a

homosexual is doomed from the word go.

Yes, that's right. As indeed are

homosexuals of course.

Great. All right, thanks. Thank you.

Yes. Hello. Hello.

How are you? What? How are you?

A bloody stupid question.

Against me.

Do you mind if if I have a cigarette?

Thanks.

Are you

busy at the moment or what?So

nothing, it's just a well it's nothing

really. It's just that I'm I'm dying in

about 5 minutes and as I was dying

I was just wondering if if you fancied

dumb. A bit of

love or something?

You're going to die. Yep.

How are you going to die?I don't know

really. Just sort of stop breathing and

what have you. Nothing spectacular. I'm

I'm not going to fall on my own sword or

anything. It's this, it's this

thing called Hershens disease. I don't

know if you if you, if you know about it,

It's some it's worse than terminal.

Cancer.

Great. Oh,

look, please don't fight. Look, you're

doing a very good impersonation of me in

5 minutes time. Do you realise that? Why

do women faint? Excuse me, Do you know

anything about women or what? Was she

fainting? Shame on you. Oh, thanks.

Right. Come on. I'm sorry. I must be off.

Look, I'm sorry. I must go. I've got to

go and enjoy myself, unfortunately. Wait

a minute. I'd never met her before.

Complete stranger. Foreigner, for all I

know. Oh no, she's not. I heard them

talking together in English. You were

trying to pick her up. I was

disgusted, but I wasn't trying to pick

her up. Tea time. You

don't leave here till she's up. All

right. Come on, Dottie. The jokes A joke.

Come on. Let's. Let's be happy. Thanks

for your help, everyone. It's just a

little joke between ourselves. Come on,

Duffy.

Oh, my goodness, you put on some weight.

Big fat thing. All

right. Sorry, I have to go. Bye.

Few minutes to live, 03

minutes. What do you think of that?

About 3 decades. About three years.

Yes, yes, I am, yes.

I saw you in the shop there yesterday

talking to a priest.

Yes, yes, yes, I suppose now.

Well, you know how long it takes to boil

an egg? 3 minutes.

Yes, that's right. I can't believe it.

There must be some kind of escape. Don't

worry, I'll go and ring you. Oh, wait.

Don't

go find out what's going on. Hi. Yes,

Yes, I suppose we have.

I wonder if I give you a goodbye

kiss just in case you don't laugh out

loud.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Oh goodness.

You know, I've always thought

that there were certain things in life

that but if I'd done them, I wouldn't

mind. It died. Like eating

Bing Crosby or or writing Strangers in

the Night. Well, kissing

you.

He's up there with them.

My name is Bernard Fripp and I live in 37

A Welkin Ave.

Anyhow, time flies. You're enjoying

yourself.

Look here.

Take this by your parents.

Something expensive for Christmas.

Yes.

You know I sent you when I came into your

searching this afternoon, I had a feeling

it was going to be a lucky day.