All language subtitles for Bill.Engvall.Just.Sell.Him.For.Parts.2016.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

[airplane whirring]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

- [Bill] When I was
little, we moved a lot.

And I wasn't a jock, so
I guess to make friends,

you became the funny guy.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

[country rock music]

- I think he's cute.

- And he's funny.

Fall-out-of-your-chair,
laughing, crying funny.

- [Bill] Then I get to college

and I listen to a couple
of Steve Martin records

and thought, "Well,
that'd be a cool job."

- He's real.
- Master of his craft.

- I love him.
- Realistic.

- I think he's hilarious.
- Down to earth.

- You could relate to him.
- Therapy by laughter.

- If you like comedy,

it don't get no
better than this.

- [Bill] People take
their hard-earned money,

and they have plenty of choices.

And they chose to
come see my show.

That doesn't get lost on
me. That's a real honor.

- It's like you're sitting in
the living room with a friend

and just telling jokes.

It's so comfortable
and so entertaining.

- He's family-oriented,

but at the same time,
he's still just as funny

as any other comedian
I've ever seen.

- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage

Grammy-nominated and
platinum recording artist

Mr. Bill Engvall!

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

- [laughs] Wow.

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

Thank you.

Wow. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

It is wonderful to be
back here in Rockford.

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

Thank you for being here.

Normally when I do shows
like this, you know,

I interview with the newspapers

or the radio
stations or whatever.

And they always ask
me the same question.

They go, "Well, Bill,
is your family funny?"

[audience laughing]

I always say, "No.

No, my family's crazy,

and that makes me funny."

And the Engvall clan
has had crazy covered

for a number of decades.

My grandparents,
when they were alive,

God bless their hearts,

my grandmother is
just crazy as a loon.

Most wonderful woman you'll
ever meet in your life,

but she just loved to talk.

She talked to y'all,
that mic stand,

the stool, these walls.

And they all lived in
one little town in Texas.

A little town called
Georgetown, Texas.

And my parents lived there
and my sisters live there,

and my grandparents lived
there when they was alive.

And Gail, my wife, and I,
we both went to college

in that little town.

So when I was in
college, you know,

I'd go over to grandma
and grandpa's house,

because it was a free good meal.

That was the one thing
I learned in college.

[audience laughing]

And I'd go over there,

and it'd be the same
scenario every day.

There'd be my granddad,
sitting in his favorite chair

with the newspaper up.

My grandmother'd just be walking
through the house, talking.

And I'd egg it on.

You know, I'd say, "Well, how
you doing today, grandma?"

She goes, "Well, Billy, I'm
doing all right, I guess.

They're not shoveling
dirt on top of me."

[audience laughing]

I guess that's a good day.

I said, "What did you do today?"

She goes, "Well, Bill, I went
to the beauty shop today."

I said, "Oh, really."

She goes, "Oh, yes.

And I saw Betsy there.

And Betsy was getting
herself a bouffant hairdo.

Now, Bill, I don't know why
she'd get a bouffant hairdo,

'cause she's got a fat face.

[audience laughing]

Well, yeah, you'd think
a woman with a fat face

would want that hair hanging
all down in front of her face.

But, no, she pulls it
all on top of her head.

So now she's got a
big, fat bun of hair

with those big, fat cheeks.

I think she's lost her mind.

[audience laughing]

Oh, and did I tell you
this? They bought a new car.

She wanted a Chevy, but
they talked her into a Ford.

She wanted a black Chevy,
but the dealer man said,

Oh, ma'am, black shows
up dirt too much.

You need a brown car.

So now, instead of a
pretty black Chevy,

she's got an ugly brown Ford

with that fat-face
bouffant hairdo.

I think she's lost her mind."

[audience laughing]

And my granddad would
just go, "Mm-hm."

[audience laughing]

I'll tell you a
story about them.

When they were getting
ready to celebrate

their 50th wedding anniversary,

my grandmother said
to my granddad,

she said, "Ray, I want
you to go to Macy's

and get yourself a suit,

because it's a big anniversary
and I want you dressed up."

And my granddad was like, "I
ain't wearing no damn suit.

I never wore one, ain't
gonna wear one now."

Because you got to know
who my granddad was.

It was boots, overalls
and no shirt, all right?

Yeah, and that was church.

[audience laughing]

Yeah. [laughs]

But, you know, grandma
ruled the house,

so she got him to go get a suit

and they had their anniversary.

Well, everything was great.

Well, unfortunately,
about nine months later

granddaddy passed away.

And we were sitting
at the funeral home,

me and my grandmother.

And the funeral director
said to my grandmother,

she said, "Ma'am, what would
you like Ray buried in?"

And my grandmother
looked at me and said,

"Well, we bought him that suit.

I guess we'll just
bury him in that."

And I remember thinking,

this poor man can't
catch a break dead.

[audience laughing]

So we buried granddaddy,
and after the funeral

I was having coffee
with my grandmother.

And I said, "Now
grandma, listen to me."

I said, "People are gonna
start calling the house now,

and they're gonna
ask for granddaddy.

But they don't really want him."

I said, "They just want
to make sure he's gone,

and they're gonna try and
sell you some kind of scam

to get in your stocks
or your savings."

I said, "So do me a favor.

When they call, you just
tell them that granddaddy's

in the garden or
he's gone into town,

or he'll be back later

and they can call back
and talk to him then."

And I said, "Trust me,
they won't call back."

Well, I went on home.

About a year later, I was back
in town visiting my parents.

I stopped by to see grandma.

And we were sitting
there having coffee.

And she said, "Well,
honey, you were right."

And I said, "About what?"

She said, "Those folks
call all the time."

I said, "I told you they would."

She said, "This one fella,

he called once a
week for six weeks."

I said, "Well,
what did he want?"

And she goes, "Well, that's
what I wanted to know."

She said, "So the
next time he called,

I said, 'Young man, you
have called this house

once a week for six weeks.

Can I ask what this is about?'

And he said, 'Oh, yes, ma'am.'

He said, 'I'm sorry.'

He said, 'I'm from Macy's,

and I was just calling to see
how Ray's enjoying his suit.'"

[audience laughing]

And I started laughing.

And I said, "What did
you say, grandma?"

And she goes, "Well, I
didn't want to lie to him,

'cause the Lord
don't like liars.

So I just said,
'Well, young man,

we can't get it off him.'"

[audience laughing]
[Bill laughing]

And she wasn't lying.

And I'll tell you what
my dad told me on them.

As they got older, you
know, grandma and grandpa,

they couldn't get out
of the house much.

So Dad put them on this
group called Meals on Wheels,

which is a wonderful
organization

that serves meals
to senior citizens

and the homebound.

Well, as grandma got older,

she started visiting
people on other planets

we didn't know existed.

And one day their Meals on
Wheels lunches was late.

And my grandmother got so mad,

she called 911 to complain.

Wouldn't you have loved

to have heard that
phone conversation?

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Well, we're about to
damn starve to death,

that's what the
damn emergency is."

[audience laughing]

"Ma'am, is there
anybody dead there?"

"There's gonna be
two dead people

if we don't get some
sandwiches real quick."

Well, my father
told me this story.

Well, y'all, I'm a comedian.

You cannot hand me a
loaded gun like that

and not think it's not
gonna go off at some point.

Well, my grandparents passed
away about 15 years ago.

Well, one morning a
couple of years back,

I got up and I called my house.

Remember, that's one
little small town in Texas.

And my mom answered the phone.

And she goes, "Hello?"

And I said, "Mrs. Engvall?"

She said, "Yes?"

I said, "This is
Sergeant Johnson

with the Georgetown
Police Department."

She said, "Oh, my God,
is everything all right?"

And I said, "Oh, yes,
ma'am. I'm sorry.

Everything is fine."

I said, "Listen, we're
just clearing out our books

for the end of the year,

and we noticed that we had to
send our emergency vehicles

out to your mother-in-law's
house 'cause she called 911

about their Meals on
Wheels lunches being late."

And my mother goes,

"You need to speak
to my husband."

[audience laughing]

I mean, she threw him
right under the bus.

There was no, "We're
sorry, we'll make it okay."

It's his mama, deal with him.

[audience laughing]

And I said, "Well, is he home?"

And she said, "Well,
yes, officer, he is.

But he's in the shower."

And I said, "Well, ma'am,
if you could get him,

that'd be great."

[audience laughing]

And she goes,

"Well, all right."

And she sets the phone down.

Well, you know when
folks set the phone down,

you can still hear
the conversation?

And I hear my mother go,
"Bill, it's the police.

They want to talk to
you about your mother."

And I hear my father
yell from the shower,

"My mother's dead."

[audience laughing]

And my sweet little mother,
who never raised her voice,

went, "I know that.
Get on the phone!"

Well, now I'm about
to wet my pants

because I have a
visual of my father

dripping wet, holding
the towel, going,

"Why are the damn
police calling my house

on Saturday morning about,

my mother's been
dead for 15 years!"

But, my friends, he
got on that phone

and he was nice as pie.

[audience laughing]

He goes, "Hello?"

And I'm trying to
keep it together.

And I said, "Mr. Engvall?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "This is
Sergeant Johnson

with the Georgetown
Police Department."

He goes, "Well, how are
you today, officer?"

[Bill laughing]
[audience laughing]

I said, "Well, I'm doing
fine. Thank you for asking."

He said, "What can
I do for you today?"

I said, "Well, sir, I hate
to bother you and your family

on this beautiful Saturday."

I said, "But we're just
clearing out our books

for the end of the year,

and we noticed we had to
send emergency vehicles

out to your mother's house
'cause she called 911

about their Meals on
Wheels lunches being late."

And he goes, "Officer,
that woman was crazy."

[audience laughing]

This is his mom
he's talking about.

And I said, "Well,
sir, that may well be,

but that's not our department."

I said, "Listen, we
just got the issue

of a little bit of fine,

and we'll get out of your hair."

He said, "Well,
what's the fine for?"

And I said, "Well, sir, we
had to send a fire truck

and an ambulance out there

'cause we thought
something was wrong."

He said, "Oh, yeah, I get that."

He said, "How much is the fine?"

I said, "Well, that depends."

He said, "On what?"

And I said, "Sir,
do you remember

what they had for
lunch that day?"

[audience laughing]

And there was a pause.

So I figure he's onto me.

You know, he's gonna
go, "Bill, shut up."

And he goes, "I'm sorry?"

And I said, "Well, whatever
they had for lunch that day

will determine on how big
or little the fine is."

And he said, "Well, I've
never heard of that."

And I said, "Well, it's
something new we're trying."

[audience laughing]

He said, "Well, how's it work?"

And I said, "Well,
funny you should ask."

I said, "All right, sir.

Let's say they had a
bowl of soup for lunch.

Well, that fine's
only, like, $10.

But if they had, like,
a meat loaf sandwich,

sir, you ever done this?

Your wife cooks you a meat
loaf on a Monday night.

Well, then that next day

you cut you a cold
slab of meat loaf

with mustard, mayonnaise,
pickles, lettuce, onions."

He goes, "Oh, I love
them sandwiches."

[audience laughing]

I said, "Well, that's gonna
be a little more money.

Can you understand that?"

And he goes, "Yeah,
yeah, that makes sense."

[audience laughing]

Really?

And this is an educated man.

He's not some rube
from the sticks.

So I said, "So if
you could think

what they had for
lunch that day,

we'll get this whole
mess cleared up

and you can go on
with your weekend."

He goes, "Boy, I'm just
trying to think, officer."

He goes, "I don't remember

what they had for
lunch that day."

And I said, "Well,
maybe your wife knows."

And he goes, "Hey, good idea."

[audience laughing]

He goes, "Hey, Mary? What'd
they have for lunch that day?"

And she goes,
"Hell, I don't know.

That was 15 years ago."

He said, "Officer,
we can't remember

what they had for
lunch that day.

That was just too far back."

I said, "Boy, we really want
to get this cleared up, sir."

I said, "Just think really hard.

I mean, did they have a salad?

Because, well, then
that's only, like, $15.

But if they had, like,
a turkey sandwich,

now sir, you ever done this?

[audience laughing]

Your wife cooks you
Thanksgiving dinner;

well, then that next day
you take some of that turkey

with some dressing
and cranberry sauce."

He goes, "Oh, hell, that's
my favorite sandwich of all."

I said, "Well, that's gonna be
a hell of a lot more money."

He goes, "I bet it is."

[audience laughing]

And I'm not even
disguising my voice.

This is his only
son speaking to him.

So I said, "So, sir,
think really hard.

What was it they had
for lunch that day,

and we'll get this
whole thing cleared up,

and you can go on
with your weekend."

He goes, "Officer, I'm
gonna tell you right now."

He goes, "I can't remember what
they had for lunch that day.

That's just too far back."

He goes, "Let me do this.

He said, "Why don't I pay the
larger of the amounts of fine,

and that'll cover everything."

And I said, "Sir, I wish we had

more folks like
you in the world.

But you can see how that'd
screw up our books, right?"

And he goes, "Oh, hell, yeah.

I guess it would,
wouldn't it? Yeah."

I finally went, "Dad, it's me."

And he went, "Go to hell!"

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

And that's what scares
me about getting older.

You start having those thoughts,

and you think they're normal.

And that's why I
try to do things,

to keep my brain at
least feeling young.

And that's why I did that
stupid "Dancing with the Stars."

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

Thank you.

So I go on the show,

and I meet my
little partner Emma.

Emma Slater. Just this
wonderful little British girl.

She's 24 years old.
Yeah, just a love.

She's a doll.

But just British
as she could be.

I mean, to the point
that sometimes,

she didn't understand
our English.

Like, every week we
would do this thing

called the song reveal.

And that's where she'd tell
me what dance we were gonna do

and what song we're
gonna dance to.

And one week she goes,
"All right, Bill."

She goes, "This week, we're
gonna dance the tango,

and we're dancing to,

'Beef, Burgers and
Paradise' by Jimmy "Buffet."

[audience laughing]

Damn, that sounds familiar.

[audience laughing]

I said, "Emma, do you mean
'Cheeseburgers in Paradise'

by Jimmy Buffett?"

And she goes, "Well, why
would they call it buffett?"

I said, "What?"

And she goes, "Well,
when you go out to eat,

you don't go to a buffett,
you go to a buffet."

And I said, "Well,
sweetheart, that's food.

This is a human being."

So we start our rehearsals.

Well, the way the show works,

for those of you who
haven't watched it,

the first week,
everybody gets a by.

Everybody's safe.

Well, after the first week,
my son called me from college

and said, "Well, just
wanted to say thanks."

[audience laughing]

I said, "What are
you talking about?"

He goes, "Well, you almost
got your butt kicked."

[audience laughing]

I said, "How do you figure?"

Well, he works at a
little pizza joint

where he goes to college.

Well, "Dancing with the
Stars" is on Monday nights.

Well, what else is on
Monday night in the fall?

Football.

He said there was 30 frat guys,
and they were drinking beer

like it's their
last day on earth.

He's got "Dancing with the
Stars" on the big screen TVs.

And one of the frat guys goes,

"Hey, man, can you turn that
mess off and put on football?"

And he said, "Before
I could stop my mouth,

the words shot out, 'Not
till my dad's done dancing.'"

[audience applauding]

Yeah, sorry about that one, boy.

Well, then the next week,
Bill Nye the Science Guy

was on our show, and
he hurt his knee,

and he got eliminated.

So I've been on two weeks
and I'm thinking, great.

I've been on as long
as I thought I'd be on.

This is great. You
can kick me off now.

Deer season starts
in three weeks.

I'll be there for opening day.

Well, y'all kept voting.

[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]

And at first I was mad at you.

But then I started enjoying it,

because if you go back
and watch the shows,

every time they told me
and Emma we were safe,

they would cut to the judges,

and they all had this
look on their face like,

"How is he still here?"
[audience laughing]

By week five, I was begging
to be off that show.

I was literally like,

you ever watch
those animal shows

on the National
Geographic channel?

And I was that wounded gazelle
at the back of the herd

that was just kind
of limping along.

And you're like, "Oh, God,
the cheetah's gonna get him.

He's gonna get him!"

And I'd fall, and
the cheetah'd run by.

Damn it, where'd
he go? You know.

And at one point,
the ABC executives

came to me and they said,

"Bill, don't take
this the wrong way,

but we didn't know you
had this many fans."

[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

To which I replied,

"Well, apparently
you've never dealt

with rednecks because..."

[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

Well, the first big
elimination came with,

I believe her name
was Christina Milian.

And she and her partner
Mark had just gotten

the first 10 of the season.

And that dance, we had
to do this little dance

called the quickstep.

And the quickstep sucks.

[audience laughing]

Basically, no, I ain't
doing it no more.

The quickstep is if I said
run from here to the airport

as fast as you can,

and while you're running,
do some dance steps

and we'll judge you on it.

Well, me and Emma
got, like, three 7s.

Well, the way the show works:
at the end of the show,

all 12 couples are on the floor,

and they tell each one
of them they're safe

till there's two couples left.

One's staying, one's going.

Out of the 13 weeks
I was on that show,

me and Emma were the
last two couples 11.

And one of those was a by.

So we're standing there,
and it's so melodramatic.

You know, they
go, the lights go,

and the music goes
"Duh-duh-duh-duh."

And the announcer goes, "Bill
and Emma, you got three 7s.

Did your fans vote
enough to keep you on?"

Duh-duh-duh-duh.

"Christina and Mark, you got
the first 10 of the season.

Did your vans vote
enough to keep you on?"

I'm thinking,
"Great, we're done."

The announcer goes,
"Bill and Emma,

you're safe."

[audience laughing]

What?

[audience laughing]

So we move on, and
we kept moving on.

Well, then the next one
was Sasha and Snooki.

And in real life at that time,

Sasha was my partner
Emma's boyfriend.

And so that week we
had to do this dance

called the jive. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

I don't jive.

[audience laughing]

And I think we got,
like, three 6s.

But Sasha and Snooki got,
like, two 9s and an 8.

So I thought,
"Awesome, we're done."

So we're standing there
at the end of the show,

and Tom Bergeron, the
host, walks in between us.

And he goes, "Well, Bill,
I usually read the prompter

at this point in the
show, but you've done TV.

Why don't you read it?"

And I said, "Whatever."

And I look in the camera,
and they start rolling it up.

And I go, "Bill and
Emma, you're safe."

Oh, my God!
[audience laughing]

Are you kidding me?

Can we recount? Because I
don't think that's right.

It was so off the charts.

I looked at my wife in
the audience and I said,

"This is wrong."
[audience laughing]

I go, "I should be eliminated,
deer season's coming up."

[audience laughing]

And she's looking at
me with this look like,

"Don't be an idiot.
Just stand there."

Oh, are you kidding
me? She's digging this.

Oh, every Monday
she gets a new dress

and she's on TV.

She don't want me
bailing on this.

[audience laughing]

But I felt so bad for Snooki
that I literally started

to take two steps towards
Tom Bergeron and say,

"Look, eliminate
me. Let her go on."

And as he's interviewing Snooki,

he looks at me and he goes...

[audience laughing]

I said, "But this is wrong."

And all of a sudden
I feel somebody

grabbing my shirt
and pulling me back.

And it's Val, the Russian guy.

And he goes, "Bill, this
is about your journey.

Don't interrupt it."

[audience laughing]

What?

Well, Snooki's crying 'cause
she just got eliminated.

Emma's crying 'cause her
boyfriend just got eliminated.

I'm crying 'cause I'm
missing deer season.

[audience laughing]

And we kept going on.

Well, now we're a week
away from the finals,

and we had to learn
two dances in one week.

We had to learn the cha-cha

and we had to learn
the Argentine tango.

So Emma and I are in the
dance rehearsal hall,

and we're rehearsing
the cha-cha.

And of a sudden Emma goes,

"Bill, can you do a cartwheel?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "Emma, I'm 58.

Yes, I can do a cartwheel."

[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]

And I did one.

And she goes, "Oh, my
God, this is brilliant.

Bill, they'll love
this. We'll do the move.

We'll cha-cha in front of
them. You do the cartwheel.

They'll eat it up."

And I'm doing it. I'm
doing a cartwheel.

And I'm getting, I'm
really good at it.

Then all of a sudden my brain
and my mouth got together

and went, "Hey, hey, Emma, what
if, instead of a cartwheel,

what if I did a roundoff
with a half twist?"

And she goes, "Can you do one?"

And I said, "Yes."

And my brain went, "No!"

But I did it.

And then she goes, "Oh, my God!"

I don't even know where I
learned this stupid move.

But I did it, and she goes,
"They're gonna love this."

So we're rehearsing this,

and I'm doing the roundoff
with the half twist.

What's going on?

Well, she goes, "Let's
do it one more time,

then we'll go on to
the Argentine tango."

So we get to that move.

I do the roundoff
with the half twist.

But this time when I land it,

instead of landing
with my knees bent,

I landed with my knees locked.

[audience groaning]

Yeah. And the bad
knee went, "Bye-bye!"

[audience laughing]

I went sideways and
I hit the ground.

And so I sit down. It
kind of settled down.

She goes, "Let's just go
on to the Argentine tango.

It's slow and it
won't hurt your knee."

And I said, "Great."

I don't know if you know
what the Argentine tango is,

but it is literally
just sex to music.

[audience laughing]

Oh, it's just this
rub and grind,

and your face is like this.

And I'm like, Oh, Christ.

Well, this is gonna
be really awkward.

I mean, she's 24.

My wife's at every show.

Okay, I'll do it for
the sake of the show.

[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

Well, I'm a team player.

[audience laughing]

So we start doing this dance.

Well, Emma was always
about this big trick.

She wanted to do some big
trick to impress the judges.

So she goes, "All right, Bill,
here's what I want you to do.

I want you to lay me down,
pick me up, spin me out.

I'll spin back in. You
lift me up, push me out.

I'll whip around your waist
and you catch my legs."

And I went, "[laughs] Okay!

Yeah, you're gonna die,

[audience laughing]

because I don't know if
you've noticed or not,

but I'm not really
good at this."

She goes, "Don't
worry, I'll be there."

I'm like, "Okay,
it's your life."

So we get to that part, and
I lay her down, pick her up,

I spun her out,
she spun back in,

I lifted her up,
I pushed her out,

she whipped around my waist
and I caught her legs.

And I went, "Oh, my God!

I'm getting this!"
[audience laughing]

Oh, yeah!

There's gonna be Bill
Engvall dance studios

across the country.
[audience applauding]

So we keep rehearsing
this dance.

She goes, "All right,
let's do it one more time,

and we'll go home for the day."

Because we've already been
there, like, six hours.

So we got to that point,
and I laid her down,

I picked her up, I spun her out,

she spun back in,
I lifted her up

and I got her to right here.

And her legs were
pointed straight up.

And I'm starting to get tired.

And I let her slip that much.

And then I took my
step that I had to do,

and she shifted away
to whip around me.

And when she did,

I heard a noise
come from my crotch

[audience laughing]

that was somewhere between
a scream and a tear.

[audience laughing]

I had torn my groin.

[audience groaning]
Oh, I hit,

and they're filming everything.

I'm on the ground
grabbing my crotch,

rolling around, screaming.

Emma learned a whole bunch
of new American cuss words.

[audience laughing]

And I have never felt
pain like this in my life.

In fact, fellas, if you've
never torn your groin, allow me.

Go home tonight, take
out your hunting knife,

and put it in a flame,

and let it get glowing red-hot,

and then just jab it
right in your crotch.

That's kind of
what it feels like.

They had to call
Gail to come get me,

because I couldn't even walk.

This happened on a Friday.

We're shooting the
show on Monday.

Saturday morning, I called
little Emma and I said,

"Sweetheart, we're done."

I said, "I can't
get out of bed."

And she goes, "I just want
to make sure you're okay."

And I said, "I'm fine, baby,
but there's no more dancing."

And she goes, "Well, I got
to call the producers."

I said, Well, do
what you got to do."

So she calls the producers.

Well, then the producers
called me and they said,

"Well, we'd like to
bring our doctor over."

[audience laughing]

Okay.

He's a doctor of
pain management.

When I was in college, we
called him Dr. Feelgood.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

So Saturday morning
I'm laying on my couch

with an ice pack on my crotch.

They show up with producers,
a camera crew, this doctor.

And he starts examining.

He goes, "Yeah, you
tore your groin."

I said, "Yeah, I kind
of figured I did.

I guess we're done, huh?"

And he goes, "No."

"What do you mean, no?"

He goes, "I'm gonna
give you an injection."

I said, "You ain't sticking a
needle anywhere near there."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, right? I'm 58.

I got enough issues
with it as it is.

I don't need a needle being
jabbed around in there.

No little pill's gonna fix that.

So he gives me an
injection in my thigh,

and the pain went, "Bye-bye!"

Monday morning, it
took me two hours

to get ready for
this stupid show.

I was wrapped, strapped,
taped, shaved, gelled.

You name it.

Wearing panty hose
to hold it in place.

And we somehow got
through the cha-cha.

And we got, like,
two 6s and a 7.

And then I don't
know what happened.

I don't know if I just had
resigned myself to the fact

that we were done and
I didn't care anymore.

But we went into the Argentine
tango and we just drilled it.

I mean, it was the
highest score we ever got.

We got, like, two 9s
and an 8, I think.

And so we're standing there
at the end of the show,

and I literally am
standing like this,

'cause I can't put
weight on my leg.

But this time, we're up
against Val and Elizabeth.

And they'd just
gotten three 10s.

A perfect score.

So we're standing
there like this.

And the announcer
goes, Bill and Emma,

you've had below-average
scores all...

All right, do we have to keep
bringing that up, really?

It's like your kid going
through high school,

getting all Ds.

And they go, at graduation,

well, I don't know
how he did it,

but here's his diploma.
[audience laughing]

And he said, "Bill and Emma,

you had two 7s and
a 6 average score.

Did your fans vote
enough to keep you on?"

Duh-duh-duh-duh.

"Val and Elizabeth,
you got three 10s.

A perfect score. Did your fans
vote enough to keep you on?"

And I whispered in Emma's ear,

I said, "Sweetheart,
we're done."

She goes, "Yeah, I'm afraid so."

And I said, "Look, babe,
we walk out of here

with our heads held high."

I said, "We got further
than we thought we'd get.

We got further than anybody

in the free world
thought we'd get.

[audience laughing]

So we walk out of here proud."

And she goes, "You know
what? You're right."

And we look in the
camera and they go,

"Bill and Emma,
you're in the finals."

Oh, my God!
[audience laughing]

What?

Well...

Now I'm convinced
Gail's involved in this.

Well, yeah, she can't
just kill me outright,

'cause then she'd go to prison.

But if she's paying
y'all to vote

and I have a heart attack
and die on this stupid show,

they'd just call it
a tragic accident.

Well, that night after we
did the Argentine tango,

my body was shot.

I mean, I was shut down.

This was me getting into bed.

I literally went back
up against the bed

and then just lay
down like a board,

'cause that way nothing hurt.

And we're in bed.

And Gail said, "Sweetheart,
I got to tell you something."

I said, "What?"

And she goes, "I am
just so proud of you."

She goes, "I know this
wasn't in your comfort zone,

but you did it and you
put your heart into it

and you gave it 100%,

and your fans saw a side of
you they've never seen before."

She goes, "You should
be really proud,

and I'm really proud."

I said, "Thanks, sweetheart."

And she turns off
the bedside light.

Like, a second later
the light comes back on,

and she goes, "I got
to say one more thing."

I said, What?"

And she goes, "You know
that Argentine tango?"

And I said, "Yeah?"

And she goes, That
was frigging hot.

[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]

And I know what she wants to do!

And normally I'm all
in, but I was like,

"All right, but you're on
top, because I can't move.

All right?"
[audience laughing]

Well, now we're in the finals.

And Emma is
out-of-her-mind giddy.

She's like, "Bill,
this is the finals.

This is my first year as a
pro and we got to the finals.

You got us to the finals."

I said, "No, I didn't.
My sick fans did."

[audience laughing]

And she goes, "This is
the big dance, Bill.

This is the big dance.

We can do whatever we want."

I go, "No, we can't.

She goes, "What do you mean?"

I go, "Honey, I'm 58.

I've got a torn groin, a
pulled hamstring, a bad knee.

We can't do whatever we want."

And she goes, "All right,
well, I'll keep that in mind."

I go, "Please do."

She goes, "All right,
here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna dance to
'Raiders of the Lost Ark.'

And the way it's gonna start

is you're on the
second-floor balcony,

and you're gonna
swing in on a rope.

And I'm like...
[audience laughing]

You know what?

At this point, why not? Why not?

If I go off in an ambulance,
it'll be big press.

[audience laughing]

Well, thank God, we
finally got eliminated.

And, by the way,
I joke with you,

but thank you for voting,

'cause it was one of
the funnest things

I've ever done in my life.
[audience cheering]

And do you want to
hear the sick part?

If they called me
tonight and said,

"We need you for
Monday," I'd go back.

It was just that much fun.

But after we got eliminated,

and the show was over,
my knee was just shot.

I went to my orthopedic
guy, and he said,

"I don't even know
how you're standing."

He said, "There's nothing
holding your knee together."

And I said, "Well,
what are we gonna do?"

And he goes, "Well,
we can inject it

with this gel every six months
but that's not gonna fix it."

And I said, "What's
gonna fix it?"

He said, "You need a
total knee replacement."

So December 15th, I had
a total knee replacement.

Have you had one? Yeah.

They're not fun.

Obviously everything went great,

because I'm standing in
front of you right now.

So I wake up in
my hospital room,

and my leg's in this machine
and it's moving around.

But something's weird.

You ever had that feeling
when you know something's off

but you can't figure
out what it is?

And I'm flipping around in bed.

And Gail goes, "What's
wrong with you?"

I go, "I don't know.
Something's weird."

And I flipped this way,

and something hits the
inside of my thigh.

And I went, "Oh, my God."

I have a catheter.
[audience laughing]

I've never had a
catheter before.

And they hurt.

And I said, "Do I
have a catheter in?"

She goes, "Yeah." And
I said, "How? Why?"

And she goes, "Well, Bill,
you were under sedation.

They don't want you
peeing the bed."

And I said, "Well, how long
do I have to have this?"

She goes, "They're coming
to take it out today."

And as if on cue,
the door opens,

and in walks this 24-year-old
brown-haired lady nurse

named Christie.
[audience laughing]

And Christie walks
in and she goes,

"Hi, Mr. Engvall. Big fan."

[audience laughing]

Not now.

And she goes, "I'm gonna be the
one removing your catheter."

Oh, God!

And I thought dancing with
a 24-year-old was awkward.

And then she goes, "I
have to tell you this."

She goes, "I've never
actually done this before."

[audience laughing]

"What? Well, go
practice on a dead guy!"

[audience laughing]

She goes, "I understand
it just feels like

a little bit of pressure."

And I'm thinking, "Oh, God!"

That's what the
prostate guy said.

[audience laughing]

She walks over to the
bed, pulls the sheet down,

lifts up my gown, looks down.

Now, here, let me tell you this.

I'm on every drug
known to man right now,

so I'm not real sure how
I'm representing myself

at this point in time.

[audience laughing]

She looks under my gown,
looks at me and says,

"Do you have pets?"

[audience laughing]

"What?"

She said, "Pets,
do you have pets?

I went...

"Yeah."

And she goes, "Me too."
[audience laughing]

She goes, "What kind
of pets do you have?"

And I went...

[audience laughing]

"I got a dog."

And she goes, "I love dogs."

She goes, "What kind
of dog do you have?"

And I said, "Is
there claw marks?

Is there something
I don't know about?

[audience laughing]

Why are you..."

And I looked at Gail and I said,

"What is she doing?"

And she goes, "Honey, she's
just trying to relax you."

I said, "Well, I'm not relaxed!"

When a 24-year-old girl
is looking at my junk,

I don't want to talk about
my Australian shepherd.

[audience laughing]

And by the way,

if you're a nurse and
this is your practice,

that's not relaxing.

[audience laughing]

If you want to relax
me, lift up my gown,

look under it, and then
look at me and go, "Whoa!"

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

Now I'm relaxed.

So she starts pulling this tube.

Yeah.

And apparently, it was
touching the back of my skull,

because she pulled for
what seemed like an hour.

And then I heard
[mimics popping] and
she goes, "All done."

I'm like, "Oh, God!

Could this get any worse?"

She starts to leave,
then she turns.

She goes, "Oh, one more thing."

I said, "What?"

She goes, "I can't discharge you

until you have a
bowel movement."

It just got worse.

'Cause I'm on a little
drug called Percocet.

And if you've been on Percocet,

you know there is
no bowel movement.

As a matter of fact,
I looked it up.

And Percocet is a Latin word.

And the definition is,

we've shoved a cork in your butt

and super-glued your
cheeks together.

[audience laughing]

I'm not kidding you.

I nearly had an aneurysm
just trying to fart.

[audience laughing]

So a couple days goes by.

And if you've ever
been on Percocet,

you know the moment I'm
about to talk about.

It's that moment you realize
you can go to the bathroom,

and it's the happiest
day of your life.

Right but I can't
just get out of bed,

'cause my leg's in this
machine and I can't walk yet.

So I have to call
the nurse's station.

And so I go, ding.

And the nurse goes, "Yes,
Mr. Engvall. Can I help you?"

And I said, "Hi.

Is Christie around?

[audience laughing]

And she goes, "No, she's down
the hall with another patient.

What can I help you with?"

And I don't want to just
say I got to go poop.

And I'm a comedian.
They know that.

So I'm trying to be funny.

So I go, "Yeah, would
you just tell her

I need to drop some
friends at the lake?"

[audience laughing]

And she said, "You
can't go to the lake.

You haven't been
discharged yet."

I'm like...
[audience laughing]

You know,

"Just tell her the turtle's
trying to get out of the pond."

[audience laughing]

And she goes, "You can't
have pets in the hospital."

I'm like, "Oh, my God! Are
you really not getting this?"

So I finally said,

"No, just tell her
I have to poop."

And she goes, "I'm sorry, you
cut out. What did you say?"

[audience laughing]
No, I did not!

I heard it through my door.

All of a sudden I hear, "Oh,
Christie, it's Mr. Engvall.

He has to poop."

Oh, God!

So Christie comes in all bubbly.

"So we're gonna give it a try?"

Would you not be so
bubbly about this?

So she gets me out of bed
and I get in my walker.

And we get into the bathroom.

And it's some kind of
like circus bathroom.

I mean, there's pipes and
bars and a swing and a net

and a guy selling popcorn.

It was just like...
[audience laughing]

And she gets me
seated on the toilet,

and she stands there.

[audience laughing]
I'm like...

I go, "This ain't gonna work
if you're standing here."

And she goes, "I
can't leave the room."

I go, "You've got
to leave the room."

And she goes, "I can't,

because you might
fall off the toilet."

And I go, "Oh, God!

I'm not gonna fall
off the toilet."

I go, "Just stand on the
other side of the door,

and if I think I'm gonna fall,

I'll give you a precursory,
whoa, whoa, whoa,

And then you run in
and save my life."

She said, "All right,
but I have to leave

the door cracked open."

I'm like, "Oh, God,
whatever. Just go."

'Cause I'm afraid this
feeling is gonna pass.

As we said earlier,

Percocet, there is
no bowel movement.

But what it does give
you is explosive gas.

And apparently I
had the bathroom

with the supersonic
microphone in the toilet

'cause every time I passed gas

I sound like the
bombs at Normandy

going [imitates bomb exploding].

And every time she
goes, "Success?"

I'm like, "Shut up!"

Finally, like, a BB dropped out.

And I'm like, "That counts!
That counts, right there."

So she leaves.

A couple hours later another
nurse comes in and goes,

"Okay, Mr. Engvall, it's time
for you to go to therapy."

The surgery doesn't hurt.

The physical therapy will
bring tears to your eyes.

I never thought the
words exercise bike

would make me cry
out loud, but it did.

So they come and they get me.

They get me out of bed,
and I get in my walker.

What am I, like, 90?
[audience laughing]

And if you've ever watched
anybody with a walker walk,

it makes a very distinct noise.

It goes [imitates
clicking and scraping].

What I don't know is the wing
of this hospital that I'm in,

all they do is hip
and knee replacement.

So they get me out to the
hallway to go to therapy,

and I'm walking down the hall,

and I'm hearing this [imitates
clicking and scraping].

And I look behind me,

and there's like 10 other
old guys and their walkers.

We're like a senior
citizen train

heading to physical therapy.

So we go to therapy
and we're coming back.

And the nurse says,
"Look, gentlemen,

if you don't want to go
back to your hospital rooms,

you can just sit here in
the common area and visit."

Nobody wants to go back
to their hospital rooms.

So we're all sitting
around kind of a circle,

and there's just
this awkward silence.

You know, we've all got
our walkers by our chairs.

And nobody's talking.
And I hate that.

So I thought, well, I got
to be the one to break this.

But I don't know these guys.

I don't know where they're
from or what their story is.

So I finally just look at
the guy across and I go,

"Hey man. What kind of tennis
balls you got on your walker?"

[audience laughing]

And he goes...

"Wilsons."

"Good brand. Smooth ride.

Yeah, they'll last a long time."

So finally people start talking.

Well, then naturally
the conversation got to

how did you end up here?

And I swear to you as I
am standing right here,

the guy to my left goes,

"Well, I was in
Vietnam. I was a pilot.

A plane got shot down.

I took some shrapnel
to the knee,

and it finally got so bad
they had to replace it."

[audience laughing]

The guy over here goes,

:I used to play for
the Houston Oilers,

and a 300-pound lineman
took out my knee,

and it finally got so arthritic
they had to replace it."

I'm like, "Oh, God."
[audience laughing]

And then one of them
goes, "What about you?"

I went, "Oh, God.

Well, boys,

I hurt mine doing the cha-cha."

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

There's no way to
make that sound tough.

You know, nobody's
gonna go, "Ooh."

You keep adding on,
it just gets worse.

Yeah, thank God I
had my leotards on,

because I heard it go.
[audience laughing]

And I finally get discharged.

But if you want to know what
my life is like in one moment,

this is it.

Gail comes and gets me,

and they wheel me
downstairs to the lobby,

and they give me my crutches.

And I'm just getting
ready to leave.

And I hear this, "Mr. Engvall."

And I turn around and on
the second-floor balcony

that looks over to the lobby,

it's Christie, my nurse.

And I said, "Hey, Christie,

I just want to say
thanks for everything.

You know, you guys
treated me really well."

And she goes, "I forgot
to tell you something."

I said, "What?"

And she went, "Whoa."

[audience cheering]
[audience laughing]

But you know what?

If you've had a
knee replacement,

you know what I'm talking about.

And I got to be honest with you.

I was really proud of myself,
because it was very painful.

It was one of the most painful
things I've ever been through

in my life, and
I got through it.

And I was really
proud of myself.

And I said, you know, you
just got through something

that's probably the
worst pain of your life.

Two days later, I
got a kidney stone.

[audience laughing]

Turns out I was wrong.

Oh, man.

I would not wish this
pain on the devil himself.

2:30 in the morning,
I'm in an emergency room

crying like a little girl,

ripping holes in the
sheets of the bed.

'Cause if you've had one, you
know what I'm talking about.

It's like the most
debilitating thing

that you can go through.

And I'm just like
going, [grunts].

And this nurse goes,

"Well, now you
know what it's like

to go through childbirth."
[audience laughing]

And I said through my tears,

"Well, then, ma'am,
y'all are stupid.

[audience laughing]

If this is what childbirth
is like, there'd be no kids."

And then they gave
me a little shot

of something called Dilaudid.

[audience laughing]

Why is this not in
every candy section

of every grocery store?

My brother-in-law said,

"You went from crying
like a little girl

to all of a sudden going,
'So, what's your name?'"

[audience laughing]

So I go to see my urologist.

And he goes, "Yeah, you
got a kidney stone."

I said, "So what
happens? I just pass it?"

And he goes, "Well, normally,
that's what would happen."

He said, "But Bill, you
have a very small urethra."

[audience laughing]

How do you even respond to that?

I said, "Well, you
know what, doc?

It's kind of cold in here."

[audience laughing]

He's like, "Sir, that has
nothing at all to do..."

There's three things in life
a man never wants to hear.

"You kiss like a dog."

"You throw like a girl."

And, "You have a
very small urethra."

[audience laughing]

So I said, "Well,
what's gonna happen?"

He goes, "Well, we're gonna
do this little procedure,

where we're gonna insert a tube

[audience laughing]

up through your wiener."

[audience laughing]

There's four things in life
[audience laughing]

a man never wants to hear.

And inserting a tube in
your wiener is numero uno.

He said, "What we'll do is
we'll put that tube up there,

then we'll take the laser
and we'll stick it up there

and we'll blast the stone."

And he said,
"You'll be sedated."

And I said, "Yes, I will.
[audience laughing]

As a matter of fact,

I want to be so sedated
that I see that light

and I want to walk
into it, all right?"

So they do the procedure.

They bring out the anesthesia.

And I said, "Did
you get the stone?"

And he goes, "Bill, I
have never had this happen

in my medical career."

[audience groaning]
And I'm like...

"Please don't tell me you lost
your wedding ring up there."

[audience laughing]

He said "No."

He said, "Your
urethra is so small,

we couldn't even get the laser
up there to blast the stone."

He said, "Is this hereditary?"

[audience laughing]

"I don't know!

Me and Pops never
had that chat."

"Well, son, you're 21.

It's time you learn about
the Engvall family curse.

Oh, we've all had
small urethras.

In fact, your
great-granddaddy Max Engvall,

he toured with Ripley's
Believe It or Not!,

his was so small."

So I said, "So
what happens now?"

And he goes, "Well, we
put a stent in there

to spread your urethra.
[audience groaning]

Leave it in there for two weeks.

We'll go back in
and get the stone."

So for two weeks
I have this stent.

I go back in, they put me under.

I come out and they
go, "We got the stone."

And I said, "Thank God."

And he said,

"You can pull the stent
out in a couple of days."

[audience laughing]

I'm sorry, what?

He said, "Yeah, you can
just pull the stent out."

And I go, "What am
I paying you to do?"

That's like gonna a
restaurant and going,

"Yeah, I'll have the
steak and lobster."

And they go, "Well, there's
the kitchen. Go cook it."

[audience laughing]

I said, "Dude, I'm a comedian.

I don't know how to
pull a stent out."

He goes, "You will."

And he leaves the room.

And I look under the sheet.

And without being too graphic,

I have a thread

hanging out of my wiener.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

I don't even sew.
[audience laughing]

And let me tell you something.

When you have a thread hanging
out of your ding-a-ling,

it makes it pretty
interesting to pee.

Every time I'd pee it
was like the fountains

at the Bellagio Hotel, just
[mimicking water spraying].

And Gail keep going, "Bill,
you're getting pee all over..."

I go, "Well, I got a thread

hanging out of my ding-a-ling!

Excuse me if the aim
is a little off!"

A couple days goes by,

and the doctor calls.

And he goes, "I need you to
pull the stent out today."

I'm like, "Oh, God."

I go, "Is this gonna hurt?"

And he goes, "No, no."

He goes, "Just take a couple
Percocet, you'll be fine."

"Wait a minute, if
it doesn't hurt,

why am I taking two Percocet?"

He said, "Well, I don't know
what your pain threshold is."

And I said, "Then
we're gonna have four."

[audience laughing]

So I eat my four Percocet.

And I looked at Gail and I said,

"Baby, you're gonna have
to help me with this."

And she goes, "What? No."
[audience laughing]

I go, "What do you mean, no?
What happened to our vows?

You know, for better or
worse. Sickness and health.

What if I hurt
you or damage it?"

I go, "What else could be
done to me at this point?"

[audience laughing]

And she goes,

"Well, I'm gonna have to
shotgun a couple beers."

I'm like...
[audience laughing]

Great, I'm on
Percocet, you're drunk,

and we're performing
a medical procedure.

This ought to be awesome.
[audience laughing]

So she literally shotguns
two beers in front of me

and then goes, "All
right, let's do this."

And I go, "Not with that
look on your face, ma'am.

You slap a smile on
that face, sister."

So we go upstairs and
I lay down on the bed,

and she takes hold of
the string and she goes,

"Oh, wait, I got an idea."

And I said, "What?"

And she goes, "Why don't we tie
the string to the doorknob."

[audience laughing]

And I go, "What?" [laughs]

I go, "This isn't
a loose tooth!"

She starts pulling the string.

I go, "Stop, stop.

This is just too weird."

And she goes, "Thank God.
I need another beer."

And like, ran out of the room.
[audience laughing]

Stent is a very small word.

So I assumed this was
a very small apparatus.

14 inches long.
[audience groaning]

Yeah, I pulled this thing
to the end of my length.

I had to go back and
get the rest of it.

And finally it came out
and I go, "It's out."

And I hear from the bathroom,

[imitates beer can
opening] "Thank God!"

[audience laughing]

She said, "You want me
to bring the trash can?"

I said, "No.

No, I'm gonna hang this
from my rearview mirror."

[audience laughing]

And she said, "Why?"

And I go, "So the next
time I'm having a bad day,

I can look at that
mirror and go,

you know what? It
could be worse."

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

And then two days
later, I got shingles.

[audience laughing]

I'm scared to go to
the doctor anymore.

I'm afraid the doctor's
gonna look at Gail and go,

"Ma'am, just sell him for
parts. It's just not worth it."

And all this stuff, all this
stuff we've talked about,

the "Dancing with the Stars,"

my crazy genes in my family
that I'm scared to hell

is gonna come back and haunt me.

You know, the menopause that
someone won't acknowledge.

You know, we're praying
to God my son finishes

his 10-year plan this semester.

It's just like, my God,
son, just sit in class.

Something will sink
in, I swear to you.

And then trying to get TV shows

and trying to get this
show ready to film.

I've got so much stress
in my life right now,

I don't even sleep at night.

I'm up till 4:30,
5:00 every morning,

'cause my little pea-sized
brain won't shut down.

And, yes, I know.

I finally went to my
doctor and I said,

"Doc, you got to write
me a prescription

to help me sleep at night."

And he goes, "Oh, Bill,

I don't like writing
prescriptions for pills.

They got bad side effects."

I go, "Dude, I'm dying here."

He said, "Bill, I never thought

I'd say this in my
medical career."

He said, "Have you ever
tried medical marijuana?"

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

I said, "Doc, I've never even
tried un-medical marijuana."

[audience laughing]

I said, "I'm not going to
jail 'cause I can't sleep."

He goes, "No, no, no. You're
not gonna go to jail."

He said, "Here in California,

for medical reasons it's legal."

He said, "I'm gonna
write you this card,

and I want you to take it to
the dispensary down the road."

And I said, "What's
a dispensary?"

He goes, "It's
like a drugstore."

So I'm thinking, all right,
it's like a Walgreens

or a CVS, you know?

People in lab coats
with name tags.

No, it's a pot store.
[audience laughing]

I walk in this store, and
there's five white guys

with dreadlocks
that want to hug me.

All right?

Have you ever walked into a bar,

and the second you walk through
the door your brain went,

"Ooh, wrong bar."
[audience laughing]

That's what this was.

I walk in, I looked around
and went, oh, hell, no.

And I turned to leave.

And as I turned to leave,

I hear this voice
from behind me go,

"Well, hello, my friend."
[audience laughing]

And I turn around,
and there's this kid.

And he goes, "My name is Peace."

I said, "Well, Peace, I think
I'm in the wrong place."

And he goes, "Well,
what brought you here?"

And I go, "Well, my doctor-"

He goes, "Oh, so now you're
smarter than your doctor."

[audience laughing]

"What?"

He goes, "Well, your
doctor sent you here,

but apparently on the
way over you found a cure

for whatever it was.

So AKA,
[audience laughing]

you're smarter
than your doctor."

And I remember
thinking to myself,

I'm being run circles
around by a pothead.

I should be quicker than this.

And I go, "Well, he
gave me this card."

And he goes, "Oh,

the key to the kingdom."

[audience laughing]

He goes, "Let me see your card."

So I hand him my
card and he goes,

"Oh, having little problems
going nighty-night, are we?"

[audience laughing]

What am I, seven?
"Yeah, I guess."

He goes, "Well, turn
around, my friend,

and welcome to Shangri-la."

And I turn around, and
there is a full-on wall

of jars of marijuana.

And they all had names.

But they weren't medical names.

They were names like Bubba Kush,

apey grapey, Cindy cinnamon.

I'm in the Ben & Jerry's of pot.

[audience laughing]

And he pulls this
jar off the wall.

And all I saw was
the name comatose.

And he takes them out
and puts it in a scale,

weighs it, and puts it in
a bag and staples it shut.

And then he goes, "Now
you go home and enjoy."

I had parked my car 50
feet from this pot store.

This was me walking
back to my car

with this bag of marijuana.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, well, I know
the cops are right

around the corner going,

"He's got the bag; take
the shot, take the shot!"

I get to my car.
I open the trunk.

I take the spare tire out. I
put the pot in the wheel well.

I put the spare
tire on top of that.

A dead body, some
lime and a tarp.

I'm driving 15 miles an
hour in a six-lane freeway

with my blinker on nine
miles before my exit,

'cause I don't want to
raise any red flags.

And the whole time I'm
thinking, "What have you done?

You don't smoke pot.

You don't even know
how to smoke pot."

And then the other side of
brain goes, "Everybody, shut up.

Just shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Now, a roommate in
college smoked pot,

and he always had these
papers called Zig-Zags.

And he bought them at
a convenience store.

And I remember thinking,
I don't remember having

this many voices in my head.

So I pull into this 7-Eleven.

Y'all, I'm 58.

You would have thought
I was a 12-year-old boy

trying to buy his very
first "Hustler" magazine.

I walk in the store. The
clerk goes, "What's up?"

I go, "What's up with
you, my brother?"

[audience laughing]

He goes...

I don't know what came over me.

He goes, "What do you want?"

I go, "I'll tell you
what I want, my friend.

I want a Slurpee, Slim
Jims and Zig-Zags."

And he goes, "Dude, it's
not illegal to buy papers."

And I said, "Was it that bad?"

And he went, "Jesus!"
[audience laughing]

So I get my papers.
I drive home.

I run down to the basement,

'cause I can't tell
Gail about this.

She's way anti-pot.

She won't even let
me go backstage

at a Willie Nelson concert.
[audience laughing]

Well, she goes to
bed that night.

I'm down in the basement. I
got the pot, I got the papers.

I'm like...

Now what?

'Cause I don't smoke, I've
never rolled a cigarette.

So I'm rolling what
I think is a joint,

and it ends up looking
like a chewed-up toothpick.

And I go, I can't smoke that.

And all of a sudden I
went, oh, wait a minute.

I got my granddaddy's pipes.

My granddaddy was a pipe,

you remember your grandpa's
tray of five pipes?

So I rummage
through this closet.

I find one of
granddaddy's pipes.

I put the pot in it.

Then I stood up, and I'm
looking right in the mirror.

And I went, "Oh, my God.
[audience laughing]

I look like Ward Cleaver
trying to get high right now."

[audience laughing]

This would have been
a great episode.

Ward puffing on that pipe.

[lips smacking]

[audience laughing]

[Bill laughing]

Hey, June.
[audience laughing]

We named our kid Beaver!
[audience laughing]

Okay, back to the basement.

I lit this pot. I took one puff.

Oh, my God, I coughed so hard,

I thought my liver was
gonna jump out of my mouth.

I woke Gail up two flights up.

I'm in the basement
going [coughs].

[audience laughing]

And Gail goes, "Bill!"

[audience laughing]

"Where are you?"

[audience laughing]

She goes, "Bill!"

I'm like, "Damn it, how
are you doing that?"

[audience laughing]

And she goes, "Are
you all right?"

And I'm like...

[audience laughing]

"Where's my Pink Floyd albums?

[audience laughing]

I need to hear "Hey
You" right now."

And they don't tell you the
weird stuff you think about

when you're high.

When you get high
for the first time,

there should be somebody
there to help you.

Like a shaman.

You know, some Indian spirit.

And he goes, "Hey, man, relax.

This is all real."

I'm baked out of my
gourd in our basement,

and this thought
pops in my head.

whoa, you're high,

yet you're low.

[audience laughing]

Well, I cannot deal
with that right now.

And the paranoia? Oh, my God.

I just flushed the
pot down the toilet.

Yeah, I couldn't deal with it.

And I called my
doctor and I said,

"What the hell was that?"

He goes, "What?"

And I go, "Dude,
I coughed so hard

I thought you would have
to replace my liver."

And he goes, "Oh, Bill,
you don't smoke it.

You eat it."

And I said, "What?"
[audience laughing]

He goes, "They have
these brownies."

I said, "Yeah, I saw those."

He goes, "Well, the
pot's in the brownies."

He goes, "Go back and get a
week's worth of brownies."

So I go back to the pot
store. There's Peace.

"What up?
[audience laughing]

So, how'd it go?"

And I go, "Well, to be honest,

I coughed till I thought they
were gonna replace my liver."

And he goes, "Well, you
know the old saying."

[audience laughing]

"What?"

He goes, "You got to
cough to get off."

Well, that doesn't
even make sense.

And he goes, "What are
you doing back here?"

And I go, "Well, I'm supposed
to get some brownies."

And he goes, "Oh!

Most excellent choice."

[audience laughing]

So he goes and gets
me my brownies.

Well, y'all, these brownies
are the size of postcards.

And there's no dosage on them.

They don't say, hey, all
you need is a corner.

[audience laughing]

I go home, go down
to the basement,

I ate the whole brownie.

[audience laughing]

And I was fine for 20 minutes.

And then I didn't have a body.

[audience laughing]

And I pretty much freaked out.

I'm in my basement
going, "Oh, my God!

I'm just a head on the
floor in my basement!

How am I gonna get out of here?

A head can't roll upstairs.

Oh, God, and Gail's gonna
have to push me around

in a baby stroller

and go, 'Hi, this is my
husband, Bill, the Head.

Well, yeah, he
doesn't have a body,

'cause he experimented with
marijuana, didn't you?'"

And I am freaking out. And
I go, I got to calm down.

I got to watch some
TV. I turn on my TV.

You don't think there's
karma gods out there?

What comes on?

"Cops."
[audience laughing]

Yeah. Yeah.

And there's a police helicopter.

It's right above my
house. I can hear it.

I'm going, "Oh, my
God! Oh, my God!

I'm going to jail
and I'm just a head.

Who knows what kind of
sick, disgusting things

they'll do to a head in jail?"

Then I realized, it's
not a police helicopter.

It's our ceiling fan clicking
around in our basement.

[audience laughing]

And then the phone
rang, and it was my mom.

[audience groaning]

Oh, I don't care if
you're 58 or you're 15.

When you're high,

the last voice you need
to hear is your mother.

How I answered the
phone, I don't know.

I'm just a head.

And I said, "Hello?"

And she goes, "Hi,
honey. It's Mom."

I went, "Oh, God.

Hi, Mom."

And she goes, "What
are you doing?"

I went, "Nothing.
[audience laughing]

Sure not doing marijuana."

I go, "What do you want, Mom?

This really isn't a good time."

She goes, "Well, honey, I'm
calling you from the hospital."

And I said, "What?"

She goes, "Your father
was having chest pains."

I said, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Is Dad having a heart attack?"

She goes, "No,
honey, relax. Jeez.

The doctor just says
he has acute angina."

[audience laughing]

"He has a what?"

"He has acute angina."

I go, "Stop saying that, Mom!"

She goes, "Saying what?"

I go, "That my dad
has a cute vagina!"

[audience laughing]

She goes, "I think I
have the wrong number."

I go, "I think you do!"
[audience laughing]

Well, now I'm
completely freaked out.

I'm like, oh, my God!

My father

has a vagina.

[audience laughing]

Well, that explains
the small urethra.

There you go.
[audience laughing]

I mean, my God!

How did I even get here?
[audience laughing]

Oh, my God. My
mother has a wiener.

My mother has a wiener!
[audience laughing]

We're gonna be on
"Maury Povich."

Oh, my God.

No wonder we never
went to the beach.

And I must have been
screaming all this out loud,

because Gail came
running down the stairs.

She goes, "What is
wrong with you?"

I go, "Well, pretty
big bombshell today.

I just found out my father

has a vagina."
[audience laughing]

She goes, "No, he doesn't."

I said, "Yes, he does! And
apparently it's a cute one!"

[audience laughing]

I passed out.

I woke up with
the worst headache

I've ever had in my life.

Not from the marijuana,

but because I slept on
the floor for 17 hours.

[audience laughing]

And when I [laughs],

when I finally came to, the
first thing I did was go,

"Oh, thank God it's back."

[audience laughing]

And then I called my dad.

He really didn't understand
the conversation.

[audience laughing]

And I'm just in this fog.

And all I want's
a cup of coffee.

And I stagger upstairs.

And I walk in the
kitchen, and I look up

and there's Gail lying
on the breakfast table,

drinking milk out of the carton,

which she never does.

I go, "What are you doing?"

She goes, "Where'd you
get these brownies?

They're delicious!"
[audience applauding]

I said, "Welcome to Shangri-la."

[audience laughing]

You guys are awesome.

I knew you would be.

- We love you, Bill!
- Thank you, buddy.

I love y'all too, man. You guys-

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

I got to tell you,

when I started this silly
business 35 years ago,

I never thought it'd be this.

I mean, I thought I'd do
it for a year, maybe two.

And y'all have stuck with me
through 35 years of comedy.

And God bless your
hearts, you keep doing it.

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

And I love people
that love to laugh.

I love to laugh myself.

As a matter of fact,

people come up to me after
the show and they go,

"Are you laughing
at your own jokes?"

I'm like, "Please.

[audience laughing]
I've heard them."

[audience laughing]

But what makes me laugh
is if I tell you a joke

and I see it hits somebody,
they didn't see it coming.

Or if you trip and fall.

[audience laughing]

I'll help you up,
but I'm gonna laugh.

Just know that.

And I'll tell you what,
laughter will get you through

some rough bumps
in the road, man.

A few years back I went
home to see my dad,

because his best
friend had passed away

and it just tore my old man up.

You know, I'd never
seen Dad like that.

And as we're walking out
of our house in the suits

to go to the
funeral, he's crying.

And I'm trying to
find the right words

to make him feel better
like I know he'd do for me.

And just nothing's
working, you know?

And this is where I
honestly believe this.

That even in the
darkest of times,

if you're willing
to look hard enough,

the good Lord will
give you a smile.

That's right, about that second,

my best friend from
high school drives up.

And he is an idiot.

I love him to death,

but he's dumber
than a bag of rocks.

And he hollers from his
car, "Engvall, you dirtbag!

[audience laughing]

You didn't call me
when you hit town,

did you, Mr. Hollywood?

Why you all dressed up,
stupid? It ain't Sunday."

I said, "Jimmy, we're going
to Mr. Howard's funeral."

And he goes, "Oh, hell.

Did he die?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "No, but he
ain't feeling good,

so we're having a
dress rehearsal."

[audience laughing]

Here's your sign.

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

I'll tell you what.

Y'all have been great.

I'm gonna give you a
few of my favorites

over the past 35
years of doing this.

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

And, unfortunately,
my lovely bride

holds position one and two.

[audience laughing]

And she's not stupid, good God.

She's the smartest person
I ever met in my life.

But some of the stuff that
comes out of that woman's mouth.

We decided we was
gonna get TiVo.

So I went over to Best
Buy to pick it up.

It said on the box, installs
in 30 minutes or less. [scoffs]

Apparently they never met me.

Eight hours later, I
got this thing going.

And I don't know how they do it,

but it is amazing.

Gail came down to the basement.
"Honey, this is crazy."

I go, "Watch this.

I can pause live sports."

And she goes, "And
they'll just wait?"

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Mm-hmm.
[audience laughing]

"But if I leave it on too long,
the commissioner calls me."

[audience laughing]

Here's your sign.

I was doing a show like
this one time for a company,

and they wanted it to be a
surprise for the employees

that I was the entertainment.

So they flew me in
the night before

at this resort on their
little puddle jumper airplane,

which I was not thrilled about.

And we flew in at night.

And when we land on
the runway at night,

we hit a deer with our airplane.

[audience laughing]
Oh, it whacked this deer.

It broke the propeller.

We skidded off the runway.

And I laugh now
'cause I'm alive,

but I called Gail and I said,

"Sweetie, you're not
gonna believe this one."

I go, "We just hit a
deer with our airplane."

And she goes, "Oh, no."

And then there was a pause.
[audience laughing]

And I could hear those
little gears just grinding.

And then she goes, "Wait,
were you on the ground?"

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

I said, "Nope, Santa was
making one last run."

[audience laughing]

Here's your sign.

[audience applauding]

All right, all
right, I'll fess up.

I always make fun
of other people.

But I'll tell you one
that happened to me.

A couple of years back I
had to get a vasectomy.

And I'm sitting in the doctor...

You know what just hit me?

In the last two years,

I've had more people touch
my junk than Fred Sanford.

[audience laughing]

That ain't right.

Well, I'm sitting in this chair.

I got my shirt on, but I'm
naked from the waist down.

My feet are up on
these stirrups.

Ladies, I don't know how
you do it, I swear to God.

And the doctor's down
there just kind of...

[audience laughing]

Tugging on my sac.

[audience laughing]

Awkward.

[audience laughing]

Well, I didn't know
what else to do.

So I just started whistling.

[audience laughing]

It seemed right at the time!

He's tugging away and
I'm just [whistles].

All of a sudden this head

[audience laughing]

peeks up between my legs.

I can't believe I'm
telling you this.

[audience laughing]

This head peeks
up between my legs

and he goes, "You trying
to distract yourself?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "No, I'm
just so comfortable

I forgot I wasn't alone."

[audience laughing]

Here's your sign.

God bless you guys.
Thank you very much.

[audience cheering]
[upbeat music]