Original subtitles

(CHEERFUL MUSIC)

- Say 'divorce'.

- Divorce! (SHUTTER CLICKS)

- Apparently, she won't be making any further statements

until the article's out in the Woman's Monthly.

At least, that's what she said on the show this morning. There you go.

- Hold on. She announced our divorce on television?

- OK, let's take five. I need a kombucha.

- I mean, you know, the public needs to know every little detail

so they can write their nasty little opinions in the comments section under fake aliases.

There you go.

- You aired our dirty laundry on the show without giving me any warning.

Now you're making me do a bloody PR divorce story.

- After the fiasco at the Meat Gala, I'd be a certified moron to leave you in charge of our story.

- Our story? Mm. This feels pretty much like a Lou yarn to me.

- This is the deal we signed with the mag.

- The engagement article, the marriage, the birth, divorce, the remarriage and the death.

- I'm dying on the inside right now. Does that count as an article?

- No, it does not. But if you're planning on dying on the outside,

let me know, and I'll get the stylist to book the black frock.

- Ooh, I recognise that suit. Property of Morning Glory, if I'm not mistaken �

so if you're in it, it's stolen property.

- What are you talking about? I got this custom-made for Fashion Week last year.

- Yeah, and custom-paid-for with our credit card,

so you can take your custom-made arms and take that custom-made suit off.

- What am I gonna wear? - I'm sure they'll find something nice lying around here.

- OK,

now say... 'arr'.

- BOTH: Arr. (SHUTTER CLICKS)

- # Ooh.

# I'd give it up, give it up, give it up to be with you. #

- This skirt is itchy.

- Ohh.

Well, you might have caught something off Captain Jack Sparrow over there. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, nice one (!) Good dad work, flipping the bird at the daughter.

You're fine, sweetie. You can go.

- Hey, just so you know, darling, that finger wasn't aimed at you.

What's with the pad? Are you still silent treatment-ing me?

READS: Y... E... S.

(SIGHS) I had no choice. That lady made me take her.

READS: Yes, you did have a cheese...

choice. You chase...

chose... her.

Well, technically, I chose both of you.

- All right, now let's have a nice, smiley, happy family one, yeah, OK?

No one's bitter about this divorce. It's all amicable � no bad blood whatsoever.

Yay! Lovely jubbly. (SHUTTER CLICKS)

OK, now a sad one. Sad. OK? The family's going their separate ways.

Yeah, it's a broken home, and you are all devastated.

- VINCE AND EVIE: Can we go home now?

- Soon, sweetie. Mummy's gotta do one more shoot with her new man.

- Uh, that's not who you are.

- I'm gonna go wait in the car.

- Uh, seriously?

- It's a work angle. Sky's the limit when you're solo.

- Yeah, and Morning Glory are very supportive of solo mothers,

and that's why we like to wrap our support network around them.

- That... - Oi. Ahoy. - Oh, sorry.

- Cap'n, look, your lusty lawyer lady, she's just texted, and she is spitting tacks, OK?

You gotta walk the plank. Come on, peg leg.

- Honestly, who was the genius behind you two hooking up and going to Meat Fest?

- Uh, just for the record, it's the Meat Gala, and there was, like, zero hooking up.

- Oh, and for the record, I was mentally and physically prepared

to hook up if, you know, things got spicy.

- I'm just trying to wrap my head around what you were thinking, cos...

- He wanted to take me. - I didn't even wanna take her.

- I just went for the free meat. - OK, cos you've compromised yourselves,

you've compromised the case, and you've compromised me, so...

I'm out. - What? No.

- No. I didn't wanna compromise anyone, especially you. - Well, you did. I'm compromised.

And I'm not gonna risk my professional integrity or my personal sanity

for either of you two irresponsible vagabonds.

I'm out. I'm gone.

- But legal boss lady, no! What about my case?

Who the hell am I gonna sue now?

- Wow, she is...

- Really hot. I know.

- Oh, you really missed the memo on that interaction. - Thank you.

- Um, ex-fricking-squeeze me, that's not how this works.

I'm your boss. I pay you money to hang out with me all day, be my bestie, make me money,

and if we happen to ruin Vince Walter's life in the process,

then that's just a fun little added bonus.

- Listen, Bethanae, I know life has dealt you and Brayden a tough hand.

OK? - OK. Hold up. One second. The light is beautiful right now.

This is gonna make excellent social� - No, no. Do not film me.

- Slay. OK, you were saying? - I was saying you did something very stupid

when you went to the meat market with Vince... - Meat Gala.

- ...the same man who you were claiming caused you emotional scarring.

There is not a judge in the country who would rule for you now.

- OK, that's totally not the crack-up, amazing content I thought it was gonna be.

Look, Heidi, come on.

I've seen you in full boss bitch mode. You could totally bust some judge's nuts.

- Yeah, I could, but I'm not busting any nuts for you.

I'm gonna get the firm to put another lawyer on your case.

I'm done. I'm out. Don't call me. Don't text me.

- What about email? - No.

- WhatsApp? - Don't have it.

- Well, you really should, cos it's practically, like, free calling. - Good luck and goodbye, Bethanae.

- What about your Instagram DMs?

LinkedIn? I googled you. I know you have a LinkedIn. (ENGINE STARTS)

(HORN HONKS) - OK, fine! Fine. I'm out of the way.

(UPBEAT, JAZZY MUSIC)

- And bon...

appetit.

(SIGHS) Come on, Eves. I'm trying.

- Yeah, you are very trying.

And you should never be allowed in a kitchen. Ugh.

- So...

does this mean I'm forgiven for MeatGate?

- Which one? The gala or this?

(FOOD THUNKS) You know what?

Yeah, I'll forgive you. First, you gotta sign this.

- Hey, school camp? Nice one. That'll be lit AF.

- Please don't say that ever again. - Don't worry, I instantly regretted it. Um...

This is in two days. - It's been sitting in my bag for two months.

I've been trying to find my way out of it, and now I've found it � parental guilt. So sign it.

- So hold on, you want me to sign this saying you're not gonna go?

- I don't do dumb egg and spoon races, dumb trust fall exercises...

How can I do a trust fall when I don't trust anybody at my school?

- Darling, just because we think things are gonna be dumb,

doesn't necessarily mean they're gonna be dumb.

Sometimes when we do scary stuff, we end up having the time of our lives.

Hey, camp is how I got my nickname 'Slippery Vince'.

- Appropriate. - Yeah, I'll cop that.

But I climbed to the top of the campground's tallest tree,

Trunkasaurus. It was bad-arse.

- And...?

- And then slipped off the top.

Yeah, that's where the 'slippery' part came into it.

- And that's why you suffer crippling, lifelong acrophobia.

- Hey, I am perfectly fine with heights, as long as they're not underneath me. You know this.

- Dad, that was a shocking example to try and get me to go to camp.

Sign that, and you get my full forgiveness. - Hey.

Knife down.

How about I go with you? - You?

- Slippery Vince. - You?

- Damn right. I loved camp. I was the campest of all the camp kids.

It'll be fun. The mosquitoes, the bunk beds with zero orthopaedic support,

the weird adult campground leaders who probably should have police background checks.

We'll have the time of our lives. Come on.

- OK. - OK?

As in... OK?

- Don't ruin the moment.

You're out of cayenne.

- How can we be out of something I didn't even know we had in the first place?

Leave it with me.

(LIGHT, CHEERFUL MUSIC CONTINUES, FADES)

Balcony.

Balcony.

Baaalconyyy! (DOOR OPENS)

- Are you serious? What do you want? - You seem like a worldly person.

Are you in possession of cayenne pepper?

- You don't have to make up weird excuses just to talk to me, you know.

- I'm not. I'm in desperate need of some, despite not actually knowing what we need it for.

- I'll be right back. - Thank you.

- Well, well, well.

If it isn't my compromised lawyer with my compromised nemesis.

- Yes.

Legend.

So, you know, I get it.

- Get what? - You know, why you ditched that she-devil client of yours.

Cos you care � you care about me. You care about us.

- You are unbelievable. - Thank you. You're not so bad yourself.

- I dumped Bethanae because you are as batshit crazy as each other.

- (SIGHS) Come on. Do I seem like the type of person to wander into a children's hospital

and take off his pants in front of the kids live on TV?

- You're a lot of very annoying things. - Mm.

- No. You don't really seem like that sort of person.

- Looking very compromised indeed.

(CRASH!)

- Rupert? - Yeah.

- Good luck. And thank you. You're a lifesaver.

Got the cayenne, sweetheart!

- Com-pro-mised.

- Your shoulders never looked better. (CHUCKLES) You can barely see that stupid bloody pirate shirt.

- What do you mean, stupid pirate shirt? You said I looked handsome and dangerous. They were your words.

- READS: 'Now she's ditched the old news ex...'

It's good they didn't mention your name.

'...free of the dead weight, she is ready to live her best life. Career-wise, the sky is the limit.'

- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anything for me? What do we got?

- No, nothing. At least you weren't misquoted.

- What happened to 'Share your story, get your truth out there'?

- Oh, on that, good news.

- I don't know how much more good news-ing I can take today, to be honest.

- Now the divorce is public, I got you a spot on the hottest new reality TV show �

Celebrity Break Up Beach.

- ON LAPTOP: They've been burnt by their exes.

(CHUCKLES) Now it's time for them to be burnt by the sun

on Celebrity Break Up Beach.

- I am a full-time influencer, part-time expecting mother.

I was not expecting this baby, nor my ex sliding into that skank's DMs.

- Scorned celebrities compete for their chosen charity � and a year's worth of child support payments.

- I'm the former foreign affairs minister, and I've had (CHUCKLES) a lot of foreign affairs.

But then the wife found out, and she voted me out of the house.

Now she wants to keep me from seeing the kids, but I� (VOICE CRACKS) I really miss them.

- Yeah? That could be you.

- I just wanna see 'em. Hey, Leon Junior, I love you, buddy.

Leona, you're Daddy's little girl, (SOBS) OK?

- 10 washed-up celebrities find themselves washed up on the shores of Celebrity Break Up Beach.

- Timing couldn't be more perfect. So what do you reckon?

- What do I reckon? - Mm.

- I reckon I would never lower myself to go on that tragic excuse for a TV show.

He even says 'washed up'. What are you on about?

- It's a beach. It's just a fun pun. - It's not a fun pun to washed-up people, is it?

- (SIGHS) Vince. Do you want the truth?

- Yeah. Love the truth. Give it to me straight.

- You are not only on the shores of washed-up beach;

you are teetering on the cliffs of television oblivion.

I've tried. I have bribed and conned, offered appropriate and inappropriate favours.

I mean, my hands are tied. And, yeah, I offered that up as well.

It is this or hosting late-night chafing cream infomercials.

- Can you do me a favour? - What?

- Never give it to me straight again. Really hurt my feelings.

(SIGHS) All this for something I didn't even do!

No one even wants to hear from me. No one wants to hear my truth, do they?

- Oh, gee, Vince, if only we could get you in front of a camera

with people wanting you to talk about your feelings 24/7 (!)

- Balls-up Beach. - Yes.

- (SIGHS) All right, I'll do it. Celebrity Bum Beach, sign me up.

- Signed up. - But I know how these things work � it's all rigged.

Celebrities flounce around on the sand for a couple of hours,

stay in a five-star hotel jacked up on a cocktail of anxiety meds. - Sounds like my dream holiday.

- So I want you to negotiate me into the final two �

maximum screen time for this face to speak its truth.

Vincie's back, and he's got some stuff to say.

- We are back, baby. Right, pack your bags, cos the shoot starts tomorrow.

- Tomorrow? No can do. I promised Evie I'd take her to camp.

- Oh. - Just get them to reschedule.

- Once upon a time, they might've changed the dates, Vince,

but not for the old news, dead weight, washed-up Vince, they won't.

- What did I just say about giving it to me straight?

- Vince, you got a decision to make. It's the career or that kid.

- (SIGHS)

(MELANCHOLY SOUL MUSIC)

- # And I've been driftin'...

# too slow,

# yeah,

# like the summer sun...

(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

# ...like the night is young.

(TARPAULIN RUSTLES)

# Oh, oh. #

(CHATTER)

- ...got lunch in, like, two hours. - Yup, just let me do my thing, and we'll get right into it. OK?

- What are, um...

What are these for? - So that you don't catch melanoma �

which, by the way, you can't sue production for.

- Hey, uh, while I've got you there, when do we get to speak...

our truth?

- All right, we're just going to do a few establishing shots, so take your places.

And remember, we're all looking broken-hearted and/or vengeful.

Here we go.

Holding there, and... action!

- Beside me, an eclectic line-up of desperado divorcees,

standing broken-hearted on the broken shells of the seashore of emptiness.

They've all been burnt by their exes;

now it's time for them to be burnt by the sun.

This is... (WAVE CRASHES)

...Celebrity Break Up Beach.

- And cut!

LAUGHS: Nice.

That is the take. Uh, let's get into the intros.

- So, really, how was it? - Oh, perfect.

- How you going? Vince Walters.

- You are perfect. - I am perfect, aren't I?

(MELANCHOLY SOUL MUSIC)

Time for a heart-to-heart with our broken-hearted.

Introduce yourselves, lonely people.

We'll start with you. - Gidday. Uh, I'm disgraced politician Leon Pilkington.

Um, my wife won't let me see the kids, but I know that they watch television.

So kids, if you're watching � Daddy loves you, and your mother is a lying whore, OK? Don't believe her lies,

all right? - OK, we'll definitely be editing that out.

And, uh, who do we have here? (LAUGHS) Well, if it isn't our old friend �

and emphasis on the 'old', I mean, look at him � Vince Walters!

And what have you come dressed as today, mate? - Oh, it's a funny story.

I missed the memo on what these were meant to be used for, and I can now� I now see their purpose.

And I would've thought maybe someone from the team would've told me before we started filming,

but hey, here we are. Actually, on that,

the real reason I actually came on the show was to talk about having your voice taken

and not being heard, and that's a message I'd love to get across. - Right on, Vinnie.

Hey, look, Marie, listen, I only married you because of your pretty feet, OK? Pretty feet, ugly heart,

all right? - I was� Yeah, I was actually gonna say there's two sides

to every story, was where I was heading with� - OK, moving along.

Now, Colette � now, your ex ran off with your twin sister. I mean... (WINCES) ouch.

(RELAXED MUSIC)

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

- Hey. - (SCREAMS, SIGHS)

- So, look, I was thinking about that whole Vince Walters thing.

- There is no Vince Walters thing. - OK, agree to disagree.

Did you know he, like, practically tried to groom me?

Yeah. He, like, lured me to his house, got me drunk on 'Volmante',

didn't even put out, and then he tried to buy my silence

with air fryers and cordless vacuum cleaners.

- Listen to me, Bethanae. I am not going to represent you.

Please get out of my car, or I will have to� - Or you'll what?

Go hold hands with the enemy in a gentle caress? (VIDEO PLAYS)

- ON VIDEO: You're a lot of very annoying things, but no, you don't... - Ah. Oh, what's that?

- ...really seem like that sort of person. - (GASPS MOCKINGLY)

- No, no. That� - Oh, that... Is that not

my lawyer fraternising with the exact same cancelled breakfast host

she's supposed to be suing?

(CHUCKLES) @CancerMum has been betrayed again, eh?

Lawyers, celebrities � you can't trust them.

Where are the victim's rights in this?

You know, all me and my #CancerKid want is justice...

and a large sum deposited into my bank account.

Yet all I get deposited are lies.

- Bethanae� - You shush your sweet little sugar lips, OK?

I thought you were gonna be my best friend.

Hmm. I suppose your bosses might be interested in seeing this spicy little clip, wouldn't they?

Unless I deleted it.

I suppose I could delete it if, say, a certain boss bitch lawyer

were to change her mind and represent me again.

- Are you blackmailing me? - Look, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna go pick out a gorgeous outfit for court

and warn my bank that there's gonna be a butt ton of money coming their way,

and you are gonna stay up all night and prep to take Vince Walters for every last cent.

Sound like a plan?

Love ya. (KISSES) Bye.

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

- (SIGHS)

- This is 'Axe Your Ex'.

They split up with you; now you must split up your exes' faces.

The first team to throw an axe into every one of their exes' faces wins the challenge.

- Seems a little bit... - Bloodthirsty?

- Mm-hm. - Yeah.

- Contestants, are you ready? Three, two, one�

- Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Don't cut me. Don't� Cut the camera. Shut the cameras off. Turn them off.

- WHISPERS: Am I cutting? - (MOUTHS)

- What are we doing? We're literally about to chuck axes into the faces of people we loved.

- Yeah! - No, not 'yeah'.

(SIGHS) We probably still love them.

Lou's a good person.

She doesn't deserve me hiffing axes in her face on TV.

Listen, you all seem like lovely, decent...

mildly deranged people, hmm?

But I know one thing �

every single one of you

has a story to tell. (BIRDSONG)

Your truth. Yeah?

But you don't feel heard. Well, this show's not the answer, trust me.

Him? He doesn't wanna help.

He doesn't wanna heal. He doesn't care about the truth.

In fact, you wanna know the truth?

My agent negotiated me into the final two of this shitbox of a reality show.

Yeah, that happened. The point is... it's all rigged.

It's not even reality.

They want us to break.

They want us to melt down.

They want us to act like lunatics.

All they wanna do is screw with your mind, yeah?

Don't let them. Let's talk,

get our truth out there. Come on.

Let's come together...

as one.

- Hey, man, shut up.

Let's axe our ex!

(WHOOSH!) (ROARS) - (YELPS)

(THUNK!) - Oh! One point for orange!

- Yeah! Got her! - Here we go.

(DOOR SLIDES OPEN)

(DOOR SLIDES SHUT)

- Hey! My stuff!

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

(SHAWN LEE'S 'WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH')

(DESOLATE MUSIC)

- # When the dinosaurs

# ruled the earth...

# they had the reach

# and the girth.

- (BELLOWS DEEPLY, DISTORTED)

(THUD!)

(THUD!)

(THUD!)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- # 145 million BC,

# long before they had MTV,

# Cretaceous period was the end.

# Adios, my friend. #

- BELLOWS: Evie!

(HORN TOOTS, CAR DOOR OPENS)

- Probably gonna regret asking this, but do you need a lift?

You don't plan on kidnapping me or wearing my skin?

Harvesting my organs?

All right, copper. Hop in.

(EASY-LISTENING MUSIC)

(ENGINE STARTS)

- # Ba, da, da, da, da.

# Ba, ba, da, da, da.

# You know I've been here before, girl. Don't you know

# it's nowhere I wanna be? #

- (GRUNTS)

(TAP! TAP!)

- What was that? - That?

That's the international signal for, 'You're good to go, mate.'

(THUD!) Tap, tap.

- Mate, I'll go when I'm good and ready, thanks. - OK. Well, bye.

(TAP! TAP!) - Stop doing that.

(TAP! TAP!) - Tap, tap. - What's wrong with you?

- Evie! Evie!

Evie! Ow. Ow. (GRAVEL CRUNCHES)

It's me, darling.

Agh, fuck.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. She wanted me to say that her grandad is picking her up.

- Uh, OK, that's fine. I'll just go and see her.

- No, because she also wanted me to say go away, she has no father.

- Sorry, I didn't catch your name. - Well, I didn't throw it.

- OK, salty child, will you tell her

that DNA says she does have a father

and he's standing right here? Hmm?

- SHOUTS: Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

- No stranger danger! No� Technically, yes, I am a stranger to some of you, but I am not dangerous.

Not at all. No danger, I promise.

- Vincent Raymond Walters?

- How did you know my middle name? - You've been summonsed.

- Why wouldn't you tell me this when you picked me up?

- Would've made the car ride 10 times more awkward, wouldn't it?

- But Bethanae's dropped the case. - You've been summonsed to family court.

- By who? - Mm-mm.

Do you wanna do the tap-tap thing again?

Oh, you look like you're not in the mood. I'll just� I'll just go away.

(WISTFUL DOO-WOP MUSIC)

- # I hear angels...

# singing above.

# They're sending me visions,

# visions of love.

# You are the answer

# to all my dreams. #

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