Original subtitles

BIRD WHISTLES, HE GASPS

Uhn!

HE WHIMPERS

What the hell is going on?!

Good morning. Good morning. Breaking news just in.

The men have surrendered to

the Housework Action Group's demands and...

...The Verderer, whose whereabouts are uncertain,

has suffered a vote of no confidence.

Women can now claim monthly chore benefit,

thanks to Janet, who has ring-fenced funding.

Well, it better not be from the cheese eating competition coffers.

The mandatory men's training with Pig Man and his cloth

can now begin.

It's an historic victory for the women.

And though the strike may be over in our community,

it's only just beginning in others.

Stationers from Gloucester to Bristol

have run out of ledgers

as the Housework Action Group's membership swells.

Progress has been made,

but the strike brought out language that

should have been consigned to the history books.

Have you ever been called a witch?

And, if so, why?

Sheila's on line one.

The husband called me a witch, Joy,

just for laughing at him last winter when we climbed up Snowdon

and his todger went up inside him.

Oh, we can't win can we, Sheila?

Wendy is on line two.

My old boss called me a witch, Joy,

just for telling him to make his own fucking tea.

Drown and we're innocent,

float and we're guilty.

Hey, Wendy? What image comes to mind when you hear the word

"witch"?

Linda Jane...

Seems to me, a witch is just

a woman who knows her own power.

Let's all be witches.

WOMAN WHISTLES

Ah! Ugh!

Do you know what this is, Verderer?

Well, one of your bloody lesbo dominatrix sex torture implements

I...I imagine.

God knows who's mouth this has been in.

It's called a scold's bridle.

Well, if I get mouth herpes, I'll be suing you, Agnes Watkins.

Do you know, men used put women in this years back? To silence 'em.

If they thought they spoke too much or too strongly.

Yeah, called 'em witches, paraded 'em round the streets.

You're a stain on Fayther's legacy.

SHE SPITS

You ain't gonna use that.

Ain't I?

Man, or fish, Verderer -

a head is a head.

An' I've bashed in a lot of heads.

Mm. Mm.

Ow!

Aargh! My verruca!

Argh.

Does he remember anything?

No, just, er, told him a pot fell.

THEY CHUCKLE

Erm...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

I haven't really had a chance to talk to you,

but, er,

thanks for inviting me last night, it was really special.

And, erm, there's something else.

The Mother Tree,

she's grown a shoot.

The cycle of life, eh.

Mm.

Yeah.

I think we should celebrate.

VERDERER: Water! Water!

Yeah, we, er... Actually, we should Verderer to sing, right?

Sing? He's got a beautiful voice. Made himself cry once.

Yeah, he was on Stars In Their Eyes years back.

But after Gary Glitter got arrested,

they just buried the episode, you know.

I think we should just keep it simple.

BOTH: Mm.

But he should be there though.

Do the honours then, Linda.

So you had it.

Well, don't expect the �100 reward.

Hardly bedtime reading for the young Eel sisters.

You have no right talking about Fayther.

Well, I do, actually.

What with him being my dad and all.

You may be his biological child, Linda, but...

...Fayther chose me.

He loved me more than his own flesh and blood.

He left me his book, didn't he?

He'd be proud of me right now.

On the whole.

Gotcha!

Oh!

Wow.

So truffles evolved to have that pungent odour

so that they could be smelt through layers of soil?

Exactly.

So that the boar can find them?

Because the truffle WANTS to be found and eaten

and shat out. To reproduce.

So...

...once the truffle is dug up and eaten, its work is done.

That's right.

The cycle is complete.

Imagine being so in control of your own destiny,

so sure of your purpose in life.

No truffle has ever lost its identity...

...had a midlife crisis,

...feared the aging process...

...compared itself to younger truffles.

Being young isn't the best part of life.

Being older isn't the worst. They're just...

...different stages of the cycle.

Yeah, but,

being younger is much better, Linda.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

I coughed yesterday and did a little wee.

Well, look who it is. The Verderer has arrived,

which means I'm out of time.

So let's hope that today marks the beginning of

a more harmonious period between the sexes.

Oh.

Bad night, Verderer?

Huh!

GULPING VIGOROUSLY

Ah!

Good morning, good morning, good morning.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT The strike may be over,

but the war rages on.

Who's with me?

Eh?

Eh.

Uh, leet's go to line one.

Line one, hello?

STATIC

Line t... Line two.

Line two. Hello, you're on the air.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Well, apologies about this, gents.

We seem to be having technical problems with the lines.

Line three. Please.

STATIC CONTINUES

Line three?

Back after this.

STATIC SPUTTERING

Ooh.

There we go. Mm. Thank you.

To the Mother Tree. ALL To the Mother Tree.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

You know, we've been piecing things together and we realised that,

our mayther left because of your mayther.

Oh? Yeah, I mean, out of all of them,

she was the only one what really made him laugh.

Mayther made peace with the sex but of course,

Fayther shagged half the town. No, the two of them laughing together,

that felt like the real betrayal. You know?

Echoing round the forest.

Mm.

Sorry.

That must have been...

...very difficult.

It was.

GULPS HER DRINK

Christ, you swallow loudly, Linda.

LINDA SCOFFS

Yes. Apparently so.

Right, gonna get down to the stump.

Was weird, right?

Was a bit loud, yeah. Should get that seen too.

Linda.

Yeah?

It should have clicked when I saw your smile.

You've got his wonky smile.

And his wonky gait.

It would be easier to find out who wasn't Fayther's child, wouldn't it?

Hm!

Don't gloat, Joy? Please.

Come to the Mother Tree celebration, Jim.

No.

Ryan's got a surprise for you.

For me? Have a think about it.

MUSIC: Untitled Love Song by Angels Of Light

Everything in this forest started like this.

And this started beneath our feet.

Underground.

The fungal networks weaving their magic through the soil.

Every living thing has a natural life cycle.

And every living thing dies.

And that's the natural order.

We fear it,

but we can learn from the mushrooms,

and try to embrace it...

...live a life of purpose,

like truffles.

We mourn endings,

but we must also celebrate new beginnings.

May all your transitions be joyful.

ALL: May all your transitions be joyful.

? And drug me with visions untrue

? But I own a photograph

? You're laying naked upon your back

? Safe in a stone house

? By the sea-ea-ea

? There's nothing true and nothing's real

? But I remember one clear feel

? Warm beneath your gentle company... ?

Do you think the soul is a solid? You know, like an organ.

Like a liver or a spleen.

Or is it... Is it like a gas, like gas?

Like gas.

Oh. I...I don't think I'm the right person

to ask about this sort of bodily thing, Tone.

I've only just found out that I wee through my urethra.

And not my... you know. Anyway, sorry.

Why did you want to know about the soul?

Oh. Cos I've been reading that Desmond Morris, yeah?

And he reckons a man's soul is located in his testicles.

Right?

And a woman's soul is located in her ovaries. Right?

And we become immortal

by reproducing and passing on our genes.

Oh, right.

Desmond Morris from Animal Magic?

No, that's Johnny Morris!

Did he have a chimp?

They both had chimps.

Eh?

Desmond Morris... Yeah. ..is a zoologist...

Right? Right. ..who had a chimp called Congo

that was also an artist. Right?

And Johnny Morris

presented his TV show from a zoo

and he had a chimp that was his friend.

Sorry, hang on.

There's... There's two blokes called Morris...

Yes. ..whose jobs both have the word "zoo" in them...

Yes.

...and they both had friends who were chimps?

That's right.

Struggling with this.

Menopause.

I don't know nothing about the menopause.

Well, you should.

Well, it don't affect me.

Do you know any women?

Oh, I know plenty of women.

Well, then it does affect you, doesn't it?

Right. See, the thing about Desmond Morris, right? Mm.

If he's right,

and the soul is a solid, right... Mm-hm.

...and it is located in a man's testicles...

I think that I can feel my soul.

Have you got a lump in your testicles, Tone?

No.

Well, if you have, then it's not your soul,

and I'd check it immediately.

Well, that's very generous of you, Linda,

but I think I'll go and see a doctor.

Uh...

Ah!

HE CHUCKLES

Ah, there you go,

I thought you were Grandmayther size?

You look just like her.

Hey. Do I have to wear the plaits?

Cos it's really pulling on my hair and it's really itchy.

Right. Does the rain moan about being wet, Linda? Eh?

It's an honour to wear Grandmayther's clothes,

and hair Linda.

Be disrespectful not to wear the whole thing.

I am honoured, of course.

Right, shall we get going, then, Ags?

Oh, where you off to?

Just a few weeks away is all, Linda.

A few weeks?!

I can't run the cafe by myself!

How do you even catch an eel?

Just use your hands, you daft cunt.

Yeah, don't worry, you won't be running this place by yourself, Linda.

No we, er, we made a few calls.

Help is on its way, Linda.

What are you laughing at?

I'm not a cunt, actually.

And it'll be mash and mash for two weeks.

Eh? Nothing.

CAR DOORS CLOSE

ENGINE STARTS

HORN BLARES

? Oh, Sally, my dear

? It's you I'd be kissing

? She smiled and replied, "You don't know what you're missing

? Oh, Sally, my dear

? I wish I could wed you

? Oh, Sally, my dear

? I wish I could bed you... ?

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