Original subtitles

SHE SCOFFS

SHE SCOFFS AGAIN

Come here. Here.

On no level was you fornicating with Siobhain,

next to me, while I was asleep, OK.

See, I thought I'd lost my virginity at 15, Linda.

But in hindsight,

I think Siobhain took it the other night.

Ugh! I'm not having this conversation.

I mean, yeah, I know about all this role play stuff, you know,

people pretending to be firemen, nurses, plumbers,

but dogs?

I never knew you could feel degraded and liberated at the same time.

But I'm worried it might come back and bite me on the bum.

Like she Siobhain did. Please.

Cos them pictures, they're on the cloud now. Out of context.

Are you OK?

I don't think the lice are gonna be enough for me anymore.

? Wolf mother, where you been?

? You look so worn, so thin

? You're a taker, devil's maker Let me hear you sing, hey-ya, hey-ya

? Wolf father, at the door You don't smile anymore

? You're a drifter, a shapeshifter

? Let me see you run, hey-ya, hey-ya

? Holy light, oh, burn the night Oh, keep the spirits strong

? Watch it grow, child of woe Oh, keep holding on

? When I run through the deep dark forest long after this begun

? Where the sun would set, the trees were dead and the rivers were none

? And I hope for a trace to lead me back home from this place

? But there was no sound, there was only me and my disgrace... ?

When are you gonna stop all this pointless dick-bashing, Linda?

TOENAIL CLIPS Argh! Please, Siobhain.

Do them outside.

That's not very joyful of you, Linda, is it?

NAIL CLIPS AGAIN

Why is it so loud? It's just nail.

Vitamin B, Lin.

I could dig through frozen soil with these.

If I were a bird. In winter. And I needed a worm.

What are you on about?

Where you going?

Housework Action Group meeting.

Then I'm gonna try out a new vegan mushroom eel recipe.

Housewife Action Group? Mushroom vegan eels?

You are a Guardian reader's wet dream.

And whose wet dream are you? Jim Davidson's?

And have a wash. You smell like a bin.

'In the latest Ledgergate news,

The Verderer's ill-advised strategy for the men

to withhold sex until their wives "come to their senses"

has catastrophically backfired.

The majority of women have enthusiastically welcomed

a period of celibacy,

and are now rethinking their sexuality.

It's another blow for the men,

and not the kind they were hoping for.'

The thing is, Linda,

going on strike is all very well in theory,

but the reality is, if the women don't do everything,

stuff is either not done or it's done badly,

and they have to do it again,

and so what the women wanna know is,

how does it all end?

They don't wanna live in a pigsty,

the kids are getting sick through malnutrition,

school trips and clubs, they're being missed, and the men...

the men are using the same cloth to do everything with.

They're not ... they're not even wringing the water out,

before wiping down surfaces.

Do you know,

nice women don't make the history books, Janet.

My proposals are, one. All housework, and childcare,

and mental load divided equally.

Two. Chore benefit.

Like... like child benefit, but for chores?

Exactly. Oh!

Jesus, Janet!

I've had a thought, Linda.

I'm off to reread section 137 of the 1972 Local Government Act.

Call me.

Oh, yeah, I'll text you later. Yeah, yeah.

You best have a plan B, Verderer.

The women have gone from vacuuming carpets to munching 'em.

I got a plan B.

And we shall prevail against these wanton succubi.

Hah? These agents of the Devil.

Oh, Shirley, I've spilt me pint. Can you give us a cloth?

Get it yourself, you lazy gobshite.

Eh? What? You're at work, you're not at home.

The strike doesn't apply here.

I am at home. I live upstairs.

Well, this is ridiculous!

Jesus on a stick.

And rinse it and wring it out when you're done.

All right.

'Ark at 'er when she's at home, eh?

HE MUTTERS

Have you warned them?

Warned who?

The men. About what?

Vegan mushroom eels.

No, I didn't mention the V word. I was vague,

said something about a new recipe, you know,

healthier, full of vitamins and natural aphrodisiacs and that.

Bit of peri-peri.

See the problem with the menopause is that a lot of

the symptoms could be other things, right, so you don't know

if it's the menopause or if it's something else going on.

I know.

Like I don't know if my achy joints is down to hormones

or sleeping standing up.

Exactly. Like,

is my murderous rage due to a lack of oestrogen or is it

because Colin Cockface can't pronounce my name right?

I swear to God, Ags, if he calls me THeresa one more time

I'll tape his fucking mouth shut with an HRT patch.

Just put a hex on him, Tree.

Much easier than asking men to stop doing things.

Mm.

HARMONICA PLAYS GENTLE MELODY

Good morning. Good Morning. Er...

Not feeling great today.

Didn't sleep well.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna head off to the Severn Bridge to end it all.

Not... not after last time.

You'd think they'd let me off the parking ticket,

all things considered.

But, er, no.

No, er... no anger today. Just, er...

...just sadness and emptiness.

Very sad.

And, er, very empty.

A heaviness, you know?

Don't make sense, does it?

To feel both empty and heavy.

Anyway,

onwards and upwards.

One day at a time. One day at a time.

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.

The topic for today is of course Ledgergate.

CHUCKLING: Honestly, it's like the plot of a terrible

feminazi lesbo porno movie. You know?

Easy Rider meets Handmaid's Tale

meets The Riddle of the Sphinx.

Now, I don't know about you boys, but that would,

that would not get me going in any way whatsoever.

Back after this.

COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS

Have you heard about Jeremiah's baby?

What that it came out laughing?

No. The birthmark.

Oh.

Which Watkins ancestor do you reckon has come back this time then, eh?

Well, hopefully not great great great grandfayther Josiah.

Hmm, yeah, well, we'll found out soon enough

if the nipper starts eating his own faeces.

Oh, and did you hear that Jeremiah lost the placenta on

the way home from the hospital? Sally can't bury it.

What so the baby's not anchored to the earth? No.

How'd he lose it then?

He was pissed as a fart. Worrying thing is,

it was wrapped up in paper like a package from the butchers.

Ew. Well, best avoid the kebab shop for a few days then.

Gonna have a serious problem, that kid.

Oh, yeah.

Especially if it's great great great grandfayther Josiah reincarnated.

Oh! But he has got the Watkins webbed toes.

Ah. Best swimmers in the forest.

Is that an harmonic in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

THEY CHUCKLE

I have this effect on men.

They say you're never more than six feet away from a rat.

Well, I'm never more than six feet away from a semi.

Well, it's good to see you, Siobhain. I'll, er...

...I'll leave you to your privacy.

You're not my type anyway.

I need to speak to you.

I never understood why it was just me with webbed toes.

Well, I do now. Eh?

I think that Fayther might be my real dad.

And you know something. And I know that you do.

Well, I do know that mum was having an affair

with someone down here for years. But that's all I know.

So he could be my dad, then?

Did Dad know? Yes.

So Dad knew. And you knew.

And everyone knew except me.

That explains everything, doesn't it?

Why I felt like an outsider.

Because... because I was.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it wasn't my place. Not your place?!

Well, no. I was a child. It was Mum's place.

And she told me not to tell you,

she said it was "our little secret".

You know what Mum was like.

She was always pitting us against each other.

You took what you could get.

Love crumbs.

And I resented you.

You were the reason Mum and Dad fought.

What do you mean?

You were a reminder of her deceit.

What about after she died?

Was there no point in the past 40 years when you could've told me?

Well, I wanted to,

but then as time passed it got harder and harder.

I cannot believe that you have known all these years.

And still been vile to me.

Cos it's not that big a deal, Linda.

I'm not who I thought I was, Siobhain.

None of us are who we thought we were. Deal with it.

..Have you ever seen the rain?

? Comin' down on a sunny day

? Yesterday and days before

? Sun is cold and rain is hard, I know

? It's been that way for all my time

? Till forever on it goes

? Through the circle fast and slow I know

? It can't stop I wonder

? I wanna know have you ever seen the rain?

? I wanna know have you ever seen the rain?

? Comin' down on a sunny day ... ?

Thing with these ledgers is,

it's different chores on different days.

I mean, do we have to stick to that,

or can I put a wash on on a different day than she did?

What's this? The Feminist Manifesto?

Oh. Right.

I'll be taking this poisonous propaganda, thank you, gentlemen.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Theresa.

What the fuck did you put in those vegan mushroom eels, Linda?

The men are going fucking apeshit.

Shit.

? Oh, Sally my dear, it's you I'd be kissing

? She smiled and replied. "You don't know what you're missing"

? Oh, Sally my dear, I wish I could wed you

? Oh, Sally my dear, I wish I could bed you...

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