Original subtitles

"Since happiness doesn't exist, it's necessary to be happy without it."

Once upon a time there was and still is, Torresecca.

A small town 50 km from Rome,

gently nestled on that town-planning gem

that everyone knows as "Via Prenestina".

The first unforgettable moment in its history was in 1963,

when Rai TV devoted 9 seconds to the town.

Another was in 1974,

when at 11:30 am, the Giro d'ltalia passed through the first and last time.

The third reason Torresecca is remembered, is my family.

But first let me introduce them to you, one by one.

This is my father, Danilo Tucci. He left school when he was nine.

He's been plaiting mozzarella in the cheese factory "Panzarella & Sons"

since the age of 14.

But in spite of this, he still enjoys eating it.

Tucci, are you eating the mozzarella?

Quality control.

I pay you for quantity, not for quality.

- Get back to work. - Gimme a break!

A lover of engines, his dream is to own a Formula One team,

but for now he has a van that was already old at Woodstock.

This is my mother Loredana, housewife by vocation.

She has one mission in life:

to disinfect the world, and our home in particular.

Watch what you're doing!

Calm down, you've cleaned that oven three times since this morning!

It's not my fault germs reproduce in the afternoon.

I didn't know germs get aroused at dusk. What if I get aroused?

Let go! Hands off, I'm cleaning.

Mum and Dad make the best supplì in the world.

He makes the rice mixture, and she coats and fries them.

In spite of their dubious diet,

they've been in love for almost 25 years.

Look, darling. Here, taste this.

- Is it good? - It's bloody delicious!

They've never moved from Torresecca in all this time.

My sister Tamara, on the other hand, has travelled far and wide...

but only in her imagination.

She learnt to read at 9 and still has some problems

with the double consonants.

Lucky for her, audio books were invented.

Mum, I'm reading! Can you vacuum more quietly, please?

She's the only person besides Dad who works in this family,

and she dreams of flying to New York

to meet her idol, Paris Hilton.

This is my Uncle Marcello, Mum's brother,

who's lived on our sofa bed as long as I've known him.

He spends his days devising new plant hybrids.

His latest creation is...

- The "cacalmond"! - Cacalmond?

Part cacao, part almond. What do you think?

Hard as a rock.

On the outside, that's the almond,

but the cacao part is inside.

It's only a prototype, it'll improve.

But there are lots of other products.

Try the prickince: prickly pear and quince.

Or the grapefruit and melon: the gropelon!

Why don't you grow tomatoes and broccoli to save us some money?

I can't grow broccoli and tomatoes!

I'm not a farmer, you know! I'm an agriculturalist!

- Yeah... - Calm down!

Danilo, leave him alone!

My mother worked hard to send him to university!

And I work hard to feed him! And boy, can he eat!

Rub it in!

Quiet! I'm watching the last episode of "Sin and Shame".

Grandma Nicoletta lives with us too.

Since Granddad died, she's become a TV drama junkie,

and Gabriel Garko is her favourite actor.

Why couldn't I have a son like Gabry?

What's with this familiarity, is he a friend of yours?

- What's he got that I haven't? - An income, to start with.

Not to mention his looks. You look like a giant hamster.

Thank you, you're so kind.

And this is me. My name's Kevi, without the N.

Dad found out it had an N only after registering my birth.

Kevi, that's enough homework!

Do something normal, like play football, or beat up a friend.

You worry me!

- Okay, Mum. - For the love of God...

It's not too bad being part of this family,

though I find it hard to adapt to their low level of education.

Our financial situation wasn't the healthiest...

at least not until that evening.

Supplì! Supplì! Supplì!

- All for Tuccis! - And Tuccis for all!

Quiet.

And now for the Superwin draw.

Mum played the same numbers every week:

the dates of birth of the people she admires most...

100 million Euros.

Pope Francis and Al Bano.

17-12-36.

- The Pope's birthday... - 20...

5 - 43.

Al Bano!

The Tuccis have always stood out for their self-control.

Wait, wait, wait!

Say that again, how much have we won?

100 million! Jesus, Joseph and Mary.

- 100 million lire is peanuts! - In Euros, Grandma!

- How much is that then? - 200 billion lire!

Quiet, don't be a hooligan, people will hear! Cheer quietly, like this...

Cheer quietly? Why?

I want everyone to hear!

You poor suckers...

do you know who's won 100 million?

Not us!

The identity of the lucky winner of 100 million Euros is still unknown.

We're here in Torresecca to get some idea,

and to hear what the winner's fellow townsmen have to say.

Let's start with Mr. Massimo.

What do you think of this mammoth win?

Drop dead, all of you!

All rich scum must die!

Who bought you this outfit?

You've come to Torresecca to...

- She's a reporter from Ski. - You mean SKY.

We have Mr. Edoardo here too.

I'll ask you the same question. What do you think of this win?

I think it's someone from the town. I'd bet my balls.

Oh God! Can you say "balls" on Ski? Yes, you have Ski football.

It's SKY. You're not supposed to say...

But why a towns person? Couldn't it be a tourist?

In Torresecca?

She's not right in the head!

If you feed "Torresecca" into the sat nav

it says "I'll take you there, but stop 200 metres short of it."

- Understand? - Yes.

If you knew the winners, what would you say to them?

- To give us a hand! - Who?

- Us. - The rich never help anyone.

They can drop dead!

There. Have you got the idea?

If we start lending money, we'll soon be broke.

- No one must know we've won. - I get it.

We have to remain tacit.

- What? - Pretend nothing's happened.

Exactly, that's right, Kevi!

A few weeks later, the winning money came into our possession.

- All clear, there's no one around. - Of course not, it's 3 am.

Tamara, over there.

Come with me, or you'll trip.

Kevi, you stay here.

We had 100 million in the bank, but had to keep it a secret.

Marcello, go and stand guard outside the church.

- Get your card out. - Wait, I can't find it.

Stop pulling, behave.

- Good evening. - Evening. What are you doing?

Going for a late night walk, my mongrel's got cystitis.

- Going to the ATM? - What?

- Going to the ATM? - Is that an ATM?

- What did you think it was? - A vending machine for condoms!

- Still at it at your age? - Hell yeah!

We're still very sexually active!

My wife might look a bit scruffy right now,

but we have enough rides to consume condoms like mints!

- You'll make me blush! - Have a nice ride then...

- I mean, good evening. - Good evening!

- Bye. - Get out of here...

Wow, those Tuccis... they're still at it...

Holy Virgin! What's happened? What are you doing here?

- Who? - You.

- You know... - Huh?

- I couldn't wait. - Problems with your prostate?

No, I couldn't wait to confess.

Right now? Hold it in till tomorrow.

No, it really can't wait...

The Lord doesn't work part-time. He works around the clock.

Around the clock, my foot!

The Lord is Almighty and can go to bed when he pleases.

Well, we'll wake him up because I have sinned...

in thought, word, deed and omission.

Pin number.

- How much shall I take out? - Exaggerate, 150.

Here.

It's fantastic.

Did you hear the sound it made when it came out?

- Can we do it again? - Tomorrow.

- Please, again! - Has it got you aroused?

- No! - You've never asked me for a repeat!

- People will see us here. - Just a withdrawal.

- You're scaring me. - Just one withdrawal.

Mission accomplished.

All done.

Where's Marcello?

I have to admit, father, a shiver ran all the way down my spine.

- Is that all? - Yes.

There isn't something you haven't got the guts to tell me about?

Something you're wringing your little heart over?

Something you want to shout out loud?

Such as, for example, "I've won 100 million Euros"?

Quiet! Don't shout! I'm not the winner.

- Sure? - Of course.

Why are you asking me?

I'm not asking you, I'm asking everyone.

- In the secret of the confessional. - Yeah, I see.

But why do you care who won the 100 million?

Why do I care?

When Christ performed the miracle of the loaves and the fishes,

- did he eat them all himself? - Yes.

No! He shared them out. Do you understand?

And when he went to his friend's wedding feast,

and turned water into wine, did he get drunk all by himself?

- Yes. - No!

The miracle is that they all got drunk.

Marcello, we need a miracle. Speak up! Confess!

I didn't win it. I confess I didn't win it.

- Swear! - I swear.

No, you have to swear on St. Severa,

Queen of the Dead, Virgin, Martyr and Crucified!

Let's not exaggerate!

I mean, virgin, martyr, queen of the dead...

A bit jinxed this saint...

Jinxed?!

Yes, but she's in Heaven and you're here acting the fool.

So this insult will cost you two extra Hail Marys.

Our Father who art in Heaven...

On Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread...

And lead us not into temptation...

Hosanna in the highest... I'm not worthy to partake at your table...

Mea culpa mea culpa...

- Where did you get to? - I was lucky, I plea-bargained.

He gave me 12 Our Fathers and 4 Hail Marys.

We got one 50-euro note and five 20-euro notes. So exciting!

Come inside.

- Hail Mary... - Enough of that.

I have to finish it before tomorrow morning.

Kevi, how many times have I told you not to leave toys lying around?

It's not a toy!

That's a robot vacuum cleaner, it's called Robot Rumba.

Are you crazy?

It vacuums all by itself, it'll save my back.

I told you to lay low

and you buy a flying saucer to do the cleaning?

I bought it in Palestrina where no one knows us!

You mustn't go to Palestrina. Everyone knows us there!

- What's going on? - She went shopping in Palestrina.

- Spending money like wild. - Loredana, I'm surprised at you.

This poor man is right then. What did he tell you?

Not to buy anything.

- What have you got there? - What?

Show me! Turn round!

Arms on the table. Spread your legs.

Get your hands off!

- What's this? - It looks like a mobile.

- Whose is it? - Not mine...

You put it in my pocket to frame me! You rogue!

- Did anyone see you buy it? - No one saw me.

I didn't buy it from a shop. I bought it on Amazon.

What's "Amazo"?

An online store you buy from via computer.

We don't have a computer!

I don't either. It's Tamara's.

- Did you buy a computer? - It's not for me.

#grandmaaskedmeto.

Yes, I needed one to see SkyGo when I'm not here.

Everyone's buying what they want. Am I the only fool among us?

What do you mean?

You've got your health, human warmth, you live like the Queen Mother.

Yeah, right... I can't afford to have my hair dyed!

- I look like an old wizard. - Hair dye won't fix you.

- What else have you bought? - Nothing.

I'll get it.

- Yes? - A nice parcel for Marcello.

It was only some Jehovah's Witnesses.

You don't get it, do you? No one must know about the money!

It's not fair! What's the point of winning if we can't spend it?

Marcello's right. I tell you what...

If you don't buy me a new TV,

I'll tell everyone about our winnings!

- Are you blackmailing us? - Yes!

Yes...

I want this one!

It's gorgeous! I've always wanted one!

And it's all mine! Get your hand off, it's mine.

An excellent choice, ma'am.

- How much is it? - We have a special discount today.

120-inch screen, only 43,000 Euros.

- 'Snot bad... - He said it was a good price.

We can deliver it within 24 hours. Just leave me your address.

It's easy to find.

Do you know where Torresecca is?

Drive down the Prenestina until you get to a gas station...

- Are you giving her our address? - Yes.

- Oh, yes... - Can you wrap it up?

What if someone comes to the house, how will we hide it?

It's bigger than a cinema screen.

You wanted it.

- Marcello, Danilo... - Who's there?

Good evening.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

What are you doing?

- Just unloading something. - Yes...

It looks heavy... Hold Gremlin's lead for me.

- Need a hand? - Thanks!

We can manage, thanks.

What do you mean? It's heavy. Give us a hand.

Wait a minute...

- What is it? - This?

- What is it? - It's a thingy.

Very nice...

An orthopedic mattress.

- For my mother... - Of course.

Let me see.

This is a 120-inch TV!

It must have cost 20,000 Euros!

- 20,000 Euros? - 20,000 Euros.

43,000 with a discount.

- You're such a dickhead! - I am.

- Do you think I'm stupid? - No.

I'd like to know how a pair of poor wretches like you two

can afford a TV worth 43,000 Euros.

How did we do it? We went to the Unieuro store...

- And...? - We went there and we...

You...?

- What? - Huh?

Huh?

- We stole it. - Yes!

We didn't mean to steal it, we did it for Mum's sake...

because she wants to watch "Game of Thrones".

Marcello wanted to make his mother happy.

The last wish of a poor human larva

now gaga with arteriosclerosis, and with one foot in the grave.

Easy, that's my mother you're talking about.

You're the one who's gaga.

- Are you going to the police? - Of course not.

But if no one saw you, they can't charge you without the TV...

What do you mean "without the TV"?

That we have to get rid of the stolen goods.

- Get rid of it? - Throw it away!

Throw it away? In the recycling bin?

No, where everyone in town throws things they don't need.

- Where? - In the pond!

No, not in the pond!

One, two...

two and a half...

and three!

If you don't let go, it'll stay here.

Thanks, Edoardo. If it wasn't for you...

If we don't help each other out...

- Thanks a bunch. - It was nothing.

Shall we give you a lift back in the car?

No, I'll go for a stroll around the pond. It's more romantic.

- Here. - Good evening.

Yeah, good evening...

Now what?

I've had an idea. Let's share out the tasks.

You go to the van and get some rope.

Then I'll tie you to this pole.

You walk into the pond, dive into the mud...

tie it around the TV and I'll pull you out... okay?

Are you crazy?

Apart from the fact that this water's disgusting...

There are huge rats with swimming certificates in there. No way!

You don't get it, do you?

- You jump in then! - But why?

You're the strongest, you've got an athlete's build.

Look at you! Look at those chest muscles!

- Shall I tell you what we'll do? - Yes.

If that TV is not in the house in five minutes...

- Yes? - I'll throw you both in the pond!

- Have I made myself clear? - Very clear.

Just think, there's someone in town who has won all that money.

The bastards! I hope they spend it all in medicines...

No, we have to learn to rejoice in other people's happiness.

No, they can drop dead. Have a heart attack while they're counting it.

Tucci, staff announcement.

I've hired a new, young and lively plaiter.

- You're back milking the buffalos. - What?

I've been waiting years for promotion, to burrata cheese.

- Or squacquerone cheese! - You're lucky I've kept you on.

So you have to pull strings if you want to get ahead here!

Danilo, that's enough!

Another word and you'll go back to being the poor wretch you've always been!

No, that's where you're wrong...

I'm not a poor wretch! I'm rich!

I'm the guy who won the 100 million! Understand?

I'm not the poor wretch, you are!

- Disaster's struck. - Your moped got stolen?

If only! I went and told everybody we'd won the money.

- Lord have mercy! - What?

If I'd spilled the beans you'd have kicked up a fuss!

What the fuck, Danilo!

- Now what? - I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Let's not panic.

Perhaps Panzarella and the others are decent folk.

- Decent? - They'll keep it to themselves...

Think so?

We're coming live from Torresecca, outside the Tucci family's home.

They have not granted us an interview yet.

But we're with the priest of St. Severa Church, Fr. Genesio.

- I'll let him speak. - Let me speak?

That rogue Marcello swore to me in the confessional,

he swore they weren't the winners.

Swearing falsely in the confessional is a very serious sin!

- Shouldn't you keep it secret? - Yes.

But not when people talk crap!

If Marcello thinks he can get away with a tiny tax donation, he's wrong.

I want 20%! Not 8%!

Quiet, or they'll hear us!

The suitcases on top. Plants first.

We're here waiting for someone from the Tucci family to come out

and make a statement.

No, no statements for the moment.

Why are you crying? You're always complaining we never travel.

But I didn't want to leave like this!

- Not like thieves! - We had no choice!

We're exiles then?

We're migrants.

- We've run away. - Ah, right.

We're filthy rich now, and the filthy rich don't live in Torresecca!

That's right. Where do they live then?

Good question. Where are we going?

The city with the greatest per capita income is Milan.

Per what?

Most rich people live in Milan or at least in the north.

Then why didn't we move to the north of Rome?

You're such a peasant!

The Expo wasn't held in the north of Rome, was it? No!

Where do the TV people live? Pigneto, Torre Maura? No!

- The gentlefolk live in Milan. - I agree with Mum.

But if we don't like it there, we'll come back here, okay?

That's right...

Oh God! #iwannadie, I forgot my phone charger!

#whatdoesitmatter, I'll buy you ten!

If that's everything then, I'll step on it!

- All for Tuccis! - And Tuccis for all!

There, I've finished.

I'll just grab Granddad's photo and we'll be off...

Hey!

Put some music on or I'll drop off.

What were your first impressions?

I was sure we'd win sooner or later.

My daughter's always been unlucky...

- It's Mum! - Didn't we load her on?

That's why it was so quiet!

- Turn back. Do a U-turn. - Quick!

Careful, though!

What will you do with all that money?

Will you give some to charity like Bill Gates?

Like hell we will! We'll keep it all!

I don't know who that guy is, but he's obviously a dumb-ass!

Mum! Shut up and get in the van!

We're here!

Let's go!

Wake up!

Milan...

Darling, we're in Europe now!

Everything was different in Milan.

Buildings, weather, people and cars.

We had landed on another planet... except we were the aliens!

Good morning, may I have your keys?

Don't you dare!

Look over there...

- May I help you? - Good morning.

I'm Danilo Tucci, this is my wife. We're the Tuccis.

- So... we'd like a room. - What a pity!

It's peak season and unfortunately we don't have any suites vacant.

I advise you to book next time.

Or I can recommend a small guesthouse in the suburbs.

Yes, may I help you? Honourable MP!

Of course, this is low season.

And we'll always find a room for you anyway.

See you soon. Goodbye.

Peak season?

I don't know whether you've noticed, but this is a 5-star hotel.

Only five stars? Not even a pass mark.

We've won 100 million.

- Can we tell everyone now? - Of course.

No one who wins 100 million is foolish enough to tell everyone.

We are.

- I can't stand this guy. - Neither can I.

Have you really won?

I was interviewed on Sky, buddy!

Forgive me, I wasn't informed of this happy event...

#getbetterinformed. Which is the coolest room you have?

We have the imperial suite, the one Miley Cyrus often stays in.

Miley Cyrus, the singer.

- How much is it? - 18,000 Euros.

- We don't want to buy it. - Per night.

18,000 Euros per night.

I'll go and get the other plants or they'll feel lonely...

- Boy, take Mr and Mrs... - Tucci!

Mr and Mrs Tucci up to the imperial suite.

- All for Tuccis. - And Tuccis for all!

This way?

Who are these people?

The bumpkins who won 100 million Euros.

The ones from Torresecca, near Zagarolo.

Not bad! Have you seen this?

It really is...

Look.

Who's this?

Welcome, I'm Gustavo, the suite's chief executive.

I am here to satisfy your every order and wish...

- The butler? - You could say so.

How exciting, I've never had any servants before.

So, Gustavo, could you kindly bring me some tea to the "salòn" please?

- Right away, ma'am. - No, wait... I'll have orange juice.

- Of course, ma'am. - No, wait.

- A banana milkshake. - As you wish, ma'am.

- No, wait... - You're a pain in the ass, darling!

My sentiments exactly, sir.

I'm sorry, but I've never given anyone orders before.

I like this idea of giving orders, I'm good at it!

Mum, #preparefortheworst, there's no Badedas in the bathroom.

Miss, you can use our exclusive bath products if you wish...

I've got a problem, my shit-hole's in the dark.

There's no window, and no toilet even.

Ma'am, that would be the Turkish bath.

Yes, the Turkish bath! Where you crouch down to shit!

Forgive her, she's of peasant stock.

- But a window would be useful... - I'll see to it.

One last thing, about breakfast. Are you vegans?

No, we're from Torresecca, do you know it?

I'll see to it. Excuse me.

Talking about food, where's the kitchen?

- There's no kitchen. - What?

480 square metres, with more rooms than people,

and no kitchenette? Where will we fry?

Where will we fry?

You only have to make a call, dial 0 and order.

Hear that, Loredana? We just order.

- Call... - Wait.

- Yes? - Hello?

This is Danilo Tucci, I'm calling from the "sit of Miles Cyrs"... the singer.

Yes, sir. How can I help you?

- We need a kitchen. - A kitchen?

Complete with everything. Fridge, dishwasher, cupboards...

And washing up liquid

with vinegar or it won't cut through the grease.

Quiet!

But we want it fitted for 7:00, 7:15 at the latest...

or we won't have enough time to cook, you know.

Of course.

- Hi. - Hi.

Forgive me, but what fruit is that? I've never seen one before.

It's a papacorn. Half papaya, half acorn.

- Oh... - It's a graft I did.

- May I? - Yes.

- Does it taste of papaya or acorn? - Acorn, unfortunately.

Humans hate them, but pigs are crazy about papacorns.

- After you. - Thanks.

- Which floor? - Top floor.

It's rare to find a man who loves plants so much.

It's not so easy with women either.

I dated a vegetarian who ate plants,

a girl who was allergic to them, and a junkie who smoked them!

- I'm Valentina, by the way. - I'm Marcello.

- Sorry, I didn't introduce myself. - That's okay.

Yeah...

I'll see you then. It was nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you. Bye.

Say goodbye, or I'll leave you three days without water, or set fire to you.

Supplì! Supplì!

- All for Tuccis! - Tucci's for all!

- Do you always eat this stuff? - You haven't seen anything yet.

It's three months to Christmas. Can you imagine?

Our first Christmas as rich folks.

Darling, it's always Christmas for the rich.

What a profound thought, my love.

- Are you happy? - You betcha!

- Though I'll have to get used to it. - To wealth?

- No, to happiness. - Darling! Give me a kiss.

Good night.

Mum, Dad... can I sleep in here with you?

Of course.

My room's too big, I suffer from agoraphobia.

- Is it catching? - No, Dad, don't worry.

Come on, get in the middle.

- Can I sleep in here? - What's going on?

You get in too...

Good night! Right...

Hey!

It's only me! Can I sleep here too? My room's 20 minutes away.

I'm not having the old woman here too!

Admit it, you want an orgy, I'll go and sleep next door.

- Good night. - Good night.

- My lovelies. - Turn the light off, Grandma.

See you tomorrow then?

Valentina!

Marcello! Hi! What are you doing here?

- I brought you these. - Oh... chrysanthemums?

Yes, chrysanthemums.

But chrysanthemums only have a bad reputation in Italy.

They're a symbol of festivities and happiness in Japan.

I didn't know that. In that case... Arigatò.

- Thanks. - Talking about "rigatoni"...

Do you fancy grabbing a bite to eat together?

Yes, I'd love to.

Perhaps you know a place near here...

To tell the truth, I'd go somewhere else.

Because this area is crawling with stuck up people.

And if there's one thing I can't stand, that's rich people.

- Rich people. - Yes, I can't stand them.

I'm sorry, have I put my foot in it?

- Are you rich? - Me? Of course not!

I've never owned a cent. Broke for seven generations!

Thank goodness. Joking apart...

I could never date a guy with money. Ever.

- Good. - Those typical coarse bumpkins.

- Bumpkins. - Who strike it rich.

- The kind who buy a big car. - A white one.

- And double park. - A Hummer.

- I can't stand them. - Neither can I.

There we go! The car bumpkins prefer...

the typical car double parked... door open, and they drive it away.

Where are you going? Stop thief!

- Thief? Rich man, you mean. - Rich, thief, it's the same.

It's synonymous.

I'll read about you in the newspaper!

Calm down, Marcello.

I'm sorry, it's just that when I see this social inequality...

the blood rushes to my head!

It was brand new... the rogue.

Come on, let's get something to eat, it'll calm you down.

- I'm famished. - I'm not...

I've suddenly lost my appetite...

Fuck him! Coming!

How come you moved to Milan from... what was it called?

Torresecca.

Along Via Prenestina...

because we wo...

We wondered... if Milan was a nice city to live in.

The only problem is, the people of Milan are all great...

- I'm from Milan. - Workers... they work too hard here.

They really do... And they're cocky too.

Because they work and they brag about it too.

It's not nice when there's someone out of work nearby.

The Romans work too, but in silence, so no one knows.

It's not something to brag about.

I noticed you used the plural before...

You said, "We saw, we did". Who's we? You and your wife?

No, I'm not married.

I'm living with my sister's family at the moment.

Is that so? You work for a florist, right?

- No, why? - What were you doing in the hotel?

What was I doing in the hotel? That work thingy.

- An interview. - An interview with plants?

Why did you take the plants?

You take plants to interviews, they impress.

- And it sometimes works. - And did it work?

No, not at all.

The manager was angry.

He said; "It's no use insisting, we're not hiring people anyway."

Not hiring people? That's not true!

I know for sure they are looking for staff.

- They are? - Yes, absolutely.

I tell you what. Let me talk to them. Okay?

Any job will do in your situation, right?

No, not any job.

I'm an agriculturalist, remember.

Okay, Africa, do you speak any Italian?

- I am Italian. - Yeah, okay...

Here. If you don't get the grease off the pans, you're going home.

If the glasses don't shine, you're going home.

- If you scratch a frying pan... - I'm going home?

No, you pay first, then go back to your home in Africa. Okay?

I'm not from Africa! I'm Italian, from Torresecca.

Between Rome and Frosinone. Along the Prenestina.

Anything south of Pavia is Africa to me.

The desert, the Sahara... Remember that, behave yourself.

Africa, you haven't washed a dish in your whole life, have you?

Not one.

Like they say in Egypt: learn, don't quit, or you're in the shit!

- Is that what they say in Egypt? - Yes.

- Darling, know what day it is today? - Wednesday.

- Yes, but what day is it? - Huh?

I told you the mozzarella maker would forget...

- Can't you give me a clue? - All right.

Come on! What happened 26 years ago?

I can't even remember what I had to eat yesterday.

Darling, we got married! It's our wedding anniversary!

Darling, could I ever forget the happiest day of my life?

The truth is I've asked a friend of mine to wish you all the best.

Oh God, Al Bano?

I'm going to faint! I feel like crying!

Thank you!

It's your innocent gaze among the people, happiness

It's sticking close like children, happiness

I know this!

Happiness!

Happiness. It's a feather pillow, the river flowing by

The rain behind the curtains, happiness

Turning the lights down and making up, happiness

Happiness!

You feel a ray of warm sunshine in the air already

Like a smile that reminds you of happiness

Sorry, it's the heat!

Obstacle.

- Obstacle. - Tamara, have some caviar.

It tastes like rotten fish, but it's okay on bread.

Turn right.

Wall.

- What's he doing? - Boh.

I want 200 g of the blue ones, 200 g of these red ones

and a kilo and a half of the emerald green.

- That will be 382. - Here's 400. Keep the change.

You don't tip at a supermarket, miss.

Well they should!

Dickhead!

Sorry, you can't park here, it's a pedestrian area.

I'll only be a minute, time for a cappuccino and muffin.

I'll have it towed away!

Please yourself. I've got ten of them. I'll buy more when I run out.

Grandma, let's take a selfie. Duck face!

We always used to say "like a hen's asshole".

Kevi, come over here!

Come and have a swim.

I've only just had breakfast, I'll have to wait three hours.

Who cares!

Danilo, you tell him!

Have a swim, we're on holiday.

This kid worries me.

Our only income over the last two months has been Granddad's pension.

320 Euros times two.

A total income of 640 Euros.

But we've spent 19,789,432 Euros!

According to my sums, we're spending about 300,000 Euros per day.

So we won't have anything left in a year's time.

I did warn you you were overdoing it!

We were? We've all pretended not to notice so far,

but you didn't have those protuberances before!

My twins... Well, you know...

I went to get my legs waxed and there was an offer on boob jobs!

What's wrong with that?

And what about him, he bought a cartload of Ferraris?

Can't I have a hobby now? What about her then?

#keepyourhairon!

False nails are nothing compared to Al Bano.

- What about Al Bano? - It's nothing...

Mum kept him. He's in the guest room for when she wants him to sing.

He cheers me up, especially in the morning.

- He does Renato Zero songs too. - Al Bano does?

Where's Marcello? Isn't it his birthday today?

Step it up, we're running out of dishes. Get a move on!

- Faruq, can you cover for 5 minutes? - Going for a quickie?

I wish!

Here I am.

- Here he is! - Happy birthday!

Thanks. Have I missed anything?

Kevi was just telling us off, he says we're spending too much.

We have to cut our expenses.

For example, this hotel costs us about 540,000 Euros per month.

But that includes breakfast and fresh water on our bedside table.

- I advise you to buy a house. - You're right, Kevi, good boy.

- We'll buy a "loff". - A loft!

One of those modern homes.

Do you mind if I stay in the hotel?

Good, that'll be one less! But move into a single room.

- Breakfast included. - Okay.

- Ready to order? - Have you got any tripe?

- No, we don't. - Some fucking restaurant this is!

For starters we'll have...

- Forgive me, but... - No.

- But you're identical... - To nobody.

They broke the mould, believe me. Can we order?

- Of course... - They get too friendly...

We'll have a...

- Oh God! - What's up?

- What have you done? - Oh God...

I've done... I've done my back in.

I'll go and put some ointment on it, some Tiger Balm...

a support corset...

You order for me, don't worry, I'll be right back.

Have you seen Marcello by any chance?

- Valentina! - Where did you get to?

I went on holiday for two minutes.

- How are you? - Fine.

- Listen, about tonight... - Yes...

Would you like to come to my place after work?

- We'll celebrate your birthday. - Of course I'd like to.

We'll take a piece of the cake they baked for a birthday party

and take it home with us.

Okay. Is it someone else's birthday?

Look at this!

There are six of them and they ordered a cake for 200.

- They'll never finish it. - Don't underestimate them.

- They're bumpkins. I know the type. - Right.

You're still alive then. I was about to call the rescue services.

Open your mouth.

To 344... do you understand numbers? Go on then.

Have you got something to tell us? Get some work done!

Here I am again.

I massaged it with some oil... it's worn off now.

- What's that? - What?

You're wearing gloves.

I massaged my back with oil, but it makes your hands greasy.

So I wore gloves... but you can take them off, they're removable.

You ordered rigatoni all'amatriciana? A light dinner. A vegan dish.

Look, it's him.

Yes, it looks like him... but it's not him.

- What do you mean? - Let me check.

It is him.

Sorry, I've had a relapse.

Cheers.

Yes, it's Africa.

It's not him. It's another guy.

They look nothing like each other. Get lost!

- Hey! - Oh God, you made me jump!

Forgive me. I've finished, how about you?

I've still a lot to do,

but don't worry, I'll have it sorted in a couple of minutes.

Listen, I'd like to give you my present at my place tonight.

Can't you give us a moment's privacy?

Shouldn't you be sautéing the greens? Go on!

Sorry, he's gone to sauté.

- Have you bought me a present? - Not exactly...

Let's say it's something I carry around on me.

It's that gift... of nature...

But if you don't like it, or it's too soon...

No, it's not too soon! It's never too soon.

It's late, in fact. It's late, we have to dash!

Mr Tucci, I'll show you the cake, see if you like it.

See if you like the cake.

Africa? Hey, Africa! Are you going to get a move on?

- Yes, but the frying pan is dirty. - Are you screwing the frying pan?

Put that frying pan down, okay?

- What are you doing here? - I'll explain later.

Help me move it. How many times do I have to tell you? Hurry up.

- Do you like it? - It's a little plain, but it'll do.

- How many candles do you need? - 4-9. Forty-nine.

- 8. Forty-eight! - How do you know?

How do you know? It's my brother-in-law's cake.

Well, you know... it's my birthday too today...

It's your birthday too? Happy birthday then!

I'm so excited! Don't get too chatty with guests.

- 49? - Forty-nine.

- What are you up to? - I'm washing dishes.

- Huh? - Washing dishes, is it a crime?

No, but there's something puzzling me.

You never did a day's work when we were poor, and you are now?

Tell me the truth, what are you doing here? What's up?

It's just that...

I've fallen in love with this girl...

- and rich people piss her off... - All I caught was "piss off".

I've fallen in love with a girl who works here,

- but rich people piss her off. - That's more like it.

- But you have to help me. - All right.

But swear you'll not come back and sleep on our sofa bed ever again.

- Okay. - Not even for holidays, weekends or festivities.

I said okay.

And when you settle down once and for all,

take that ball-buster of your mother to live with you.

Watch what you say. Mum has to stay with you.

We've been stuck with Tutankhamun for 25 long years.

Precisely, so long she's put down roots at your place.

Mum's like an old azalea, if we replant her she'll shrivel up.

Azalea? More like a weeping willow. Oh, sorry.

- I've brought the candles. - Do you know what?

This nice washer-up is actually...

- I'll accept! - He accepts.

- To light the candles. - Here.

- I don't understand. - I mistook him for someone else.

He mistook me.

- Is there a dessert buffet? - The cake's not enough?

- Here we are. - May I?

Come in.

Don't mind the mess.

- You should see our place. - Where do you live?

We're in temporary lodgings for now, but it's respectable.

- Tell me something... - What?

Why do you hate rich people so much?

Because I know them.

I see how they behave in the hotel... I can't stand them.

- I was rich when I was a kid. - Really?

Then one day Dad lost it all, and we had to learn to get by.

But he doesn't need any money where he is now.

I'm sorry, I had no idea.

My condolences. Did he suffer a great deal?

He's not dead, he's in jail.

Thank goodness, I got the wrong idea.

Good... I'm happy to hear it. Some good news at last.

I mean, it is for him.

Better in jail than in the cemetery, though in jail you can die inside.

And you can buy a funeral lamp at the cemetery... I'm flustered.

Listen...

- That present you mentioned... - Yes...

- Can I unwrap it? - What are you waiting for?

- Where's the bow? - The bow...

- Look for it. - I'll find it.

A few weeks later we moved into a penthouse

in the new district of Milan.

- Do you like it? - #lookslikestartrek!

We have a kitchen with an extra-large deep fryer.

90,000 Euros.

A photo booth so you can take all the selfies you want. Go wild!

Original fountain from Piazza Trilussa with benches,

sports bar and newsagent.

Then we have our own ATM with unlimited withdrawals.

Come over here.

For Grandma, private TV corner with armchair and accessories.

- What accessories? - Popcorn, ice-cream...

and the latest in defibrillators!

- If you croak, we'll bring you back. - Fuck you!

Come on, sit down.

And for the little one, an amazing thing we've never owned before: a bookcase.

I didn't know they sold them empty, I had to buy the books separately.

- Which books, Dad? - I bought a dozen kilos,

and added a collection of leather-bound "AutoTrader" magazines.

- Very useful. - Thank you.

And for Mum, surprise! Turn round, look who's here!

- Nice to see you again, Mrs Tucci. - Gustavo!

I got him to resign, from now on he'll work for us.

Darling, what a wonderful present!

- How are you, sweetie? - Fine, thanks.

Is he turned on? Is he on duty?

- Of course. - Yes, ma'am, 24/7.

- What? - Day and night.

Let's take a vintage selfie all together.

I have to run. My daughter's locked herself out.

- Can you take this to room 136? - Leave it to me.

- Thanks. - See you later.

- Who's that? - Room service. Your breakfast, sir.

I'll be right there.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

We have fried eggs, toast and orange juice.

Leave it there.

I just need a signature, then I'll get out of your way.

A signature? Do I have to?

Yes, for the accounts.

The accounts are important.

Damn it.

I won't be a sec.

The accounts are important, unfortunately.

- Right here. - What name shall I put?

- Your name. - I have a lot of names.

Antonio...

Liguori.

There, thank you.

You may go, thank you.

Excuse me, but...

Marcello?

- Are they clean? - What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I slept here.

Because I was tired last night,

I thought, "I'm so tired, I'll get some sleep now",

so why not in a suite?" So I stole the key and came in here.

Are you crazy? If the guest had come back?

The guest couldn't come back, how could he if the guest...

- He couldn't have. - What if he comes back now?

I told you, he can't...

- Oh God, here he is! - Who?

Over there, hurry!

It can't be the guest.

- He's here. - What's he doing?

He's looking around... I think he's forgotten something.

Let me see.

It's that son of a...

- What a pest! - What?

- Did you leave my breakfast? - Yes.

Good girl.

Not the iPad, it's practically new.

- It's his... - I wonder whose it was before.

I can't bear to watch... You look...

- What's he doing? - Rummaging in his wallet.

- His wallet! - He's forgotten his cash.

Cash!

Is he leaving the credit cards?

- No, he's taking them all. - Of course.

- No surprise... Six of them. - What do you care?

I don't care, they're not mine.

Okay, he's leaving. And in a hurry too.

No kidding, there's nothing left to take.

Jeez! Thank goodness it went okay.

Yes, couldn't have gone any better.

Someone's going to get hurt here.

I've been thinking... there's something we've not had since we became rich.

- What? I'll go out and buy it. - You can't.

Friends, we don't have any friends, think about it.

We're always with the family.

- Our old friends would be envious. - That's true.

We should hang out with people of our own social level.

Sooner or later we'll meet all our neighbours.

We'll introduce ourselves and start to band together.

These organic vegetables were daylight robbery.

Four courgettes, two radishes and a watermelon, 50 Euros.

- Did we get ripped off? - No.

They're expensive products, but those who can afford them

only eat natural local products, grown without pesticides.

- They're a bit more expensive. - If you say so...

- After you, ma'am. - Thank you.

- Do you live here too? - Yes. Hello, I'm Luigi.

- Hello. - And my wife Marisa.

- Hello. - Nice to meet you.

Loredana Tucci, née Bertocchi.

We moved in a few weeks ago. We're in the penthouse.

Yes. We've heard about you.

My husband's new exhibition opens on Saturday afternoon,

we can leave your names at the door.

Thank you. We'd love to come.

You can leave tickets at the door instead if you want.

Two of us, me and my husband Danilo Tucci.

- Okay. See you there then. - See you there.

Come on, we'll be late for the club. Please excuse us.

- Goodbye and thanks. - Goodbye.

They live here yet they can't afford a car?

Who? Luigi Schleider? He's one of the richest men in Italy,

his art is shown worldwide. But it's not about the money.

I see, he's tight-fisted.

No, they're environmentalists, and they don't like to show off.

Rich people today are very different from how you imagine them.

You gotta school me on how it's done then.

Today's rich fight old age

with work-outs, diet and hydrocolon therapy.

- What's that? - Colon cleansing.

- They stick a tube up your arse... - We're cooking here!

I'm sorry.

The rich are well-informed, educated, they read a lot, speak 4 languages

and never live with their kids,

who attend boarding schools abroad since primary school.

- They dump them straight away? - More or less.

Danilo, don't interrupt! I can't hear a word he says.

The rich adore art and art collecting.

They're either Buddhists or NewAge.

Today's rich are no longer right-wing, they're all left-wing.

And, most of all, they never fry food.

- They don't fry food? - Never, the rich never fry food.

But don't worry, you'll be fine.

When you get to the exhibition, don't be surprised by the venue,

rich people like to organise events in derelict, inhospitable places,

like abandoned factories that need renovating,

because they think it's very hip.

- We need an anti-tetanus jab. - Don't talk nonsense, and smile.

Gustavo said this place was "hip".

- Good evening. - Looks like shit to me.

Loredana Tucci and Danilo Tucci, my husband.

- Welcome. - Thank you.

Was Schleider a car wrecker before he became a painter?

You don't get it. This represents an opening towards...

But it's no use explaining art to you.

Do you call this art? Mind those rocks.

When the rich take part in a conversation

they like to surprise people with brilliant and witty lines.

Last month in Dubai,

the Emir wanted to give me a falcon to take hunting.

I was terrified!

Talking about birds, do you know the one about the parrot with the sweaty balls?

It's funny...

The rich approach the buffet with poise.

They eat with moderation,

they don't comment on the food, they try new flavours.

Excuse me, what are these cups?

- Finger "fud" sir. - Finger "fud"... never tried it.

Ajoy...

Can I get a bigger spoon?

- What are you doing? - These won't fill me up.

Make them do!

Interesting flavour. Really delicate... what is it?

Couscous with red ants from Madagascar.

Eat it up. It's protein.

Fuckin' hell!

Two and a half million Euros

a Russian billionaire offered me for this piece.

Naturally I declined, and I donated it to MoMa.

But come with me, let's continue the tour.

Look, it's the visitors' page.

Your friend has already signed it. Have you got a pen?

Wait, I've got an eye pencil.

- That'll do. - Go on.

Sign it for me too.

Have you gone mad? What have you done?

What's all the fuss? There's still bags of room!

See this? I invented this. It's parslil.

- What's that? - Part parsley, part basil.

You can do more than wash dishes then? Wow...

No, I can cook a bit too.

Do you know what my father, who was also a good cook, said?

He said if you want to cook well, you have to think of someone,

- otherwise you're only preparing food. - That's true.

Listen, what are you doing for Christmas?

Nothing much, the usual things... with the family.

It would be nice to spend Christmas all together, wouldn't it?

All together...

- With who? - With your family.

My family? No, why with my family?

- They're simple, humble folk. - What's wrong with that?

- You should spend it with your father. - In jail? Great!

- Your mother? - She died 10 years ago.

- A close relative? - An aunt in Bordighera...

Who wouldn't spend Christmas with an aunt from Bordighera!

She'd be so pleased to see you. I'll give you a lift.

She didn't even recognise me the last time I saw her.

Right...

I've an idea, you and I can spend Christmas alone, dine by candlelight.

Christmas is a time for family!

- My family? - Yes.

- With my relatives? - Yes.

This crap cost me two and a half million Euros.

So what?

The important thing is the Schleiders forgave us.

Did you see them smile when we left?

No wonder they were smiling... these Schleiders.

- Hi! - Good evening, look who's here!

I know, I've been very busy lately.

- I need to ask you a favour. - What do you want?

- Can you act poor for an evening? - What do you mean, poor?

Poor people...

Pretend to be poor, people without...

We were poor once.

- Why such cruelty? - It's for that girl I told you about.

She wants to meet you.

Except she thinks we're poor, so...

Okay, but how poor?

Very poor. The poorer the better.

Merry Christmas, thank you for coming to our humble home.

Yes, sorry we don't have enough chairs, two got broken.

But you can prop them up.

And this is my mother, Grandma Nicoletta.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry it's so cold.

We used to have a gas cylinder, but it ran out two years ago.

And my niece and nephew, Tamara and Kevi.

- Kevin? - Without the N, to economize.

Sorry I'm barefoot, I've worn out my last pair of shoes.

I tried rummaging in the dumpster but didn't find anything this time.

Poor thing!

- Aren't they overdoing it? - Quiet, it's going well.

Are you happy, Kevi? Santa Claus is coming tonight.

I hope he brings me the head lice shampoo I asked for.

Don't overdo it...

- Shall we eat then? - Have a seat.

Let's sit down.

There we are.

We'll ration it, then it'll last until Easter.

It gets stale, but it's excellent if you dunk it in milk.

A drop of mulled wine to wet your lips?

No, thanks, I'm full.

Okay, shall we open our presents?

The family has bought you a present.

- Just a little thing, nothing special. - Thank you.

You shouldn't have. I'll open it.

Why didn't you tell me you'd got her a present?

I wonder what kind of present it is!

- Tuna fish! - No!

Mackerel fillets, but they're much tastier.

Save them for hard times. They taste good with a couple of tomatoes.

- Thank you. - We like useful gifts.

We've got our present, it's late. Darling, let's go now.

- Yes, let's go. - Where are you going?

The Pope's mass is on TV soon, let's thank the Lord for what he gave us.

Not much, but we'll make do.

These are the highlights of the year that is drawing to an end.

2016 will be remembered for the "Floating Piers",

a bridge created by Christo, the Bulgarian artist, for Lake Iseo.

But it will also be remembered for the 100 million Euros

won by the Tucci family from Torresecca, near Rome.

- Ingredients... - Is that you?

- Oh, no! - Who?

The people who won 100 million.

- No. - What do you mean?

- They're lookalikes. - They have the same name as you.

Yes, what a coincidence...

- It's unbelievable. - I don't believe it, in fact.

- So you're rich. - Rich...

Wealthy. We've spent a lot of it, haven't we, Kevi?

- Do you think I'm stupid? - No.

- You've fed me a load of crap. - A load of... come on...

I might have said...

I said... I didn't know how to tell you.

You've always said you hated rich people.

I hate liars too. Merry Christmas, everyone.

- Merry Christmas. - Wait, darling!

Wait! This fucking mackerel!

You overdid it with the dumpster, the head lice, dentures...

It's not what you think, wait!

Valentina, no! Don't go! Valentina, wait!

Do you want me to throw my credit card away? Okay, I will!

Where did it go?

Damn it.

Danilo, I've been thinking...

Let's organise a New Year's party at our place.

Screw that! Let's go Latin-American dancing.

I've seen there's a club... Cangaçeiro Disco Bar.

Jeez! You just don't get it, do you?

I want to be part of high society. Hang out with those higher up.

- You? - Yeah.

Are you sure if we throw a party they'll come?

Sorry for interrupting, but there's one way to ensure people "higher up"

come to an event. The trick is to make them pay for it.

- Make them pay? - Yes, for a charity evening.

At least 1,000 Euros per head. And they'll be happy, because...

rich people like to feel they're doing something good.

You see, Gustavo was right, they all came.

- All who? I don't know anyone. - You don't have to.

A party is chic when you don't know anyone.

- This is really chic then. - The Schleiders, I'll go and say hello.

That's right, go and see the Schleiders.

- Goodness! - Congratulations...

- It's a wonderful party. - Do you think so?

- I'm falling asleep. - Me too, to be honest.

But hypocrisy is trendy. May I?

- Lallo de Bernardi. - Nice to meet you, I'm Danilo Tucci.

What's your line of work?

Oh... I live off unearned income.

- An inheritance. - No, just fucking lucky. And you?

- Let's say... I'm in sports. - Which sport?

Formula One, mostly. Sponsors, image management...

- Events. - Really? You'll know everyone then.

Well... Fernando, Kimi, Sebastian...

- I manage their image. - Oh God, I could faint!

Can I come and watch the Grand Prix from the box next year?

Of course, you'll be my guest. You'll feel the thrill of the pit wall.

- That's very kind of you. - I'll leave you my number.

- Thank you, you're very kind. - Don't mention it.

Dad... I need 30,000 Euros.

- You're not buying another bookcase? - No, I've seen a Rolex I like.

- A Rolex? You? - Everyone at school has one.

- They're always teasing me. - Good boy. Here.

Go drain the ATM.

Valentina.

Hi.

- What do you want? - Listen...

I'm sorry, I messed up.

I should have told you the truth, but...

I didn't know how to go about it, and...

Will you forgive me?

Come on, Valentina! Despite being loaded with money...

he washed dishes out of love for you.

Come on!

Listen, I... I brought this to celebrate.

It's good, it's not champagne. It's prosecco, with no bubbles.

It costs 3.50 Euros. I got it from the generic supermarket.

It doesn't even foam up.

Listen, I've never been rich.

I don't know how to manage money, I don't give a damn about it.

All I care about is you.

All right then.

But you can drink the cheap prosecco.

Hooray!

Listen, I've made up my mind. I'll give it all up.

- I'll carry on working as a washer-up. - You don't have to.

- What do you mean? - I hate rich people, not money.

Money isn't everything, but it's better if you have it, right?

Music!

I can help you purchase a Pistoletto mirror.

- Can you spend 300-400,000 Euros? - 500,000 even.

Let's spare no expense!

Listen, is it a bathroom mirror or a full-length wardrobe one?

What... what's that smell?

Fried food?

No! Impossible, we don't fry food.

It's coming from over there.

Enjoy! Enjoy! Help yourselves.

What are those?

I know what they are.

- Have one... what's wrong? - What are you doing?

- Handing out supplìs, why? - You're ruining my party!

- It's already been ruined. - Please put those down.

The building super told me they fried food.

- Yes, but I didn't believe it. - What about it?

We fry food, so what? Is it a crime?

- No, what about it? - Darling, fried food...

- It's not something you... - You've changed.

We're not like these people. What do you do with all your money?

Give it away to charity then you'll feel better!

Buy blank paintings and eat ants as finger food.

What kind of fucking people are you? Let's go.

- Come on! - Where to? We live here.

Let's go and see some fireworks. You do have fireworks in Milan?

- Let's go. - Let go of me!

I'm staying here, this is my party and these are my friends. Danilo...

Let's admit it. You can say what you want, get on your high horse, but...

These are people who have made it. What about you?

- What have you ever done? - Besides plait mozzarella.

It's thanks to me you're rich, because they were my numbers.

If you split up, you won't get a cent.

Mum, I want to argue without an echo. I'm self-sufficient.

Danilo, the truth is you've remained the man you always were.

A poor wretch.

All right.

Happy New Year.

Forgive us.

Very very sorry, everybody.

I apologise, Mr Carrisi, my husband doesn't know how to behave at times.

- Loredana? - Yes. - Fuck off!

Seven, six, five, four,

three, two, one...

Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year. - Good morning, sir. Happy New Year.

- Where's my wife? - Sleeping, the party ended at dawn.

- My mother-in-law? - In Vienna for the New Year Concert.

- What a load of fun! My daughter? - Snowboarding in Gstaad.

Gstaad... Is my son here?

He's gone out to buy a Rolex, I think.

Is everything okay? Can I do anything for you?

Keep me company.

- Know what my wife said last night? - Yes, I heard her.

She said you are useless, she called you a failure...

- An asshole. - No, she didn't say asshole.

- But she thought it, we all do. - That's right.

The truth is, she's right. I'm not rich.

I'm just a poor wretch with money.

If you don't mind me saying...

this sudden wealth, this undeserved income,

has only made you focus on your needs.

Isn't that true? So...

Don't follow your needs, follow your dreams.

Something you've wanted to do since you were a child,

and now you're rich you can prove how much you're worth to your wife.

I do have a dream.

- Formula One. - Perfect.

- And I have someone who can help me. - You see?

Mr Tucci? Hello.

This way, the director's expecting you.

Mr Tucci's here, sir.

- Welcome. How's it going? - Fine, thanks.

Excuse us.

My dream is to sit in the box with headphones on.

A new racing team with a box near the Ferrari box.

I've thought up a name too. Speedy Tucci. That's me!

Nice, but we'll decide on a name later.

We have to work out how much we can invest.

With the engineering, mechanics, drivers and logistics,

you'll need at least 80-100 million to create a new racing team.

That will clear me out. I've got about 80 million, but...

Naturally, but what am I here for?

- My job is to introduce you to sponsors. - Right.

And when sponsors hear the word...

"Formula One", they get excited and reach for their wallets.

- Right! - For example, you invest 5...

And they turn that investment into 10.

- Invest 80 and it becomes...? - It becomes?

160.

It's a deal. Now what?

We go to the bank and sign a transaction in offshore...

A transaction in an offshore account. Tomorrow I'll organise a meeting here

with all the sponsors who are interested, US cigarette brands,

soft drinks, fast food chains.

- Do you have any ethical qualms? - Me? No.

Perfect.

There she goes... hey! Mum!

- Who's that? - It's me.

- What do you want? - I'm going out.

- Where are you going? - To have tea with Mrs Schleider.

I don't like that woman. She's too Milanese.

- For God's sake! - Go ahead, but I don't like her.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

I had a meeting with the sponsors. There were trophies and photos here...

- There was even a hot chick. - Here?

Forgive me, but who are you?

- Me? - Yes.

- An asshole. - I thought as much.

The funniest bit was when Mrs Tucci argued with her husband.

I was hoping she'd throw the supplìs at him!

And she was trying to give herself airs!

She can try as hard as she wants, but she'll always be a bumpkin.

But there's never been a dull moment since that hillbilly arrived.

Hi, Loredana.

Hi.

- I wanted to say something. - Me too.

No, let me speak first.

I wanted to apologise for the other night, you didn't deserve it.

You've always been the breadwinner of the family.

I was a bitch. Danilo...

- I love you. - How much?

- Tons! - Would you love me anyway...

- Even if I was poor? - My darling.

I loved you when we were penniless, so imagine now that we are rich.

What was it you wanted to say?

It's nothing, just that...

- I didn't catch that. - We're broke, we're ruined.

Oh God! What happened?

A wrong investment, we're back to where we started.

Even worse, because we've run up some debts.

But if we sell the house and cars, we'll almost be back...

to scratch.

But what do I care? You love me.

And that's what matters in a great love affair.

I love you? No!

I'll kill you!

- You're a dickhead! - You'll hurt me. You're hurting me!

Dad's got something to tell you.

- I'll leave you on your own then. - No, this concerns you too.

Well...

You know you're in my heart, I have always loved you...

Cut it short or we'll be here all day.

Yes, we've lost everything. We're broke.

- You've lost all the money. - I've lost everything.

- We're destitute. - Do you really mean that?

Yes, unfortunately.

- Fuck you! - No, no, no...

- Mum! - Calm down.

- I'll kill you! - Calm down!

- Gustavo, grab the old woman! - I'll kill you!

- Calm down, calm down! - Come on...

Let's calm down now. We'll manage somehow.

We always have.

Let's say we've been for a nice ride on the merry-go-round,

but we have to get off now and go home.

Don't talk crap! You know you married an idiot!

You're the idiot!

- Block Grandma. - All right, I admit it.

But I love this idiot.

After Dad was swindled, we couldn't afford to stay in Milan.

Mum and Dad didn't seem too desperate, they'd made it up.

But my sister and my Grandmother weren't happy at all.

Let me withdraw some money! I want to withdraw some!

Calm down, Mum. We've gone over our limit, you can't.

- I don't want to die poor! - It can't be helped.

Don't cry, darling! The supermarket will take you back.

That's why I'm crying! I don't want to work there!

Let's take a last... come on, let's take a selfie.

Ma'am, I've made you some sandwiches for the journey.

Thank you, Gustavo.

- Goodbye. - Bye, Gustavo.

- Take care, champ! - Bye, Gustavo.

Careful!

- Look after yourself. - I'd like to say something if I may.

You've made me feel at home. I'll miss you, but don't forget...

- Stay the way you are, genuine. - We'll try.

Take care.

I'm sorry, Kevi. I wanted you to have a different life to mine.

Don't worry, Dad.

One day we'll go to the records office

and see if they'll add an N to your name.

No, it's more original without.

That's true.

Uncle Marcello was the happiest, he decided not to come with us.

Taste how good this is!

He stayed in Milan with Valentina.

They attempt to make ends meet on 1, 600 Euros a month.

Supplì! Supplì! Supplì!

- All for Tuccis... - And Tuccis for all!

In short, we'd had a taste of Mayfair,

and now we were back in the Old Kent Rd... or almost.

Things didn't actually happen the way you saw them.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

To do what I wanted to do, I had to ask for help.

I needed a trusted friend.

Yes, we put together that trick for my dad.

That's what I needed the Rolex money for.

I led him to believe he had been swindled.

And I did it because all that money had changed my family.

Apart from the fact that he'd have lost it anyway.

If a child was able to swindle him, then anyone could have.

So I'm in charge of the 80 million now.

Again this month, the prize for the best worker goes to...

Danilo Tucci!

My parents are back doing what they've always done.

- Thanks, Panzarello. - You deserve it.

But with a few improvements that only cost me a few extra Euros.

Thank you.

I thought about Mum and the others, of course.

Mum, look who's here!

Oh God, Gustavo!

Sweetie! What are you doing here?

I couldn't keep away from you. Can I work here? For free.

But of course, my sweetie!

Mum! Paris Hilton wrote to me on Facebook.

She noticed I'd tagged her and wants to invite me to New York.

- #lfeellcoulddie! - Life's great satisfactions.

But my real masterpiece was my present for Grandma.

Mrs Nicoletta, in this scene you'll find out if I killed him or not.

I know this screenplay by heart.

Gabry!

Concentrate or you'll miss the ending.

There.

I didn't have to help my uncle out.

He'd already worked out his priorities.

The only thing you can't buy.

In these days of love and fun, I'll toast even if the money has gone.

And I want to tell everyone we don't give a damn about money.

Because the poor work like mules,

but they stick it up the rich man's ass!

Long live the newlyweds!

Dad was right after all, we weren't cut out to be rich.

We were just poor wretches with money.

You can already feel in the air

Our love song playing

Like a thought that reminds you

Of happiness

You feel a ray of warm sunshine

In the air already

Like a smile that reminds you Of happiness

Happiness

It's a surprise evening, The moon lit up, the radio playing

A greetings card covered in hearts Happiness

It's an unexpected phone call Happiness

Happiness

Happiness

It's a beach at night, the roaring waves Happiness

It's a hand on the heart full of love Happiness

It's waiting for dawn to do it again Happiness, happiness

You can already feel in the air

Our love song playing

Like a thought that reminds you

Of happiness

You feel a warm ray of sunshine

In the air already

Like a smile that reminds you Of happiness

You can already feel in the air

Our love song playing

Like a thought that reminds you Of Happiness

You feel a warm ray of sunshine

In the air already

Like a smile that reminds you

Of happiness

Happiness!