Original subtitles

Now, after we are

given the certificate,

who do you think

should speak first?

I think it should

be me and then you.

But, if you want,

it could be you and then me.

Or it could go me, you, me.

What do you think?

How about just you?

Thank you, Ron. Yes.

Tomorrow,

the Parks and Rec Department

is receiving a commendation

at the Indiana Statehouse

for bringing

the Harvest Festival back.

And although it's

purely ceremonial,

it's a huge deal for me

to go to the Statehouse.

I couldn't care less

about the commendation.

But Indianapolis is home to

Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse,

the best damn

steakhouse in the damn state.

I have taken a picture

of every steak

I've ever eaten there.

June 2004.

Porterhouse,

medium rare, Béarnaise sauce.

January 2000.

They call this

one "The Enforcer."

February '96.

The steak, rib eye.

The whiskey, Lagavulin 16.

The lady next to me, a bitch.

Specifically,

my ex-wife, Tammy.

Okay, this is the first

time I ever went there.

Oh, look at me.

I'm just a kid.

She's showing

some elephant...

Ooh, la la. Look who's fancy.

Am I wearing an ascot?

I didn't notice.

Big night at

the Snakehole Lounge!

It's a launch party

for Dennis Feinstein's

new fragrance,

Allergic for Men.

Pawnee's own Dennis Feinstein

is a real up-and-comer

in the world of

micro-brewed perfumes

and body sprays.

His ether-based perfume,

Blackout,

was named one of

Maxim's top hundred ways

to trick someone into sex.

Club opens at 6:00,

event starts at 9:00.

No, no, way too late.

I will be deep

into my bath by then.

Don't let us

picture that. Ben,

you gonna go?

I don't think so.

Probably just

gonna take it easy,

but thank you.

Yeah, they always ask me

to go out with them.

They're just being polite.

I move around a lot,

so the friends I

make in these cities,

they're like

Facebook friends, you know?

"Hey, Doug from

Bloomington is thinking

about buying a shirt."

Come on, Doug, who cares?

Okay, Tom,

I want you to take Ben

and make him go to

that antihistamine party.

It's "Allergic,"

and forget it.

He doesn't know

anybody in town.

Come on, Tom, take him

under your tiny little wing.

He's a fully

grown man, Leslie.

And tonight's just

not about pleasure.

I'm schmoozing

Dennis Feinstein

so I can pitch

him my new cologne,

Tommy Fresh.

Okay, well,

while you're doing that,

I want you to picture

Ben in his motel room,

all by himself

with no friends,

staring at the wall.

Deal.

Tom.

So my band's

working on a new album.

Oh, yeah?

What's it called?

April Ludgate is

the Best Ever, Volume One.

Shut up.

So, what do you

wanna do tonight?

We could watch TV

at Burly's house

or we could watch

TV at your house.

Or, I mean, we could

watch TV at Best Buy.

Why don't we go

to Tom's thing?

That weird cologne party

thing at the Snakehole?

I kind of forgot

that you need money

when you have a girlfriend.

I wanna treat

April like a queen,

and queens deserve

flowers and massages,

chocolate, booze,

diamonds, rubies, emeralds,

them treasure chests

full of scarves,

different kinds of

lubes that warm up

when you rub 'em on stuff.

I'm gonna give her all

that stuff. And more.

That sounds pretty awesome.

Yeah, let's do it.

Okay.

All right. Bye.

Bye.

I don't know.

I guess we're dating.

It's new. Whatever!

I don't like labels.

Go away.

This?

That would be good.

But does it say,

"Hello, general assembly,

"I've come to Indianapolis

to accept your commendation?"

As much as any

one dress could.

Leslie, I think

Chris is cheating on me.

What? That lying bastard!

Wait. How do you know?

I don't have

any actual proof.

Then I'm sure he's

not cheating on you.

And if he is,

he's a monster.

And if he's not,

you guys are

great together.

But if he is,

I will kill him.

Well, we had

a really good conversation

about our

relationship last week,

and he was very reassuring

that we're headed

in a good direction.

Great.

But then he got distant.

And when I asked

to come visit him

in Indianapolis,

he was totally weird.

He was weird.

Look, it sounds like

you're just spiraling.

But what if I'm not?

What if I'm not?

What if he has

a girl up there?

I think he's cheating

on me.

Wow. Okay.

Well, luckily,

I'm heading up there.

I'll invite him out

to dinner and I'll poke

around a little bit.

Okay.

I mean, he's not

gonna be able

to keep anything from me.

In high school,

they used to call

me Angela Lansbury.

But that was

because of my haircut.

Hey, champ.

Hey, champion.

Listen,

you should come out tonight.

Club's gonna be dope.

Plus, I'm pretty sure you

have nothing else going on.

Well, that's not

totally true.

The owner of

the motel I'm staying at

said she was gonna screen

Hope Floats in the lobby.

Asked me if

I wanted to watch.

Yeah. You should

probably get out of that.

I think she's

gonna murder you.

Come on down

to the Snakehole.

I'm not gonna take

no for an answer.

Okay. Yeah, no,

I'll stop by.

Cool.

Thank you.

Hey, you mind if I ask?

What are you

gonna wear tonight?

You know,

I was probably just

gonna stick with this.

Come on, seriously.

What are you gonna wear?

Something totally different.

Probably go home

and grab something.

Cool.

If you would be willing

to just take a brief pit stop,

we could see Indiana's

second-largest rocking chair.

No.

Then maybe we should take

a quick two-hour sojourn

to Dame Gervin's

Misshapen Celebrity Castle.

It's where Madame Tussaud

sends all of its

failed wax figures,

and if you can

figure out who it is,

you get to take it home.

No.

What's wrong with you,

grouchy pants?

I've been fasting all day

to save room for Mulligan's.

Fasting's not

healthy for you, Ron.

Leslie,

you need to understand,

we are heading

for the most

special place on earth.

When I'm done

eating a Mulligan's meal,

for weeks afterwards,

there are flecks of meat

in my mustache,

and I refuse to clean it

because, every now and then,

a piece of meat will

fall into my mouth.

I forgot to tell you,

Chris Traeger

is joining us

for dinner tonight.

Please tell me

he's meeting us

at the restaurant.

No, we are picking him up.

Damn it, woman!

Welcome.

I am so glad you guys called.

This is gonna be great.

Come on in, come on in.

Sure.

Or we could just...

Wow!

Look at your foyer.

It's like a spa in here.

Exactly.

The entranceway to your house

sends a message to the world

about who you are.

And the front door

provides energy

flow and opportunity.

You cannot limit that.

Yeah. Ron doesn't

even have a front door.

He won't even

tell me his address.

Ask him where he lives.

Where do you live?

Why?

So this is some kind

of coat closet or something?

Wow, there's a lot of

men's coats in here.

I like coats.

Could I use your

bathroom really quick?

It's right behind you.

Okay.

Toilet seat's up.

Hey, let me get a beer

and a Pawnee Sunrise.

Do you wanna pay

cash or start a tab?

I... It's okay...

I know Tom.

Tom who?

Tom Hammen...

Hammenstein.

Haverford.

He's, like, my best friend.

Hey, Freddy,

this guy says he knows Tom

and wants a drink for free.

You got money to

pay for those drinks?

Yes. No.

Make room for

the paying customers, huh?

Let's go, Knope!

Just one second.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, I think you

might be right.

I found a woman's

razor in Chris's shower

and a pink swimming cap.

Are you serious?

What the hell?

You know, it could be nothing,

but it feels like something.

I don't...

I'm coming up there.

Wait.

All right, okay.

All right, let's go.

Oh, my God.

They just forgot to

unlock the door, that's all.

Ron, it looks like

they're closed

for some kind of

health code violation.

Ron, stop it! Ron?

They just boarded her up

like she was some

common warehouse.

I should have been here.

What happened to the steaks

that were in there

when they closed?

Do you think they got eaten?

Why don't we go back

to my place and

I'll fire up the grill?

You sure you're not expecting

company or something?

No.

What do you say, Ron?

Go back to my place,

I'll make you some grub?

It'll be just as good

as it would've been here.

Okay.

That man is a legend.

Think about all

the scents he's created.

Attack, Yearning, Thickening,

Itch, Coma, Sideboob.

Dennis Feinstein,

though?

I don't know.

He should probably change

his name to something

a little more exotic

if he wants to make

it big in perfume.

Oh, his real name is

Dante Fiero,

but he changed it

to Dennis Feinstein

'cause that's way

more exotic in Pawnee.

Okay.

So what's your plan?

Wait till he's alone,

then I'll walk

up and spray him

with Tommy Fresh,

and I say, "Uh-oh.

"Looks like you just

inhaled your future."

Yeah.

That might actually work.

Is everything okay?

It kind of sucks

that I'm super broke

and I wanna buy you stuff

and it's embarrassing

that I can't, but...

I'm broke too,

and I don't want anything.

I just wanna

hang out with you.

Plus, I can get free

drinks any time I want.

How?

I'm a girl

in a sleazy club.

Hey.

I hate drinking alone.

Can I get

you a drink?

Sure.

Triple whiskey.

What's your name?

Oprah.

I'm Kevin.

Cool.

I kind of wanna

drink alone.

But...

I said I wanna

drink alone.

Thanks. Bye.

Here. You take

this one.

I will get myself

a martini from that idiot.

So, Chris,

do you have any sisters?

No, I don't, Leslie.

Do you have sisters?

Maybe. So how's your mom?

Is she visiting?

No, she's home

up in Wisconsin.

Is your mom visiting?

Any aunts?

Nope. You have aunts?

Girl cousins?

A youthful grandmother,

perhaps?

Nope.

Did you forget how to

have a conversation?

I am so happy

you guys are here.

I'm gonna go

fire up the grill.

I'm gonna kill him, Ron.

Why?

Chris is cheating on Ann.

There's evidence everywhere.

She's coming up here

so they can have it out.

Ask her to bring

some garlic salt.

I'm worried Chris

doesn't have any.

I got this from a waiter.

I told him I had

a pork deficiency.

Sweet! Pigs in a blanket.

I always wondered why

they call them that.

Look what I got.

Look what I got

from the bathroom.

Mints. Six of 'em.

Nice.

Yeah.

Okay, whoever gets

the most free stuff

by the end of the night wins.

Deal.

Go!

Ron, would you like

some salad?

Since I am not a rabbit,

no, I do not.

Try it. Salad's

good for you.

You got it.

Mmm.

Delicious.

So, Chris, what

do you do up here

in your spare time?

Well, I exercise,

and I exercise my mind.

And I try to keep

up on current events.

Oh, that's what

you call it.

Sorry?

How are things

going with Ann?

You know what's

funny about Ann?

She's my best friend,

and anyone who hurt her

is someone I would murder,

probably.

Oh, is that

what's upsetting you?

This is very

uncomfortable for me.

I don't know what to say.

Watch the master

work it.

I'm the Yoda

of networking.

Well, Yoda wouldn't

actually need networking.

I mean, his powers

were more spiritual.

Shut up, you nerd!

I get it. Okay.

Mr. Feinstein,

Tom Haverford.

I'm the organizer

of this soiree

and I'm also

a huge fan of yours.

I use all your colognes.

Sometimes two at once!

I don't recommend that.

Are you from the FDA?

You know, legally,

if you're from the FDA,

you have to tell me.

I wanted to talk to you

because I actually

created my own scent.

Great. I'd love

to smell it, right?

I know you're

a busy guy.

Yeah, man.

I'm crazy busy.

But all day long,

people are

pitching me colognes.

That guy just pitched me

a cologne called Sluts.

I'm gonna tell

you what I told him.

Not just anybody can do this.

Although it's a great name,

and I'm probably

gonna steal it.

Please, it'll take

two seconds.

If you like it,

maybe we go into

business together,

branch out in other states,

move over to watches

and fancy raincoats,

open up stores in

London and Paris.

I don't know.

I haven't thought it through.

But for now, I want

to present Tommy Fresh.

All right, I get it.

It's a gag scent.

Hilarious!

As in, "It's hilarious

how awesome it is"?

It smells like somebody

spilled Chinese

food in a bird cage.

Horrible!

It's assaultive.

It takes

everything in my power

to not retch right now.

Kid, you need to

find another game.

Leave perfumery

to the real men.

Hey, Ann, if you get this,

I don't know if you

should come up here.

He's not worth it, okay?

Call me,

let me know where you are,

and if you have...

Ron?

What in the

devil's name is this?

Portobello mushrooms.

Where's the steak?

There's no steak.

That's a healthier option.

It's organically grown.

Lord.

Ron, are you okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

Could you get us

a cold compress

or something?

Hey, six beers

for table 12.

Do you work here?

Yeah. My dad owns

this place.

I'm Janet.

Janet Snakehole.

Hey!

This round's on the house!

All right!

How about some tips?

Gum or mint, sir?

Gum.

Then a mint, I guess.

All out, sir.

Don't have those either, sir.

Do you have anything?

Out of everything, sir.

This is so awesome!

We are like Robin Hood.

We steal from the club

and we give to ourselves.

Look, we'll find

a 24-hour diner.

Or we can get one

of those cows that we saw

on the way up here

and we'll bring it back

and we'll make

steaks out of that.

Ann Perkins,

what are you doing here?

Whose pink razor's

in your shower?

Excuse me?

Leslie found a pink razor

and a pink swimming

cap in your shower.

Whose is it?

I guess you're

talking about my razor.

I shave my legs

for swimming, and women's

razors work better.

For whatever reason,

men's razor technology

hasn't figured out how

to properly

contour the shinbone.

And the swimming cap?

Indiana Breast

Cancer Awareness

Triathlon, 2009.

Came in fourth!

Well, I found concealer

in your medicine cabinet.

What's that about?

I'm a human being.

Sometimes I get blemishes.

I'm not perfect.

Oh, God.

I am so sorry, honey.

I'm so embarrassed.

I was scared that you

were cheating on me.

No, I'm not cheating

on you.

But I'm also

not dating you.

We broke up

last week.

We talked at your house.

Do you not remember this?

Of course I remember,

but we didn't break up.

I'm sorry, Ann,

but I'm certain we did.

Okay, you said

that you didn't

wanna leave Pawnee

and that I was

the most amazing woman

you had ever met.

Which you are.

And then I said

that I would move to

Indianapolis if I had to,

and you said you didn't

wanna make me do that,

and then you said that

in a different world...

Oh, my God.

You broke up with me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, so here's

what happened.

Sweet and beautiful Ann

has never been dumped before,

and Chris is such

a positive person,

when he broke up with her,

she just didn't realize it.

It's kind of understandable.

Although it does

kind of make you wonder

how good of a nurse she is.

Oh, my God.

You left, and you said

you were gonna work late,

and I kissed you?

As enjoyable as that was,

I did find it odd.

And then I wanted

you to meet my parents?

I'm sure they're

great people, but strange.

This is humiliating.

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

Hey...

Hey, man.

I got you

another melon-tini.

Thanks.

Listen, that guy is a jerk,

and if you ask me,

he smells like...

Success!

He smells like success.

You know what I smell like?

A teriyaki hairpiece?

I smell like the guy

who's always coming up short.

And you know what?

I'm just sick of it.

Tommy Fresh was my dream.

Now no one's ever

gonna smell it but me.

I can smell

your dreams, Tom.

I can.

And I can smell 'em

from here.

And honestly, they

smell terrible.

But I like Tom.

I've got a jar of olives.

Nice.

A thing of toothpicks

that look like swords.

And a year's

supply of toilet paper.

I got... Boom!

$38 in tips.

$180.

We should give

it back.

We should give it back.

Follow me.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Wow. Thank you.

One time, when I was

in high school,

a guy's mom called me

and broke up with me

for him.

There was another time

where I was on a date

and I tripped and

broke my kneecap.

And then the guy said

he wasn't "feeling it,"

so he left and I

waited for an ambulance.

One time I was dating

this guy for a while,

and then he got

down on one knee

and he begged me to

never call him again.

One guy broke up with me

while we were in

the shower together.

Skywriting isn't

always positive.

Another time, a guy invited

me to a beautiful picnic

with wine and flowers,

and then, when I tried

to sit down, he said,

"Don't eat anything.

Rebecca's coming."

And then he broke up with me.

Who was Rebecca?

Yeah. Exactly.

Thanks for driving me.

Wait. You're

getting your commendation

tomorrow at the Statehouse.

Oh, please.

It's just a goofy ceremony.

I don't even care about it.

Leslie.

Besides, Ron is

staying behind. He'll go.

Is Ron gonna be okay?

I honestly don't know.

This isn't a steak.

Why would you call

it that on your menu?

I don't know what

to tell you, man.

Just give me all the

bacon and eggs you have.

Wait, wait.

I worry what you

just heard was,

"Give me a lot of

bacon and eggs."

What I said was,

"Give me all the

bacon and eggs you have."

Do you understand?

It's called a Tommytini.

It's just vodka and

a bunch of cinnamon.

That sounds gross.

Ben.

Oh, Miller Lite.

How'd you know?

Everybody knows.

That's your drink.

Tommy.

Let's do this.

Mmm.

How's it going?

Hey, look who's socializing!

Yeah, and I'm

having a good time.

Sit with us.

Okay.

Ann's in kind of a crappy mood

because Chris dumped her.

Yeah, like a week

ago, right?

Yeah, but I only knew

about it an hour ago.

So that's why you

tried to kiss him.

We were all seriously

confused about that.

Who's "we"?

What are you...

Oh, God.

Did you keep

the toilet paper?

Yes. I feel bad,

but I need it.

Hey, hey, that's

gotta be Feinstein's car.

Give me...

Give me the Tommy Fresh.

Why?

Give me Tommy Fresh.

He's gonna smell

your dreams now.

Are you okay?

Is it that bad?

Oh, my God,

it's unbelievable.