Original subtitles

Ron? Jack Cooper,

from the Controller's Office.

Got a second?

Sure, what can I do you for?

Frankly, this is a

little awkward.

We've received this letter

from a collection agency

about an outstanding

debt from the Pawnee

Public Library.

It appears you have

an overdue book.

Oh, do I?

It's Not the Size of the

Boat: Embracing Life

with a Micro-Penis.

Tammy.

My ex-wife Tammy likes

to check in every so often

and make sure I'm doing okay.

And if I am, she tries to

everything up.

Okay, I pre-dialed 911,

so all you have to

do is press send.

You're worrying

over nothing.

If she binds your

hands and you can't

reach your phone,

just try to chew

yourself free.

Whale tail. Whale tail.

She's flashing a

whale tail.

Abort. Abort.

Hello, Tammy.

Oh!

Hello, Ron. I didn't

see you come in.

I was just checking

myself for scoliosis.

And?

Straight as an arrow.

Just like somebody

else I know.

Jerky?

Call off the dogs.

You and I both know

that in my entire adult life,

I have never checked

a book out of the library.

Oh, my God,

she's amazing.

Ooh!

Mmm.

I admit there was a time

when that sort of behavior

would've driven me wild.

But I am in a healthy

relationship now, Tammy.

A relationship? With whom?

A lovely, intelligent,

self-possessed pediatric

surgeon named Wendy.

Sounds like a real whore.

Clear the late charges

and cut the crap.

Good day.

Good day, Leslie.

Good... Good day.

Okay, so we're ordering

them a total of 30 pizzas,

so let's talk toppings.

Sausage, onion, and peppers.

Scientifically proven to

be the best toppings.

Nice.

Should we throw in some salads

for a healthy option?

Wow, don't be

such a Jerry, Ben.

Yeah, Ben, these guys

are cops, not ballerinas.

So we are throwing a

little shindig

for the police department

because we're asking them

to volunteer as security

during the Harvest Festival.

I don't know what it is

about big outdoor gatherings

that makes everyone want to

urinate all over everything,

but it does.

And they do.

Okay, how about

some calzones?

Calzones are like pizzas

but they're harder to eat.

They're dumb, and

so was that idea.

Seriously?

This is embarrassing

for you.

Sorry to interrupt.

Ron, are you ready?

Absolutely, my dear.

I am off to have

a mid-morning pre-lunch

with my lady friend,

but I will be back in

time for lunch.

All right.

Ron's girlfriend's pretty.

Tom's ex-wife.

Oh.

I don't want to see them

together. It's like they're

rubbing it in my face.

All I can think about

is Captain Mustache

plowing my ex-wife.

And you imagine he's

wearing a cape while

he's plowing her?

What?

No, just, Captain Mustache?

I mean, if all you can

think of is Ron, you know...

Maybe put him in some

tights and a cape, and

then it would be funny.

Now I'm imagining a cape.

April?

Did you call me?

I did call you.

Good ears.

Chris's assistant went

back to Indianapolis,

so he's borrowing

me for a few days.

Yay!

I'd like you to get me some

more Post-its. I'd like them

in multiple colors.

I'd like green.

I'd like yellow.

Do not buy orange.

I do not want orange.

I have plenty of orange.

Got it.

You want five million

orange Post-its.

That's hilarious.

Oh, wait! I have a

Post-it for you.

It says, "Great job!"

Mmm...

Great job.

Mmm..

There you go.

They're getting

really old, and

I'm an only child.

I just feel like the

right thing to do is

to move back home.

I'm sorry to see you go.

I've really come to

think of you as

a companion.

Hey, I don't suppose

you'd want to move

to Canada?

Canada.

No, I don't suppose

I would.

Hey, I hate to nag,

but shouldn't we

be talking strategy,

like, when to ask the chief

for this huge critical favor?

Yes. I know exactly

when we should do it.

Post-pizza, pre-ice

cream, between his

third and fourth beer.

He'll be full but

not stuffed, tipsy

but not drunk.

Should be around 9:00.

Okay, so you've

thought this through.

Just sit tight.

I'll get you a beer.

Can I have

two beers, please?

Hey, you okay?

Wendy and I are over.

She's moving

back to Canada.

It's too bad.

I just taught her

how to whittle.

She made me this tiny

sharpened stick.

Look, I'm gonna tell

you what I tell

all my girlfriends

when they get dumped.

Men are dogs.

Thank you, Leslie.

That does not apply to

this situation at all.

But thank you.

I appreciate it.

This is a disaster.

You're not into football?

I knew there was something

wrong with you.

I knew it. I knew it,

knew it, knew it.

Honestly, I haven't felt

this good in years.

And it's not just because

of the supplements

he has me taking

and the soluble fiber

and the increase

in regularity.

It's him.

He's moving back to

Indianapolis in a couple

of weeks, which sucks.

But if he asked me

to move with him,

I think I would.

I would like

a local beer.

I'd like it

in a bottle.

I'd like the bottle

to be cold.

I would like a glass

of white wine.

I would like it to

be chardonnay.

And I would like that

with one ice cube.

Thanks.

Chief Trumple?

Hey, Knope.

You know Ben Wyatt

from the State Budget Office.

Hello.

Yeah, how's it going?

Thanks for the party.

Good pizza.

Great. So, yeah,

the pizza's dynamite,

isn't it?

I just said

it was good pizza.

It's good. Pizza's good.

You...

You know what

I like? Calzones.

What the hell is

wrong with this guy?

Sorry. We'll check in

with you later.

Take it easy.

Yeah, will do.

What is wrong with you?

I was getting somewhere

with that.

Yeah, great small

talk over there.

Okay, let me handle this.

I get a little nervous

with cops.

I'm in control.

What's up?

Tom Haverford's in

the building.

Whoo!

Tom, what the hell

are you doing?

Same thing you're doing,

celebrating Pawnee's finest.

I believe you know

my date, Tammy Swanson.

Hi-ya, Ron.

Oh. Hi-ya, Ron.

Hey, Ron.

I'm sorry.

Is seeing your ex-wife

on my arm making

you uncomfortable?

Gee, I can't imagine

why. Or can I?

I like this song.

Do you wanna dance, Tammy?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh. Ah.

I know Tammy seems scary.

But really, she's just

a manipulative, psychotic,

library-book-peddling,

sex-crazed she-demon.

Yeah.

I think

that's enough.

Tammy.

Hi, Ron.

I was just tasting my

new boyfriend, Glenn.

Tom.

You don't know what

you're mixed up in, son.

This isn't about you.

It's about me.

Typical Ron Swanson.

Always thinking

about yourself.

Maybe we like each other.

Yeah, maybe we do.

Okay. Let's

take it easy.

Tammy, leave him

out of this.

So it's okay for you to have

a girlfriend, but I'm not

supposed to see anybody?

Damn it, woman!

Just crawl back into the

dank hole you came from

and leave my friends alone.

Okay, okay.

Let's settle down.

What seems to

be the problem?

What seems to be

the problem?

Is there a problem here?

Basically what we had

here was a dispute of

a domestic nature.

White male, 40, 45.

Caucasian male.

Stocky build.

Approximately 5'10".

Verbal altercation transpired

at approximately 8:55 P.M.

with a female unsub.

Appears to be

slightly intoxicated.

Claims to be an ex-spouse.

Real piece of work.

Real piece of work.

Real piece of work.

I know why you're

doing this, and you're

making a huge mistake.

Fight fire with fire, Leslie.

He dates my ex, I date his.

Ron and Wendy aren't even

dating anymore. She's

moving back to Canada.

What?

Oh, God.

Okay, hey. What's

happening here?

Ron and I are going

to get a cup of coffee

and talk things out.

It's time for Tammy and

me to bury the hatchet

once and for all.

Everything will be fine.

It's been like this

for hours.

Right there.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Swanson!

Snap out of it!

Leslie.

Congratulate us.

Ron's got one just

like it on his penis.

Oh, yeah.

What the hell

happened to you?

Well...

Here you go.

Rock and roll!

Yeah, baby!

I got it!

You may now

kiss the bride.

It's been kind of

a crazy night.

Come back,

come back.

April, could you come

in here a second?

April, way to come in.

Great initiative.

You called me in.

Listen, could you please

call Ann Perkins

and tell her that I will

be unable to enjoy lunch

with her today,

as I am just swamped.

All day.

Copy that.

Hi, Ann. This is April.

I'm just calling to

let you know that Chris

can't make lunch today.

I knew you wouldn't care.

Good-bye.

They started having sex

at the court house.

We had no choice.

Oh, well, I completely

understand.

Chief, I need to ask

you a huge favor.

Leslie.

Ron is a good man

who just got caught up

in something terrible.

And I was hoping that

maybe you would

reduce his charges

and release him

into my custody.

All right.

But keep him away from

that crazy librarian.

I'll do my best.

In fact, I don't want

him within 500 feet

of the library.

That's good advice

for all of us.

Nothing but trouble there.

Thanks a lot, bro. Sorry.

Hey, stop.

Take me back to Tammy.

For the millionth time, no.

That was not the favor

we needed to ask for, Leslie.

If we don't get the police

for the Harvest Festival,

there is no Harvest Festival.

I know. I'll figure

it out later.

Can you turn

the radio off?

This is our song.

Your song is

Dancing on the Ceiling

by Lionel Richie?

Oh, wow, look at that. You

shaved off part of your

mustache. That's lovely.

I didn't shave it off.

It rubbed off.

From friction.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ron Swanson, this

is an intervention.

You have been spending the

last 24 hours sipping on joy

juice and tripping on Tammy.

Well, the people in this

room are your methadone.

And we're here

to get you clean.

Congratulations!

Holy matrimony, there's

the man of the hour.

Jerry, what is this?

That is the set of tumblers

that I got from the registry.

This is an intervention.

I thought you said on the

phone it was a reception.

Okay. All right,

let's begin.

I would like to address

the goofy-looking,

dirty-kimono-wearing,

corn-rowed clown

in the room.

If you see Ron Swanson,

can you give him

this message?

You used to be a man.

You need to get your

house in order.

Look, I love you

like a brother,

but right now, I hate

you like my actual

brother, LeVondrious,

who I hate.

Okay, Tom.

Ron, you look great.

Your skin is glowing.

I've never seen you so happy.

Okay, sit down.

Andy.

Ron, I do not really

understand what is

going on right now.

But no matter what,

you must keep going.

No.

You must stop.

I love you, buddy.

Follow your dreams.

Powerful stuff.

April? What are

you doing here?

I work for your boyfriend.

What are you doing here?

I came to see why Chris

stood me up for lunch,

but I think I just

figured it out.

Because he doesn't like you.

No, I'm pretty

sure that's not it.

Actually it's

because I didn't call

you deliberately.

Which, if you ask me,

is a fire-able offense.

So I would tell him that.

Also, he's not into

you sexually.

Ann Perkins. April Ludgate.

Literally two of my favorite

people on earth.

I'm sorry that I had

to cancel lunch.

Not at all. It's

not a problem.

April here was very

apologetic on the phone.

She also sent me flowers.

April. Nice touch.

Hello, Ron. It's Ron.

If you're watching this,

it means that once again

you have danced

with the devil.

Right now, you're probably

thinking, "Tammy's changed.

We'll be happy together."

But you're only thinking

that because she's a

monstrous parasite

who entered through

your privates and lodged

herself in your brain.

So you have two choices.

One, get rid of Tammy,

or two, lobotomy

and castration.

Choose wisely.

You stupid.

This is a waste of time.

You people have no idea

what you're talking about.

That was you on the tape.

That was you talking.

Ron? Ron!

Ron. There you are.

Ron. Stop it. God, please.

Ron, don't do that.

Oh, it's done, Leslie.

Tammy and I are in love,

and we're gonna start

a family together.

In fact, she's ovulating.

So if you'll excuse us,

we're heading off on

our honeymoon.

Wow. Where are

you going?

Jerry.

We're gonna spend 11 days

in my cabin in the woods.

We bought 10 cases of

Gatorade and a 40-pound

bag of peanuts for energy.

Oh, God.

Give me it.

Okay. Excuse me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

Ann and I are headed out

and I just wanted to thank you

for everything today,

and I will see you tomorrow.

Hi, Chris.

Ron Swanson has sent

me over to deliver to

you this document.

"To whom it may concern,

dear Chris,

"there is an emergency

regarding the

Parks Department,

"and April may just be

the only person who can help.

"I can't get into details

because it's super-classified.

"Please release April

back to us permanently.

"God bless America.

"Love, Bert Macklin, FBI."

What?

Okay. Well, bye.

April, listen.

If you don't want to

work for me, I'm not

gonna force you.

You didn't have

to do this.

She didn't do that.

That was...

Dude, I think it sounds

like it was Macklin's call.

Look, I get it.

You're young,

and trying isn't cool.

But I think

you're smart.

I'm gonna be going back

to Indianapolis soon,

and I think you should

come work for me.

Wow, move all the

way to Indianapolis,

so I can pick up your

vitamins and supplements.

Everybody starts somewhere.

You'll travel,

and you will meet

interesting people.

Think about it.

Okay. I will.

Apparently he wants

April to move to

Indianapolis with him.

So that's something.

I hope you're happy.

Look, I just wanted to

show him what it felt like

to have your ex-wife

date someone you know.

Whatever happened after

that is not my fault.

Yes, it is.

Tom, you did a really

crappy thing, and I think

deep down, you know that.

Whatever happens to

Ron Swanson is on you.

Excuse me, chief.

Sorry to interrupt.

Hey, calzone boy, what's up?

Well, here's hoping

that that nickname

doesn't stick. Right?

But that's not

why I'm here.

Leslie Knope asked you

for a favor the other day,

but the real favor we

need is much bigger.

You mean, like

calzone size?

Ah!

Sure.

We need the Pawnee

police force to

volunteer as security

during the upcoming

Harvest Festival.

Now, the city won't let us

throw the festival unless...

Say no more.

Just send me a schedule

of how many officers

you need and when.

Really? Just like that?

Leslie Knope gets as

many favors as she needs.

Can I ask why?

Because she's the kind

of a person who uses favors

to help other people.

And also, my buddy Dave

was the crankiest bastard

in the department

till he started dating Leslie.

So she...

Okay. Are they

still dating or...

No. Moved to

San Diego a year ago.

Was it a serious thing, or...

What do you care?

You a pervert?

Nope, nope. I'm all good.

Everything's fine.

This is fine.

Don't think I won't do it.

I'll wear this to work.

All right, one more.

What's in here, huh?

A new library card?

Read the name.

"Tammy Swanson Swanson."

You guys, that's amazing.

Well, you about ready

to go, my love?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, Ron! Stop!

Tom?

Jerry, what the hell?

Don't do it.

She doesn't love you.

You don't know what

you're talking about.

What are you doing here?

Yes, I do, okay?

When I asked her to

be my date, she cackled

for a full minute

and said, and I quote,

"Anything to make

Ron miserable."

It's not real, man.

She's just messing with you.

He's lying, Ron.

Stay out of this, Glenn.

It's Tom! And I'm not lying.

I'm not gonna let you

destroy Ron. You're

just gonna have to...

Ow!

Ow!

He's attacking me,

Ron! Kill him!

Yeah! Do your worst, Glenn!

You're gonna have to

do better than that.

Why are you hitting yourself,

Glenn? Stop hitting yourself.

Tammy, that's enough!

What?

Hey, baby.

You almost had me.

Again.

But seeing you pick

on this pathetic,

defenseless little man...

Hey.

...reminded me what

kind of a monster you are.

You're a joke.

You're not even

a man anymore.

Oh, and by the way,

last night, I faked

four out of the seven.

So did I.

Let's go, son.

Hey.

Sorry about the whole mess.

The crisis has been averted,

so let's go talk to the chief.

I already talked to him.

They'll give us the hours

we need, no problem.

Great. What

a relief.

Yeah.

Hey, are you hungry?

I haven't eaten.

You know, yeah.

There's a really

great calzone place

over in "Idiotville."

Oh, really?

Down on "Terrible

Idea Avenue."

Okay. That's weird.

'Cause I thought it was

on "Beating-a-Dead-Horse

Boulevard."

Calzones are pointless.

They're just pizza

that's harder to eat.

No one likes them.

Good day, sir.

Leslie, I...

You know, I...

I'm just kidding.

Let's go.

Okay. That was funny.

High and tight.

Do you think it's

gonna leave a scar?

Tom, women like scars.

Shows you survived

an attack,

and they'll assume

the attack was from a man.

Sorry, Ron,

about everything.

To true love. May

we both find it.

I'll drink to that.

Nice glasses.

Wedding present from Jerry.

You're not gonna

return them?

Nah, too much hassle.