Original subtitles

- [? theme music playing] - ? Kiff! ?

- ? Kiff! ? - ? Kiff! ?

? Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ?

- ? Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ? - [school bell ringing]

- ? Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ? - [engine revving]

? Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ?

- ? Yeah! Kiff! ? - [? theme music concludes]

[both laugh]

[presenter 1] Brought to you by Pablo's Popcorn Shoveler.

Popcorn doesn't stand a chance.

[? perky techno music playing]

- [indistinct chatter] - Okay, after a lengthy debate,

we've narrowed our choices down to two films.

Melons for Sale

or The Many Saints of Chugga Roo.

I'm thinking Melons for Sale. Barry?

Honestly, Chugga Roo's piquing my interest.

- Trev? Tiebreaker? - Melons. I feel it in my bones.

- [spits] Democracy! - [spits] Democracy!

- [spits] - [? music concludes]

Hey, Nick Nam�. How are you, pal?

Nice to see you again, Straight Edge.

Got something for me?

Nick Nam� makes you hand over your phone before the movie?

Oh, no. I hand it over voluntarily...

- [? tense music playing] - ...lest the temptation

to illegally record the movie becomes too great.

Straight Edge has my trust. He knows himself and his limits.

Must be nice.

Should Barry and I give our phones over too?

Typical Kiff, trying to suck up. I got my eye on you two.

I'm itching to give out

- my first lifetime bans. - [? sinister music playing]

[? upbeat music playing]

I guess nobody else wanted to see Melons for Sale. Weird.

This movie sounds awesome, right?

[projector whirring]

[actor 1 on screen] Melons for sale.

- Melons... for sale! - [? melodramatic music playing]

Melons for sale!

Melons... for sale!

Melons... for sale. Melons...

[breathes heavily] ...for sale!

- Oh, no. - It's in black and white?

[Kiff] Oh. Maybe this new character

will shake things up a bit.

Melons for sale.

Melons for sale?

[groans]

Oh, man.

[actress over screen] Melons for sale.

Okay, maybe it's not too late.

- [actor 1 over screen] Melons... - We bought tickets.

Shouldn't be a big deal to just go see the other movie.

...for sale!

- Sure. Yeah. - [sobbing] Melons for sale.

[sighs heavily] Melon!

Okay, we really gotta sell this.

What do you mean?

Ooh, let's see. Theater four. Looking for theater four.

- [? quirky music playing] - M... m... m... m... meh! Oh!

Here we go! Four.

Oh, yeah. [chuckling] O... our theater number is four!

- [laughs] - Yes, four! Not three, four!

It's one, two, four.

- [Barry] Theater four! - Not three, four.

- Is this it? Yeah? Okay. - Who said anything about three?

- Our theater number is four! - The theater that is printed-

Why would it be printed on the ticket if it wasn't true?

- [? cheerful music playing] - Phew, we are in!

There's nothing that can stop us from enjoying this film.

I have to pee.

What? Trevor, no. Everybody has to stay put.

What if someone takes your seat while you're gone?

I can try to hold it, but that can go really wrong.

- [groans] - [? tense music playing]

[Trevor] Oh! No, no, no!

Okay, okay, go. Just be quick.

Sheesh.

"Melons for sale. Melons for sale."

"Melons for...

"sale?"

[groans]

[? suspenseful music playing]

[Trevor] "Emergency exit.

"Warning alarm will sound if door is opened."

[sighs] I better text Kiff and Barry.

Oh, no. Hoisted by my own... How does that phrase go?

Uh, let me look online to find out.

Oh, Trevor, you've been hanging out

with Kiff and Barry way too much.

- Kiff! Barry! Help- - [? dramatic music playing]

[? upbeat music continues]

Look at all those legally ticketed moviegoers.

We don't belong here.

Barry, we're in the home stretch,

so wipe off that guilt sweat, okay?

It's getting on the popcorn.

But what if the theater fills up?

If the movie is sold out, three people won't have seats.

[? dubious music playing]

[Trevor] Mm. [grunts]

[sighs] There's got to be something I can use to escape-

[gasps, groans]

[gasps] Trevor, you mad genius!

"Trapped in hallway."

"Please open door. Forever yours, Trevor."

[? upbeat music playing]

Whoa, whoa, I can't believe how hard it is

to read this without my glasses. [spits]

Calculations?

Square footage divided by the number of butts.

Theater is 78% full.

[? suspenseful music playing]

Uh, sorry! We're saving that for a friend.

Are... are you sure?

Not a lot of seats. I see a few in the front.

Might be hard on the old neck. [groans]

[grunts] Take the seat.

Our friend, wherever he may be, can sit up front.

Oh, and... and my two friends, they also have crummy necks,

so we're the crummy neck bunch.

[chuckles] No, we don't call ourselves that.

Aw, the front row?

When Trevor gets back, he won't be happy.

Stay cool, Trev.

Someone will find you eventually.

I just have to make sure I keep my head. Right, Red?

So, what sign are you?

I'm an Avery's chin with a choo-choo rising

and a fancy pants moon.

Whoa, ooh! What's that, Red? "Open the exit door"?

"Who cares about the alarm"? "Throw caution to the wind"?

This conversation is just me talking to myself, you say?

- No, Red. - [? menacing music playing]

I have already accepted my fate.

[? upbeat music continues]

We're so close to the screen. My chin's above my nose!

[Nick over speaker] We'd like to take this moment

to remind our audience that phones are prohibited

for the duration of the movie.

We will find you!

- Kiff! - We have to let Trevor know

we changed seats.

He doesn't have his phone. He gave it to Nick.

Right. I'll just text Trevor

and tell him to get his phone back from Nick.

[chuckles] Oh, Kiff.

You've been hanging out with Trevor way too much.

Hey, Miss Deer Teacher. How's it going?

[sighs] Not great.

It looks like we're out of seats.

I guess I'll have to cancel my date and go home.

No, it's okay. Barry and I can just squeeze in here.

- Oh! - Where's your date?

She's already here. I'm trying to love myself,

so I bought two seats for a date with me. [chuckles]

I think we're hitting it off. [chuckles]

- [chuckles] - [munches]

[Nick over speaker] And now, your feature presentation.

This movie better be worth it.

[? sinister music playing]

So, you're saying

I've been waiting two years to see this movie.

[yells] I bought a ticket

but there's no seat for me? [screams]

- [grunts, yells indistinctly] - [crowd gasping, clamoring]

Kiff, I think we're in one of those situations

that keep spiraling out of control

until we learn a lesson.

Good call, Bar. Let's get out of here.

[Rat] ...but now I know that it's true!

- [guard] No one moves. - [crowd gasping]

Looks like a couple of clowns

thought it was a good idea to sneak in here.

- [crowd groaning, murmuring] - [? tense music playing]

Yes, you're right to murmur in dismay.

Now I'm gonna check everyone's ticket

so we can publicly shame these sickos.

Uh. Thank you. Yes.

- Hells, it's been forever! - [bell trills]

[whispers] Kiff, we gotta get out of here.

I hear you,

but if we just get up and walk out now,

it'll be super obvious that we're guilty!

Oh, it is spiraling. It is spiraling so fast.

I think it's that way?

[? tense music builds]

Oh, there you are.

[pants] We... we've been looking all over for you.

Oh! Wh- Huh? You didn't see? Ah! Wh-

[guard stammers] Just- I need it- Wh-

Hey, stop! Just gimme- [grunts] Hey!

[Kiff] Oh! Ah! Whoa! Hmm? Ah!

Guys! I can't-

- Ju- What- [grunts] - [Kiff] Whoa!

[guard stammers] I need it. One second.

[Kiff chuckles] Huh? I showed it to you.

- G... guys! [stammers] - Nope.

- [guard] Hey, stop! Just give- - Oh, you-

Oh! Oh, you said you wanted our tickets. Our mistake.

- [chuckles, sighs] - [? tense music continues]

- [? music concludes] - [alarm blaring]

I told you this was a bad idea!

[Barry] Trevor, you saved us!

We were so close to getting busted!

- [? triumphant music playing] - Kiff, Barry,

you've aged so gracefully.

How long has it been?

[groans] None of that matters now. Let's just go.

There's a perfectly good TV

- at home. - [Nick] Forgetting something?

[? menacing music playing]

"Hey, Trev. Kiff here.

"We're moving to the front, since there's not enough seats,

"because we snuck in."

Kiff is a very common name.

[? whimsical music playing]

[clears throat] Please let Barry and Trevor go.

It was I who led them to the other movie.

No, Kiff.

As leader of our friend group, I should take the fall.

[Nick clears throat]

- [shushes] - [? suspenseful music playing]

[whirs]

[blows]

[groans]

[? dramatic music playing]

It is an absolute disgrace...

that Melons for Sale ever got made.

- [? cheerful music playing] - However, I am also shocked...

that this cinema would ever agree to show it.

Honestly though, you guys should be punished...

for not leaving sooner.

But still, I commend your bravery.

Totally understandable. Horrible movie.

- Thank you. - It was in black and white.

Where's my fire extinguisher?

[actor 2 over screen] Welcome to Chugga Roo,

where a nickel is five nuts and a dime is 20. Don't ask.

- I don't make the rules. - [? dramatic music playing]

- [group cheers] - That's what I'm talking about!

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