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Good throw, it's, it's I'm okay.

I'll get the ball for you, okay.

You okay?

Oh me? I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Thanks for helping.

No problem.

Do I know you from somewhere?

I don't think so.

You did that charity fundraiser thing.

A bachelorette auction?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Must have been a bit hit,

I remember seeing something
about it in the papers.

You, you wanna hang out?

Yeah, sure.

So, those are basically
my favorite bands.

What about you?

Oh, I don't like music.

Oh.

So, where are you taking me?

To this secluded room
that nobody knows about,

it's gonna be great.

Hello. Hi.

Oh.

Guys, this is Jessie.

Jessie, this is my volunteer group.

Thanks Cody.

Excelsior, that guy.

We're doing a Thanksgiving food drive

for the soup kitchen.

That's Cody, and that's Bengie,

and Trisha, and Dakota, and Wendy

- and other Dakota.
- God damn it!

Whoa.

Who the hell do you think you are?

This is Mark Reynolds.

A kind and decent young man.

Charitable altruist.

Patriotic citizen.

STD free.

Yes, Mark Reynolds is truly
an example of a thoughtful,

virtuous, respectable.

Asshole.

Jessie, wait a minute.

Dude, not cool.

I don't understand.

I thought you were gonna try
to get me drunk and fuck me.

- Like a normal person.
- Good God.

Unfucking believable!

Wait, what?

Ah, Mark,

always so quick to save the damaged goods.

Well, no good deed goes unpunished.

For a while, Mark tried
to reason with the young

street walker on the
merits of public service.

He failed to noticed this
giant ball of murder here.

With the crazy eyes.

This is Tom Weatherby.

A man who made the mistake
of falling for Jessie

and when Tom saw his
unrequited love talking to Mark

it led him to do this.

Which in turn, led him to do this.

Which made him think that
this was a good idea.

Jessie!

Jessie!

What the fuck are you doing?

I just wanna talk.

Go home Tom.

But I love you.

Stop saying that!

I've had it with this mother fucker!

Let me find my damn nine milli,
we'll see about this bitch.

We'll see how much he loves me

when I shoot him in his dick!

What's up bro?

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, shit, is that a gun?

Dude, you better jet, she's really pissed.

Jessie!

Dude, she doesn't love you.

She's a hooker, like for real.

Later.

Which inevitably
led him to do this.

Is this you?

You feeling down on yourself.

Why you feeling down on yourself buddy?

You ain't so bad.

I mean, what's wrong with you?

Let me tell you what's wrong with you,

nothing that's what.

But hey, we all sing the
blues every now and again

it's nothing to go
jumping off a bridge over.

What, did I say that out loud?

I'm in your head.

Look, here's a number, here's a phone,

here's me on the other end of that line

with a group of trained counselors

ready to talk you down, get
you back up on your feet.

It's a no brainer.

So if life's getting you down

call Good Grief Suicide Hotline today.

After all, it wouldn't kill
ya to pick up the phone.

♫ Good grief, don't kill yourself today.

Good Grief
Suicide, what's your problem?

Is this the suicide hotline?

Fuck yeah it is.

What's going on buddy, what's your beef?

I just found out that
the love of my life is

in fact, an actual prostitute.

Nice.

What?

That's
fucking awesome man

cause now you can convince, what are you,

what are you doing?

Don't let him, no don't
let him out of the cage.

I wanna see him throw kiss.

That
is not how it works.

Don't you let them out of that cage.

But they're so pretty.

Are you listening to me?

No.

Look, if you, what are you doing?

Hold on, just wait.

Just, shh.

Stop it.

Look.

Oh my God.

See,
this is what happens.

They're eating each other.

What? You did this.

You did this.

Puga, help me.

What is that? I don't
even understand that.

Ah,
sorry about that man.

So, tell me again about
that little spit tail

you're dating.

Buddy?

Hello?

Oh, perfect, nice.

One way to go, skin
flap, that one's on you.

Tragic
story unfolding today

as we learn more about
the death of a local hero,

Thomas Weatherby.

The young fire fighter slash
Doctor's without Borders

surgeon was found in his
apartment this morning

after failing to appear
at the local library

where he would read to blind children.

Mr. Weatherby's estranged
girlfriend, Jessie Price,

had this to say.

Why is this mother
bull on me.

We went went out twice
and this mother

is talking about moving
in and meeting his mom.

And I'm like, why are you living

with your mom anyway?

this I'm out.

Now, one
would be hard pressed

to find Mark accountable
for the untimely death

of Jessie's crazy ex-boyfriend.

But, like a guilt-ridden Baptist

after a hot dog eating contest,
he somehow felt responsible.

Friends, neighbors and colleagues alike

are in mourning today.

Some going as far as to say

they can't see the point in living

in a world that would take the life

of someone like Thomas Weatherby.

His life torn
apart by a common prostitute.

We mourn the loss of Thomas Wea.

Is this you?

You feeling down on yourself.

Why are you feeling
down on yourself buddy?

You ain't so bad.

I mean, what's wrong with you?

Let me tell you what's wrong with you,

nothing.

Keep moving shit hill.

You heard me.

Better run boy, I'm coming to get ya.

Sheee-weeee.

Sure not.

I understand Danny,

but you gotta realize that this is

a very short part of your life

and you're not gonna know these kids

for more than like one more year.

This kid's a fucking pussy.

What did we say about sharing?

What did we say about sharing?

Well since his grandmother's
diming that's what they do.

Well I don't know what to tell ya.

Well stop being such a
fucking puss about it.

The pony meant a lot to you.

What's that?

Oh there were two ponies?

But they were an important
part of your childhood, yes?

That's okay, we can
.

Oh, so there was just the one pony?

Okay, I'm with you.

Everyone, shut up.

Shirley, shut up.

Alright, I got a couple of announcements

before we get started.

Let's see here,
maintenance has informed me

that the family of raccoon's
that was living in the basement

has now established a strong
hold on the second floor

and they are systematically
dismantling the fire escapes.

In preparation for what will no doubt

be a major of offensive.

So, something to be aware
of when you're down there.

The junkies from the
Methadone clinic on four

have been ripping copper wiring

out of the walls and then
shoving it in the toilets

for some reason.

So, there may be some issues
with water power today.

Lastly, the coffee shop in the lobby.

Was a Meth lab?

Was a Meth lab.

Boom, boom.

Yes, a very proud moment for you.

Gee-ya!

Why?

Oh shit, I'm sorry, kid.

Krav Maga training, everyone, let that

be a warning to you all.

Good Grief, when's your birthday?

Yeah.

Really, really, incredibly serious

about my morning announcements, okay?

Mmhm, mm?

Well, I was just, just caught off guard.

Mmhm.

I'm Mark Reynolds.

Well, Mark Reynolds, around
here you keep your guard up.

I talked to you about
volunteering on the phones.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Adorable.

Yeah, it's good for you.

So, you ready to get that dick wet.

What?

Come with me.

Today we'd like to have you shadow

one of our senior counselors.

Well, let's try to look at
the positive side of things,

at least now you're not
afraid of Asian anymore.

So, you preferred it that way?

I see.

Well, maybe if you tried
sending a nice muffin basket.

No, that's not a euphemism
I've heard before.

Yeah, well, there you go.

Grab a seat and just pay attention

to the way that everybody
else handles their callers

and, yup, that's pretty much it.

Oh. Oh, so there is no woman?

Hey, welcome aboard my man.

Thanks but I.

And keep your guard up.

I told ya to never call me here.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna
need to call you back.

Okay.

Okay, love you too.

Ba-bye.

Hi, I'm Mark.

I know who you are.

You don't fool me, I
can see the big picture.

Well, why should you have to spend

your hard earned money on it for food,

especially if the baby's a cunt.

Fuck off.

Yeah, I can give you some websites,

no problem, hold on.

Alright, ready, yeah you wanna
check out sellyourbaby.net.

Blackmarketbabies.com.

For real?

What's up Coop?

What's up trust fund.

Hey Doug.

So, Cooper.

Hm.

I was wondering.

Wow, this is kind of awkward, I ah.

I mean, because of some of the things

I've heard you talk about in the office.

Dude, what the fuck do you need?

What the fuck do you need?

You need fucking paperclips, pens,

toys, candy, passage
to the Alteron system?

Parsecs.

No, I was wondering if you could find,

ecstasy.

Yeah, sure, I can send for them.

It's just, it's in 1996.

Yeah, in a Paul Oakenfold concert.

You're covered in body
glitter, cause you're gay.

That's racist.

I'm just fucking with
ya, how much do you need?

Uh, three, four.

Yeah, done, no problem.

Great.

So, you want to ah, you wanna go with us

down to the dumpsters and
burn this 'ol hog leg here.

It's 9:30 in the morning.

Finally, fuck.

Pussy.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Shirley, super good to meet you.

I'm Mark.

Hi, so you're new to our
little family here, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, did I ever tell you
that Adam saved my life?

Well we just met so.

Yeah, I was on the wrong path

choosing the wrong choices, you know.

Making a bunch of meth at my bath tub,

blowing truckers at rest stops.

Dying my hair crazy colors.

I had cornrows once, I looked ridiculous.

But, you know, I called and Adam,

he helped me see that, well
that I'm beautiful and unique.

And now I go to meetings
five nights a week.

Sobriety.

Yay.

Hey Shirl, remember how we talked about

coming on too strong sometimes.

Do it?

Yeah, well, let's let Mark settle in

before we go to fuck
factor 12 on him, okay?

Oh, yeah, it's totally.

I was gonna go take a wiz anyway, so.

Wait till you get there.

Okay.

Well, it was nice, um, uh okay.

Nice girl.

She didn't blink once.

Not a big blinker.

But that ass, like cotton candy.

Good talk.

Stop crying, no listen to me Gary.

Semper fi.

Listen, are you?

No, no, no, no, no, a man is talking now.

You wanna hear my advise to you?

My advise is this, pull
your head out of your ass

and start acting like a fucking adult.

Okay then, have it your way.

Good Grief Suicide Hotline, thrill me.

You're where?

What, you're an asshole?

Man, if you jump off that building

you're gonna shut down traffic Downtown

for the rest of the day.

Yeah, we'll that's the problem isn't it?

Maybe don't be such a self
centered prick all the time.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Ah, yeah.

Hold on.

Hello?

Who is this?

Well this is Mark, who's this?

Richard.

Well, what seems to
be the problem Richard?

I've got the prostrate cancer.

Why, I think you mean prostate.

Yeah, dick.

Well, actually no, it's
not part of the penis at all.

No, I mean you're a di...

Where the fuck do you get off?

Dude, you just hung up on
a guy who has prostrate or

ah, ah, ah, prostate cancer.

Listen, because it's your first day

I'm gonna refrain from fist fucking

your pink little mouth.

Jesus Christ man.

But, and you need to listen to this.

Don't ever touch my phone again,

don't touch any of my stuff again.

Anything at all, for any reason at all

or I'm gonna rip off that
fucking arm and rape you with it.

This is really graphic.

Yeah, strong language isn't it?

Don't touch my stuff.

Don't look in my direction.

Do everything you can to make
me forget that you exist.

I'm just trying to help the call.

Good Grief Suicide Hotline.

Really?

Yeah, I work with a bunch of assholes too.

Morning.

Paul.

Mark.

Ah, good to see you Mark.

First day?

Well, yeah.

Well, alright.

It's really pretty simple.

Most important thing is listening

and pay attention to what they're saying

try to sympathize with
what they're going through.

Oh, okay.

I guess the only other
advise I could give would be.

Should I answer that?

Don't touch it.

Who is this?

Is this the suicide hotline?

Who the fuck gave you this number?

So, I go to school with
this one girl names Ashley

and she's supposed to
be like my best friend.

But then, like today,
she told David Johnson

that I give weird hand jobs.

And now, she's posting
all these pictures of me

from a sleep over

with my retainer in

and I'm going to kill myself.

Excuse me, Adam.

Yeah.

I think there's
something wrong out here.

Oh, Doug and Cooper went
out to the parking lot

to get high.

No, I think there's something
wrong with this Paul guy.

Oh yeah, that dude, I
mean the lights are on

but the people inside are fucking crazy.

Look, no, I don't care
about that I'm just saying.

See this place is more of a tax shelter

than it it a business.

Right, but.

You know, everybody out
there is court appointed

to be here indebted to me in some fashion.

Yeah, I know that but it.

You don't think I make
my money this way, do you?

Well no, I just.

No, damn straight I don't.

I make my money hacking
shit that no one needs

on late night TV.

Like the dog collar with
an MP3 player in it.

Or the hearing aid with
the MP3 player in it.

Or the big penny.

♫ Big penny

The what?

The big penny.

♫ Big penny

Okay, look we've gotten off track here.

I really think that this Paul guy

is scaring all the callers.

Don't, his phone is not plugged in.

I would never let that wing
nut talk to anybody in crisis.

I just figured that you could observe

everyone else from his desk.

I plugged his phone in.

You did what?

Oh, it's also,

they took me out of AP English

because my teacher's a total bitch.

I also think she's a lesbian.

Hello?

I'm new.

I'm new.

My man.

Alright.

Who needs another round?

Ah-huh.

Come on guys.

Yeah, this week gotten off to a bad start,

I'll give you that.

We did not take the
bull by the horns today.

It's important that we try to
learn from this experience,

you know, and take
these lemons of the past

and make them the leg juice of the future.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm talking about
taking this tragedy and,

you know, learning from the
mistakes that were made.

He means hiring you.

No.

Alright, let's just go ahead
and get right down into it

shall we?

Should Mark have plugged in Paul's phone?

Obviously no.

But only obviously in hindsight.

Should I have allowed Paul to talk me into

keeping a loaded weapon in his desk?

In retrospect, no, I shouldn't have

and that's on me.

The important thing is that we
rally, you know, and we live

to fight the good fight another day.

Most of us do it.

Come on man.

Did you get it?

No, I just wanted to see if you wanted

to make out a little.

We doing this?

What?

That was a test.

A test you passed, good for you.

Sha-bam.

Jesus, what's all that?

That's 15,000 fucking
dollars worth of ecstasy.

The Russian that I get
it from fronted it to me,

I am about to get paid.

Okay, I'm very uncomfortable
with the amount of drugs

you have right now.

Can we do this and get
me the hell out of here?

Bet you are, here, hold this.

Guys, guys, I got two for
one hot dogs at the bar.

Oh, oh.

What, no one else is gonna say it?

Well fine, I'll fucking say it then.

This dick head fucking killed
somebody his first day.

He's obviously not cut
out for the job at him.

Look, I didn't know that he was.

A crazy person.

He spent most of the day
starring at the ceiling, mate.

You need to head back to the quad

and play some frisbee golf, college boy.

I will destroy you at frolf.

Bring it mate cause I'll fucking.

Whoa, whoa!

We're all good at frisbee golf.

Calm down.

Are we calm Spencer?

Yeah.

Mark?

Fine.

Falcon punch, gah.

God damn it!

- What?
- That's my trachea, oh God.

That's a fucking falcon punch.

I should have never taught you that.

Oh what, I'm the dick?

I'm the fucking di, fuck off.

Come on, get up there Margaret.

Keep your guard up, okay, up.

Now, for most folks,

a day like Mark's would be the end

of their crisis counseling career.

But for our well meaning hero,
it was only the beginning.

I am done with online dating.

I mean, I figured their pig
tails were supposed to be ironic

and like she was wearing
a black flying shirt.

Who the hell is this Russian guy?

Rude.

Oh, hey Clermont.

Hey Doug.

Alright, we're gonna table this,

I wanna bounce some ideas off ya.

So, the Russian called?

The Russian called.

Oh, oh.

Mmhm.

Why did the Russian call?

How does he know my name?

Cause I told him you lost his drugs.

Why?

Cause you lost his drugs.

The guy said I owe him 15,000 dollars

by the end of the month

or he's gonna cut my fucking head off.

Wait, he's gonna cut
your fucking head off

or he's gonna cut your fucking head off.

Look, the guy drinks a
lot and he's got that

really heavy accent it's kinda.

I'm going to the police.

No the hell you're not.

Look, right now he's just
threatening castration

and maybe decapitation but
if you go to the police

it's gonna be both and
that's just the beginning.

Why would you do this to me?

Cause you flushed his
fucking drugs down the toilet

and I'm fond of my own head.

I'm fond of your head too Cooper.

Thanks buddy.

You're welcome.

Cooper, is Clermont gonna die?

Yes, yeah, horribly I would imagine.

No, no, no, no, no, you're not alone

a lot of people have
trouble during the holidays.

What do you mean what Cooper?

Well, that's true but that's why I said

maybe you should take
some time volunteering

at a homeless shelter, I mean
it gives you some perspective.

Well just don't take your wallet then.

Oh, hey it was great talking to you too.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, ba-bye.

Ah.

What?

I wanted four, four single solitary pills.

Good Grief Suicide Hotline this is Mark.

Hi, you actually said Suicide Hotline.

I don't even know why I'm
calling, this is so weird.

No, it's okay, it's not weird at all.

What's your name?

I'm Lizzy.

Okay, Lizzy, how you doing?

I mean, I'm fine I guess.

But, you know, it's the holidays and

my mom's on grand baby crazy

and my dad's drunk the whole time

cause he just found out
that my older brother's gay.

But he doesn't want my mom
to find out that he's gay.

But the she's the one who made him gay

in the first place, so,

I don't know, catch 22 I guess.

What the hell am I supposed to do.

I mean, we work in a call center.

Why don't you use the phones?

You can always run the
old Nana's jail bird

on some old ladies.

What's Nana's jail bird?

It's a phone scam, you know,

you collect a bunch of information online

and then you call up a bunch of grandma's

saying your grandson's in jail

I'm his friend, he's embarrassed,

he doesn't wanna call his
parents, he needs bail money.

And then boom, Bob's your
uncle, they send you money.

That's horrible.

I could never do that to
someone's grandmother.

I, stop that!

Shh.

You know what, you're
right, I'm being ridiculous.

You know, cheating people
out of a little money

that's way worse than not having a head.

I mean, some people might
say that sounds homophobic

but, I just think that makes
them sound fucking gay.

Well, I think that your
expectations for your parents

are a little bit unrealistic.

I mean, they seem like
very special people to me.

It's a fine line we walk with parents,

I mean you wanna you
wanna respect them but.

I'm gonna need a Bukkake Fiasco.

Black Cocks to Infinity and

the Shrivel X-mas addition
of Anal Crying Party's out,

I'll have one of those.

I'm also gonna need some rolling papers,

two strawberry cigars and,

do you have any fireworks?

No.

Hollow-point rounds?

No.

Okay, that's all.

It's hard to make them understand

that you're not trying to hurt them

with the decisions you make.

Oh no, I totally try to hurt them

with decisions that I make.

Really?

Well, seems a little bit different then.

That's something a sociopath would do.

What?

You think I'm a sociopath?

I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

No. No, no, no, I
didn't mean it like that

please don't do anything reckless.

Dude, relax, I'm just fucking with you.

You called a suicide hotline.

So?

So, that's something that
you shouldn't take lightly.

Look, I just think you
need to ask yourself

what exactly do you want out of life

and maybe look at some of
the choices you've made.

Wow, you're so right.

Look, you sound like
a very special person

that maybe just needs someone
to show you the right path.

Of course, why
didn't I think of it before?

That's what my life's
lacking, a role model.

You know, would you like to
meet for some coffee sometime?

No, I can't.

Why not?

It's policy, I'm not
allowed to socialize

with the callers, it's unethical.

Wouldn't wanna do anything unethical.

Glad you understand.

It's just that, I just
don't really feel comfortable

opening up over the phone and, I mean,

you're right I obviously can't
make decisions on my own.

I could just really use
someone to talk to, you know,

someone who clearly has all the answers.

It's a picture of you.

I wouldn't say all the answers.

So can you meet me?

Sure, what the heck.

Okay, tomorrow at eight at Jave Monkey.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Will do, see you then.

Alright.

Ah, fuck you.

Yes ma'am.

And when I talked to Jeff he begged me

not to call his parents.

He said to call you.

Yes ma'am.

The bail is 500 dollars.

Yes ma'am and I've
called all of our friends

and everyone else we could think of.

He sounded really scared
when I talked to him.

Why yes ma'am there are a
lot of black people in jail.

Now, I wouldn't say all that.

Now listen.

Of course ma'am.

You're right ma'am.

You will. You will?

She said she'll send the money.

What do I do?

Tell her to wire it, give
her the name on your fake ID.

I don't have a fake ID.

Really?

Just give her a fake name.

Yes ma'am.

My name is Erwin Fletcher.

No, thank you ma'am.

Ba-bye.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

You should have a ginger ale.

Shut the fuck up.

Why don't you have a fake ID?

I'm a grown ass man, why would I?

Do you?

No, that would be ridiculous.

Oh, but wait, look.

Looks like old Randy Bledso has one.

And, huh, look old Tom
Hoover, he's got one too.

And look, he's old Scott Peterson.

I'm tired of that one.

Why do you have so many?

I don't know, why anything?

Why do I keep finding him
asleep in the fucking garden?

I get tired from digging holes.

Why are you digging holes?

We're losing the security deposit.

Ow!

What is your problem man?

My problem, mate, is that you've got

no fucking business being
in this fucking office.

Hey guys, um.

Shut the fuck up Shirley.

Okay.

Hey, you owe her an apology.

Are you gonna make me?

Yeah, I am.

Is that a challenge?

Beat the dead horse?

Beat the horse.

Beat the dead horse!

♫ Beat the dead horse

♫ Beat the dead horse

♫ Beat the dead horse

What in the hell is going on out here?

Mark and Spencer are gonna
play beat the dead horse.

Let's do it!

Yeah!

Alright.

You are creating this monster.

You are creating this monster, you.

Okay, so the rules
of beat the dead horse

are the same as regular horse.

First counselor takes the first caller.

He has to not only talk
them down from suicide

but also convince them to do something

truly fucking retarded with their lives.

If he fails to do either
then he gets a letter

and it's the next counselor's turn.

If he succeeds, then the next counselor

has to convince the next caller

to do the same thing or
he also gets a letter.

Spencer won the coin toss, game on.

Good Grief, what's your problem?

Yes mate, yeah.

Sure, sure.

Well have you considered
taking up a hobby?

I've heard ventriloquism is very engaging.

Brilliant.

Why is that brilliant?

Because guys who talk to
dolls become repeat callers,

that makes us eligible
for federal funding.

How are you not in jail?

Shh.

Boom, he's taking up
Brazilian dance fighting

like those douche bags in the park.

You know, you should start a
micro brewery in your garage.

He's gonna find all
the cats on the internet.

Turning at risk youths into boxers.

High school guidance
counselor, it's fucking useless.

LARPing, you know, with
the foam rubber swords.

Ethnic cleansing.

Judges?

Come on.

Well, I think you're
making the right decision.

Well yes ma'am, you should be
excited, I'm excited for you.

Okay, take care, bye.

Convinced her to take up stilt walking.

Good Grief, what's your problem?

Feeling pretty lousy bro.

Yeah? Tell me about it mate.

Oh, so I was down in Costa
Rica a couple weeks ago.

Was getting myself some R and R.

Came back from a three day jungle hike

and was ready to kick back on
the beach with a tall Mai Tai.

Well my girl, my girl she says,

"Hey baby let's go get out in that water."

Long story short, I got both my damn legs

bitten off by a shark

after I wrecked into
him on a wind surfboard.

You um, really?

I shit you not my friend.

And now it's just like, what's the point?

I can't get ladies with leg knobs.

Yeah, no, of course mate, yeah.

Have you ever considered stilt walking?

Man, that is crazy man.

I got damn leg knobs, leg knobs man.

Mother fucking shark, man.

Whoa.

I can't believe that just happened.

That mother fucker's gonna
go cry in the stairwell.

He is the chosen one.

Jello.

Blake?

Spencer, how are ya sir?

Yeah, I'm fine mate, fine.

Listen, I've got a favor to ask ya.

Hi, Mark?

Lizzy?

Oh my God, I'm so late, I'm so sorry.

I was stuck in traffic and
then parking was just like wah.

And I should have ridden my bike,

you know, I mean, obviously.

I mean, obviously because of traffic

not obviously because
I'm like one of those

self deprecating women
who thinks she needs

to like exercise more or lose weight.

I mean, you don't think I
need to lose weight do you?

For the record,
Lizzy is high on cocaine.

No, not at all.

Oh my God, oh my God you
think I'm one of those like

A.D.D. meth freaks.

I mean, you're just like
ready to run for the hills

I can tell, oh.

Lizzy, calm down, that's not
what I was thinking at all.

What are you thinking?

Well, on the phone you seemed

like you needed some to talk to

and I thought I could help.

Oh, that's sweet.

Do you wanna go get a drink?

No, I don't drink.

Oh.

Okay.

So, you said you were having
problems with your family.

Let's talk about your
relationship with your mother.

Why don't we not.

Okay, what do
you want to do then?

What Lizzy wanted to do

was calmly explain to
Mark how offended she was

by his presumption that she
needed him as a role model.

But, instead, she waited for
him to go to the bathroom

and then slipped a shit
load of ecstasy and PCP

into his green tea, which, led to this.

Which, took a hard turn
and then led to this.

Which, as is often the
case in these situations,

led to this.

Oh, hidy ho Mark.

Calm on man, really?

What?

What, I thought his desk would
be the best place for him.

Well, Paul didn't have a family, did he?

And he was always happiest here.

You know, before you killed him.

Oh mate, you can't hide
him away down there.

Where you putting him?

That, that is disrespectful,
that is, Jesus Christ.

You know what, you.

Oh, Good Grief Suicide Hotline.

Right, no, no, I understand completely.

No, I actually get along
alright with my boss,

he's a bit of a twat but he's tolerable.

The piece of shit that sits
behind me, he's the one.

Exactly, like with a fucking brick, mate.

Just really get met even
real, he's just a cunt.

You know, big goonie face,

looks like if O.P. fucked
a sea bass of something.

You ever fight straight out of

and just trods around
here, pleading, lumbering

or shitting out the place.

"Oh, I just wanna help people, ah.

"I eat turkey sandwiches with mayonnaise

"and listen to Nickelback, durr."

Hey Marky Mark and the donkey punch.

How the vibrations feeling?

Let's just say I had a,
an unfortunate evening.

Hey, I wanted to tell
ya how impressed I was

about the way you handled
Spencer the other day.

You got a real gift for persuasion.

Thanks, um.

I guess I never thought of
what we do here as persuasion.

You kidding?

Everything's persuasion kid,
it's the lactating mother

of big business.

Take, the big penny.

♫ Big penny

There is no earthy reason that anyone

would ever need it, ever.

But it's my job to convince them

that this big ass hunk of tin

is gonna fill a hole in their
dismal lives, persuasion.

Wow.

Yeah.

Man, if I had that kind of influence

I could really help a lot of people.

Yeah. Why?

Because it's the right thing to do.

And how do you monetize that?

I don't know.

Philanthropy?

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Can't say I prove of that Mark.

Oh well, maybe this is a bad example but

what about those self help
guru guys that travel around?

Eh?

I mean, personally, I
think they're exploitive and

- I guess a lot of people really
- Yeah.

Get something out of them though.

Actually, yeah.

It's a good angle.

I can sell the shit out of hope.

No.

Good talk.

Keep up the good work there Susan G Komen.

Good Grief, what's your problem?

Hello, I'm not sure I
should actually be calling you

I'm not suicidal of anything.

Okay, and what's your problem.

Oh, I'm just a little
blue, I lost my dog recently.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Losing a per can be tough,

just like losing any other family member.

God, you're right.

You know I never really thought of that.

Mittens was like a brother to me.

Oh well, what breed was he?

What does that matter?

What, are you some sort
of elitist or something?

No, no, no, not at all.

I just thought maybe you
wanted to talk about him.

Oh, so you were just
patronizing me then, huh?

No, no, of course not.

God, I just lost my best friend

and you couldn't care less.

No sir, please calm down,
I'm just trying to help.

That's all Mittens
every wanted to do too.

Sir, please just take
a minute and calm down.

Can you do that for me?

Sir?

Sir!

Alright? Take care.

Hello little rabbit.

I have been looking for you.

And when I find you, if
you don't have my money

I'm going to slice you up and
make you a nice rabbit stew.

Hello?

I will be seeing you
very soon, little rabbit.

You have no messages

and you are going to die.

Hey Mark, you okay?

Lost caller today.

Oh no, I'm so sorry.

Thanks, I just feel horrible about it.

Yeah.

You know, one time, my
pimp caught me stealing

horse tranquilizers for
these two Nigerian guys.

He was pretty peeved about it.

So, he tied them up in a
warehouse down by the airport

and he gave me a gun and he told me

that I had to shoot one
of them in the head.

Good God.

Yeah, their screams
still haunt my nightmares

but the point is, at the end of the day,

one of them got to live.

Can't eat solid food anymore, but.

Why would you tell me that?

Cause, you can't save 'em all, right?

That's all I'm saying.

Hey, you guys wanna go to the bar?

Yes, you know what, a
beer sounds great right now.

Sweet.

Where's Clermont?

Ah, he, he left.

I hate that son of a bitch.

Are you gonna come to the bar?

Oh, no, I don't normally go to bars

but thanks for the invite.

What are you talking about?

You came out the first day I was here.

Oh, that's cause somebody died.

Oh, right.

Hey, come on, it'll be fun.

Look, I'll take care of you.

Yeah?

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay.

Okay.

Alright.

I mean, it's like, good luck.

Reparations, a lifetime
of crippling humiliation.

Yeah, but Adam, what do you do with it?

Nothing, you look at it.

I mean, it's just a big ass penny.

♫ Big penny

Why?

Because it's reassuring.

You know, I spend more God damn time

explaining the thing than I do selling it.

Hey Lizzy.

Hey Mike.

- Mark.
- Mark.

Yeah, so the other night.

Yeah, I got some questions.

Honestly, you're better off on your own.

So, I had the Rabbi
declare her legally dead.

And I can never go back to Toronto again.

That's the most upsetting
thing I've ever heard.

Alright
gentlemen, grab these beers.

Uh.

Oh um, excuse me sir, there's actually,

there's vodka in this.

Yeah, I know, it's yummy.

Oh, okay.

Shut up Shirley.

Hey Cooper.

Yeah?

Who's manning the phones?

Yeah, I'll have a shot of tequila

and the little lady here
will have a virgin daiquiri.

Make that two shots of tequila.

Virgin daiquiri.

Whoa.

So where'd your friends go?

I don't know.

Those guys aren't my friends
though, those guys are dicks.

Well, except for Shirley
because she's a girl.

So, you taking me home?

Sorry dude, no car.

Drive my car.

Oh wow, faggy car and
you're a total light weight.

Getting pretty wet over here guy.

I'm just gonna.

Fantastic.

♫ I want my zone and there's six of us

♫ All these hoes wanna get with us

♫ Feeling froggy wanna die

♫ A militia gang at his squad

♫ Coke all in my pie

♫ J's all in my blah

♫ Hollow tips all in my drop

♫ While my little cousin J's watching now

Where are we?

Hey.

You're awake, good for you.

Way to rally.

Um, I'm just stopping by my
friend's house really quick.

It'll only be a second.

♫ When the block got hot I flamed on

♫ I went and did my time and I came home

♫ It's game on they service deal

Hey, would you
mind staying in the car,

this'll only be a minute.

- Yeah, but I.
- Thanks.

♫ I wanna quit I wanna change

♫ But around here it's the same thing

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Hey man, let me holla
at you right quick.

What do you need?

Let your window down,
let me holla at you.

No thanks, I'm fine.

You fine?

Mother fucker I can see you,
I'm looking at you right now.

Let your fucking window down man.

Oh this, see this, that's that
racist shit mother fucker.

How you gonna pull this shit?

Fucking look at me, I can fucking see you.

I'm looking right at you.

Man, fuck you, mother
fucker gonna come down here

in your fucking hybrid,
I'll slap the shit out you.

Flip this shit over mother fucker.

Mark, what did you say to Tyquan?

You know that guy?

Yeah, he helps out at
the homeless shelter.

Hey, Ty.

What's up baby girl?

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, I was fine until this
Jim Crow mother fucker over

- here gonna come down here.
- Mark.

Did you give him a fake name?

Look, look.

And he fucking
wouldn't even look at me.

It's just a misunderstanding.

Fucking understand this,

you a fucking asshole and
racist and you a bitch.

It's the middle of the night.

I'm outta here.

What do you expect from me?

This big ass dude comes
walking up to the door and,

- don't look at me like that
- This is incredible

- dude, please, come back.
- disappointing.

- I'm sorry I didn't understand
- Fucker you were looking

- I didn't understand I'm sorry.
- right at me.

Fuck you racist mother fucker.

Look, I'm sorry, please come back.

Hey, where you going?

Oh Mark, you
poor, dumb, son of a bitch.

Young mister Reynolds, unfamiliar

with the ways of the world and
well beyond the legal limit.

Was hard pressed to explain to the officer

what he was doing in the
middle of the ghetto,

in the middle of the night,
with what turned out to be

a stolen microwave in his back seat.

And so, he was arrested, charged,

and eventually sentenced to 200 hours

of community service at none other

than the Good Grief Suicide Hotline.

To add insult to injury, Spencer
continued with his revenge

by having his friend
call Mark four more times

over the next week.

Each time resulting, in what
Mark believed, to be a suicide.

The pressure and crushing guilt

that came with each of these calls

took their toll on poor, stupid, Mark.

Mmhm,

mmhm.

Yup, mmhm yeah holidays are tough.

Well, we all have problems man.

Look, can you just keep your
head up and get through it?

Hello, hey Mark.

This is a new drink that I just made.

It's really good, you should try it.

Shirley,

- on the phone.
- You're on the phone.

Trying to ah.

Oh, my lips are sealed.

Okay, good talk, happy holidays.

Happy holidays, I love you.

What do you think?

What is it?

It's a black Russian and a screwdriver

mixed together.

I'm calling it a black
driver or a Morgan Freeman.

You know, Driving Miss Daisy, he's black.

He's a black guy, dark skinned brother.

Good.

I'll have another.

Right on, yes I will, done and done.

Mm, mmhm.

Check mate.

I'm gonna go get my keg stand on.

Woohoo.

Yeah bitches.

What the fuck is that?

Santa riding an
antlered cock, obviously.

Come on guy.

Good grief.

I am about to take the
Christmas tree into the fireplace

and torch this entire fucking gene pool.

Lizzy?

Dude, get me out of here.

What do you want from me?

All the bars are
closed and all my friends

are doing their own
family friendly bullshit.

I'm about to claw my mother's eyes out

I swear to God this time.

Where are you?

You called me, I'm at
my former volunteer job

which happens to be my
community service now

cause someone left me in the ghetto

with a stolen microwave in
my car in front of a cop.

And I just feel awful about it.

Is there alcohol where you are?

Yeah.

That sounds wonderful, I'm coming over.

Wait, no, no, no, no you're not.

Look, we haven't talked in over a week and

look, I liked you and I really
thought that I could help you

but now I can tell that you are just

way too much trouble for me to handle.

Oh, well that's super
professional of you

to say that to someone
calling a crisis hotline.

I'm gonna go poison the eggnog now.

I, I don't believe you.

I'm serious, I'm about to do something

genuinely fucked up over here.

Fine.

What?

I said fine.

I'll text you the address.

Yay, okay, I'll see you soon.

Hey champ.

You doing alright?

Come on man, it's not that bad.

You sure?

Cause from where I'm
sitting it's pretty bad.

The Russian said he gonna
make a stew out of me.

And I, kinda believe him.

I done sold damn near everything I had

to try to make the money.

And robbing the old white people.

That's pretty racist.

I'm still five grand
short of what I owe.

And even if I do come up with the money,

I've seen enough episodes
of the Sopranos to know that

he's gonna raise the,
the vig thingy again.

Yeah.

So do tell how it's not so bad?

Well shit, when you put it like that.

You're pretty fucked.

You can always go back to Africa.

Hey you.

Hey.

Muah.

You okay?

So okay.

For the record,
Lizzy is high on ecstasy.

You sure?

So sure.

Let's get me a drink.

Why are your eyes dilated?

I have allergies.

Probably shouldn't, probation and all.

Fucking light weight.

You're like dating a high school girl.

Dating?

Oh my God, Meg Ryan, do you wanna

paint each others toe nails and have a

long conversation about where
our relationship is heading?

Why are you like this?

Maybe I can't help it.

Then why do I keep hanging out with you?

You definitely can't help it.

Ugh.

Yeah but, what's it for?

For? Fucking your sister.

It's just a big as penny, you know,

it's got like a weight to
it, feels good in your hand.

♫ Big penny.

I've taken the most
underappreciated piece of art.

Hey gizmo, you gonna get it.

Fucking idiots.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I'm Lizzy.

Hi, I'm Shirley.

Such pretty hair.

Thank you.

Um, so you're a, you're Mark's?

Life coach, yeah, that's me.

So, that's cool, how do
you guys know each other?

Through here actually.

Yeah, I was having a freak out one day,

I called in and I talked to Mark and.

Oh, oh okay.

So, he asked you out when you called here?

No, no, I mean, I asked him out.

Oh.

Hey, what you ladies talking about?

Hey Mark, hey.

You okay Shirley.

Yeah, I'm good, yeah, fuck yeah.

Whoa.

Oh God, crazy bitch.

Whoa, whoa, I'm up.

I'm good.

I'm fine, it's good.

One second.

My hair looks great, she liked it.

Sure, of course.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Shirl, Shirl, are you sure you're okay?

I thought you didn't drink.

And I thought we weren't
supposed to date people

that called into the hotline.

We're not dating, just friends.

Girls who call into the
hotline are crazy bitches Mark.

Tell me about it.

I'm just trying to help her,

just like I'm trying to help you.

Look, I'm worried about you Shirl.

Oh, um.

Actually.

Hold that thought.

Come on guys, you're gonna
knock Paul's urn off my desk.

God damn it.

Do you wanna go snort
some X in the bathroom.

Yeah.

You fucked my fucking art man.

Can you sword
fight somewhere else please.

Biscuit.

Doug, let's light that shit.

It's so crispy.

Shut the fuck up Shirl.

I probably
should have worn a jacket.

Tonight was fun.

♫ Do you fuck me

♫ Do you fuck me

♫ Do you fuck me

♫ Do you fuck me

♫ Do you fuck me

♫ Do you fuck me

♫ Do you fuck me

♫ Do you fuck me

♫ Do you fuck me
♫ No I won't

♫ Do you fuck me
♫ No I won't

♫ Do you fuck me
♫ No I won't

♫ Do you fuck me
♫ No I won't

♫ Do you fuck me
♫ No I won't

♫ Do you fuck me
♫ No I won't

♫ Do you fuck me
♫ No I won't

Wow, uh that's.

Okay, uh-huh.

What?

This isn't your house is it?

No, keep going.

Well whose house is this?

Holy shit.

Come on, focus up.

That was fun.

Coulda choked me though.

Where are we right now?

This is my ex-boyfriend's house.

What?

Dude, relax.

Him and his dumb bitch wife
took their ugly ass babies

to his parent's house.

It's fine.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing, I was just having some fun.

Tricking me into
breaking into your ex's,

this isn't fun for me.

Could you please calm down

and stop being such a little bitch.

I'm leaving.

Merry Christmas faggot.

Ow.

I don't like this game.

Yeah, I wouldn't either.

Yellow.

Oh hey man, what's going?

A what now?

Well I can't, I can't honestly be expect.

Well, I mean that's
not me response, hello?

Hello?

What the hell did you say to the Russian?

Nothing, what do you mean?

Fucking nut chum who
just called me and told me

that I'm on the line for your lost drugs.

What?

Did you fuck me?

Shut up.

Did you fuck me?

Shut it Cooper.

Listen up monkey's.

Watch it!

My bad, got a black hygienist, we cool?

Couple of announcements.

Firstly, I've spoken to the police

about that creepy guy in the lobby

who keeps luring people
into the broom closet

and molesting them.

Apparently, he's got diplomatic immunity

and permission to be there.

I'm sorry Shirley, my
hands are tied on this one.

Secondly, the prison
van that was lit on fire

in the parking lot that no one bothered

to call anybody about
has lit the tire pile

at the south end of the building blaze

and it's still burning unchecked

so we're gonna use street
parking til further notice.

Lastly, tomorrow is New Year's Eve

and since none of you lovely people

have volunteered to man the phones

we are going to draw straws.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

Let's see, the shortest
straw is going to be in

from 10p to 6a.

Second shortest straw is
going to be in from 6a to 1p.

Spencer, you win, Happy New Year.

Oy, switch shifts with me,

I've got a thing on New Year's Eve.

No, obviously not.

Listen, you know what, forget it.

It's probably best I'm here anyway.

I wouldn't want some distraught
pet owner calling in.

You'd have them reaching
for a straight razor?

You had somebody call
in and fake a suicide,

didn't you, you sick son of a bitch.

Mate, where's my ball gone?

Falcon punch.

Oh, falcon punch.

Oh mate, you should
have seen that one coming

that was textbook and
I warned you about it.

Spencer!

My office now!

Reynolds keep your guard up.

I'm just gonna come
right out and say this.

I feel like you're
overusing the falcon punch.

Come on, that was funny.

Damn right it was.

My guy.

No spitting, beneath you.

Fair enough, cheers boss.

Get back out there.

Good talk.

Could we take the Russian?

Good to hear him laugh again.

Hmm.

There we go.

Get in there you archeieck piece of shit.

Fucking.

Welcome
back to our New Year's Eve

coverage we're here

- to see the ball drop
- Get in there.

And we are less than a minute out

from ringing in the New Year.

You know, the weather outside.

51, it's at 50 and people are counting.

They are cured to have a good time.

And boy they accomplishing.

They are just going bananas down there.

Things are totally
getting crazy over here.

People blaming shots, I mean,

we might need a fire exting.

Alright, you remember what happened

at the Christmas party last year,

and keep it under control.

And, but you know we're
here to have a good time

within the bounce of the ball.

And, of course,

but, you know, that's
neither here nor there.

We are less than 15 seconds out.

You can just hear the
crowd, it's so happy.

So, here we go, with 10, nine, eight,

seven, six, five, four,

three, two, and one.

What?

Is this the suicide hotline?

Yeah, what's your problem?

I am the destroyer, you
will bare witness to my wrath

Come again.

I am the destroyer, you'll
bare witness to my wrath.

So, is that it?

Jesus, you people are garbage.

You don't really give
a shit about anybody.

Can't argue that.

I kept calling and calling,

there was not one goddamn
person there to help me.

Well, you got me now, so
let's take a crack a it.

What's your problem?

The world is a cesspool,
my wife has left me,

I've lost my job, I accidentally
shot my cat Biscuit.

Is this Spencer?

This is Gary Spidoni,
I am the destroyer.

Spidoni?

That doesn't even sound like a real name.

Seriously man, what kind of crazy fuck

prank calls a suicide hotline?

Prank call?

You will be a witness to my wrath,

the street will run rant.

Yeah, go for it.

What?

You heard me, go for
it, I fucking dare you.

Jesus, are you okay?

Fuck you!

Spencer.

Ever
wanna get away from it all?

Looking for that perfect
vacation destination?

Then come on down to
beautiful sunny gulf shores.

Oil free since 2013.

Hello, I'm Monica Valentine

with this breaking news report.

Tragedy struck early this morning

at the New Year's Day parade in Downtown

when a disgruntled gun man opened fire

on spectators resulting in 17 deaths.

We now go live on the
scene with Brad Conway.

Thanks Monica, they're calling it

the New Year's Day Massacre.

With at least 17 people in body bags

and countless more
hanging on for dear life.

The shooter, identified as
Gary Spidoni, arrived at the

- parade early this morning
- Spidoni.

And then opened fire on a
crowd of innocent people.

Apparently, Spidoni had
suffered a break down

following the death of his best friend,

local hero, Thomas Weatherby,

who had been providing Spidoni with free

psychiatric counseling.

What an awful, terrible, horrible story.

I know.

Need an ambulance,

coworker of mine just jumped off the roof.

Something
inside of Mark shut down.

Faced with the fact
that he's inadvertently

killed is coworker and caused a massacre

within the same day,
Mark did the only thing

he thought he could do.

He lied.

He blamed Spencer for Gary's rampage,

claiming that Spencer
himself had been despondent

and played the roll of
the innocent bystander

so convincingly that he
walked away scot-free.

Well, almost.

Breaking information

in the New Year's Day Massacre.

The shooter, Gary Spidoni,
apparently contacted

a crisis counseling center
prior to the rampage.

In a tragic development,
the counselor with whom

Spidoni spoke, Spencer
Green, took his own life

in the early hours of the morning.

Police are investigating
a possible suicide pact

between the two men.

Hey, what do you got?

Something that will make me forget

that I've become a monster.

Just say tequila and
get on with your life.

Don't drag me into your bullshit,

this ain't fucking Cheers.

Fucking asshole.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
come to the door, Clermont,

come to the door.

What the hell man?

Russian called.

Russian called, do you have the money?

Almost, I'm still 1,000 shy.

Fuck.

Russian called, he wants his money today.

Why didn't her call me?

I don't know why he does things man.

I can't understand these
people, no one can,

they're descendants from bear
rapists and mountain trolls.

Fuck.

Okay, give me your keys.

What?

Look, I'm gonna give you the
money, you give me your car.

When you get the money back
I'll give you the car back,

okay?

Where'd you get all that money?

I got it from the Let's Keep Cooper

From Being Stew Foundation.

We had a nice little Chirstmas
five k fun run this year.

I gave a little speech about
what the fuck does it matter?

Okay, I'll call the Russian.

Fuck that, got to go now, come one now.

Move, move, move.

Where's Doug?

Fuck Doug.

Hey you.

Of course.

Hello Lizzy.

I though I'd find you here.

And you were right.

Bully for you.

So, I have some exciting news.

If you say you're
pregnant, so help me God.

Ew, gross, no.

So then what?

Oh, well you remember my friend Tyquan.

Well, it turns out that
besides volunteering

his time at a soup kitchen

he's also going to night
school to get his law degree.

He wants to help under
privileged families.

So admirable.

Any who, I was telling him
about you and about how we met.

You know, you coercing me to meeting you

and getting me drunk and
taking advantage of me.

And did you know, that what you did

could legally be construed
as a form of sexual assault.

What?

I know right, it's so crazy.

You coerced me.

Ugh, who knows who did what.

Anyway, so, Tyquan will be in touch.

I would like to keep this a civil matter

but if you want, I could
press criminal charges.

Why?

Oh, because I can pumpkin.

Cause you're the kind
of guy who'll let me.

Oh, ah.

Well, this is probably nothing
for you to worry about but

you might wanna get yourself
checked out by a doctor.

What?

Yeah, dude, I don't know for sure but,

yeah, I got something
weird going on downstairs

and it's just like.

Unfucking believable.

Yeah.

Aw, buck up champ.

Alright, I want you to let me do the,

oh shit, he's in the back.

So?

There's no windows in the back.

You know what, I'm just
gonna go in there myself.

No, I can't ask you to do that.

This guy has already
threatened to cut off your head

and your dick, put them
in a pot and eat them.

Let's not go poking bears alright.

Now, I feel marginally
responsible for all of this,

I can do this, just let me help, okay?

Coop,

you're a real good friend.

Yeah, I am.

How is our little rabbit?

Told you mother fucker.

Oh, I can't believe that worked.

Cooper!

Fuck you building.

Ow, what the fuck?

Shirley, what are you doing up here?

What are you doing up here?

I asked you first.

I, I am, I'm hitting rock bottom.

Well, not literally but, well
yeah actually yeah literally.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Shirley you can't jump off the roof.

Why not?

I have spent the last three
days in a trailer park

doing meth and making
a weird ass sandwiches

for people who turned out
to be completely imaginary.

Oh God damn it.

Yeah, I need an ambulance.

What are you doing up here?

I,

saw you from the parking lot.

Oh, okay, so you just thought
that you could come up here

and you could just talk me down.

Mark, look at my life.

Your life?

Shirley, I caused a massacre.

I killed a firefighting
superman, I am the hero slayer.

A meth problem, are you fucking serious?

A meth problem?

Okay, it's not a competition.

I mean, I would love a meth problem.

I would die for a meth problem.

You got some meth?

I will smoke the shit out
of that shit right now.

Give me that.

Oh okay, do you know what you're doing?

Alright.

That's right, this is me smoking meth.

Yup, you're doing it.

Are you happy Lord?

This is where I'm at now.

Jesus.

I mean, my life is complete shit Shirley.

And another thing I wanna tell you, I.

Whoa.

That part's actually not that bad.

Yeah, I can definitely see the appeal.

Then good, then you can deal
with the bugs under your skin

and having to hang out
with array of kids alright.

Cause, cause I'm done, I'm
out, I'm done, I can't.

God damn it Shirley,
snap the fuck out of it

and stop being a self centered bitch.

You're the only one of us
who's not a piece of shit.

I mean, everyone who works here,

we're manipulative and petty and

Shirley you're the only one

that wouldn't be doing this world a favor

by jumping off this roof right now.

And I.

Attention assholes.

Oh, he interrupted your speech.

Will you please stop
taking your lives at work.

You have perfectly good homes

in which to take your own lives.

Will you come down off that
roof before you whined up

on the God damn evening news.

Ugh.

You know what?

Thinks are gonna be
different Shirley, I promise.

I'm gonna start volunteering again.

Start taking care of
myself, no more drinking,

no more crazy bitches.

No more meth.

Yeah, we'll see.

Shall we?

Yeah.

Truckers really have bigger
dicks than everyone else?

Yeah.

No wonder you're tired.

And so, Mark Reynolds

became the man he was to become.

Not a particularly good man.

Brad Conway, channel five news,

were you part of the suicide part

between Spencer Green and Gary Spidoni?

No, I, well we.

Certainly not an honest man.

Well, my good Shirley,
she's really struggling

with a drug problem and
when I saw her on the roof

I knew I had to do something about it.

I just wish that I could

help out my good friend Spencer before.

So, you talked this
young woman out of jumping?

Kind of a bastard, really.

I did.

But, Mark's
appearance on the evening news

as a hero emerging in the
wake of Spensor's death,

led to this.

Which then, led to this.

Welcome back to Monica Up Close.

If you're just tuning in, I'm joined today

by a truly great American.

Mark Reynolds.

Mark, you've been called
a hero by the press.

Is that how you view yourself?

Monica, hero's just a word.

Have I saved lives, yes.

Does that make me special? Yes.

The way I live my life is
something everyone can achieve.

You just have to ask
yourself the question.

Am I ready to be the
best me that I can be?

Which inevitably led to this.

Will
I ever find my purpose?

My life has no meaning.

Can't someone show me

the path to happiness?

Hi there, I'm Mark Reynolds,
but you already knew that.

Are you unfulfilled on your life?

Are you looking for someone
to give you all the answers?

Well my friend, today is your day.

That's right, with my system,

you can reshape your world into
what ever you want it to be.

So call right now and
change you life forever.

Oh, and speaking of change,

if you call in the next 10 minutes

you'll receive this free gift.

That's right, it's a Mark penny.

And it's all yours with
the purchase of my system.

♫ Whoop it

♫ Look at that man

♫ Look at his face

♫ He greets the room with style and grace

♫ But he's a deeply
deeply deeply troubled man

♫ He jokes and laughs with all his friends

♫ But inside contemplates the end

♫ For he's a deeply
deeply deeply troubled man

♫ You wouldn't guess to look at him

♫ The depths are darkness behind that grin

♫ He's a deeply deeply deeply troubled man

♫ Life has taken quite a toll

♫ But his hell's largely self imposed

♫ For he's a deeply
deeply deeply troubled man

♫ And what the hell
does he think he's doing

♫ The only one that he
is screwing is himself

♫ Himself

♫ Tortured soul

♫ Misunderstood

♫ Going round like it's all good

♫ He's a deeply deeply deeply troubled man

♫ He cuts himself when he can

♫ And yells inside his head again

♫ He's a deeply deeply deeply troubled man

♫ And what the hell
does he think he's doing

♫ The only one that he
is screwing is himself

♫ Himself

♫ So pray for him

♫ Let him win

♫ Speak softly when you speak to him

♫ For he's a deeply
deeply deeply troubled man

♫ He's not nice when he loses

♫ He is brutal when he boozes

♫ A deeply deeply deeply troubled man

♫ But what the hell
does he think he's doing

♫ The only one that he
is screwing is himself

♫ Himself

♫ Himself

♫ Himself

♫ I will buy want to die get me one please

♫ Life is tough I've had enough

♫ I want to leave

♫ Cause I just can't bring myself to it