Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[instrumental "It Had To Be You"]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant.

It was a Horn & Hardart cafeteria.

And this beautiful girl walked in

and I turned to Arthur

and I said, "Arthur, you see that girl?

I'm going to marry her."

And two weeks later we were married.

And it's over 50 years later

and we're still married.

♪ It's very clear

♪ Our love is here to stay

- I love you. - I love you.

♪ Not for a year

♪ But ever and a day

♪ Oh the radio and the telephone ♪

♪ And the movies that we know

♪ May just be passing fancies.. ♪

[clears throat]

[clears throat loudly]

Oh! Hi, Sally.

'Sally, this is Harry Burns.'

Harry, this is Sally Albright.

Nice to meet you.

You wanna drive the first shift?

No, you're there already. You can start.

Back's open.

Call me.

I'll call you as soon as I get there.

Oh, call me from the road.

- I'll call you before that. - I love you.

I love you.

[horn blaring]

Sorry.

- I miss you already. - Bye. I miss you.

- I miss you already. Bye. - Bye.

♪ In time the Rockies may crumble ♪

♪ Gibraltar may tumble

♪ They only made of clay

♪ But

♪ Our love is here to stay ♪

I have it all figured out, it's an 18-hour trip

which breaks down into six shifts of three hours each.

Or, alternatively, we could break it down by mileage.

There's a, there's a map on the visor

that I've marked to show the locations

where we can change shifts.

Grape?

No. I don't like to eat between meals.

I'll roll down the window.

Why don't you tell me the story of your life?

The story of my life?

We got 18 hours to kill before we hit New York.

The story of my life isn't even gonna get us out of Chicago.

I mean nothing's happened to me yet.

That's why I'm going to New York.

- So something'll happen to you? - Yes.

Like what?

Like I'm going to journalism school to become a reporter.

So you can write about things that happen to other people.

That's one way to look at it.

Suppose nothing happens to you.

Suppose you live there your whole life and nothing happens

you never meet anybody, you never become anything

and finally you die one of those New York deaths

where nobody notices for two weeks

until the smell drifts into the hallway.

[Sally] Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.

- That's what drew her to me. - Your dark side?

[Harry] Sure. Why, don't you have a dark side?

I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people

who dots her I's with little hearts.

I have just as much

of a dark side as the next person.

Oh, really?

When I buy a new book

I always read the last page first.

That way, in case I die

before I finish I know how it ends.

That, my friend, is a dark side.

That doesn't mean you're deep or anything.

I mean, yes.

- Basically I'm a happy person. - 'So am I.'

And I don't see that there's anything wrong with that.

Of course not, you're too busy being happy.

Do you ever think about death?

- Yes. - 'Sure you do.'

A fleeting thought that drifts in and out

of the transom of your mind.

I spend hours, I spend days.

And you think this makes you a better person?

Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared

and you're not. That's all I'm saying.

In the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life

waiting for it.

[instrumental music]

- You're wrong. - I'm not wrong.

- He.. He wants her to leave. - You're wrong.

[Harry] That's why he puts her on the plane.

[Sally] I don't think she wants to stay.

[Harry] Of course she wants to stay!

Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart

than the other guy?

[Sally] I don't wanna spend the rest of my life

in Casablanca, married to a man who runs a bar.

That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don't.

[Harry] You'd rather be in a passionless marriage..

[Sally] And be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia.

...than live with the man you've had the greatest sex

of your life with just because he owns a bar

and that is all he does?

Yes. And so would any woman in her right mind.

Women are very practical, even Ingrid Bergman

which is why she gets on the plane

at the end of the movie.

I understand.

- What? What? - Nothing.

- What? - Forget about it.

- F-f.. What? Forget about what? - It's not important.

No, just tell me.

Obviously you haven't had great sex yet.

- Two, please. - Right over there.

- Yes, I have. - No, you haven't.

It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex.

With whom?

What?

With whom did you have this great sex?

I'm not gonna tell you that!

Fine. Don't tell me.

[indistinct chatter]

- Shel Gordon. - Shel. Sheldon?

No. No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.

- I did, too. - 'No, you didn't.'

A Sheldon can do your income taxes.

If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man.

But humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit.

'It's the name. "Do it to me, Sheldon.'

You're an animal, Sheldon. Ride me big, Sheldon."

- It doesn't work. - Hi.

- What can I get you? - I'll have a number three.

I'd like the chef's salad, please

with the oil and vinegar on the side.

And the apple pie a la mode.

Chef and apple a la mode.

But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want

the ice cream on the top I want it on the side.

And I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it.

'If not, then no ice cream just whipped cream'

but only if it's real, if it's out of a can

then nothing.

Not even the pie?

No, just the pie, but then not heated.

Uh-huh.

- What? - Nothin'. Nothin'.

So how come you broke up with Sheldon?

How do you know we broke up?

Because if you didn't break up

you wouldn't be here with me.

You'd be over with Sheldon the Wonder Schlong.

First of all, I am not withyou.

And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up.

You're right, you're right. I don't wanna know.

Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous

and I had these days-of-the-week underpants.

[imitates game-show buzzer] I'm sorry, I need a judge's ruling on this.

- Days-of-the-week underpants? - Yes.

They had days of the week on them

and I thought they were sort of funny.

And then one day Sheldon says to me

"You never wear Sunday." He's all suspicious.

Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday?

And I told him and he didn't believe me.

- What? - They don't make Sunday.

- Why not? - Because of God.

Okay, so 15% of my share is...90.

$6.90.

Let's leave seven.

What?

Do I have something on my face?

You're a very attractive person.

Thank you.

Amanda never said how attractive you were.

Well, maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive.

I don't think it's a matter of opinion.

Empirically, you are attractive.

Amanda is my friend.

So?

- So you're going with her. - So?

So you're coming on to me!

No, I wasn't.

What?

Can't a man say a woman is attractive

without it being a come-on?

Alright, alright.

Let's just say, just for the sake of argument

that it was a come-on.

What do you want me to do about it?

I take it back, okay? I take it back.

You can't take it back.

Why not?

Because it's already out there.

Oh, geez! What are we supposed to do?

Call the cops, it's already out there!

Just...let it...lie.

- Okay? - Great!

"Let it lie." That's my policy.

That's what I always say, "Let it lie."

Wanna spend the night in a motel?

See what I did? I didn't let it lie.

- Harry. - I said I would, then I didn't.

- Harry! Harry! - I went the other way. What?

We are just going to be friends, okay?

Great! Friends! It's the best thing.

[Harry] You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.

[Sally] Why not?

What I'm saying is

and this is not a come-on

in any way, shape or form

is that men and women can't be friends

because the sex part always gets in the way.

That's not true.

I have a number of men friends

and there is no sex involved.

- No, you don't. No, you don't. - Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

You only think you do.

You're saying I'm having sex with these men

without my knowledge?

No, what I'm saying is

they all wanna have sex with you.

- They do not. They do not. - Do, too.

- Do, too. - How do you know?

Because no man can be friends with a woman

that he finds attractive.

He always wants to have sex with her.

So you're saying that a man canbe friends with a woman

he finds unattractive.

No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too.

What if they don't wanna have sex with you?

Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there

so the friendship is ultimately doomed.

And that is the end of the story.

Well, I guess we're not gonna be friends then.

- Guess not. - That's too bad.

You were the only person that I knew in New York.

♪ You say ee-ther I say either ♪

♪ You say nee-ther and I say neither ♪

♪ Ee-ther either and nee-ther neither ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪

♪ Yes you like potato and I like pot-ahto ♪

♪ You like tomato I like tom-ahto ♪

♪ Potato pot-ahto tomato tom-ahto ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪

- Thanks for the ride. - Yeah, it was interesting.

- It was nice knowing you. - Yeah.

- Well, have a nice life. - You, too.

♪ You like potato and I like pot-ahto ♪

♪ You like tomato I like tom-ahto ♪

♪ Potato pot-ahto tomato tom-ahto ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪♪

We fell in love in high school.

Yeah, we were, we were high-school sweethearts.

But then after our junior year, his parents moved away.

- But I never forgot her. - He never forgot me.

No, her face was burned on my brain.

And it was 34 years later that I was walking down Broadway

and I saw her come out of Toffenetti's..

We both looked at each other

and it was just as though not a single day had gone by.

She was just as beautiful as she was at 16.

He was just the same.

He looked exactly the same.

♪ It seems we stood and talked

♪ Like this before

♪ We looked at each other in the same way then ♪

♪ But I can't remember where

♪ Or when

♪ The clothes you are wearing are the clothes you wore.. ♪

Joe! I thought it was you. I thought it was you.

- Harry Burns. - Harry, Harry. How ya doin'?

- Good. How you doin'? - Uh, fine. I'm doin' fine.

That's great. I was just walking by and I thought it was you.

- And here it is, it's you. - Yeah, yeah, it was.

You still with the DA's office?

[Joe] No, I switched to the other side.

Yeah, what-what about you?

I work with a small firm. We do political consulting.

- Ah-ha! Yeah. - Yeah, it's great. Yeah.

[chuckles]

Oh, Harry, this is Sally Albright.

Harry Burns. Uh..

Harry and I, we used to.. We lived in the same building.

[Harry] 'Yeah. Yeah.'

Well, listen, I got a plane to catch.

It was really good to see you, Joe.

- 'You too, Harry.' - Bye.

Thank God he couldn't place me.

I drove from college to New York with him five years ago

and it was the longest night of my life.

- What happened? - He made a pass at me.

And when I said no, he was going with a girlfriend of mine, uh..

Oh, my God. I can't remember her name.

Don't get involved with me, Joe, I am 26 years old

and I can't even remember the name of the girl

I was such good friends with, I wouldn't get involved

with her boyfriend.

- So what happened? - When?

When-when he made a pass at you, you said no..

Oh, oh. I said we could just be friends.

And this part I remember, he said that men and women

could never really be friends.

Do you think that's true?

No.

Do you have any women friends, just friends?

No.

But I will get one if it's important to you.

Amanda Reese!

That was her name. Thank God.

I will miss you. I love you.

- You do? - Yes.

I love you.

And what would you like to drink?

[female #1] Nothing, thanks.

Do you have any Bloody Mary mix?

- Yes. - No, wait.

Here's what I want. Regular tomato juice.

Fill it up about three quarters then add a splash

of Bloody Mary mix, just a splash

and a little piece of lime, but on the side.

The University of Chicago, right?

Yes.

Did you look this good at the university of Chicago?

- No. - Did we ever..

No. No!

We drove from Chicago to New York together

after graduation.

Would you two like to sit together?

- No-- - Great! Thank you.

You were a good friend of, um..

Amanda's. I can't believe you can't remember her name.

What do you mean? I can remember.

- Amanda, right? Amanda Rice. - Reese.

Reese, right. That's what I said. Whatever happened to her?

- I have no idea. - You have no idea?

You were really good friends with her, we didn't make it

because you were such good friends.

- You went with her! - And was it worth it?

The sacrifice for a friend that you don't even

keep in touch with?

Harry, you might not believe this

but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

- You were gonna be a gymnast. - A journalist.

Right. That's what I said. And?

I am a journalist. I work at "The News."

Great. And you're with Joe.

Well, that's great. Great.

You're together, what, three weeks?

A month. How did you know that?

You take someone to the airport, it's clearly the beginning

of a relationship, that's why I've never taken anyone

to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.

Why?

Because eventually, things move on

and you don't take someone to the airport.

And I never wanted anyone to say to me

"How come you never take me to the airport anymore?"

It's amazing, you look like a normal person

but actually you are the Angel of Death.

Are you gonna marry him?

[sighs] We have only known each other for a month, and besides

neither one of us is looking to get married right now

Hm, I'm getting married.

- You are? - Mm-hm.

- You are? - Yeah.

- Who is she? - Helen Hillson.

She's a lawyer. She's keeping her name.

[chuckles] You're getting married?

Yeah.

- What's so funny about that? - It's..

[laughs]

It's j.. It's just so optimistic of you, Harry.

Well, you'd be amazed what falling madly in love

can do for you.

Well, it's wonderful, it's nice to see you

embracing life in this manner.

Yeah, plus, you know, you just get to a certain point

where you get tired of the whole thing.

What whole thing?

The whole life-of-a-single-guy thing.

You meet someone, you have the safe lunch

you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner.

You go dancing, you do the white man's overbite..

...go back to her place, you have sex

and the minute you're finished, you know

what goes through your mind?

"How long do I have to lie here and hold her

"before I can get up and go home?

Is 30 seconds enough?"

That's what you're thinking? Is that true?

Sure. All men think that.

How long do you like to be held afterwards? All night, right?

See, that's the problem.

Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.

- I don't have a problem. - Yeah, you do.

[plane engine revving]

[indistinct chatter]

- Staying over? - Yes.

Would you like to have dinner? Just friends.

I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.

- When did I say that? - On the ride to New York.

No, no, no, no, I never said this.

Yes, that's right. They can't be friends.

Unless both of them are involved

with other people, then they can.

This is an amendment to the earlier rule.

If two people are in relationships

the pressure of possible involvement is lifted.

That doesn't work either because what happens then

is the person you're involved with can't understand

why you need to be friends with the person

you're just friends with, like it means

something is missing from the relationship

and why do you have to go outside to get it.

Then when you say "No, no, no. It's not true.

Nothing is missing from the relationship."

The person you're involved with then accuses you

of being secretly attracted to the person

you're just friends with, which you probably are.

I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding? Let's face it.

Which brings us back to the earlier rule

before the amendment which is

men and women can't be friends.

So where does it leave us?

- Harry. - What?

Goodbye.

Okay.

I'll just stop walking. I'll let you go ahead.

We were married 40 years ago.

We were married three years, we got a divorce.

Then I married Marjorie.

But first you lived with Barbara.

Right, Barbara. But I didn't marry Barbara.

I married Marjorie.

Then you got a divorce.

Right. Then I married Katie.

Another divorce.

Then a couple of years later at Eddie Collecio's funeral

I ran into her.

I was with some girl I don't even remember.

- Roberta. - Right. Roberta.

But I couldn't take my eyes off you.

I remember I snuck over to her and I said..

What did I say?

You said "What are you doin' after?"

Right, so I ditch Roberta

we go for coffee, a month later we're married.

Thirty-five years to the day after our first marriage.

I went through his pockets, okay.

Marie, why do you go through his pockets?

- You know what I found? - No, what?

They just bought a dining-room table.

I mean his wife just went out and spent $1,600

on a dinning room table.

Where?

[sighs] The point isn't where, Alice.

The point is he's never gonna leave her.

So what else is new? You've known this for two years.

You're right. You're right. I know you're right.

Why can't you find someone single?

When I was single, I knew lots of nice single men.

'There must be someone. Sally found someone.'

[Marie] 'Well, Sally got the last good one.'

- Joe and I broke up. - What?

- When? - Monday.

You waited three days to tell us--

- Joe's available? - Oh, for God's sakes, Marie!

Don't you have any feelings about this?

- She's obviously upset. - I'm not that upset.

We've been growing apart for quite a while.

But you guys were a couple.

You had someone to go places with.

You had a date on national holidays.

I said to myself, "You deserve more than this.

- You're 31 years old." - And the clock is ticking.

No, the clock doesn't really start to tick until you're 36.

God, you're in such great shape.

Well, I've had a few days to get used to it, and, uh..

...I feel okay.

Good. Then you're ready.

Really, Marie!

Well, how else do you think you do it?

I've got the perfect guy.

I don't happen to find him attractive, but you might.

She doesn't have a problem with chins.

Marie, I'm not ready yet.

But you just said you were over him.

I am over him, but I'm in a mourning period.

- Who is it? - Alex Anderson.

Oh!

You fixed me up with him six years ago.

Sorry. God.

Alright, wait. Here. Here we go.

Ken Darman.

He's been married for over a year.

Really?

Married.

- 'Oh, wait. Wait, I got one.' - Look.

There is no point in my going out with someone

I might really like, if I met him at the right time

but who right now has no chance of being anything to me

but a transitional man.

Okay, but don't wait too long.

Remember what happened with David Warsaw?

'His wife left him and everyone said'

"Give him some time. Don't move in too fast."

Six months later he was dead.

What are you saying, I should get married to someone

right away in case he's about to die?

At least you could say you were married.

[Marie] 'I'm saying that the right man for you might be out there'

right now, and if you don't grab him, someone else will

and you will have to spend the rest of your life

knowing that someone else

is married to your husband.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Ten! Hut!

[grunting]

[crowd cheering]

- When did this happen? - Friday.

Helen comes home from work and she says

"I don't know if I wanna be married anymore."

Like it's the institution, you know, like it's nothing personal

just something she's been thinking about in a casual way.

I'm calm, I say

"Why don't we take some time to think about it?

You know, don't rush into anything."

Yeah, right.

Next day she says she's thought about it.

And she wants a trial separation.

She just wants to try it, she says.

But we can still date

like this is supposed to cushion the blow.

I mean, I got married so I could stop dating

so I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive

since the last thing you wanna do is date your wife

who's supposed to love you.

Which is what I'm saying to her, when it occurs to me

that maybe she doesn't.

So I say to her, "Don't you love me anymore?"

Do you know what she says?

"I don't know if I've ever loved you."

Ooh! That's harsh.

[crowd cheering]

You don't bounce back from that right away.

- Thanks, Jess. - No, I'm a writer.

I know dialogue. And that's particularly harsh.

Then she tells me that somebody in her office

is going to South America

and she can sublet his apartment.

I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings.

"I can sublet his apartment"

the words are still hanging in the air

you know, like in a balloon attached to a mouth.

- Like a cartoon. - Right.

So I go to the door and there are moving men there.

Now I start to get suspicious.

I say "Helen, when did you call these movers?"

And she doesn't say anything.

So I ask the movers, "When did this woman book you

for this gig?" And they're just standing there.

Three huge guys, one of them wearing a T-shirt that says

"Don't fuck with Mr. Zero."

So I said, "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?"

She says, "A week ago."

I said, "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?"

And she says, "I didn't wanna ruin your birthday."

[crowd cheering]

You're saying Mr. Zero knew

you were getting a divorce a week before you did?

- Mr. Zero knew. - I can't believe this.

I haven't told you the bad part yet.

What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing?

It's all a lie.

She's in love with somebody else. Some tax attorney.

- She moved in with him. - How did you find out?

I followed her. Stood outside the building.

- That's so humiliating. - Tell me about it.

And, you know, I knew, I knew the whole time

that even though we were happy, it was just an illusion.

And that one day, she would kick the shit outta me.

Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity.

It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Oh, really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife!

[crowd cheering]

So I just happened to see his American Express bill.

What do you mean you just happened to see it?

Well, he was shaving, and there it was in his briefcase.

What if he came out and saw you looking through his briefcase?

You're missing the point. I'm telling you what I found.

He just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife.

I don't think he's ever gonna leave her.

No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.

You're right, you're right. I know you're right.

Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth.

I know him. You'd like him. He's married.

- Who is he? - Harry Burns.

He's a political consultant.

- 'He's cute.' - 'You think he's cute?'

[Marie] 'How do you know he's married?'

'Cause last time I saw him, he was getting married.

- When was that? - Six years ago.

So he might not be married anymore.

- Also, he's obnoxious. - Oh.

This is just like in the movies, remember, in "The Lady Vanishes"

when she says, "You're the most obnoxious man--"

- "The most contemptible". - Then they fall madly in love.

- Also, he never remembers me. - Sally Albright.

- Hi, Harry. - I thought it was you.

It is. This is Marie.

Was Marie.

- How are you? - Fine.

- How's Joe? - Fine.

I hear he's fine.

- You're not with Joe anymore? - We just broke up.

Oh. I'm sorry. That's too bad.

Yeah. Well, you know.

[chuckles] Yeah.

So..

- What about you? - I'm fine.

How's married life?

Not so good. I'm getting a divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm really sorry.

Yeah, well, what're you gonna do?

What happened with you guys?

When Joe and I started seeing each other

we wanted exactly the same thing.

We wanted to live together, but we didn't wanna get married

because every time anyone we knew got married

it ruined their relationship.

They practically never had sex again. It's true.

'It's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you.'

I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids

and actually my-my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice

and she would complain about how she and Gary

never did it anymore.

She didn't even complain about it, now that I think about it.

She said it matter-of-factly.

She said they were up all night

they were both exhausted all the time.

The kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them.

Joe and I used to talk about it and we'd say

"We're so lucky. We have this wonderful relationship.

"We can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry

"about the kids walking in.

'We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."'

And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl

for the afternoon 'cause I promised to take her

to the circus and..

...we were in the cab playing I-spy.

"I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamppost."

And she looked out the window and she saw

this man and this woman with these two little kids

and the man had one of the kids on the shoulders.

And she said, "I spy a family."

And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying.

And I went home and I said, "The thing is, Joe

we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."

And the kitchen floor?

Not once. It's this very cold, hard, Mexican ceramic tile.

Oh.

Anyway...we talked about it for a long time.

And I said, "This is what I want"

and he said, "Well, I don't."

And I said "Well, I guess it's over." And he left.

And the thing is, I, I feel really fine.

I am over him. I mean, I really am over him.

That was it for him. That was the most that he could give.

And every time I think about it, I am more and more convinced

that I did the right thing.

Boy, you sound really healthy.

Yeah.

At least I got the apartment.

That's what everybody says to me too.

But really, what's so hard about finding an apartment?

What you do is you read the obituary column.

You find out who died, go to the building

and then you tip the doorman.

What they could do to make it easier is combine

the obituaries with the real-estate section.

Say, then you have, "Mr. Klein died, leaving a wife

"two children and a spacious three-bedroom apartment

with a wood-burning fireplace." See.

You know the first time we met, I really didn't

like you that much.

- I didn't like you. - Yeah, you did.

You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.

You know I hate that kind of remark.

It sounds like a compliment, but really it's an insult.

Okay, you're still as hard as nails.

I just didn't wanna sleep with you and you had to write it off

as a character flaw, instead of dealing with the possibility

that it might have something to do with you.

What's the statute of limitations on apologies?

- Ten years. - Ooh.

I can just get it in under the wire.

Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

Are we becoming friends now?

Well..

Yeah.

Great! A woman friend. Hm.

You know you may be the first attractive woman

I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.

That's wonderful, Harry.

We were born in the same hospital.

In 1921.

- Seven days apart. - In the same hospital.

We both grew up one block apart.

We lived in tenements.

- On the Lower East Side. - On Delancey Street.

My family moved to the Bronx when I was ten.

He lived on Fordham Road.

Her's moved when she was 11.

I lived on 183rd Street.

For six years, she worked on the 15th floor as a nurse.

I worked for a very prominent neurologist, Dr. Permelman.

I had a practice on the 14th floor the very same building.

- We never met. - Never met.

- Can you imagine that? - Do you know where we met?

- In an elevator. - I was visiting family.

In the Ambassador Hotel in Chicago.

He was on the third floor, I was on the 12th.

I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her.

Nine extra floors.

[instrumental music]

[phone rings]

- Hello. - You sleeping?

[Sally on phone] No, I was watching "Casablanca."

- Channel please? - Eleven.

[Harry on phone] Thank you. Got it.

Now, you're telling me you'd be happier

with Victor Laszlo than with Humphrey Bogart?

- When did I say that? - When we drove to New York.

[Sally] I never said that. I would never have said that.

[Harry] Alright, fine. Have it your way.

- Have you been sleeping? - Why?

[Harry] 'Cause I haven't been sleeping. I really miss Helen.

Maybe I'm coming down with something.

Last night I was up at 4:00 in the morning

watching "Leave It To Beaver" in Spanish.

"Buenos dias, Senor Cleaver.

Donde estan Wallace y Theodore?"

I'm not well.

[Sally] Well, I went to bed at 7:30 last night.

I haven't done that since the third grade.

[Harry] Well, that's the good thing about depression.

You get your rest.

- I'm not depressed. - Okay. Fine.

[Harry] Do you still sleep on the same side of the bed?

[Sally] I did for a while, but now I'm pretty much

using the whole bed.

[Harry] God, that's great.

I feel weird when just my leg wanders over.

I miss her.

[Sally] I don't miss him. I really don't.

[Harry] Not even a little?

[Sally] You know what I miss?

[Sally] I miss the idea of him.

[Harry] Maybe I only miss the idea of Helen.

No, I miss the whole Helen.

[Sally] Last scene.

Goodbye, Rick. God bless you.

Ooh, Ingrid Bergman. Now, she's low maintenance.

- Low maintenance? - There are two kinds of women.

High maintenance and low maintenance.

And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?

An LM, definitely.

- Which one am I? - You're the worst kind.

You're high maintenance, but you think you're low maintenance.

- I don't see that. - You don't see that?

"Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad

"but I don't want the regular dressing.

"I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil

"but on the side, and then the salmon with the mustard sauce

but I want the mustard sauce on the side."

"On the side" is a very big thing for you.

Well, I just want it the way I want it.

I know. High maintenance.

...10,000 franks should pay our expenses.

- Our expenses? - Mm-hm.

Louis, I think this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

Ooh, best last line of a movie ever.

[Sally sighs]

I'm definitely coming down with something.

Probably a 24-hour tumor, they're going around.

- You don't have a tumor. - How do you know?

If you're so worried, go see a doctor.

No, he'll just tell me it's nothing.

- Will you be able to sleep? - If not, I'll be okay.

- What'll you do? - I'll stay up and moan.

Maybe I should practice now.

[moaning]

- Goodnight, Harry. - Mmm. Goodnight.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[Harry moaning]

[Sally exhales]

[Harry moaning]

I had my dream again, where I'm making love

and the Olympic judges are watching?

I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals.

I got a 9.8 from the Canadian, a perfect 10 from the American

and my mother, disguised as an East German judge

gave me a 5.6.

Must've been the dismount.

[Sally] 'Basically it's the same one'

I've been having since I was 12.

- What happens? - No, it's too embarrassing.

- Don't tell me. - Okay, there's this guy.

- What's he look like? - I don't know.

- He's just kinda faceless. - A faceless guy.

Okay. Then what?

He rips off my clothes.

- Then what happens? - That's it.

That's it? A faceless guy rips off your clothes.

And that's the sex fantasy you've been having

since you were 12. Exactly the same?

Well, sometimes I vary it a little.

- Which part? - What I'm wearing.

- What? - Nothing.

[Harry in silly accent] I have decided that for the rest of the day

we are going to talk like this.

- Like this? - No. Please to repeat after me.

- Pepper. - Pepper.

- Pepper. Pepper. Pepper. - Pepper! Pepper. Pepper..

Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

[both] Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.

[laughs] Oh, no!

- But I would be proud.. - But I would be proud..

- To partake.. - To partake..

- Of your pecan pie. - Of your pecan pie.

- Pecan pie. - Pecan pie.

- Pecan pie. - Pecan pie!

Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?

- Would you like to go.. - Not to repeat.

Please, to answer.

Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?

Oh. Oh. Well, I'd love to, Harry, but I-I can't.

What do you have? A hot date?

- Well, yeah. Yeah. - Really?

Yeah. I-I was gonna tell you about it

but, I don't know, I just..

- I felt strange about it. - Why?

Well, because we've been spending so much time together.

Oh, I think it's great that you have a date.

- You do? - Yeah.

Is that what you're gonna wear?

Yeah.

Well, I-I don't know. Why?

I think you should wear skirts more.

You look really good in skirts.

- I do? - Yeah.

You know, I have a theory that hieroglyphics are really

an ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.

You know, Harry, you should get out there, too.

[in silly accent] Oh, I'm not ready.

You should.

I would not be good for anybody right now.

It's time.

It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.

Mmh. See, no, it has to go this way.

The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.

You only had one date.

How do you know it's not gonna get worse?

How much worse can it get than finishing dinner

having him reach over pull a hair out of my head

and start floss with it at the table?

We're talking dream date compared to my horror.

It started out fine. She's a very nice person.

And we're sitting and we're talking in this

Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to.

And I was making jokes, you know, like

"Hey, I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia."

"This'll be a quick meal, I'll order two empty plates

and we can leave."

Yeah! Nothing from her, not even a smile.

So I downshift into small talk

and I ask her where she went to school.

And she says Michigan State.

And this reminds me of Helen.

All of a sudden I'm in the middle

of this massive anxiety attack

my heart's beatin' like a wild man

and I start sweatin' like a pig.

- Helen went to Michigan State? - No, she went to Northwestern.

But they're both Big Ten schools.

I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant.

[sighs]

Harry, I think this takes a long time.

It might be months before we're actually able to enjoy

going out with someone new.

Yeah.

And maybe longer before we're actually able

to go to bed with someone new.

Oh, I went to bed with her.

- You went to bed with her? - Sure.

Oh.

I don't understand this relationship.

- What do you mean? - You enjoy being with her?

- Yeah. - You find her attractive?

Yeah.

And you're not sleeping with her?

No.

You're afraid to let yourself be happy.

Why can't you give me credit for this?

This is a big thing for me.

I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex.

- I feel like I'm growing. - 'Are you finished?'

Hey, I got a whole stack of quarters, and I was here first.

- Were not. Were not! - Was too. Was too!

- You big jerk. - Little creep.

- Where was I? - You were growing.

Yeah.

It's very freeing. I can say anything to her.

Are you saying you can say things to her

you can't say to me?

No, it's just different.

It's a whole different perspective.

I get the woman's point of view on things.

She tells me about the men that she goes out with

and I can talk to her about the women that I see.

You tell her about other women?

Yeah.

Like the other night

I made love to this woman

and it was so incredible.

I took her to a place that wasn't human.

- She actually meowed. - You made a woman meow?

Yeah, that's the point, I can say these things to her.

And the great thing is, I don't have to lie

because I'm not always thinking about how to get her into bed.

- I can just be myself. - You made a woman meow?

[Sally] 'So, what do you do with these women?

'You just get up out of bed and leave?'

- Sure. - 'Well..'

Explain to me how you do it. What do you say?

I say I have an early meeting, early haircut..

- Early squash game. - You don't play squash.

They don't know that. They just met me.

- That's disgusting. - I know. I feel terrible.

You know, I'm so glad I never got involved with you.

I just would've ended up being some woman

you had to get up out of bed and leave at 3 o'clock

in the morning and go clean your andirons.

And you don't even have a fireplace.

Not that I would know this.

Why are you getting so upset?

- This is not about you. - Yes, it is!

You are a human affront to all women, and I am a woman.

Hey, I don't feel great about this

but I don't hear anyone complaining.

Of course not. You're out the door too fast.

I think they have an okay time.

How do you know?

What do you mean how do I know? I know.

- Because they.. - Yes, because they..

How do you know that they're really..

What are you saying? That they fake orgasm?

- It's possible. - Get outta here!

Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.

Well, they haven't faked it with me.

How do you know?

Because I know.

Oh. Right. That's right.

I forgot. You're a man.

- What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing.

It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them

and most women at one time or another have done it

so you do the math.

You don't think that I could tell the difference?

- No. - Get outta here.

Ooh.

[moaning]

Are you okay?

[moaning]

Oh, God.

Ooh! Oh, God.

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh, God.

'Oh, yeah, right there.'

[gasps]

[moaning]

Oh, God. Oh!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[moaning]

'Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Oh!'

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, God.

Oh.

I'll have what she's having.

♪ Sleigh bells ring

♪ Are you listening?

♪ In the lane snow is glistening ♪

♪ A beautiful sight

♪ We're happy tonight

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪

♪ Gone away is the bluebird

♪ Here to stay is a new bird

♪ He sings a love song as we go along ♪

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪

♪ In the meadow we can build a snowman ♪

♪ And pretend that he is Parson Brown ♪

♪ He'll say are you married

♪ We'll say no man

♪ But you can do the job when you're in town brother ♪

♪ Later on we'll conspire

♪ As we dream by the fire

♪ To face unafraid the plans that we made ♪

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪♪

♪ If they asked me

♪ I could write a book

♪ About the way you walk and whisper.. ♪

I like you without your beard, you can see your face.

It is my face!

[chuckles]

- Whoa! Dipping you. - Oh!

I really wanna thank you for taking me out tonight.

Oh, don't be silly.

The next New Year's Eve, if neither of us

is with anybody, you got a date.

Deal.

See? Now we can dance cheek to cheek.

Mm!

[sighs]

♪ Is just to tell them

♪ That I love you a lot

♪ Then the world discovers

♪ As my book ends

♪ How to make two lovers

♪ Of friends ♪

[male #1] 'Hey, everybody!'

'Ten seconds to New Year!'

- 'Ten..' - Wanna get some air?

- Yeah. - Seven, six..

[all] Five, four, three..

...two, one!

'Happy New Year!'

[all cheering]

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind

♪ Should auld acquaintance be.. ♪

- Happy New Year. - Happy New Year.

♪ And days of auld lang syne ♪

Well, he was a head counselor at the boys' camp

and I was a head counselor at the girls' camp.

And they had a social one night

and he walked across the room.

I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine

'cause people were always crossing rooms

to talk to Maxine.

But he was coming to talk to me, and he said..

"I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls."

At that moment I knew.

I knew the way you know about a good melon.

You sent flowers to yourself.

Sixty dollars I spent on this big stupid arrangement

of flowers, and I wrote a card that I planned to leave

on the table where Arthur would just happen to see it.

What did the card say?

"Please say yes. Love, Jonathan."

- Did it work? - He never even came over.

He forgot this charity thing that his wife is chairman of.

- He's never gonna leave her! - Of course he isn't.

You're right, you're right. I know you're right.

- Where is this place? - Somewhere on the next block.

[sighs] I can't believe I'm doing this.

Look, Harry is one of my best friends

and you are one of my best friends.

And if by some chance, you two hit it off, then we can all

still be friends instead of

drifting apart the way you do

when you get involved with someone

who doesn't know your friends.

You and I haven't drifted apart

since I started seeing Arthur.

If Arthur ever left his wife and I actually met him

I am sure that you and I would drift apart.

He's never gonna leave her.

Of course he isn't.

You're right, you're right. I know you're right.

- I don't know about this. - It's just a dinner.

You know, I've finally got little place in my life

where I'm comfortable with the fact

that it's just me and my work.

If she's so great, why aren't you taking her out?

How many times do I have to tell you? We're just friends.

So, you're saying she's not that attractive?

No, I told you she is attractive.

Yeah, but you also said she had a good personality.

She has a good personality.

What?

When someone's not that attractive

they're always described as having a good personality.

Look, if you would've asked me what does she look like

and I'd said, "She has a good personality"

that means she's not attractive.

But just because I happen to mention

that she has a good personality, she can be either.

She could be attractive with a good personality

or not attractive with a good personality.

- So which one is she? - Attractive.

But not beautiful, right?

It's like, whenever I read Jimmy Breslin

it's as if he's leaving some kind of a, a wake-up call

for the City of New York, you know.

What do you mean by a, a wake-up call?

He's, he's saying that we've actually got people in the city

we have people on welfare, we've got..

Would I have seen any of the, any of your windows?

A couple of weeks ago I did a, I did a thing with hostages.

- Oh, the people in blindfolds. - Yeah.

I thought it was like late '80s.

Uh-huh.

That's interesting.

Let's just say I'm, I'm really just

not a big fan of Jimmy Breslin.

Well.. He's the reason I became a writer

but that's not important.

[indistinct chatter]

Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey.

- Really? - Where're you from?

- South Orange. - Haddonfield.

Oh!

So, what are we gonna order?

Well, I'm gonna start with the grilled radicchio.

Jess, Sally is a great orderer.

Not only does she always pick the best thing on the menu

but she orders it in a way that even the, the chef didn't know

how good it could be.

I think restaurants have become too important.

Oh, I agree.

Restaurants are to people in the '80s

what theatre was to people in the '60s.

I read that in a magazine.

I wrote that.

- Get outta here. - No, I did! I wrote that.

I've never quoted anything from a magazine in my life.

That's amazing. Don't you think that's amazing?

And you wrote it?

I also wrote, "Pesto is the quiche of '80s."

- Get over yourself! - I did!

- Where did I read that? - New York Magazine.

Sally writes for New York Magazine.

You know, that piece had a real impact on me.

I-I don't know much about writing..

It spoke to you, and that pleases me.

I-I mean, I'm really happy to have to admire people

'who, who can be that articulate.'

[Jess] 'Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before.'

Oh! I've been looking for a red suede pump.

What do you think of Jess?

Well, uh--

Do you think you could go out with him?

I don't know..

'Cause I feel really comfortable with him.

You wanna go out with Jess.

If it would be alright with you.

Sure. Sure.

I'm just worried about Harry.

He's very sensitive

he's going through a rough period

and I-I just don't want you to reject him right now.

I wouldn't. I totally understand.

If you don't think you're gonna call Marie

do you mind if I call her?

- No, no. - Good, good, good.

But for tonight you shouldn't.

I mean, Sally's very vulnerable right now.

I mean, you can call Marie, it's fine

but just like wait a week or so, you know.

- Don't make any moves tonight. - Fine.

No problem. I wasn't even thinking about tonight.

Well, I don't really feel much like walking anymore.

- I think I'll get a cab. - I'll go with you.

Great! Taxi!

A man came to me and said

"I found nice girl for you.

"She lives in the next village

and she is ready for marriage."

We were not supposed to meet until the wedding

but I wanted to make sure.

So I sneak into her village, hid behind a tree

watch her washing the clothes.

I think if I don't like the way she looks, I don't marry her.

But she looked very nice to me.

So I said, "Okay," to the man.

We get married.

We married for 55 years.

I have to get this.

- I have to get this. - 'Harry.'

'We're here for Jess and Marie.'

I know, we'll find 'em something.

There's great stuff here.

Should've gone to the plant store.

Here. Perfect for them.

What's that?

Battery-operated pith helmet, with fan.

- Why is this necessary in life? - I don't know.

Look, look at this. Also makes great fries.

Oh, oh-oh. Good. Call off the dogs.

The hunt is over.

Sally, this is the greatest.

Sally, please report to me. Look at this.

This is the greatest. You're gonna love this.

This is a singing machine.

Look, you sing t-the lead

and this has the backup and everything.

This is from "Oklahoma!"

Here's the lyrics right here.

"Surrey With The Fringe On Top."

Yes, perfect.

Ooh!

♪ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry ♪

♪ When I take you out in my surrey ♪

♪ When I take you out in my surrey ♪

♪ With the fringe on top

Now you!

♪ Watch that fringe and see how it flutters ♪

♪ When I drive those high-steppin' strutters ♪

♪ Nosey pokes will peek through the shutters ♪

♪ And their eyes will pop

♪ The wheels are yellow the upholstery's brown ♪

♪ The dashboard's genuine leather ♪

♪ With isinglass curtains that will ro.. ♪♪

What?

It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice.

I know, it's terrible. Joe hated my voice..

It's Helen.

Helen?

She's coming right towards me.

- How are you, Harry? - Fine. I'm fine.

This is Ira Stone. Harry Burns.

[Ira] 'Harry.'

I'm sorry. This is Sally Albright.

Helen Hillson..

...and Ira.

Sally.

- Nice to meet you. - Hi.

Well..

- See you. - Yeah. Bye.

Nice to meet you, Ira.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm perfect.

She looked weird, didn't she? She looked really weird.

- She looked very weird. - I've never seen her before.

Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. Really.

- She must be retaining water. - Harry!

Believe me, the woman saved everything.

Sure you're okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

Look, it had to happen at some point.

In a city of eight million, you're bound

to run into your ex-wife. So boom, it happened.

And now I'm fine.

I like it. It works. It says home to me.

Alright. Alright.

We'll let Harry and Sally be the judge.

What do you think?

- It's nice. - Case closed.

Of course he likes it, he's a guy.

Sally?

- What's so awful about it? - It's so awful.

There's no way to even begin to explain

what's so awful about it.

Honey, I don't object any of your things.

[Marie] 'If we had an extra room, you could put all'

'your things in it, including your bar stools..'

Honey, wait, wait, wait. Honey, honey, wait, wait, wait.

You don't like my bar stools?

Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side.

I'm on your side.

I'm just trying to help you have a good taste.

I have good taste!

Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor

but they couldn't possibly all have good taste.

You know, it's funny.

We started out like this, Helen and I.

We had blank walls, We hung things

we picked out tiles together.

Then you know what happens?

'Six years later, you find yourself singing'

"Surrey With The Fringe On Top"

in front of Ira!

Do we have to talk about this right now?

Yes, I think that right now actually is the perfect time

to talk about this because I want our friends

to benefit from the wisdom of my experience.

Right now everything is great.

Everyone is happy, everyone is in love, and that's wonderful.

But you got to know that sooner or later

you're gonna be screaming at each other

about who's gonna get this dish.

This $8 dish will cost you a $1000 in phone calls

to the legal firm of "That's mine, this is yours."

- Harry! - Please.

Jess, Marie, do me a favor for your own good.

Put your name in your books right now

'before they get mixed up and you don't know'

'whose is whose, because some day'

believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds

over who's gonna get this coffee table.

This stupid, wagon-wheel

Roy-Rogers, garage-sale coffee table!

- I thought you liked it. - I was being nice!

[door slams]

He just bumped into Helen.

I want you to know..

...that I will never

want that wagon-wheel coffee table.

I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it.

Harry, you're gonna have to try to find a way

of not expressing every feeling that you have

every moment that you have them.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

There are times and places for things.

Well, the next time you're giving a lecture series

on social graces, would you let me know

'cause I'll sign up.

Hey!

You don't have to take your anger out on me.

Oh, I think I'm entitled to throw a little anger your way.

Especially when I'm being told how to live my life

by Miss Hospital Corners!

- What's that supposed to mean? - I mean, nothing bothers you!

You never get upset about anything!

Don't be ridiculous!

What?

You never get upset about Joe.

I never see that back up on you. How is that possible?

Don't you experience any feelings of loss?

I don't have to take this crap from you.

If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone?

- I see people! - See people?

Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

That will prove I'm over Joe, because I fuck somebody?

Harry, you're gonna have to move back to New Jersey

because you've slept with everybody in New York

and I don't see that turning Helen

into a faint memory for you.

Besides, I'll make love to somebody

when it is making love.

Not the way you do it, like you're out

for revenge or something.

Are you finished now?

Yes.

Can I say something?

Yes.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Don't say a word!

[Jess] 'It's a monkey, a monkey.'

'Monkey see, monkey do.'

- I-it's an ape. Going ape. - It's a baby!

- "Planet Of The Apes!" - "Planet Of The Apes?"

She said baby! How about Planet of the Dopes.

- It doesn't look like a baby. - Big mouth.

- 'Mick Jagger as a baby.' - 'Baby ape!'

- 'Stop with the apes.' - 'Um, baby's breath.'

Rosemary's Baby's mouth?

Won't you come home, Bill Baby?

- Kiss the baby! - Melancholy Baby's Mouth!

Baby fish. Baby-fish mouth! Baby-fish mouth!

- 'Fifteen seconds.' - 'A big baby mouth.'

- 'Baby boom!' - 'Baby..'

[Jess] Draw something resembling anything!

- Crying baby. Kiss the baby. - Baby spitting up..

- Exorcist baby! - Uh, baby..

- '"Yes, sir, that's my baby."' - '"No, sir, don't mean maybe."'

- 'That's it. Time's up.' - Baby talk.

Baby talk? W-what's that? That's not a saying.

Oh, but baby-fish mouth is sweeping the nation.

I hear them talking.

Final score. Our team, 110.

You guys, 60.

- Ouch. Fix! Definitely a fix. - Pathetic.

- I can't draw. - No..

That's a baby, and it's clearly talking.

- You're wonderful. - 'Alright.'

- 'Who wants coffee?' - 'I do, and I love you.'

- 'Do you have any tea?' - 'One tea.'

- Industrial strength. - 'Okay.'

- I'll help you. Decaf? - Yeah.

- Three. - Yes, please.

- Four. - Where's the bathroom?

Through that door, down the hall.

Never looked like a baby to me.

- Which part? - All of it.

Hey, Jess, you were gonna show me the cover of your book.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I-it's in the den.

Look, Julian, help yourself.

Have some more wine, whatever you like, okay?

I like saying it's in the den, it's got a nice ring to it.

Emily's a little young for Harry, don't you think?

Well, she's young, but look what she's done.

What has she done? She makes desserts.

Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you?

He's a good guy. Y-you should talk to him.

- Get to know him. - He's too tall to talk to.

She makes 3500 chocolate mousse pies a week.

Emily is "Aunt Emily?"

He took us all to a Met game last week. It was great.

You all went to a Met game together?

Yeah, but-but, you know, it was a last-minute thing.

But Sally hates baseball.

Harry doesn't even like sweets.

Julian is great.

I know. He's a grown-up.

- Emily is terrific. - Yeah.

Of course, when I asked where she was

when Kennedy was shot, she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?"

No.

[telephone rings]

- Hello? - 'Are you alone?'

Yeah. I was just finishing a book.

- 'Could you come over?' - What's the matter?

- He's getting married. - 'Who?'

Joe!

I'll be right there.

- Hi. - Are you alright?

Come on in.

- I'm sorry to call you so late. - It's alright.

[sobbing]

- I need a Kleenex! - Okay.

Okay. Okay.

He just called me up, "Wanted to see how you were?"

"Fine. How are you?" "Fine."

His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up.

He's got a big case in Newark

blah, blah, blah.

And I'm sitting on the phone thinking

"I am over him, I really am over him

"I can't believe I was ever remotely interested

in any of this."

[sobbing] And then he said

"I have some news."

She works in his office. She's a paralegal.

Her name is Kimberly.

He just met her!

She's supposed to be his transitional person

she's not supposed to be the one!

[sobbing]

All this time I've been saying

that he didn't wanna get married.

But the truth is..

...he didn't wanna marry me.

[sniffles] He didn't love me.

If you could take him back right now, would you?

[sobbing]

No!

But why didn't he wanna marry me?

- What's the matter with me? - Nothing.

- I'm difficult. - You're challenging.

I'm too structured and I'm completely closed off.

But in a good way.

No, no, no. I drove him away.

And I'm gonna be 40!

When?

- Some day. - In eight years.

But it's there!

It's just sitting there like this big dead end.

[sobs]

And it's not the same for men.

Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73.

Yeah, but he was too old to pick 'em up.

[chuckles]

[sobbing]

Oh, come here. Come here.

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be fine, you'll see.

Go ahead. It's not one of my favorites anyway.

[sniffles]

It's gonna be okay. Hm?

[breathing deeply]

Hm? Okay?

Okay.

I'll make some tea.

Harry, could you just hold me a little longer?

Oh, sure.

Oh.

[sighs]

Hm? Hm?

Are you comfortable?

Sure.

Do you want something to drink or something?

No, I'm okay.

Well, I'm gonna get up for some water

so it's really no trouble.

Okay. Water.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

You have all your video tapes alphabetized and on index cards.

Thank you.

Do you wanna watch something?

No. Not unless you do.

No. That's okay.

[music continues]

- Do you wanna go to sleep? - Okay.

[music continues]

Where are you going?

I gotta go.

Gotta go home, I gotta change my clothes

and then I have to go to work. And so do you.

But after work I'd like to take you out to dinner

if you're free. Are you free?

- Yes. - Fine. I'll call you later.

- Fine. - Fine.

[telephone ringing]

- Yours! - Hello.

- I'm sorry to call so early. - Are you alright?

No one I know would call at this hour.

- I did something terrible. - What did you do?

- No one I know would call.. - It's so awful.

- I need to talk. - What happened?

- What's the matter? - Harry came over last night.

- I went over to Sally's. - I was upset Joe was marrying.

Now, one thing led to another.

And before I knew it we were kissing..

To make a long story short..

- We did it. - They did it!

- That's great, Sally! - We've been praying for it.

You should've done it in the first place.

For months we've been saying you should do it.

You guys belong together.

It's like killing two birds with one stone.

It's like two wrongs make a right.

- How was it? - The during part was good.

- I thought it was good. - But then I felt suffocated.

- But then I guess it wasn't. - Jesus, I'm sorry.

- I had to get out of there. - He just disappeared.

- I feel so bad. - I'm so embarrassed.

- I don't blame you. - That's horrible.

I think I'm coming down with something.

I think I'm catching a cold.

Look, it would have been great if it worked out but it didn't.

Uh, you should never go to bed with anyone when you

find out your last boyfriend is getting married.

- Who's that talking? - Is that Jess on the phone?

- It's Jane Fonda on the VCR. - It's Bryant Gumbel.

[in unison] Do you wanna come over for breakfast?

- No, I'm not up to it. - No, I feel too awful.

- Good. - Good. I-I mean, it's so early.

- But call me later if you want. - I'll call you later, okay.

- Okay. Bye. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- God! - I know.

Tell me I'll never have to be out there again.

You will never have to be out there again.

[thinking] I'll just say we made a mistake.

[thinking] Sally, it was a mistake.

I just hope I get to say it first.

I hope she says it before I do.

It was a mistake.

I am so relieved that you think so too.

I'm not saying last night wasn't great.

- It was! - Yes, it was!

We just never should have done it.

I couldn't agree more.

- I am so relieved! - Great.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

Two mixed green salads.

It is so nice when you can sit with someone

and not have to talk. Hm?

This isn't like most of the time

you go to bed with someone..

...then she tells you all her stories

you tell her all your stories.

But with Sally and me

we'd already heard each other's stories.

So once we went to bed, we didn't know

what we were supposed to do. You know?

Sure, Harry.

I don't know.

Maybe you get to a certain point in a relationship

where it's just too late to have sex. You know?

Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding?

I don't think so.

Is he seeing anyone?

He was seeing this anthropologist, but..

- What does she look like? - Thin, pretty, big tits.

Your basic nightmare.

What do you think?

Oh, Marie..

Tell the truth.

It's just beautiful.

[instrumental music]

We are gathered here today to celebrate

the marriage of Marie and Jess.

'And to consecrate their vows of matrimony.'

'The vows they will take join their lives.'

'The wine they will share'

'binds all their hopes together.'

'And by the rings they will wear'

'they will be known to all as husband and wife.'

[instrumental music]

[Sally] 'I've never seen her so happy.'

'She's a totally different person.'

[Alice] 'Oh, yeah, she is.'

It's great, but what're we gonna do about you?

- Me? - Hon, you wanna dance?

- Oh, yeah! Yeah, I do. - Excuse us.

[chuckling]

- Hi. - Hello.

- Nice ceremony. - Beautiful.

Boy, the holidays are rough!

Every year I just try to get from the day before Thanksgiving

to the day after New Year's.

- A lot of suicides. - Mm.

Would you like a pea pod with shrimp?

- Thank you. - No, thanks.

- How've you been? - Fine.

- Are you seeing anybody? - Harry.

- What? - I don't wanna talk about this.

- Why not? - I don't want to talk about it.

Why can't we get past this?

I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?

- Forever? It just happened! - It happened three weeks ago.

You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?

Yes!

Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?

- Yes. - Who is the dog?

- You are. - I am! I am the dog!

I am the dog! I..

I don't see that, Harry.

If anybody is the dog, you are the dog.

You wanna act like what happened didn't mean anything!

I'm not saying it didn't mean anything.

I'm saying why does it have to mean everything?

Because it does

and you should know that better than anybody

because the minute that it happened

you walked right out the door!

I didn't walk out.

No, sprinted is more like it.

We both agreed it was a mistake.

The worst mistake I ever made!

What do you want from me?

I don't want anything from you!

Fine! Fine. But let's just get one thing straight.

I did not go over there that night to make love to you.

That is not why I went there.

But you looked up at me with these big weepy eyes

"Don't go home tonight, Harry. Hold me a little longer, Harry."

What was I supposed to do?

What are you saying, you took pity on me?

- No! I was-- - Fuck you!

[instrumental music]

Everybody, could I have your attention, please?

I'd like to propose a toast to Harry and Sally.

'To Harry and Sally.'

If Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive

we would not be here today.

[all laughing]

♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Let yourself be light

♪ From now on our troubles

♪ Will be out of sight

♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Make the yuletide gay

♪ From now on our troubles

♪ Will be miles away.. ♪

Hi, it's me, it's the holiday season

and I thought I'd remind you that

this is the season of charity and forgiveness.

'And, although it's not widely known'

'it is also the season of groveling.'

'So, if you felt like calling me back'

'I'd be more than happy to do the traditional'

'Christmas groveling.'

'Give me a call.'

[keys clacking]

[telephone ringing]

[Sally on recorder] 'Hi, I'm not home right now. I'll call you right back.'

[Harry on recorder] 'If you're there, please pick up the phone.'

'I really wanna talk to you.'

The fact that you're not answering

leads me to believe you're either

A, not at home

B, home, but don't wanna talk to me

or C, home, desperately wanna talk to me

'but trapped under something heavy.'

'If it's either A or C, please call me back.'

Obviously she doesn't wanna talk to me.

What do I have to do, be hit over the head?

If she wants to call me, she'll call me.

I'm through makin' a schmuck out of myself.

♪ If you're feeling sad and lonely ♪

♪ There's a service I can render ♪

♪ Tell the one who digs you only ♪

♪ I can be so warm and tender

♪ Call me

♪ Maybe it's late to just call me ♪

♪ Don't be afraid to just phone moi ♪

♪ Call me and I'll be around ♪

Give me a call.

- Hi, Harry. - Hello. Hi! Hi!

I, I didn't know that you would..

That you were there. What're you doing?

I was just on my way out.

'Where you going?'

- What do you want, Harry? - Nothing. Nothing.

I-I just called to say I'm sorry.

Okay.

- I gotta go. - Wait a second.

Wait, wait a second.

What are you doing for New Year's?

Are you going to the Tylers' party?

'Cause I don't have a date.

And if you don't have a date, we always said that

if neither one of us had a date

'we could be together for New Year's'

'and c-could, you know..'

I can't do this anymore. I am not your consolation prize.

Goodbye.

And here we are once again.

The 16th annual "New Year's Rockin' Eve"

coming to you live..

[thinking] What's so bad about this?

You got Dick Clark. That's tradition.

You got Mallomars, the greatest cookie of all time.

And you're about to give the Knicks

their first championship since 1973.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

♪ Missed the Saturday dance

♪ Heard they crowded the floor

♪ Oh I'm lost somewhere without you don't get around.. ♪♪

I don't know why I let you drag me to this.

[thinking] This is much better.

Fresh air, I have the streets all to myself.

Who needs to be at a big, crowded party

pretending to have a good time?

Plus, this is the perfect time to catch up

on my window-shopping.

This is good.

[woman laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

So the guy says, "Read the card."

[laughing]

[laughs] Oh!

Yeah.

- I'm going home. - You'll never get a taxi.

[laughing] Oh, God!

[instrumental music]

[Harry] You realize, of course, that we could never be friends.

[Sally] Why not?

[Harry] What I'm saying is that

men and women can't be friends

because the sex part always gets in the way.

[Sally] That's not true!

[Harry] No man can be friends

with a woman he finds attractive.

He always wants to have sex with her.

[Sally] What if they don't wanna have sex with you?

[Harry] Doesn't matter, because the sex thing

is already out there so the friendship

is ultimately doomed. And that is the end of the story.

[Sally] Well, I guess we're not gonna be friends then.

- Guess not. - That's too bad.

[Sally] 'Cause you were the only person that I knew in New York.

♪ It had to be you

♪ It had to be you

♪ I wandered around

♪ And I finally found

♪ The somebody who

♪ Could make me be true

♪ And could make me be blue..

- I'm going. - It's almost midnight!

The thought of not kissing somebody is just..

I'll kiss you.

Hey, taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

Shit.

- Come on, stay. Please. - Thanks, Jess.

I just.. I have to go.

- Oh, wait two minutes. - I'll call you tomorrow.

♪ Might never be mean

♪ Might never be cross

♪ Or try to be boss

♪ But they wouldn't do

♪ For nobody else

♪ Gave me a thrill

♪ With all your faults

♪ I love you still

♪ It had to be you..

I've been doin' a lot of thinkin'

and the thing is, I love you.

- What? - I love you.

How do you expect me to respond to this?

How about you love me too?

How about I'm leaving?

Doesn't what I said mean anything to you?

I'm sorry, Harry, I know it's New Year's Eve

I know you're feeling lonely

but you just can't show up here

tell me you love me and expect that

to make everything alright.

- It doesn't work this way. - Well, how does it work?

I don't know, but not this way.

Then how about this way?

I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out.

I love that it takes you an hour and a half

to order a sandwich.

I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose

when you're lookin' at me like I'm nuts.

I love that after I spend a day with you

I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.

And I love that you are the last person

I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night.

And it's not because I'm lonely

and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.

I came here tonight because when you realize

you wanna spend the rest of your life with somebody

you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

You see?

That is just like you, Harry.

You say things like that and you make it impossible

for me to hate you!

And I hate you, Harry.

I really hate you.

I hate you.

♪ For auld lang syne

♪ We'll take

♪ A cup of kindness yet

♪ For auld lang syne..

What does this song mean?

My whole life, I don't know what this song means.

I mean, "Should auld acquaintance be forgot"

does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances?

Or does it mean that if we happen to forget them

we should remember them, which is not possible

because we already forgot 'em!

Well, maybe it just means that

we should remember that we forgot them, or something..

[chuckles]

Anyway, it's about old friends.

♪ Be forgot

♪ And days of auld lang syne ♪

[Harry] The first time we met we hated each other.

[Sally] No, you didn't hate me. I hated you.

The second time we met, you didn't even remember me.

[Harry] I did, too! I remembered you.

The third time we met we became friends.

[Sally] We were friends for a long time.

[Harry] And then we weren't.

[Sally] And then we fell in love.

Three months later we got married.

It only took three months.

Twelve years and three months.

We had this, we had a really wonderful wedding.

It was a, it really was a, a beautiful wedding.

We had this enormous, uh, coconut cake.

Huge coconut cake with the, with the tiers

and there was this, there was this very rich

chocolate sauce on the side.

Right, 'cause not everybody likes it

on the cake 'cause it makes it very soggy.

Particularly, the coconut soaks up

a lot it, so it has to be really

it's important to keep it on the side.

Right.

♪ It had to be you

♪ It had to be you

♪ I wandered around and finally found ♪

♪ The somebody who

♪ Could make me be true

♪ Could make me be blue

♪ And even be glad just to be sad ♪

♪ Thinking of you

♪ But you say ee-ther and I say either ♪

♪ You say nee-ther I say neither ♪

♪ Ee-ther either nee-ther neither ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪

♪ You say potato and I say pot-ahto ♪

♪ You say tomato I say tom-ahto ♪

♪ Potato pot-ahto tomato tom-ahto ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪

♪ Oh if we call the whole thing off ♪

♪ Then we must part

♪ And though if we ever part

♪ That would break my heart

♪ You say laughter I say larf-ter ♪

♪ You say after I say arf-ter

♪ Before we know we need each other ♪

♪ So we'd better call call it off ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Let's

♪ Call it off

♪ Oh let's

♪ Call it off

♪ Baby let's

♪ Call it off

♪ Sugar why don't we

♪ Let's

♪ Let's call the whole thing

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

♪ They're writing songs of love but not for me ♪

♪ A lucky star's above but not for me ♪

♪ With love to lead the way

♪ I've found more clouds of gray ♪

♪ Than any Russian play could guarantee ♪

♪ I was a fool to fall and get that way ♪

♪ Hi-ho alas

♪ And also lackaday

♪ Although I can't dismiss

♪ The memory of her kiss

♪ I guess she's not

♪ For

♪ Me

♪ It had to be you

♪ It had to be you

♪ For nobody else gave me a thrill ♪

♪ With all your faults I love you still ♪

♪ It had to be you wonderful you ♪

♪ It had to be you ♪