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1
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,853
He was offensive.
2
00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:32,295
He was obnoxious.
3
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,299
He was disgusting.
4
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:37,165
Do you want me to go on?
5
00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:41,806
Once he wanted me
to approve a contest
6
00:00:41,874 --> 00:00:43,842
where he would
give a new toilet
7
00:00:43,909 --> 00:00:47,436
to the listener with
the largest bowel movement.
8
00:00:48,814 --> 00:00:50,441
On the air.
9
00:00:50,516 --> 00:00:53,917
I mean, you can imagine
the logistics of that.
10
00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:11,767
Howard Stern: You know, when I
look back on this moment in my life,
11
00:01:11,837 --> 00:01:13,805
I really wanted it to work.
12
00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:16,341
I wanted this to be
the biggest moment
13
00:01:16,442 --> 00:01:18,842
in the history of entertainment.
I'm not kidding.
14
00:01:18,911 --> 00:01:21,471
I wanted everyone
to wake up the next morning
15
00:01:21,547 --> 00:01:23,777
talking about me,
Howard Stern.
16
00:01:23,849 --> 00:01:26,443
That's the kind
of thinking, though,
17
00:01:26,519 --> 00:01:29,010
that usually
gets me into trouble.
18
00:01:29,121 --> 00:01:32,454
John Stamos: I'm here to
introduce the next presenter.
19
00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:34,652
Believe me, a lot of people
refused to introduce this guy,
20
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:35,658
but, uh...
21
00:01:35,761 --> 00:01:36,785
Is this safe?
22
00:01:36,862 --> 00:01:39,660
When you drop,
don't spin around
23
00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:40,926
or the wires
get screwed up.
24
00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:45,061
...Radio waves
high above America...
25
00:01:46,872 --> 00:01:48,305
It's a bird...
26
00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:50,205
I'm making such a mistake.
27
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:51,743
It's a plane...
28
00:01:51,811 --> 00:01:55,611
No, it's Fartman!
29
00:01:57,983 --> 00:02:00,611
Howard:
Behold, I am Fartman.
30
00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:03,416
Behold, the greatest.
That is me.
31
00:02:03,489 --> 00:02:06,754
The mightiest
of superheroes.
32
00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:09,522
My ass has power!
33
00:02:09,595 --> 00:02:11,062
Screw Superman.
34
00:02:11,130 --> 00:02:14,361
I am Fartman.
Fartman rules.
35
00:02:14,433 --> 00:02:16,867
Fartman.
36
00:02:16,936 --> 00:02:18,403
Fartman!
37
00:02:24,710 --> 00:02:28,441
And now, in an extraordinary
display of my powers,
38
00:02:28,514 --> 00:02:31,142
I will show you
something so marvelous.
39
00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:32,149
Behold.
40
00:02:39,024 --> 00:02:43,620
The lovely and talented
Fartman, ladies and gentlemen.
41
00:02:52,838 --> 00:02:55,204
Howard: I got to tell you,
with all this carrying on,
42
00:02:55,274 --> 00:02:56,673
I mean, the way
they were screaming,
43
00:02:56,742 --> 00:02:58,607
at first I really thought
I'd won them over.
44
00:02:58,677 --> 00:03:01,441
I thought I was the Beatles
on Ed Sullivan or something.
45
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,004
Oh, shock...
46
00:03:03,115 --> 00:03:05,413
But did my fellow artists
appreciate
47
00:03:05,484 --> 00:03:08,749
the comedically ironic aspect
of my new superhero character?
48
00:03:08,854 --> 00:03:11,652
No. They just thought
I was an idiot.
49
00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:15,091
You know, most of these people
are Satan-worshipping junkies.
50
00:03:18,864 --> 00:03:21,833
Hey, look, all I want
is for my artistic courage
51
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,368
to be an inspiration
to others.
52
00:03:23,435 --> 00:03:24,402
Instead, I'm a joke.
53
00:03:24,503 --> 00:03:27,563
Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt.
54
00:03:30,576 --> 00:03:32,407
Embarrassing.
55
00:03:32,478 --> 00:03:34,708
See, that's when I came
to a profound realization...
56
00:03:34,780 --> 00:03:38,841
Everything I do
is misunderstood.
57
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:39,850
Haah!
58
00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:41,944
Everything I do
is misunderstood.
59
00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:43,989
I mean, think about
what a burden that is.
60
00:03:44,089 --> 00:03:46,387
What a thing
to go through life with.
61
00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:48,289
All I'm trying to do
is be funny,
62
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,557
and I end up
feeling like an asshole.
63
00:03:51,630 --> 00:03:53,962
What a fucking jerk.
64
00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,801
Howard, it was a home run.
65
00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:01,965
You think so?
66
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,441
Absolutely.
And when you said,
67
00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:07,070
"All of Hollywood
can kiss my ass,"
68
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:10,980
you had every teenager in the
country eating out of your hand.
69
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:14,144
My guess is we'll get
coverage from 200, maybe 300...
70
00:04:27,366 --> 00:04:28,799
Howard.
71
00:04:30,035 --> 00:04:32,469
Howard...
here's your ticket.
72
00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:35,473
OK? Now call me as soon as
you get to New York, will you?
73
00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:37,441
Yo, Fartman.
Love you, man.
74
00:04:37,509 --> 00:04:39,101
Thanks.
75
00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:42,306
All right. So getting back
to what I was talking about...
76
00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:46,181
More than anything, I'd like
the public to appreciate me.
77
00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:49,585
No, forget that.
I want them to love me...
78
00:04:49,655 --> 00:04:51,122
Not the myth, but the man.
79
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,987
The real Howard.
80
00:04:53,058 --> 00:04:55,026
Let me demonstrate my point.
81
00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:56,026
Thank you.
82
00:04:56,095 --> 00:04:57,562
Now, take this woman,
for example.
83
00:04:57,663 --> 00:04:59,130
She hates me.
84
00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:01,826
She doesn't even know me,
85
00:05:01,867 --> 00:05:05,268
but it's clear that she's
totally disgusted by me.
86
00:05:05,337 --> 00:05:06,668
Down the aisle
on your right.
87
00:05:06,739 --> 00:05:08,001
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
88
00:05:08,073 --> 00:05:09,404
You don't possibly have
another seat available for me?
89
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,272
I'm sorry.
We're showing a full load.
90
00:05:12,878 --> 00:05:13,867
Right here on your left.
91
00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:15,243
Full load.
92
00:05:15,314 --> 00:05:19,182
Yes.
Sir, may I help you?
93
00:05:19,251 --> 00:05:20,684
To your right.
94
00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:22,686
Hello.
95
00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:23,687
Hello.
96
00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:25,724
Is this yours?
97
00:05:25,824 --> 00:05:28,315
Yeah. If you want
to read it, you can.
98
00:05:28,427 --> 00:05:29,860
Thank you.
99
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:38,963
Pfft, I've seen
this look before,
100
00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:40,699
believe me.
101
00:05:40,773 --> 00:05:43,264
It's the look
of misunderstanding.
102
00:05:43,375 --> 00:05:45,536
She thinks I'm a moron.
103
00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:48,478
In fact, all my life,
people have told me I was a moron.
104
00:05:48,547 --> 00:05:50,281
You're a moron.
Now shut up and sit still.
105
00:05:50,282 --> 00:05:52,015
You're a moron.
Now shut up and sit still.
106
00:05:53,585 --> 00:05:56,554
So this is my dad Ben Stern.
107
00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:59,750
He was an engineer
at a radio station in Manhattan... WHOM.
108
00:05:59,825 --> 00:06:02,589
Why do we live in Roosevelt
when you work in New York?
109
00:06:02,661 --> 00:06:03,719
Shut up.
110
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:07,730
We never played catch
or went to ball games.
111
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,563
The only sport
my father liked was yelling.
112
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:10,567
Nothing but crap.
113
00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:15,932
- Is this one crap?
- Don't be a moron.
114
00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:19,102
# Shut up your mouth,
That is your daddy #
115
00:06:19,178 --> 00:06:20,202
# Oh, no #
116
00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:22,907
# My daddy
can't be ugly so #
117
00:06:22,948 --> 00:06:25,075
# Shut your mouth,
go away #
118
00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:27,516
# Ooh, Mama
look-a boo boo day #
119
00:06:27,586 --> 00:06:28,518
Huh!
120
00:06:28,587 --> 00:06:29,519
# Shut your mouth... #
121
00:06:29,588 --> 00:06:31,112
My father
commuted every day,
122
00:06:31,223 --> 00:06:33,191
I guess it was, about 40 miles
into Manhattan.
123
00:06:33,258 --> 00:06:36,022
He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning,
get home around midnight or something.
124
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:37,027
I mean, I never saw the guy.
125
00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:38,063
Come on. Come on.
126
00:06:38,130 --> 00:06:40,496
Once a year, my old man
would break down
127
00:06:40,632 --> 00:06:41,758
and take me
to work with him.
128
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,062
A little quality time.
129
00:06:43,135 --> 00:06:44,830
I liked that.
A little bonding.
130
00:06:44,903 --> 00:06:46,871
Dad and son together.
131
00:06:46,972 --> 00:06:48,405
I looked forward to that.
132
00:06:49,808 --> 00:06:51,742
Take my hand,
Howard.
133
00:06:51,810 --> 00:06:53,243
And remember, Howard,
134
00:06:53,312 --> 00:06:55,280
I work here,
so keep your mouth shut.
135
00:06:55,347 --> 00:06:56,814
# Never know
how much I love you... #
136
00:06:56,915 --> 00:06:59,247
You spin and you spin
and you spin.
137
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,252
Records...
Who gives a damn?
138
00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:03,253
Daddy.
139
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:04,516
I told you, shut up.
140
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:06,649
That man's
throwing records.
141
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,624
No, nobody gives
a goddamn about it.
142
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:10,525
None of it.
What the fuck is it?
143
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:13,394
Just fucking records!
It's just this fucking place.
144
00:07:13,465 --> 00:07:14,932
None of it means anything.
It's empty...
145
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,230
Sid, you're on
in 15 seconds.
146
00:07:17,302 --> 00:07:18,633
Get a grip on yourself!
147
00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:20,001
Ah, what the hell
do you know, you bastard?
148
00:07:20,105 --> 00:07:21,333
You mieskait!
149
00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:24,240
You're gonna play the music
for the people? It doesn't...
150
00:07:24,309 --> 00:07:25,241
Symphony Sid!
151
00:07:25,310 --> 00:07:27,608
By the powers vested in me
152
00:07:27,679 --> 00:07:29,647
by the Federal
Communications Commission,
153
00:07:29,748 --> 00:07:31,010
I command you
154
00:07:31,116 --> 00:07:34,210
to get on the microphone
in a serious manner
155
00:07:34,286 --> 00:07:36,277
and continue this broadcast.
156
00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:50,030
Deep, Calm Voice: This is
Sunday Blues And Jazz,
157
00:07:50,102 --> 00:07:52,627
and I'm your host
Symphony Sid.
158
00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:56,868
And now... something
for a blue Sunday.
159
00:07:56,942 --> 00:08:00,241
Howard: From that moment on,
I wanted to be on the radio.
160
00:08:00,312 --> 00:08:02,678
Show business
was definitely for me.
161
00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:08,953
And for my 12th birthday, my
mother bought me some puppets,
162
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:12,650
and pretty soon, I was spreading
joy throughout the community.
163
00:08:12,724 --> 00:08:14,783
# Biddi-bim-bom,
ay- yi-yi #
164
00:08:14,893 --> 00:08:15,917
# Biddi-biddi-biddi #
165
00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:17,359
# Biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi #
166
00:08:17,429 --> 00:08:18,794
# Biddi-biddi-biddi... #
167
00:08:18,864 --> 00:08:21,958
Howard, As The Woman:
Oh, baby, I want it. Give it to me.
168
00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:23,557
More. More. Ohh!
169
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:24,636
Howard, As The Man:
You like that, huh?
170
00:08:24,703 --> 00:08:26,967
Oh, yes, I love it, baby.
Give it to me.
171
00:08:27,039 --> 00:08:29,735
Oh, baby, yes!
Right there. Ohh!
172
00:08:29,808 --> 00:08:31,673
Oh, more! Harder!
173
00:08:31,743 --> 00:08:32,767
You want it harder?
174
00:08:32,878 --> 00:08:35,176
Oh, yes, harder.
Please give it to me, please.
175
00:08:35,247 --> 00:08:37,010
Ohh! Aah! Aah!
176
00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:40,517
But why can't I play
with my puppets?
177
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:42,952
Shut up! You know why.
178
00:08:43,021 --> 00:08:44,818
Ah...
179
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,428
You know,
life is very strange.
180
00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:52,293
Nat King Cole:
# Pretend you're happy... #
181
00:08:52,364 --> 00:08:54,264
Just about the time
my puppet career ended,
182
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:57,302
my whole neighborhood
underwent a demographic shift.
183
00:08:57,369 --> 00:08:59,701
My parents said we're moving
because of those niggers.
184
00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:02,467
They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's
going to be nothing but niggers.
185
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:04,338
Really? My parents
said we're moving
186
00:09:04,409 --> 00:09:05,535
because of
all the Shvartzes.
187
00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:07,476
Shvartzes are niggers,
idiot.
188
00:09:07,546 --> 00:09:08,535
They're the same thing.
189
00:09:10,682 --> 00:09:13,150
I don't want to hear any more
of this, you hear me?
190
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:16,119
I'm half negro,
and Howard's half negro.
191
00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:17,848
And anything bad
you say about negroes,
192
00:09:17,923 --> 00:09:19,447
you're saying about us,
you understand?
193
00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:24,689
# And nothing's bad
as it may seem... #
194
00:09:24,763 --> 00:09:27,197
Mom, we're half negro?
195
00:09:31,603 --> 00:09:34,071
I can't believe
the stories he makes up.
196
00:09:34,139 --> 00:09:37,540
I mean, I never made him
wear my underwear to school.
197
00:09:37,609 --> 00:09:40,442
And... And as far as my taking
his rectal temperature
198
00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:42,275
every day till he was 14...
199
00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:44,611
He shouldn't make
such a big deal.
200
00:09:44,683 --> 00:09:47,345
He still grew up to be
a very well-adjusted individual.
201
00:09:47,419 --> 00:09:48,408
Absolutely.
202
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,148
# Papa was
a rolling stone... #
203
00:09:51,256 --> 00:09:53,724
Roosevelt High School...
beautiful.
204
00:09:53,792 --> 00:09:56,386
A fully integrated
educational institution,
205
00:09:56,461 --> 00:09:59,362
which of course meant
6,000 black guys and me.
206
00:09:59,431 --> 00:10:00,864
And then I hit puberty.
207
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,161
That made things worse
208
00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:04,168
because my penis
never got any bigger.
209
00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:05,897
I mean, I was hung
like a 3- year-old.
210
00:10:05,971 --> 00:10:09,907
Hey, seriously, these guys had
rhinoceros penises... huge.
211
00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:12,637
You know, I've heard
black men complain
212
00:10:12,711 --> 00:10:14,042
that they're
unfairly stereotyped.
213
00:10:14,112 --> 00:10:17,570
Man, I'd love to have
a stereotype like that.
214
00:10:17,683 --> 00:10:20,618
Now, because I had
such a minuscule schlonger,
215
00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:21,983
I turned to drugs.
216
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:25,490
Unfortunately, the drugs
really made me paranoid.
217
00:10:30,529 --> 00:10:33,930
Howard's Mother: Howard, I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?
218
00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:35,728
There's no smoke
in here.
219
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,793
Howard, your father wants to
see you downstairs.
220
00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:45,805
Howard.
221
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:51,041
Howard, you're graduating
from high school this year.
222
00:10:51,116 --> 00:10:53,346
You should be making some kind
of plan for your future.
223
00:10:53,418 --> 00:10:54,385
You need a plan.
224
00:10:54,486 --> 00:10:57,011
I want to be on the radio.
225
00:10:57,122 --> 00:10:59,056
He wants to be on radio.
226
00:10:59,124 --> 00:11:01,285
But to be on the radio,
you have to have a voice.
227
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,021
You have to have
some verbal ability.
228
00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:05,120
You hardly ever say a word.
229
00:11:05,230 --> 00:11:09,098
This all from a guy who's only told me
to shut up about 50,000 times.
230
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:10,566
I talk.
231
00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:14,470
You really want to be
on the radio?
232
00:11:16,241 --> 00:11:19,574
OK. If you want
a shot at radio,
233
00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:23,103
the counseling center says
there's a communications program
234
00:11:23,215 --> 00:11:24,409
at Boston University.
235
00:11:34,426 --> 00:11:36,826
OK, I know
what you're saying.
236
00:11:36,895 --> 00:11:39,625
You're saying I look
a little old to be in college.
237
00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:42,724
Well, for this movie,
you gotta suspend disbelief.
238
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,631
Hey, Lisa.
239
00:11:44,703 --> 00:11:47,103
Lisa.
Hi, how you doing?
240
00:11:47,172 --> 00:11:48,366
Hi.
241
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,068
I was wondering if you'd
like to go out Friday night.
242
00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:52,269
With you?
243
00:11:52,377 --> 00:11:54,004
No, thanks.
244
00:11:56,114 --> 00:11:59,015
Hi. I was just
wondering if you...
245
00:11:59,084 --> 00:12:00,517
Uh, no.
246
00:12:05,590 --> 00:12:07,990
- Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
247
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,027
Excuse me.
248
00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:11,027
Would you like to
go out Friday night?
249
00:12:11,096 --> 00:12:12,529
Friday?
250
00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:20,899
No. I have a lot of reading
to catch up on,
251
00:12:20,972 --> 00:12:23,406
but thank you.
252
00:12:23,475 --> 00:12:26,911
So I masturbated a lot...
2-time-a-day habit.
253
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:28,980
I'm not proud of it,
but I did it.
254
00:12:29,047 --> 00:12:30,878
Senior year...
Big year for me.
255
00:12:30,949 --> 00:12:31,973
I finally
got up the courage
256
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:33,642
to go down
to the college radio station
257
00:12:33,752 --> 00:12:34,912
and get myself on the air.
258
00:12:34,986 --> 00:12:36,920
And my name
is Howard Stern
259
00:12:36,988 --> 00:12:39,013
on the Howard Stern
Experience,
260
00:12:39,124 --> 00:12:43,561
and if you love music,
you'll love Deep Purple on TBU.
261
00:12:57,542 --> 00:12:58,474
Ohh!
262
00:12:58,543 --> 00:13:00,067
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
263
00:13:00,178 --> 00:13:01,406
Ooh!
264
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,415
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
265
00:13:08,153 --> 00:13:09,177
How do I forget it?
266
00:13:09,287 --> 00:13:10,652
It's the single worst moment
in radio history.
267
00:13:10,722 --> 00:13:11,950
It's not radio.
268
00:13:12,023 --> 00:13:13,991
It's college radio.
269
00:13:14,092 --> 00:13:15,286
There's
nobody listening.
270
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,794
Nobody. Maybe, like,
3 guys in a dorm somewhere.
271
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,524
Oh, shit.
272
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:20,622
Oh, fuck.
273
00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:22,597
I know someone on this block.
Let me think.
274
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:25,504
Come on.
We're getting wet.
275
00:13:25,637 --> 00:13:26,535
Down here. Down here.
Down here.
276
00:13:27,272 --> 00:13:28,239
Hi, Elyse.
277
00:13:28,306 --> 00:13:29,603
Hey.
278
00:13:29,674 --> 00:13:31,904
So, we were on our way to a rally
in support of feminism,
279
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:33,501
and we got caught
in the rain.
280
00:13:33,578 --> 00:13:35,842
I'm wondering if we can come in
and just hang out for awhile.
281
00:13:35,914 --> 00:13:37,711
Sure,
come on in.
282
00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,876
Howard: Can I use
your hair dryer?
283
00:13:39,951 --> 00:13:43,580
Yeah, there's one at the end
of the hall. Hey, Rach.
284
00:13:43,655 --> 00:13:44,815
Hi, Ellen.
This is Howard.
285
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:46,380
Oh, hi.
My hair's wet.
286
00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:47,390
Put that there.
287
00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:49,154
I'm just going to go
dry my hair.
288
00:13:49,227 --> 00:13:51,218
Hey, I heard you
on the radio today.
289
00:13:51,296 --> 00:13:52,388
You heard that?
290
00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:53,829
Yeah. What happened?
291
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:55,924
I didn't think anybody
even listened to that.
292
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:57,559
Alison, this is Howard.
Howard, this is Alison.
293
00:13:57,636 --> 00:13:58,568
Alison's
one of my roommates.
294
00:13:58,637 --> 00:13:59,569
Hey.
295
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:09,679
Howard.
296
00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:10,680
Howard.
297
00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:13,309
Hair dryer's
in the bathroom.
298
00:14:16,555 --> 00:14:18,614
Hi. Hi.
299
00:14:19,691 --> 00:14:20,953
Hi, I'm Howard.
300
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,254
Look at you, man.
301
00:14:22,327 --> 00:14:24,022
You can get her.
You can get her.
302
00:14:24,095 --> 00:14:25,494
She looks hot.
303
00:14:27,532 --> 00:14:28,965
How are you?
304
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,831
I'm making a film
for my film class,
305
00:14:30,902 --> 00:14:32,301
and, I mean,
it's a legitimate film.
306
00:14:32,370 --> 00:14:34,304
You won't... You're not gonna
be naked or anything.
307
00:14:34,372 --> 00:14:35,566
You'll have your clothes on,
you know.
308
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:36,868
What's it about?
309
00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,637
Well, I'm glad
you asked me that.
310
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:43,010
In my, um, psychology class,
we're studying B.F. Skinner,
311
00:14:43,081 --> 00:14:47,518
and I started to realize that
what Skinner says is true...
312
00:14:47,586 --> 00:14:49,679
We're all rats
trapped in a box,
313
00:14:49,754 --> 00:14:51,221
all searching
for a piece of cheese.
314
00:14:51,289 --> 00:14:53,052
Mm-hmm.
315
00:14:53,124 --> 00:14:54,557
And I'm going to shoot it
on Saturday.
316
00:14:54,626 --> 00:14:57,618
I mean, I can't do it
Saturday.
317
00:14:57,696 --> 00:15:00,859
I work with an outpatient program
for schizophrenics.
318
00:15:00,932 --> 00:15:02,399
One of them actually
killed himself,
319
00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:03,798
so I'm taking
the whole group to...
320
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:05,996
to the funeral
on Saturday, but...
321
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,470
Sorry.
322
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:10,201
You are really perfect.
323
00:15:10,275 --> 00:15:13,870
L... All right.
What if I reschedule?
324
00:15:15,046 --> 00:15:18,072
Beautiful. Beautiful.
I don't believe it.
325
00:15:18,149 --> 00:15:19,980
Howard: Look, I refused
to leave the room
326
00:15:20,051 --> 00:15:21,416
until she agreed
to be in my film.
327
00:15:21,486 --> 00:15:22,817
I feel stupid.
328
00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:25,186
Seriously, she was the most
enchanting woman I'd ever met.
329
00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:27,418
I'm telling you, I am looking
for the face of an angel.
330
00:15:27,492 --> 00:15:28,424
You have
the face of an angel.
331
00:15:30,395 --> 00:15:32,693
Howard's Voice: Save me.
332
00:15:35,033 --> 00:15:38,025
Save me.
333
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:40,230
He comes to me.
334
00:15:40,305 --> 00:15:43,035
He comes to me.
335
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,975
Ahh...
336
00:15:46,044 --> 00:15:48,035
Save me.
337
00:15:54,452 --> 00:15:57,216
We give the award
for best student film
338
00:15:57,289 --> 00:16:00,452
to... Mr. Howard Stern.
339
00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:07,928
I'll tell you,
nothing makes a woman hotter
340
00:16:07,999 --> 00:16:09,762
than to be with
an award- winning filmmaker.
341
00:16:09,834 --> 00:16:10,858
This I know.
342
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:12,699
And at this point,
I knew I was gonna score.
343
00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:14,136
I mean,
it was fait accompli.
344
00:16:14,205 --> 00:16:16,036
I was in. This was it.
345
00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:19,099
I'm a stud.
She was liquefied.
346
00:16:19,177 --> 00:16:20,974
We did not have sex
on our first date,
347
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:23,378
although
he was very sexual.
348
00:16:23,448 --> 00:16:25,678
Our sex life
has always been good.
349
00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:28,981
I mean, Howard complains
that his penis is too small,
350
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,545
but his penis size is fine.
351
00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:33,557
Howard exaggerates.
352
00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:37,861
- OK.
- Now hold this and say...
353
00:16:37,929 --> 00:16:39,362
Hi.
Hi, I'm Camille,
354
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:42,025
and, uh, I'm in Westchester,
New York, and...
355
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:43,761
This is Howard's
first job interview.
356
00:16:43,835 --> 00:16:46,201
And this is Howard's
first job interview.
357
00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:48,762
Well, he's going to his first
job interview in New York.
358
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:49,772
- All right...
359
00:16:49,841 --> 00:16:50,773
- One more thing.
- Yes?
360
00:16:50,842 --> 00:16:51,774
Can you
take your top off?
361
00:16:51,843 --> 00:16:53,140
- No.
- No, I'm serious.
362
00:16:53,211 --> 00:16:54,906
I'm serious. That's what
they want you to do.
363
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:56,709
- No, they do not.
- Yeah, they do.
364
00:16:56,781 --> 00:16:57,748
- No way.
- No, they do.
365
00:16:57,816 --> 00:16:59,010
Howard did not
tell me...
366
00:17:10,428 --> 00:17:12,362
I'm Moti,
station manager.
367
00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:14,762
- Howard Stern.
- You want to be a disc jockey?
368
00:17:14,833 --> 00:17:16,664
Very much so.
I've wanted to be a disc jockey
369
00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:17,667
since I was
7 years old.
370
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,499
What are you,
an idiot?
371
00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:21,801
No, sir,
I'm not an idiot.
372
00:17:21,873 --> 00:17:24,933
L... In fact, I have a communications
degree from Boston University,
373
00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:26,705
and I would work very hard
for this company
374
00:17:26,778 --> 00:17:27,710
if given
the opportunity to...
375
00:17:27,779 --> 00:17:28,711
You wanted
to see me?
376
00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:30,441
You came late yesterday.
377
00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:32,779
You came late today.
I don't need you. You're fired.
378
00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:34,580
Fuck you.
379
00:17:34,653 --> 00:17:35,779
Good. Fuck you.
380
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:38,118
You punk!
Fuck you 1,000%% %!
381
00:17:38,189 --> 00:17:39,451
Fuck you
till your asshole
382
00:17:39,524 --> 00:17:41,151
is perfect
donkey asshole!
383
00:17:42,927 --> 00:17:44,952
OK,
you start tomorrow.
384
00:17:45,030 --> 00:17:47,863
10 a.m. To 2 p. M, eh?
385
00:17:47,932 --> 00:17:49,092
Yes.
386
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:51,135
Pay $96 a week and don't
bring me your problems.
387
00:17:51,202 --> 00:17:52,134
OK.
388
00:17:52,203 --> 00:17:53,397
I'm not psychiatrist.
389
00:17:53,471 --> 00:17:55,462
Thank you very much.
390
00:17:55,540 --> 00:17:58,031
I promise you
I will not disappoint you.
391
00:17:58,109 --> 00:17:59,736
Thank you.
392
00:17:59,811 --> 00:18:01,244
And I start
tomorrow?
393
00:18:01,312 --> 00:18:05,009
Wimpy Voice: Westchester 107,
WRNW 107.
394
00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:08,917
Hi, this is Howard Stern,
and it's 75 degrees presently,
395
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:10,818
winds out of the northwest.
396
00:18:10,889 --> 00:18:14,552
Chance of precipitation,
85%% % for tonight.
397
00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:16,093
Looks like rain.
398
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:20,757
Tomorrow, partly sunny
at WRNW, Westchester 107.
399
00:18:23,735 --> 00:18:26,533
I was sort of living
with Alison
400
00:18:26,604 --> 00:18:30,131
while she worked on her Master's
of social work, which was really great.
401
00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:32,108
I was also still living
with my parents...
402
00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:33,109
Howard's Mother:
Howard?
403
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:34,110
Which wasn't so great.
404
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,510
Yeah. Yeah, ma?
405
00:18:35,580 --> 00:18:38,014
I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?
406
00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:40,950
No, Ma.
There's no smoke in here.
407
00:18:41,019 --> 00:18:43,817
Wimpy Voice:
107 FM, WRNW.
408
00:18:43,888 --> 00:18:46,083
I'm Howard Stern
with you each and every day,
409
00:18:46,157 --> 00:18:48,387
and I've got a great
two for Tuesday.
410
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:52,362
107 FM... The Ramones...
Gabba gabba wee,
411
00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:53,397
Gabba gabba hey,
412
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,933
Gabba gabba gabba gabba...
413
00:19:06,778 --> 00:19:08,268
Howard, you stink.
414
00:19:08,346 --> 00:19:11,338
I don't mince words.
You will never be a great disc jockey.
415
00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:14,442
You have lousy voice, lousy personality,
and this will not change.
416
00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:17,249
OK? So on the air
is not for you.
417
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:21,452
But you come on time,
and you are good worker, huh?
418
00:19:21,526 --> 00:19:23,050
So...
419
00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:25,961
how about I make you...
420
00:19:26,030 --> 00:19:27,156
program director?
421
00:19:30,535 --> 00:19:31,968
Program director?
422
00:19:32,036 --> 00:19:34,334
Program... director.
423
00:19:34,405 --> 00:19:36,498
You. You.
424
00:19:36,574 --> 00:19:38,906
You run station.
425
00:19:38,977 --> 00:19:40,410
You... sit.
426
00:19:40,478 --> 00:19:42,343
You pick music.
427
00:19:42,413 --> 00:19:44,404
No more $96 a week.
428
00:19:44,482 --> 00:19:46,245
Eh. I pay you...
429
00:19:46,317 --> 00:19:47,807
you, eh?
430
00:19:47,886 --> 00:19:51,014
$250 a week.
431
00:19:52,857 --> 00:19:55,894
You be management...
like me.
432
00:19:56,027 --> 00:19:58,928
To be quite honest, I didn't really
want to be a programmer.
433
00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:01,465
But at $250 a week,
I could marry Alison,
434
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,125
and we'd get
a real place together.
435
00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:06,227
Oh, look at her.
I mean, this was a miracle.
436
00:20:06,304 --> 00:20:08,431
Here's this beautiful girl,
437
00:20:08,506 --> 00:20:09,734
I mean, a gorgeous woman,
438
00:20:09,808 --> 00:20:11,207
willing to spend
the rest of her life with me.
439
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,938
I just couldn't
have been happier.
440
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:17,675
I was the happiest
program director in the world.
441
00:20:17,749 --> 00:20:19,614
Yeah, me.
Program director.
442
00:20:19,684 --> 00:20:21,481
Overnight,
I become the big boss.
443
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,851
Howard Stern,
executive manager.
444
00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:25,981
I had no idea
what I was doing,
445
00:20:26,057 --> 00:20:28,423
no clue what to do
with this job whatsoever,
446
00:20:28,493 --> 00:20:30,961
but I did it, and everyone
bought into it.
447
00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:33,623
They thought I knew what I was doing.
This was great.
448
00:20:33,698 --> 00:20:34,630
Howard.
449
00:20:34,699 --> 00:20:35,666
Oh, hey, Moti.
450
00:20:35,733 --> 00:20:38,201
Advertising is up.
Profit is up.
451
00:20:38,269 --> 00:20:39,497
Oh, great.
452
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:42,199
As a disc jockey, you're...
you're shit... ha ha ha ha...
453
00:20:42,273 --> 00:20:44,741
But you are a great programmer.
Here, payday.
454
00:20:44,809 --> 00:20:45,776
Thanks, Moti.
455
00:20:45,810 --> 00:20:49,678
Listen, I want you
to fire Dickie Davis.
456
00:20:49,747 --> 00:20:50,679
But why?
457
00:20:50,748 --> 00:20:52,272
None of your business.
458
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:53,510
The guy's got 3 kids.
459
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:56,110
You want to be management,
you fire him, huh?
460
00:20:56,187 --> 00:20:58,246
It's good to fire someone. It gives
a good message to the others.
461
00:20:58,323 --> 00:20:59,756
Just fire him, huh?
462
00:20:59,824 --> 00:21:02,418
I don't want to fire him.
You fire him.
463
00:21:02,493 --> 00:21:03,425
Howard...
464
00:21:03,494 --> 00:21:05,519
disc jockeys are dogs.
465
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,827
Your job is to make them
fetch, eh?
466
00:21:07,932 --> 00:21:09,695
Now, if you want
to truly be management,
467
00:21:09,767 --> 00:21:11,428
you be a man
and fire him.
468
00:21:11,502 --> 00:21:14,130
Do it. Be a man.
469
00:21:22,647 --> 00:21:25,582
Moti: Tell Dickie Davis
Howard wants to see him now.
470
00:21:35,493 --> 00:21:37,358
How? Howard?
471
00:21:37,428 --> 00:21:38,360
Don't look.
472
00:21:38,429 --> 00:21:39,589
You OK?
473
00:21:41,866 --> 00:21:44,562
Let me ask you something.
Would you still love me...
474
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,228
if I gave up
my programming job,
475
00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:48,602
and I stayed on the air,
and I made a lot less money?
476
00:21:48,673 --> 00:21:51,801
Yes. I mean, you know,
I'd have to leave you,
477
00:21:51,876 --> 00:21:54,538
but I'd still love you.
478
00:21:54,612 --> 00:21:56,170
Be serious.
479
00:21:56,247 --> 00:21:59,944
If I make less money, we wouldn't
even be able to afford this apartment.
480
00:22:00,018 --> 00:22:02,543
Well, we can't really
afford the apartment now,
481
00:22:02,620 --> 00:22:04,451
so it doesn't quite matter,
really.
482
00:22:04,522 --> 00:22:06,046
I guess.
483
00:22:08,259 --> 00:22:11,194
Do what you need to do.
484
00:22:12,530 --> 00:22:14,725
Come on back here,
hold this sign...
485
00:22:14,799 --> 00:22:16,790
right in front of you.
Come on back.
486
00:22:16,868 --> 00:22:19,234
I want you to say
"Howard goes to Hartford
487
00:22:19,304 --> 00:22:22,205
and becomes the wacky
morning man at WCCC."
488
00:22:22,273 --> 00:22:24,969
Howard goes to Hartford at CCC.
489
00:22:25,043 --> 00:22:28,410
"Howard goes to Hartford and becomes
the wacky morning man at WCCC."
490
00:22:28,479 --> 00:22:30,913
Howard goes to Hartford
at W...
491
00:22:31,015 --> 00:22:33,108
All right, all right,
that's not going to work.
492
00:22:33,184 --> 00:22:36,119
Howard comes to Hartford
to become the wacky morning man
493
00:22:36,187 --> 00:22:37,518
at WCCC.
494
00:22:37,588 --> 00:22:39,453
Gary: Let's see
some muscles.
495
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:42,550
Gary: How about
some back muscles?
496
00:22:42,627 --> 00:22:45,061
Was my voice too deep
doing that?
497
00:22:45,129 --> 00:22:46,061
No. It's very feminine.
498
00:22:55,873 --> 00:22:59,934
WCCC, FM 107 and AM 1290.
499
00:23:00,044 --> 00:23:02,103
My name is Fred Norris,
and, uh...
500
00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:04,341
stick around for
the new guy Howard Stern
501
00:23:04,415 --> 00:23:06,349
And the Howard Stern
program.
502
00:23:08,219 --> 00:23:09,311
Hi.
503
00:23:09,387 --> 00:23:12,185
Oh. Oh, my God.
504
00:23:12,256 --> 00:23:14,486
Oh, it's so...
505
00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:15,685
Hi,
I'm Howard Stern.
506
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:17,421
How you doing?
You're Fred.
507
00:23:17,495 --> 00:23:19,463
I can't believe
how late I am.
508
00:23:19,530 --> 00:23:20,827
Who would've thought?
509
00:23:20,898 --> 00:23:23,423
I'm on the Berlin turnpike,
and I take a left-hand turn,
510
00:23:23,501 --> 00:23:26,732
and I've rehearsed this 500 times,
getting here, and I somehow got lost.
511
00:23:26,804 --> 00:23:27,771
Ohh.
512
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,507
I'm sweating.
513
00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:33,100
I'm so hot.
514
00:23:33,177 --> 00:23:34,474
I'm so tahitzed.
515
00:23:34,545 --> 00:23:36,570
I'm hot.
516
00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:41,518
I was planning
on being on time.
517
00:23:44,455 --> 00:23:45,888
Whoo, man.
518
00:23:45,957 --> 00:23:48,687
Whoo-oo-oo...
519
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:53,220
107 FM, AM 1290, WCCC.
Good morning.
520
00:23:53,297 --> 00:23:55,925
My name is Howard Stern.
I'm the new morning man on CCC.
521
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,594
Sitting with me,
uh, Mr. Ringo...
522
00:23:58,669 --> 00:24:02,366
Mr. Ringo Starr,
and he's here in the studio.
523
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,407
Hi, Ringo.
524
00:24:03,474 --> 00:24:04,964
How you doin', me love?
525
00:24:05,043 --> 00:24:06,908
I wish you'd play us a little
Wipeout this morning,
526
00:24:06,978 --> 00:24:08,104
Wake everybody up.
527
00:24:12,950 --> 00:24:15,111
Oh, yeah,
that was great, Ringo.
528
00:24:15,186 --> 00:24:17,381
CCC, AM 1290, FM 107.
529
00:24:17,455 --> 00:24:18,888
This is Cheap Trick.
530
00:24:22,393 --> 00:24:24,088
Ohh. Thank you.
531
00:24:24,162 --> 00:24:26,323
Whoa.
532
00:24:26,397 --> 00:24:28,627
Howard: Hartford ended up
being OK, you know.
533
00:24:28,699 --> 00:24:30,223
I mean, Fred seemed
to really like me.
534
00:24:30,301 --> 00:24:31,791
I mean, I think
he really liked me.
535
00:24:31,869 --> 00:24:33,564
The guy's like wallpaper.
Who can get a read on him?
536
00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:35,367
And Alison, well,
she got a job right away.
537
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:38,375
Now, if you wanted
to buy liver for dinner,
538
00:24:38,443 --> 00:24:39,876
what would you do?
539
00:24:39,944 --> 00:24:42,037
Go to the...
supermarket?
540
00:24:42,146 --> 00:24:44,637
That's right.
And then what?
541
00:24:44,715 --> 00:24:46,444
This afternoon...
Gray skies,
542
00:24:46,517 --> 00:24:49,452
occasional showers,
and precipitation.
543
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,511
Highs near 75.
544
00:24:51,589 --> 00:24:53,784
It's going to be
raining like cats...
545
00:24:55,626 --> 00:24:57,560
And chickens,
I don't think so.
546
00:24:58,763 --> 00:25:00,025
And dogs.
547
00:25:00,098 --> 00:25:01,725
WCCC also wants
to remind you
548
00:25:01,799 --> 00:25:03,562
that our new sponsor
Stanley Sport,
549
00:25:03,634 --> 00:25:06,694
um, is a great place
to go.
550
00:25:06,771 --> 00:25:08,705
You know, I got to tell you something.
When I was a child,
551
00:25:08,773 --> 00:25:10,866
I used to go to Stanley Sport
all the time.
552
00:25:10,942 --> 00:25:12,432
I loved Stanley Sport.
553
00:25:12,510 --> 00:25:15,070
My parents would take me through there,
and we just had a great time.
554
00:25:15,179 --> 00:25:16,737
And we could walk out
with tons of stuff
555
00:25:16,814 --> 00:25:19,009
even though my parents
didn't make a lot of money.
556
00:25:19,083 --> 00:25:20,675
Oh.
557
00:25:20,751 --> 00:25:23,379
And, uh, "There's only
one Stanley Sports,
558
00:25:23,454 --> 00:25:25,752
"and the grand opening
is this weekend.
559
00:25:25,823 --> 00:25:27,916
Mark it on your calendar."
560
00:25:29,427 --> 00:25:31,054
The grand opening
is this...
561
00:25:31,129 --> 00:25:34,098
I just realized, uh... that makes
no sense what I just said.
562
00:25:34,165 --> 00:25:36,497
I just told you I went there as a kid,
and now the grand opening...
563
00:25:36,567 --> 00:25:40,094
Well, I just...
I think I was just caught in a lie.
564
00:25:40,204 --> 00:25:42,536
Oh, boy. You know
what the truth is?
565
00:25:42,607 --> 00:25:45,201
I'm a disc jockey
who makes $250 a week,
566
00:25:45,276 --> 00:25:47,437
and I just want to do
the right thing here on the air.
567
00:25:47,512 --> 00:25:50,481
I don't want to get fired,
so, uh, I guess I lied to you,
568
00:25:50,548 --> 00:25:53,676
but, uh, I'll never let that
happen again. You know what I mean?
569
00:25:53,751 --> 00:25:55,343
Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.
570
00:25:57,355 --> 00:25:59,516
Seriously, I heard
the show today.
571
00:25:59,590 --> 00:26:01,251
I think you're
really getting good.
572
00:26:01,325 --> 00:26:02,792
What part did you
like in particular?
573
00:26:02,860 --> 00:26:05,658
Was it the Chinese guy calling in
for the Doobie Brothers tickets?
574
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:09,325
You know when you did that ad,
when you were just being yourself?
575
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:10,731
That's what
you liked?
576
00:26:10,801 --> 00:26:12,428
Yeah.
577
00:26:12,503 --> 00:26:13,902
Really?
578
00:26:13,971 --> 00:26:15,802
It was funny.
579
00:26:15,940 --> 00:26:19,501
# Gonna use my arms,
gonna use my legs... #
580
00:26:19,577 --> 00:26:20,839
Howard: Little by little,
581
00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:22,140
our ratings
actually improved,
582
00:26:22,246 --> 00:26:24,146
and before long,
I got to interview
583
00:26:24,248 --> 00:26:25,647
my first real
semifamous celebrity,
584
00:26:25,716 --> 00:26:27,980
"B" movie star
Brittany Fairchild.
585
00:26:28,052 --> 00:26:29,314
While I'm
interviewing her,
586
00:26:29,387 --> 00:26:30,649
she actually invites me
587
00:26:30,721 --> 00:26:32,689
to go to a premiere
for her movie.
588
00:26:32,757 --> 00:26:34,224
I remember
how embarrassing it was
589
00:26:34,292 --> 00:26:35,987
because nobody
knew who I was.
590
00:26:36,060 --> 00:26:37,254
I'm escorting
this woman around,
591
00:26:37,328 --> 00:26:39,091
and none of these people
know who I am.
592
00:26:39,163 --> 00:26:41,757
They just think she has
some ugly boyfriend, you know?
593
00:26:41,832 --> 00:26:44,164
But who cared?
I mean, it was exciting.
594
00:26:58,883 --> 00:27:01,647
Woman In Movie: Hello?
595
00:27:07,658 --> 00:27:09,319
I'm here for the shoot.
596
00:27:14,131 --> 00:27:15,359
Is anybody there?
597
00:27:20,705 --> 00:27:22,639
Hello?
598
00:27:24,642 --> 00:27:26,473
Howard: Ohh.
599
00:27:28,412 --> 00:27:30,607
My back hurts.
600
00:27:30,681 --> 00:27:33,946
Would you mind taking me
back to my hotel room?
601
00:27:35,353 --> 00:27:36,820
I know this director,
602
00:27:36,887 --> 00:27:38,616
and he told me that
when he was little,
603
00:27:38,689 --> 00:27:40,623
his mother
killed his sister,
604
00:27:40,691 --> 00:27:42,420
but was never charged.
605
00:27:42,493 --> 00:27:43,425
Wow.
606
00:27:43,494 --> 00:27:45,553
Come in.
607
00:27:46,697 --> 00:27:49,131
Come in.
608
00:27:53,571 --> 00:27:55,300
- It's nice.
- Sit down.
609
00:27:58,042 --> 00:28:00,135
I'll be right back.
610
00:28:00,211 --> 00:28:01,269
OK.
611
00:28:07,918 --> 00:28:09,317
Hey, man.
612
00:28:09,387 --> 00:28:11,617
Free drinks.
613
00:28:13,291 --> 00:28:15,020
Ahem.
614
00:28:20,231 --> 00:28:22,165
What the hell
is she doing?
615
00:28:24,368 --> 00:28:26,302
I think she's
running a bath.
616
00:28:33,644 --> 00:28:36,841
Oh, my God, man,
she's taking her clothes off.
617
00:28:36,914 --> 00:28:39,109
I guess she forgot
to close the door.
618
00:28:39,183 --> 00:28:40,548
Well, she's
a Hollywood actress.
619
00:28:40,618 --> 00:28:41,983
They have a lot
on their mind.
620
00:28:43,187 --> 00:28:45,781
Oh, my God.
621
00:28:48,926 --> 00:28:50,655
Oh, is she cute.
622
00:28:51,896 --> 00:28:52,885
Brittany: Howard?
623
00:28:52,963 --> 00:28:53,952
Yes?
624
00:28:54,031 --> 00:28:55,931
Could you come here
for a second?
625
00:29:10,781 --> 00:29:12,078
Oh. Hi.
626
00:29:12,149 --> 00:29:14,777
My shoulders tense up
when I travel.
627
00:29:14,852 --> 00:29:16,615
Would you mind
rubbing them for a minute?
628
00:29:16,687 --> 00:29:18,484
Works best when
I'm in a hot bath.
629
00:29:18,556 --> 00:29:20,353
It helps
relax the muscles.
630
00:29:20,424 --> 00:29:23,791
I don't know
if that's OK or not.
631
00:29:23,861 --> 00:29:27,126
Please.
It really hurts.
632
00:29:29,166 --> 00:29:31,464
Look, I don't know
that I can do this.
633
00:29:31,535 --> 00:29:33,162
I'll tell you what,
I'll just kneel over here,
634
00:29:33,237 --> 00:29:35,137
and I'll rub your shoulders
from back here.
635
00:29:35,206 --> 00:29:37,766
No. Sit behind me
in the tub.
636
00:29:37,842 --> 00:29:39,139
Oh, I can't do that.
637
00:29:39,210 --> 00:29:40,973
Why not?
638
00:29:41,045 --> 00:29:43,843
Well, for one thing,
my clothes are gonna get all wet.
639
00:29:43,914 --> 00:29:47,611
Well, then I guess
you better take them off.
640
00:29:47,685 --> 00:29:50,620
I got to tell you something.
You are gorgeous,
641
00:29:50,688 --> 00:29:52,212
And... And you're a great actress
and everything,
642
00:29:52,289 --> 00:29:54,757
but I got a wife at home.
I can't cheat on my wife.
643
00:29:54,825 --> 00:29:56,986
Then leave
your underwear on.
644
00:29:57,061 --> 00:29:59,052
What?
645
00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:02,395
If you leave your underwear on,
then you can't cheat.
646
00:30:02,466 --> 00:30:04,127
It's just like
going swimming.
647
00:30:04,201 --> 00:30:05,634
Howard: I don't know
what it was,
648
00:30:05,703 --> 00:30:08,263
but she started
making a lot of sense.
649
00:30:08,339 --> 00:30:09,601
I really
need your help.
650
00:30:09,673 --> 00:30:12,437
My back
really hurts.
651
00:30:12,510 --> 00:30:14,569
Fred: She's right.
652
00:30:17,014 --> 00:30:19,278
Could you start
with my shoulders?
653
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,278
Ahh...
654
00:30:24,355 --> 00:30:25,652
yeah.
655
00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:28,083
Mmm.
656
00:30:28,159 --> 00:30:31,026
Can you come around
my sides?
657
00:30:31,095 --> 00:30:33,427
I think I pulled a muscle
in my rib cage.
658
00:30:35,599 --> 00:30:38,033
Mmm.
659
00:30:39,236 --> 00:30:41,431
Howard...
660
00:30:46,744 --> 00:30:48,905
I know how to give
a man pleasure.
661
00:30:50,181 --> 00:30:51,580
Mmm.
662
00:30:52,983 --> 00:30:54,473
Ooh. Oh.
663
00:30:54,552 --> 00:30:56,281
Pleasure.
664
00:30:58,422 --> 00:31:00,447
Oh. Oh, wow.
665
00:31:00,524 --> 00:31:02,856
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
666
00:31:02,927 --> 00:31:04,394
Stop that. Stop.
667
00:31:04,462 --> 00:31:05,952
Oh, whoa.
668
00:31:06,030 --> 00:31:06,997
Oh, man.
669
00:31:07,064 --> 00:31:09,157
Wow. Thank you.
Oh, my.
670
00:31:09,233 --> 00:31:11,064
Thanks. Thanks...
Thanks for everything.
671
00:31:11,135 --> 00:31:12,397
Listen, the premiere
and everything.
672
00:31:12,470 --> 00:31:13,630
Oh, my God.
673
00:31:13,704 --> 00:31:15,729
I just...
I just got to go.
674
00:31:15,806 --> 00:31:17,967
You know, it was a great
interview on the radio.
675
00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:19,703
Thanks... Thanks...
Thank you.
676
00:31:19,777 --> 00:31:21,005
I really got to go.
677
00:31:21,078 --> 00:31:22,477
Good-bye!
678
00:31:23,647 --> 00:31:24,636
# I'll take you there #
679
00:31:24,715 --> 00:31:26,683
# Oh, oh #
680
00:31:26,750 --> 00:31:27,876
# Oh! #
681
00:31:27,952 --> 00:31:29,977
# I'll take you there #
682
00:31:31,689 --> 00:31:33,088
# Oh! Oh! Oh! #
683
00:31:33,157 --> 00:31:34,749
# I'll take you there #
684
00:31:36,193 --> 00:31:37,353
# Mercy now #
685
00:31:37,428 --> 00:31:38,554
# I'll take you there #
686
00:31:38,629 --> 00:31:39,994
# I'm callin',
callin' #
687
00:31:40,064 --> 00:31:42,328
# Callin'
for mercy #
688
00:31:42,399 --> 00:31:44,424
# I'll take you there #
689
00:31:44,502 --> 00:31:46,333
# Mercy, mercy #
690
00:31:48,572 --> 00:31:49,596
Hi.
691
00:31:49,673 --> 00:31:51,106
Hey. How was it?
692
00:31:51,175 --> 00:31:52,665
So bad. So horrible.
693
00:31:52,743 --> 00:31:54,438
I just had
the worst night of my life.
694
00:31:54,512 --> 00:31:57,037
I mean, I can't even begin
to tell you how miserable I am.
695
00:31:57,114 --> 00:31:58,741
It is so late.
I got to get to bed.
696
00:31:58,816 --> 00:32:00,306
I mean, no one
realizes I got to be up
697
00:32:00,384 --> 00:32:01,874
at 4:00 in the morning
in that radio station.
698
00:32:01,952 --> 00:32:03,283
I can't believe
how late it is.
699
00:32:03,354 --> 00:32:04,753
- Go up and get in...
- OK.
700
00:32:04,822 --> 00:32:05,948
L... I just...
701
00:32:06,023 --> 00:32:08,583
I just need to rest.
I need to get some sleep.
702
00:32:08,659 --> 00:32:09,921
Horrible.
703
00:32:12,696 --> 00:32:14,755
God, let me
get away with this,
704
00:32:14,832 --> 00:32:19,030
and I swear I'll never stray
from Alison again. Never.
705
00:32:19,103 --> 00:32:20,695
Howard On Radio: I just want
to thank someone this morning.
706
00:32:20,771 --> 00:32:22,170
I want to thank
Brittany Fairchild
707
00:32:22,239 --> 00:32:23,501
For having myself
and Fred
708
00:32:23,574 --> 00:32:25,565
out to, uh, her new movie.
It was really good.
709
00:32:25,643 --> 00:32:27,543
Fred, what'd you think
of the movie?
710
00:32:27,611 --> 00:32:29,101
Fred: I was very moved.
711
00:32:29,179 --> 00:32:31,010
I think a lot of us
were moved last night.
712
00:32:31,081 --> 00:32:33,914
CCC, AM 1290, FM 107...
713
00:32:58,442 --> 00:33:00,808
It's the fifth-largest market
in the United States,
714
00:33:00,878 --> 00:33:02,345
and they want me
to start tomorrow,
715
00:33:02,413 --> 00:33:03,903
which is a good sign,
I think.
716
00:33:03,981 --> 00:33:05,380
That means they're,
you know,
717
00:33:05,449 --> 00:33:07,883
they're really desperate
for me, which I like.
718
00:33:07,952 --> 00:33:11,683
And they say they're gonna move the
building to the best part of the city,
719
00:33:11,755 --> 00:33:14,656
which I think is good, too...
You know, pump money into the facility.
720
00:33:14,725 --> 00:33:16,386
And the station manager
says we are gonna be
721
00:33:16,460 --> 00:33:18,724
the most aggressive
radio station in Detroit.
722
00:33:18,796 --> 00:33:21,492
We are gonna dominate
the marketplace, which I lo...
723
00:33:26,870 --> 00:33:28,667
Are these yours?
724
00:33:31,375 --> 00:33:33,809
They're wet.
725
00:33:40,484 --> 00:33:42,952
Howard: Alison's not
coming to Detroit.
726
00:33:43,020 --> 00:33:45,250
I should have
just come home
727
00:33:45,322 --> 00:33:47,290
and told my wife everything,
admitted the truth,
728
00:33:47,358 --> 00:33:49,349
'cause now my wife
doesn't even trust me anymore,
729
00:33:49,426 --> 00:33:51,417
and I don't blame her because
I don't trust me, either.
730
00:33:51,495 --> 00:33:55,056
I'm a stupid idiot.
I'm so stupid!
731
00:33:55,132 --> 00:33:56,724
What am I gonna do?
732
00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:58,702
I don't know.
733
00:34:00,704 --> 00:34:02,604
I can always
count on you for help, man.
734
00:34:02,673 --> 00:34:04,072
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
735
00:34:09,813 --> 00:34:13,112
Listen, man, as soon as I get
to Detroit and things start happenin',
736
00:34:13,183 --> 00:34:15,674
I'm gonna get these guys
to hire you, all right?
737
00:34:15,753 --> 00:34:16,981
OK.
738
00:34:17,054 --> 00:34:19,955
Fred, I'm serious.
I'm not gonna forget ya.
739
00:34:20,024 --> 00:34:21,252
Bye.
740
00:34:36,140 --> 00:34:38,005
# Cat scratch fever... #
741
00:34:38,075 --> 00:34:39,565
Howard.
How you doing, man?
742
00:34:39,643 --> 00:34:40,837
How you doing, Marvin?
743
00:34:40,911 --> 00:34:42,640
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
744
00:34:42,713 --> 00:34:45,181
Hey, Patricia Fonfara,
meet Howard Stern. Your newslady.
745
00:34:45,249 --> 00:34:47,410
Hi. I'm really looking forward
to working with you.
746
00:34:47,484 --> 00:34:48,951
The Duke of rock's
just finishing up,
747
00:34:49,019 --> 00:34:51,010
and then we're gonna
get right inside, so...
748
00:34:51,088 --> 00:34:52,988
Hey, Marvin, what happened
to the new building?
749
00:34:53,057 --> 00:34:54,524
I told you, we're gonna
build a new building.
750
00:34:54,591 --> 00:34:56,957
First we got to build
an audience. Heh.
751
00:35:00,597 --> 00:35:02,497
Hey, the Duke of rock's
gettin' ready to walk,
752
00:35:02,566 --> 00:35:04,193
but I want you
to stick around,
753
00:35:04,268 --> 00:35:07,669
because we got
a brand-new morning man...
754
00:35:07,738 --> 00:35:10,172
looks like Big Bird
to me...
755
00:35:10,240 --> 00:35:11,730
coming next
756
00:35:11,809 --> 00:35:15,336
on W4106 FM.
757
00:35:15,412 --> 00:35:17,073
What's happening, man?
758
00:35:17,147 --> 00:35:18,580
Come on in, Big Bird.
759
00:35:18,649 --> 00:35:20,674
How you doing, man?
Good to see ya.
760
00:35:20,784 --> 00:35:23,651
How's things? What's that?
You're gonna do what?
761
00:35:23,721 --> 00:35:25,655
Is that ri... Well, now,
how about that, kiddies?
762
00:35:25,723 --> 00:35:28,521
He's gonna have Kermit the Frog
come in here and sing the Alphabet Song,
763
00:35:28,592 --> 00:35:29,524
isn't that somethin'?
764
00:35:29,593 --> 00:35:31,254
Coming up next
on the Big Bird show.
765
00:35:31,328 --> 00:35:32,955
I got to go. See you
at midnight tonight.
766
00:35:33,030 --> 00:35:34,292
This is the Duke of rock
saying,
767
00:35:34,364 --> 00:35:36,059
If you can't be good,
be bad, baby.
768
00:35:36,133 --> 00:35:37,259
Bye.
769
00:35:38,869 --> 00:35:40,632
Hi. How you doing?
770
00:35:40,704 --> 00:35:42,638
Howard Stern.
Nice to see you.
771
00:35:42,706 --> 00:35:44,697
Listened to your show
last night. It was great.
772
00:35:44,808 --> 00:35:46,241
Lookin' forward
to working with you.
773
00:35:46,310 --> 00:35:48,437
Don't hurt yourself,
man.
774
00:35:48,512 --> 00:35:50,309
OK, thanks.
Thank you.
775
00:35:51,915 --> 00:35:52,904
Thank you.
776
00:35:52,983 --> 00:35:54,075
What am I
thanking him for?
777
00:35:54,151 --> 00:35:55,311
Howard: So let's review.
778
00:35:55,385 --> 00:35:57,012
My life sucked,
779
00:35:57,087 --> 00:35:58,452
Alison dumped me,
780
00:35:58,522 --> 00:36:00,251
I didn't know if she'd
ever come back to me,
781
00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:02,224
and now this dickwad
is calling me Big Bird.
782
00:36:02,292 --> 00:36:04,783
106 FM, WWWW.
783
00:36:04,862 --> 00:36:06,921
I don't know.
Something in me just snapped.
784
00:36:06,997 --> 00:36:08,430
My name
is Howard Stern,
785
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:10,467
and welcome to
the new morning show.
786
00:36:10,534 --> 00:36:12,001
And we have
a new feature for you.
787
00:36:12,069 --> 00:36:13,969
This is, uh,
something special.
788
00:36:14,037 --> 00:36:17,529
We have a traffic copter now
here at WWWW.
789
00:36:17,608 --> 00:36:20,771
Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day
in the traffic copter.
790
00:36:20,844 --> 00:36:22,277
Mama, you there?
791
00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:23,574
Hello? Mama? Uh.
792
00:36:24,982 --> 00:36:26,415
Hello?
793
00:36:26,483 --> 00:36:28,849
Yes, hello.
This is Mama Look-a boo boo day,
794
00:36:28,919 --> 00:36:32,878
the only black traffic reporter
in the Detroit area,
795
00:36:32,956 --> 00:36:34,480
I'm proud to say.
796
00:36:34,558 --> 00:36:36,685
Pleasure to make
your acquaintance this morning, Mama.
797
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,627
Tell me, uh, what's going on
in the traffic?
798
00:36:39,696 --> 00:36:42,324
First, a political
statement, if I may.
799
00:36:45,102 --> 00:36:47,696
Kill, Kill, Kill...
800
00:36:47,771 --> 00:36:48,965
The White Man,
801
00:36:49,039 --> 00:36:52,065
by Eugene
Mama Look-a boo boo day.
802
00:36:52,142 --> 00:36:54,576
Eugene is my pen name 'cause
I wrote this while I was in the pen.
803
00:36:54,645 --> 00:36:56,545
OK, here we go.
804
00:37:01,585 --> 00:37:04,816
Kill, kill,
kill the white man.
805
00:37:09,092 --> 00:37:12,118
Kill him
until he is dead.
806
00:37:13,897 --> 00:37:15,524
Kill the white man.
807
00:37:18,435 --> 00:37:20,096
Thank you.
808
00:37:25,843 --> 00:37:29,540
Yeah, hi. Can I speak
to Alison Stern, please?
809
00:37:29,613 --> 00:37:32,081
Her husband Howard.
810
00:37:32,149 --> 00:37:33,639
It's Howard.
811
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:38,681
Hello?
812
00:37:38,755 --> 00:37:43,283
# There must be some
kind of way out of here #
813
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:45,828
# Said the joker
to the thief #
814
00:37:47,497 --> 00:37:50,489
# There's
too much confusion #
815
00:37:51,735 --> 00:37:55,831
# I can't get no relief #
816
00:37:55,906 --> 00:37:57,965
# Businessmen, they'll #
817
00:37:58,041 --> 00:37:59,770
# They'll drink my wine #
818
00:37:59,843 --> 00:38:02,573
# Plowmen dig my earth... #
819
00:38:04,414 --> 00:38:06,314
You talk too much.
820
00:38:06,383 --> 00:38:08,010
And very important,
821
00:38:08,085 --> 00:38:10,178
I want the time
and the temperature
822
00:38:10,254 --> 00:38:13,451
4 times every 15 minutes,
not 3. 4.
823
00:38:13,523 --> 00:38:16,287
My grandmother
died last night.
824
00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:19,295
I spent all night with her
in the hospital.
825
00:38:21,298 --> 00:38:23,357
She... She
had a car accident.
826
00:38:25,035 --> 00:38:26,332
By the way, uh...
827
00:38:26,403 --> 00:38:29,031
It's 6:45. Temperature
is, uh, 58 degrees.
828
00:38:29,106 --> 00:38:30,505
# No reason
to get excited #
829
00:38:30,574 --> 00:38:32,565
Anyway, her head
went through the windshield.
830
00:38:32,643 --> 00:38:34,110
You know, it's funny,
but her last words...
831
00:38:34,177 --> 00:38:36,475
# The thief,
he kindly spoke #
832
00:38:37,814 --> 00:38:40,715
# There are many here
among us #
833
00:38:40,784 --> 00:38:42,149
I want you back
so bad...
834
00:38:42,219 --> 00:38:46,178
# Who feel that life
is but a joke #
835
00:38:46,256 --> 00:38:50,454
# But you and I,
we've been through that #
836
00:38:50,527 --> 00:38:52,017
# And this not our fate... #
837
00:38:52,095 --> 00:38:53,528
Howard: I had, like,
no listeners,
838
00:38:53,597 --> 00:38:55,292
and the couple of listeners
I did have
839
00:38:55,365 --> 00:38:57,162
Would call in and tell me
how bad I sucked
840
00:38:57,234 --> 00:38:58,724
on a regular basis.
841
00:38:58,802 --> 00:39:01,430
Although, I did manage to convince
one of them to be my weather lady.
842
00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:03,097
Irene...
the weather girl.
843
00:39:03,173 --> 00:39:04,435
Irene,
are you there?
844
00:39:04,508 --> 00:39:06,703
It's cold, real cold,
845
00:39:06,777 --> 00:39:08,938
but your ass
is gonna be plenty hot
846
00:39:09,012 --> 00:39:11,139
when I give you a good,
hard butt-whipping.
847
00:39:11,214 --> 00:39:12,408
Tongue.
848
00:39:12,482 --> 00:39:14,211
What do you think
about that?
849
00:39:14,284 --> 00:39:16,218
Turns you on, doesn't it,
you little maggot?
850
00:39:16,286 --> 00:39:17,275
Yeah.
851
00:39:17,354 --> 00:39:19,083
Irene, thank you
for the weather forecast.
852
00:39:19,156 --> 00:39:20,088
Shut up.
853
00:39:20,157 --> 00:39:21,624
We hope to hear
from you tomorrow...
854
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:22,886
Give us some
more weather.
855
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,155
Bite me, you loser.
856
00:39:33,503 --> 00:39:36,301
You shaved
your mustache.
857
00:39:37,874 --> 00:39:38,932
Jeez. Alison.
858
00:39:40,844 --> 00:39:42,471
It's great to see you.
859
00:39:42,546 --> 00:39:44,173
Al, I miss you so much.
860
00:39:44,247 --> 00:39:46,044
I'm feelin' so miserable
since you left.
861
00:39:46,116 --> 00:39:48,175
I am just so uncomfortable
in this Detroit. I'm...
862
00:39:48,251 --> 00:39:49,513
Howard...
863
00:39:49,586 --> 00:39:51,781
I'm willing to believe
you didn't sleep with that girl.
864
00:39:51,855 --> 00:39:55,086
OK? And I understand
you're a somewhat abnormal person
865
00:39:55,158 --> 00:39:57,388
with a somewhat abnormal job.
That I can accept.
866
00:39:57,461 --> 00:39:59,326
I deal with abnormality
every single day.
867
00:39:59,396 --> 00:40:01,261
I don't need everything
in my life to be normal.
868
00:40:01,331 --> 00:40:03,526
And on the air,
you do what you do. That's your job.
869
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:07,263
But off the air,
for me to be in this marriage...
870
00:40:07,337 --> 00:40:09,965
I need to know
I'm the only one.
871
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,031
And I'm not saying that
to pressure you.
872
00:40:12,109 --> 00:40:15,670
I'm saying it because it's
just something I know about myself.
873
00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:18,044
So... if you need more time
or whatever...
874
00:40:18,115 --> 00:40:20,549
I don't need
any more time.
875
00:40:20,617 --> 00:40:23,313
I am just so madly
in love with you.
876
00:40:23,387 --> 00:40:26,117
I don't... I don't need
anyone else in my life.
877
00:40:26,189 --> 00:40:28,020
I never wanted
anyone else in my life.
878
00:40:28,091 --> 00:40:29,683
All I want is you.
879
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,661
I just want you
to forgive me.
880
00:40:36,967 --> 00:40:38,902
Thanks for coming back.
881
00:40:39,002 --> 00:40:40,230
Wow.
882
00:40:43,407 --> 00:40:46,376
Come on, you guys.
Right up here looks perfect.
883
00:40:46,443 --> 00:40:47,842
Howard:
Isn't Alison amazing?
884
00:40:47,911 --> 00:40:49,435
She's in town,
like, 2 minutes,
885
00:40:49,513 --> 00:40:53,449
and already she's got a job
working with a bunch of wackos.
886
00:40:53,517 --> 00:40:55,985
Excuse me.
Mentally challenged.
887
00:40:56,019 --> 00:40:58,385
Nice day, huh?
888
00:40:58,455 --> 00:41:00,320
What can I do
to help here?
889
00:41:00,390 --> 00:41:02,415
Well, I'm gonna
set up lunch...
890
00:41:02,492 --> 00:41:03,459
OK.
891
00:41:03,527 --> 00:41:06,155
And you can play frisbee
with the guys.
892
00:41:06,229 --> 00:41:08,993
Start again.
Here we go.
893
00:41:09,032 --> 00:41:11,296
Oh. I'm so sorry.
894
00:41:11,368 --> 00:41:13,302
Listen, what you
got to do is,
895
00:41:13,370 --> 00:41:14,962
you got to put
this hand up, OK?
896
00:41:15,038 --> 00:41:16,903
And you got to try
and catch it, OK?
897
00:41:16,973 --> 00:41:18,873
All right,
here we go.
898
00:41:18,942 --> 00:41:20,534
Ready? Here we go.
899
00:41:22,679 --> 00:41:24,146
I'm so sorry.
900
00:41:25,482 --> 00:41:27,416
You know what
we're gonna do?
901
00:41:27,484 --> 00:41:29,884
Just tell me that you're ready.
Are you ready?
902
00:41:29,953 --> 00:41:31,352
Y-Yes.
903
00:41:33,023 --> 00:41:34,718
Howard! Howard!
904
00:41:34,791 --> 00:41:35,723
Marvin.
905
00:41:35,792 --> 00:41:37,657
I was hoping
I'd find you here.
906
00:41:37,727 --> 00:41:39,524
I have some
very exciting news!
907
00:41:39,596 --> 00:41:41,188
Oh. Are you
all right?
908
00:41:41,264 --> 00:41:42,322
Yeah. Yeah.
909
00:41:42,399 --> 00:41:43,593
That was good.
910
00:41:43,667 --> 00:41:46,500
You just got to wait
till somebody looks, OK?
911
00:41:46,570 --> 00:41:50,734
Hoo. Uh, well, we decided that
Detroit has too many rock stations,
912
00:41:50,807 --> 00:41:53,332
so starting tomorrow
we're starting a new format,
913
00:41:53,410 --> 00:41:55,378
and it'll give us
a real great edge.
914
00:41:59,082 --> 00:42:01,016
# Ooh ooh #
915
00:42:01,084 --> 00:42:03,814
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #
916
00:42:03,887 --> 00:42:05,855
# Ooh doo #
917
00:42:05,922 --> 00:42:07,753
# Doo-doop
doo-doo-doo #
918
00:42:07,824 --> 00:42:10,190
# Doo doo ooh #
919
00:42:10,260 --> 00:42:11,249
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee... #
920
00:42:11,328 --> 00:42:12,727
Howdy, cowpokes.
921
00:42:12,796 --> 00:42:14,855
Uh, I know I shouldn't be
interrupting in the middle of a song,
922
00:42:14,931 --> 00:42:16,262
but I got to
tell you something.
923
00:42:16,333 --> 00:42:18,267
I know a lot of you out there
really love this music,
924
00:42:18,335 --> 00:42:19,768
but I just don't get it.
925
00:42:19,836 --> 00:42:20,996
Explain it to me.
926
00:42:21,071 --> 00:42:23,005
And maybe it's 'cause
I went to college,
927
00:42:23,073 --> 00:42:25,007
and I never drove a truck
928
00:42:25,075 --> 00:42:27,942
and had sex with
my daddy's sister, but...
929
00:42:28,011 --> 00:42:30,104
I guess what I'm
trying to say is, I...
930
00:42:30,213 --> 00:42:31,771
I don't think
I'm the man for this job.
931
00:42:31,848 --> 00:42:35,579
So this is your old pal
Hopalong Howie saying I quit.
932
00:42:35,652 --> 00:42:36,949
L... I think I quit.
933
00:42:37,020 --> 00:42:39,318
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #
934
00:42:39,389 --> 00:42:41,983
# Ooh doo #
935
00:42:42,058 --> 00:42:44,026
# Doo-doop
doo-doo-doo #
936
00:42:44,094 --> 00:42:46,289
# Doo doo ooh #
937
00:42:46,363 --> 00:42:48,729
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #
938
00:42:48,798 --> 00:42:50,095
# Oh #
939
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:52,134
# Dee dee dee #
940
00:42:54,037 --> 00:42:55,732
What?
941
00:42:55,805 --> 00:42:56,863
Nothing.
942
00:43:08,018 --> 00:43:09,383
What is it?
943
00:43:09,452 --> 00:43:11,215
I feel like
such a loser.
944
00:43:11,288 --> 00:43:13,984
It's not your fault.
It was a lame station.
945
00:43:14,057 --> 00:43:15,422
Yeah, it was my fault.
946
00:43:15,492 --> 00:43:17,687
You can't blame a radio station.
It's my screwup.
947
00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:19,023
In what way?
948
00:43:19,095 --> 00:43:21,029
In a way that I gotta
figure out what I'm gonna be.
949
00:43:21,097 --> 00:43:23,065
I mean, I don't want to be
one of these disc jockeys
950
00:43:23,133 --> 00:43:26,330
that runs around the country, you know,
looking for work all the time.
951
00:43:26,403 --> 00:43:28,769
I don't want to end up like that.
It's so sad.
952
00:43:28,838 --> 00:43:31,102
It's so apparent to me now
what I should be doing.
953
00:43:31,174 --> 00:43:32,937
I should be talking
about my personal life.
954
00:43:33,009 --> 00:43:34,943
I've got to get intimate.
955
00:43:35,011 --> 00:43:37,241
And every time I feel like
I shouldn't say something,
956
00:43:37,314 --> 00:43:39,373
maybe I should just say it,
just blurt it out, you know?
957
00:43:39,449 --> 00:43:42,179
I just got to
let things fly.
958
00:43:42,252 --> 00:43:44,186
I got to go all the way.
959
00:43:44,287 --> 00:43:46,687
You didn't go
all the way before?
960
00:43:46,756 --> 00:43:48,018
No. I mean...
961
00:43:48,091 --> 00:43:50,423
No. A lot of times,
I'm just holding back.
962
00:43:53,396 --> 00:43:56,331
Then I guess you should
go all the way.
963
00:43:58,435 --> 00:43:59,868
Hold the sign
nice and low.
964
00:43:59,936 --> 00:44:01,563
With a big smile...
Very sexy...
965
00:44:01,638 --> 00:44:02,969
This is about Howard
coming to Washington.
966
00:44:03,039 --> 00:44:04,199
What's going on here?
967
00:44:04,307 --> 00:44:05,501
Um, we're
shooting a movie.
968
00:44:05,575 --> 00:44:06,803
Hey,
you got a permit?
969
00:44:06,876 --> 00:44:08,138
Uh, no, we don't
have a permit,
970
00:44:08,211 --> 00:44:09,701
but this is,
like, one line,
971
00:44:09,779 --> 00:44:11,542
and we'll be done with them in a second
and we'll be out of your way.
972
00:44:11,615 --> 00:44:13,048
You can't be there, then.
You're blocking the median.
973
00:44:13,116 --> 00:44:14,447
Come on, you're
gonna have to move.
974
00:44:14,517 --> 00:44:16,212
Um, this if for
the Howard Stern movie.
975
00:44:16,286 --> 00:44:17,947
Wait a minute.
You said Howard Stern?
976
00:44:18,021 --> 00:44:19,215
Yeah.
This is his movie.
977
00:44:19,322 --> 00:44:20,346
Is Howard here?
978
00:44:20,423 --> 00:44:22,015
No, he's not here today,
not in this scene,
979
00:44:22,092 --> 00:44:23,150
but this is his movie.
980
00:44:23,226 --> 00:44:24,784
Come on.
You got to move.
981
00:44:24,861 --> 00:44:26,556
Tsk. Give us a break.
It'll take a second.
982
00:44:26,630 --> 00:44:27,892
Just look right
at the camera,
983
00:44:27,964 --> 00:44:29,192
and say, "Howard
comes to Washington."
984
00:44:29,232 --> 00:44:30,529
Howard comes
to Washington.
985
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:31,760
Hey, let's go!
Come on!
986
00:44:31,835 --> 00:44:33,803
Howard's, like,
a big fan of the cops.
987
00:44:33,870 --> 00:44:35,098
He loves you guys.
988
00:44:35,171 --> 00:44:36,570
We could have
been done by now.
989
00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:37,834
Guess what.
You are done.
990
00:44:37,907 --> 00:44:41,240
Howard: I was hired by
an FM rock station, DC 101,
991
00:44:41,344 --> 00:44:43,812
and that's when I met
the other woman in my life.
992
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:45,313
Howard?
993
00:44:45,382 --> 00:44:47,976
Hi. I'm Robin Quivers,
your newswoman.
994
00:44:48,051 --> 00:44:50,849
Oh. Oh, I'm really looking forward
to working with you.
995
00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:51,909
It's great to meet you.
996
00:44:51,988 --> 00:44:52,920
Same here.
997
00:44:52,989 --> 00:44:54,616
Yeah, this is
gonna be great.
998
00:44:54,691 --> 00:44:57,922
OK, I'm just gonna go over here
and work on my script.
999
00:44:57,994 --> 00:44:59,985
We're almost set.
1000
00:45:00,063 --> 00:45:01,257
Ooh.
1001
00:45:04,801 --> 00:45:06,701
Ahem.
1002
00:45:06,770 --> 00:45:09,830
DC 101. Good morning.
This is Howard Stern.
1003
00:45:09,906 --> 00:45:11,464
Welcome to the show.
1004
00:45:11,541 --> 00:45:13,771
I have a confession
to make.
1005
00:45:13,843 --> 00:45:16,141
I did not get, uh,
laid last night.
1006
00:45:16,212 --> 00:45:19,511
In fact, I haven't gotten laid
in a really long time.
1007
00:45:19,582 --> 00:45:21,846
Now, give me a call
here at DC 101
1008
00:45:21,918 --> 00:45:23,818
if you have
the same kind of problem.
1009
00:45:23,887 --> 00:45:24,819
Having trouble
with your woman?
1010
00:45:24,888 --> 00:45:26,515
Give me a call.
I'll help you out.
1011
00:45:26,589 --> 00:45:28,489
Let me introduce,
over here to my right,
1012
00:45:28,558 --> 00:45:32,255
my beautiful new newswoman
Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful,
1013
00:45:32,295 --> 00:45:35,355
I'm sure she doesn't have
any of these sexual problems.
1014
00:45:35,432 --> 00:45:39,300
But I must tell you,
my life is, um, very odd.
1015
00:45:39,369 --> 00:45:41,303
I get hornier
and hornier.
1016
00:45:41,371 --> 00:45:44,272
My wife, she comes home from work,
she goes to sleep.
1017
00:45:44,307 --> 00:45:46,298
The whole week goes by,
she never gets horny.
1018
00:45:46,376 --> 00:45:48,640
Robin, as a woman,
what is it?
1019
00:45:48,712 --> 00:45:50,737
Do women get horny?
1020
00:45:56,453 --> 00:45:58,683
Sometimes.
1021
00:45:58,755 --> 00:46:00,848
Why is he talking
to his newsperson?
1022
00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:02,323
I'll have him stop.
1023
00:46:02,392 --> 00:46:03,916
What about you
specifically, though?
1024
00:46:03,993 --> 00:46:07,588
When is the last time
that you were with a man...
1025
00:46:07,664 --> 00:46:08,756
sexually?
1026
00:46:10,700 --> 00:46:12,190
About a year.
1027
00:46:12,268 --> 00:46:13,963
You're serious?
1028
00:46:14,037 --> 00:46:15,231
- A year?
- Yeah.
1029
00:46:15,305 --> 00:46:16,602
A year,
ladies and gentlemen.
1030
00:46:16,673 --> 00:46:17,935
Someone more pathetic
than me.
1031
00:46:18,007 --> 00:46:19,668
This is good. This is good.
We're getting somewhere.
1032
00:46:19,743 --> 00:46:20,835
This is a good
discussion.
1033
00:46:20,910 --> 00:46:23,435
Uh, you know,
I bought a book,
1034
00:46:23,513 --> 00:46:25,003
"How to Score with Babes,"
1035
00:46:25,081 --> 00:46:26,480
and listen
to what it says.
1036
00:46:26,549 --> 00:46:27,743
I think
it's rather revealing.
1037
00:46:27,817 --> 00:46:30,115
"When attempting
to score with a babe,
1038
00:46:30,186 --> 00:46:32,120
"make sure to wear
tight pants.
1039
00:46:32,188 --> 00:46:35,282
"If necessary, stuff
a semirigid, large object
1040
00:46:35,358 --> 00:46:36,552
"into your pants
1041
00:46:36,626 --> 00:46:39,026
to create the appearance
of having a large penis."
1042
00:46:39,095 --> 00:46:40,960
Women like large penis.
1043
00:46:41,030 --> 00:46:43,294
Did he say "penis"?
1044
00:46:43,366 --> 00:46:44,833
I know about this stuff.
1045
00:46:44,901 --> 00:46:47,199
I have no bulge in my crotch.
I have a small penis.
1046
00:46:47,270 --> 00:46:49,170
And I've never told
anyone this before...
1047
00:46:49,239 --> 00:46:50,866
And I don't think
you should start now.
1048
00:46:50,940 --> 00:46:53,272
Well, I've done it.
Now the cat's out of the bag.
1049
00:46:53,343 --> 00:46:54,935
But this guy
wrote a good book.
1050
00:46:55,011 --> 00:46:57,172
The author has slept
with over 16,000 women,
1051
00:46:57,247 --> 00:46:58,737
and, uh,
take it from him.
1052
00:46:58,815 --> 00:47:01,283
He says
wear tight pants.
1053
00:47:01,351 --> 00:47:03,911
If he slept
with 16,000 women,
1054
00:47:03,987 --> 00:47:06,751
he wouldn't have time
to put on pants.
1055
00:47:06,823 --> 00:47:09,587
That is true, too.
I didn't consider that.
1056
00:47:09,726 --> 00:47:10,920
Why don't you
give me a call at DC 101
1057
00:47:11,027 --> 00:47:12,927
if you want
to talk about this.
1058
00:47:13,029 --> 00:47:15,759
We'll be back
right after these words.
1059
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:18,331
You're a genius.
1060
00:47:18,401 --> 00:47:19,595
That was great.
1061
00:47:19,669 --> 00:47:21,000
That was interesting.
1062
00:47:21,104 --> 00:47:23,095
Didn't that feel good?
That was great.
1063
00:47:23,206 --> 00:47:25,504
You say
whatever you want.
1064
00:47:25,608 --> 00:47:27,940
You have carte blanche.
1065
00:47:28,044 --> 00:47:30,945
You and Robin must not talk
to each other on the air.
1066
00:47:31,047 --> 00:47:32,776
And don't sing along
with the music.
1067
00:47:32,849 --> 00:47:34,441
And you know
what else you could do?
1068
00:47:34,551 --> 00:47:36,746
I'd like you to memorize
the names of the local high schools.
1069
00:47:36,853 --> 00:47:38,582
And don't criticize
Washington.
1070
00:47:38,688 --> 00:47:40,280
It's not good for ratings.
1071
00:47:40,390 --> 00:47:43,655
Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like
to talk to Robin alone for a second.
1072
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:45,022
Wait. I wanted...
1073
00:47:45,128 --> 00:47:46,527
You know what I want you
to do for me,
1074
00:47:46,596 --> 00:47:48,393
is to make up a grid
of all your comedy bits
1075
00:47:48,498 --> 00:47:49,897
and the corresponding
days of the week,
1076
00:47:49,966 --> 00:47:52,196
so that I'll know on which day
you'll be doing which bit.
1077
00:47:52,302 --> 00:47:55,533
I told you I work spontaneously.
I think that I...
1078
00:48:01,244 --> 00:48:03,269
Robin...
don't encourage him.
1079
00:48:03,346 --> 00:48:05,314
He's better
when he's toned down.
1080
00:48:05,415 --> 00:48:09,476
We need you to be
a friend here, Robin.
1081
00:48:09,586 --> 00:48:11,747
I'll see
what I can do.
1082
00:48:11,821 --> 00:48:13,652
Great.
1083
00:48:13,723 --> 00:48:14,985
Appreciate it,
Robin.
1084
00:48:15,091 --> 00:48:16,149
- OK.
- Thanks.
1085
00:48:18,228 --> 00:48:20,128
I think we should
separate them.
1086
00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:23,131
Orioles over the Red Sox
3-2 last night,
1087
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,133
extending the Os'
winning streak to 7.
1088
00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:27,135
And finally,
today is Memorial Day.
1089
00:48:27,237 --> 00:48:30,638
Sunny skies and warm temperatures
for veterans marching in parades
1090
00:48:30,740 --> 00:48:32,139
across the metropolitan area.
1091
00:48:32,242 --> 00:48:35,143
Highs today in the 70s.
It's 58 degrees...
1092
00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:38,146
You know, Robin, let me
interrupt for a second.
1093
00:48:38,248 --> 00:48:40,148
I'm glad you brought up
Memorial Day.
1094
00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:42,150
I was in Vietnam.
I'd like to talk to you about it.
1095
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:44,152
I had 11 kills
in Vietnam,
1096
00:48:44,254 --> 00:48:47,655
and I'm telling you,
I really should've had more.
1097
00:48:47,757 --> 00:48:49,657
Officially, I should've
had more kills.
1098
00:48:49,759 --> 00:48:51,659
Let me tell you
what I'm talking about.
1099
00:48:51,761 --> 00:48:53,695
I was in a gook village,
and I come upon a schoolhouse.
1100
00:48:53,763 --> 00:48:55,526
So I grab one of
my grenades off my belt,
1101
00:48:55,632 --> 00:48:57,361
and I throw it right
into the schoolhouse.
1102
00:48:57,467 --> 00:48:59,628
And I blow up
the whole damn thing.
1103
00:48:59,736 --> 00:49:01,761
So I'm out there
counting all the bodies.
1104
00:49:01,871 --> 00:49:03,930
You threw a grenade
into a school?
1105
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:05,940
That's exactly
what I'm telling you.
1106
00:49:06,042 --> 00:49:07,771
I must've killed, like,
200 kids.
1107
00:49:07,877 --> 00:49:10,471
My dickhead lieutenant
comes up to me, and he says,
1108
00:49:10,580 --> 00:49:13,447
"Stern, those are little kids.
That counts as one person."
1109
00:49:13,516 --> 00:49:15,450
Howard, I was
in the military.
1110
00:49:15,518 --> 00:49:17,918
I was a captain in the Air Force.
What were you?
1111
00:49:18,021 --> 00:49:19,420
What was I?
1112
00:49:19,522 --> 00:49:21,012
Yeah, what were you?
1113
00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:23,092
- What were you again?
- I was a captain.
1114
00:49:23,159 --> 00:49:25,093
That's what I was.
I was a captain.
1115
00:49:25,161 --> 00:49:26,594
And what were you in?
1116
00:49:26,696 --> 00:49:28,129
I was in Vietnam.
1117
00:49:28,231 --> 00:49:29,892
Ohh! Army? Navy?
1118
00:49:29,966 --> 00:49:30,898
In the Army.
1119
00:49:30,967 --> 00:49:32,901
Did you have a division?
1120
00:49:32,969 --> 00:49:33,901
103rd.
1121
00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:34,902
103rd what?
1122
00:49:34,971 --> 00:49:36,404
I was in the 103rd...
1123
00:49:36,506 --> 00:49:37,905
I don't know
what I was in, Robin,
1124
00:49:37,974 --> 00:49:39,999
But I'm saying I was
in the 103rd.
1125
00:49:40,076 --> 00:49:42,010
And the point
of this whole thing
1126
00:49:42,078 --> 00:49:44,842
is that I think a kill
is a kill is a kill,
1127
00:49:44,914 --> 00:49:47,348
and killing a kid should be
just as good as killing an adult.
1128
00:49:47,450 --> 00:49:52,012
Well, I suppose even if you're killing
children, they should count them.
1129
00:49:52,088 --> 00:49:55,080
I got some music
for you now at DC 101.
1130
00:49:56,192 --> 00:49:57,284
Ha ha!
1131
00:49:58,695 --> 00:50:00,322
You're not even old enough
to have been in Vietnam.
1132
00:50:00,430 --> 00:50:01,328
Duh.
1133
00:50:02,999 --> 00:50:05,365
I couldn't sit there
and not say something.
1134
00:50:05,468 --> 00:50:07,868
I knew they had told me
not to talk.
1135
00:50:07,937 --> 00:50:10,371
I knew I was going to get
in trouble if I did.
1136
00:50:10,473 --> 00:50:12,373
But he was really
onto something,
1137
00:50:12,475 --> 00:50:16,377
and I knew that there was
something going on there...
1138
00:50:16,479 --> 00:50:18,879
and I just went for it.
1139
00:50:21,484 --> 00:50:23,918
Well, this just came
from the FCC.
1140
00:50:24,020 --> 00:50:26,420
Did you say "testicles"
on the air?
1141
00:50:26,489 --> 00:50:27,456
Wait a second.
1142
00:50:27,557 --> 00:50:29,422
Screw the FCC.
We just lost Muffler Man.
1143
00:50:29,492 --> 00:50:31,426
Hold on. We have
a real problem here.
1144
00:50:31,494 --> 00:50:32,927
I'm just trying
to get ratings.
1145
00:50:33,029 --> 00:50:34,360
I am just trying
to run a radio station.
1146
00:50:34,464 --> 00:50:36,056
I understand that,
and I'm telling you
1147
00:50:36,132 --> 00:50:37,963
that the commercial sponsors
are there once you get the ratings.
1148
00:50:38,034 --> 00:50:39,058
There's a big problem.
1149
00:50:39,135 --> 00:50:40,796
They're gonna be
lining up 10 in a row.
1150
00:50:40,870 --> 00:50:42,997
You listen to me,
you stupid asshole.
1151
00:50:43,106 --> 00:50:45,802
Radio is a business, and
you just cost us $40,000.
1152
00:50:45,875 --> 00:50:49,504
Wait a second. If I do a lame show,
it's never gonna take off.
1153
00:50:49,612 --> 00:50:51,512
I'm calm.
I am perfectly calm.
1154
00:50:51,581 --> 00:50:54,379
D.C. Carpet canceled
because of him.
1155
00:50:54,484 --> 00:50:56,315
Well, I've reached
my limit.
1156
00:50:56,419 --> 00:50:58,580
I don't know about you,
but my back is against the wall.
1157
00:50:58,688 --> 00:50:59,916
Will everyone
just sit down?
1158
00:50:59,989 --> 00:51:01,115
I just want to say
one thing.
1159
00:51:01,224 --> 00:51:02,623
I really think this show's
starting to take off.
1160
00:51:02,692 --> 00:51:04,125
There's a buzz
on the street about it.
1161
00:51:04,227 --> 00:51:06,127
If we just give it a chance,
if we just take some time with it,
1162
00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:08,254
I think everything's
gonna be OK.
1163
00:51:08,331 --> 00:51:10,231
Don't push
your luck, Howard.
1164
00:51:10,333 --> 00:51:13,029
Robin Leach: The countdown to our "Live
Life Like a Millionaire Sweepstakes"
1165
00:51:13,136 --> 00:51:14,194
is getting closer.
1166
00:51:14,270 --> 00:51:16,101
We're going to
have winners take...
1167
00:51:16,172 --> 00:51:17,104
Hey!
1168
00:51:17,173 --> 00:51:18,197
Hi, honey.
1169
00:51:18,274 --> 00:51:20,674
Robin Leach says we
should move to Antigua.
1170
00:51:20,777 --> 00:51:23,177
Oh, yeah?
Come on, hurry up.
1171
00:51:23,279 --> 00:51:25,042
Snap to it.
I'm ovulating.
1172
00:51:25,148 --> 00:51:28,049
I'm in the middle of
important show research.
1173
00:51:28,151 --> 00:51:31,052
Howard, seriously,
come on.
1174
00:51:31,154 --> 00:51:33,054
You know what?
You're getting baby fever here.
1175
00:51:33,156 --> 00:51:34,555
And you know, maybe
it's a little premature.
1176
00:51:34,624 --> 00:51:36,558
I'm about 3 days away from being fired,
the way I figure it.
1177
00:51:36,626 --> 00:51:38,560
And do you want
to know something?
1178
00:51:38,628 --> 00:51:40,061
You got to think about
the economics of this.
1179
00:51:40,163 --> 00:51:42,063
You're gonna be the best morning man
in the history of radio.
1180
00:51:42,165 --> 00:51:43,723
At any minute, you're
gonna be number one.
1181
00:51:43,833 --> 00:51:45,061
- Is that so?
- Yeah! Strip!
1182
00:51:45,168 --> 00:51:46,396
Let me tell you something.
Look at yourself.
1183
00:51:46,469 --> 00:51:47,902
You're completely on fire
about having a baby.
1184
00:51:48,004 --> 00:51:49,904
You don't understand.
I'm not a piece of meat.
1185
00:51:50,006 --> 00:51:51,633
I mean,
I have to be romanced.
1186
00:51:51,741 --> 00:51:53,572
Oh, yeah. Please.
1187
00:51:53,643 --> 00:51:56,578
Ooh, look at that bra.
Where did you get that?
1188
00:51:56,646 --> 00:51:57,806
You like this?
1189
00:51:57,914 --> 00:51:59,313
OK. That's it.
That's it!
1190
00:51:59,382 --> 00:52:01,247
I am making a baby!
1191
00:52:01,317 --> 00:52:03,376
It's baby time!
I'm ready to give you a baby.
1192
00:52:03,486 --> 00:52:04,384
Thank you.
1193
00:52:04,487 --> 00:52:05,385
Hold on.
1194
00:52:08,124 --> 00:52:09,523
OK. Now I'm hot.
1195
00:52:09,592 --> 00:52:11,025
Now I actually
want to have sex.
1196
00:52:11,127 --> 00:52:12,719
I didn't before
and now I do.
1197
00:52:12,829 --> 00:52:14,160
Announcer On TV:
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous...
1198
00:52:15,231 --> 00:52:16,664
Robin, watch this.
1199
00:52:21,237 --> 00:52:22,465
What am I doing?
1200
00:52:22,572 --> 00:52:24,335
Uh, having a seizure?
1201
00:52:24,407 --> 00:52:26,341
No, that's not a seizure.
That's me dancing
1202
00:52:26,409 --> 00:52:29,503
because I'm happy
'cause I got laid last night.
1203
00:52:29,612 --> 00:52:30,840
- Oh!
- Yeah, I really did.
1204
00:52:30,947 --> 00:52:32,847
In fact,
it was not for lust.
1205
00:52:32,949 --> 00:52:34,507
It was 'cause I was
making a kid.
1206
00:52:34,584 --> 00:52:36,518
- Oh.
- In fact, my wife's eggs are very old.
1207
00:52:36,586 --> 00:52:38,383
They're very, you know,
she's getting older.
1208
00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:39,887
But my sperm
is like supersperm,
1209
00:52:39,989 --> 00:52:42,116
so I'm pretty sure everything
was delivered in one shot.
1210
00:52:42,225 --> 00:52:44,125
Oh, yeah.
Your sperm are fine.
1211
00:52:44,227 --> 00:52:46,127
My sperm are fantastic.
I'm fantastic.
1212
00:52:46,229 --> 00:52:48,629
I'm in a good mood.
Let's take some phone calls
1213
00:52:48,698 --> 00:52:50,131
and see what's doing
out there.
1214
00:52:50,233 --> 00:52:51,632
- OK.
- Hi, you're on the air.
1215
00:52:51,701 --> 00:52:53,191
Woman Caller: Hi,
is this Howard Stern?
1216
00:52:53,269 --> 00:52:54,361
This is Howard.
1217
00:52:54,437 --> 00:52:55,870
Oh, whoa.
Anyway, I was calling
1218
00:52:55,972 --> 00:52:57,701
because I have
a really big problem.
1219
00:52:57,807 --> 00:52:58,933
What's your problem?
1220
00:52:59,008 --> 00:53:00,498
Well, every morning
I lie in bed,
1221
00:53:00,610 --> 00:53:02,043
and the only thing
I can do is think of you.
1222
00:53:02,111 --> 00:53:04,705
Oh, really? Well, let's see if we
can't help you with your problem.
1223
00:53:04,814 --> 00:53:06,042
What do you look like?
1224
00:53:06,115 --> 00:53:09,676
Well, I've got blond hair,
and I've got blue eyes,
1225
00:53:09,752 --> 00:53:13,188
and my measurements
are about 38-24-34.
1226
00:53:13,289 --> 00:53:16,053
Some people tell me I look
a lot like Farrah Fawcett.
1227
00:53:16,125 --> 00:53:18,150
I can help you.
Robin, I can help this girl.
1228
00:53:18,261 --> 00:53:20,661
You know, we have the most
beautiful audience.
1229
00:53:20,730 --> 00:53:23,221
We certainly do. We're
very fortunate that way.
1230
00:53:23,299 --> 00:53:24,664
You know what we're gonna do
to solve your problem?
1231
00:53:24,734 --> 00:53:26,702
I'm gonna have sex with you
right now over the radio.
1232
00:53:26,769 --> 00:53:28,168
Caller:
How are we gonna do that?
1233
00:53:28,271 --> 00:53:30,501
Very simple.
I've thought this through, Robin.
1234
00:53:30,573 --> 00:53:33,167
First of all, what kind of radio
are you listening to us on?
1235
00:53:33,276 --> 00:53:36,177
You have a transistor radio, or you
have one of those big sound systems?
1236
00:53:36,279 --> 00:53:37,712
Caller: I have
one of those big sound systems.
1237
00:53:37,780 --> 00:53:38,838
Good. OK.
1238
00:53:38,948 --> 00:53:40,677
Could you turn the treble
all the way down
1239
00:53:40,750 --> 00:53:41,978
and put the bass
all the way up?
1240
00:53:43,486 --> 00:53:46,319
OK. The treble's down,
and the bass is up.
1241
00:53:46,422 --> 00:53:48,788
Howard: Take your speaker...
You got a big speaker?
1242
00:53:48,925 --> 00:53:49,721
Caller: Yes, I do.
1243
00:53:49,792 --> 00:53:51,225
Lay it flat
on the floor.
1244
00:53:51,294 --> 00:53:53,990
And I want you to sort
of straddle the speaker.
1245
00:53:54,063 --> 00:53:55,496
- Howard!
- Caller: Do what?
1246
00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:58,363
A woman cannot be aroused
in that way.
1247
00:53:58,434 --> 00:54:00,698
Howard: No. This is really wrong, Robin.
You're absolutely wrong.
1248
00:54:00,770 --> 00:54:02,704
In fact, my father
was a radio engineer,
1249
00:54:02,772 --> 00:54:04,865
and he proved
this theory years ago.
1250
00:54:04,941 --> 00:54:06,431
You've got to believe.
1251
00:54:06,509 --> 00:54:09,876
Now, what I need you to do is put
your private area over the woofer.
1252
00:54:09,946 --> 00:54:11,208
Caller: I can't believe you're
really making me to do this.
1253
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:12,770
Howard: Come on, do it.
1254
00:54:12,815 --> 00:54:15,147
Right up against it
so you can feel me.
1255
00:54:18,654 --> 00:54:19,621
I'm on.
1256
00:54:19,689 --> 00:54:21,748
Robin: Oh, I have
to ask her a question.
1257
00:54:21,824 --> 00:54:25,954
What kind of a woman are you
to have sex this way on the radio?
1258
00:54:26,028 --> 00:54:27,723
Don't answer that question.
Bad question.
1259
00:54:27,797 --> 00:54:29,560
You're gonna ruin
this woman's mood.
1260
00:54:29,632 --> 00:54:31,566
She might start
second-guessing.
1261
00:54:31,634 --> 00:54:32,828
Are you ready
to have sex?
1262
00:54:32,902 --> 00:54:34,335
Caller, Giggling:
Oh, my God.
1263
00:54:38,241 --> 00:54:40,368
Ooh!
1264
00:54:41,978 --> 00:54:43,002
Oohh!
1265
00:54:43,079 --> 00:54:45,639
Ooh. It kinda tingles.
1266
00:54:45,715 --> 00:54:48,206
See? It tingles.
She likes it.
1267
00:54:48,284 --> 00:54:49,216
Yeah, sure.
1268
00:54:53,189 --> 00:54:55,680
Ohh! Oh...
1269
00:54:58,461 --> 00:54:59,826
She's full of it.
1270
00:55:02,331 --> 00:55:03,696
Aahh!
1271
00:55:03,766 --> 00:55:07,668
Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!
1272
00:55:07,737 --> 00:55:09,068
Listen to her.
She's going wild.
1273
00:55:09,138 --> 00:55:10,765
You got me moaning.
1274
00:55:25,755 --> 00:55:26,687
Oh, my goodness.
1275
00:55:28,891 --> 00:55:31,689
Ohhh!
1276
00:55:33,429 --> 00:55:35,659
This is the best sex
I ever had.
1277
00:55:35,731 --> 00:55:37,665
Ooh! Standing ovation.
Thank you.
1278
00:55:37,733 --> 00:55:38,825
- Oh, boy.
- Thank you.
1279
00:55:38,901 --> 00:55:40,493
Robin: Take your bows.
1280
00:55:41,604 --> 00:55:44,038
A woman on the air
had an orgasm.
1281
00:55:44,106 --> 00:55:45,539
Have you lost your mind?
1282
00:55:45,608 --> 00:55:47,041
But you got to admit,
it was a funny bit.
1283
00:55:47,109 --> 00:55:48,542
The audience loved
that stuff.
1284
00:55:48,611 --> 00:55:50,044
We just lost Stereo City.
1285
00:55:50,112 --> 00:55:52,342
This is not Muffler Man.
This is Stereo fucking City.
1286
00:55:52,415 --> 00:55:54,212
Dee Dee, you know
there's gonna be other sponsors.
1287
00:55:54,283 --> 00:55:57,150
No, there's not, Howard, 'cause
your career is over. You're finished.
1288
00:55:57,219 --> 00:55:59,016
Come on!
How can you say that?
1289
00:55:59,088 --> 00:56:00,715
Dee Dee,
I don't believe it.
1290
00:56:00,790 --> 00:56:02,815
He's up.
1291
00:56:02,892 --> 00:56:03,916
He's up?
1292
00:56:03,993 --> 00:56:06,018
In the new ratings book,
he's up... 2 points.
1293
00:56:06,095 --> 00:56:07,619
Howard:
I love you.
1294
00:56:07,697 --> 00:56:10,131
2 full points,
and Pizza Shack called.
1295
00:56:10,199 --> 00:56:12,133
They want to buy time
on the Stern show.
1296
00:56:12,201 --> 00:56:14,135
I go to Pizza Shack
all the time. Great.
1297
00:56:14,203 --> 00:56:16,137
This is a great time
to talk
1298
00:56:16,205 --> 00:56:17,638
about putting some money
into the show.
1299
00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:19,368
I know a guy,
he does voices, he does comedy.
1300
00:56:19,442 --> 00:56:21,876
Absolutely not.
This could be a fluke.
1301
00:56:21,944 --> 00:56:25,243
I guarantee you we'll go up 2 full
rating points if you hire this guy.
1302
00:56:25,314 --> 00:56:26,838
This guy
must be hot.
1303
00:56:26,916 --> 00:56:28,850
This guy is
total personality.
1304
00:56:28,918 --> 00:56:30,408
He's electric.
1305
00:56:40,429 --> 00:56:43,159
Hey, Rick.
How's tricks, buddy?
1306
00:56:43,232 --> 00:56:44,665
I've been coughing all day.
1307
00:56:44,734 --> 00:56:48,170
I feel like I'm about
to cough up a lung.
1308
00:56:48,237 --> 00:56:51,400
Blecch!
1309
00:56:51,474 --> 00:56:53,032
Waaa!
1310
00:56:53,109 --> 00:56:55,942
Both:
Oh, no! It's Lucy!
1311
00:56:55,978 --> 00:56:57,878
# You got me so I can't
sleep at night #
1312
00:56:57,947 --> 00:57:01,383
# Girl,
you really got me now #
1313
00:57:01,450 --> 00:57:04,044
# You got me so I don't know
where I'm going #
1314
00:57:04,120 --> 00:57:05,712
Howard:
Thank you very much.
1315
00:57:05,788 --> 00:57:07,722
# Yeah, you really
got me now #
1316
00:57:07,790 --> 00:57:10,258
# You got me so
I can't sleep at night #
1317
00:57:10,326 --> 00:57:13,352
# You really got me,
You really got me... #
1318
00:57:13,429 --> 00:57:15,624
Howard: Once the three of us
were together, everything felt right.
1319
00:57:15,698 --> 00:57:16,661
I mean, things really
started to take off.
1320
00:57:16,662 --> 00:57:17,624
I mean, things really
started to take off.
1321
00:57:17,700 --> 00:57:20,396
It was then that I made
a startling discovery.
1322
00:57:20,469 --> 00:57:23,802
She's a beautiful girl. You're telling
me this beautiful woman is a lesbian?
1323
00:57:23,873 --> 00:57:26,103
Howard: Lesbians
equal ratings.
1324
00:57:26,175 --> 00:57:27,767
Now let me say something.
1325
00:57:27,843 --> 00:57:29,470
I am the hero
of the lesbian community,
1326
00:57:29,545 --> 00:57:30,637
am I not, Robin?
1327
00:57:30,713 --> 00:57:31,805
I guess you are.
1328
00:57:31,881 --> 00:57:33,007
I absolutely am.
1329
00:57:33,115 --> 00:57:34,810
All right. Now,
let's get into it.
1330
00:57:34,884 --> 00:57:38,945
Julie, I want you to tell us
about your first lesbianic experience.
1331
00:57:39,021 --> 00:57:40,147
OK.
1332
00:57:40,222 --> 00:57:42,656
Tell me about the secret world
of lesbian sex.
1333
00:57:42,725 --> 00:57:44,659
Well, Howard, I was 18.
1334
00:57:44,727 --> 00:57:46,160
Oh, you were so young.
1335
00:57:46,228 --> 00:57:48,662
Right. And I was working
at a summer camp.
1336
00:57:48,731 --> 00:57:49,663
Yes?
1337
00:57:49,732 --> 00:57:51,996
And I was lying
in my bunk,
1338
00:57:52,034 --> 00:57:54,161
and the camp director's wife
walked in.
1339
00:57:54,236 --> 00:57:55,635
Ooh, now, that's hot.
1340
00:57:55,704 --> 00:57:57,831
Uh, everyone was asleep,
1341
00:57:57,907 --> 00:57:59,670
and I'm lying
in my bunk,
1342
00:57:59,742 --> 00:58:01,175
and she sees me
looking at her.
1343
00:58:01,243 --> 00:58:02,676
Howard: And then
what happens?
1344
00:58:02,745 --> 00:58:05,179
She, like, signals
for me to go with her.
1345
00:58:05,247 --> 00:58:06,680
What are you sleeping in?
1346
00:58:06,749 --> 00:58:08,182
'Cause this is
what I picture.
1347
00:58:08,250 --> 00:58:10,184
Little cotton panties,
a tight little undershirt.
1348
00:58:10,252 --> 00:58:12,413
No. I'm wearing, like,
little baby-doll pajamas.
1349
00:58:12,488 --> 00:58:14,581
Oh, you tease.
1350
00:58:14,657 --> 00:58:17,592
So then she takes me
into this tent.
1351
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:20,629
When you walk in, lesbians
all over the place, right?
1352
00:58:20,696 --> 00:58:23,290
I mean, a whole lesbian
sex festival, right?
1353
00:58:23,365 --> 00:58:25,629
Oh, you know it, Howard.
1354
00:58:25,701 --> 00:58:26,668
Man: Howard?
1355
00:58:26,735 --> 00:58:27,667
Ohh!
1356
00:58:27,736 --> 00:58:28,668
Howard?
1357
00:58:28,737 --> 00:58:31,205
Alison on line 3.
It is important.
1358
00:58:31,273 --> 00:58:33,503
Do you believe this, in the middle
of Lesbian Dating Game,
1359
00:58:33,576 --> 00:58:35,009
my wife calls in?
1360
00:58:35,077 --> 00:58:36,977
Robin:
Maybe she wants to play.
1361
00:58:37,046 --> 00:58:38,980
Honey, you want to play?
You want a date with Julie?
1362
00:58:39,048 --> 00:58:40,481
Alison: Am I on the air?
1363
00:58:40,549 --> 00:58:41,982
Yes, honey, of course
you're on the air.
1364
00:58:42,051 --> 00:58:43,985
I told them I wanted
to talk to you off the air.
1365
00:58:44,053 --> 00:58:46,988
But, honey, you're in the middle of
interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.
1366
00:58:47,056 --> 00:58:49,149
You've got to tell everyone. My audience
wants to know why you're interrupting.
1367
00:58:49,225 --> 00:58:50,522
Don't you want to know,
Robin?
1368
00:58:50,593 --> 00:58:51,992
I think we deserve to.
1369
00:58:52,061 --> 00:58:55,724
Yes, honey... Uh-oh, Al?
I think she's gone.
1370
00:58:55,798 --> 00:58:57,663
Alison: No. I'm pregnant.
1371
00:58:57,733 --> 00:58:59,166
What?
1372
00:58:59,235 --> 00:59:01,169
Alison: I'm pregnant.
1373
00:59:01,237 --> 00:59:04,172
Robin: Congratulations,
Howard.
1374
00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:08,006
It's my supersperm. I knew
my supersperm would do it, Robin.
1375
00:59:08,077 --> 00:59:09,066
You're so blessed.
1376
00:59:09,111 --> 00:59:10,442
Julie says we're blessed,
honey,
1377
00:59:10,513 --> 00:59:11,980
and Julie would know
these things.
1378
00:59:12,047 --> 00:59:14,015
Alison: Well, I appreciate her support.
Can we talk privately now?
1379
00:59:14,083 --> 00:59:15,243
Absolutely, sweetheart.
1380
00:59:15,317 --> 00:59:16,614
Wait a minute. Does she
know what she's gonna have?
1381
00:59:16,685 --> 00:59:17,879
Is it gonna be a lesbian?
1382
00:59:17,953 --> 00:59:19,818
Oh, please, Robin!
You've gone too far.
1383
00:59:19,889 --> 00:59:22,983
No offense, Julie.
Please, I don't need this aggravation.
1384
00:59:23,058 --> 00:59:26,084
We're gonna take a break. We'll get back
to making out with the lesbians
1385
00:59:26,128 --> 00:59:27,595
right after these words.
1386
00:59:28,998 --> 00:59:30,431
- Hi.
- Alison: Hey.
1387
00:59:30,499 --> 00:59:31,625
I can't believe it.
1388
00:59:31,700 --> 00:59:33,133
I can't believe you made me
do that on the air.
1389
00:59:33,202 --> 00:59:34,635
It's so exciting.
Did you call your mother?
1390
00:59:34,703 --> 00:59:36,136
I called, I called.
I feel so different.
1391
00:59:36,205 --> 00:59:37,137
I know.
1392
00:59:37,206 --> 00:59:38,639
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
1393
00:59:38,707 --> 00:59:40,140
I'm flipping
out, too.
1394
00:59:40,209 --> 00:59:41,642
I'm somebody's
father.
1395
00:59:41,710 --> 00:59:43,473
Oh, my God!
1396
00:59:44,647 --> 00:59:47,081
Reporter:
Love him or hate him,
1397
00:59:47,149 --> 00:59:48,446
unconventional
disc jockey Howard Stern
1398
00:59:48,551 --> 00:59:50,451
jumped to the top
of the ratings today,
1399
00:59:50,553 --> 00:59:52,521
making him number one
in greater Washington.
1400
00:59:52,588 --> 00:59:55,580
Howard On TV: I took a dump of a
radio station and returned it to glory.
1401
00:59:55,658 --> 00:59:57,592
Howard In Living Room:
I look like Hitler.
1402
00:59:57,660 --> 00:59:59,594
Howard, Narrating:
I was thrilled, totally overjoyed.
1403
00:59:59,662 --> 01:00:02,096
I mean, we were gonna have
our first child,
1404
01:00:02,164 --> 01:00:04,598
and 6 weeks later,
the new ratings came out.
1405
01:00:04,667 --> 01:00:07,101
We destroyed every other
station in the market.
1406
01:00:07,169 --> 01:00:08,602
My life was perfect.
1407
01:00:08,671 --> 01:00:10,605
I'm gonna grab
this guy's hat,
1408
01:00:10,673 --> 01:00:12,106
if they show it.
1409
01:00:16,111 --> 01:00:18,045
Howard On TV:
I'll tell you another thing...
1410
01:00:18,113 --> 01:00:19,546
Look, watch this.
1411
01:00:19,615 --> 01:00:21,048
You're gonna miss it.
1412
01:00:21,116 --> 01:00:22,048
Come here.
1413
01:00:22,117 --> 01:00:24,517
Howard On TV:
I am Officer Howie,
1414
01:00:24,587 --> 01:00:27,886
and there's a new law in town.
We're taking it over.
1415
01:00:29,124 --> 01:00:30,056
Alison: How!
1416
01:00:30,125 --> 01:00:31,558
I love you.
1417
01:00:33,629 --> 01:00:35,563
Al, you OK?
1418
01:00:35,631 --> 01:00:38,896
I think
something's wrong.
1419
01:00:38,968 --> 01:00:41,402
Even if I'd put you
in the hospital
1420
01:00:41,503 --> 01:00:43,903
and I pumped you full
of every medication possible,
1421
01:00:43,973 --> 01:00:46,464
you still would've lost
the pregnancy.
1422
01:00:58,520 --> 01:01:01,421
Your body rejected
what was going on.
1423
01:01:01,523 --> 01:01:04,424
And that's so healthy.
It's such a good way to look at it.
1424
01:01:04,526 --> 01:01:07,427
And in a couple of months,
we're gonna try to have a baby again,
1425
01:01:07,529 --> 01:01:08,928
and everything's
gonna go great.
1426
01:01:08,998 --> 01:01:11,933
You're gonna be totally confident
that everything's going good
1427
01:01:12,001 --> 01:01:14,026
because you know your
body would reject it
1428
01:01:14,136 --> 01:01:16,036
if it wasn't going
right... you know?
1429
01:01:19,141 --> 01:01:21,041
I have to tell my parents.
1430
01:01:22,611 --> 01:01:25,045
Not really.
We don't have to tell your parents.
1431
01:01:25,147 --> 01:01:27,547
You know
what you could do?
1432
01:01:29,151 --> 01:01:31,051
I didn't want
to tell you this,
1433
01:01:31,153 --> 01:01:33,553
but I took a polaroid
of the toilet.
1434
01:01:33,622 --> 01:01:36,557
And we can just mail them
a picture of that,
1435
01:01:36,625 --> 01:01:38,559
and they can walk
around Florida, you know,
1436
01:01:38,627 --> 01:01:40,060
and say it was
our grandchild,
1437
01:01:40,162 --> 01:01:42,062
and your mother
will be so happy.
1438
01:01:42,164 --> 01:01:44,064
She just wants pictures
to show her friends.
1439
01:01:44,166 --> 01:01:45,565
- No.
- You know that.
1440
01:01:45,634 --> 01:01:48,068
She just wants to be like all
the other yentas who walk around.
1441
01:01:48,170 --> 01:01:52,072
You know, we could name the baby
and everything. Clumpy... Clumpy Stern.
1442
01:01:52,174 --> 01:01:56,076
She could walk around with your father
and little Clumpy pictures.
1443
01:01:57,446 --> 01:01:59,380
Chorus, On Tape:
# All the weather #
1444
01:01:59,481 --> 01:02:01,745
# Now here's God #
1445
01:02:01,817 --> 01:02:02,749
Your Holiness.
1446
01:02:02,818 --> 01:02:04,080
Howard As God:
Hello, Howard.
1447
01:02:04,186 --> 01:02:05,585
There you are.
1448
01:02:05,654 --> 01:02:07,588
I see your wife
had a miscarriage.
1449
01:02:07,656 --> 01:02:09,089
Aw, don't bring
that up, God.
1450
01:02:09,191 --> 01:02:10,590
Please, that's way
too personal.
1451
01:02:10,659 --> 01:02:14,095
You tried to have a baby,
and you failed.
1452
01:02:14,196 --> 01:02:15,094
Oh, man!
1453
01:02:15,197 --> 01:02:17,597
Now the baby is with me!
1454
01:02:17,666 --> 01:02:19,099
This is crazy.
1455
01:02:19,201 --> 01:02:21,101
Boy, what a loser you are.
1456
01:02:21,203 --> 01:02:24,104
Wow! He's getting awfully
personal this morning.
1457
01:02:24,206 --> 01:02:26,606
Hey, God, me and my wife
are trying to have another baby.
1458
01:02:26,675 --> 01:02:28,836
A real man would have done it
right the first time.
1459
01:02:28,944 --> 01:02:30,343
Oh, for God's sake.
1460
01:02:30,446 --> 01:02:33,347
- It'll be pleasant today. Rain tomorrow.
1461
01:02:33,449 --> 01:02:34,848
That's my kid up there.
1462
01:02:34,950 --> 01:02:38,386
This is God with the weather
on DC 101.
1463
01:02:38,454 --> 01:02:39,614
You're all wrong, God.
1464
01:02:39,688 --> 01:02:41,553
You're completely
out of line this morning.
1465
01:02:41,623 --> 01:02:44,057
I don't think we should be
talking about this.
1466
01:02:44,126 --> 01:02:47,391
I went to the doctor with my wife,
and it was an awful experience,
1467
01:02:47,496 --> 01:02:49,896
because the doctor walks out,
and there's the kid,
1468
01:02:49,965 --> 01:02:51,057
your beautiful child,
1469
01:02:51,133 --> 01:02:53,397
and he's no bigger than
the size of an aspirin.
1470
01:02:53,502 --> 01:02:55,902
Howie Jr., no bigger
than the size of an aspirin.
1471
01:02:55,971 --> 01:02:57,404
Robin: Was it a boy?
1472
01:02:57,506 --> 01:02:59,406
It was a boy, yes.
He had a little tiny penis.
1473
01:02:59,508 --> 01:03:02,636
And then you look at him,
and he's in the formaldehyde jar.
1474
01:03:02,711 --> 01:03:04,645
And I said to my wife,
"Honey, don't be upset
1475
01:03:04,713 --> 01:03:06,647
that Howard Jr.'s
in a formaldehyde jar.
1476
01:03:06,715 --> 01:03:08,649
We're gonna take him out of
this office, we'll bring him home,
1477
01:03:08,717 --> 01:03:10,708
and next week we'll bring him
to the zoo in a stroller."
1478
01:03:10,786 --> 01:03:12,583
Oh, please!
1479
01:03:12,654 --> 01:03:14,246
I don't want to talk
about it, Robin.
1480
01:03:14,356 --> 01:03:15,687
I really think
you need counseling.
1481
01:03:15,758 --> 01:03:18,022
I'm gonna play a record.
DC 101.
1482
01:03:18,093 --> 01:03:20,084
We got some great tunes
for you this morning,
1483
01:03:20,162 --> 01:03:23,222
and then Robin will analyze me
when we get back from this song.
1484
01:03:23,298 --> 01:03:25,289
Very sad music.
1485
01:03:26,502 --> 01:03:28,834
Not that, Fred.
Play something else, please.
1486
01:03:28,904 --> 01:03:30,337
For God's sake.
1487
01:03:30,439 --> 01:03:33,602
DC 101. Here's
rock 'n' roll for you.
1488
01:03:41,683 --> 01:03:44,117
Hi. Al, you home?
1489
01:03:46,922 --> 01:03:48,856
Hi. How you feeling?
You OK?
1490
01:03:48,924 --> 01:03:50,858
How could you do that?
Do you think that was funny?
1491
01:03:50,926 --> 01:03:53,861
You think it's funny to make jokes
about our personal life like that?
1492
01:03:53,929 --> 01:03:55,362
You're an asshole!
1493
01:03:55,464 --> 01:03:57,193
What are you
talking about?
1494
01:03:57,299 --> 01:03:59,392
Alison, I love you.
What are you talking about?
1495
01:03:59,501 --> 01:04:01,401
Howard, not everything
is for your audience.
1496
01:04:01,503 --> 01:04:04,097
I need a life that is ours,
that belongs to us.
1497
01:04:04,173 --> 01:04:06,141
I'm on the air 5 hours a day.
I'm trying to come up with material.
1498
01:04:06,208 --> 01:04:07,368
I hate going out.
1499
01:04:07,476 --> 01:04:08,807
Too bad!
1500
01:04:08,877 --> 01:04:11,141
I said when we came here,
if I was gonna win on the radio,
1501
01:04:11,213 --> 01:04:12,942
I'd have to talk about everything.
I couldn't hold back.
1502
01:04:13,048 --> 01:04:15,881
- Howard...
- Come on, last night we were laughing about this.
1503
01:04:15,951 --> 01:04:17,976
I just assumed
you thought it was funny.
1504
01:04:18,053 --> 01:04:19,782
It was funny for us
last night.
1505
01:04:19,855 --> 01:04:21,117
Privately, for us.
1506
01:04:21,190 --> 01:04:23,090
Alison, if I don't talk about
you and me on the air...
1507
01:04:23,158 --> 01:04:24,090
Shut up. Shut up.
1508
01:04:24,159 --> 01:04:25,592
The audience isn't
gonna be there.
1509
01:04:25,694 --> 01:04:26,592
Shut up! Shut up!
1510
01:04:26,695 --> 01:04:27,593
I won't make any money.
1511
01:04:27,696 --> 01:04:28,594
Shut up!
You disgust me!
1512
01:04:28,697 --> 01:04:30,562
I can't even look
at you, idiot!
1513
01:04:34,903 --> 01:04:36,336
It's hard, you know.
1514
01:04:36,438 --> 01:04:40,841
When he shares our most personal
details of our life together
1515
01:04:40,909 --> 01:04:43,343
with, you know,
millions of listeners, it's...
1516
01:04:45,714 --> 01:04:49,115
I wish that there were
more things that could be just ours.
1517
01:04:51,720 --> 01:04:54,621
But I think it's right that
I go crazy, you know?
1518
01:04:54,723 --> 01:04:58,625
You know, I think...
I don't know.
1519
01:04:58,727 --> 01:05:00,126
It's not simple.
1520
01:05:03,131 --> 01:05:07,932
Our entire Washington
radio audience has disappeared.
1521
01:05:08,003 --> 01:05:10,437
It seems the competition
has a disc jockey
1522
01:05:10,539 --> 01:05:14,703
that's caused a bit of a shift
in the listening patterns.
1523
01:05:14,776 --> 01:05:19,475
One disc jockey has wiped out
our entire audience?
1524
01:05:20,649 --> 01:05:21,946
Can we get him?
1525
01:05:23,252 --> 01:05:25,812
I've got such good news.
It's gonna blow your mind.
1526
01:05:25,888 --> 01:05:27,321
All right.
You go first.
1527
01:05:27,389 --> 01:05:29,823
OK. All right,
That's rude. You go first.
1528
01:05:29,892 --> 01:05:30,824
Go first.
1529
01:05:30,893 --> 01:05:32,326
OK. Listen to this.
1530
01:05:32,394 --> 01:05:34,362
I listen to radio.
I like show.
1531
01:05:34,429 --> 01:05:37,364
But don't make fun
of the Chinese people.
1532
01:05:37,432 --> 01:05:39,024
Make fun, not funny.
1533
01:05:39,134 --> 01:05:40,533
I didn't make fun
of the Chinese people, did I?
1534
01:05:40,602 --> 01:05:41,534
Probably.
1535
01:05:41,603 --> 01:05:43,764
I bring egg rolls.
1536
01:05:45,173 --> 01:05:48,108
What is your news?
What is it?
1537
01:05:48,176 --> 01:05:50,110
It's unbelievable.
1538
01:05:50,178 --> 01:05:53,170
I got a job offer today
from WNBC in New York.
1539
01:05:53,248 --> 01:05:56,684
Afternoon drive, the most powerful
radio station in their chain,
1540
01:05:56,785 --> 01:05:58,184
$150,000 a year.
1541
01:05:58,253 --> 01:06:00,687
And they said
if I do really well,
1542
01:06:00,789 --> 01:06:03,019
they're gonna syndicate
my program all over the country.
1543
01:06:03,091 --> 01:06:05,025
This is it.
This is everything I want.
1544
01:06:05,093 --> 01:06:07,926
It's like...
It's the dream, the Big Apple.
1545
01:06:07,996 --> 01:06:10,624
I'm pregnant.
1546
01:06:13,201 --> 01:06:14,828
You're pregnant?
1547
01:06:14,903 --> 01:06:16,564
Mm-hmm.
1548
01:06:20,008 --> 01:06:21,032
Come here.
1549
01:06:21,109 --> 01:06:22,041
What?
1550
01:06:22,110 --> 01:06:23,737
Come here.
Just come here.
1551
01:06:23,812 --> 01:06:25,074
Come here.
1552
01:06:25,180 --> 01:06:26,078
My God.
1553
01:06:26,181 --> 01:06:27,079
Pregnant?
1554
01:06:29,151 --> 01:06:30,448
So what's going on?
What's gonna happen?
1555
01:06:30,519 --> 01:06:31,451
Everything's good.
1556
01:06:31,520 --> 01:06:32,452
Yeah?
1557
01:06:32,521 --> 01:06:33,954
She's gonna
get naked?
1558
01:06:34,022 --> 01:06:35,455
Yeah, sure. Of course.
1559
01:06:35,524 --> 01:06:37,958
All right. Let's get her out.
Let's do it.
1560
01:06:38,026 --> 01:06:39,459
She'll get naked?
1561
01:06:39,528 --> 01:06:40,961
Yeah. That's why
we're here, man.
1562
01:06:42,664 --> 01:06:43,562
OK, honey.
1563
01:06:43,665 --> 01:06:45,098
Hi. How's it going?
1564
01:06:45,167 --> 01:06:47,567
- Oh, my God.
- This is Gary.
1565
01:06:47,669 --> 01:06:49,102
How you doing?
1566
01:06:49,171 --> 01:06:52,106
Good. I'm sorry. I know
I told you I'd do this,
1567
01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:53,573
but I've really
changed my mind.
1568
01:06:53,675 --> 01:06:55,108
I don't want to do it
anymore.
1569
01:06:55,177 --> 01:06:57,111
OK. What's, uh, like,
what's the problem?
1570
01:06:57,179 --> 01:06:59,113
What are you
worried about?
1571
01:06:59,181 --> 01:07:00,580
I just changed my mind.
1572
01:07:00,682 --> 01:07:02,115
Husband: What do you mean?
You are doing it.
1573
01:07:02,184 --> 01:07:04,118
We didn't drive here
for you to change your mind.
1574
01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:06,120
No. It's just very
humiliating to me.
1575
01:07:06,188 --> 01:07:07,120
What's humiliating?
1576
01:07:07,189 --> 01:07:08,281
It's not that big a deal.
1577
01:07:08,357 --> 01:07:10,120
We've done it a lot
on the show.
1578
01:07:10,192 --> 01:07:12,592
I think Howard would appreciate it
if you would do it for us.
1579
01:07:12,694 --> 01:07:15,060
No. I changed my mind,
and I'm really sorry.
1580
01:07:15,130 --> 01:07:18,065
I know I told you that I'd do it,
but I don't want to.
1581
01:07:18,133 --> 01:07:19,566
I think it's
very humiliating.
1582
01:07:19,601 --> 01:07:21,569
Husband: Honey, this is not humiliating.
This is show business.
1583
01:07:21,603 --> 01:07:23,571
You got a great body.
Let everybody see it.
1584
01:07:23,605 --> 01:07:25,072
Yeah. You're beautiful.
1585
01:07:25,140 --> 01:07:27,574
You're my husband. Don't make me do
something I don't want to do.
1586
01:07:27,609 --> 01:07:29,577
I'm proud of you,
and I want you to do it.
1587
01:07:29,611 --> 01:07:31,579
That's why we drove here
from Jersey.
1588
01:07:31,613 --> 01:07:33,581
What the hell is
this donkey here for?
1589
01:07:33,615 --> 01:07:35,583
Nobody told me anything
about a donkey.
1590
01:07:35,617 --> 01:07:36,743
It's a show business
donkey.
1591
01:07:36,818 --> 01:07:38,251
The donkey's not part
of the act.
1592
01:07:38,320 --> 01:07:39,753
It had nothing
to do with you.
1593
01:07:39,821 --> 01:07:41,755
You'll feel at ease
once we go do it.
1594
01:07:41,823 --> 01:07:43,256
It'll just
take 2 seconds.
1595
01:07:43,325 --> 01:07:45,088
Right now, I need to know,
are you doing it or not?
1596
01:07:45,160 --> 01:07:46,092
No, I'm not.
1597
01:07:46,161 --> 01:07:47,594
Honey, you are doing it.
1598
01:07:47,629 --> 01:07:50,097
I changed my mind. And you're
my husband. You should support me.
1599
01:07:50,165 --> 01:07:51,757
Howard goes to New York.
1600
01:07:51,833 --> 01:07:53,596
Thanks for nothing.
Gino, let the donkey go.
1601
01:07:53,635 --> 01:07:57,093
Come on, guys. Wrap it up.
They're not doing it.
1602
01:08:03,645 --> 01:08:04,839
# Let's dance #
1603
01:08:06,415 --> 01:08:08,110
# Put on your red shoes #
1604
01:08:08,183 --> 01:08:10,276
# And dance the blues #
1605
01:08:12,120 --> 01:08:13,587
# Let's dance #
1606
01:08:13,655 --> 01:08:19,560
# To the song they're
playing on the radio... #
1607
01:08:19,628 --> 01:08:22,563
Reporter: What you're about
to hear is going to shock you
1608
01:08:22,631 --> 01:08:24,496
because it's vulgar
and obscene.
1609
01:08:24,566 --> 01:08:27,865
It's x-rated radio,
barnyard radio.
1610
01:08:27,936 --> 01:08:30,734
You mommies and daddies out there
who complained to the radio station,
1611
01:08:30,806 --> 01:08:32,569
I got something
to say to you.
1612
01:08:32,641 --> 01:08:34,336
Here.
1613
01:08:34,409 --> 01:08:36,570
Reporter: This is a story
with a twist.
1614
01:08:36,645 --> 01:08:38,738
While we were producing
this report,
1615
01:08:38,814 --> 01:08:42,079
Howard Stern was lured away from
Washington by a New York City station.
1616
01:08:42,150 --> 01:08:45,586
That station,
you guessed it, is WNBC...
1617
01:08:48,490 --> 01:08:53,086
This person is coming here
to work at our flagship station?
1618
01:08:53,161 --> 01:08:55,595
Yes.
1619
01:08:55,664 --> 01:08:58,633
Brad, you gave this
trash-talking bastard a 3-year deal
1620
01:08:58,700 --> 01:09:00,167
without even hearing him
on the air?
1621
01:09:00,235 --> 01:09:01,167
Yes, Roger.
1622
01:09:01,236 --> 01:09:02,328
He's on the FCC's
most-wanted list.
1623
01:09:02,404 --> 01:09:03,393
Roger, his rate...
1624
01:09:03,505 --> 01:09:04,665
Chuck, will you show
him the numbers.
1625
01:09:04,706 --> 01:09:05,832
Through the roof.
1626
01:09:05,907 --> 01:09:07,340
No, no. Don't bother.
1627
01:09:07,409 --> 01:09:10,037
You're fired,
all of you. Get out.
1628
01:09:13,381 --> 01:09:14,473
Get out!
1629
01:09:28,630 --> 01:09:31,064
You know,
unless he quits,
1630
01:09:31,133 --> 01:09:34,068
it's gonna cost half
a million dollars
1631
01:09:34,136 --> 01:09:35,933
to buy
Stern's contract out.
1632
01:09:36,004 --> 01:09:38,370
I reject that
on principle.
1633
01:09:38,440 --> 01:09:42,570
Uh, Mr. Erlick,
if I may?
1634
01:09:43,745 --> 01:09:45,679
Put me in charge
of the Stern show.
1635
01:09:45,747 --> 01:09:47,681
Let me ride herd on him,
1636
01:09:47,749 --> 01:09:50,718
and I'll mold that son of a bitch
into another Don Imus.
1637
01:09:50,752 --> 01:09:52,083
When I'm through
whipping him,
1638
01:09:52,154 --> 01:09:55,351
that boy will be asking
permission to wipe his ass.
1639
01:09:55,423 --> 01:09:56,447
You want to tame him?
1640
01:09:56,558 --> 01:09:58,492
Well,
either I'll tame him,
1641
01:09:58,560 --> 01:10:00,551
or I'll make him
so crazy...
1642
01:10:00,662 --> 01:10:01,754
he'll quit.
1643
01:10:01,830 --> 01:10:04,924
So either way,
we win.
1644
01:10:06,234 --> 01:10:08,634
I'll tell you,
these halls are, like,
1645
01:10:08,703 --> 01:10:10,136
you know, uh,
legendary.
1646
01:10:10,205 --> 01:10:11,399
It's pretty wild.
1647
01:10:11,473 --> 01:10:12,633
Kenny. Howard Stern.
1648
01:10:12,707 --> 01:10:13,969
Hi. Hey,
How you doing?
1649
01:10:14,042 --> 01:10:14,906
Howard!
1650
01:10:14,976 --> 01:10:16,204
Great to meet you.
1651
01:10:16,278 --> 01:10:18,212
Oh, it is such a pleasure
to meet you, Howard.
1652
01:10:18,280 --> 01:10:20,544
What can I say?
This is unbelievable, you know.
1653
01:10:20,615 --> 01:10:23,049
Kenny is the hottest
young programmer in New York City.
1654
01:10:23,118 --> 01:10:25,916
Howard, you gotta listen
to this man 'cause he's a genius.
1655
01:10:25,987 --> 01:10:27,648
Come on, now.
Ha ha ha ha.
1656
01:10:27,722 --> 01:10:28,654
Play nice.
1657
01:10:28,723 --> 01:10:30,054
Kenny: Thanks, man.
God bless.
1658
01:10:30,125 --> 01:10:31,558
Good seeing you.
I'll see you later.
1659
01:10:31,626 --> 01:10:32,615
He's terrific.
1660
01:10:32,727 --> 01:10:33,989
Oh, yeah,
he's been terrific.
1661
01:10:34,062 --> 01:10:35,495
Everyone's been so nice.
It's a good feeling.
1662
01:10:35,564 --> 01:10:37,498
Howard, how about
you have a seat?
1663
01:10:37,566 --> 01:10:40,126
Oh, Howard, Howard,
Howard, Howard, Howard.
1664
01:10:42,037 --> 01:10:45,063
Howard... the way
we work here at NBC...
1665
01:10:45,140 --> 01:10:48,576
is a more professional manner
than you're probably used to.
1666
01:10:48,643 --> 01:10:52,340
Now, see, I don't care about
what you did down in Washington,
1667
01:10:52,414 --> 01:10:54,348
'cause that's
chickenshit radio.
1668
01:10:54,416 --> 01:10:57,476
Here at NBC,
this is real radio.
1669
01:10:57,552 --> 01:10:59,986
And the first thing
you've gotta do
1670
01:11:00,055 --> 01:11:02,819
is say the call letters
properly, OK?
1671
01:11:02,891 --> 01:11:06,327
Now, I'm gonna teach you
how to say them, all right?
1672
01:11:06,394 --> 01:11:08,658
And you know,
I hope you can get them,
1673
01:11:08,730 --> 01:11:11,096
because, see, you don't
have a real good voice
1674
01:11:11,166 --> 01:11:12,633
like lmus or Captain Frank
or nothing,
1675
01:11:12,701 --> 01:11:14,566
so we're gonna
have to practice it.
1676
01:11:14,636 --> 01:11:16,069
Well...
1677
01:11:16,137 --> 01:11:18,833
you mean practice
in here now?
1678
01:11:18,907 --> 01:11:22,570
You're not going to get bashful
on me now, are you, Howard?
1679
01:11:22,644 --> 01:11:24,043
OK, you ready?
1680
01:11:24,112 --> 01:11:26,444
The way it's said
properly is...
1681
01:11:27,916 --> 01:11:31,352
W N BC.
1682
01:11:33,855 --> 01:11:35,220
This is key.
1683
01:11:35,290 --> 01:11:36,552
Come on.
1684
01:11:36,625 --> 01:11:38,388
W N BC.
1685
01:11:38,460 --> 01:11:39,392
No. No.
1686
01:11:39,461 --> 01:11:41,019
It's gotta be more
like this.
1687
01:11:41,096 --> 01:11:42,290
Listen up.
1688
01:11:42,364 --> 01:11:44,332
W N BC.
1689
01:11:44,399 --> 01:11:45,832
You hear that?
1690
01:11:45,867 --> 01:11:48,131
Kinda lift,
that N BC.
1691
01:11:48,203 --> 01:11:50,637
W N BC.
1692
01:11:50,705 --> 01:11:53,401
W N BC.
1693
01:11:53,475 --> 01:11:54,669
Wider and kind of...
1694
01:11:54,743 --> 01:11:55,675
W N BC.
1695
01:11:55,744 --> 01:11:56,676
One more.
1696
01:11:56,745 --> 01:11:58,178
In my mind,
I'm hearing...
1697
01:11:58,246 --> 01:12:00,111
It sounds like I'm saying
exactly what you're saying.
1698
01:12:00,181 --> 01:12:01,113
No. Actually...
1699
01:12:01,182 --> 01:12:02,308
W N BC.
1700
01:12:02,384 --> 01:12:03,749
You've gotta
listen to Imus.
1701
01:12:03,818 --> 01:12:06,252
Imus does it
perfectly.
1702
01:12:06,321 --> 01:12:09,256
Tell you what. I'm gonna take you
down to lmus' office right now,
1703
01:12:09,324 --> 01:12:11,588
and you're gonna hear how he does it.
Come on, boy.
1704
01:12:11,660 --> 01:12:13,093
- You know, I...
- Come on.
1705
01:12:13,161 --> 01:12:14,594
I gotta tell you
something, Kenny.
1706
01:12:14,663 --> 01:12:16,528
I always saw myself sort of
something different than lmus.
1707
01:12:16,598 --> 01:12:18,031
That's why
you hired me.
1708
01:12:18,099 --> 01:12:20,533
You are original. You are original,
but...
1709
01:12:20,602 --> 01:12:22,536
You say a lot
of offensive things,
1710
01:12:22,604 --> 01:12:24,538
and occasionally
you are real funny,
1711
01:12:24,606 --> 01:12:27,040
but you've got to learn
to do what Imus does.
1712
01:12:27,108 --> 01:12:29,633
See, he doesn't actually
say the bad thing himself.
1713
01:12:29,744 --> 01:12:31,177
He says it
through a character.
1714
01:12:31,246 --> 01:12:32,679
Yeah, well,
I don't do character...
1715
01:12:32,747 --> 01:12:35,682
How about you go on
the air 3 A.M. This morning,
1716
01:12:35,750 --> 01:12:37,183
show us some characters.
OK?
1717
01:12:37,252 --> 01:12:39,618
Good. Now,
I'm gonna go in there
1718
01:12:39,688 --> 01:12:42,782
and just see how he's feeling.
You stay here. OK?
1719
01:12:44,192 --> 01:12:45,591
Mr. Imus?
1720
01:12:48,863 --> 01:12:50,023
Howard: Back then,
1721
01:12:50,098 --> 01:12:52,464
Don lmus was the number one
disc jockey in New York,
1722
01:12:52,534 --> 01:12:54,229
so I guess I was kind of
curious to meet him.
1723
01:12:54,302 --> 01:12:55,269
Imus: You are
interrupting me.
1724
01:12:55,337 --> 01:12:57,737
Kenny: I have, uh,
Howard Stern outside.
1725
01:12:57,806 --> 01:12:58,830
You have who outside?
1726
01:12:58,940 --> 01:13:00,407
The young man
from Washington that we...
1727
01:13:00,475 --> 01:13:02,409
You have Howard Stern
outside my fucking office?
1728
01:13:02,477 --> 01:13:04,604
How did Howard Stern
get outside my fucking office?
1729
01:13:04,679 --> 01:13:05,941
I brought him down...
1730
01:13:06,047 --> 01:13:07,878
Well, I'm not gonna meet
that stupid fuck. He's nothing.
1731
01:13:09,384 --> 01:13:10,351
Fuck off!
1732
01:13:13,121 --> 01:13:14,035
# 66 #
1733
01:13:14,036 --> 01:13:14,949
# 66 #
1734
01:13:15,056 --> 01:13:18,492
# WNBC #
1735
01:13:18,560 --> 01:13:20,027
Hello. I'm Robin Quivers,
1736
01:13:20,128 --> 01:13:23,120
and it's my great pleasure
to introduce you
1737
01:13:23,231 --> 01:13:25,461
to New York's
newest disc jockey.
1738
01:13:25,533 --> 01:13:27,967
Howard, Lisping:
Ooo-ey, that's me.
1739
01:13:28,036 --> 01:13:30,732
Hi. I'm Lance Eluxina
on W N BC.
1740
01:13:30,805 --> 01:13:31,737
WNBC.
1741
01:13:31,806 --> 01:13:33,137
I'm so excited
1742
01:13:33,208 --> 01:13:35,972
because I am New York's
first ever gay disc jockey.
1743
01:13:36,044 --> 01:13:36,976
Ever!
1744
01:13:37,045 --> 01:13:38,876
And now I want to
introduce to you...
1745
01:13:38,947 --> 01:13:39,936
This is
so exciting...
1746
01:13:40,048 --> 01:13:41,037
I want to introduce
to you
1747
01:13:41,149 --> 01:13:43,208
someone so marvelous,
so wonderful to me,
1748
01:13:43,284 --> 01:13:44,512
someone who
has supported me,
1749
01:13:44,586 --> 01:13:46,713
is my life mate,
my soul mate, my love mate.
1750
01:13:46,788 --> 01:13:49,450
He's everything and anything
to me, Mr. Blackswell.
1751
01:13:49,524 --> 01:13:50,957
Willkommen. Bienvenue.
1752
01:13:50,992 --> 01:13:53,984
Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so lovely
to see you here today.
1753
01:13:54,095 --> 01:13:55,426
Hi, Mr. Engineer. Hi.
1754
01:13:55,497 --> 01:13:58,295
Mmm. Give me
a kiss. Mmm!
1755
01:13:58,366 --> 01:14:00,732
You two are just
adorable together,
1756
01:14:00,802 --> 01:14:03,270
and it's a wonderful thing
to have you here,
1757
01:14:03,338 --> 01:14:05,829
but I understand there's
already been a problem?
1758
01:14:05,940 --> 01:14:06,964
Yes. You know
about this?
1759
01:14:07,075 --> 01:14:08,633
I was in the program
director's office.
1760
01:14:08,743 --> 01:14:09,801
His name
is Pig Vomit.
1761
01:14:09,911 --> 01:14:11,310
Yes, because he
looks like a pig,
1762
01:14:11,379 --> 01:14:12,573
and he makes you
want to vomit.
1763
01:14:12,647 --> 01:14:13,579
He's Pig Vomit.
1764
01:14:13,648 --> 01:14:14,876
Anyway, Pig Vomit
says to me,
1765
01:14:14,949 --> 01:14:16,644
"This is not WNBC.
1766
01:14:16,718 --> 01:14:20,119
It is W N BC,
W N BC,"
1767
01:14:20,188 --> 01:14:21,883
and I was not saying
the call letters right.
1768
01:14:21,956 --> 01:14:23,218
It's a big problem,
1769
01:14:23,291 --> 01:14:25,555
so in order
to rectify this,
1770
01:14:25,627 --> 01:14:27,857
I brought in a cup
of Blackswell's semen.
1771
01:14:27,929 --> 01:14:29,521
Semen?
1772
01:14:29,597 --> 01:14:30,825
I squoze it myself.
1773
01:14:30,899 --> 01:14:32,491
I hope it's
not too tangy.
1774
01:14:32,567 --> 01:14:33,556
And what are you
gonna do with it?
1775
01:14:33,668 --> 01:14:35,135
I'm gonna gargle
with this
1776
01:14:35,203 --> 01:14:36,932
and say the call letters over
and over again until I get it right.
1777
01:14:37,005 --> 01:14:38,233
You think
that'll work?
1778
01:14:38,306 --> 01:14:40,604
I don't care, 'cause I love
the taste of a man. Ooga.
1779
01:14:42,410 --> 01:14:43,809
All right, if I could
have some music now.
1780
01:14:43,878 --> 01:14:45,846
Mr. Engineer, please,
some music.
1781
01:14:45,914 --> 01:14:48,041
Would you, please?
Would you give us a record,
1782
01:14:48,116 --> 01:14:49,048
por favor?
1783
01:14:50,318 --> 01:14:52,013
OK, thank you.
1784
01:14:52,053 --> 01:14:54,453
Now watch and learn.
1785
01:14:54,522 --> 01:14:56,251
# La la la
la la la #
1786
01:15:02,230 --> 01:15:03,219
There she blows.
1787
01:15:06,234 --> 01:15:08,725
Oh. Can you believe it?
1788
01:15:08,837 --> 01:15:10,202
You just swallowed.
1789
01:15:10,271 --> 01:15:11,829
I swallowed.
Oh, my God.
1790
01:15:11,940 --> 01:15:13,498
Waste not,
want not, Robin.
1791
01:15:13,575 --> 01:15:14,837
Oh!
1792
01:15:14,909 --> 01:15:19,278
I wanna say I love
W N BC.
1793
01:15:19,347 --> 01:15:20,609
See? It worked.
I can say it.
1794
01:15:20,682 --> 01:15:22,616
W N BC.
1795
01:15:25,453 --> 01:15:27,648
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
1796
01:15:27,722 --> 01:15:29,349
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
1797
01:15:29,424 --> 01:15:31,358
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
1798
01:15:31,426 --> 01:15:32,950
Record:
# Stop it now... #
1799
01:15:35,630 --> 01:15:38,827
So we gave them
some characters, right?
1800
01:15:42,437 --> 01:15:43,369
Get in.
1801
01:15:51,446 --> 01:15:54,074
You goddamn
motherfuckers.
1802
01:15:54,115 --> 01:15:55,639
You fucking waltz
in here,
1803
01:15:55,750 --> 01:15:57,775
and you think you know
everything, don't you?
1804
01:15:57,886 --> 01:16:00,286
Well, I fucking worked
my fucking ass off
1805
01:16:00,355 --> 01:16:01,788
to get to
New York City,
1806
01:16:01,856 --> 01:16:03,221
and you sure as fuck
1807
01:16:03,291 --> 01:16:06,055
are not gonna fucking
blow it for me!
1808
01:16:06,127 --> 01:16:07,059
I was just
doing character...
1809
01:16:07,128 --> 01:16:08,060
Barry, Jerry,
1810
01:16:08,129 --> 01:16:10,427
clarify the situation
for him, please.
1811
01:16:10,498 --> 01:16:12,432
Page 108,
paragraph 3:
1812
01:16:12,500 --> 01:16:14,195
"No jokes dealing
with flatulence,
1813
01:16:14,269 --> 01:16:16,464
"excretion, urination,
ejaculation,
1814
01:16:16,538 --> 01:16:17,903
or other
bodily functions."
1815
01:16:17,972 --> 01:16:19,200
Also note paragraph 2:
1816
01:16:19,274 --> 01:16:21,071
"No use of the so-called
7 dirty words.
1817
01:16:21,142 --> 01:16:22,575
"These are cocksucker,
motherfucker,
1818
01:16:22,644 --> 01:16:24,771
fuck, shit, cunt,
cock, and pussy."
1819
01:16:24,846 --> 01:16:27,815
Now, from now on,
all your little bits
1820
01:16:27,916 --> 01:16:30,248
are gonna be under
2 minutes in duration,
1821
01:16:30,318 --> 01:16:33,754
and all scripts...
and I do mean all scripts...
1822
01:16:33,855 --> 01:16:35,618
require
my personal approval.
1823
01:16:35,690 --> 01:16:37,885
Welcome to NBC, Howard.
1824
01:16:37,959 --> 01:16:39,674
# 66, WNBC #
1825
01:16:39,675 --> 01:16:41,390
# 66, WNBC #
1826
01:16:41,462 --> 01:16:45,159
It's time for
The Match Game.
1827
01:16:46,367 --> 01:16:48,164
And thank you,
Mr. Announcer.
1828
01:16:48,269 --> 01:16:51,102
Hi, everybody.
My name is Gene Sternburn,
1829
01:16:51,172 --> 01:16:54,107
and welcome
to Match Game.
1830
01:16:54,175 --> 01:16:55,904
We have a lot of excitement
in the air today
1831
01:16:55,977 --> 01:16:57,808
because we have
some great panelists.
1832
01:16:57,879 --> 01:16:59,813
Let me introduce you
to everybody.
1833
01:16:59,948 --> 01:17:01,506
First of all, I want to
introduce all of you
1834
01:17:01,616 --> 01:17:04,141
to a very, very charming
and beautiful lady,
1835
01:17:04,252 --> 01:17:06,049
the very beautiful
Miss Brett Somers.
1836
01:17:06,120 --> 01:17:07,052
How are you, baby?
1837
01:17:07,121 --> 01:17:08,349
Hi, Gene.
1838
01:17:08,423 --> 01:17:10,482
Hygiene, that's something
I don't think you have.
1839
01:17:10,592 --> 01:17:12,059
Hey, back off.
1840
01:17:12,126 --> 01:17:15,152
OK, and let's now go over
to somebody who I really admire,
1841
01:17:15,263 --> 01:17:17,788
the ex-president of
the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon.
1842
01:17:17,899 --> 01:17:19,298
Hello, everybody. Hello.
1843
01:17:19,367 --> 01:17:21,426
I'm very, very honored
right now
1844
01:17:21,536 --> 01:17:24,505
to introduce to all of you
a very special man.
1845
01:17:24,606 --> 01:17:27,074
He's come all the way
to our show for the first time.
1846
01:17:27,141 --> 01:17:29,609
Mr. Jackie "The Jokeman"
Martling.
1847
01:17:29,677 --> 01:17:31,372
Well, thank you, Gene.
That's very nice of you.
1848
01:17:31,479 --> 01:17:33,037
Let's play our game now,
OK? Shall we?
1849
01:17:33,147 --> 01:17:36,014
And what we're gonna do is ask you
to fill in the blank, OK?
1850
01:17:36,084 --> 01:17:37,984
Now, I want you
to listen carefully.
1851
01:17:38,052 --> 01:17:40,418
Our first clue up is...
1852
01:17:40,488 --> 01:17:42,183
blank willow.
1853
01:17:42,290 --> 01:17:44,224
Blank willow.
1854
01:17:45,760 --> 01:17:47,284
Let's go over to
Miss Brett Somers right now.
1855
01:17:47,395 --> 01:17:49,795
Now, Brett, what did you
have for us? Blank willow.
1856
01:17:49,864 --> 01:17:52,332
The only thing
on my mind, Gene,
1857
01:17:52,433 --> 01:17:53,365
was pussy.
1858
01:17:53,434 --> 01:17:55,197
Uh-oh.
1859
01:17:55,236 --> 01:17:56,965
Pussy. Hey, all right.
1860
01:17:57,071 --> 01:17:58,368
Hey, that's kind of wild.
1861
01:17:58,439 --> 01:18:00,066
Pussy willow, that's
what I would have said.
1862
01:18:00,174 --> 01:18:02,506
All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon,
former president of the United States.
1863
01:18:02,577 --> 01:18:04,010
What did you have?
Blank willow.
1864
01:18:04,078 --> 01:18:05,602
In any language, pussy.
1865
01:18:05,713 --> 01:18:07,578
All right!
1866
01:18:07,649 --> 01:18:09,014
Now let's go
to our newest member
1867
01:18:09,083 --> 01:18:10,311
of the panel,
1868
01:18:10,418 --> 01:18:14,354
Mr. Jackie "Jokeman"
Martling. Blank willow.
1869
01:18:14,455 --> 01:18:15,922
Well, Gene, I didn't
write it too neat,
1870
01:18:16,024 --> 01:18:17,491
so I have
a sloppy pussy.
1871
01:18:17,558 --> 01:18:18,957
Sloppy pussy!
1872
01:18:19,027 --> 01:18:21,257
We had a sloppy and a fuzzy
pussy and a very big one.
1873
01:18:21,329 --> 01:18:22,796
Are we talking
about Brett again?
1874
01:18:22,864 --> 01:18:24,798
All right, now,
Let's keep going.
1875
01:18:24,866 --> 01:18:26,766
Now it's gonna get
a little rougher, OK?
1876
01:18:26,834 --> 01:18:28,131
Everybody ready?
1877
01:18:28,202 --> 01:18:30,727
Blank a-doodle-doo.
1878
01:18:30,838 --> 01:18:31,896
Blank a-doodle-doo.
1879
01:18:33,007 --> 01:18:34,269
Blank a-doodle-doo.
1880
01:18:34,375 --> 01:18:36,536
Think about that while
the celebrities are writing.
1881
01:18:36,644 --> 01:18:38,441
Here we are. Let's go over
to our Dick Nixon,
1882
01:18:38,513 --> 01:18:39,912
our own ex-president.
What do you got there, Dick?
1883
01:18:39,981 --> 01:18:42,506
Well, it takes a Dick to know
a cock, and that's what I wrote.
1884
01:18:42,617 --> 01:18:44,608
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
1885
01:18:44,719 --> 01:18:46,050
Now, that's what
I would have said.
1886
01:18:46,120 --> 01:18:47,678
That seemed
like the obvious answer.
1887
01:18:47,789 --> 01:18:49,313
OK, let's go to our own
Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling.
1888
01:18:49,424 --> 01:18:50,356
Jackie The Jokeman?
1889
01:18:50,425 --> 01:18:52,518
Gene, I have cock,
and I wrote it big.
1890
01:18:52,627 --> 01:18:53,958
I have a big cock.
1891
01:18:54,028 --> 01:18:56,496
Uh, I don't think you can
say "big cock" on the radio.
1892
01:18:56,564 --> 01:18:57,622
I think that's a no-no.
1893
01:18:57,732 --> 01:18:59,199
But I just said pussy.
1894
01:18:59,267 --> 01:19:00,234
Yeah, she
just said pussy.
1895
01:19:00,301 --> 01:19:02,599
Yes, pussy is OK.
It's the way he says it.
1896
01:19:02,670 --> 01:19:05,036
"Big cock" coming out of
your mouth sounds awfully dirty.
1897
01:19:05,106 --> 01:19:07,040
So I can't say
"big cock,"
1898
01:19:07,108 --> 01:19:09,076
but you can say "big cock
coming out of my mouth"?
1899
01:19:09,177 --> 01:19:10,644
- That's correct.
- That sucks.
1900
01:19:10,745 --> 01:19:14,112
Did you just say, "big cock
coming out of your mouth sucks"?
1901
01:19:14,182 --> 01:19:16,241
All right,
enough of this nonsense.
1902
01:19:16,317 --> 01:19:18,046
We gotta move
to Miss Brett Somers.
1903
01:19:18,152 --> 01:19:20,416
Just like the boys,
Gene, I've got cock.
1904
01:19:20,488 --> 01:19:22,820
There it is, cock-a-doo...
do me a favor
1905
01:19:22,890 --> 01:19:24,983
and hold that up
so I can see your cock.
1906
01:19:25,093 --> 01:19:27,391
Aw, Gene, don't
have...
1907
01:19:27,462 --> 01:19:30,090
All right, there it is.
Cock, cock, cock.
1908
01:19:30,198 --> 01:19:33,133
I must tell you, though,
we have to end this fun right now.
1909
01:19:33,201 --> 01:19:35,032
I want to thank all of you.
Give yourselves a big hand.
1910
01:19:39,107 --> 01:19:41,974
OK, let's have
a little music, Phil.
1911
01:19:42,043 --> 01:19:45,103
You did not have permission
to do that bit.
1912
01:19:45,213 --> 01:19:47,272
I never approved that script,
God damn it, Howard!
1913
01:19:47,348 --> 01:19:49,339
Wait a second.
Calm down, OK, Kenny?
1914
01:19:49,450 --> 01:19:50,815
There's a perfectly
good explanation.
1915
01:19:50,885 --> 01:19:52,614
I'm all ears, Howard.
Let's hear it.
1916
01:19:52,720 --> 01:19:55,314
I gave the script
to Fred.
1917
01:19:55,423 --> 01:19:57,891
And I gave it to Robin over there.
1918
01:19:57,992 --> 01:20:00,893
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry, Kenny.
1919
01:20:00,962 --> 01:20:02,088
I forgot to put it
in your box.
1920
01:20:02,196 --> 01:20:03,686
There you go.
Perfectly good explanation.
1921
01:20:03,798 --> 01:20:05,766
It'll never happen again,
Kenny.
1922
01:20:05,867 --> 01:20:08,597
You're goddamn right she's never
gonna do it again. You're fired.
1923
01:20:08,669 --> 01:20:09,693
What?
1924
01:20:09,804 --> 01:20:11,863
Gather your things together,
Robin. Let's go.
1925
01:20:11,973 --> 01:20:13,873
Wait a second, Kenny.
What are you talking about?
1926
01:20:13,941 --> 01:20:15,533
She had nothing
to do with the bit.
1927
01:20:15,643 --> 01:20:16,667
It was all me.
1928
01:20:16,778 --> 01:20:18,006
Pack up your shit.
I'm not kidding. Let's go.
1929
01:20:18,112 --> 01:20:20,307
Kenny, you can't blame
someone over one lousy bit.
1930
01:20:20,381 --> 01:20:21,609
You can't go firing them.
1931
01:20:21,716 --> 01:20:24,207
Oh, yes, I can, Howard.
1932
01:20:24,318 --> 01:20:25,808
Robin, get the fuck out!
1933
01:20:25,920 --> 01:20:27,751
#... A boy could give you #
1934
01:20:27,822 --> 01:20:29,255
# Take my tears and... #
1935
01:20:29,323 --> 01:20:30,688
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
1936
01:20:30,758 --> 01:20:32,521
If you give me
a couple of days,
1937
01:20:32,593 --> 01:20:34,117
I know I can get you
back on the air.
1938
01:20:34,228 --> 01:20:35,593
Forget it.
1939
01:20:35,663 --> 01:20:37,358
They're trying to break us apart.
They're trying to beat us.
1940
01:20:37,465 --> 01:20:39,399
That's the whole point.
You and Fred should quit,
1941
01:20:39,500 --> 01:20:40,831
and we should go
somewhere else.
1942
01:20:40,902 --> 01:20:43,200
Quit? If I quit,
they win.
1943
01:20:43,271 --> 01:20:45,603
Don't you see? I don't want them to win.
I can't quit.
1944
01:20:45,673 --> 01:20:47,106
- You're not gonna quit?
- No.
1945
01:20:47,175 --> 01:20:48,870
You're gonna let 'em
throw me out like garbage?
1946
01:20:48,976 --> 01:20:51,001
No. I want to beat these guys,
stomp them into the ground.
1947
01:20:51,112 --> 01:20:53,103
The only way to do that
is to stay on the air.
1948
01:20:53,214 --> 01:20:54,374
I've gotta stay
on the air, Robin.
1949
01:20:54,482 --> 01:20:55,414
You're pathetic.
1950
01:20:55,483 --> 01:20:56,643
I'm not pathetic.
1951
01:20:56,751 --> 01:20:58,776
Just give me a couple of days
to make them understand.
1952
01:20:58,886 --> 01:21:00,547
I can convince these guys
to bring you back.
1953
01:21:00,655 --> 01:21:02,680
I know I can do that.
I have that ability.
1954
01:21:02,790 --> 01:21:04,087
Fuck you.
1955
01:21:04,158 --> 01:21:05,523
They're gonna hire you back.
How can you say "fuck you"?
1956
01:21:06,961 --> 01:21:08,690
Hey, move it,
asshole!
1957
01:21:08,796 --> 01:21:10,354
She hates me. She thinks
I'm total scum.
1958
01:21:10,431 --> 01:21:11,898
She thinks
I'm lower than scum.
1959
01:21:11,966 --> 01:21:14,332
She thinks you're
letting her take the fall.
1960
01:21:14,402 --> 01:21:15,801
Well, what do you think?
1961
01:21:17,772 --> 01:21:20,570
I think you've been loyal
to every person you've ever worked with.
1962
01:21:20,641 --> 01:21:22,541
That's the way you are,
you know?
1963
01:21:22,610 --> 01:21:24,669
You'll find a way
to get her back.
1964
01:21:26,280 --> 01:21:27,941
In fact,
I feel sorry for NBC,
1965
01:21:28,049 --> 01:21:29,448
because as soon
as you start in on them,
1966
01:21:29,550 --> 01:21:31,541
they're gonna be sorry they ever
fired her in the first place.
1967
01:21:31,652 --> 01:21:33,552
You're right.
1968
01:21:33,621 --> 01:21:34,952
I know.
1969
01:21:35,056 --> 01:21:40,358
Howard, Fred, I'd like you
to meet your new newsman,
1970
01:21:40,428 --> 01:21:41,918
Ross Buckingham.
1971
01:21:42,029 --> 01:21:43,826
Hi. Pleasure.
1972
01:21:43,898 --> 01:21:45,832
I'm looking forward
to joining the team.
1973
01:21:45,900 --> 01:21:47,629
Now, old Ross here's
quite lively,
1974
01:21:47,735 --> 01:21:48,827
and I think he'll
fit in well
1975
01:21:48,936 --> 01:21:50,062
with your special
brand of humor.
1976
01:21:50,171 --> 01:21:52,105
As a matter of fact,
1977
01:21:52,173 --> 01:21:55,267
I'm a bit of
an old comedy man myself.
1978
01:21:55,376 --> 01:21:58,436
I've done quite a bit
of light comedy in my younger years.
1979
01:21:58,546 --> 01:22:01,071
Summer stock... mostly.
1980
01:22:03,050 --> 01:22:06,213
Hundreds of people gathered
in Central Park this afternoon
1981
01:22:06,320 --> 01:22:08,288
to remember former Beatle
John Lennon,
1982
01:22:08,356 --> 01:22:11,052
who was murdered 2 years ago
today. Lennon's killer...
1983
01:22:11,158 --> 01:22:12,625
Hey, let me
ask you something, Ross.
1984
01:22:12,693 --> 01:22:14,160
Were you a Beatles fan?
1985
01:22:14,228 --> 01:22:17,925
Uh... y-yes,
I... I was, once.
1986
01:22:18,032 --> 01:22:20,466
Lennon's killer,
Mark David Chapman...
1987
01:22:20,501 --> 01:22:23,527
Now, Mark David Chapman, now,
there's a guy we gotta talk about, Ross.
1988
01:22:23,638 --> 01:22:25,503
Mark David Chapman,
what do you make of him?
1989
01:22:25,606 --> 01:22:28,473
I mean, he's probably in a prison cell
right now enjoying himself.
1990
01:22:28,509 --> 01:22:32,104
I say electrocute him. You gotta be
with that program, huh, Ross?
1991
01:22:32,213 --> 01:22:34,113
I hope this was a good idea.
1992
01:22:34,181 --> 01:22:36,615
Ross: Uh, I think
we're supposed
1993
01:22:36,684 --> 01:22:38,379
to be having
the news now.
1994
01:22:38,486 --> 01:22:40,283
Howard: Forget that.
Just repeat after me, Ross.
1995
01:22:40,354 --> 01:22:42,049
I want to kill
Mark David Chapman.
1996
01:22:43,724 --> 01:22:45,715
# 66 #
1997
01:22:45,826 --> 01:22:48,693
# WNBC #
1998
01:22:48,763 --> 01:22:50,458
Are we ready in there,
Freddy Boy?
1999
01:22:50,531 --> 01:22:52,795
OK. We've got our next
phone call to Ross.
2000
01:22:52,867 --> 01:22:54,164
Guess who's
on the phone with us.
2001
01:22:54,235 --> 01:22:55,725
I really have no idea.
2002
01:22:55,836 --> 01:22:58,600
Just take a wild guess.
Do it right off the top of your head.
2003
01:22:58,673 --> 01:23:00,470
Um...
2004
01:23:00,541 --> 01:23:02,270
This is a good one.
It's a good mystery guest.
2005
01:23:02,376 --> 01:23:04,367
Um...
2006
01:23:04,478 --> 01:23:06,412
What an ad-libber, Ross.
2007
01:23:06,480 --> 01:23:08,448
All right, I don't want to
put you under too much pressure.
2008
01:23:08,549 --> 01:23:09,846
Hi. Is this
Betty Jean Rushton?
2009
01:23:09,917 --> 01:23:10,884
Yes, it is.
2010
01:23:10,952 --> 01:23:12,544
Betty Jean, hi.
It's Howard Stern,
2011
01:23:12,653 --> 01:23:13,551
W N BC.
2012
01:23:13,654 --> 01:23:15,178
I work with
your husband Kenny.
2013
01:23:15,289 --> 01:23:17,120
Yes. Kenny's
mentioned you.
2014
01:23:17,191 --> 01:23:18,488
Oh, I bet Kenny has.
2015
01:23:18,559 --> 01:23:21,255
The reason I'm calling
is because your husband
2016
01:23:21,362 --> 01:23:23,489
has been very bitchy
around here lately,
2017
01:23:23,564 --> 01:23:26,658
and I'm thinking that maybe
if you gave him some more sex...
2018
01:23:26,767 --> 01:23:28,166
More sex?
2019
01:23:28,235 --> 01:23:30,703
Yeah. He's backed up.
Isn't he backed up, Ross?
2020
01:23:30,805 --> 01:23:33,899
Yes. You know, you might
be right about that, Howard.
2021
01:23:34,008 --> 01:23:35,407
Oh, really?
I am right.
2022
01:23:35,476 --> 01:23:36,978
Howard!
2023
01:23:37,111 --> 01:23:38,840
You ever do that again,
I'll kill you.
2024
01:23:38,913 --> 01:23:41,074
I need Robin.
She's the anchor on the show.
2025
01:23:41,148 --> 01:23:42,206
That's
what's missing.
2026
01:23:42,283 --> 01:23:43,580
You have violated
my wife.
2027
01:23:43,651 --> 01:23:44,583
I did not.
2028
01:23:44,652 --> 01:23:46,813
You soiled the sanctity
of my home!
2029
01:23:46,887 --> 01:23:48,445
What are you saying?
I didn't do anything.
2030
01:23:48,522 --> 01:23:49,750
I wouldn't even be
doing bits like that
2031
01:23:49,824 --> 01:23:51,257
if Robin was with me.
2032
01:23:51,325 --> 01:23:53,190
I never would have even
called his wife on the air
2033
01:23:53,260 --> 01:23:54,192
if I had Robin
sitting there.
2034
01:23:54,261 --> 01:23:55,489
She's the voice
of reason.
2035
01:23:55,563 --> 01:23:58,498
You know what?
You know what you are, Stern?
2036
01:23:58,566 --> 01:23:59,999
You're the Antichrist.
2037
01:24:00,067 --> 01:24:01,534
- What?
- Yes, that's what you are!
2038
01:24:01,602 --> 01:24:04,594
You are the motherfucking
Antichrist!
2039
01:24:04,672 --> 01:24:06,902
Kenny, take it easy.
2040
01:24:14,515 --> 01:24:17,006
Well, this is an exciting day
for us here in the studio
2041
01:24:17,084 --> 01:24:18,483
because we have a stage star
with us.
2042
01:24:18,552 --> 01:24:20,452
This is Donna Porter
with us on the show,
2043
01:24:20,521 --> 01:24:23,388
and she's here to talk
about life in the theater,
2044
01:24:23,457 --> 01:24:25,015
and, Donna, I don't know
if you know this,
2045
01:24:25,092 --> 01:24:27,185
but our own news guy
Ross Buckingham
2046
01:24:27,261 --> 01:24:29,923
actually has some theater experience
as well, don't you, Ross?
2047
01:24:29,997 --> 01:24:32,693
Do you want to tell us
about that?
2048
01:24:32,767 --> 01:24:35,600
Yes. Um... I once did
some summer stock.
2049
01:24:35,670 --> 01:24:36,932
I know you're very,
very proud
2050
01:24:37,004 --> 01:24:38,471
of your summer stock
experience.
2051
01:24:38,539 --> 01:24:39,870
When you went on stage
the very first time,
2052
01:24:39,940 --> 01:24:40,907
did you ever
get nervous?
2053
01:24:40,975 --> 01:24:44,968
No, I was...
quite comfortable.
2054
01:24:45,046 --> 01:24:46,707
Howard: I see.
That's very interesting.
2055
01:24:46,781 --> 01:24:48,214
Then, in 1926,
2056
01:24:48,282 --> 01:24:51,445
General Sarnoff
formed NBC radio,
2057
01:24:51,519 --> 01:24:53,146
America's first network.
2058
01:24:53,220 --> 01:24:56,246
I guess you could say
I was a little nervous
2059
01:24:56,323 --> 01:24:59,451
the first time I was ever
on stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.
2060
01:24:59,527 --> 01:25:00,994
Now, why is that?
2061
01:25:01,062 --> 01:25:02,654
Can I show you?
2062
01:25:04,131 --> 01:25:06,224
Sure. I think we'd like
to see what you have.
2063
01:25:06,300 --> 01:25:08,768
Right now, you're getting
a look at a live broadcast
2064
01:25:08,836 --> 01:25:09,894
of The Howard Stern
Show.
2065
01:25:09,970 --> 01:25:11,130
That's about 13 inches,
2066
01:25:11,205 --> 01:25:13,264
and you're licking
whipped cream off a kielbasa,
2067
01:25:13,340 --> 01:25:14,466
and you're putting it
in your mouth,
2068
01:25:14,542 --> 01:25:16,305
and you're jamming
the kielbasa
2069
01:25:16,377 --> 01:25:17,844
all the way down
your throat.
2070
01:25:17,912 --> 01:25:19,174
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
2071
01:25:19,246 --> 01:25:21,840
The entire kielbasa
is going down.
2072
01:25:21,916 --> 01:25:24,851
She has swallowed an entire
13-inch kielbasa.
2073
01:25:24,919 --> 01:25:28,411
Look at that.
A full 13 inches, ladies and gentlemen.
2074
01:25:28,489 --> 01:25:30,821
Wow. You gotta
love that, folks.
2075
01:25:30,891 --> 01:25:33,451
You gotta love it,
don't you, Ross? Ho ho.
2076
01:25:33,527 --> 01:25:35,495
Ross Buckingham,
have you ever seen a woman
2077
01:25:35,563 --> 01:25:37,531
swallow
an entire 13- inch kielbasa?
2078
01:25:37,598 --> 01:25:38,690
When you were
in the theater,
2079
01:25:38,799 --> 01:25:39,959
did you ever work
with a kielbasa?
2080
01:25:40,034 --> 01:25:41,524
What he did to me today
2081
01:25:41,602 --> 01:25:46,062
was the most unprofessional
and insulting experience of my life.
2082
01:25:46,140 --> 01:25:49,439
I hold you and this station
personally responsible.
2083
01:25:49,510 --> 01:25:51,774
If you want to fire me,
fire me. Go ahead.
2084
01:25:51,846 --> 01:25:54,815
But I refuse to work with
this man one minute longer.
2085
01:25:57,184 --> 01:25:58,310
Good day.
2086
01:25:59,920 --> 01:26:03,185
OK, it's 5:35 at W N BC.
2087
01:26:03,257 --> 01:26:04,224
Time for the news.
2088
01:26:04,291 --> 01:26:05,883
I'm not real good
at this, I confess,
2089
01:26:05,960 --> 01:26:08,155
but I'm trying...
2090
01:26:08,229 --> 01:26:10,197
Who the fuck
are we gonna get?
2091
01:26:10,264 --> 01:26:13,131
Beats me. No one wants
to work with him.
2092
01:26:13,200 --> 01:26:15,430
Is it Monaco or Mon aco?
2093
01:26:16,570 --> 01:26:18,401
Monaco?
2094
01:26:18,472 --> 01:26:20,463
That's what I thought.
Monaco.
2095
01:26:20,541 --> 01:26:21,838
Well, anyway, she's dead.
2096
01:26:21,909 --> 01:26:23,501
You know,
I'm thinking about...
2097
01:26:23,577 --> 01:26:25,374
What about Kelly Landers?
2098
01:26:25,446 --> 01:26:27,505
Absolutely refuses.
2099
01:26:27,581 --> 01:26:28,513
Says she'd rather quit.
2100
01:26:28,582 --> 01:26:30,345
I have a theory
that he is the one
2101
01:26:30,417 --> 01:26:31,941
who cut the brakes
on the car.
2102
01:26:32,019 --> 01:26:34,487
Now, I could be crazy, but I figure
a guy who's been married
2103
01:26:34,555 --> 01:26:37,456
as long as Prince Reindeer
is ready for a new wife.
2104
01:26:37,525 --> 01:26:39,516
I mean, Princess Grace...
beautiful woman and all that...
2105
01:26:39,593 --> 01:26:41,288
but she was losing
her looks. Let's be honest.
2106
01:26:41,362 --> 01:26:42,488
There were bags
under those eyes.
2107
01:26:42,563 --> 01:26:43,996
In other news,
2108
01:26:44,064 --> 01:26:46,726
One of Italy's
highest- ranking police officials,
2109
01:26:46,801 --> 01:26:48,769
General Alberto DeCarlo...
2110
01:26:48,836 --> 01:26:53,330
Kenny, we're one of the biggest
radio stations in America.
2111
01:26:53,407 --> 01:26:55,136
We can't just
not do the news.
2112
01:26:55,209 --> 01:26:56,836
My program director
Pig Vomit
2113
01:26:56,911 --> 01:27:00,108
gets assassinated
by Sicilians in Palermo.
2114
01:27:00,181 --> 01:27:01,614
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
2115
01:27:01,682 --> 01:27:03,445
I want to pray to God
right now.
2116
01:27:03,517 --> 01:27:05,144
Jesus Christ,
who I love so much,
2117
01:27:05,219 --> 01:27:06,652
more than anything
in the whole world,
2118
01:27:06,720 --> 01:27:08,779
I am begging you,
please...
2119
01:27:08,856 --> 01:27:11,381
send a hit man to
the United States of America
2120
01:27:11,458 --> 01:27:13,016
to kill Pig Vomit finally.
2121
01:27:13,093 --> 01:27:14,390
Thank you. I love you, God.
2122
01:27:14,461 --> 01:27:16,361
I'll do whatever you say
if you just make that come true.
2123
01:27:17,698 --> 01:27:20,792
# Howard Stern, WNBC #
2124
01:27:21,068 --> 01:27:24,595
So if we bring Robin back,
you'll behave?
2125
01:27:24,672 --> 01:27:26,902
Absolutely.
Robin's my anchor.
2126
01:27:26,974 --> 01:27:28,168
You can't trust him.
2127
01:27:28,242 --> 01:27:29,334
Kenny,
that's not fair.
2128
01:27:29,410 --> 01:27:32,743
And quite frankly,
I'm just a little bit hurt
2129
01:27:32,813 --> 01:27:35,907
that you're so incapable
of being supportive.
2130
01:27:35,983 --> 01:27:39,885
And, Vin, please, if
you hire Robin back,
2131
01:27:39,954 --> 01:27:41,546
I promise you
you won't be sorry.
2132
01:27:41,622 --> 01:27:43,089
You have my word.
2133
01:27:51,398 --> 01:27:52,330
Thank you.
2134
01:27:55,836 --> 01:27:57,895
We hate noise.
Isn't that right, Jerry?
2135
01:27:57,972 --> 01:27:59,405
Yeah. Makes me nuts.
2136
01:27:59,473 --> 01:28:00,906
No, it's
a very quiet street.
2137
01:28:00,975 --> 01:28:02,442
You're gonna like it here.
2138
01:28:03,744 --> 01:28:05,041
Excuse me for a second.
2139
01:28:06,413 --> 01:28:07,710
You're back.
I got you back.
2140
01:28:07,781 --> 01:28:08,839
It's a miracle
of all miracles.
2141
01:28:08,949 --> 01:28:10,211
I can't talk right now.
2142
01:28:10,284 --> 01:28:11,842
Oh, hello.
How are you?
2143
01:28:11,919 --> 01:28:13,944
I even got you an office.
You're all set.
2144
01:28:14,021 --> 01:28:15,420
I'm showing
my apartment now.
2145
01:28:15,489 --> 01:28:16,956
You're looking
at this apartment?
2146
01:28:17,024 --> 01:28:18,685
Let me tell you something.
There are roaches the size of dogs here.
2147
01:28:18,759 --> 01:28:20,192
- I don't advise you living here.
- Excuse me.
2148
01:28:20,261 --> 01:28:22,354
It is disgusting.
Take a look behind the fireplace.
2149
01:28:22,429 --> 01:28:24,488
You'll see. Excuse me.
I'll come back and tell you.
2150
01:28:24,565 --> 01:28:26,692
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
2151
01:28:26,767 --> 01:28:28,632
Robin, you got your job back,
so what's the problem?
2152
01:28:28,702 --> 01:28:30,727
The problem is that
when I needed you,
2153
01:28:30,804 --> 01:28:31,964
you didn't stand
behind me.
2154
01:28:32,039 --> 01:28:33,666
Robin, those guys are assholes.
They screwed you,
2155
01:28:33,741 --> 01:28:36,005
and they screwed me. We gotta
get back in there and beat them.
2156
01:28:36,076 --> 01:28:37,737
We were supposed
to be a team.
2157
01:28:37,811 --> 01:28:39,142
We are a team,
for God's sakes.
2158
01:28:39,213 --> 01:28:40,703
We're gonna be the greatest team
in the history of radio.
2159
01:28:42,049 --> 01:28:43,380
Come on.
What's the big deal?
2160
01:28:43,450 --> 01:28:46,749
Look at me, Robin.
Robin...
2161
01:28:46,820 --> 01:28:47,752
See this?
2162
01:28:47,821 --> 01:28:49,083
Look what I'm doing.
2163
01:28:49,156 --> 01:28:50,316
You know what I'm doing?
I'm begging you.
2164
01:28:50,391 --> 01:28:51,858
I'm begging you.
2165
01:28:51,926 --> 01:28:53,393
I'm serious.
2166
01:28:53,460 --> 01:28:54,825
Come here.
I'm gonna kiss your feet.
2167
01:28:54,895 --> 01:28:55,953
Look at these gams.
2168
01:28:56,030 --> 01:28:57,224
Look at these feet.
2169
01:28:57,298 --> 01:28:58,993
I'm worshipping your foot.
2170
01:28:59,066 --> 01:29:00,328
Look at me, Robin.
2171
01:29:00,401 --> 01:29:01,766
What are you doing?
2172
01:29:01,835 --> 01:29:02,961
People are looking
at us.
2173
01:29:03,037 --> 01:29:05,130
I'm begging you to...
I'm liking it down here.
2174
01:29:05,205 --> 01:29:07,036
Hey, Robin,
2175
01:29:07,107 --> 01:29:09,268
you love this,
don't you?
2176
01:29:09,343 --> 01:29:10,537
It gives me
great pleasure now
2177
01:29:10,611 --> 01:29:11,839
to welcome back
on our show
2178
01:29:11,912 --> 01:29:14,346
the very beautiful,
multitalented...
2179
01:29:14,415 --> 01:29:16,679
uh, vivacious...
2180
01:29:16,750 --> 01:29:18,411
tight-sweatered...
2181
01:29:18,485 --> 01:29:21,579
beautifully big-breasted
Robin Quivers. I love her.
2182
01:29:21,655 --> 01:29:23,350
Thank you.
2183
01:29:23,424 --> 01:29:25,619
May I say that you are
beautifully big- breasted again?
2184
01:29:25,693 --> 01:29:27,024
No.
2185
01:29:27,094 --> 01:29:29,528
Thank God you're back,
'cause the show sucked without you.
2186
01:29:29,596 --> 01:29:31,996
Actually, I just want to say
how much I really missed you and...
2187
01:29:32,066 --> 01:29:32,998
Aww.
2188
01:29:33,067 --> 01:29:34,193
That I really do love you,
2189
01:29:34,268 --> 01:29:35,929
and I'm just
so glad you're back.
2190
01:29:36,003 --> 01:29:38,301
OK there, Mr. Rushton,
2191
01:29:38,372 --> 01:29:42,240
You pick up the phone,
and it rings right into my booth.
2192
01:29:42,309 --> 01:29:43,867
Good, but don't
answer it.
2193
01:29:43,944 --> 01:29:46,640
Immediately disconnect
Stern's microphone,
2194
01:29:46,714 --> 01:29:48,841
dump out of the delay,
and go straight to a record.
2195
01:29:48,916 --> 01:29:50,042
That would be it,
sir.
2196
01:29:50,117 --> 01:29:53,211
Always have a record
ready to go.
2197
01:29:53,287 --> 01:29:54,777
Yes, sir.
2198
01:29:57,257 --> 01:30:00,522
This little puppy's finally
gonna get housebroken.
2199
01:30:00,661 --> 01:30:02,822
Oh, look at this, Robin.
This is unbelievable.
2200
01:30:02,896 --> 01:30:04,591
Oh, the underpants
are coming off.
2201
01:30:04,665 --> 01:30:07,930
That is the first naked lady
in the history of radio.
2202
01:30:07,968 --> 01:30:09,560
Sans panties, sans bra.
2203
01:30:09,636 --> 01:30:11,069
I am shocked.
2204
01:30:11,138 --> 01:30:12,571
So am I.
This is disgraceful.
2205
01:30:12,639 --> 01:30:13,663
We should be taken
off the air.
2206
01:30:13,774 --> 01:30:15,674
You've finally done it.
2207
01:30:15,743 --> 01:30:17,870
Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art.
Did you know that?
2208
01:30:17,945 --> 01:30:18,877
Thank you, Howard.
2209
01:30:18,946 --> 01:30:20,072
Let me tell you
something.
2210
01:30:20,147 --> 01:30:22,445
Now, to ensure our place
in the history of radio,
2211
01:30:22,516 --> 01:30:25,144
Mandy has agreed to actually
get on the floor with me
2212
01:30:25,219 --> 01:30:26,777
and give me a massage
while she is nude.
2213
01:30:26,854 --> 01:30:29,379
What does a massage have to do
with making it into history?
2214
01:30:29,456 --> 01:30:31,390
Who knows? I don't know.
Massage, schmas.
2215
01:30:31,458 --> 01:30:32,390
I just gotta
get touched.
2216
01:30:32,459 --> 01:30:33,551
I can't wait, Howard.
2217
01:30:33,627 --> 01:30:34,594
You can't wait?
2218
01:30:34,661 --> 01:30:35,753
Let me tell you something...
2219
01:30:35,829 --> 01:30:38,093
I'm not kidding around...
You are beautiful,
2220
01:30:38,165 --> 01:30:39,598
and my thoughts
are right in the gutter.
2221
01:30:39,666 --> 01:30:40,963
You understand what I mean?
2222
01:30:41,001 --> 01:30:42,195
This is the Tudor,
right?
2223
01:30:42,269 --> 01:30:44,100
Center hall plan,
very traditional.
2224
01:30:44,171 --> 01:30:45,365
Naked Woman: I've been
thinking about you, too.
2225
01:30:45,439 --> 01:30:48,636
Only reason it's for sale
is they're divorcing.
2226
01:30:48,709 --> 01:30:52,543
Would you believe 80%% %
of my listings are from divorces?
2227
01:30:52,613 --> 01:30:53,807
Howard: Mmm.
For God's sakes.
2228
01:30:53,881 --> 01:30:55,246
Now, what do you suggest
we do here?
2229
01:30:55,315 --> 01:30:58,978
Why don't you come lay
over here and get comfortable?
2230
01:30:59,019 --> 01:31:00,816
I could do that.
2231
01:31:00,888 --> 01:31:01,820
All right.
2232
01:31:01,889 --> 01:31:03,254
I can't believe
my luck here.
2233
01:31:03,323 --> 01:31:04,915
Don't hurt yourself
getting over there.
2234
01:31:04,992 --> 01:31:05,924
I won't.
2235
01:31:05,993 --> 01:31:07,119
All right,
hold on a second.
2236
01:31:07,194 --> 01:31:09,788
Let me get
my cans on.
2237
01:31:09,863 --> 01:31:10,795
OK.
2238
01:31:10,864 --> 01:31:12,695
Ooh, you know what?
You know... Oh, man.
2239
01:31:12,766 --> 01:31:13,698
Let me soak you in.
2240
01:31:13,767 --> 01:31:14,961
Holy cow,
are you naked.
2241
01:31:15,035 --> 01:31:16,195
You know what I like
about you?
2242
01:31:16,270 --> 01:31:17,202
What?
2243
01:31:17,271 --> 01:31:18,295
I like that you're
the perfect height.
2244
01:31:18,372 --> 01:31:19,304
I could have sex
with you standing up.
2245
01:31:19,373 --> 01:31:21,000
Look at that. Ooh.
2246
01:31:21,041 --> 01:31:23,771
Robin:
Howard! You're married.
2247
01:31:23,844 --> 01:31:25,368
I am? I mean, I am.
2248
01:31:25,446 --> 01:31:26,708
Well, I'm not really
married anymore.
2249
01:31:26,780 --> 01:31:27,747
What do you mean?
2250
01:31:27,848 --> 01:31:29,179
Take a seat. I'll
Tell you what happened.
2251
01:31:29,249 --> 01:31:31,410
My wife was suffering from cancer...
I never told you this...
2252
01:31:31,485 --> 01:31:32,417
and she died last night.
2253
01:31:32,486 --> 01:31:33,976
I've been single
for exactly 6 hours.
2254
01:31:34,054 --> 01:31:35,851
Honey, if you're
up there now,
2255
01:31:35,923 --> 01:31:37,857
I know you can hear me,
and you're at God's side,
2256
01:31:37,925 --> 01:31:40,189
but I want you to cover
your ears and eyes.
2257
01:31:40,260 --> 01:31:41,750
Besides, you're married
to God now...
2258
01:31:41,862 --> 01:31:43,796
Your husband's
quite a character.
2259
01:31:43,864 --> 01:31:47,425
Only on the radio.
It's just an act.
2260
01:31:47,501 --> 01:31:50,436
Oh, oh, that's nice. No one's ever
touched me like this before.
2261
01:31:50,504 --> 01:31:51,471
Let me ask you
something.
2262
01:31:51,538 --> 01:31:52,664
You have the look
of love in your eyes,
2263
01:31:52,739 --> 01:31:54,934
but I'm an ugly man.
I know this.
2264
01:31:55,008 --> 01:31:56,771
You couldn't be physically
attracted to me, could you?
2265
01:31:56,844 --> 01:31:58,402
Physically, I am.
2266
01:31:58,479 --> 01:32:00,845
I mean, you're smart,
you're sexy.
2267
01:32:00,914 --> 01:32:02,882
Wait. Excuse me
for one minute. Robin...
2268
01:32:02,950 --> 01:32:04,076
I didn't say a thing.
2269
01:32:04,184 --> 01:32:07,153
Robin, go up to the cafeteria
and get some lunch.
2270
01:32:07,221 --> 01:32:08,449
Yeah, go ahead.
Tell me more about me.
2271
01:32:08,522 --> 01:32:09,546
You're funny.
2272
01:32:09,623 --> 01:32:12,387
You know what I would
do to you physically?
2273
01:32:12,459 --> 01:32:13,756
What would you do?
2274
01:32:13,827 --> 01:32:15,795
I don't know what I'd do,
but let me just say something.
2275
01:32:15,896 --> 01:32:17,864
Whatever it is,
it would last 3 seconds.
2276
01:32:17,965 --> 01:32:19,364
3 seconds,
I'd be finished.
2277
01:32:19,433 --> 01:32:22,402
We would have sex, like,
10 times a day. You would love it.
2278
01:32:22,469 --> 01:32:24,664
I kind of want to
wrap my legs around you.
2279
01:32:24,738 --> 01:32:25,670
You do?
2280
01:32:29,076 --> 01:32:31,636
The average radio listener
listens for 18 minutes.
2281
01:32:31,712 --> 01:32:32,679
Mm-hmm.
2282
01:32:32,779 --> 01:32:34,713
The average Howard Stern fan
listens for...
2283
01:32:34,781 --> 01:32:36,009
are you ready for this?
2284
01:32:36,083 --> 01:32:37,914
An hour and 20 minutes.
2285
01:32:37,985 --> 01:32:39,111
How can that be?
2286
01:32:39,186 --> 01:32:40,619
Answer
most commonly given:
2287
01:32:40,687 --> 01:32:43,121
"I want to see
what he'll say next."
2288
01:32:43,190 --> 01:32:44,623
All right, OK, fine.
2289
01:32:44,691 --> 01:32:46,750
But what about the people
who hate Stern?
2290
01:32:46,827 --> 01:32:48,818
Good point.
The average Stern hater...
2291
01:32:48,929 --> 01:32:51,762
listens for
21/2 hours a day.
2292
01:32:54,601 --> 01:32:56,569
Look, but if they hate him,
2293
01:32:56,637 --> 01:32:57,968
why do they listen?
2294
01:32:58,038 --> 01:32:59,096
Most common answer:
2295
01:32:59,139 --> 01:33:01,039
"I want to see
what he'll say next."
2296
01:33:01,108 --> 01:33:02,939
- Kenny.
- Fucking twisted. What?
2297
01:33:03,010 --> 01:33:05,137
You'd better listen to this.
2298
01:33:05,245 --> 01:33:06,712
Howard: This is nice.
You wanna know something?
2299
01:33:06,780 --> 01:33:08,213
This is
the God's honest truth.
2300
01:33:08,282 --> 01:33:09,681
Come here.
I want to tell you closer.
2301
01:33:09,750 --> 01:33:13,151
I am fully aroused right now.
I am totally engorged.
2302
01:33:13,253 --> 01:33:14,117
Oh, my God.
2303
01:33:14,154 --> 01:33:15,416
Naked Woman:
Well, after the show,
2304
01:33:15,489 --> 01:33:18,322
why don't we go someplace else
and see how it feels?
2305
01:33:18,392 --> 01:33:19,859
Really? That's great.
2306
01:33:19,960 --> 01:33:21,427
You know why I love you?
'Cause you're smart.
2307
01:33:21,528 --> 01:33:23,758
- And you're practically a virgin, right?
2308
01:33:23,830 --> 01:33:25,491
Practically.
2309
01:33:25,566 --> 01:33:28,296
You have a sharp ass.
2310
01:33:28,368 --> 01:33:30,268
I'm gonna be so honest
with you now.
2311
01:33:30,337 --> 01:33:31,964
- I've never said this before.
2312
01:33:32,039 --> 01:33:33,768
I'm telling you,
I'm a full 21/2 inches,
2313
01:33:33,840 --> 01:33:35,967
and I've never been 21/2...
What's the music?
2314
01:33:36,043 --> 01:33:37,271
We're off the air.
2315
01:33:37,344 --> 01:33:39,278
Are we off the air?
2316
01:33:39,346 --> 01:33:42,713
Oh. Would you do me a favor?
Just stay right there, OK?
2317
01:33:42,783 --> 01:33:44,580
What the hell's going on?
What are you doing, man?
2318
01:33:44,651 --> 01:33:46,243
Look, Rushton told me,
this phone...
2319
01:33:46,320 --> 01:33:49,118
Oh, come on, man.
Don't listen to Kenny.
2320
01:33:49,189 --> 01:33:50,451
I'm just doing what
he told me, that's all.
2321
01:33:50,524 --> 01:33:51,957
Shit, man, you don't
take me off the air
2322
01:33:52,025 --> 01:33:52,992
in the middle
of a fucking bit.
2323
01:33:53,060 --> 01:33:54,084
Come on.
Don't listen to Kenny.
2324
01:33:54,161 --> 01:33:55,185
You're supposed
to listen to me.
2325
01:33:55,295 --> 01:33:56,319
He's the boss.
2326
01:33:56,396 --> 01:33:59,160
Forget it.
You believe this?
2327
01:33:59,199 --> 01:34:00,461
What the hell
are they doing?
2328
01:34:02,603 --> 01:34:03,695
Yeah, hi.
Can I speak to Kenny?
2329
01:34:03,770 --> 01:34:05,738
It's Howard over
in the air studio.
2330
01:34:05,839 --> 01:34:06,806
Just hold the line.
2331
01:34:06,907 --> 01:34:07,896
As soon
as they get him on,
2332
01:34:08,008 --> 01:34:08,940
just keep him on the line.
2333
01:34:09,009 --> 01:34:10,340
Fred, get me back
on the air.
2334
01:34:10,410 --> 01:34:12,605
Just patch the phone call
onto the air, OK?
2335
01:34:12,679 --> 01:34:15,079
Just put it right through
as soon as you can.
2336
01:34:15,148 --> 01:34:16,308
Fuck, man.
2337
01:34:16,383 --> 01:34:19,784
# Oh, the canvas
can do miracles #
2338
01:34:19,853 --> 01:34:20,911
# Just you wait and see... #
2339
01:34:20,988 --> 01:34:22,649
Patch it in.
2340
01:34:22,723 --> 01:34:24,190
I said patch it in!
2341
01:34:28,028 --> 01:34:30,189
Yes, Robin, he's
running in right now.
2342
01:34:30,230 --> 01:34:32,357
Can I have the phone, please,
just for a second?
2343
01:34:32,432 --> 01:34:33,956
Hi, Robin.
We back on the air?
2344
01:34:34,067 --> 01:34:35,227
Robin: Yeah.
Everybody can hear.
2345
01:34:35,302 --> 01:34:36,792
OK, I'm right outside
Pig Vomit's office.
2346
01:34:36,903 --> 01:34:37,995
I'm gonna knock
on his door.
2347
01:34:38,071 --> 01:34:39,003
All right.
2348
01:34:39,072 --> 01:34:40,505
Hey, Pig Vomit.
2349
01:34:40,574 --> 01:34:42,405
Come on, Kenny.
Why don't you open up?
2350
01:34:42,476 --> 01:34:44,808
I want to know why
this guy had to cut my show off.
2351
01:34:44,878 --> 01:34:46,038
Come on, Pig Vomit.
2352
01:34:46,113 --> 01:34:47,307
Mr. Stern,
he's in a meeting.
2353
01:34:47,381 --> 01:34:48,473
I'd like to know
what meeting
2354
01:34:48,548 --> 01:34:49,708
is more important
than my show.
2355
01:34:49,783 --> 01:34:51,080
He took the show
right off the air.
2356
01:34:51,151 --> 01:34:53,449
What'd you take the show
off the air for, Pig Vomit? Huh?
2357
01:34:53,520 --> 01:34:55,112
This isn't funny, Howard.
2358
01:34:55,188 --> 01:34:56,120
Oh, it's not funny?
2359
01:34:56,189 --> 01:34:57,520
What are you
talking about?
2360
01:34:57,591 --> 01:34:58,615
I think
it's very funny.
2361
01:34:58,692 --> 01:34:59,681
How would you know
what's funny, anyway?
2362
01:34:59,793 --> 01:35:01,920
You're not bringing
that in here, Stern.
2363
01:35:01,995 --> 01:35:03,622
I don't see anybody
in here in a meeting, do you?
2364
01:35:03,697 --> 01:35:04,629
You gotta go.
2365
01:35:04,698 --> 01:35:05,630
Why would I have to go?
2366
01:35:05,699 --> 01:35:07,257
Why don't you explain
to my audience
2367
01:35:07,367 --> 01:35:08,334
why you had to
shut down the show?
2368
01:35:08,435 --> 01:35:09,925
I don't answer
to you, Stern.
2369
01:35:10,037 --> 01:35:11,732
Yes, you do,
you big idiot scumbag.
2370
01:35:11,805 --> 01:35:13,932
I'm your boss.
I'm your boss.
2371
01:35:14,007 --> 01:35:14,996
Hey, what's this?
2372
01:35:15,108 --> 01:35:17,804
Robin, it's everybody's
salary on his desk.
2373
01:35:17,878 --> 01:35:19,140
God damn it,
get out of here!
2374
01:35:19,212 --> 01:35:20,873
He hit me, Robin.
He's hitting me.
2375
01:35:20,947 --> 01:35:21,879
Robin: Hit him back.
2376
01:35:21,948 --> 01:35:23,848
I'm gonna
hit you back.
2377
01:35:23,917 --> 01:35:25,714
I hit him back.
He hit...
2378
01:35:25,786 --> 01:35:27,185
You're not getting
the phone from me, Kenny.
2379
01:35:27,254 --> 01:35:28,186
Gimme the damn phone.
2380
01:35:28,255 --> 01:35:29,222
No!
2381
01:35:29,289 --> 01:35:30,221
Oh!
2382
01:35:30,290 --> 01:35:31,484
Oh, my God, Robin.
2383
01:35:31,558 --> 01:35:33,719
Kenny just hit himself
in the face. He's bleeding.
2384
01:35:33,794 --> 01:35:34,761
Give that to me.
2385
01:35:34,828 --> 01:35:36,193
Hey, come on.
2386
01:35:36,263 --> 01:35:37,230
Oh!
2387
01:35:37,297 --> 01:35:38,787
Robin: Oh, goodness,
what's going on?
2388
01:35:38,899 --> 01:35:40,196
Vince just got hit
by Kenny.
2389
01:35:40,267 --> 01:35:41,393
God damn it, Stern!
2390
01:35:41,468 --> 01:35:43,800
You look! See that?!
Blood, Stern!
2391
01:35:43,870 --> 01:35:45,565
- Are you OK?
- No!
2392
01:35:45,639 --> 01:35:46,571
Broke my nose!
2393
01:35:46,640 --> 01:35:47,902
It wasn't my fault.
2394
01:35:47,974 --> 01:35:48,998
I'll sue your ass!
2395
01:35:49,109 --> 01:35:50,076
Get out of here!
2396
01:35:52,012 --> 01:35:52,979
Our first guest tonight
2397
01:35:53,046 --> 01:35:55,606
is the afternoon
drive-time disc jockey
2398
01:35:55,682 --> 01:35:58,242
at WNBC radio
here in New York City.
2399
01:35:58,318 --> 01:35:59,444
Ladies and gentlemen,
do me a favor.
2400
01:35:59,519 --> 01:36:02,010
Please welcome Howard Stern.
2401
01:36:02,122 --> 01:36:03,054
Howard!
2402
01:36:10,697 --> 01:36:12,426
Walk over there
and have a seat.
2403
01:36:12,499 --> 01:36:15,900
Now, uh, Howard,
you know, uh...
2404
01:36:15,969 --> 01:36:17,800
I admire you, you know?
I love what you do.
2405
01:36:17,871 --> 01:36:19,065
I think
you're a pioneer.
2406
01:36:19,139 --> 01:36:20,800
You're on the cutting edge
of radio entertainment.
2407
01:36:20,874 --> 01:36:23,206
You and I both work
for NBC.
2408
01:36:23,276 --> 01:36:24,243
You have
the radio show,
2409
01:36:24,344 --> 01:36:25,936
I have the little
TV show here.
2410
01:36:26,012 --> 01:36:27,809
How do you get along
with the folks here?
2411
01:36:27,881 --> 01:36:28,973
You enjoying
the experience?
2412
01:36:29,049 --> 01:36:30,448
I hate it at NBC, Dave.
2413
01:36:30,517 --> 01:36:32,849
It's the worst. It sucks.
I gotta tell you something.
2414
01:36:32,919 --> 01:36:34,216
All the management at NBC...
2415
01:36:34,287 --> 01:36:36,881
bunch of creeps, and I'm not
afraid to say it right now,
2416
01:36:36,957 --> 01:36:38,618
and, you know,
it's funny,
2417
01:36:38,692 --> 01:36:41,252
because I know you feel
the same exact way I do about NBC
2418
01:36:41,328 --> 01:36:43,193
because you told me on the phone
personally last week
2419
01:36:43,263 --> 01:36:44,230
that you feel
the same way.
2420
01:36:44,331 --> 01:36:46,492
I couldn't be happier.
Everything is fine.
2421
01:36:46,566 --> 01:36:47,965
I don't understand
them at all.
2422
01:36:48,034 --> 01:36:50,264
Now, Howard, let's get back to
the issue of them being creepy.
2423
01:36:50,337 --> 01:36:51,827
Now, when you say
they're creep...
2424
01:36:53,907 --> 01:36:55,841
He makes us sound like
a bunch of idiots on the radio.
2425
01:36:55,909 --> 01:36:57,843
He criticizes us
on television.
2426
01:36:57,911 --> 01:37:00,141
I thought you were going
to control this guy.
2427
01:37:00,213 --> 01:37:02,044
Oh, well,
we are, sir.
2428
01:37:02,115 --> 01:37:05,380
In fact, we're designing
a more restrictive program
2429
01:37:05,452 --> 01:37:06,714
- Shut up.
- To make sure...
2430
01:37:06,787 --> 01:37:08,254
How are his numbers?
2431
01:37:08,355 --> 01:37:11,256
The official ratings don't
come out until tomorrow,
2432
01:37:11,324 --> 01:37:12,559
but we've got
some projections.
2433
01:37:14,995 --> 01:37:18,089
Stern... has gone...
2434
01:37:18,165 --> 01:37:22,101
from a 2.9 to a 5.6.
2435
01:37:25,205 --> 01:37:28,231
He's number one
in the market.
2436
01:37:28,308 --> 01:37:29,900
He's the hottest d.j.
In New York.
2437
01:37:31,478 --> 01:37:33,878
Kind of weird,
you know?
2438
01:37:33,947 --> 01:37:35,778
I thought there was
a mistake or something,
2439
01:37:35,849 --> 01:37:39,478
but...
mm-mmm... no.
2440
01:37:39,553 --> 01:37:43,421
My girlfriends think i'm crazy for
letting you behave like that on the air.
2441
01:37:43,490 --> 01:37:45,424
What are you
talking about?
2442
01:37:45,492 --> 01:37:46,925
You know what it is?
It's those yentas you hang around with.
2443
01:37:46,993 --> 01:37:48,426
They're... they're
driving you crazy.
2444
01:37:48,495 --> 01:37:50,122
It's not yentas, Howard.
It's everybody.
2445
01:37:50,197 --> 01:37:52,131
I can't even go... I can't
even get my hair done.
2446
01:37:52,199 --> 01:37:53,689
I can't even walk in
and get my hair done
2447
01:37:53,767 --> 01:37:56,099
without people looking at me like,
"Oh, God, that poor little thing."
2448
01:37:56,169 --> 01:37:57,363
Then you know
what you gotta do?
2449
01:37:57,437 --> 01:37:58,461
You gotta go to a different
hair shop or something.
2450
01:37:58,538 --> 01:37:59,937
- Please!
- For God's sakes,
2451
01:38:00,006 --> 01:38:01,530
If the place is driving
you crazy, don't go there.
2452
01:38:01,608 --> 01:38:03,041
It's not that!
It's not that!
2453
01:38:03,109 --> 01:38:04,269
God, no wonder they think
you're sleeping around!
2454
01:38:04,344 --> 01:38:05,504
Look at me!
Look at me!
2455
01:38:05,579 --> 01:38:07,046
- I'm disgusting!
- What about you?
2456
01:38:07,113 --> 01:38:09,775
- You're not disgusting.
- Yes, I am! I look like a house!
2457
01:38:09,850 --> 01:38:11,579
- I look like an elephant!
- You don't look like a house.
2458
01:38:11,651 --> 01:38:13,346
- You do not. You look beautiful.
- I look like Babar!
2459
01:38:13,420 --> 01:38:15,012
- You don't look like an elephant.
- I do.
2460
01:38:15,088 --> 01:38:17,522
You don't look like Babar.
You look gorgeous.
2461
01:38:17,591 --> 01:38:18,956
This is the most beautiful
you ever looked.
2462
01:38:19,025 --> 01:38:20,219
You're carrying our baby.
2463
01:38:20,293 --> 01:38:22,625
Come over here. You want to
sit down on this couch?
2464
01:38:22,696 --> 01:38:24,630
You know what the problem is?
You're tired.
2465
01:38:24,698 --> 01:38:25,824
I am tired.
2466
01:38:25,899 --> 01:38:26,957
Here.
2467
01:38:32,839 --> 01:38:34,136
Look at this...
2468
01:38:34,207 --> 01:38:35,799
It's our baby.
2469
01:38:37,377 --> 01:38:38,844
It's beautiful.
2470
01:38:38,912 --> 01:38:40,777
You're beautiful.
2471
01:38:40,847 --> 01:38:42,610
Beautiful.
2472
01:38:48,054 --> 01:38:48,986
Who would come here?
2473
01:38:49,055 --> 01:38:50,113
Quiet.
2474
01:38:55,095 --> 01:38:56,084
I don't want
to get that.
2475
01:38:56,162 --> 01:38:57,686
- Oh.
2476
01:38:57,764 --> 01:38:59,197
OK. I'll go
get the door.
2477
01:38:59,266 --> 01:39:01,632
- Don't go away.
2478
01:39:07,007 --> 01:39:07,939
Howdy, partner.
2479
01:39:08,008 --> 01:39:09,270
- How you doing?
- Oh, hey, Kenny.
2480
01:39:09,342 --> 01:39:10,832
Can I come in
just for a second?
2481
01:39:10,911 --> 01:39:12,037
It's kind of
a bad time, OK?
2482
01:39:12,112 --> 01:39:14,012
Just real quick, OK?
Listen.
2483
01:39:14,080 --> 01:39:15,308
I want to tell you
something.
2484
01:39:15,382 --> 01:39:16,849
You've won.
2485
01:39:16,917 --> 01:39:18,475
When the new ratings
come out tomorrow,
2486
01:39:18,552 --> 01:39:20,213
you are going
to be number one.
2487
01:39:20,287 --> 01:39:22,915
You understand me? A point
and a half higher than lmus.
2488
01:39:22,989 --> 01:39:24,616
- No shit?
- You've killed him. You've slayed him.
2489
01:39:24,691 --> 01:39:25,783
You understand me?
Ha ha!
2490
01:39:25,859 --> 01:39:26,848
That's great news.
Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go.
2491
01:39:26,927 --> 01:39:28,155
Howard!
Howard! Howard!
2492
01:39:28,228 --> 01:39:32,130
Listen, I know I've been
a real pain in the butt, OK?
2493
01:39:32,198 --> 01:39:33,597
But that's
all over with now.
2494
01:39:33,667 --> 01:39:35,601
Now, you're going to need
a friend on the inside.
2495
01:39:35,669 --> 01:39:37,330
I'm going to do
everything I can for you.
2496
01:39:37,404 --> 01:39:40,305
All right?
How's that sound, partner?
2497
01:39:41,975 --> 01:39:42,907
Fuck you.
2498
01:39:45,312 --> 01:39:47,143
People of New York...
2499
01:39:47,213 --> 01:39:49,010
People of Earth...
2500
01:39:49,082 --> 01:39:50,674
we are gathered here today
2501
01:39:50,750 --> 01:39:52,274
in praise of me!
2502
01:39:55,021 --> 01:39:58,286
Man, this is
a great day in my life.
2503
01:39:58,358 --> 01:40:00,758
I've been dreaming
of this day forever.
2504
01:40:00,827 --> 01:40:02,385
Thank you!
2505
01:40:02,462 --> 01:40:04,555
Thanks.
2506
01:40:04,631 --> 01:40:06,724
You know,
when I got to NBC,
2507
01:40:06,800 --> 01:40:08,825
they treated me
like I was a jerk.
2508
01:40:08,902 --> 01:40:12,303
They did everything to
sabotage me, but because of you...
2509
01:40:13,873 --> 01:40:16,398
Because of you,
and only because of you,
2510
01:40:16,476 --> 01:40:18,876
I am now the number one
disc jockey in New York,
2511
01:40:18,945 --> 01:40:20,640
and I thank you.
I love you for that.
2512
01:40:20,714 --> 01:40:21,646
I love you!
2513
01:40:21,715 --> 01:40:24,582
Thank you!
2514
01:40:24,651 --> 01:40:26,243
This is my gift to you,
New York...
2515
01:40:26,319 --> 01:40:28,150
AC/DC!
2516
01:40:45,639 --> 01:40:47,504
# She was a fast machine #
2517
01:40:47,574 --> 01:40:49,838
# She kept
her motor clean #
2518
01:40:49,909 --> 01:40:53,174
# She was the best damn
woman that I've ever seen #
2519
01:40:53,246 --> 01:40:55,476
# She had the sexiest eyes #
2520
01:40:55,548 --> 01:40:57,015
# Telling me no lies #
2521
01:40:57,083 --> 01:41:00,951
# Knockin' me out
with those American thighs #
2522
01:41:01,021 --> 01:41:02,648
# We did not
want to share... #
2523
01:41:02,722 --> 01:41:05,418
How!
My water broke!
2524
01:41:05,492 --> 01:41:06,424
What?
2525
01:41:06,493 --> 01:41:08,620
My water broke!
2526
01:41:08,695 --> 01:41:10,788
# Bang, the walls
started shakin' #
2527
01:41:10,864 --> 01:41:12,798
# The earth was quakin' #
2528
01:41:12,866 --> 01:41:14,891
# My mind was achin' #
2529
01:41:14,968 --> 01:41:17,027
# We were makin' when you #
2530
01:41:17,103 --> 01:41:20,732
# Shook me all night long #
2531
01:41:20,807 --> 01:41:23,708
Hey! Hey!
2532
01:41:23,777 --> 01:41:28,805
# Yeah, you shook me
all night long... #
2533
01:41:30,383 --> 01:41:31,645
Keep it moving!
2534
01:41:31,718 --> 01:41:34,380
# One more time,
and when she got to... #
2535
01:41:45,165 --> 01:41:48,032
Hoowww!
2536
01:41:48,101 --> 01:41:49,068
Now, push! Push!
2537
01:41:49,135 --> 01:41:51,535
No, no, don't push.
Just breathe deeply.
2538
01:41:51,604 --> 01:41:52,536
Don't push, honey.
2539
01:41:52,605 --> 01:41:53,537
Ice chips.
2540
01:41:53,606 --> 01:41:54,937
Fuck ice chips,
How!
2541
01:41:55,008 --> 01:41:56,873
Listen to me...
2542
01:41:57,177 --> 01:41:59,975
we named her Emily.
7 pounds, 8 ounces.
2543
01:42:00,046 --> 01:42:02,344
She was incredibly
beautiful. Really nice.
2544
01:42:02,415 --> 01:42:03,712
Well, you must
have felt fabulous.
2545
01:42:03,783 --> 01:42:06,513
Yeah, I had everything I ever
wanted in life, you know.
2546
01:42:06,586 --> 01:42:07,610
You know,
I have to admit
2547
01:42:07,687 --> 01:42:10,485
that I'm really not
a very big fan of yours,
2548
01:42:10,557 --> 01:42:11,922
but, in fact, I...
2549
01:42:11,991 --> 01:42:14,824
I know. You thought I was
a disgusting, sexist, racist pig
2550
01:42:14,894 --> 01:42:17,761
who had the maturity level
of a 3-year-old, right?
2551
01:42:17,831 --> 01:42:18,855
Yeah, exactly.
2552
01:42:18,932 --> 01:42:20,559
Yeah. I get that
all the time.
2553
01:42:20,633 --> 01:42:22,931
But then you know
what happens?
2554
01:42:23,002 --> 01:42:24,026
What?
2555
01:42:24,104 --> 01:42:26,163
I grow on you
like a fungus.
2556
01:42:28,341 --> 01:42:29,740
I could see that.
2557
01:42:33,346 --> 01:42:35,814
You know, I have
to tell you...
2558
01:42:35,882 --> 01:42:38,510
this has been
a really great flight.
2559
01:42:38,585 --> 01:42:40,212
Really?
2560
01:42:40,286 --> 01:42:41,685
Mm-hmm.
2561
01:42:43,990 --> 01:42:45,924
You know, I could
get this girl.
2562
01:42:45,992 --> 01:42:47,152
I know I could get her.
2563
01:42:47,227 --> 01:42:49,161
And this is the hell
that's my life.
2564
01:42:49,229 --> 01:42:50,662
I mean, think about it.
2565
01:42:50,730 --> 01:42:52,357
What would it be like
to have sex with her?
2566
01:42:52,432 --> 01:42:53,763
It would be amazing.
2567
01:42:53,833 --> 01:42:56,063
But I'm not going
to act on it.
2568
01:42:56,136 --> 01:42:57,626
You know why?
2569
01:42:57,704 --> 01:42:59,035
Because I'd be a schmuck.
2570
01:42:59,105 --> 01:43:01,369
No, because
I love Alison.
2571
01:43:01,441 --> 01:43:04,899
She stuck with me through
the whole thing, you know?
2572
01:43:04,978 --> 01:43:06,775
You gotta respect that.
2573
01:43:06,846 --> 01:43:09,110
I think you have
to respect that.
2574
01:43:13,620 --> 01:43:15,952
You have to
respect that.
2575
01:43:20,860 --> 01:43:21,792
Hey, everybody!
2576
01:43:21,861 --> 01:43:23,123
- Daddy!
- Daddy!
2577
01:43:23,196 --> 01:43:24,823
Oh, did I miss you!
2578
01:43:24,898 --> 01:43:27,526
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
2579
01:43:27,600 --> 01:43:29,625
Let's go say hi to Mommy.
Come on.
2580
01:43:29,702 --> 01:43:31,135
- Hi.
- Wait, wait. There we go.
2581
01:43:31,204 --> 01:43:32,398
Did you miss me?
Mmm!
2582
01:43:32,472 --> 01:43:34,406
Hi, honey.
I missed you.
2583
01:43:34,474 --> 01:43:35,406
Oh, Gloria.
2584
01:43:35,475 --> 01:43:36,506
Honey, Gloria.
Gloria, honey.
2585
01:43:36,507 --> 01:43:37,538
Honey, Gloria.
Gloria, honey.
2586
01:43:37,610 --> 01:43:38,668
- Hi.
- Hi.
2587
01:43:38,745 --> 01:43:40,337
Maybe the two of you
would like to have
2588
01:43:40,413 --> 01:43:42,313
a little menage a trois
tonight?
2589
01:43:42,382 --> 01:43:43,940
Huh. You know what?
Maybe some other time.
2590
01:43:44,017 --> 01:43:44,949
Just, you know,
trying.
2591
01:43:45,018 --> 01:43:45,950
Yeah, I know.
2592
01:43:46,019 --> 01:43:47,577
OK. See you,
Gloria.
2593
01:43:47,654 --> 01:43:50,487
Howard: So occasionally I make
a fool of myself in public,
2594
01:43:50,557 --> 01:43:52,457
and the FCC
wants me off the air,
2595
01:43:52,525 --> 01:43:55,517
and every fundamentalist group
in this country hates my guts,
2596
01:43:55,595 --> 01:43:59,031
and, yeah, most of the things
I do are misunderstood.
2597
01:43:59,098 --> 01:44:01,032
Hey, after all,
being misunderstood
2598
01:44:01,100 --> 01:44:03,534
is the fate of all
true geniuses, is it not?
2599
01:44:03,603 --> 01:44:05,298
But my life
isn't bad at all.
2600
01:44:05,371 --> 01:44:07,305
I'm still on the air,
2601
01:44:07,373 --> 01:44:09,034
I've got my kids,
2602
01:44:09,108 --> 01:44:10,541
and I've got Alison.
2603
01:44:10,610 --> 01:44:13,374
Alison... She's the best friend
I could ever have.
2604
01:44:13,446 --> 01:44:14,538
And who knows?
2605
01:44:14,614 --> 01:44:16,047
With a little time,
2606
01:44:16,115 --> 01:44:17,548
the right energy...
2607
01:44:17,617 --> 01:44:20,245
I think I could talk her
into some hot lesbo action.
2608
01:44:21,855 --> 01:44:23,652
Porno For Pyros:
# Got my hands into something #
2609
01:44:23,723 --> 01:44:25,816
# I could not touch... #
2610
01:44:25,892 --> 01:44:28,053
Stuttering John:
Wait! Wait! Is that it?
2611
01:44:28,127 --> 01:44:29,151
What, the movie's over?
2612
01:44:29,229 --> 01:44:30,355
Oh, yeah?
That's bullshit!
2613
01:44:30,430 --> 01:44:33,024
Hi. You know who I am?
Yeah, I'm Stuttering John.
2614
01:44:33,099 --> 01:44:34,498
And you know why I'm pissed?
I'll tell you why.
2615
01:44:34,567 --> 01:44:37,092
I've been getting up at 5:00
every morning to work for Howard.
2616
01:44:37,170 --> 01:44:38,603
I've been pissing off
every publicist,
2617
01:44:38,671 --> 01:44:40,332
burning every freakin'
bridge in the industry,
2618
01:44:40,406 --> 01:44:43,842
And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay
me back by putting me in his movie!
2619
01:44:43,943 --> 01:44:45,433
No, he doesn't!
I'm not in the movie!
2620
01:44:45,511 --> 01:44:47,604
I've been in here for 8 years,
cuttin' his friggin' potato!
2621
01:44:47,680 --> 01:44:49,773
I've been smacked around
by Morton Downey,
2622
01:44:49,849 --> 01:44:51,783
punched in the nose by Raquel Welch,
and what do I get?
2623
01:44:51,851 --> 01:44:53,250
I get fucking nothing!
That's what I get!
2624
01:44:53,319 --> 01:44:54,377
I'm not even in
this fucking movie!
2625
01:44:54,454 --> 01:44:55,512
He's says I'll
be in the sequel!
2626
01:44:55,588 --> 01:44:57,317
Yeah? What sequel?
Suppose the movie sucks?
2627
01:44:57,390 --> 01:44:59,221
Th-th-th-there won't
even be any sequel!
2628
01:44:59,292 --> 01:45:02,750
# If you lie for your breakfast,
then you won't get lunch #
2629
01:45:02,829 --> 01:45:06,595
# I'm a hard charger #
2630
01:45:06,666 --> 01:45:08,566
# I don't believe in dying #
2631
01:45:08,635 --> 01:45:10,728
# No such luck #
2632
01:45:10,803 --> 01:45:14,398
# Hard charger #
2633
01:45:14,474 --> 01:45:18,171
# Can't stay pretty
'cause it's just no fun #
2634
01:45:18,244 --> 01:45:20,769
# Hard charger... #
2635
01:45:22,815 --> 01:45:25,283
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
Mia Farrow.
2636
01:45:27,420 --> 01:45:28,648
Thank you.
2637
01:45:28,721 --> 01:45:29,653
Thank you.
2638
01:45:29,722 --> 01:45:34,125
The nominees
for best actor are...
2639
01:45:34,193 --> 01:45:35,626
Harrison Ford...
2640
01:45:38,064 --> 01:45:39,429
Denzel Washington...
2641
01:45:40,500 --> 01:45:42,900
Robert DeNiro...
2642
01:45:45,705 --> 01:45:47,138
Tom Hanks...
2643
01:45:49,175 --> 01:45:51,643
Howard Stern.
2644
01:45:53,146 --> 01:45:56,638
And the winner is...
2645
01:45:56,716 --> 01:45:57,648
Howard Stern.
2646
01:46:04,791 --> 01:46:06,281
It's me!
2647
01:46:19,072 --> 01:46:20,869
Howard:
# I'm a radio star #
2648
01:46:20,940 --> 01:46:23,067
# A hit on TV #
2649
01:46:23,142 --> 01:46:24,939
# My life is on film #
2650
01:46:25,044 --> 01:46:26,944
# Yet it sucks bein' me #
2651
01:46:27,046 --> 01:46:28,570
Ben: Shut up! Sit down!
2652
01:46:28,648 --> 01:46:30,548
# My life's a wreck #
2653
01:46:30,616 --> 01:46:32,846
# I'm bored with sex #
2654
01:46:32,919 --> 01:46:37,447
# I've got a big nose
and a skinny neck #
2655
01:46:37,523 --> 01:46:39,582
# I can't sing #
2656
01:46:39,659 --> 01:46:41,593
# I can't dance #
2657
01:46:41,661 --> 01:46:45,256
# I make money talking about
the joke in my underpants #
2658
01:46:45,331 --> 01:46:46,958
# I'm a tortured man #
2659
01:46:47,033 --> 01:46:47,965
Shut up! Sit down!
2660
01:46:48,034 --> 01:46:49,228
# I'm a tortured man #
2661
01:46:49,302 --> 01:46:50,963
I told you not to be
stupid, you moron.
2662
01:46:51,070 --> 01:46:52,332
Howard: I'm just
thinking for a minute.
2663
01:46:52,405 --> 01:46:55,238
Should I trade half my money
for 10 times as much sex?
2664
01:46:55,308 --> 01:46:56,673
It's an equation
from hell.
2665
01:46:56,743 --> 01:46:57,675
Ray: Oh, well!
2666
01:46:57,744 --> 01:46:58,870
It's an equation
from hell.
2667
01:46:58,945 --> 01:46:59,877
Oh, well!
2668
01:46:59,946 --> 01:47:01,106
It's an equation
from hell.
2669
01:47:01,180 --> 01:47:02,545
Oh, well!
2670
01:47:02,615 --> 01:47:06,176
Marilyn Manson:
# Your mouth is like a suicide #
2671
01:47:06,252 --> 01:47:08,982
# Talkin' like
you never doubt #
2672
01:47:09,088 --> 01:47:10,919
# Melting me down #
2673
01:47:10,990 --> 01:47:14,687
# And suck, suck,
sucking my brain #
2674
01:47:14,761 --> 01:47:20,495
# But I can't be the one
that you need, yeah #
2675
01:47:20,566 --> 01:47:21,897
# And I can't be the... #
2676
01:47:21,968 --> 01:47:24,766
I bear no grudge
against Howard Stern.
2677
01:47:24,837 --> 01:47:27,601
He's been very successful,
and God bless him.
2678
01:47:27,673 --> 01:47:29,106
God bless him.
2679
01:47:29,175 --> 01:47:30,199
But I'll tell you
something,
2680
01:47:30,276 --> 01:47:32,005
I ain't done
too badly myself.
2681
01:47:32,111 --> 01:47:34,773
Uh, I manage
a shopping mall
2682
01:47:34,847 --> 01:47:36,439
down in
Florence, Alabama.
2683
01:47:36,516 --> 01:47:39,610
Yeah. It's the number one
mall in Colbert County,
2684
01:47:39,685 --> 01:47:41,676
and it's number 4
in the state,
2685
01:47:41,754 --> 01:47:43,517
So, it's not
too bad, you know?
2686
01:47:43,589 --> 01:47:47,958
Uh, I play golf
several times a week, you know?
2687
01:47:48,027 --> 01:47:51,019
Uh, but
I'll tell you,
2688
01:47:51,097 --> 01:47:54,157
if Howard would have
listened to me,
2689
01:47:54,233 --> 01:47:57,862
I'd still be
up there in radio.
2690
01:47:57,937 --> 01:48:00,030
Still be doing
radio, you know.
2691
01:48:02,141 --> 01:48:03,301
How about that?
2692
01:48:07,013 --> 01:48:09,880
That goddamn motherfucker,
you know?
2693
01:48:11,284 --> 01:48:14,048
I tried every fucking thing
I could fucking think of
2694
01:48:14,153 --> 01:48:16,451
to mold him into
a proper kind of d.j.,
2695
01:48:16,522 --> 01:48:19,286
- but that goddamn son of a bitch...
2696
01:48:21,160 --> 01:48:23,594
I'll tell you...
Howard Stern, man.
2697
01:48:23,663 --> 01:48:28,566
- That motherfuckin'...
2698
01:48:28,634 --> 01:48:31,933
And I'll say that
with no shame either!
2699
01:48:32,004 --> 01:48:34,598
- Man's a...
2700
01:48:34,674 --> 01:48:36,665
Foul-mouthed,
immature...
2701
01:48:36,742 --> 01:48:38,607
the man's immature,
you know?
2702
01:48:38,678 --> 01:48:42,580
- He's like a... child.
2703
01:48:42,648 --> 01:48:44,081
I'll tell you
this much.
2704
01:48:44,150 --> 01:48:47,381
There ain't no God while
Howard Stern's walking the earth,
2705
01:48:47,453 --> 01:48:48,579
I'll tell you that.
2706
01:48:48,654 --> 01:48:49,643
I gotta go.
2707
01:48:54,360 --> 01:48:56,590
How about that?
Howard Stern, huh?
2708
01:48:58,064 --> 01:49:00,965
Howard Stern can
kiss my ass in hell!
198532
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