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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,853 He was offensive. 2 00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:32,295 He was obnoxious. 3 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,299 He was disgusting. 4 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:37,165 Do you want me to go on? 5 00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:41,806 Once he wanted me to approve a contest 6 00:00:41,874 --> 00:00:43,842 where he would give a new toilet 7 00:00:43,909 --> 00:00:47,436 to the listener with the largest bowel movement. 8 00:00:48,814 --> 00:00:50,441 On the air. 9 00:00:50,516 --> 00:00:53,917 I mean, you can imagine the logistics of that. 10 00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:11,767 Howard Stern: You know, when I look back on this moment in my life, 11 00:01:11,837 --> 00:01:13,805 I really wanted it to work. 12 00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:16,341 I wanted this to be the biggest moment 13 00:01:16,442 --> 00:01:18,842 in the history of entertainment. I'm not kidding. 14 00:01:18,911 --> 00:01:21,471 I wanted everyone to wake up the next morning 15 00:01:21,547 --> 00:01:23,777 talking about me, Howard Stern. 16 00:01:23,849 --> 00:01:26,443 That's the kind of thinking, though, 17 00:01:26,519 --> 00:01:29,010 that usually gets me into trouble. 18 00:01:29,121 --> 00:01:32,454 John Stamos: I'm here to introduce the next presenter. 19 00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:34,652 Believe me, a lot of people refused to introduce this guy, 20 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:35,658 but, uh... 21 00:01:35,761 --> 00:01:36,785 Is this safe? 22 00:01:36,862 --> 00:01:39,660 When you drop, don't spin around 23 00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:40,926 or the wires get screwed up. 24 00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:45,061 ...Radio waves high above America... 25 00:01:46,872 --> 00:01:48,305 It's a bird... 26 00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:50,205 I'm making such a mistake. 27 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:51,743 It's a plane... 28 00:01:51,811 --> 00:01:55,611 No, it's Fartman! 29 00:01:57,983 --> 00:02:00,611 Howard: Behold, I am Fartman. 30 00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:03,416 Behold, the greatest. That is me. 31 00:02:03,489 --> 00:02:06,754 The mightiest of superheroes. 32 00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:09,522 My ass has power! 33 00:02:09,595 --> 00:02:11,062 Screw Superman. 34 00:02:11,130 --> 00:02:14,361 I am Fartman. Fartman rules. 35 00:02:14,433 --> 00:02:16,867 Fartman. 36 00:02:16,936 --> 00:02:18,403 Fartman! 37 00:02:24,710 --> 00:02:28,441 And now, in an extraordinary display of my powers, 38 00:02:28,514 --> 00:02:31,142 I will show you something so marvelous. 39 00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:32,149 Behold. 40 00:02:39,024 --> 00:02:43,620 The lovely and talented Fartman, ladies and gentlemen. 41 00:02:52,838 --> 00:02:55,204 Howard: I got to tell you, with all this carrying on, 42 00:02:55,274 --> 00:02:56,673 I mean, the way they were screaming, 43 00:02:56,742 --> 00:02:58,607 at first I really thought I'd won them over. 44 00:02:58,677 --> 00:03:01,441 I thought I was the Beatles on Ed Sullivan or something. 45 00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,004 Oh, shock... 46 00:03:03,115 --> 00:03:05,413 But did my fellow artists appreciate 47 00:03:05,484 --> 00:03:08,749 the comedically ironic aspect of my new superhero character? 48 00:03:08,854 --> 00:03:11,652 No. They just thought I was an idiot. 49 00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:15,091 You know, most of these people are Satan-worshipping junkies. 50 00:03:18,864 --> 00:03:21,833 Hey, look, all I want is for my artistic courage 51 00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,368 to be an inspiration to others. 52 00:03:23,435 --> 00:03:24,402 Instead, I'm a joke. 53 00:03:24,503 --> 00:03:27,563 Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt. 54 00:03:30,576 --> 00:03:32,407 Embarrassing. 55 00:03:32,478 --> 00:03:34,708 See, that's when I came to a profound realization... 56 00:03:34,780 --> 00:03:38,841 Everything I do is misunderstood. 57 00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:39,850 Haah! 58 00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:41,944 Everything I do is misunderstood. 59 00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:43,989 I mean, think about what a burden that is. 60 00:03:44,089 --> 00:03:46,387 What a thing to go through life with. 61 00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:48,289 All I'm trying to do is be funny, 62 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,557 and I end up feeling like an asshole. 63 00:03:51,630 --> 00:03:53,962 What a fucking jerk. 64 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,801 Howard, it was a home run. 65 00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:01,965 You think so? 66 00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,441 Absolutely. And when you said, 67 00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:07,070 "All of Hollywood can kiss my ass," 68 00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:10,980 you had every teenager in the country eating out of your hand. 69 00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:14,144 My guess is we'll get coverage from 200, maybe 300... 70 00:04:27,366 --> 00:04:28,799 Howard. 71 00:04:30,035 --> 00:04:32,469 Howard... here's your ticket. 72 00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:35,473 OK? Now call me as soon as you get to New York, will you? 73 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:37,441 Yo, Fartman. Love you, man. 74 00:04:37,509 --> 00:04:39,101 Thanks. 75 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:42,306 All right. So getting back to what I was talking about... 76 00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:46,181 More than anything, I'd like the public to appreciate me. 77 00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:49,585 No, forget that. I want them to love me... 78 00:04:49,655 --> 00:04:51,122 Not the myth, but the man. 79 00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,987 The real Howard. 80 00:04:53,058 --> 00:04:55,026 Let me demonstrate my point. 81 00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:56,026 Thank you. 82 00:04:56,095 --> 00:04:57,562 Now, take this woman, for example. 83 00:04:57,663 --> 00:04:59,130 She hates me. 84 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:01,826 She doesn't even know me, 85 00:05:01,867 --> 00:05:05,268 but it's clear that she's totally disgusted by me. 86 00:05:05,337 --> 00:05:06,668 Down the aisle on your right. 87 00:05:06,739 --> 00:05:08,001 - Excuse me. - Yes? 88 00:05:08,073 --> 00:05:09,404 You don't possibly have another seat available for me? 89 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,272 I'm sorry. We're showing a full load. 90 00:05:12,878 --> 00:05:13,867 Right here on your left. 91 00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:15,243 Full load. 92 00:05:15,314 --> 00:05:19,182 Yes. Sir, may I help you? 93 00:05:19,251 --> 00:05:20,684 To your right. 94 00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:22,686 Hello. 95 00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:23,687 Hello. 96 00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:25,724 Is this yours? 97 00:05:25,824 --> 00:05:28,315 Yeah. If you want to read it, you can. 98 00:05:28,427 --> 00:05:29,860 Thank you. 99 00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:38,963 Pfft, I've seen this look before, 100 00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:40,699 believe me. 101 00:05:40,773 --> 00:05:43,264 It's the look of misunderstanding. 102 00:05:43,375 --> 00:05:45,536 She thinks I'm a moron. 103 00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:48,478 In fact, all my life, people have told me I was a moron. 104 00:05:48,547 --> 00:05:50,281 You're a moron. Now shut up and sit still. 105 00:05:50,282 --> 00:05:52,015 You're a moron. Now shut up and sit still. 106 00:05:53,585 --> 00:05:56,554 So this is my dad Ben Stern. 107 00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:59,750 He was an engineer at a radio station in Manhattan... WHOM. 108 00:05:59,825 --> 00:06:02,589 Why do we live in Roosevelt when you work in New York? 109 00:06:02,661 --> 00:06:03,719 Shut up. 110 00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:07,730 We never played catch or went to ball games. 111 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,563 The only sport my father liked was yelling. 112 00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:10,567 Nothing but crap. 113 00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:15,932 - Is this one crap? - Don't be a moron. 114 00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:19,102 # Shut up your mouth, That is your daddy # 115 00:06:19,178 --> 00:06:20,202 # Oh, no # 116 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:22,907 # My daddy can't be ugly so # 117 00:06:22,948 --> 00:06:25,075 # Shut your mouth, go away # 118 00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:27,516 # Ooh, Mama look-a boo boo day # 119 00:06:27,586 --> 00:06:28,518 Huh! 120 00:06:28,587 --> 00:06:29,519 # Shut your mouth... # 121 00:06:29,588 --> 00:06:31,112 My father commuted every day, 122 00:06:31,223 --> 00:06:33,191 I guess it was, about 40 miles into Manhattan. 123 00:06:33,258 --> 00:06:36,022 He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning, get home around midnight or something. 124 00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:37,027 I mean, I never saw the guy. 125 00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:38,063 Come on. Come on. 126 00:06:38,130 --> 00:06:40,496 Once a year, my old man would break down 127 00:06:40,632 --> 00:06:41,758 and take me to work with him. 128 00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,062 A little quality time. 129 00:06:43,135 --> 00:06:44,830 I liked that. A little bonding. 130 00:06:44,903 --> 00:06:46,871 Dad and son together. 131 00:06:46,972 --> 00:06:48,405 I looked forward to that. 132 00:06:49,808 --> 00:06:51,742 Take my hand, Howard. 133 00:06:51,810 --> 00:06:53,243 And remember, Howard, 134 00:06:53,312 --> 00:06:55,280 I work here, so keep your mouth shut. 135 00:06:55,347 --> 00:06:56,814 # Never know how much I love you... # 136 00:06:56,915 --> 00:06:59,247 You spin and you spin and you spin. 137 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,252 Records... Who gives a damn? 138 00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:03,253 Daddy. 139 00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:04,516 I told you, shut up. 140 00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:06,649 That man's throwing records. 141 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,624 No, nobody gives a goddamn about it. 142 00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:10,525 None of it. What the fuck is it? 143 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:13,394 Just fucking records! It's just this fucking place. 144 00:07:13,465 --> 00:07:14,932 None of it means anything. It's empty... 145 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,230 Sid, you're on in 15 seconds. 146 00:07:17,302 --> 00:07:18,633 Get a grip on yourself! 147 00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:20,001 Ah, what the hell do you know, you bastard? 148 00:07:20,105 --> 00:07:21,333 You mieskait! 149 00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:24,240 You're gonna play the music for the people? It doesn't... 150 00:07:24,309 --> 00:07:25,241 Symphony Sid! 151 00:07:25,310 --> 00:07:27,608 By the powers vested in me 152 00:07:27,679 --> 00:07:29,647 by the Federal Communications Commission, 153 00:07:29,748 --> 00:07:31,010 I command you 154 00:07:31,116 --> 00:07:34,210 to get on the microphone in a serious manner 155 00:07:34,286 --> 00:07:36,277 and continue this broadcast. 156 00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:50,030 Deep, Calm Voice: This is Sunday Blues And Jazz, 157 00:07:50,102 --> 00:07:52,627 and I'm your host Symphony Sid. 158 00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:56,868 And now... something for a blue Sunday. 159 00:07:56,942 --> 00:08:00,241 Howard: From that moment on, I wanted to be on the radio. 160 00:08:00,312 --> 00:08:02,678 Show business was definitely for me. 161 00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:08,953 And for my 12th birthday, my mother bought me some puppets, 162 00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:12,650 and pretty soon, I was spreading joy throughout the community. 163 00:08:12,724 --> 00:08:14,783 # Biddi-bim-bom, ay- yi-yi # 164 00:08:14,893 --> 00:08:15,917 # Biddi-biddi-biddi # 165 00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:17,359 # Biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi # 166 00:08:17,429 --> 00:08:18,794 # Biddi-biddi-biddi... # 167 00:08:18,864 --> 00:08:21,958 Howard, As The Woman: Oh, baby, I want it. Give it to me. 168 00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:23,557 More. More. Ohh! 169 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:24,636 Howard, As The Man: You like that, huh? 170 00:08:24,703 --> 00:08:26,967 Oh, yes, I love it, baby. Give it to me. 171 00:08:27,039 --> 00:08:29,735 Oh, baby, yes! Right there. Ohh! 172 00:08:29,808 --> 00:08:31,673 Oh, more! Harder! 173 00:08:31,743 --> 00:08:32,767 You want it harder? 174 00:08:32,878 --> 00:08:35,176 Oh, yes, harder. Please give it to me, please. 175 00:08:35,247 --> 00:08:37,010 Ohh! Aah! Aah! 176 00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:40,517 But why can't I play with my puppets? 177 00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:42,952 Shut up! You know why. 178 00:08:43,021 --> 00:08:44,818 Ah... 179 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,428 You know, life is very strange. 180 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:52,293 Nat King Cole: # Pretend you're happy... # 181 00:08:52,364 --> 00:08:54,264 Just about the time my puppet career ended, 182 00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:57,302 my whole neighborhood underwent a demographic shift. 183 00:08:57,369 --> 00:08:59,701 My parents said we're moving because of those niggers. 184 00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:02,467 They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's going to be nothing but niggers. 185 00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:04,338 Really? My parents said we're moving 186 00:09:04,409 --> 00:09:05,535 because of all the Shvartzes. 187 00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:07,476 Shvartzes are niggers, idiot. 188 00:09:07,546 --> 00:09:08,535 They're the same thing. 189 00:09:10,682 --> 00:09:13,150 I don't want to hear any more of this, you hear me? 190 00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:16,119 I'm half negro, and Howard's half negro. 191 00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:17,848 And anything bad you say about negroes, 192 00:09:17,923 --> 00:09:19,447 you're saying about us, you understand? 193 00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:24,689 # And nothing's bad as it may seem... # 194 00:09:24,763 --> 00:09:27,197 Mom, we're half negro? 195 00:09:31,603 --> 00:09:34,071 I can't believe the stories he makes up. 196 00:09:34,139 --> 00:09:37,540 I mean, I never made him wear my underwear to school. 197 00:09:37,609 --> 00:09:40,442 And... And as far as my taking his rectal temperature 198 00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:42,275 every day till he was 14... 199 00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:44,611 He shouldn't make such a big deal. 200 00:09:44,683 --> 00:09:47,345 He still grew up to be a very well-adjusted individual. 201 00:09:47,419 --> 00:09:48,408 Absolutely. 202 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,148 # Papa was a rolling stone... # 203 00:09:51,256 --> 00:09:53,724 Roosevelt High School... beautiful. 204 00:09:53,792 --> 00:09:56,386 A fully integrated educational institution, 205 00:09:56,461 --> 00:09:59,362 which of course meant 6,000 black guys and me. 206 00:09:59,431 --> 00:10:00,864 And then I hit puberty. 207 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,161 That made things worse 208 00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:04,168 because my penis never got any bigger. 209 00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:05,897 I mean, I was hung like a 3- year-old. 210 00:10:05,971 --> 00:10:09,907 Hey, seriously, these guys had rhinoceros penises... huge. 211 00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:12,637 You know, I've heard black men complain 212 00:10:12,711 --> 00:10:14,042 that they're unfairly stereotyped. 213 00:10:14,112 --> 00:10:17,570 Man, I'd love to have a stereotype like that. 214 00:10:17,683 --> 00:10:20,618 Now, because I had such a minuscule schlonger, 215 00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:21,983 I turned to drugs. 216 00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:25,490 Unfortunately, the drugs really made me paranoid. 217 00:10:30,529 --> 00:10:33,930 Howard's Mother: Howard, I smell smoke. Are you smoking in there? 218 00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:35,728 There's no smoke in here. 219 00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,793 Howard, your father wants to see you downstairs. 220 00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:45,805 Howard. 221 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:51,041 Howard, you're graduating from high school this year. 222 00:10:51,116 --> 00:10:53,346 You should be making some kind of plan for your future. 223 00:10:53,418 --> 00:10:54,385 You need a plan. 224 00:10:54,486 --> 00:10:57,011 I want to be on the radio. 225 00:10:57,122 --> 00:10:59,056 He wants to be on radio. 226 00:10:59,124 --> 00:11:01,285 But to be on the radio, you have to have a voice. 227 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,021 You have to have some verbal ability. 228 00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:05,120 You hardly ever say a word. 229 00:11:05,230 --> 00:11:09,098 This all from a guy who's only told me to shut up about 50,000 times. 230 00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:10,566 I talk. 231 00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:14,470 You really want to be on the radio? 232 00:11:16,241 --> 00:11:19,574 OK. If you want a shot at radio, 233 00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:23,103 the counseling center says there's a communications program 234 00:11:23,215 --> 00:11:24,409 at Boston University. 235 00:11:34,426 --> 00:11:36,826 OK, I know what you're saying. 236 00:11:36,895 --> 00:11:39,625 You're saying I look a little old to be in college. 237 00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:42,724 Well, for this movie, you gotta suspend disbelief. 238 00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,631 Hey, Lisa. 239 00:11:44,703 --> 00:11:47,103 Lisa. Hi, how you doing? 240 00:11:47,172 --> 00:11:48,366 Hi. 241 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,068 I was wondering if you'd like to go out Friday night. 242 00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:52,269 With you? 243 00:11:52,377 --> 00:11:54,004 No, thanks. 244 00:11:56,114 --> 00:11:59,015 Hi. I was just wondering if you... 245 00:11:59,084 --> 00:12:00,517 Uh, no. 246 00:12:05,590 --> 00:12:07,990 - Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 247 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,027 Excuse me. 248 00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:11,027 Would you like to go out Friday night? 249 00:12:11,096 --> 00:12:12,529 Friday? 250 00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:20,899 No. I have a lot of reading to catch up on, 251 00:12:20,972 --> 00:12:23,406 but thank you. 252 00:12:23,475 --> 00:12:26,911 So I masturbated a lot... 2-time-a-day habit. 253 00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:28,980 I'm not proud of it, but I did it. 254 00:12:29,047 --> 00:12:30,878 Senior year... Big year for me. 255 00:12:30,949 --> 00:12:31,973 I finally got up the courage 256 00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:33,642 to go down to the college radio station 257 00:12:33,752 --> 00:12:34,912 and get myself on the air. 258 00:12:34,986 --> 00:12:36,920 And my name is Howard Stern 259 00:12:36,988 --> 00:12:39,013 on the Howard Stern Experience, 260 00:12:39,124 --> 00:12:43,561 and if you love music, you'll love Deep Purple on TBU. 261 00:12:57,542 --> 00:12:58,474 Ohh! 262 00:12:58,543 --> 00:13:00,067 Ooh, ooh, ooh! 263 00:13:00,178 --> 00:13:01,406 Ooh! 264 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,415 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 265 00:13:08,153 --> 00:13:09,177 How do I forget it? 266 00:13:09,287 --> 00:13:10,652 It's the single worst moment in radio history. 267 00:13:10,722 --> 00:13:11,950 It's not radio. 268 00:13:12,023 --> 00:13:13,991 It's college radio. 269 00:13:14,092 --> 00:13:15,286 There's nobody listening. 270 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,794 Nobody. Maybe, like, 3 guys in a dorm somewhere. 271 00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,524 Oh, shit. 272 00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:20,622 Oh, fuck. 273 00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:22,597 I know someone on this block. Let me think. 274 00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:25,504 Come on. We're getting wet. 275 00:13:25,637 --> 00:13:26,535 Down here. Down here. Down here. 276 00:13:27,272 --> 00:13:28,239 Hi, Elyse. 277 00:13:28,306 --> 00:13:29,603 Hey. 278 00:13:29,674 --> 00:13:31,904 So, we were on our way to a rally in support of feminism, 279 00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:33,501 and we got caught in the rain. 280 00:13:33,578 --> 00:13:35,842 I'm wondering if we can come in and just hang out for awhile. 281 00:13:35,914 --> 00:13:37,711 Sure, come on in. 282 00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,876 Howard: Can I use your hair dryer? 283 00:13:39,951 --> 00:13:43,580 Yeah, there's one at the end of the hall. Hey, Rach. 284 00:13:43,655 --> 00:13:44,815 Hi, Ellen. This is Howard. 285 00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:46,380 Oh, hi. My hair's wet. 286 00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:47,390 Put that there. 287 00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:49,154 I'm just going to go dry my hair. 288 00:13:49,227 --> 00:13:51,218 Hey, I heard you on the radio today. 289 00:13:51,296 --> 00:13:52,388 You heard that? 290 00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:53,829 Yeah. What happened? 291 00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:55,924 I didn't think anybody even listened to that. 292 00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:57,559 Alison, this is Howard. Howard, this is Alison. 293 00:13:57,636 --> 00:13:58,568 Alison's one of my roommates. 294 00:13:58,637 --> 00:13:59,569 Hey. 295 00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:09,679 Howard. 296 00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:10,680 Howard. 297 00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:13,309 Hair dryer's in the bathroom. 298 00:14:16,555 --> 00:14:18,614 Hi. Hi. 299 00:14:19,691 --> 00:14:20,953 Hi, I'm Howard. 300 00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,254 Look at you, man. 301 00:14:22,327 --> 00:14:24,022 You can get her. You can get her. 302 00:14:24,095 --> 00:14:25,494 She looks hot. 303 00:14:27,532 --> 00:14:28,965 How are you? 304 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,831 I'm making a film for my film class, 305 00:14:30,902 --> 00:14:32,301 and, I mean, it's a legitimate film. 306 00:14:32,370 --> 00:14:34,304 You won't... You're not gonna be naked or anything. 307 00:14:34,372 --> 00:14:35,566 You'll have your clothes on, you know. 308 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:36,868 What's it about? 309 00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,637 Well, I'm glad you asked me that. 310 00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:43,010 In my, um, psychology class, we're studying B.F. Skinner, 311 00:14:43,081 --> 00:14:47,518 and I started to realize that what Skinner says is true... 312 00:14:47,586 --> 00:14:49,679 We're all rats trapped in a box, 313 00:14:49,754 --> 00:14:51,221 all searching for a piece of cheese. 314 00:14:51,289 --> 00:14:53,052 Mm-hmm. 315 00:14:53,124 --> 00:14:54,557 And I'm going to shoot it on Saturday. 316 00:14:54,626 --> 00:14:57,618 I mean, I can't do it Saturday. 317 00:14:57,696 --> 00:15:00,859 I work with an outpatient program for schizophrenics. 318 00:15:00,932 --> 00:15:02,399 One of them actually killed himself, 319 00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:03,798 so I'm taking the whole group to... 320 00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:05,996 to the funeral on Saturday, but... 321 00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,470 Sorry. 322 00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:10,201 You are really perfect. 323 00:15:10,275 --> 00:15:13,870 L... All right. What if I reschedule? 324 00:15:15,046 --> 00:15:18,072 Beautiful. Beautiful. I don't believe it. 325 00:15:18,149 --> 00:15:19,980 Howard: Look, I refused to leave the room 326 00:15:20,051 --> 00:15:21,416 until she agreed to be in my film. 327 00:15:21,486 --> 00:15:22,817 I feel stupid. 328 00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:25,186 Seriously, she was the most enchanting woman I'd ever met. 329 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:27,418 I'm telling you, I am looking for the face of an angel. 330 00:15:27,492 --> 00:15:28,424 You have the face of an angel. 331 00:15:30,395 --> 00:15:32,693 Howard's Voice: Save me. 332 00:15:35,033 --> 00:15:38,025 Save me. 333 00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:40,230 He comes to me. 334 00:15:40,305 --> 00:15:43,035 He comes to me. 335 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,975 Ahh... 336 00:15:46,044 --> 00:15:48,035 Save me. 337 00:15:54,452 --> 00:15:57,216 We give the award for best student film 338 00:15:57,289 --> 00:16:00,452 to... Mr. Howard Stern. 339 00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:07,928 I'll tell you, nothing makes a woman hotter 340 00:16:07,999 --> 00:16:09,762 than to be with an award- winning filmmaker. 341 00:16:09,834 --> 00:16:10,858 This I know. 342 00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:12,699 And at this point, I knew I was gonna score. 343 00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:14,136 I mean, it was fait accompli. 344 00:16:14,205 --> 00:16:16,036 I was in. This was it. 345 00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:19,099 I'm a stud. She was liquefied. 346 00:16:19,177 --> 00:16:20,974 We did not have sex on our first date, 347 00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:23,378 although he was very sexual. 348 00:16:23,448 --> 00:16:25,678 Our sex life has always been good. 349 00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:28,981 I mean, Howard complains that his penis is too small, 350 00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,545 but his penis size is fine. 351 00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:33,557 Howard exaggerates. 352 00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:37,861 - OK. - Now hold this and say... 353 00:16:37,929 --> 00:16:39,362 Hi. Hi, I'm Camille, 354 00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:42,025 and, uh, I'm in Westchester, New York, and... 355 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:43,761 This is Howard's first job interview. 356 00:16:43,835 --> 00:16:46,201 And this is Howard's first job interview. 357 00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:48,762 Well, he's going to his first job interview in New York. 358 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:49,772 - All right... 359 00:16:49,841 --> 00:16:50,773 - One more thing. - Yes? 360 00:16:50,842 --> 00:16:51,774 Can you take your top off? 361 00:16:51,843 --> 00:16:53,140 - No. - No, I'm serious. 362 00:16:53,211 --> 00:16:54,906 I'm serious. That's what they want you to do. 363 00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:56,709 - No, they do not. - Yeah, they do. 364 00:16:56,781 --> 00:16:57,748 - No way. - No, they do. 365 00:16:57,816 --> 00:16:59,010 Howard did not tell me... 366 00:17:10,428 --> 00:17:12,362 I'm Moti, station manager. 367 00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:14,762 - Howard Stern. - You want to be a disc jockey? 368 00:17:14,833 --> 00:17:16,664 Very much so. I've wanted to be a disc jockey 369 00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:17,667 since I was 7 years old. 370 00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,499 What are you, an idiot? 371 00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:21,801 No, sir, I'm not an idiot. 372 00:17:21,873 --> 00:17:24,933 L... In fact, I have a communications degree from Boston University, 373 00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:26,705 and I would work very hard for this company 374 00:17:26,778 --> 00:17:27,710 if given the opportunity to... 375 00:17:27,779 --> 00:17:28,711 You wanted to see me? 376 00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:30,441 You came late yesterday. 377 00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:32,779 You came late today. I don't need you. You're fired. 378 00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:34,580 Fuck you. 379 00:17:34,653 --> 00:17:35,779 Good. Fuck you. 380 00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:38,118 You punk! Fuck you 1,000%% %! 381 00:17:38,189 --> 00:17:39,451 Fuck you till your asshole 382 00:17:39,524 --> 00:17:41,151 is perfect donkey asshole! 383 00:17:42,927 --> 00:17:44,952 OK, you start tomorrow. 384 00:17:45,030 --> 00:17:47,863 10 a.m. To 2 p. M, eh? 385 00:17:47,932 --> 00:17:49,092 Yes. 386 00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:51,135 Pay $96 a week and don't bring me your problems. 387 00:17:51,202 --> 00:17:52,134 OK. 388 00:17:52,203 --> 00:17:53,397 I'm not psychiatrist. 389 00:17:53,471 --> 00:17:55,462 Thank you very much. 390 00:17:55,540 --> 00:17:58,031 I promise you I will not disappoint you. 391 00:17:58,109 --> 00:17:59,736 Thank you. 392 00:17:59,811 --> 00:18:01,244 And I start tomorrow? 393 00:18:01,312 --> 00:18:05,009 Wimpy Voice: Westchester 107, WRNW 107. 394 00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:08,917 Hi, this is Howard Stern, and it's 75 degrees presently, 395 00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:10,818 winds out of the northwest. 396 00:18:10,889 --> 00:18:14,552 Chance of precipitation, 85%% % for tonight. 397 00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:16,093 Looks like rain. 398 00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:20,757 Tomorrow, partly sunny at WRNW, Westchester 107. 399 00:18:23,735 --> 00:18:26,533 I was sort of living with Alison 400 00:18:26,604 --> 00:18:30,131 while she worked on her Master's of social work, which was really great. 401 00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:32,108 I was also still living with my parents... 402 00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:33,109 Howard's Mother: Howard? 403 00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:34,110 Which wasn't so great. 404 00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,510 Yeah. Yeah, ma? 405 00:18:35,580 --> 00:18:38,014 I smell smoke. Are you smoking in there? 406 00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:40,950 No, Ma. There's no smoke in here. 407 00:18:41,019 --> 00:18:43,817 Wimpy Voice: 107 FM, WRNW. 408 00:18:43,888 --> 00:18:46,083 I'm Howard Stern with you each and every day, 409 00:18:46,157 --> 00:18:48,387 and I've got a great two for Tuesday. 410 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:52,362 107 FM... The Ramones... Gabba gabba wee, 411 00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:53,397 Gabba gabba hey, 412 00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,933 Gabba gabba gabba gabba... 413 00:19:06,778 --> 00:19:08,268 Howard, you stink. 414 00:19:08,346 --> 00:19:11,338 I don't mince words. You will never be a great disc jockey. 415 00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:14,442 You have lousy voice, lousy personality, and this will not change. 416 00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:17,249 OK? So on the air is not for you. 417 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:21,452 But you come on time, and you are good worker, huh? 418 00:19:21,526 --> 00:19:23,050 So... 419 00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:25,961 how about I make you... 420 00:19:26,030 --> 00:19:27,156 program director? 421 00:19:30,535 --> 00:19:31,968 Program director? 422 00:19:32,036 --> 00:19:34,334 Program... director. 423 00:19:34,405 --> 00:19:36,498 You. You. 424 00:19:36,574 --> 00:19:38,906 You run station. 425 00:19:38,977 --> 00:19:40,410 You... sit. 426 00:19:40,478 --> 00:19:42,343 You pick music. 427 00:19:42,413 --> 00:19:44,404 No more $96 a week. 428 00:19:44,482 --> 00:19:46,245 Eh. I pay you... 429 00:19:46,317 --> 00:19:47,807 you, eh? 430 00:19:47,886 --> 00:19:51,014 $250 a week. 431 00:19:52,857 --> 00:19:55,894 You be management... like me. 432 00:19:56,027 --> 00:19:58,928 To be quite honest, I didn't really want to be a programmer. 433 00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:01,465 But at $250 a week, I could marry Alison, 434 00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,125 and we'd get a real place together. 435 00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:06,227 Oh, look at her. I mean, this was a miracle. 436 00:20:06,304 --> 00:20:08,431 Here's this beautiful girl, 437 00:20:08,506 --> 00:20:09,734 I mean, a gorgeous woman, 438 00:20:09,808 --> 00:20:11,207 willing to spend the rest of her life with me. 439 00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,938 I just couldn't have been happier. 440 00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:17,675 I was the happiest program director in the world. 441 00:20:17,749 --> 00:20:19,614 Yeah, me. Program director. 442 00:20:19,684 --> 00:20:21,481 Overnight, I become the big boss. 443 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,851 Howard Stern, executive manager. 444 00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:25,981 I had no idea what I was doing, 445 00:20:26,057 --> 00:20:28,423 no clue what to do with this job whatsoever, 446 00:20:28,493 --> 00:20:30,961 but I did it, and everyone bought into it. 447 00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:33,623 They thought I knew what I was doing. This was great. 448 00:20:33,698 --> 00:20:34,630 Howard. 449 00:20:34,699 --> 00:20:35,666 Oh, hey, Moti. 450 00:20:35,733 --> 00:20:38,201 Advertising is up. Profit is up. 451 00:20:38,269 --> 00:20:39,497 Oh, great. 452 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:42,199 As a disc jockey, you're... you're shit... ha ha ha ha... 453 00:20:42,273 --> 00:20:44,741 But you are a great programmer. Here, payday. 454 00:20:44,809 --> 00:20:45,776 Thanks, Moti. 455 00:20:45,810 --> 00:20:49,678 Listen, I want you to fire Dickie Davis. 456 00:20:49,747 --> 00:20:50,679 But why? 457 00:20:50,748 --> 00:20:52,272 None of your business. 458 00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:53,510 The guy's got 3 kids. 459 00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:56,110 You want to be management, you fire him, huh? 460 00:20:56,187 --> 00:20:58,246 It's good to fire someone. It gives a good message to the others. 461 00:20:58,323 --> 00:20:59,756 Just fire him, huh? 462 00:20:59,824 --> 00:21:02,418 I don't want to fire him. You fire him. 463 00:21:02,493 --> 00:21:03,425 Howard... 464 00:21:03,494 --> 00:21:05,519 disc jockeys are dogs. 465 00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,827 Your job is to make them fetch, eh? 466 00:21:07,932 --> 00:21:09,695 Now, if you want to truly be management, 467 00:21:09,767 --> 00:21:11,428 you be a man and fire him. 468 00:21:11,502 --> 00:21:14,130 Do it. Be a man. 469 00:21:22,647 --> 00:21:25,582 Moti: Tell Dickie Davis Howard wants to see him now. 470 00:21:35,493 --> 00:21:37,358 How? Howard? 471 00:21:37,428 --> 00:21:38,360 Don't look. 472 00:21:38,429 --> 00:21:39,589 You OK? 473 00:21:41,866 --> 00:21:44,562 Let me ask you something. Would you still love me... 474 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,228 if I gave up my programming job, 475 00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:48,602 and I stayed on the air, and I made a lot less money? 476 00:21:48,673 --> 00:21:51,801 Yes. I mean, you know, I'd have to leave you, 477 00:21:51,876 --> 00:21:54,538 but I'd still love you. 478 00:21:54,612 --> 00:21:56,170 Be serious. 479 00:21:56,247 --> 00:21:59,944 If I make less money, we wouldn't even be able to afford this apartment. 480 00:22:00,018 --> 00:22:02,543 Well, we can't really afford the apartment now, 481 00:22:02,620 --> 00:22:04,451 so it doesn't quite matter, really. 482 00:22:04,522 --> 00:22:06,046 I guess. 483 00:22:08,259 --> 00:22:11,194 Do what you need to do. 484 00:22:12,530 --> 00:22:14,725 Come on back here, hold this sign... 485 00:22:14,799 --> 00:22:16,790 right in front of you. Come on back. 486 00:22:16,868 --> 00:22:19,234 I want you to say "Howard goes to Hartford 487 00:22:19,304 --> 00:22:22,205 and becomes the wacky morning man at WCCC." 488 00:22:22,273 --> 00:22:24,969 Howard goes to Hartford at CCC. 489 00:22:25,043 --> 00:22:28,410 "Howard goes to Hartford and becomes the wacky morning man at WCCC." 490 00:22:28,479 --> 00:22:30,913 Howard goes to Hartford at W... 491 00:22:31,015 --> 00:22:33,108 All right, all right, that's not going to work. 492 00:22:33,184 --> 00:22:36,119 Howard comes to Hartford to become the wacky morning man 493 00:22:36,187 --> 00:22:37,518 at WCCC. 494 00:22:37,588 --> 00:22:39,453 Gary: Let's see some muscles. 495 00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:42,550 Gary: How about some back muscles? 496 00:22:42,627 --> 00:22:45,061 Was my voice too deep doing that? 497 00:22:45,129 --> 00:22:46,061 No. It's very feminine. 498 00:22:55,873 --> 00:22:59,934 WCCC, FM 107 and AM 1290. 499 00:23:00,044 --> 00:23:02,103 My name is Fred Norris, and, uh... 500 00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:04,341 stick around for the new guy Howard Stern 501 00:23:04,415 --> 00:23:06,349 And the Howard Stern program. 502 00:23:08,219 --> 00:23:09,311 Hi. 503 00:23:09,387 --> 00:23:12,185 Oh. Oh, my God. 504 00:23:12,256 --> 00:23:14,486 Oh, it's so... 505 00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:15,685 Hi, I'm Howard Stern. 506 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:17,421 How you doing? You're Fred. 507 00:23:17,495 --> 00:23:19,463 I can't believe how late I am. 508 00:23:19,530 --> 00:23:20,827 Who would've thought? 509 00:23:20,898 --> 00:23:23,423 I'm on the Berlin turnpike, and I take a left-hand turn, 510 00:23:23,501 --> 00:23:26,732 and I've rehearsed this 500 times, getting here, and I somehow got lost. 511 00:23:26,804 --> 00:23:27,771 Ohh. 512 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,507 I'm sweating. 513 00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:33,100 I'm so hot. 514 00:23:33,177 --> 00:23:34,474 I'm so tahitzed. 515 00:23:34,545 --> 00:23:36,570 I'm hot. 516 00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:41,518 I was planning on being on time. 517 00:23:44,455 --> 00:23:45,888 Whoo, man. 518 00:23:45,957 --> 00:23:48,687 Whoo-oo-oo... 519 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:53,220 107 FM, AM 1290, WCCC. Good morning. 520 00:23:53,297 --> 00:23:55,925 My name is Howard Stern. I'm the new morning man on CCC. 521 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,594 Sitting with me, uh, Mr. Ringo... 522 00:23:58,669 --> 00:24:02,366 Mr. Ringo Starr, and he's here in the studio. 523 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,407 Hi, Ringo. 524 00:24:03,474 --> 00:24:04,964 How you doin', me love? 525 00:24:05,043 --> 00:24:06,908 I wish you'd play us a little Wipeout this morning, 526 00:24:06,978 --> 00:24:08,104 Wake everybody up. 527 00:24:12,950 --> 00:24:15,111 Oh, yeah, that was great, Ringo. 528 00:24:15,186 --> 00:24:17,381 CCC, AM 1290, FM 107. 529 00:24:17,455 --> 00:24:18,888 This is Cheap Trick. 530 00:24:22,393 --> 00:24:24,088 Ohh. Thank you. 531 00:24:24,162 --> 00:24:26,323 Whoa. 532 00:24:26,397 --> 00:24:28,627 Howard: Hartford ended up being OK, you know. 533 00:24:28,699 --> 00:24:30,223 I mean, Fred seemed to really like me. 534 00:24:30,301 --> 00:24:31,791 I mean, I think he really liked me. 535 00:24:31,869 --> 00:24:33,564 The guy's like wallpaper. Who can get a read on him? 536 00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:35,367 And Alison, well, she got a job right away. 537 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:38,375 Now, if you wanted to buy liver for dinner, 538 00:24:38,443 --> 00:24:39,876 what would you do? 539 00:24:39,944 --> 00:24:42,037 Go to the... supermarket? 540 00:24:42,146 --> 00:24:44,637 That's right. And then what? 541 00:24:44,715 --> 00:24:46,444 This afternoon... Gray skies, 542 00:24:46,517 --> 00:24:49,452 occasional showers, and precipitation. 543 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,511 Highs near 75. 544 00:24:51,589 --> 00:24:53,784 It's going to be raining like cats... 545 00:24:55,626 --> 00:24:57,560 And chickens, I don't think so. 546 00:24:58,763 --> 00:25:00,025 And dogs. 547 00:25:00,098 --> 00:25:01,725 WCCC also wants to remind you 548 00:25:01,799 --> 00:25:03,562 that our new sponsor Stanley Sport, 549 00:25:03,634 --> 00:25:06,694 um, is a great place to go. 550 00:25:06,771 --> 00:25:08,705 You know, I got to tell you something. When I was a child, 551 00:25:08,773 --> 00:25:10,866 I used to go to Stanley Sport all the time. 552 00:25:10,942 --> 00:25:12,432 I loved Stanley Sport. 553 00:25:12,510 --> 00:25:15,070 My parents would take me through there, and we just had a great time. 554 00:25:15,179 --> 00:25:16,737 And we could walk out with tons of stuff 555 00:25:16,814 --> 00:25:19,009 even though my parents didn't make a lot of money. 556 00:25:19,083 --> 00:25:20,675 Oh. 557 00:25:20,751 --> 00:25:23,379 And, uh, "There's only one Stanley Sports, 558 00:25:23,454 --> 00:25:25,752 "and the grand opening is this weekend. 559 00:25:25,823 --> 00:25:27,916 Mark it on your calendar." 560 00:25:29,427 --> 00:25:31,054 The grand opening is this... 561 00:25:31,129 --> 00:25:34,098 I just realized, uh... that makes no sense what I just said. 562 00:25:34,165 --> 00:25:36,497 I just told you I went there as a kid, and now the grand opening... 563 00:25:36,567 --> 00:25:40,094 Well, I just... I think I was just caught in a lie. 564 00:25:40,204 --> 00:25:42,536 Oh, boy. You know what the truth is? 565 00:25:42,607 --> 00:25:45,201 I'm a disc jockey who makes $250 a week, 566 00:25:45,276 --> 00:25:47,437 and I just want to do the right thing here on the air. 567 00:25:47,512 --> 00:25:50,481 I don't want to get fired, so, uh, I guess I lied to you, 568 00:25:50,548 --> 00:25:53,676 but, uh, I'll never let that happen again. You know what I mean? 569 00:25:53,751 --> 00:25:55,343 Oh, boy, do I feel stupid. 570 00:25:57,355 --> 00:25:59,516 Seriously, I heard the show today. 571 00:25:59,590 --> 00:26:01,251 I think you're really getting good. 572 00:26:01,325 --> 00:26:02,792 What part did you like in particular? 573 00:26:02,860 --> 00:26:05,658 Was it the Chinese guy calling in for the Doobie Brothers tickets? 574 00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:09,325 You know when you did that ad, when you were just being yourself? 575 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:10,731 That's what you liked? 576 00:26:10,801 --> 00:26:12,428 Yeah. 577 00:26:12,503 --> 00:26:13,902 Really? 578 00:26:13,971 --> 00:26:15,802 It was funny. 579 00:26:15,940 --> 00:26:19,501 # Gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs... # 580 00:26:19,577 --> 00:26:20,839 Howard: Little by little, 581 00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:22,140 our ratings actually improved, 582 00:26:22,246 --> 00:26:24,146 and before long, I got to interview 583 00:26:24,248 --> 00:26:25,647 my first real semifamous celebrity, 584 00:26:25,716 --> 00:26:27,980 "B" movie star Brittany Fairchild. 585 00:26:28,052 --> 00:26:29,314 While I'm interviewing her, 586 00:26:29,387 --> 00:26:30,649 she actually invites me 587 00:26:30,721 --> 00:26:32,689 to go to a premiere for her movie. 588 00:26:32,757 --> 00:26:34,224 I remember how embarrassing it was 589 00:26:34,292 --> 00:26:35,987 because nobody knew who I was. 590 00:26:36,060 --> 00:26:37,254 I'm escorting this woman around, 591 00:26:37,328 --> 00:26:39,091 and none of these people know who I am. 592 00:26:39,163 --> 00:26:41,757 They just think she has some ugly boyfriend, you know? 593 00:26:41,832 --> 00:26:44,164 But who cared? I mean, it was exciting. 594 00:26:58,883 --> 00:27:01,647 Woman In Movie: Hello? 595 00:27:07,658 --> 00:27:09,319 I'm here for the shoot. 596 00:27:14,131 --> 00:27:15,359 Is anybody there? 597 00:27:20,705 --> 00:27:22,639 Hello? 598 00:27:24,642 --> 00:27:26,473 Howard: Ohh. 599 00:27:28,412 --> 00:27:30,607 My back hurts. 600 00:27:30,681 --> 00:27:33,946 Would you mind taking me back to my hotel room? 601 00:27:35,353 --> 00:27:36,820 I know this director, 602 00:27:36,887 --> 00:27:38,616 and he told me that when he was little, 603 00:27:38,689 --> 00:27:40,623 his mother killed his sister, 604 00:27:40,691 --> 00:27:42,420 but was never charged. 605 00:27:42,493 --> 00:27:43,425 Wow. 606 00:27:43,494 --> 00:27:45,553 Come in. 607 00:27:46,697 --> 00:27:49,131 Come in. 608 00:27:53,571 --> 00:27:55,300 - It's nice. - Sit down. 609 00:27:58,042 --> 00:28:00,135 I'll be right back. 610 00:28:00,211 --> 00:28:01,269 OK. 611 00:28:07,918 --> 00:28:09,317 Hey, man. 612 00:28:09,387 --> 00:28:11,617 Free drinks. 613 00:28:13,291 --> 00:28:15,020 Ahem. 614 00:28:20,231 --> 00:28:22,165 What the hell is she doing? 615 00:28:24,368 --> 00:28:26,302 I think she's running a bath. 616 00:28:33,644 --> 00:28:36,841 Oh, my God, man, she's taking her clothes off. 617 00:28:36,914 --> 00:28:39,109 I guess she forgot to close the door. 618 00:28:39,183 --> 00:28:40,548 Well, she's a Hollywood actress. 619 00:28:40,618 --> 00:28:41,983 They have a lot on their mind. 620 00:28:43,187 --> 00:28:45,781 Oh, my God. 621 00:28:48,926 --> 00:28:50,655 Oh, is she cute. 622 00:28:51,896 --> 00:28:52,885 Brittany: Howard? 623 00:28:52,963 --> 00:28:53,952 Yes? 624 00:28:54,031 --> 00:28:55,931 Could you come here for a second? 625 00:29:10,781 --> 00:29:12,078 Oh. Hi. 626 00:29:12,149 --> 00:29:14,777 My shoulders tense up when I travel. 627 00:29:14,852 --> 00:29:16,615 Would you mind rubbing them for a minute? 628 00:29:16,687 --> 00:29:18,484 Works best when I'm in a hot bath. 629 00:29:18,556 --> 00:29:20,353 It helps relax the muscles. 630 00:29:20,424 --> 00:29:23,791 I don't know if that's OK or not. 631 00:29:23,861 --> 00:29:27,126 Please. It really hurts. 632 00:29:29,166 --> 00:29:31,464 Look, I don't know that I can do this. 633 00:29:31,535 --> 00:29:33,162 I'll tell you what, I'll just kneel over here, 634 00:29:33,237 --> 00:29:35,137 and I'll rub your shoulders from back here. 635 00:29:35,206 --> 00:29:37,766 No. Sit behind me in the tub. 636 00:29:37,842 --> 00:29:39,139 Oh, I can't do that. 637 00:29:39,210 --> 00:29:40,973 Why not? 638 00:29:41,045 --> 00:29:43,843 Well, for one thing, my clothes are gonna get all wet. 639 00:29:43,914 --> 00:29:47,611 Well, then I guess you better take them off. 640 00:29:47,685 --> 00:29:50,620 I got to tell you something. You are gorgeous, 641 00:29:50,688 --> 00:29:52,212 And... And you're a great actress and everything, 642 00:29:52,289 --> 00:29:54,757 but I got a wife at home. I can't cheat on my wife. 643 00:29:54,825 --> 00:29:56,986 Then leave your underwear on. 644 00:29:57,061 --> 00:29:59,052 What? 645 00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:02,395 If you leave your underwear on, then you can't cheat. 646 00:30:02,466 --> 00:30:04,127 It's just like going swimming. 647 00:30:04,201 --> 00:30:05,634 Howard: I don't know what it was, 648 00:30:05,703 --> 00:30:08,263 but she started making a lot of sense. 649 00:30:08,339 --> 00:30:09,601 I really need your help. 650 00:30:09,673 --> 00:30:12,437 My back really hurts. 651 00:30:12,510 --> 00:30:14,569 Fred: She's right. 652 00:30:17,014 --> 00:30:19,278 Could you start with my shoulders? 653 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,278 Ahh... 654 00:30:24,355 --> 00:30:25,652 yeah. 655 00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:28,083 Mmm. 656 00:30:28,159 --> 00:30:31,026 Can you come around my sides? 657 00:30:31,095 --> 00:30:33,427 I think I pulled a muscle in my rib cage. 658 00:30:35,599 --> 00:30:38,033 Mmm. 659 00:30:39,236 --> 00:30:41,431 Howard... 660 00:30:46,744 --> 00:30:48,905 I know how to give a man pleasure. 661 00:30:50,181 --> 00:30:51,580 Mmm. 662 00:30:52,983 --> 00:30:54,473 Ooh. Oh. 663 00:30:54,552 --> 00:30:56,281 Pleasure. 664 00:30:58,422 --> 00:31:00,447 Oh. Oh, wow. 665 00:31:00,524 --> 00:31:02,856 No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. 666 00:31:02,927 --> 00:31:04,394 Stop that. Stop. 667 00:31:04,462 --> 00:31:05,952 Oh, whoa. 668 00:31:06,030 --> 00:31:06,997 Oh, man. 669 00:31:07,064 --> 00:31:09,157 Wow. Thank you. Oh, my. 670 00:31:09,233 --> 00:31:11,064 Thanks. Thanks... Thanks for everything. 671 00:31:11,135 --> 00:31:12,397 Listen, the premiere and everything. 672 00:31:12,470 --> 00:31:13,630 Oh, my God. 673 00:31:13,704 --> 00:31:15,729 I just... I just got to go. 674 00:31:15,806 --> 00:31:17,967 You know, it was a great interview on the radio. 675 00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:19,703 Thanks... Thanks... Thank you. 676 00:31:19,777 --> 00:31:21,005 I really got to go. 677 00:31:21,078 --> 00:31:22,477 Good-bye! 678 00:31:23,647 --> 00:31:24,636 # I'll take you there # 679 00:31:24,715 --> 00:31:26,683 # Oh, oh # 680 00:31:26,750 --> 00:31:27,876 # Oh! # 681 00:31:27,952 --> 00:31:29,977 # I'll take you there # 682 00:31:31,689 --> 00:31:33,088 # Oh! Oh! Oh! # 683 00:31:33,157 --> 00:31:34,749 # I'll take you there # 684 00:31:36,193 --> 00:31:37,353 # Mercy now # 685 00:31:37,428 --> 00:31:38,554 # I'll take you there # 686 00:31:38,629 --> 00:31:39,994 # I'm callin', callin' # 687 00:31:40,064 --> 00:31:42,328 # Callin' for mercy # 688 00:31:42,399 --> 00:31:44,424 # I'll take you there # 689 00:31:44,502 --> 00:31:46,333 # Mercy, mercy # 690 00:31:48,572 --> 00:31:49,596 Hi. 691 00:31:49,673 --> 00:31:51,106 Hey. How was it? 692 00:31:51,175 --> 00:31:52,665 So bad. So horrible. 693 00:31:52,743 --> 00:31:54,438 I just had the worst night of my life. 694 00:31:54,512 --> 00:31:57,037 I mean, I can't even begin to tell you how miserable I am. 695 00:31:57,114 --> 00:31:58,741 It is so late. I got to get to bed. 696 00:31:58,816 --> 00:32:00,306 I mean, no one realizes I got to be up 697 00:32:00,384 --> 00:32:01,874 at 4:00 in the morning in that radio station. 698 00:32:01,952 --> 00:32:03,283 I can't believe how late it is. 699 00:32:03,354 --> 00:32:04,753 - Go up and get in... - OK. 700 00:32:04,822 --> 00:32:05,948 L... I just... 701 00:32:06,023 --> 00:32:08,583 I just need to rest. I need to get some sleep. 702 00:32:08,659 --> 00:32:09,921 Horrible. 703 00:32:12,696 --> 00:32:14,755 God, let me get away with this, 704 00:32:14,832 --> 00:32:19,030 and I swear I'll never stray from Alison again. Never. 705 00:32:19,103 --> 00:32:20,695 Howard On Radio: I just want to thank someone this morning. 706 00:32:20,771 --> 00:32:22,170 I want to thank Brittany Fairchild 707 00:32:22,239 --> 00:32:23,501 For having myself and Fred 708 00:32:23,574 --> 00:32:25,565 out to, uh, her new movie. It was really good. 709 00:32:25,643 --> 00:32:27,543 Fred, what'd you think of the movie? 710 00:32:27,611 --> 00:32:29,101 Fred: I was very moved. 711 00:32:29,179 --> 00:32:31,010 I think a lot of us were moved last night. 712 00:32:31,081 --> 00:32:33,914 CCC, AM 1290, FM 107... 713 00:32:58,442 --> 00:33:00,808 It's the fifth-largest market in the United States, 714 00:33:00,878 --> 00:33:02,345 and they want me to start tomorrow, 715 00:33:02,413 --> 00:33:03,903 which is a good sign, I think. 716 00:33:03,981 --> 00:33:05,380 That means they're, you know, 717 00:33:05,449 --> 00:33:07,883 they're really desperate for me, which I like. 718 00:33:07,952 --> 00:33:11,683 And they say they're gonna move the building to the best part of the city, 719 00:33:11,755 --> 00:33:14,656 which I think is good, too... You know, pump money into the facility. 720 00:33:14,725 --> 00:33:16,386 And the station manager says we are gonna be 721 00:33:16,460 --> 00:33:18,724 the most aggressive radio station in Detroit. 722 00:33:18,796 --> 00:33:21,492 We are gonna dominate the marketplace, which I lo... 723 00:33:26,870 --> 00:33:28,667 Are these yours? 724 00:33:31,375 --> 00:33:33,809 They're wet. 725 00:33:40,484 --> 00:33:42,952 Howard: Alison's not coming to Detroit. 726 00:33:43,020 --> 00:33:45,250 I should have just come home 727 00:33:45,322 --> 00:33:47,290 and told my wife everything, admitted the truth, 728 00:33:47,358 --> 00:33:49,349 'cause now my wife doesn't even trust me anymore, 729 00:33:49,426 --> 00:33:51,417 and I don't blame her because I don't trust me, either. 730 00:33:51,495 --> 00:33:55,056 I'm a stupid idiot. I'm so stupid! 731 00:33:55,132 --> 00:33:56,724 What am I gonna do? 732 00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:58,702 I don't know. 733 00:34:00,704 --> 00:34:02,604 I can always count on you for help, man. 734 00:34:02,673 --> 00:34:04,072 Thanks. I appreciate it. 735 00:34:09,813 --> 00:34:13,112 Listen, man, as soon as I get to Detroit and things start happenin', 736 00:34:13,183 --> 00:34:15,674 I'm gonna get these guys to hire you, all right? 737 00:34:15,753 --> 00:34:16,981 OK. 738 00:34:17,054 --> 00:34:19,955 Fred, I'm serious. I'm not gonna forget ya. 739 00:34:20,024 --> 00:34:21,252 Bye. 740 00:34:36,140 --> 00:34:38,005 # Cat scratch fever... # 741 00:34:38,075 --> 00:34:39,565 Howard. How you doing, man? 742 00:34:39,643 --> 00:34:40,837 How you doing, Marvin? 743 00:34:40,911 --> 00:34:42,640 - Good to see you. - Good to see you, too. 744 00:34:42,713 --> 00:34:45,181 Hey, Patricia Fonfara, meet Howard Stern. Your newslady. 745 00:34:45,249 --> 00:34:47,410 Hi. I'm really looking forward to working with you. 746 00:34:47,484 --> 00:34:48,951 The Duke of rock's just finishing up, 747 00:34:49,019 --> 00:34:51,010 and then we're gonna get right inside, so... 748 00:34:51,088 --> 00:34:52,988 Hey, Marvin, what happened to the new building? 749 00:34:53,057 --> 00:34:54,524 I told you, we're gonna build a new building. 750 00:34:54,591 --> 00:34:56,957 First we got to build an audience. Heh. 751 00:35:00,597 --> 00:35:02,497 Hey, the Duke of rock's gettin' ready to walk, 752 00:35:02,566 --> 00:35:04,193 but I want you to stick around, 753 00:35:04,268 --> 00:35:07,669 because we got a brand-new morning man... 754 00:35:07,738 --> 00:35:10,172 looks like Big Bird to me... 755 00:35:10,240 --> 00:35:11,730 coming next 756 00:35:11,809 --> 00:35:15,336 on W4106 FM. 757 00:35:15,412 --> 00:35:17,073 What's happening, man? 758 00:35:17,147 --> 00:35:18,580 Come on in, Big Bird. 759 00:35:18,649 --> 00:35:20,674 How you doing, man? Good to see ya. 760 00:35:20,784 --> 00:35:23,651 How's things? What's that? You're gonna do what? 761 00:35:23,721 --> 00:35:25,655 Is that ri... Well, now, how about that, kiddies? 762 00:35:25,723 --> 00:35:28,521 He's gonna have Kermit the Frog come in here and sing the Alphabet Song, 763 00:35:28,592 --> 00:35:29,524 isn't that somethin'? 764 00:35:29,593 --> 00:35:31,254 Coming up next on the Big Bird show. 765 00:35:31,328 --> 00:35:32,955 I got to go. See you at midnight tonight. 766 00:35:33,030 --> 00:35:34,292 This is the Duke of rock saying, 767 00:35:34,364 --> 00:35:36,059 If you can't be good, be bad, baby. 768 00:35:36,133 --> 00:35:37,259 Bye. 769 00:35:38,869 --> 00:35:40,632 Hi. How you doing? 770 00:35:40,704 --> 00:35:42,638 Howard Stern. Nice to see you. 771 00:35:42,706 --> 00:35:44,697 Listened to your show last night. It was great. 772 00:35:44,808 --> 00:35:46,241 Lookin' forward to working with you. 773 00:35:46,310 --> 00:35:48,437 Don't hurt yourself, man. 774 00:35:48,512 --> 00:35:50,309 OK, thanks. Thank you. 775 00:35:51,915 --> 00:35:52,904 Thank you. 776 00:35:52,983 --> 00:35:54,075 What am I thanking him for? 777 00:35:54,151 --> 00:35:55,311 Howard: So let's review. 778 00:35:55,385 --> 00:35:57,012 My life sucked, 779 00:35:57,087 --> 00:35:58,452 Alison dumped me, 780 00:35:58,522 --> 00:36:00,251 I didn't know if she'd ever come back to me, 781 00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:02,224 and now this dickwad is calling me Big Bird. 782 00:36:02,292 --> 00:36:04,783 106 FM, WWWW. 783 00:36:04,862 --> 00:36:06,921 I don't know. Something in me just snapped. 784 00:36:06,997 --> 00:36:08,430 My name is Howard Stern, 785 00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:10,467 and welcome to the new morning show. 786 00:36:10,534 --> 00:36:12,001 And we have a new feature for you. 787 00:36:12,069 --> 00:36:13,969 This is, uh, something special. 788 00:36:14,037 --> 00:36:17,529 We have a traffic copter now here at WWWW. 789 00:36:17,608 --> 00:36:20,771 Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day in the traffic copter. 790 00:36:20,844 --> 00:36:22,277 Mama, you there? 791 00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:23,574 Hello? Mama? Uh. 792 00:36:24,982 --> 00:36:26,415 Hello? 793 00:36:26,483 --> 00:36:28,849 Yes, hello. This is Mama Look-a boo boo day, 794 00:36:28,919 --> 00:36:32,878 the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area, 795 00:36:32,956 --> 00:36:34,480 I'm proud to say. 796 00:36:34,558 --> 00:36:36,685 Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, Mama. 797 00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,627 Tell me, uh, what's going on in the traffic? 798 00:36:39,696 --> 00:36:42,324 First, a political statement, if I may. 799 00:36:45,102 --> 00:36:47,696 Kill, Kill, Kill... 800 00:36:47,771 --> 00:36:48,965 The White Man, 801 00:36:49,039 --> 00:36:52,065 by Eugene Mama Look-a boo boo day. 802 00:36:52,142 --> 00:36:54,576 Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the pen. 803 00:36:54,645 --> 00:36:56,545 OK, here we go. 804 00:37:01,585 --> 00:37:04,816 Kill, kill, kill the white man. 805 00:37:09,092 --> 00:37:12,118 Kill him until he is dead. 806 00:37:13,897 --> 00:37:15,524 Kill the white man. 807 00:37:18,435 --> 00:37:20,096 Thank you. 808 00:37:25,843 --> 00:37:29,540 Yeah, hi. Can I speak to Alison Stern, please? 809 00:37:29,613 --> 00:37:32,081 Her husband Howard. 810 00:37:32,149 --> 00:37:33,639 It's Howard. 811 00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:38,681 Hello? 812 00:37:38,755 --> 00:37:43,283 # There must be some kind of way out of here # 813 00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:45,828 # Said the joker to the thief # 814 00:37:47,497 --> 00:37:50,489 # There's too much confusion # 815 00:37:51,735 --> 00:37:55,831 # I can't get no relief # 816 00:37:55,906 --> 00:37:57,965 # Businessmen, they'll # 817 00:37:58,041 --> 00:37:59,770 # They'll drink my wine # 818 00:37:59,843 --> 00:38:02,573 # Plowmen dig my earth... # 819 00:38:04,414 --> 00:38:06,314 You talk too much. 820 00:38:06,383 --> 00:38:08,010 And very important, 821 00:38:08,085 --> 00:38:10,178 I want the time and the temperature 822 00:38:10,254 --> 00:38:13,451 4 times every 15 minutes, not 3. 4. 823 00:38:13,523 --> 00:38:16,287 My grandmother died last night. 824 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:19,295 I spent all night with her in the hospital. 825 00:38:21,298 --> 00:38:23,357 She... She had a car accident. 826 00:38:25,035 --> 00:38:26,332 By the way, uh... 827 00:38:26,403 --> 00:38:29,031 It's 6:45. Temperature is, uh, 58 degrees. 828 00:38:29,106 --> 00:38:30,505 # No reason to get excited # 829 00:38:30,574 --> 00:38:32,565 Anyway, her head went through the windshield. 830 00:38:32,643 --> 00:38:34,110 You know, it's funny, but her last words... 831 00:38:34,177 --> 00:38:36,475 # The thief, he kindly spoke # 832 00:38:37,814 --> 00:38:40,715 # There are many here among us # 833 00:38:40,784 --> 00:38:42,149 I want you back so bad... 834 00:38:42,219 --> 00:38:46,178 # Who feel that life is but a joke # 835 00:38:46,256 --> 00:38:50,454 # But you and I, we've been through that # 836 00:38:50,527 --> 00:38:52,017 # And this not our fate... # 837 00:38:52,095 --> 00:38:53,528 Howard: I had, like, no listeners, 838 00:38:53,597 --> 00:38:55,292 and the couple of listeners I did have 839 00:38:55,365 --> 00:38:57,162 Would call in and tell me how bad I sucked 840 00:38:57,234 --> 00:38:58,724 on a regular basis. 841 00:38:58,802 --> 00:39:01,430 Although, I did manage to convince one of them to be my weather lady. 842 00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:03,097 Irene... the weather girl. 843 00:39:03,173 --> 00:39:04,435 Irene, are you there? 844 00:39:04,508 --> 00:39:06,703 It's cold, real cold, 845 00:39:06,777 --> 00:39:08,938 but your ass is gonna be plenty hot 846 00:39:09,012 --> 00:39:11,139 when I give you a good, hard butt-whipping. 847 00:39:11,214 --> 00:39:12,408 Tongue. 848 00:39:12,482 --> 00:39:14,211 What do you think about that? 849 00:39:14,284 --> 00:39:16,218 Turns you on, doesn't it, you little maggot? 850 00:39:16,286 --> 00:39:17,275 Yeah. 851 00:39:17,354 --> 00:39:19,083 Irene, thank you for the weather forecast. 852 00:39:19,156 --> 00:39:20,088 Shut up. 853 00:39:20,157 --> 00:39:21,624 We hope to hear from you tomorrow... 854 00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:22,886 Give us some more weather. 855 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,155 Bite me, you loser. 856 00:39:33,503 --> 00:39:36,301 You shaved your mustache. 857 00:39:37,874 --> 00:39:38,932 Jeez. Alison. 858 00:39:40,844 --> 00:39:42,471 It's great to see you. 859 00:39:42,546 --> 00:39:44,173 Al, I miss you so much. 860 00:39:44,247 --> 00:39:46,044 I'm feelin' so miserable since you left. 861 00:39:46,116 --> 00:39:48,175 I am just so uncomfortable in this Detroit. I'm... 862 00:39:48,251 --> 00:39:49,513 Howard... 863 00:39:49,586 --> 00:39:51,781 I'm willing to believe you didn't sleep with that girl. 864 00:39:51,855 --> 00:39:55,086 OK? And I understand you're a somewhat abnormal person 865 00:39:55,158 --> 00:39:57,388 with a somewhat abnormal job. That I can accept. 866 00:39:57,461 --> 00:39:59,326 I deal with abnormality every single day. 867 00:39:59,396 --> 00:40:01,261 I don't need everything in my life to be normal. 868 00:40:01,331 --> 00:40:03,526 And on the air, you do what you do. That's your job. 869 00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:07,263 But off the air, for me to be in this marriage... 870 00:40:07,337 --> 00:40:09,965 I need to know I'm the only one. 871 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,031 And I'm not saying that to pressure you. 872 00:40:12,109 --> 00:40:15,670 I'm saying it because it's just something I know about myself. 873 00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:18,044 So... if you need more time or whatever... 874 00:40:18,115 --> 00:40:20,549 I don't need any more time. 875 00:40:20,617 --> 00:40:23,313 I am just so madly in love with you. 876 00:40:23,387 --> 00:40:26,117 I don't... I don't need anyone else in my life. 877 00:40:26,189 --> 00:40:28,020 I never wanted anyone else in my life. 878 00:40:28,091 --> 00:40:29,683 All I want is you. 879 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,661 I just want you to forgive me. 880 00:40:36,967 --> 00:40:38,902 Thanks for coming back. 881 00:40:39,002 --> 00:40:40,230 Wow. 882 00:40:43,407 --> 00:40:46,376 Come on, you guys. Right up here looks perfect. 883 00:40:46,443 --> 00:40:47,842 Howard: Isn't Alison amazing? 884 00:40:47,911 --> 00:40:49,435 She's in town, like, 2 minutes, 885 00:40:49,513 --> 00:40:53,449 and already she's got a job working with a bunch of wackos. 886 00:40:53,517 --> 00:40:55,985 Excuse me. Mentally challenged. 887 00:40:56,019 --> 00:40:58,385 Nice day, huh? 888 00:40:58,455 --> 00:41:00,320 What can I do to help here? 889 00:41:00,390 --> 00:41:02,415 Well, I'm gonna set up lunch... 890 00:41:02,492 --> 00:41:03,459 OK. 891 00:41:03,527 --> 00:41:06,155 And you can play frisbee with the guys. 892 00:41:06,229 --> 00:41:08,993 Start again. Here we go. 893 00:41:09,032 --> 00:41:11,296 Oh. I'm so sorry. 894 00:41:11,368 --> 00:41:13,302 Listen, what you got to do is, 895 00:41:13,370 --> 00:41:14,962 you got to put this hand up, OK? 896 00:41:15,038 --> 00:41:16,903 And you got to try and catch it, OK? 897 00:41:16,973 --> 00:41:18,873 All right, here we go. 898 00:41:18,942 --> 00:41:20,534 Ready? Here we go. 899 00:41:22,679 --> 00:41:24,146 I'm so sorry. 900 00:41:25,482 --> 00:41:27,416 You know what we're gonna do? 901 00:41:27,484 --> 00:41:29,884 Just tell me that you're ready. Are you ready? 902 00:41:29,953 --> 00:41:31,352 Y-Yes. 903 00:41:33,023 --> 00:41:34,718 Howard! Howard! 904 00:41:34,791 --> 00:41:35,723 Marvin. 905 00:41:35,792 --> 00:41:37,657 I was hoping I'd find you here. 906 00:41:37,727 --> 00:41:39,524 I have some very exciting news! 907 00:41:39,596 --> 00:41:41,188 Oh. Are you all right? 908 00:41:41,264 --> 00:41:42,322 Yeah. Yeah. 909 00:41:42,399 --> 00:41:43,593 That was good. 910 00:41:43,667 --> 00:41:46,500 You just got to wait till somebody looks, OK? 911 00:41:46,570 --> 00:41:50,734 Hoo. Uh, well, we decided that Detroit has too many rock stations, 912 00:41:50,807 --> 00:41:53,332 so starting tomorrow we're starting a new format, 913 00:41:53,410 --> 00:41:55,378 and it'll give us a real great edge. 914 00:41:59,082 --> 00:42:01,016 # Ooh ooh # 915 00:42:01,084 --> 00:42:03,814 # Ooh-ooh-ooh dee dee # 916 00:42:03,887 --> 00:42:05,855 # Ooh doo # 917 00:42:05,922 --> 00:42:07,753 # Doo-doop doo-doo-doo # 918 00:42:07,824 --> 00:42:10,190 # Doo doo ooh # 919 00:42:10,260 --> 00:42:11,249 # Ooh-ooh-ooh dee dee... # 920 00:42:11,328 --> 00:42:12,727 Howdy, cowpokes. 921 00:42:12,796 --> 00:42:14,855 Uh, I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song, 922 00:42:14,931 --> 00:42:16,262 but I got to tell you something. 923 00:42:16,333 --> 00:42:18,267 I know a lot of you out there really love this music, 924 00:42:18,335 --> 00:42:19,768 but I just don't get it. 925 00:42:19,836 --> 00:42:20,996 Explain it to me. 926 00:42:21,071 --> 00:42:23,005 And maybe it's 'cause I went to college, 927 00:42:23,073 --> 00:42:25,007 and I never drove a truck 928 00:42:25,075 --> 00:42:27,942 and had sex with my daddy's sister, but... 929 00:42:28,011 --> 00:42:30,104 I guess what I'm trying to say is, I... 930 00:42:30,213 --> 00:42:31,771 I don't think I'm the man for this job. 931 00:42:31,848 --> 00:42:35,579 So this is your old pal Hopalong Howie saying I quit. 932 00:42:35,652 --> 00:42:36,949 L... I think I quit. 933 00:42:37,020 --> 00:42:39,318 # Ooh-ooh-ooh dee dee # 934 00:42:39,389 --> 00:42:41,983 # Ooh doo # 935 00:42:42,058 --> 00:42:44,026 # Doo-doop doo-doo-doo # 936 00:42:44,094 --> 00:42:46,289 # Doo doo ooh # 937 00:42:46,363 --> 00:42:48,729 # Ooh-ooh-ooh dee dee # 938 00:42:48,798 --> 00:42:50,095 # Oh # 939 00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:52,134 # Dee dee dee # 940 00:42:54,037 --> 00:42:55,732 What? 941 00:42:55,805 --> 00:42:56,863 Nothing. 942 00:43:08,018 --> 00:43:09,383 What is it? 943 00:43:09,452 --> 00:43:11,215 I feel like such a loser. 944 00:43:11,288 --> 00:43:13,984 It's not your fault. It was a lame station. 945 00:43:14,057 --> 00:43:15,422 Yeah, it was my fault. 946 00:43:15,492 --> 00:43:17,687 You can't blame a radio station. It's my screwup. 947 00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:19,023 In what way? 948 00:43:19,095 --> 00:43:21,029 In a way that I gotta figure out what I'm gonna be. 949 00:43:21,097 --> 00:43:23,065 I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys 950 00:43:23,133 --> 00:43:26,330 that runs around the country, you know, looking for work all the time. 951 00:43:26,403 --> 00:43:28,769 I don't want to end up like that. It's so sad. 952 00:43:28,838 --> 00:43:31,102 It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing. 953 00:43:31,174 --> 00:43:32,937 I should be talking about my personal life. 954 00:43:33,009 --> 00:43:34,943 I've got to get intimate. 955 00:43:35,011 --> 00:43:37,241 And every time I feel like I shouldn't say something, 956 00:43:37,314 --> 00:43:39,373 maybe I should just say it, just blurt it out, you know? 957 00:43:39,449 --> 00:43:42,179 I just got to let things fly. 958 00:43:42,252 --> 00:43:44,186 I got to go all the way. 959 00:43:44,287 --> 00:43:46,687 You didn't go all the way before? 960 00:43:46,756 --> 00:43:48,018 No. I mean... 961 00:43:48,091 --> 00:43:50,423 No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back. 962 00:43:53,396 --> 00:43:56,331 Then I guess you should go all the way. 963 00:43:58,435 --> 00:43:59,868 Hold the sign nice and low. 964 00:43:59,936 --> 00:44:01,563 With a big smile... Very sexy... 965 00:44:01,638 --> 00:44:02,969 This is about Howard coming to Washington. 966 00:44:03,039 --> 00:44:04,199 What's going on here? 967 00:44:04,307 --> 00:44:05,501 Um, we're shooting a movie. 968 00:44:05,575 --> 00:44:06,803 Hey, you got a permit? 969 00:44:06,876 --> 00:44:08,138 Uh, no, we don't have a permit, 970 00:44:08,211 --> 00:44:09,701 but this is, like, one line, 971 00:44:09,779 --> 00:44:11,542 and we'll be done with them in a second and we'll be out of your way. 972 00:44:11,615 --> 00:44:13,048 You can't be there, then. You're blocking the median. 973 00:44:13,116 --> 00:44:14,447 Come on, you're gonna have to move. 974 00:44:14,517 --> 00:44:16,212 Um, this if for the Howard Stern movie. 975 00:44:16,286 --> 00:44:17,947 Wait a minute. You said Howard Stern? 976 00:44:18,021 --> 00:44:19,215 Yeah. This is his movie. 977 00:44:19,322 --> 00:44:20,346 Is Howard here? 978 00:44:20,423 --> 00:44:22,015 No, he's not here today, not in this scene, 979 00:44:22,092 --> 00:44:23,150 but this is his movie. 980 00:44:23,226 --> 00:44:24,784 Come on. You got to move. 981 00:44:24,861 --> 00:44:26,556 Tsk. Give us a break. It'll take a second. 982 00:44:26,630 --> 00:44:27,892 Just look right at the camera, 983 00:44:27,964 --> 00:44:29,192 and say, "Howard comes to Washington." 984 00:44:29,232 --> 00:44:30,529 Howard comes to Washington. 985 00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:31,760 Hey, let's go! Come on! 986 00:44:31,835 --> 00:44:33,803 Howard's, like, a big fan of the cops. 987 00:44:33,870 --> 00:44:35,098 He loves you guys. 988 00:44:35,171 --> 00:44:36,570 We could have been done by now. 989 00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:37,834 Guess what. You are done. 990 00:44:37,907 --> 00:44:41,240 Howard: I was hired by an FM rock station, DC 101, 991 00:44:41,344 --> 00:44:43,812 and that's when I met the other woman in my life. 992 00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:45,313 Howard? 993 00:44:45,382 --> 00:44:47,976 Hi. I'm Robin Quivers, your newswoman. 994 00:44:48,051 --> 00:44:50,849 Oh. Oh, I'm really looking forward to working with you. 995 00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:51,909 It's great to meet you. 996 00:44:51,988 --> 00:44:52,920 Same here. 997 00:44:52,989 --> 00:44:54,616 Yeah, this is gonna be great. 998 00:44:54,691 --> 00:44:57,922 OK, I'm just gonna go over here and work on my script. 999 00:44:57,994 --> 00:44:59,985 We're almost set. 1000 00:45:00,063 --> 00:45:01,257 Ooh. 1001 00:45:04,801 --> 00:45:06,701 Ahem. 1002 00:45:06,770 --> 00:45:09,830 DC 101. Good morning. This is Howard Stern. 1003 00:45:09,906 --> 00:45:11,464 Welcome to the show. 1004 00:45:11,541 --> 00:45:13,771 I have a confession to make. 1005 00:45:13,843 --> 00:45:16,141 I did not get, uh, laid last night. 1006 00:45:16,212 --> 00:45:19,511 In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. 1007 00:45:19,582 --> 00:45:21,846 Now, give me a call here at DC 101 1008 00:45:21,918 --> 00:45:23,818 if you have the same kind of problem. 1009 00:45:23,887 --> 00:45:24,819 Having trouble with your woman? 1010 00:45:24,888 --> 00:45:26,515 Give me a call. I'll help you out. 1011 00:45:26,589 --> 00:45:28,489 Let me introduce, over here to my right, 1012 00:45:28,558 --> 00:45:32,255 my beautiful new newswoman Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful, 1013 00:45:32,295 --> 00:45:35,355 I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems. 1014 00:45:35,432 --> 00:45:39,300 But I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd. 1015 00:45:39,369 --> 00:45:41,303 I get hornier and hornier. 1016 00:45:41,371 --> 00:45:44,272 My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep. 1017 00:45:44,307 --> 00:45:46,298 The whole week goes by, she never gets horny. 1018 00:45:46,376 --> 00:45:48,640 Robin, as a woman, what is it? 1019 00:45:48,712 --> 00:45:50,737 Do women get horny? 1020 00:45:56,453 --> 00:45:58,683 Sometimes. 1021 00:45:58,755 --> 00:46:00,848 Why is he talking to his newsperson? 1022 00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:02,323 I'll have him stop. 1023 00:46:02,392 --> 00:46:03,916 What about you specifically, though? 1024 00:46:03,993 --> 00:46:07,588 When is the last time that you were with a man... 1025 00:46:07,664 --> 00:46:08,756 sexually? 1026 00:46:10,700 --> 00:46:12,190 About a year. 1027 00:46:12,268 --> 00:46:13,963 You're serious? 1028 00:46:14,037 --> 00:46:15,231 - A year? - Yeah. 1029 00:46:15,305 --> 00:46:16,602 A year, ladies and gentlemen. 1030 00:46:16,673 --> 00:46:17,935 Someone more pathetic than me. 1031 00:46:18,007 --> 00:46:19,668 This is good. This is good. We're getting somewhere. 1032 00:46:19,743 --> 00:46:20,835 This is a good discussion. 1033 00:46:20,910 --> 00:46:23,435 Uh, you know, I bought a book, 1034 00:46:23,513 --> 00:46:25,003 "How to Score with Babes," 1035 00:46:25,081 --> 00:46:26,480 and listen to what it says. 1036 00:46:26,549 --> 00:46:27,743 I think it's rather revealing. 1037 00:46:27,817 --> 00:46:30,115 "When attempting to score with a babe, 1038 00:46:30,186 --> 00:46:32,120 "make sure to wear tight pants. 1039 00:46:32,188 --> 00:46:35,282 "If necessary, stuff a semirigid, large object 1040 00:46:35,358 --> 00:46:36,552 "into your pants 1041 00:46:36,626 --> 00:46:39,026 to create the appearance of having a large penis." 1042 00:46:39,095 --> 00:46:40,960 Women like large penis. 1043 00:46:41,030 --> 00:46:43,294 Did he say "penis"? 1044 00:46:43,366 --> 00:46:44,833 I know about this stuff. 1045 00:46:44,901 --> 00:46:47,199 I have no bulge in my crotch. I have a small penis. 1046 00:46:47,270 --> 00:46:49,170 And I've never told anyone this before... 1047 00:46:49,239 --> 00:46:50,866 And I don't think you should start now. 1048 00:46:50,940 --> 00:46:53,272 Well, I've done it. Now the cat's out of the bag. 1049 00:46:53,343 --> 00:46:54,935 But this guy wrote a good book. 1050 00:46:55,011 --> 00:46:57,172 The author has slept with over 16,000 women, 1051 00:46:57,247 --> 00:46:58,737 and, uh, take it from him. 1052 00:46:58,815 --> 00:47:01,283 He says wear tight pants. 1053 00:47:01,351 --> 00:47:03,911 If he slept with 16,000 women, 1054 00:47:03,987 --> 00:47:06,751 he wouldn't have time to put on pants. 1055 00:47:06,823 --> 00:47:09,587 That is true, too. I didn't consider that. 1056 00:47:09,726 --> 00:47:10,920 Why don't you give me a call at DC 101 1057 00:47:11,027 --> 00:47:12,927 if you want to talk about this. 1058 00:47:13,029 --> 00:47:15,759 We'll be back right after these words. 1059 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:18,331 You're a genius. 1060 00:47:18,401 --> 00:47:19,595 That was great. 1061 00:47:19,669 --> 00:47:21,000 That was interesting. 1062 00:47:21,104 --> 00:47:23,095 Didn't that feel good? That was great. 1063 00:47:23,206 --> 00:47:25,504 You say whatever you want. 1064 00:47:25,608 --> 00:47:27,940 You have carte blanche. 1065 00:47:28,044 --> 00:47:30,945 You and Robin must not talk to each other on the air. 1066 00:47:31,047 --> 00:47:32,776 And don't sing along with the music. 1067 00:47:32,849 --> 00:47:34,441 And you know what else you could do? 1068 00:47:34,551 --> 00:47:36,746 I'd like you to memorize the names of the local high schools. 1069 00:47:36,853 --> 00:47:38,582 And don't criticize Washington. 1070 00:47:38,688 --> 00:47:40,280 It's not good for ratings. 1071 00:47:40,390 --> 00:47:43,655 Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like to talk to Robin alone for a second. 1072 00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:45,022 Wait. I wanted... 1073 00:47:45,128 --> 00:47:46,527 You know what I want you to do for me, 1074 00:47:46,596 --> 00:47:48,393 is to make up a grid of all your comedy bits 1075 00:47:48,498 --> 00:47:49,897 and the corresponding days of the week, 1076 00:47:49,966 --> 00:47:52,196 so that I'll know on which day you'll be doing which bit. 1077 00:47:52,302 --> 00:47:55,533 I told you I work spontaneously. I think that I... 1078 00:48:01,244 --> 00:48:03,269 Robin... don't encourage him. 1079 00:48:03,346 --> 00:48:05,314 He's better when he's toned down. 1080 00:48:05,415 --> 00:48:09,476 We need you to be a friend here, Robin. 1081 00:48:09,586 --> 00:48:11,747 I'll see what I can do. 1082 00:48:11,821 --> 00:48:13,652 Great. 1083 00:48:13,723 --> 00:48:14,985 Appreciate it, Robin. 1084 00:48:15,091 --> 00:48:16,149 - OK. - Thanks. 1085 00:48:18,228 --> 00:48:20,128 I think we should separate them. 1086 00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:23,131 Orioles over the Red Sox 3-2 last night, 1087 00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,133 extending the Os' winning streak to 7. 1088 00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:27,135 And finally, today is Memorial Day. 1089 00:48:27,237 --> 00:48:30,638 Sunny skies and warm temperatures for veterans marching in parades 1090 00:48:30,740 --> 00:48:32,139 across the metropolitan area. 1091 00:48:32,242 --> 00:48:35,143 Highs today in the 70s. It's 58 degrees... 1092 00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:38,146 You know, Robin, let me interrupt for a second. 1093 00:48:38,248 --> 00:48:40,148 I'm glad you brought up Memorial Day. 1094 00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:42,150 I was in Vietnam. I'd like to talk to you about it. 1095 00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:44,152 I had 11 kills in Vietnam, 1096 00:48:44,254 --> 00:48:47,655 and I'm telling you, I really should've had more. 1097 00:48:47,757 --> 00:48:49,657 Officially, I should've had more kills. 1098 00:48:49,759 --> 00:48:51,659 Let me tell you what I'm talking about. 1099 00:48:51,761 --> 00:48:53,695 I was in a gook village, and I come upon a schoolhouse. 1100 00:48:53,763 --> 00:48:55,526 So I grab one of my grenades off my belt, 1101 00:48:55,632 --> 00:48:57,361 and I throw it right into the schoolhouse. 1102 00:48:57,467 --> 00:48:59,628 And I blow up the whole damn thing. 1103 00:48:59,736 --> 00:49:01,761 So I'm out there counting all the bodies. 1104 00:49:01,871 --> 00:49:03,930 You threw a grenade into a school? 1105 00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:05,940 That's exactly what I'm telling you. 1106 00:49:06,042 --> 00:49:07,771 I must've killed, like, 200 kids. 1107 00:49:07,877 --> 00:49:10,471 My dickhead lieutenant comes up to me, and he says, 1108 00:49:10,580 --> 00:49:13,447 "Stern, those are little kids. That counts as one person." 1109 00:49:13,516 --> 00:49:15,450 Howard, I was in the military. 1110 00:49:15,518 --> 00:49:17,918 I was a captain in the Air Force. What were you? 1111 00:49:18,021 --> 00:49:19,420 What was I? 1112 00:49:19,522 --> 00:49:21,012 Yeah, what were you? 1113 00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:23,092 - What were you again? - I was a captain. 1114 00:49:23,159 --> 00:49:25,093 That's what I was. I was a captain. 1115 00:49:25,161 --> 00:49:26,594 And what were you in? 1116 00:49:26,696 --> 00:49:28,129 I was in Vietnam. 1117 00:49:28,231 --> 00:49:29,892 Ohh! Army? Navy? 1118 00:49:29,966 --> 00:49:30,898 In the Army. 1119 00:49:30,967 --> 00:49:32,901 Did you have a division? 1120 00:49:32,969 --> 00:49:33,901 103rd. 1121 00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:34,902 103rd what? 1122 00:49:34,971 --> 00:49:36,404 I was in the 103rd... 1123 00:49:36,506 --> 00:49:37,905 I don't know what I was in, Robin, 1124 00:49:37,974 --> 00:49:39,999 But I'm saying I was in the 103rd. 1125 00:49:40,076 --> 00:49:42,010 And the point of this whole thing 1126 00:49:42,078 --> 00:49:44,842 is that I think a kill is a kill is a kill, 1127 00:49:44,914 --> 00:49:47,348 and killing a kid should be just as good as killing an adult. 1128 00:49:47,450 --> 00:49:52,012 Well, I suppose even if you're killing children, they should count them. 1129 00:49:52,088 --> 00:49:55,080 I got some music for you now at DC 101. 1130 00:49:56,192 --> 00:49:57,284 Ha ha! 1131 00:49:58,695 --> 00:50:00,322 You're not even old enough to have been in Vietnam. 1132 00:50:00,430 --> 00:50:01,328 Duh. 1133 00:50:02,999 --> 00:50:05,365 I couldn't sit there and not say something. 1134 00:50:05,468 --> 00:50:07,868 I knew they had told me not to talk. 1135 00:50:07,937 --> 00:50:10,371 I knew I was going to get in trouble if I did. 1136 00:50:10,473 --> 00:50:12,373 But he was really onto something, 1137 00:50:12,475 --> 00:50:16,377 and I knew that there was something going on there... 1138 00:50:16,479 --> 00:50:18,879 and I just went for it. 1139 00:50:21,484 --> 00:50:23,918 Well, this just came from the FCC. 1140 00:50:24,020 --> 00:50:26,420 Did you say "testicles" on the air? 1141 00:50:26,489 --> 00:50:27,456 Wait a second. 1142 00:50:27,557 --> 00:50:29,422 Screw the FCC. We just lost Muffler Man. 1143 00:50:29,492 --> 00:50:31,426 Hold on. We have a real problem here. 1144 00:50:31,494 --> 00:50:32,927 I'm just trying to get ratings. 1145 00:50:33,029 --> 00:50:34,360 I am just trying to run a radio station. 1146 00:50:34,464 --> 00:50:36,056 I understand that, and I'm telling you 1147 00:50:36,132 --> 00:50:37,963 that the commercial sponsors are there once you get the ratings. 1148 00:50:38,034 --> 00:50:39,058 There's a big problem. 1149 00:50:39,135 --> 00:50:40,796 They're gonna be lining up 10 in a row. 1150 00:50:40,870 --> 00:50:42,997 You listen to me, you stupid asshole. 1151 00:50:43,106 --> 00:50:45,802 Radio is a business, and you just cost us $40,000. 1152 00:50:45,875 --> 00:50:49,504 Wait a second. If I do a lame show, it's never gonna take off. 1153 00:50:49,612 --> 00:50:51,512 I'm calm. I am perfectly calm. 1154 00:50:51,581 --> 00:50:54,379 D.C. Carpet canceled because of him. 1155 00:50:54,484 --> 00:50:56,315 Well, I've reached my limit. 1156 00:50:56,419 --> 00:50:58,580 I don't know about you, but my back is against the wall. 1157 00:50:58,688 --> 00:50:59,916 Will everyone just sit down? 1158 00:50:59,989 --> 00:51:01,115 I just want to say one thing. 1159 00:51:01,224 --> 00:51:02,623 I really think this show's starting to take off. 1160 00:51:02,692 --> 00:51:04,125 There's a buzz on the street about it. 1161 00:51:04,227 --> 00:51:06,127 If we just give it a chance, if we just take some time with it, 1162 00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:08,254 I think everything's gonna be OK. 1163 00:51:08,331 --> 00:51:10,231 Don't push your luck, Howard. 1164 00:51:10,333 --> 00:51:13,029 Robin Leach: The countdown to our "Live Life Like a Millionaire Sweepstakes" 1165 00:51:13,136 --> 00:51:14,194 is getting closer. 1166 00:51:14,270 --> 00:51:16,101 We're going to have winners take... 1167 00:51:16,172 --> 00:51:17,104 Hey! 1168 00:51:17,173 --> 00:51:18,197 Hi, honey. 1169 00:51:18,274 --> 00:51:20,674 Robin Leach says we should move to Antigua. 1170 00:51:20,777 --> 00:51:23,177 Oh, yeah? Come on, hurry up. 1171 00:51:23,279 --> 00:51:25,042 Snap to it. I'm ovulating. 1172 00:51:25,148 --> 00:51:28,049 I'm in the middle of important show research. 1173 00:51:28,151 --> 00:51:31,052 Howard, seriously, come on. 1174 00:51:31,154 --> 00:51:33,054 You know what? You're getting baby fever here. 1175 00:51:33,156 --> 00:51:34,555 And you know, maybe it's a little premature. 1176 00:51:34,624 --> 00:51:36,558 I'm about 3 days away from being fired, the way I figure it. 1177 00:51:36,626 --> 00:51:38,560 And do you want to know something? 1178 00:51:38,628 --> 00:51:40,061 You got to think about the economics of this. 1179 00:51:40,163 --> 00:51:42,063 You're gonna be the best morning man in the history of radio. 1180 00:51:42,165 --> 00:51:43,723 At any minute, you're gonna be number one. 1181 00:51:43,833 --> 00:51:45,061 - Is that so? - Yeah! Strip! 1182 00:51:45,168 --> 00:51:46,396 Let me tell you something. Look at yourself. 1183 00:51:46,469 --> 00:51:47,902 You're completely on fire about having a baby. 1184 00:51:48,004 --> 00:51:49,904 You don't understand. I'm not a piece of meat. 1185 00:51:50,006 --> 00:51:51,633 I mean, I have to be romanced. 1186 00:51:51,741 --> 00:51:53,572 Oh, yeah. Please. 1187 00:51:53,643 --> 00:51:56,578 Ooh, look at that bra. Where did you get that? 1188 00:51:56,646 --> 00:51:57,806 You like this? 1189 00:51:57,914 --> 00:51:59,313 OK. That's it. That's it! 1190 00:51:59,382 --> 00:52:01,247 I am making a baby! 1191 00:52:01,317 --> 00:52:03,376 It's baby time! I'm ready to give you a baby. 1192 00:52:03,486 --> 00:52:04,384 Thank you. 1193 00:52:04,487 --> 00:52:05,385 Hold on. 1194 00:52:08,124 --> 00:52:09,523 OK. Now I'm hot. 1195 00:52:09,592 --> 00:52:11,025 Now I actually want to have sex. 1196 00:52:11,127 --> 00:52:12,719 I didn't before and now I do. 1197 00:52:12,829 --> 00:52:14,160 Announcer On TV: Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous... 1198 00:52:15,231 --> 00:52:16,664 Robin, watch this. 1199 00:52:21,237 --> 00:52:22,465 What am I doing? 1200 00:52:22,572 --> 00:52:24,335 Uh, having a seizure? 1201 00:52:24,407 --> 00:52:26,341 No, that's not a seizure. That's me dancing 1202 00:52:26,409 --> 00:52:29,503 because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night. 1203 00:52:29,612 --> 00:52:30,840 - Oh! - Yeah, I really did. 1204 00:52:30,947 --> 00:52:32,847 In fact, it was not for lust. 1205 00:52:32,949 --> 00:52:34,507 It was 'cause I was making a kid. 1206 00:52:34,584 --> 00:52:36,518 - Oh. - In fact, my wife's eggs are very old. 1207 00:52:36,586 --> 00:52:38,383 They're very, you know, she's getting older. 1208 00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:39,887 But my sperm is like supersperm, 1209 00:52:39,989 --> 00:52:42,116 so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot. 1210 00:52:42,225 --> 00:52:44,125 Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine. 1211 00:52:44,227 --> 00:52:46,127 My sperm are fantastic. I'm fantastic. 1212 00:52:46,229 --> 00:52:48,629 I'm in a good mood. Let's take some phone calls 1213 00:52:48,698 --> 00:52:50,131 and see what's doing out there. 1214 00:52:50,233 --> 00:52:51,632 - OK. - Hi, you're on the air. 1215 00:52:51,701 --> 00:52:53,191 Woman Caller: Hi, is this Howard Stern? 1216 00:52:53,269 --> 00:52:54,361 This is Howard. 1217 00:52:54,437 --> 00:52:55,870 Oh, whoa. Anyway, I was calling 1218 00:52:55,972 --> 00:52:57,701 because I have a really big problem. 1219 00:52:57,807 --> 00:52:58,933 What's your problem? 1220 00:52:59,008 --> 00:53:00,498 Well, every morning I lie in bed, 1221 00:53:00,610 --> 00:53:02,043 and the only thing I can do is think of you. 1222 00:53:02,111 --> 00:53:04,705 Oh, really? Well, let's see if we can't help you with your problem. 1223 00:53:04,814 --> 00:53:06,042 What do you look like? 1224 00:53:06,115 --> 00:53:09,676 Well, I've got blond hair, and I've got blue eyes, 1225 00:53:09,752 --> 00:53:13,188 and my measurements are about 38-24-34. 1226 00:53:13,289 --> 00:53:16,053 Some people tell me I look a lot like Farrah Fawcett. 1227 00:53:16,125 --> 00:53:18,150 I can help you. Robin, I can help this girl. 1228 00:53:18,261 --> 00:53:20,661 You know, we have the most beautiful audience. 1229 00:53:20,730 --> 00:53:23,221 We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way. 1230 00:53:23,299 --> 00:53:24,664 You know what we're gonna do to solve your problem? 1231 00:53:24,734 --> 00:53:26,702 I'm gonna have sex with you right now over the radio. 1232 00:53:26,769 --> 00:53:28,168 Caller: How are we gonna do that? 1233 00:53:28,271 --> 00:53:30,501 Very simple. I've thought this through, Robin. 1234 00:53:30,573 --> 00:53:33,167 First of all, what kind of radio are you listening to us on? 1235 00:53:33,276 --> 00:53:36,177 You have a transistor radio, or you have one of those big sound systems? 1236 00:53:36,279 --> 00:53:37,712 Caller: I have one of those big sound systems. 1237 00:53:37,780 --> 00:53:38,838 Good. OK. 1238 00:53:38,948 --> 00:53:40,677 Could you turn the treble all the way down 1239 00:53:40,750 --> 00:53:41,978 and put the bass all the way up? 1240 00:53:43,486 --> 00:53:46,319 OK. The treble's down, and the bass is up. 1241 00:53:46,422 --> 00:53:48,788 Howard: Take your speaker... You got a big speaker? 1242 00:53:48,925 --> 00:53:49,721 Caller: Yes, I do. 1243 00:53:49,792 --> 00:53:51,225 Lay it flat on the floor. 1244 00:53:51,294 --> 00:53:53,990 And I want you to sort of straddle the speaker. 1245 00:53:54,063 --> 00:53:55,496 - Howard! - Caller: Do what? 1246 00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:58,363 A woman cannot be aroused in that way. 1247 00:53:58,434 --> 00:54:00,698 Howard: No. This is really wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong. 1248 00:54:00,770 --> 00:54:02,704 In fact, my father was a radio engineer, 1249 00:54:02,772 --> 00:54:04,865 and he proved this theory years ago. 1250 00:54:04,941 --> 00:54:06,431 You've got to believe. 1251 00:54:06,509 --> 00:54:09,876 Now, what I need you to do is put your private area over the woofer. 1252 00:54:09,946 --> 00:54:11,208 Caller: I can't believe you're really making me to do this. 1253 00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:12,770 Howard: Come on, do it. 1254 00:54:12,815 --> 00:54:15,147 Right up against it so you can feel me. 1255 00:54:18,654 --> 00:54:19,621 I'm on. 1256 00:54:19,689 --> 00:54:21,748 Robin: Oh, I have to ask her a question. 1257 00:54:21,824 --> 00:54:25,954 What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio? 1258 00:54:26,028 --> 00:54:27,723 Don't answer that question. Bad question. 1259 00:54:27,797 --> 00:54:29,560 You're gonna ruin this woman's mood. 1260 00:54:29,632 --> 00:54:31,566 She might start second-guessing. 1261 00:54:31,634 --> 00:54:32,828 Are you ready to have sex? 1262 00:54:32,902 --> 00:54:34,335 Caller, Giggling: Oh, my God. 1263 00:54:38,241 --> 00:54:40,368 Ooh! 1264 00:54:41,978 --> 00:54:43,002 Oohh! 1265 00:54:43,079 --> 00:54:45,639 Ooh. It kinda tingles. 1266 00:54:45,715 --> 00:54:48,206 See? It tingles. She likes it. 1267 00:54:48,284 --> 00:54:49,216 Yeah, sure. 1268 00:54:53,189 --> 00:54:55,680 Ohh! Oh... 1269 00:54:58,461 --> 00:54:59,826 She's full of it. 1270 00:55:02,331 --> 00:55:03,696 Aahh! 1271 00:55:03,766 --> 00:55:07,668 Ohh! Oh, God! Oh! 1272 00:55:07,737 --> 00:55:09,068 Listen to her. She's going wild. 1273 00:55:09,138 --> 00:55:10,765 You got me moaning. 1274 00:55:25,755 --> 00:55:26,687 Oh, my goodness. 1275 00:55:28,891 --> 00:55:31,689 Ohhh! 1276 00:55:33,429 --> 00:55:35,659 This is the best sex I ever had. 1277 00:55:35,731 --> 00:55:37,665 Ooh! Standing ovation. Thank you. 1278 00:55:37,733 --> 00:55:38,825 - Oh, boy. - Thank you. 1279 00:55:38,901 --> 00:55:40,493 Robin: Take your bows. 1280 00:55:41,604 --> 00:55:44,038 A woman on the air had an orgasm. 1281 00:55:44,106 --> 00:55:45,539 Have you lost your mind? 1282 00:55:45,608 --> 00:55:47,041 But you got to admit, it was a funny bit. 1283 00:55:47,109 --> 00:55:48,542 The audience loved that stuff. 1284 00:55:48,611 --> 00:55:50,044 We just lost Stereo City. 1285 00:55:50,112 --> 00:55:52,342 This is not Muffler Man. This is Stereo fucking City. 1286 00:55:52,415 --> 00:55:54,212 Dee Dee, you know there's gonna be other sponsors. 1287 00:55:54,283 --> 00:55:57,150 No, there's not, Howard, 'cause your career is over. You're finished. 1288 00:55:57,219 --> 00:55:59,016 Come on! How can you say that? 1289 00:55:59,088 --> 00:56:00,715 Dee Dee, I don't believe it. 1290 00:56:00,790 --> 00:56:02,815 He's up. 1291 00:56:02,892 --> 00:56:03,916 He's up? 1292 00:56:03,993 --> 00:56:06,018 In the new ratings book, he's up... 2 points. 1293 00:56:06,095 --> 00:56:07,619 Howard: I love you. 1294 00:56:07,697 --> 00:56:10,131 2 full points, and Pizza Shack called. 1295 00:56:10,199 --> 00:56:12,133 They want to buy time on the Stern show. 1296 00:56:12,201 --> 00:56:14,135 I go to Pizza Shack all the time. Great. 1297 00:56:14,203 --> 00:56:16,137 This is a great time to talk 1298 00:56:16,205 --> 00:56:17,638 about putting some money into the show. 1299 00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:19,368 I know a guy, he does voices, he does comedy. 1300 00:56:19,442 --> 00:56:21,876 Absolutely not. This could be a fluke. 1301 00:56:21,944 --> 00:56:25,243 I guarantee you we'll go up 2 full rating points if you hire this guy. 1302 00:56:25,314 --> 00:56:26,838 This guy must be hot. 1303 00:56:26,916 --> 00:56:28,850 This guy is total personality. 1304 00:56:28,918 --> 00:56:30,408 He's electric. 1305 00:56:40,429 --> 00:56:43,159 Hey, Rick. How's tricks, buddy? 1306 00:56:43,232 --> 00:56:44,665 I've been coughing all day. 1307 00:56:44,734 --> 00:56:48,170 I feel like I'm about to cough up a lung. 1308 00:56:48,237 --> 00:56:51,400 Blecch! 1309 00:56:51,474 --> 00:56:53,032 Waaa! 1310 00:56:53,109 --> 00:56:55,942 Both: Oh, no! It's Lucy! 1311 00:56:55,978 --> 00:56:57,878 # You got me so I can't sleep at night # 1312 00:56:57,947 --> 00:57:01,383 # Girl, you really got me now # 1313 00:57:01,450 --> 00:57:04,044 # You got me so I don't know where I'm going # 1314 00:57:04,120 --> 00:57:05,712 Howard: Thank you very much. 1315 00:57:05,788 --> 00:57:07,722 # Yeah, you really got me now # 1316 00:57:07,790 --> 00:57:10,258 # You got me so I can't sleep at night # 1317 00:57:10,326 --> 00:57:13,352 # You really got me, You really got me... # 1318 00:57:13,429 --> 00:57:15,624 Howard: Once the three of us were together, everything felt right. 1319 00:57:15,698 --> 00:57:16,661 I mean, things really started to take off. 1320 00:57:16,662 --> 00:57:17,624 I mean, things really started to take off. 1321 00:57:17,700 --> 00:57:20,396 It was then that I made a startling discovery. 1322 00:57:20,469 --> 00:57:23,802 She's a beautiful girl. You're telling me this beautiful woman is a lesbian? 1323 00:57:23,873 --> 00:57:26,103 Howard: Lesbians equal ratings. 1324 00:57:26,175 --> 00:57:27,767 Now let me say something. 1325 00:57:27,843 --> 00:57:29,470 I am the hero of the lesbian community, 1326 00:57:29,545 --> 00:57:30,637 am I not, Robin? 1327 00:57:30,713 --> 00:57:31,805 I guess you are. 1328 00:57:31,881 --> 00:57:33,007 I absolutely am. 1329 00:57:33,115 --> 00:57:34,810 All right. Now, let's get into it. 1330 00:57:34,884 --> 00:57:38,945 Julie, I want you to tell us about your first lesbianic experience. 1331 00:57:39,021 --> 00:57:40,147 OK. 1332 00:57:40,222 --> 00:57:42,656 Tell me about the secret world of lesbian sex. 1333 00:57:42,725 --> 00:57:44,659 Well, Howard, I was 18. 1334 00:57:44,727 --> 00:57:46,160 Oh, you were so young. 1335 00:57:46,228 --> 00:57:48,662 Right. And I was working at a summer camp. 1336 00:57:48,731 --> 00:57:49,663 Yes? 1337 00:57:49,732 --> 00:57:51,996 And I was lying in my bunk, 1338 00:57:52,034 --> 00:57:54,161 and the camp director's wife walked in. 1339 00:57:54,236 --> 00:57:55,635 Ooh, now, that's hot. 1340 00:57:55,704 --> 00:57:57,831 Uh, everyone was asleep, 1341 00:57:57,907 --> 00:57:59,670 and I'm lying in my bunk, 1342 00:57:59,742 --> 00:58:01,175 and she sees me looking at her. 1343 00:58:01,243 --> 00:58:02,676 Howard: And then what happens? 1344 00:58:02,745 --> 00:58:05,179 She, like, signals for me to go with her. 1345 00:58:05,247 --> 00:58:06,680 What are you sleeping in? 1346 00:58:06,749 --> 00:58:08,182 'Cause this is what I picture. 1347 00:58:08,250 --> 00:58:10,184 Little cotton panties, a tight little undershirt. 1348 00:58:10,252 --> 00:58:12,413 No. I'm wearing, like, little baby-doll pajamas. 1349 00:58:12,488 --> 00:58:14,581 Oh, you tease. 1350 00:58:14,657 --> 00:58:17,592 So then she takes me into this tent. 1351 00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:20,629 When you walk in, lesbians all over the place, right? 1352 00:58:20,696 --> 00:58:23,290 I mean, a whole lesbian sex festival, right? 1353 00:58:23,365 --> 00:58:25,629 Oh, you know it, Howard. 1354 00:58:25,701 --> 00:58:26,668 Man: Howard? 1355 00:58:26,735 --> 00:58:27,667 Ohh! 1356 00:58:27,736 --> 00:58:28,668 Howard? 1357 00:58:28,737 --> 00:58:31,205 Alison on line 3. It is important. 1358 00:58:31,273 --> 00:58:33,503 Do you believe this, in the middle of Lesbian Dating Game, 1359 00:58:33,576 --> 00:58:35,009 my wife calls in? 1360 00:58:35,077 --> 00:58:36,977 Robin: Maybe she wants to play. 1361 00:58:37,046 --> 00:58:38,980 Honey, you want to play? You want a date with Julie? 1362 00:58:39,048 --> 00:58:40,481 Alison: Am I on the air? 1363 00:58:40,549 --> 00:58:41,982 Yes, honey, of course you're on the air. 1364 00:58:42,051 --> 00:58:43,985 I told them I wanted to talk to you off the air. 1365 00:58:44,053 --> 00:58:46,988 But, honey, you're in the middle of interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment. 1366 00:58:47,056 --> 00:58:49,149 You've got to tell everyone. My audience wants to know why you're interrupting. 1367 00:58:49,225 --> 00:58:50,522 Don't you want to know, Robin? 1368 00:58:50,593 --> 00:58:51,992 I think we deserve to. 1369 00:58:52,061 --> 00:58:55,724 Yes, honey... Uh-oh, Al? I think she's gone. 1370 00:58:55,798 --> 00:58:57,663 Alison: No. I'm pregnant. 1371 00:58:57,733 --> 00:58:59,166 What? 1372 00:58:59,235 --> 00:59:01,169 Alison: I'm pregnant. 1373 00:59:01,237 --> 00:59:04,172 Robin: Congratulations, Howard. 1374 00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:08,006 It's my supersperm. I knew my supersperm would do it, Robin. 1375 00:59:08,077 --> 00:59:09,066 You're so blessed. 1376 00:59:09,111 --> 00:59:10,442 Julie says we're blessed, honey, 1377 00:59:10,513 --> 00:59:11,980 and Julie would know these things. 1378 00:59:12,047 --> 00:59:14,015 Alison: Well, I appreciate her support. Can we talk privately now? 1379 00:59:14,083 --> 00:59:15,243 Absolutely, sweetheart. 1380 00:59:15,317 --> 00:59:16,614 Wait a minute. Does she know what she's gonna have? 1381 00:59:16,685 --> 00:59:17,879 Is it gonna be a lesbian? 1382 00:59:17,953 --> 00:59:19,818 Oh, please, Robin! You've gone too far. 1383 00:59:19,889 --> 00:59:22,983 No offense, Julie. Please, I don't need this aggravation. 1384 00:59:23,058 --> 00:59:26,084 We're gonna take a break. We'll get back to making out with the lesbians 1385 00:59:26,128 --> 00:59:27,595 right after these words. 1386 00:59:28,998 --> 00:59:30,431 - Hi. - Alison: Hey. 1387 00:59:30,499 --> 00:59:31,625 I can't believe it. 1388 00:59:31,700 --> 00:59:33,133 I can't believe you made me do that on the air. 1389 00:59:33,202 --> 00:59:34,635 It's so exciting. Did you call your mother? 1390 00:59:34,703 --> 00:59:36,136 I called, I called. I feel so different. 1391 00:59:36,205 --> 00:59:37,137 I know. 1392 00:59:37,206 --> 00:59:38,639 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 1393 00:59:38,707 --> 00:59:40,140 I'm flipping out, too. 1394 00:59:40,209 --> 00:59:41,642 I'm somebody's father. 1395 00:59:41,710 --> 00:59:43,473 Oh, my God! 1396 00:59:44,647 --> 00:59:47,081 Reporter: Love him or hate him, 1397 00:59:47,149 --> 00:59:48,446 unconventional disc jockey Howard Stern 1398 00:59:48,551 --> 00:59:50,451 jumped to the top of the ratings today, 1399 00:59:50,553 --> 00:59:52,521 making him number one in greater Washington. 1400 00:59:52,588 --> 00:59:55,580 Howard On TV: I took a dump of a radio station and returned it to glory. 1401 00:59:55,658 --> 00:59:57,592 Howard In Living Room: I look like Hitler. 1402 00:59:57,660 --> 00:59:59,594 Howard, Narrating: I was thrilled, totally overjoyed. 1403 00:59:59,662 --> 01:00:02,096 I mean, we were gonna have our first child, 1404 01:00:02,164 --> 01:00:04,598 and 6 weeks later, the new ratings came out. 1405 01:00:04,667 --> 01:00:07,101 We destroyed every other station in the market. 1406 01:00:07,169 --> 01:00:08,602 My life was perfect. 1407 01:00:08,671 --> 01:00:10,605 I'm gonna grab this guy's hat, 1408 01:00:10,673 --> 01:00:12,106 if they show it. 1409 01:00:16,111 --> 01:00:18,045 Howard On TV: I'll tell you another thing... 1410 01:00:18,113 --> 01:00:19,546 Look, watch this. 1411 01:00:19,615 --> 01:00:21,048 You're gonna miss it. 1412 01:00:21,116 --> 01:00:22,048 Come here. 1413 01:00:22,117 --> 01:00:24,517 Howard On TV: I am Officer Howie, 1414 01:00:24,587 --> 01:00:27,886 and there's a new law in town. We're taking it over. 1415 01:00:29,124 --> 01:00:30,056 Alison: How! 1416 01:00:30,125 --> 01:00:31,558 I love you. 1417 01:00:33,629 --> 01:00:35,563 Al, you OK? 1418 01:00:35,631 --> 01:00:38,896 I think something's wrong. 1419 01:00:38,968 --> 01:00:41,402 Even if I'd put you in the hospital 1420 01:00:41,503 --> 01:00:43,903 and I pumped you full of every medication possible, 1421 01:00:43,973 --> 01:00:46,464 you still would've lost the pregnancy. 1422 01:00:58,520 --> 01:01:01,421 Your body rejected what was going on. 1423 01:01:01,523 --> 01:01:04,424 And that's so healthy. It's such a good way to look at it. 1424 01:01:04,526 --> 01:01:07,427 And in a couple of months, we're gonna try to have a baby again, 1425 01:01:07,529 --> 01:01:08,928 and everything's gonna go great. 1426 01:01:08,998 --> 01:01:11,933 You're gonna be totally confident that everything's going good 1427 01:01:12,001 --> 01:01:14,026 because you know your body would reject it 1428 01:01:14,136 --> 01:01:16,036 if it wasn't going right... you know? 1429 01:01:19,141 --> 01:01:21,041 I have to tell my parents. 1430 01:01:22,611 --> 01:01:25,045 Not really. We don't have to tell your parents. 1431 01:01:25,147 --> 01:01:27,547 You know what you could do? 1432 01:01:29,151 --> 01:01:31,051 I didn't want to tell you this, 1433 01:01:31,153 --> 01:01:33,553 but I took a polaroid of the toilet. 1434 01:01:33,622 --> 01:01:36,557 And we can just mail them a picture of that, 1435 01:01:36,625 --> 01:01:38,559 and they can walk around Florida, you know, 1436 01:01:38,627 --> 01:01:40,060 and say it was our grandchild, 1437 01:01:40,162 --> 01:01:42,062 and your mother will be so happy. 1438 01:01:42,164 --> 01:01:44,064 She just wants pictures to show her friends. 1439 01:01:44,166 --> 01:01:45,565 - No. - You know that. 1440 01:01:45,634 --> 01:01:48,068 She just wants to be like all the other yentas who walk around. 1441 01:01:48,170 --> 01:01:52,072 You know, we could name the baby and everything. Clumpy... Clumpy Stern. 1442 01:01:52,174 --> 01:01:56,076 She could walk around with your father and little Clumpy pictures. 1443 01:01:57,446 --> 01:01:59,380 Chorus, On Tape: # All the weather # 1444 01:01:59,481 --> 01:02:01,745 # Now here's God # 1445 01:02:01,817 --> 01:02:02,749 Your Holiness. 1446 01:02:02,818 --> 01:02:04,080 Howard As God: Hello, Howard. 1447 01:02:04,186 --> 01:02:05,585 There you are. 1448 01:02:05,654 --> 01:02:07,588 I see your wife had a miscarriage. 1449 01:02:07,656 --> 01:02:09,089 Aw, don't bring that up, God. 1450 01:02:09,191 --> 01:02:10,590 Please, that's way too personal. 1451 01:02:10,659 --> 01:02:14,095 You tried to have a baby, and you failed. 1452 01:02:14,196 --> 01:02:15,094 Oh, man! 1453 01:02:15,197 --> 01:02:17,597 Now the baby is with me! 1454 01:02:17,666 --> 01:02:19,099 This is crazy. 1455 01:02:19,201 --> 01:02:21,101 Boy, what a loser you are. 1456 01:02:21,203 --> 01:02:24,104 Wow! He's getting awfully personal this morning. 1457 01:02:24,206 --> 01:02:26,606 Hey, God, me and my wife are trying to have another baby. 1458 01:02:26,675 --> 01:02:28,836 A real man would have done it right the first time. 1459 01:02:28,944 --> 01:02:30,343 Oh, for God's sake. 1460 01:02:30,446 --> 01:02:33,347 - It'll be pleasant today. Rain tomorrow. 1461 01:02:33,449 --> 01:02:34,848 That's my kid up there. 1462 01:02:34,950 --> 01:02:38,386 This is God with the weather on DC 101. 1463 01:02:38,454 --> 01:02:39,614 You're all wrong, God. 1464 01:02:39,688 --> 01:02:41,553 You're completely out of line this morning. 1465 01:02:41,623 --> 01:02:44,057 I don't think we should be talking about this. 1466 01:02:44,126 --> 01:02:47,391 I went to the doctor with my wife, and it was an awful experience, 1467 01:02:47,496 --> 01:02:49,896 because the doctor walks out, and there's the kid, 1468 01:02:49,965 --> 01:02:51,057 your beautiful child, 1469 01:02:51,133 --> 01:02:53,397 and he's no bigger than the size of an aspirin. 1470 01:02:53,502 --> 01:02:55,902 Howie Jr., no bigger than the size of an aspirin. 1471 01:02:55,971 --> 01:02:57,404 Robin: Was it a boy? 1472 01:02:57,506 --> 01:02:59,406 It was a boy, yes. He had a little tiny penis. 1473 01:02:59,508 --> 01:03:02,636 And then you look at him, and he's in the formaldehyde jar. 1474 01:03:02,711 --> 01:03:04,645 And I said to my wife, "Honey, don't be upset 1475 01:03:04,713 --> 01:03:06,647 that Howard Jr.'s in a formaldehyde jar. 1476 01:03:06,715 --> 01:03:08,649 We're gonna take him out of this office, we'll bring him home, 1477 01:03:08,717 --> 01:03:10,708 and next week we'll bring him to the zoo in a stroller." 1478 01:03:10,786 --> 01:03:12,583 Oh, please! 1479 01:03:12,654 --> 01:03:14,246 I don't want to talk about it, Robin. 1480 01:03:14,356 --> 01:03:15,687 I really think you need counseling. 1481 01:03:15,758 --> 01:03:18,022 I'm gonna play a record. DC 101. 1482 01:03:18,093 --> 01:03:20,084 We got some great tunes for you this morning, 1483 01:03:20,162 --> 01:03:23,222 and then Robin will analyze me when we get back from this song. 1484 01:03:23,298 --> 01:03:25,289 Very sad music. 1485 01:03:26,502 --> 01:03:28,834 Not that, Fred. Play something else, please. 1486 01:03:28,904 --> 01:03:30,337 For God's sake. 1487 01:03:30,439 --> 01:03:33,602 DC 101. Here's rock 'n' roll for you. 1488 01:03:41,683 --> 01:03:44,117 Hi. Al, you home? 1489 01:03:46,922 --> 01:03:48,856 Hi. How you feeling? You OK? 1490 01:03:48,924 --> 01:03:50,858 How could you do that? Do you think that was funny? 1491 01:03:50,926 --> 01:03:53,861 You think it's funny to make jokes about our personal life like that? 1492 01:03:53,929 --> 01:03:55,362 You're an asshole! 1493 01:03:55,464 --> 01:03:57,193 What are you talking about? 1494 01:03:57,299 --> 01:03:59,392 Alison, I love you. What are you talking about? 1495 01:03:59,501 --> 01:04:01,401 Howard, not everything is for your audience. 1496 01:04:01,503 --> 01:04:04,097 I need a life that is ours, that belongs to us. 1497 01:04:04,173 --> 01:04:06,141 I'm on the air 5 hours a day. I'm trying to come up with material. 1498 01:04:06,208 --> 01:04:07,368 I hate going out. 1499 01:04:07,476 --> 01:04:08,807 Too bad! 1500 01:04:08,877 --> 01:04:11,141 I said when we came here, if I was gonna win on the radio, 1501 01:04:11,213 --> 01:04:12,942 I'd have to talk about everything. I couldn't hold back. 1502 01:04:13,048 --> 01:04:15,881 - Howard... - Come on, last night we were laughing about this. 1503 01:04:15,951 --> 01:04:17,976 I just assumed you thought it was funny. 1504 01:04:18,053 --> 01:04:19,782 It was funny for us last night. 1505 01:04:19,855 --> 01:04:21,117 Privately, for us. 1506 01:04:21,190 --> 01:04:23,090 Alison, if I don't talk about you and me on the air... 1507 01:04:23,158 --> 01:04:24,090 Shut up. Shut up. 1508 01:04:24,159 --> 01:04:25,592 The audience isn't gonna be there. 1509 01:04:25,694 --> 01:04:26,592 Shut up! Shut up! 1510 01:04:26,695 --> 01:04:27,593 I won't make any money. 1511 01:04:27,696 --> 01:04:28,594 Shut up! You disgust me! 1512 01:04:28,697 --> 01:04:30,562 I can't even look at you, idiot! 1513 01:04:34,903 --> 01:04:36,336 It's hard, you know. 1514 01:04:36,438 --> 01:04:40,841 When he shares our most personal details of our life together 1515 01:04:40,909 --> 01:04:43,343 with, you know, millions of listeners, it's... 1516 01:04:45,714 --> 01:04:49,115 I wish that there were more things that could be just ours. 1517 01:04:51,720 --> 01:04:54,621 But I think it's right that I go crazy, you know? 1518 01:04:54,723 --> 01:04:58,625 You know, I think... I don't know. 1519 01:04:58,727 --> 01:05:00,126 It's not simple. 1520 01:05:03,131 --> 01:05:07,932 Our entire Washington radio audience has disappeared. 1521 01:05:08,003 --> 01:05:10,437 It seems the competition has a disc jockey 1522 01:05:10,539 --> 01:05:14,703 that's caused a bit of a shift in the listening patterns. 1523 01:05:14,776 --> 01:05:19,475 One disc jockey has wiped out our entire audience? 1524 01:05:20,649 --> 01:05:21,946 Can we get him? 1525 01:05:23,252 --> 01:05:25,812 I've got such good news. It's gonna blow your mind. 1526 01:05:25,888 --> 01:05:27,321 All right. You go first. 1527 01:05:27,389 --> 01:05:29,823 OK. All right, That's rude. You go first. 1528 01:05:29,892 --> 01:05:30,824 Go first. 1529 01:05:30,893 --> 01:05:32,326 OK. Listen to this. 1530 01:05:32,394 --> 01:05:34,362 I listen to radio. I like show. 1531 01:05:34,429 --> 01:05:37,364 But don't make fun of the Chinese people. 1532 01:05:37,432 --> 01:05:39,024 Make fun, not funny. 1533 01:05:39,134 --> 01:05:40,533 I didn't make fun of the Chinese people, did I? 1534 01:05:40,602 --> 01:05:41,534 Probably. 1535 01:05:41,603 --> 01:05:43,764 I bring egg rolls. 1536 01:05:45,173 --> 01:05:48,108 What is your news? What is it? 1537 01:05:48,176 --> 01:05:50,110 It's unbelievable. 1538 01:05:50,178 --> 01:05:53,170 I got a job offer today from WNBC in New York. 1539 01:05:53,248 --> 01:05:56,684 Afternoon drive, the most powerful radio station in their chain, 1540 01:05:56,785 --> 01:05:58,184 $150,000 a year. 1541 01:05:58,253 --> 01:06:00,687 And they said if I do really well, 1542 01:06:00,789 --> 01:06:03,019 they're gonna syndicate my program all over the country. 1543 01:06:03,091 --> 01:06:05,025 This is it. This is everything I want. 1544 01:06:05,093 --> 01:06:07,926 It's like... It's the dream, the Big Apple. 1545 01:06:07,996 --> 01:06:10,624 I'm pregnant. 1546 01:06:13,201 --> 01:06:14,828 You're pregnant? 1547 01:06:14,903 --> 01:06:16,564 Mm-hmm. 1548 01:06:20,008 --> 01:06:21,032 Come here. 1549 01:06:21,109 --> 01:06:22,041 What? 1550 01:06:22,110 --> 01:06:23,737 Come here. Just come here. 1551 01:06:23,812 --> 01:06:25,074 Come here. 1552 01:06:25,180 --> 01:06:26,078 My God. 1553 01:06:26,181 --> 01:06:27,079 Pregnant? 1554 01:06:29,151 --> 01:06:30,448 So what's going on? What's gonna happen? 1555 01:06:30,519 --> 01:06:31,451 Everything's good. 1556 01:06:31,520 --> 01:06:32,452 Yeah? 1557 01:06:32,521 --> 01:06:33,954 She's gonna get naked? 1558 01:06:34,022 --> 01:06:35,455 Yeah, sure. Of course. 1559 01:06:35,524 --> 01:06:37,958 All right. Let's get her out. Let's do it. 1560 01:06:38,026 --> 01:06:39,459 She'll get naked? 1561 01:06:39,528 --> 01:06:40,961 Yeah. That's why we're here, man. 1562 01:06:42,664 --> 01:06:43,562 OK, honey. 1563 01:06:43,665 --> 01:06:45,098 Hi. How's it going? 1564 01:06:45,167 --> 01:06:47,567 - Oh, my God. - This is Gary. 1565 01:06:47,669 --> 01:06:49,102 How you doing? 1566 01:06:49,171 --> 01:06:52,106 Good. I'm sorry. I know I told you I'd do this, 1567 01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:53,573 but I've really changed my mind. 1568 01:06:53,675 --> 01:06:55,108 I don't want to do it anymore. 1569 01:06:55,177 --> 01:06:57,111 OK. What's, uh, like, what's the problem? 1570 01:06:57,179 --> 01:06:59,113 What are you worried about? 1571 01:06:59,181 --> 01:07:00,580 I just changed my mind. 1572 01:07:00,682 --> 01:07:02,115 Husband: What do you mean? You are doing it. 1573 01:07:02,184 --> 01:07:04,118 We didn't drive here for you to change your mind. 1574 01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:06,120 No. It's just very humiliating to me. 1575 01:07:06,188 --> 01:07:07,120 What's humiliating? 1576 01:07:07,189 --> 01:07:08,281 It's not that big a deal. 1577 01:07:08,357 --> 01:07:10,120 We've done it a lot on the show. 1578 01:07:10,192 --> 01:07:12,592 I think Howard would appreciate it if you would do it for us. 1579 01:07:12,694 --> 01:07:15,060 No. I changed my mind, and I'm really sorry. 1580 01:07:15,130 --> 01:07:18,065 I know I told you that I'd do it, but I don't want to. 1581 01:07:18,133 --> 01:07:19,566 I think it's very humiliating. 1582 01:07:19,601 --> 01:07:21,569 Husband: Honey, this is not humiliating. This is show business. 1583 01:07:21,603 --> 01:07:23,571 You got a great body. Let everybody see it. 1584 01:07:23,605 --> 01:07:25,072 Yeah. You're beautiful. 1585 01:07:25,140 --> 01:07:27,574 You're my husband. Don't make me do something I don't want to do. 1586 01:07:27,609 --> 01:07:29,577 I'm proud of you, and I want you to do it. 1587 01:07:29,611 --> 01:07:31,579 That's why we drove here from Jersey. 1588 01:07:31,613 --> 01:07:33,581 What the hell is this donkey here for? 1589 01:07:33,615 --> 01:07:35,583 Nobody told me anything about a donkey. 1590 01:07:35,617 --> 01:07:36,743 It's a show business donkey. 1591 01:07:36,818 --> 01:07:38,251 The donkey's not part of the act. 1592 01:07:38,320 --> 01:07:39,753 It had nothing to do with you. 1593 01:07:39,821 --> 01:07:41,755 You'll feel at ease once we go do it. 1594 01:07:41,823 --> 01:07:43,256 It'll just take 2 seconds. 1595 01:07:43,325 --> 01:07:45,088 Right now, I need to know, are you doing it or not? 1596 01:07:45,160 --> 01:07:46,092 No, I'm not. 1597 01:07:46,161 --> 01:07:47,594 Honey, you are doing it. 1598 01:07:47,629 --> 01:07:50,097 I changed my mind. And you're my husband. You should support me. 1599 01:07:50,165 --> 01:07:51,757 Howard goes to New York. 1600 01:07:51,833 --> 01:07:53,596 Thanks for nothing. Gino, let the donkey go. 1601 01:07:53,635 --> 01:07:57,093 Come on, guys. Wrap it up. They're not doing it. 1602 01:08:03,645 --> 01:08:04,839 # Let's dance # 1603 01:08:06,415 --> 01:08:08,110 # Put on your red shoes # 1604 01:08:08,183 --> 01:08:10,276 # And dance the blues # 1605 01:08:12,120 --> 01:08:13,587 # Let's dance # 1606 01:08:13,655 --> 01:08:19,560 # To the song they're playing on the radio... # 1607 01:08:19,628 --> 01:08:22,563 Reporter: What you're about to hear is going to shock you 1608 01:08:22,631 --> 01:08:24,496 because it's vulgar and obscene. 1609 01:08:24,566 --> 01:08:27,865 It's x-rated radio, barnyard radio. 1610 01:08:27,936 --> 01:08:30,734 You mommies and daddies out there who complained to the radio station, 1611 01:08:30,806 --> 01:08:32,569 I got something to say to you. 1612 01:08:32,641 --> 01:08:34,336 Here. 1613 01:08:34,409 --> 01:08:36,570 Reporter: This is a story with a twist. 1614 01:08:36,645 --> 01:08:38,738 While we were producing this report, 1615 01:08:38,814 --> 01:08:42,079 Howard Stern was lured away from Washington by a New York City station. 1616 01:08:42,150 --> 01:08:45,586 That station, you guessed it, is WNBC... 1617 01:08:48,490 --> 01:08:53,086 This person is coming here to work at our flagship station? 1618 01:08:53,161 --> 01:08:55,595 Yes. 1619 01:08:55,664 --> 01:08:58,633 Brad, you gave this trash-talking bastard a 3-year deal 1620 01:08:58,700 --> 01:09:00,167 without even hearing him on the air? 1621 01:09:00,235 --> 01:09:01,167 Yes, Roger. 1622 01:09:01,236 --> 01:09:02,328 He's on the FCC's most-wanted list. 1623 01:09:02,404 --> 01:09:03,393 Roger, his rate... 1624 01:09:03,505 --> 01:09:04,665 Chuck, will you show him the numbers. 1625 01:09:04,706 --> 01:09:05,832 Through the roof. 1626 01:09:05,907 --> 01:09:07,340 No, no. Don't bother. 1627 01:09:07,409 --> 01:09:10,037 You're fired, all of you. Get out. 1628 01:09:13,381 --> 01:09:14,473 Get out! 1629 01:09:28,630 --> 01:09:31,064 You know, unless he quits, 1630 01:09:31,133 --> 01:09:34,068 it's gonna cost half a million dollars 1631 01:09:34,136 --> 01:09:35,933 to buy Stern's contract out. 1632 01:09:36,004 --> 01:09:38,370 I reject that on principle. 1633 01:09:38,440 --> 01:09:42,570 Uh, Mr. Erlick, if I may? 1634 01:09:43,745 --> 01:09:45,679 Put me in charge of the Stern show. 1635 01:09:45,747 --> 01:09:47,681 Let me ride herd on him, 1636 01:09:47,749 --> 01:09:50,718 and I'll mold that son of a bitch into another Don Imus. 1637 01:09:50,752 --> 01:09:52,083 When I'm through whipping him, 1638 01:09:52,154 --> 01:09:55,351 that boy will be asking permission to wipe his ass. 1639 01:09:55,423 --> 01:09:56,447 You want to tame him? 1640 01:09:56,558 --> 01:09:58,492 Well, either I'll tame him, 1641 01:09:58,560 --> 01:10:00,551 or I'll make him so crazy... 1642 01:10:00,662 --> 01:10:01,754 he'll quit. 1643 01:10:01,830 --> 01:10:04,924 So either way, we win. 1644 01:10:06,234 --> 01:10:08,634 I'll tell you, these halls are, like, 1645 01:10:08,703 --> 01:10:10,136 you know, uh, legendary. 1646 01:10:10,205 --> 01:10:11,399 It's pretty wild. 1647 01:10:11,473 --> 01:10:12,633 Kenny. Howard Stern. 1648 01:10:12,707 --> 01:10:13,969 Hi. Hey, How you doing? 1649 01:10:14,042 --> 01:10:14,906 Howard! 1650 01:10:14,976 --> 01:10:16,204 Great to meet you. 1651 01:10:16,278 --> 01:10:18,212 Oh, it is such a pleasure to meet you, Howard. 1652 01:10:18,280 --> 01:10:20,544 What can I say? This is unbelievable, you know. 1653 01:10:20,615 --> 01:10:23,049 Kenny is the hottest young programmer in New York City. 1654 01:10:23,118 --> 01:10:25,916 Howard, you gotta listen to this man 'cause he's a genius. 1655 01:10:25,987 --> 01:10:27,648 Come on, now. Ha ha ha ha. 1656 01:10:27,722 --> 01:10:28,654 Play nice. 1657 01:10:28,723 --> 01:10:30,054 Kenny: Thanks, man. God bless. 1658 01:10:30,125 --> 01:10:31,558 Good seeing you. I'll see you later. 1659 01:10:31,626 --> 01:10:32,615 He's terrific. 1660 01:10:32,727 --> 01:10:33,989 Oh, yeah, he's been terrific. 1661 01:10:34,062 --> 01:10:35,495 Everyone's been so nice. It's a good feeling. 1662 01:10:35,564 --> 01:10:37,498 Howard, how about you have a seat? 1663 01:10:37,566 --> 01:10:40,126 Oh, Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard. 1664 01:10:42,037 --> 01:10:45,063 Howard... the way we work here at NBC... 1665 01:10:45,140 --> 01:10:48,576 is a more professional manner than you're probably used to. 1666 01:10:48,643 --> 01:10:52,340 Now, see, I don't care about what you did down in Washington, 1667 01:10:52,414 --> 01:10:54,348 'cause that's chickenshit radio. 1668 01:10:54,416 --> 01:10:57,476 Here at NBC, this is real radio. 1669 01:10:57,552 --> 01:10:59,986 And the first thing you've gotta do 1670 01:11:00,055 --> 01:11:02,819 is say the call letters properly, OK? 1671 01:11:02,891 --> 01:11:06,327 Now, I'm gonna teach you how to say them, all right? 1672 01:11:06,394 --> 01:11:08,658 And you know, I hope you can get them, 1673 01:11:08,730 --> 01:11:11,096 because, see, you don't have a real good voice 1674 01:11:11,166 --> 01:11:12,633 like lmus or Captain Frank or nothing, 1675 01:11:12,701 --> 01:11:14,566 so we're gonna have to practice it. 1676 01:11:14,636 --> 01:11:16,069 Well... 1677 01:11:16,137 --> 01:11:18,833 you mean practice in here now? 1678 01:11:18,907 --> 01:11:22,570 You're not going to get bashful on me now, are you, Howard? 1679 01:11:22,644 --> 01:11:24,043 OK, you ready? 1680 01:11:24,112 --> 01:11:26,444 The way it's said properly is... 1681 01:11:27,916 --> 01:11:31,352 W N BC. 1682 01:11:33,855 --> 01:11:35,220 This is key. 1683 01:11:35,290 --> 01:11:36,552 Come on. 1684 01:11:36,625 --> 01:11:38,388 W N BC. 1685 01:11:38,460 --> 01:11:39,392 No. No. 1686 01:11:39,461 --> 01:11:41,019 It's gotta be more like this. 1687 01:11:41,096 --> 01:11:42,290 Listen up. 1688 01:11:42,364 --> 01:11:44,332 W N BC. 1689 01:11:44,399 --> 01:11:45,832 You hear that? 1690 01:11:45,867 --> 01:11:48,131 Kinda lift, that N BC. 1691 01:11:48,203 --> 01:11:50,637 W N BC. 1692 01:11:50,705 --> 01:11:53,401 W N BC. 1693 01:11:53,475 --> 01:11:54,669 Wider and kind of... 1694 01:11:54,743 --> 01:11:55,675 W N BC. 1695 01:11:55,744 --> 01:11:56,676 One more. 1696 01:11:56,745 --> 01:11:58,178 In my mind, I'm hearing... 1697 01:11:58,246 --> 01:12:00,111 It sounds like I'm saying exactly what you're saying. 1698 01:12:00,181 --> 01:12:01,113 No. Actually... 1699 01:12:01,182 --> 01:12:02,308 W N BC. 1700 01:12:02,384 --> 01:12:03,749 You've gotta listen to Imus. 1701 01:12:03,818 --> 01:12:06,252 Imus does it perfectly. 1702 01:12:06,321 --> 01:12:09,256 Tell you what. I'm gonna take you down to lmus' office right now, 1703 01:12:09,324 --> 01:12:11,588 and you're gonna hear how he does it. Come on, boy. 1704 01:12:11,660 --> 01:12:13,093 - You know, I... - Come on. 1705 01:12:13,161 --> 01:12:14,594 I gotta tell you something, Kenny. 1706 01:12:14,663 --> 01:12:16,528 I always saw myself sort of something different than lmus. 1707 01:12:16,598 --> 01:12:18,031 That's why you hired me. 1708 01:12:18,099 --> 01:12:20,533 You are original. You are original, but... 1709 01:12:20,602 --> 01:12:22,536 You say a lot of offensive things, 1710 01:12:22,604 --> 01:12:24,538 and occasionally you are real funny, 1711 01:12:24,606 --> 01:12:27,040 but you've got to learn to do what Imus does. 1712 01:12:27,108 --> 01:12:29,633 See, he doesn't actually say the bad thing himself. 1713 01:12:29,744 --> 01:12:31,177 He says it through a character. 1714 01:12:31,246 --> 01:12:32,679 Yeah, well, I don't do character... 1715 01:12:32,747 --> 01:12:35,682 How about you go on the air 3 A.M. This morning, 1716 01:12:35,750 --> 01:12:37,183 show us some characters. OK? 1717 01:12:37,252 --> 01:12:39,618 Good. Now, I'm gonna go in there 1718 01:12:39,688 --> 01:12:42,782 and just see how he's feeling. You stay here. OK? 1719 01:12:44,192 --> 01:12:45,591 Mr. Imus? 1720 01:12:48,863 --> 01:12:50,023 Howard: Back then, 1721 01:12:50,098 --> 01:12:52,464 Don lmus was the number one disc jockey in New York, 1722 01:12:52,534 --> 01:12:54,229 so I guess I was kind of curious to meet him. 1723 01:12:54,302 --> 01:12:55,269 Imus: You are interrupting me. 1724 01:12:55,337 --> 01:12:57,737 Kenny: I have, uh, Howard Stern outside. 1725 01:12:57,806 --> 01:12:58,830 You have who outside? 1726 01:12:58,940 --> 01:13:00,407 The young man from Washington that we... 1727 01:13:00,475 --> 01:13:02,409 You have Howard Stern outside my fucking office? 1728 01:13:02,477 --> 01:13:04,604 How did Howard Stern get outside my fucking office? 1729 01:13:04,679 --> 01:13:05,941 I brought him down... 1730 01:13:06,047 --> 01:13:07,878 Well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid fuck. He's nothing. 1731 01:13:09,384 --> 01:13:10,351 Fuck off! 1732 01:13:13,121 --> 01:13:14,035 # 66 # 1733 01:13:14,036 --> 01:13:14,949 # 66 # 1734 01:13:15,056 --> 01:13:18,492 # WNBC # 1735 01:13:18,560 --> 01:13:20,027 Hello. I'm Robin Quivers, 1736 01:13:20,128 --> 01:13:23,120 and it's my great pleasure to introduce you 1737 01:13:23,231 --> 01:13:25,461 to New York's newest disc jockey. 1738 01:13:25,533 --> 01:13:27,967 Howard, Lisping: Ooo-ey, that's me. 1739 01:13:28,036 --> 01:13:30,732 Hi. I'm Lance Eluxina on W N BC. 1740 01:13:30,805 --> 01:13:31,737 WNBC. 1741 01:13:31,806 --> 01:13:33,137 I'm so excited 1742 01:13:33,208 --> 01:13:35,972 because I am New York's first ever gay disc jockey. 1743 01:13:36,044 --> 01:13:36,976 Ever! 1744 01:13:37,045 --> 01:13:38,876 And now I want to introduce to you... 1745 01:13:38,947 --> 01:13:39,936 This is so exciting... 1746 01:13:40,048 --> 01:13:41,037 I want to introduce to you 1747 01:13:41,149 --> 01:13:43,208 someone so marvelous, so wonderful to me, 1748 01:13:43,284 --> 01:13:44,512 someone who has supported me, 1749 01:13:44,586 --> 01:13:46,713 is my life mate, my soul mate, my love mate. 1750 01:13:46,788 --> 01:13:49,450 He's everything and anything to me, Mr. Blackswell. 1751 01:13:49,524 --> 01:13:50,957 Willkommen. Bienvenue. 1752 01:13:50,992 --> 01:13:53,984 Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so lovely to see you here today. 1753 01:13:54,095 --> 01:13:55,426 Hi, Mr. Engineer. Hi. 1754 01:13:55,497 --> 01:13:58,295 Mmm. Give me a kiss. Mmm! 1755 01:13:58,366 --> 01:14:00,732 You two are just adorable together, 1756 01:14:00,802 --> 01:14:03,270 and it's a wonderful thing to have you here, 1757 01:14:03,338 --> 01:14:05,829 but I understand there's already been a problem? 1758 01:14:05,940 --> 01:14:06,964 Yes. You know about this? 1759 01:14:07,075 --> 01:14:08,633 I was in the program director's office. 1760 01:14:08,743 --> 01:14:09,801 His name is Pig Vomit. 1761 01:14:09,911 --> 01:14:11,310 Yes, because he looks like a pig, 1762 01:14:11,379 --> 01:14:12,573 and he makes you want to vomit. 1763 01:14:12,647 --> 01:14:13,579 He's Pig Vomit. 1764 01:14:13,648 --> 01:14:14,876 Anyway, Pig Vomit says to me, 1765 01:14:14,949 --> 01:14:16,644 "This is not WNBC. 1766 01:14:16,718 --> 01:14:20,119 It is W N BC, W N BC," 1767 01:14:20,188 --> 01:14:21,883 and I was not saying the call letters right. 1768 01:14:21,956 --> 01:14:23,218 It's a big problem, 1769 01:14:23,291 --> 01:14:25,555 so in order to rectify this, 1770 01:14:25,627 --> 01:14:27,857 I brought in a cup of Blackswell's semen. 1771 01:14:27,929 --> 01:14:29,521 Semen? 1772 01:14:29,597 --> 01:14:30,825 I squoze it myself. 1773 01:14:30,899 --> 01:14:32,491 I hope it's not too tangy. 1774 01:14:32,567 --> 01:14:33,556 And what are you gonna do with it? 1775 01:14:33,668 --> 01:14:35,135 I'm gonna gargle with this 1776 01:14:35,203 --> 01:14:36,932 and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right. 1777 01:14:37,005 --> 01:14:38,233 You think that'll work? 1778 01:14:38,306 --> 01:14:40,604 I don't care, 'cause I love the taste of a man. Ooga. 1779 01:14:42,410 --> 01:14:43,809 All right, if I could have some music now. 1780 01:14:43,878 --> 01:14:45,846 Mr. Engineer, please, some music. 1781 01:14:45,914 --> 01:14:48,041 Would you, please? Would you give us a record, 1782 01:14:48,116 --> 01:14:49,048 por favor? 1783 01:14:50,318 --> 01:14:52,013 OK, thank you. 1784 01:14:52,053 --> 01:14:54,453 Now watch and learn. 1785 01:14:54,522 --> 01:14:56,251 # La la la la la la # 1786 01:15:02,230 --> 01:15:03,219 There she blows. 1787 01:15:06,234 --> 01:15:08,725 Oh. Can you believe it? 1788 01:15:08,837 --> 01:15:10,202 You just swallowed. 1789 01:15:10,271 --> 01:15:11,829 I swallowed. Oh, my God. 1790 01:15:11,940 --> 01:15:13,498 Waste not, want not, Robin. 1791 01:15:13,575 --> 01:15:14,837 Oh! 1792 01:15:14,909 --> 01:15:19,278 I wanna say I love W N BC. 1793 01:15:19,347 --> 01:15:20,609 See? It worked. I can say it. 1794 01:15:20,682 --> 01:15:22,616 W N BC. 1795 01:15:25,453 --> 01:15:27,648 - WNBC, please hold. - WNBC, please hold. 1796 01:15:27,722 --> 01:15:29,349 - WNBC, please hold. - WNBC, please hold. 1797 01:15:29,424 --> 01:15:31,358 - WNBC, please hold. - WNBC, please hold. 1798 01:15:31,426 --> 01:15:32,950 Record: # Stop it now... # 1799 01:15:35,630 --> 01:15:38,827 So we gave them some characters, right? 1800 01:15:42,437 --> 01:15:43,369 Get in. 1801 01:15:51,446 --> 01:15:54,074 You goddamn motherfuckers. 1802 01:15:54,115 --> 01:15:55,639 You fucking waltz in here, 1803 01:15:55,750 --> 01:15:57,775 and you think you know everything, don't you? 1804 01:15:57,886 --> 01:16:00,286 Well, I fucking worked my fucking ass off 1805 01:16:00,355 --> 01:16:01,788 to get to New York City, 1806 01:16:01,856 --> 01:16:03,221 and you sure as fuck 1807 01:16:03,291 --> 01:16:06,055 are not gonna fucking blow it for me! 1808 01:16:06,127 --> 01:16:07,059 I was just doing character... 1809 01:16:07,128 --> 01:16:08,060 Barry, Jerry, 1810 01:16:08,129 --> 01:16:10,427 clarify the situation for him, please. 1811 01:16:10,498 --> 01:16:12,432 Page 108, paragraph 3: 1812 01:16:12,500 --> 01:16:14,195 "No jokes dealing with flatulence, 1813 01:16:14,269 --> 01:16:16,464 "excretion, urination, ejaculation, 1814 01:16:16,538 --> 01:16:17,903 or other bodily functions." 1815 01:16:17,972 --> 01:16:19,200 Also note paragraph 2: 1816 01:16:19,274 --> 01:16:21,071 "No use of the so-called 7 dirty words. 1817 01:16:21,142 --> 01:16:22,575 "These are cocksucker, motherfucker, 1818 01:16:22,644 --> 01:16:24,771 fuck, shit, cunt, cock, and pussy." 1819 01:16:24,846 --> 01:16:27,815 Now, from now on, all your little bits 1820 01:16:27,916 --> 01:16:30,248 are gonna be under 2 minutes in duration, 1821 01:16:30,318 --> 01:16:33,754 and all scripts... and I do mean all scripts... 1822 01:16:33,855 --> 01:16:35,618 require my personal approval. 1823 01:16:35,690 --> 01:16:37,885 Welcome to NBC, Howard. 1824 01:16:37,959 --> 01:16:39,674 # 66, WNBC # 1825 01:16:39,675 --> 01:16:41,390 # 66, WNBC # 1826 01:16:41,462 --> 01:16:45,159 It's time for The Match Game. 1827 01:16:46,367 --> 01:16:48,164 And thank you, Mr. Announcer. 1828 01:16:48,269 --> 01:16:51,102 Hi, everybody. My name is Gene Sternburn, 1829 01:16:51,172 --> 01:16:54,107 and welcome to Match Game. 1830 01:16:54,175 --> 01:16:55,904 We have a lot of excitement in the air today 1831 01:16:55,977 --> 01:16:57,808 because we have some great panelists. 1832 01:16:57,879 --> 01:16:59,813 Let me introduce you to everybody. 1833 01:16:59,948 --> 01:17:01,506 First of all, I want to introduce all of you 1834 01:17:01,616 --> 01:17:04,141 to a very, very charming and beautiful lady, 1835 01:17:04,252 --> 01:17:06,049 the very beautiful Miss Brett Somers. 1836 01:17:06,120 --> 01:17:07,052 How are you, baby? 1837 01:17:07,121 --> 01:17:08,349 Hi, Gene. 1838 01:17:08,423 --> 01:17:10,482 Hygiene, that's something I don't think you have. 1839 01:17:10,592 --> 01:17:12,059 Hey, back off. 1840 01:17:12,126 --> 01:17:15,152 OK, and let's now go over to somebody who I really admire, 1841 01:17:15,263 --> 01:17:17,788 the ex-president of the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon. 1842 01:17:17,899 --> 01:17:19,298 Hello, everybody. Hello. 1843 01:17:19,367 --> 01:17:21,426 I'm very, very honored right now 1844 01:17:21,536 --> 01:17:24,505 to introduce to all of you a very special man. 1845 01:17:24,606 --> 01:17:27,074 He's come all the way to our show for the first time. 1846 01:17:27,141 --> 01:17:29,609 Mr. Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. 1847 01:17:29,677 --> 01:17:31,372 Well, thank you, Gene. That's very nice of you. 1848 01:17:31,479 --> 01:17:33,037 Let's play our game now, OK? Shall we? 1849 01:17:33,147 --> 01:17:36,014 And what we're gonna do is ask you to fill in the blank, OK? 1850 01:17:36,084 --> 01:17:37,984 Now, I want you to listen carefully. 1851 01:17:38,052 --> 01:17:40,418 Our first clue up is... 1852 01:17:40,488 --> 01:17:42,183 blank willow. 1853 01:17:42,290 --> 01:17:44,224 Blank willow. 1854 01:17:45,760 --> 01:17:47,284 Let's go over to Miss Brett Somers right now. 1855 01:17:47,395 --> 01:17:49,795 Now, Brett, what did you have for us? Blank willow. 1856 01:17:49,864 --> 01:17:52,332 The only thing on my mind, Gene, 1857 01:17:52,433 --> 01:17:53,365 was pussy. 1858 01:17:53,434 --> 01:17:55,197 Uh-oh. 1859 01:17:55,236 --> 01:17:56,965 Pussy. Hey, all right. 1860 01:17:57,071 --> 01:17:58,368 Hey, that's kind of wild. 1861 01:17:58,439 --> 01:18:00,066 Pussy willow, that's what I would have said. 1862 01:18:00,174 --> 01:18:02,506 All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon, former president of the United States. 1863 01:18:02,577 --> 01:18:04,010 What did you have? Blank willow. 1864 01:18:04,078 --> 01:18:05,602 In any language, pussy. 1865 01:18:05,713 --> 01:18:07,578 All right! 1866 01:18:07,649 --> 01:18:09,014 Now let's go to our newest member 1867 01:18:09,083 --> 01:18:10,311 of the panel, 1868 01:18:10,418 --> 01:18:14,354 Mr. Jackie "Jokeman" Martling. Blank willow. 1869 01:18:14,455 --> 01:18:15,922 Well, Gene, I didn't write it too neat, 1870 01:18:16,024 --> 01:18:17,491 so I have a sloppy pussy. 1871 01:18:17,558 --> 01:18:18,957 Sloppy pussy! 1872 01:18:19,027 --> 01:18:21,257 We had a sloppy and a fuzzy pussy and a very big one. 1873 01:18:21,329 --> 01:18:22,796 Are we talking about Brett again? 1874 01:18:22,864 --> 01:18:24,798 All right, now, Let's keep going. 1875 01:18:24,866 --> 01:18:26,766 Now it's gonna get a little rougher, OK? 1876 01:18:26,834 --> 01:18:28,131 Everybody ready? 1877 01:18:28,202 --> 01:18:30,727 Blank a-doodle-doo. 1878 01:18:30,838 --> 01:18:31,896 Blank a-doodle-doo. 1879 01:18:33,007 --> 01:18:34,269 Blank a-doodle-doo. 1880 01:18:34,375 --> 01:18:36,536 Think about that while the celebrities are writing. 1881 01:18:36,644 --> 01:18:38,441 Here we are. Let's go over to our Dick Nixon, 1882 01:18:38,513 --> 01:18:39,912 our own ex-president. What do you got there, Dick? 1883 01:18:39,981 --> 01:18:42,506 Well, it takes a Dick to know a cock, and that's what I wrote. 1884 01:18:42,617 --> 01:18:44,608 Cock-a-doodle-doo. 1885 01:18:44,719 --> 01:18:46,050 Now, that's what I would have said. 1886 01:18:46,120 --> 01:18:47,678 That seemed like the obvious answer. 1887 01:18:47,789 --> 01:18:49,313 OK, let's go to our own Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. 1888 01:18:49,424 --> 01:18:50,356 Jackie The Jokeman? 1889 01:18:50,425 --> 01:18:52,518 Gene, I have cock, and I wrote it big. 1890 01:18:52,627 --> 01:18:53,958 I have a big cock. 1891 01:18:54,028 --> 01:18:56,496 Uh, I don't think you can say "big cock" on the radio. 1892 01:18:56,564 --> 01:18:57,622 I think that's a no-no. 1893 01:18:57,732 --> 01:18:59,199 But I just said pussy. 1894 01:18:59,267 --> 01:19:00,234 Yeah, she just said pussy. 1895 01:19:00,301 --> 01:19:02,599 Yes, pussy is OK. It's the way he says it. 1896 01:19:02,670 --> 01:19:05,036 "Big cock" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty. 1897 01:19:05,106 --> 01:19:07,040 So I can't say "big cock," 1898 01:19:07,108 --> 01:19:09,076 but you can say "big cock coming out of my mouth"? 1899 01:19:09,177 --> 01:19:10,644 - That's correct. - That sucks. 1900 01:19:10,745 --> 01:19:14,112 Did you just say, "big cock coming out of your mouth sucks"? 1901 01:19:14,182 --> 01:19:16,241 All right, enough of this nonsense. 1902 01:19:16,317 --> 01:19:18,046 We gotta move to Miss Brett Somers. 1903 01:19:18,152 --> 01:19:20,416 Just like the boys, Gene, I've got cock. 1904 01:19:20,488 --> 01:19:22,820 There it is, cock-a-doo... do me a favor 1905 01:19:22,890 --> 01:19:24,983 and hold that up so I can see your cock. 1906 01:19:25,093 --> 01:19:27,391 Aw, Gene, don't have... 1907 01:19:27,462 --> 01:19:30,090 All right, there it is. Cock, cock, cock. 1908 01:19:30,198 --> 01:19:33,133 I must tell you, though, we have to end this fun right now. 1909 01:19:33,201 --> 01:19:35,032 I want to thank all of you. Give yourselves a big hand. 1910 01:19:39,107 --> 01:19:41,974 OK, let's have a little music, Phil. 1911 01:19:42,043 --> 01:19:45,103 You did not have permission to do that bit. 1912 01:19:45,213 --> 01:19:47,272 I never approved that script, God damn it, Howard! 1913 01:19:47,348 --> 01:19:49,339 Wait a second. Calm down, OK, Kenny? 1914 01:19:49,450 --> 01:19:50,815 There's a perfectly good explanation. 1915 01:19:50,885 --> 01:19:52,614 I'm all ears, Howard. Let's hear it. 1916 01:19:52,720 --> 01:19:55,314 I gave the script to Fred. 1917 01:19:55,423 --> 01:19:57,891 And I gave it to Robin over there. 1918 01:19:57,992 --> 01:20:00,893 Oh, that's right. I'm sorry, Kenny. 1919 01:20:00,962 --> 01:20:02,088 I forgot to put it in your box. 1920 01:20:02,196 --> 01:20:03,686 There you go. Perfectly good explanation. 1921 01:20:03,798 --> 01:20:05,766 It'll never happen again, Kenny. 1922 01:20:05,867 --> 01:20:08,597 You're goddamn right she's never gonna do it again. You're fired. 1923 01:20:08,669 --> 01:20:09,693 What? 1924 01:20:09,804 --> 01:20:11,863 Gather your things together, Robin. Let's go. 1925 01:20:11,973 --> 01:20:13,873 Wait a second, Kenny. What are you talking about? 1926 01:20:13,941 --> 01:20:15,533 She had nothing to do with the bit. 1927 01:20:15,643 --> 01:20:16,667 It was all me. 1928 01:20:16,778 --> 01:20:18,006 Pack up your shit. I'm not kidding. Let's go. 1929 01:20:18,112 --> 01:20:20,307 Kenny, you can't blame someone over one lousy bit. 1930 01:20:20,381 --> 01:20:21,609 You can't go firing them. 1931 01:20:21,716 --> 01:20:24,207 Oh, yes, I can, Howard. 1932 01:20:24,318 --> 01:20:25,808 Robin, get the fuck out! 1933 01:20:25,920 --> 01:20:27,751 #... A boy could give you # 1934 01:20:27,822 --> 01:20:29,255 # Take my tears and... # 1935 01:20:29,323 --> 01:20:30,688 Listen to me. Listen to me. 1936 01:20:30,758 --> 01:20:32,521 If you give me a couple of days, 1937 01:20:32,593 --> 01:20:34,117 I know I can get you back on the air. 1938 01:20:34,228 --> 01:20:35,593 Forget it. 1939 01:20:35,663 --> 01:20:37,358 They're trying to break us apart. They're trying to beat us. 1940 01:20:37,465 --> 01:20:39,399 That's the whole point. You and Fred should quit, 1941 01:20:39,500 --> 01:20:40,831 and we should go somewhere else. 1942 01:20:40,902 --> 01:20:43,200 Quit? If I quit, they win. 1943 01:20:43,271 --> 01:20:45,603 Don't you see? I don't want them to win. I can't quit. 1944 01:20:45,673 --> 01:20:47,106 - You're not gonna quit? - No. 1945 01:20:47,175 --> 01:20:48,870 You're gonna let 'em throw me out like garbage? 1946 01:20:48,976 --> 01:20:51,001 No. I want to beat these guys, stomp them into the ground. 1947 01:20:51,112 --> 01:20:53,103 The only way to do that is to stay on the air. 1948 01:20:53,214 --> 01:20:54,374 I've gotta stay on the air, Robin. 1949 01:20:54,482 --> 01:20:55,414 You're pathetic. 1950 01:20:55,483 --> 01:20:56,643 I'm not pathetic. 1951 01:20:56,751 --> 01:20:58,776 Just give me a couple of days to make them understand. 1952 01:20:58,886 --> 01:21:00,547 I can convince these guys to bring you back. 1953 01:21:00,655 --> 01:21:02,680 I know I can do that. I have that ability. 1954 01:21:02,790 --> 01:21:04,087 Fuck you. 1955 01:21:04,158 --> 01:21:05,523 They're gonna hire you back. How can you say "fuck you"? 1956 01:21:06,961 --> 01:21:08,690 Hey, move it, asshole! 1957 01:21:08,796 --> 01:21:10,354 She hates me. She thinks I'm total scum. 1958 01:21:10,431 --> 01:21:11,898 She thinks I'm lower than scum. 1959 01:21:11,966 --> 01:21:14,332 She thinks you're letting her take the fall. 1960 01:21:14,402 --> 01:21:15,801 Well, what do you think? 1961 01:21:17,772 --> 01:21:20,570 I think you've been loyal to every person you've ever worked with. 1962 01:21:20,641 --> 01:21:22,541 That's the way you are, you know? 1963 01:21:22,610 --> 01:21:24,669 You'll find a way to get her back. 1964 01:21:26,280 --> 01:21:27,941 In fact, I feel sorry for NBC, 1965 01:21:28,049 --> 01:21:29,448 because as soon as you start in on them, 1966 01:21:29,550 --> 01:21:31,541 they're gonna be sorry they ever fired her in the first place. 1967 01:21:31,652 --> 01:21:33,552 You're right. 1968 01:21:33,621 --> 01:21:34,952 I know. 1969 01:21:35,056 --> 01:21:40,358 Howard, Fred, I'd like you to meet your new newsman, 1970 01:21:40,428 --> 01:21:41,918 Ross Buckingham. 1971 01:21:42,029 --> 01:21:43,826 Hi. Pleasure. 1972 01:21:43,898 --> 01:21:45,832 I'm looking forward to joining the team. 1973 01:21:45,900 --> 01:21:47,629 Now, old Ross here's quite lively, 1974 01:21:47,735 --> 01:21:48,827 and I think he'll fit in well 1975 01:21:48,936 --> 01:21:50,062 with your special brand of humor. 1976 01:21:50,171 --> 01:21:52,105 As a matter of fact, 1977 01:21:52,173 --> 01:21:55,267 I'm a bit of an old comedy man myself. 1978 01:21:55,376 --> 01:21:58,436 I've done quite a bit of light comedy in my younger years. 1979 01:21:58,546 --> 01:22:01,071 Summer stock... mostly. 1980 01:22:03,050 --> 01:22:06,213 Hundreds of people gathered in Central Park this afternoon 1981 01:22:06,320 --> 01:22:08,288 to remember former Beatle John Lennon, 1982 01:22:08,356 --> 01:22:11,052 who was murdered 2 years ago today. Lennon's killer... 1983 01:22:11,158 --> 01:22:12,625 Hey, let me ask you something, Ross. 1984 01:22:12,693 --> 01:22:14,160 Were you a Beatles fan? 1985 01:22:14,228 --> 01:22:17,925 Uh... y-yes, I... I was, once. 1986 01:22:18,032 --> 01:22:20,466 Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman... 1987 01:22:20,501 --> 01:22:23,527 Now, Mark David Chapman, now, there's a guy we gotta talk about, Ross. 1988 01:22:23,638 --> 01:22:25,503 Mark David Chapman, what do you make of him? 1989 01:22:25,606 --> 01:22:28,473 I mean, he's probably in a prison cell right now enjoying himself. 1990 01:22:28,509 --> 01:22:32,104 I say electrocute him. You gotta be with that program, huh, Ross? 1991 01:22:32,213 --> 01:22:34,113 I hope this was a good idea. 1992 01:22:34,181 --> 01:22:36,615 Ross: Uh, I think we're supposed 1993 01:22:36,684 --> 01:22:38,379 to be having the news now. 1994 01:22:38,486 --> 01:22:40,283 Howard: Forget that. Just repeat after me, Ross. 1995 01:22:40,354 --> 01:22:42,049 I want to kill Mark David Chapman. 1996 01:22:43,724 --> 01:22:45,715 # 66 # 1997 01:22:45,826 --> 01:22:48,693 # WNBC # 1998 01:22:48,763 --> 01:22:50,458 Are we ready in there, Freddy Boy? 1999 01:22:50,531 --> 01:22:52,795 OK. We've got our next phone call to Ross. 2000 01:22:52,867 --> 01:22:54,164 Guess who's on the phone with us. 2001 01:22:54,235 --> 01:22:55,725 I really have no idea. 2002 01:22:55,836 --> 01:22:58,600 Just take a wild guess. Do it right off the top of your head. 2003 01:22:58,673 --> 01:23:00,470 Um... 2004 01:23:00,541 --> 01:23:02,270 This is a good one. It's a good mystery guest. 2005 01:23:02,376 --> 01:23:04,367 Um... 2006 01:23:04,478 --> 01:23:06,412 What an ad-libber, Ross. 2007 01:23:06,480 --> 01:23:08,448 All right, I don't want to put you under too much pressure. 2008 01:23:08,549 --> 01:23:09,846 Hi. Is this Betty Jean Rushton? 2009 01:23:09,917 --> 01:23:10,884 Yes, it is. 2010 01:23:10,952 --> 01:23:12,544 Betty Jean, hi. It's Howard Stern, 2011 01:23:12,653 --> 01:23:13,551 W N BC. 2012 01:23:13,654 --> 01:23:15,178 I work with your husband Kenny. 2013 01:23:15,289 --> 01:23:17,120 Yes. Kenny's mentioned you. 2014 01:23:17,191 --> 01:23:18,488 Oh, I bet Kenny has. 2015 01:23:18,559 --> 01:23:21,255 The reason I'm calling is because your husband 2016 01:23:21,362 --> 01:23:23,489 has been very bitchy around here lately, 2017 01:23:23,564 --> 01:23:26,658 and I'm thinking that maybe if you gave him some more sex... 2018 01:23:26,767 --> 01:23:28,166 More sex? 2019 01:23:28,235 --> 01:23:30,703 Yeah. He's backed up. Isn't he backed up, Ross? 2020 01:23:30,805 --> 01:23:33,899 Yes. You know, you might be right about that, Howard. 2021 01:23:34,008 --> 01:23:35,407 Oh, really? I am right. 2022 01:23:35,476 --> 01:23:36,978 Howard! 2023 01:23:37,111 --> 01:23:38,840 You ever do that again, I'll kill you. 2024 01:23:38,913 --> 01:23:41,074 I need Robin. She's the anchor on the show. 2025 01:23:41,148 --> 01:23:42,206 That's what's missing. 2026 01:23:42,283 --> 01:23:43,580 You have violated my wife. 2027 01:23:43,651 --> 01:23:44,583 I did not. 2028 01:23:44,652 --> 01:23:46,813 You soiled the sanctity of my home! 2029 01:23:46,887 --> 01:23:48,445 What are you saying? I didn't do anything. 2030 01:23:48,522 --> 01:23:49,750 I wouldn't even be doing bits like that 2031 01:23:49,824 --> 01:23:51,257 if Robin was with me. 2032 01:23:51,325 --> 01:23:53,190 I never would have even called his wife on the air 2033 01:23:53,260 --> 01:23:54,192 if I had Robin sitting there. 2034 01:23:54,261 --> 01:23:55,489 She's the voice of reason. 2035 01:23:55,563 --> 01:23:58,498 You know what? You know what you are, Stern? 2036 01:23:58,566 --> 01:23:59,999 You're the Antichrist. 2037 01:24:00,067 --> 01:24:01,534 - What? - Yes, that's what you are! 2038 01:24:01,602 --> 01:24:04,594 You are the motherfucking Antichrist! 2039 01:24:04,672 --> 01:24:06,902 Kenny, take it easy. 2040 01:24:14,515 --> 01:24:17,006 Well, this is an exciting day for us here in the studio 2041 01:24:17,084 --> 01:24:18,483 because we have a stage star with us. 2042 01:24:18,552 --> 01:24:20,452 This is Donna Porter with us on the show, 2043 01:24:20,521 --> 01:24:23,388 and she's here to talk about life in the theater, 2044 01:24:23,457 --> 01:24:25,015 and, Donna, I don't know if you know this, 2045 01:24:25,092 --> 01:24:27,185 but our own news guy Ross Buckingham 2046 01:24:27,261 --> 01:24:29,923 actually has some theater experience as well, don't you, Ross? 2047 01:24:29,997 --> 01:24:32,693 Do you want to tell us about that? 2048 01:24:32,767 --> 01:24:35,600 Yes. Um... I once did some summer stock. 2049 01:24:35,670 --> 01:24:36,932 I know you're very, very proud 2050 01:24:37,004 --> 01:24:38,471 of your summer stock experience. 2051 01:24:38,539 --> 01:24:39,870 When you went on stage the very first time, 2052 01:24:39,940 --> 01:24:40,907 did you ever get nervous? 2053 01:24:40,975 --> 01:24:44,968 No, I was... quite comfortable. 2054 01:24:45,046 --> 01:24:46,707 Howard: I see. That's very interesting. 2055 01:24:46,781 --> 01:24:48,214 Then, in 1926, 2056 01:24:48,282 --> 01:24:51,445 General Sarnoff formed NBC radio, 2057 01:24:51,519 --> 01:24:53,146 America's first network. 2058 01:24:53,220 --> 01:24:56,246 I guess you could say I was a little nervous 2059 01:24:56,323 --> 01:24:59,451 the first time I was ever on stage with a 12-inch kielbasa. 2060 01:24:59,527 --> 01:25:00,994 Now, why is that? 2061 01:25:01,062 --> 01:25:02,654 Can I show you? 2062 01:25:04,131 --> 01:25:06,224 Sure. I think we'd like to see what you have. 2063 01:25:06,300 --> 01:25:08,768 Right now, you're getting a look at a live broadcast 2064 01:25:08,836 --> 01:25:09,894 of The Howard Stern Show. 2065 01:25:09,970 --> 01:25:11,130 That's about 13 inches, 2066 01:25:11,205 --> 01:25:13,264 and you're licking whipped cream off a kielbasa, 2067 01:25:13,340 --> 01:25:14,466 and you're putting it in your mouth, 2068 01:25:14,542 --> 01:25:16,305 and you're jamming the kielbasa 2069 01:25:16,377 --> 01:25:17,844 all the way down your throat. 2070 01:25:17,912 --> 01:25:19,174 Oh, my God. Look at that. 2071 01:25:19,246 --> 01:25:21,840 The entire kielbasa is going down. 2072 01:25:21,916 --> 01:25:24,851 She has swallowed an entire 13-inch kielbasa. 2073 01:25:24,919 --> 01:25:28,411 Look at that. A full 13 inches, ladies and gentlemen. 2074 01:25:28,489 --> 01:25:30,821 Wow. You gotta love that, folks. 2075 01:25:30,891 --> 01:25:33,451 You gotta love it, don't you, Ross? Ho ho. 2076 01:25:33,527 --> 01:25:35,495 Ross Buckingham, have you ever seen a woman 2077 01:25:35,563 --> 01:25:37,531 swallow an entire 13- inch kielbasa? 2078 01:25:37,598 --> 01:25:38,690 When you were in the theater, 2079 01:25:38,799 --> 01:25:39,959 did you ever work with a kielbasa? 2080 01:25:40,034 --> 01:25:41,524 What he did to me today 2081 01:25:41,602 --> 01:25:46,062 was the most unprofessional and insulting experience of my life. 2082 01:25:46,140 --> 01:25:49,439 I hold you and this station personally responsible. 2083 01:25:49,510 --> 01:25:51,774 If you want to fire me, fire me. Go ahead. 2084 01:25:51,846 --> 01:25:54,815 But I refuse to work with this man one minute longer. 2085 01:25:57,184 --> 01:25:58,310 Good day. 2086 01:25:59,920 --> 01:26:03,185 OK, it's 5:35 at W N BC. 2087 01:26:03,257 --> 01:26:04,224 Time for the news. 2088 01:26:04,291 --> 01:26:05,883 I'm not real good at this, I confess, 2089 01:26:05,960 --> 01:26:08,155 but I'm trying... 2090 01:26:08,229 --> 01:26:10,197 Who the fuck are we gonna get? 2091 01:26:10,264 --> 01:26:13,131 Beats me. No one wants to work with him. 2092 01:26:13,200 --> 01:26:15,430 Is it Monaco or Mon aco? 2093 01:26:16,570 --> 01:26:18,401 Monaco? 2094 01:26:18,472 --> 01:26:20,463 That's what I thought. Monaco. 2095 01:26:20,541 --> 01:26:21,838 Well, anyway, she's dead. 2096 01:26:21,909 --> 01:26:23,501 You know, I'm thinking about... 2097 01:26:23,577 --> 01:26:25,374 What about Kelly Landers? 2098 01:26:25,446 --> 01:26:27,505 Absolutely refuses. 2099 01:26:27,581 --> 01:26:28,513 Says she'd rather quit. 2100 01:26:28,582 --> 01:26:30,345 I have a theory that he is the one 2101 01:26:30,417 --> 01:26:31,941 who cut the brakes on the car. 2102 01:26:32,019 --> 01:26:34,487 Now, I could be crazy, but I figure a guy who's been married 2103 01:26:34,555 --> 01:26:37,456 as long as Prince Reindeer is ready for a new wife. 2104 01:26:37,525 --> 01:26:39,516 I mean, Princess Grace... beautiful woman and all that... 2105 01:26:39,593 --> 01:26:41,288 but she was losing her looks. Let's be honest. 2106 01:26:41,362 --> 01:26:42,488 There were bags under those eyes. 2107 01:26:42,563 --> 01:26:43,996 In other news, 2108 01:26:44,064 --> 01:26:46,726 One of Italy's highest- ranking police officials, 2109 01:26:46,801 --> 01:26:48,769 General Alberto DeCarlo... 2110 01:26:48,836 --> 01:26:53,330 Kenny, we're one of the biggest radio stations in America. 2111 01:26:53,407 --> 01:26:55,136 We can't just not do the news. 2112 01:26:55,209 --> 01:26:56,836 My program director Pig Vomit 2113 01:26:56,911 --> 01:27:00,108 gets assassinated by Sicilians in Palermo. 2114 01:27:00,181 --> 01:27:01,614 Wouldn't that be wonderful? 2115 01:27:01,682 --> 01:27:03,445 I want to pray to God right now. 2116 01:27:03,517 --> 01:27:05,144 Jesus Christ, who I love so much, 2117 01:27:05,219 --> 01:27:06,652 more than anything in the whole world, 2118 01:27:06,720 --> 01:27:08,779 I am begging you, please... 2119 01:27:08,856 --> 01:27:11,381 send a hit man to the United States of America 2120 01:27:11,458 --> 01:27:13,016 to kill Pig Vomit finally. 2121 01:27:13,093 --> 01:27:14,390 Thank you. I love you, God. 2122 01:27:14,461 --> 01:27:16,361 I'll do whatever you say if you just make that come true. 2123 01:27:17,698 --> 01:27:20,792 # Howard Stern, WNBC # 2124 01:27:21,068 --> 01:27:24,595 So if we bring Robin back, you'll behave? 2125 01:27:24,672 --> 01:27:26,902 Absolutely. Robin's my anchor. 2126 01:27:26,974 --> 01:27:28,168 You can't trust him. 2127 01:27:28,242 --> 01:27:29,334 Kenny, that's not fair. 2128 01:27:29,410 --> 01:27:32,743 And quite frankly, I'm just a little bit hurt 2129 01:27:32,813 --> 01:27:35,907 that you're so incapable of being supportive. 2130 01:27:35,983 --> 01:27:39,885 And, Vin, please, if you hire Robin back, 2131 01:27:39,954 --> 01:27:41,546 I promise you you won't be sorry. 2132 01:27:41,622 --> 01:27:43,089 You have my word. 2133 01:27:51,398 --> 01:27:52,330 Thank you. 2134 01:27:55,836 --> 01:27:57,895 We hate noise. Isn't that right, Jerry? 2135 01:27:57,972 --> 01:27:59,405 Yeah. Makes me nuts. 2136 01:27:59,473 --> 01:28:00,906 No, it's a very quiet street. 2137 01:28:00,975 --> 01:28:02,442 You're gonna like it here. 2138 01:28:03,744 --> 01:28:05,041 Excuse me for a second. 2139 01:28:06,413 --> 01:28:07,710 You're back. I got you back. 2140 01:28:07,781 --> 01:28:08,839 It's a miracle of all miracles. 2141 01:28:08,949 --> 01:28:10,211 I can't talk right now. 2142 01:28:10,284 --> 01:28:11,842 Oh, hello. How are you? 2143 01:28:11,919 --> 01:28:13,944 I even got you an office. You're all set. 2144 01:28:14,021 --> 01:28:15,420 I'm showing my apartment now. 2145 01:28:15,489 --> 01:28:16,956 You're looking at this apartment? 2146 01:28:17,024 --> 01:28:18,685 Let me tell you something. There are roaches the size of dogs here. 2147 01:28:18,759 --> 01:28:20,192 - I don't advise you living here. - Excuse me. 2148 01:28:20,261 --> 01:28:22,354 It is disgusting. Take a look behind the fireplace. 2149 01:28:22,429 --> 01:28:24,488 You'll see. Excuse me. I'll come back and tell you. 2150 01:28:24,565 --> 01:28:26,692 What the hell do you think you're doing? 2151 01:28:26,767 --> 01:28:28,632 Robin, you got your job back, so what's the problem? 2152 01:28:28,702 --> 01:28:30,727 The problem is that when I needed you, 2153 01:28:30,804 --> 01:28:31,964 you didn't stand behind me. 2154 01:28:32,039 --> 01:28:33,666 Robin, those guys are assholes. They screwed you, 2155 01:28:33,741 --> 01:28:36,005 and they screwed me. We gotta get back in there and beat them. 2156 01:28:36,076 --> 01:28:37,737 We were supposed to be a team. 2157 01:28:37,811 --> 01:28:39,142 We are a team, for God's sakes. 2158 01:28:39,213 --> 01:28:40,703 We're gonna be the greatest team in the history of radio. 2159 01:28:42,049 --> 01:28:43,380 Come on. What's the big deal? 2160 01:28:43,450 --> 01:28:46,749 Look at me, Robin. Robin... 2161 01:28:46,820 --> 01:28:47,752 See this? 2162 01:28:47,821 --> 01:28:49,083 Look what I'm doing. 2163 01:28:49,156 --> 01:28:50,316 You know what I'm doing? I'm begging you. 2164 01:28:50,391 --> 01:28:51,858 I'm begging you. 2165 01:28:51,926 --> 01:28:53,393 I'm serious. 2166 01:28:53,460 --> 01:28:54,825 Come here. I'm gonna kiss your feet. 2167 01:28:54,895 --> 01:28:55,953 Look at these gams. 2168 01:28:56,030 --> 01:28:57,224 Look at these feet. 2169 01:28:57,298 --> 01:28:58,993 I'm worshipping your foot. 2170 01:28:59,066 --> 01:29:00,328 Look at me, Robin. 2171 01:29:00,401 --> 01:29:01,766 What are you doing? 2172 01:29:01,835 --> 01:29:02,961 People are looking at us. 2173 01:29:03,037 --> 01:29:05,130 I'm begging you to... I'm liking it down here. 2174 01:29:05,205 --> 01:29:07,036 Hey, Robin, 2175 01:29:07,107 --> 01:29:09,268 you love this, don't you? 2176 01:29:09,343 --> 01:29:10,537 It gives me great pleasure now 2177 01:29:10,611 --> 01:29:11,839 to welcome back on our show 2178 01:29:11,912 --> 01:29:14,346 the very beautiful, multitalented... 2179 01:29:14,415 --> 01:29:16,679 uh, vivacious... 2180 01:29:16,750 --> 01:29:18,411 tight-sweatered... 2181 01:29:18,485 --> 01:29:21,579 beautifully big-breasted Robin Quivers. I love her. 2182 01:29:21,655 --> 01:29:23,350 Thank you. 2183 01:29:23,424 --> 01:29:25,619 May I say that you are beautifully big- breasted again? 2184 01:29:25,693 --> 01:29:27,024 No. 2185 01:29:27,094 --> 01:29:29,528 Thank God you're back, 'cause the show sucked without you. 2186 01:29:29,596 --> 01:29:31,996 Actually, I just want to say how much I really missed you and... 2187 01:29:32,066 --> 01:29:32,998 Aww. 2188 01:29:33,067 --> 01:29:34,193 That I really do love you, 2189 01:29:34,268 --> 01:29:35,929 and I'm just so glad you're back. 2190 01:29:36,003 --> 01:29:38,301 OK there, Mr. Rushton, 2191 01:29:38,372 --> 01:29:42,240 You pick up the phone, and it rings right into my booth. 2192 01:29:42,309 --> 01:29:43,867 Good, but don't answer it. 2193 01:29:43,944 --> 01:29:46,640 Immediately disconnect Stern's microphone, 2194 01:29:46,714 --> 01:29:48,841 dump out of the delay, and go straight to a record. 2195 01:29:48,916 --> 01:29:50,042 That would be it, sir. 2196 01:29:50,117 --> 01:29:53,211 Always have a record ready to go. 2197 01:29:53,287 --> 01:29:54,777 Yes, sir. 2198 01:29:57,257 --> 01:30:00,522 This little puppy's finally gonna get housebroken. 2199 01:30:00,661 --> 01:30:02,822 Oh, look at this, Robin. This is unbelievable. 2200 01:30:02,896 --> 01:30:04,591 Oh, the underpants are coming off. 2201 01:30:04,665 --> 01:30:07,930 That is the first naked lady in the history of radio. 2202 01:30:07,968 --> 01:30:09,560 Sans panties, sans bra. 2203 01:30:09,636 --> 01:30:11,069 I am shocked. 2204 01:30:11,138 --> 01:30:12,571 So am I. This is disgraceful. 2205 01:30:12,639 --> 01:30:13,663 We should be taken off the air. 2206 01:30:13,774 --> 01:30:15,674 You've finally done it. 2207 01:30:15,743 --> 01:30:17,870 Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art. Did you know that? 2208 01:30:17,945 --> 01:30:18,877 Thank you, Howard. 2209 01:30:18,946 --> 01:30:20,072 Let me tell you something. 2210 01:30:20,147 --> 01:30:22,445 Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio, 2211 01:30:22,516 --> 01:30:25,144 Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me 2212 01:30:25,219 --> 01:30:26,777 and give me a massage while she is nude. 2213 01:30:26,854 --> 01:30:29,379 What does a massage have to do with making it into history? 2214 01:30:29,456 --> 01:30:31,390 Who knows? I don't know. Massage, schmas. 2215 01:30:31,458 --> 01:30:32,390 I just gotta get touched. 2216 01:30:32,459 --> 01:30:33,551 I can't wait, Howard. 2217 01:30:33,627 --> 01:30:34,594 You can't wait? 2218 01:30:34,661 --> 01:30:35,753 Let me tell you something... 2219 01:30:35,829 --> 01:30:38,093 I'm not kidding around... You are beautiful, 2220 01:30:38,165 --> 01:30:39,598 and my thoughts are right in the gutter. 2221 01:30:39,666 --> 01:30:40,963 You understand what I mean? 2222 01:30:41,001 --> 01:30:42,195 This is the Tudor, right? 2223 01:30:42,269 --> 01:30:44,100 Center hall plan, very traditional. 2224 01:30:44,171 --> 01:30:45,365 Naked Woman: I've been thinking about you, too. 2225 01:30:45,439 --> 01:30:48,636 Only reason it's for sale is they're divorcing. 2226 01:30:48,709 --> 01:30:52,543 Would you believe 80%% % of my listings are from divorces? 2227 01:30:52,613 --> 01:30:53,807 Howard: Mmm. For God's sakes. 2228 01:30:53,881 --> 01:30:55,246 Now, what do you suggest we do here? 2229 01:30:55,315 --> 01:30:58,978 Why don't you come lay over here and get comfortable? 2230 01:30:59,019 --> 01:31:00,816 I could do that. 2231 01:31:00,888 --> 01:31:01,820 All right. 2232 01:31:01,889 --> 01:31:03,254 I can't believe my luck here. 2233 01:31:03,323 --> 01:31:04,915 Don't hurt yourself getting over there. 2234 01:31:04,992 --> 01:31:05,924 I won't. 2235 01:31:05,993 --> 01:31:07,119 All right, hold on a second. 2236 01:31:07,194 --> 01:31:09,788 Let me get my cans on. 2237 01:31:09,863 --> 01:31:10,795 OK. 2238 01:31:10,864 --> 01:31:12,695 Ooh, you know what? You know... Oh, man. 2239 01:31:12,766 --> 01:31:13,698 Let me soak you in. 2240 01:31:13,767 --> 01:31:14,961 Holy cow, are you naked. 2241 01:31:15,035 --> 01:31:16,195 You know what I like about you? 2242 01:31:16,270 --> 01:31:17,202 What? 2243 01:31:17,271 --> 01:31:18,295 I like that you're the perfect height. 2244 01:31:18,372 --> 01:31:19,304 I could have sex with you standing up. 2245 01:31:19,373 --> 01:31:21,000 Look at that. Ooh. 2246 01:31:21,041 --> 01:31:23,771 Robin: Howard! You're married. 2247 01:31:23,844 --> 01:31:25,368 I am? I mean, I am. 2248 01:31:25,446 --> 01:31:26,708 Well, I'm not really married anymore. 2249 01:31:26,780 --> 01:31:27,747 What do you mean? 2250 01:31:27,848 --> 01:31:29,179 Take a seat. I'll Tell you what happened. 2251 01:31:29,249 --> 01:31:31,410 My wife was suffering from cancer... I never told you this... 2252 01:31:31,485 --> 01:31:32,417 and she died last night. 2253 01:31:32,486 --> 01:31:33,976 I've been single for exactly 6 hours. 2254 01:31:34,054 --> 01:31:35,851 Honey, if you're up there now, 2255 01:31:35,923 --> 01:31:37,857 I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side, 2256 01:31:37,925 --> 01:31:40,189 but I want you to cover your ears and eyes. 2257 01:31:40,260 --> 01:31:41,750 Besides, you're married to God now... 2258 01:31:41,862 --> 01:31:43,796 Your husband's quite a character. 2259 01:31:43,864 --> 01:31:47,425 Only on the radio. It's just an act. 2260 01:31:47,501 --> 01:31:50,436 Oh, oh, that's nice. No one's ever touched me like this before. 2261 01:31:50,504 --> 01:31:51,471 Let me ask you something. 2262 01:31:51,538 --> 01:31:52,664 You have the look of love in your eyes, 2263 01:31:52,739 --> 01:31:54,934 but I'm an ugly man. I know this. 2264 01:31:55,008 --> 01:31:56,771 You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you? 2265 01:31:56,844 --> 01:31:58,402 Physically, I am. 2266 01:31:58,479 --> 01:32:00,845 I mean, you're smart, you're sexy. 2267 01:32:00,914 --> 01:32:02,882 Wait. Excuse me for one minute. Robin... 2268 01:32:02,950 --> 01:32:04,076 I didn't say a thing. 2269 01:32:04,184 --> 01:32:07,153 Robin, go up to the cafeteria and get some lunch. 2270 01:32:07,221 --> 01:32:08,449 Yeah, go ahead. Tell me more about me. 2271 01:32:08,522 --> 01:32:09,546 You're funny. 2272 01:32:09,623 --> 01:32:12,387 You know what I would do to you physically? 2273 01:32:12,459 --> 01:32:13,756 What would you do? 2274 01:32:13,827 --> 01:32:15,795 I don't know what I'd do, but let me just say something. 2275 01:32:15,896 --> 01:32:17,864 Whatever it is, it would last 3 seconds. 2276 01:32:17,965 --> 01:32:19,364 3 seconds, I'd be finished. 2277 01:32:19,433 --> 01:32:22,402 We would have sex, like, 10 times a day. You would love it. 2278 01:32:22,469 --> 01:32:24,664 I kind of want to wrap my legs around you. 2279 01:32:24,738 --> 01:32:25,670 You do? 2280 01:32:29,076 --> 01:32:31,636 The average radio listener listens for 18 minutes. 2281 01:32:31,712 --> 01:32:32,679 Mm-hmm. 2282 01:32:32,779 --> 01:32:34,713 The average Howard Stern fan listens for... 2283 01:32:34,781 --> 01:32:36,009 are you ready for this? 2284 01:32:36,083 --> 01:32:37,914 An hour and 20 minutes. 2285 01:32:37,985 --> 01:32:39,111 How can that be? 2286 01:32:39,186 --> 01:32:40,619 Answer most commonly given: 2287 01:32:40,687 --> 01:32:43,121 "I want to see what he'll say next." 2288 01:32:43,190 --> 01:32:44,623 All right, OK, fine. 2289 01:32:44,691 --> 01:32:46,750 But what about the people who hate Stern? 2290 01:32:46,827 --> 01:32:48,818 Good point. The average Stern hater... 2291 01:32:48,929 --> 01:32:51,762 listens for 21/2 hours a day. 2292 01:32:54,601 --> 01:32:56,569 Look, but if they hate him, 2293 01:32:56,637 --> 01:32:57,968 why do they listen? 2294 01:32:58,038 --> 01:32:59,096 Most common answer: 2295 01:32:59,139 --> 01:33:01,039 "I want to see what he'll say next." 2296 01:33:01,108 --> 01:33:02,939 - Kenny. - Fucking twisted. What? 2297 01:33:03,010 --> 01:33:05,137 You'd better listen to this. 2298 01:33:05,245 --> 01:33:06,712 Howard: This is nice. You wanna know something? 2299 01:33:06,780 --> 01:33:08,213 This is the God's honest truth. 2300 01:33:08,282 --> 01:33:09,681 Come here. I want to tell you closer. 2301 01:33:09,750 --> 01:33:13,151 I am fully aroused right now. I am totally engorged. 2302 01:33:13,253 --> 01:33:14,117 Oh, my God. 2303 01:33:14,154 --> 01:33:15,416 Naked Woman: Well, after the show, 2304 01:33:15,489 --> 01:33:18,322 why don't we go someplace else and see how it feels? 2305 01:33:18,392 --> 01:33:19,859 Really? That's great. 2306 01:33:19,960 --> 01:33:21,427 You know why I love you? 'Cause you're smart. 2307 01:33:21,528 --> 01:33:23,758 - And you're practically a virgin, right? 2308 01:33:23,830 --> 01:33:25,491 Practically. 2309 01:33:25,566 --> 01:33:28,296 You have a sharp ass. 2310 01:33:28,368 --> 01:33:30,268 I'm gonna be so honest with you now. 2311 01:33:30,337 --> 01:33:31,964 - I've never said this before. 2312 01:33:32,039 --> 01:33:33,768 I'm telling you, I'm a full 21/2 inches, 2313 01:33:33,840 --> 01:33:35,967 and I've never been 21/2... What's the music? 2314 01:33:36,043 --> 01:33:37,271 We're off the air. 2315 01:33:37,344 --> 01:33:39,278 Are we off the air? 2316 01:33:39,346 --> 01:33:42,713 Oh. Would you do me a favor? Just stay right there, OK? 2317 01:33:42,783 --> 01:33:44,580 What the hell's going on? What are you doing, man? 2318 01:33:44,651 --> 01:33:46,243 Look, Rushton told me, this phone... 2319 01:33:46,320 --> 01:33:49,118 Oh, come on, man. Don't listen to Kenny. 2320 01:33:49,189 --> 01:33:50,451 I'm just doing what he told me, that's all. 2321 01:33:50,524 --> 01:33:51,957 Shit, man, you don't take me off the air 2322 01:33:52,025 --> 01:33:52,992 in the middle of a fucking bit. 2323 01:33:53,060 --> 01:33:54,084 Come on. Don't listen to Kenny. 2324 01:33:54,161 --> 01:33:55,185 You're supposed to listen to me. 2325 01:33:55,295 --> 01:33:56,319 He's the boss. 2326 01:33:56,396 --> 01:33:59,160 Forget it. You believe this? 2327 01:33:59,199 --> 01:34:00,461 What the hell are they doing? 2328 01:34:02,603 --> 01:34:03,695 Yeah, hi. Can I speak to Kenny? 2329 01:34:03,770 --> 01:34:05,738 It's Howard over in the air studio. 2330 01:34:05,839 --> 01:34:06,806 Just hold the line. 2331 01:34:06,907 --> 01:34:07,896 As soon as they get him on, 2332 01:34:08,008 --> 01:34:08,940 just keep him on the line. 2333 01:34:09,009 --> 01:34:10,340 Fred, get me back on the air. 2334 01:34:10,410 --> 01:34:12,605 Just patch the phone call onto the air, OK? 2335 01:34:12,679 --> 01:34:15,079 Just put it right through as soon as you can. 2336 01:34:15,148 --> 01:34:16,308 Fuck, man. 2337 01:34:16,383 --> 01:34:19,784 # Oh, the canvas can do miracles # 2338 01:34:19,853 --> 01:34:20,911 # Just you wait and see... # 2339 01:34:20,988 --> 01:34:22,649 Patch it in. 2340 01:34:22,723 --> 01:34:24,190 I said patch it in! 2341 01:34:28,028 --> 01:34:30,189 Yes, Robin, he's running in right now. 2342 01:34:30,230 --> 01:34:32,357 Can I have the phone, please, just for a second? 2343 01:34:32,432 --> 01:34:33,956 Hi, Robin. We back on the air? 2344 01:34:34,067 --> 01:34:35,227 Robin: Yeah. Everybody can hear. 2345 01:34:35,302 --> 01:34:36,792 OK, I'm right outside Pig Vomit's office. 2346 01:34:36,903 --> 01:34:37,995 I'm gonna knock on his door. 2347 01:34:38,071 --> 01:34:39,003 All right. 2348 01:34:39,072 --> 01:34:40,505 Hey, Pig Vomit. 2349 01:34:40,574 --> 01:34:42,405 Come on, Kenny. Why don't you open up? 2350 01:34:42,476 --> 01:34:44,808 I want to know why this guy had to cut my show off. 2351 01:34:44,878 --> 01:34:46,038 Come on, Pig Vomit. 2352 01:34:46,113 --> 01:34:47,307 Mr. Stern, he's in a meeting. 2353 01:34:47,381 --> 01:34:48,473 I'd like to know what meeting 2354 01:34:48,548 --> 01:34:49,708 is more important than my show. 2355 01:34:49,783 --> 01:34:51,080 He took the show right off the air. 2356 01:34:51,151 --> 01:34:53,449 What'd you take the show off the air for, Pig Vomit? Huh? 2357 01:34:53,520 --> 01:34:55,112 This isn't funny, Howard. 2358 01:34:55,188 --> 01:34:56,120 Oh, it's not funny? 2359 01:34:56,189 --> 01:34:57,520 What are you talking about? 2360 01:34:57,591 --> 01:34:58,615 I think it's very funny. 2361 01:34:58,692 --> 01:34:59,681 How would you know what's funny, anyway? 2362 01:34:59,793 --> 01:35:01,920 You're not bringing that in here, Stern. 2363 01:35:01,995 --> 01:35:03,622 I don't see anybody in here in a meeting, do you? 2364 01:35:03,697 --> 01:35:04,629 You gotta go. 2365 01:35:04,698 --> 01:35:05,630 Why would I have to go? 2366 01:35:05,699 --> 01:35:07,257 Why don't you explain to my audience 2367 01:35:07,367 --> 01:35:08,334 why you had to shut down the show? 2368 01:35:08,435 --> 01:35:09,925 I don't answer to you, Stern. 2369 01:35:10,037 --> 01:35:11,732 Yes, you do, you big idiot scumbag. 2370 01:35:11,805 --> 01:35:13,932 I'm your boss. I'm your boss. 2371 01:35:14,007 --> 01:35:14,996 Hey, what's this? 2372 01:35:15,108 --> 01:35:17,804 Robin, it's everybody's salary on his desk. 2373 01:35:17,878 --> 01:35:19,140 God damn it, get out of here! 2374 01:35:19,212 --> 01:35:20,873 He hit me, Robin. He's hitting me. 2375 01:35:20,947 --> 01:35:21,879 Robin: Hit him back. 2376 01:35:21,948 --> 01:35:23,848 I'm gonna hit you back. 2377 01:35:23,917 --> 01:35:25,714 I hit him back. He hit... 2378 01:35:25,786 --> 01:35:27,185 You're not getting the phone from me, Kenny. 2379 01:35:27,254 --> 01:35:28,186 Gimme the damn phone. 2380 01:35:28,255 --> 01:35:29,222 No! 2381 01:35:29,289 --> 01:35:30,221 Oh! 2382 01:35:30,290 --> 01:35:31,484 Oh, my God, Robin. 2383 01:35:31,558 --> 01:35:33,719 Kenny just hit himself in the face. He's bleeding. 2384 01:35:33,794 --> 01:35:34,761 Give that to me. 2385 01:35:34,828 --> 01:35:36,193 Hey, come on. 2386 01:35:36,263 --> 01:35:37,230 Oh! 2387 01:35:37,297 --> 01:35:38,787 Robin: Oh, goodness, what's going on? 2388 01:35:38,899 --> 01:35:40,196 Vince just got hit by Kenny. 2389 01:35:40,267 --> 01:35:41,393 God damn it, Stern! 2390 01:35:41,468 --> 01:35:43,800 You look! See that?! Blood, Stern! 2391 01:35:43,870 --> 01:35:45,565 - Are you OK? - No! 2392 01:35:45,639 --> 01:35:46,571 Broke my nose! 2393 01:35:46,640 --> 01:35:47,902 It wasn't my fault. 2394 01:35:47,974 --> 01:35:48,998 I'll sue your ass! 2395 01:35:49,109 --> 01:35:50,076 Get out of here! 2396 01:35:52,012 --> 01:35:52,979 Our first guest tonight 2397 01:35:53,046 --> 01:35:55,606 is the afternoon drive-time disc jockey 2398 01:35:55,682 --> 01:35:58,242 at WNBC radio here in New York City. 2399 01:35:58,318 --> 01:35:59,444 Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor. 2400 01:35:59,519 --> 01:36:02,010 Please welcome Howard Stern. 2401 01:36:02,122 --> 01:36:03,054 Howard! 2402 01:36:10,697 --> 01:36:12,426 Walk over there and have a seat. 2403 01:36:12,499 --> 01:36:15,900 Now, uh, Howard, you know, uh... 2404 01:36:15,969 --> 01:36:17,800 I admire you, you know? I love what you do. 2405 01:36:17,871 --> 01:36:19,065 I think you're a pioneer. 2406 01:36:19,139 --> 01:36:20,800 You're on the cutting edge of radio entertainment. 2407 01:36:20,874 --> 01:36:23,206 You and I both work for NBC. 2408 01:36:23,276 --> 01:36:24,243 You have the radio show, 2409 01:36:24,344 --> 01:36:25,936 I have the little TV show here. 2410 01:36:26,012 --> 01:36:27,809 How do you get along with the folks here? 2411 01:36:27,881 --> 01:36:28,973 You enjoying the experience? 2412 01:36:29,049 --> 01:36:30,448 I hate it at NBC, Dave. 2413 01:36:30,517 --> 01:36:32,849 It's the worst. It sucks. I gotta tell you something. 2414 01:36:32,919 --> 01:36:34,216 All the management at NBC... 2415 01:36:34,287 --> 01:36:36,881 bunch of creeps, and I'm not afraid to say it right now, 2416 01:36:36,957 --> 01:36:38,618 and, you know, it's funny, 2417 01:36:38,692 --> 01:36:41,252 because I know you feel the same exact way I do about NBC 2418 01:36:41,328 --> 01:36:43,193 because you told me on the phone personally last week 2419 01:36:43,263 --> 01:36:44,230 that you feel the same way. 2420 01:36:44,331 --> 01:36:46,492 I couldn't be happier. Everything is fine. 2421 01:36:46,566 --> 01:36:47,965 I don't understand them at all. 2422 01:36:48,034 --> 01:36:50,264 Now, Howard, let's get back to the issue of them being creepy. 2423 01:36:50,337 --> 01:36:51,827 Now, when you say they're creep... 2424 01:36:53,907 --> 01:36:55,841 He makes us sound like a bunch of idiots on the radio. 2425 01:36:55,909 --> 01:36:57,843 He criticizes us on television. 2426 01:36:57,911 --> 01:37:00,141 I thought you were going to control this guy. 2427 01:37:00,213 --> 01:37:02,044 Oh, well, we are, sir. 2428 01:37:02,115 --> 01:37:05,380 In fact, we're designing a more restrictive program 2429 01:37:05,452 --> 01:37:06,714 - Shut up. - To make sure... 2430 01:37:06,787 --> 01:37:08,254 How are his numbers? 2431 01:37:08,355 --> 01:37:11,256 The official ratings don't come out until tomorrow, 2432 01:37:11,324 --> 01:37:12,559 but we've got some projections. 2433 01:37:14,995 --> 01:37:18,089 Stern... has gone... 2434 01:37:18,165 --> 01:37:22,101 from a 2.9 to a 5.6. 2435 01:37:25,205 --> 01:37:28,231 He's number one in the market. 2436 01:37:28,308 --> 01:37:29,900 He's the hottest d.j. In New York. 2437 01:37:31,478 --> 01:37:33,878 Kind of weird, you know? 2438 01:37:33,947 --> 01:37:35,778 I thought there was a mistake or something, 2439 01:37:35,849 --> 01:37:39,478 but... mm-mmm... no. 2440 01:37:39,553 --> 01:37:43,421 My girlfriends think i'm crazy for letting you behave like that on the air. 2441 01:37:43,490 --> 01:37:45,424 What are you talking about? 2442 01:37:45,492 --> 01:37:46,925 You know what it is? It's those yentas you hang around with. 2443 01:37:46,993 --> 01:37:48,426 They're... they're driving you crazy. 2444 01:37:48,495 --> 01:37:50,122 It's not yentas, Howard. It's everybody. 2445 01:37:50,197 --> 01:37:52,131 I can't even go... I can't even get my hair done. 2446 01:37:52,199 --> 01:37:53,689 I can't even walk in and get my hair done 2447 01:37:53,767 --> 01:37:56,099 without people looking at me like, "Oh, God, that poor little thing." 2448 01:37:56,169 --> 01:37:57,363 Then you know what you gotta do? 2449 01:37:57,437 --> 01:37:58,461 You gotta go to a different hair shop or something. 2450 01:37:58,538 --> 01:37:59,937 - Please! - For God's sakes, 2451 01:38:00,006 --> 01:38:01,530 If the place is driving you crazy, don't go there. 2452 01:38:01,608 --> 01:38:03,041 It's not that! It's not that! 2453 01:38:03,109 --> 01:38:04,269 God, no wonder they think you're sleeping around! 2454 01:38:04,344 --> 01:38:05,504 Look at me! Look at me! 2455 01:38:05,579 --> 01:38:07,046 - I'm disgusting! - What about you? 2456 01:38:07,113 --> 01:38:09,775 - You're not disgusting. - Yes, I am! I look like a house! 2457 01:38:09,850 --> 01:38:11,579 - I look like an elephant! - You don't look like a house. 2458 01:38:11,651 --> 01:38:13,346 - You do not. You look beautiful. - I look like Babar! 2459 01:38:13,420 --> 01:38:15,012 - You don't look like an elephant. - I do. 2460 01:38:15,088 --> 01:38:17,522 You don't look like Babar. You look gorgeous. 2461 01:38:17,591 --> 01:38:18,956 This is the most beautiful you ever looked. 2462 01:38:19,025 --> 01:38:20,219 You're carrying our baby. 2463 01:38:20,293 --> 01:38:22,625 Come over here. You want to sit down on this couch? 2464 01:38:22,696 --> 01:38:24,630 You know what the problem is? You're tired. 2465 01:38:24,698 --> 01:38:25,824 I am tired. 2466 01:38:25,899 --> 01:38:26,957 Here. 2467 01:38:32,839 --> 01:38:34,136 Look at this... 2468 01:38:34,207 --> 01:38:35,799 It's our baby. 2469 01:38:37,377 --> 01:38:38,844 It's beautiful. 2470 01:38:38,912 --> 01:38:40,777 You're beautiful. 2471 01:38:40,847 --> 01:38:42,610 Beautiful. 2472 01:38:48,054 --> 01:38:48,986 Who would come here? 2473 01:38:49,055 --> 01:38:50,113 Quiet. 2474 01:38:55,095 --> 01:38:56,084 I don't want to get that. 2475 01:38:56,162 --> 01:38:57,686 - Oh. 2476 01:38:57,764 --> 01:38:59,197 OK. I'll go get the door. 2477 01:38:59,266 --> 01:39:01,632 - Don't go away. 2478 01:39:07,007 --> 01:39:07,939 Howdy, partner. 2479 01:39:08,008 --> 01:39:09,270 - How you doing? - Oh, hey, Kenny. 2480 01:39:09,342 --> 01:39:10,832 Can I come in just for a second? 2481 01:39:10,911 --> 01:39:12,037 It's kind of a bad time, OK? 2482 01:39:12,112 --> 01:39:14,012 Just real quick, OK? Listen. 2483 01:39:14,080 --> 01:39:15,308 I want to tell you something. 2484 01:39:15,382 --> 01:39:16,849 You've won. 2485 01:39:16,917 --> 01:39:18,475 When the new ratings come out tomorrow, 2486 01:39:18,552 --> 01:39:20,213 you are going to be number one. 2487 01:39:20,287 --> 01:39:22,915 You understand me? A point and a half higher than lmus. 2488 01:39:22,989 --> 01:39:24,616 - No shit? - You've killed him. You've slayed him. 2489 01:39:24,691 --> 01:39:25,783 You understand me? Ha ha! 2490 01:39:25,859 --> 01:39:26,848 That's great news. Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go. 2491 01:39:26,927 --> 01:39:28,155 Howard! Howard! Howard! 2492 01:39:28,228 --> 01:39:32,130 Listen, I know I've been a real pain in the butt, OK? 2493 01:39:32,198 --> 01:39:33,597 But that's all over with now. 2494 01:39:33,667 --> 01:39:35,601 Now, you're going to need a friend on the inside. 2495 01:39:35,669 --> 01:39:37,330 I'm going to do everything I can for you. 2496 01:39:37,404 --> 01:39:40,305 All right? How's that sound, partner? 2497 01:39:41,975 --> 01:39:42,907 Fuck you. 2498 01:39:45,312 --> 01:39:47,143 People of New York... 2499 01:39:47,213 --> 01:39:49,010 People of Earth... 2500 01:39:49,082 --> 01:39:50,674 we are gathered here today 2501 01:39:50,750 --> 01:39:52,274 in praise of me! 2502 01:39:55,021 --> 01:39:58,286 Man, this is a great day in my life. 2503 01:39:58,358 --> 01:40:00,758 I've been dreaming of this day forever. 2504 01:40:00,827 --> 01:40:02,385 Thank you! 2505 01:40:02,462 --> 01:40:04,555 Thanks. 2506 01:40:04,631 --> 01:40:06,724 You know, when I got to NBC, 2507 01:40:06,800 --> 01:40:08,825 they treated me like I was a jerk. 2508 01:40:08,902 --> 01:40:12,303 They did everything to sabotage me, but because of you... 2509 01:40:13,873 --> 01:40:16,398 Because of you, and only because of you, 2510 01:40:16,476 --> 01:40:18,876 I am now the number one disc jockey in New York, 2511 01:40:18,945 --> 01:40:20,640 and I thank you. I love you for that. 2512 01:40:20,714 --> 01:40:21,646 I love you! 2513 01:40:21,715 --> 01:40:24,582 Thank you! 2514 01:40:24,651 --> 01:40:26,243 This is my gift to you, New York... 2515 01:40:26,319 --> 01:40:28,150 AC/DC! 2516 01:40:45,639 --> 01:40:47,504 # She was a fast machine # 2517 01:40:47,574 --> 01:40:49,838 # She kept her motor clean # 2518 01:40:49,909 --> 01:40:53,174 # She was the best damn woman that I've ever seen # 2519 01:40:53,246 --> 01:40:55,476 # She had the sexiest eyes # 2520 01:40:55,548 --> 01:40:57,015 # Telling me no lies # 2521 01:40:57,083 --> 01:41:00,951 # Knockin' me out with those American thighs # 2522 01:41:01,021 --> 01:41:02,648 # We did not want to share... # 2523 01:41:02,722 --> 01:41:05,418 How! My water broke! 2524 01:41:05,492 --> 01:41:06,424 What? 2525 01:41:06,493 --> 01:41:08,620 My water broke! 2526 01:41:08,695 --> 01:41:10,788 # Bang, the walls started shakin' # 2527 01:41:10,864 --> 01:41:12,798 # The earth was quakin' # 2528 01:41:12,866 --> 01:41:14,891 # My mind was achin' # 2529 01:41:14,968 --> 01:41:17,027 # We were makin' when you # 2530 01:41:17,103 --> 01:41:20,732 # Shook me all night long # 2531 01:41:20,807 --> 01:41:23,708 Hey! Hey! 2532 01:41:23,777 --> 01:41:28,805 # Yeah, you shook me all night long... # 2533 01:41:30,383 --> 01:41:31,645 Keep it moving! 2534 01:41:31,718 --> 01:41:34,380 # One more time, and when she got to... # 2535 01:41:45,165 --> 01:41:48,032 Hoowww! 2536 01:41:48,101 --> 01:41:49,068 Now, push! Push! 2537 01:41:49,135 --> 01:41:51,535 No, no, don't push. Just breathe deeply. 2538 01:41:51,604 --> 01:41:52,536 Don't push, honey. 2539 01:41:52,605 --> 01:41:53,537 Ice chips. 2540 01:41:53,606 --> 01:41:54,937 Fuck ice chips, How! 2541 01:41:55,008 --> 01:41:56,873 Listen to me... 2542 01:41:57,177 --> 01:41:59,975 we named her Emily. 7 pounds, 8 ounces. 2543 01:42:00,046 --> 01:42:02,344 She was incredibly beautiful. Really nice. 2544 01:42:02,415 --> 01:42:03,712 Well, you must have felt fabulous. 2545 01:42:03,783 --> 01:42:06,513 Yeah, I had everything I ever wanted in life, you know. 2546 01:42:06,586 --> 01:42:07,610 You know, I have to admit 2547 01:42:07,687 --> 01:42:10,485 that I'm really not a very big fan of yours, 2548 01:42:10,557 --> 01:42:11,922 but, in fact, I... 2549 01:42:11,991 --> 01:42:14,824 I know. You thought I was a disgusting, sexist, racist pig 2550 01:42:14,894 --> 01:42:17,761 who had the maturity level of a 3-year-old, right? 2551 01:42:17,831 --> 01:42:18,855 Yeah, exactly. 2552 01:42:18,932 --> 01:42:20,559 Yeah. I get that all the time. 2553 01:42:20,633 --> 01:42:22,931 But then you know what happens? 2554 01:42:23,002 --> 01:42:24,026 What? 2555 01:42:24,104 --> 01:42:26,163 I grow on you like a fungus. 2556 01:42:28,341 --> 01:42:29,740 I could see that. 2557 01:42:33,346 --> 01:42:35,814 You know, I have to tell you... 2558 01:42:35,882 --> 01:42:38,510 this has been a really great flight. 2559 01:42:38,585 --> 01:42:40,212 Really? 2560 01:42:40,286 --> 01:42:41,685 Mm-hmm. 2561 01:42:43,990 --> 01:42:45,924 You know, I could get this girl. 2562 01:42:45,992 --> 01:42:47,152 I know I could get her. 2563 01:42:47,227 --> 01:42:49,161 And this is the hell that's my life. 2564 01:42:49,229 --> 01:42:50,662 I mean, think about it. 2565 01:42:50,730 --> 01:42:52,357 What would it be like to have sex with her? 2566 01:42:52,432 --> 01:42:53,763 It would be amazing. 2567 01:42:53,833 --> 01:42:56,063 But I'm not going to act on it. 2568 01:42:56,136 --> 01:42:57,626 You know why? 2569 01:42:57,704 --> 01:42:59,035 Because I'd be a schmuck. 2570 01:42:59,105 --> 01:43:01,369 No, because I love Alison. 2571 01:43:01,441 --> 01:43:04,899 She stuck with me through the whole thing, you know? 2572 01:43:04,978 --> 01:43:06,775 You gotta respect that. 2573 01:43:06,846 --> 01:43:09,110 I think you have to respect that. 2574 01:43:13,620 --> 01:43:15,952 You have to respect that. 2575 01:43:20,860 --> 01:43:21,792 Hey, everybody! 2576 01:43:21,861 --> 01:43:23,123 - Daddy! - Daddy! 2577 01:43:23,196 --> 01:43:24,823 Oh, did I miss you! 2578 01:43:24,898 --> 01:43:27,526 Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! 2579 01:43:27,600 --> 01:43:29,625 Let's go say hi to Mommy. Come on. 2580 01:43:29,702 --> 01:43:31,135 - Hi. - Wait, wait. There we go. 2581 01:43:31,204 --> 01:43:32,398 Did you miss me? Mmm! 2582 01:43:32,472 --> 01:43:34,406 Hi, honey. I missed you. 2583 01:43:34,474 --> 01:43:35,406 Oh, Gloria. 2584 01:43:35,475 --> 01:43:36,506 Honey, Gloria. Gloria, honey. 2585 01:43:36,507 --> 01:43:37,538 Honey, Gloria. Gloria, honey. 2586 01:43:37,610 --> 01:43:38,668 - Hi. - Hi. 2587 01:43:38,745 --> 01:43:40,337 Maybe the two of you would like to have 2588 01:43:40,413 --> 01:43:42,313 a little menage a trois tonight? 2589 01:43:42,382 --> 01:43:43,940 Huh. You know what? Maybe some other time. 2590 01:43:44,017 --> 01:43:44,949 Just, you know, trying. 2591 01:43:45,018 --> 01:43:45,950 Yeah, I know. 2592 01:43:46,019 --> 01:43:47,577 OK. See you, Gloria. 2593 01:43:47,654 --> 01:43:50,487 Howard: So occasionally I make a fool of myself in public, 2594 01:43:50,557 --> 01:43:52,457 and the FCC wants me off the air, 2595 01:43:52,525 --> 01:43:55,517 and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts, 2596 01:43:55,595 --> 01:43:59,031 and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood. 2597 01:43:59,098 --> 01:44:01,032 Hey, after all, being misunderstood 2598 01:44:01,100 --> 01:44:03,534 is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not? 2599 01:44:03,603 --> 01:44:05,298 But my life isn't bad at all. 2600 01:44:05,371 --> 01:44:07,305 I'm still on the air, 2601 01:44:07,373 --> 01:44:09,034 I've got my kids, 2602 01:44:09,108 --> 01:44:10,541 and I've got Alison. 2603 01:44:10,610 --> 01:44:13,374 Alison... She's the best friend I could ever have. 2604 01:44:13,446 --> 01:44:14,538 And who knows? 2605 01:44:14,614 --> 01:44:16,047 With a little time, 2606 01:44:16,115 --> 01:44:17,548 the right energy... 2607 01:44:17,617 --> 01:44:20,245 I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action. 2608 01:44:21,855 --> 01:44:23,652 Porno For Pyros: # Got my hands into something # 2609 01:44:23,723 --> 01:44:25,816 # I could not touch... # 2610 01:44:25,892 --> 01:44:28,053 Stuttering John: Wait! Wait! Is that it? 2611 01:44:28,127 --> 01:44:29,151 What, the movie's over? 2612 01:44:29,229 --> 01:44:30,355 Oh, yeah? That's bullshit! 2613 01:44:30,430 --> 01:44:33,024 Hi. You know who I am? Yeah, I'm Stuttering John. 2614 01:44:33,099 --> 01:44:34,498 And you know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why. 2615 01:44:34,567 --> 01:44:37,092 I've been getting up at 5:00 every morning to work for Howard. 2616 01:44:37,170 --> 01:44:38,603 I've been pissing off every publicist, 2617 01:44:38,671 --> 01:44:40,332 burning every freakin' bridge in the industry, 2618 01:44:40,406 --> 01:44:43,842 And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay me back by putting me in his movie! 2619 01:44:43,943 --> 01:44:45,433 No, he doesn't! I'm not in the movie! 2620 01:44:45,511 --> 01:44:47,604 I've been in here for 8 years, cuttin' his friggin' potato! 2621 01:44:47,680 --> 01:44:49,773 I've been smacked around by Morton Downey, 2622 01:44:49,849 --> 01:44:51,783 punched in the nose by Raquel Welch, and what do I get? 2623 01:44:51,851 --> 01:44:53,250 I get fucking nothing! That's what I get! 2624 01:44:53,319 --> 01:44:54,377 I'm not even in this fucking movie! 2625 01:44:54,454 --> 01:44:55,512 He's says I'll be in the sequel! 2626 01:44:55,588 --> 01:44:57,317 Yeah? What sequel? Suppose the movie sucks? 2627 01:44:57,390 --> 01:44:59,221 Th-th-th-there won't even be any sequel! 2628 01:44:59,292 --> 01:45:02,750 # If you lie for your breakfast, then you won't get lunch # 2629 01:45:02,829 --> 01:45:06,595 # I'm a hard charger # 2630 01:45:06,666 --> 01:45:08,566 # I don't believe in dying # 2631 01:45:08,635 --> 01:45:10,728 # No such luck # 2632 01:45:10,803 --> 01:45:14,398 # Hard charger # 2633 01:45:14,474 --> 01:45:18,171 # Can't stay pretty 'cause it's just no fun # 2634 01:45:18,244 --> 01:45:20,769 # Hard charger... # 2635 01:45:22,815 --> 01:45:25,283 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Mia Farrow. 2636 01:45:27,420 --> 01:45:28,648 Thank you. 2637 01:45:28,721 --> 01:45:29,653 Thank you. 2638 01:45:29,722 --> 01:45:34,125 The nominees for best actor are... 2639 01:45:34,193 --> 01:45:35,626 Harrison Ford... 2640 01:45:38,064 --> 01:45:39,429 Denzel Washington... 2641 01:45:40,500 --> 01:45:42,900 Robert DeNiro... 2642 01:45:45,705 --> 01:45:47,138 Tom Hanks... 2643 01:45:49,175 --> 01:45:51,643 Howard Stern. 2644 01:45:53,146 --> 01:45:56,638 And the winner is... 2645 01:45:56,716 --> 01:45:57,648 Howard Stern. 2646 01:46:04,791 --> 01:46:06,281 It's me! 2647 01:46:19,072 --> 01:46:20,869 Howard: # I'm a radio star # 2648 01:46:20,940 --> 01:46:23,067 # A hit on TV # 2649 01:46:23,142 --> 01:46:24,939 # My life is on film # 2650 01:46:25,044 --> 01:46:26,944 # Yet it sucks bein' me # 2651 01:46:27,046 --> 01:46:28,570 Ben: Shut up! Sit down! 2652 01:46:28,648 --> 01:46:30,548 # My life's a wreck # 2653 01:46:30,616 --> 01:46:32,846 # I'm bored with sex # 2654 01:46:32,919 --> 01:46:37,447 # I've got a big nose and a skinny neck # 2655 01:46:37,523 --> 01:46:39,582 # I can't sing # 2656 01:46:39,659 --> 01:46:41,593 # I can't dance # 2657 01:46:41,661 --> 01:46:45,256 # I make money talking about the joke in my underpants # 2658 01:46:45,331 --> 01:46:46,958 # I'm a tortured man # 2659 01:46:47,033 --> 01:46:47,965 Shut up! Sit down! 2660 01:46:48,034 --> 01:46:49,228 # I'm a tortured man # 2661 01:46:49,302 --> 01:46:50,963 I told you not to be stupid, you moron. 2662 01:46:51,070 --> 01:46:52,332 Howard: I'm just thinking for a minute. 2663 01:46:52,405 --> 01:46:55,238 Should I trade half my money for 10 times as much sex? 2664 01:46:55,308 --> 01:46:56,673 It's an equation from hell. 2665 01:46:56,743 --> 01:46:57,675 Ray: Oh, well! 2666 01:46:57,744 --> 01:46:58,870 It's an equation from hell. 2667 01:46:58,945 --> 01:46:59,877 Oh, well! 2668 01:46:59,946 --> 01:47:01,106 It's an equation from hell. 2669 01:47:01,180 --> 01:47:02,545 Oh, well! 2670 01:47:02,615 --> 01:47:06,176 Marilyn Manson: # Your mouth is like a suicide # 2671 01:47:06,252 --> 01:47:08,982 # Talkin' like you never doubt # 2672 01:47:09,088 --> 01:47:10,919 # Melting me down # 2673 01:47:10,990 --> 01:47:14,687 # And suck, suck, sucking my brain # 2674 01:47:14,761 --> 01:47:20,495 # But I can't be the one that you need, yeah # 2675 01:47:20,566 --> 01:47:21,897 # And I can't be the... # 2676 01:47:21,968 --> 01:47:24,766 I bear no grudge against Howard Stern. 2677 01:47:24,837 --> 01:47:27,601 He's been very successful, and God bless him. 2678 01:47:27,673 --> 01:47:29,106 God bless him. 2679 01:47:29,175 --> 01:47:30,199 But I'll tell you something, 2680 01:47:30,276 --> 01:47:32,005 I ain't done too badly myself. 2681 01:47:32,111 --> 01:47:34,773 Uh, I manage a shopping mall 2682 01:47:34,847 --> 01:47:36,439 down in Florence, Alabama. 2683 01:47:36,516 --> 01:47:39,610 Yeah. It's the number one mall in Colbert County, 2684 01:47:39,685 --> 01:47:41,676 and it's number 4 in the state, 2685 01:47:41,754 --> 01:47:43,517 So, it's not too bad, you know? 2686 01:47:43,589 --> 01:47:47,958 Uh, I play golf several times a week, you know? 2687 01:47:48,027 --> 01:47:51,019 Uh, but I'll tell you, 2688 01:47:51,097 --> 01:47:54,157 if Howard would have listened to me, 2689 01:47:54,233 --> 01:47:57,862 I'd still be up there in radio. 2690 01:47:57,937 --> 01:48:00,030 Still be doing radio, you know. 2691 01:48:02,141 --> 01:48:03,301 How about that? 2692 01:48:07,013 --> 01:48:09,880 That goddamn motherfucker, you know? 2693 01:48:11,284 --> 01:48:14,048 I tried every fucking thing I could fucking think of 2694 01:48:14,153 --> 01:48:16,451 to mold him into a proper kind of d.j., 2695 01:48:16,522 --> 01:48:19,286 - but that goddamn son of a bitch... 2696 01:48:21,160 --> 01:48:23,594 I'll tell you... Howard Stern, man. 2697 01:48:23,663 --> 01:48:28,566 - That motherfuckin'... 2698 01:48:28,634 --> 01:48:31,933 And I'll say that with no shame either! 2699 01:48:32,004 --> 01:48:34,598 - Man's a... 2700 01:48:34,674 --> 01:48:36,665 Foul-mouthed, immature... 2701 01:48:36,742 --> 01:48:38,607 the man's immature, you know? 2702 01:48:38,678 --> 01:48:42,580 - He's like a... child. 2703 01:48:42,648 --> 01:48:44,081 I'll tell you this much. 2704 01:48:44,150 --> 01:48:47,381 There ain't no God while Howard Stern's walking the earth, 2705 01:48:47,453 --> 01:48:48,579 I'll tell you that. 2706 01:48:48,654 --> 01:48:49,643 I gotta go. 2707 01:48:54,360 --> 01:48:56,590 How about that? Howard Stern, huh? 2708 01:48:58,064 --> 01:49:00,965 Howard Stern can kiss my ass in hell! 198532

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