Original subtitles

RILEY: Brad, I had a real nice time tonight.

You really did?

Good.

Because I was....

I mean, I am also fond of you, too...

BRAD: Riley.

DIRECTOR: Cut. Moving on.

- Clearly, we need to replace him. - Great.

So, when are you gonna tell him?

I'm not gonna tell him, you're gonna tell him.

Wait a second, Mary-Kate. We should be able to do this.

I mean, we've broken up with guys before, right?

Right. So it's basically the same thing.

- Right? - Right.

- Look, Brad. It's over. - What?

Oh, look, it's not you, it's us.

You know, we were looking at where this relationship was going...

and we just can't figure it out.

- Well, was there somebody else? - No, of course not.

It's just you.

You deserve so much better.

Come here. It's okay.

ASHLEY: We'll call you.

So, that went well.

- I miss him. - Me, too.

There's a lot of very important decisions involved in buying a car.

So we have to approach this as mature, responsible adults.

This one goes really fast.

Okay, so what do you think for my vanity plate:

"2 cute" or "Way 2 cute"?

Good morning.

Now, what is this I found taped to my bathroom mirror?

The new Ford Expedition.

So sure I have no clue how it got there.

Consumer Reports rates it quite high in safety...

and safety is very important.

Well, nice job on the research, girls.

- Too bad I'm not looking for a new car. - Oh, Mom, it's not a car.

- It's a sports utility vehicle. - And it'd be for us.

But that's just one of the options we're considering.

But we could downsize.

Okay, tell you what. If you girls get a job...

come up with half the money, I'll come up with the other half.

- Okay. - Really? Thanks.

And don't even think about making the same deal with your father.

- She's good. - Yeah.

Yeah.

[Musical horn playing]

It's okay, Manuelo. Never mind.

Is that okay? How was my timing? Should I do it again?

Here's one.

"Work from home. Excellent phone skills needed."

I'm liking this one.

"Knowledge of Japanese a must."

And moving on.

- Hey, what're you guys doing? - Oh, we're looking for a job.

That's funny. Seriously, what're you doing?

Well, we want to earn some money so we can buy ourselves a car.

Oh, you know what?

I have an uncle who owns a cemetery and he's always looking for gravediggers.

No.

But can we put makeup on the dead guys?

He has a guy.

Why can't we just find a normal high-school job?

Something local. I'm sure there's something in here.

- A little help. Someone, anyone? - Here.

- Heavy. - Let me take that.

- Hi. - Hey, lamb chop.

Is there any chance that you could put these little legs to work...

and get me a muffin?

There any chance you didn't hear that?

You know, don't you just wish that they'd pay us to hang around here all day?

I know.

Chloe.

Well, your résumés are very...

interesting.

Do you like the pink paper and the glitter?

I got that idea from Legally Blonde.

"Malibu Elementary School bake sale, five years.

"Breakfast in bed, parents' 11th anniversary."

- Do you have any real work experience? - Real work experience?

Please. Would we be here if we didn't?

Look under the heading. "Real work experience."

"Daughter's Day at Daddy's job."

You could check, we were there.

Listen, another Starbucks just opened...

and I really need to pick up business around here.

I really need to hire someone who's qualified.

Are you hiring them for the waitressing job?

Not off this.

Well, I think you should. I could train them.

Remake them in the mold of Cammie.

Or we could do it a different way.

It's not like people are banging down the door to work here, Betsy.

Starbucks offers stock options.

All right. I suppose, I could give you two a shot.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I'll get the paperwork. Cammie, you show them around, okay?

- This is gonna be awesome. - No, thank you.

Three best friends working together. What can be better?

Now, there's just one thing you need to remember.

You work for me.

Now, there is a spill at table three, table four needs a cappuccino...

and we're out of paper towels in the bathroom.

What are you waiting for? Move, move. Move.

All right, something just doesn't feel right.

- Before we split up, you hated tennis. - More than anything in life.

And now, you're kicking my butt. Okay.

So, this tennis pro you were obviously dating...

what's his name?

We said we weren't going to talk about what we did while we were separated.

All right, fine, fine.

I'm not going to tell you how I got so good at women's golf.

Okay, how about this?

We'll call someone, next time we'll play doubles.

I mean, we haven't seen any of our married friends in a long time.

You know, it's kind of funny...

how you stop playing doubles when you get separated.

Yeah, let's call someone.

Good. You've been playing tennis.

- Was that young, tanned, buff tennis pro-- - Don't.

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Hey, Manuelo, where's my Palm Pilot?

- I lost it. - What?

But don't worry. I have all the numbers...

right here in the palm pilot that is my brain.

Oh, good. What's the number for the Eagans?

Angela or Mark? They're divorced.

- Okay, the number for the Thompsons? - First wife, second wife or model?

Okay, how about the Foxes, Keatings, Spinellis?

Divorced, rehab, divorced.

Is anyone still together?

Well, you are.

Sort of.

And the Morrisons, who just celebrated an 18-year anniversary...

on a bearskin rug in Lake Tahoe.

Nannies talk.

- Well, the Morrisons. Great. - No, not the Morrisons.

They're so in love with each other, they make me wanna puke.

Says the man working on his marriage.

- What's their number? - Office, beach house or condo?

Wow.

Promise me, you'll use these powers for good instead of evil.

It's too late.

- Scone, muffin, croissant. - Again. Faster, faster.

When you're out on the battlefield, the customer's not going to be so patient.

- Croissant, muffin, scone? - Yes.

Now, get out there, girl, and make me proud.

Hi, welcome to the Newsstand. What can I get for you?

A panettone, please.

You hate when that happens.

Excuse me for a sec.

- What are you doing? - Taking this guy's order.

Bent over like that? Where's your pastry posture?

And is that the Newsstand dip I showed you?

- No. - Excuse me?

No, Cammie.

- Hi, may I take your order? - And dip.

CAMMIE: Spill on table four.

- You do know how to use this thing? - Yes, Cammie, it's a mop.

We have one at home.

- Thank you so much, Manuelo. - It's okay.

Perhaps it's my fault from overprotecting you from the cruel, harsh realities of life.

I hope you guys aren't too disappointed about us not playing tennis today.

These are good. What are they?

The reason we're not playing tennis, dear.

Ted has trouble lifting anything heavier than a fork.

- [Sarcastically] So funny. - You know what? No problem, Ted.

The girls probably would've mopped the court up with us, anyway.

Yeah, it's just nice to see you both again. You know, you two are an inspiration.

Yeah, you know, we're trying to tap into...

some of that Morrison magic, you know.

Get a beat on your secret, for staying together all these years.

I got an apartment downtown.

I don't even know where it is.

Manuelo, it's so great to see you.

- His mini hot dogs are to die for. - Mr. and Mrs. Morrison, hello.

You know that you two are the inspiration...

for the Carlsons trying to get back together?

- Yeah, so we've been told. - So, how long has it been, Manuelo?

You're looking so lean and buff...

and handsome.

[Manuelo gasping]

- Housekeeping looks good on you. - Hello. Sitting right here.

I know. I can hear you chewing, dear.

Ding.

My ovens.

Well....

It is late and I am beat.

Good night.

Serious. It's late and I'm beat.

Barbara, Ted, we've really got to do this again sometime.

- Yeah. - Yeah, okay. Bye.

- Bye, Macy. - Good night.

- Jake. - Hey, hey.

- Tell the nanny to call me. - A whisper, maybe.

- Good night, you guys. Thanks. - Night.

[Both sighing in relief]

- What? - What was that?

I mean, the Morrisons were Malibu's last happy couple.

- Are they gone? - Yes, Manuelo.

I had no idea that Mrs. Morrison had such a wandering eye.

I just hope they don't give up. They should try therapy.

Yeah, you know, take a little time for themselves.

- I'll call Barbara. - Yeah, I'll call Ted.

Oh, now the Carlsons are the experts...

on maintaining a marriage in Malibu.

Hey, it looks like we're the last happy couple.

That's right.

I'll be in the trailer.

- So, how are my little cupcakes doing? - We're fine.

- No, I mean, how are my cupcakes doing? - We're working on them.

So, I've totaled the receipts and there was $30 in the tip jar.

Not bad for a day's work.

Yeah, I think we just bought ourselves a steering wheel.

So, minus $5 for the dishwasher, $10 for the busboys...

divided by three, that's $5 each. Less my 10%.

That's $4.50 each.

Okay, we have got to find a way to make more money around here.

We have to do something special.

I mean, Starbucks has that Christmas Blend.

I'm way ahead of you. Here, try this.

- Why, what'd you do to it? - Just open it.

"Approach everything with an open mind."

- What is this? - It's a fortune. Like in a fortune cookie.

See, I saved a bunch from Mr. Cho's Golden Dragon...

and I decided, bake them into a pastry.

I call them "Fortune Scones." What do you think?

What's next? Mu Shu Muffins?

Chloe, open mind. Think open mind.

- I just wish that you had asked me first. - They didn't clear it with me, either.

I mean, not everyone enjoys finding a piece of paper in their scone.

Nobody likes that.

- Cammie. - Cammie.

That's all I'm saying.

Look, I don't want to discourage initiative...

but I'm the manager here, so I decide when we're trying something new.

- That sounded discouraging, didn't it? - Excuse me, are you the manager?

Yes, and if it's about the stupid fortunes in the scones...

- I'm sorry, and it won't happen again. - Are you crazy?

This thing said fortune would smile upon me...

and last night, I won the lottery. $10,000.

- See? The fortune's come true. - It's probably just a one-time thing.

I bought a fortune scone and it said, "Joy will come into your life."

Meet Joy. We're getting married.

[All gasping]

Where are they? My abuela has come a long way...

to buy one of the magical scones of Malibu.

[Speaking in Spanish]

It's nice to meet you, too.

[Speaking slowly] My name is Chloe.

She's hoping to get a fortune predicting the end of her horrible life...

or if Ricky Martin's going to come back to her favorite soap opera.

- Either one will do. Go, mija. - Chévere.

"May a smile be your umbrella."

I think she wants another one.

I can't believe it.

I mean, people are coming from all over just to get a scone.

I know, we've already made about $40 worth of tips today.

So, about our car. I've been thinking leather upholstery.

For yours, maybe.

I mean, with this much money coming in, I'm thinking convertible.

Mercedes, maybe.

Hey, can you believe this?

"You will be kissed by a stranger from an exotic land."

Ricky Martin!

Girls, I just want to apologize...

if I seemed skeptical about your Fortune Scone idea.

I was a little worried you weren't cut out for the pastry biz.

But thanks to your scone idea, the Starbucks down the street...

had the worst opening week the franchise has ever seen.

They're practically giving lattes away.

So, I wanted to give you both a little bonus.

Do I smell money?

Oh, it's bonus time.

Well, I hope you remember when doling out the cash...

that I provided the creative environment in which this idea took flight.

I trained them, I encouraged them.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is--

- Who stole my fortunes? - You're on your own.

- Can I help you? - Yes.

All these happy, happy fortunes you're stuffing in your scones...

they are mine. I write these myself.

You. You stole my fortunes.

Oh, hi, Mr. Cho.

These are my old family fortunes, copyrighted in Shanghai.

It's true. You can check.

This will be Mr. Cho's Newsstand when my lawyer finishes with you.

No more using my fortunes, or I sue.

And no more free dumplings with to-go orders.

Forget about it.

It's okay. It's okay, and we don't need him...

because we can write our own.

See?

"A sunny day will come your way."

Well, they can't all be winners.

"You will get a visit from a sibling."

I'm an only child.

WOMAN: These fortunes stink.

I'm going to Mr. Cho's for dinner, and then I'm going to Starbucks.

We're really sorry, Betsy.

- Yeah, Riley takes full responsibility. - I'm sorry, Betsy.

Obviously, these two girls weren't ready for a woman's work.

Well, it doesn't look like there's enough business for three waitresses.

So, unfortunately, I'm gonna have to let two of you go.

- It's okay. - We understand.

"Last hired, first fired." Right, Betsy?

What? I didn't make it up.

MACY: Isn't this a great surprise? JAKE: Yeah.

Who doesn't love brunch, huh?

Not quite breakfast, not quite lunch. It's genius.

- You tricked us. - Oh, please.

When was the last time you said no to a meal?

Oh, yeah, and how'd they get you here?

Told you the nanny would be out swimming in a Speedo?

Okay, guys.

We just thought it'd be nice for us all to get together...

and maybe help you work things out.

JAKE: Absolutely.

You know, every time Macy and I hit a rough spot...

we take a deep breath, buy some bagels...

and we talk about our feelings.

- You separated for a year. - Yeah, or we do that.

- The point is, marriage is hard work. - He means that in a good way.

Well, I'm willing to work. Barbara, she just stopped trying.

I have not.

My first priority has always been our marriage.

Now be quiet and let me enjoy my brunch.

- Whoa! Were you gonna have that scone? - There's another one just like it.

TED: Yeah, but that's the one I wanted. JAKE: Okay, okay. No need to argue.

Look, there's plenty of cookies in the pantry.

- Yeah, but she could've asked first, right? - Okay, fine.

- Then, take some. - I will. Fine.

Wait, what's that?

I don't know. It looks like a fortune or something.

Don't say a word.

"Love will keep us together."

Oh, and it's handwritten.

- Oh, Ted, you shouldn't have. - I didn't.

You're so sentimental. This is how he proposed.

We used to always go to the same Chinese restaurant in the city.

And then, one night...

he wrote his own fortune and they baked it inside the cookie.

It was really wonderful.

A long time ago. We were a lot younger and crazy.

I was a lot thinner.

We should make more time for each other. You know what?

From now on, I'm gonna start preparing your meals again.

- Salads? - Yeah.

- I'm really sorry, Barbara. - Honey.

- I love you, Ted. - I love you, too.

Wow. We are good.

I think it was the scone.

- Wow, you are good. - I know.

Well, you know, there's one left. What do you say, you wanna split it?

"Confucius say...

"The greatest gift a parent can give a child...

"is an SUV."

- Nice try. - Hey, it was worth a shot.

Brad, what are you doing here?

Remember our conversation yesterday?

We're moving on.

Oh, you guys were just saying that. You didn't really mean it.

Nothing personal. Don't forget to write.

- That was easy. - Yeah.

Whoever said breaking up was hard to do, never had security.

English - SDH