Original subtitles

[Upbeat instrumental music]

Time's up. Pencils down. Pass your papers forward.

[Students sighing]

- That's the fourth quiz this week. - Thank goodness it's Friday.

I've e-mailed you all a pop quiz over the weekend.

And I expect a complete report...

on all 24 of The Canterbury Tales.

But Miss Westmore, this is geometry.

And for sassing back...

I want a 1,000-word report on the history of sassing back.

[School bell rings]

What is wrong with her?

I haven't seen her this upset since they canceled Murder, She Wrote.

I thought you knew.

Miss Westmore got dumped by her boyfriend.

- Miss Westmore had a boyfriend? - Cyberboyfriend.

They'd been having this Internet romance for the past six months.

And then he breaks up with her two days before he's paroled.

Wait a minute, how do you know all this?

I don't know. Some geek in the AV Club bugged the teachers' lounge.

You bugged the teachers' lounge?

Larry, that's terrible.

Yet fascinating. What else have you found out?

Big secret in the cafeteria.

The beefsteak is neither.

[Upbeat pop music]

It's so unfair.

Why should we have to suffer because Miss Westmore got dumped?

I hate The Canterbury Tales.

But it's a classic.

If it's such a classic how come nobody made it into a cartoon?

Because someone in Hollywood would actually have to read it first.

- Good point. - We're done!

- Yes, finally! - Spell check time.

Sorry. You'll have to spell check later.

I have to enter this last box of receipts and then the taxes will finally be done.

I told you I could do it.

Yeah. And it only took you four weeks to learn the program.

But we saved a bundle on accounting fees.

Minus the cost of the program, extra memory, computer lessons.

Plus your time, which you can never get back.

Okay. I get it!

Next year will be better.

Okay, what is this receipt?

I do not remember getting a full body wax at The Tokyo Spa.

Mom, I hope you know what you're doing. The IRS is very strict.

Yeah, there's nothing worse than getting a visit from the taxman.

Howdy.

I stand corrected.

Riley, this is not a good time for Larry.

Larry, you can't be here now.

Exactly. That's why I came over.

Behold the Anti-Larry Kit.

Just the thing you need to keep me away from you.

You came here to give me something to keep you from coming here?

Bingo!

- It has pepper spray-- - Hold it!

Back away from the briefcase. Give me that.

Don't want you spraying yourself, careening around the room...

knocking over everything, including my computer...

and scattering all the receipts.

I would never do anything like that.

Obviously, he didn't see last week's episode.

Larry, you have to go now.

Mrs. C., you seem a little stressed.

Yes, and do you know what would de-stress me?

Sure do. To relieve the tension, you've got to get the blood flowing.

- Larry, please. - For that, you wear these neck magnets.

Magnets?

COMPUTER: Hard drive deleted.

[Macy gasps]

- My taxes! - Our project!

[Theme song plays]

[Upbeat pop music]

Hi. Takeout order for Carlson?

- The scrod looks good. - Too salty.

Yeah. I'm a scallop man myself--

Look, sir, I'm trying to enjoy my lousy dinner.

Please don't make me use my Taser.

All right. Didn't mean to disturb you.

Hey, let me know if I'm reading too loudly.

I'm sorry.

You're reading The Canterbury Tales?

Yeah, trying to help my kids with their homework.

Another crazy assignment from their spinster teacher.

What do they call her?

"Wicked Witch of the Westmore"?

Yeah! That's it.

You're Miss Westmore?

Yes.

And you're Chloe and Riley's dad.

And they love you. They cannot stop raving about you.

One bachelor's special:

Single serving of bread and iced tea for one.

Right. Thank you.

My wife and I separated six months ago.

I know. I gave the girls a "C" on their touching essay about it.

Oh! Come on. My favorite shirt.

Wait. I have something better.

- Is that a Wipe Wizard? - The one and only.

I saw the infomercial.

Can you believe they waxed an entire battleship with one cloth?

Usually when a lady rubs my chest like this, I invite her to dinner.

I'd be delighted.

Okay. Sure. Why not?

[Upbeat pop music]

Everything gone! Deleted!

I can't do my tax returns in two days.

I can't even file for an extension in two days.

At least you got rid of Larry.

[Knocking on door]

LARRY: Hey! It's Larry. I brought my dad.

Good! I have got a thing or two to say to Mr. Slotnick.

Are you sure?

This is the man whose loins of the fruit sprung Larry.

This is the actual block from whence the Larry chip fell.

This is the branch where the funky apple--

Just get the door.

Nothing good can come from this. I am petrified of this man.

You could be letting in Satan!

This could be El grande Diablo of all time!

[Soft voice] Hello. Welcome to our home.

Mr. Slotnick--

Roger, please. I'm here to apologize for my son.

Larry, sit down and don't touch anything.

- How did you do that? - Years of practice.

Now, I'd like to pay for whatever it is that Larry's damaged.

Are we talking about a smashed priceless heirloom...

a shaved pet, or a traumatized relative?

I wish it were that easy. But he destroyed my tax returns.

I can take care of that. I'm an accountant.

Please. You've been so understanding.

Yeah, it's true you have been a trooper.

Like the one time that I broke your picture window.

- That was you? - No.

Please. I insist. Let me do your taxes. It's the least I can do.

How about if I come by tomorrow, around 6:00?

Yeah. That'll be fine. I'll fix dinner. It's the least I can do.

Dinner will be great.

Larry, up. Out.

Wow! Hard to believe that's Larry's dad.

He's a charming dude. I don't know what you were so worried about.

[Upbeat pop music]

We don't have our reports!

We'll be in so much trouble even our children's children...

will have detention.

I know. And after another lonely weekend...

Hurricane Westmore will flunk and destroy every kid in her path.

Here she comes!

Good morning, my Brave New Worlders.

[Whispering] She had her hair done. She's wearing makeup.

And a new dress. I didn't know she owned more than one.

Today's assignment: Pizza party!

What about the assignments that are due today?

[Larry wincing in pain]

She touched me.

I think we've had enough homework and quizzes for a while.

Let's party! Bring it in, boys!

[Pop music playing on stereo]

I don't know what's happened to Miss Westmore...

but I hope it never stops.

Gossip from the teachers' lounge: She got a new boyfriend.

What kind of loser would fall in love with Miss Westmore?

- Jake! - Ellen!

Dad!

[Pop music continues playing]

I was dropping off the girls' lunch. I thought I'd return your Wipe Wizard.

Jake, aren't you the thoughtful one.

And I have something for you.

The Grapes of Wrath. I haven't read this in years.

Steinbeck's heart-rending portrayal of the downtrodden masses still makes me cry.

It's because of this book that I demanded that every worker in our factory...

have a fresh mint on their chair at the end of each day.

That is the power of literature.

Dad. Are you and Miss Westmore dating?

What? No! Damage control.

I ran into her last night and I let it slip that you call her...

the Wicked Witch of the Westmore.

- Dad! - Relax. I fixed everything.

Now if you flunk, I can ground you with a clear conscience. Here you go.

I'm a little creeped out that Dad's friends with our teacher.

Girls, I am giving you both extra credit.

Why?

Just for being you.

On the other hand, this might be really good.

[Upbeat pop music]

That was delicious. You are a wonderful cook.

All I really did was take it out of the bucket.

The missis loved her chicken. She had it with every meal.

But then she went on a crash diet, lost 200 pounds, and dumped me.

Let me show you a picture of her, right here.

That's her.

Oh!

I can see why she wanted to lose weight.

That's the after picture.

Nice muumuu.

Which reminds me, actually. Is my trip to Hawaii deductible?

Because here on line 7A, it says--

Macy, listen, just forget line 7A.

I don't even want to talk about taxes because this has been...

the best date of my entire life.

This isn't a date.

But you did unpack me this great dinner.

Because you were doing my taxes.

You know what? Let's just forget that I said anything.

Let's pretend it never happened...

- and we'll just get right down to business. - Okay.

So all these receipts make sense except for this one.

Who spent $300 on a bellybutton ring?

[Upbeat pop music]

Hey, Mom. How was your date with Larry's dad?

Date? It wasn't a date.

I'll admit he thought so at first. But then I set him straight.

Mom, there's no such thing as setting a Slotnick straight.

You've just got to learn to be as assertive with Larry as I was with his dad.

[Mariachi band playing]

[Band sings about taxes]

You brought a mariachi band to deliver my taxes?

It's the least I could do to make up for our little misunderstanding last night.

Macy, I really am so sorry.

[Band sings an apology]

I'm just really glad we understand each other now.

See how simple that was?

No, I totally understand.

You're not ready. I'm willing to wait for as long as it takes.

Because I love you.

[Band sings declaration of love]

Stop!

Tell me again how simple it is.

Whoever gave him the idea mariachi music was romantic?

By the way, Macy, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

[Band sings a request to use bathroom]

[Upbeat pop music]

Great. After class, you can take them to my locker.

I didn't see you at lunch.

- I was at the luau. - The luau?

Just a little bash the seniors threw for me. They're so sweet.

Muffy and Chad had a fight over who's gonna drive me to school tomorrow.

Since my dad tamed the wild Westmore, I'm the most popular girl in school.

Almost as popular as that double-jointed cheerleader.

Here, Chloe, I baked you those cookies you love.

- They don't have nuts in them, do they? - No, not this batch. I swear.

Good. That makes me happy.

And if I'm happy, my daddy's happy.

And if my daddy's happy, Miss Westmore is happy.

And if Miss Westmore's happy, we're all happy!

Now, who wants to take my class notes?

[Upbeat pop music]

[Mariachi music playing]

Why is there a mariachi band in the living room?

They're paid until 6:00, and they won't go home.

They're a gift from Larry's father.

It seems he likes me even more than Larry likes Riley.

Think you've got problems?

Miss Westmore wants me to meet her parents.

MACY: What? How did that happen?

JAKE: Darned if I know.

I was being nice to her for the sake of the kids...

and now she thinks I'm in love with her.

Come on. You must have done something to lead her on.

No! She rubbed my chest and we had dinner.

[Band members singing]

Shut up!

I can't live like this.

Hey, I got it!

I'm going to introduce Roger to Tedi.

- But why? - Because she's a supermodel...

and once he meets her, he'll forget all about me.

- That's not true. - Yes, it is.

When I'm with Tedi, I'm invisible.

I am "Who's that with Tedi? Oh, nobody."

I find that hard to believe.

It's true, and I am going to take advantage of it.

I am going to embrace the fact that men don't care about what's inside...

or what kind of person you are. All they want is the package.

They want Tedi because she's young, she's beautiful, and she's thin...

and she's had 10 less years of gravity to contend with.

[Answering machine beeps]

Listen, you skinny witch, it's not my fault I'm not you. So you better help me.

That might not have been the best way to ask her.

Don't worry, she gets 10 messages a day like that.

Don't worry, she'll help you.

If I could find a good-looking, single man to introduce to Miss Westmore.

[Upbeat pop music]

JAKE: So, tonight's the night. MACY: Yup.

- Tedi on board? - Due any minute.

Does Miss Westmore know you're going to dump her?

I've been dropping hints all week. I think she knows what's coming.

- There you are. We've been waiting. - We?

I brought my parents. They're over at the table.

Your parents?

- But those are.... - Their ashes.

They passed away in '92.

They always dreamed of this moment.

I didn't want them to miss it just because they were dead.

Enjoy your meal.

Reporting for duty. Where's the target?

Not here yet. Thanks for helping me out.

By the way, I'm sorry about that message.

There he is. We've got male.

Let's rock.

Sir, if you take any kind of heart pills, you might want to pop one now.

Macy, you look beautiful as always.

Thank you, Roger. I actually want you to meet a friend of mine, Tedi.

Hi, there, big boy.

Tell me something. Do you think this dress is too revealing?

[Gasping]

I really hadn't noticed...

but I can get you some appetizers before you blow away.

I get it. He's a gay, blind man. That's a good one.

What? You think because he likes me better than you...

that he has to be gay or blind?

No, I'm saying he's gay and blind. How else can you explain it?

- Maybe you're not his type. - Yeah, right.

Okay, I'm pulling out all the stops.

Okay, all right. I hope you don't have a cold or anything.

White wine all right, Macy?

- Yeah. - Great.

Oh, my God! It's over. I'm washed-up.

You never think it's gonna happen to you.

And then one day you wake up and bam, you're 22!

It's over. I'm hideous!

- How's it going? - Not good.

He still likes me better than Tedi.

Then he's either gay or blind.

Why is it so surprising that he would like me better?

Is it really so amazing that there's one person in the world...

that finds me more attractive than a stick figure in a Wonderbra?

I don't think she was wearing a bra.

Who asked you?

You don't have to bite my head off. I've got my own problems.

I can't break up with her in front of her parents. It'll kill them.

- They're already dead! - I know.

- This is just much harder than I thought. - Tell me about it.

Roger is so smitten with me, even a supermodel can't sway him.

But I don't want to hurt his feelings. He is sweet.

- And he does have good taste. - Ellen, too.

Poor kid. I'm not an easy guy to get over.

- Of course they'll be devastated. - Shattered.

Yeah. But we have got to cut them...

loose.

I feel so used.

What are you laughing at? You got dumped, too.

Yeah, because I'm too skinny. What's your excuse?

[Upbeat pop music]

Why?

Why did this have to happen?

That could have been me.

I said seedless!

[Upbeat pop music]

English - SDH