Original subtitles

Hey, Riley, Blur is in concert this Saturday night.

Maybe we should try to get tickets.

Chloe, I don't even know if I'm going to make it to Saturday night.

- What's the matter with you? - What's the matter with me?

How about the 15 hours of community service...

we have to do this week?

Ugh!

Ugh?

You lucked out.

You get to spend 15 hours playing bingo with some senior citizen.

I've been assigned a half mile of the Pacific Coast Highway...

to pick up trash and litter.

Fresh air, exercise.

You get to work on your tan. I mean, what's the big deal?

LARRY: Hey, Riley, you ready to keep America clean?

That is the big deal.

Hey, I want you to come see something.

Oh, great. You finally figured out what I'm wearing in the Toronto Fashion Show?

Oh, who cares about the stupid fashion show? It's only Canada.

Look at this.

"Hi, are you the same Macy Ingledow who went to Fresno High...

"and was voted class clown in 1985?"

"Ingledow? Class clown?"

Oh, it's my maiden name. And people in Fresno aren't very funny.

So, who's this guy, Wayne Jennings?

Wayne Jennings.

Just the most gorgeous guy I've ever, ever met...

who I had this huge crush on in high school...

and back then, he didn't even know I existed.

Of course, I mean, that must've happened to you.

Me? Yeah, right.

Anyway, he is coming to town and he wants to get together.

- Oh, a little rendezvous, huh? - Yeah, I know....

Well, what are you waiting for? Just hit "reply"...

- and type Y-E-S. - Well, Tedi....

- Don't send that. - Oh, you know you want me to.

- No, not really. - Try and stop me.

No! No, I--

COMPUTER: Message sent.

He's got mail.

[Screaming] Hi. Clayton Simms? I'm Chloe Carlson.

We're going to be spending some time together.

Will you stop screaming? I am not deaf.

So, we're gonna take the first hour together...

and I'm gonna read to you.

The Scarlet Letter.

Whoa! I hope my heart can handle all the excitement.

- Can you give me just a second? - Yeah, the bathroom's right down the hall.

- Don't start without me. - Oh, I won't.

Wait a minute. I've been dumped.

Nobody dumps Chloe Carlson.

[Knocking on door]

- Yeah, come on in. It's open. - Hey, Jake.

Whoa, Jake...

your use of color is innovative.

The way you swirl the mustard and the mayonnaise.

You're a regular cold-cut Picasso.

- It's only a sandwich, Ed. - Don't forget the tomato.

Look at this.

I never could get the hang of one of these things.

- Ed, you're a heart surgeon. - Yeah, but I'm with an HMO.

I almost forgot why I came.

Oh, wow. Very impressive. "Separated Guys Of Malibu Helpline."

Put it by your phone, Jake.

As a newly separated guy, you never know when you're going to need to reach out...

and make that emotional 911.

Yeah, thanks, Ed, but I hardly think I'm going to need to call you.

Yeah, that's what I thought until I found a pair of...

men's boxer shorts at my separated wife's house.

Oh, man! She left them right out in the open?

No, I had to dig for them.

I found them at the bottom of her sock drawer.

So, you snooped?

You'll learn, Jake. That's what we separated guys do best.

[Laughs]

[Punk rock music playing on radio]

People are such pigs!

I take it you want to return that highway you adopted?

I filled 16 huge trash bags with cigarette butts, candy wrappers...

chicken buckets, tires...

an old smashed up TV...

and an old surfboard with a shark bite through it...

and one book on tape, Growing up Purple, Biography Of Barney The Dinosaur.

Now you know I read that book.

I did not know about the abused childhood...

and the struggle with the weight, and the four marriages.

- Manuelo, I'm not in the mood. - Okay.

[Chloe sighs]

So tell me, how was the first day of the community service?

Let me put it this way.

My senior citizen burned rubber in his wheelchair trying to get away from me.

You know, he's probably in Oxnard by now.

Manuelo, if you were a 78-year-old man...

what would be your idea of fun?

A date with a 65-year-old woman.

[Knocking on door]

Hello! Anybody home?

[Groaning]

COMPUTER: You've got mail.

"Dear Macy, I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to seeing you...

"when I come through L.A. on Friday.

"It's been years since high school, so I guess...

"we have a lot of catching up to do.

"Perhaps even live a moment we could only dream about way back then."

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, hey, Ed, it's Jake. You busy?

You can transplant a heart anytime.

I'm in crisis.

Come on, admit it. Wasn't the Santa Monica Pier fun?

Too hot. Never that hot when I was young.

And this stupid panda bear you won for me is probably flammable.

Made by prison labor in China.

You are such a grouch!

I mean, we spent the whole afternoon together and all you do is complain!

"The beach is too sandy. The sky is too blue. You call that an ocean?

"Now back in the '50s, now that was an ocean!"

- I mean, isn't there anything you like? - Yeah, being left alone.

I'll just sign this stupid assignment card...

say you put in your 15 hours.

- Fine! - Fine!

Wait a minute.

According to this, tomorrow is your birthday.

No, it isn't. It's a typo! Besides, I hate birthdays.

How could you hate birthdays?

You get a cake, party, presents.

Who needs all that stuff? I hate all that stuff.

Now listen, I don't want you to make any big deal over this.

Make a big deal?

Who, me? For a birthday?

Hee, hee, hee.

COMMENTATOR: [On TV]Coming up next...

your very own Los Angeles Dodgers take on the Philadelphia Phillies.

Come on, Riley. There's a highway out there and it's calling your name.

Larry, no!

Forget about it. I'm not going out there!

[National anthem playing on TV]

I refuse to pick up one more discarded Christmas tree or...

somebody's old burning mattress.

- It's hopeless. There's no point. - Hopeless? No point?

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Are you, Riley Carlson, suggesting that our efforts...

to preserve one small corner of this planet are a waste of time?

Where would we be if we all took that selfish attitude...

towards the conservation of this planet?

There'd be no more whales, okay. There'd be no more trees!

Can you imagine this world without the endangered Tibetan Yak tick?

I, for one, will not stand idly by...

as we choke on the smog and we drink the polluted waters...

and we suffocate in our own mounds of garbage and trash.

We're going to march out there together. We will join arms and go out that door...

to keep the Pacific Coast Highway clean.

- Now, are you with me, Riley Carlson? - Yes, Larry, I am with you!

Let's do this! Hasta la vista, garbage!

This is all my fault.

I didn't have to open her e-mail. I didn't have to read it. I snooped.

- I'm paying the price. - A good point.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. How I'm supposed to feel. I mean...

we are separated. She wants to see someone else, it's none of my business.

Another good point.

On the other hand, we are still married. You know, she's got a lot of nerve...

thinking about going on a date. Seeing someone else behind my back.

Yet another good point.

I don't know whether I should confront her with this...

or pretend like I don't know anything about it.

Ed, you came here representing the Separated Guys Of Malibu...

to give me counsel and advice.

What should I do?

Jake, at moments like this, the decision has to come from within.

But I know, no matter what choice you make...

it will be the right one.

Okay, I'm gonna go confront Macy.

[Exclaiming]

Wow! Thanks. That was close.

MACY: Tedi, you've got to stop pacing. It's making me crazy.

I'm making you crazy? You're the one who can't even make up your mind...

whether or not to go out with this guy.

At 4:15, you decide to see Wayne. At 5:20, you're not.

At 6:20, it's on again. At 6:35, it's not!

I love you, Macy, but if I get a worry wrinkle out of this, I'm suing.

Look, I don't like this either, okay. This is not me.

Sitting here, being indecisive, and being advised by you.

I mean, I have no problem making decisions at work.

Okay, you know what? We got to e-mail him back.

No, hold on, Macy. Macy, sit down.

When I was a little girl...

I used to love spending time back in Newark with my Grandma Peggy.

And she used to always say how someday...

she was gonna treat herself...

to a special night...

at the classy Traymore Hotel on the Atlantic City Boardwalk.

But she'd always have some reason not to.

Better things to spend the money on.

Never the right time. Grandpa Eddy's back was out again.

And on a special night, you want that back to work.

Anyway, then one day she opened up the newspaper...

and there's this big picture of the Traymore Hotel...

getting torn down to make way for a casino.

Before she died, my grandma gave me that picture...

to always remind me...

sometimes in life, Macy, you don't get a second chance.

Gosh, you know what? I should just do it! Right?

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Now that we've settled that, what are you going to wear?

I don't know. Any suggestions?

Something hot. Something sexy.

But best of all, something that hasn't even been bought yet.

Oh, I just love spending other people's money. Come on.

Hey, Riley, how is the war against litter?

Manuelo, thanks to Larry, we are winning.

You should have seen him out there.

Removing graffiti, chasing motorists who throw trash out of their cars.

He even made a citizen's arrest.

My only regret is that there are only six more hours...

of community service left to share with Larry.

I will miss our time together.

Are we talking about Larry Slotnick Larry?

Manuelo, the way the sun glistened off the sweat of his brow.

The way his muscles bulged when he attempted to pick up that...

rusted old bathtub someone dumped out there.

He looked liked Leonardo DiCaprio in The Beach...

Matt Damon in All The Pretty Horses...

Heath Ledger in A Knight's Tale.

Now, once again, I must ask...

are we talking about Larry Slotnick Larry?

Manuelo, I need to call him.

I need to hear his voice, listen to his conviction.

His passion for preserving our precious planet.

I am so confused.

Uh-huh.

Well, couldn't you postpone your hip replacement a couple of days?

Okay.

Do you have any messages you'd like to give Mr. Simms on his birthday?

Okay.

"Tell that fool he still owes me $100."

Right, got it.

[Sighing]

Hi, may I speak to Mr. Earl Hollingsworth please?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

When did it happen?

Just now? Reaching for the phone?

This is not going well at all.

Hello?

Hello?

COMPUTER: You've got mail.

9:00, huh? Neptune's Net, huh?

So, that's where they're meeting, huh?

Why do I keep saying "huh"?

LARRY: Riley!

[Crashing]

- You're not gonna believe what happened! - What happened?

You and I were awarded a special citation...

from the West Malibu Chamber of Commerce.

We were? Really?

"For exemplary community service...

"and inspiring others to keep the community clean...

"we, the undersigned, officially proclaim this to be...

"Riley Carlson and Larry Slotnick Day."

Oh, my God. I can't believe it! I'm so proud! I'm so proud.

I didn't do that! I didn't do that! It never happened!

I didn't do that! I didn't do that! It never happened!

I didn't do that! I didn't do that! It never happened!

I didn't do that! I didn't do that! It never happened!

I can't believe it. I mean, this is a disaster.

Here it is Mr. Simms' birthday and I've got zip.

I've got to come up with something special.

Manuelo, if you were a 78-year-old man...

what would be your idea of fun?

A date with a 65-year-old woman.

I wonder if Mr. Simms would like a woman who's just a little younger?

I told you I hate surprises. I don't want a surprise!

Oh, I think you might enjoy this one.

Happy birthday, Mr. Simms.

I can walk! It's a miracle!

Here, knock yourself out.

You like chicken? Grab yourself a wing.

Does Chloe Carlson do birthdays, or what?

[Cell phone ringing]

Hello? Wayne, hi. Where are you?

Oh.

No, no, that's okay.

Hey, if anybody understands that work comes first, it's Macy Ingledow.

Okay. No problem.

Maybe next time. Okay.

Well, you can come out now, Jake. He's not coming.

Wow, so, you knew I was here?

Subtlety and stealth were never your strong points.

Besides, you're only the man that I know who still wears Hai Karate.

Yeah, well, I treated myself to the gift pack.

Aftershave, cologne, soap-on-a-rope. Why am I telling you this?

So, some guy from high school, huh?

- How did you know? - I read your e-mail.

You read my e-mail? You snooped?

I'm sorry, but it's what us separated guys do best.

All I ever wanted was for him to ask me to dance.

No matter how much I feathered my hair...

no matter how high my boots were or how short my skirt was...

do you know he would always walk right past me...

go straight to Maureen Ricupado?

And then there it was, senior dance, and I had my chance.

It was lady's choice. There he was.

All I had to do was walk over and say, "Wayne, would you like to dance?"

And I couldn't.

I guess I just thought tonight I was gonna get my chance.

I'm sorry. No. No, I'm not.

I mean, what if you asked him to dance back then?

Maybe we never would have met or got married...

or be sitting here tonight happily separated.

- You know what I mean? - Funny thing is, Jake, I do.

[Love song playing]

Jake, would you like to dance?

Macy Ingledow, I'd love to.

- Tedi? - Tedi?

Mrs. Simms to you.

- Mrs. Simms? - Hey, a man can dream, can't he?

PRINCIPAL: [Over PA system] This is Principal Singletary.

Before I begin this morning's announcements...

Riley Carlson has a statement of significant importance.

RILEY: I didn't do that! I didn't do that! It never happened! I didn't do that!

Yes, it did! Yes, it did! She kissed me!

She kissed me! I swear, she kissed me!

Wait! What are you doing? Wait. You....

English - SDH