Original subtitles

[Doorbell ringing]

MANNY: Riley? She's not home. I'm going to sign for this.

[From inside box] Help!

I hope this isn't my cousin Fausto.

I can't breathe.

I have been in that thing for four days.

Larry, when you mail yourself to a woman...

you've got to pay for same-day delivery.

I just thought that this would be a great way to invite Riley...

to the Save the Seals Benefit dance.

Larry, can I give you some advice, man to...

Larry?

You're doing this all wrong.

What do you mean?

You're always chasing Riley. You have to learn how to play hard to get.

In my vast experience, I've learned that females...

they want what they can't have.

So, what you're saying is, if I don't mail myself to her...

then she'll mail herself to me?

This is gonna take longer than I thought.

Hey, wow. This is a surprise.

What? I stop by all the time.

No, that you're up before noon.

Sleeping in is but one of the joys of being between careers.

Other joys include reacquainting myself with the classics...

finally taking the time to learn French...

and solving one of the great riddles of life.

The difference between a Ho Ho and a Yodel.

Jake, you think this is funny?

Here you are, one of the best designers in the business...

and you're spending your time sitting in your trailer...

contemplating the difference between snack cakes?

A Ho Ho is cream-filled.

No, that's the Ring Ding.

No, that's the Ding Dong.

No, I take that back. That's a Sno-Ball.

And, Macy, if you were between careers, you'd know that.

Okay. Jake, is there something you wanted?

Yeah. No, I'm just dropping off Chloe's math book. She left it in my trailer.

I grabbed your mail.

Did you open this one?

Yeah, it's addressed to both of us.

Oh, it's an invitation to the Save the Seals Benefit.

Yeah. So, are we gonna go?

Well, even though you open my mail and eat my food...

technically we are not a "we" anymore.

Well, just because we're technically not a "we," can't we still go together?

Well, I don't know. I mean, this sort of thing has never come up before.

If we go together...

people might assume that we are not separated and back together...

even though we are separated, and we're just going together rather than separately.

We need Oprah.

So, what do we do? Go alone? There's gonna be dancing and stuff.

Well, maybe we go with other people.

You mean, like a date?

I don't know if we're ready for that.

- Hi, Riley. - Shh! Hold that thought.

[Whispering] Larry.

That's weird. Is Larry out sick today?

- Hey, Chloe. - Hi, Larry.

Hi, Larry.

Was I just ignored by Larry?

Let's see that again.

- Hey, Chloe. - Hi, Larry.

Hi, Larry.

He did just ignore me.

Okay, so, guess what?

I'm gonna write a dating column for the school newspaper.

Wait a minute. You're gonna write a dating column?

Can you think of anyone else better suited?

Maybe someone who's actually been on a date.

You're one to talk about experience. I mean, you write a sports column.

Well, at least I've been to first base.

I mean, in Little League.

Well, for your information, I'm gonna have a date.

Huh?

Well, you know the Save The Seals dance coming up this Saturday?

- Mom said we can bring dates. - She did?

Never fails. Last born, last to know.

So, who do you think you're gonna bring?

How do I know? I just found out about it.

Well, if you don't have a date, you always have Larry as your fallback guy.

Go to the dance with Larry? Not an option.

I'd rather go with Damien, that goth kid.

Personally, I have a rule against dating guys who wear black lipstick.

If you're interested, I'm gonna go with Travis.

Hey, Travis.

Hey...

you.

Wow, what chemistry.

Don't worry. I'll get him to ask me to the dance.

Yeah, right. How?

Just read my column.

Had to happen sometime.

Mom and Dad were about to dive into the dating pool.

Did I say dive?

It's going to be more like two painful belly flops.

Okay, Manny. You gotta help me.

Now, you know everyone on the beach, right?

So you must have all the dish on the single men.

Okay, how about Tad Harrelson, that attorney three doors down?

Just married.

Bill Ludlow, plastic surgeon?

Engaged to his last tummy tuck.

Fred Carlisle?

- He's now Frieda Carlisle. - No!

And did I tell you? I got a great deal on all his old suits.

JAKE: Thanks for letting me buy you a drink like this.

Um....

Are these yours?

So for those of you who are keeping score, let's recap.

Four Carlsons, zero dates.

Okay, so maybe we're not doing so well.

But it's still early in the game.

The good news is none of us ha ve embarrassed or humiliated ourselves...

yet.

I can't believe you, Riley.

The dance is less than three days away, and you don't have a date.

And you're sitting here eating a tuna salad sandwich.

I'm hungry.

Well, think about this.

You can't have a second date until you have a first date.

And according to Seventeen magazine...

nothing good happens till the third date.

You're gonna be, I mean, so behind the curve.

Listen, I've got better things to do than sit around...

and obsess about this stupid date.

So if you'll excuse me...

I have a very important interview with the new football coach.

Okay, Coach, let me see if I've got this straight.

Everybody on the offensive and defensive squad has a date for the dance?

What about the team mascot?

You mean the kid in the dolphin suit?

He's still in the hospital.

Last week when we played Santa Monica...

their shark kicked him right in the blowhole.

Riley, are you almost finished? I'm double-parked.

I don't believe we've met.

John Lee. New football coach.

Macy Carlson, new football fan.

CHLOE: Mom didn't waste any time.

The next day she was putting on her game face for her tennis date...

with Coach Lee.

For the record, the only thing Mom has ever done in tennis shoes is shop.

Not bad.

Manuelo, that's cold cream.

You know what?

I don't hate it.

Meanwhile, I was about to put my moves on Tra vis.

It's times like this, I need to remember the three S's...

sweet, subtle, and so cute.

- Hi, Travis. - Hi.

What you doing?

Taking a book out of my locker.

Wasn't life science interesting today? How'd you like the filmstrip?

The Armadillo: Nature's Little Tank.

Speaking of endangered species...

have you heard about the Save The Seals Benefit coming up?

Yeah.

Well, actually it's called the Save the Malibu Seals Benefit.

The funny thing about Malibu seals is that the only fish they eat is sushi.

Seals eat fish.

Rich seals eat sushi.

Am I crashing and burning here or what?

So, normally, I go with my parents, but this year we're allowed to bring dates.

So, I'll probably go with a date. I mean, if someone asks me.

Well, not that they wouldn't ask me. Just they have to know that I'm available.

And how about that? FYI, I am.

No kidding.

He's hooked. Now all I gotta do is reel him in.

CHLOE: Meanwhile, over at the trailer park...

Dad had a plan to get his perfect date. But he needed a little help.

Okay, I've been working on my on-line dating profile.

- You wanna hear? - Begin. Go slow.

"Job, none. Home, trailer. Hobbies, reading...

"taking long walks on the beach, and getting to know myself."

That's good. But pathetic.

- But that's who I am. - But that's pathetic.

Well, yeah. I can't just lie.

Okay, step back from the laptop...

and let the master work.

Because when I'm done composing your on-line profile...

you're gonna find that you've got mail.

All right, dating class is in session.

As you all probably know, there are four basic groups on the dating food chain.

First, you've got the cool kids.

That includes Randy, Biff, Lance and Justin.

They all have dates.

Then you've got the jocks.

That includes the football team, the baseball team, the soccer team...

and the lacrosse team.

They all have dates.

Then there are the brains.

That includes the chess club, the computer club...

and the future dot com billionaires of America.

Even they all have dates.

Then that leaves the last group.

Larry.

Class dismissed.

Oh, no! It's Riley.

I've been a voiding her for days, and there she is, standing right in front of me.

I can't hold out any longer. I gotta ask her to the dance.

Larry, are you forgetting what I told you?

- What? What? - Be strong.

You must play hard to get.

Okay. All right. I will.

And zip up your fly.

I got you.

Hi, Larry.

Yeah, hi. Listen.

I read your column, and it was good.

All right, Larry. Go ahead.

If you want to ask me to the Save the Seals Benefit, now's the time.

Actually, I just wanted to compliment you on your column...

which was good.

And as for the dance, I already have a date.

Excuse me.

You have a date?

Yeah. I have a date. I'll see you around.

Larry has a date?

The Sa ve the Seals Benefit is less than 24 hours away...

and my family has totally lost it.

I'm going crazy because Tra vis hasn't called me.

My father's going crazy on the Internet with his new screen name, Hotbod.

Riley's going crazy because she's been shot down by Larry.

And Mom's on the tennis court trying to be one of the Williams sisters.

I think I finally ha ve the topic for my column.

Why do people act crazy when they're dating?

Bye! I had a great time.

Rock climbing? Tomorrow?

Great.

[Sighing]

Manny, we played six sets of tennis...

and then we rented bikes...

because he thought it would be a fun way to get to the softball game.

Are you okay?

[Groaning]

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm dating a jock.

And 'cause if Jake has a date to the dance...

then I have to have a date for the dance.

Even if my date has to carry my ashes there in a gym bag.

- Hey, Manuel. Anything going on? - Not much.

You got a letter there about a renewal to your subscription to Teen People...

and somebody called.

What was his name? I think he was Travis.

- What? Why didn't you tell me? - You have two weeks to renew it.

It would be so uncool to call Travis right back.

You got to make him sweat. You know, keep him hanging for a while.

The last thing you want to do is seem desperate.

Okay, that's long enough.

Hey, this is Tra vis. Lea ve a message.

Hi, Travis, it's me. Call me back.

That was so cool. Casual with just an air of mystery.

Mystery. Oh, no.

I said "me."

How's he gonna know who "me" is? I'll call him back.

Hey, this is Tra vis. Lea ve a message.

Hi, Travis, it's Chloe Carlson. I just called and said it was me.

And I just wanna tell you who the "me" was, and it's me, Chloe. Chloe Carlson.

Anyways, the answer is yes.

I'd love to go to the dance with you on Saturday.

I've gotta go figure out what I'm gonna wear.

He didn't even ask me.

Oh, my God! I gotta call him back.

Hey, this is Tra vis. Lea ve a message.

Hi, Travis, it's me again, Chloe Carlson.

I just called, like, a second ago...

and I said yes, that I'd love to go to the dance with you...

but I realized that you never asked me to the dance.

So, if you were calling to ask me, then the answer....

[Answering machine beeping]

Oh, no.

Hey, this is Tra vis. Lea ve a message.

Hi, it's me again. I just wanted to say that--

TRAVIS: Chloe?

Travis. You're home.

Chloe, please don't call me anymore.

After I struck out with Tra vis...

Dad was getting ready to meet his first Internet date.

[Doorbell ringing]

[You Make Me Love You More by Don Phillips playing on stereo]

Hi, Jake Carlson?

Whoa.

I'm Cheryl.

I'm delighted to meet you.

We came all this way for some loser in a trailer?

Stop it. Very rude. Every time I go out on a date, you do this.

No, I don't.

Hi, Larry.

I'm surprised you're not out renting your tuxedo for the dance.

Look, about that. I have been living a lie.

I don't have a date, okay? I just wanted to play hard to get.

Can you ever forgive me? Because all I ever wanted to do was go with you.

Will you go to the dance with me?

CHLOE: History was about to be made.

Riley was gonna say yes to Larry.

There would ha ve been at least one happy ending...

if only Larry had stopped there.

I've already got my tuxedo rented.

Wait till you see the cummerbund. It's glow-in-the-dark.

And my uncle, he's gonna be taking us to the dance in his cesspool-pump truck.

But you know, don't worry about the smell...

because after a while, you're gonna get used to it.

And here's the really good news. I've been taking some dance lessons.

See? Look.

So, what Riley realized was that ha ving no date at all...

was far better than ha ving any date with Larry.

So, the night of the big dance finally arrived.

And where could you find us Carlsons?

Hit me again, Joe.

That's your eighth oyster shooter, Mr. Carlson.

You know, they're not in season. You sure you know what you're doing?

That's all right. I've got a designated doctor.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I thought you were going to the dance.

I figured I'd just rather spend the night playing oyster roulette.

Yeah, it's not like we couldn't find dates. We had guys lined up for days.

Yeah, that's our story and we're sticking to it.

[Sighing painfully]

Jake. Hey, I didn't expect to see you here.

To be honest with you, I'm kind of surprised to see you.

Well, I had a date, I just.... You know, something came up at the last minute.

That's too bad.

[Exclaiming in pain]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, God. Who am I trying to kid?

I'm lucky I can walk. I was dating a jock.

Don't feel bad. Come here. I almost dated a sock.

Thank you.

- Okay? - Okay.

So, you come here often?

I hope you didn't use that line to try to get a date.

- No, I didn't get that far. - Yeah, me, neither.

You know what?

I guess I didn't want to.

Yeah, I guess I didn't, either.

Hey, you know, if we're gonna be alone tonight...

we might as well be alone together.

Well, you know that invitation was addressed to both of us.

Yeah, but what are we gonna do for dates?

Well, I think I know where you can find yourself a couple of hot babes.

English - SDH