All language subtitles for MV5BZG90E1NjI5NW

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ANNOUNCER : Ladies
and gentlemen, Ralphie May.

Right on.

-My goodness.

This is awesome.

Thank you so much for coming.

Now that you've had
a good look at me,

do you, anybody think
maybe if Chaz Bono knew

if she was going
to-- turn into a dude

that she was going
to look like me,

you think that bitch would
have gone through with it?

She would have been
like, I wanted Brad Pitt.

And you gave me Ralphie
May, you sons of bitches.

If I was that
broad I'd sue, sue!

Dude, broad, I don't know.

I don't know.

God bless her-- him.

I don't-- it's-- it's
confusing man, I know.

I have noticed I've been
getting a lot of free drinks

from lesbians though, so
it's got its ups, you know?

Kick ass.

Let me tell you
about me I guess.

I'm married.

I uh-- sorry girls, pack up your
vagina's and hit the bricks.

Sorry ladies, I'm a kept man.

I uh, I got a beautiful wife.

Uh, I married a Jew
broad six years ago.

And uh, and we've
made some Jews.

I'm doing the work
of Christ over here.

Somebody's got to make Jews.

You know?

Somebody's got to.

It's a tough recession, folks.

Who do you want
doing your taxes?

You want a Jew, right?

Yes, you do.

(SINGING TO MELODY
OF HAVA NAGILA)

I want a good Jew to do my
taxes to lower my tax profile.

Put it in a separate-- put
it in a separate tax deferred

till I'm 65.

It sounds different in Hebrew.

But those are the real words.

The babies are terrific.

We have two beautiful children.

We have a
four-year-old daughter.

She just turned four.

Her name is April June May.

She's a peach.

Try to forget it, bet you can't.

And we have a two-year-old
son named August.

And August, may,
yeah, he's awesome.

I'm teaching them how to cuss.

They're doing a
really good job at it.

They already cuss better
than most immigrants.

I'm proud of them.

My daughter heard a cabby in
New York last month talking.

And he was cussing at
another cab--cabby for eating

during Ramadan during the day.

And uh, you know, shocker.

Uh, and uh-- And uh--
and she's like, daddy,

what the hell did he just say?

And I'm like, I don't
know, foreigners, whatever.

All right I had uh--

My son, his favorite
curse word is

uh-- this is the only time
I'm going to get bleeped,

OK-- is fuck it.

Um, in public but taught him
just to curb it and say F it.

So uh, he goes,
F it, F it, F it.

And it makes him an
amazingly easy baby, OK?

It's like, August, what
do you want for lunch?

F it!

All right, like a
sandwich or something?

Yeah, F it daddy, F it.

Sandwich it is, good kid.

I get in trouble because I'm
teaching the kids to curse.

And the wife, she
doesn't care for it.

And I get-- I'm wearing a
jacket, long sleeved tonight.

But on the back of my
arm are all these bruises

where my wife will
pinch me in my fat meat

while i'm driving
because I did something.

And then-- and man,
that hurts so much.

Oh my god, it's
incredibly painful.

We were stuck in traffic.

And my daughter,
April, was like, daddy,

what's up with
these F

And I'm, ow, ow, it's a
legitimate question, Jesus.

Honey, they're just
driving retarded, OK?

All right?

And ow, ow, OK, Jesus.

And then that's
when my son, August,

is like, tard, tard,
tard, tard, tard, tard.

Ugh.

And we were on the
way to the mall, OK,

my wife really loves
this mall in Los Angeles.

It's right across the street
from Beverly Hills, The Century

City mall, OK?

All right, she loves it.

Nothing there fits
me except for socks.

Socks and cologne,
that's all that fits me.

Uh, so that's all I
buy when I go there.

We have a double stroller.

And people always ask
if our babies are twins.

They're Irish twins.

They're only 14 months apart.

But uh, August is
big for his age.

And April's little for hers.

So they really do
look like twins.

And so we had the
cart, the stroller.

And we're on the elevator
going up into Bloomingdale's.

My wife is right beside me.

And we go up one level.

And two smoking hot women
get on the elevator.

They turned out
to be contestants

on America's Next Top Model.

And these bitches were fine.

Like, oh my god, hot.

Like, incredibly,
like, amazingly hot.

Like so hot I was
stunned, honest.

Like if my-- fellas, you ever
be out with your, uh, girl

and she asks you a
weak woman question

because she's feeling vulnerable
or insecure like you know,

do you think those
girls are hot?

And you're like, those
girls with big-ass racks

and nice a-- no, baby, no.

If my wife had
asked me a question

like that I would have
had to tell her the truth.

Are you kidding me?

I'll bang both them in
the front of your family,

OK, are you serious?

I would-- I would stack
both those bitches

on top of your
mama's coffee table

that she don't even let me
put my glass on or my feet on.

I would stack them on top
of each other like cordwood.

And I would low and
then high, Low, high.

Are you kidding me?

Fine.

And to boot, they
were so incredibly hot

and dressed total skanky.

It was awesome.

Like, they were both wearing
these black leggings,

like super tight, like, I
guess workout kind of clothes.

But you could see through them.

So they're like, extra skanky,
all right, and super tight.

And you know, everywhere
else in the country,

when women wear black leggings
they wear a long blouse

to cover up all their
business so they're

comfortable and sexy at the
same time while remaining classy

and not showing their
business, all right?

Not these dirty
bitches, OK, all right?

They

All right?

And the first one came
in and had her G-string

up over her hips.

Really bitch?

Take a break, OK, come on.

Now I got to walk around the
mall with half a boner all day

long because you
can't get it together?

Let's go.

At least that one
was wearing panties.

The next one, hello
Ms. Camel toe.

OK, um-- I mean, it was a super
fat monkey, like oh my god.

It was out of place, just
a big old chunky monkey.

It was weird.

Because it was like, hip
bones and then indention.

And then it was as if you cut
a Nerf football from pointy end

to pointy end and put half of
that right there in the middle.

It was all-- foopa.

You know?

I mean, it was just 'gina.

And it was incredible.

I mean, fellas, you know howl
normal camel toe is like,

leg crease, center
crease, leg crease?

Not this one.

It had like, five creases.

It was incredible.

And it was breathing.

It was either that or it
was eating up them panties.

I don't know what it was doing.

But it was-- oh my god.

And I realized the
danger financially,

that these women
posed to my marriage.

So like a smart
husband, I turned,

still holding the
stroller and looked

my wife right in her eyes.

Cherish
the love we have,

we should cherish the love.

Now, out of the
corner of my eye,

I see my son's,
August, hands going up.

His big-ass gorilla arm.

And I'm not going to lie to you.

I could have stopped him.

But you can't c-block your
own son, you know what I mean?

That's against the rules.

You can't lay that down.

So I wanted to see if
he took to it natural.

And uh, he did, he did.

He missed her thigh.

He missed everything.

And he grabbed a hold of that
monkey and-- and pulled down,

pulled down like he
was picking a peach.

And uh-- and she screamed
and slapped his hand away.

And me, even though I
saw the whole thing out

of the corner of my eye, I
acted like I didn't know.

Like, oh my god,
what's going on?

Are you OK?

Um, your son just touched
me very inappropriately.

And I'm like, I'm
sorry, he's two.

That's kind of what
they do, you know?

What happened?

Did you get your
spring good early?

I'm sorry.

And uh, she goes,
ugh, you know, maybe

if you'd been a better
parent maybe that

wouldn't have happened.

Oh, OK, I guess that's
one way to look at it.

Or um, maybe you w--wouldn't
have been wagging that fat

monkey in his face that
wouldn't have happened either.

You think about that?

Maybe he was just
checking to see here

if your diaper was
full or not, you know?

Maybe-- maybe you were smuggling
Hot Wheels cars or something.

He didn't know.

And by the way, ma'am,
I think it's hilarious

that from the waist
up you're bulimic.

But you can't get that 'gina
to vomit, can you bitch?

Ahh.

That fat monkey.

All right and my
wife is pinching me.

I'm like, ow, ow, ow.

And she's mentioned
to me about being fat.

And I'm like, yes, I'm fat.

But notice loose
clothing, loose.

You got that thing
in a strangle hold.

Let it breath, let it breath.

It's down there like a catfish
been out of water too long,

just-- let it breath.

The door opened.

And they're shooting
something for this TV

that they're on, OK?

And so the whole crew's there.

And the camera's there.

And they get off, storm off.

And I'm like, I hope that
bitch with the bad attitude

and the fat monkey loses. loses!

Doors close, awesome.

See, I was hoping that
would be my wife's reaction.

But yet, it was not.

Um-- my wife's reaction was,
oh my god, I can't believe you

just did that, OK?

You just called a
girl and told her

she had a fat
monkey, monkey, OK?

Oh my god.

This the most
embarrassed-- see, this

is why don't normally like
to take you out anywhere.

Because you just can't shut up.

And I'm like, I
know, but she did

did have a g-normous monkey.

I mean, you can't deny
it. can't deny it.

Uh, how I the fact that you're
raising a daughter as well.

And I'm like, well, she
don't have a fat monkey.

And you don't have a fat monkey.

And I know fat monkeys
don't run in my family.

So where's she going
to get it from?

Well, you're going to
explain to your son

proper touch and
inappropriate touch, OK?

Mm-hmm, as soon as we get
out of this goddamn elevator,

I swear to God.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

And so we get out.

And I turn the stroller around.

And I'm looking down
at my beautiful son,

at his big brown eyes.

And I'm like

Yes daddy?

Son, you can't touch anyone
in their peepees, OK?

The peepee's a naughty spot, OK?

That's a naught spot, OK?

You can't touch anyone
in your naughty spot.

No one can touch you
in your naught spot.

You can't touch anyone
in their naughty spot,

even if it's a big, fat naughty
spot like that bitch had, OK?

And he goes, OK daddy.

I'm sorry.

Aw,
don't be too sorry.

Yes, I'm a filthy
animal, yes, I am, sorry.

I uh-- what if he
needed a baby wipe?

That's all I'm saying, OK?

I think I did it right.

My favorite part
about being home--

and I don't get to get home
that very much, you know?

We have two houses.

We have one in Nashville and
another one in Los Angeles.

And even though I have two
homes, for the first seven

months of this year I was
only in my bed 22 nights.

And it's hard, you know?

But we've all got
our cross to bear.

You know, I'm not tarring
roofs or changing transmissions

or working on a
line you know, but I

don't get to see my babies
as much as I want to.

And when I'm at home
that's my favorite part,

is sleeping in the bed.

Because I'm the lowest
point in the bed.

And everybody falls to me.

And it is awesome.

I'm a great person
to sleep with.

I really am.

I'm comfortable.

I'm cozy.

I'm warm, no sharp edges.

Um, uh, I don't snore.

Occasionally I'll
let some gas fly.

But hey, come on, who doesn't?

Let's all be there, all right?

I stay on my part
of the bed, OK?

You get half.

I got half.

All right, no
worries, all right?

Even though my half is fully
taken uh, OK, and yours isn't.

But I'm a great
person to sleep with.

This happened a year ago.

August wasn't in
his big-boy bed yet.

He was still in his crib.

And um, my wife
and I fell asleep.

And April snuck
into bed with us.

And we woke up at like,
6:45 in the morning

with her screaming her
head off, ow! ow! ow!

And as a-- a parent,
you know, you

have those-- you're
like, oh my god, OK.

You know?

And for me, you know,
I have nightmares

where I'm squishing
my babies, OK?

You know, like they got in bed
and I squished, license right,

and the screaming, I'm
like, oh my god, OK.

All right?

Even though I never--
I never squish them.

But you know, it's like,
the danger's always there,

you know what I mean?

I was like, oh my god.

And I tried to move the
pillow off her head.

And she's like, ow!

Ow!
Ow!

Ow!

Ow!
Ow!

Ow!

Like, it's even worse.

And my wife is like, oh
my god, what's going on?

And I'm like, Lana,
go start the shower.

She's like, why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Go start the goddamn shower now.

Why?

Why?

I--I want to-- ladies, do you
know how infuriating this is,

to ask why, OK?

I'm your husband.

I'm talking to you in an
emergency tone of voice.

That means act.

Don't ask why, just act, OK?

Act.

Don't ask why, go.

Do it..

I want to know, how many
people die each year

because she had to know why?

Why?

Why?

Tornado.

Why?

Why?

Boom, bus.

Why?

Why?

Ahhhh!

All right?

Why?

And I'm like, really?

Why?

OK, uh, remember
last night's fun

and how we lost
something off the towel

and we figured we'd
just change the sheets?

Well, April found it.

And it stuck her
to the pillow, OK?

So why don't you go
start the goddamn shower

so we can unstick our baby's
head from this pillow, OK?

And she was mad as
a hornet's nest man.

She's stomping in there,
dirty son of a bitch,

dropping loads
every w-- asshole.

All right?

And I'm like Jew, you could
have swallowed anytime, anytime!

We got-- we uh--

We call this Operation
No More Tears.

If this ever happens to you,
uh, here's what we recommend.

Remove the pillow
from the pillowcase.

Take your baby
with the pillowcase

in place to the shower.

And then wash her
hair nine times.

And hopefully, when
she's in her mid '20s

she won't remember this.

And uh, thus the reason
we call it No More Tears.

I mean, it'd make you
cry if you remembered

getting your head
stuck to a pillow

by your prospective
brothers or sisters.

I wish this was just jokes.

I know, I know.

None of these stories make me
look good, not one of them.

Had a rare couple
of days off in Los

Angeles a couple months ago.

And uh, for me, staying in
my house is vacation time.

My wife wanted to go to Mexico.

And my argument was, hey,
we're already in Los Angeles.

Why go to Mexico?

We're here.

And she goes, this
is not Mexico.

And I'm like, really?

I open my door.

We're up in the
Hollywood Hills, OK?

There's hardly
anybody around us.

All right, And we're
at the top of a canyon.

And I yell out, Como Esta's!

Bien.

Is this Mexico enough for you?

Asking me to go on vacation
on a couple of days

off is like asking a mailman
to take a walk after his shift,

you know what I mean?

It's kind of a dickey
thing to do, you know?

Just

And I picked up a TV show.

And we filmed late.

And I didn't get into
bed till like 3:30, 4:00.

And the next
morning at 8 o'clock

my wife wakes me up to
tell me I could sleep in.

And I'm like, I was doing
that, you know that right?

I was already ahead of you.

I was doing that very thing.

And she's like, no, I want you
to know where we're going, OK?

And what's going on.

And I'm like, all right, OK,
all right, what's going on?

Well, Kelly and I-- that's her
Thelma and Louise girlfriend.

Every girl's got one, that
they go off and do things

with and get into
hi

And--and uh, whether it's
yard-saleing to shopping, uh,

going to male revues, going
to bars and having cocktails

and getting guys to hit on them
like they're still single, OK?

Every girl's got a Thelma
and Louise girlfriend, OK?

All right?

And my wife's is Kelly.

And Kelly's awesome.

Her husband's great.

All right, I love them both.

All right?

They're wonderful people.

I don't mind them, OK?

I'm not jealous of my
wife's friends, OK?

So I was like, great,
that sounds awesome.

What are y'all going to do?

We're going on a 10-mile hike.

And I'm like, what?

10 miles?

Oh yeah, y'all raising money
for cancer or something?

10 mile-- OK, that does not
sound like fun to me, OK?

All right?

If I'm-- if I'm going on a
10-mile hike somebody's life is

on the line, OK?

Somebody close, close.

Not just periphery friends, OK?

I mean, like close family.

Not even some of them, OK?

I uh-- if I'm walking 10 mil--
either that or I'm being chased

by a very slow
monster, you know?

Ah!

Ah!

OK, so-- and she says
she's taking the babies.

And Kelly's taking her dog.

And--and I remember Kelly's
dog is an English bulldog, OK?

We have an English bulldog.

They're great dogs, OK?

But they're not the most
healthy and fit animals, OK?

They really aren't, OK?

You got to give
them a lot of TLC.

And they're cantankerous, OK?

All right?

We have an English
bulldog, all right?

And I told my wife-- and
her name's Hoochie Mama,

by the way.

And Hoochie Mama is
a super fat bitch.

She is 58 pounds and three
inches off the ground, OK?

That dog is an ottoman, OK?

Just walking around.

Hello daddy.

I've seen that fat
bitch get winded eating.

She goes .

Hilarious dog, OK?

But not the most
physically in shape, OK?

Basically what I'm saying, if
you're going to English bulldog

on a 10-mile hike, you're
going to be dragging

a rock for 9 and 1/2 miles, OK?

I said, y'all better
put that dog up

in the stroller
with them babies.

OK?

And she's like,
no, we'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

Whatever.

I

Stay in your house, enjoy
your Weeds or something.

OK, that sounds great.

I'll be back about 6
o'clock, no problem.

So I'll lay back down.

I try to go back to sleep.

I can't go back to sleep.

I'm exhausted but I'm like,
you know, I'm going to get up.

I'm going to watch uh,
watch the basketball game.

I haven't done that.

Let's--Let's do that.

Let's do that.

So I go uh-- I go downstairs.

And I'm like, I got the
whole house to myself.

This is awesome.

OK?

I never have it to myself.

Uh, there's always
other people here.

And uh, it's all mine.

This is awesome.

So I'm like, I'm going
to wake and bake.

I haven't done this in forever.

OK?

I know, I know.

It's legal in California.

And--and I've dialed
it back as is.

But man, I had this one shot.

So let's do this, right?

Uh, I get the bowl
of Cheerios, OK?

It used to be my--my cereal
preference used to be Captain

Crunch.

But I can't eat that
when I'm smoking weed.

It cuts your mouth all to hell.

All right?

And--

I needed a concave
cereal, you feel me?

All right, something
not as sharp.

OK.

And uh-- and then I get
the--the bong of death out.

It's a triple diffuser,
24-inch gravity

bong with a three-gram bowl.

Yeah, I got enough
to get it done.

I made the Cuban Sandwich.

I put in there uh,
the uh, uh, gram

of weed then a gram of hash
and then a gram of weed

on top of it.

Yeah, I had enough to
get it done, trust me.

Trust me.

OK?

And make the-- make the cereal
up, get a little juicy poo.

And I take it all out
onto my back deck,

overlooks the canyon.

It's beautiful.

I never smoke weed in my house.

I believe in Jesus.

And uh-- my wife
hates that joke.

Jews, ah!

Right?

So funny.

So--

We uh-- I'm down there.

I'm eating a bowl,
hitting a bowl.

Then a little juicy poo, OK?

Hmm, da da, da da.

It's like, I got a whole
day to myself, no problem.

I get done 45 minutes later.

I stand up.

I almost have to
sit down beacuse

I'm stoned like
a biblical whore.

OK, I'm like-- I forgot how
good this weed was, Jesus.

And I am, right now, probably
one of the stonededest guys I

uh, I've ever been, OK?

This is like a stoneded-- yes,
that is the new superlative.

Stondedest, OK, I've ever been.

And I uh, I got down there.

And uh, even stoned as I was,
OK, I could barely comprehend.

Like, my whole body felt like
uh, like it'd been asleep.

Like you ever like, stand up
after you've been on the toilet

too long, all right, and
your legs are asleep?

OK?

I felt that from
the neck down, OK?

I'm like--

And uh, even though
I'm that stoned,

I'm hearing my wife in my head.

If you have dishes
that can go in the sink

they can go in the dishwasher.

All right, she's not even there.

And I'm like, yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Yes ma'am.

Put my dishes away.

I put the bong back up.

I go turn on the TV.

And Charles Barkley's
doing commentary.

And Charles Barkley
kind of freaks me out

when I'm high, OK?

Like, I love the way he talks.

But i--it's hypnotic and
mesmerizing while disturbing

a little bit at the
same time and scary.

And it's like,
winning a championship

with penetration, you
got have penetration

when you're going to
win a championship.

That's what they're
doing right now.

Uh, look, see if you
see he's

driving the lane,
getting deep penetration.

That's what he's doing right
now, getting that penetration.

That's what's
happening right now.

That's key to winning
a championship,

getting that penetration.
Get easy points in the paint.

All right?

Now my head, I'm hearing

the key to winning a
championship is penetration.

When you get to
the championship.

Like out of nowhere, they're
turning it off or up, OK?

I didn't know.

And that's when the
door flies open.

And my wife is standing
there, going, oh my god,

Kelly's dog just had a
heart attack, all right?

And I'm like, noooo!

And she's like,
watch these kids.

Oh my god, are you stoned?

Like a gravel road,
bitch, like a gravel road.

My wife is pissed.

She's like, well, get
it together fat ass.

And slammed the door.

Now, this the first
time I've ever

been high anywhere near my kids.

And this is freaking me out man.

I'm looking down at these
two beautiful angels.

And I'm like, oh, no.

And I figure that the best
defense is a good offense.

So I'm like, OK babies, um,
what do y'all want to do?

And my daughter, April's, a
little bit of a TV junkie.

So she's like, daddy,
it might be nice

if we watched some cartoons
or something, I don't know.

And I'm like, oh, you're
such a smart baby.

I was thinking about
watching cartoons.

You're so smart.

You're a good baby.

All right, go-- you babies
go sit on the couch, OK?

And they have their
little nest, where

they got their soft blankets
and their toys and everything.

And they're both up there.

And I'm like, which one
do you want to watch baby?

And she goes Dora
the Explorer daddy.

August, is that cool with you?

F-it!

All right, Dora it is.

So I turn it on for them.

And I have to catch a snack, OK?

There's nothing I can do.

I can't unring the bell, OK?

I--I can't unstone myself.

I want to desperately.

But I just simply can't, OK?

I'd love to.

That would be great.

I would-- I would pay
any amount of money

not to be high right now, OK?

But then the next
thing I figure is well,

I

If I fall asleep my
Lilliputians will

have me tied up like
Gulliver in five minutes.

I'm, I can't move, I can't move.

All right?

So I uh, go to make
a coffee machine.

That's all I got.

We just redid our house.

And that's all I
got that's mine,

OK, is the coffee maker, OK?

It's a in-the-wall
coffee machine.

It's awesome.

It makes all my coffee.

And the reason I got it
was I had a panic attack

at a coffee shop, a very
famous coffee brand.

And I uh, flipped out, OK?

Because the guy
making my coffee,

he was a dirty white person.

OK?

And dirty white people
gross me out more

than anything else in the world.

I hate dirty white people.

They--they just ugh,
ugh, dreadlocks, OK?

But AID-sy dreadlocks, like
one's big and one's little, OK?

All right?

And I could smell his
funk over the coffee,

OK?

So we're like, six feet away.

I could smell his funky ass, OK,
with all these hemp necklaces.

And I think he's got
a choker up here.

But it's a ring of
dirt, of black beads

like little white
trash babies get, OK?

All right, just a
funky-ass white dude.

Ugh!

So gross, those white people.

Yleck.

How come white people with
dreadlocks smell like coupons

and ass and black
people with dreadlocks

smell effervescent and lovely?

Why is that?

That's a good-ass question.

And I'm like, is this
kid allergic to soap?

Because he-- this ain't no
Tom's of Maine soap you need,

Playboy.

Get that funk off your ass.

You need some old-school
Dial soap, OK?

Antibacterial or
something, all right?

Funky-ass dirty white-- uh!

All right?

And here's what made me
have the panic attack.

He's--he's stirring my coffee.

And as he's stirring it, one
of his dreadlocks is hanging

over--over my coffee like
the sword of Damocles, OK?

And that's when I flipped out.

I'm like

Get away from my coffee you
stinky dirty white people!

I hate you!

I will beat your ass and
then I will wash you clean!

Ah!

And uh, that's when
they called the cops.

And uh, they got
there really fast.

Like a minute and a half,
two minutes, cops are there.

I'm-- oh god, this is a
embarrassing fat moment.

I am uh-- I'm handcuffed
with two pairs of handcuffs.

OK?

I'm like, seriously fellas?

Two pairs of handcuffs, really?

Are y'all afraid I'm going to
run away from you real quick

or something?

Like I'm a fat ninja.

I'm just going to
drop a smoke bomb

and disappear from
Sunset Boulevard, really?

Really?

And they asked me what happened.

And I said, that dirty white
guy was making my coffee.

And he almost dunked
his dirty-ass dreadlock

into my coffee.

That's a $5 cup of
coffee, the son's of bitch

is going to dunk his ass--

And the black guy was
like, ooh, that's nasty.

I'm like, I know that's nasty!

Why do you think I flipped out?

The white cop was like, no,
no, no, no, it's--it's fine.

And I'm like, no it's not.
Ask this brother.

And he's like,
yeah, that's nasty.

It is.

Can you take these cuffs off me?

All right, hell yeah,
I'll take your cuffs off.

Don't go nowhere.

Like, really?

Where am I going to
fly to.

And they ended up citing
them for health violations

for having that stinky
dirty white guy back there.

But they also gave
me a Writ of Trespass

that I can't go back to that
uh, coffee shop no more.

And so I have to make
my coffee at home.

I can't make it.

I can't go there.

And it's really close
to my house too.

It sucks, all right?

So I made myself a four-shot
espresso latte macchiato, OK?

All right, it's very good.

It's so good.

Mm.

All right?

And then I put tons of sugar.

And I have to keep
on stirring it.

Because it's about to set
up like Quickrete, OK?

All right?

I keep on stirring.

I'm drinking my coffee.

I'm getting caffeinated.

And I go back.

And apparently
there's two episodes

of Dora the Explorer in
every 30 minute block.

I didn't know that, all right?

So uh, I'm watching the
start of the n-- I've

never seen this show before, OK?

I didn't know.

And have you seen this show?

If you haven't, it's about a
five-year-old little Mexican

girl that's always lost, OK?

And it should be
called Dora the Amber

Alert, is what it
should be called, OK?

It is--

This--this really
freaked me out.

I had a minor panic attack.

I just-- thinking
about dirty white guys

and I come in and
watch this show.

And I think this
show was invented

by someone who wants white
people and black people

to hate Mexican people.

That's all I can deduce.

It's just the only
thing that makes sense.

They've got this
little girl walking

by myself herself
in the woods, OK?

As a parent, I'm watching
this going, oh my god,

where's that baby's parents?

Who lets their baby walk
out in the goddamn woods?

That baby's got a monkey
with her, Jesus Christ!

Get that baby away
from that monkey!

That monkey will eat that
baby's face off, oh my god!

That's what those
domesticated monkeys always

do, eat people's faces off.

And they go, oh, I didn't know.

He was a nice monkey.

Till he ate parts
of my face off.

Get that baby away from that m--

Now I'm like, who lets
their baby walk out

in the middle of the
goddamn woods by themselves

with a monkey?

Mexicans.

Oh my god, this thing
just made me a racist.

And I realized it's designed
to make you a racist.

They've got that
little girl crossing

a river in every episode.

Come on man.

Latinos, y'all are under
assault everywhere I go.

I was in Arizona.

And the white people
there have invented a law

where they're pulling people
over for driving Mexican, OK?

I swear to God, all right?

If you've got 49 people
in your car good luck

going through Phoenix, Jack.

Good luck.

You're going to need it.

Everybody gets pulled over.

Woop, woop, woop.

Sarge, we got a eight '84
Chevy Silverado, blue on blue,

with three lawn
mowers in the back.

Pull that son of a bitch over.

Woop, woop, woop.

I told all my
friends in Arizona,

I don't care if you're
white black, or brown,

don't live home without
your wallet in Arizona.

While you're trying to
explain how you ain't Mexican

you'll be eating a dry alone
balogna sandwich on a bus ride

down to Mexicali.

Going, I swear to God,
my name's Brandon.

I was just mowing my own
yard, yeah, what happened?

I don't even speak Spanish.

Look, none of my teeth
are silver or baby sized.

Look, look, look.

I don't think the people who
made this law up have really

thought it all out, you know?

Think about it, folks, if we
get rid of all the Mexicans

not for nothing, how
are we going to move?

Everybody I know uses Mexicans,
white people, black people,

Mexicans use Mexicans, OK?

I'm not talking about
well-nourished American

Mexicans with good bone
structure and proper nutrition.

I'm talking about those little
mojados, those ones that

sneak over the border that
you get at home the Home

Depot, three for $50 or for
$100, 12 of them will show up.

And uh, with three old
ladies and a

and two tillas.

OK, it takes them 17
minutes, 17 minutes.

And they move all your
stuff out of the house

onto one pickup truck, one.

In an upside-down
pyramid, they stack it.

It's incredible.

Amazing engineering, amazing.

No rope, no rope.

They just throw the
littlest Mexican up on top

and he hold down two
mattresses and a coffee table.

It's incredible.

For that 17 minutes
your whole house

looks like that
movie Apocalypto.

There's uh, little Aztec Indians
jumping around, popping up.

And one of them's praying
the Quezalcoatl water

on the .

Yeah, yeah, Quezalcoatl
.

And as soon as they're done here
come these three old ladies,

sweeping, mopping, dusting,
washing everything down

with that purple water, that
Fabuloso something like that?

I don't know, that
ain't from America.

That stuff is bonafied.

That gets off third-world dirt.

Like when you got a-- you
got a Cholera outbreak,

you get that Fabuloso Jack, that
stuff cleans everything son.

It like, punks out Mr.
Clean like he's a bitch, OK?

That Fabuloso is the real deal.

I got a fantasmo way.

I call it Ghost
Water, all right?

Because that's what it does.

It-- it just, it's a-- it'll
strip man, if you let it

set on there too long.

And these old ladies
are cleaning everything.

You're standing in the
former shell of your house

going why are we moving?

This is amazing.

It was our crap that was
messing this house up.

Man, Mexicans are
amazingly clean.

It's funny, when
I did that joke--

I--I was telling joke
and--and you know,

I tell people that's what the
term spic and span comes from.

And uh-- ha, ha, look it up.

Look it up.

Because Mexicans
are so clean, see?

See, first you think it's
going to be a racial slur.

Then it turns out to
be a racial compliment.

Now who's prejudice?

Not me, I love Mexicans.

I was doing this joke in
Orange County, California

about a month and a half ago.

And when I did it, a white
lady stood up and said,

we have to get rid of
all those Mexicans.

They're ruining our country.

And I was just
amazed at her racism.

You know?

And it's weird coming from
somebody from the south,

you know?

You'd expect I'd
have heard outbursts

like that before in my life.

But in the South,
you know, I mean,

I was born in
Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Raised up in little
town in Arkansas

called Clarksville and moved
to Texas when I was 18.

I mean, I'm southern
as it gets, OK?

And I've never heard racial
bile spilled like this.

At least in the south we have
the good graces and the decorum

to whisper our racial
slurs, you know?

And you don't know
this about me.

But I grew up
spending my Summers

in little town even
smaller than my hometown

in South Arkansas
called Delight, OK?

It's where my grandfather,
Abe May, had his farm.

And it was a beef cattle farm.

And in his older age he
didn't have that big a herd.

But he thought
that the neighbors

were taking cattle and
replacing the tags.

And so he went back to
Branding, old-school Branding.

And my brother, being
nearly six years my senior,

had no problem flipping
these cattle on their ass.

And my grandfather, hol--he hold
them down and would lay that

brand on them.

Me, I was a dumpy
11-year-old that I held on.

That's all I did, OK?

I held on and
hopefully, the cow would

trip over my uh, dumpy
ass, OK, and fall down.

But that day was
a hard day for me.

I got beat up by cattle, OK?

I mean, beat the hell--
drug through cow flop,

hot, hot cow crap.

I mean hot, hot.

Way warm-- oh, you
think cold is bad?

Cold's not nearly as bad as hot.

Hot is way worse.

Pee, everything.

And got kicked in
the goddamn head

I don't know how many
times, all right?

By the way, after
a day like that,

when your grandfather has
to hose you off in the yard

before you can even come into
the house, OK, all right?

Nothing tastes better
than a cheeseburger.

Because you're angry as hell.

All right?

But my grandfather taught
me how to drag them down.

What you got to do is let
them run past you a little bit

and then grab them.

Either they're on their ear
or the little nubbin horn.

And push down.

And when that turns
their head you

pull their head up like this.

And--and they either have the
choice of getting their neck

broke or going with you.

And they're all momentum.

You just fall back
we'll sling you up them.

And they'll be laying there
on the ground, moo, moo, moo.

And that's what I had
to do to that lady.

I had to uh-- let that bitch
run past me a little bit

then snatch her ass up.

So I was like,
ma'am, I'm with you.

Let's get rid of them Mexicans.

I'll buy the gas for the bus.

Just as you can
tell me who's going

to pick our fruits
and vegetables.

She goes, excuse me?

Uh, well, ma'am, see,
99% of our produce

comes to market
through Latino hands.

Without them, uh, we have
no fruits and vegetables

in our grocery stores.

Not mine,
I get mine at Whole Foods.

Ha ha ha!

You are adorable.

OK, listen dummy, um, they
might have hippies out

front at the Whole Foods.

But everybody doing the real
work are the Mexicans out back.

OK?

But you're right ma'am, all
the Mexicans at Whole Foods

are 100% organic.

And that's what matters.

So uh, then this racist
was like,

we'll get a machine to do it.

And I'm like well, ma'am,
you know, not for nothing,

for all of our technology,
our satellite phones

and TVs and
everything, we've never

been able to invent a machine
that knows which tomato to pick

and which one to leave
hanging, which grape to cut

and which one to
leave on the vine.

The machine we
invented was Mexicans.

And they're perfect.

They're generally shorter.

Uh, they have uh, they're
generally shorter of stature.

That means they have
less-- OK, all right,

because I feel it already.

People are going, that's a
dick move, Ralphie, all right?

OK, all right, well watch,
OK, I am 5'9" and 1/2.

OK?

Average American
height is 5'8", OK?

Watch as I attempt to
pick low-lying fruits

and vegetables.

OK, watch.

See, I had to bring my back
to nearly 90-degree angle.

Over the course of
the day that would

make for extreme amounts
of lower back pain

and fatigue, making me
A, a poor employee, OK?

Now watch as the average
Mexican national attempts

the same thing.

Perfect sense, right?

Perfect sense.

They're awesome.

Then she goes, we'll get
white people to do it.

And I'm like, ma'am,
why do you think

the Mexicans are here now?

Because we can't get
white people to do it, OK?

But let's just go
with your premise, OK?

First of all, are you
a native Californian?

She goes (IMITATING
WOMAN) yes, I am, OK.

And is that your son with you?
Yes, it is.

And I'm like, well, ma'am, that
boy is allergic to work, OK?

He's never had to work hard, OK?

Uh, with his little cool
little Justin Bieber haircut

and his flip-flops and his
skate park pass, he's adorable.

But he's never
really worked, OK?

He doesn't know hard work,
OK, hard physical labor.

He'd last and hour
working like a Mexican,

OK, if you could even get
him out there to do it.

And he's too busy doing this.

OK?

All right?

That boy is allergic
to work, OK?

That's all you can say,
it's the truth, all right?

Plus, you've never known a
time without Mexican labor.

This is California.

A ton of people-- California
was chock full of Mexicans

back when it was
called Mexico, OK?

That's something we all
forget is that there's

a lot of Mexicans that
never crossed the border.

The border crossed
them, all right?

They're like, I guess we stay.

So I'm like, ma'am, it just
doesn't make any sense,

you know?

You're just dumb, OK?

You-- OK, let's say we could
get white people to do it.

What would it cost
you? $30 an hour

to get white people
to work like Mexicans?

Probably more.

And then there's other
costs along with it

like free sunblock.

How much money
you going to spend

in sunblock with white people?

You get somebody as pale
as me or this fat guy

or that white dude, OK,
out there in the field,

with that much direct
light, we'll blow up, OK?

Poom!
What happened to Bob?

He wasn't wearing his damn SPFs,
that's what happened to Bob.

Change the sign, 0 days
since last accident.

Fuck you sons of bitches.

You either wear your sunblock
or you can come out here

in a beekeeper outfit, OK?

I'm not going to have OSHA
crawl up my ass for this crap.

Because you sons
of bitches won't

wear your goddamn
sunblock, you hear me?

Plus white people are lazy.

White people, we invented
the three-day weekend.

That's how lazy we are.

It's the truth.

Nobody wants to admit it,
how white people, oh no,

we're not lazy.

Ah, come on, stop.

Really?

OK?

Presidents' Day?

Really?

Does anyone sit around
and wonder about the Taft

administration on
Presidents' Day?

No, no.

Memorial Day, Mexicans don't
know about--about Memorial Day.

That's a Monday to a Mexican.

That's a workday.

We got to work on
Monday, make money.

Labor Day is the biggest
crock of crap uh, of all time.

OK, in honor of everyone that's
working we're not going to.

You see what I'm saying?

It just doesn't make any sense.

And Fourth of July, that's just
between the third and the fifth

of July for a Mexican, OK?

All right, one day for
Mexicans, Cinco de Mayo.

You better have
cold beer on May 5.

But that's one day as opposed
to 23 for white people.

That's nearly a full month
of added productivity

you're going to get out
of a Mexican national

that you could never get
out of a white American.

Do you understand?

OK, now let's put
it in basic terms.

If white people pick your
fruits and vegetables

your salad's going to cost $97.

You want a cheeseburger?

3.50.

You want pickles on it, $12.

Damn, are those magic pickles?

What the hell is going on?

And then this white lady goes,
I guess we'll get somebody else.

And I'm like, who ma'am, who?

Who?

Uh, I don't
know, I guess black people.

And I'm like ah!

I see some black guys
about to stand up.

Hold on playboys, I got this,
OK, don't worry about it, OK?

I was like, ma'am
if you think you're

getting black people
back in the same field

they got out of 150 years ago,
you are smoking crack, OK?

I hate to break it to you.

But you can't get a black
man to go into a big backyard

and pick a movie, much less
a fruit or a vegetable.

Am I lying or am I dying?

Retarded.

You are dumb, just dumb.

That plastic surgeon done going
to your head bitch, something.

You stupid.

But that doesn't take
away from the fact

that Arizona, probably the most
racist state in the union, OK?

This law is
fundamentally racist.

And the people in
Arizona say, no it's not.

The lawmakers say it's
not racist at all.

Really?

Then how come nobody's
pulling over white people

under being suspicion
of being Canadian?

See, the danger
with this law is,

is that if we as Americans--
if we don't say anything

when they come for one group
it makes it incredibly easier

to not say anything when
they come for another group.

And when they come
for you there ain't

going to be nobody
left to say anything.

OK, we have to stand up
as a country .

We have to stop
this in his tracks.

This law is wrong.

But Arizona has a
long history, man.

They were the last
state in the union

to ratify Doctor King Day, OK?

Arguably one of the greatest
non-elected Americans

in the history of our nation, a
man whose sole purpose in life

was to make America
live by her own words

"That all men are
created equal."

And to this cause he put his
blood, his sweat, his tears,

ultimately he gave his
life upon the altar

that we be made whole as a
country and realize the truth,

that as a nation we're all
fingers upon the same hand.

We may not look alike.

But we're all needed.

And to this great
man Arizona said, no.

10 years past every other state.

That means even past Alaska, OK?

Let's put that in perspective.

We've got more black people
in this room than they

have in th--the state of Alaska.

OK?

If you're black and in
Alaska what happened?

OK?

Were you loading on bags
at Detroit International

and hit your head and woke up
cold like a son of a bitch?

Like,
whoa, it's freezing son.

It was cold as hell.

I ain't never been
no cold like that.

All right?

I gots to know.

This is a story I want to hear.

That's what they're saying,
is they would rather

hate somebody than
take a day off.

That's fundamentally
not American.

Usually your lazy gene will
trump any hatred we might have.

But no, not in Arizona.

They're like, screw
you black people.

We're going to work.

Those niggers
ain't keeping us home.

We're working niggers.

That's crazy.

I know black people that would
celebrate Ku Klux Klan day

for the free day from work.

What y'all doing?

We're getting our clan on
up in this son of a bitch.

That's what we're doing.

Kids are out back playing
and Grandmama's sheets.

That boy Ray Ray got a
pillowcase on his head

saying he's the grand
wizard and everything,

trying to use Harry
Potter magic to change

black babies into white babies.

Later on we're going to burn
one of those big-ass crosses

like them redneck
peckerwoods do.

And when it burns down we're
going to put some ribs on them

coals, you know what I'm saying?

That's right, because the
cross, the cross, the cross

is on fire.

We don't need no water let the--

This country, you know,
we're so much better

than we give
ourselves credit for.

Its a hologram.

Racism in this
country is a hologram.

It's a tool used by the
powers that be to keep us,

the populace,
looking at each other

instead of looking up and
seeing what they're doing, OK?

You know, all it is
is a distraction.

And it's been working
for a long time.

E-even in the '60s and '70s we
got all the uh, legislation's

passed, Civil Rights Act, Voter
Registration Act passed, OK?

All these wonderful
bills that really

leveled the playing field, OK?

We had integration.

We have people going to school
with people of different races,

OK?

People were getting
to know each other

and realize there's
no difference, OK?

Forces that be still
wanted us looking

at each other, all right?

And they used it, you know?

White people are going, oh,
don't--don't go over there.

Those black people, they're
stealing white babies.

Oh lord, Jeez, you got to stay
away from them black people.

Them black people
are going to get you.

All right?

And black folks, y'all
were the same thing.

Those
cracker-ass white people,

they're putting stuff in chicken
to make your junk fall off.

Nu-uh.

Mm-hmm.

That's right.

It'll make your thing drop
right off, it sure will.

And why did they have us
looking at each other?

So we wouldn't look up and see
how the reason we're in Vietnam

wasn't a real reason at all.

The Gulf of Tonkin incident
was a radar glitch, OK?

But we used it as
an escalation point.

And what did that cost us?

Over 58,000 US lives, OK?

Hundreds of thousands
more injured, OK?

What did it cost the
country of Vietnam?

A million people, OK?

And then they got their way.

And we obviously
don't give a damn

because we're trading with them.

They make our Nike's, OK?

You know?

You know, right?

Right, we don't mind, OK?

It doesn't make any sense.

But in the '70s,
man, white and black

were starting to see eye to eye.

Things were getting together.

OK, it was disco.

Number one show in the
country was Sanford and Son.

Number three show
was Good Times.

All right, why?

Because they were
well-written shows.

But also they showed a
different perspective.

And white people
realized that there's not

that much difference
between white and black.

OK?

The truth of the matter
is, it's rich and poor.

Now like, where I
grew up, in Arkansas,

there was no black or white.

We're all broke, OK?

What's your color?

Poor.

OK?

You know?

That's the truth of
the matter, you know?

When you eat your cereal out
of a Cool Whip bowl stained

with chili or
spaghetti sauce does

it really matter if you're
black or you're white?

You're broke.

You're broke.

And you know, j-- then
the '80s happened.

And we had this huge
influx of Latinos

coming North because of
a depression in Mexico.

And Cuba gets rid of everybody
that's not pro Fidel.

And uh, white and
black had learned

a lesson over the last 20 years.

They're all sitting around
going,

who are all these beaners?

All these brown people
coming to our country,

these beaner

All right, now some
of them are like,

have you tried their food?

That's stuff's delicious.

They're like, what?

For real?

Mm-hmm, good as
hell son, delicious.

All right?

I met-- The first Mexican
I met was in 1982, June 17,

glorious day.

OK?

It was a hot day in Arkansas.

It was 108 and 100% humidity.

And it wasn't raining.

When the wind blew it felt like
a dog was breathing on you.

And uh, uh, I got a
knock on the door.

And there's a little
Mexican fellow

with his head in
his hands saying

he'd mow my yard for $10.

And I'm like, goddamn
right you will.

All right?

You can come and do
it next week too.

And uh, why not?

My mom paid me point
$20 to do it, you know?

I figure I give
him 10, I make 10.

Now I'm a supervisor.

this is awesome, OK?

In the '80s we had
the uh, the Soviets.

That was the big thing.

Everybody thought the
Soviets were going to get us.

I remember those commercials
where they showed us-- yeah,

they never showed us what
real soviet kids looked like.

We never would have pointed
our missiles at them.

That's not our
country, you know?

Blonde hair, blue eyes,
whiter than we are going,

excuse me
sir, can I have some more?

All right?

You know?

We never would have
blown those kids up.

What did we see?

We saw guys in big furry hats
goosestepping like the wicked

witch of the west guard,
Oh-ee-oh-oh-oh.

All right?

And big missiles on
big trucks and bears,

I was more scared of the
bears than I was of the bombs.

I didn't know what
a nuclear was at 10.

I knew if they dropped those
bears on us we're fucked, OK?

Like, those bears, oh my
god, they're everywhere.

And that's why we made movies
during the '80s like Red Dawn,

where we showed those
dirty Soviets killing

Soda Pop and Pony Boy.

And somebody's putting
baby in the corner.

And wolverines and
then Judd Nelson

ended-- he had his hand up
like that, I don't know.

What's funny is no
one under 25 realizes

I just melded four
movies into one.

That's what's funny, all right?

You got some Netflix
homework to do player.

You got some Netflix
homework to do.

But in 1991 after we uh,
bankrupted the Soviet Union

and they uh, and you
know, it broke up,

basically we experienced the
greatest amount of growth

any nation's ever experienced
in the history of the world.

Why?

Because white, black,
and brown were finally

working together, OK?

And that we were living
Doctor King's dream.

OK, that we were
working together.

And all that changed on
a Tuesday morning in 2001

when Arabs flew airplanes
into buildings and boom,

we had a brand new race war.

We had white, black, and brown
versus a new kind of brown, OK?

And that's where
we're at now, OK?

(SINGING TO THE MELODY OF
"RHYTHM IS GOING TO GET YOU")

The Muslim is going to get you.

The Muslim is going to get you.

The Muslim is going to get you
tonight, Allah, Allah, Allah,

Allah.

The Muslim is going to get you.

The Muslim is going to get you.

That's the new Boogieman.

Whatever you do,
don't look at th--

in a mirror say
Muslim three times.

One of them stinky
unibrow sons of bitches

will show up right behind
you with a big-ass turban,

beard, genie bottle in one
hand, magic carpet in the other.

Dynamite belt.

Last thing you'll smell
is couscous, camel hump,

and diesel fuel.

Boom, then he blows
you up, nu-uh.

Mm-hmm.

(SINGING TO THE MELODY OF
RYTHM IS GOING TO GET YOU)

Because the Muslim
is going to get you.

The Muslim is going
to get you, The Muslim

is going to get you tonight.

Allah, Allah.

Allah, Allah.

They want us to be excited.

I'm sorry.

I just--

I have a real hard
time being afraid

of a dude who's
wearing a dress down

below his knees and
uh, flip

If you're dressed like my
mama going down the Galveston

Beach I'm really not
that afraid of you,

you know what I'm saying?

You're kind of dressed
like a pussy dude,

you know what I mean?

Maybe that's just
the southern in me.

But if I could stub your toe
and put you out of the fight,

I'm not really that afraid, OK?

But it is interesting, you know,
since then, what's happened.

And we just allow
it too, you know?

We allow the
government to listen

to our phones and our
emails and everything.

And we just give up
our personal liberties.

And Benjamin Franklin
said it best,

"If you give up liberty for
security you deserve neither

and you will get neither."

Do you understand what I mean?

OK?

It's not our country.

We have to get back to who
we are as nation.

They can kill an individual.

But they didn't
kill America, OK?

There's no way they
could kill America.

OK?

Because America's not a thing.

It's a dream.

It's a way of thinking.

It's a group of people from
all corners of the earth living

under a document that
starts with three

simple words, "We the people".

And people forget about that.

They think that oh,
they're going to get us.

No, they're not.

All right?

And who are we fighting?

1% or 1%, OK?

There's 1.8 billion of them.

OK, we're fighting
1% of 1% of them, OK,

that's who we're fighting.

And who are we
fighting them with?

The best of our world, our
US servicemen and women.

These guys are incredible.

They're incredible, aren't they?

Amazing.

In 22 years of standup
I've been on 19 USO tours.

And it's awe inspiring to
see these men and women.

These are guys that give
up their whole lives.

And--and the people they
leave behind, your families,

you are the unsung heroes too.

Because you didn't
volunteer, OK?

You know, your son
or daughter did,

or your husband or your
wife did, you know?

You people left behind
have a burden to bear too.

Because every-- you're
afraid every time

you watch CNN or something
that your child's name

might scroll across the bottom.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

I hope this nation's good
enough to give them back to you,

you know?

They're incredible.

They really are.

They're amazing, amazing people.

You know?

And they do a great job.

I remember I was
in Iraq in 2003.

And um, we were there.

We were the first USO tour in.

And uh, I mean, I didn't see
anybody sleeping in bunks,

in mattresses.

They were sleeping
in ditches, OK?

The weather, it was 135
degrees during the day.

It dropped down to a
brisk 112 at night.

And uh, yeah, it was
really just a relief.

It was just like, so nice.

Oh my god.

And it's like, ooh,
this is parka weather.

I love it.

It's getting crisp, mm.

They--they were so afraid
of me getting dehydrated.

Even though they were
under a water ration

where they only got to drink
a liter and a 1/2, uh, a day,

they would give me
some of their water.

Because they were
afraid because I'm fat.

I'm like, no, I'm like a
camel, trust me brother.

I got it.

I got it.

I'll be fine, thank you.

You keep them for you.

And they--they would give
up their water for me.

I mean, do you know what I mean?

That's the-- that's
who these people are.

You know?

When they raise
their hand to protect

this nation and its
constitution against all enemies

both foreign and
domestic they do it.

They live by words like
service and duty and honor.

They're incredible
men and women.

And then I see how
they're treated.

You know, none of the
Humvees I drove in

had anything but canvas doors.

They weren't armored, OK?

And it's like, the
safest place in Iraq

was on the inside of me,
you know what I mean?

It's like, let Ralph
have the window, OK?

Let Raphie-- all right, it
had to be a big-ass bomb

to get through Ralphie, OK?

And--and I was like, oh,
everybody's letting me ride

shotgun.

That's so nice.

I didn't realized until I
left, those sons of bitches.

They just-- they-- and you
can't blame them, you know?

We send them to war with
half their equipment.

And we expect them
to do a full job.

It doesn't make any sense.

You know?

But I didn't notice
something striking.

Because I've done,
also, shows in prisons.

And everybody there has a bunk.

And everybody there gets at
least three showers a week,

depending on their sex life.

Um-- they uh, somehow we
treating our prisoners

better than we do our military.

And I don't understand that.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

You know, I go to Walter Reed.

And uh, I mean, men and women
who've left their legs and arms

in southwest Asia and-- and
these guys, they--they tell me,

they go Ralphie I wish they'd
blow my hand off my right hand

side I didn't have to fill
out so much goddamn paperwork.

You know?

I'm amazed.

You know, these guys,
they're our best.

If I was ever going to run
for office, and by the way,

I'm not going to do it, if
I do it, for a long time.

Because A, I don't want
to take the pay cut.

B, I'm going to get
assassinated really quick, OK?

You don't even have to be
a good shot to kill me,

you know what I mean?

You could-- you could shoot
up, hit my fat ass, OK?

All right?

But if I was going
to run for office,

I would move to make it a
constitutional amendment

that if you do
certain crimes you

don't get to be a
citizen anymore.

And I'll clean out our jails.

Murder, rape, pedophile,
OK, they'd all go.

You know?

Because it's really hard
to be an ex-murderer,

you know what I mean?

Like, oh, I used to kill people.

Uh, really?

uh, huh, huh, OK,
this interview's over.

Um--

Yeah, I don't
drink anymore, thank God.

Man, I used to
get rapey as hell.

I'd get all drunk on Jager.

And I'd just rape
and rape and rape.

OK, I think uh, no, the
position's been filled.

But we'll keep your
application on file.

Get out of here.

We--we--we have no
use for these people.

A lot of them are
repeat offenders.

And besides, most of
them like to kill.

Put them in the game.

I think we dump all these
people into Afghanistan,

withdraw all of our troops,
let them keep the guns.

They could have it, all right?

People go, Ralphie,
they'll just walk away.

Where are they going
to talk to, Iran?

No.

Uh, Pakistan?

Different side of
the same fight.

China's already got a wall up.

You ain't getting in there.

Where you going to go to?

Wherever you go, you're not
going to come back here.

And I bet they stay there.

Because every time they kill
a Taliban or an Al Qaeda

we'll give them
free Hot Pockets.

All right?

All those predator drones,
that are flying around, OK,

we'll just-- instead of hellfire
missiles we'll-- well load them

up with Hot Pockets
in Hot Pocket rockets.

That's what we'll call
them, Hot Pocket rockets.

And it'll be awesome.

They'll get just a poof,
ooh, Hot Pocket, ooh,

that's hot, hot.

You know?

And that whole country's
only got 68 cars.

Think about, like, a serial
killer like Ted Bundy.

That guy would have a field
day in that country, you know?

Where are you going?

Kandahar.

Get in.

Hot Pocket,
that's awesome.

It'd be terrific.

We'd clean out our jails.

We'd clean up Afghanistan.

And we'd put people there
that we can actually talk to.

You know what I mean?

Who kills gang bangers
better than gang bangers?

Nobody, OK?

Let's do it.

OK?

Let's put them in.

All right, I'm all for it.

But man, I'm the only one.

You know, everybody
else wants to well,

the rights, blah, blah, blah.

Right?

It's a good idea.

I bet in six months we'd
have gang bangers walking

around Kandahar going
boy, I don't even

think I can eat no
more Hot Pockets.

I'm full up.

And then in 50 years we'd
have our very own Australia

right there in Asia.

It's awesome.

Pretty good idea, right?

I know, just get rid of
our problem, all right?

And we saved every budget
in this country, OK?

All the state budgets are broke.

So you don't have
to fire any teachers

and we can rebuild schools.

Because we have extra
money because we're

not housing murderers
and rapists.

And we don't have these quality
people, our US servicemen

and women that are coming home
with post-traumatic stress

disorder.

You can't get PTSD
when you like to kill.

That's like me having flashbacks
to a Chinese buffet in 1992.

I was King Bo Number Two.

Oh my god, there was fried food
everywhere, oh god, fried rice,

oh, get in my mouth, oh.

You know?

I

I'm not going to lie to you.

I was there.

I was in and amongst it.

I'm not one of these
fat people that

go, oh, it's all glandular.

No.

It's

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

I know, because
Chinese food doesn't

make any Chinese people fat.

But man, does it mess us up.

I think it's because we
don't do it with chopsticks.

Like, if they had
a fork over there

we'd get some fat
people in China too.

That's all I'm saying.

There's one boogie
man that ain't

going to get anybody anymore.

And that's Ol' Bin Laden.

Bin Laden's done got got.

Isn't that crazy?

I know, if I told you
10 years ago that uh, it

would be the Navy that got Bin
Laden, you'd be like, stop.

There's no water there.

What, did they drop
a boat on his ass?

I mean, come on son.

Those Navy SEALS, boy, they
handled their business Jack,

got in-- killed his ass.

Then they threw him in the
ocean like a Decepticon.

Bloop.

I just wish somebody made
a Weekend at Bernie's video

with that son of a bitch before
we tossed his ass overboard.

Wouldn't that have been great?

You know, duct tape
him to a chair,

have somebody working
his beard so it

looks like his mouth's moving,
put some sunglasses on him.

You know, I am Osama Bin Laden.

Let us stop all
of this terrorism

and live in peace
with our brothers.

And I know the Quran
says if you kill

one man you've killed all
men in the eyes of Allah.

Peace be onto us all.

Just give us the New Kids
on the Block and we'll stop.

Oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Baba Booey, Baba Booey splash.

Tha'td be awesome.

That would kick ass.

Weekend at Bin Laden's,
it'd be awesome.

It'd be a hit on
YouTube forever.

Everybody would love
it. Dude,

have you seen Weekend
at Bin Laden's?

It's hilarious.

They just want the
New Kids on the Block.

Send them, send them, send them.

We're not using them anymore.

Send them.

Send them.

Let me ask you a question,
OK, these Navy SEALs

that did their job expeditiously
that are amazing individuals,

these men are elite, OK?

Special forces across the board.

I've been protected
while on USO tours

by green berets and Navy SEALs.

By the way, they're
really sneaky and quiet,

and sneaking up on you.

First night in Iraq I go
to take a pee at 3 AM.

And I guess my guard
was watching me.

And I didn't know he was there.

I--I didn't hear anything
until he was breathing right

on my neck.
Hey Ralph, what are you up to?

Ah!

Well, I was going to go pee.

But no need for that.

Mission accomplished.

Your quiet as hell,
you know that right?

He goes yeah, I know.

It was a velociraptor
you son of a bitch.

to make some noise
before you come over.

So there's a pair
of underwear that's

not going back home with me.

That was my contribution
to building,

There's a pair of
big-ass underwear.

You know, somebody
that's like, .

All right?

These men and women are
incredible, Special Forces, OK?

They really are.

They're amazing warriors.

And we're lucky to have them.

Uh, but let me
ask you something.

Would you feel--
look in your hearts--

would you feel any different
about those men on SEAL Team 6

who brought Bin Laden to
justice, if you found out

that they had slept with a
couple of dudes in their life

before.

AUDIENCE: Hell no!

-Hell no.

Right?

It'd be like, homo,
you're a hero, right?

Hell yeah.

You give that boy some ribbons.

I know they love ribbons.

Get him a baby blue ribbon
to go around his neck.

Ooh, better yet,
let's have a parade.

Let's have a parade.

That'd be awesome.

I know we just repealed
Don't Ask Don't Tell.

But people still have
a problem with it.

And even though the
majority of the people

in the military polled said we
don't have a problem with it.

We can work with anybody.

As long as they do their job, I
don't care who they sleep with.

That's right.

That's how it should be.

But what were we before this?

What were we saying
to these people?

You can be anything
in this country.

You can in every
professional sport.

You can be the head of
billion-dollar industries.

But you can be-- your brothers,
your sisters, your cousin.

You can be the aunt that
brought her "roommate"

to Thanksgiving
19 years in a row.

And your mom's like, I don't
know why she can't find a man.

Mom, are retarded, OK?

That's your sister, all right?

The reason she
can't find a man is

because she likes chicks mom.

Nu-uh, don't say that.

I'm not-- it's nothing bad.

It's just the truth, sorry mom.

She's pretty cool to
talk with, you know?

Anyways, that's
what we were saying,

that you could be anything.

But if you want to raise your
hand and serve this country

you can't do it.

You can't protect your family.

Nope, nope, nope, because you
sleep with the wrong people.

All right?

That's what we were saying.

Like really?

Like, you're afraid
you're not going

to be able to march without
sucking each other off?

You know, (IMITATES
DRILL SARGEANT)

left, stride to your left.

Really?

Really?

Is that we're worried about?

Really?

We won't be able to shoot
without junk hitting them

in the head?

Stop, stop, get.

I'm trying to be a sniper, OK?

Now get.

In a minute, Jesus.

The big problem is with uh,
heterosexual men being uh,

homophobic or fear
of-- that means

they're afraid of gay guys.

Really?

Really?

I got to be honest with you,
as a fat guy that's always

done better with women
than I ever should have,

I think it's I'll
due to gay men.

I got to be honest with you.

There's no way.

You've seen my wife.

She's smoking hot.

There's no way I
should be banging

high-quality tail
like that, all right?

And it's only-- and
there-- by the way,

there's a lot of men
in here with women

way above their level,
just so you know.

OK?

I know because there's guys
going, he ain't talking to me.

No, I'm talking exactly to you.

You owe gay guys a little
debt of gratitude too, OK?

All right?

Have you seen gay guys?

They're handsome.

Like, there's very few
guys on the front row

that could be gay, OK?

I'm sorry, it's just the truth.

They're handsome, OK?

They're all ripped.

They're all P90X-ed up.

They're not fat
bastards like me.

Mm, no, no, no.

You can't come in.

You're too big.

They're handsome.

They're rich.

They have tons of
disposable income.

You know why mean?

They never spend
a dime on a woman.

Imagine, imagine
how rich you would

be if you never spent
one dime on a woman.

It's staggering, isn't it?

You're like, oh my god,
that's a lot of money man.

I know.

Because you know how a
gay relationship starts?

Boy, I sure could use a Hummer.

What a coincidence.

Done.

No dinner, movies, comedy
shows, concerts, done.

Maybe I'll Facebook him later.

Maybe I'll Facebook him.

That's it, done, over, simple.

Not us man, every gay
man has effectively

taken at least a minimum of two
handsome man off the market.

That leaves beautiful
women with no choice

but to come to somebody like me.

I'm the only one left.

Everybody's already
left the party.

I'm the last one there, OK?

My odds are up, OK?

That's a wingman.

Every gay man is the greatest
wingman you'll ever have, OK?

There's a lot of cute
couples here, OK?

A lot of y'all are like--
like, are y'all dating?

Are y'all dating?

OK, kind of dating?

You guess, maybe?

Dude, say you are,
trust me. say you

are You're not going to do
better than that one, OK?

I got to tell you, all right?

If you think no, I'm
waiting to trade up,

you're

All right?

If you went to a straight
party OK, with all

your straight friends OK?

And someone handed you a pill,
said take this, and you do it.

And you're drinking
a couple of beers.

And you thought it was maybe
like a Vicodin or something.

Because come on, let's
be honest, in the Midwest

we save our painkillers till
when we're feeling better, OK?

All right?

Right?

Right?

And it turned out
to be a Percocet

and you passed out like a bitch.

All right? while
you're passed out,

do you think that any
of your straight friends

will not try to bang your
super

Of course they would.

Because they're sons
of bitches, right?

They're total dicks.

Total dicks.

Same thing happened at
your gay buddy's house, OK?

You pass out.

You wake up, boom, she's
more bang-able than when

sh-- you went to sleep.

She's prettier.

You're like oh my god,
you're even more beautiful.

Is this the drugs?

And that's when your
gay friend will come in.

We had a makover!

It was awesome.

We redid her hair,
highlights and lowlights.

And then we stripped
all the makeup off

and went to earth tones and
just highlighted her eyes.

And you know, we just
had a good time, OK?

You know, it was great.

That's a wingman, brother.

That's a wingman.

That's who you want
fighting for you.

Whenever you're driving
around and you see a man

behind the wheel
of the Mini Cooper

or a PT Cruiser or a
Prius, even gay people go,

the Prius is the gayest one.

It is the gayest one.

I mean, it's got a
lisp in the name.

Let's be honest.

That's weird.

Prius!

Give them a little beep beep.

Going to appreciate you,
gay man, appreciate you.

You took two hot dudes
off the market bro,

let me get laid last night.

You're a good man. (IMITATES
MAN) We do what we can.

We do what we can.

I try to tell my uh, redneck
buddies from Arkansas

this stuff.

And they ain't hearing it man.

They're like, uh, Ralphie,

You can't hang out
with gay people

man, that's how you get the gay.

And I'm like, you know that's
how it doesn't happen, Right

like, you just don't hang
out with gay dudes then

two hours just
start sneezing oral.

You know what I mean?

Ah.

Dammit, I done caught the.

Gay.

Can someone run me
down to Walgreen's?

I can get me some GayQuil
or Fagtussin or-- in parts

of the south they--they uh,
they're using religion to hate

on these people.

You know, they're like, you
know, there's that group,

that Westboro Baptist Church.

Those assholes that
protest everybody.

And their motto is say,
you know, God hates fags.

Go

Then why does he keep on
making so many of them then?

What, is he trying to
redecorate the earth?

We're going to-- We're going
to put trees over here.

It's amazing, OK.

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

All the mountains are
now going to be purple.

It's going to be amazing.

They're really
worked up over this.

But I can't get o-- I
don't understand why.

All right, luck, put
your burden down.

Hating anyone is stupid, OK?

Hating anybody just for
the sake of hate is dumb.

You know, get to know them.

Hate them for some of
that shit, all right?

Hate them for stuff
they really did.

Like you know, he's
a dick, you know?

That guy's a dick.

All right, then just
hate him for that.

Don't hate him because he's gay.

That doesn't make any sense.

All right, put your burden down.

You know, I can tell
you this all day long.

If you don't do it,
then there's nothing--

I'm just wasting my
breath, you know?

But I'm going to
tell you something,

that hatred you're carrying
around for whatever group

you hate, it's not going
to make you any richer.

It's not going to give you
more time with your children.

You're not going to live longer.

Nobody gets out of
this life alive, OK?

Put your burden down.

Life's too hard to
carry that other stuff.

Put it down.

You know?

All that hatred, it's like uh,
bags of groceries in your face.

And you're walking
around in life.

And you're missing
out on quality people.

You know?

If I'd carried that hatred
that was ingrained in me,

that homophobia that
was ingrained in me

in Little Town, Arkansas,
then I would have missed out

on one of the best people in
my life, my buddy Gay Tony.

Gay Tony's awesome.

That ain't his real name.

That's just how it
appears in my cell phone.

Uh-- Gay Tony's awesome.

He's--he's one of
my best friends.

I love him.

And uh, I--I like him better
than I do my own brother,

you know?

Gay Tony's never
made my wife cry.

Gay Tony's never
called my a dirty Jew

or asked me when my
son's horns fell off, OK?

Yeah, yeah.

See, if I had held onto
that hate I would never

have known that guy, you know?

That's stupid.

Gay Tony's one of
the best things

that ever happened to me.

He's awesome.

I love him like a brother.

Actually, I love him
better than my brother.

OK, to be honest with you.

I talk to Gay Tony more
than I do my own brother.

My brother's kind of a dick.

I know, is this too real?

I'm sorry.

Is this too real?

All right, you know?

The truth of the matter is,
is if you hate gay people

and you're straight then
don't be a hypocrite about it.

Don't add to the problem, OK?

If you hate uh, gay people,
as a straight person,

you probably should
stop having sex.

Because it's straight
people that make gay people.

Gay people can't
make gay people.

Look it up.

Google back door baby right now.

Google back door baby.

0 results, 0 results.

Lesbians, you can bump donuts
all day long and half the night

girls.

You might get vapor lock.

But you ain't going to make no
baby, you know what I'm saying?

Ain't no
sunshine when she's--

Seeing as I'm talking and I'm
taking on the big subjects

right there, there's one that
we-- that no comic's ever

talked about that needs
to get taken care of.

I think we, as a country,
have left something uh,

on a coffee table,
a loaded handgun.

And that handgun is words, OK?

And people go, words
aren't hurtful.

The hell they're not.

You've never been called
whatever ethnic group

you are in a
mean

And until you've had
that happen to you, then

that's when you realize
there really is something out

there that hurts people, OK?

And uh, why do I give
a damn about this now?

Because I've got babies.

And I realize that
no one else is

going to do anything to
get rid of these words that

hurt people's feelings and make
them feel horrible as a human,

shatter their souls, OK?

So I have to.

I have to.

If somebody's got to
do it, I got to do it.

You know?

Behind this microphone's
a lot of power.

And uh, somebody's got to fight
for the people who can't, all

right?

We're too easy.

A buddy of mine,
Billy Wayne Davis,

uh, we were smoking weed.

And uh, Billy always comes up
with these deep-ass questions

when we're stoned.

And he was like, (IMITATES
BILLY WAYNE) Dude?

Yeah dude?

Dude,
what would America be like

if all of the white
people were black

and all the black
people were white?

Damn, man, that's
a deep-ass question

Billy Wayne. (IMITATES BILLY
WAYNE) I know, man, I know.

Well, I can't speak
for-- you mean like,

if this country was
founded by black people

then they stole white
people here to build it?

He's like yes.

And I'm like, wow.

I tell you one thing
that'd be different.

In 2011 no one would be allowed
to say the word cracker.

And we'd all put
cheese on niggers.

It's OK, white people, look
to your nearest black person.

They're laughing, they know.

I called you crackers
all night long.

How come nobody got mad?

Because crackers are delicious.

They're great in
soup, chili, what?

Get in my mouth.

Uh, cheese, summer
sausage, hello.

In my mouth hole, so good.

I've stayed at horrible
Superbowl parties

just because they had
good-ass crackers.

I'm like, I ain't leaving
until them Waverly

butter crackers are
gone, OK, all right?

Crackers are great.

But what tastes even
better than a cracker?

Brownies.

See, we're halfway there.

There you go.

That gave me the
idea, that's how

we should get rid
of the words, OK?

Is we make them into
delicious cookies.

Like, I propose we make
the world's greatest

cookie, a cookie so magnificent,
so wonderful that one bite,

you're instantly addicted.

And you have a face

You're like, ah, ah, ah.

Ah, that's an amazing cookie.

All right?

A cookie that's part
Samoan, remember those?

Mm, all right?

Then those Pepperidge
Farm Sausalito cookies.

Like, so good.

There's like, eight in a bag.

And they cost $12.

But you don't care.

All right?

I got two babies on the floor.

And they ain't never
tasted them cookies, OK?

Those are grown-ass man cookies.

OK?

I don't even know why
they make them resealable.

OK?

I uh-- this is a
fat confession OK?

Oh my god, this is how fat I am.

I--I--I-- Stretch.

I--I--I crease the edge.

And I tip up the bag
to get all the crumbs.

And if I spill any on
my chest wet the finger,

like--like-- like a coke addict.

I'm like, aw, ah, ah,
that's a good-ass cookie.

All right?

They're so good.

Ugh.

On top of that cookie--
I ain't done yet--

I'm going to put a
Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

right in the middle.

A whole Reese, not them little
ones, that ain't no fun.

Them fun-sized candy
bars ain't fun at all.

OK?

You just get started
and they're gone, OK?

Come on, I need-- let's do this.

All right?

A whole Reese.

And then on top of that
I put a mess of caramel.

All right?

And we call that cookie Niggers.

Now, I sense a
little apprehension.

OK?

It's going to be a very
tough first five years.

I'm not lying to you.

All right?

But thank God I'm a strong man.

And I can take this,
the criticism that's

going to come after
this airs, trust me.

I know, I'm going to-- it's
all going to come at me.

OK?

But I think I'm right, man.

I think we can do it.

If we just get over ourselves.

You know, we come into this
world a clean slate, you know?

Everything we
know, hate and love

is all learned behavior, OK?

If we've learned these hateful
words we can unlearn them.

Or we can transmogrify
these words

into something that doesn't
hurt anyone's feelings, OK?

That's what I want to do.

I want to make calling
someone those hateful words as

benign as calling someone a
Fig Newton or a Chips Ahoy.

Like,
whoa, be careful when

you go down to Houston.

Ever since Katrina them
Fig Newton's is crazy.

They shooting everybody, calling
even just simple Chips Ahoy

people like me, they're just
killing regular old Chips Ahoy

folks like me over a pair
of Converse All Stars.

Those Fig Newtons
are crazy, son.

They be killing everybody.

Now why does that sound funny?

Because it's
preposterous, all right?

I took every racial slur
and just subbed it out

for a delicious cookie.

All right?

And no one was offended.

And--and by the way, your
hesitation is correct,

all right?

But you're not really the
people I'm trying to change, OK?

You're not the ones.

You're evolved, OK?

You're all people that
have gone to school, people

of different races,
that have been on teams.

And if you were going to
win you had work together.

And race didn't matter, OK?

It was-- it was whatever
helmet you were wearing

or whatever jersey
you were wearing.

That was your team.

Maybe you've loved
someone of interracial.

Maybe you've made a
beautiful interracial baby.

Maybe you just found love
in someplace that you know,

society doesn't
necessarily think is right.

But it happens to be somebody
of a different color.

And trust me, when
it comes to love

it's too hard to
be-- to get specific.

It's too hard, OK?

If you fall in love with
somebody, regardless

of their color, or their
religion or whatever,

you know, crap society tells you
is wrong, then just love them.

That's all that matters.

Just love them.

All right?

Same sex, just love them.

It's easy, it's easy.

It's really easy, all right?

I want to change
the racist people.

OK?

Those are the guys that want
to mentally mess up, OK?

I want them saying
things they thought

they would never say, OK?

Now remember, one by
bite of this cookie,

you're instantly addicted.

And you have a face

All right.

What the
hell kind of cookie is that?

Oh my god, these
niggers are amazing.

I love niggers.

Wow, what is that?

What is

Let me try one of
these wetback cookies.

Oh God, that's a
good-ass cookie too.

I love wetbacks and niggers.

This is a-- wait, these
are Jewish cookies?

Oh my god.

They're almost as
good as the wetback.

Oh, they're better, they're
extra Jewy, oh, I love them.

Oh.

god, and they're cheaper
than the wetbacks.

They're awesome.

And then guess what?

In 10 years the racist people
don't have any more ammunition

to be hateful, OK?

So they're left with one option,
to get along with the program,

OK?

To be like everybody
else and go,

you know, I guess there's
no problem with that person

because of their skin color or
who they pray to or whatever.

I don't care.

It doesn't affect
me in the least.

I don't care.

All right?

And then as a nation
we all benefit.

I bet within 10 years
we're all looking forward

to Girl Scout nigger time.

How many boxes did you get?

42.

42, you fat bastard.

Hey, with 42 you
get the t-shirt.

I love niggers.

I had to get it.

They're delicious.

So good.

You ever eat them cold?

I put them in the deep freezer
and eat them by the sleeve.

They're delicious.

Get the munchies, they'll just
kick those munchies in the ass.

People, some of you
think this is just a joke

and it might just end
up being a joke, OK?

But wouldn't this
be nice if this

was the catalyst for
something, that we

have an awakening in this
country we realize instead

of burying our
heads in the sand,

that these words are out there.

And then we leave them
for our next children,

that we're doing our
children a disservice.

If we allow anyone to be hurt.

You know, I got to
be honest with you.

In my whole life I've never
heard anybody actively

try to get rid of these words.

You know?

Somebody's got to.

Let it be me.

You know what I mean?

Now, I feel like I've
given you a big old dinner.

But I haven't given
you any dessert.

So here you go.

I know tonight's a date
night for a lot of y'all.

A lot of y'all, you
know, some of you drove

in from hours and hours away.

You know, it's a date night.

You know, date nights you
got to take her out to eat.

And that's expansive.

And times are tough.

And so you're trying to
get off on the cheap,

like all you want
is a cheeseburger.

And she wants a steak.

And-- and uh, she's like,
uh, uh, you're like,

you know, like, I want a steak.

And you're like, what?

Oh, I heard they have steak down
at the Golden Corral buffet.

And she's like,
yeah, I--I heard they

had it at The
Capital Grille too.

Damnit.

Damnit.

You go to that Capital Grille.

And the cheapest
cut of meet is $52.

You're like, $52?

What kind of meat is that?

Dragon?

OK, the potato
don't come with it?

How much d

Whole the hell
picked that potato?

White people?

You go back and get
me a Mexican potato.

I ain't too proud.

Then you come to the show.

And you--you drop, you
know, 60, $70 in tickets.

And the first thing she does
when she gets in the door

is go get a $12 drink.

And you're mad as hell.

You're like, bitch you
better eat that ice.

Ooh.

Put that cup in your pocketbook.

We're taking that cup with us.

$12, I bought that cup, bitch.

I bought that cup.

You're going to wash that cup.

We're going to reuse
that disposal cup.

That cup's coming home with us.

I'm going to be drinking my
milk out of that cup bitch.

You uh, you go through all
this and-- and at the end

of the night, all
you really want guys,

is to go home, you know,
just relax, you know, uh,

get a good hummer, you know,
uh, maybe put her legs up.

I don't know.

Throw her a
and uh, maybe get

a waffle in the morning.

That--that's pretty
simple, right?

Right, I know.

Life is easy, isn't it?

It's not that hard.

All right?

And I heard some
of you ladies take

umbrage with that phrase
catching a stabbing in relation

to you and your
mate's lovemakings.

I'm sorry girls,
but that's how men

think when we spend
hundreds of dollars

on a girl we've been
banging for a long time.

I'm going to wreck this monkey.

This is-- just-- ooh, Capital
Grille, you .

It's going to have a
speech impediment when

I get through with it.

It's going to have a
stutter and a slur.

I'm--

I know you might not
agree with my politicking.

But if I make that
happen for you

I know I made a fan for life.

And that's what I'm in
the business of doing, OK?

So to that effort
I'm going to try.

Now, ladies, at first
you're not going

to like what I have to say.

And girls, your
natural instinct is

going to want to get lippy and
mouth up and say something.

But y'all need to hush up.

Because a man's
talking, all right?

Such a dick.

I'm such a dick.

Well, let's be honest.

Girl's, y'all's oral
over the last 10,

15 years have fallen way off.

And every great
category of a good one,

y'all are seriously deficient.

Suction, saliva, stroke,
frequency and duration,

all garbage.

All garbage.

It's ours girls, we've
had it our whole lives.

We might know a
little bit about it.

Maybe if you listened to us, we
could expedite your endeavor.

But oh no, no, you know
everything, don't you girls?

Get your hands off my head.

Get your hands off my head.

I know what I'm doing, OK?

I know what I'm doing.

No you don't.

I clearly just understood
every word you just said.

Therefore, it is impossible
that you know what you're doing.

If you knew what
you were doing this

would sound like a conversations
at the dentist's office.

(IMITATING SOMEONE
WITH MOUTH FULL)

Oh, you just got a
new refrigerator, huh?

(IMITATING SOMEONE WITH MOUTH
FULL) Oh, is that a Whirlpool?

Those must be nice. (IMITATING
SOMEONE WITH MOUTH FULL)

You got the water in the
door? (IMITATING SOMEONE

WITH MOUTH FULL)

What happened to getting
the boys wet girls?

hate to break it to you
ladies, uh, good ones

are like Little League
baseball, everybody plays.

Everybody plays.

And you're a bunch of
quitters, quitters.

Two minutes, two
minutes, my jaw hurts.

My jaw hurts.

Really?

Was it-- was it hurting
all day long when

you were talking my ear off?

Was it hurting then?

Seemed to be working
pretty good then.

Meanwhile, they want us done
in their little honeycomb

hideout for an hour.

Fellas, you ever be down
there so long you can't even

use your tongue no more,
you done wore it out?

And that little thing
under your tongue

was all frayed and sore as hell.

So you can't even
lick it not more.

You got to lip it.

You're like--

And you come up.

Are you done yet?

No, not yet.

Really?

Because you know I've been
down here for an hour, right?

You know that right?

Yes.

Never once, not once.

Not one in an hour.

Really?

Really?

You were squeezing my
head every five minutes

like you're trying to
break open a coconut.

Really?

No, no, no.

Really?

I was tapping out there,
I couldn't breath, OK?

L--Look at my hands.

I look like I've been
swimming too long.

This is messed up.

I gave you every good
fingerblast I've ever heard of.

Old school, ET, Cops
and Robbers, Shotgun,

Chinese Finger Torture,
Cigarette Machine,

like that one,
don't they fellas?

Cigarette machine?

Oh, look for change
in the payphone.

Look for change in the payphone.

Wait, is that a nickel?

You better get that nickel.

Is that a nickel right there?

What is that?

I don't know, uh, maybe.

Shocker, Shocker the next
generation, the Vulcan,

Nanu Nanu, Fonzi, Siskel
and Ebert, Sony PlayStation,

the Boy Scout-- on my
honor, I will do my best

to do my duty to
God and my country

and obey the scout--
shadow puppet

dogs, and third-grade
fortune teller.

Oh
my god, I'm so close!

OK, what's your favorite color?

Huh?

W

Lavender?

Lavender?

L-A-V-- Purple, P-U-R-P-L-E.
Oh my god,

oh my god.

Ladies, what if I told you I
could improve yours by 57%?

Simultaneously
ladies, I guarantee

to cut the time you actually
have to perform by up to 35%.

Interested?

I know, you guys have
been putting it together,

aren't you girls?

You're like, whoa,
whoa, whoa, Ralphie,

Are you telling
me you discovered

a way of doing it
smarter not harder?

Exactly bitches, exactly.

First step, number
one girls, let's

knock of all the bad ones, OK?

You know the angry
ones, when you know,

he wakes you up at
2 AM and knowing

you got to get up at 6:30 with
the kids, this son of a b--

it's like you--
you son of a bitch.

Three licks, really?

Are you owl from the Tootsie
Roll Tootsie Pop commercial?

Three licks?

What?

Gentlemen, we have a part
to play in this as well.

Gentleman in relations we
tend to get complacent.

And when that happens, we tend
to take our women for granted.

And when that happens
women don't feel sexy.

If you want a wildcat
in the sack, fellas,

you've got to make her
fee sexy all day long.

Women have to be adored,
loved, pursued, desired, even

inside of a relationship, OK?

Every day.

Gentlemen, that means foreplay
begins when you wake up.

You're waking up and you're
taking your morning whiz.

She's coming out of the
shower drying off, you know?

And her legs and that peach
meat sneaking out the back,

grab that monkey let her
know she's alive, OK?

Let her know she's
alive.

Stop, you're crazy,
get away from me.

You're crazy.

I'm a gorilla, bitch.

You're lucky I don't have
you bent over that sink

looking at toothpaste stains.

You're lucky.

Stop, you're crazy.

You made me crazy
woman, you're so sexy.

I can't help myself.

Stop.

They love it.

Flirt with them.

Why not?

Be funny about it.

When y'all are by yourself
guys, bring it out.

Wag it at her.

Look, look, look.

Look, look. it looks like a
little baby bunny, doesn't it?

It does.

Touch the bunny.

Touch the bunny.

Touch the bunny.

Touch the bunny.

It's going to get you.

It's going to get you.

Oh, that bunny's getting
bigger, isn't he?

Yes he is.

That's a medium bunny, isn't it?

Yes it is.

Now just nuzzle that bunny.

Mm.

Mm, so soft.

Now suck that bunny!

Here comes
Peter Cottontail,

hopping down the bunny trail.

Gentlemen, you know the number
one reason they don't do it?

It's our own hygiene, OK?

Stinky, OK?

That's the number
one they don't.

Girls, never allow this
to be a problem for you.

Attack your man when he
comes out of the shower.

Let me tell you
something about your guy.

Every guy in here washes his
junk three times every shower.

Soap, shampoo, conditioner, OK?

When he comes out
of the shower, he

might not have touched
his feet since 2002.

His junk, spotless, spotless.

Take the towel off of him.

Put the towel on the ground.

Place your knees on the
towel, cushioning your knees,

making for a more
ergonomically correct position.

See girls?

We--

You've got to take matters
into your own hands,

so to say, all right?

Grab it.

Look up at him and go, I'm a
dirty, naughty little girl.

Yes you are.

I'm about to cover your
face with enough DNA

to film three episodes of
CSI, you filthy animal.

Oh, my god, is this hot.

Sweet Jesus!

Yeah, then girls, I want you to
look it right in its eye, OK?

Look it right in its eye.

And then spit right on it.

Puh, spit right in its eye.

And then close your
eyes and commit.

Now girls, the reason I
ask you to close your eyes

is so you don't
happen to look up

and creeped out by the
look on your man's face.

We will creep you
out if you look up.

Don't.

We're creepy as it gets, OK?

All right?

Don't look up.

We look rapey as hell up there.

We're like, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, oh yeah.

Ah!

Don't look up.

Now, some girls go, Ralphie,
if I don't have my eyes open

how far will I
know to, you know?

Good question girls.

Ladies, its generally
thought of by men

that the proper depth on any
good one is If uh,

you make it to , perfect.

Just hit that mark every stroke.
, , , ,

, , .

Within two minutes Jerry
Lewis will magically appear.

Oh god!

Oh lady!

Wow how!

Awesome.

Done.

Now, there's woman amongst
you girls that didn't even

need this conversation,
right ladies?

There's women here
right now that

are bona fide dirty, dirty,
little naughty girls.

And you'll know these women
by the amount of diamonds

and jewelry they have
on their body and parts.

The more diamonds and jewelry
they have the better they are.

I like you.

You're the-- hilarious.

She's like, look
at this necklace.

Look at this--
Look at this ring.

Look at this.

You've got a champion
right there, OK?

These are women that learned
a long time ago the fastest

way to free jewelry is
sucking some mean dick.

You suck it well, you're
going to get good jewelry.

What do you BJ stands for?

Bring Jewelry.

All right?

All right?

Do the whale, girls.

You don't believe me?

Do everything I've said.

And then add a Zales catalog
to the top of your head.

, , , ,
, , , ,

, , ,
, , , .

Right before he's done he'll be
like, we got to go to the mall.

Now ladies, it's also
about optimizing it, OK?

Getting the most bang
for your buck, OK?

Look girls, one at home,
on the couch or the bed,

while very much appreciated,
still only counts as one.

One to one, OK?

Now, change locations.

Like say, not at
home but rather,

in the car ride home
on the way home.

Now your one has become eight.

Because that's freaky.

Freaky, we start
growing in numbers, OK?

All right?

And when it comes to a
roadie, if you get a roadie,

that's awesome.

That--that's--that's
motherload, OK, no pun intended.

All right?

Uh--

One to eight.

Now, I don't know the state
flower of every state.

But I think it's an orange
construction barrel.

And I uh-- I know
one thing you do

have is a mess of
unnecessary traffic.

Girls, what you
need to do is use

that time to work on
a project for you.

Earn you some jewelry
girls, get you some.

When you do that in the
car three times a week,

that dummy of yours will
think he got 24 in a week.

Guess what?

You just became a unicorn.

You are a magical,
mythical creature

that we've all heard about
but never seen before.

What--What does that
unicorn even eat?

I don't know, maybe
carats of diamonds, here.

Be sure to tuck
your h-- finger in.

Here you go.

Watch your finger.

Now, I know there's girls
out there mad at me,

screw you fatty.

I am not going to
do that for jewelry.

If he loves me he would
just buy me jewelry.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, you're adorable.

OK, don't believe me, fine.

Enjoy your hallmark
card on Valentine's Day.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
so are my balls, thanks to you.

Come on girls, (SINGING
KAY JEWELERS JINGLE)

Every kiss begins with .

Thank you everybody.

I love you so much.

I got to go.

Y'all have been great.

Thank you very much.