All language subtitles for Young.Wives.Tale.1951.1080p.BluRay.REMUX.AVC.FLAC.2.0-EPSiLON

(calm music)

(upbeat music)

(babies crying)

Mrs. Pennant!

What is it, Nanny?

Will you kindly come up
and deal with your child?

He refuses to come out of his bath.

Oh, Nanny. Can't you cope?

No, I can't. He's upsetting my Elizabeth.

(babies continue crying)

Rodney, you'll have to come

and do something about Valentine.

What?

Rodney, Valentine won't
come out of his bath,

and Nanny's absolutely furious.

Oh, really Sabina.

It would save a little trouble,

if you'd bath little Valentine yourself.

Save who a lot of trouble?

Everybody.

After all, she's Mary's nanny, not ours.

You shouldn't ask her
to do things for you.

Then she wouldn't be able to grumble.

(shushing)

Will you come out with that bath?

No, I won't. (laughing)

Horrid little boy.

I'm so sorry, Nanny.

In future I'll just have to
bath him myself, that's all.

I'm very willing to
help you on occasion.

But you would have to
discipline the child.

That's all right, darling.

Well, young man?

I won't, I won't go.

Come out of that bath,
before I get cross.

No.

Why don't you just pick him up?

You try.

(Valentine laughing)

You see?

Oh, darling. You are clever.

Why can't you think for
yourselves occasionally?

Miss Mary's not paying
me for you, Mrs. Pennant.

How do I do that?

Hey, why don't you drowned
her while you're about it?

Now.

(babies continue crying)

(marching band music)

(phone ringing)

(furniture crashing)
(phone continues ringing)

Hello! Who do you want?

Oh. I'm sorry, Mary.

I've had nothing but
interruptions this evening.

That's right, my son, your daughter,

Nanny, Sabina, and now a boys bugle band.

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt you again.

But I wanted to remind
Sabina about Nanny's tea.

Twice this week she's complained to me

she's had to get it herself.

I don't see why Sabina
should wait on the old-

- Now, Rodney. She does help
with Valentine, you know.

Rodney, I know.

But just to try and find another one.

(laughing)

All right.

Ooh, if Bruce gets home first,

tell him I won't be late, will you?

Goodbye.

Goodbye, yes. Goodbye.

Make me a good boy.

Make me a good boy.

Bless Mommy and Daddy.

Bless Mommy and Daddy.

Bless Nanny.

No!

Go on now, kind little boy. Bless Nanny.

No.

(Nanny huffs)

(laughing)

- You're a wicked one.
- You're a wicked one.

(calm music)

Rodney, did you knock
my clean things over?

I did not.

They were burning.

I went across to move
them, and they fell over.

Well, why didn't you pick them up?

I haven't time to do your
work, as well as my own.

Oh, darling. I know
it's difficult for you.

But don't forget, if Mary
and Bruce hadn't taken us in,

we'd still be looking
for somewhere to live.

You call this living?

(tea kettle whistling)

The kettle!

Hey, close the door!

What's the matter, darling?

It's impossible to be
creative in this atmosphere,

what with whistling kettles,
and whistling draughts.

Well, at least the whistling draughts

won't bother you anymore.

I found a screen.

I bet you had to pay
through the nose for it.

Haven't got to pay for
anything. I borrowed it.

Who from?

Victor.

Oh.

Why do you say oh, like that?

Oh, I'm sorry. I should have said, oh.

You're being extremely
childish about Victor.

He's been very kind to us.

Very kind to you, you mean.

Well, anyway he's got three
screens and he only uses two.

So he said I could have the other one.

That's disgusting,
having all those screens.

What do you mean?

Well, only a flirty sort of fellow

would have three screens.

Don't be absurd.

Oh my goodness. I've forgotten
to put out Nanny's tea.

I'm so sorry, Nanny.

It's quite all right, madam.

Oh dear. Somebody's been
at the chicken I'm afraid.

There's only one leg left.

A leg will do nicely, madam.

Let me help you with your salad.

Thank you, madam.

(Sabina growling)

(iron slams down)

(iron slams a second time)

What's the matter,
darling? No inspiration?

It's no good, Sabina.

I can't work with you fitting
in and out, and ironing.

Well, I don't see why
ironing should disturb you.

(iron slams down)

It doesn't make any noise, does it?

It makes a clatter every time you

put it on that damn little iron thing.

All right, Rodney.

I'll put it down so quietly,
I promise you won't hear it.

Oh, no.

Well, what's the matter now?

Now I shall be listening
to see if I can hear it.

Very well.

I'll leave the rest of
the ironing till tomorrow,

and go and sit up in the bedroom.

Sabina.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm being irritable, but
it's just one of those days.

I know, darling.

It's not your fault I can't work.

I'm just not in the mood.

I know what.

What?

You're going to relax
completely for a bit.

Oh, I know darling.

But I really want to get on with my work.

No, you're going to lie down here,

and let the work go for a bit.

Well, who's gonna mend my typewriter?

Nevermind about your typewriter.

And now, cross your hands.

You relaxed yet?

Well, not completely.

That's because you're still thinking.

Try and make your mind a blank.

Make my mind a blank?

Yes, don't think about anything at all.

Oh, I don't think I
can possibly do that.

Well, very well if you must think,

think about something
pleasant and soothing, like

a boat drifting slowly down
the stream on a Summer day,

or cattle grazing in a lush meadow.

And which would you prefer?

No darling, it's what you would prefer.

What are you thinking about?

[Rodney] Cattle drifting
down stream in a boat.

Is it helping you to relax?

Not really. One of the
cows keep falling out.

You remember how I used to

stroke your forehead
when you had neuralgia?

It always took it away, didn't it?

Yes, darling. Always.

If I can take away
neuralgia, I ought to be able

to take away worrying
thoughts too, shouldn't I?

Have you stopped thinking yet?

Practically.

Rodney, If I have the gift of taking

worrying thoughts out of your head,

perhaps after you've had a little rest,

and your head's been empty for a while,

I might find I can put some ideas into it.

Darling, you are.

Mrs. Pennant, Mrs. Pennant!

What's the matter with her?

Something's happened to Valentine.

Coming, Nanny.

Is anything wrong, Nanny?

Is it your wish that your Valentine

should be in bed with my Elizabeth?

Certainly not.

You must put him back
in his own bed at once.

I would prefer it if
you did that yourself.

- You're a bad, bad boy.
- Mommy's very cross with you.

In my opinion, the child
deserves a sound spanking.

Are you gonna spank Elizabeth?

Elizabeth? Of course not.

Elizabeth did nothing to encourage him.

How you girls stick together.

And what do you mean by that remark?

I mean, I can't believe any son of mine

would enter a ladies bed uninvited.

Could the child encourage
him? She can't talk.

There are other ways.

Anyway, you don't know what happened.

You were having your tea.

And if I was? I suppose
I must eat sometime.

Well, of course you must.

I beg your pardon.

I thought you were insinuating something.

Really, Nanny. What
is the matter with you?

Everything, it appears.

Mrs. Banning is entitled
to find fault with me.

But I would remind you that anything I do

for your child, I do to oblige you.

Oblige, my foot.

You're doing it to make
it worth your while.

Be quiet, Rodney.

I will not be quiet Rodney.

I won't be intimidated by
you, even though you did

play fullback for the
Norland Institute, in 1881.

Rodney, how could you?

Nanny, wait.

And I'll tell you
something else, Madam Blott.

You have a very peculiar face.

Rodney.

I'd be glad if you'd keep
your husband's tone to yourself!

You idiot.

That's the way to talk to them.

It will have it's affect, you'll see.

I don't doubt it. We'd
better try and apologise.

Oh, Nanny I'm terribly sorry.

[Nanny] I've never been
so insulted in my life.

[Sabina] I sure he wasn't-

- [Rodney] Ah, Eve. Heaven
sent you in my hour of need.

I want your help.

Just let me slip up to my room first.

You can slip up in a
moment. This is urgent.

Eve darling, can you explain,
as a professional typist,

why every letter on this machine works

with the exception of the letter B?

Do suppose it doesn't want
me to type rude words?

But you wouldn't, would you?

Darling, I adore you.

I wish you wouldn't
say things like that.

Why not? We all adore you.

- I didn't mean that part.
- I mean calling me, darling.

I don't think you ought to.

Ooh. You do feel strongly
about it, don't you?

It must seem ridiculous
to you, but you see.

Oh, I can't tell you.

Oh, I wish you would.

I mean, as a writer, I'm
interested in psychology.

Well, if you really think
I can help you in your work.

Oh, yes.

I'll try to explain.

I suppose it's hard for
a man to understand,

but for woman some words,
sweet enough in themselves,

like perfume, can only
call up bitter memories.

You explained it beautifully, dear.

By the way, I suppose it's
all right to call you dear?

Yes, of course.

Eve, dear.

Don't you think you're a bit
young to have had a past?

You can be disillusioned at any age.

Poor Eve.

Listen to me, Nanny.

You listen to me, madam.

All writers are temperamental sometimes.

He didn't mean it.

I think you are being very unreasonable.

- Unreasonable?
- (clothes rack crashing)

You see? That's what happens
when we lose our temper.

Well, it should work all right now.

Thanks, darling, dear. That's fine.

What ever is the matter?

- That woman.
- Oh dear.

Honest, I wouldn't
have that old so-and-so

as a Nanny if I were paid to.

Would you like me to
type of description of her?

What on Earth for?

I now I have my full
alphabet working again.

Little darlings. What's the matter here?

(babbling)

I'm afraid I don't quite-

(babbling)

Oh, dear.

(Elizabeth crying)
(knocking on door)

Come in.

Sorry to bother you Nanny,
but Elizabeth's crying.

Let them.

Oh, Nanny you're not leaving?

I am.

Unless Mrs. Banning gives
that Pennant man notice to go.

I don't think you should

speak about Mr. Pennant like that.

Why not, pray?

He's only a paying guest
here, same as yourself.

(Elizabeth scream crying)

Here you are. Listen to this.

You're always saying I
can't write dialogue.

Men don't understand.

But for women some words,
sweet enough in themselves,

like perfume, can only
call up bitter memories.

There. Has that got feeling, or hasn't?

It's beautiful darling.

But, would anybody talk like that?

You don't think they would?

Well, I may be wrong darling. But no.

No, I don't think they would.

Well, your are wrong, darling.

As a matter of fact, those very words

were spoken in this room
only a few minutes ago.

Who by?

By Eve.

Poor Eve. Mind you,
I'm very fond of Eve.

I'm very sorry her for her, but-

- But. Now comes the catty bit.

Not catty at all.

I was only going to say
she must forget this man,

whoever he was, sometime, and
look around for someone else.

That's what you'd do in her place?

Yes, I would.

Well, I'm sure you would.

You'd start picking over the possibles

before I was cold in my grave.

You are cruel.

And you, on the other hand, are shadow.

Although you've left the
stage for over three years,

you still can't resist putting on an act,

even though it's for an audience of one.

The trouble with you, is
you can't stand criticism.

Well, of course I can.

But it's a bit galling when
you immediately pour cold water

on the best bit of dialogue
I've produced for weeks.

You didn't produce it, Eve did.

- But I recognised its merit.
- Which is more than you did.

Whenever I say what
you write is wonderful,

I'm a good critic.

If I criticise, I don't
know anything about it.

All right, then. I shan't
write the flaming thing at all.

I'll write a story about a wife

who tries to help her husband,
and who doesn't natter.

That will be something new.

May I ask what my hat was
doing on the draining board?

If you want to know,

I was trying to get that
ink stain out with milk.

Thank you.

All that remains now is to get
the milk stain out with ink.

(mumbling)

Hello, Mary.

What are staring at?

I'm always fascinated by wasted energy.

(grunting)

Of course there's no harm in

relieving your feelings, so long as-

- So long as what?

So long as you're not enjoying it.

No jolly good, but they've begun to.

It's a little difficult
to be sympathetic

every time you and Rodney have a row.

How'd you know we've had a row?

I met him as I came
in. He was muttering.

When he mutters, I could.

Mary, do you think it's my fault

we have all these squabbles?

It's the fault of both of you.

Thank you, darling.

You know what I think it is?

It's been together 24 hours a day.

If only Rodney could get
a room out to work in.

I know. I wish we had another room.

Oh darling, don't think I'm ungrateful.

You couldn't have done
more, to be my sister.

Probably have done less.

How can a romance and marriage

survive the sort of life we lead?

Personally, I never deluded myself

you could take romance into marriage.

Wings are to fly with, not walk with.

Do like tinned fish balls?

No, nor do I. But fish
balls it'll have to be.

That's the sort of thing

that takes the magic out of marriage.

You can't live forever

on a diet of wedding cake, you know?

It's terribly important to
keep the romantic side alive.

Whenever I feel Rodney and I
drifting apart, I think back.

I compare us as we are, with what we were.

Makes me want to cry.

Do you ever think back to when
Bruce fell in love with you?

Of course. Afraid it
makes me want to laugh.

That's just the difference between us.

Darling, I couldn't bear

to see you start peeling your fingers.

You see, our meeting was so romantic.

He came to the theatre one
night to see the play I was in

and fell in love with me at sight.

I didn't know. I only had a tiny part.

Perhaps that was why.

He came every night for fortnight,

loving me more and more.

He started in row M, and
finished up in row A.

If that isn't romance.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

No, it's Mary. Do you want to talk to her?

It's Rodney.

Tell him I'm lying down.

[Mary] She's lying down.

What did he say?

He says he only believes
the lying part of it.

He wants to talk to you.

Yes?

Yes, Rodney I know you.

You saying that because you've had

a few drinks, or do you mean it?

Oh, darling. What?

Wait a minute. I'll ask Mary.

Mary, do you think you could
cope if I went out to dinner?

Yes.

Oh. Bless you, darling.

Yes, it's all right. Savoy? Heavenly.

Bye, darling.

Oh, Mary. Thanks awfully.

You must say for Rodney, he
does know how to apologise.

Hello, Bruce.

What on Earth?

What she is so excited about?

Hello, darling. She's
going out to dinner.

Who with?

Rodney.

Oh, another row. Who's fault this time?

I don't know. They both
behave like a couple of kids.

I suppose it is being together
all day, as Sabina said.

Oh, we're quite glad to see each other

at the end of the day, aren't we?

Well, I gave you the opening.

Oh, I don't have to tell
you I'm glad to see you.

No, but it'd be rather nice if you did.

All the same, there is
something in what Sabina says.

I doubt if we could survive,

living in the same room
all day and everyday.

Nonsense. It's a completely
fallacious argument.

According to Sabina, we'd be glad to still

see each other at the end of the week.

It's a pity one of us
doesn't live in Rhodesia.

Think how glad we should be

to see each other at the end of the year.

If you follow the thing
to is logical conclusions,

the only way to be happily
married is to live apart.

It very often is.

- Oh, by the way.
- Thank you.

Do you want to eat in or out?

Well, I don't want to go
out. I've only just come in.

Well in that case, it'll
have to be out of a tin.

There you are.

That's what our civilization
has brought us to,

baked beans, canned food,
canned music, potted psychology.

It makes me sick.

Dear old reactionary, aren't you?

You should lived 100 years ago.

Yes, I wish I had.

Do you know on my present income,

I could have had a large
house in the country?

We could have kept horses and servants,

had wine to drink, and meat to eat.

We could have sat under
the cedars on the lawn

and played with our six children.

Oh? You'd have had six children?

[Bruce] Certainly.

Not with this wife, you wouldn't.

Oh, with a hearty buxom wife

who'd adore me and the children,

who'd spend her time between
the kitchen and the dairy,

and the nursery and the garden.

What a revolting picture.

- For who?
- Me.

May I point out that
she wouldn't be you,

and therefore she might enjoy it?

Which reminds me of you been
up to see Elizabeth yet?

No, I expect she's asleep.

She may be dead.

No. Nanny would have told me.

I wonder if I can find a taxi.

Take a bus.

Don't be silly. In this dress?

(humming)

(phone ringing)
(mimics phone ringing)

Oh.

Do you like it?

No, I prefer you in dungarees.

Attractive women shouldn't
need artificial aids to beauty.

Do you think I'm attractive?

That was a generalisation,
and not to be taken personally.

(horn honking)

It's Victor. He's brought the screen.

Oh no.

Hello, Victor.

Hello, darling. I'm as
good as my word, you see.

Come and give me a hand, old man.

[Sabina] You're an absolute angel.

I wouldn't say that.

Evening, Manifold.

Evening, Banning, old boy.

Ha ha.

I told Rodney you were
bringing the screen.

He was awfully glad.

I beg your pardon, sir.

On Earths Banning up to,
extraordinary fella. I don't know.

Come on Banning, old chap.

Now, where would you like it, darling?

Over here I think.

No, I think over there would be better.

Over there, old man.

Be careful with it.

Oh Victor, it's lovely.

And so are you, if I may say so.

Thank you, darling. I'm
just going out to dinner.

In fact I should be there now,
if only I could find a taxi.

Oh, don't worry about taxis.

I'll drive you anywhere you want to go.

I feel like a wash.

Well, what's the matter?

Nothing. Just I feel like a wash.

Pull.

Whiskey.

Victor, where on Earth did you get it?

Don't ask silly questions, darling.

Let's have a drink before we go.

I hate to be inhospitable,
but I'm late already.

Well, you can't refuse me
a drink of my own whiskey.

Oh, darling. Of course have a drink.

No, no no. Not for me, thank you.

Are you sure?

Wherever have you got to be, and when?

The Savoy, five minutes ago.

And who is giving the party?

- There's no party.
- I'm dining with Rodney.

Well, then we needn't hurry.

(knocking on door)

Come in.

Nanny, I wonder if you'd mind.

Oh Nanny, no.

Time for another?

Well, there wasn't
really time for that one.

Don't worry, darling.

Husband's will always wait, unfortunately.

Excuse me.

Not off yet?

No, just going. Had a nice wash?

No, the water was stone cold,

the towels were sopping wet,
and there wasn't any soap.

Oh, Bruce I'm terribly sorry.

But the chemistry only had
that awful antiseptic stuff-

- You like Chanel's Gardenia?

I can get you as much as you want.

Oh, Victor can you? Heavenly.

Mary, Victor says he can
get us some Chanel Gardenia.

It would be more to the point

if he could get us a new nanny.

Oh, Mary. She isn't leaving?

Oh, and I did everything I
could to smooth her down.

You didn't succeed.

I'm terribly sorry.

So am I.

Oh dear.

Well I suppose I'd better not go out now.

Nonsense. Of course you must go.

Rodney is waiting for you.

Well, if you're sure it's all right.

We may as well go then.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

Oh, unwholesome type.

Victor?

Yeah. Chanel, Gardenia.

What's the matter with Wright's Coal Tar?

Nothing, darling.

If you like Wright's Coal Tar,

I'll give you a cake for your birthday.

I require some assistance
with my trunk, Mr. Banning.

Hey, what's this for?

The whiskey.

Don't be silly. I meant it as a present.

I'm thinking what Rodney would think.

That I had designs on you?

Just because I give you
two bottles of whiskey?

Two bottles of whiskey.

He'd probably think you're
designs had succeeded.

Then he's a poor psychologist.

Why?

Well if they had, it'd
be one bottle, not two.

All the same, I prefer to pay for it.

All right, if you insist.

Does this entitle me

to make love to you
with a clear conscience?

No, darling.

Oh, Victor. I don't play fair, do I?

I let you help me, and do things for me

while Rodney was away and I didn't-

- I didn't expect you to.

You're not the sort of
woman to be unfaithful

to her husband behind his back.

Thank you, darling.

That's why I was so
pleased when he came home.

(trunk bangs)
(door slams)

Well, the old battleship
has steamed off.

Where do we go from here?

Find another one, if
it's humanly possible.

I suppose you wouldn't consider

looking after Elizabeth
yourself, would you?

What about my job?

Oh yes, your job.

(Elizabeth crying)

Tails.

(Elizabeth continues crying)

(calm music)

Happy, darling?

Oh, blissfully.

But you know, darling,

it's not so much the
champaign and the music,

or the glamour and excitement.

I know, darling.

It's being with the one
person who really matters.

It's knowing somebody
else will do the washing up.

(both laughing)

(Elizabeth crying)

Well, you might wait
until I've finished.

(Elizabeth continues crying)

Hey, where's my fountain pen?

On the dresser.

I borrowed it to write out
an advertisement for a nanny.

You've been advertising every day

for a fortnight, without
a single reply yet.

(Elizabeth continues crying)

Oh, Valentine stop teasing Elizabeth.

Where is it? I can't see it.

Excuse me, old man.

- Oh, morning.
- There there, there there.

I wish you wouldn't borrow my things.

Nothing belongs to me in this house.

Why can't I have things of our own?

Stop that, won't you?

What's the matter with you?

Oh Sabina don't. Please don't.

I'm sorry Bruce. I didn't
mean to shout at you.

Of course you didn't.

You're just a bit on edge, that's all.

Looking after Elizabeth
as well as Valentine

is obviously too much for you.

No, it's not the children.

It's trying to cook, and clean,

and wash up all at the same time.

Yes, I know.

You know, Mary aught to give up her job,

and do her share of the work.

I suppose you're being
pretty tough on her.

Well, it's obvious
something has to be done.

We can't go on as we
are. The result's chaos.

What do you mean, chaos?

Precisely what I say.

I mean meals late, everything anyhow.

Hardly anything is anyhow.

What about lunch yesterday?

[Sabina] What about it?

What time did we eventually have it?

Half past one.

Half past one? Try for two.

Can I help it if the clock stopped?

[Bruce] Oh, haven't you gone yet?

I'm taking the day off.

I'm determined to find a nanny today,

or perish in the attempt.

Do you really think there's any hope?

I mean we've tried every
employment agency in London.

Who said anything about
employment agencies?

Your hat, sir. Your hat, sir. (laughing)

(calm music)

Oh, what a little
darling. How old is she?

It's a he.

He really is a lovely child.

You can have him.

Why, what do you mean?

What I said.

Oh, forgive me but, well it seems

that you're not quite
happy in your present post.

If you're considering making a change-

- I certainly am.

Well, as it happens I'm
looking for a new nanny.

- Well, don't look at me.
- I'm going to join the police.

Stop following me, young woman.

Or I'll call the park keep
and give you in charge.

But Nanny, I'm simply

putting a business proposition to you.

I've heard about girls
being tempted by strangers

with promises of high
wages and an easy life.

How many of them have
ever been seen again?

(upbeat music)

Good afternoon.

Please don't think me
impertinent, but I'm desperate-

(speaking in foreign language)

I suppose you couldn't help me? I'm tying-

(continues speaking in foreign language)

You don't happen to know of anybody-

(continues speaking in foreign language)

(calm music)
(children playing)

Lovely afternoon, isn't it?

Lovely.

Does me good to watch little
ones enjoying themselves.

Just look at them. Bless
their little hearts.

Bless them.

I come here every afternoon.

Of course I'm retired now,

but somehow I'm not happy
without children around me.

Once a nanny, always a nanny, I suppose.

Excuse me, my dear.

But are you feeling quite all right?

♪ Bah bah black sheep have you any wool ♪

♪ Yes sir yes sir three bags full ♪

♪ One for the master one for the dame ♪

♪ One for the boy on the lane ♪

No good?

No.

Well, you go to sleep, you
rascal. Good night you, then.

(Valentine babbling)

(banging on door)

What's all the fuss about, huh?

Hey. steady on, darling.
What's the matter?

Oh Rodney, it was awful.

- Awful?
- A man.

A man?

Who followed me all
the way from the tube.

When I walked faster, he'd walk fast.

And finally I ran.

- There there, darling.
- You'll get over it.

Look, why don't you run upstairs
and lie down a little bit.

You'll feel better then.

Yes, I think I will.

That's a good girl.

Yes, you've had quite a shock.

By Jove. That girl
Eve can certainly walk.

I've been trying to catch her
up all the way from the tube.

Well, you frightened her out
of her life, let me tell you.

Oh, so that was it
was it? Well, well well.

Don't you realise by now
that to Eve, the entire

male population consists
of Don Juans and Casanovas?

You'd better apologise.

I wouldn't disillusion
her for the world.

Can I give you a hand,
Sabina? Let me take this.

Oh, yes. Could you lay the table?

Yes, of course. You look all in.

I made the beds yet,

and I must get them done
before Mary comes in.

Dear Sabina, so
delightfully incompetent,

a really womanly woman.

Well, you should thank Heaven for it.

Not when it comes to
burned rice pudding,

and half cooked potatoes.

Here, come on. You can
lend a hand with this.

Yes, if you helped a bit
more with the little things,

you might begin to realise
what Sabina is up against.

Well, she could do it
if only she'd concentrate.

But she can't.

She's wishing all the time
she was doing something else.

She has a fluffy mind.

What do you expect? She's a fluffy type.

Is that meant to be offensive?

Oh, not at all but
you should be thankful

to have a thoroughly feminine wife.

There's no modern nonsense about Sabina.

She knows where a woman's place.

- Yes, The Savoy.
- Rodney?

Do you know where the aspirins are?

You'll find them in the
kitchen, in the Sago tin.

You don't look too bright tonight, Eve.

No, poor Eve.

She had rather an unpleasant
experience on the way home.

I was followed by a man.

Good heavens. What did he look like?

Horrible.

I only looked back once but,

he must've been after me cause he waved.

What a gnome, and impertinent.

That's when I began to run.

Luckily, he was too
old to keep up with me.

What?

You better sit down, and take it easy.

Where is everybody?

I've got the most wonderful news.

I found a nanny.

(all cheering)

Well done, Mary.

The old country can still
muster a nanny in a crisis.

It's one thing to get on
nanny. It's another to keep her.

Well, that's what I
want to talk to you about.

If we're going to keep
this one, we must avoid

the mistakes we made with the last one.

What you are leading up to is that

I must never asked her to do
anything for my Valentine.

Well, that's where we went
wrong before, wasn't it?

She was in our pay, and in the end

she did as much for you as for us.

Well, this time let's share her salary.

Then she'll be equally ours.

Well that's not solution, I'm afraid.

The only thing is to try my idea.

And what is your idea?

Simplicity itself.

We just let Nanny think

that Valentine and Elizabeth
are brother and sister.

Mary, what a brainwave.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

If they're going to
be brother and sister,

that would mean they'd have to have

the same father and mother.

Of course.

And who do you propose the
father and mother should be?

Well, as I'm out all day,

and the mother should be on the spot,

I think it ought to be Rodney and Sabina.

Well, that seems fair enough.

What do you say, Bruce?

What do I say? I say it's
an unnatural arrangement.

Do you seriously expect me to give up

all claim to Elizabeth just like that?

Well, if you feel so
strongly about it Bruce

we could divide the parentage.

You'll be the father,
and I'll be the mother.

Wouldn't seem a little odd,

you and I sleeping in the same room?

Yes, I suppose it would.

Well, the whole thing's ridiculous.

Well, there's no point in arguing Bruce.

As a matter of fact,
it's got to be Sabina.

[Sabina] Why?

Because I tell Nanny it
was for my sister's children.

So we're going to be sisters, are we?

Well, it was the only way

I could persuade her to come to us.

She was telling me how happy
she was in her last job

with June Marriott, the actress.

So I said, well my sister was
in a play with June Marriott,

and that just turned the scales.

Were you in a play with June Marriott?

Yes, and I loathed her.

It was probably mutual.

Personally speaking,

I think you did a very clever job, Mary.

Well it's all and well for you.

What do I become, an uncle?

By marriage, dear.

No, I refuse to accept Rodney
as the father of my child.

Surely rather Rodney,

than some strange man you didn't know.

Well, do you agree or don't you?

Because if you don't, I shall just have

to ring her up and put
the whole thing off.

Oh no, Mary. Don't do that.

I'm sure Bruce wouldn't mind being Uncle,

once he gets used to the idea.

After all, it's worth some sacrifice

to keep a nanny for more than a fortnight.

(all talking at once)

(Elizabeth crying)

Bruce, yours.

Bruce?

(Elizabeth continues crying)

There you are, my man.

Here, missus. You can't
carry them heavy bags.

I'll give you a hand.

Oh I can manage, thank you.

I'm not in my old age yet, you know?

You wouldn't think I'd been mother

to 45 children, would you?

Blimey, no.

It's her.

Well, let's start off
with a good impression.

She can see you too later.

Is this Mrs. Banning? Oh,
yes. How do you do, Mary dear.

Good evening, Nanny. Do come in.

- Let me help you.
- Oh, thank you.

This is my sister, Mrs. Pennant.

How do you do, madam?

Oh, why you're only a baby
yourself, aren't you dear?

[Mary] Shall I show you upstairs, Nanny?

You just follow me.

My sister tells me you were
with June Marriott, Nanny.

- Yes, a delightful woman.
- Not at all like an actress.

Not at all.

Good mother, and a good wife.

And never a breath of scandal.

Never a breath.

This is your room, Nanny.

What a cosy little nest.

I do hope you'll be comfortable.

Bless your heart. I shall be
as snug as a bug in the rug.

Now where's my nursery?

I can't wait to see my babies.

In here, Nanny.

- Well, dear.
- How do you do?

How do you do? Oh, bless his
heart. What lovely manners.

Now what would their ages be?

You mean, how old are they?

Well, that's what I said.

Elizabeth's two.

And Valentine's two and a half.

- Don't be silly, Sabina.
- He must be more than that.

I know how old he is.

Oh, of course I meant that he was

two and a half last birthday.

[Mary] My sister's a
little vague about time.

Not about daily routine, I hope.

I train my children to my rhythm.

Rhythm is essential to regularity,
and regularity is rhythm.

Getting them up, or sitting them down,

the daily timetable must be observed.

Goodness gracious me.

High time that some little people I know

are on their way to bed,
before the Sandman gets them.

You can come up and say good night later.

Now my pretties, I'm going to
give you a dear little bathy.

Oh, Mary. All our worries are over.

[Rodney] Sabina.

Coming, darling.

Oh, darling she's an absolute
dream, a treasure, a joy.

I wish you could have seen Valentine.

Sabina, nanny on no nanny
you know perfectly well

I have an important
appointment at seven o'clock.

And I want something to eat.

Yes.

Would you rather the potatoes were

not quite cooked and the pie just right,

or the pie over cooked and
the potatoes just right?

Yes.

(kettle whistling)

What's the matter?

The pie.

- Oh no, Sabina. Not again.
- This is the last straw.

It certainly is the last straw.

I come in here ready to apologise,

and you don't give me a chance.

You fly into a temper.

Well, what do you expect?

I have an important meeting before me.

And I'm starving, do you hear? Starving.

Well if your starving, then
cut yourself a piece of cake.

I can't, there isn't any.

How do you know?

I had it for tea.

There you are, that proves it.

It proves what?

You can't have your cake and eat it.

Well, who said I could?

You do. You expect me to be cooking

and setting in a nanny.

You want a nanny, don't you?

It's you who wants a nanny.

I'm beginning to think
the day I married you

was the worst day's work of my life.

It was the last day's work.

That's a lie. I work every day.

Not like I do.

If you don't feel like
writing, you don't write.

How would you feel if I said to you,

there's no dinner, I
didn't feel like cooking?

Very much as I feel now.

I believe in the larder, there's some-

- No Sabina. I will not
eat cold Semolina pudding.

(door slams)

(gasps)

Well, how's Nanny getting on?

She's telling them a bedtime story.

Honestly, the woman's a perfect gem.

(Sabina crying)

Why, Sabina.

No, better not.

You know, I'm afraid Sabina's
nerves are in a bad way.

Nonsense. She's got
no emotional control.

You're a cold-blooded fish.

You mean I'm a civilised
adult, I take it.

Sometimes I wish you
weren't so civilised.

Then perhaps, you might prefer
looking after your own child

to working in a chemical laboratory.

What's really upsetting,
is that I've found a nanny.

You hoped I wouldn't,
didn't you? Didn't you?

Before we were married, remember,

'twas walking down Barkley
Street and you said,

as far as your work is concerned,

I never want you to do
anything you don't want to

because you're married to me.

But I still don't want you

to do anything you don't want to do.

All I want is, that you should want to.

Do you see what I mean?

Suddenly, the old woman
turned into a beautiful fairy,

all gowns and gossamer if you please.

(babies laughing)

And with her wand, whate'er
befalls you, tiny one.

Now go to the ball.

Well now, imagine Cinderella's surprise

when her dirty rags turned
into a beautiful golden gown.

And on her feet were little
twinkling glass slippers.

But, said the fairy,
after the stroke of 12

you must not stay or back
to rags you'll change.

And so away.

And so Cinderella was whisked off

to the palace in a glittering glass coach.

And as soon as she entered the ballroom,

Prince Charming fell in love with her,

and the ugly sisters were simply furious.

(calm music)

All night long, Prince Charming
danced with Cinderella.

And they lived happily ever after.

Oh, I hope dinner's ready.

So do I. I feel jolly peckish.

Are you two fondly supposing
you're gonna get some dinner?

Well, aren't we?

(laughing)

Oh, Lord. We better eat out, I suppose.

Well, do you fancy a
sandwich at the local,

or a Welch rabbit at the Old Engel Nook.

Oh, the local. I feel like a beer.

[Mary] Eve? We're
going across to the pub.

Will you follow us over?

[Eve] All right.

What are you all dolled up for?

For psychological reasons

that you couldn't possibly understand.

You can't imagine the
effect it has on a woman,

going a bottle all day
looking like a drab.

Putting on real clothes,
and doing one's face

has the effect of, well,
of a champagne supper.

It's a pity I can't get

the same effect by changing my trousers.

Aren't you going to say
you're sorry before you go?

Say I'm sorry?

For being such a bear.

It's no use, Sabina.

I see.

I don't attract you anymore.

I didn't say that.

Look, I must be going. I'm late already.

I said I must be going.

I may be late.

So don't wait up for me.

(upbeat music)

Might I trouble you
for the mustard, please?

Would you mind changing
places with me, Bruce?

No, no.

(clock chimes)

(horn honks)

May I come in?

Victor, how nice to see you.

You're looking very
charming this evening.

You expecting someone?

No, I'm all alone. I need cheering up.

I'll do my best.

But first, you must
help me clear the way.

Of course.

Remarkably clean plates and all, huh?

Yes aren't they?

What's the story behind this?

I spoiled the supper,
so they've all gone out.

That's why I'm alone.

What about you? Would
you like to come out?

No thanks.

I'd much rather stay here and talk to you.

What should we talk about?

Oh, life in general. Can
you see any point in it?

Not in general, no. But
there are certain moments.

Help yourself to a drink.

Thank you.

One for you?

You know, I rather think I will.

Now, tell me what's
been getting you down.

No, no. On second thought, don't.

Why not?

Well, it won't cheer you up

to talk about your domestic squabbles.

Who said anything
about domestic squabbles?

Darling, you needn't pretend with me.

I can read your every thought.

Really? What am I thinking now?

You're wondering if it
would relieve your feelings

to have an affair with me.

You're flattering yourself.

I haven't the slightest intention

of having an affair with you.

Well, have another drink.

No thanks.

You're now thinking that another drink

might weaken your resolution.

Not at all.

I'll have another, thank you.

You seem to have no fears
about your resolution.

Oh, but I have.

Who wouldn't when sitting next

to such a charming and desirable woman?

Do you really think I'm desirable?

Or are you just being polite?

I think any unattainable
woman's desirable.

The trouble is so few are.

The trouble with you is
you've known too many women.

Probably all of the wrong sort.

- They always are, in retrospect.
- What a comfort that is.

A love affair with you is
like a bad cold, something to be

got out of your system
as quickly as possible.

Exactly.

I could never love like that,

thinking it all out beforehand.

If I love, I want to throw
everything to the wind.

Not your Benedictine too, my sweet.

No, darling.

Thank you, darling.

I only knew I'm terribly unhappy.

And nobody can help me,
nobody. Nobody knows.

Nobody knows what?

I don't know.

Darling.

Don't let's speak, don't let's move.

Why?

This is the climax.

This is a moment that always comes,

when the unattainable becomes attainable,

when one knows that one can.

But one doesn't.

It's then that men feel Godlike.

I don't feel a bit Godlike.

Sabina, darling-

- No, go away. It's too late now.

How like a woman.

You don't like it when I don't kiss you.

And when I try to, you won't let me.

What do you want?

I'm wanting you to kiss me
because you couldn't help it.

Well, I will.

No, you can't now.

You've been helping it
for the last five minutes.

Oh.

(throat clearing)

- Hello, Bruce.
- Hello.

Evening, Banning.

Evening.

Mary and Eve have gone to the pictures.

You were telling me where
to get pickled walnuts.

Oh yes, yes. I must take
you down there sometime.

[Sabina] Do.

Well, there doesn't seem
much more I can do here.

Goodbye, Sabina.

Thank you for helping
me to clear it away.

(speaking in foreign language)

Goodnight, old boy.

Is it cold out?

Yes. One notices the
contrast, coming in.

[Sabina] Meaning?

- Sabina.
- What?

Well, I know it's none of my business.

Then shut up.

Telling you where to
get pickled walnuts.

He was. Don't you believe me?

I don't know. If you would say so.

But it was the most extraordinary attitude

I've ever seen a person take up

to tell another person where
to get pickled walnuts.

Are you in the habit of seeing people

tell other people where
to get pickled walnuts?

Yes, I've seen a lot of people

tell other people where to get things,

and not only pickled walnuts, either.

Oh, it's impossible
to make you understand.

I understand well enough.

You've had no supper,
and too much to drink.

Nonsense. I've only had two tiny ones.

Well, if got that far on two,

where would you have got on three?

Thanks to you, we shall never know.

Oh.

And you're all such a simpleton.

You don't think Victor's serious, do you?

Why, if you ever told him you were gonna

leave Rodney and go away with him,

he'd be out of that door
like greased lightning.

I have not the lightest intention

of leaving Rodney, and Victor knows it.

Oh, I see.

Just a nice little intrigue

to while away the lonely evenings.

Very pretty.

Oh, for Heaven's sakes

stop bating me with your superior head.

I'm fed up with marriage.
Rodney doesn't appreciate me.

Nobody appreciates me. I wish I were dead.

Oh, Sabina. You're so kind hearted.

[Sabina] Well, I'm very grateful.

Now now, please listen Sabina.

I've said all the nasty things about you.

It's only fair to say the nice things too.

You're going to have a job
to think them up, aren't you?

Not at all.

I was telling Rodney only
this evening that he should

thank Heaven you're the
sort of woman you are.

Oh, Bruce were you? Do tell me why.

Well, you'll have all
the womanly qualities.

You're human and warmhearted.

And what's more, you've got guts.

You had the courage to
give up your profession,

and take on a job you hate,

because you wanted to
be a wife to your man.

Yes.

I don't know why you've bothered
to talk to me like this.

Well, I know you're not the
sort of woman to behave like.

Well, that's what upset me.

No, you're quite right.

I did behave like, what you didn't say.

I wanted to satisfy my vanity.

I wanted to kick that every
woman gets out of knowing

she can still make somebody want her.

Now, I suppose you
despise me more than ever.

Oh, it's a very human weakness.

You've been very sweet to me.

Not at all. Rodney is my friend.

Of course.

I like very much, Bruce.

I like you too.

And because I like you so much,

I'll try and live up to
your good opinion of me.

Oh, thank you.

And will you promise me not
to go around kissing men

just to get the kick out of it.

I can try.

And the next time you're
faced with temptation,

will you count up to five and think of me.

Like this. One, two, three, four,

five.

What then?

By then the danger should have passed.

It hasn't.

Sabina, you promised!

To think about you, and I did.

And now I shan't be able to think about

anything else forever and ever.

But this is terrible.

What's terrible about it? It's Heaven.

Now, you kiss me.

Excuse me, madam.

I've made you and your
husband a nice cup of cocoa.

Rodney.

Rodney! No, Rodney come back, old chap.

It isn't what you think at all.

Oh, Rodney.

No, Rodney come back, old chap.

It isn't what you think at all.

Rodney, come back.

Oh, darling. It's no use.

It's no use, he's gone.

Oh Bruce, what are we going to do?

Well, there's nothing we can do now.

Nevermind, Sabina.

I'll go to Rodney first thing
in the morning and I'll,

I'll tell him exactly how it all happened.

I hope he'll understand.

Oh, I hope he will.

But what about Mary?

Oh. Oh yes, Mary.

Look, Sabina.

Hadn't we better get out of the way quick,

before she comes in?

Yes, I couldn't face her now.

Yes. Yes, we'll tell her in the morning.

Yes.

(calm music)

Steady.

Well,

goodnight, Sabina.

Goodnight, Bruce.

(all laughing)

That's right, madam.

We must see that he gets his
beauty sleep, mustn't we?

(calm music)

Goodnight, Sabina.

Goodnight, Bruce.

Shan't be a moment,
darling. Goodnight, Nanny.

Pleasant dreams, sir.

Thank you.

(calm music)

(exclaims and thumps)

(calm music)

- I'm going to do my exercises.
- It's a lovely morning.

(breathing deeply)

Arms up, up. Arms out.

Arms up, arms up. That's right.

One, two. One, two. Now,
forward. Bend, forward.

Oh, I think that's
enough for this morning.

Now, my darling you can go and play.

I must go and wake mommy and daddy.

Oh, there now madam.

And I was just going to bring
you up a nice cup of tea.

Oh, Nanny. How very kind of you.

But you mustn't spoil us.

Now, I'll make haste,

and make your husband
his 'fore he gets up.

He is up, I'm afraid.

We're not used to all this attention.

You are early risers.

Morning, Eve.

Morning.

I thought I'd get my
tray and go back to bed.

Yes, do.

Nanny, this is Eve.

How do you do, dear. Another sister?

No, just a friend.

Well, you run back to bed, dear.

I'll bring you up some breakfast.

Oh, thanks all.

Really Nanny, I can't have you

running up and down all those stairs.

Well, the first time the
stairs began to bother me,

I'll know it's time I retired for good.

[Mary] What on Earth are you doing?

Just going down to breakfast, darling.

But it's Sunday.

[Bruce] Good heavens, is it?

Yes.

And if you thought it wasn't Sunday,

what are you doing in those clothes?

Can't imagine, darling.

[Mary] Nor can I.

Well, not that I'm up
I might as well stay up.

Wait a minute, I think
I've forgotten something.

You've forgotten it's Sunday.

Oh yes. That was it.

[Mary] You're behaving
very oddly this morning.

Yes, darling. I know.

I mean, am I?

Oh he did, did he?

Thank you very much. That's
all I wanted to know.

No, no message. And
please don't say I called.

Goodbye.

Good morning, Sabina.

Oh, Bruce. Thank heavens you're up.

It's been all I could do to prevent Nanny

from taking up the cups of
tea to everybody in the house.

Well, I got up as soon as I woke.

Mary thought it very odd.

Have you told her?

Oh no, no before breakfast isn't

a very good time to tell Mary things.

Well, you better hurry up.

Oh, dear. Isn't life difficult?

Poor darling, I suppose you're

still worrying about Rodney.

No, I'm not.

I've just telephoned his club,

and they say he spent the night there.

I expect he'll be home any minute now.

- Well nevermind, Sabina.
- I'll stand by you.

Oh, Bruce.

It's such a comfort to
have a real man to turn to.

I rather find it a comfort

to have a real woman to turn to me.

Now now, you love birds.

Thank you, Nanny. Coffee.

If only we could sit like this forever.

Will somebody please tell me why you two

are sitting there like a
couple of babes in the woods?

Well you see, Mary, the whole-

- Here's the toast.
- Ah, toast.

Good morning, Nanny.

Perhaps Daddy will come up and have

a little game with his
chicks after breakie.

Right after breakie, Nanny. Yes.

Oh, let me dear.

Well?

Well, you see Mary, it's
rather difficult to explain.

But Nanny's got to get into her head

that Bruce is married to me.

That was clear even to my dull mind.

What I want to know is why?

Well, you see Mary,
something happened last night.

No Mary, no no no,
nothing happened, only-

- Nanny came in and found us in well,

what's called a compromising situation.

- It wasn't planned, Mary.
- You must believe that.

It took us both completely
by surprise, didn't it?

Completely. One moment
everything was normal.

[Both] And then suddenly
everything was upside down.

Are you telling each other, or me?

It was my fault, Mary.

I was crying and Bruce was sorry for me.

And then so sweet to me,
that I forgot myself.

Oh, I forgot myself too, don't forget.

But I forgot myself first.

In a flash, Mary, I
realised that you and I

should have married each other's husbands.

Oh Mary, don't just sit
there drinking your coffee.

Call me names if you want to.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,

but I haven't any intention
of making a scene.

There we are, the
perfect machine at work.

Am I in danger of losing my self control?

Press button B, and get it back.

But I can see you're angry all the same.

Of course I'm angry.

I'm angry because neither of you

seem to realise the consequences
of your little frolic.

I resent that word, frolic.

- Well, whatever it was then.
- I'm not concerned with that.

It's the wanton carelessness
of it that I can't forgive.

If you must do these things,

now why choose the first
night of a new nanny?

I was going to suggest, madam,

that if you'd like to
leave the lunch to me,

you could take the
children out this morning.

Oh, Nanny. How nice.

Not at all, madam. I love cooking.

That's the woman we're going to lose.

I'm terribly sorry. Surely
there's something we can do.

Couldn't we say I mistook
Sabina for you in the dark?

It wasn't dark.

No.

There's only one way out.

After all, you've made your bed.

You mean go on pretending-

- But you can't be serious, Mary.

But it would mean-

- All it would mean is
that Nanny must think

that you and Bruce share the same room.

Nothing else, of course.

- Well.
- Well.

It's our only hope of keeping her.

When you put it like that,
it seems almost our duty.

I better go and warn Eve.

We don't want her to
say anything awkward.

Oh, if you're going upstairs Bruce,

you might help with the beds.

Certainly. Which shall I
start with? Yours or Sabina's?

(Elizabeth crying)

Oh, you naughty naughty little girl.

Oh, look at yourself. Oh, what a pot.

Oh, I'll have to deal with
this in the bathroom. Oh dear.

(taxi leaving)

I wonder if there's another
dress for Miss Elizabeth, madam.

I'm afraid there's been an accident.

An accident to Elizabeth?

Oh, she's up to no harm.

Though Heaven knows, she might've done.

The moment by back was
turned, my little miss ate

the whole pot of cold
cream, if you please.

Oh my goodness. We must do something.

Oh, that's all right, madam.

She's parted with it.

Are you sure?

- Quite sure, madam.
- There's no cause for alarm.

It's extraordinary how some
children will eat everything.

It's Elizabeth's the handful of those two.

But of course you wouldn't
know, being only an aunt.

I don't think you should
say that about Elizabeth.

After all, you hardly
know the children yet.

Oh, I can always tell.

I also noticed that with two children,

all the good qualities of
the parents go into the one,

and all the bad into the other.

In this case, it's Master
Valentine's the lucky one.

What's that about Valentine?

Hello, Rodney.

We were just talking about the children.

Oh.

Valentine's a fine little chap, isn't he?

Oh, he certainly is.

And what's more, he's inherited
his father's good looks.

Oh, I don't know about
that. It's a bit early to say.

I mean, he's only about that high.

Come along, Nanny.

And I'll wager he'll have
his father's charm too.

Oh, so.

Did you turn the mattress, dear?

(muffled grumbling)

Well, what have you
got to say for yourself?

I think that question might
more easily come from me.

Turn on your heel like that,
and walk out of the house

without even waiting for an explanation.

I have all the explanation I needed.

It's always the same with you, Rodney.

Whenever I do something you don't like,

before I have time to
explain or do anything,

you go and do something I despise-

- Oh right, string a lot of words together

and confuse the issue.

If there's any despising to
be done, I'm the one to do it.

Because I happened to kiss Bruce?

Because I happened
to see you, that's all.

What beats me is why you should
pick Bruce of all people?

Why did you say Bruce
of all people like that?

Well, because.

Because he isn't that kind of a man.

Now had it been Victor, I
could have understood it.

If only you'd come
home a little earlier,

it would have been.

What was it, a competition or something?

Oh. Oh, Victor behaved abominably,

tried to take advantage of,
kissing me against my will.

And then Bruce came in,
and I turned to him,

as a ship seeks shelter in a storm.

I was so grateful to
him, that I kissed him.

Out of gratitude.

Can't you see that in a way,

my kissing Bruce was a compliment to you.

I suppose to him, it was an insult.

He said I had the courage
to give up everything,

because I wanted to be a wife to my man.

That's you, Rodney.

Oh, thanks for the reminder.

Oh, I know I encouraged Victor.

But that was because I was unhappy.

You made me feel as if I could never

be the sort of wife you would want,

that I'd always be incompetent
and disappoint you.

I suppose I was trying to
bolster up my self respect.

All I did was to lose it.

I hated Victor and myself,
and I wanted to die.

Sabina.

Can you forgive me?

Well, you're so unpredictable.

I'll try to be more predictable.

Oh, Mary. Rodney's been
so good and understanding.

Well, I'm very glad to hear it.

Does he agree that it's
the only thing to do?

To do? To do what? What?

Oh, I haven't told him about that.

[Mary] Then, it's
about the time you did.

Oh, good morning.

Oh, good morning. Sorry about the golf.

Oh yes, we were to
play this morning. Yes.

It's too late now, isn't it?

I'm afraid it is.

Pity.

That's all right, old man.

When's daddy coming up
to see his little boy?

Coming, darling.

Oh, I'll go now if it'll please her.

She didn't mean you, Rodney.

No, darling, you see, she thinks

Bruce is the children's daddy.

Then what did she mean by saying that

Valentine has inherited my good looks?

Not yours, Bruce's.

Bruce's?

You see, after last night,

Nanny thinks that Bruce is married to me.

We've got to keep up the pretence,

because otherwise we're
afraid she'll give notice.

You'd better go up if you promised.

Oh, right.

- So that's the little plan?
- Very pretty, I must say.

Now don't be difficult, Rodney.

Difficult? You calmly
expect me to stand by,

and let that Bruce usurp
my conjugal rights?

- But he wouldn't, really.
- He'd only pretend to.

♪ Lum did he lum did he lum la la ♪

That's right, hit him. That's right.

Faster, faster, giddy up. (laughing)

Oh, very good, Daddy.

♪ Lum did he lum did he la la la ♪

Isn't it enough, I come home

and find my wife in the
arms of another man?

How do you think I've
been feeling since then?

Do you realise how I spent last night?

I walked the streets for hours.

You walked the streets?

Yes. All night. I just wanted
to get away from everything.

Oh, you worm. You
didn't walk any streets.

You spent the night in bed
at your club, didn't you?

Oh, I despise a man who
lies to get sympathy.

Bruce would never lie
like that, would he Mary?

You wanted to frighten
me, to make me think

you'd thrown yourself into the river.

So that when you came
back, I'd be so relieved,

I'd throw my arms around
your neck and apologise.

Sabina, don't keep changing the subject.

If you think I'm gonna
stay here, and connive

at this fantastic arrangement,
you're very much mistaken.

And so are you. I'm getting out of here.

Oh, just a minute.

Darling, you can't do this
to me, you simply can't.

Don't do anything you'll
be sorry for afterwards.

And where are you going to?

(all talking at once)

All I get here is
everything thrown in my face.

What sort of things? How dare you?

I hate seeing you like this.

No, Rodney listen.

- It's not good, Sabina.
- It's gotta be this way.

Well, you see.

Now, where is my shirt?

Which shirt?

Not the one I'm wearing,
nor the one at the laundry.

The other one.

It's airing. I'll go and get it.

And kindly find some
socks while you're about it.

Why, Rodney. Are you going away?

Yes.

You've been hurt, haven't you?

I thought Bruce was my best friend.

Oh, poor Rodney, what
are you going to do?

Well, the recognised thing
is to go big game hunting.

But you wouldn't do that.

- I don't know, I might.
- Or I might go to Shanklin.

Why Shanklin?

Why anywhere? I can't stay here.

The house will be full of ghosts.

You do look tired.

I am tired.

I walked the streets all night.

I don't remember much about
it until towards dawn,

I found myself outside
the home in Colonial.

How dreadful for you.

Rodney, I know what it's like to be hurt.

Sense of loss, wounded
vanity, all go in time.

But the disillusionment
destroys something inside.

And that goes on forever.

Of course.

You've been through it too.

Yes, indeed.

There should be a bond between us, Rodney.

We both know we can never love again.

But we can be friends, can't we?

Of course, Rodney dear,

if you promise never to
try to make love to me.

Oh, I promise. Darling
Eve, you're very sweet.

Oh Rodney, don't call me darling.

Darling.

That didn't happen, Rodney.

Didn't it?

Neither did that.

Oh, Rodney. You promised.

Oh, Eve darling don't take it like that.

You'll make me feel I've
done something dreadful.

No, no. It's not your fault, it's mine.

I'll have to tell you now.

Tell me, tell me what?

I've deceived you. I deceived you all.

I let you think there
was a tragedy in my life,

and I made it all up.

But why?

I wanted you all to
think I didn't want men.

And the truth is, men
have never wanted me.

Well, now you've got prove
to the contrary, haven't you?

No, it's only because you
were miserable about Sabina

and felt you had to kiss something.

Well, you must believe I
found the experience enjoyable.

Or I wouldn't have kissed you again.

Oh, Rodney. You've put new hope into me.

You don't seem to have any
socks without holes in them.

I've been telling you that for weeks.

I'll darn them for you, Rodney.

You can't. There's no darning wool.

I'll find some.

You don't seem to have
lost much time, do you?

You should worry.

I'm not, I'm only wondering
why a little man hater

should take such a sudden
interest in your socks.

Well, maybe. I don't see what it is.

But it may be out of the
kindness of her heart.

No that she seized on there socks,

because she wanted to humiliate me.

She knows I can't darn socks.

Wait, Sabina. Sabina, wait.

There you have there someone
who can darn your socks,

somebody who really is domesticated.

I mustn't be selfish.

But, you've got it all wrong.

No, it's my incompetence
that all this comes to be.

I'll never be able to cook and keep house.

I must let you have somebody who can.

Look, you be a housekeeper
and nothing else.

No. You want a housekeeper, and a wife.

Sabina.

You can't expect me to be one of a team.

Who's talking about a
team, or anything else?

Sabina, I-

- You kissed her.

Well, I know I kissed her,
but it was nothing personal.

I just had to kiss something.

You mean, like I kissed Bruce?

Yes, that's right. Like a
ship seeking shelter in a storm.

But you won't go on
seeking shelter, will you?

Well,

it depends on the storm.

Oh, darling. Don't let's
have any more storms.

Well! Oh, you snake in the grass!

You wicked, wicked woman.

What ever's the matter?

Her and you're husband,
they were kissing.

But, Nanny-

- Don't you Nanny me, please.

And on a Sunday morning too,

with those innocent children upstairs.

And you with a lovely husband of your own,

you shameless shameless woman.

Don't you call me a woman, you old bag.

Sabina.

What did you call me?

I called you an old bag, you old bag,

a shameless, snooping,
sanctimonious old bag.

Oh, may Heaven forgive you.

Sabina, stop it.

I won't stop it.

And I won't stop in
this house to be insulted.

Well, that'll teach us.

Oh, darling I do love you.

(Nanny mumbling)

But Nanny, please listen.

Well, she was a good nurse as nurses go.

And as nurses go, she-

- Oh Bruce, don't.

Well the only constellation is that

now we can relax and be ourselves again.

Should we let bygones be bygones?

I'm not sure, after the way you behaved.

The way I've behaved?

Well, you might at least pretended

to mind about Sabina and me.

I suppose it never occurred you

I might've been pretending not to mind.

Oh, darling. I didn't realise.

No, don't.

Oh, very well.

It's nothing, I just don't
want to make a fool of myself.

Oh do, darling, do.

(Mary crying)

I didn't know you could.

I told you, you would never understand.

Well, I can try.

Oh! Sex maniacs, the lot of you.

You'll send my things after me.

(door slams)

Why is everyone in this house
always slams doors, darling?

I don't know, darling.

It's just that sort of a house.

The joint! The dog next
door's got the joint!

(glass breaking)

Drat! Sabina!

Oh, you mangy dog. Stop.

Come back, I'm bleeding
to death. Sabina, come back.

Don't wonder around the
garden like a half whit.

Somebody do something.

[Sabina] Help!

Well, where is everybody?

Take that kettle off.

What on Earth is going through Rodney?

Now you wait a minute.
Daddy will soon be back.

(kettle screaming)

(all talking at once)

[Rodney] Sabina, come back!

(all continue talking at once)

What on Earth?

[Rodney] Sabina, call an ambulance.

Mary, Mary.

(all continue talking at once)

(Valentine babbling)

[Eve] Sabina, where are you?

[Sabina] Rodney, Rodney where are you?

(window slams)
(glass breaking)

Sabina, Mary, Sabina!

My fingers broken. Where's the iodine?

(all continue talking at once)

There's water coming
through the ceiling.

Oh, good heavens.

(Eve screams)

(bodies thumping)

[Bruce] Oh, dear. This
is no time for fooling.

[Television] World
security cannot be achieved

without peace at home.

The Minister of Food said
in Birmingham last night,

this country can never repay

the debt it owes to the British housewife.

(marching parade music)