Original subtitles

[Static]

-Okay, Darcy, I've been calling this "'Jaws' Rip-off Night."

And actually, we're about to watch

the very first "Jaws" rip-off film.

But why do we watch "Jaws" every summer?

Why do we have Shark Week in the summer,

which is the most likely time that we will be eaten

by a shark? -Because we like to be scared,

and sharks are cool? [Laughter]

-I think it's because vacations are boring

unless you could possibly die. -Maybe.

-Because vacations -- vacations are a modern thing.

You know? -For most of recorded time,

there were no vacations.

You never left the village unless you had to.

So what would be a reason to leave your village?

To hunt for food, which is dangerous,

or to attack the next village over,

which is also dangerous.

So if you got up in the morning and you said, "Okay, dear,

me and the boys are heading over the mountain today.

We'll see you when we see you,"

That would mean you're carrying a weapon

and you're ready to kill, and the jaguar could eat you

on the way home for no reason. So we're hardwired that way.

We leave our homes for any extended period of time,

we either come back with a carcass

or we become a carcass. Are you following me?

-I think so. -So how many people

do you think are actually attacked by sharks each year?

-I don't know. -Guess.

-In the whole world? -In the whole world.

How many people are attacked by sharks?

-800.

72. Alright.

How many people are killed in a shark attack each year?

-20. -5.

-Wow. -Okay.

How many sharks getkilled each year?

-You mean by, like, shark hunters?

-Well, yeah. Okay, go with that.

How many sharks fall victim to Captain Quint predators?

-I don't know. Like, way too many. Lots.

-Actually, 100 million. -Oh, my God. Is that true?

-Well, I don't mean -- Not that many get harpooned

or hooked or speared. That would be impossible.

But there are a lot of human activities

that cause shark death, including injured

by boat propellers and then they die later,

or they ingest crap that we throw in the ocean.

But I'm not -- But I'm not saying this

to make a "Save the sharks" statement.

-You should be. Save the sharks. -Alright.

No, well, I mean, that's not my main point.

Yes, we should save the sharks, but because of "Jaws,"

we have created this mythical menace

that threatens us every time we go into the ocean.

They even train you how to avoid being eaten.

You know, "Hit the shark on the nose with your fist."

[Laughter] Really?

I mean, you know, isn't the shark nose

really, really close to the shark mouth?

I mean, which has those vicious shark teeth.

It's not like you get three chances

to loop him right square on the nose.

So the other thing they say is, put your hand in his gills.

What?! I mean, in other words,

if a shark is trying to eat you, get aggressive with the shark,

put your hand wherever it's most likely to get chopped off.

You know how many people are gonna do that?

You know? So, you know, Steve Irwin,

who was not afraid of anything in the ocean,

was killed by a stingray!

You know, they have stingrays

in touching ponds for small children.

If a stingray can kill Steve Irwin,

what are your chances of landing that perfect

Muhammad Ali jab to the shark snout?

You know? So, and -- -Your point is?

-My point is, the reasons we flock

to all these "creatures that might kill me" movies,

especially in the summer, are that, "A,"

we're leaving home base, and that's scary;

and, "B," we know that we deserve it

'cause for all the ways that we have brutalized the environment.

This genre of storytelling was invented in the '60s.

That's how new it is.

The academic name for it is "eco-horror."

The popular name is nature-strikes-back movies.

And I think the first eco-horror film

is probably Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds."

He never explains why the birds are trying to kill us,

but somehow, when we watch it, we go,

"Yeah, movie's weird, but deep down,

I feel like it could happen.

The birds are pissed, and they shouldbe pissed."

So, are you agreed, Darcy? -What about "Godzilla"?

-Um, yeah. I would not argue with you

if you said "Godzilla" was the first eco-horror,

'cause "Godzilla" is actually created

by abuse of the environment in the form of nuclear radiation.

So you could also say "Creature from the Black Lagoon."

Both those movies were 1954.

Isn't there a moment in "Creature from the Black Lagoon"

where somebody throws a cigarette butt into the lagoon

and they have a close-up of the cigarette butt,

and you see it resting on the surface of the water?

-Yeah, that happened. -And the implication is

that the Gill Man is having nervous shocks

because of this stuff that's being thrown into his lagoon.

You've seen the "Creature from the Black Lagoon"

how many times? -Like thousands.

-Okay. -[ Chuckles ]

-But you know what's interesting?

"Creature from the Black Lagoon" --

we should talk about this -- it was filmed at Baldwin Lake.

And Baldwin Lake has taken on so much silt

and dirt and oil and tar and urban runoff

and other pollutants that it used to be 12 feet deep

and today it's 2.5 feet deep.

And it's inside the Los Angeles County Arboretum,

and they can't even keep it clean.

-Where is Baldwin Lake?

-I don't know. -It's, like,

you drive to Pasadena, and then they tell you

you're not there yet. It's way the hell out there.

But it should be clean out there.

I mean -- So, anyway, the golden age

of the eco-horror movie is the '70s.

Um, the one that I think

really took up the environmentalist theme

in a big way, though, is "Frogs," 1972.

-Yeah. -Remember "Frogs"?

-I love "Frogs." -Best movie

about man-eating frogs ever made.

-Probably. -Ray Milland has used

so many pesticides on his island estate

that all the animals have gone crazy

and started eating human flesh --

tarantulas, geckos, alligators, turtles,

lots of different kinds of snakes.

Okay, so, then, in 1975, we get the ultimate

nature-strikes-back movie, and that would be "Jaws."

So, in my opinion, "The Birds" is the foundation film.

"Jaws" is the eco-horror classic,

and everything after "Jaws" has to borrow from "Jaws."

Now, "Grizzly," which we're about to watch,

borrows pretty much 100% of its structure,

cast, storyline, and theme from "Jaws."

I don't know why they don't call it "Paws" or "Claws."

[Laughter] You know?

It was, believe it or not,

the number-one independent movie of 1976.

It made $39 million.

And in fact, it was the top-grossing independent movie

of all time, until two years later,

when "Halloween" shattered all previous records.

But "Grizzly" is goofy as all get-out,

which we will discover here shortly.

And so, Darcy, here's a question, though.

Are you a beach person or a mountain person?

-What do you mean?

-I think everybody is one or the other.

When you go on vacation, you prefer either a beach house

or a mountain cabin.

One or the other is more alluring to you.

-Well, I like both, but if I have to pick,

I'm gonna go mountain cabin. -Yeah, me, too,

because beach vacations involve too many people.

Unless you're Brad Pitt

and you have one of those private islands.

But even then, those guys with the telephoto lenses

are like right offshore, in the boats,

trying to get a good shot of your beer belly.

[Laughter] -What are you talking about?

-I mean, when superstar celebrities go to the beach,

they go to those private beaches,

so they get the advantages of the mountain cabin.

That's why they're there. But they're still at the beach.

But for regular people like us, that's not an option.

-That whole digression was meaningless.

[Laughter]

-I had a point, but, yeah, I think so.

[Laughter] So, "Grizzly" should be

the eco-horror companion to "Jaws"

for mountain-cabin people. That was my point.

-It should be?

-Well, it has two problems.

One, no matter how fierce any bear is,

something in your rear brain says, "Aww, I want to pet it."

-Yeah. [Laughter]

-Which is not the case with sharks.

I mean, something about bears is, like, cuddlable.

-Oh, I would so pet a shark.

-Well, you're different. [Laughter]

And numero two-oh, "Jaws" is directed by Steven Spielberg,

and "Grizzly" is directed by William Girdler,

the exploitation king of Louisville, Kentucky.

-Good point.

And by the way, are we ever gonna show "Jaws"?

Because I get so many requests for it constantly.

-Um, let me put it this way, Darcy.

I send the title "Jaws" up the corporate ladder,

saying, "I would like to show this on our show."

And then a message comes back down, a couple of weeks later,

filtered down through the corporate ladder.

And the message is, "well, we can't get 'Jaws,'

but -- great news -- we can get 'Grizzly'!"

[Laughter] -That is what I thought.

I wanted it on record.

-I get those annoying e-mails, though, from the fans.

They say, "Is 'Jaws' a horror film?"

"I would like your opinion, Joe Bob.

We're having an argument. Is 'Jaws' horror?"

Giant creature eating people! Okay?! Duh! Such basic horror.

I don't even know where the question comes from.

Why do people ask that question over and over again?

We've answered that question five times already.

-I think that we get it from people

who normally don't watch horror,

but they watch "Jaws" every summer.

-Okay. Which means everybody watching tonight knows

the plot of "Jaws." So, as we watch the movie,

every time you see something stolen from "Jaws,"

tweet it to Darcy or e-mail her or DM her

or whatever you, Instagram her. -Yes, please do.

I want us to keep a running count

of how many times "Jaws" can be ripped off in a single movie.

-I like that. -Because here's the weird thing.

The screenwriters of "Grizzly"

claim that they stole nothing from "Jaws."

[Laughter] -What?!

-No. To this day -- There's two screenwriters,

and to this day, they say

they came up with the story before "Jaws" existed.

So, yeah. [Laughter]

Are you ready for this? -I'm so ready.

-Then let's go. "Grizzly" is the sensitive story

of a giant, million-year-old mutant bear

from the Pleistocene era,

who turns up at a national park looking for camper meat,

chewing up nubile young vacationers

and causing panic in the hills and panic in the dales.

But the aspiring-politician park superintendent

refuses to close the park down, while a fearless park ranger

teams up with an eccentric naturalist

and an intrepid helicopter pilot to track the grizzly down

and find out why he's turned psycho

in the midst of a media frenzy.

Sure, we've seen it before.

In fact, we saw it one year earlier, when "Jaws" came out.

[Laughter] But have we seen it with actors

recruited from the community theater in Clayton, Georgia?

I think not.

So let's look at those "Drive-In" totals

and get started. We have 8 dead bodies,

2 dead deer, 2 dead bears, 2 breasts,

one mountainside tumble into a river,

arm ripping, leg chewing,

mama eating... [Laughter]

...purple halter-top chomping,

deer gutting, face clawing,

pervert-bear POV attack,

bloody tent invasion with wife stealing,

ursine shack-destruction,

bloody-goo slippage,

killer-bear backpacker-crowd panic,

panoramic low-flying helicopter footage

with symphonic theme music,

fire-tower destruction,

pet-bunny-rabbit-loving child goring,

gratuitous hunting dogs,

arm rolls, leg rolls,

Bazooka Fu.

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations

for Christopher George as the savvy forest ranger

who says, "It's a goddamn circus out here";

Vicki Johnson as Ranger Gail,

who likes to go full-frontal under waterfalls

while on duty; Joan McCall as Allison,

the spoiled photojournalist dating the head forest ranger;

Andrew Prine as Don the salty copter pilot

who says he likes women and he keeps moving;

Richard Jaeckel as Scotty,

the pony-riding bear expert who says,

"I can look like him, I can smell like him"...

[Laughter]

...Joe Dorsey as the park superintendent,

who says stuff like, "Kelly, you're a maverick.

We don't have time for mavericks";

and William Girdler, the director,

and the pride of Louisville, Kentucky,

for doing things the "Drive-In" way.

Three stars. [Laughter]

-The hesitation.

-Joe Bob says, check it out.

Um, you know where eco-horror leads?

-To global warming? -Well...

[Laughter] Well, that's a good point.

Yes, as a matter of fact. And we -- We -- Well,

we did have a couple of global-warming movies,

didn't we? We had

that Dennis Quaid picture. What was that?

-"The Day After Tomorrow." -Right. I hated It.

[Laughter] Anyway, did anybody go see that?

-Oh, yeah. I mean, like, hundreds of millions

at the box office. -Really?

-Mm-hmm. -But you know

what movie did climate change before that movie

and before everyone else, really?

"Soylent Green."

You know, back when we were getting freaked out

because of aerosol spray cans. [Laughter]

Aerosol spray cans caused the greenhouse effect.

You know, they hadn't even come up with

the term "climate change" when that movie came out.

Charlton Heston is the only guy

who knows that Soylent Green is people!

"Soylent Green is people!" -Oh, it's a great movie.

[Laughter] -Nobody watches that anymore.

But what I was gonna say is, all eco-horror leads to "C.H.U.D."

-Yeah. -What do we find out at the end

about the cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers?

It was toxic waste all along!

The government was storing nuclear waste

in the subway tunnels under Greenwich Village.

But now that we've enlarged our definition of eco-horror

to include global warming, it all leads to "Avatar," right?

-Mm-hmm. -James Cameron.

James Cameron learned about global warming

when he directed "Piranha II: The Spawning."

So... [Laughter]

-I feel like eco-horror is here to stay.

It's a theme in a lot of non-horror movies, too, now.

-"The Swarm." [Laughter]

Irwin Allen -- killer bees from South America

headed for Texas to kill Michael Caine

and Patty Duke and Slim Pickens.

you know, it had a cast of thousands.

And I don't mean the bees. It was a cast of thou--

Henry Fonda gets stung in that movie.

Irwin Allen got stung big-time because "The Swarm" --

"The Swarm" is what killed the disaster movie.

Either that or Bert Gordon's "Food of the Gods."

-I love the giant rats. -In "Food of the Gods"?

-Mm-hmm -Don't forget

the giant mutant chickens. -True, true, true.

-Marjoe Gortner's finest performance.

One of my greatest regrets

is that we didn't get Bert I. Gordon on this show,

because he just passed away earlier this year.

Cut off in the prime of his life, because...

-I mean, he was pretty old.

-He was actually 100. [Laughter]

-Was he really? -He was exactly 100 years old.

-Aww. -But 100 years old

is not that old if you're spry. And he was spry.

-Spry as fuck? -Spry as fuck.

R.I.P., Bert. -Aww.

[Laughter]

[Soft theme music plays]

[Static]

[Bright chiming music plays]

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

[Wind blowing]

[Helicopter approaching]

-Now, this area is pretty much the same way it was

when the Indians were wandering around in it.

That's because of this country's national-parks system, Senators.

The sole function of the national park system

is to protect the wildlife and the forest

from thousands of campers coming here every year.

Now, I know that my opinion don't mean too much,

but I think that if we get any further encroachment

on these park areas, we're gonna destroy

the natural beauty of what you're looking at.

If the government could somehow manage to protect these areas,

we just might be able to keep this typical

and completely American landscape like this forever.

[Bright orchestral music plays]

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[Suspenseful music plays]

[Bright orchestral music plays]

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[Helicopter blades whirring]

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-[Speaking indistinctly]

-[Blowing]

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-Never thought you'd make it.

-I wouldn't miss a Kelly briefing for the world.

[Horse neighing] -Mm-hmm.

-[Chuckles] -Alright, this is

the largest post-season crowd we've ever had.

And there's just no way, with this skeleton crew,

that we're going to able to handle it.

-What Kelly's concerned about is we got more backpackers

pitching tents than raccoons in the woods.

-Okay, now everybody goes out on patrol.

-There's no way we can keep an eye on all those backpackers.

-Well, we're just gonna do the best we can.

Okay, everyone knows where they're supposed to go.

So, let's -- let's get with it.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Kelly?

My apologies.

-Accepted.

-Hey, I'm going up to R4.

-You know, maybe the two of us should go.

-It's really loaded up there, Kell.

Hey, come on, I can use the help.

-Well, you see, Hayes called in sick.

So I'm gonna need Gail down here

to kinda hold down the fort. -Mm-hmm.

[Horse neighing]

-We tried.

Look, I'll talk to you later for dinner.

-[Chuckles] Okay.

[Birds chirping]

-Paging Mr. Allen, paging Mr. Allen.

Please pick up the phone at the front desk.

-Okay, girls, keep it moving.

I know that the season's closed,

but that's no reason to let up, huh?

So if you get any complaints about cold food,

I wanna hear about them right away.

-[Speaking indistinctly on P.A. system]

-[Puffing on pipe]

-Dad! -Hmm? What are those?

-Unpaid bills, I believe.

-Aw, I must have put them in the wrong drawer.

I'll take care of them right away.

-And I've been looking over the wine list.

You know, you haven't been charging nearly enough.

Look what you've been paying! -I know what I've been paying.

-And?

-Well, good wine at reasonable prices

brings the customers back, and they've been coming back.

-I know you've had a really good season, but this --

-Allison, for the last two weeks,

you've been trying to help me run my business.

-That's not true.

Dad, every man needs a helping hand.

-Yeah, well, you told me that you were coming up here

to shoot pictures of the changing seasons.

-Well, I did. I am! That's what I've been doing.

-Yeah, well, keeping check on how your old man is doing

is not going to help you meet your deadline.

-I only got maybe a third to go.

I need maybe 30 or 40 more photographs.

I got my publisher's note. He'll wait.

-Allison?

Why don't you write a how-to book?

How to avoid responsibilities.

-Oh, hell, I was supposed to meet you.

Kelly, I'm sorry.

-Well, let's go. See you, Walt.

[Birds chirping]

-It was sweet of you to come and get me.

I really appreciate it.

-Well, I should be angry.

I mean, I said I'd take you around,

but, you know, I just might have been needed.

I'm an important person around here.

-Guilty as charged.

-You know what the problem is?

The problem is, you're spoiled.

And your father did it.

-How long have you known me?

-Uh, a few weeks.

-Then, why don't you just reserve judgment?

I mean, "spoiled" is a pretty heavy word.

First of all, I don't feel spoiled.

I feel needed.

I mean, Dad's taking on a lot more than he can handle,

so I feel just a bit torn between career and father.

-Yeah, well, I think your father can handle his end.

It's yours you should be worried about.

-Somehow I always manage to get it together.

[Bright orchestral music plays]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversation]

[Birds screeching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughing]

[Indistinct conversation]

♪♪

-At last.

-Can't believe we're here, finally.

[Sighs]

We must have walked 10 miles today.

On, we got to do something with this.

-I want to sit down and get out of these boots.

-Yeah.

-Feel a lot better. -Uh-huh.

[Bushes rustling] What's that?

[Ominous music plays] -There's something out there.

♪♪

[Horse snorts] -[Chuckles]

-Hey. You scared us!

-Sorry, I didn't mean to.

-What can we do for you? -Stay out of trouble.

-What kind of trouble?

-Well, just don't take any unnecessary risks.

This is a pretty tricky area.

How long you girls gonna be up here?

-Oh, we're leaving shortly, right after we eat.

[Horse neighs] -Don't forget to check in

at the ranger station before you leave.

-Don't worry, we'll be down before it gets dark.

-Okay.

[Clicks tongue] Come on, boy.

[Critters chittering]

[Soft orchestral music plays]

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[indistinct grumbling]

[Ominous music plays]

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[Women chattering faintly]

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[Foliage rustling]

♪♪

[Women laughing faintly]

♪♪

[Bird cawing]

♪♪

-Well, better get moving. It's gonna get dark pretty fast.

-You're right. -Why don't you start

on the tent, and I'll get the fire.

-Okay, but I have to go first.

-Whenever it comes to cleaning up,

you always have to go. -[Chuckles]

I'll be right back. -Mm-hmm.

♪♪

[Indistinct grumbling] [Ominous music continues]

[Foliage rustling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct panting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Foliage rustling]

♪♪

June?

June? [Indistinct growling]

[Screaming]

Oh, no!

Please! Aah!

[Bear roars]

-[Shouts indistinctly]

Oh, no. No.

[Panting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Sighs]

[Bird cawing]

[Panting]

[Sighing]

♪♪

[Bear roars] [Wood cracking]

No!

[Screaming]

[Screams echoing]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

[Camera clicks]

-You never stop shooting, do you?

-Oh, most of what I shoot, I don't use.

Wrong angle, wrong light. -Wrong faces.

-No, the faces are never wrong.

Remember, every face tells a story.

-Oh, yeah?

What story does this face tell you?

-You're a dissembler.

You hide everything behind that tight jaw.

One day, it's gonna break.

[Birds chirping]

-[Chuckles]

[Laughs] See? it's cracking already.

-How you doing, Tom? -Hey.

-Where you going? -Up to R4.

Got a couple missing girls.

-Oh?

-[Chuckles] Come on.

They said they'd be down before dusk.

They haven't made it yet.

-Aw, they're not gonna make it.

The sun will be down in a little bit.

-Hey, you want to go up with him?

-Uh-huh! -We'll follow you.

Go ahead! -Okay.

[Engines start]

[Birds chirping]

[Engines turn off]

They were back there, past the shack.

Maybe 100, 150 yards.

-Let's walk on in.

[Critters chittering]

-Hey, hold it, Tom. I wanna check out this shack.

[Thud]

-[Speaking indistinctly]

[Wood cracks] [Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-Find anything? -No.

How about you? -No, nothing.

[Dramatic music plays] [Speaking indistinctly]

-Tom? -Yeah?

-How far down are you?

-Uh, about 1/4 of a mile from the shack.

There's just nothing here.

I can't tell whether a bear came through or not.

-Find it here somewhere. -Well, keep looking.

-Roger, out.

[Camera clicks] -Better keep looking.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Indistinct howling]

-You all got a hell of a job.

-You find anything? -No, sir, not a thing.

-Alright. Keep at it. But, remember,

we're probably not looking for a full body.

-Kelly, what in the hell's going on?

-A bear -- he attacked and killed a girl.

-Jesus, that's all we need -- a killer bear on the loose.

-Well, there were two of them.

We haven't found the other one yet.

-Reckon she made it out? -No.

Too much blood around here for that.

-Well, what you want us to do?

-Look, I got a bunch of guys up on the western slope.

So, uh, you guys go on up north.

He just might go back up-country.

-Hmm. Check.

[Critters chittering]

[Camera clicks]

-Allison, where are you going?

-Back here to get another angle on the camp.

-Okay, but don't go too far.

-Hey, Kell? -Yeah?

-Parker and Lane came up empty-handed.

-Well, look, bet 'em back out there.

Nobody sleeps until we get that son of a bitch.

-Hey, come on, Kelly, you can't --

-Tom, we got a killer on our hands.

Now, no excuses. Please?

[Dramatic music plays]

[Blood sloshes]

-Oh.

[Breathing heavily]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Intercom chattering faintly]

♪♪

-Dr. Newfell, Dr. Newfell.

-[Sighs]

-It was a big one, alright.

It seems to me, the girls came across a cub,

got too close, and the mother attacked.

-They didn't find any sign of a cub.

And we didn't find any sign of a bear anywhere.

-Well, she ate and buried the rest of her meal for later.

-Why would she come down?

-Well, she came down for food. -Aw, shit.

We hauled them up to the high country last season.

There's more than enough food and fish for them up there.

-Maybe had enough fish.

-Hang on to your sick humor, Doc.

-It's not sick. She was hungry enough

to eat two women. -Bears don't eat people.

-This one did.

-Hallitt, do me a favor.

Just put it in writing for me.

-Who's, uh, going to contact the family?

-Me, I guess.

-Why the hell wasn't I notified?

-Well, obviously, you got the message.

-I had to hear it on the goddamn radio.

-Hey, I'm glad to hear that, uh --

that you're turning it on these days, Kittridge.

-If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.

-Aw, that's okay, Hallitt. I'm just leaving.

-I want to see that report, Hallitt.

[Lighter clicking]

Kelly!

Okay, let's hear it.

What the hell happened out there?

-One of our bears got lonesome. Came down for a little action.

-That's not funny.

-Not supposed to be.

-Well, what are you doing about it?

-Well, I've got men out in the field, hunting him.

And I've put R3 and R4 off-limits to campers.

Now, I think we can contain him in that area.

-Okay.

This time, you keep me informed all the way.

And when this thing is over with,

I want a full investigation.

-Investigation?

What kind of investigation?

-We have a responsibility to the public.

I mean, it's my head.

Those bear are supposed to be in the high country.

-That's where we put 'em.

-Two possibilities.

One of 'em came back, or you didn't do your job.

-No way.

We tagged every one of those bears.

Arthur Scott knows every bear that's in this forest.

No way he could have missed one.

-Okay, then Scott's the man I want to talk to.

Now, you get him on the wire and get his ass out here.

Kelly!

I hope I'm not talking to myself.

-I read you...loud and clear.

[Static]

-So, one of the first things Christopher George says --

that's Christopher George playing chief park ranger

Michael Kelly -- is, "This is

the largest postseason crowd we've ever had."

Postseason? [Laughter]

The season is over.

Now, why wouldn't you want the scene with the backpackers

swarming all over the trading post,

buying cheap souvenirs? Why wouldn't you want that

to be the firstday of the summer season?

Especially if you're doing a "Jaws" rip-off.

Darcy? -Is that important?

-Well, yes, because what do bears do

in the postseason?

They hibernate! [Laughter]

They're not fierce. They're sleepy.

-Maybe they wanted to emphasize that this is not a normal bear.

-No, they wanted to shoot the movie

in late November and December. [Laughter]

And they didn't have enough manpower

to paste the leaves back on the trees.

And also, what's the point of the scene

where Allison tells her dad

to charge the tourists more for the wine?

I mean, she does restaurant accounting

andphotojournalism? -You're way too picky.

-Actually, there's a -- there's a cult surrounding this film,

and it's a dedicated cult.

And they know every frame of it and every line.

For example, the first two victims,

if you follow the fan press,

they are known as Red Shirt Girl and Pink Shirt Girl.

[Laughter] And there was an Internet myth

for a long time that one of those girls

was Susan -- Susan Backlinie.

Um, Susan Backlinie

is famous for one thing, and one thing only.

She was the first victim in "Jaws."

And so you can still find a lot of people

saying Susan Backlinie is the first victim

in both "Jaws" and "Grizzly."

But Susan Backlinie is not in this movie.

She's in the "Day of the Animals,"

the next movie that William Girdler made

after this movie. At any rate,

we're introduced to the first two bear dinners

when they walk into a clearing, and one of them says,

"We must have walked 10 miles today."

And then they sit down at their active campfire,

which I guess has been untended in the woods

for how many hours while they were

walking those 10 miles?

So they already deserve to die.

And then they get a warning from the ranger on horseback

that, "This is a pretty tricky area."

[Laughter]

What does that mean? How is the area tricky?

[Chuckles] But we do find out,

a couple of scenes later.

After ripping off the arm of the first girl,

the bear chases the second girl into a shack,

and then he goes in after her through the roof,

destroying the whole shack,

and then tossing her around like a rag doll.

But when Ranger Kelly arrives a short time later,

the bear has repaired and rebuilt the shack.

[Laughter]

So Ranger Kelly has to go to a back entrance,

where the dead girl falls out of the ceiling

because the bear also had time, after he rebuilt the shack,

to string the victim up in some kind of booby-trap device

so that it would dangle in front of the ranger.

This is one resourceful bear. [Laughter]

-So that explains it. -Explains what?

-It's a tricky area.

They have unexplained bear behavior there.

-Okay, I guess so. But I would be remiss, though,

if I didn't point out the performance

of Charles Kissinger as the autopsy doctor.

Somebody says, "Bears don't eat people."

And he says, "This one did." [Laughter]

And that's Charles Kissinger.

He was better known as the Fearmonger,

host of "Fright Night"

on WDRB Channel 41 in Louisville.

And he appeared in seven of William Girdler's nine films.

And in fact, he starred in William Girdler's

first two cheapie films,

"Asylum of Satan" and "Three on a Meathook."

-Nice. -Um...

he was actually a Shakespearean actor.

He was a major force at the Actors Theatre of Louisville,

which is one of the most respected

regional theaters in America. So, just a quick plug

for the horror host... -Yay.

-...as the autopsy doctor.

The Fearmonger, unfortunately, passed away in 1991,

but Channel 41 had canceled "Fright Night" back in the '70s.

The bastards. [Laughter]

Okay, back to the movie.

This movie was filmed in, um, Clayton, Georgia.

[Harmonica plays blues]

They wanted to film it in the Pacific Northwest,

because that's where grizzly bears actually live.

But Clayton, Georgia, in the '70s,

was recruiting filmmakers like crazy.

"Come to Clayton, Georgia. Make your film here."

And they say -- And their pitch was, "Come film here.

Did you see 'Deliverance'? That's us."

[Laughter] That was their pitch.

That "Deliverance" was filmed there in Northeast Georgia

and that Billy Redden was from there.

Remember Billy Redden? -I don't think so.

-He was the kid in "Dueling Banjos."

-Oh. -He didn't really know

how to play the banjo.

They just cast him because they thought

he looked a little inbred. -What?

-I thought he was a master banjo player.

-No, he didn't play banjo. So, Clayton, Georgia,

I guess the Chamber of Commerce or whatever in Clayton, Georgia,

they're out there going, "We'll make you a good deal.

Bring your movie here. We're the 'Deliverance' people.

We raped Ned Beatty." You know, something like that.

So, William Girdler is always looking to save a nickel.

And he goes, "Okay, sure. You got any grizzlies there?

No? Okay, well, we'll bring one out."

And so they flew the grizzly out from Washington State.

They flew him on Spirit. You know?

He had to change planes three times,

but they got him. -Hiyo.

[Laughter]

[Harmonica plays blues]

[Static]

-We interrupt this program

to bring you a special news bulletin.

Two young women were savagely killed last night

by what the local authorities believe to be a large bear.

Michael Kelly, ranger in charge of operations,

orders all backpackers in the high country

to evacuate the area immediately.

Campers in all other areas of the park

should not venture into the upper regions

until the rangers are certain that the bear

has been apprehended and the areas declared safe.

If anyone should see this animal,

please contact your local authorities

or the Park Ranger Service immediately.

Stay tuned to 1060 News

for further up-to-the-minute news bulletins.

[Indistinct conversations]

-If Scotty's not in the office, where is he?

Alright, if he's in the field, connect me.

[Door opens, closes]

You mean you won't connect me, or you can't connect me?

Well, you listen to me, you little...

I've got two girls, ages 19 to 20,

both eaten to the bone.

So don't give me any of your bullshit about regulations.

Now, you get Scotty on that field phone,

or you're gonna be in the unemployment line

tomorrow morning! You get that?!

Yeah, I'm still here.

Sit down.

[Birds chirping]

[Indistinct beeping]

-No! No!

[Beeping]

What the hell's the matter with you down there?

I gave strict orders.

Who is this?

-It's Kelly, Scotty. Kelly!

-Kelly, do you know what you just did?

I had a whole family of deer up here.

I been following them, living with them,

and you scared them off. What happened?

-It's a bear, killed two girls,

but the funny thing happened is that he buried one of them.

-But bears do that anyway.

They cover their kill with a shallow grave.

Then they go away, they come back later, and finish eating.

-Look, Kittridge is holding you and me responsible,

so just pack it up and get your carcass in here

as fast as you can. -Alright.

-Who's Scott?

-He's a naturalist attached to this department.

[Telephone rings in distance]

You know, I think he knows every bear

in this forest personally.

-[Laughs]

You guys really love what you're doing, don't you?

-Yeah.

Yeah, we really do.

Sure has changed my values around.

-Changed your values? From what, Kelly?

-Well, I -- I had a perfect plan to fame and fortune.

-So, what happened? -I tried a shortcut.

See, I married this beautiful lady,

who just by chance happened to be filthy rich.

Trouble was, we were both mercenaries.

And after a while, I -- I just wanted out.

I couldn't hack it anymore. -You left?

-Well, it was a little more subtle than that.

I made believe I was having an affair,

and that turned her on.

So I sold all my holdings,

gave it to Salvation Army, became a ranger.

Thatturned her off.

-[Laughs]

You're lying, aren't you?

-What do you think?

-I really don't care.

[Birds chirping] [Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-Well, we're down in Area 3 already.

I don't think he's gonna come down this far.

-These woods are so damn thick, you can't see anything anyway.

-Yeah, he could be hiding anywhere, huh?

-Well, one thing's for sure. He's not around here.

-Look, why don't you go over and take a break.

I'll go up to Powder Ridge and check it out

and be back in about 15 minutes.

-Good, I can go soak my feet in the stream.

-Okay.

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

Oh, my God! No!

No!!

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

[Soft orchestral music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-Have another drink?

♪♪

-When will I stop remembering?

-It should take about 25 years.

♪♪

-[Scoffs]

Poor Tom.

-He liked her, didn't he?

♪♪

-[Inhales deeply]

Boy, there's something I'm not doing!

-Sure, you're not killing the bear.

♪♪

-I don't think I'm cut out for this.

♪♪

You know what I enjoy?

Giving lectures around the campfire,

showing slides, taking long rides in the woods,

and just watching the animals.

[Scoffs]

-For a man who thought of himself as a mercenary,

you're doing pretty fine.

-Oh, yeah. There's a killer bear out there,

and I'm sitting around here crushing ice cubes in my mouth.

Where the hell is that damn Scott?

-He'll be here. I mean, there's nothing else

you can do, but wait. -Oh, yes, there is,

except I'm too paralyzed to know what it is.

♪♪

-You better have another drink.

-Nah.

-How about another ice cube?

-Yeah.

[Helicopter blades whirring]

You know, Don, I wanna thank you for helping us out.

Sure gonna make finding that bear a lot easier.

-Maybe it's got some kind of favorite cave.

-No, the reason we can't find him is, keeps moving.

And he has a few million acres to cover his tracks.

-Well, if it moves near a clearing,

we might just pick him up.

-Can you get this bird any closer?

-No, negative.

Too much downdraft today.

Might push it into the trees.

-[Sighs]

Feel like I've been wearing these things permanently.

-Have you locked into any of his patterns yet?

You know, bears got patterns.

-Patterns, yeah, patterns.

He likes women, and he keeps moving.

-Sort of like me. Always trawling.

-Yeah, yeah. -[Chuckles]

-What about that filly you been riding?

Oh, I didn't know it was that way now.

[Chuckles] No offense, my man.

[Chuckles]

[Helicopter blades whirring]

[Upbeat orchestral music plays]

-Hey, take her down, take her down.

I think I see something.

♪♪

Oh, boy, that might be our baby.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hold it, Kelly! Are you crazy?!

-What the hell are doing up here?!

-Trying to find your bear.

-Well, you're supposed to be down at camp!

Kittridge has been all over me! -You better tell that man

that that bear is not one of ours.

-Are you sure? -Positive.

-Well, you still should have come on down.

-Why? I can do better on my own.

-You almost got your tail shot off.

-[Chuckles] Yeah, almost.

-Boy, if you ain't a big bag of grits.

What the hell you'd have done

if you'd have caught that big brown?

-It isn't a big brown. It's a grizzly.

-Grizzly?! -Mm-hmm.

-Ain't no grizzlies up here.

I used to hunt these woods for years.

It can't be a grizzly.

-Come on, Scotty, they were killed off years ago.

Big bounty hunt, remember?

-This one survived.

-[Laughs] I'm telling you, it can't be.

-I'm telling you, we got a grizzly,

and then some. Guys, I'm a little bushed.

Can I hitch a ride back with you?

-Yeah, come on.

-You know that the average grizzly,

he's about, uh, 7 feet tall.

-Some of 'em, shorter. -Mm-hmm.

This one here is at least 15 feet.

-Oh, no. Maybe in Alaska.

Just maybe, but not down here. -Righthere.

I just checked the claw marks on a tree.

-Now, that means he's established his territory.

The whole damn forest?

-What you're talking about is unreal.

-Wait, I got a little more.

According to the depth of his paw prints,

he weighs over 2,000 pounds.

-[Chuckles] -Pshew.

You boys want a bite? -Mnh-mnh.

-Look, Scotty, you may be

some kind of authority on all this,

but what you're talking about is science fiction.

It's a fairy tale! [Chuckles]

-Science? Yeah. Fiction? No.

See, the only known grizzlies that large

were called Arctodus Ursus Horribilis.

-Oh. -And they were

the mightiest carnivores in the Pleistocene era.

-Yeah, well, when was that? -About a million years ago.

-Ah, he's a mere baby then! -Well, he was a hardy ancestor

that managed to hang in there. -What in the hell is

a million-year-old grizzly doing here?

-He's looking for food.

See, they're strictly carnivores, those things.

They sure do love meat.

-Well, in that case, let's get the hell out of here.

-Sure enough.

[Indistinct conversation] [Critters chittering]

-♪ I've been working on the railroad ♪

♪ All the livelong day ♪

♪ I've been working on the railroad ♪

♪ Just to pass my time away ♪

♪ Can't you hear the whistle blowing? ♪

♪ Rise up so early in the morn ♪

♪ Can't you hear the captain shouting ♪

[Kids talking, laughing]

♪ Dinah, blow your horn? ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you blow, Dinah, won't you blow ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you blow your horn? ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you blow, Dinah, won't you blow ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you blow your horn? ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen, I know ♪

[Crickets chirping]

[Kids singing faintly in distance]

[Bottle spritzing]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-o ♪

♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-o-o-o ♪

♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-o, strummin' on the... ♪

[Bear roaring] -Aaah!

-[Screaming]

-No-o-o! -No-o!

[Indistinct shouting]

No!

No-o!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Bear roaring]

[Campers screaming]

-Oh! -Oh, no! Don't go near her!

Do something! Do something!

-Somebody do something! [Screaming continues]

[Static]

-So, when Ranger Gail tells her boyfriend,

"I'm gonna soak my feet in the stream,"

and then she takes off more than just her shoes --

in fact, she takes off all her clothes --

we get the only wild-animal-POV pervert breathing sound

I've ever witnessed in a movie. Did you notice that, Darcy?

-I did. And it was hot.

-A heavy-breathing, aroused, killer bear is hot?

-The hottest. -I thought it was pretty obvious

the bear is getting turned on by his upcoming meal.

And that actress, Victoria Johnson,

is on her way to becoming the Penthouse Pet of the Month

for August of that year. The movie came out in May,

and then she was Pet of the Year in 1977.

-Oh. -Victoria was an Atlanta girl

who was also the body double for Angie Dickinson

in "Dressed to Kill."

But what's even more interesting about that scene is

that if you study the angle of the bear paw that kills her --

'cause that's all we see -- all we see is the paw,

like your paw -- -Paw.

-That's actually a better paw than they have in the movie.

[Laughter] -Oh, that's me.

-If you -- If you study that angle,

she had to be either turned upside down...

-Oh, yeah. [Laughter]

-It would require the bear to be holding her

by her ankles with his other paw.

-Ooh, yeah. [Laughter]

What? -Or she would have to be

standing on the bear without realizing

that he's there. -Ooh, yeah.

-You like bloody, outdoor, waterfall bestiality?

-Only if it's kinky. -Well, it is kinky.

This is one -- This is one wily perv bear.

Actually, the killer bear is a combination of a real bear,

footage of a black bear in the wild,

that they took, that fake paw,

an electronic bear that malfunctioned

because they left it out in the rain,

and it stopped working... [Laughter]

...a guy in a bear suit,

and then twoguys in a bear suit to make the bear taller.

[Laughter] And the bear was --

The -- The bear was either 20 feet tall --

that's what it said on the poster --

20 -- "20 feet of grizzly" -- [Laughter]

...or 15 feet tall --

that's what they say in the scene

that we just watched -- or 11 feet tall,

which was the actual height of the grizzly that they rented

from an animal trainer in Washington state,

when the bear stood up on its hind legs.

Which they would make it stand on its hind legs

by dangling a fish on a pole

[Chuckling] in front of the bear.

And actually, I'm getting my genders mixed up here,

because the bear in the movie -- the bear in the movie is male,

because they do refer to it as "him."

But the rent-a-bear was actually the mother of Bart the Bear.

Do you remember Bart the Bear -- the famous Bart the Bear?

He appeared in several movies.

He's the only animal actor ever to appear at the Academy Awards.

He presented the envelope to Mike Myers in 1998

at the Academy Awards.

But Bart the Bear was a highly trained bear.

His mother, not so much.

But they nicknamed her Teddy,

and they made sure

she was surrounded by an electrified fence

anytime that she had to interact with the cast.

So, and then just before

the -- the future Penthouse Pet of the Year

goes full-frontal in that scene,

we have the Crowd Fleeing the Woods scene,

because we need a copycat scene

for the Swimmers Fleeing the Ocean scene in "Jaws."

Right? -They do.

-And they imply that there's some kind of radio report

that everybody hears at the same time.

And so the campers fled down the mountainside all together.

So I guess they have loudspeakers mounted

in the trees or something.

Otherwise, I don't think every camper in the woods

would join a fleeing horde at the same time

to escape the camp.

And -- But what we're dealing with here

is Arctodus Ursus Horribilis,

which doesn't exist anywhere near Clayton, Georgia.

There is a -- That is a type of bear,

but it doesn't -- it's not in Georgia.

As the helicopter pilot, Don, says, What the hell

is a million-year-old grizzly doing here?"

And the answer to that will take us

to a couple of New York screenwriters

who were apparently making up the rules as they went.

And just so we can cover all the bear's fetishes,

please note that after Teddy eats the supermodel,

he passes up 17 campers

that are sitting out in the open,

singing "We've Been Working on the Railroad"

so that he can go after the babe in the flannel nightie,

who has already zipped up her tent for the night.

-Yeah, he does. [Laughter]

-You are cheering for the bear. -I am, man.

-You're supposed to be afraid of the bear.

But the grizzly rips through that canvas,

and he carries her away and he does his nasty work

while the husband just sits there chugging a Schlitz.

And the campers fail to notice a 20-foot-tall,

growling creature approach through the clearing.

This bear is so good at what he does.

-That's what she said. [Laughter]

I had to. -Roll the film.

You really say that? -Yep.

-Alright, I doubt that I have to point this out,

but we now have the entire "Jaws" principal cast lined up.

Um, Police Chief Martin Brody of Amity Island, Massachusetts,

played by Roy Scheider in "Jaws,"

is reincarnated as chief park ranger Michael Kelly

in "Grizzly."

Um, Marine biologist Matt Hooper,

played by Richard Dreyfuss,

becomes naturalist Arthur Scott, who lives with the bears,

played by Richard Jaeckel. And Captain Quint,

the battle-hardened ship captain played by Robert Shaw,

becomes Don Stober,

the battle-hardened helicopter pilot,

played by Andrew Prine.

And all three of those "Grizzly" headliners

were guys who -- well, they were really guys

who played supporting parts in big-budget movies,

but they play leads in small-budget movies --

character actors who can transition

into carrying a movie.

And their faces were pretty well-known to the public.

In fact, all three of them appeared together

in the John Wayne movie "Chisum."

They're all manly men. You know?

In fact, two of them posed nekkid,

in magazines in the '70s, when that was a big thing.

-Yay! [Laughter]

-Andrew Prine posed for Vivamagazine.

That was an erotic fantasy magazine for women.

And Christopher George posed for Playgirl

in June 1974, when he was 43 years old.

-I've seen that one. Rowr. [Laughter]

-Really? It is kind of a famous beefcake photo,

because he's -- he's reclining and eating watermelon.

[Laughter]

And has a very phallic knife in his hand.

-He is doing that.

-Uh, sounds like you want a threesome

with Christopher George and the bear.

-[ Chuckles ] Bring it on, baby.

[Laughter]

[Harmonica plays blues]

♪♪

[Static]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Alright, you people, move on back.

Let's go now. Go on back to your campsites.

We got it here. Go on back.

Come on, now. Get those kids out of here.

Let's go. Show's over. Come on.

Clear on out.

Everybody back to your campsite.

Keep it movin'. That's it.

[Indistinct conversations]

-[Sniffles] -Mr. Walker?

You can, uh --

Well, you can ride in the ambulance.

-Sally loved me, Mister.

She really did.

-Come on.

[Engine starts]

[Police radio chatter]

-What the hell happened?

I thought you said he was in the high country.

-Did I say that? Well, I guess he came down.

-Kelly, this is your baby, your responsibility.

I'll wash my hands of it. -You'll wash your hands of it.

Well, it's your park, Mr. Park Supervisor.

-And this is your district, nobody else's,

and that bear is yours. -Correction on that.

-You didn't do the job, Scott.

-Hey, you got your head in the sand.

We got a killer grizzly on our hands.

-Scott, you're a maniac, always were,

running around in costumes. There are no grizzlies.

-[Chuckles] Oh, you donkey. -Come on, let's go, Scott.

-Kelly, I want that damn bear!

-Then give me some men from Washington.

-Yeah, and blow this thing out of proportion?

Listen, campers come in here, they leave food around,

the bears get the smell of it, and that's it!

-Well, this is different!

This bum's eating his victims!

-I have to agree. Four people have been killed.

So let's quit arguing responsibility!

-You've got enough men at your disposal.

Now, either you do the job or I will.

-Yeah, sure, you will.

[Footsteps departing]

[Engaging orchestral music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-If there's a bear out there, I'm gonna get him.

-Not if I get him first. -You be careful.

[Indistinct conversation]

♪♪

-You got the ammo, Charlie? -Yep, I got plenty.

-We'll flush that old-boy out. -Easy, fella, easy.

Don't get rambunctious. -Come on, let's move out.

-Be careful, now.

[Dogs barking]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

♪♪

-Damn dogs.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hunters?

What the hell are they doing out here?

-Probably looking for your bear.

-Who opened up this forest for the hunters, huh?

You know that those clowns --

they're going to shoot everything in sight.

-Well, let 'em. They might get that old bear for us.

-Yeah, including some of my rangers.

I'm heading back.

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

[Birds screeching]

♪♪

-Jesus.

♪♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

[Wings fluttering]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Foliage rustling]

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

God!

Oh, geez!

[Bear roaring]

[Grunting]

♪♪

Oh! Oh!

♪♪

Oh, God! Oh, God!

♪♪

Aah. Oh, God!

♪♪

Oh, Jesus!

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

[Footsteps approaching]

[Telephone rings in distance]

-There are seats in this room.

-[Sighs] -I don't wanna sit.

I wanna know what those hunters are doing out there.

-I didn't have a choice.

-Do you know, you made it open season

for every animal in those woods.

-My instructions were clear. They're hunting for bear.

-It's not bear, it's grizzly. There's a difference.

-A bear is a bear.

-A bear is not a bear, believe it or not.

Besides you got a bunch of drunken bums out there,

not professional hunters! -I can't help that.

You always get a few crazies.

-I want 'em out of my forest. -[Chuckles]

It's not yourforest, Kelly.

-[Sighs]

-Do you know those woods are full of campers?

-Not in R3 and R4.

-Do you think they're walking around

with a map or something? -They're in no danger!

-Bull!

-I'm through. -No.

I'd like to ask you something.

Why are you on my ass?

-I'm glad you asked that.

Kelly, you're a maverick.

We don't have room for mavericks.

-Well, let me tell you something, Kittridge.

While you've been sitting around here on your fat ass,

I've made this forest part of me.

-You listen here, you -- -No, youlisten!

Those hunters are in my jurisdiction,

and I'm gonna deal with them the way I see fit.

Now, you just try and stop me.

Scotty, wake up.

-[Clears throat]

[Sighs]

[Birds chirping]

[Traffic passing]

-Tom? -Yeah?

-You okay? -Fine.

Bastard got ahold of a hunter.

He managed to get away.

-Where is he? -Over at the clinic.

He's really beat up. -He's also one lucky hunter.

-[Whistles] -Yeah.

-Okay, let's go.

Hey, Scotty, will you take Don over to pick up his stuff?

[Indistinct conversation]

[Crickets chirping]

[Engine starts]

-Hey, load in some extra rifles.

We'll need 'em.

-I was feeling unloved. -Well, so was I.

But I'm glad you stopped by. We're just getting ready

to take off. -I'm coming with you.

-Look, it's a butcher shop out there,

and you just couldn't handle it. -I couldn't?

-Alright, maybe Icouldn't handle it, then.

-Look, I'll stay out of your way.

-Honey, it's not safe out there.

Now, I don't want to see you get hurt.

I mean, for both our sakes.

-Is that a line that's supposed to make me feel grateful?

-And I don't feel like playing little boy-girl games.

-You just said the wrong thing. -Now, you just pack it up.

You're not going with me. -Damn it, Kelly!

-I'm glad you see it my way. Really!

[Critters chittering]

[Ominous music plays]

[Bear panting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grunting]

-[Screams]

[Bear breathing heavily]

-[Laughs]

-I just lost 20 years.

-[Chuckles]

-This just might be that old grizzly's cub.

-No way. -It's a possibility.

-Hey. Hey, listen.

That thing might come in here after that cub.

-Well, let's get him outta here.

-He's right, put it back in the woods.

-Hey, I got an idea.

We'll use this cub as bait.

We'll take it back in there, find us a clearing.

We'll go in the blinds.

Ol' Mama come by, then pow!

[Bear breathing heavily]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

-It's a lot different from deer hunting.

-Yeah, that damn thing fights back.

-Hey, we gonna have to hold the noise down.

The damn thing might not come anywhere around.

[Bear roaring]

-Shh.

[Bear roars]

[Thud]

[Static]

-So the giant prehistoric pervert killer grizzly

is also a pedophile cannibal? -Yeah, he is.

-Oh. So the idiot hunters use the bear cub as bait.

And the grizzly goes, "Mmm! Found me some veal!"

-Pretty much.

-It's interesting that they fade to black

so you don't have to witness

a giant bear attacking a baby bear.

-I totally get that, though.

-Alright. Let's talk about Kittridge,

the park superintendent who refuses to close the park

and send the campers home.

Of course, in "Jaws," we know why the mayor

won't close the beach.

The economy of Amity Island is 100% tourism,

so they only make money in those three summer months.

The three summer months support the other nine months

of the year.

But Kittridge, played by Joe Dorsey,

runs a national park.

If he were to close it until they caught the bear,

the result would be disastrous for...who?

I mean...campers who had to change their reservation

to another national park?

And then he has these lines like,

"Kelly, you're a maverick,

and we don't have time for mavericks."

So, Christopher George is a maverick park ranger?

You know? Has he done anything remotely maverick-like so far?

I mean, the strangest thing he's done

is try to break up the crowd by yelling,

"Return to your campsites!"

Not, "Return to your homes." Not, "Return to your cars."

"Return to your campsites."

And they do. They just go back to their campsites.

The bear counts on humans being stupid.

Well, he hit the jackpot in Clayton, Georgia.

So, let's talk about the filmmakers,

starting with William Girdler.

William Girdler is sort of a mythic presence in Louisville.

Bill Girdler was born in 1947

into one of the richest families in Kentucky.

His father was an industrialist who built and operated

hydrogen power plants throughout the country.

And you know how when filmmakers give the biographies,

they always say, "I was making Super 8 films

in my backyard from the time I was 8 years old."

They always say that.

So, Bill Girdler was such a fan of movies

when he was 8 years old

that his parents built him a screening room.

And so -- Now, let me put that in perspective.

In 1955, the only people who had private screening rooms at home

were the heads of the eight major Hollywood studios...

and Bill Girdler,

because, first of all, you don't just put in seats and a screen.

You needed a projection booth.

It was all 35-millimeter film.

And you needed a 35-millimeter projector.

And actually two 35-millimeter projectors

because films were on reels.

And so at the end of each reel there'd be a little

"3, 2, 1" countdown in the lower right-hand corner of the frame.

And that was the signal for the projectionist

to hit start on the second projector when it got to zero.

And so when that reel was playing

for about 20 minutes of reel,

he'd be loading the other projector for the next reel.

And movies were anywhere from 4 to 8 reels,

so you needed a professional paid projectionist

who knew how to work with 35-millimeter film.

But you also had to get the films themselves.

No problem.

His parents just paid the license fees

like a regular theater and had them flown in,

or they would occasionally borrow them from local theaters.

So the film cans would be delivered to the house.

And Bill Girdler's personal projectionist --

he's 8 years old -- would thread them up.

So Bill Girdler -- his friends remembered

that he was the only 8-year-old

who was picked up after school by a chauffeur.

Okay? So that's Bill Girdler.

So Bill Girdler becomes the only kid

who learns to make movies

by watching hundreds of great movies

in his own private screening room.

Then he goes to military school

because that's what people do in his family.

And then at age 18, he joins the Air Force

and he gets his first chance to be a filmmaker.

And he's stationed in California in a division of the Air Force

that makes documentaries and educational films.

And I wonder if he was working with those guys

who made "Slaughterhouse,"

because that's what they did, too, in California

for the Air Force.

And his first real movie is called "Hurricane Hunters."

He worked sound and camera for the Air Force

on location in Puerto Rico.

And he also did the editing on that movie.

And so he gets out of the Air Force in 1972.

He takes a job back home in Louisville

as the floor director at WAVE TV Channel 3.

And he also sets up a production company

that makes commercials for companies

advertising on Channel 3

because his grandfather gave him a warehouse

that he converted into a soundstage.

So at the age of 25, he makes his first feature,

shot it on Super 8.

"The Satan's Spectrum." Also called "Asylum of Satan."

About a woman who wakes up in an insane asylum

run by Satanists.

And Charles Kissinger,

The Fearmonger that I referred to before,

played a triple role, including one character in drag.

And Girdler paid the Church of Satan

for technical advice,

and he purchased a devil's costume

that had been made for "Rosemary's Baby" but never used.

And despite this -- He had a $60,000 budget.

And despite this pretty serious effort, the film went nowhere.

Terrible reviews. Total loss for the local investors.

And so for his second film,

the investors refused to come back.

So he took $30,000 out of his trust fund

to make a "Psycho" rip-off called "Three on a Meathook"

also starring Kissinger,

a film that is sometimes referenced

by viewers of this show, I'm surprised to say.

But, again, no profit on that film.

But it gets noticed by Sam Arkoff

at American International Pictures,

and AIP finances his next three movies,

which is a good thing because his trust fund got cut off.

So he goes to LA

and he makes three blaxploitation pictures

in the heyday of the blaxploitation craze.

And those movies are pretty decent movies.

"The Zebra Killer."

Also called "The Get-Man" or "Combat Cops."

It had several names.

It's about a maniac Black killer who turns out not to be Black.

It's a white maniac killer who paints his face

with black shoe polish and wears an Afro wig

so he can get revenge on the cop who sent his dad to prison.

-What?! -So, yeah.

That picture is pretty good.

It should have made money, but the theaters dropped it

because they thought it was demonizing Black people.

In fact, it was demonizing white people

who demonized black people.

Anyway, the theaters didn't like that on-the-nose

racial implication of the movie. -I get that.

-But he finally had his breakthrough movie

with the second film he made for Sam Arkoff -- "Abby."

Now, I've talked about "Abby" before.

"Abby" was a $400,000 film,

featured one of the big blaxploitation stars of the day,

William Marshall. -Yay.

-William Marshall, best known as the star of "Blacula."

"Scream Blacula Scream."

But this was an "Exorcist" rip-off.

The title character is played by Carol Speed,

and she's a preacher's wife who gets possessed

by Eshu the demon, who has sex with her in the shower,

and he gives her many orgasms,

and that causes her to become a sex-crazed,

obscenity-spouting pariah of the town.

-That totally happened to me.

[Laughter]

-What do you mean?

You had sex with a demon or you became sex-crazed

or you started cursing like a sailor

or you got shunned by the town? Which of --

-All of the above. All of it. -Okay.

So you could have worked with William Girdler

if you had been born two generations earlier.

-Damn. I just missed it.

-So, "Abby" also starred Juanita Moore as Abby's mom.

Juanita Moore was one of the classiest actors of the time.

She was nominated for an Academy Award

for "Imitation of Life" back in 1959.

So, anyway, the movie had a big budget for --

For AIP, it was a big budget,

and it had these big African-American famous names.

It had sex. It had demon possession.

And so it opened huge.

And because it opened huge,

it got immediately sued by Warner Bros.

Warners went through this period where they sued any movie

that had an exorcism in it.

But here's the great thing about this one.

Warners lost.

The judge said, "You cannot own the word 'exorcist.'

You cannot own the exorcism right."

So the lawyers attacked the wrong things.

They could have attacked things in "Abby"

that were just straight rip-offs.

But "Abby" ended up making more money

than "Blacula,"

and William Girdler realized, "Wow.

It's kind of easy to take these blockbuster films

and copy them, and the courts don't care."

So I really think "Grizzly" was born

the day the judge rendered his verdict on "Abby."

And then Girdler made one last movie for AIP.

"Sheba, Baby."

And that starred the superstar Pam Grier.

But she hated being in Louisville, Kentucky,

and she did not get along well with Girdler.

The script was not that good.

The movie did good box office,

but basically on Pam Grier's name.

But it's probably the weakest

of the three AIP flicks that he did.

And then Girdler wanted to make a movie in the Philippines,

because this was the golden age of Filipino action flicks.

So he made a political thriller called "Project: Kill" in 1976,

starring Leslie Nielsen,

and he ended up living in Leslie Nielsen's guest house

because he was running out of money again.

But then "Grizzly" happened,

and people knew exactly what it was

because the original poster tagline

was, "The most dangerous jaws in the land."

That was the tagline on the poster.

So behold the man's legacy. Roll the film.

♪♪

Have you ever seen "Great White"?

-I don't think so. -That's a "Jaws" rip-off.

They didn't even bother to change animals on that one.

Italian, of course.

But if you think this is a rip-off,

that one was so obvious that the courts just said,

"Okay. Shut that one down. Give us all the prints."

All the prints now belong to Universal.

Universal still has the prints.

They have kept "Great White" out of sight for 40 years.

They still will not allow anybody --

They will not allow that movie to be released anywhere.

-Well, now I really want to see it.

-I know. Right? There are some bootlegs

because it was released in Italy.

-Oh. I promise you I'll have a copy of it by tomorrow.

-You're so good.

You're so good at those espionage projects.

But "Grizzly" and "Great White"

were released by the same company,

Film Ventures International.

We've talked about them before. Owned by Edward L. Montoro.

You remember him? The guy who cut up "Antropophagus."

And then he took $1 million out of the bank,

went to the airport, and was never seen again.

-Yes, yes.

-But you know why I think Ed Montoro is still alive?

It's got to be eating him up.

He wants that "Great White" money.

You know, one week in theaters,

and then, whammo, the movie gets seized by the authorities.

Not just shut down for the time being. Seized!

So he feels like Universal stole an entire movie from him.

He cannot die, because he wants revenge on Universal.

Edward Montoro would be 95 today if he's still alive --

'cause they never found him.

But alright.

I appeal to our Latin American viewers,

especially those in assisted-living facilities,

because he headed your way in 1984.

Look for the guy who mutters

about "Great White" in his sleep.

Maybe you can find him, Darcy.

-I'll put out the word that we want him on the show.

-I don't think we can have him on the show

because if he came on the show, he'd get arrested.

-He's like 95. No one's gonna arrest him.

-Well, anyway, "Great White."

That is the "Hogzilla" of shark movies.

-And I found "Hogzilla."

-You did find "Hogzilla." That's true. So...

One night only.

Edward L. Montoro presents "Great White,"

only on Shudder!

-Dude. Do not underestimate me.

-I would never underestimate you.

[Laughter]

[Static]

-Whose stupid idea was it to use that cub as live bait?

-It was mine. -The best kind of bait...

-It really doesn't make any difference anymore, does it?

-Anybody see it happen? -No.

She just grabbed up the cub, and that was it.

-We know one thing for sure. -What's that?

Our grizzly's a "he" instead of a "she."

-Now, how the hell do you know that?

You been peeking? -Don't have to.

Only the males are cannibalistic.

They'll eat a cub if they're hungry.

-Yeah, but does that help us, Scotty?

-It sure does. He's gonna retrace his route.

I mean, he's gonna come back to the scene of his crime.

-Well, then he still could be around here.

-He could be listening to us right now.

-Well, if that's the case, maybe we can flush him out.

-Can we help?

-Yeah, but we go by the book. Everyone follows orders.

-Call the shots, mister. -What's your name?

-Pat. -Okay, Pat.

You and the rest of the guys go up the north ridge.

That's Pinto Pass. -I know where it is.

-Alright. We're gonna spread and hold the line at Culver Basin.

Now, if he comes down, that's where he's coming down.

-Hey, listen, when y'all boys come down that ridge,

kind of make like a war party.

Make a lot of noise, will you?

Maybe that grizzly will head towards us, then.

-Alright. We'll expect you to be in place

and ready to go at daybreak.

-Yeah. Let's get with it. -Okay.

Tell him you're not gonna be going with us.

-What?

-You're not leaving me out of this, man. No way.

-I'm not leaving you out of anything.

I'm assigning you to Arrow Tower.

-Don't do me any favors.

Look, I can handle myself down here.

-Now, you cool off and listen.

Now, you know how thick it is down here.

Now, from up there, you might be able to spot him

and you might get a crack at him.

-Yeah, and I might just get left out

of this whole damn thing. -Tom!

You're not gonna be left out of anything. Okay?

-Wish to hell it would hurry up and get daylight.

-It won't be much longer. -Not?

-It's still a little bit chilly this morning, though.

Ain't it?

-Yeah, it's sort of cool for this time of year, anyway.

-Would you come on? -Alright.

Let's go.

-Let's keep it quiet, okay?

-Kelly, I'd like to have the first shot.

-Well, I can't promise that.

-We got a grizzly out there that's at least 15 feet tall,

weighs maybe 2,000, 3,000 pounds, right?

I want to capture him.

-You what? You want to capture it?

-That's right.

-[Chuckling]

-He's not kidding. -I've been developing these

brand-new tranquilizer shells and --

-Aw, Christ!

That shell won't penetrate the hair of his chinny-chin-chin.

-Not trying to kill him with it, mister.

Just want to put him to sleep. -Oh, yeah, well, that's fine.

But first you got to knock him down.

That baby won't do it.

-We'll see about that. -[Chuckling]

-Well, I sure hope you ain't out there alone.

You're liable to become its breakfast.

I figure that old grizzly's hungry again by now.

-Not for a while. I told you he just ate the cub.

I doubt if he's hungry now.

-Oh, yeah?

Well, that was merely an appetizer, my man.

I figure that old grizzly's had himself some human flesh,

and he ain't gonna settle for nothing else.

-[Chuckles] That's pretty ridiculous.

-It is, huh?

Well, let me tell you a little story, boy.

A long time ago, there was a tribe of Indians

up here in these woods.

They was all laid down with the pox,

uh, something I can't remember.

Anyway, this herd of grizzlies smelled 'em out.

They come in, and they ate 'em. They tore 'em all up.

Little children. The sick ones. Everybody.

There was a few braves that was healthy enough

to go out on the hunt.

They came back...

and the grizzlies turned on them.

So there you had a little situation.

A whole herd of man-eating grizzlies

was just running around, tearing up the Indians.

-That's pretty hard to believe.

-Unless you happened to be one of them Indians.

-Yeah.

Kelly. I can still root him out my own way.

Hell, I can look like him. I can smell like him.

Now, give me a chance. Let me go in!

-You got a dime? I'm gonna call his mama.

I mean, does your mama know that you're running around

out here in the woods, trying to act like a bear?

You smell like one, you scratching around on the ground like one?

I mean, does she know that you're making

a damn fool of yourself, you're chasing something

about the size of a D8 Cat with teeth?!

You know, I think your mama would be

a little disappointed in you.

-Maybe.

But not nearly as disappointed as she would be

if she had had you for a son, sonny.

-Scotty. Scotty!

You spotted him first. You get a crack at him.

But I don't want you going out in those woods alone.

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversation]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Com beeping]

-Coulson here.

-Do you see anything moving out there at all?

-Only your hunters tearing up the forest.

-Well, keep looking. He has to be out there someplace.

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

-[Wood cracking] -Jesus.

It's the grizzly!

-Hold on, Tom! Just hold on! We're on our way!

♪♪

Come on, Don! Come on!

[Bear roaring]

[Wood cracking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gun firing]

♪♪

-He's right there. We're almost there.

[Bear roaring]

[Wood cracking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-How do you think this bear thing is being handled?

-Okay, I guess. I mean, they kept the bear away from here,

and that's what counts.

I sure do feel sorry for that poor forest ranger, though.

-Yeah, I think we all feel the same way.

-I'm sorry. -So am I.

-Is there anything I can do?

-No. He had a family.

-Send some flowers.

-I've got a plan. But I need time and men.

-Kelly, I'm not -- -Listen!

Just listen.

He got Tom here.

Now, his first -- his first killing took place up here.

He circled and killed, circled and killed.

He circled and found and killed Gail here.

Then he circled again, got behind us, and killed Tom.

Now, I think he's gonna continue heading down,

looking for human food.

That thing seems to know what we're thinking.

And I'd like to get the jump on him this time.

-A grizzly is an animal, Kelly. Don't give it human qualities.

-He's not even listening to you, Kelly. Mnh-mnh.

See, he doesn't understand that we're dealing with

a highly intelligent beast.

-Scotty. Scotty!

Will you take that sandwich outside and eat it?

Please?

[Telephone rings]

Charley. Close the park and give me another crack at him.

-There is no need to close the park.

-Do you know that there are more --

more reporters out there and TV cameramen

than there are animals? It's a goddamn circus!

-I invited them. -You invited them?

-I want them to see the kind of clean, thorough job

that we're capable of doing.

-You're kidding!

We have five dead people, one raving, almost dead man,

and you call that clean?!

-We're doing everything in our--

-Bullshit! -Kelly!

-You know, I just figured you out.

You don't give a good goddamn if we get that grizzly or not!

As long as you get your press, so you can go to Washington

and get one of those nice dark-brown plastic offices!

-Get out!

-Well, you just lost your office.

Because when I'm finished with you,

there's not gonna be anybody there

waiting to shake your greasy, bloody hand.

-You are finished, dismissed, removed!

-Up yours.

[Dogs barking]

[insects chirping]

[Lighter clicking]

-For whatever it's worth, don't take it all on your shoulders.

They're not broad enough.

[Horn honking]

-Yeah, I mean, uh...

What the hell do hunters know about --

rangers know about hunting?

You know something, Scotty?

Do you know the kind of real-estate deal

I could make on this property?

I mean, if it was private property, of course.

First, I'd parcel off the lots then --

-Do whatever you like.

Now, if you wanna hang up your jock, that's your business.

-Scotty, do me a favor.

Go home.

-Mnh-mnh. I'm gonna get that grizzly.

-What? -You heard me.

-Stay out of the forest.

-Why? It's not just a job to me. I'm in the forest anyway.

It's like home to me. I like it there. And I can find him.

-You're crazy. You know that? You're crazy!

-Could be.

But meanwhile, you could just sit here

and nurse your battered pride and your Scotch,

and I'll get us our Ursus horribilis.

-[Chuckles]

[Door opens and closes]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

-Robert, you stay close, now, you hear?

Do you hear me? -Yes, ma'am.

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

-No! -Mommy!

Mommy, help!

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

-No!

[Crunch]

♪♪

[People murmuring faintly]

[Thunder rumbling]

-Carnival over?

-Yes.

-Everybody goes? -Yes.

-That includes the press, mister.

The park's closed.

-The people have a right to know.

-Oh, you got your story.

The story is about greed.

I don't want him to go to Washington.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

-Hey, that's a good lead line for the story.

-Well, your hands aren't clean either, pal.

You and your cameras, you've made it so exciting,

so attractive.

-We told it like it was. -No.

There's only one person who can tell it how it was.

And that's little Bobby.

-He's alive?

-Part of him is.

If we can get him to the city hospital in time.

[Speaks indistinctly]

[Engine starts]

[Siren wails]

[Static]

-Okay. Uh...

Little Bobby gets his leg ripped off by the bear,

and then the bear eats the kid's mother right in front of him.

But any kid of any age could enjoy that scene

because it was rated PG.

[Laughter]

[Sighs] Okay. We're in this.

Where do I start, Darcy?

-It doesn't bother me when the creatures eat the kids.

-You know, I know that you're a pro child-endangerment mom.

-I just think it's okay to do kill scenes with kids.

It shouldn't be taboo.

Kids get murdered in real life, so it's, like, realistic.

-Kill scenes with animals bother you

more than kill scenes with kids. -They do.

-Well, we got our first full view of Teddy in that sequence.

Have you noticed how no one ever sees or hears

a 2,000-pound, 15-foot-tall grizzly bear approaching?

It's always a surprise attack.

You know, by the time they go, "Hey, it's a bear,"

they're already dead. -You're nitpicking again.

-Okay. Let's start with this Andrew Prine,

who plays Captain Quint.

Oh, excuse me. As Robert Shaw.

Oh, excuse me

Vietnam vet helicopter pilot Don Stober.

He does that long speech that's supposed to be the same

as Robert Shaw's speech about the sinking

of the USS Indianapolis in "Jaws,"

explaining, you know --

Robert Shaw is explaining why he hates sharks.

This character is explaining why he hates grizzlies.

Did you notice in the opening titles

there are three screenwriters?

The third one is Andrew Prine.

That's because he wrote this speech himself.

And it's all about a village of Indians that was slaughtered

by a herd of man-eating grizzlies.

So, first of all,

there's no such thing as a herd of grizzlies.

They don't live in herds.

If a group of bears congregate, which is very rare --

they're not that social -- it's called a sleuth of bears.

-Wow. You should really be a camp counselor.

-I was a Boy Scout, Darcy.

I mean, we spend lots of time in the woods.

-I bet you do.

-And, supposedly -- Let me talk. -Okay.

-And, supposedly -- Somebody else says

in that same sequence, "He's tasted human flesh.

Now he won't settle for anything else."

Didn't we just watch him eat bear flesh, you know?

But, anyway, the main thing I want to ask is,

is copter pilot Don implying he's a Native American

traumatized by the death of his tribe

when they were attacked by maniacal grizzly bears?

Because, if so, that didn't come through.

Andrew should have declined that writing credit.

The scene ends up having nothing to do

with the story.

-The destruction of the tower was pretty cool.

-That's true. But, you know --

But once again, what's the purpose of a ranger tower?

So you can see the bear.

But this bear is so silent and invisible

that even though

it's 2,000 pounds and 15 feet tall,

it walks right up to the base of the tower

while Tom is doing nothing but staring

at the forest through binoculars.

Are we supposed to think it's a supernatural bear?

I mean, this corresponds to the scene in "Jaws"

where the shark destroys a boat.

So I'm surprised they didn't have somebody say,

"We're gonna need a taller tower," you know?

And, yet, the two screenwriters --

the two screenwriters are

Harvey Flaxman and David Sheldon.

They insist to this day that they wrote an original script

that has nothing to do with "Jaws."

Do you believe that, Darcy?

-It's a little hard to believe.

-You know, I don't want to discredit their claim.

In fact, I would love to have either

or both of them come to the show and defend their script.

But what they say is the idea for "Grizzly" arose

when Harvey Flaxman, who lived on Long Island,

took his family on a summer vacation

to Yellowstone National Park in July 1975,

and when they got there,

the park issued a grizzly-bear warning to the campers,

and that sparked the idea, which he took back to his friend

David Sheldon,

who ran the Gateway Summer Stock Theatre

in Bellport, Long Island,

which is where both of them had worked.

And David owned the theater.

Harvey had produced plays there.

And they worked out the plot together.

Now, just as an aside,

he does say his summer trip was in July 1975.

Well, "Jaws" was released on June 20, 1975.

Just saying.

-I feel like you're overanalyzing

the source material for "Grizzly."

-Yes, I am.

I am overanalyzing it because that's what I do.

Okay. So, the other writer is David Sheldon.

So, David Sheldon and Harvey Flaxman

were both born in Far Rockaway,

which is part of the borough of Queens

in New York City on the Atlantic Ocean.

So about as far from the grizzly habitat,

both in culture and in geography,

that you can possibly be.

But David Sheldon grew up on this Long Island farm

where his parents ran a resort hotel called the Gateway.

It's about halfway between Fire Island and the Hamptons.

And in the barn on their property,

Sheldon's sister ran this summer stock theater.

So, at the age of 17,

David started directing plays, acting in plays,

and he did that for 10 years.

And then he went to the Yale School of Drama.

He studied at the Actors Studio,

and that's where he met and married Joan McCall,

who would take Broadway by storm.

She starred in two Neil Simon plays on Broadway.

She starred in another play by Evan Hunter.

And that's why Joan McCall

is the love interest in "Grizzly."

She's married to David Sheldon.

She plays Allison. Although, in my opinion,

David wrote a very weak story line for his wife.

I mean, it's a love story, but is it a love story?

I don't even know if it's a love story

because she's basically finished in the film at this point.

She just disappears from the narrative.

She never comes back.

Supposedly they filmed this hot sex scene

in front of a roaring fireplace

between her and Christopher George,

but they decided later that more grizzly attacks

were a better use of screen time than that roaring sex scene.

Anyway, the Gateway Summer Stock Theatre

back in the '60s became a talent farm for Columbia Pictures.

Robert Duvall was spotted there.

Geraldine Page, Ken Howard, Gene Hackman.

And when Columbia would do the screen tests for these actors,

David Sheldon would direct the screen test.

So, eventually David Sheldon moves to Hollywood.

He develops projects for American International Pictures.

That's where he hooked up with William Girdler.

He was the producer on the first two

blaxploitation films that Girdler did.

They were partners on "Sheba, Baby."

He was the writer

on "Project: Kill" with Leslie Nielsen.

And then he was the executive producer

on all the rest of Girdler's movies.

Meanwhile, his wife, Joan McCall,

really didn't continue with acting

when they moved to the West Coast.

She was a theater actor.

And she never really quite made the transition to film,

but she became a writer herself.

Mostly she wrote for soap operas.

And she wrote a screenplay for "Heart Like a Wheel,"

that biopic on Shirley Muldowney,

the first female drag racer.

Anyway, so, these two Far Rockaway dudes

met at the Gateway Theater on Long Island.

Harvey Flaxman was writing and directing.

So was David Sheldon.

And the magic of "Grizzly"

evolved from their friendship into this...

homage to "Jaws."

Can we call it an "homaws"? -No.

-Okay. I didn't think so.

Okay. Roll the movie. I just wanted to explain --

Does Allison come back at the end

and hug the park ranger or something?

Do they shack up in a mountain cabin in the last scene?

-No. She's history.

-And they make a big deal

about how she's this strong, independent woman

who tells her dad how to better run his restaurant

by charging more for wine

and how she's making her way in a man's world.

But then when they're fighting the bear,

she's back at the lodge.

-You got to admit, though,

that when they have the love scenes,

the movie kind of just grinds to a halt.

-Yeah, I mean, they're not -- I mean,

they probably said, "Honey, just stay back at the lodge."

-Probably. -And that would be

the Sky Valley Ski Lodge in Rabun Gap, Georgia,

which at the time was the southernmost skiing resort

in North America.

Why would you tell people that?

"We're the southernmost skiing resort."

Unfortunately, it closed down and was left in ruins after 2007

because they realized there's no snow

at the southernmost skiing resort in North America.

That's what happens when you're

the southernmost skiing resort in North America.

So they weren't able to keep things going

with "'Grizzly' filmed here" publicity, you know?

"Here. Sleep in the roaring fireplace bedroom

where Christopher George and Joan McCall

had sex in a scene so bad

it's not even included on the DVD extras!"

That just didn't bring the tourists in, so it's sad.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-This feels like 'Nam all over again.

That special excitement.

-Well, we'll get him this time.

-You think so, huh? -Well, I haven't got a choice.

Hey, listen, I want to thank you.

I'd be in over my head without your help.

-You're getting it.

Alright.

If this ain't all ironic.

Now, in 'Nam,

I zapped about 100, maybe 200 gooks.

People.

We called them gooks so it wouldn't get personal.

But it did get personal, anyway.

So I stopped counting and tried to stop caring.

You know, now I don't kill nothing no more.

Not even flies. Made myself that promise.

-Well, I'm sorry.

-Nah. Sorry ain't necessary.

This is my choice. I could've said no.

Where's Scott?

-Ah, he went out there on his own. He's crazy.

-You know, that boy is weird.

♪♪

[Horse grunts]

♪♪

[Helicopter blades whirring]

♪♪

-What makes you think this old bear's

really moving back up-country?

-Well, what we know about grizzlies --

they don't like to stray.

-This one made it into town. I'd call that straying.

-Well, I think he's just lost.

He wants to go home where it's safe.

-We gonna help him go home?

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Here. -I got one.

-No, that army rifle you got ain't gonna get what we need.

This here is .30-06 with a K4 scope on it for fast shooting.

You gonna need it.

Hold this, will ya?

Oh, boy.

I wish my mom had taught me how to tie a knot.

Let's take it over there somewhere.

-Alright.

-If we get some kind of downwind,

old bear might smell this animal

and come on after it.

You could help.

[Bear grumbling]

[Michael grunting]

-Ah, this mother's heavy.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Hold it right there.

-I am holding it right there.

-Don, will you lift?

-What do you think I'm doing?!

[Grunts] Come here, sweetheart. Get on.

-Okay. Alright.

Whew.

-Here.

I'm gonna go on back and get the rest of the gear.

-Alright. I'll start in the blind.

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

[Critters chittering]

[Bear panting]

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

[Gun clicks]

[Bear roaring]

-Don! I hear him! He's on the run!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-We lost him.

-We were right behind him.

-I don't know about that. He's just gone.

-Christ! We must have run a mile.

-Only thing to do is go back to the copter.

♪♪

[Horse grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Horse neighs]

♪♪

♪♪

-Aw. Son of a bitch!

He figured us out.

He took us out and then circled back.

-That's what he did.

-You know, it's like, uh, we're a couple of his toys.

-We are.

You know, he could circle back 'round here again.

-Well, don't even say that,

'cause we gotta try and get some sleep.

-It's too late to track him now.

Let's go on back to the chopper. -Alright.

♪♪

♪♪

[Horse grunts]

♪♪

-Whoa.

[Horse whinnies]

♪♪

[Critters chittering]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Foliage rustling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Critters chittering]

♪♪

♪♪

-Are you sure you wanna take the first watch?

Oh, uh, by the way,

just in case you should fall asleep

and feel a wet snout on your face,

whatever you do, don't move and don't kiss it back.

'Cause it ain't me.

-Ha. That ain't funny.

-You know, you're right.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[insects chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Horse grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

-Kelly. Come in, Kelly.

-This is Kelly, Scotty. Where the hell are you?

-Never mind that. Just listen to me.

I found a partially eaten buck.

-That must been the one that we gutted.

-What are you talking about? -Never mind. Where are you?

-I think it was our grizzly that was doing the eating.

-Where the hell are you, Scotty?!

-What do you want? Compass coordinates?

-No, a street and ZIP will do.

-[Chuckles] Alright.

I'm above R4 in Zone A-21.

-Okay. Stay there. No. Listen.

On second thought, get the hell out of there.

He might be coming back for the rest of his meal.

-That's just what I'm hoping for.

Look. I got a rope. I'm gonna put it around his neck

and haul him through the woods to where you fellas are.

With any luck, our friend is gonna follow.

-Negative!

-I'm leaving right now. I'll meet you halfway.

-Scotty. Scotty!

♪♪

[Horse whinnies]

♪♪

[Critters chittering]

♪♪

[Gun cocks]

-Come on.

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

[Horse neighing]

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

[Static]

-You know, normally I would say,

is it possible to behead a horse?

I mean, I know they did it in "The Godfather,"

but Luca Brasi had a knife, you know?

Just hitting a horse hard enough to behead it?

You know, I would be skeptical if it were not for the fact

that Scotty's horse was apparently borrowed

from a 3-year-old's pony-ride birthday party.

You know, is that the scroungiest horse you ever saw?

But then this is not your average bear.

-Oh, wow. Did you really say that?

-I've been trying to work that in all night.

-Are you proud of yourself? -Yes, I'm proud of myself.

'Cause it bugs you.

This grizzly knows that its mortal enemies

are in that helicopter.

And that's why he stands up on his hind legs

and roars at the copter

like, "Get out of my forest,

you weapon-totin', demented humans!"

But come on, though.

We knew Scotty was a goner

as soon as he said he wanted to use a tranquilizer gun.

Are you kidding? This is the '70s, man.

This is the age of overkill.

There are no tranquilizer guns in action movies of the '70s.

-I like Scotty, though. -Really?

-He's, like, the most interesting actor

in the whole movie. -Well, I do agree with that

because, you know, "I can look like him.

I can smell like him. I live with the bears."

That's the late Richard Jaeckel. Tough guy, character actor.

He debuted in "Guadalcanal Diary" in 1943,

and he worked nonstop for 50 years,

except he served four years in the Navy.

He worked with John Wayne a lot. He was one of the Dirty Dozen.

He got nominated for the Oscar for his performance

in "Sometimes A Great Notion" in 1971.

He ended up in the Actors Home in Woodland Hills.

And actually guys like him -- that's why we raised

all that money for 'em in our Christmas auction.

And he died at Woodland Hills in 1997.

Okay, Darcy, these scenes coming up.

These are the ones where they use the two-man bear costume.

One man on the shoulders of the other guy.

You can't always tell 'cause it's really quick shots.

But it's William Girdler special effects at their finest.

And, by the way, I was making fun of Andrew Prine's

writing at the last break.

I mean, they shouldn't have let him

do that Captain Quint speech.

But he was also a legendary character actor,

both film and stage.

He had famous roles

in "The Miracle Worker,"

"Texas Across the River," "Chisum."

Actually, all three of these guys

were in "Chisum" with John Wayne.

He starred in

"The Centerfold Girls," "The Evil."

You know, I'm naming movies that this audience would like.

"Amityville II: The Possession," "Eliminators."

But his first love was theater.

He had first gotten attention on Broadway when he did

"Look Homeward, Angel" and "The Miracle Worker,"

both in 1962,

and then he guest starred in virtually

every Western TV series ever made.

He was an Actors Studio guy.

He did "Long Day's Journey Into Night"

with Charlton Heston and Deborah Kerr.

He was directed by Henry Fonda

in the stage version of "The Caine Mutiny."

So, alright.

We got a ton of grizzly rampaging through

Black Rock Mountain State Park in North Georgia.

And he's not gonna be satisfied

until some park personnel are eliminated.

So roll the film.

♪♪

Oh, I didn't mention this before,

but they did reveal

why the superintendent refuses to close the park.

It's because he wants one of those

"brown plastic offices" in Washington.

Did you pick up on that, Darcy? -Not really.

-Remember that scene where the superintendent

fires Kelly?

"Finished, dismissed, removed."

Which, by the way, doesn't seem to change anything

'cause in the next scene he's still in uniform,

still working the case. -Yeah.

It's one of those screaming scenes.

-Right. They get head-to-head, and he fires Kelly

because he exposed the park superintendent's dirty secret.

He wants a brown plastic office.

What do you think you do in a brown plastic office?

-I don't want to think about it. -Right? Right?

But he can't close the park because he wants one so bad!

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

[Bear roars]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bird screeches]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-How are we gonna get him back?

♪♪

[Michael sniffling]

We'll bury him here.

♪♪

We'll radio in the coordinates,

and someone will come and get him.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-It's funny how a fella kinda goes up and down

like some kind of yo-yo.

I'm getting ready to kill again. I can't hardly wait.

I kinda liked that old boy.

You know, when I was kidding around with him,

I never meant him no insult.

-I know.

You know, Don...

you two were a lot alike.

-Let's have another look at that grid map.

There. Right there. That's were he's going.

-That's back to his first kill. I mean, it's incredible!

-He's programmed. Like some kind of damned computer.

-But how? Why, man?

-Hell, I don't know.

Why do salmon swim back upstream to where it all began?

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

[Roaring]

♪♪

-Hey. You're getting in kind of close.

-Have faith, brother.

♪♪

-Ooh-whee! Man, he's really moving!

-Let's give that son of a bitch a run for his money.

♪♪

♪♪

-I think we lost him.

♪♪

♪♪

-I see him! I see him!

-He's a mother-lovin' runner!

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

It'll just take one rocket.

We'll get that damn launcher and blast him.

-Set her down! -You sure?

-Yeah. Let's go in after him.

He's tired and he's scared. He needs to come back out.

-Alright.

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

-Oh, shit.

[Gun cocks]

[Gun firing]

[Bear grumbling]

[Gun cocks]

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

[Don grunting]

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

[Clicking]

[Rocket fires]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-Alright. Scotty gets killed twice by the bear.

Doubling the pain.

And then the bear is so tough that it can attack a helicopter

without the slightest damage from the whirling blades.

A rocket was the only answer.

And that bear exploded real good.

Now, I won't go over all 50 parallels with "Jaws,"

but here are the biggies.

If we can go to the chart, Austin.

Numero uno.

The creature is uncommonly large.

Alright. Numero two-oh.

The creature is terrorizing swimmers and campers.

Alright. Numero three-oh.

The creature is kept mainly off screen for the first hour.

Okay. Numeral four-oh.

There are many scenes of frightened

and fleeing swimmers and campers.

Numeral five-oh.

There are endless arguments between the cop and the mayor,

the ranger and the superintendent

about closing the park.

Alright.

Or closing the beach.

Numero six-oh.

The creature destroys a wooden pier or a wooden tower.

Numero seven-oh.

The main character is a police chief

or a forest ranger.

Chief forest ranger.

Numero eight-oh.

The secondary character is a war-veteran boat captain

or war-veteran helicopter pilot.

Numero nine-oh.

The tertiary character

is a marine-biologist shark expert.

Naturalist bear expert.

Numero ten-oh.

The three of them set out for sail

for one final showdown with the shark bear.

So there's a three-man final showdown in both movies.

And numero eleven-oh.

Bait is dragged behind a boat.

Bait is dragged behind a horse.

To attract the shark and/or bear.

Numero twelve-oh.

The creature blows up real good in both movies.

"Grizzly" opened on 800 screens in May of 1976.

That's a lot of screens for an independent film.

It made $39 million,

which was 52 times the cost of production.

And it got an amazing 34 share when it aired later on ABC,

and it became a late-night favorite on TBS in later years.

David Begelman, the head of Columbia Pictures,

watched just 11 minutes of it

and offered a million and a half for the foreign rights.

And Ed Montoro, head of Film Ventures International,

decided to keep all that money for himself.

You may have noticed the beautiful symphony score

that's used throughout.

That is Robert Ragland conducting

the National Philharmonic Orchestra of London.

And it was Ed Montoro who suggested

that they spend the money to hire that orchestra

and put that score on the film in post-production.

He then went to court and -- He didn't go to court.

He just claimed through his lawyer

that that music caused the movie to go over budget

and therefore all of the other shares except his

were invalidated.

So Girdler and the two writers had to sue Montoro,

and while that was going on, Girdler had to continue to live

in Leslie Nielsen's guest house because he was broke.

Now, that didn't mean he stopped making movies, though.

The following year, he made another eco-horror flick

called "Day of the Animals"

because he thought if one killer bear could make that much money,

just think what you could do with multiple killer creatures.

So in "Day of the Animals,"

the ozone layer has been depleted by aerosol cans

and is causing all animals

that live 5,000 feet or more above sea level

to become crazy and violent and attack one another.

So it has a killer bear,

the same bear that they used in this movie,

a killer mountain lion, a killer wolf,

killer turkey vultures, hawks, owls,

crows, dogs, rats, snakes.

And I may have left out a few.

Leslie Nielsen is the coldly calculating advertising man

who turns out to be a deranged, shirtless maniac

when the deteriorating ozone strips away all restraint

and unleashes latent personality traits.

Michael Ansara is the sheriff

killed by leaping rats in his own kitchen.

He goes in for a midnight snack, and he becomes a midnight snack.

Christopher George is back,

along with his famous wife, Lynda Day George.

Andrew Stevens.

Ruth Roman, who we love from "The Baby."

"Day of the Animals" had a $12-million budget --

I'm sorry. A $1.2-million budget.

[Laughter]

But it was released the same day as "Star Wars."

So lightning did not strike twice.

The movie made a little money, but it was not a hit.

And then Girdler made his final film in 1978.

He read and loved a Graham Masterton novel

called "The Manitou,"

and he paid $50,000 for the rights to "The Manitou."

And this was an attempt

to cross "The Exorcist" with "Star Wars."

That's what I said.

Tony Curtis is a fake spiritualist.

Burgess Meredith is an Indian historian.

Susan Strasberg shoots laser beams across the cosmos

to plug up a portal to Earth,

but not before a medicine-man fetus

grows up out of her shoulder.

Lalo Schifrin did the music,

but William Girdler was not around

to see the box-office results

because after he wrapped "The Manitou,"

he was scouting locations in the Philippines for his next film.

He was in a helicopter with his producer,

Patrick Kelly, and they were about 25 miles from Manila,

and they were flying through a valley,

and the copter struck some low-hanging,

high-tension power lines.

And the copter burst into flames, crashed in the jungle.

All three people were burned beyond recognition.

He was just 30 years old.

But he had made nine films in seven years.

And at the rate he was going, he probably would have equaled

the totals of Sam Arkoff, Roger Corman,

all the other low-budget legends

if he had lived a normal life span.

But his remains were flown back to Kentucky,

and he was buried in Cave Hill Cemetery

alongside all the other famous sons of Louisville.

Colonel Harland Sanders is buried there.

Muhammad Ali is buried there.

In 1983, they made a sequel to "Grizzly"

called "Grizzly II: Revenge."

And it had an amazing cast.

George Clooney. Laura Dern. Charlie Sheen.

Louise Fletcher. John Rhys-Davies.

Deborah Foreman was in it.

Now, Joan McCall, who played Allison in this movie,

was one of the screenwriters on "Grizzly II."

They filmed it in Hungary,

but on the first day of production,

the producer, Joseph Ford Proctor,

absconded with all the budget money.

So the co-producer, Suzanne Nagy,

managed to find an angel investor

at the last minute and get it shot.

But there was no money for post-production,

and the movie was never finished.

So there were all these bootleg copies of "Grizzly II"

that circulated for years.

And then Suzanne Nagy finally scrounged up the editing money

and she released a Blu-ray in January of 2021

to universally negative reviews, I'm sorry to say,

because by the time they filmed "Grizzly II,"

Christopher George was already deceased.

He died of a heart attack at age 52,

but not before he starred in "Day of the Animals"

and "The Exterminator" and "Mortuary" and -- Oh!

And who could ever forget "Pieces,"

which we had on our original marathon.

And Harvey Flaxman, the guy whose family camping trip

supposedly inspired "Grizzly,"

retired from screenwriting after this.

He has six credits, including

"The Night They Robbed Big Bertha's"

and "Preacherman."

But he retired in order to become head

of the theater department

at Fairleigh Dickinson University in New Jersey.

He lives today in Vermont.

Still does a little script doctoring at the age of 88.

So, "Grizzly" was the first "Jaws" rip-off,

but obviously it was not the last.

A movie called "Claws" was re-released in Canada

and in Mexico as "Grizzly II."

Ed Montoro himself made two direct "Jaws" rip-offs.

He made "The Great White" in 1980

and "The Last Shark" in 1981.

We also had "Orca," "Piranha," "Piranha II,"

"Tentacles," "Killer Fish," "Blood Beach,"

"Up from the Depths," "The Shark Hunter,"

"Cruel Jaws," "Devil Fish,"

and "Mako: The Jaws of Death," all of which were better,

by the way, than "Jaws: The Revenge,"

better known as "Jaws 4,"

which was so bad it killed the "Jaws" franchise in 1987.

So, Darcy, verdict?

-I like it.

-Well, I know you like it, but...

-I like it quite a bit because it's like

a boneheaded "Jaws" knock-off, and it's so cheesy.

-And we do enjoy cheese around here.

-And the grizzly getting blown up at the end

is just pure movie magic.

-You liked that scene?

-It's awesome, but I feel bad for the bear.

-Darcy, that was a professional bear.

I think the bear could handle that scene.

The bear got $850 a day.

-That won't even pay for his food.

-Well, they were in rural Georgia, you know,

and redneck extras are cheap in rural Georgia.

-Gotcha. -And I think we've said

just about everything we can say about sharks, bears,

eco-horror for one day, so let's move on.

I hope your letter is not about animals.

-Actually, it's about zombies.

-Okay. Well, that'll work.

This is from...

-It's from Chuck Daniels.

-Yeah. Of...?

-It's in the letter. -Mount Sterling, Kentucky.

-There you go. -Alright.

"Hey, there. So, huge fan.

So, I wasn't able to watch Friday's show till today.

I was playing a show. But Joe Bob mentioned

not being able to figure out how the three Fulci films

make up the Gates of Hell trilogy."

Okay, I think he's referring to the season premiere

when we showed "Zombie" and "The Beyond."

-Yes.

-"It doesn't make a lot of sense."

That's a definite.

"However, I was a guest on a podcast,

and we all figured out something, we think.

And we highly doubt Fulci meant to do this.

But here's the idea.

Start with 'House by the Cemetery,'

then 'City of the Living Dead,' then 'The Beyond,'

and it makes sense.

In 'House by the Cemetery,' there's this annoying kid, Bob."

-Fuck Bob. -Yeah, I know, right?

There was a whole meme. "Fuck Bob."

"At the end, he is taken with the old woman

and the little girl into 'The Beyond.'"

Remember they walk off down the road at the end?

"Move on to 'City,' and there's this weird dude named Bob,

which can be seen as Bob grown up and really strange.

Move on to 'The Beyond.'

And at the end, everything is gone.

Everyone is dead.

And everyone is in 'The Beyond.'

So there is also a theory that you can put 'Zombie' at the end,

and it works, too, but that's another story.

Anyway, sorry for the long message. Thanks."

Yeah, I've heard people say that it's not a Fulci trilogy.

It's a Fulci quadrilogy.

So "Zombie" is the -- is the odd one

that you would have to tack on to the beginning or the end.

Because I agree. It would have to end with "The Beyond."

And I also agree that "House by the Cemetery"

has a kind of "open-ended, this story is not over" last scene.

So the geography would go...

Massachusetts...

Upstate New York...

Actually, you know what --

You know what all four films have in common?

New York City.

Because "House by the Cemetery" starts in New York City

before they go to New Whitby, Massachusetts.

That's the name of the town.

"Zombie" starts in New York City before they go to Matul.

"City of the Living Dead" starts in New York City.

Then they go find Dunwich.

Which -- I don't know where Dunwich is,

but I'm going to assume somewhere in New England,

probably Upstate New York.

And "The Beyond" is set entirely in New Orleans.

But Liza comes there from New York City.

So four of the most un-New York movies ever filmed,

and they all revolve around the Big Apple.

I guess we know who --

We know now who pulls the levers

on the Gates of Hell, right?

What do you think?

-I think Fulci made four movies in two years

and just used the same themes over and over again.

-Or it could be that. Right?

And on that note, I'm Joe Bob Briggs

speaking for myself and for Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding you that a clear conscience

is usually the sign of a bad memory.

And the Drive-In will never die.

I have a Canadian joke. Weren't you just in Canada?

-I was.

-Wrestling? -Always.

-Okay. So maybe you'll get this. Maybe you won't.

-Is that an insult?

-No. You have to spend time in Canada to get this joke.

-Alright. Let me have it.

-So, when a riot breaks out at a hockey game,

how do you get a crowd of Canadians

to stop fighting and go home? -I don't know. How?

-You have the public-address announcer say,

"Would you all please stop fighting and go home now?"

-I think it would work, honestly. Okay.

-I don't know. I love that joke.

No one -- No one here -- No one here loves that joke.

Have you guys been to Canada? You know? Okay.

Superman and Batman are having a few drinks at the bar,

and Superman is looking glum, so Batman asks him, "What's up?"

And Superman says, "Yeah, I really screwed up today."

And Batman says, "What happened?"

And Superman says, "Well, I was zooming in over Metropolis.

And then my supervision kicked in, and I saw Wonder Woman.

She was buck-naked, lying on her rooftop patio,

and her legs were spread open,

and her arms were raised up to the sky

like she was inviting me in."

And Batman says, "Holy moly! Lucky you!"

And Superman says, "So I shot down to where she was,

I decelerated at the last minute to the required length,

if you know what I mean."

And Batman says, "Wow! She must have gotten a big surprise!"

And Superman says, "Not half as big a surprise

as the fucking Invisible Man got."

-Ohh!

That one. Good job.

-Darcy likes it! -Yeah!

[Laughter]

♪♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick, we are disgusting ♪

♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪♪

♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪

♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke ♪

♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke ♪

♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪