All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.With.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S20E18.Grizzly.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

[Static]

-Okay, Darcy, I've been calling
this "'Jaws' Rip-off Night."

And actually,
we're about to watch

the very first "Jaws"
rip-off film.

But why do we watch
"Jaws" every summer?

Why do we have Shark Week
in the summer,

which is the most likely time
that we will be eaten

by a shark?
-Because we like to be scared,

and sharks are cool?
[Laughter]

-I think it's because
vacations are boring

unless you could possibly die.
-Maybe.

-Because vacations --
vacations are a modern thing.

You know?
-For most of recorded time,

there were no vacations.

You never left the village
unless you had to.

So what would be a reason
to leave your village?

To hunt for food,
which is dangerous,

or to attack
the next village over,

which is also dangerous.

So if you got up in the morning
and you said, "Okay, dear,

me and the boys are heading
over the mountain today.

We'll see you when we see you,"

That would mean
you're carrying a weapon

and you're ready to kill,
and the jaguar could eat you

on the way home for no reason.
So we're hardwired that way.

We leave our homes
for any extended period of time,

we either come back
with a carcass

or we become a carcass.
Are you following me?

-I think so.
-So how many people

do you think are actually
attacked by sharks each year?

-I don't know.
-Guess.

-In the whole world?
-In the whole world.

How many people
are attacked by sharks?

-800.

72. Alright.

How many people are killed
in a shark attack each year?

-20.
-5.

-Wow.
-Okay.

How many sharks
getkilled each year?

-You mean by, like,
shark hunters?

-Well, yeah.
Okay, go with that.

How many sharks fall victim
to Captain Quint predators?

-I don't know.
Like, way too many. Lots.

-Actually, 100 million.
-Oh, my God. Is that true?

-Well, I don't mean --
Not that many get harpooned

or hooked or speared.
That would be impossible.

But there are a lot
of human activities

that cause shark death,
including injured

by boat propellers
and then they die later,

or they ingest crap
that we throw in the ocean.

But I'm not --
But I'm not saying this

to make a "Save the sharks"
statement.

-You should be. Save the sharks.
-Alright.

No, well, I mean,
that's not my main point.

Yes, we should save the sharks,
but because of "Jaws,"

we have created
this mythical menace

that threatens us every time
we go into the ocean.

They even train you
how to avoid being eaten.

You know, "Hit the shark
on the nose with your fist."

[Laughter]
Really?

I mean, you know,
isn't the shark nose

really, really close
to the shark mouth?

I mean, which has those
vicious shark teeth.

It's not like you get
three chances

to loop him right square
on the nose.

So the other thing they say is,
put your hand in his gills.

What?!
I mean, in other words,

if a shark is trying to eat you,
get aggressive with the shark,

put your hand wherever it's most
likely to get chopped off.

You know how many people
are gonna do that?

You know?
So, you know, Steve Irwin,

who was not afraid
of anything in the ocean,

was killed by a stingray!

You know, they have stingrays

in touching ponds
for small children.

If a stingray
can kill Steve Irwin,

what are your chances of
landing that perfect

Muhammad Ali jab
to the shark snout?

You know? So, and --
-Your point is?

-My point is,
the reasons we flock

to all these "creatures
that might kill me" movies,

especially in the summer,
are that, "A,"

we're leaving home base,
and that's scary;

and, "B," we know
that we deserve it

'cause for all the ways that we
have brutalized the environment.

This genre of storytelling
was invented in the '60s.

That's how new it is.

The academic name
for it is "eco-horror."

The popular name is
nature-strikes-back movies.

And I think the first
eco-horror film

is probably
Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds."

He never explains why the birds
are trying to kill us,

but somehow,
when we watch it, we go,

"Yeah, movie's weird,
but deep down,

I feel like it could happen.

The birds are pissed,
and they shouldbe pissed."

So, are you agreed, Darcy?
-What about "Godzilla"?

-Um, yeah.
I would not argue with you

if you said "Godzilla"
was the first eco-horror,

'cause "Godzilla"
is actually created

by abuse of the environment in
the form of nuclear radiation.

So you could also say "Creature
from the Black Lagoon."

Both those movies were 1954.

Isn't there a moment in
"Creature from the Black Lagoon"

where somebody throws
a cigarette butt into the lagoon

and they have a close-up
of the cigarette butt,

and you see it resting
on the surface of the water?

-Yeah, that happened.
-And the implication is

that the Gill Man
is having nervous shocks

because of this stuff that's
being thrown into his lagoon.

You've seen the "Creature
from the Black Lagoon"

how many times?
-Like thousands.

-Okay.
-[ Chuckles ]

-But you know
what's interesting?

"Creature from
the Black Lagoon" --

we should talk about this --
it was filmed at Baldwin Lake.

And Baldwin Lake has taken on
so much silt

and dirt and oil and tar
and urban runoff

and other pollutants
that it used to be 12 feet deep

and today it's 2.5 feet deep.

And it's inside the
Los Angeles County Arboretum,

and they can't even
keep it clean.

-Where is Baldwin Lake?

-I don't know.
-It's, like,

you drive to Pasadena,
and then they tell you

you're not there yet.
It's way the hell out there.

But it should be clean
out there.

I mean -- So, anyway,
the golden age

of the eco-horror movie
is the '70s.

Um, the one that I think

really took up
the environmentalist theme

in a big way, though,
is "Frogs," 1972.

-Yeah.
-Remember "Frogs"?

-I love "Frogs."
-Best movie

about man-eating frogs
ever made.

-Probably.
-Ray Milland has used

so many pesticides
on his island estate

that all the animals
have gone crazy

and started eating
human flesh --

tarantulas, geckos,
alligators, turtles,

lots of different
kinds of snakes.

Okay, so, then, in 1975,
we get the ultimate

nature-strikes-back movie,
and that would be "Jaws."

So, in my opinion, "The Birds"
is the foundation film.

"Jaws" is
the eco-horror classic,

and everything after "Jaws"
has to borrow from "Jaws."

Now, "Grizzly,"
which we're about to watch,

borrows pretty much
100% of its structure,

cast, storyline,
and theme from "Jaws."

I don't know why they don't
call it "Paws" or "Claws."

[Laughter]
You know?

It was, believe it or not,

the number-one
independent movie of 1976.

It made $39 million.

And in fact, it was the
top-grossing independent movie

of all time,
until two years later,

when "Halloween" shattered
all previous records.

But "Grizzly" is
goofy as all get-out,

which we will discover
here shortly.

And so, Darcy,
here's a question, though.

Are you a beach person
or a mountain person?

-What do you mean?

-I think everybody
is one or the other.

When you go on vacation,
you prefer either a beach house

or a mountain cabin.

One or the other
is more alluring to you.

-Well, I like both,
but if I have to pick,

I'm gonna go mountain cabin.
-Yeah, me, too,

because beach vacations
involve too many people.

Unless you're Brad Pitt

and you have one
of those private islands.

But even then, those guys
with the telephoto lenses

are like right offshore,
in the boats,

trying to get a good shot
of your beer belly.

[Laughter]
-What are you talking about?

-I mean, when superstar
celebrities go to the beach,

they go to those
private beaches,

so they get the advantages
of the mountain cabin.

That's why they're there.
But they're still at the beach.

But for regular people like us,
that's not an option.

-That whole digression
was meaningless.

[Laughter]

-I had a point,
but, yeah, I think so.

[Laughter]
So, "Grizzly" should be

the eco-horror companion
to "Jaws"

for mountain-cabin people.
That was my point.

-It should be?

-Well, it has two problems.

One, no matter
how fierce any bear is,

something in your rear brain
says, "Aww, I want to pet it."

-Yeah.
[Laughter]

-Which is not the case
with sharks.

I mean, something about bears
is, like, cuddlable.

-Oh, I would so pet a shark.

-Well, you're different.
[Laughter]

And numero two-oh, "Jaws" is
directed by Steven Spielberg,

and "Grizzly" is directed
by William Girdler,

the exploitation king
of Louisville, Kentucky.

-Good point.

And by the way, are we
ever gonna show "Jaws"?

Because I get so many requests
for it constantly.

-Um, let me put it
this way, Darcy.

I send the title "Jaws"
up the corporate ladder,

saying, "I would like
to show this on our show."

And then a message comes back
down, a couple of weeks later,

filtered down through
the corporate ladder.

And the message is,
"well, we can't get 'Jaws,'

but -- great news --
we can get 'Grizzly'!"

[Laughter]
-That is what I thought.

I wanted it on record.

-I get those annoying e-mails,
though, from the fans.

They say,
"Is 'Jaws' a horror film?"

"I would like
your opinion, Joe Bob.

We're having an argument.
Is 'Jaws' horror?"

Giant creature eating people!
Okay?! Duh! Such basic horror.

I don't even know where
the question comes from.

Why do people ask that question
over and over again?

We've answered that question
five times already.

-I think that we get it
from people

who normally don't watch horror,

but they watch "Jaws"
every summer.

-Okay. Which means
everybody watching tonight knows

the plot of "Jaws."
So, as we watch the movie,

every time you see something
stolen from "Jaws,"

tweet it to Darcy
or e-mail her or DM her

or whatever you, Instagram her.
-Yes, please do.

I want us to keep
a running count

of how many times "Jaws" can be
ripped off in a single movie.

-I like that.
-Because here's the weird thing.

The screenwriters of "Grizzly"

claim that they stole nothing
from "Jaws."

[Laughter]
-What?!

-No. To this day --
There's two screenwriters,

and to this day, they say

they came up with the story
before "Jaws" existed.

So, yeah.
[Laughter]

Are you ready for this?
-I'm so ready.

-Then let's go.
"Grizzly" is the sensitive story

of a giant, million-year-old
mutant bear

from the Pleistocene era,

who turns up at a national park
looking for camper meat,

chewing up nubile
young vacationers

and causing panic in the hills
and panic in the dales.

But the aspiring-politician
park superintendent

refuses to close the park down,
while a fearless park ranger

teams up with
an eccentric naturalist

and an intrepid helicopter pilot
to track the grizzly down

and find out why
he's turned psycho

in the midst of a media frenzy.

Sure, we've seen it before.

In fact, we saw it one year
earlier, when "Jaws" came out.

[Laughter]
But have we seen it with actors

recruited from the community
theater in Clayton, Georgia?

I think not.

So let's look at
those "Drive-In" totals

and get started.
We have 8 dead bodies,

2 dead deer, 2 dead bears,
2 breasts,

one mountainside tumble
into a river,

arm ripping, leg chewing,

mama eating...
[Laughter]

...purple halter-top chomping,

deer gutting, face clawing,

pervert-bear POV attack,

bloody tent invasion
with wife stealing,

ursine shack-destruction,

bloody-goo slippage,

killer-bear
backpacker-crowd panic,

panoramic low-flying
helicopter footage

with symphonic theme music,

fire-tower destruction,

pet-bunny-rabbit-loving
child goring,

gratuitous hunting dogs,

arm rolls, leg rolls,

Bazooka Fu.

"Drive-In"
Academy Award nominations

for Christopher George
as the savvy forest ranger

who says, "It's
a goddamn circus out here";

Vicki Johnson as Ranger Gail,

who likes to go full-frontal
under waterfalls

while on duty;
Joan McCall as Allison,

the spoiled photojournalist
dating the head forest ranger;

Andrew Prine as
Don the salty copter pilot

who says he likes women
and he keeps moving;

Richard Jaeckel as Scotty,

the pony-riding bear expert
who says,

"I can look like him,
I can smell like him"...

[Laughter]

...Joe Dorsey
as the park superintendent,

who says stuff like,
"Kelly, you're a maverick.

We don't have time
for mavericks";

and William Girdler,
the director,

and the pride
of Louisville, Kentucky,

for doing things
the "Drive-In" way.

Three stars.
[Laughter]

-The hesitation.

-Joe Bob says, check it out.

Um, you know
where eco-horror leads?

-To global warming?
-Well...

[Laughter]
Well, that's a good point.

Yes, as a matter of fact.
And we -- We -- Well,

we did have a couple of
global-warming movies,

didn't we?
We had

that Dennis Quaid picture.
What was that?

-"The Day After Tomorrow."
-Right. I hated It.

[Laughter]
Anyway, did anybody go see that?

-Oh, yeah. I mean, like,
hundreds of millions

at the box office.
-Really?

-Mm-hmm.
-But you know

what movie did climate change
before that movie

and before everyone else,
really?

"Soylent Green."

You know, back when we were
getting freaked out

because of aerosol spray cans.
[Laughter]

Aerosol spray cans
caused the greenhouse effect.

You know, they hadn't
even come up with

the term "climate change"
when that movie came out.

Charlton Heston
is the only guy

who knows that
Soylent Green is people!

"Soylent Green is people!"
-Oh, it's a great movie.

[Laughter]
-Nobody watches that anymore.

But what I was gonna say is, all
eco-horror leads to "C.H.U.D."

-Yeah.
-What do we find out at the end

about the cannibalistic humanoid
underground dwellers?

It was toxic waste all along!

The government
was storing nuclear waste

in the subway tunnels
under Greenwich Village.

But now that we've enlarged
our definition of eco-horror

to include global warming,
it all leads to "Avatar," right?

-Mm-hmm.
-James Cameron.

James Cameron learned
about global warming

when he directed
"Piranha II: The Spawning."

So...
[Laughter]

-I feel like
eco-horror is here to stay.

It's a theme in a lot of
non-horror movies, too, now.

-"The Swarm."
[Laughter]

Irwin Allen -- killer bees
from South America

headed for Texas
to kill Michael Caine

and Patty Duke
and Slim Pickens.

you know, it had
a cast of thousands.

And I don't mean the bees.
It was a cast of thou--

Henry Fonda gets stung
in that movie.

Irwin Allen got stung big-time
because "The Swarm" --

"The Swarm" is what killed
the disaster movie.

Either that or Bert Gordon's
"Food of the Gods."

-I love the giant rats.
-In "Food of the Gods"?

-Mm-hmm
-Don't forget

the giant mutant chickens.
-True, true, true.

-Marjoe Gortner's
finest performance.

One of my greatest regrets

is that we didn't get
Bert I. Gordon on this show,

because he just passed away
earlier this year.

Cut off in the prime
of his life, because...

-I mean, he was pretty old.

-He was actually 100.
[Laughter]

-Was he really?
-He was exactly 100 years old.

-Aww.
-But 100 years old

is not that old if you're spry.
And he was spry.

-Spry as fuck?
-Spry as fuck.

R.I.P., Bert.
-Aww.

[Laughter]

[Soft theme music plays]

[Static]

[Bright chiming music plays]

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

[Wind blowing]

[Helicopter approaching]

-Now, this area is pretty much
the same way it was

when the Indians
were wandering around in it.

That's because of this country's
national-parks system, Senators.

The sole function of
the national park system

is to protect the wildlife
and the forest

from thousands of campers
coming here every year.

Now, I know that my opinion
don't mean too much,

but I think that if we get
any further encroachment

on these park areas,
we're gonna destroy

the natural beauty of
what you're looking at.

If the government could somehow
manage to protect these areas,

we just might be able
to keep this typical

and completely American
landscape like this forever.

[Bright orchestral music
plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Bright orchestral music
plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Helicopter blades whirring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-[Blowing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Never thought you'd make it.

-I wouldn't miss a Kelly
briefing for the world.

[Horse neighing]
-Mm-hmm.

-[Chuckles]
-Alright, this is

the largest post-season crowd
we've ever had.

And there's just no way,
with this skeleton crew,

that we're going to able
to handle it.

-What Kelly's concerned about
is we got more backpackers

pitching tents
than raccoons in the woods.

-Okay, now everybody
goes out on patrol.

-There's no way we can keep
an eye on all those backpackers.

-Well, we're just gonna
do the best we can.

Okay, everyone knows where
they're supposed to go.

So, let's -- let's get with it.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Kelly?

My apologies.

-Accepted.

-Hey, I'm going up to R4.

-You know, maybe
the two of us should go.

-It's really loaded
up there, Kell.

Hey, come on,
I can use the help.

-Well, you see,
Hayes called in sick.

So I'm gonna need Gail
down here

to kinda hold down the fort.
-Mm-hmm.

[Horse neighing]

-We tried.

Look, I'll talk to you
later for dinner.

-[Chuckles] Okay.

[Birds chirping]

-Paging Mr. Allen,
paging Mr. Allen.

Please pick up the phone
at the front desk.

-Okay, girls, keep it moving.

I know that the season's closed,

but that's no reason
to let up, huh?

So if you get any complaints
about cold food,

I wanna hear about them
right away.

-[Speaking indistinctly
on P.A. system]

-[Puffing on pipe]

-Dad!
-Hmm? What are those?

-Unpaid bills, I believe.

-Aw, I must have put them
in the wrong drawer.

I'll take care of them
right away.

-And I've been looking
over the wine list.

You know, you haven't been
charging nearly enough.

Look what you've been paying!
-I know what I've been paying.

-And?

-Well, good wine
at reasonable prices

brings the customers back,
and they've been coming back.

-I know you've had a really good
season, but this --

-Allison,
for the last two weeks,

you've been trying to
help me run my business.

-That's not true.

Dad, every man
needs a helping hand.

-Yeah, well, you told me
that you were coming up here

to shoot pictures of
the changing seasons.

-Well, I did. I am!
That's what I've been doing.

-Yeah, well, keeping check
on how your old man is doing

is not going to help
you meet your deadline.

-I only got maybe a third to go.

I need maybe
30 or 40 more photographs.

I got my publisher's note.
He'll wait.

-Allison?

Why don't you write
a how-to book?

How to avoid responsibilities.

-Oh, hell,
I was supposed to meet you.

Kelly, I'm sorry.

-Well, let's go.
See you, Walt.

[Birds chirping]

-It was sweet of you
to come and get me.

I really appreciate it.

-Well, I should be angry.

I mean, I said
I'd take you around,

but, you know,
I just might have been needed.

I'm an important person
around here.

-Guilty as charged.

-You know what the problem is?

The problem is, you're spoiled.

And your father did it.

-How long have you known me?

-Uh, a few weeks.

-Then, why don't you
just reserve judgment?

I mean, "spoiled" is
a pretty heavy word.

First of all,
I don't feel spoiled.

I feel needed.

I mean, Dad's taking on a
lot more than he can handle,

so I feel just a bit torn
between career and father.

-Yeah, well, I think your
father can handle his end.

It's yours
you should be worried about.

-Somehow I always manage
to get it together.

[Bright orchestral music plays]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversation]

[Birds screeching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughing]

[Indistinct conversation]

♪♪

-At last.

-Can't believe we're here,
finally.

[Sighs]

We must have walked
10 miles today.

On, we got to do something
with this.

-I want to sit down and
get out of these boots.

-Yeah.

-Feel a lot better.
-Uh-huh.

[Bushes rustling]
What's that?

[Ominous music plays]
-There's something out there.

♪♪

[Horse snorts]
-[Chuckles]

-Hey. You scared us!

-Sorry, I didn't mean to.

-What can we do for you?
-Stay out of trouble.

-What kind of trouble?

-Well, just don't take
any unnecessary risks.

This is a pretty tricky area.

How long you girls
gonna be up here?

-Oh, we're leaving shortly,
right after we eat.

[Horse neighs]
-Don't forget to check in

at the ranger station
before you leave.

-Don't worry, we'll be
down before it gets dark.

-Okay.

[Clicks tongue]
Come on, boy.

[Critters chittering]

[Soft orchestral music plays]

♪♪

[indistinct grumbling]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Women chattering faintly]

♪♪

[Foliage rustling]

♪♪

[Women laughing faintly]

♪♪

[Bird cawing]

♪♪

-Well, better get moving.
It's gonna get dark pretty fast.

-You're right.
-Why don't you start

on the tent,
and I'll get the fire.

-Okay, but I have to go first.

-Whenever it comes
to cleaning up,

you always have to go.
-[Chuckles]

I'll be right back.
-Mm-hmm.

♪♪

[Indistinct grumbling]
[Ominous music continues]

[Foliage rustling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct panting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Foliage rustling]

♪♪

June?

June?
[Indistinct growling]

[Screaming]

Oh, no!

Please! Aah!

[Bear roars]

-[Shouts indistinctly]

Oh, no. No.

[Panting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Sighs]

[Bird cawing]

[Panting]

[Sighing]

♪♪

[Bear roars]
[Wood cracking]

No!

[Screaming]

[Screams echoing]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

[Camera clicks]

-You never stop shooting,
do you?

-Oh, most of what I shoot,
I don't use.

Wrong angle, wrong light.
-Wrong faces.

-No, the faces are never wrong.

Remember, every face
tells a story.

-Oh, yeah?

What story
does this face tell you?

-You're a dissembler.

You hide everything
behind that tight jaw.

One day, it's gonna break.

[Birds chirping]

-[Chuckles]

[Laughs] See?
it's cracking already.

-How you doing, Tom?
-Hey.

-Where you going?
-Up to R4.

Got a couple missing girls.

-Oh?

-[Chuckles] Come on.

They said they'd
be down before dusk.

They haven't made it yet.

-Aw, they're not gonna make it.

The sun will be down
in a little bit.

-Hey, you want to
go up with him?

-Uh-huh!
-We'll follow you.

Go ahead!
-Okay.

[Engines start]

[Birds chirping]

[Engines turn off]

They were back there,
past the shack.

Maybe 100, 150 yards.

-Let's walk on in.

[Critters chittering]

-Hey, hold it, Tom.
I wanna check out this shack.

[Thud]

-[Speaking indistinctly]

[Wood cracks]
[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

-Find anything?
-No.

How about you?
-No, nothing.

[Dramatic music plays]
[Speaking indistinctly]

-Tom?
-Yeah?

-How far down are you?

-Uh, about 1/4 of a mile
from the shack.

There's just nothing here.

I can't tell whether a bear
came through or not.

-Find it here somewhere.
-Well, keep looking.

-Roger, out.

[Camera clicks]
-Better keep looking.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Indistinct howling]

-You all got a hell of a job.

-You find anything?
-No, sir, not a thing.

-Alright. Keep at it.
But, remember,

we're probably not looking
for a full body.

-Kelly, what in the hell's
going on?

-A bear -- he attacked
and killed a girl.

-Jesus, that's all we need --
a killer bear on the loose.

-Well, there were two of them.

We haven't found
the other one yet.

-Reckon she made it out?
-No.

Too much blood around here
for that.

-Well, what you want us to do?

-Look, I got a bunch of guys
up on the western slope.

So, uh, you guys go on up north.

He just might
go back up-country.

-Hmm. Check.

[Critters chittering]

[Camera clicks]

-Allison, where are you going?

-Back here to get
another angle on the camp.

-Okay, but don't go too far.

-Hey, Kell?
-Yeah?

-Parker and Lane
came up empty-handed.

-Well, look,
bet 'em back out there.

Nobody sleeps until we
get that son of a bitch.

-Hey, come on, Kelly,
you can't --

-Tom, we got a killer
on our hands.

Now, no excuses. Please?

[Dramatic music plays]

[Blood sloshes]

-Oh.

[Breathing heavily]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Intercom chattering faintly]

♪♪

-Dr. Newfell, Dr. Newfell.

-[Sighs]

-It was a big one, alright.

It seems to me, the girls
came across a cub,

got too close,
and the mother attacked.

-They didn't find
any sign of a cub.

And we didn't find any sign
of a bear anywhere.

-Well, she ate and buried
the rest of her meal for later.

-Why would she come down?

-Well, she came down for food.
-Aw, shit.

We hauled them up to the
high country last season.

There's more than enough food
and fish for them up there.

-Maybe had enough fish.

-Hang on to your sick humor,
Doc.

-It's not sick.
She was hungry enough

to eat two women.
-Bears don't eat people.

-This one did.

-Hallitt, do me a favor.

Just put it in writing for me.

-Who's, uh, going to
contact the family?

-Me, I guess.

-Why the hell wasn't I notified?

-Well, obviously,
you got the message.

-I had to hear it
on the goddamn radio.

-Hey, I'm glad to hear
that, uh --

that you're turning it on
these days, Kittridge.

-If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.

-Aw, that's okay, Hallitt.
I'm just leaving.

-I want to see that report,
Hallitt.

[Lighter clicking]

Kelly!

Okay, let's hear it.

What the hell happened
out there?

-One of our bears got lonesome.
Came down for a little action.

-That's not funny.

-Not supposed to be.

-Well, what are you
doing about it?

-Well, I've got men out
in the field, hunting him.

And I've put R3 and R4
off-limits to campers.

Now, I think we can
contain him in that area.

-Okay.

This time, you keep me
informed all the way.

And when this thing
is over with,

I want a full investigation.

-Investigation?

What kind of investigation?

-We have a responsibility
to the public.

I mean, it's my head.

Those bear are supposed to be
in the high country.

-That's where we put 'em.

-Two possibilities.

One of 'em came back, or
you didn't do your job.

-No way.

We tagged
every one of those bears.

Arthur Scott knows every bear
that's in this forest.

No way he could have missed one.

-Okay, then Scott's
the man I want to talk to.

Now, you get him on the wire
and get his ass out here.

Kelly!

I hope I'm not
talking to myself.

-I read you...loud and clear.

[Static]

-So, one of the first things
Christopher George says --

that's Christopher George
playing chief park ranger

Michael Kelly --
is, "This is

the largest postseason crowd
we've ever had."

Postseason?
[Laughter]

The season is over.

Now, why wouldn't you want
the scene with the backpackers

swarming all over
the trading post,

buying cheap souvenirs?
Why wouldn't you want that

to be the firstday
of the summer season?

Especially if you're
doing a "Jaws" rip-off.

Darcy?
-Is that important?

-Well, yes, because
what do bears do

in the postseason?

They hibernate!
[Laughter]

They're not fierce.
They're sleepy.

-Maybe they wanted to emphasize
that this is not a normal bear.

-No, they wanted
to shoot the movie

in late November and December.
[Laughter]

And they didn't have
enough manpower

to paste the leaves
back on the trees.

And also, what's the point
of the scene

where Allison tells her dad

to charge the tourists
more for the wine?

I mean, she does
restaurant accounting

andphotojournalism?
-You're way too picky.

-Actually, there's a -- there's
a cult surrounding this film,

and it's a dedicated cult.

And they know every frame of it
and every line.

For example,
the first two victims,

if you follow the fan press,

they are known as Red Shirt Girl
and Pink Shirt Girl.

[Laughter]
And there was an Internet myth

for a long time
that one of those girls

was Susan -- Susan Backlinie.

Um, Susan Backlinie

is famous for one thing,
and one thing only.

She was the first victim
in "Jaws."

And so you can still find
a lot of people

saying Susan Backlinie
is the first victim

in both "Jaws" and "Grizzly."

But Susan Backlinie
is not in this movie.

She's in
the "Day of the Animals,"

the next movie
that William Girdler made

after this movie.
At any rate,

we're introduced
to the first two bear dinners

when they walk into a clearing,
and one of them says,

"We must have walked
10 miles today."

And then they sit down
at their active campfire,

which I guess has been untended
in the woods

for how many hours
while they were

walking those 10 miles?

So they already deserve to die.

And then they get a warning
from the ranger on horseback

that, "This is
a pretty tricky area."

[Laughter]

What does that mean?
How is the area tricky?

[Chuckles]
But we do find out,

a couple of scenes later.

After ripping off the arm
of the first girl,

the bear chases the second girl
into a shack,

and then he goes in after her
through the roof,

destroying the whole shack,

and then tossing her around
like a rag doll.

But when Ranger Kelly arrives
a short time later,

the bear has repaired
and rebuilt the shack.

[Laughter]

So Ranger Kelly has to go
to a back entrance,

where the dead girl
falls out of the ceiling

because the bear also had time,
after he rebuilt the shack,

to string the victim up in
some kind of booby-trap device

so that it would dangle
in front of the ranger.

This is one resourceful bear.
[Laughter]

-So that explains it.
-Explains what?

-It's a tricky area.

They have unexplained
bear behavior there.

-Okay, I guess so.
But I would be remiss, though,

if I didn't point out
the performance

of Charles Kissinger
as the autopsy doctor.

Somebody says,
"Bears don't eat people."

And he says, "This one did."
[Laughter]

And that's Charles Kissinger.

He was better known
as the Fearmonger,

host of "Fright Night"

on WDRB Channel 41
in Louisville.

And he appeared in seven of
William Girdler's nine films.

And in fact, he starred
in William Girdler's

first two cheapie films,

"Asylum of Satan"
and "Three on a Meathook."

-Nice.
-Um...

he was actually
a Shakespearean actor.

He was a major force at the
Actors Theatre of Louisville,

which is one of
the most respected

regional theaters in America.
So, just a quick plug

for the horror host...
-Yay.

-...as the autopsy doctor.

The Fearmonger, unfortunately,
passed away in 1991,

but Channel 41 had canceled
"Fright Night" back in the '70s.

The bastards.
[Laughter]

Okay, back to the movie.

This movie was filmed
in, um, Clayton, Georgia.

[Harmonica plays blues]

They wanted to film it
in the Pacific Northwest,

because that's where
grizzly bears actually live.

But Clayton, Georgia,
in the '70s,

was recruiting filmmakers
like crazy.

"Come to Clayton, Georgia.
Make your film here."

And they say -- And their pitch
was, "Come film here.

Did you see 'Deliverance'?
That's us."

[Laughter]
That was their pitch.

That "Deliverance" was filmed
there in Northeast Georgia

and that Billy Redden
was from there.

Remember Billy Redden?
-I don't think so.

-He was the kid
in "Dueling Banjos."

-Oh.
-He didn't really know

how to play the banjo.

They just cast him
because they thought

he looked a little inbred.
-What?

-I thought he was
a master banjo player.

-No, he didn't play banjo.
So, Clayton, Georgia,

I guess the Chamber of Commerce
or whatever in Clayton, Georgia,

they're out there going,
"We'll make you a good deal.

Bring your movie here.
We're the 'Deliverance' people.

We raped Ned Beatty."
You know, something like that.

So, William Girdler is always
looking to save a nickel.

And he goes, "Okay, sure.
You got any grizzlies there?

No? Okay, well,
we'll bring one out."

And so they flew the grizzly
out from Washington State.

They flew him on Spirit.
You know?

He had to change planes
three times,

but they got him.
-Hiyo.

[Laughter]

[Harmonica plays blues]

[Static]

-We interrupt this program

to bring you
a special news bulletin.

Two young women were
savagely killed last night

by what the local authorities
believe to be a large bear.

Michael Kelly, ranger
in charge of operations,

orders all backpackers
in the high country

to evacuate the area
immediately.

Campers in all other areas
of the park

should not venture
into the upper regions

until the rangers are certain
that the bear

has been apprehended
and the areas declared safe.

If anyone should see
this animal,

please contact
your local authorities

or the Park Ranger Service
immediately.

Stay tuned to 1060 News

for further up-to-the-minute
news bulletins.

[Indistinct conversations]

-If Scotty's not in the office,
where is he?

Alright, if he's in
the field, connect me.

[Door opens, closes]

You mean you won't connect me,
or you can't connect me?

Well, you listen to me,
you little...

I've got two girls,
ages 19 to 20,

both eaten to the bone.

So don't give me any of your
bullshit about regulations.

Now, you get Scotty
on that field phone,

or you're gonna be
in the unemployment line

tomorrow morning!
You get that?!

Yeah, I'm still here.

Sit down.

[Birds chirping]

[Indistinct beeping]

-No! No!

[Beeping]

What the hell's the matter
with you down there?

I gave strict orders.

Who is this?

-It's Kelly, Scotty. Kelly!

-Kelly, do you know
what you just did?

I had a whole family of deer
up here.

I been following them,
living with them,

and you scared them off.
What happened?

-It's a bear, killed two girls,

but the funny thing happened is
that he buried one of them.

-But bears do that anyway.

They cover their kill
with a shallow grave.

Then they go away, they come
back later, and finish eating.

-Look, Kittridge is holding
you and me responsible,

so just pack it up
and get your carcass in here

as fast as you can.
-Alright.

-Who's Scott?

-He's a naturalist
attached to this department.

[Telephone rings in distance]

You know, I think
he knows every bear

in this forest personally.

-[Laughs]

You guys really love what
you're doing, don't you?

-Yeah.

Yeah, we really do.

Sure has
changed my values around.

-Changed your values?
From what, Kelly?

-Well, I -- I had a perfect plan
to fame and fortune.

-So, what happened?
-I tried a shortcut.

See, I married
this beautiful lady,

who just by chance
happened to be filthy rich.

Trouble was,
we were both mercenaries.

And after a while, I --
I just wanted out.

I couldn't hack it anymore.
-You left?

-Well, it was a little more
subtle than that.

I made believe
I was having an affair,

and that turned her on.

So I sold all my holdings,

gave it to Salvation Army,
became a ranger.

Thatturned her off.

-[Laughs]

You're lying, aren't you?

-What do you think?

-I really don't care.

[Birds chirping]
[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-Well, we're down
in Area 3 already.

I don't think he's gonna
come down this far.

-These woods are so damn thick,
you can't see anything anyway.

-Yeah, he could be hiding
anywhere, huh?

-Well, one thing's for sure.
He's not around here.

-Look, why don't you go over
and take a break.

I'll go up to Powder Ridge
and check it out

and be back in about 15 minutes.

-Good, I can go soak my feet
in the stream.

-Okay.

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

Oh, my God! No!

No!!

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

[Soft orchestral music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-Have another drink?

♪♪

-When will I stop remembering?

-It should take about 25 years.

♪♪

-[Scoffs]

Poor Tom.

-He liked her, didn't he?

♪♪

-[Inhales deeply]

Boy, there's something
I'm not doing!

-Sure, you're
not killing the bear.

♪♪

-I don't think
I'm cut out for this.

♪♪

You know what I enjoy?

Giving lectures
around the campfire,

showing slides,
taking long rides in the woods,

and just watching the animals.

[Scoffs]

-For a man who thought
of himself as a mercenary,

you're doing pretty fine.

-Oh, yeah.
There's a killer bear out there,

and I'm sitting around here
crushing ice cubes in my mouth.

Where the hell
is that damn Scott?

-He'll be here.
I mean, there's nothing else

you can do, but wait.
-Oh, yes, there is,

except I'm too paralyzed
to know what it is.

♪♪

-You better have another drink.

-Nah.

-How about another ice cube?

-Yeah.

[Helicopter blades whirring]

You know, Don, I wanna thank
you for helping us out.

Sure gonna make finding
that bear a lot easier.

-Maybe it's got
some kind of favorite cave.

-No, the reason we can't
find him is, keeps moving.

And he has a few million acres
to cover his tracks.

-Well, if it moves
near a clearing,

we might just pick him up.

-Can you get
this bird any closer?

-No, negative.

Too much downdraft today.

Might push it into the trees.

-[Sighs]

Feel like I've been wearing
these things permanently.

-Have you locked into
any of his patterns yet?

You know, bears got patterns.

-Patterns, yeah, patterns.

He likes women,
and he keeps moving.

-Sort of like me.
Always trawling.

-Yeah, yeah.
-[Chuckles]

-What about that filly
you been riding?

Oh, I didn't know
it was that way now.

[Chuckles]
No offense, my man.

[Chuckles]

[Helicopter blades whirring]

[Upbeat orchestral music plays]

-Hey, take her down,
take her down.

I think I see something.

♪♪

Oh, boy,
that might be our baby.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hold it, Kelly!
Are you crazy?!

-What the hell
are doing up here?!

-Trying to find your bear.

-Well, you're supposed to be
down at camp!

Kittridge has been all over me!
-You better tell that man

that that bear
is not one of ours.

-Are you sure?
-Positive.

-Well, you still
should have come on down.

-Why? I can do better
on my own.

-You almost got your tail
shot off.

-[Chuckles] Yeah, almost.

-Boy, if you ain't
a big bag of grits.

What the hell you'd have done

if you'd have caught
that big brown?

-It isn't a big brown.
It's a grizzly.

-Grizzly?!
-Mm-hmm.

-Ain't no grizzlies up here.

I used to hunt these woods
for years.

It can't be a grizzly.

-Come on, Scotty, they
were killed off years ago.

Big bounty hunt, remember?

-This one survived.

-[Laughs] I'm telling you,
it can't be.

-I'm telling you,
we got a grizzly,

and then some.
Guys, I'm a little bushed.

Can I hitch a ride
back with you?

-Yeah, come on.

-You know
that the average grizzly,

he's about, uh, 7 feet tall.

-Some of 'em, shorter.
-Mm-hmm.

This one here
is at least 15 feet.

-Oh, no.
Maybe in Alaska.

Just maybe, but not down here.
-Righthere.

I just checked
the claw marks on a tree.

-Now, that means he's
established his territory.

The whole damn forest?

-What you're talking about
is unreal.

-Wait, I got a little more.

According to the depth
of his paw prints,

he weighs over 2,000 pounds.

-[Chuckles]
-Pshew.

You boys want a bite?
-Mnh-mnh.

-Look, Scotty, you may be

some kind of authority
on all this,

but what you're talking about
is science fiction.

It's a fairy tale! [Chuckles]

-Science? Yeah.
Fiction? No.

See, the only known grizzlies
that large

were called
Arctodus Ursus Horribilis.

-Oh.
-And they were

the mightiest carnivores
in the Pleistocene era.

-Yeah, well, when was that?
-About a million years ago.

-Ah, he's a mere baby then!
-Well, he was a hardy ancestor

that managed to hang in there.
-What in the hell is

a million-year-old
grizzly doing here?

-He's looking for food.

See, they're strictly
carnivores, those things.

They sure do love meat.

-Well, in that case,
let's get the hell out of here.

-Sure enough.

[Indistinct conversation]
[Critters chittering]

-♪ I've been working
on the railroad ♪

♪ All the livelong day ♪

♪ I've been working
on the railroad ♪

♪ Just to pass my time away ♪

♪ Can't you hear
the whistle blowing? ♪

♪ Rise up so early in the morn ♪

♪ Can't you hear
the captain shouting ♪

[Kids talking, laughing]

♪ Dinah, blow your horn? ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you blow,
Dinah, won't you blow ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you
blow your horn? ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you blow,
Dinah, won't you blow ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you
blow your horn? ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen,
I know ♪

[Crickets chirping]

[Kids singing faintly
in distance]

[Bottle spritzing]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-o ♪

♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-o-o-o ♪

♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-o,
strummin' on the... ♪

[Bear roaring]
-Aaah!

-[Screaming]

-No-o-o!
-No-o!

[Indistinct shouting]

No!

No-o!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Bear roaring]

[Campers screaming]

-Oh!
-Oh, no! Don't go near her!

Do something! Do something!

-Somebody do something!
[Screaming continues]

[Static]

-So, when Ranger Gail
tells her boyfriend,

"I'm gonna soak my feet
in the stream,"

and then she takes off
more than just her shoes --

in fact, she takes off
all her clothes --

we get the only wild-animal-POV
pervert breathing sound

I've ever witnessed in a movie.
Did you notice that, Darcy?

-I did. And it was hot.

-A heavy-breathing,
aroused, killer bear is hot?

-The hottest.
-I thought it was pretty obvious

the bear is getting turned on
by his upcoming meal.

And that actress,
Victoria Johnson,

is on her way to becoming
the Penthouse Pet of the Month

for August of that year.
The movie came out in May,

and then she was Pet of the Year
in 1977.

-Oh.
-Victoria was an Atlanta girl

who was also the body double
for Angie Dickinson

in "Dressed to Kill."

But what's even more interesting
about that scene is

that if you study the angle of
the bear paw that kills her --

'cause that's all we see --
all we see is the paw,

like your paw --
-Paw.

-That's actually a better paw
than they have in the movie.

[Laughter]
-Oh, that's me.

-If you -- If you study
that angle,

she had to be either
turned upside down...

-Oh, yeah.
[Laughter]

-It would require the bear
to be holding her

by her ankles
with his other paw.

-Ooh, yeah.
[Laughter]

What?
-Or she would have to be

standing on the bear
without realizing

that he's there.
-Ooh, yeah.

-You like bloody, outdoor,
waterfall bestiality?

-Only if it's kinky.
-Well, it is kinky.

This is one -- This is one
wily perv bear.

Actually, the killer bear is
a combination of a real bear,

footage of a black bear
in the wild,

that they took,
that fake paw,

an electronic bear
that malfunctioned

because they left it
out in the rain,

and it stopped working...
[Laughter]

...a guy in a bear suit,

and then twoguys in a bear suit
to make the bear taller.

[Laughter]
And the bear was --

The -- The bear
was either 20 feet tall --

that's what it said
on the poster --

20 -- "20 feet of grizzly" --
[Laughter]

...or 15 feet tall --

that's what they say
in the scene

that we just watched --
or 11 feet tall,

which was the actual height of
the grizzly that they rented

from an animal trainer
in Washington state,

when the bear stood up
on its hind legs.

Which they would make it stand
on its hind legs

by dangling a fish on a pole

[Chuckling]
in front of the bear.

And actually, I'm getting
my genders mixed up here,

because the bear in the movie --
the bear in the movie is male,

because they do refer to it
as "him."

But the rent-a-bear was actually
the mother of Bart the Bear.

Do you remember Bart the Bear --
the famous Bart the Bear?

He appeared in several movies.

He's the only animal actor ever
to appear at the Academy Awards.

He presented the envelope
to Mike Myers in 1998

at the Academy Awards.

But Bart the Bear
was a highly trained bear.

His mother, not so much.

But they nicknamed her Teddy,

and they made sure

she was surrounded
by an electrified fence

anytime that she had
to interact with the cast.

So, and then just before

the -- the future
Penthouse Pet of the Year

goes full-frontal
in that scene,

we have the Crowd
Fleeing the Woods scene,

because we need a copycat scene

for the Swimmers Fleeing
the Ocean scene in "Jaws."

Right?
-They do.

-And they imply that there's
some kind of radio report

that everybody hears
at the same time.

And so the campers fled down
the mountainside all together.

So I guess they have
loudspeakers mounted

in the trees or something.

Otherwise, I don't think
every camper in the woods

would join a fleeing horde
at the same time

to escape the camp.

And -- But what
we're dealing with here

is Arctodus Ursus Horribilis,

which doesn't exist
anywhere near Clayton, Georgia.

There is a -- That is
a type of bear,

but it doesn't --
it's not in Georgia.

As the helicopter pilot,
Don, says, What the hell

is a million-year-old grizzly
doing here?"

And the answer to that
will take us

to a couple
of New York screenwriters

who were apparently making up
the rules as they went.

And just so we can cover
all the bear's fetishes,

please note that after Teddy
eats the supermodel,

he passes up 17 campers

that are sitting
out in the open,

singing "We've Been Working
on the Railroad"

so that he can go after the babe
in the flannel nightie,

who has already zipped up
her tent for the night.

-Yeah, he does.
[Laughter]

-You are cheering for the bear.
-I am, man.

-You're supposed to be
afraid of the bear.

But the grizzly rips
through that canvas,

and he carries her away
and he does his nasty work

while the husband just
sits there chugging a Schlitz.

And the campers fail to notice
a 20-foot-tall,

growling creature approach
through the clearing.

This bear is so good
at what he does.

-That's what she said.
[Laughter]

I had to.
-Roll the film.

You really say that?
-Yep.

-Alright, I doubt
that I have to point this out,

but we now have the entire
"Jaws" principal cast lined up.

Um, Police Chief Martin Brody
of Amity Island, Massachusetts,

played by Roy Scheider
in "Jaws,"

is reincarnated as chief
park ranger Michael Kelly

in "Grizzly."

Um, Marine biologist
Matt Hooper,

played by Richard Dreyfuss,

becomes naturalist Arthur Scott,
who lives with the bears,

played by Richard Jaeckel.
And Captain Quint,

the battle-hardened ship captain
played by Robert Shaw,

becomes Don Stober,

the battle-hardened
helicopter pilot,

played by Andrew Prine.

And all three of those
"Grizzly" headliners

were guys who --
well, they were really guys

who played supporting parts
in big-budget movies,

but they play leads
in small-budget movies --

character actors
who can transition

into carrying a movie.

And their faces were
pretty well-known to the public.

In fact, all three of them
appeared together

in the John Wayne movie
"Chisum."

They're all manly men.
You know?

In fact,
two of them posed nekkid,

in magazines in the '70s,
when that was a big thing.

-Yay!
[Laughter]

-Andrew Prine posed
for Vivamagazine.

That was an erotic
fantasy magazine for women.

And Christopher George
posed for Playgirl

in June 1974,
when he was 43 years old.

-I've seen that one. Rowr.
[Laughter]

-Really? It is kind
of a famous beefcake photo,

because he's -- he's reclining
and eating watermelon.

[Laughter]

And has a very phallic knife
in his hand.

-He is doing that.

-Uh, sounds like you want
a threesome

with Christopher George
and the bear.

-[ Chuckles ] Bring it on, baby.

[Laughter]

[Harmonica plays blues]

♪♪

[Static]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Alright, you people,
move on back.

Let's go now.
Go on back to your campsites.

We got it here.
Go on back.

Come on, now.
Get those kids out of here.

Let's go. Show's over.
Come on.

Clear on out.

Everybody back to your campsite.

Keep it movin'. That's it.

[Indistinct conversations]

-[Sniffles]
-Mr. Walker?

You can, uh --

Well, you can ride
in the ambulance.

-Sally loved me, Mister.

She really did.

-Come on.

[Engine starts]

[Police radio chatter]

-What the hell happened?

I thought you said he was
in the high country.

-Did I say that?
Well, I guess he came down.

-Kelly, this is your baby,
your responsibility.

I'll wash my hands of it.
-You'll wash your hands of it.

Well, it's your park,
Mr. Park Supervisor.

-And this is your district,
nobody else's,

and that bear is yours.
-Correction on that.

-You didn't do the job, Scott.

-Hey, you got your head
in the sand.

We got a killer grizzly
on our hands.

-Scott, you're a maniac,
always were,

running around in costumes.
There are no grizzlies.

-[Chuckles] Oh, you donkey.
-Come on, let's go, Scott.

-Kelly, I want that damn bear!

-Then give me some men
from Washington.

-Yeah, and blow this thing
out of proportion?

Listen, campers come in here,
they leave food around,

the bears get the smell of it,
and that's it!

-Well, this is different!

This bum's eating his victims!

-I have to agree.
Four people have been killed.

So let's quit
arguing responsibility!

-You've got enough men
at your disposal.

Now, either you do the job
or I will.

-Yeah, sure, you will.

[Footsteps departing]

[Engaging orchestral music
plays]

♪♪

♪♪

-If there's a bear out there,
I'm gonna get him.

-Not if I get him first.
-You be careful.

[Indistinct conversation]

♪♪

-You got the ammo, Charlie?
-Yep, I got plenty.

-We'll flush that old-boy out.
-Easy, fella, easy.

Don't get rambunctious.
-Come on, let's move out.

-Be careful, now.

[Dogs barking]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

♪♪

-Damn dogs.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hunters?

What the hell
are they doing out here?

-Probably looking for your bear.

-Who opened up this forest
for the hunters, huh?

You know that those clowns --

they're going to shoot
everything in sight.

-Well, let 'em. They might
get that old bear for us.

-Yeah, including
some of my rangers.

I'm heading back.

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Dogs barking]

[Birds screeching]

♪♪

-Jesus.

♪♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

[Wings fluttering]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Foliage rustling]

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

God!

Oh, geez!

[Bear roaring]

[Grunting]

♪♪

Oh! Oh!

♪♪

Oh, God! Oh, God!

♪♪

Aah. Oh, God!

♪♪

Oh, Jesus!

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

[Footsteps approaching]

[Telephone rings in distance]

-There are seats in this room.

-[Sighs]
-I don't wanna sit.

I wanna know what those hunters
are doing out there.

-I didn't have a choice.

-Do you know,
you made it open season

for every animal in those woods.

-My instructions were clear.
They're hunting for bear.

-It's not bear, it's grizzly.
There's a difference.

-A bear is a bear.

-A bear is not a bear,
believe it or not.

Besides you got a bunch
of drunken bums out there,

not professional hunters!
-I can't help that.

You always get a few crazies.

-I want 'em out of my forest.
-[Chuckles]

It's not yourforest, Kelly.

-[Sighs]

-Do you know those woods
are full of campers?

-Not in R3 and R4.

-Do you think
they're walking around

with a map or something?
-They're in no danger!

-Bull!

-I'm through.
-No.

I'd like to ask you something.

Why are you on my ass?

-I'm glad you asked that.

Kelly, you're a maverick.

We don't have room
for mavericks.

-Well, let me tell you
something, Kittridge.

While you've been sitting
around here on your fat ass,

I've made this forest
part of me.

-You listen here, you --
-No, youlisten!

Those hunters
are in my jurisdiction,

and I'm gonna deal with them
the way I see fit.

Now, you just try and stop me.

Scotty, wake up.

-[Clears throat]

[Sighs]

[Birds chirping]

[Traffic passing]

-Tom?
-Yeah?

-You okay?
-Fine.

Bastard got ahold of a hunter.

He managed to get away.

-Where is he?
-Over at the clinic.

He's really beat up.
-He's also one lucky hunter.

-[Whistles]
-Yeah.

-Okay, let's go.

Hey, Scotty, will you take Don
over to pick up his stuff?

[Indistinct conversation]

[Crickets chirping]

[Engine starts]

-Hey, load in some extra rifles.

We'll need 'em.

-I was feeling unloved.
-Well, so was I.

But I'm glad you stopped by.
We're just getting ready

to take off.
-I'm coming with you.

-Look, it's a butcher shop
out there,

and you just couldn't handle it.
-I couldn't?

-Alright, maybe Icouldn't
handle it, then.

-Look, I'll
stay out of your way.

-Honey,
it's not safe out there.

Now, I don't want to
see you get hurt.

I mean, for both our sakes.

-Is that a line that's supposed
to make me feel grateful?

-And I don't feel like
playing little boy-girl games.

-You just said the wrong thing.
-Now, you just pack it up.

You're not going with me.
-Damn it, Kelly!

-I'm glad you see it my way.
Really!

[Critters chittering]

[Ominous music plays]

[Bear panting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grunting]

-[Screams]

[Bear breathing heavily]

-[Laughs]

-I just lost 20 years.

-[Chuckles]

-This just might be
that old grizzly's cub.

-No way.
-It's a possibility.

-Hey. Hey, listen.

That thing might come in here
after that cub.

-Well, let's
get him outta here.

-He's right,
put it back in the woods.

-Hey, I got an idea.

We'll use this cub as bait.

We'll take it back in there,
find us a clearing.

We'll go in the blinds.

Ol' Mama come by, then pow!

[Bear breathing heavily]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

-It's a lot different
from deer hunting.

-Yeah, that damn thing
fights back.

-Hey, we gonna have to
hold the noise down.

The damn thing might not come
anywhere around.

[Bear roaring]

-Shh.

[Bear roars]

[Thud]

[Static]

-So the giant prehistoric
pervert killer grizzly

is also a pedophile cannibal?
-Yeah, he is.

-Oh. So the idiot hunters
use the bear cub as bait.

And the grizzly goes,
"Mmm! Found me some veal!"

-Pretty much.

-It's interesting
that they fade to black

so you don't have to witness

a giant bear
attacking a baby bear.

-I totally get that, though.

-Alright.
Let's talk about Kittridge,

the park superintendent
who refuses to close the park

and send the campers home.

Of course, in "Jaws,"
we know why the mayor

won't close the beach.

The economy of Amity Island
is 100% tourism,

so they only make money
in those three summer months.

The three summer months
support the other nine months

of the year.

But Kittridge,
played by Joe Dorsey,

runs a national park.

If he were to close it
until they caught the bear,

the result would be
disastrous for...who?

I mean...campers who had to
change their reservation

to another national park?

And then he has these lines
like,

"Kelly, you're a maverick,

and we don't have time
for mavericks."

So, Christopher George
is a maverick park ranger?

You know? Has he done anything
remotely maverick-like so far?

I mean, the strangest thing
he's done

is try to break up the crowd
by yelling,

"Return to your campsites!"

Not, "Return to your homes."
Not, "Return to your cars."

"Return to your campsites."

And they do. They just go back
to their campsites.

The bear counts on humans
being stupid.

Well, he hit the jackpot
in Clayton, Georgia.

So, let's talk
about the filmmakers,

starting with William Girdler.

William Girdler is sort of
a mythic presence in Louisville.

Bill Girdler was born in 1947

into one of the richest families
in Kentucky.

His father was an industrialist
who built and operated

hydrogen power plants
throughout the country.

And you know how when filmmakers
give the biographies,

they always say,
"I was making Super 8 films

in my backyard from the time
I was 8 years old."

They always say that.

So, Bill Girdler
was such a fan of movies

when he was 8 years old

that his parents built him
a screening room.

And so -- Now, let me
put that in perspective.

In 1955, the only people who had
private screening rooms at home

were the heads of the eight
major Hollywood studios...

and Bill Girdler,

because, first of all, you don't
just put in seats and a screen.

You needed a projection booth.

It was all 35-millimeter film.

And you needed
a 35-millimeter projector.

And actually two
35-millimeter projectors

because films were on reels.

And so at the end of each reel
there'd be a little

"3, 2, 1" countdown in the lower
right-hand corner of the frame.

And that was the signal
for the projectionist

to hit start on the second
projector when it got to zero.

And so when that reel
was playing

for about 20 minutes of reel,

he'd be loading the other
projector for the next reel.

And movies were anywhere
from 4 to 8 reels,

so you needed a professional
paid projectionist

who knew how to work
with 35-millimeter film.

But you also had to
get the films themselves.

No problem.

His parents just paid
the license fees

like a regular theater
and had them flown in,

or they would occasionally
borrow them from local theaters.

So the film cans
would be delivered to the house.

And Bill Girdler's
personal projectionist --

he's 8 years old --
would thread them up.

So Bill Girdler --
his friends remembered

that he was the only 8-year-old

who was picked up after school
by a chauffeur.

Okay? So that's Bill Girdler.

So Bill Girdler
becomes the only kid

who learns to make movies

by watching hundreds
of great movies

in his own private
screening room.

Then he goes to military school

because that's what people
do in his family.

And then at age 18,
he joins the Air Force

and he gets his first chance
to be a filmmaker.

And he's stationed in California
in a division of the Air Force

that makes documentaries
and educational films.

And I wonder if he was working
with those guys

who made "Slaughterhouse,"

because that's what they did,
too, in California

for the Air Force.

And his first real movie
is called "Hurricane Hunters."

He worked sound and camera
for the Air Force

on location in Puerto Rico.

And he also did the editing
on that movie.

And so he gets out
of the Air Force in 1972.

He takes a job back home
in Louisville

as the floor director
at WAVE TV Channel 3.

And he also sets up
a production company

that makes commercials
for companies

advertising on Channel 3

because his grandfather
gave him a warehouse

that he converted
into a soundstage.

So at the age of 25,
he makes his first feature,

shot it on Super 8.

"The Satan's Spectrum."
Also called "Asylum of Satan."

About a woman who wakes up
in an insane asylum

run by Satanists.

And Charles Kissinger,

The Fearmonger
that I referred to before,

played a triple role,
including one character in drag.

And Girdler paid
the Church of Satan

for technical advice,

and he purchased
a devil's costume

that had been made
for "Rosemary's Baby"
but never used.

And despite this --
He had a $60,000 budget.

And despite this pretty serious
effort, the film went nowhere.

Terrible reviews. Total loss
for the local investors.

And so for his second film,

the investors refused
to come back.

So he took $30,000
out of his trust fund

to make a "Psycho" rip-off
called "Three on a Meathook"

also starring Kissinger,

a film that is
sometimes referenced

by viewers of this show,
I'm surprised to say.

But, again,
no profit on that film.

But it gets noticed
by Sam Arkoff

at American International
Pictures,

and AIP finances
his next three movies,

which is a good thing because
his trust fund got cut off.

So he goes to LA

and he makes three
blaxploitation pictures

in the heyday of
the blaxploitation craze.

And those movies
are pretty decent movies.

"The Zebra Killer."

Also called "The Get-Man"
or "Combat Cops."

It had several names.

It's about a maniac Black killer
who turns out not to be Black.

It's a white maniac killer
who paints his face

with black shoe polish
and wears an Afro wig

so he can get revenge on the cop
who sent his dad to prison.

-What?!
-So, yeah.

That picture is pretty good.

It should have made money,
but the theaters dropped it

because they thought it was
demonizing Black people.

In fact, it was
demonizing white people

who demonized black people.

Anyway, the theaters didn't like
that on-the-nose

racial implication of the movie.
-I get that.

-But he finally had
his breakthrough movie

with the second film he made
for Sam Arkoff -- "Abby."

Now, I've talked
about "Abby" before.

"Abby" was a $400,000 film,

featured one of the big
blaxploitation stars of the day,

William Marshall.
-Yay.

-William Marshall, best known
as the star of "Blacula."

"Scream Blacula Scream."

But this was
an "Exorcist" rip-off.

The title character
is played by Carol Speed,

and she's a preacher's wife
who gets possessed

by Eshu the demon, who has sex
with her in the shower,

and he gives her many orgasms,

and that causes her to become
a sex-crazed,

obscenity-spouting pariah
of the town.

-That totally happened to me.

[Laughter]

-What do you mean?

You had sex with a demon
or you became sex-crazed

or you started cursing
like a sailor

or you got shunned by the town?
Which of --

-All of the above. All of it.
-Okay.

So you could have worked
with William Girdler

if you had been born
two generations earlier.

-Damn. I just missed it.

-So, "Abby" also starred
Juanita Moore as Abby's mom.

Juanita Moore was one of the
classiest actors of the time.

She was nominated
for an Academy Award

for "Imitation of Life"
back in 1959.

So, anyway, the movie
had a big budget for --

For AIP, it was a big budget,

and it had these big
African-American famous names.

It had sex.
It had demon possession.

And so it opened huge.

And because it opened huge,

it got immediately sued
by Warner Bros.

Warners went through this period
where they sued any movie

that had an exorcism in it.

But here's the great thing
about this one.

Warners lost.

The judge said, "You cannot own
the word 'exorcist.'

You cannot own
the exorcism right."

So the lawyers
attacked the wrong things.

They could have attacked
things in "Abby"

that were just
straight rip-offs.

But "Abby" ended up
making more money

than "Blacula,"

and William Girdler
realized, "Wow.

It's kind of easy
to take these blockbuster films

and copy them,
and the courts don't care."

So I really think
"Grizzly" was born

the day the judge rendered
his verdict on "Abby."

And then Girdler made
one last movie for AIP.

"Sheba, Baby."

And that starred
the superstar Pam Grier.

But she hated being
in Louisville, Kentucky,

and she did not get along well
with Girdler.

The script was not that good.

The movie did good box office,

but basically
on Pam Grier's name.

But it's probably the weakest

of the three AIP flicks
that he did.

And then Girdler wanted to make
a movie in the Philippines,

because this was the golden age
of Filipino action flicks.

So he made a political thriller
called "Project: Kill" in 1976,

starring Leslie Nielsen,

and he ended up living
in Leslie Nielsen's guest house

because he was
running out of money again.

But then "Grizzly" happened,

and people knew
exactly what it was

because the original
poster tagline

was, "The most dangerous jaws
in the land."

That was the tagline
on the poster.

So behold the man's legacy.
Roll the film.

♪♪

Have you ever seen
"Great White"?

-I don't think so.
-That's a "Jaws" rip-off.

They didn't even bother
to change animals on that one.

Italian, of course.

But if you think
this is a rip-off,

that one was so obvious
that the courts just said,

"Okay. Shut that one down.
Give us all the prints."

All the prints
now belong to Universal.

Universal still has the prints.

They have kept "Great White"
out of sight for 40 years.

They still will not
allow anybody --

They will not allow that movie
to be released anywhere.

-Well, now I really
want to see it.

-I know. Right?
There are some bootlegs

because it was released
in Italy.

-Oh. I promise you I'll have
a copy of it by tomorrow.

-You're so good.

You're so good
at those espionage projects.

But "Grizzly"
and "Great White"

were released
by the same company,

Film Ventures International.

We've talked about them before.
Owned by Edward L. Montoro.

You remember him? The guy
who cut up "Antropophagus."

And then he took $1 million
out of the bank,

went to the airport,
and was never seen again.

-Yes, yes.

-But you know why I think
Ed Montoro is still alive?

It's got to be eating him up.

He wants
that "Great White" money.

You know, one week in theaters,

and then, whammo, the movie
gets seized by the authorities.

Not just shut down
for the time being. Seized!

So he feels like Universal stole
an entire movie from him.

He cannot die, because
he wants revenge on Universal.

Edward Montoro would be 95 today
if he's still alive --

'cause they never found him.

But alright.

I appeal to our
Latin American viewers,

especially those
in assisted-living facilities,

because he headed your way
in 1984.

Look for the guy who mutters

about "Great White"
in his sleep.

Maybe you can find him, Darcy.

-I'll put out the word
that we want him on the show.

-I don't think we can
have him on the show

because if he came on the show,
he'd get arrested.

-He's like 95.
No one's gonna arrest him.

-Well, anyway, "Great White."

That is the "Hogzilla"
of shark movies.

-And I found "Hogzilla."

-You did find "Hogzilla."
That's true. So...

One night only.

Edward L. Montoro presents
"Great White,"

only on Shudder!

-Dude. Do not underestimate me.

-I would never
underestimate you.

[Laughter]

[Static]

-Whose stupid idea was it
to use that cub as live bait?

-It was mine.
-The best kind of bait...

-It really doesn't make
any difference anymore, does it?

-Anybody see it happen?
-No.

She just grabbed up the cub,
and that was it.

-We know one thing for sure.
-What's that?

Our grizzly's a "he"
instead of a "she."

-Now, how the hell
do you know that?

You been peeking?
-Don't have to.

Only the males
are cannibalistic.

They'll eat a cub
if they're hungry.

-Yeah, but does that
help us, Scotty?

-It sure does.
He's gonna retrace his route.

I mean, he's gonna come back
to the scene of his crime.

-Well, then he still
could be around here.

-He could be listening to us
right now.

-Well, if that's the case,
maybe we can flush him out.

-Can we help?

-Yeah, but we go by the book.
Everyone follows orders.

-Call the shots, mister.
-What's your name?

-Pat.
-Okay, Pat.

You and the rest of the guys
go up the north ridge.

That's Pinto Pass.
-I know where it is.

-Alright. We're gonna spread and
hold the line at Culver Basin.

Now, if he comes down,
that's where he's coming down.

-Hey, listen, when y'all boys
come down that ridge,

kind of make like a war party.

Make a lot of noise, will you?

Maybe that grizzly
will head towards us, then.

-Alright.
We'll expect you to be in place

and ready to go at daybreak.

-Yeah. Let's get with it.
-Okay.

Tell him you're not gonna
be going with us.

-What?

-You're not leaving me
out of this, man. No way.

-I'm not leaving you
out of anything.

I'm assigning you
to Arrow Tower.

-Don't do me any favors.

Look, I can handle myself
down here.

-Now, you cool off and listen.

Now, you know how thick it is
down here.

Now, from up there,
you might be able to spot him

and you might
get a crack at him.

-Yeah, and I might
just get left out

of this whole damn thing.
-Tom!

You're not gonna be
left out of anything. Okay?

-Wish to hell it would
hurry up and get daylight.

-It won't be much longer.
-Not?

-It's still a little bit
chilly this morning, though.

Ain't it?

-Yeah, it's sort of cool for
this time of year, anyway.

-Would you come on?
-Alright.

Let's go.

-Let's keep it quiet, okay?

-Kelly, I'd like
to have the first shot.

-Well, I can't promise that.

-We got a grizzly out there
that's at least 15 feet tall,

weighs maybe 2,000,
3,000 pounds, right?

I want to capture him.

-You what?
You want to capture it?

-That's right.

-[Chuckling]

-He's not kidding.
-I've been developing these

brand-new tranquilizer
shells and --

-Aw, Christ!

That shell won't penetrate the
hair of his chinny-chin-chin.

-Not trying to kill him
with it, mister.

Just want to put him to sleep.
-Oh, yeah, well, that's fine.

But first you got to
knock him down.

That baby won't do it.

-We'll see about that.
-[Chuckling]

-Well, I sure hope
you ain't out there alone.

You're liable
to become its breakfast.

I figure that old grizzly's
hungry again by now.

-Not for a while. I told you
he just ate the cub.

I doubt if he's hungry now.

-Oh, yeah?

Well, that was merely
an appetizer, my man.

I figure that old grizzly's
had himself some human flesh,

and he ain't gonna settle
for nothing else.

-[Chuckles]
That's pretty ridiculous.

-It is, huh?

Well, let me tell you
a little story, boy.

A long time ago,
there was a tribe of Indians

up here in these woods.

They was all laid down
with the pox,

uh, something I can't remember.

Anyway, this herd of grizzlies
smelled 'em out.

They come in, and they ate 'em.
They tore 'em all up.

Little children.
The sick ones. Everybody.

There was a few braves
that was healthy enough

to go out on the hunt.

They came back...

and the grizzlies
turned on them.

So there you had
a little situation.

A whole herd
of man-eating grizzlies

was just running around,
tearing up the Indians.

-That's pretty hard to believe.

-Unless you happened to be
one of them Indians.

-Yeah.

Kelly. I can still root him out
my own way.

Hell, I can look like him.
I can smell like him.

Now, give me a chance.
Let me go in!

-You got a dime?
I'm gonna call his mama.

I mean, does your mama know
that you're running around

out here in the woods,
trying to act like a bear?

You smell like one,
you scratching around
on the ground like one?

I mean, does she know
that you're making

a damn fool of yourself,
you're chasing something

about the size of a D8 Cat
with teeth?!

You know, I think
your mama would be

a little disappointed in you.

-Maybe.

But not nearly as disappointed
as she would be

if she had had you for a son,
sonny.

-Scotty. Scotty!

You spotted him first.
You get a crack at him.

But I don't want you going out
in those woods alone.

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversation]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Com beeping]

-Coulson here.

-Do you see anything
moving out there at all?

-Only your hunters
tearing up the forest.

-Well, keep looking. He has
to be out there someplace.

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

-[Wood cracking]
-Jesus.

It's the grizzly!

-Hold on, Tom! Just hold on!
We're on our way!

♪♪

Come on, Don! Come on!

[Bear roaring]

[Wood cracking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gun firing]

♪♪

-He's right there.
We're almost there.

[Bear roaring]

[Wood cracking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-How do you think this
bear thing is being handled?

-Okay, I guess. I mean, they
kept the bear away from here,

and that's what counts.

I sure do feel sorry for that
poor forest ranger, though.

-Yeah, I think we all feel
the same way.

-I'm sorry.
-So am I.

-Is there anything I can do?

-No. He had a family.

-Send some flowers.

-I've got a plan.
But I need time and men.

-Kelly, I'm not --
-Listen!

Just listen.

He got Tom here.

Now, his first -- his first
killing took place up here.

He circled and killed,
circled and killed.

He circled and found
and killed Gail here.

Then he circled again, got
behind us, and killed Tom.

Now, I think he's gonna
continue heading down,

looking for human food.

That thing seems to know
what we're thinking.

And I'd like to get
the jump on him this time.

-A grizzly is an animal, Kelly.
Don't give it human qualities.

-He's not even listening
to you, Kelly. Mnh-mnh.

See, he doesn't understand
that we're dealing with

a highly intelligent beast.

-Scotty. Scotty!

Will you take that sandwich
outside and eat it?

Please?

[Telephone rings]

Charley. Close the park and
give me another crack at him.

-There is no need
to close the park.

-Do you know
that there are more --

more reporters out there
and TV cameramen

than there are animals?
It's a goddamn circus!

-I invited them.
-You invited them?

-I want them to see
the kind of clean, thorough job

that we're capable of doing.

-You're kidding!

We have five dead people,
one raving, almost dead man,

and you call that clean?!

-We're doing everything in our--

-Bullshit!
-Kelly!

-You know,
I just figured you out.

You don't give a good goddamn
if we get that grizzly or not!

As long as you get your press,
so you can go to Washington

and get one of those nice
dark-brown plastic offices!

-Get out!

-Well, you just lost
your office.

Because when
I'm finished with you,

there's not gonna be
anybody there

waiting to shake your
greasy, bloody hand.

-You are finished,
dismissed, removed!

-Up yours.

[Dogs barking]

[insects chirping]

[Lighter clicking]

-For whatever it's worth, don't
take it all on your shoulders.

They're not broad enough.

[Horn honking]

-Yeah, I mean, uh...

What the hell
do hunters know about --

rangers know about hunting?

You know something, Scotty?

Do you know the kind
of real-estate deal

I could make on this property?

I mean, if it was
private property, of course.

First, I'd parcel off the lots
then --

-Do whatever you like.

Now, if you wanna hang up your
jock, that's your business.

-Scotty, do me a favor.

Go home.

-Mnh-mnh.
I'm gonna get that grizzly.

-What?
-You heard me.

-Stay out of the forest.

-Why? It's not just a job to me.
I'm in the forest anyway.

It's like home to me. I like
it there. And I can find him.

-You're crazy. You know that?
You're crazy!

-Could be.

But meanwhile,
you could just sit here

and nurse your battered pride
and your Scotch,

and I'll get us
our Ursus horribilis.

-[Chuckles]

[Door opens and closes]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

-Robert, you stay close, now,
you hear?

Do you hear me?
-Yes, ma'am.

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

-No!
-Mommy!

Mommy, help!

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

-No!

[Crunch]

♪♪

[People murmuring faintly]

[Thunder rumbling]

-Carnival over?

-Yes.

-Everybody goes?
-Yes.

-That includes the press,
mister.

The park's closed.

-The people
have a right to know.

-Oh, you got your story.

The story is about greed.

I don't want him
to go to Washington.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

-Hey, that's a good lead line
for the story.

-Well, your hands
aren't clean either, pal.

You and your cameras,
you've made it so exciting,

so attractive.

-We told it like it was.
-No.

There's only one person
who can tell it how it was.

And that's little Bobby.

-He's alive?

-Part of him is.

If we can get him
to the city hospital in time.

[Speaks indistinctly]

[Engine starts]

[Siren wails]

[Static]

-Okay. Uh...

Little Bobby gets his leg
ripped off by the bear,

and then the bear eats the kid's
mother right in front of him.

But any kid of any age
could enjoy that scene

because it was rated PG.

[Laughter]

[Sighs]
Okay. We're in this.

Where do I start, Darcy?

-It doesn't bother me
when the creatures eat the kids.

-You know, I know that you're
a pro child-endangerment mom.

-I just think it's okay
to do kill scenes with kids.

It shouldn't be taboo.

Kids get murdered in real life,
so it's, like, realistic.

-Kill scenes with animals
bother you

more than kill scenes with kids.
-They do.

-Well, we got our first full
view of Teddy in that sequence.

Have you noticed how no one
ever sees or hears

a 2,000-pound, 15-foot-tall
grizzly bear approaching?

It's always a surprise attack.

You know, by the time they go,
"Hey, it's a bear,"

they're already dead.
-You're nitpicking again.

-Okay. Let's start
with this Andrew Prine,

who plays Captain Quint.

Oh, excuse me. As Robert Shaw.

Oh, excuse me

Vietnam vet helicopter pilot
Don Stober.

He does that long speech
that's supposed to be the same

as Robert Shaw's speech
about the sinking

of the USS Indianapolis
in "Jaws,"

explaining, you know --

Robert Shaw is explaining
why he hates sharks.

This character is explaining
why he hates grizzlies.

Did you notice
in the opening titles

there are three screenwriters?

The third one is Andrew Prine.

That's because he wrote
this speech himself.

And it's all about a village
of Indians that was slaughtered

by a herd of
man-eating grizzlies.

So, first of all,

there's no such thing
as a herd of grizzlies.

They don't live in herds.

If a group of bears congregate,
which is very rare --

they're not that social --
it's called a sleuth of bears.

-Wow. You should really
be a camp counselor.

-I was a Boy Scout, Darcy.

I mean, we spend lots of time
in the woods.

-I bet you do.

-And, supposedly -- Let me talk.
-Okay.

-And, supposedly --
Somebody else says

in that same sequence,
"He's tasted human flesh.

Now he won't settle
for anything else."

Didn't we just watch him
eat bear flesh, you know?

But, anyway, the main thing
I want to ask is,

is copter pilot Don implying
he's a Native American

traumatized
by the death of his tribe

when they were attacked
by maniacal grizzly bears?

Because, if so,
that didn't come through.

Andrew should have declined
that writing credit.

The scene ends up
having nothing to do

with the story.

-The destruction of the tower
was pretty cool.

-That's true. But, you know --

But once again, what's the
purpose of a ranger tower?

So you can see the bear.

But this bear is so silent
and invisible

that even though

it's 2,000 pounds
and 15 feet tall,

it walks right up
to the base of the tower

while Tom is doing nothing
but staring

at the forest
through binoculars.

Are we supposed to think
it's a supernatural bear?

I mean, this corresponds
to the scene in "Jaws"

where the shark destroys a boat.

So I'm surprised
they didn't have somebody say,

"We're gonna need
a taller tower," you know?

And, yet,
the two screenwriters --

the two screenwriters are

Harvey Flaxman
and David Sheldon.

They insist to this day that
they wrote an original script

that has nothing to do
with "Jaws."

Do you believe that, Darcy?

-It's a little hard to believe.

-You know, I don't want
to discredit their claim.

In fact, I would love
to have either

or both of them come to the show
and defend their script.

But what they say is the idea
for "Grizzly" arose

when Harvey Flaxman,
who lived on Long Island,

took his family
on a summer vacation

to Yellowstone National Park
in July 1975,

and when they got there,

the park issued a grizzly-bear
warning to the campers,

and that sparked the idea,
which he took back to his friend

David Sheldon,

who ran the
Gateway Summer Stock Theatre

in Bellport, Long Island,

which is where both of them
had worked.

And David owned the theater.

Harvey had produced plays there.

And they worked out the plot
together.

Now, just as an aside,

he does say his summer trip
was in July 1975.

Well, "Jaws" was released
on June 20, 1975.

Just saying.

-I feel like
you're overanalyzing

the source material
for "Grizzly."

-Yes, I am.

I am overanalyzing it
because that's what I do.

Okay. So, the other writer
is David Sheldon.

So, David Sheldon
and Harvey Flaxman

were both born in Far Rockaway,

which is part
of the borough of Queens

in New York City
on the Atlantic Ocean.

So about as far
from the grizzly habitat,

both in culture
and in geography,

that you can possibly be.

But David Sheldon grew up
on this Long Island farm

where his parents ran a resort
hotel called the Gateway.

It's about halfway between
Fire Island and the Hamptons.

And in the barn
on their property,

Sheldon's sister ran
this summer stock theater.

So, at the age of 17,

David started directing plays,
acting in plays,

and he did that for 10 years.

And then he went to
the Yale School of Drama.

He studied at the Actors Studio,

and that's where he met
and married Joan McCall,

who would take Broadway
by storm.

She starred in two
Neil Simon plays on Broadway.

She starred in another play
by Evan Hunter.

And that's why Joan McCall

is the love interest
in "Grizzly."

She's married
to David Sheldon.

She plays Allison.
Although, in my opinion,

David wrote a very weak
story line for his wife.

I mean, it's a love story,
but is it a love story?

I don't even know
if it's a love story

because she's basically finished
in the film at this point.

She just disappears
from the narrative.

She never comes back.

Supposedly they filmed
this hot sex scene

in front of a roaring fireplace

between her
and Christopher George,

but they decided later
that more grizzly attacks

were a better use of screen time
than that roaring sex scene.

Anyway, the Gateway
Summer Stock Theatre

back in the '60s became a talent
farm for Columbia Pictures.

Robert Duvall
was spotted there.

Geraldine Page, Ken Howard,
Gene Hackman.

And when Columbia would do the
screen tests for these actors,

David Sheldon would direct
the screen test.

So, eventually David Sheldon
moves to Hollywood.

He develops projects for
American International Pictures.

That's where he hooked up
with William Girdler.

He was the producer
on the first two

blaxploitation films
that Girdler did.

They were partners
on "Sheba, Baby."

He was the writer

on "Project: Kill"
with Leslie Nielsen.

And then he was
the executive producer

on all the rest
of Girdler's movies.

Meanwhile, his wife,
Joan McCall,

really didn't continue
with acting

when they moved
to the West Coast.

She was a theater actor.

And she never really quite made
the transition to film,

but she became
a writer herself.

Mostly she wrote
for soap operas.

And she wrote a screenplay
for "Heart Like a Wheel,"

that biopic
on Shirley Muldowney,

the first female drag racer.

Anyway, so, these
two Far Rockaway dudes

met at the Gateway Theater
on Long Island.

Harvey Flaxman
was writing and directing.

So was David Sheldon.

And the magic of "Grizzly"

evolved from their friendship
into this...

homage to "Jaws."

Can we call it an "homaws"?
-No.

-Okay. I didn't think so.

Okay. Roll the movie.
I just wanted to explain --

Does Allison come back
at the end

and hug the park ranger
or something?

Do they shack up in a mountain
cabin in the last scene?

-No. She's history.

-And they make a big deal

about how she's this
strong, independent woman

who tells her dad
how to better run his restaurant

by charging more for wine

and how she's making her way
in a man's world.

But then when
they're fighting the bear,

she's back at the lodge.

-You got to admit, though,

that when they have
the love scenes,

the movie kind of
just grinds to a halt.

-Yeah, I mean, they're not --
I mean,

they probably said, "Honey,
just stay back at the lodge."

-Probably.
-And that would be

the Sky Valley Ski Lodge
in Rabun Gap, Georgia,

which at the time was
the southernmost skiing resort

in North America.

Why would you tell people that?

"We're the southernmost
skiing resort."

Unfortunately, it closed down
and was left in ruins after 2007

because they realized
there's no snow

at the southernmost skiing
resort in North America.

That's what happens when you're

the southernmost skiing resort
in North America.

So they weren't able
to keep things going

with "'Grizzly' filmed here"
publicity, you know?

"Here. Sleep in
the roaring fireplace bedroom

where Christopher George
and Joan McCall

had sex in a scene so bad

it's not even included
on the DVD extras!"

That just didn't bring
the tourists in, so it's sad.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

-This feels like 'Nam
all over again.

That special excitement.

-Well, we'll get him this time.

-You think so, huh?
-Well, I haven't got a choice.

Hey, listen,
I want to thank you.

I'd be in over my head
without your help.

-You're getting it.

Alright.

If this ain't all ironic.

Now, in 'Nam,

I zapped about 100,
maybe 200 gooks.

People.

We called them gooks
so it wouldn't get personal.

But it did get personal, anyway.

So I stopped counting
and tried to stop caring.

You know, now I don't kill
nothing no more.

Not even flies.
Made myself that promise.

-Well, I'm sorry.

-Nah. Sorry ain't necessary.

This is my choice.
I could've said no.

Where's Scott?

-Ah, he went out there
on his own. He's crazy.

-You know, that boy is weird.

♪♪

[Horse grunts]

♪♪

[Helicopter blades whirring]

♪♪

-What makes you think
this old bear's

really moving back up-country?

-Well, what we know
about grizzlies --

they don't like to stray.

-This one made it into town.
I'd call that straying.

-Well, I think he's just lost.

He wants to go home
where it's safe.

-We gonna help him go home?

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Here.
-I got one.

-No, that army rifle you got
ain't gonna get what we need.

This here is .30-06 with a K4
scope on it for fast shooting.

You gonna need it.

Hold this, will ya?

Oh, boy.

I wish my mom had taught me
how to tie a knot.

Let's take it over there
somewhere.

-Alright.

-If we get some
kind of downwind,

old bear might smell
this animal

and come on after it.

You could help.

[Bear grumbling]

[Michael grunting]

-Ah, this mother's heavy.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Hold it right there.

-I am holding it right there.

-Don, will you lift?

-What do you think I'm doing?!

[Grunts] Come here, sweetheart.
Get on.

-Okay. Alright.

Whew.

-Here.

I'm gonna go on back and
get the rest of the gear.

-Alright.
I'll start in the blind.

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

[Critters chittering]

[Bear panting]

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

[Gun clicks]

[Bear roaring]

-Don! I hear him!
He's on the run!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-We lost him.

-We were right behind him.

-I don't know about that.
He's just gone.

-Christ!
We must have run a mile.

-Only thing to do
is go back to the copter.

♪♪

[Horse grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Horse neighs]

♪♪

♪♪

-Aw. Son of a bitch!

He figured us out.

He took us out
and then circled back.

-That's what he did.

-You know, it's like, uh,
we're a couple of his toys.

-We are.

You know, he could circle
back 'round here again.

-Well, don't even say that,

'cause we gotta try
and get some sleep.

-It's too late
to track him now.

Let's go on back to the chopper.
-Alright.

♪♪

♪♪

[Horse grunts]

♪♪

-Whoa.

[Horse whinnies]

♪♪

[Critters chittering]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Foliage rustling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Critters chittering]

♪♪

♪♪

-Are you sure you wanna
take the first watch?

Oh, uh, by the way,

just in case
you should fall asleep

and feel a wet snout
on your face,

whatever you do, don't move
and don't kiss it back.

'Cause it ain't me.

-Ha. That ain't funny.

-You know, you're right.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[insects chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Horse grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

-Kelly. Come in, Kelly.

-This is Kelly, Scotty.
Where the hell are you?

-Never mind that.
Just listen to me.

I found a partially eaten buck.

-That must been the one
that we gutted.

-What are you talking about?
-Never mind. Where are you?

-I think it was our grizzly
that was doing the eating.

-Where the hell are you,
Scotty?!

-What do you want?
Compass coordinates?

-No, a street and ZIP will do.

-[Chuckles] Alright.

I'm above R4 in Zone A-21.

-Okay. Stay there. No. Listen.

On second thought,
get the hell out of there.

He might be coming back
for the rest of his meal.

-That's just what
I'm hoping for.

Look. I got a rope. I'm
gonna put it around his neck

and haul him through the woods
to where you fellas are.

With any luck,
our friend is gonna follow.

-Negative!

-I'm leaving right now.
I'll meet you halfway.

-Scotty. Scotty!

♪♪

[Horse whinnies]

♪♪

[Critters chittering]

♪♪

[Gun cocks]

-Come on.

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

[Horse neighing]

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

[Static]

-You know, normally I would say,

is it possible
to behead a horse?

I mean, I know they did it
in "The Godfather,"

but Luca Brasi had a knife,
you know?

Just hitting a horse hard enough
to behead it?

You know, I would be skeptical
if it were not for the fact

that Scotty's horse
was apparently borrowed

from a 3-year-old's
pony-ride birthday party.

You know, is that the
scroungiest horse you ever saw?

But then this is not
your average bear.

-Oh, wow.
Did you really say that?

-I've been trying
to work that in all night.

-Are you proud of yourself?
-Yes, I'm proud of myself.

'Cause it bugs you.

This grizzly knows
that its mortal enemies

are in that helicopter.

And that's why he stands up
on his hind legs

and roars at the copter

like, "Get out of my forest,

you weapon-totin',
demented humans!"

But come on, though.

We knew Scotty was a goner

as soon as he said he wanted
to use a tranquilizer gun.

Are you kidding?
This is the '70s, man.

This is the age of overkill.

There are no tranquilizer guns
in action movies of the '70s.

-I like Scotty, though.
-Really?

-He's, like,
the most interesting actor

in the whole movie.
-Well, I do agree with that

because, you know,
"I can look like him.

I can smell like him.
I live with the bears."

That's the late Richard Jaeckel.
Tough guy, character actor.

He debuted in
"Guadalcanal Diary" in 1943,

and he worked nonstop
for 50 years,

except he served four years
in the Navy.

He worked with John Wayne a lot.
He was one of the Dirty Dozen.

He got nominated for the Oscar
for his performance

in "Sometimes A Great Notion"
in 1971.

He ended up in the Actors Home
in Woodland Hills.

And actually guys like him --
that's why we raised

all that money for 'em
in our Christmas auction.

And he died at Woodland Hills
in 1997.

Okay, Darcy,
these scenes coming up.

These are the ones where they
use the two-man bear costume.

One man on the shoulders
of the other guy.

You can't always tell
'cause it's really quick shots.

But it's William Girdler
special effects at their finest.

And, by the way, I was making
fun of Andrew Prine's

writing at the last break.

I mean,
they shouldn't have let him

do that Captain Quint speech.

But he was also
a legendary character actor,

both film and stage.

He had famous roles

in "The Miracle Worker,"

"Texas Across the River,"
"Chisum."

Actually,
all three of these guys

were in "Chisum"
with John Wayne.

He starred in

"The Centerfold Girls,"
"The Evil."

You know, I'm naming movies
that this audience would like.

"Amityville II: The Possession,"
"Eliminators."

But his first love was theater.

He had first gotten attention
on Broadway when he did

"Look Homeward, Angel"
and "The Miracle Worker,"

both in 1962,

and then he guest starred
in virtually

every Western TV series
ever made.

He was an Actors Studio guy.

He did
"Long Day's Journey Into Night"

with Charlton Heston
and Deborah Kerr.

He was directed
by Henry Fonda

in the stage version
of "The Caine Mutiny."

So, alright.

We got a ton of grizzly
rampaging through

Black Rock Mountain State Park
in North Georgia.

And he's not gonna be satisfied

until some park personnel
are eliminated.

So roll the film.

♪♪

Oh, I didn't mention
this before,

but they did reveal

why the superintendent refuses
to close the park.

It's because he wants
one of those

"brown plastic offices"
in Washington.

Did you pick up on that, Darcy?
-Not really.

-Remember that scene
where the superintendent

fires Kelly?

"Finished, dismissed, removed."

Which, by the way,
doesn't seem to change anything

'cause in the next scene
he's still in uniform,

still working the case.
-Yeah.

It's one of those
screaming scenes.

-Right. They get head-to-head,
and he fires Kelly

because he exposed the park
superintendent's dirty secret.

He wants a brown plastic office.

What do you think you do
in a brown plastic office?

-I don't want to think about it.
-Right? Right?

But he can't close the park
because he wants one so bad!

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

[Bear roars]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bird screeches]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-How are we gonna get him back?

♪♪

[Michael sniffling]

We'll bury him here.

♪♪

We'll radio in the coordinates,

and someone will come
and get him.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-It's funny how a fella
kinda goes up and down

like some kind of yo-yo.

I'm getting ready to kill
again. I can't hardly wait.

I kinda liked that old boy.

You know, when I was
kidding around with him,

I never meant him no insult.

-I know.

You know, Don...

you two were a lot alike.

-Let's have another look
at that grid map.

There. Right there.
That's were he's going.

-That's back to his first kill.
I mean, it's incredible!

-He's programmed. Like some kind
of damned computer.

-But how? Why, man?

-Hell, I don't know.

Why do salmon swim back upstream
to where it all began?

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

[Roaring]

♪♪

-Hey. You're getting in
kind of close.

-Have faith, brother.

♪♪

-Ooh-whee!
Man, he's really moving!

-Let's give that son of a bitch
a run for his money.

♪♪

♪♪

-I think we lost him.

♪♪

♪♪

-I see him! I see him!

-He's a mother-lovin' runner!

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

It'll just take one rocket.

We'll get that damn launcher
and blast him.

-Set her down!
-You sure?

-Yeah. Let's go in after him.

He's tired and he's scared.
He needs to come back out.

-Alright.

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

-Oh, shit.

[Gun cocks]

[Gun firing]

[Bear grumbling]

[Gun cocks]

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

[Don grunting]

[Bear roaring]

♪♪

[Bear grumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bear roaring]

[Clicking]

[Rocket fires]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

-Alright. Scotty gets killed
twice by the bear.

Doubling the pain.

And then the bear is so tough
that it can attack a helicopter

without the slightest damage
from the whirling blades.

A rocket was the only answer.

And that bear
exploded real good.

Now, I won't go over
all 50 parallels with "Jaws,"

but here are the biggies.

If we can go to the chart,
Austin.

Numero uno.

The creature
is uncommonly large.

Alright. Numero two-oh.

The creature is terrorizing
swimmers and campers.

Alright. Numero three-oh.

The creature is kept mainly
off screen for the first hour.

Okay. Numeral four-oh.

There are many scenes
of frightened

and fleeing
swimmers and campers.

Numeral five-oh.

There are endless arguments
between the cop and the mayor,

the ranger
and the superintendent

about closing the park.

Alright.

Or closing the beach.

Numero six-oh.

The creature destroys
a wooden pier or a wooden tower.

Numero seven-oh.

The main character
is a police chief

or a forest ranger.

Chief forest ranger.

Numero eight-oh.

The secondary character
is a war-veteran boat captain

or war-veteran helicopter pilot.

Numero nine-oh.

The tertiary character

is a marine-biologist
shark expert.

Naturalist bear expert.

Numero ten-oh.

The three of them
set out for sail

for one final showdown
with the shark bear.

So there's a three-man
final showdown in both movies.

And numero eleven-oh.

Bait is dragged behind a boat.

Bait is dragged behind a horse.

To attract the shark
and/or bear.

Numero twelve-oh.

The creature blows up real good
in both movies.

"Grizzly" opened on 800 screens
in May of 1976.

That's a lot of screens
for an independent film.

It made $39 million,

which was 52 times
the cost of production.

And it got an amazing 34 share
when it aired later on ABC,

and it became a late-night
favorite on TBS in later years.

David Begelman,
the head of Columbia Pictures,

watched just 11 minutes of it

and offered a million and a half
for the foreign rights.

And Ed Montoro, head of
Film Ventures International,

decided to keep all that money
for himself.

You may have noticed
the beautiful symphony score

that's used throughout.

That is Robert Ragland
conducting

the National Philharmonic
Orchestra of London.

And it was Ed Montoro
who suggested

that they spend the money
to hire that orchestra

and put that score on the film
in post-production.

He then went to court and --
He didn't go to court.

He just claimed
through his lawyer

that that music caused
the movie to go over budget

and therefore all of
the other shares except his

were invalidated.

So Girdler and the two writers
had to sue Montoro,

and while that was going on,
Girdler had to continue to live

in Leslie Nielsen's guest house
because he was broke.

Now, that didn't mean he stopped
making movies, though.

The following year, he made
another eco-horror flick

called "Day of the Animals"

because he thought if one killer
bear could make that much money,

just think what you could do
with multiple killer creatures.

So in "Day of the Animals,"

the ozone layer has been
depleted by aerosol cans

and is causing all animals

that live 5,000 feet or more
above sea level

to become crazy and violent
and attack one another.

So it has a killer bear,

the same bear
that they used in this movie,

a killer mountain lion,
a killer wolf,

killer turkey vultures,
hawks, owls,

crows, dogs, rats, snakes.

And I may have left out a few.

Leslie Nielsen is the coldly
calculating advertising man

who turns out to be
a deranged, shirtless maniac

when the deteriorating ozone
strips away all restraint

and unleashes
latent personality traits.

Michael Ansara is the sheriff

killed by leaping rats
in his own kitchen.

He goes in for a midnight snack,
and he becomes a midnight snack.

Christopher George is back,

along with his famous wife,
Lynda Day George.

Andrew Stevens.

Ruth Roman,
who we love from "The Baby."

"Day of the Animals"
had a $12-million budget --

I'm sorry.
A $1.2-million budget.

[Laughter]

But it was released the same day
as "Star Wars."

So lightning
did not strike twice.

The movie made a little money,
but it was not a hit.

And then Girdler
made his final film in 1978.

He read and loved
a Graham Masterton novel

called "The Manitou,"

and he paid $50,000
for the rights to "The Manitou."

And this was an attempt

to cross "The Exorcist"
with "Star Wars."

That's what I said.

Tony Curtis
is a fake spiritualist.

Burgess Meredith
is an Indian historian.

Susan Strasberg shoots
laser beams across the cosmos

to plug up a portal to Earth,

but not before
a medicine-man fetus

grows up out of her shoulder.

Lalo Schifrin did the music,

but William Girdler
was not around

to see the box-office results

because after
he wrapped "The Manitou,"

he was scouting locations in the
Philippines for his next film.

He was in a helicopter
with his producer,

Patrick Kelly, and they were
about 25 miles from Manila,

and they were flying
through a valley,

and the copter struck
some low-hanging,

high-tension power lines.

And the copter burst into
flames, crashed in the jungle.

All three people were burned
beyond recognition.

He was just 30 years old.

But he had made nine films
in seven years.

And at the rate he was going,
he probably would have equaled

the totals of Sam Arkoff,
Roger Corman,

all the other low-budget legends

if he had lived
a normal life span.

But his remains were flown
back to Kentucky,

and he was buried
in Cave Hill Cemetery

alongside all the other
famous sons of Louisville.

Colonel Harland Sanders
is buried there.

Muhammad Ali is buried there.

In 1983, they made a sequel
to "Grizzly"

called "Grizzly II: Revenge."

And it had an amazing cast.

George Clooney. Laura Dern.
Charlie Sheen.

Louise Fletcher.
John Rhys-Davies.

Deborah Foreman was in it.

Now, Joan McCall, who played
Allison in this movie,

was one of the screenwriters
on "Grizzly II."

They filmed it in Hungary,

but on the first day
of production,

the producer,
Joseph Ford Proctor,

absconded with
all the budget money.

So the co-producer,
Suzanne Nagy,

managed to find
an angel investor

at the last minute
and get it shot.

But there was no money
for post-production,

and the movie
was never finished.

So there were all these
bootleg copies of "Grizzly II"

that circulated for years.

And then Suzanne Nagy finally
scrounged up the editing money

and she released a Blu-ray
in January of 2021

to universally negative reviews,
I'm sorry to say,

because by the time
they filmed "Grizzly II,"

Christopher George
was already deceased.

He died of a heart attack
at age 52,

but not before he starred
in "Day of the Animals"

and "The Exterminator"
and "Mortuary" and -- Oh!

And who could ever forget
"Pieces,"

which we had
on our original marathon.

And Harvey Flaxman, the guy
whose family camping trip

supposedly inspired "Grizzly,"

retired from screenwriting
after this.

He has six credits, including

"The Night They Robbed
Big Bertha's"

and "Preacherman."

But he retired
in order to become head

of the theater department

at Fairleigh Dickinson
University in New Jersey.

He lives today in Vermont.

Still does a little script
doctoring at the age of 88.

So, "Grizzly" was
the first "Jaws" rip-off,

but obviously
it was not the last.

A movie called "Claws"
was re-released in Canada

and in Mexico as "Grizzly II."

Ed Montoro himself made
two direct "Jaws" rip-offs.

He made "The Great White"
in 1980

and "The Last Shark" in 1981.

We also had "Orca,"
"Piranha," "Piranha II,"

"Tentacles," "Killer Fish,"
"Blood Beach,"

"Up from the Depths,"
"The Shark Hunter,"

"Cruel Jaws," "Devil Fish,"

and "Mako: The Jaws of Death,"
all of which were better,

by the way,
than "Jaws: The Revenge,"

better known as "Jaws 4,"

which was so bad it killed
the "Jaws" franchise in 1987.

So, Darcy, verdict?

-I like it.

-Well, I know you like it,
but...

-I like it quite a bit
because it's like

a boneheaded "Jaws" knock-off,
and it's so cheesy.

-And we do enjoy cheese
around here.

-And the grizzly
getting blown up at the end

is just pure movie magic.

-You liked that scene?

-It's awesome,
but I feel bad for the bear.

-Darcy, that was
a professional bear.

I think the bear
could handle that scene.

The bear got $850 a day.

-That won't even pay
for his food.

-Well, they were in
rural Georgia, you know,

and redneck extras are cheap
in rural Georgia.

-Gotcha.
-And I think we've said

just about everything we can say
about sharks, bears,

eco-horror for one day,
so let's move on.

I hope your letter
is not about animals.

-Actually, it's about zombies.

-Okay. Well, that'll work.

This is from...

-It's from Chuck Daniels.

-Yeah. Of...?

-It's in the letter.
-Mount Sterling, Kentucky.

-There you go.
-Alright.

"Hey, there. So, huge fan.

So, I wasn't able to watch
Friday's show till today.

I was playing a show.
But Joe Bob mentioned

not being able to figure out
how the three Fulci films

make up
the Gates of Hell trilogy."

Okay, I think he's referring
to the season premiere

when we showed
"Zombie" and "The Beyond."

-Yes.

-"It doesn't make
a lot of sense."

That's a definite.

"However,
I was a guest on a podcast,

and we all figured out
something, we think.

And we highly doubt
Fulci meant to do this.

But here's the idea.

Start with
'House by the Cemetery,'

then 'City of the Living Dead,'
then 'The Beyond,'

and it makes sense.

In 'House by the Cemetery,'
there's this annoying kid, Bob."

-Fuck Bob.
-Yeah, I know, right?

There was a whole meme.
"Fuck Bob."

"At the end,
he is taken with the old woman

and the little girl
into 'The Beyond.'"

Remember they walk off
down the road at the end?

"Move on to 'City,' and there's
this weird dude named Bob,

which can be seen as Bob
grown up and really strange.

Move on to 'The Beyond.'

And at the end,
everything is gone.

Everyone is dead.

And everyone
is in 'The Beyond.'

So there is also a theory that
you can put 'Zombie' at the end,

and it works, too,
but that's another story.

Anyway, sorry for
the long message. Thanks."

Yeah, I've heard people say
that it's not a Fulci trilogy.

It's a Fulci quadrilogy.

So "Zombie" is the --
is the odd one

that you would have to tack on
to the beginning or the end.

Because I agree. It would
have to end with "The Beyond."

And I also agree
that "House by the Cemetery"

has a kind of "open-ended, this
story is not over" last scene.

So the geography would go...

Massachusetts...

Upstate New York...

Actually, you know what --

You know what all four films
have in common?

New York City.

Because "House by the Cemetery"
starts in New York City

before they go to
New Whitby, Massachusetts.

That's the name of the town.

"Zombie" starts in New York City
before they go to Matul.

"City of the Living Dead"
starts in New York City.

Then they go find Dunwich.

Which -- I don't know
where Dunwich is,

but I'm going to assume
somewhere in New England,

probably Upstate New York.

And "The Beyond" is set
entirely in New Orleans.

But Liza comes there
from New York City.

So four of the most un-New York
movies ever filmed,

and they all revolve
around the Big Apple.

I guess we know who --

We know now
who pulls the levers

on the Gates of Hell, right?

What do you think?

-I think Fulci made four movies
in two years

and just used the same themes
over and over again.

-Or it could be that. Right?

And on that note,
I'm Joe Bob Briggs

speaking for myself
and for Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding you
that a clear conscience

is usually the sign
of a bad memory.

And the Drive-In will never die.

I have a Canadian joke.
Weren't you just in Canada?

-I was.

-Wrestling?
-Always.

-Okay. So maybe you'll get this.
Maybe you won't.

-Is that an insult?

-No. You have to spend time
in Canada to get this joke.

-Alright. Let me have it.

-So, when a riot breaks out
at a hockey game,

how do you get
a crowd of Canadians

to stop fighting and go home?
-I don't know. How?

-You have the public-address
announcer say,

"Would you all please
stop fighting and go home now?"

-I think it would work,
honestly. Okay.

-I don't know.
I love that joke.

No one -- No one here --
No one here loves that joke.

Have you guys been to Canada?
You know? Okay.

Superman and Batman are having
a few drinks at the bar,

and Superman is looking glum,
so Batman asks him, "What's up?"

And Superman says, "Yeah,
I really screwed up today."

And Batman says,
"What happened?"

And Superman says, "Well, I was
zooming in over Metropolis.

And then my supervision kicked
in, and I saw Wonder Woman.

She was buck-naked,
lying on her rooftop patio,

and her legs were spread open,

and her arms were raised
up to the sky

like she was inviting me in."

And Batman says,
"Holy moly! Lucky you!"

And Superman says, "So
I shot down to where she was,

I decelerated at the last minute
to the required length,

if you know what I mean."

And Batman says, "Wow! She must
have gotten a big surprise!"

And Superman says,
"Not half as big a surprise

as the fucking
Invisible Man got."

-Ohh!

That one. Good job.

-Darcy likes it!
-Yeah!

[Laughter]

♪♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick,
we are disgusting ♪

♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪♪

♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale ♪

♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party
like jungle animals ♪

♪♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke ♪

♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke ♪

♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪