Original subtitles

-You know, the great thing about a Sky Bar

is it's not just one candy bar.

It's four candy bars in one.

And they tell you on the front, you know, what they are.

Caramel. One is caramel, one's vanilla, one's peanut,

and one's fudge, and they're all connected.

But the weird thing is, when you open it up,

they've tricked you -- it's in reverse order.

It's fudge, peanuts, vanilla, caramel.

If you hold it like this and you open it like this,

then you think you're eating caramel,

but you're actually eating fudge and you think you're eating..

peanut, but it turns out to be vanilla.

And, so, it's a -- And, so, it's also got a surprise in it,

makes it even a better -- a better type of candy.

But either that or something's wrong with the machine

that, you know, puts them out.

Well, anyway, the Goddamn foreigners...

-Wow! -...are trampling the tulips

in Bollenstreek. [Laughter]

-Okay. -Did you hear what I said?

-I heard something. -The Goddamn tourists

are trampling the tulips in Bollenstreek.

Bollenstreek is where they grow the flowers in Holland.

And what I'm talking about is that Amsterdam

has decided to stop advertising itself

as a tourist destination and tell everybody, "Go elsewhere."

Because according to a local architect

that they interviewed on CNN,

the tourists are, quote, "destroying our soul."

And I'm not sure exactly, how do you destroy the soul of a city?

I sometimes hear people in New York

say that tourists are destroying the city,

but what they usually mean is that billionaires

from Brazil and Singapore and China

are buying up all the real estate.

That's not what they mean in Holland.

In Holland, you know, that city used to be the live

and let live capital of hippie tolerance.

And now they've turned all surly

and started banning Airbnb short-term rentals.

You know, they've cracked down on who can open souvenir shops.

They're banning organized tours

of the famous red light district,

and they're discouraging those cheap weekend flights

from Luton Airport. You know, Luton Airport,

the cheap-y airport for London?

Because who the hell cares about that $91.5 billion a year

that comes into Amsterdam from visitors?

91.5 bil!

That's the gross national product

of Slovakia, and Slovakia --

I mean, Slovakia is not that big a country,

but the official tourist agency

has started using terms like "overtourism,"

"visitor overload,"

"nuisance visitors."

And, you know, they have this complaint

and it's voiced everywhere from Monte Carlo to Belize

to the Isle of Capri.

"We don't want to turn into another Venice."

You know? Too late.

You're sinking into the ocean, and so is Venice.

So better cash out while you can.

Have you heard about this, Darcy?

You know what I'm talking about?

-I don't believe I have. -Well, I'm

going to freely rant about it because our movie tonight

is "Amsterdamned,"

which takes place entirely within the environs

of the Netherlands' capital city.

And Darcy the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen,

to here to field your tweets,

your e-mails, your DMs, your walkie-talkie squawks,

your Instas, your TikToks...

Do we still do TikToks ever since the United States Congress

said it's a trick by China to spy on us

and create an international monopoly

on shuffle dancing. -We still do TikTok.

-We do TikTok. -We do.

-Okay. Darcy is fearless.

Anyway, many years ago, I was a nuisance visitor to Amsterdam.

I was a student in Copenhagen,

and I would join forces with my fellow con man roommate.

We'll just call him Steve. [Laughter]

To convince luxury car rental agencies

that they needed us to drive all the vehicles

that were dropped off in Copenhagen,

but they needed to be moved to their next customer

several countries away.

So we would just pack briefcases,

have no idea where we would be spending the week,

and we would head down to the office

of this bilious bureaucrat named Frederick,

and he would haggle with us over how long it should take

to transport a vehicle to, say, Barcelona.

You know? We would say, "Oh, that's a nine-day trip."

And he would say, "No, that's a four-day trip."

And, so, we would compromise on six.

And then, he would hand us the keys and a delivery deadline.

And all we had to do was pay for the gas

and get the car to its proper destination on time

while promising to drive safely.

Because we immediately cranked it up

to 150 kilometers an hour on roads that were marked for 80

because we had to make it to the car ferry at Halsskov

by noon and then get to the German Autobahn

by late afternoon because we were on our way to Amsterdam.

Two full days in Amsterdam, two full days in Paris,

an all-nighter to Saint-Tropez or Barcelona or Lisbon.

We always took the car delivery place

that was as far away as possible,

which is why it took two of us --

because we're driving these high speed shifts --

in order to drop off the car just in time

to get the slow train back to Denmark

and fake our way through the Viking archeology exam

on Monday morning or whatever we were doing.

So the reason I say we were nuisance visitors

is that, in the heyday of the all-powerful American dollar,

we never spent more than $5 a day in Amsterdam.

And I can say this with certainty

'cause we always carried the bible

of the American college student in Europe,

Arthur Frommer's classic book, "Europe on 5 Dollars a Day."

So we were certainly undesirable tourists

from an economic point of view

and probably from a social point of view, as well.

Because even though weed was illegal,

they had a cultural thing called [speaks Dutch],

which translates as "look the other way."

So that meant that hashish was openly

consumed in various coffeehouse-type establishments

where the girls were excessively friendly

towards vagabond Americans.

That wasn't true of every country in Europe.

So we went to the red light district

a couple of times out of curiosity.

It was a little too hardcore for 19-year-olds,

you know, who didn't have any older woman issues.

But anyway, we liked Amsterdam

because it was welcoming towards Americans

with no money at a time when Americans were becoming

unpopular in some other parts of Europe.

But, anyway, let's widen our perspective a little bit.

KLM Royal Dutch Airlines,

the flag carrier for the Netherlands,

had been begging people to come to Amsterdam.

They started begging people on the day

the Russians took over the Reichstag in 1945

and ended World War II.

KLM was so aggressive about Dutch tourism,

they were frequently hauled before

the International Air Transport Association

for violations of kickback rules.

They were paying off all the travel agents.

There were fare cutting rules, government subsidies,

unfair trade practices that made it possible

for people like me to fly New York-Amsterdam

for 100 bucks and then pop over to my final destination

with a virtually free KLM flight within the borders of Europe.

So every time Americans would squawk

about KLM special privileges,

the Dutch officials would be very coy

and they would act like, well,

they're just being equal to the American airlines

because, of course, they should be allowed

to fly their planes direct to New York,

Los Angeles, Chicago, Washington, and San Francisco,

because Pan American World Airways,

the United States' flag carrier,

was allowed to fly not just to Amsterdam,

but also to Rotterdam, Utrecht, Eindhoven, and Tilburg.

So, five cities for you, five cities for us.

So you had the right to fly an unlimited number of nonstop

New York-to-Tilburg flights even during the July Funfair.

So KLM was essentially this elaborate government hoax

subsidized to the gills,

designed for one purpose -- to promote Amsterdam tourism.

And the Netherlands was essentially

playing that Las Vegas game.

You know, we're not telling you to come here to be naughty,

but we won't tell anybody if you are.

And I was never that much of a druggie,

but I had plenty of friends who were.

And they were talking about blends and strains

and all the minutia of both marijuana and hashish long

before it became blogging material --

blogging material for LA hipsters.

Now, where did they get that deep-dive level

of cannabis info? Amsterdam.

Where did they go for commercial sex with Baltic blonds?

Guess.

So, meanwhile, there was this constant barrage

of Dutch publicity about the canals,

the flowers, the slow food, the bicycle culture.

One of the current complaints is too many bicycles.

Really? In Amsterdam?

What they're saying is the bicycles are for us,

not for the tourists. They're basically complaining

that the visitors are causing bicycle jams.

So the paradise on Earth narrative,

I mean, it was never that accurate to begin with.

Amsterdam has all the ills of any big city.

But by keeping tourism confined to

a certain picture postcard area,

they were able to carry off their story.

And by the way, when people describe the Dutch character,

they make it sound like all of them

are starring in a happy Disney cartoon.

I mean, they fail to mention that the Dutch ship captains,

as opposed to the English and the French

and the other and the Spanish,

the Dutch ship captains were responsible

for some of the worst atrocities

against native populations anywhere in the world.

These were the guys who wiped out the Pequots, you know?

So they were violent and nasty.

And at any rate, since Amsterdam is now so prosperous

that they no longer need that $91.5 billion,

I would recommend that tourists seeking thrills

in a cosmopolitan urban center consider just come over here,

join me in New York. I wasn't born in New York,

but I've been there long enough to be a tour guide.

I'll be happy to direct you to the illegal-but-safe vices,

and nobody will lecture you about where you choose

to take selfies or ride a bicycle or use a scooter,

or commandeer a Segway or rent a car.

New Yorkers know all about the Dutch

because they ran the city for about 40 years,

and they were these insufferable, arrogant,

self-righteous, greedy tyrants.

It took about 15 minutes for the English

to kick 'em out in 1664,

and since then, everybody has been able to sing,

dance, and smoke all they want. Prostitution is still illegal.

You know, you got that in Amsterdam.

You don't have it here.

But that's because most of the girls

and the boys are already friendly here.

So after all, we have an aptly named "Sex and the City" tour.

But more important,

when the Dutch guy gets off the 4 train at the wrong stop

or he has trouble finding his way out of Kennedy Airport,

or he starts to pay too much for a rip-off boat

that goes to the Statue of Liberty,

we tend to take pity on him.

We tend to show him the New York shortcut.

We don't think there's a limit on hospitality

and we don't think visitors are soul destroyers.

We can deal with their needs

and take their money and feel okay with it,

even when they clog up the sidewalks on 42nd Street.

So we consider them an asset.

They can stay as long as they want.

99% of us were once tourists ourselves in New York,

tourists who just decided to stay.

So, frightening, isn't it? You know.

Darcy, you live in a major international tourist area.

You live right there by Hollywood Boulevard.

Do you resent the tourists that come there?

-Wow, not at all.

But, dang, that was a long rant on that.

-That was a long rant. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-You feel strong. -Of course,

you can't really destroy Hollywood Boulevard.

-What does that mean?

-Well, I mean, we all watched "Angel."

We know -- What's the politically correct term?

It's a transitioning area.

It's been transitioning for about 50 years now.

-True. But I still kind of consider myself a tourist,

even though I've lived in LA for, like, ever now.

So, like, anything touristy and popular

is going to make me happy.

-And, also, nobody says, "This is a great city

before it was overrun by these outsiders."

Because, in LA, everybody's an outsider, right?

-True.

-The only non-outsiders are descendants

of the Spanish land barons who were there in the 18th century.

They were actually from Mexico.

So, yeah, I can see how they -- you know, they might be pissed

by the overlanders overwhelming them or something.

Or I guess the descendants of the Catholic monks

who founded the missions wouldn't like it.

-Monks don't have descendants. -Well...

they shouldn't, but they do.

We just don't talk about them.

That's why my grandma was opposed

to genealogical research, you know.

"You go back far enough, you're going to find

a horse thief or a Catholic priest,

so just stay away from that stuff.

You never know who's been fornicating in the woodshed."

-Does your grandma really say that?

-Yes, she did say it.

She said that in church one time, so...

-Oh, I like her.

-Still smoking unfiltered Lucky Strikes in her late 80s.

-Oh, go, grandma.

-Anyway, we don't have that problem in Texas.

Most people who go to the Alamo don't really remember

why there is an Alamo, and most tourists never go

anywhere close to the San Jacinto battlefield,

where we have a ridiculously tall monument

to the 18-minute battle that created the Republic of Texas.

Nobody in Texas ever said,

"I wish these hordes would stop coming here

to admire our stunning natural beauty and uplifting history

'cause we have no stunning natural beauty

or uplifting history.

I'm told there are Dallas tourists, for example.

But the only thing you can say about the founding of Dallas is,

well, you had Native Americans to the north and the west.

You had Mexicans to the south.

So it seemed a safe wasteland to build on

because it was ugly and landlocked

and nobody would want to live there

except shotgun-toting White people.

So, I mean, you can't put that in a song.

Nobody's going to sing that song.

Speaking of which, Darcy,

what does the title of this movie mean?

-It's a cool pun?

-That's the only thing I can't figure out.

I guess they're saying that the city is damned.

-Okay.

-Because there's a serial killer loose.

But that seems like a strange way to express it.

Anyway, "Amsterdamned," coming your way right now,

is an effort by Dutch producer, director, writer, composer

Dick Maas to become the --

He wanted to be the Michael Bay of Holland.

Now, the population of the Netherlands in 1988,

when this movie came out, was about 15 million people.

So... that's the metro area of LA.

Holland's population is about

5% of the United States' population.

So trying to be the Michael Bay of Holland

is like trying to be the undefeated quarterback

on a flag football team in rural Utah.

However, we admire the idea.

We disagree with what he's called in the genre press.

They call him the John Carpenter of Holland.

And the reason they call him the John Carpenter of Holland

is that his first film was horror, "The Lift."

Do you remember that one? About the killer elevators.

-Mm-hmm.

-Added to the fact that he composes his own music

for all his movies, and not many directors do that.

But he really tended toward giant action set pieces.

He's an action-oriented horror director,

and of the four hats that he wears -- producer,

director, writer, composer -- the weakest one is writer.

You know, I have to say.

He basically grabs ideas from other movies

and tries to do them better, which is not --

That's not always a bad formula,

but Dick Maas takes it one step further,

and he tries to mash together

every genre in existence in one movie.

So this is an action rom-com mystery thriller

police procedural underwater horror flick.

And there's never a dull moment.

It's the sensitive story of a tough

Amsterdam cop trying to solve a string of killings

apparently carried out by someone

or something lurking in the famous canals of the city.

And it has one action sequence in particular

that would be worthy of a James Bond flick.

And it's a strangely beautiful film.

It shows off all the neighborhoods

that do make Amsterdam a tourist Mecca

while diving pretty deeply into the special effects

gore makeup arsenal.

It was a huge hit in Holland.

It remains today one of the all-time

highest grossing Dutch flicks.

So let's take a look at those drive-in totals and get started.

We have...

Drive-in Academy Award nominations for Huub Stapel

as Eric, the Dirty Harry type

who enjoys disrupting bakery knife attacks in progress

and stalks random women with the police computer.

Monique van de Ven as Laura, the gratuitous love interest

who fills out a wet suit, if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

And Hidde Maas as the scuba-literate psychiatrist.

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

So you're the weed expert, Darcy.

-[Giggles]

What? [Laughs]

-What? Yeah.

What is the difference between hash and marijuana?

-Marijuana is legal?

-I know, right? I mean, I just remember

they had more hash than marijuana in Amsterdam,

and everybody would say, "Hey, don't worry, it's legal here."

And I found out later it wasn't legal there!

They just said it was legal. This is when I was in college.

But it was cheap and it was plentiful.

And if you were driving to Spain,

which we often were, you --

you better ditch all of it before you get to the border,

because they would put you in prison

for a long time in Spain for that.

-Were you a hippie? -I had...

I had the hair.

I never had the lifestyle.

-You had the hippie hair. -I had hippie hair.

-Oh, I'm finding it and it's going on social.

-No, it's not. -Oh, I'm finding it.

-No, you won't find it. -Oh, it's too late.

I'm finding the hippie hair.

-Darcy, don't cause trouble. My only point was that I think

the Dutch encouraged you to think hash was legal

because they got a lot of tourism from it.

And today they have a weed museum in Amsterdam.

You would love this. You can --

You can go in there and sample weed from around the world.

-Is that true? -I do my research.

You know what country was the first country

to legalize weed in all forms in the world, no exceptions?

-I'm assuming it's not Holland.

-Uruguay.

-Oh. Weird.

-Right? It had no effect on Uruguayan tourism.

-No, weed in Uruguay. -Nope.

Montevideo remains free of nuisance visitors, so...

-Let's go. -You always say that.

-And I mean it.

-You want to go to every place on Earth,

but you probably don't want to go to Montevideo.

-Let's go to every place that has legal weed.

-All right. Well, that's Montevideo.

21 American states have legal weed.

-Let's go. -The 21 American states?

-Why not.

-Weed tourism? -Yes, we're doing it.

-Okay. Well, I guess my point is,

I did that when there was only one place,

and you weren't born yet.

But I'm more into whiskey tourism now.

-Like Kentucky?

-No. Like the liquor store at the end of the block.

-Eh.

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Breathing through scuba regulator]

[Bubbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Horn honks]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Splash]

♪♪

[Conversation in Chinese]

[Music plays on radio]

[Conversation continues]

[Bubbling]

♪♪

[Breathing through scuba regulator]

♪♪

[Indistinct arguing]

♪♪

[Man shouts]

[Conversation continues indistinctly]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Shouting indistinctly]

-Come on, be nice.

I'm shipping out for the States in the morning.

-No more money, no more pussy.

And don't ask me to go Dutch.

♪♪

[Vehicle approaching]

-Done for the night?

-Just drive.

-I bet you can't wait to get to your own bed.

[Chuckles]

I love blonds.

Of course, I'm not particular.

[Chuckles]

Guess there's lots of money if you're a woman.

But I just like to be sure.

-What's the big idea? -Let me see your money.

-You'll get paid, I promise you.

-Yeah, I know.

Only I'd rather get paid in trade,

if you know what I mean.

-Like you said, it's bedtime. I'm through having sex.

-Hey, I'm the bad guy. Come on.

-Drive me to my address.

-Get down there and work on it.

I'm making it nice and easy on you.

I don't want your fucking slit. Just your mou--

Ow!

-[Grunts]

-Stinkin' whore!

♪♪

[Breathing through scuba regulator]

[Water trickling]

♪♪

-You all right, miss?

-Yeah. It's okay.

♪♪

[Breathing through scuba regulator]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

-[Gasps]

♪♪

[Breathing through scuba regulator]

[Splashing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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♪♪

♪♪

-Welcome to Amsterdam. Willkommen in Amsterdam.

Bienvenue à Amsterdam.

Benvenuto ad Amsterdam.

Amsterdam is the capital of Holland and world famous

for its many canals.

There are more than 165 canals,

and they have a total length of more than 25 miles.

They traverse the whole city and were dug in the 17th century

for the transport of goods from the harbor

to the merchants' warehouses.

Amsterdam has 750,000 inhabitants

living in some 200,000 houses,

and all those houses are built on piles.

Amsterdam is built on roughly 100,000 piles,

so kindly don't stamp your feet hard

or the town will sink.

[Children shouting]

[Noisemaker blares]

-[Gasps]

[Children screaming]

-[Screams]

[Screaming continues]

-[Sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

Careful. It's loaded.

-Daddy, you have to die.

-That's no toy. So put it down.

-Bang!

-No smoke, no fire.

-An hour in the bath,

not to mention how late you got home.

-I'd say that's a poor reason to shoot your father.

-You had better get moving. It's a quarter to 9:00.

I'm going to be late for school.

-And it's all my fault. -You have to drive me, remember?

They stole my bike yesterday.

-Oh, yeah, that's right.

-And the police do nothing.

[Radio turns on] This year alone,

do you have any idea of just how many the crooks stole?

-No idea. Two?

[Phone rings] Three?

-Hello. The Visser residence. He's in the john.

I expect that he's masturbating.

Yeah. Eric, telephone for you.

It's headquarters.

♪♪

-Yeah?

[Radio turns off] Yeah.

Yeah, it's probably your upbringing.

Anyhow, what's on your mind?

On a bridge?

Yeah, sure. I'm on my way.

-My bike, did they find it? -No, not yet.

-Naturally, not.

[Radio turns on] -Ready?

-Hours ago. -Got all your books?

-Yeah. Just hurry up, will you?

-Did you feed the cat?

Good morning, Amsterdam.

-Thanks, handsome. -You're a fresh kid.

♪♪

-[Man speaking Dutch on radio]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bells tolling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Tires squeal]

Shit.

♪♪

-[Grunts]

Ow!

-I phoned. They arrive any minute.

-And the cake!

You used excessive force and you ruined my cake!

I used the best ingredients only.

[Siren wails]

[Door chimes jingle]

-Your keys, sir.

[Horn honking]

-It's about time you showed up, asshole.

[Engine starts]

[Crowd murmuring]

-Eric. I thought we should begin.

-I had to stop at the baker's.

Is that her? -Yeah.

The body is a bloody mess, though.

Only a maniac could have done it.

-Identity? -A hooker.

Potter is checking on her.

I've already seen to the photographers.

-Was she raped? -No, it didn't look like it.

The murder took place there. Blood all over.

She was stabbed. -And hung from here?

-Yeah. Upside down by her feet. A bowline knot.

-Hmm. A seaman?

-That's possible. We'll check it out.

-Good. Anyone see it?

-Not that we know of, but I guess she was killed,

let's say between 2:00 and 6:00 in the morning.

They're dragging the canal for evidence.

-What a fabulous sense of humor our maniacal killer had.

Like an advertisement. -Eric.

We got a witness. -What did she see?

-Would you tell the gentleman your story

just as we heard it? Go on.

-It was a monster. -A monster?

-A big monster. A huge, fat monster.

I'd be glad to go to hell if it were any different.

It came out of the water. -Out of the water?

Did it have a boat? -Out of the water.

People pay. Whoring's a sin.

-What do you think?

-Hard to say. She's hardly what you'd call a reliable witness.

-Yeah, but she's the only one we've got at the moment.

What do you think she's talking about?

A big black monster with huge claws.

-I don't know, but I hope your mother-in-law has an alibi.

-Ah. -Let's wait for the autopsy.

That's all we can do for now. -Hmm.

Maybe the investigation will turn up something.

I put eight men on it. -Let's hope.

As for now, it doesn't look like a promotion in the making.

♪♪

[Siren wailing distantly]

Why are you two sitting in the dark?

-Shh. Willy's trying to contact his dead aunt.

-Oh, he's at it again, is he?

I thought he was here to help you with the housework.

-Stop fooling, Dad.

-You're talking. -Did you make contact?

-My aunt was killed on a river.

A torrent of words is like a torrent of water.

I'm not lying, I tell you. It pollutes the stratosphere.

And that's where they live.

-I think that you're just a big fake, Willy.

-Can I turn the lights on now?

-Be careful. The spirits hate electricity, too.

-You're just jealous of my gift.

-Ha! Some gift.

-Not staying for dinner? -No. My mom made macaroni.

Night, Mr. Visser. -Night, Willy.

Say hello to your aunt. -I will.

See you tomorrow, Anneke. -Not if I see you first.

-Things at school?

-All right. Did you buy any peanut butter?

-Nope. -Why is it you always forget?

-Why don't you do the shopping from now on?

-There's no jam either. -Sweetie,

there are more things in life than jam and peanut butter.

-Yeah, apple strudel. And you didn't buy that either.

-Here, set the table for us, huh?

-What's for dinner? -Brains and broccoli sauce.

-I hate French cooking.

-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

Three meters even. -Hour -- 3:00.

Three meters even.

[Ship horn blares]

-I have a feeling we're wasting our time.

Are you sure this is the right spot?

-We are sitting precisely over the pipe.

-We aren't having much luck. It's all clean, the water.

Do you suppose they knew we were coming?

Not even a turd or a robber? -Shh.

Not so loud. They'll hear us.

-I bet they shut down the plant.

Solvents. -I bet, before the night's out,

we'll find all the evidence we need.

One little leak and we got them nailed.

-Yeah, that's just what I'm going to take myself.

-What did I tell you? Hurry up.

Killing all the fish. We got him.

-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

-Pull. Haul it up.

-It's stuck. -I'll give a hand.

[Both grunting]

What could it be?

-Come on.

♪♪

-Jesus. Look at that.

-Let's get the fuck out of here.

♪♪

-There's something weird going on.

Pull the anchor in.

♪♪

[Splash]

-I hope you filled the tank like I told you.

♪♪

Hendrik?

♪♪

[Bubbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

Aah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps, spits, coughs]

♪♪

[Panting]

Hey! Hey.

♪♪

Hey!

♪♪

-Why are you stopping? -I saw a man.

-Where? -Right down there by the water.

-I didn't see him. -Well, I did.

♪♪

-[Sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, the good Samaritan.

-He beat it. -That weird stuff

that we haul is beginning to make you act funny.

Next, you'll be seeing angels flying.

-I guess you were right, Lou.

-Our intrepid detective is fascinated by the fact

that the dead prostitute was tied up with a bowline knot,

indicating that it must be someone

with nautical experience.

Not true. [Chuckles]

You had to learn to tie a one-handed bowline

in Boy Scout Troop 145, Little Rock, Arkansas,

or else you couldn't ever get the coveted

Pioneering Merit Badge,

which also included building rafts with ropes and logs.

This is a knot you need

when you're hanging off the side of a cliff like Bugs Bunny

and somebody's going to hoist you up from above.

You have to hang on to the cliff with one hand,

like your hand is over here,

and tie the knot one-handed with the other hand.

So, like this.

And push this thing down in the middle of it.

And there you go, the bowline knot.

So, it's -- I don't know. Too late for me, though.

The next time I'm trapped on the side of a cliff,

I'm a dead man. Because I did that too slow.

Anyway, a bunch of the knots in Boy Scouts

are indeed sailor's knots, but not necessarily.

So, this is kind of "Dirty Harry" meets "Jaws"

with Amsterdam tourism cinematography.

And all those helicopter shots had to be stolen.

They had to fly much lower than the law allows

in order to nail what Dick Maas wanted.

And even though the first kill is a hooker,

they were not allowed to film

in the famous De Wallen red light district.

They don't allow cameras in there

because they think it might hurt business.

So, anyway, at the time, this movie

was the most expensive film ever made in Holland.

And don't be too impressed, though,

because the budget was still just $2.2 million,

most of which was put up by Cannon Films and Vestron.

Now, why would two American companies

be financing a Dutch filmmaker shooting in Holland?

Because Dick Maas had burst

onto the international art house scene

with a 1983 movie called "The Lift"

about a demonic elevator.

He followed that up with a couple of Dutch comedies

that did not make it across the ocean.

But one of those, called "Flodder,"

broke every box office record

in the history of the Netherlands,

was seen by 25% of the Dutch population,

and spawned two sequels and a TV series.

Huub Stapel, the actor playing the detective, had also starred

in "The Lift" and "Flodder."

"Flodder" was not --

"Flodder" was sort of the Dutch "Beverly Hillbillies."

You know, it's the story of this crude family

that gets relocated by government decree

to an upper-class neighborhood and hilarious hijinks ensue.

Stapel didn't do the TV series, though.

Anyway, Dick Maas was hot, and he wanted to make movies

for the international market.

He did not want to make art films,

which is what most European directors

do once they get noticed.

And so he raised money from Cannon Films and Vestron

to make this flick that he guaranteed

would be all action all the time.

So we'll let you be the judge of just how successful he was.

This was back in the times when you could do

low-budget action movies and people would watch them,

even in the era of $50 million Hollywood movies

like "Die Hard."

Okay. Back to the movie, and I'll continue to inform you

if they steal anything else

from the International Boy Scout members.

So roll it.

Dick Maas actually got his start doing videos for Golden Earring.

Does anybody remember Golden Earring?

If you remember 'em, it's for one song, "Radar Love."

You know that song?

But they were headliners in the golden age of rock.

I didn't even know they were Dutch, to tell you the truth.

Because all those European bands had perfect English.

People always make fun of bands that only have one hit.

But, damn, "Radar Love."

I think you can retire -- You can do "Radar Love"

and just retire on that, you know?

"What did you do to advance civilization?"

"Well, we wrote and performed fucking 'Radar Love.'

So that's enough. That gets you into rock heaven."

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Crowd murmuring]

-A worker on the morning shift found the boat.

-Nobody at the factory saw anything?

-They had to shut down last night for maintenance work.

The two night watchman claimed they saw nothing.

-Hi, Eric.

[Camera shutter clicks] -What were they doing?

-Apparently, they were collecting water samples.

-They were the ones who ended up getting sampled.

-The killer? Think it's the same?

-Serial murderer? -Huh.

-Want to see the autopsy first.

But it's very unlikely that there'd be more

than one of this kind of killer.

-I want you, buddy. Give me that camera.

You don't want to listen? That's your ass.

-Take it easy. You don't have to get rough.

-Just give me that camera, wise guy.

-Hey, come on. Don't break it.

-You try it again, and I'll ram that lens down your throat.

-Look who it is. Holland's Sean Penn.

-I don't like to be photographed.

Hello, Eric. -John.

It's a long time. -13 years, Eric.

-Oh, Eric, this is John van Meegeren

of the River Police. -I've met him.

Come to assist us? You got a big rep.

-They thought you might need help.

We're good at getting stiffs out of the water.

-Come here. Look at this.

-The years haven't changed you.

-You're right.

-You're still prettier than I am.

-Are you still angry with me?

-It hurts when someone runs off with your girl.

-I found it out, too.

-The grapevine said that she dumped on you.

-Yeah, John, you heard right. An English artist.

They were living in London last I heard.

Left me with my daughter. She visits her at Christmas.

-It's water under both our bridges,

but don't do that again. -No intention.

Your guys found anything yet?

-Not yet. We are combing the bottom.

The channel down there is so murky,

it makes searching difficult.

-John! John!

-They've got something.

-What is it?

-Depth meter. Standard equipment for a diver.

-Are we dealing with a diver?

-We can't tell that at this stage.

I want this analyzed. Bring it to the lab.

I want to know how long it's been down there

and where it comes from. -Okay.

-A psycho killer in Amsterdam's famed canals.

-That's not gonna enhance our good reputation.

-We're looking forward to quite a summer.

-A diver, as a theory, isn't that a bit extravagant?

-Unless it's a monster from Loch Ness,

it seems to me that it's the safest bet at the moment.

-But you don't have a single witness.

No one's seen or heard a thing.

-That's right. The canals are an ideal place in which to hide.

You can go all around the city incognito.

-[Scoffs] What do you think, John?

-Those two were taken in total surprise last night,

and surprised, no one could survive that.

It was a diver.

-Some fruitcake with a bizarre hobby.

How about you, man? You good enough?

-For the moment. -Keep me posted.

And if you need anything, let me know.

I trust that you two rivals will get along.

-Here's a list of all the registered divers

in the Netherlands. -Great.

-That's 8,000 suspects.

-And that includes you, my son. -I have an alibi.

-I have here the taxi driver's statement.

-And what's his story?

-He picked her up around 2:30, quarter of 3:00.

He said she made sexual advances to him,

and he said no and threw her out of the car.

That's the last he saw her. -He probably put a move on her.

-For the rest of the night, a watertight alibi.

-I'll bet he has.

[Phone ringing]

Hello? Yeah.

Come on, tell me.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll get back to you.

Tiny piece of black rubber

was found in one of the anchor prongs.

The lab analyzed it. -From a wet suit?

-Yeah, we're on the right track. Has Potter traced that line?

-What line?

-The rope he used to hang her over the canal.

-All the factories are being checked

and all the stores and other outlets are being traced.

-How good it does make me feel

to see everybody's earning their keep.

It's noon. -Lunch?

-Lots of red meat.

-16 stab wounds, of which at least eight were fatal.

It was such a mess internally that some organs

were almost completely displaced.

Broken neck, two broken ribs, splintered nose bone,

water in the lungs. Her eyes were already fish food.

I've never seen anything like it.

-The murder weapon? -Sharp knife.

Look, here's the point.

In the force of the attack, it was broken.

Probably a carving knife with a blade between

20 and 30 centimeters.

-Stomach contents? -Matter of grisly factor

was wine and an undigested hamburger.

Top quality beef.

-Was she dead before he tossed her in, Sam?

-She should have been.

The fact is, the lungs contained a lot of water.

She was alive when she entered the water.

Fortunately for her, she was dead

when she was hung from the bridge.

So much for the little lady.

And now to our fisherman friends.

He really did a job on these guys.

I shall spare you the finer details, gentlemen.

One of them was decapitated.

Evidently, that took place underwater.

Both had partaken of a vegetarian repast.

Lentils, carrots, the usual slop.

They even had a little tofu for dessert.

He used a similar instrument, but the knife was another type.

One important difference is it had a serrated edge.

It's not unusual, in my experience.

The kind carried by -- -By a diver.

-Exactly. -Explain.

-Carry it in case of emergency so he can cut himself loose

should he get into trouble on the water.

-Right. Only, in this case, three innocents ended up dead.

-Now that we know what to look for, how do we nab this guy?

-You tell me. You got the rep.

-All that we know about the guy is he's strong,

wears a black wet suit,

and that he is missing his depth meter.

Not much evidence to go on, Eric.

-You can say that again. -8,000 registered divers.

There's got to be at least another 10,000

in the sporting clubs.

-In my opinion, we concentrate on Amsterdam.

Our murderer certainly knows the canals in the city.

-More coffee here? -Hmm, yeah.

-That murdered quizmaster, pretty neat.

You didn't have much to go on.

-It piqued your interest? -And all the headlines.

-We had nothing.

Needless to say, a check was run on all the candidates

who had never won a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.

It took us nine weeks to catch the guy.

-Yeah, but in the end, how did you collar him?

-A bit of patience. Intuition. And luck.

Lots of luck.

-You've always been a lucky guy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Can I help you? -Just looking around.

-You're not interested in joining?

-I'm an investigator. -Still another cop.

I've been barked by you since early morning.

-All in the course of duty, sir.

What are your duties here? -I'm the manager here.

Just what are you looking for? Why are you picking on us?

-You're the largest diving club in Amsterdam.

-In the Netherlands. And the best.

-I'd like to take a little look around.

-Huh. -Is it okay I do that?

-Guess you're invited.

The diving gear is stored in here.

Our members can make free use of it.

-How many members are there? -More than 1,400.

-Are they trustworthy? -Trustworthy?

-Do they return everything that you lend out?

-There hasn't been any problem with it.

You don't think it was one of our club members

that murdered them? -Are they pillars of society?

-Our clients rank high in the community.

No reason they should want to swim in the canals.

They're filthy. It makes no sense.

You can't hardly see past your nose in that gunk.

No. We organize excursions to the sea and trips abroad.

Sunken wrecks and diving on coral reefs,

that's our kind of sport.

Why would anyone want to go diving in them filthy canals?

-Lots of weapons here.

-License for it.

They're an absolute must for every diver.

Be careful. It's very sharp.

-I'm aware.

And this?

What do you use this for?

-That's for sports fishing.

-Shark.

If they get too near, it's self protection.

Now, if you'll excuse it.

-I love to see people earning their keep.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Ah.

-You're all wet.

-Hello.

-Can I help?

-Yeah.

It's fine in the water, but it weighs a ton on dry land.

Are you a devotee?

-No, not yet. -Oh.

-Been at it long? -A couple of weeks.

I need a lot more practice before I get good at it.

-What made you start?

-An enthusiastic friend. Like to try it?

-I might. -Hi, Laura.

-Hi. -I found your first suspect.

He's with the police, so watch what you say.

-Someone not paid their parking fine?

-I wish it were the problem.

-Really? -We're investigating a murder.

-Oh. Serious work.

-Could you consider a drink?

-Sure. I'd like a drink, but I'll be a little while.

-I'll wait for you. -Okay. See you in the canteen.

[Jazz playing]

-I thought cops never drank when they were on duty.

-I've never been very dutiful.

-Have you made any progress?

-I've made a few advances.

-Hi, Martin. -Martin.

Good to see you. How are things?

-Going along.

-Lieutenant Visser of the Amsterdam Police.

-Martin Ruysdael. -My pleasure.

-They're looking into the canal murders.

-Yes, I've been seeing it on TV.

It's so difficult to fathom why things like that still happen.

-What'll you have? -A bourbon.

Have you any idea who the maniac is?

-No, but we're patient. I suppose that you're a member.

-Not anymore. Not for years.

Used to be on the committee.

But then, I got too busy in my practice.

-You'd be a... -Doctor. Psychiatrist.

-Here you are, Martin. -Thanks.

Time is a problem.

I don't think I've worn a wet suit in the last three years.

Have you ever done it? -No, never.

-I recommend it. It invigorates the mind.

Fishing the southern waters,

the coral reefs and all the flora.

Opportunity arises. Boy, just do it.

-It sounds great.

-Martin, you're early.

-Hi. -Oh. Have you two met?

-The friend who introduced you to diving?

-Mm-hmm. -Talking about me?

-Policemen are so inquisitive. But mum was the word.

-[Chuckles] -Possibly another time, huh?

-You're going to leave? I have tickets to a concert.

-Another time, then?

-We'll see. -Shall we go?

-Yeah.

[Jazz continues]

[Door closes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Singing in Spanish]

♪♪

Baa! Baa!

Then luckily.

-Won't you contribute to help us

carry out the Lord's works here?

-Right up my skirt.

Over there.

♪♪

You're married? -No.

-There you are.

♪♪

-Yeah.

-[Singing continues]

♪♪

-Thank you.

-Steady. What's the rush?

-Pardon. Sorry.

-His eye is on the sparrow, right?

-Well said. Hallelujah.

-Wow, she has a figure that'd stop traffic.

-Shit.

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

-Joe, we're rich. -Ha!

♪♪

-Okay, so even though we're kind of by-the-numbers here

with a very long setup and victim after victim

being killed in ways that are not that interesting,

although I have to credit Maas for that opening body

when the hooker hangs off the bridge

and drips blood on the Cub Scouts and the tour boat,

even though we're not seeing much originality,

Huub Stapel as Eric is just so likable

that we're kind of going with it, you know?

The movie is actually based on a real-life event.

On September the 2nd, 1985,

a drug lord named Klaas Bruinsma used the Amsterdam canals

to get two of his underlings out of a prison.

His men hid two ladders in the water outside the prison,

and then a frog man came up out of the canal

and he used one of the ladders to climb the outer wall,

and he dropped the second ladder down into the prison yard

Bruinsma -- Bruinsma's men could use it.

And then the three of them cleared the wall,

jumped into a waiting BMW, drove to the Amstel River

and took off in a speedboat that was later found abandoned.

So this is what inspired Dick Maas to make a movie

about a frogman killer roaming the canals.

And Maas is a big admirer of American movies,

which may explain why he's never able to get any funding

from the Dutch government.

It's really hard to make a movie in Holland

without government funding.

But, for example, he admits that his hit movie "The Lift"

was inspired by the Stephen King story "The Mangler."

And he also admits that he copied the structure of "Jaws"

for this movie, even though he didn't copy it very well.

That cute meet on the wharf

where a diver comes up out of the water,

takes off the scuba mask, revealing her femaleness --

That's Monique Van de Ven, a very well-known Dutch actress

with ties to both of the most famous Dutch directors.

Her film debut was in

Paul Verhoeven's "Turkish Delight,"

and she was married for 15 years to Jan de Bont

while he was still a cinematographer

and he had not yet started directing.

So as soon as she appears on screen,

any European audience knows that she is the female lead.

So, all right, after I talked about

Golden Earring at the last break

and I called him a one-hit wonder,

we got some pushback.

I looked it up.

They had another hit

called "Twilight Zone,"

and a third hit called "When the Lady Smiles."

I don't think I know either one of those songs,

but they've recorded 25 studio albums.

So apologies to all Golden Earring fans,

especially since this is very sad --

Golden Earring had to disband in 2021

because the lead guitarist got Lou Gehrig's disease.

And then I also realized

this is the 50th anniversary of "Radar Love."

You know, I never knew I was the fan of a Dutch rock band.

Okay, let's get back to the movie,

the ambitious Dick Maas action thriller "Amsterdamned."

♪♪

I don't really think the pun on "Amsterdam" works, you know?

"Amsterdamned" doesn't really describe a serial killer

scuba diving in the canals.

I mean, because who's damned?

You know, there's no religious theme here.

The killer? Is the killer damned?

Is the detective damned?

Are the victims damned? Is Amsterdam itself damned?

It sounds like a title they thought up

when they were drunk, you know?

"Hey, I got it. Amsterdamned. Get it?

We take the name 'Amsterdam,'

but we turn it into something creepy

by adding the D."

And everybody goes, "That is so cool,"

because they're drunk.

[Laughter]

♪♪

-Two flags. The red is where she disappeared

and the yellow was where she was found.

-Why did he drag her all through the canals, I wonder?

-Maybe he was teaching her to swim.

The man seems to like playing with his victims.

-Okay, guys, we know who the victim is,

when and where it happened, but that's all we know.

Nobody saw anything. -Anything on the rope?

-No, they're still checking. Eric.

-Piece of rubber? -Standard wet suit.

-Info on the blade point?

-The blades are sold all over. -Depth meter?

-We're still checking.

-What about patrol boats?

-I'd say we're lucky if we get two.

They're short of men, they say.

-Two patrol boats? It's better than nothing.

-Eric, what about talking to a psychiatrist?

-I'm ahead of you. I've already done that.

[Phone rings]

-Visser.

Yes, sir.

Right away.

[Receiver thuds]

I'm not the only one who's frustrated.

-All I know is that something's got to be done.

You don't have to answer to City Hall.

Four four in four days.

I'm ready to offer a personal reward.

-Each lead is checked thoroughly as it comes in.

What else can we do?

-And still no witnesses?

-Bag lady is the only one.

Maybe a few fish.

-I just got a phone call from the mayor himself.

He asked if it was safe to take some --

some VIP visitors on a canal boat.

-What did you say?

-Told him they shouldn't dangle their feet in the water.

-[Chuckles]

-I know how you feel, Eric. You feel powerless.

All you can do is wait --

wait for the right tip, the big clue.

But it's not enough. Something has got to be done.

Otherwise, what do we do? Close off the canals?

Might as well forget Amsterdam.

-That's the safest idea.

Drastic, but safe.

-Hey, Eric. You look glum. -Any reason not to?

-Sure. The lab boys analyzed the depth gauge.

-Oh?

-They're pretty sure it hadn't been down there

for more than three days.

-That means it's the murderer's, then.

-I concur with that deduction.

Also, there was a heavy salt deposit on it.

-Eh? Which means?

-Only that, for one thing,

we can rule out each and every freshwater diver.

We're now looking for divers who worked on, okay,

oil rigs or in -- or in seagoing towage.

So we need to know just what kind of water

the depth meter was used in, then we're halfway home.

-And the depth meter can tell you that?

-They just got to analyze the sediment in the meter.

They're at work now. -Huh. You mean there's progress?

-Where are you going?

-Potter knows where to reach me. I got a date with a work of art.

-And now we come to the most famous painting

of the 17th century

and the highlight of the tour of our museum.

It's "The Night Watch" painted by Rembrandt.

It was painted between 1639 and 1642,

and it shows us how Rembrandt succeeded in solving the problem

of assembling people in action into a group.

And the long, mainly diagonal lines of the weapons suggest

a three-dimensional space.

This masterpiece brings us to the end of our tour.

I thank you for your attention.

-You not take us further?

-I'm sorry, sir, but the tour stops here.

-But... -Thank you all very kindly.

So do you like art?

-I'm a sucker for beauty.

-How did you find me?

-I'm a detective, you may recall.

-As I understood it, you were on a case.

-I'm playing hooky today.

Will you have dinner with me tonight,

or are you going to another concert?

-That's no way to ask for a date.

-I've already reserved a table for two,

so if you say no, I'll just have to ask someone else, I guess.

-You don't waste a lot of time, do you?

-I try not to.

-Okay. Pick me up at home.

6:00. -Where do you live?

-I thought you were a detective.

-I want to reserve a table.

For this evening.

We'll be two.

[Birds calling]

♪♪

-Thank you.

[Piano playing in background]

♪♪

-What a pretty place.

You have good taste in restaurants.

-I may have a dirty job, but I still like to eat well.

-How about your daughter? She doesn't mind staying alone?

-No, she's used to my irregular hours by now.

She can take good care of herself.

-I must hand it to her, a girl that young.

-I'd be lost in a desk job, Laura.

Normal routine and normal people.

-Yeah, you'd not be the type for a regular life.

-I'm just your basic cop, I guess.

♪♪

And now let's hear your story.

-There's nothing to tell.

-Well, there's work, life, the men in your life.

-I think you know all about that, detective.

-Very young when you married,

lived abroad for a couple of years.

Last year and a half, you've worked at the museum.

-That's amazing. You've done a job on me.

-Our people play the Interpol computer.

You put your money in the slot,

if it's a jackpot, it tells you everything.

-Everything?

-Computer arrogance.

About certain social areas, it knows nothing.

-Discreet computer.

♪♪

-And my shrink competitor?

-You mean Martin? No, he's just a friend.

I've been in therapy with him for six months.

When I lost my husband, I went into a tailspin.

Someone suggested Martin.

Aside from the therapy, once in a while,

we'd go out to dinner or to a concert.

We're just friends, really.

-Did he get you to take up diving?

-He said it'd be a good way to relax.

You're acting like a detective.

-Martin doesn't dive anymore?

-Not since a childhood friend was very seriously hurt

in an accident. -What sort of accident?

-Something to do with diving, but he never told me the story.

-He told me the reason was he was too busy practicing.

-The practice gets into it, too.

Let's change the subject.

-All right, my lady. How about sex?

♪♪

-Will this do? -Where'd you get it?

-Where else? For my father's service pistol.

-I wanted something that belonged to the killer.

-Like what, for example? His portrait?

-It's a very fine line. -Not up to it?

-All right, gimme it.

-Fine line?

-Hand me the lousy bullet.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey. Hey, stop. It's scary.

♪♪

-He's there.

♪♪

♪♪

-Are you sure he's here?

-Want to go back?

-No.

-He's here.

-What do we do? -What do you mean?

-I mean, if we see him? -We nail the guy.

-But he's dangerous, Willy. He's got that weapon.

-Anneke, this was your idea. You said you wanted to help.

No reason to be afraid. I do judo.

[Splashing] -[Gasps]

-What was that? -It was just a rat.

-There are rats here?

-Might have been the murderer. -Think so?

-I'll be right back. Wait right here.

-Where are you going? -To investigate.

Wait there. -You're going empty handed?

-Mm-hmm.

♪♪

[Clattering]

-Willy?

Willy? Are you all right?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Willy?

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

Dirty, rotten, stinking louse!

-I was fooling. -Really?

Well, then you can consider this just a joke, too.

-Help me out!

You happy now, Willy?

That's my sense of humor.

Anneke, he's around here. Get me out.

-But you're a judo champ.

-You've got to get me out! -Okay. Here you go.

-Hey! -But first,

I want you to swear in your own, you'll do all my homework.

-Promise! -Including the French, okay?

-Including French.

Some friend.

-What are you moaning about?

If you were really psychic,

you would have known that I was going to push into the water.

You're just a fraud.

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

-I hope you can get the stain out.

-Just a bit of wine. I had a great evening.

Night.

-Will you stay away from the canals?

-Will you be worried?

-I want to see you again.

-Call me.

Night. -Night.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Police radio chatter]

-Okay. You've got me. I give up.

I'm the murderer you've been looking for.

Turning myself in!

-You can be sure you'll get the gallows.

-I'm prepared to pay.

-Have you a last wish?

-Mm. Cup of coffee?

[Polka music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Ducks quack]

-Hey, paddle back in. We've got to get going.

-Can't you go alone?

-But they're expecting the two of us.

You know how Mother gets when we're late.

-Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Breathing through scuba regulator]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screams]

-Ooh, did he cut her where I think he cut her?

Nasty.

You know that scene where Eric stalks the girl

to her job as a guide at the museum,

because apparently Eric uses the Interpol database

as a dating app?

That scene was shot at the actual Rijksmuseum,

and that painting is the actual "Night Watch" by Rembrandt,

the most famous painting in Holland.

And that scene where she shoos away the Japanese tourists

so she can flirt with Eric,

that comes immediately after the Jaws rip-off scene

where the police chief is getting pressure from the mayor

because "four killings in four days,"

"we might have to close the canals

and if we close the canals,

we might as well evacuate all of Amsterdam."

How do you close a canal?

[Laughter]

You know, what does that even mean?

This movie has many fans.

It was a huge success in Europe,

and some critics are crazy about it.

Some of them go so far as to say it's a Dutch version

of an Italian giallo film.

No, it is not!

Giallos are puzzles.

They give you an enormous number of clues

so that you can figure out who the killer is,

although you probably will not figure it out.

A giallo like "Deep Red" or "Torso"

is incredibly intricate.

You're never sure exactly what's going on.

In this movie,

you're not only aware of what's going on,

you can predict what's going to happen next.

It's not a Dutch giallo.

It's a Dutch "Columbo" episode. It's really not even that.

It's just a series of set pieces, a thrill ride.

All right, let's get back.

Oh, yeah, I should mention,

Dick Maas implies that the little friend of

Anneke, the amateur psychic,

is about to be killed by the canal-dwelling maniac,

but then she sort of easily pulls him back to safety.

But the only person who really does know

where the killer is is a comedy relief character.

Okay, back to the movie.

Roll it.

♪♪

"The Night Watch."

They have these things in every city.

You got to go there. You got to go there.

"The Night Watch."

It's just a picture of some musketeers, right?

[Laughter]

Arquebusiersis what they call them in Europe.

Did I say that right?

It's the guys who had the first gun, you know.

Was it the first gun?

Actually, I think it was the first handgun,

although it was more like a shotgun than a handgun.

But I guess it's the first gun with a trigger.

That's what it was.

And yet when they make movies about the arquebusiers,

what do they have them doing?

Sword fights.

All right, when you think musketeer,

what do you think?

Swords, right?

Even though "musket" is in the name.

It means a guy who carries a musket.

Must be a Dutch thing.

♪♪

♪♪

-He's expecting me.

-Ah, yes, the chief.

I was just telling the commissioner

and the district attorney that I'm not at all happy

with the conduct and pace of this investigation.

We've got a serial murderer in the canals of Amsterdam.

Is this murderer going to be apprehended, arrested?

Or is he another attraction for tourists this summer

along with the windmills and tulips?

-I appreciate your concern,

and I assure you that the police department is doing

all that it can to bring this killer to justice, sir.

-So we hope.

I'm sorry. The situation is much too serious for sarcasm.

I love this city.

Admittedly, its reputation hasn't always been spotless,

but over the years, we have managed

to clean up our image considerably.

Now you see some F-ing whore swinging over the canal.

Look at the papers.

The foreign press is headlining it, too.

Amsterdam's good reputation is heading down the hole,

and both the council and the police

are becoming targets in a smear campaign.

There is a lot of folks out there who,

if they had it to do over again,

wouldn't elect me.

No matter what it takes, I want that killer caught.

-Every man that I can spare is on the case.

Time is needed. -I cannot let this continue.

I think Visser will have to be replaced.

-Oh, no, sir. Eric Visser is one of our best men.

-I know you have quite a reputation

assigning the right man to the right task.

You had quite a few of your own ideas, though, Commissioner.

-Yes. Eric Visser has a very good reputation.

He's excellent, I know,

but considering the lack of results so far,

I've been thinking seriously,

well, that we should find another man to handle the case.

I guess I feel that's the way to go.

-Do you have other candidates in your talent pool?

-There has got to be many that could take it over,

in my opinion.

-Choose one of them.

-I feel you're looking for a scapegoat, gentlemen.

The fact is, Eric is the best one for the job,

and that's the long and the short of it.

-Don't you think that an injection, a new blood --

-I have full confidence in Eric, and I'm not replacing him,

and that's final.

-Good that you're right,

and your office is on the line.

You've had your say, Chief.

I like your loyalty,

but your boy has got just three days

to track down that murderer.

-If he blows it, your head's gonna roll, too.

-He won't.

I hope.

[Birds chirping]

-How have you been feeling lately?

-Not bad.

-No bouts of depression? -No.

-Still sleeping well? -Yes.

And you? -Why do you ask?

-I want to know something about you, for a change.

-I'm the psychiatrist.

-If I keep on improving,

perhaps you'll lose me as a client.

-And is that what you want? -No.

-I still like talking things over every week.

I still need it.

-Are you going?

-It's the lying down.

-It relaxes you.

-Have you a cigarette?

-Why won't you tell me?

-What?

-About your affair with the policeman?

-I'm not ready to begin an affair.

-Eric Visser is a friend?

-He took me to dinner. -You enjoyed his company?

-Yeah. It was nice. He's a lot of fun.

-Did you have any questions about me personally?

-I don't remember. It was just small talk, mostly.

-More fishing?

-He finds me attractive.

-And you?

-It's mutual.

-Could you be falling in love?

-Could you be a little jealous?

-I'm pleased that you're happy.

And maybe I am a little upset, a little jealous.

-I tell you, this is nuts.

A hell of a way to spend a night.

Cigarette? -No, thanks.

-It's a waste of overtime.

Patrolling won't help.

Can't wait for retirement. [Thump]

-Quiet! -What?

I heard a sound.

Kill the engine. -Ahh.

[Engine stops]

Probably just a piece of driftwood.

Relax. You are a bundle of nerves.

-Relax, with five people murdered?

-Yeah, and we are going to be number six and seven.

[Quiet splashing]

-Wait! -What now?

Aren't you overdoing it a bit?

-Look out!

-The mighty hunter.

♪♪

-How sure are we?

-Sure enough to ask me a few questions.

-Fill me in. -He worked for 12 years

on an oil rig in the North Sea, got fired two months ago.

He got fired for drinking. Couldn't hold his liquor.

Worked some guy over with a broken bottle.

-Cute.

♪♪

♪♪

[Siren wails]

-The rope matches the kind that he was working with.

-And the depth meter fits, too.

I mean, those oil traces in it. -And the wet suit.

-Who gave us the tip? -An ex-workmate of his.

He ran into him last week and thought he was acting strangely,

said he was talking about getting even with someone.

-This could end up being the break

that we've been looking for from the start.

♪♪

♪♪

-Where is he? -In that hotel there.

Second floor, front.

-Is he in there now? -Don't know for sure.

The guy went in there about an hour ago.

Since then, we haven't seen him.

-Hello, Letterman, Johann.

See anything? -No sign of the guy so far.

-The hotel is surrounded. -We got to bust our way in.

-Gee, it'd be real rough if he got away.

-That's what I'm thinking. You wait here.

Come on. -I'll miss all the fun.

♪♪

-Hey, what do you think you're doing?

-Police.

Shh.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Gone.

♪♪

-Eric!

[Motorcycle revs]

♪♪

-Taxi?

[Siren wails]

-[Indistinct shouting]

-We're still on his tail. Any assistance about?

-Message received. We're on our way.

[Tires squeal]

[Horses whinny]

[Siren wails]

[Siren wails]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Stop!

[Tires squeal]

-How about joining us down here?

-Okay, better-than-average action sequence.

When they were shooting the movie, it was

such a big deal in Amsterdam

that all the various divisions of the Amsterdam police

wanted to be represented in the film,

including the mounted police.

And so you'll notice in what may be a film first,

two mounted cops are used to roadblock a speeding motorcycle.

And we had that great shot of the horses

rearing back on their hind legs.

The only problem is, police horses are trained

notto rear up on their hind legs,

so they had to import stunt horses from England,

which was not a problem, because the stunt coordinator

was a guy named Dickey Beer, who, he was Dutch,

but he worked almost exclusively in England.

And in fact, action movies

were so foreign to the Dutch film industry

that all stunt men were brought in from England,

because they had more experience at things like

dangling from a drawbridge.

It's interesting to me that Dick Maas,

when he made this movie,

was so hot he could write his own ticket,

and this is what he chooses to make.

I mean, I don't dislike it.

It's got a lot of kills in it, 2 or 3 outstanding chase scenes,

but do you really remember this stuff after it's over?

Actually, what you remember is Amsterdam itself.

It's kind of a tourist brochure for Amsterdam.

The house of the psychiatrist,

which is one of those beautiful Dutch houses

that look like they could go on a postcard

if they don't fall down first.

You know, they look a little flimsy.

That's the suburb of Heemstede,

which is where Dick Maas was born.

It's right next to Haarlem.

Haarlem is the famous suburb,

like, Haarlem is like Beverly Hills,

and then Heemstede is West Hollywood.

Anyway, Dick Maas is still working today,

writing, directing, composing, producing.

Most Dutch directors of his stature,

once they get a little box office success,

they make a beeline for Hollywood,

like Paul Verhoeven, Jan de Bont.

And Dick Maas had his chances.

He got approached to make a Jean-Claude Van Damme

film in America, but he declined

because he said he was too busy in Holland.

He was offered a sequel to "Nightmare on Elm Street."

He could have directed "Part Four,"

but that job went to Renny Harlin.

And the reason he turned that one down

is he wanted to make "Amsterdamned."

So "Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master"

is not the most popular entry in that franchise,

but Maas probably would have done that well,

since it was the beginning of the period

where they did elaborate kills and got goofy with Freddy.

It became all about technique,

and Dick Maas is all about technique.

Anyway, Dick Maas has made a couple dozen movies,

"Silent Witness" with William Hurt and Jennifer Tilly.

"The Shaft," which was a big-budget remake

of his breakthrough movie "The Lift"

with Naomi Watts, James Marshall,

Michael Ironside, Ron Perlman.

His goriest movies probably "Prey" in 2016,

about a giant lion terrorizing Amsterdam.

Guess he likes stories about anything terrorizing Amsterdam.

And right about now, we're about to find out

just why he is thought of as the Michael Bay of Holland,

because this one scene may be reason enough

to watch the whole movie.

Roll it.

Why does everybody want to be a writer-director?

There are thousands of great directors.

There are hundreds of great writers,

and about seven people who are great at both.

I mean, do one or the other. Collaborate.

Film is a team effort.

Do you ever wonder why Alfred Hitchcock

never mentioned his writers whenever he gave interviews?

Because he couldn't write.

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay, you can refuse to answer,

but it's not going to help you.

Your ass is nailed to the wall, buddy.

-I'm not a murderer, I told you!

-Yeah? Let's hear you talk.

-Go stuff it.

-Innocent people, they don't fear us.

Guilty people run. You're the murderer.

That's right, isn't it?

You might as well confess,

because we'll get it out of you sooner or later.

I want a lawyer. -You better listen to me.

I'm going to put you in prison for life.

Five innocent people are dead, and you were their butcher!

Your turn.

-So,

have you any plans for dinner?

-Congratulations. -For what?

-Eric, you're too modest.

The mayor sends hiscongratulations.

He's quite relieved. -And a little premature.

-Why? You have the guy.

I felt that the mayor should be the first one

to hear the good news.

-It's just too early in the game.

The man swears murder isn't his style.

-Ah, don't worry.

All the evidence points to the guy.

The problem with you is you're a pessimist.

-Yuck.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Doorbell rings]

[Doorbell rings]

-Eric? -Hi.

May I please come in?

-You know what time it is?

-It's late. Were you asleep?

-So should all good cops be. -Sorry.

-Okay.

-I wanted to see you. -Yeah?

-If I were you, I'd throw me out.

-Cigarette? -No, thanks.

-A drink? -Uh, no.

-Something to eat?

-Not hungry.

-You've got someone under arrest.

Big story on the news. -I'll bet.

-You're not exactly elated.

-I don't think we got the right one.

-What will you do?

-Wait.

Wait.

-Is there anything I can do?

[Both moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Breathing through scuba regulator]

[Opera singing in distance]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Take a piss...

♪♪

That feels good. Ahh.

♪♪

♪♪

That's better.

♪♪

Hey, now what?

Storm must have knocked out the power.

♪♪

Here we go.

A little light on the subject.

♪♪

♪♪

Huh? Now what?

No rest. No rest for the weary.

[Rain pattering]

♪♪

The fuck is out there?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

There.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Jesus.

♪♪

Help!

♪♪

Help!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Police!

Better come quickly. There's a boat in trouble.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Any sign of Eric? -No. I don't know where he is.

He didn't go home last night. -Sometimes you get lucky.

-I think you're making a mistake going alone.

-You really think there's more than one murderer around?

-The man that's under arrest,

we're not certain that he is the murderer.

-I'm not going to futz around here.

Sure this is the spot? -Oh, yeah, John. No question.

This is where it sank.

-Good.

We'll soon know how it happened.

♪♪

♪♪

-How will you know he's okay? -He'll tug on the line.

One tug means he's okay. Five tugs, he's in trouble.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

He's inside the boat.

-How can you tell? -The bubbles.

-What do you mean?

-The bubbles are no longer there,

so he's inside the boat.

-Oh, right. Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Intense music plays]

-[Muffled scream]

♪♪

-Look there. -Right.

♪♪

He's all right.

-[Muffled scream]

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans]

-Is that normal?

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-Oliver!

♪♪

He's stuck fast!

♪♪

♪♪

-[Straining]

♪♪

Abort!

-It's too late. He's had it! -Put him up, dammit!

♪♪

There. Look there!

Those bubbles.

It's him!

Follow the bubbles. It's him!

[Engine starts]

♪♪

♪♪

-621.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-We got our man, Vermeer.

-You're sure? -Yeah.

Straight for the loch, he's going.

It's a dead end.

Once he's in, all we got to do is close it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay. Got him.

Get a fence going.

-Eric, where were you?

-John.

-He wouldn't listen to me.

We waited for you to arrive, but...

-He shouldn't have dived alone.

-He wouldn't listen.

-He was always like that.

[Tires squeal]

-We've got our murderer.

No doubt this time.

-Down there?

-Hasn't moved an inch in all this time.

The jig is up. No more fish to fry.

-Have you seen him yet?

-No.

A bit more.

Fuck me.

Sorry, Eric. I should have known he'd not do anything so stupid.

-No sense punishing yourself.

-He's really enjoying our frustration.

-604, this is headquarters. Come in.

-604, Come in.

-We have a breaking and entering in the Amstel Marina.

Repeat, we have a breaking and entering

in the Amstel Marina.

Could be your guy.

-On our way.

[Tires squeal]

[Car horns honk]

[Siren wails]

-That's it there. -Still inside?

-I didn't see him, but I think so, sir.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Intense music plays]

-Ahh!

♪♪

-Shit. You okay?

-Yeah, just wounded.

[Engine starts]

-How do I start this?

-Press the red button and hit the gas.

[Engine rumbles]

-Ahh!

-Again!

-Pull and pull and pull and --

[Rowers shouting]

[Shouting continues]

[Car horn honks]

-[Screams] -Hey!

[Shouting, screaming]

[Shouting]

-We got them in sight.

They're going like a son of a bitch.

Oh, no!

Shit.

-It's a clear case of police brutality!

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Band playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Band playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine revs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Huh?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Squeaks]

♪♪

♪♪

[Wings flapping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Water running]

[Car horns honking in distance]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gunshot echoing]

-Whew! Okay, to start with,

we don't often talk about stunt people on this show,

but I got to mention the guy who was driving the lead boat.

That was Nick Gillard,

a British stuntman who is, he's known for a lot of things.

Well, one reason that powerboat chase

reminds you of a James Bond film

is that Gillard has done major stunts in James Bond films

for almost 40 years.

But Nick Gillard started out

as a bareback horse rider in the circus.

He moved over to stunt work in all the "Star Wars" films,

all the Bond films,

he was the double for Mark Hamill

in "Return of the Jedi."

He did a 2.5 minute fire burn in "Alien III."

He is so good with the fire suit

that he's been set on fire over 100 times.

But in this movie, that jump where he goes over two bridges

and comes back into the water --

that was a world record, never been equaled.

He traveled over 200 feet in the air.

That speedboat chase, though, is 8 minutes long.

Do you know how long it takes to film

just 1 or 2 seconds of any chase scene?

By comparison, the chase scene in "The French Connection,"

considered one of the greatest ever, is just 5:50.

Add to this the fact that the speed limit in Amsterdam canals

is 5 kilometers per hour.

There's so many houseboats there,

you're not allowed to make any waves.

So 5 kilometers equates to 3 miles an hour.

So it took a full year just to get all the legal permits

they needed to even use the canals for a chase scene.

And that part of the chase where the boats jump onto the shore

and plow through some restaurants

that had to be shot in Utrecht,

which is 28 miles south of Amsterdam,

because the canals there don't have so many barriers

and the businesses are really close to the water.

Huub Stapel, who played Eric, the cop,

he wanted to drive his own speedboat

and remarkably, they allowed him to do that.

So to me, the most amazing part of the chase

is not the world record bridge jump.

It's the speed when they go under those very low,

very narrow bridge openings.

Anyway.

Huub Stapel's boat crashed into one of those walls,

and that resulted in injuries that kept him in the hospital

for four days and out of work for three weeks.

So obviously, he was not allowed to drive

when they resumed filming.

He actually had a rib

sticking out of his chest from that crash,

and to this day, he has paresthesia in his fingers.

Paresthesia is a burning sensation

or a tingling in your fingers.

It's mostly annoying, but it's chronic.

I should also mention that the ship

with the brass band playing,

one of my favorite moments in the chase,

when Eric has to stop

so he won't kill all the musicians in the band.

Actually, that's -- I think that is the moment

when the killer jumps the two bridges.

The conductor of the band is Bert Haanstra,

a well-known and beloved

Dutch director who made a musical comedy in 1958

that at the time was the most successful

Dutch film in history,

and it was about a competition between two brass bands.

The movie was called "Fanfare,"

and the piece he's conducting on the boat

in Amsterdam is "Theme from Fanfare."

So great inside joke, but only for Dutch people.

Okay, well, everybody's awake now

because Eric is fresh from a session of hot sex,

followed by adrenaline-pumping speedboat pursuits,

followed by falling down into a sewer full of rats.

And so I guess we know that the guy in jail is not the killer.

So who is the killer? Have you guessed yet?

No, you have not.

I am 100% certain

that if you're watching this movie for the first time,

you have not guessed the killer.

And I'll tell you why

after we watched the stunning conclusion of...

"Amsterdamned."

Go. Roll it.

Those rats.

The rats had to be imported, because Holland has a law

that you can't use lab specimen rats for entertainment purposes,

so they had to bring in 50 rats from Belgium,

but the rats they brought in were white rats,

and white rats don't look disgusting enough on camera,

so they all had to be dyed brown.

And surprisingly enough,

this is not the first time a director had to deal

with this particular problem, because, as you may recall,

Werner Herzog had to dye hundreds of white rats

a darker color when he made "Nosferatu" in 1979.

You know how they say everything is regulated

and policed in Europe?

Well, rats are very safe there.

Rat wrangling is watched very, very closely.

♪♪

♪♪

-He's back.

-What are you doing here? -I was in the neighborhood.

-How are you, Eric? In pain?

-You get him?

-No, by the time we found you, he was long gone.

-What time is it? And where's -- where's Anneke?

-Staying with a school friend.

Really?

What's the time?

-1:00 AM.

-Time flies when you're having fun.

I shot at him. Broke his mask.

-Yeah, the officers found some evidence of that,

but we don't know whether you hit him or not.

-We'd better get going. We're losing time.

Ow!

-You stay right where you are, Eric. You need to rest.

The harpoon only grazed the bone,

but the doctor says you need bed rest.

-Jesus.

-How are you, Mr. Visser. -[Strained] Just great, doc.

-You were very lucky. You're going to be okay.

We shall take out the stitches in a day or two,

and the only souvenir you'll be left with will be

a very small scar.

You had better go. The patient must rest.

-I wanted to ask him a few more questions.

-They'll have to wait. I just gave him an injection.

For the next 12 hours, he'll be out.

-Well, I guess I'll just have to come back tomorrow.

Shall we go? -Yes.

-Oh, it's you.

He hasn't returned yet. -Today, I'm a little early.

-Oh, well, you know your way around the place.

I have to go. My mother is unwell again.

-Nothing serious, I hope? -Too much coffee.

And she knows that coffee isn't good for her.

She doesn't listen to us and she doesn't listen to her doctor,

and now she's sick.

-You give her my best. -I will.

Oh, help yourself to a sherry. I poured myself a glass.

[Classical music playing quietly through headphones]

♪♪

[Ominous music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Rattling]

-Martin?

[Classical music stops]

♪♪

Martin?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Martin?

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

Are we having fun here?

♪♪

♪♪

Is this some new kind of therapy?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Phone ringing]

♪♪

-Hello? A Wing Surgery.

Would you repeat?

Eric Visser?

-It's terribly urgent. We must speak.

-I'll go in and check on him.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sorry, but Mr. Visser is still asleep.

Is there a message you'd like to leave?

-Yes. Tell him Laura telephoned. Yes, Laura.

♪♪

♪♪

Tell him that I now know the ident--

-One moment. My pen's not working.

-Just remember!

Just tell him that Laura discovered who it is.

It's very urgent.

♪♪

[Gate clinks] -[Gasps]

♪♪

-Hello?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Yes, kids?

-We're visiting Eric Visser.

-Third floor. Room 316.

-You said he wouldn't be here.

-I tell you, I had a vision.

-As long as you just shut up about it.

-I just want to warn him.

-Willy, how can he be any danger here?

-Maybe he won't be here long.

-Four days, the doctor said.

[Elevator chimes]

-You'll see that I am right.

I'm a seer. -Ha!

You just see that you don't fall in the water again.

-From the boys. -Yeah. That's nice.

-And fresh clothes.

-What news?

-Nothing that's likely to cheer you up, frankly.

Mind if I have an apple?

My stomach thinks my throat's cut.

-Take it.

-There was a call for you, Mr. Visser.

-Yeah. Who? -Her name, she said, was Laura.

-Any message?

-It was a bit strange. She suddenly hung up.

-What did she say?

It was real strange what she said.

Let's see if I...

Something about, she knew who you were looking for.

My pen ran out of ink just then, and I wasn't --

-When was it? -Oh, 15 minutes ago.

-Why didn't you put her through?

-You were asleep.

-Where was she? -She didn't say.

-Isn't it Wednesday today?

What time is it?

-Uh, 5:35. Why?

-Mr. Visser, what are you doing?

-Eric, what is it?

-Hurry, or we'll be too late. -Late? Late for what?

-Mr. Visser! -Hi, Pop.

-Pop is out of here.

-Where to? -Tell you later!

[Wind howling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Piano playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Piano playing stops]

♪♪

♪♪

-Just what the frigging hell is going on?

-Step on in! -Eric, this is a new auto.

I'm breaking it in still.

[Engine revs] Eric!

♪♪

[Lightning cracks]

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-Laura! Oh!

[Lightning cracks]

[Groans]

-[Grunts]

[Oar clatters]

[Crying]

♪♪

[Intense music plays]

[Screams]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

-[Groans]

♪♪

-It's all right.

It's all right.

I don't think that's necessary.

-Martin, I thought you did it.

I don't understand.

-I suggest that you call for assistance from here.

You and I are long overdue for a talk.

[Thunder rumbling]

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-He's a childhood friend.

We did everything together, including the diving,

that especially.

He made it his career.

He went to work for a well-known salvage company.

-What happened?

-Three years ago, the ship in a storm lost some of its cargo,

these vats of chemical waste.

He was instructed to go down.

His task was to recover them. They said it was harmless.

-What was it? -Uranium hexafluoride.

But they didn't say that.

-Who didn't?

-It was a high-level cover up in the great chemical company.

-And then Martin?

-They called it only a small accident.

One of the vats had burst open on the bottom.

I couldn't recognize the guy. His whole face was disfigured.

The waste turned out to be radioactive as hell.

It ate into his head.

I watched him deteriorate, but I couldn't help.

♪♪

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[Squeaking]

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He withdrew, wanting nothing to do with anyone.

I quit diving, the pleasure of it was gone forever.

I went often to see, to try to help him.

Then he asked if he could borrow my diving gear.

He no longer had his. I said, of course.

He was a friend.

I just wanted the guy to be a little happy.

I had no idea what his plan was. -Revenge on society.

Innocent people had to be slaughtered.

-I just couldn't believe it. -He's sick.

-So is society.

-We're nearly there.

♪♪

♪♪

-Ahh!

[Choking]

[Siren wails]

-He's in there. There's no hurry.

His diving days are over.

[Sirens wailing]

-Shouldn't we go back? Anneke will be worried.

-There isn't any rush, Laura.

-I reserved a table for dinner. -Oh, yeah?

-For three, by candlelight in a fish restaurant.

[Laughs]

-A fish restaurant? -You don't like fish?

-Uh, no.

I don't like anything that comes out of the water.

-I came out of the water, Eric.

-Ah, well, you're the one exception.

Ahh! -[Gasps]

-[Laughs]

-You clown!

-[Laughing]

♪♪

-♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Somewhere in the black night ♪

♪ Shining ♪

♪ Eyes that follow your stride ♪

♪ You can't hide ♪

♪ From the arms that wrap tight ♪

♪ Ooh, no ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ Something ♪

♪ Something terrible waiting ♪

♪ Mm, you fight ♪

♪ You cannot escape him ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ You can't hide ♪

♪ Can you hear him breathing ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ Oh, ohh ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ This place is damned, damned ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, my God, I'm so mad.

-What? Why?

-That ending!

-What? I thought it was cool.

I love the Phantom-ness of the killer.

-The Phantom-ness?

-Yeah, it's basically the story of the Phantom.

-It's not anything like the story of the Phantom.

-Plus the theme song.

It's so cute and so freaking weird at the same time.

-What theme? What theme song?

-You know, the music over the credits.

Like bubblegum,

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

-Didn't have anything to do with the movie.

-I mean, does it matter? It's a bop.

-♪ Somewhere ♪ -Yes.

-♪ Somewhere in the black night ♪

That song?

-That song.

-♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

[Music starting]

♪♪

-♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Somewhere in the black night ♪

♪ Shining ♪

♪ Eyes that follow your stride ♪

♪ You can't hide ♪

♪ From the monster reptile ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

-Whoa! -♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This place is damned ♪

♪ Something ♪

♪ Something terrible's waiting ♪

♪ You fight ♪

♪ You cannot escape him ♪

-Yeah!

-♪ You can't hide ♪

♪ Can you hear him breathing ♪ -Yeah! Back it up.

-♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ This is Amsterdam ♪

♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ This place is damned ♪

-♪ It's Amsterdam ♪

[Single person clapping] -That's it?

[Laughter]

Okay.

-Well, wasn't that exhilarating?

-Wasn't it?

-No!

Just one more thing that doesn't belong in the movie.

-But it's so cute.

-Darcy, you don't invent a new character

in the last ten minutes of the movie,

and then that turns out to be the killer.

-They didn't invent a new character.

He was in the very first scene.

-He's never mentioned. He's never seen.

We get his whole backstory in a long speech

by the psychiatrist

while he's riding in the back seat of a car.

I don't think you have to be a film expert to know

you cannot do that!

It's not some arcane theory of screenwriting.

We could ask a third grader, "Can you hide a killer

and then reveal him in the last five minutes of the movie

and then have him commit suicide so you don't even confront him?"

-Okay, that's a good point. -Listen to this.

I wrote this down. -Uh-huh.

-Well, first of all, when Laura

goes to her psychiatrist appointment with Martin

and she finds the wet suit and the shattered goggles,

why does she suddenly have to hide?

Doesn't she have an appointment?

Isn't he expecting to see her?

If she thinks he's the killer, shouldn't she just act like

she doesn't know that he's the killer?

It's all the skulking around that leads to the confrontation

with the underwater Phantom.

So then, after the killer has been shot four times,

we're in the car taking Martin to the hospital for his wounds

from being bashed in the head with an oar,

and they're asking him why he had the killer's stuff

in his place, and he says --

I'm gonna quote this whole thing,

because it's unbelievable. -Oh, my God.

-Where is it? Oh. Oh.

-Sky Bar to the rescue. -Thank you, Mr. Sky Bar.

-Thank you. -Okay.

Yeah, they're in the back of the car, and he says,

"We've been friends since youth.

We did everything together. We started diving together.

He went on to make a living out of it,

working for a salvage company.

Three years ago, a ship in the North Sea

lost several containers with chemical agents.

He was one of the people to recover them.

They said it was harmless stuff.

Uranium hexafluoride, but they forgot to mention it.

A state-owned enterprise involving senior officials.

They called it an unfortunate accident.

One of the containers had burst open underwater.

I didn't recognize him any longer.

His face had been deformed.

The stuff was so radioactive it messed with his brain.

He became increasingly erratic.

There was nothing I could do."

Okay, Darcy,

you do not introduce uranium fucking hexafluoride

into a movie when it's 4 minutes from being over.

Plus, I just read all this,

and nothing in this story has anything to do with the movie.

He worked for a salvage company. He was in the North Sea.

Uranium hexafluoride. What the fuck is that?

State-owned enterprise, senior officials,

when all you had to say was,

"His face got fucked up," right?

-Okay, I understand your point,

but the title theme is cute,

and his Phantom makeup is amazing.

-Before you go there... -Okay.

-I'm not even finished. -Oh God, stop.

-Martin is still talking.

-Stop. You don't have to, though.

-"He withdrew from everyone.

The fun was over for me.

I quit diving. I couldn't do it anymore.

I went to see him a few times. I tried to help him.

A few months ago, he asked

if he could borrow my diving gear.

He'd got rid of his. Of course, I said yes.

I wanted him to be happy. I let him use all my stuff.

I had no idea what his intentions were.

Avenging himself against society,

murdering innocent people.

I didn't want to believe it. He's sick, extremely sick."

All this is a monologue!

Spoken from the back seat of a car.

You're adding another whole movie to this movie,

told through the longest exposition scene in history

located at the latest point any exposition scene

has ever been placed.

-Why is this making you this angry?

-Because it's a fake ending! -Is it?

-Yes! -Is it?

-Yes!

-Anyway, "Amsterdamned" was a big hit in Europe.

They also still love disco. -I don't like you.

-It was released in February of 1988

and over a million people saw it.

1.4 million, actually. -Hmm.

-♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

-Don't do that. What are you doing?

-I want the bubbles and the Sky Bar back.

It was awesome. I love the song. -Stop that.

-Stop it, stop it, stop it. Just stop it.

-Okay. [Sighs]

Wow, just...

It's a cute movie.

Oh, I love the little "Jaws" tribute music,

and some of the kills are really cool,

like the float one, ohh.

And all the location shots are really, really beautiful.

-Okay. Europe agrees with you. -Yay, Europe.

-I mentioned before, Dick Maas went on to make 20 more movies,

"Killer Babes," a dark comedy in 2007,

"Prey," the lion on the loose movie in 2016.

Huge in mainland China under the title "Violent Fierce Lion."

They tend to be literal in China.

Dick Maas did end up working in America

for a brief time in the late '90s.

He directed a lot of episodes

in the "Young Indiana Jones Chronicles,"

and he continued to direct a whole bunch of music videos,

including the music video for "Amsterdamned."

-♪ Amsterdam, Amsterdam ♪

-I assume you've seen that video.

-Who hasn't?

-Sister singers who perform under the group name Lois Lane.

Actually, the first victim in the movie, the hooker victim,

she stars in that video.

-They're really great.

-Barbara Martine. -Okay, God.

-I wanted to mention another Dick Maas movie

that I'm certain you've heard of.

-"Saint." -Yes, of course.

The gruesome Christmas movie,

Saint Nicholas as a child-killer bishop

from 400 years ago murdered by the villagers,

but every 42 years, he comes back as a zombie.

-Yes!

It stars the same dude from "Amsterdamned."

-Cube...? -Huub Stapel.

-Yes, yes.

He's the zombie Santa,

and he cuts the head off of a cop.

-Dick Maas is kind of famous for decapitation scenes.

I mean, like the night watchman and "The Lift."

He also has a lot of bloody ups--

He's famous for bloody, upside-down corpses.

-Yeah, the best.

-All right, well, you can't go wrong with a killer Santa movie.

-No, you cannot. -I understand there's

a rooftop-to-rooftop chase scene with the reindeer in that movie?

-I think they're horses, but, yeah, it's awesome.

-All right. Mail call. -Yes.

-Got anything? -I do.

I've got something for our wall of fame.

-Where we keep all the fan art?

-Indeed. -All right.

-It's from Zach Crockett of Columbia, Missouri.

-Okay. Home of the university.

-What university?

-You know, University of Missouri.

Mizzou.

Don't they call it Mizzou?

-I don't know the nicknames of colleges in Missouri.

I'm sorry. -Well, you should.

-I'm sorry. -Go, Tigers.

Although they don't have the actual --

They used to have the actual Bengal tiger on the field.

-[Gasps] -They don't do that anymore.

Now they have Truman the Tiger in a mascot costume.

-Good, we don't want to use live animals

as football mascots.

-Well, Bevo, the University of Texas longhorn steer,

would disagree with you.

-Well, I don't think you speak for Bevo,

and you would eat Bevo.

-No, I would not eat a longhorn.

Longhorns are too skinny.

You don't get the marbling that you need for quality beef.

-Gross. What are you talking about, man?

-I would not eat longhorn steer meat.

-Well, at least one species is safe from you.

-You'd have to crossbreed the longhorn steer

with another purebred, and you can't do that.

-Why? -'Cause it's a steer.

-What? I don't -- Just read the freaking letter.

-Okay. -Thank you.

-"Howdy, Joe Bob.

I'm writing this letter to say that I love your show,

"The Last Drive-In."

You never know where in the horror genre

you'll take us next, whether it's a classic film

or an underappreciated gem.

Even in the worst movies --

I'm looking at you, 'Demon Wind.'"

-What? That's my favorite.

-"Your commentary and monologues make the show great fun.

Your speech in 'One Cut of the Dead'

about filmmaking was very inspiring.

I just want you to know that I and all of us

in the Mutant family love Darcy

and appreciate what you bring us.

Thank you so much, Zach Crockett.

P.S., I'm not sure if this will even reach you,

but I've included a drawing of you and Darcy

and some ugly critters.

I'm so unworthy,

but if either of you could take a picture with it,

I'd be in Mutant heaven. Thank you."

Okay, and we do have the -- It's an ink drawing.

Yeah, once again, a perfect likeness of me

and a perfect likeness of you. -Oh, my God.

It's really good, actually. -Plus critters.

Lots of bloody, creepy people and animals.

So thank you, Zach. -I love it.

-Here, Darcy, take my picture. -What?

-Take my picture with the drawing.

-What? How about we do it in a minute?

-We're going to send this off to --

We're going to send this off to Zach.

We'll send this to you right away, Zach.

-Okay, wait. Do you want -- -Go ahead. Yeah, take it.

-Why did we do "Amsterdamned" first?

-Did you have your camera ready?

[Camera shutter clicks] -Go. Bam, Zach. That's for you.

Real time. -Okay.

And that's it for me.

And that's it for Darcy the Mail Girl.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs reminding you that a dirty mind

is a terrible thing to waste,

and the drive-in will never die.

Did I tell you the one about my friend Frank,

the eternal optimist?

-I'm sure you have.

-Well, I'm gonna tell it again. -Okay.

Frank is one of those guys who always looks on the bright side,

so no matter how horrible your story is, he always says,

"Well, it could have been worse," which is annoying.

So to cure him of that habit, we invented this situation

so completely bad, so terrible that even Frank

could find absolutely no hope in the situation.

So we waited until he was on the golf course one day

and we said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"

He goes, "No, what?"

"Well, he came home last night

and he found his wife in bed with another man,

and he shot them both,

and then he turned the gun on himself."

And Frank says, "Well, that's awful.

Could have been worse, though."

And so we all thought,

"How in the hell could it have been worse?"

Frank says, "If it happened the night before last,

I'dbe dead."

[Laughter] -Oh, Frank.

[Laughter]

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