Original subtitles

-♪ I been thinking about my cradle ♪

♪ The way it used to sway

♪ When the magistrates were squealing by ♪

♪ And the roaches ran away

♪ The men would come defend us

-Well, you know what?

All of us already know that you can't smoke

on the airplane.

So shut the fuck up about it Right?

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go

♪♪

[Static crackles]

-Buenas noches!

Bienvenidos a la celebracion del dia en que Mexico le patea

el trasero a Francia.

Right, Darcy?

-Maybe?

[Laughter]

-I said, "Welcome to the celebration of the day

when Mexico kicked France's ass!"

It's Cinco de Mayo!

-Don't tell me you're planning to speak Spanish all night.

-Hell, no. It took me a half hour just to learn that much.

But I think Cinco de Mayo is one of the greatest

American holidays, and we're celebrating tonight with

a Mexican double feature that's guaranteed to create

compaerismo.

[Laughter]

Between the American fans of horror

and the Mexican fans of horror, and especially

the Mexican-American fans of horror,

including my Tejanos and your Californios.

-I guess you are gonna do this all night.

-Darcy, listen to my reasoning.

Cinco De Mayo celebrates three things that everybody loves.

-And those are?

-Beer, tequila, and kicking France's ass.

-I didn't know about the France part.

I don't think we celebrate that in L.A.

-Well, you should celebrate that in L.A. because May 5, 1862,

was the day that General Ignacio Zaragoza,

who was from Texas, by the way, who was from

"Tejas" by the way.

General Zaragoza took a handful of ragtag volunteers,

including a bunch of cowboys from South Texas, vaqueros,

and he defeated the greatest fighting force in the world,

the French Imperial Army, in the town of Puebla,

where he is revered to this day as an impresionante amigo.

-Which is?

-Badass.

The Mexican badass, the Mexican badass of all badasses.

In fact, let's have a toast to General Zaragoza,

you know?

Because that's what you do on Cinco de Mayo. You drink!

You know, I've got tequila here, I've got Mexican beer,

and, most important, I've got mezcal.

So take your pick.

Negra Modelo, I got Pacifico, I got Dos Equis,

I got Tecate in a can.

Always drink Tecate in a can. Never in a bottle.

Carta Blanca, Leon. What do you want?

Tequilas, I've got --

I've got some Patron.

Somewhere around here, I've got Hornitos.

I got Don Julio, I've got Sierra Silver

and El Luchadore.

Well, I mean, we probably shouldn't drink El Luchadore

or the Sierra.

I mean, those last two will pretty much turn

you into a dancing rooster with a brain injury,

so we won't do those right away.

But what'll you have?

-Can I just have like a fruit drink or something?

-Darcy! You can switch to an agua fresca later, you know?

But right now we're gonna do a toast,

so you need to embrace the alcohol.

-Okay, I'll have a Corona.

-[Sighs] We will not be drinking Corona tonight!

Are you kidding me?

This is neither a Snoop Dogg commercial or a frat party.

You're supposed to drink special stuff on Cinco De Mayo.

There's a bar -- you know the perfect place to celebrate

Cinco De Mayo is a border town, because it's an American holiday

and a Mexican holiday, so you need people from

both countries to do it right.

There's a bar in Matamoros

that has a hundred different tequilas.

In fact, it's called The Drive In.

The bar is called The Drive In.

-Let's go!

Alright, well, unfortunately, we have a show to do.

But, alright, try this.

I poured one for you over there. Try that -- yeah.

No, the one on the left. Try that one.

It's Montelobos.

-Ah.

Okay, what is it exactly?

-Mezcal. It's working man's tequila.

-Ah, but I am not a working man.

-Well, working women, too.

-Okay, but it doesn't have a worm in it, does it?

-No, it's totally vegan. I can't afford the ones with worms.

So here, one shot.

And a toast to the memory of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín,

who in the service of the great Presidente Benito Juarez,

saved Mexican democracy

and killed a whole bunch of French guys.

-Really? Really? -Mm-hmm.

-Okay.

-Ah.

Ooh. [Chuckles]

Yep.

So, what happened to him?

[Laughter]

-To General Zaragoza? -Yeah.

-He died of yellow fever shortly after the battle.

But there's a giant statue of him in Laredo.

And I think they have one in Goliad, too.

He's from Goliad.

-But he saved Mexico?

-He -- well, the French retreated from Puebla,

and they waited for 40,000 more soldiers to be sent over

from France so they could go ahead and take

Mexico City anyway a year later.

-So he lost after all?

-Darcy, Mexico history is complicated.

But some Austrian dude was the emperor of Mexico for, like,

five years before they could put him in front of a firing squad

and get back to normal.

-So that is what Cinco de Mayo is devoted to?

-It's devoted to many things, Darcy, and that's why we're

celebrating it with "Don't Panic."

-You're actually going to talk about the movie?

-Yes, I am, but I wanna make a statement first about

why Cinco de Mayo is important.

-Do you have to do that?

-Cinco de Mayo is important -- yes, I have to do that.

-Okay. -Cinco de Mayo is important

because it originated in America, especially in

California and Nevada, as a way to celebrate

America's friendship with Mexico.

'Cause we've only got two real neighbors, right?

And we're nice to one, and we're always

bashing the other neighbor.

There's been a whole lot of Mexico-bashing lately,

and, come on, the Rio Grande is not a short river,

and the Sonoran Desert is not a small region,

and I'm not even talking about the Chihuahua Desert,

which is the largest desert in North America,

and all of that stuff was settled by Spanish-speaking

people, and everybody's been going back and forth across that

border for 500 years, starting a hundred years before

the pilgrims landed, and so hello, we are bound

together by blood and history and geography, and we need to

acknowledge that the next time we buy a condo in Santa Fe

and fail to notice that it's called Santa Fucking Fe.

It means "Holy Faith" in Spanish.

It's not only older than the United States,

it's older than the first English-speaking people who ever

came to North America.

Are you following this, Darcy?

-No. -Okay.

Well, I'm saying we need to acknowledge that America

was first settled by Spanish-speaking people,

so we should return to the traditions of

two generations ago when Mexico and the United States

were compadres and we treated Mexico the same way

we treat Canada, as an equal.

-Don't we do that now?

-No, we're always bitching at 'em.

I mean, you live in L.A.

The reason it's called L.A., by the way, is that Juan Crespi,

a Spanish monk, named the town river after the angels

surrounding Saint Mary, the same river that today

is made of concrete so that the New Mexico state police

and the U.S. Army can chase giant ants into the sewer system

and kill them with flamethrowers.

-Are you talking about "Them"?

-Of course. One of the greatest sci-fi movies ever made.

Certainly the finest one with a giant monster sequence

in the Los Angeles River.

But my point is that the Spanish looked at that river

and they say, "Let's name it after the angels,"

and then the English guys show up and say,

"We need to pour concrete in that river

and kill all the fish."

Who's the asshole in that story?

You know, so need to get back to the time when nobody cared

whether you spoke Spanish or English or both in all these

border areas, you could go back and forth at any time.

There was no bitching at one another.

-I agree that we should be nice.

-Okay. End of point.

Let's have another toast.

To Cinco de Mayo. Grab another one.

Viva Cinco de Mayo.

-Okay. -Go.

-Alright.

-All right, we have one Mexican slasher from the '80s.

[Laughter]

And then one brand spanking new Mexican horror flick

in the uniquely Mexican genre of magical realism,

pioneered by Guillermo del Toro,

who is probably the most famous living Mexican filmmaker.

In fact, we need to also toast

Guillermo del Toro on Cinco de Mayo.

Have another shot, Darcy. -Oh, my God. Do I have to?

-We're gonna toast Guillermo del Toro.

-Okay. -You can switch

to agua fresca in a minute. -No way.

I'm in. Let's do it.

That's my mail girl! Okay.

All horror fans owe a major debt to Guillermo del Toro.

Because "The Shape of Water" was the first horror film

to win the Academy Award since, well, there have only been

two horror films that won Best Picture,

and the first one was "The Silence of the Lambs"

in 1991, but nobody really put it in the horror category

because it had big name actors and it was sold as a thriller,

but then "The Shape of Water" was in 2017,

and for the first time, Hollywood votes not only for

a horror film, but for a monster film,

and not only a monster film, but a rubber-suit monster film,

and ever since then, money has been available for horror.

Horror films are being churned out like crazy,

so our Mexican brother Guillermo del Toro ended

100 years of Hollywood snobbery about horror.

So we're gonna toast Guillermo in the Mexican way.

So follow me, Darcy.

Alright. Arriba! Glasses up.

Okay?

Abajo -- glasses down.

Al Centro -- glasses to the front.

To get ready to drink.

Y pa dentro -- drink.

Alright, we're gonna do shots like that all night.

That was for Guillermo.

Alright, we were actually gonna show

"The Shape of Water" tonight, but they wanted more than our

usual $50 licensing fee, and so instead we're gonna watch

the delightful 1988 slasher "Don't Panic."

Remember when we showed "Black Christmas"

and I talked about how Bob Clark would make these movies in

Canada that were disguised to look like American movies?

He would put little American flags everywhere

and alter the signs and everything?

Okay, that's possible if you're making a movie

in the lands of our northern neighbor,

but Rubén Galindo Jr. decided to do the same thing in the lands

of our southern neighbors.

Not so easy, right?

He had the idea of making a movie that was a cross between

"Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Saved by the Bell,"

with Hallmark Channel lighting and an "Evil Dead" subtext,

and with the whole thing shot in Mexico.

Remember when we showed "Demon Wind?"

I've tried to describe "Demon Wind" to people

and failed many times.

"Don't Panic" is the spiritual successor to "Demon Wind."

It's probably the greatest movie ever made about a 30-year-old

teenager wearing dinosaur pajamas who battles

a satanic demon named Virgil while going on dates

with the unibrowed new girl at school and buying her

a tourist sombrero, perhaps the major tip-off that,

yes, we are in Mexico City.

Actually the movie reveals in one of the opening scenes

that the dinosaur-pajamaed star with a room plastered with

racing car photos normally not seen outside of

a 7-year-old's birthday party has been forcibly transferred

by his alcoholic mom from Beverly Hills to Mexico City,

but everything else is an attempt to recreate

American high school hijinks

that lead to satanic consequences.

"Don't Panic" is the brainchild of Rubén Galindo Jr.,

who made three horror movies in the late '80s that were

attempting to recreate the magic of the Spanish version

of "Dracula."

Now, if you'll recall, the original 1931 "Dracula"

was filmed in two languages.

The same sets were used for both.

So the Bela Lugosi version would be filmed in the daytime,

and then overnight, the same scenes would be filmed

in Spanish with Carlos Villarias as the count.

Many people believe the Spanish version is better.

Have you seen the Spanish version?

It's better, right? -It is.

-So Rubén Galindo Jr. grew up in a famous film family in Mexico.

His father Rubén Galindo Sr. made more than 80 films,

quite a few of the most famous Mexican westerns

and some of the "Santo" masked-wrestler movies,

and his grandfather was an actor turned producer

named Pedro Galindo, who started making movies back in the '30s.

So Rubén Junior is 23 years old,

and he decides to go Spanish "Dracula" one better.

The only people hired to act in

"Don't Panic" were bilingual actors.

You had to be equally proficient in both languages.

And he didn't film English in the day and Spanish at night.

He had the same actors do the scene in English,

then immediately do the same scene again in Spanish.

The result is what I would call an agreeably goofy

Freddy Krueger story if the Lifetime Network

made horror, with some excellent kills orchestrated by

Screaming Mad George and other special effects artists.

And of course it all starts with a Ouija board, indicating that

Rubén was willing to steal from everybody in his attempt

to crack the American market, because "Witchboard"

had just been a success the year before.

So let's look at those drive-in totals and get started.

We have...

8 dead bodies.

1 motor vehicle chase, with supernatural driver.

Bloody hand through the ceiling.

Dagger to the forehead.

Multiple red-eyeball mesmerizing.

One magic rose.

TV-screen face-monster effects.

Knife to the hand. Neck-ripping.

Kidnapping. Aardvarking. Bloody ablutions.

Classroom bloody-dress hallucination.

Nerd-tripping, with eyeglass-stomping.

Slow-motion throat-cutting.

Shotgun to the chest.

Dagger up through the chin, mouth, and face.

Multiple bloody medieval dagger stabbing.

Random growling sounds whenever Satan is around.

Porno magazine bribery.

Crucifix wall-stabbing. Glass-wall plunging.

White-goo spitting. Flying wood blocks.

Unintentional convenience-store robbery, with Marlboro theft.

Fake-donkey helium montage,

with romantic ice cream feeding and rowboat love.

The old levitate-em-and-drop-em trick.

Dagger chest-plunging.

Gratuitous upchuck details.

Gratuitous lecture on Percy Bysshe Shelley.

Gratuitous dead Indian. Gratuitous zombies.

Gratuitous Mexican senator at a formal dinner party.

Weejee Fu, with dancing planchette.

Vodka Fu. Skinemax Fu.

Syringe injection Fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for

Helena Rojo as the gin-guzzling mom who thinks her son is crazy.

Jon Michael Bischof as Michael, the frizzy-haired bicycle-riding

dinosaur-loving hero who stumbles around blindly

every time the devil kills a high school student,

for saying, "It's sunglass day in school today, Mom."

Juan Ignacio Aranda as Tony, the grinning horribly-scarred

best friend possessed by a devil named Virgil.

Gabriela Hassel as Alexandra, the unibrowed girl of

Michael's dreams, who yells, "You're just a filthy animal!"

the day after they have sex.

Roberto Palazuelos as John, the macho brother.

And Rubén Galindo Jr., the writer/director,

for stealing from every single horror franchise of the '80s

and adding a little tequila to the plot,

as he does it the drive-in way.

Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

You know how...

You know how Guillermo taught himself to speak English?

By reading two magazines.

Famous Monsters of Filmland.

And Madmagazine.

And when you think about it,

what other education would you ever need?

That's the whole spectrum of human knowledge

just in those two publications.

You want another shot?

-Oh, my gosh.

Isn't it kind of early to be doing this many shots?

-Yes.

-Let's do it!

-The blue agave plant, by the way,

the blue agave is grown entirely within the state of Jalisco,

which is where Guillermo del Toro was born.

-Is that important?

-Well, blue agave is the base ingredient of tequila.

Whereas mezcal is made from other agaves,

usually Small Sword Agave from Oaxaca.

-Are we gonna drink, or are we gonna talk?

-Damn, Darcy. Alright.

Arriba!

Abajo!

Al Centro!

Y Pa Dentro!

Oh, wow, that one was different.

Okay.

That stuff could affect my critical faculties.

We probably need to slow down.

-No, we don't.

-Guau! -Guau?

-That's "wow" in Spanish.

-Don't do this all night, please.

-Okay. -Okay. Thank you.

-Bueno. -[Groans]

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

♪♪

♪♪

-There's a door that takes you to another dimension.

Once you step through it, there's no return.

I've already crossed it.

♪♪

♪♪

-Bye, guys! See you in school, Lori!

-Bye.

-I knew it was definitely gonna be a different birthday.

That's just 'cause my dad's work had yanked me out of

Beverly Hills High and then shipped Mom and I down

to Mexico City.

I mean, Mexico City for the rest of high school?

The pits.

-Hey, man. What's your problem, huh?

Huh?

-Happy birthday, hon. -Thanks, glad you came.

-See ya.

-Hey, hey! Michael! Thanks, man.

We had a great time. -Thanks.

-We had a ball. -Glad you came.

See you later, dude!

-See you. -Thanks for coming, huh?

-Hey, Michael! -Yeah.

-Is this your first birthday in Mexico?

-Yeah.

-You'll get used to it.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

-Sure as hell hope so.

[Car engine starts]

-Michael?

-Yes, Mom?

-Is everybody gone?

-Yes, Mom.

-Oh, thank God.

[Growling]

[Growling]

[Clattering]

-Ah!

[Tony snarls]

What the hell, man?

-[Laughs]

-You're 17, Michael.

-Big surprise. Huh, Michael?

-Hey, hey, dude.

Another one bites the dust, huh?

-What the hell is it, guys? -Michael!

Is everything okay? -Shh!

Shh, shh.

-Yes, Mom!

-What's the deal, guys?

Party's over, man. My mom's gonna kill me!

-Come on, guy. Don't be impatient.

Look what we got for you.

-We didn't want to leave without first giving you

your birthday present, Michael.

-Yeah! -We could've done that tomorrow.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

-Hey, man, look around. Everything's under control, huh?

-Happy birthday, Michael.

-You remember Alex?

She's the girl I was telling you about.

The new girl at school?

-Hi. [Chuckles]

-Nice to meet you.

-[Chuckles]

-Okay, tell you what.

You can all stay, but be quiet, okay?

-No problem.

-Do you want to see your birthday present, Michael?

-Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

[Switch clicks]

-So, are you ready, Michael?

-Yeah!

-One!

Two.

Three!

-[Blows]

[Laughter]

-Oh. -Oh.

-Bitching, Tony.

-[Laughs]

-So where'd you get this?

-Mm-mmm. [Laughs]

-Guys, it's time to go home now.

-Oh, sit down, Michael. -Oh, come on, Michael.

-What's wrong? -Sit down!

-Come on, don't be chicken. -Be cool, man.

-I promised never to play with the Ouija board again.

-Oh, my God! -Come on, Michael!

-Show us you're not a kid anymore.

-Have a drink. Have a drink with me, come on.

-Hey, you guys, time to go.

-Oh, come on! -Aww!

Don't be a party pooper. -Oh, come on. What's wrong?

You don't do it because your mommy does it too much?

[Laughter]

I'm sorry. -Hey, you guys.

Maybe he's right.

We shouldn't play this game.

-Okay, Tony.

Play, man.

-[Chuckles]

-Play, man. Quit drinking, huh?

-Everyone ready?

Virgil.

Virgil.

I would like you to meet some friends.

-[Chuckles]

-Please show them that you really exist.

Okay.

What do you wanna ask?

-Ask him in what year my grandmother died.

-Yeah!

-Virgil.

Please tell us.

When did Debbie's grandma pass away?

-This is crap. It doesn't even move!

-Yeah, where's the ghost, Tony? -This is bullshit.

-This is so stupid, Tony. You're such a liar.

-Yeah, Cristy's right! -Yeah! [Laughs]

-Shut up, everybody!

Wait! Wait!

Virgil.

Virgil, I know you're here.

Please answer me.

Don't you feel it, Michael?

It's getting close to us.

Help me to call him in.

-Hey, hey, hey. Tony, Tony.

Why don't you cool it, all right?

[Alex giggles]

-Yeah, this is crap.

-Hey, listen. I got a better idea.

-What? -What?

-Why don't we ask the Ouija board,

who's enchanted by Alexandra?

[Laughter]

[Squeaking]

-Oh, God, it's moving. -It's moving!

[Squeaking]

-Looks like we have a candidate.

-[Squeaking] -[Chuckles]

Boo!

[Laughter]

-Tony, cut the bullshit, man!

[Laughter]

Why don't you tell 'em who Virgil is, huh?

Why don't you tell 'em Virgil is the devil?

-Okay, that's it!

Everybody out.

Come on.

And, Michael, I wanna have a word with you.

-[Chuckles] Oh, yeah.

-Robert.

This guy really believes in the devil.

-Devil, my ass.

Hey, Devil. Have a drink, okay?

-[Laughs]

[Crickets chirp]

[Debbie laughing]

-Come on.

-Good night, Michael.

[Car starts]

♪♪

-I'm sorry your dad didn't show up.

-[Chuckles]

So what's new, Mom?

♪♪

♪♪

[Doors close]

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Wood clacks]

[Birds chirping]

[Tires squeal]

-Your pass?

-Aw, come on, fish man. I'm not that late.

Shit, I'm gonna flunk history.

-Sorry. Nobody gets in without a pass.

-Nobody?

Nobody.

No exceptions. Absolutely not.

-It's the latest, man. Check her out.

♪♪

-But ma'am.

-I'm sorry. Coming in late isn't acceptable.

-Please, ma'am.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sneakers squeak]

[Birds chirping]

-[Clears throat] Hi.

-Hi.

What's wrong? What are you doing out here?

-They didn't let me in my biology class.

-You overslept too, huh?

-[Chuckles] Well, I guess.

-Listen, I don't think they're gonna let me in my class

either, but would you like to have breakfast with me?

-But what if they catch us?

-I'll handle that. Don't worry.

So?

Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

-I had a great time, huh?

-Me too.

Bye.

See you tomorrow.

-Bye.

[Tony retches]

Shit, man.

[Tony retches]

Told you that stuff is bad for ya.

[Tony coughs]

You look like shit, man.

-What happened with your mom?

Did she ground you?

-Nah.

-You're mad at me?

-[Chuckles] No. Why?

-Listen, man.

I'm sorry.

I feel very bad about what I said

about your mom's drinking problem.

And don't think I forgot we had a promise.

Not to say anything about the Ouija board.

It's just...

You know, a couple of drinks and --

-Guess what? -What?

-Remember Alex, the new girl?

Oh, man. She's great.

We went out to breakfast. She's incredible.

I really like her, and I think she likes me, too.

But, geez, I just don't know what to do about her, you know?

-Well, give her a rose.

-That's right. I'll give her a rose.

-Right.

But not just any rose.

-What do you mean?

-Yeah.

It has to be therose.

The magic rose.

-[Chuckles] Come on, man.

Another one of your stories, huh?

-No, I'm not joking.

Listen.

There's only one rose that can help you with that girl.

And it's...

this one.

Listen, if you really love her,

then give it to her.

And tell her that as long as love exists between you two,

the rose will never wither.

[Crickets chirp]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Gasps]

[Groans]

-[Screams]

-[Sighs]

[Static crackles]

-Okay, that is Jon Michael Bischof in

the starring role as the weejee-board-hater

with the dirty blond fluff-mullet who uses

porn magazines to bribe the high school security guard

and dresses in dinosaur pajamas normally worn by 3-year-olds

and stares in open-mouthed wonderment at helium balloons

released into the skies over Chapultepec Park

while playing hooky with a monobrowed brunette

named Alexandra who is apparently given to him

as a birthday present by his mischievous friends

who annoy his alcoholic mother who brought him to Mexico City

from Beverly Hills.

Does that about sum it up, Darcy?

-It does.

-Is it monobrow or unibrow?

What's the word for when you

have one continuous eyebrow across your forehead?

-I think it's unibrow.

-Okay. Then what's a monobrow?

-I think they're the same thing.

-Okay, well, Michael gets turned on when he sees a monobrow

or a unibrow.

And that actor, Jon Michael Bischof, was cast,

like all the actors in the movie, partly because

he was fluent in both English and Spanish, because he had

a Swiss father and a Guatemalan mother

and he was living in Los Angeles.

He may be the best Swiss-Guatemalan-American actor

in history.

Whenever you're going Swiss-Guatemalan with

any character part, you go with Jon Michael Bischof.

Which may be why he only made four movies before retiring,

and two of the movies were for this same director,

because he was also in Rubén Galindo Jr.'s

"Grave Robbers."

And before arriving in Mexico City to shoot the movie,

he called Rubén Galindo and he said,

"I've got the perfect wardrobe for the movie," and he had gone

to Wal-Mart and bought those dinosaur pajamas.

And he also asked Galindo if he could decorate his bedroom in

the movie with actual things from his own bedroom,

which explains all the sports car posters from Spencer Gifts.

You know, Galindo said he was fine with it because he wanted

the character to be naive and kind of out of his element,

when he's exposed to these supernatural demonic forces

that are expressed so far in the form of

dancing planchettes and bloody arms through the ceiling.

And, Darcy, before we get any drunker, I thought maybe

I should go ahead and explain the Battle of Puebla in 1862...

-[Sighs] -...that inspired

the celebration of Cinco De Mayo.

-Or maybe we should just get drunker?

-No, I'm gonna do this.

And I'll do the short version.

-Oh, my gosh, you have a whole chart thing for this.

-Yes, well, yeah, it's just a normal --

It's just a normal Battle of Puebla

battlefield flow chart.

-Okay. -It starts out with...

-Alright. -Go ahead, go ahead.

-Actually, see, I need two maps.

-Oh, my God -Battlefield map here.

But I'm gonna start with this map which is just

a Mexico map from 1862.

-I can't believe this, but do it.

-Yeah, because our story starts in Veracruz.

You ever go to Veracruz?

-I don't believe I have. -Gulf of Mexico.

-Greatest seafood in all Mexico.

Hell, greatest seafood in North America.

Oh, wait, you don't eat seafood.

-Nope. -Okay. Anyway.

-It's gonna fall. -Veracruz is the place you go

for huachinango, snapper.

Yum. Plus coffee. Great coffee they grow there.

-Oh, my God. How long is this going to take?

-So the French land their army at Veracruz, which is here,

and they easily take Orizaba, which is here,

because the Mexicans had no time to prepare and it was basically

peasants against professional soldiers,

including a couple thousand zouaves, which were

the Algerian fighters who were considered

the best infantry in the world.

And Orizaba, as you can see, is about one third of the way

to Mexico City.

And then Puebla, which is here, is about two-thirds of the way,

and so that's where General Zaragoza sets up

with his band of volunteers.

They're outnumbered three to one.

The French have the latest rifles,

the Mexicans have old muskets.

The French have powerful artillery, the Mexicans don't.

So Puebla -- alright, so here. I got to show you this.

-Okay. -Puebla, the town of Puebla,

ancient historic town in Mexico.

The town of Puebla...

-Need help?

-Yeah. -Okay.

-The town of Puebla has this hill in the north of it.

This is a hill that has two forts on it --

Fort Guadalupe and Fort Loreto, and in between them is

a saddleback ridge, and Zaragoza gets there

two days before the French arrive, and he has his men dig

a trench between the two forts.

Trench can't be seen if you're below the hill.

And he figures he'll be able to go whichever direction

the French go.

If they decide to pass by Puebla,

he'll just pour down out of the trenches, the high way.

You know, he'll just pour down out of the trenches

and hit them on the high way and ambush 'em.

If they decide to take one of these two forts,

he can move all his men through the trenches

and have all of his men at the fort

that they're trying to take.

And so about half his men are in these two forts,

and then half of his men are quartered in the town.

And the French believe -- this is typical French, you know?

They believe that the town is gonna welcome them

with open arms, because everyone in the world wants to be French

and wants to be ruled by the French.

So the French arrive on Cinco de Mayo,

and around about noon, they send the zouaves,

the best infantry fighters in the world,

they send them up the hill, they sent them up this hill,

straight towards Fort Guadalupe, and Zaragoza goes,

"Damn, they're arrogant.

That's the best fortified, best defended target

that they could pick."

I'll just move a bunch of guys from this fort

through the trenches over to that fort

and make it stronger."

So the zouaves get about half way up the hill,

and they're shelling like crazy, but they can't go any further.

They get pinned down for two hours, and so they're

up about here, they decide to pull back because they're about

to run out of ammunition, and as soon as they do that,

he sends those Texas cowboys in with double cavalry charges.

One goes from the west, one goes from the east,

and they box 'em in and those French become French fries.

And they pull out of there. Most of them are dead.

They pull out of there.

They circle around to the north,

they try another assault on the fort from this side.

They get their hineys pasted with just

two pieces of artillery.

Because, you know, you only need one cannon

if it's an accurate cannon, right?

And so late in the afternoon, there's a third assault.

I think the third assault was like right around here.

And they end up with a bunch more dead guys

in frilly shirts, and these wild-eyed Mexicans now pour out

of both of these forts and the town,

and they chase 'em all the way back to Orizaba.

They keep killing them all the way

till they get back to Orizaba.

All of 'em except the 1,000 dead ones

that are left in Pueblo.

Mexican casualties -- 83.

And the reason the Battle of Puebla became

a symbol of Mexican strength --

Okay, we can get rid of this.

-Okay, thanks.

-The reason it became a symbol of Mexican strength is that

it was normal volunteer soldiers beating back the best trained

soldiers in the world, and the pro soldiers

were sent over here to build an empire

for the benefit of assholes in Paris.

So the message was, "Don't screw with us."

That's the message that came back from Mexico.

And in fact, the French did not come back to Puebla for a year.

They were afraid to,

until they had 40,000 more reinforcement soldiers.

And they did manage eventually to set up a government

in Mexico City, but it only lasted four years,

because Benito Juarez kept his government in exile

up in the wilds of north Mexico, where nobody could find him,

and when they got the chance, they went back down there

and put Emperor Maximilian in front of a firing squad,

and France was done in Mexico forever.

Okay, I guess that's enough Mexican history.

-Ya think? Why do you do this?

-To explain why we celebrate Cinco de Mayo!

It's not all Mexican jumping beans and tequila shots, Darcy.

-Oh, my gosh. I had those when I was little.

-Yeah. Mexican jumping beans? You know?

Although, I would think there's some kind of

vegan reason not to have Mexican jumping beans.

-I didn't understand what they were when I was little.

-I mean, what's inside a Mexican jumping bean? I don't even know.

-I like some kind of moth larva or something.

-I know that after you buy 'em, they eventually stop jumping.

-Because they died. It's so sad.

-Or it just never becomes a moth.

You know, it's pre-deceased.

-Exactly, I guess.

-Alright. It's kind of sad. -Yes!

-Kind of a sad child's toy.

I would still like to have some. -I don't want any.

-Alright. Okay, back to the movie.

[Laughter]

We should have more military history on "The Last Drive-In."

-No, we shouldn't.

[Laughter]

-I'm still hoping we'll show a Rod Serling movie so I can

talk about how he parachuted into the Philippines

and fought hand to hand, house to house,

through the streets of Manila

after he was already wounded twice.

Rod Serling was a war hero.

-I'm sure you're gonna get your chance.

-Okay, Admiral Iwabuchi had ordered his men

in the Philippines to fight to the death,

and they fought to the death.

-You tell such uplifting stories.

-Iwabuchi himself committed suicide

before we could kill him.

-Nice.

-Tequila? -Yes.

-Yeah. Alright.

-To Puebla.

-Okay. Whoo!

-Mm!

Sabroso! Sabroso.

Delicioso!

-Dude.

-Don't look at me like that.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

[Birds chirping]

[Background chatter]

-Hey, man. This is ridiculous.

You look like a sissy! -Come on.

Tell you what.

I'll catch you later, okay? -All right.

But please tell me what happens afterwards, okay?

-I'll do so.

-Hey, Michael!

Good luck, man!

-Hey, Frank, make yourself useful

and get me something to drink.

-How about Coke?

-Okay, you got it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I just came because I don't want to leave things like this.

John is just my friend.

You know him!

He's just a smart ass!

And he's also jealous of you!

You know that.

Michael?

I love you.

So, you love racing, huh?

-Love it.

Speed is...

I don't know, it's freedom.

It's a special sensation.

It's like the more you get of it, the more you want it.

-I love your room.

It's fantastic.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Michael.

-Hm?

-I want you to know that this is the first time --

-Shh.

Alex.

As long as there's love between you and I,

this rose will never wither.

♪♪

[Crickets chirp]

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Door creaks]

♪♪

[Floor creaks]

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Snarling]

-[Screams]

♪♪

[Muffled clattering]

♪♪

-[Groans]

-[Screams]

[Screams]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

[Body thuds]

-Michael?

[Door handle rattles]

-[Panting]

-Michael?

[Knock on door]

-[Gasps]

[Door handle rattles]

-Michael! Are you okay, honey?

-[Gasps]

-Open the door, Michael!

Is something wrong?

Please, baby. Just open the door.

Michael!

[Knocking]

Michael, are you okay?

[Door handle rattles]

Michael, answer me! Are you okay, baby?

-I'm fine, Mom.

-Are you sure, honey?

-I'm fine.

-[Sighs]

[Glass clinks]

-Good morning, you little devils out there.

It's time to snap open those red bloodshot eyes

and hit the road.

We have a solid hour of uninterrupted music

that'll exorcise those morning demons away.

It's a sunny 78 degrees and the south lane traffic...

-I'm standing inside the Cray-1 computer,

the most powerful computer in the world.

It's also very large and has millions of wires,

as you can see.

[Upbeat music]

-Don't tell me you're going to wear those glasses to school?

Well, aren't you gonna take them off?

-[Coughs]

Mom, it's sunglass day in school today,

and all my buddies are --

-Up until this point, this computer was used

by the government, by the defense department,

and now it is the first time that it's being used

for graphics for film. -You crazy kids.

This is the computer for which Ron Cobb

designs his computer generated graphics.

[Static]

[Creaking]

-Michael!

Michael!

I need your help.

Cristy's going to die.

Tonight.

[Fork clangs]

-Mom?

-Yeah?

[Upbeat music]

Michael, honey.

Why don't you tell me what happened last night?

-Huh?

-Well?

-Mom, I got to go to school now. I'm late.

[Upbeat music]

-When you read Shelley's books,

you must read every word and not lose any detail.

Now, listen to this.

"Rose leaves when the rose is dead,

are heaped for the beloved's bed,

and so thy thoughts when love art gone,

love itself shall slumber on."

Is it the poet's character

or maybe the romantic temperament itself?

The heightened sensitivity.

Or the inner vision of the poet?

We will never know.

But...

Cristy Higgins is next, Michael.

You must warn her.

You must take her out of the city before midnight.

[Cristy laughs]

[Laughing]

♪♪

[Laughing]

♪♪

[Chair scrapes]

-Michael?

Is something wrong?

-No, I'm sorry.

-And of all the romantic poets,

Shelley was the most extreme.

What finally pushed him over the edge

from visionary to insanity?

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct chatter]

-Oh, here you are.

-Hi. How are you?

-Listen, I'd like you to come over to my house tonight.

I want you to meet my parents.

-Listen, I got a lot of things to do.

Homework. Yeah, I got to do some homework.

Why don't we do this tomorrow?

-Is something wrong?

-No, no, no. Everything's fine.

-I never thought you'd do this to me!

But don't worry. I'll never bother you again.

-Alex, wait!

-You're just a filthy animal!

I don't ever want to see you again!

-Alex!

-Well, well, well.

If it isn't crazy Michael.

-You don't really know how to treat a lady, do you?

-Aw, come on, man. Don't be so rude to Mr. Romeo.

-Oh, I'm sorry. Where's Juliet?

-Hey, why don't you take those stupid glasses off

and look at me straight in the eyes, huh?

-Hey, he's talking to you.

-Oops!

[Laughter]

Where do you think you're going, nerd?

-Hey, John. Come on!

-You shut up, okay?

-All right.

Well, what else can you tell me

about these visions you've been having?

-Well, besides my vision getting blurry,

sometimes my eyes actually get red.

-Mm-hmm.

All right. Well, button up your shirt.

Go into the next room and wait for your mother.

-Well?

-Physically speaking, Michael is fine.

The problem is psychological.

At some point in his life, Michael must have suffered

difficult experiences, which, I'm afraid,

are currently causing him these hallucinations.

-There's something you should know.

I have a drinking problem.

[Static crackles]

-Important health tip -- one thing your ophthalmologist

should always know is that your mother has a drinking problem.

Things happen fast in Mexico, though.

What are we, about two and a half days into

the Michael-Alex relationship.

They meet at a birthday party, Michael falls in love,

she betrays him, they make up, they have sex,

he brushes her off, she gets mad.

I'm expecting them to get married at any moment,

and by the end of the movie, they'll have three kids

and be in the middle of a divorce.

And wasn't that the longest sex scene

ever filmed with no sex in it?

Ah.

I don't understand the whole rose thing.

Is it a magic rose?

Where did the rose come from? Who made the rose?

Do you know, Darcy?

-No idea.

-You must have gotten a lot of roses from men.

-[Laughs] I mean, I guess, but I am not crazy about them.

I don't like that you kill something

just so you can have something pretty.

-Even if you're making a float for the Rose Parade?

-Fuck the Rose Parade, no. Leave them in the ground.

-Okay, well, this is apparently a magic rose,

so it doesn't have to be in the ground.

-That's okay then. -All right.

Now at the risk of irritating you, Darcy --

-That never stopped you before.

-I'm gonna explain a little bit more about the history of

Cinco de Mayo because it's really cool.

-[Sighs] Just no more armies and battlefields.

-That's not what this is.

-I don't trust you.

-Alright. -Okay.

-See this guy with the cool mustache?

John O'Sullivan.

Journalist, editor of a publication called

The United States Magazine and Democratic Review.

Bad name for a magazine. Who can remember that?

So in 1845, he invents the term "manifest destiny."

Meaning, all that land out west, everything from

the Mississippi River to the Pacific Ocean,

we got to have that.

God wants us to have that.

You know, we already bilked Napoleon out of

the Louisiana Purchase so we've got some of it,

but we need all of it, we got to just take it.

Okay, this next guy, James K. Polk,

with the 19th-century mullet and the forehead the size of

a football field, this guy is actually from the Tennessee side

of my family, he's actually an ancestor,

but we don't talk about him much because he's the guy who

started the war with Mexico.

James K. Polk, he gets elected President in 1845, and he goes,

"Hell, yeah, manifest destiny, we need to annex Texas.

That's the first thing we need to do."

Because Texas was an independent republic after

they defeated Santa Anna's army in 1836.

Everybody knows that story.

-Nobody knows that story, but go on.

Are you saying nobody knows the story of the Alamo?

The Alamo, Darcy.

-Well, I know the Alamo doesn't have a basement

because of "Pee Wee's Big Adventure."

Right?

-Be sure and tell 'em Large Marge sent you.

-Yes! I love Large Marge.

-Well, Darcy, if you had listened, remember the Jan Hooks

guided tour of the Alamo in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure"?

-Yes. -If you'd listened to that,

you would remember that after all those guys like

Davey Crockett and Jim Bowie and Buck Travis were martyred

at the Alamo, we kicked Santa Anna's ass

at the Battle of San Jacinto

and became a free and independent country,

The Republic of Texas.

But I'm not even talking about that.

What I'm talking about is that most Texans in 1845,

they didn't want to be a free and independent country.

They wanted to just join the United States.

And so James K. Polk said, "Yeah, come on over."

But there were a lot of northern states

that didn't want Texas in.

There's still a lot of northern states that don't want Texas in.

And meanwhile, Mexico and Texas are fighting over where exactly

the southern border of Texas.

Texas said it was the Rio Grande, and Mexico said it was

the Nueces River, which empties out up by Corpus Christi.

And so James K. Polk sends in troops to help Texas fight

the Mexican army north of between the Rio Grande

and the Nueces.

And US Army takes all the land, not just in Texas,

but all the way up to Santa Fe, which is in New Mexico.

So and they do, the United States does

annex Texas and then they go,

"Well, hell, let's just keep on going,

we want all this cactus stuff west of Texas,

that goes out to the Pacific Ocean."

So the war gets really, really nasty,

and General Winfield Scott --

Look at that face. Look at that face.

This voluminous old fart depicted here.

He was like 350 pounds.

He lands at Veracuz, and he marches straight west

all the way to Mexico City, and he actually occupies

Mexico City, and so now Mexico is all discombobulated,

and a State Department envoy named Nicholas Trist,

he negotiates the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo,

which, thank God, ended wars between the United States

and Mexico, but was also one of the biggest real estate deals

in history because we agreed to -- we paid millions

in war reparations 'cause we kind of started that,

plus we paid millions more to buy Mexican land because

we ended up owning not just Texas, but New Mexico, Arizona,

California, Colorado, Nevada, Utah, and Wyoming,

part of Wyoming, so...

-This is all really, really interesting, but I would rather

be watching the dude in the dinosaur pajamas right now.

-Alright. I'm almost done.

I'm gonna tell you a beautiful thing about Cinco De Mayo.

All these people living out west,

they go to sleep in one country.

They either Mexico or Texas.

They wake up the next day, they're in another country.

They're in the United States.

But most of them speak Spanish.

And so the United States tells them,

"Okay, you got one year to decide."

You want to be an American citizen or a Mexican citizen?

If you stay where you are, you become American forever.

And so their hearts are with Mexico, but they're not gonna

move from Sacramento to Guadalajara

just for that, you know?

So they stay in the U.S., but they form these associations,

these friendship associations with Mexico called

Juntas Patrioticas Mejicanas.

And these huge in the west for many years.

And when these people get word, in 1862,

that the French army has landed at Veracruz and is marching on

Mexico City, but the people of Puebla are resisting

the French army and Zaragoza is pasting their hineys,

they go nuts because Puebla did not resist when the obese

American general Winfield Scott came through there.

You know, they got humiliated by our asshole that we sent

down there, and so they end up celebrating

because the people of Puebla did rise up

and they fought off the French.

And they ended up celebrating this holiday every year.

Americans.

But Americans whose hearts are with Mexico.

And then the final boost for Cinco de Mayo comes in 1975

when this guy, Joseph Coors,

decides to start sponsoring

Cinco de Mayo celebrations in bars.

Now, why would he do that?

Because Coors Brewing Company had a minority hiring record

so bad, and a reputation for being especially mean to

Mexican-Americans, that they were actually boycotted for more

than 20 years, they were sued by

the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission,

even though they were based in one of those states that

we bought from Mexico in 1848.

That led to other beer companies -- so they were trying

to rehabilitate their image.

You know, that led to other beer companies trying to get in

on the Cinco De Mayo action, and that resulted today

in everybody getting drunk and partying on Cinco De Mayo.

-Wow. Are you happy with yourself?

-Yes, I just wanted to make it clear that Cinco De Mayo

is a product of -- A -- American imperialism,

and -- B -- beer companies trying to act like

they love Mexicans.

-Okay. Awesome. -Alright.

So now high school students in Florida will be banned

from watching "The Last Drive-In."

-What? Why? What are you talking about?

-We're teaching an alternate view of American history.

-Can we watch the movie now?

-Yes, we can. Back to the movie.

What we did was kind of like a Mafia move.

I was like, "Okay, I know I killed your brother

and your sister and she's being held hostage down at the docks.

But I really want to make peace. Let's stop fighting.

And also I kind of like that delicatessen you own in

Brooklyn, and that restaurant that overlooks the river,

and that coat you're wearing.

So I'll give you a thousand dollars for all of it.

So -- And, hey, you know what?

I like you, so you can keep Baja California.

Okay, cool. Peace."

And that's basically what we did to Mexico.

-They don't like it when we get political.

-Oh, yeah, sorry. Alright.

-Manifest Destiny, baby!

Reprint those textbooks from 1955!

-Now what are you doing?

-Being a smartass.

-Yeah, that's what I thought.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

-For the first time in your life, Fred,

will you please listen to me?

It's not me that needs your help!

It's your son.

Well, he's been having these weird visions,

and the doctor even told me he should see a psychiatrist.

Listen, Fred.

I want you to come and see him right now.

What do you mean next week?

I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

Your son is going crazy, and you're telling me

that you are too busy?

[Scoffs] Like I give a damn about your business.

It's your son we're talking about.

All right, Fred. All right.

If you've got more important things to do, go ahead.

Do what you want, but if something happens to Mike,

don't blame me.

[Receiver clicks]

[Thunder crashes]

[Woman on TV gasps]

[Woman on TV screams]

[Suspenseful music]

[Gun fires]

[Woman on TV screams]

[TV audience cheers]

[Laser guns fire]

-Use the old science fiction device of thrusting us

into a kind of a future devastated world.

I really am fascinated by...

[Jet engine roars]

[Telephone rings]

[Ringing continues]

[Tires screech]

[Man on TV laughs]

[Ringing continues]

[Suspenseful music]

[Ringing]

[Engines roar]

[Ringing]

-Hello?

Hello?

Is anybody there?

Hello?

[Tires screech]

-Alex, I'm sorry.

[Grunting]

Acting like you're crazy! [Grunts]

[Clattering]

[Grunts]

Shit!

[Grunts]

[Engine roars]

I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy!

[Clattering]

-Yesterday night, Debbie White,

a high school student, was murdered in her own home.

The murder was committed between midnight

and 1:00 in the morning.

Her body was stabbed 13 times.

This crime appears to have some connection

with the slaying of Peter Fleming,

a high school companion who was killed last night

not far from here.

Here we have Lieutenant Velazco,

who is in charge of the investigation.

Lieutenant, what seems to be the connection

between the murders of Peter Fleming and Debbie White?

-Well, both victims were killed in the same manner.

So that leads us to believe that one person is responsible

for both crimes, you see?

-While the police department keeps looking

for answers, there is a murderer running loose

somewhere in the city.

Bob West.

[Telephone rings]

[Ringing continues]

-Come on, Tony. Pick it up, man.

[Ringing]

-You must warn her.

You must take her out of the city before midnight.

Before midnight.

Midnight. Midnight.

Midnight.

[Sirens wail]

Cristy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Doorbell rings]

[Crickets chirp]

John.

-Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

Mr. Romeo.

-Is Cristy here?

-What?

-Cristy, man. I gotta speak to her.

-Listen, fucking asshole.

I'm getting sick and tired of you.

What the fuck do you want with my sister, huh?

-She's in trouble, man.

-Yeah, she's in trouble.

The only person who's in trouble here is you.

Get the fuck out of here right now.

-John, you're gonna think I'm crazy, man,

but someone wants to hurt her.

-Crazy, man?

No kidding.

Just look at you.

Just look at you, you lousy maniac.

Get outta here.

Out.

-John, you gotta save her. -Look, man.

You don't fool around with my sister.

You don't fool around with my house.

You don't fuck around with me. Okay?

-Wait, man.

John!

They're gonna kill her, man!

John!

John!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

John, you gotta save her!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Nurse, nurse.

I need to talk to Cristy Higgins.

I think she works here.

-I'm sorry, but you can't come in without an authorization.

-Please, I gotta talk to Cristy Higgins.

-If you want, you can leave her a message,

but, unfortunately, you can't go inside.

[Telephone ringing]

Front desk.

Yes.

Of course.

♪♪

I'll call you back.

[Receiver clacks]

♪♪

Security.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Glass shatters]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Snarling]

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

-Hey, watch where you're going.

-Sorry.

Do you know where the lab is?

-Third floor.

-Left or right?

-Use the stairs on your right.

-Thanks.

♪♪

♪♪

-[Snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

-Alright, kid, the game's over.

Central, I've got our man.

I'm at checkpoint two.

Let's go, kid.

-Officer, you gotta help me.

They're trying to kill someone in the lab.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the lab?

-Cristy Higgins -- someone's trying to kill her.

Officer, you gotta save her.

-Right. I'll tell you what, kid.

I'll call the lab and check it out, okay?

Come with me.

-Okay.

-Stay here, okay?

♪♪

♪♪

[Telephone ringing]

♪♪

[Glass shatters]

[Ringing continues]

♪♪

-Please, get this young man out of here, right now.

-Let's go, kid.

♪♪

-Leave me alone. Let me go.

♪♪

-What are you waiting for?

-Mm, nothing. I'm coming.

♪♪

-Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

-[Snarling] -[Screams]

-Leave me alone. No.

-[Snarling]

♪♪

-You gotta save Cristy. Please listen to me.

-[Crying]

♪♪

-No!

-I don't know what made you think

you could just walk in like that.

[Elevator door squeaks]

[Cart rattles]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

-What's going on?

-I don't know. -[Scoffs]

-[Screams]

Alan.

-Sam, you better get over here, fast.

-10-4.

-Where are you going?

Guard!

Hey!

[Clattering]

-[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Snarling]

♪♪

Michael.

♪♪

Remember me?

♪♪

-Tony?

♪♪

Why?

♪♪

♪♪

Why are you running, Michael?

♪♪

I'm Tony, your best friend.

♪♪

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Crickets chirp]

-Michael.

What on Earth are you doing there?

Oh, my God.

Don't jump, baby.

Come, darling. Please, baby.

Give me your hand. -No, Mom.

-Come down. -Mom, it's not what you think.

-Are you okay? -I'm fine, Mom.

-Are you alright? You're not hurt?

-Yes, Mom. -Oh, baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, what happened here?

-Mom, it's not what you think. You gotta listen to me.

You remember the visions I told you about?

They're real.

Tony, my friend, he's been killing people.

Mom, you gotta listen to me.

Tony, he's gone nuts.

He killed Cristy, Debbie, and then Pete.

He's gonna kill me too, Mom. You gotta listen to me.

-Yes, I hear you, baby. -He's gone nuts.

-Yes, are you okay? -Mom...

-Are you okay? -...I'm fine.

-Now, stay right here, don't move, and I'll be right back.

-Mom, listen to me.

He's gonna kill me.

-I'll be right back, baby. Don't move.

-Shit.

-Dr. Warren, this is Mrs. Smith.

It's Michael. He's gotten worse.

Can you come right away?

Thank you.

[Receiver clacks]

[Static crackles]

-I love it when Michael goes psycho

and starts trashing his room.

He throws some jockstraps at a model on a poster,

he flings his toy cars onto the bed,

and he knocks over a whole can of pencils

while screaming, "I'm not crazy."

Meanwhile, how did Virgil, the Ouija-board demon --

well, let's start with that.

Why does the satanic figure choose Virgil as a name?

And, anyway, how does Virgil end up inside the body of Tony?

And why does Virgil have to kill all Michael's friends?

'Cause they were all at the party?

You know, and why is there a magic dagger?

When did the magic-dagger subplot start?

[Laughter]

And, oh, yeah -- and if Cristy

is one of Michael's fellow high-school students,

what's she doing working as a nurse in the hospital at night?

Is she still going to high school

because that nursing degree is something you get

in junior high in Mexico? [Laughter]

I mean, um, Cristy's brother, by the way, the disagreeable John,

was making his acting debut in this movie --

Roberto Palazuelos --

but he would become very famous in Mexico.

First, he starred in many telenovelas,

uh, frequently as the bad guy, and then he was a, um --

or he isa famous hotel owner in beach towns like Tulum

and Cancún and Acapulco.

And, um, in 2001 he was involved in a gunfight in a parking lot

where two people were killed, but he said it wasn't his fault,

because, "A group of people were coming to shoot us

and so we killed two of them first."

Which I guess is something that happens

when you're a hotel owner in Mexico.

Okay, Darcy, you will be happy to know

that I'm switching gears,

and we're going to start celebrating

the food of Mexico... -Okay.

-...as opposed to the military history of Mexico,

because I love Mexican food, and, um...

I take it by your failure to say, "Yay," to that

that you -- you don't love Mexican food?

-I mean, yay to switching gears.

I'm just -- there's not a whole lot of Mexican food I can eat.

-Well, I've seen you eat guacamole.

That's a -- That's an iconic Mexican food.

-True. I love avocados.

-And, um, Mexican cooks put avocados in everything.

But the particular food I want to honor at this break

is the foundation food of all Mexican cuisine.

Which would be? You wanna guess?

-No idea.

-The tamale.

-Gross.

[Laughter]

-Uh, when I was growing up, that was the main thing you ate

at a Mexican restaurant.

And then I think they got tired of making them.

I mean, doesn't it take 24 hours to do tamales?

-I have no idea.

-Anyway, the tamale -- I'm saying it wrong, actually.

The tamal -- tamales is the plural.

The tamal goes back to the Aztecs.

Food of the Gods, especially the corn God,

because, as we all know, the tamal is wrapped in a corn husk,

and -- well, most of us know that.

'Cause remember The -- The Great Tamale scandal of 1976?

You -- You weren't born yet.

But Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter were campaigning for president.

Gerald Ford came to San Antonio, and he was photographed

trying to eat a tamale with the corn husk still on it,

which I interpreted as badass, you know?

"He -- He's gonna chew --

He's gonna chew through that fucking husk," you know?

But the press regarded him as clueless for doing that,

And I guess they were right, 'cause he --

he was from Michigan.

I mean, maybe they don't have tamales in Michigan.

I don't know, but I -- I think they have corn in Michigan,

you know, so I assume he's seen a husk.

But, uh, many people say that he lost the election

as a result of that -- that moment, you know?

Uh, lost the Mexican vote.

So, anyway, that's how important tamales are

to the Mexican people.

I love tamales. They're hard to find

where I live, though. -Gross.

-You know, you -- you can put all kinds of stuff

inside a tamale.

It d-- It doesn't have to be pork.

Um, although I think pork is the preferred tamale ingredient.

-Gross. Gross. -But the process of making

a tamale, and it's all about that dough.

You know, it's not bread, it's corn that the Aztecs figured out

how to turn corn into dough,

and, uh, you gotta boil the corn in lime juice,

you gotta cook it, you gotta steam it in that husk,

you know, steep it, wash it, grind it.

You actually change the chemical composition of it

so it becomes masa,

which is much healthier than bread, you know,

and -- and then you can put anything inside it,

like fruits, vegetables, herbs.

I'd be willing to bet that tamales can be vegan.

-Gross. No.

-Alright, thank you for your evaluation

of a cooking technique that has evolved

over the past 8,000 years, Darcy,

and is central to the Mexican culture.

Okay, back to the movie.

-Yay.

-I think you've just had bad experiences with tamales.

-Well, yeah, 'cause you know what?

I think I just realized you're not supposed to eat

that outside part. [Laughter]

I literally -- that's what I thought. Sorry.

-Then you've never had a tamale, I guess.

-I tr-- I've eaten that stuff. -Alright.

So you were just like Gerald Ford.

You did -- You did a Gerald Ford.

-Yeah, that's what made me realize it.

-Alright, so that's why it didn't taste that great.

-That's gross. [Chuckles] -Okay.

But it's what's on the inside --

-And, plus, they all just are all meat, though, right?

-Well, you don't have to put chicken or pork or beef in.

Uh, you could put mushrooms in a tamale.

-What kind of mushrooms?

-They have those in Mexico.

-Alright, mushroom tamales? I'll give it a shot.

-Okay. -Without that.

-They probably have peyote tamales,

but I-I don't wanna promise anything.

-I'm good either way.

-Okay.

♪♪

[Static crackles]

-Alright, Michael, this won't hurt too much.

-Why don't you just call the hospital?

They'll tell you it's true.

-Calm down, Michael.

Don't be afraid. You'll see, Son.

Everything will turn out alright.

Come on, Michael. -I'll calm down,

but I don't want that in me.

-Come on. That's it, Michael.

You have to have it. You need it, baby.

Come on. Take it easy, baby, calm down.

-Will you roll up his sleeve, Mrs. Smith, please?

That's it, baby. It's gonna be okay.

-Now, this won't hurt you if you don't move.

-[Exhales sharply]

-Just bend the arm. That's it.

-Mom, I'm scared.

-What are you scared of, darling?

-He's after me. He's gonna get me.

-Don't worry, baby. I won't let anybody hurt you.

[Crickets chirping]

[Dog barking in distance]

-I came as soon as I could.

How is he?

-He's fine.

He doesn't need you anymore.

-Wait a minute.

Don't blame me for your mistakes.

It's your fault Michael's the way he is.

How do you expect anyone to be sane

living with an alcoholic?

If you would've let him stay with me,

he would've grown up to be a normal human being.

Just look at this.

No wonder Michael has problems.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-You wanna hear something?

You've never been here when Michael needed you.

He doesn't have a father, and he knows it.

-What do you mean he hasn't got a father?

♪♪

-I've kept my end of the bargain.

What about all the money I've sent you?

I bet you spent every Goddamn cent on booze.

♪♪

-Here's your Goddamn end of the bargain.

We've never needed your money.

♪♪

-Come on. Get up, you bastard.

Come on, wake up.

Hey.

Oh, shit.

-You're so damn proud.

You won't even spend the money for Michael's good.

-You think that money makes you a father? Ha.

You couldn't even make it for his birthday.

-I have my responsibilities to the corporation.

What the hell do you expect me to do,

drop a million-dollar deal

just to come here to a birthday party?

You'd like to see me fail, wouldn't you?

-I'm tired of all your stupid excuses.

It looks like you're never gonna show

any love for your own son.

[Crickets chirp]

[Engine starts]

[Engine revs]

[Birds chirping]

Good morning, Michael.

I brought you breakfast.

You're going to feel great when you eat this.

Michael?

♪♪

[Sighs]

Michael.

[Chirping continues]

-John. What's wrong, man?

-Dying time, wimp.

-Take it easy, man.

-Okay, you bastard.

Before I blow your brains out, you're gonna tell me

how the fuck you knew someone was gonna kill Cristy.

-I had a vision, man.

That's what I tried to warn you about.

I tried to help her.

-Yeah, to help her?

Who the fuck is gonna save younow?

Huh? You went to the hospital,

and you killed her, motherfucker.

-It wasn't me, man. It was Tony.

-Who the fuck is Tony? -Tony Ramirez, man.

-I don't believe you, you fucking liar.

-Come on, man. It was Tony. -Oh, yeah, sure.

-Shit. Kill me, then.

He's gonna kill more people, damn it.

-These are his photographs.

-Something else?

-He was wearing his pajamas.

He had no shoes on.

There's nothing missing from his closet.

He was under heavy sedation.

I don't know how he could go anywhere.

-Mrs. Smith?

-Yes?

-Can I have a word with you?

I'm Lieutenant Velazco.

Listen, last night, a boy that fits Michael's description

was seen at the Central Hospital.

And the officer stated that he tried to warn them

about a possible murder,

but, unfortunately, they didn't believe him.

So a few minutes later, Cristy Higgins,

an 18-year old girl, was murdered there.

♪♪

You go first.

♪♪

-Shit.

♪♪

-Don't you think we should let the cops handle this?

[Clanging] -Where's the motherfucker?

Nerd, I'm talking to you.

-I don't know, man. He's not here.

-He's not in, huh? Well, it doesn't matter.

This baby and I are gonna be waiting for him, right here.

-Alexandra? -Yes?

-I'm Lieutenant Velazco.

-Listen, I'm looking for a guy called Michael Smith,

and you know him, right?

-Yeah.

He's my friend.

Why?

-Well, Michael is in trouble, and I'm trying to help him.

So I thought maybe you could tell me where he might be.

All I know is he hasn't come to school in two days.

Two days. Huh?

Well, listen.

If you happen to come across anything

that you think could help me find him,

would you please call me?

-Yes, I will.

-Okay. Thank you.

[Girls laughing and speaking Spanish]

♪♪

-Hey, nerd. Get me a beer.

Come on.

[Girls scream]

♪♪

-John? -What?

-Do you believe in supernatural?

-Of course not. Come on.

♪♪

-It's how I found out about your sister.

I had a vision where she was killed.

-Bullshit.

♪♪

♪♪

[Girls speaking Spanish]

♪♪

[Girls scream]

♪♪

-So you call bullshit?

[Screaming continues]

I don't care what you say, man.

We're in the middle of this shit,

and that's bullshit.

♪♪

I'm not gonna stick around here.

-Hey, man. Shut up, okay? You got me nervous.

Don't talk about that thing, okay?

Geez, man.

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

[Static crackles]

[Creaking]

[Creaking continues]

-Michael.

Remember the Ouija board?

Virgil is doing the killing.

Michael.

This time, you have to stop him.

Don't fail.

Robert's the next to die.

-What the fuck is that?

-Find Virgil.

Take the dagger, and use it to kill him.

-Who are you? What do you want from me?

-I'm Tony, and I need your help.

-You're not Tony. Tony tried to kill me yesterday.

-No, it wasn't me.

What you saw was only my body, possessed by Virgil.

Somehow, he has taken control of my body.

-If you're Tony, prove it to me.

-Alright.

"If you really love her, then give it to her,

and tell her, as long as love exists between you two,

the rose will never wither."

♪♪

♪♪

Hurry up. Robert needs you.

-Okay, Tony.

Okay.

-Find the dagger, and be careful.

The eclipse is more powerful than you know.

-Come on. We gotta go. [Static crackling]

-Wait.

Do you know how to use this?

[Static crackles]

-So, that special effect, where the face comes out of the TV,

that's courtesy of Screaming Mad George,

the guy who did all the effects for "Society"

and he did some of the effects for "Bride of Re-Animator,"

and it's interesting how Rubén Galindo Jr.

hooked up with the horror-effects guys from L.A.

In the '70s, Rubén Galindo Jr., he's growing up in Mexico City,

he likes animals, he wants to be a veterinarian.

He's a fan of computers.

He thinks maybe he'll become a robotics engineer,

but then, in his teen years, he falls in love

with all the American horror classics

like "The Shining" and "Body Double"

and "Halloween," so when he turns 18,

his dad says, "Have you decided yet

what you want to do with your life?"

And he says, "I want to become a filmmaker like you."

So what dad can resist that?

So his dad hooks him up with a friend who teaches at UCLA

and he says, "You don't have to get a degree there,

but just go to L.A., audit some classes,

hang out with some filmmakers."

And so that's what he did, and he met Rick Baker

and some of the people working with Rick Baker,

including Screaming Mad George, and he used those guys

for his first film in 1983, "Cemetery of Terror."

So on the first shooting day of his very first movie,

his dad, proud father, comes to the set, and he says,

"So, Son, how many minutes have you shot today?"

And Rubén Jr. says "Well, actually,

we're doing special-effects shots, Dad,

so 19 seconds," and his dad screams at him.

But -- But he ended up making three films, um, in this format

of shooting in both Spanish and English,

budgets of about $300,000 for each of them,

and he wasn't necessarily trying to sell them in America --

or even sell -- sell them in Mexico.

He was trying to sell them

in all the other countries of the world who put extra value

on films that have English-speaking actors.

He wanted them to be "a little bit American,"

and, uh, that strategy worked well for him,

especially in Asia.

And, of course, since his father and grandfather

were in the Mexican movie business,

he was able to get people like Helena Rojo to work with him.

She plays the alcoholic mom. She was a huge star.

Um, and whenever you see the characters watching TV,

they're usually watching "Cemetery of Terror,"

his previous movie, but when the movie's a western,

they're watching one of the films of Rubén Galindo Sr.

Okay, Darcy, here's your question for --

for this break. -Okay.

What's the second-most iconic Mexican food, after the tamale?

-Um...the taco?

-Uh, that's a good guess, but I'm gonna disagree with you.

-Okay.

-Second-most iconic Mexican food is...

menudo.

-I've never had that.

-You would never eat it. [Laughter]

Actually, I would never eat it.

You -- [Chuckles]

You start with cow stomach. -You do not.

-Yes, and you cook the cow stomach in a special way

for at least seven hours, and, actually, entire villages gather

to communally c-cook -- cook the menudo

and, uh, they add their own special flavors

to the, uh, stomach sauce -- -Stomach sauce?

[Laughter] -The mole de panza.

And it goes in this giant soup bowl

with red chili peppers and -- and cilantro and lime juice.

And if you're in northern Mexico --

that's the part of Mexico I'm familiar with,

Chihuahua, Tamaulipas, Nuevo León.

You cook the cow stomach with the feet and the tendons.

You add the feet and the tendons to the mix.

So that's gonna take much longer than seven hours,

and you need to coat all the cow parts

with guajillo red chili paste.

-Oh, my God. Are you almost done with this?

-Darcy, I know you scoff at any beef product,

but community menudo parties

go back hundreds of years in Mexico.

These people know their cattle.

And, you know, people talk about how big the King Ranch is,

or the -- or 6666 Ranch,

but in Mexico they've still got million-acre unfenced ranches

out there in the Chihuahuan Desert.

Anyway, I was gonna ask you to sample some menudo with me...

-[Laughs] No thank you. -...but we could also --

if we wanna go a little more exotic, we could try...

the posole.

That's a goat head in a hominy broth.

-Oh, my God. Are you trying to gross us out?

-Uh, only four hours of cooking for -- for the goat head, so --

-Oh, my God. Awesome. -So y-you want the head

to be crispy when you dig in.

-Stop it.

-Alright, back to the movie.

[Chuckles]

But let's drink a toast to menudo.

-I will not. No. [Laughter]

-Okay, let's drink --

then let's drink to the goat head soup.

You got to admit that's -- -I am not drinking to that, no.

-Alright.

Let's drink to a kale salad.

-[Laughing] Kale -- Okay.

-They have kale salads in Mexico.

-[Laughing] Okay, yes.

-Let's make it a kale and quinoa salad, with avocados.

-Yeah. -Viva La Mexico.

[Laughter]

♪♪

Ah.

-Is there more of this?

-[Chuckling] What, more Tequila?

-No, more gross-out food crap.

-Oh, there's always more, Darcy.

You know, there-- there's always more.

-[Sighs] [Laughter]

♪♪

[Static crackles]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

We're in this together, man.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-This door shouldn't be open.

♪♪

♪♪

-Robert.

-I guess we got here too late, huh?

So? Is he dead?

-He's drunk. Let's get him outta here.

Come on.

-Hey, man. What's the trip?

Where we going, man?

Hey, whoa, man.

Where we going, man?

Hey.

[Crickets chirping]

Hey, man, what's going on? Where you taking me, man?

Shut up.

-Wait, wait, wait-wait-wait-wait.

Where you guys taking me, man?

-Cool down, Bobby.

-No, no, no. I wanna know right now, man.

I don't even have my fucking pants on, man.

Look, it's freezing. Shit.

-Shut up, man, or I'm gonna kick your ass.

Get in the car. -Okay, okay. It's cool, man.

I-I got a better idea.

I'll go get my pants, then I'll be right back, okay?

-Listen to me.

You get in the car. -John, John, calm down, man.

Calm down.

I'll get his pants. -Okay, okay.

-Cool it, man. -You, shut up.

Either you get in the car, or I'll shove you in the damn car.

-Alright, alright.

Okay, okay. -Come on, get in.

-Alright. You should've asked me that in the beginning.

-Get in the car. -Shit.

♪♪

-Shit.

♪♪

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

-Look, Stay right there. Don't move, okay?

[Chirping continues]

-Shithead.

-Don't shoot. Don't shoot, man.

I got no money.

-[Whistling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, thanks a lot.

How much do I owe you?

-It's nothin', man.

♪♪

-[Whistling]

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Groans]

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Gasps]

♪♪

-Great. Thanks again, man.

♪♪

-John.

♪♪

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

John!

[Grunts]

John! John!

John, get out of the car, man!

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

♪♪

-Shit.

-John!

Watch out!

Get out of the car!

He's in there!

Hurry!

-[Roars]

Do you believe in Satan?

[Laughs]

-What's goin' on?! Where is he?!

-John, he's there!

-Where?!

Get over here!

-I can't. I can't see.

-I don't see him!

-Be careful.

♪♪

-Where is he, God damn it?!

-Hi, Johnny.

♪♪

♪♪

-Michael, can you see him?

Michael.

♪♪

-John?

-I got him!

I got him.

I got the bastard.

♪♪

-Don't!

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

♪♪

-[Snarls]

♪♪

[Engine starts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gunshot]

-[Snarls]

♪♪

♪♪

[Tires screech]

-Freeze. Police.

Drop the gun.

[Gun clunks]

-Come here, Charlie face.

-Officer, they're trying to kill me.

-Who's trying to kill you?

-The red car.

-What red car?

[Tires screech]

Whoever's in the car, come out.

That's an order.

George? -Stay there, kid.

♪♪

-Oh, my God.

♪♪

You better get some help.

-Right.

♪♪

-Hey, Billy, the kid's gone.

[Static crackles]

♪♪

-Ah.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Darcy, but...

[Laughter]

[sighs] whenever Michael's eyes turn red [sighs]

it means he's seeing through the eyes of the killer,

who is Tony... [Laughter]

...who is possessed by Virgil,

who is Satan,

who looks like Freddy Krueger,

but it also means he's blind

and so he's bouncing against the walls

and stumbling down the street.

So even if he's headed in the direction

of the murder-in-progress, he'll be worthless when he gets there.

Is that correct?

-Sounds good to me. -Does it bother you

that it's such an obvious ripoff of "Nightmare on Elm Street"?

-No, 'cause that kill

with the dagger up through the chin, it's awesome.

-Oh, that's true. That's one of the "Don't Panic" highlights.

-Yeah. -Um, you have to remember,

Rubén Galindo Jr. was working in a vacuum.

There were no horror films in Mexico in the '80s.

Everything was either action films or comedies,

so he was creating the market for horror,

and he was a little naive.

There's a sweetness at the core of this movie

that you would never find in a youth-market American movie

in the '80s.

That thing with the rose and the rowboats in the park,

and the balloons and the pajamas --

Michael may be the worst-equipped devil fighter

in the history of film.

I mean, he -- he doesn't even go get a priest

to help out with the supernatural stuff.

You would expect a Mexican to go get a priest, right?

Alright. Okay, Darcy. -Hm?

-Uh, we're gonna do an easy one this time.

Uh, what is the one Mexican food

that virtually every American has tasted

but not every Mexican?

-Is this a riddle?

We have a snack food that was invented in America

to look and sound Mexican, but it was never made in Mexico,

and, for a long time, it was not even sold in Mexico.

-Doritos.

-That is close, actually.

Uh, but before Doritos, there were...

Fritos. -[Chuckles]

-Uh, in fact, how c-- that's ano--

that's a good point, though, you make, Darcy.

Like, how come you can find Doritos everywhere

but sometimes you can't find Fritos?

That's the original Mexican-themed snack?

This may be the best example of cross-cultural cooperation

between the two countries

'cause this guy

named Charles Doolin invented the Frito in 1932

at the Highland Park Confectionery in San Antonio.

Actually, I take that back.

Charles Doolin bought the recipe for Fritos

from, um, Gustavo Olguin,

who was from the Mexican state of Oaxaca.

So it really -- so the recipe comes from Oaxaca.

Um, Gustavo sold it for 100 bucks,

and, uh, Charles Doolin started making Fritos in his kitchen,

and, by the '50s, it was so big

they had a Fritos restaurant at Disneyland

when Walt Disney -- the very first day

when Walt Disney first opened Disneyland.

Uh, Doritos didn't come along until 1964,

so, once again, an iconic Mexican-American food

derived from the corn God, because that is a corn chip.

-But it's not really Mexican.

-That's true. It pretended to be Mexican.

Remember the Frito Bandito?

Did you ever see the Frito Bandito?

Uh, before your time.

The Frito Bandito was a commercial campaign that was --

they retired it because they said

it was an unfair depiction of Mexicans...

-Mm. -...'cause, of course,

there are no banditos in Mexico,

there's no robberies... -Shh.

-...or guys with guns down in Mexico.

That never happens.

Uh, the -- but the Frito-Lay corporation, um, just --

they -- they -- they withdrew that from circulation.

Anyway, I think it's time to go back to the movie

before we get in trouble. -Before youget in trouble.

-Alright, back to the movie.

And, um...

you know, also, there's Tostitos.

Those are also made by Frito-Lay.

All three of them are made by the same company.

What's the difference between a Frito, a Dorito, and a Tostito?

♪♪

-Are you asking me? -Yeah, what --

what's the difference? I mean, Frito, Dorito --

-Different levels of excessive salt.

-Uh, now, it's funny you say that

'cause Charles Doolin, the inventor,

he never ate Fritos himself.

He was a clean-food nut, just like you,

and he never ate meat or salt.

-He's a very smart man. -Alright.

And yet he introduced an addictive salty snack

into the marketplace.

He -- He was the Pablo Escobar of snack foods.

-Pablo Escobar was Colombian.

-Mm. You're right.

Okay, he was the El Chapo of snack foods.

-I can't believe we're talking about this right now.

-Right, like we normally talk about nuclear fusion.

-You wouldtalk about nucul--

nuclear fusion. -Alright, next week.

I'm gonna talk about nuclear fusion next week...

-I'm sure you will. -...but right now,

grab one, Darcy. -Mm.

-Grab a shot. -I'm good.

-Grab a shot. -Oh, my God.

-Grab a shot. One more shot. -Okay.

-Alright. Viva la Mexico.

-Whee! [Chuckles]

-Mm.

♪♪

[Both sigh]

♪♪

-This is the first movie still.

-That wasn't what I meant to say.

Grab one more.

-[Laughing] No.

-Grab one more.

Alright, don't profane the holiday.

One more shot. You got to keep doing shots on, you know...

Alright. -Okay.

-Viva Cinco de Mayo.

-Oh, my God.

♪♪

-I'm getting light-headed from this, I hope you know.

-[Sighs] Finally.

-[Chuckles]

-I wonder if El Chapo...

♪♪

I wonder if El Chapo eats Fritos,

because he would be the ultimate Frito Bandito.

-Right?

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static crackles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I told you.

I told you.

I told you.

[Distorted chatter]

♪♪

I told you.

Your best friend.

[Distorted chatter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughter]

[Distorted chatter]

♪♪

-Help me!

Michael, help me, help me!

-♪ Don't panic

-[Distorted chatter]

-♪ Don't panic

♪♪

♪ Don't panic

♪♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't panic

-So what about the business?

Is it going to be worldwide or nationwide?

-It'll be worldwide. -Good.

Thank you.

-Michael.

-Do you know this young man?

-Yes.

He's a friend from school.

-Excuse me, Senator.

Alex, I want him out of here.

Now.

-[Speaks Spanish]

-The Senator says you should have him for dinner.

-Dinner?

Sure.

Why not?

-No, really, I can't stay.

I-I'd just like to speak to Alex for a second.

-Sit down...

-Seriously, I --

-...and tell us about it.

Well?

-I'd like to --

-Aren't you going to offer him some wine?

-Walter?

Please.

-Salut. -Well, cheers.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

-[Snarling]

-What the hell is he doing?

-Stop it.

Michael, stop it!

-What the hell do you think you're doing?

-Please, Michael. Stop it.

-[Snarling]

-Alex, come on.

Let's go.

I'll explain to you later.

Let's go.

-Where the hell do you think you're taking my daughter?!

Alex, come back! -What's going on?

-Tony's trying to kill you. -Kill me?

-Just don't ask questions. Get in the car.

[Engine starts]

[Engine revs]

-What do you mean Tony's trying to kill me?

-Remember the night we played with the Ouija board?

-Yeah.

-Okay, well, he got possessed.

He's killing people, and now he's trying to kill you.

-But why me?

-Because you were there. Don't you understand?

We're the only ones left.

[Tires screech, engine shuts off]

[Crickets chirp]

-So what are we supposed to be looking for?

-It's a weird knife.

You'll -- You'll know when you see it.

It's got, like, demon marks on it.

I saw him throw it out around here.

♪♪

-Mike.

-I found it.

♪♪

-Drop that knife, Michael.

♪♪

You better drop it.

♪♪

-Let's go.

Run!

♪♪

♪♪

-Through here.

♪♪

♪♪

-So... -[Screams]

♪♪

-You want me to play games?

Good.

I like games.

♪♪

-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

-Go.

I'm not coming. Just go.

-What do you mean, go? What about you?

-I can't. Just go.

-I can't go without you.

-Go!

Alex...

...I love you.

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Over here.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You should not have played with the Ouija board, Michael.

♪♪

-[Exhales sharply]

♪♪

[Exhales sharply]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

Okay, Virgil.

If you're so Goddamn strong,

come and get me.

-You bet I will.

♪♪

-So we're gonna play, huh?

Okay.

Come on.

Let's play.

♪♪

♪♪

Alright.

Play. Come on.

-This is it, Michael.

Time to visit hell.

-[Grunts]

♪♪

-[Shrieking]

♪♪

[Shrieking continues]

♪♪

Michael.

You did it.

I'm back.

It's me.

[Groans]

Jesus.

I can't feel my legs, man.

-Tony?

-Just...

Just go.

Don't watch me die.

-Tony.

-[Laughs maniacally]

April Fools, sucker.

[Laughs maniacally] -[Groans]

♪♪

[Groans] -[Laughing continues]

♪♪

-[Groans]

♪♪

-Alex!

The knife!

Get the knife!

[Groaning]

♪♪

Stab him!

[Groans]

♪♪

-You're my bitch.

♪♪

Don't fuck with me.

♪♪

Get away, bitch.

Don't get close to me.

[Growls]

♪♪

[Roars]

♪♪

Michael.

Michael?

Michael.

-I'm sorry, baby.

-[Crying]

Michael.

[Crying]

He can't be dead.

[Crying]

Mike.

[Crying]

♪♪

Why?

Why?

[Crying]

♪♪

Michael.

[Crying]

♪♪

-I'm sorry.

♪♪

[Gasps]

-[Crying]

♪♪

[Crying] Michael.

♪♪

[Crying] Michael.

♪♪

Michael.

[Crying]

♪♪

Please.

Mike.

♪♪

-In the name of the Father... -Michael.

-...and the Son... -Michael.

-...and the Holy Ghost.

-Michael.

-Lord Jesus, our redeemer.

You willingly gave yourself up to death

so that all people might be saved

and pass from death to a new life.

Listen to our prayers.

Look with love on your people

who mourn and pray for their dead brother.

Lord Jesus, you alone are holy and compassionate.

Forgive our brother his sins.

By dying, he opened the gates of life

for those who believe in you.

Do not let our brother be parted from you,

but by your glorious power, give him light,

joy, and peace in heaven

where you live, forever and ever.

Amen.

[Wind gusting]

♪♪

-Like the rose, Alex.

As long as we love each other,

nothing can take us apart.

There will always be an open door between us.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Playing, playing with your mind ♪

♪ Thoughts of things you'd never see ♪

♪ Don't know what's happening

♪ All you know is something is wrong, insanity ♪

♪ There's love and thunder in your bed ♪

♪ Don't go, it's over in your head ♪

♪ No place to run, no place to hide ♪

♪ Hope you'll be there in the morning ♪

♪ I better keep praying every day ♪

♪ Don't panic

♪♪

♪ Don't panic

♪♪

♪ Don't panic

♪♪

♪ Don't panic

♪♪

♪ Gee, they're thinking you're crazy ♪

♪ Watch out, you're all out of luck ♪

♪♪

[Static crackles]

-Just when you think this movie can't get more batshit crazy,

Michael runs into the middle of a formal dinner

at a Mexican senator's house

and starts shooting up the room with a handgun,

and then, in the final scene, he really does die.

I mean, Tony dies, too, but I guess Satan never dies, right?

Virgil dies, but Satan can return in a sequel.

[Both chuckle]

The sequel would be "Don't Panic 2: Panic."

[Laughter]

And when Michael is running through the streets,

and we hear the "Don't Panic" theme,

that theme was written by Michael himself,

Jon Michael Bischof, who vanished into film history

after making just four films.

Nobody's heard from him in 30 years,

although the director says he became a motorcycle racer --

I think he was already doing that when he made the movie --

and he lives in San Antonio.

Rubén Galindo Jr. said he wrote about 30 versions of the ending

and he couldn't decide how to finish the movie

and he was still revising those as he shot the film.

So the day he was supposed to shoot the final scene, um,

he woke up after not being able to sleep much at all,

he was brushing his teeth, and his father knocked on the door

and said, "Well, do you have the final scene or not?"

Because he was worried about it. [Laughter]

And, uh, Rubén Jr. said, "Dad, I've got it.

Love defies even death."

And he -- he -- he used the love story

that he had folded into the horror story.

Um, so, on March 2, 1989,

"Don't Panic" premiered at one of the largest theaters

in Mexico City,

and it played in 25 theaters in the capital

and 40 other theaters in the rest of the country,

and the tag line on the poster was, "Forget Freddy and Jason.

Virgil is the newest nightmare in town."

[Laughter]

Unfortunately, "Don't Panic" did not do as well

as Galindo's other two horror flicks, uh,

"Cemetery of Terror" and "Grave Robbers,"

and the reason at the time was that the distributor thought

it was "too scary,"

which tells you something about the level of Mexican horror

in the '80s.

But it eventually found its largest audience in Asia,

especially in Japan.

Uh, Mindie McCullum, who played Cristy,

the high school student by day, nurse by night,

the sister of John,

she went on to a wrestling career with --

um, on my old network TNT.

She was a valet to Scott Steiner on, uh, "WCW Nitro,"

and then she wrestled herself under the name Midajah,

and, um, they were just starting to put her over

when WCW went out of business.

She was actually on the final episode of "Nitro."

Uh, today she's a fitness model,

she's a personal trainer, beautician.

Now, the guy who played Tony, Juan Ignacio Aranda,

he's still making horror flicks today.

He has a recurring role in the telenovela "El Dragón."

Um, and the final girl, Gabriela Hassel,

she has had a successful television career in Mexico.

She starred in two long-running telenovelas.

She also made, um, "Holiday of Terror"

for René Cardona.

Uh, Rubén Galindo Jr. has directed 12 movies

over the years, uh,

but more important for his career,

he's produced many Mexican TV series,

and, in Mexico, television is far more important than film.

Um, three of his films in the '90s

sound really interesting to me --

uh, "Mutants from the Year 2000,"

"The Psycho Assassin," and "I Will Return to Kill Them,"

but they have never been released in the States.

He's also directed more than 50 music videos,

he's been a showrunner for some of the most popular telenovelas,

and he owns a gossipy show-biz newspaper

called "Famosos Express."

Um, and the other actor I wanted to mention was Jorge Luke,

uh, who played the no-nonsense Lieutenant Velazco --

uh, one of the most in-demand Mexican actors

for three decades, a leading man,

and then a character actor in Hollywood.

He often played villains.

Worked right up until his death in 2012.

Okay, Darcy...

what's your verdict?

-Well, everybody makes fun of the dinosaur pajamas,

but I think they're cute. [Laughter]

-Well, yeah, I mean, lots of things in the movie are "cute."

-Yeah. I mean, it's not really a great movie,

but I think it gets a lot of unfair criticism.

And it doesn't bother me

that he ripped off "Nightmare on Elm Street"

because so does, um, "Slumber Party Massacre II"

and "Sleepstalker."

There are lots of Freddy rip-offs,

and some of them are good and some of them are not so good.

-What about that sappy love story that he tacked on?

-Alright, that's a little hard to take,

but, on the whole, a lot of action, some nice kills,

and, on a low budget, I will give it three stars.

-Okay. -Check it out.

-And I understand you have some Mexican-themed mailbag.

-Oh, I do. [Both chuckle]

Okay, yes, this comes from our old pal Gringo Fantastico,

who is, like, all over our social.

He's our homey. -Yeah.

He's, like, a blogger.

Gringo Fantastic, he's a blogger and a podcaster

and an actor and -- -He works with Troma, too.

At one time, he was really a -- he worked at Troma?

At one time, he was really a luchador, right,

a-a masked wrestler in Mexico. -Yes.

Well, I don't know if it was in Mexico or not,

but he was, like, a Mexican-style wrestler.

-Okay, good choice. -Yay.

-"Dear Joe Bob and Darcy, it is Cinco de Mayo.

I couldn't possibly let you celebrate it

without your favorite acrophobic Luchador,

the legendary Gringo Fantastico.

Now to the somewhat serious stuff.

I wanted to let you know how much the both of you mean to me.

In fact, without Joe Bob Briggs, there is no Gringo Fantastico.

I've looked up to you for the majority of my life.

When I was an inspiring teenager at the age of 15 --

-I think he meant "aspiring." -I guess an aspiringteenager,

"at the age of 15, back then, I was only known as Nate.

I was a huge fan of 'MonsterVision.'

I attempted to win the caption contest

every single week." -Aww.

-"Your love of film inspired my love of film.

You were my Sammy Terry.

Sammy Terry is an Indiana local horror host.

I've told you this story, but I wanted to tell you again.

When the Internet was new, you allowed fans to e-mail you.

I took the chance.

I was scared, but I did it anyway.

What I didn't expect was a response,

only a few days later.

I wrote to you that your love of film

made me want to make films when I 'grew up.'

and if I ever could make a film,

it would be cool to have you be in it.

Your response floored me.

You told me that it was great that I wanted to make films

and that if I ever did to try to reach out to you."

-It's a long letter. Sorry. -It is a long letter.

-"This made my freakin' life.

It still resonates with me today.

I couldn't afford film school, so I joined the air force

so I could go after -- after my service.

And you know what? I did just that.

I received my bachelor's in film,

went on to graduate magna cum laude

with my master's in screenwriting,

and your inspiration helped shape

the person I am today, perhaps not the insane part

that hardly ever breaks kayfabe

as a masked luchador with his own movie-hosting show.

You are why I am on Troma.

I just wanted to tell you how important you've been

in my personal and professional life.

I'm forever grateful for your inspiration and kindness.

You're a shining light to those of us that were

and are trying to find out our way in the world.

We all love you."

You could edit these. Alright.

-But I just -- he sent you stuff.

-"Darcy, you are an amazing friend.

You have no idea how much your friendship means to me.

Everyday, you inspire me, everything around me.

There's no Mutant Fam without you.

You're the reason many of us have come together

and develop new friendships with like-minded people.

So enough of the sappy crap. I have enclosed

my evil bastard demon piñata." -Yes. That's why.

'Cause look. -He sent this piñata.

"Francois. Brother Raymónd.

I have stuffed him with weird crap

that will help you have a much stranger

and possibly more entertaining Cinco de Mayo.

These are things that help me.

Just dig down in that little S.O.B. and find stuff.

Francois picked out..."

I-I am so totally confused. -He put stuff --

-Francois is the name of the piñata?

-Yes, so that's -- -Or, it says,

"Hi. My name is Raymónd."

Okay. Francois is the piñata?

"Francois picked out the VHS of 'Fletch Lives.'"

Do you have a VHS of "Fl--" oh, okay.

Uh, "I picked out --" -Take it.

-"I picked out 'Frampton' --" -Okay, never mind.

-Hey, it's supposed to be in the piñata.

-But I can't fit it in there.

-"I picked out 'Frampton Comes Alive!'

because it's a real beast of an album."

[Laughter] That's in there?

-I don't know. -Okay.

-"And it seemed relevant for some reason.

Anyway, can't wait to see you again.

Oh, yeah, we ate candy -- we ate the candy in the piñata

because it immediately turns gnarly

when you place it in a demonic entity.

Learned that the hard way.

Here's to many more great times with both of you.

Imagine my making a toast

and pouring champagne down the gullet of a piñata."

Love you guys.

Sincerely, your pal..."

-[Laughing] I'm sorry.

-"...Gringo Fantastico."

-I just wanted to give you a piñata.

-Okay. -Wow.

-What -- What's -- What's his, uh, real name?

-Um, Nate. -Nate from Sharpsville, Indiana.

And -- And -- And -- And we got all this groovy stuff

that was -- -Yes.

-It was in the piñata... -Yes.

-...or there's still stuff in the piñata?

-It's, like, really nice.

-So the piñata has already been opened for us?

Can we hang it up and whack it?

-Yes, we can -- we can whack it.

-Alright, 'cause I like to whack it.

-You like to whack it, eh?

-[Chuckling] Yeah. [Laughter]

-We -- We -- We can both whack it.

Um, usually takes more than one whack.

-Alright, why don't we do that later?

-Alright, yes we should. -Little bit?

-Um, well, "Tigers Are Not Afraid"

is coming up next, and in the meantime,

this is Joe Bob Briggs for Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding you that life isn't Burger King.

You probably can't have it your way.

But the drive-in will never die.

[Laughter]

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

-Oh, my God.

You are not going there.

-Come on, why did the Mexican take Xanax?

-[Sighs] I don't know.

-Hispanic attacks.

[Laughter]

-Alright, then.

-A Mexican magician is killing it all night with his audience.

The crowd loves him.

So for his finale, he says,

"I will now vanish on the count of three."

So he raises his cape, and he says,

"Uno, dos,"

and then, poof, vanishes without a tres.

[Laughter] -So bad.

It's so bad.

[Laughs]

-What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?

♪♪

Sink-o de mayo.

[Laughter]

-That one's worse.

-One more? Here, have a drink.

Have a drink. Grab a drink.

-Okay. -One more.

I'll -- um... -Okay.

-I will do the shot if you will not make another joke right now.

-Okay, that's a deal.

-Really? Mm.

♪♪

-Ah, Mexicans have great jokes, though.

I mean, w-w-what if I told a joke

from the Mexican point of view?

-You promised.

-Just one?

-I mean, it fits what we're drin--

what -- what we're drinking.

♪♪

What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common?

♪♪

They're both fucking close to water.

[Laughter]

♪♪

-You are too proud.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static crackles]