All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.With.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S20E02.The.Beyond.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

[Static]

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

You know, before we get
into our second

Lucio Fulci movie,
and by the way.

Who does Lucio Fulci
double features?

Only we do double Lucio Fulci
double features, right?

-[Laughs]
-Yeah.

I think it's time for
the next annoying staple

of late night TV.

The Jo-- it's time
for the sketch.

It's time for the Joe Bob Briggs
repertoire company

to kick some late show heinie.
What do you think?

Absolutely.Yes, absolutely.

[Cheering]Let's do it.

And to help us out with that,
we have the beautiful

and talented star
of "Sleepaway Camp,"

our own resident mangled
dick expert,

you know who I'm talking about,
Felissa Rose!

Come on out here, Felissa!

[Cheers and applause]

Go, team!Welcome back, Felissa.

Hi.
Wow.

I have to apologize.

We just haven't had that many
dicks in the movies

that we've been
showing lately,

much less mangled dicks, I mean,
no dicks at all.

It happens. It happens.
I understand, you know?

Alright, but we need your
thespian assistance right now

for our official "Late Drive-In"
comedy sketch.

We're only going
to do this once.

I-I promise you, and we need
at least one person

who's main job
is acting.

So, how many movies have
you made, Felissa?

Um, hmm, let's see.

200 a day. No.
[Laughs]

How many?

Close to 200.

200 movies?
Wow.

Getting there.I would have guessed more,
honestly.

[Laughter]

It doesn't surprise me.
Okay.

And you've become the darling
of the horror cons.

You have done more
horror conventions

than anybody in history.

And in fact, horror --
horror con organizers now,

they don't even feel like their
con is complete

unless Felissa Rose
is there at a table.

That's so sweet.
It's my happy place.

I love connecting with everyone.
It's so nice.

How old were you when you made
"Sleepaway Camp?"

I was 13.

You were 13.
Okay.

And then the day after you
wrapped "Sleepaway Camp,"

you went to a horror
convention.

[Laughter]

I never left.

And then you've gone
to a horror convention

every week since then.

Is -- really, I mean,
seriously.

Is there a week where you're not
at a horror convention?

Not really, no.

Unless I'm here
with our family.

[Laughs]

And as you've
said many times,

sitting at the bar
of the horror convention...

[Laughs] Yeah!

...'cause you also reign
over the bars

at the horror conventions.

That's where you find me.
Yes.

Okay.

As you've said many times,
what happens at the horror con

stays at the horror con,
right?

100 percent, baby.
Yeah.

Alright. Well, thanks for being
part of the Job Bob Briggs

Repertoire theater.

[Cheers and applause]

Come on, let's do it!

[Cheering]

♪♪

So, then what happened,
John?

Well, the gate agent called
Stuff It security

because she was attempting
to smuggle

a second bag
that had no tag.

She got all the way
to the gate with that?

Why wasn't that charged
at check in?

Well, she refused to pay
the $47.

[Laughter]

How big
was the illegal bag?

It was a mesh bag containing
LEGO blocks

for her two-year-old.

Oh, and I guess she wanted
special treatment.

Yeah, she had previously
resisted the $80 charge

for printing out
boarding passes.

So, she had three people
in her party?

Yeah, three juveniles
and a baby. Ugh.

No, that should have been $100
because you can't

carry a baby on board
for free.

I'm sorry, sir.
I missed that.

Yuki, what's the carry on
charge for a baby?

$45.

[Laughter]

So, she really owed
closer to...

What does that come to,
Felissa?

Uh, that would be $135, sir,
which was collected post flight

by charging
her credit card.

Oh, good work.

Oh, and plus, the two-year-old
had an undeclared

Mickey Mask backpack,
so we got the $49 for that,

plus the inconvenience fee.

Tremendous.

How'd you resolve your end
of it, Brennan?

Well, I bear hugged her
to the ground

and then I held the LEGOs
until she paid cash.

Oh, wow.
Great job.

Good thinking on the fly.

Okay, people.
Ideas, let have them.

At this point, we're charging
additional fees for window
seats,

aisle seats and exit row seats,
but I've noticed

that there's some people
with medical conditions

that request seats close
to the toilet.

We could block those off
and put an $80 premium on them.

Why only $80?

[Laughter]

Execute that right away.

We're not charging
for entry to the toilet.

Oh.

Gold. Good thinking.

How could we overlook that?

Because why didn't they
piss in the terminal?

That's not our responsibility.

Put a $30 charge
on toilet entry.

[Pen clicks]Done.

Anybody else.

$20 every time you speak
to a flight attendant.

Make it $40 and we're done.

Overbooking.

Oh, right, I've heard about
the Yuki

overbooking plan.

How does that work?

We announce that the plan
is overbooked,

and then people
have the right to bid

to not be kicked off
the plane.

Lowest bid gets booted.

Damn, Darcy.
That is brilliant.

I wish I could take credit,
but it's all Yuki.

So we collect cash
at the gate.

Exactly.

And if you have no money,
you fly tomorrow.

[Laughter]

Yes!

And you connect through
Fort Lauderdale

even if you're starting
in Seattle.

[Laughter]

Our stock price shot up again,
and it's because

I have the best managers
in the world.

We're the world's most
profitable airline,

and the reason is our bargain
consumer prices.

That's our current L.A./New York
online bargain fare, Felissa?

$65, sir.

$65 to fly coast to coast.

Who can do that?

All: Stuff It can do that!

And do the people still think
$65 means $65?

All: Yes, they do, sir!

I love you guys!

I love you!
You know what?

Nobody has to pay for their
croissants and coffee today.

-Yeah.
-Thank you, sir.

Well, either a croissant or --
or -- or a biscuit, Yuki.

Not both, alright?Yeah.

Get both!
Get ridiculous!

You know, I love this job!

♪♪

[Chanting "Stuff It"]

[Applause]

Uh, okay.

Alright. We won't be going back
there again.

[Laughs] I hope not.

Our second movie tonight
is Lucio Fulci's

more mature horror effort, when
he stopped worrying about

exposition all together.

"The Beyond" is the sensitive
story of a New York hottie

who inherits a rundown hotel
in New Orleans

that just happens to be located
on top of one

of the seven gateways to hell.

She starts fixing it up
as charming antebellum

bed and breakfast, only to find
out that 50 years ago

a lynch mob had gone
into room 36

and beat a painter with chains
and then nailed him to the wall.

Only to discover later
that his spirit did not go

quitely into the earth
but roams through

a watery sewer in the basement
with his squadron

of demonic throat-ripping
henchman.

Sure, we've seen it before,
but have we seen it

with a vicious seeing eye
demon dog subplot

and a two-minute
tarantula attack?

I think not.

Let's look at those Drive-in
totals and get started.

We have 25 dead bodies,
41 undead bodies,

17 dead undead bodies,
one undead dog,

one lynching,
one crucifixion,

one stone-faced monster,

two canine attacks
with arterial spray,

neck ripping
and ear consumption,

Torch bearing villagers
in fedoras,

chain-link face beating,
demon moaning,

yellow-goo vomiting,
supernatural bloody hands,

acid to the face,
flesh flaying,

spike through the heart
with eyeball spearing,

blinding,
head blown off,

eye clawing,
underground blood river,

glass shards to the face,
zombie-horde wall destruction,

bleeding painting,
corpse sewing,

indoor lightning-strike,
blood lava,

metal spikes through the wrists,
eyeball rolling,

eyeball blood-squirting,
lip eating,

nose ripping,
gratuitous zombies,

gratuitous voice-of-Satan
narration,

head rolls, nose rolls,
eyeball rolls, tongue rolls,

lime fu, eyeball fu,
Lake Pontchartrain fu.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for

Catriona MacColl
as the hotel owner

with a plumbing problem
who says

she's not scared of living
at the gateway to Hell

because I've lived
in New York all my life.

David Warbeck as the hunky
doctor who says,

I'm a doctor
and I will not accept

irrational explanations.

[Laughter]

Tonino Pulci as Joe the plumber
who keeps coming back,

like no plumber ever did.

Veronica Lazar as spooky Martha,

Gianpaolo Saccarola
as spooky Arthur,

Al Cliver as the assistant
doctor for using a clever,

Sarah Keller as Emily the blind
prophetis who says,

"Go back to where you came from
and hurry.

Leave this place."

Maria Pia Marsala as the
pig-tailed urchin,

the voiceover guy who says,
"And you will face

the sea of darkness and all
therein that may be explored."

Lucio Fulci as the librarian
and the director

for doing things
the drive-in way.

Four stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

Alright.

[Laughter]

I think we've demonstrated
tonight why I

don't do talk shows.

But it's so much fun.

[Laughter]

Fabio Frizzi and his amazing
band are still with us.

Fabio, this your most
atmospheric score,

so, you know...

What does that mean,
atmospheric score?

So play us something
atmospheric.

[Mid-temp atmospheric
music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

[Jazzy music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Cicadas chirping]

[Frogs croaking]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Water gently splashes]

[Thunder crashes repeatedly]

[Thunder booms]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪♪

[Water splashes gently]

♪♪

[Cicadas chirping]

♪♪

[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chains rattle]

♪♪

♪♪

In this book I collected all

the prophecies of Eibon,

handed down from generation to

generation over more
than 4,000 years.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dramatic violin music plays]

♪♪

[Slow suspenseful music plays]

♪♪

[chains rattling]

♪♪

[Banging on door]

[Door crashes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You ungodly warlock.

[Chains clank, man cries out]

Because of you this hotel
and this town

will be cursed forever.

[Chains rattle]

[Bone crunches]

[Thunder crashes]

The seven dreaded gateways

are concealed in seven
cursed places.

Woe be unto him who ventures

near without knowledge.

[Man breathes shakily]

Man: Be careful
what you do because

this hotel was built on one
of the seven doors of evil

and only I can save you.

[Water drips,
footsteps scoff]

[Chains rattle, man yells]

[Water drips]

[Chains rattle, man screaming]

[Nails clank]

[Man screams]

[Hammer clanks]

[Hammer clanking, man groaning]

[Man screams, flesh hisses]

[Spooky music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Woe be unto him who opens

one of the seven gateways
to hell,

because through that gateway

evil will invade the world.

[Slow guitar music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I told you Martin,
we can't.

All I inherited was the
hotel, nothing else.

But it'd be such
a pity not to.

Let me at least
finish the plans.

No forget it.

I won't even charge you
for it.

Look, really
it's not the case.

I just wanted to clean up
the outside

walls a bit,
and maybe tidy up inside

and then, well, business
starts booming we'll see.

It's better if you
do it now because wait

four months or six
and believe me,

you are going to lay out.

You can't imagine
the effect

that double digit inflation is
having on housing.

Hi, Larry.
How's it going?

Oh, good morning,
I'm gonna have

this whole wall finished
by tonight.

-Great.
-Bye.

Outside is okay, good
old 1800s Louisiana,

but the interior.

I mean,
hotels just aren't...

♪♪

[Man screams]

♪♪

The eyes!

♪♪

The eyes!

Her eyes!

Eyes!

Arthur,
where's that doctor?

[Door opens]

He's on his way.

♪♪

This man needs to get
to a hospital.

I'll clean up the wounds first.
Have you got any water?

I'm sorry, but till the
plumber comes

I'm afraid
I can't get you any.

Then we'd better move him
right now.

Give me a hand, will you?

Take the legs, gently.

Okay, up, right.

-Thank you doctor.
-It's okay.

How can I check up on him?

Ask me at the hospital,
John Mckay.

♪♪

We're off
to a great start.

Let's just hope there
isn't any lasting damage.

I sure would like
to know how a man

can fall off a scaffolding
six feet wide.

Liza, hey,
look at this picture.

♪♪

Weird.

[Alarm clock ringing]

I wasn't aware that you had

already scored a client.

Client?
There isn't a soul here.

I guess it must have been
Arthur.

Yeah.

[Whistle blows in distance]

Hey, is anybody home?

Liza: Just a minute,
I'm coming!

Good morning.

Are you the plumber,
Joe, right?

Yes, ma'am.
What's the trouble?

No, thank you.
I'm afraid I can't tell you.

Nothing comes out
of the faucets,

and yet somehow
the basement is flooded.

You tell me.

The whole basement?

And how.

Well, let's take a look.

Okay, follow me this way

Off we go.

I hope it isn't
too serious.

Watch out, the stairs are
really slippery.

I'm an old sewer rat.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Well, here it is.

How long do you think
it will take?

It'll take as long
as it takes.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Martha.

I made this little pathway
to the far end just for Joe.

♪♪

Thank you, Martha.

♪♪

Well, I'll go take
that look.

Where is Arthur?

He is upstairs,
tidying up the rooms.

We're doing our best to help,
Miss Merrill.

Yeah, I know, thank you.

Listen, I'll be going
into town later.

Would you please make
me out a list

of all the things
we need?

Yes.
Okay.

Don't worry.

[Water dripping, soft banging]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Hammer banging]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Arthur.

What are you doing
in my room?

I was looking for keys.

Which keys?

I told ma I was gonna
clean up

the rooms but some
of them are locked.

Well, I just have to find
those keys,

Arthur, won't I?

Or else we'll simply
call a locksmith.

In the meantime,
could you go up on

the roof
and check the chimney?

I think it's clogged.

I heard a car
drive up before.

Was it Joe?

Yeah.

Why?

[Creature roars]

[Screaming]

[Tires squeal]

[Engine shuts off]

[Wind gusting]

♪♪

♪♪

You are Liza, aren't you?

Yes.

My name is Emily.

I've been looking for you.

♪♪

Joe!

♪♪

Joe!

♪♪

Joe!

[Rapid footsteps]

♪♪

Arthur?

[Footsteps]

Arthur?

[Dogs barking]

♪♪

I don't understand, Emily.
How do you --

Don't worry,
I know the way by heart.

And there's always
Dickey here.

Come, Liza,
I'll show you the way.

[Suspenseful
piano music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Joe!

♪♪

♪♪

[Water splashing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gurgling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Water splashes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

[Cheers and applause]

You know how actors
always complain about

the special effects makeup?

You know, I had to be in makeup
for six hours.

Okay, so you're sitting
in a barber chair

for six hours, poor baby.

You know, the guy who
played Schweick,

the painter who gets nailed
to the wall

and his face plastered
in the opening sequence,

that guy is a French actor named
Antoine Saint-John.

And so he had all these effects,
make up stunt scenes

in this movie where he gets
beat in the face

with chains, crucified,
he just came bubbling up

out of that vat of goo.

And we're not
even done with him.

He has three or four more
special effects

moments in the scene.

So, apparently, Lucio Fulci was
brutal with his actors.

Anytime they had to do
anything physical,

he looked at it as a test
of whether

they were real actors
or just pretenders.

And so they beat this guy up
so many different ways

in so many different scenes
that he started

running away from the set
and they would have send,

like, tough guys to find him
and bring him back to the set.

They'd go
all the way to Paris.

He was French,
he lived in Paris.

And so they would go to Paris
and bring him back to Rome

to finish his scenes.

All his scenes are interior,
so he was never in New Orleans.

He was always at
the De Paolis Studios in Rome.

Anyway, I know he fled
the set at least twice,

and they would go, you know,
capture him

to come back
and finish his torture.

So, that's definitely a you will
never work in this town again

Lucio Fulci speech
when he gets back.

Also, who but Lucio Fulci would
go to New Orleans

to film a movie and say, okay, I
found my perfect location.

It's the Lake Pontchartrain
Causeway?

Because, you know, where the
blind girl and the dog

are standing in the middle
of the road?

Nobody ever shoots on
the Pontchartrain Causeway

'cause it looks boring,
right?

But in a Fulci movie,
looks beautiful.

Isn't that -- I think
it's the longest bridge

in the world, right?

You know New Orleans,
right?

Is it the longest bridge
in the world?

I don't know.24 miles or something.

But that's Cinzia Monreale
as the blind girl,

the Cassandra figure
in the story.

She used the name
Sarah Keller.

A lot of Italian actors chose
to use English names,

supposedly, so they could
get more work.

But she had been a famous
runway model,

and then worked with Fulci in
the spaghetti western

"Silver Saddle."

That's where they first
worked together.

She mostly worked
with Joe D'Amato,

our old friend from
"Anthropophagus."

Yeah.But he used her a lot.

Anyway, one of the great
openings in horror

with the creepy men in fedoras
paddling down the river

as a slow-moving
lynch mob.

So, as we were putting
"The Last Drive-In" together,

we would to have the all
the elements

of a traditional late night
talk show,

and one of those elements
is we needed a stand-up comic.

Well, only one choice for us,
'cause he's

the only guy doing
Lucio Fulci material

at comedy clubs
all over America.

You know
who I'm talking about.

I'm talking about
Bob Goldthwait.

You've probably seen him
at your comedy club.

I love the part of --
I love the part of Bobcat's

act where he freaks out
on stage and he says,

"It's a Lucio Fulci joke,
you moron!"

So, and Bobcat, by the way --
I should plug this.

Bobcat, by the way,
is appearing next week

as the third act
at Lots of Yucks,

a monthly comedy spectacular
at Paul's Lamplighter Inn

in Kokomo, Indiana
where he's gonna work out

some new Roger Corman jokes.

That's the direction
he's going now,

but we've -- we've invited
him here tonight

to do his best zombie set.

So, take away, Bobcat!

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Oh, you're too kind.
Thank you.

Yeah, you don't look
the same either.

Um, so, Job Bob, thanks for
having me on the show.

I'm not quite sure
what you're dressed as.

[Laughter]

What are you from,
"Toy Story: The Later Years?"

[Laughter]

Maybe next year you'll
be Buzz Lightyear.

No, I'm kidding.

The show's not
gonna be on next year.

So, speaking of Shudder,
which is the federal witness

relocation network
of streaming platforms.

If you need to cool off, they
give you a show on Shudder.

Yeah, Sammy the Bull
and Tara Reid

have a cooking show coming out.

Yeah!

Yeah, we're all excited
about it.

It's called
"Chupacabra Alfredo."

And speaking of the mafia,
what about the band?

[Laughter]

Let's --
let's give it up, huh?

Alright.[Cheers and applause]

Fabio, fantastic.

Make sure you don't get hit in
the head with a goose.

That's -- that's a deep cut.

The American Fabio got -- Never
mind.

So, haven't seen you guys since
you played John Gotti's

third arraignment party,
but he got out on parole

so you could be here.

Alright, I don't think
they're laughing,

but I can --
I can smell the garlic.

Okay.

But, what else is in the news?

That movie "Zombi 2."

It's -- it's so bad I can't
believe I wasn't in it.

[Laughter]

No, all kidding aside, it's a
really great movie.

I really enjoyed the
shark/zombie fight

where Lucio --

I'm that conversation
with his leading lady

was, uh, she's like,
"What's going on this scene?"

"I want you -- I want you to
swim very close,

very close to the shark."

"Well, is it a fake shark?"

-"No, it's a real shark.

You swim close
to the real shark."

And I -- "No, I don't think..."

-"You'll do it.
You do it for cinema."

"Okay, alright."

"And could you take off
your top?

I want to see your cans
in this scene."

So, uh, and then
the stunt guy goes,

"So, what am I doing
in this scene?"

"Oh, in this scene
you hug the shark,

you hug the shark really tight
and then you bite

and you bite him
and there's blood.

Well, it's fake blood,
don't worry."

"How does -- how does this shark
know it's fake blood?"

"Oh, the shark?
He's very high.

He's very high."

He's stoned.
This shark, he don't --

He was at Tom Sizemore's
hookah lounge.

So, that's where we found him.
Tom Sizemore's hookah lounge."

Alright, well,
speaking of "Zombi 2"

or "Zombie," that hospital,
kind of sketchy.

First of all,
it was really filthy.

If you noticed, there's
a scene where the doctor

picks up a syringe next
to the rat cage.

And then it seems like whenever
a patient starts getting up,

the doctor shoots
them in the face.

[Laughter]

I think the patients are like,
"Doc, I need you

like I need a hole in the head."

And speaking of hole
in the head,

a lot of people don't know
that Sandy Duncan

original was going to play the
part of the doctor's wife,

but they thought it would have
been a little tasteless

seeing that she gets her eye
gouged out with the splinter.

Alright, if you know,
Sandy Duncan had one eye.

Alright, so, in all seriousness,
we're really divided

as a country right now.

And as The Beatles said,
The Beatles said

all you need is love.

But let's not forget
that The Beatles were

multimillionaire hippies stoned
out of their brains,

so it was easy for them to say
all you need is love

'cause, well, they had mansions
and they were --

they were pulling all kinds
of crazy [indistinct]

Alright, God bless America.

Thanks for having me
on the show.

[Cheers and applause]

Come on over, Bobcat.

Yeah.
Thank you.

That was so good.Thank you.

Oh, it's great to see you.So good.

Fabio's not mad
at me is he?

Nobody does zombie
material like you.

Well, thank you.
Thanks.

You ever get -- you ever get a
zombie-hating audience?

You know, or maybe a politically
correct audience,

thinks zombies are beyond
criticism?

Yeah, they refer to them as the,
you know, formerly living.

They don't
like the word zombie.

That's the way you
have to describe them now.

The movie we're
watching tonight

was originally called
"Seven Doors of Death."

Ah.And upon its drive-in
release in 1981,

and of course all stand-up
comics can relate

to the gates of hell
theory

because, you know,
the number one --

I would say
the number one --

what's the number one
door of death?

I would say it's the comedy
store on Sunset Boulevard.

I'm pretty sure it is,
yeah.

That crowd could send you to the
mortuary right away.

But, you know,
I've done dates, like,

people are terrified
of stand-up.

That's their worst thing.

But, you know, at the end day,
all it is someone

hurts your feelings,
you know?

I -- I opened for Nirvana.
I went on --

What?Yeah, I opened for Nirvana,

so I used to have M80s
going off by my head,

they would throw boots.

I got hit with a teenager
one night.

They actually threw
a kid out off the pit.

I don't know if you can put this
on the show, but here's --

I don't know
why I'm saying this.

This got cut out off "Colbert,"
but...

Oh, we have to show it.Then we have to have it.

Yes.
I truly -- I truly
would not do this today

and I actually do feel bad.

I seriously do feel bad,
but first gig

I opened for Nirvana
in Chicago, Michael Jordan

had just retired from basketball
and I go -- I go,

"Hey, Chicago, I feel bad
for Michael Jordan,

but $40 million a year, I'd
shoot my own dad in the head.

Oh!
[Laughs]

In Chicago.In Chicago.

And the crowd --
that's not the noise.

The crowd -- [shrieks].
It was, like, pure rage.

Only person laughing,
Kurt Cobain.

Looked over
and saw Kurt laughing

on the side of the stage.

And you thought,
oh, okay?

No, I was aces,
but then after the show,

the security guy comes up.

He's like,
"We got a big problem."

I go, "What's the problem?"

He goes, "There's two lines
at the stage door.

One's to meet the band,
the other's to beat

the fuck out of you.

And that line's actually bigger
than the one to meet the band."

I go, "Well, what do we do?"

And he goes, "Relax your body."

And he put a towel over my head,
and he lifts me up

and he ran me out the door and
threw me in the band's truck.

Oh, my God.I don't really
have a punchline,

but I guess --
I guess when a large guy

puts a towel over you head
and says relax your body,

not always a bad thing.

[Laughter]

What is the worst place you ever
worked, seriously?

Uh, I don't know.

I -- I, you know, opening for
Nirvana was pretty bad,

but I enjoyed
that actually.

So worst gigs,
I don't want to say worst,

but there's one that's --
there's a comedy club

and the guy, I can hear him
loading the gun right now

and blowing his brains out
because there's not

a lot of comedy clubs
in Peoria.

But it's the comedy club
in Peoria

where it's on -- across the
street from a dirt track.

Okay.And it shares a parking lot
with a strip club.

So while you're on the stage,
the dirt track,

you hear
[imitates engine revving].

So you got to get to your
punchline really quick.

[Imitates engine revving]

[Laughs]So that -- that place is
pretty good.

But, you know,
I've done a lot of --

I've done -- I've done
a lot of gigs

like, why would you do those
gigs, you know?

Yeah, me too.

I did the Gathering
of Juggalos.

The Gathering
of the Juggalos?

Yeah.
Have you done that?

No. Where's that?Oh, my God.

That's the juggalos,
the Insane Clown Posse's music.

You know, they have --
they have a festival.

I'm using music
really loosely.

They have a music festival,

the Gathering
of the Juggalos.

And -- and I did it.

I did it the year
after Tila Tequila

had been performing there,
and they ran out

of Faygo to throw
at each other

so they knocked over a outhouse,
the whole row,

and the fans grabbed human duke
and throw it at...

Oh, my God.It was an inverted
GG Allin concert.

The whole crowd
just throwing poo,

and then -- and then...

Nevermind,
it's a long story.Alright.

Don't get me going.

Bobcat, you are also
the only standup

who has
made a Bigfoot movie.

Yeah, yeah.

How the Bigfoot movie do?

I got to say,
I've made eight movies.

That's the most financially
successful movie I've done

is Bigfoot movie.Really?

I'm kind of a big deal
in the Bigfoot community.

You went straight ahead horror
with your Bigfoot take.

Yeah, it's well --
It's suspense, you know?

I do want to do, like,
a gory film.

It's a very suspenseful film.

You know, when I was prepping
for that movie,

I'd go to Bigfoot
conferences.

And they're very -- there's a
lot of infighting.

So Bigfoot is supposed
to have a flat head,

and this guy had
a cardboard cut out

of a pointy-headed Bigfoot.

He had a stall with this
cardboard cut out,

and this guy goes,
"You disgust me."

And he goes -- he goes --
"Look at his head."

And then the guy goes, "Well,
I've seen Bigfoot three times

and you're never gonna see him
because you smoke."

So I guess Bigfoot
doesn't smoke.

So just before
the keynote speaker,

this is a true story, just
before the keynote speaker,

this one guy gets up and he
starts talking about UFOs,

and about a fourth
of the room went

[heavy sigh].

[Laughter]

[Cuckoo whistle] Like, who
invited this nut?

[Laughter]

This is about Bigfoot.

Are you insane?
There's no UFOs.

But you actually went
to the location...

Yeah, yeah,
I shot where they --

...of the original
Bigfoot setting.Patterson-Gimlin footage.

Yeah.The Patterson-Gimlin,
what is it?

54 seconds or something.

Yeah, yeah.
The -- the --

The only --54 frames.

54 frames of truth.

54 frames of...

The Patterson-Gimlin
footage.

But you actually went there
to do your movie, right?

Yeah, yeah.

And this scene
where we shot it there

and we're filming it, we saw two
mountain lions that night

and the actor's getting
really nervous.

He's like -- we do the first
take with him inside the tent,

and he knows there's mountain
lions supposed to be out there.

He goes -- he goes, "I don't
know why we're here, man.

We can --
it's inside a tent.

We can shoot it in
the parking lot."

I go, "That's really good.
We're gonna go again.

Use that energy."

[Laughter]

Oh, did you tell him
to do the thing?

The famous Paddy walk.

Well, I've spent
a lot of time.

One day I was -- I think it was
while we were filming it --

there was...

Yeah, it was because
of the mountain lions.

So, this guy, Robert Lederman,
he's a squatcher,

and he had a gun
because he's a ranger.

And after we saw
the mountain lions,

we're sitting
around the campfire

so I'm sitting next to him.

And he goes, "You know,
I'm a writer, too."

I go, "Oh, what do you write?"

He goes, "Well, I write,
you know, like 'Twilight?'

I write tween fiction set in the
Bigfoot community."

Okay.And I go, "Oh, okay."

Yeah, I go,
"What's your book?"

"My first book
was 'Yeti or Not.'

[Laughter]

By the way,
it's available on Amazon.

Well, we're Team Sasquatch here
at "The Last Drive-In."

We kicked off
our first marathon

with
"The Legend of Boggy Creek."

Yeah, and that's
where it all starts.

And that, by the way,
is a town that would

really appreciate
your act

the next time
you're looking for a booking.

Fouke --
Fouke, Arkansas.

I've been --You've been to Fouke?

No, but I really
do enjoy that movie.

I mean, I think that's why I
ended up making "Willow Creek."

Because of "Legend
of Boggy Creek?"

Yeah, yeah, because it scared me
as a kid, you know?

Really? That's great.Sure, sure.

When that arm crashes
through, yeah.

Darcy performed in Fouke,
right?

I didn't perform. I went to
cryptozoology conference.

Oh, you went to the same kind
of conference...

Yeah, that he was talking about.
Yeah.

They take it very seriously.

Do the the cryptozoologist --Yeah, they take it very serious.

Did they confirm the existence
of the Fouke monster?

Oh, yeah, they did.

Yeah?
Really?

Yeah.What's the Fouke Monster?

It's the Boggy Creek
monster.

Oh, oh, okay.

But he's --
so he's not a sasquatch?

-He is.
-He is.

Because he's got --Oh, he's just got
his own name?

Yeah.Well, the town is called
Fouke, so...

Look, my name is not
Bob "Syracuse" Goldthwait.

[Laughter]

Why does the town get to...

Stupid stuff, yeah.

It's just so that guy.

Like, you go, I know you.
You're from Fouke.

And I think your movie,
"Willow Creek" is your movie.

We haven't named your movie.
"Willow Creek."

"Willow Creek," confirmed
the existence of

the Patterson-Gimlin
monster.

Yeah, I didn't really take --
I didn't take

shots at the Bigfoot community.

I think people thought I'd be
making a comedy, you know?

But did do a found footage,
which, you know,

that's troublesome
because I've always --

I never liked a lot
of found footage movies

because it's like -- it's like
who found this footage

and said I'm sorry your family
got raped and killed

but I think if we recut it,

there's a tremendous
picture here

and they'll be -- and they'll be
really flattered if we did this?

So, "Willow Creek's"
a little different.

There's only 67 edits
in the whole movie.

Wow.
Yeah.

So it's pretty much like you
push play on a camera,

and that's the movie.

And that's the movie.That's amazing.

Okay, thank you
for being here, Bobcat.

Well, thank you.

I thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

And the ghost of Lucio Fulci
thanks you.

Back to the movie.

I want to show "Willow Creek" on
our Bigfoot marathon

that we're planning that we
can't get approved.

We will.
We will.

Well, I got a copy
in the car.

You can come back and say
writer/director stuff.

Do you have, like, a lot of
writer/director stuff?

Can you talk like
a writer/director?

Oh, sure, yeah.
Yeah.

Okay, we'll put you on right
after the Andre The Giant...

Have you seen the
Andre The Giant Bigfoot.

You mean "The Six Million
Dollar Man?"

"Secret of --"

No,
"The Secret of Bigfoot."

Andre The Giant
played Bigfoot.

Wow, I didn't know that.
Spoiler.

-It was a two-parter.
-I didn't either.

Spoiler.

"The Secret of Bigfoot:
Parts 1 and 2."

They couldn't
get the real Bigfoot.

No, that's the place of honor
in any Bigfoot marathon.

I thought you meant from
"Six Million Dollar Man."

Do you remember that one?No.

No.
That was Bigfoot,
two episodes.

Oh, we'll show that one,
too.

Sure.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

Emily, why did you say
I must give up the hotel?

I can't explain it to you.

Just take my word for it.

Go back to where
you came from

and hurry,
leave this place.

[Man whistling]

What's the matter?

I don't know,
he is in amazingly

good shape for a corpse

that's supposed to have
been dead for six years.

Well, the D.A.
said to open him up

and see what he had for
breakfast.

How about we give
it a try with --

Forget it.

You wanna wire
this old guy into

your brain wave machine?

Why not?

Okay, okay, but you're
on your own with this one.

I warn you though,
when I get back,

I'm gonna give him
an autopsy.

Man #1: I got some tickets
to the Saints' game.

Man #2: Oh, really?
Who they play?

[Door closes]

[Indistinct conversation]

[Birds chirping]

[Engine starts]

[Horn honks]

[Pager beeps]

Harris here.

Woman: Miller wants
you up in 24 on the double.

I'm on my way, honey.

[Thumping]

Wait here for me, Jill.

I won't be long.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Wheel squeaking loudly]

[Screaming]

[Gasps] Mommy.

[Screaming continues]

Mommy!

[Liquid pouring]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Groaning]

[Screaming]

[Jazz music playing]

♪♪

John: So, what did you do
in the Big Apple?

Just about everything
a girl could do

without losing
her good English

breeding and reputation --

modeling,
dancing, secretary.

I almost became
an unsuccessful

fashion designer

when this letter arrived
announcing the inheritance.

Big surprise, huh?

More or less.

I mean, I knew I had
a rich uncle who was a bachelor

with a lot of real estate,
but I never imagined

from one day to the next
that I'd be running a hotel.

Tell me, with all those
accidents,

you know,
with Joe the plumber

and the house painter.

Do you think
you'll give up now?

I couldn't do that
if I wanted to.

This is my last chance.

Either I run this hotel
or I go on relief.

Well, I tell you what.
When you get the hotel

fixed up, I'll come
and stay there, okay?

So you can book me
a room now.

Sure, you've got it.

The best in the house.

Of course.

How long do you think
it'll be before it's ready?

I don't know.
It's driving on so much.

Arthur and Martha are more
of a hindrance than a help.

They just can't seem
to get it together.

Well, if you hired them,
you can fire them.

But, I can't fire them.

They came with the hotel.

Strange, I've never
heard of them.

[Telephone ringing]

♪♪

Dr. Mckay,

Dr. Mckay,
you're wanted on the phone.

It's the hospital.
Thank you.

Excuse me.

♪♪

♪♪

Hello.

Oh, Harris.
Hi.

What?

♪♪

Man: In heaven
give us this day our daily bread

and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those

who trespass against us.

Lead us not to temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

And as we commit the souls of
Joe and Mary Ann,

to our father
in heaven we pray together,

oh, merciful Lord,

watch over Jill, their daughter

whom Joe and Mary Ann's
untimely departure

has left alone in this world,
a helpless child.

Comfort her, and guide
her, and give her strength.

We ask this, oh Lord,

in the name of the father
and of the son,

and of the holy ghost, amen.

Courage, my child.

Woman: [Sobbing]

Oh, my dear.

[Sobbing]

♪♪

[Static]

[Cheers and applause]

You can't witness
an acid-blob attack

without your eyes
turning to marbles.

Is that what we just saw?

You know, I'm not really sure
of the rules in "The Beyond."

I know it's the gateway to hell,
but what's in hell?

What's coming
out of the gateway?

Or who's -- What has to happen
for you to go into the gateway?

Or is the idea that people
are moving back and forth

between the worlds above the
ground and below the ground?

Worlds that meet
at the basement sewer.

See, I think this is why
critics love "The Beyond"

more than they love "Zombie"
because you can make up

any reason you want
for what's going on.

There's an article
in Cinefantastique

that's been quoted a lot
that says...

[Laughter]

Not just a dream.
A fever dream.

And not just a fever dream.
An advanced fever dream.

So those of us who don't often
have dreams

while we're suffering
from high fever

and especially those of us
who don't have fevers

enough times
to have advanced fever dreams

that we can compare against
the normal fever dreams

will never know how the movie
is structured.

There's another critic who says

the movie is all
about purgatory.

So I guess if you're waiting
around to know whether

you're going to heaven or hell,
it would be in a dark sewer

under a bed-and-breakfast.

And there's a whole school
of criticism

about Fulci's use
of eye imagery.

You know, people in this movie
keep going blind, you know.

We can't let you see
what's in hell.

We'll have to blind you first
before you go there.

Which is very convenient
for a filmmaker

'cause then you don't have to
show us what's there.

It's true that Fulci
mutilates eyeballs

in almost every movie
that he makes,

but I've always thought
it's just --

I've always thought it was
just kind of a screw-you

to the viewer, as in,
"You know what?

This is what
I'm gonna do to you."

This phrase -- "Assault the eye,
caress the ear."

Right, Fabio? Is that --
Did I get that right?

Yes, we tried...

Okay. Who said --

Who said, "Assault the eye,
caress the ear"?

Was that you?

I thought
it was just Fulci.

Oh, okay. Alright.

I'm gonna throw my opinion
into the mix here, though.

I think Fulci just likes
to do gross-out set pieces.

You know? He likes to say,
"Here's something you've never

seen before and is grosser
than you could ever imagine."

And so he manipulates the text
of the movie to fit that.

He changes the plots a lot
so he can do the set piece.

And he's able to do that because
his producers don't care.

His producers know that
as long as he's delivered

some horrific visual sequences,
the audience would not follow

along with the logic
or lack thereof.

So, the producer of this movie
is Fabrizio De Angelis,

who first worked with Fulci
on "Zombie,"

and then he made "City of
the Living Dead" with him.

And then this is the third
in the so-called trilogy,

even though I don't see
much connection

between the three movies.

I don't know why they call them
a trilogy.

Fulci, by the way, referred to
De Angelis as "The Cobra."

And De Angelis
was very much involved

with what was expected
to be in the movie.

But the very talented
Dardano Sacchetti,

the screenwriter for "Zombie,"
was again hired

to do the script for this movie.

And he says he didn't have
much guidance other than that,

"Dardano, it's a hotel
that's sitting on top of hell."

So Sacchetti decided, okay,

the hotel is
architecturally real

and what's underneath the hotel

exists outside of
Euclidean geometry,

so it has to be supernatural.

And the theme was that

we're born for only
one reason -- to die.

[Laughs]
These guys were bleak!

Okay.

Fabio, did Fulci tell you

which sequences were
most important to him?

Or did you just do the music
after the film was completed?

Usually, it was always
after the movie.

Just one thing.
When I went...

In the small house
where Emily used to live.

And there was a piano...
in a place.

And I did a couple of notes,
and Lucio told me,

"This is the sound
I want for her."

So the theme --
[Imitates theme]

It started on the scene,
on set.

Really? You went to the set
and you composed Emily's theme

on Emily's piano?

Yeah, absolutely.
I started there,

then I obviously went home
and I completed.

But it started on the set.

Wow. That is crazy.

[Clears throat]What?

Peaches is ready.

Oh! Yeah.
I almost forgot.

Ladies and gentlemen...Oh, no, you didn't.

...live from the Castro Theatre
in the nasty part of San Fran,

the Queen of Queens,
Peaches Christ!

[Cheers and applause]

Hi! Hi!

Ohh!
Welcome, Peaches.

I can see you just threw
something on at the last minute.

That's right!
Just a little thing.

[Laughter]

Oh, Peaches, I'm so happy
to have you here.

This is a thrill,
a dream come true, honestly.

Really?Yes, I'm a huge fan.

I first met you --

It was at a film festival.Yes.

You and Elvira were
glamming it up...

Yes.

...in the Silver Lake
neighborhood of L.A.

What was the name
of that theater?

The Vista.
The Vista Theatre. Yes.

And we were judges together
on a film festival.

You remember that?Yes, of course.

It was
Elvira's Horror Hunt.

And it was supposed to be a
potential TV show for she and I,

and it never got picked up.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah.

Alright, well, I hope
it wasn't my fault.

No, no. You --
You had nothing to do with it.

Alright, well, I wanted
to ask Joshua Grannell

this question when
he was out here earlier.

The director of the cult film
"All About Evil."

Are you willing
to speak for Joshua?

Sure, yeah, I think
I can speak for him.

Joshua directed you
and Cassandra Peterson

in "All About Evil."

Now, what was
Joshua's honest opinion

of Cassandra's
acting chops

when she's outside
of Elvira makeup?

Well, I mean, the truth is
Joshua and myself

got to know Elvira
through doing stage shows

and show-business stuff,
which, like, for me

was amazing because
I was an obsessed fan.

She's had a huge, huge
influence on me and Joshua.

And so getting to know her
behind the scenes

as a friend
over the years,

I got to see her be a mom,
you know, and raise her kid.

And so when I was
writing the film --

or Joshua was writing
the film, you know --

You always take credit for...

I do. I take credit. I might as
well just take all the credit.

I thought a lot about who could
play this concerned mother

of a kid who loves
horror movies,

and she kept popping
into my mind.

So, you know, I asked her, and
she did not say yes right away.

And then Joshua put
some pressure on her.

But I think it was more
the convincing her

to do it out of drag.

You know, she hadn't appeared
in a movie out of drag

since "Pee-wee's
Big Adventure."

Oh, wow.
Yeah.

Okay. Are you buddies
enough to, like,

give each other wardrobe advice
and stuff like that?

[Laughs]

Well, I mean, I would never
give her wardrobe advice

because she only wears
one outfit.

You know what I mean?
There's nothing wrong with that.

How many outfits do you have?I have too many.

In fact, I wish she had
given me the advice of, like,

just stick to one look,
you know?

But, like, yeah, I have,
well, two storage units

in San Francisco
that house costumes.

Really?
Yeah.

And you go out and get a costume
that you wore back in 2001

and wear it again?

I wish.
I gained the COVID 90.

You know, so I'm having
new costumes made these days.

Alright, well,
I've never watched --

We were talking earlier about
your original film that you did

for Joshua's Penn State
senior thesis --

"Jizmopper: A Love Story."

That just sounds
inspirational.

[Laughs]
I'll just say this.

The Penn State faculty
at the time --

Most of the other students
wanted to all be like

Martin Scorsese
or Spielberg.

And, you know, I was
obsessed with, you know,

John Waters and Wes Craven
and Pedro Almodóvar.

So it was sort of like --

The faculty didn't know
what to do with me, especially

when I said I was gonna
make a movie called "Jizmopper."

But we did win the award for
Best Film, the audience award,

at the student
film festival.

And was that your first
acting role?

Was that the first time
you were on film?

That was. Well, I had done,
like, improv and stuff,

but I had never done drag and
I had never appeared in a movie,

so it was really 'cause
the actor that we had playing

the drag queen in the movie
dropped out.

And so I was born.Oh.

You're famous for the shows
that you do in San Francisco

called "Midnight Mass.'
You're still doing those, right?

Yes.

At the Castro Theatre
in San Francisco.

And you do parody send-ups

of cult movies,
a lot of horror movies.

And then you show the real movie
afterwards.

How long have you been
doing those?

I started that in 1998.

Wow.

Yeah, it started as a proper
midnight movie event.

And I was running
a movie theater,

a single-screen old
movie theater at the time

for Landmark Theatres.

I went to them and said,
"I want to do this movie event,"

and was really inspired
by The Cockettes,

who are this hippie drag troupe
of bearded queens

that in San Francisco performed
at the Palace Theater

in North Beach in 1969.

And Landmark Theatres
was like, "No way.

That will never work.
What are you talking about?"

But I was annoying and young
and badgered them,

and finally they were like,
"Okay, we'll let you try it."

And so the first film
I ever screened

was "Faster, Pussycat!
Kill! Kill!"
Yeah!

The Russ Meyer classic.Yes.

And we did a Tura Satana
look-alike contest.

And it was a hit.

And then many years later
it became successful enough

that I became friends
with Tura Satana

and she and I did screenings
together, so it built over time.

Let me ask you this.

I work with the Boulet
brothers sometimes.

Okay. Me too.

And that's like
the drag community of L.A.

They're kind of like
the queens of L.A.

And I think of you as the queen
of San Francisco, really.

I am!
No. Just kidding.

Is there drag competition
between San Francisco and L.A.?

Not the way
you would think, no.

I mean, in fact, I think
the Boulets are great example

of how drag queens
actually are, you know?

They're very generous
and very sweet,

and they've had me
on "Dragula" every year,

and they made me a part
of their event early on,

and I've always invited them
to be part of my events.

So we tend to actually
help each other more than --

I think the more romantic
or titillating idea

is that we're kind of
pulling each other's wigs off

and at each other's
throats.

But we're not.
We're all friends.

Okay. Did you get
the eyeliner you needed?

Yes.

I will admit that it is
generic Walgreens eyeliner

or whatever you have.

Darcy!Duane Reade.

I thought you were taking care
of the eyeliner problem.

I don't know know
what to say there.

[Laughter]

I like the cheap eyeliner.Oh, you do?!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine with it.

Liquid eyeliner.
Love it.

Okay. Great.
Um, thank you for being here.

I hope that we can do something
together in the future

'cause I live live shows,
you like live shows.

We gotta do something
together.

I would love that.Alright.

Alright. Do you guys -- We were
talking about fever dreams.

Do you have fever dreams?

Yeah.Yeah?

Yeah, I do.What about you, Darcy?

Oh, I've had 'em.
Yeah.

Why do horror critics use that
all the time?

You know?
"It's like a fever dream."

I think it's because
they copy each other.

Yeah, they might as well
just say, you know,

"This movie's like something
that throbbed in my head

while I had COVID.

You can't understand it.
Only I can understand it."

Pretty much, yeah.Alright.

Tell me your fever --
What was your fever dream?

I'll tell you later.

You won't share your fever dream
on the air?

There are children
watching right now.

Oh, really? Okay. I really
am gonna ask you later.

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Static]

[Wind whistling]

[Wind whistling]

Emily: Liza!

Liza!

Liza!

Emily?

Why didn't you
listen to me, Liza?

We blind see things
more clearly.

I wanted to spare you,
but now

I'll have to tell you
everything.

♪♪

♪♪

[Heavy breathing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

60 years ago, everybody
in this hotel disappeared.

Every last person.

A painter called Schweik,

who lived here
closeted in his room,

had found a key.

What key?

The seven gateways
to hell.

This house was constructed.
On one of the s--

[Creaking][Gasps]

There's nobody here.

[Wings flapping]

I can feel a presence!
Somebody else is in here!

No, Emily.
Nobody's here.

Yes.

It's him.
He's here again.

He's come back
to the hotel.

Get a hold of yourself,
Emily, please.

That? A painting.
Just an old painting.

[Bell ringing][Gasps]

There's the bell!

[Bell ringing]

Yeah.

That's the bell from --
from room 36.

That's where he was killed --
in his room.

36 was Schweik's room,

the man who found
the key.

He's returned, Liza.
Don't ever enter that room.

Now, look, Emily.

I've lived in New York
all my life,

and if there's one thing
I've learned not to believe in,

it's ghosts.

I was lucky
to inherit this hotel.

It's the first good break
I've had.

It'll take more than
a faulty electrical contact

or some crazy story
to make me give it up.

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Emily gasps and groans]

[Emily screaming]

Emily! Emily! Emily!

[Footsteps]

[Creaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Creaking]

[Gasps]

[Thunder crashes]

[Screaming]

[Thunder crashing]

♪♪

[Screams]

Liza!

John!

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Come on.
Calm down. Calm down.

John. John.

Take it easy.
Take it easy, now.

Come on.

But I saw him, there...

nailed to the wall.

He...

See those nails?

Well, they certainly
look old,

but this looks more like rust
than blood.

Now it seems
so impossible.

So absurd.

And, yet, I don't know.

Now, look, come and tell me
exactly what you saw, hm?

No. Never mind.
It's useless.

[Sighs] I guess I must just have
a pretty wild imagination.

Hmm.

I got carried away
by that story

that Emily told me
about room 36.

Emily? Who's Emily?

The blind girl that
lives in the old house

by the crossroads.

Hm. There's no blind girl
living there.

And I know everyone
around here.

-The book!
-The what?

The book that was on
the desk, it's gone!

[Mid-tempo piano music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Dog whimpers]

[Static]

Announcer: Tonight's broadcast
is brought to you by Sky Bar.

Keep your eye on the SKY!

[Cheers and applause]

So, the lead role in the film
is played by Catriona MacColl,

who we've talked about before.
We talked about her when

Eli Roth and I were presenting
"House by the Cemetery."

Fulci liked to hire
classical British actors.

He was considering Tisa Farrow
for the lead in this movie,

the one that had the lead
in "Zombie,"

but then he switched gears
and he decided to use Catriona.

In fact, she was also
in "City of the Living Dead,"

so if you believe in the
Lucio Fulci horror quadrilogy,

which is "Zombie,"
"City of the Living Dead,"

"House by the Cemetery,"
"The Beyond,"

she was in three of the four.

All of those were written, by
the way, by Dardano Sacchetti,

which makes me wonder
why it's not called

the Dardano Sacchetti
quadrilogy.

Anyway, Catriona MacColl
was one of the few women

who would stand up to Fulci

and not put up
with any abuse from him,

and so he came to respect her.

And during the early planning
for this movie,

Fulci was on set with Sacchetti

and two other
of the screenwriters

who helped out Sacchetti.

And so she walks up
to this distinguished group

of screenwriters and she says,

"So, I guess
what we're doing here

is a lower-budget rougher
version of 'The Shining'"?

And all three of
the screenwriters said,

"'The Shining'? What's that?"

[Laughter]I mean...

"The Shining" had only
come out a year earlier.

So they're not saying,
"No, we didn't copy anything
in 'The Shining.'

They're saying, "We've never
even heard of 'The Shining.'

What is 'The Shining'? None of
us have seen 'The Shining'."

So we have to assume that a lot
of the movie was inspired by

Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining,"
right?

The other interesting thing
that Catriona MacColl remembered

about the film is that the guy
who falls off the scaffolding

in the first scene
after the titles,

that was the head of
the Louisiana Film Commission.

That's how bad he wanted
to be in the movie. Alright.

Um, is Felissa still here?
Felissa, come on over.

Felissa. There you are.
Alright.

-Yeah!
-Whoo!

Whoo-whoo!

-Mangled dick! Mangled dick!
-Mangled dick!

Yeah!

Thanks for being
in our little sketch.

I thought you would be a great
person to ask this question.

Okay.
Alright.

90% of your films...

[Laughs] Oh, no.

...have been
horror films, right?

Y-- 100%. Yes.

100%. Okay.

Alright, do you feel like you
were ever turned down for work

because you're associated
with horror?

Absolutely not, no.

Maybe it's because
I don't want those bitches.

People say that
all the time.

They say, "I shouldn't
have done those horror films

'cause I lost work."

But I find that
hard to believe

because I don't think
Jack Nicholson got turned down

for work because he was
in "The Shining."

I don't think Jodie Foster
got turned down for work 'cause

she did "The Little Girl
Who Lives Down the Lane"

or "Silence of the Lambs."

In fact, I don't think
Hannibal Lecter was turned down

for work 'cause he did
"Silence of the Lambs."

Anthony Hopkins.
Didn't they --

They gave him a knighthood,
right?

I think he's the oldest actor
ever to win an Academy Award.

So, anyway, I just wanted
to, like, say that because

so many people say, "I can't do
those horror films.

I'll never work again."

Well, that's crazy.
That's their choice.

And I don't agree with it.

And the greatest actors
are horror actors.

You get chased by someone with
a machete, see how easy that is.

Okay?

Okay, well, Catriona MacColl
made four films with Fulci,

and then she said, you know,
"I was Fulci'd out.

I wasn't gonna do
anything more with him."

And she was embarrassed
because so many of those films

turned up on
the video nasty list.

We were talking to Ian McCulloch
about this earlier.

And so she moved back to Paris.
That's where she was living.

And she took all the Fulci
titles off of her résumé.

It wasn't until about the last
10 years that she started

showing up at the events
and acknowledging these films.

But this is the one
that she says

is her favorite
because of what she --

She calls it "decadent Italian
macabre poetry."

[Laughs]
Alright?

Ooh. Yeah.
That sounds delicious.

Alright.

[Laughter]

Alright. We're gonna
go back to the movie.

But did Fulci --

Did Fulci
ever mutilate a dick?

You're our
mangled-dick expert.

Yeah, no. I --
That is true.

And, no, I do not believe
he ever did.

He was not a mutilator
of sexual organs.

He mutilated
everything else,

but he drew the line
at private parts.

I don't think
he really drew the line.

I think he was more afraid
of ratings boards.

But actually what about
"New York Ripper"?

What?
"New York Ripper."

Mangled-dick censorship
is an ugly thing.

What is "New York Ripper"?

He mutilated
some genitalia

if you count, you know,
lady genitalia.

Oh, he mutilated
some vaginas.

Yes, he did.

-He really did hate women.
-Oh, wow.

We need a mangled-vagina
expert now.

-I'm spreading out!
-Yay.

[Laughter]See the horizon.

Wait. What did you say?

[Laughter]

Thank you, Peaches.

Fabio, I don't think you have
any mangled-dick music,

but play us out with
a dark theme, anyway.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Static]

Open two walls, see,
and lent in the basement,

and you'd have a room
for a kitchen

and maybe even for --
for a laundry, huh?

What do you think
of that?

Martin, I've already told you.
I don't have the money.

Do whatever you want to do,
as long as it doesn't cost.

I have carte blanche?

Carte blanche, but
not a blank check, okay?

Okay, well, the first thing
we do is bring someone in

to pump out
all the water.

That I can get done
real cheap.

And then -- Oh,
and on the other side,

I'll make a living room
and a game room.

Have you got the original plans
of the cellar by any chance?

♪♪

[Man laughing]

[Man laughing]

T-There was another book here!
A different one!

You wanna buy the book?

No, not this one.

The one that was here before,
just a second ago.

That book's been there
for two years.

Nobody wants to buy it.

It's very nice, though.
Very, very interesting.

[Laughing]

Liza, what's wrong?

About the book?

I-I was just
looking for --

What -- Is anything the matter?
You look sick. You sure?

It's nothing. I'm just
a little tired, that's all.

I think I'm beginning
to see things.

I get the picture. I'll
have to go to the town hall

and dig out the originals
from the files.

[Water dripping]

Reopen that hotel?

-Mm-hmm.
-[Scoffs]

Anyway, all the
turn-of-the-century

building plans are on
those upper shelves there.

They should be under what
the card says -- M-13012.

Hm. Well, let's get them
down and look at them.

You surprise me,
Mr. Avery.

You haven't heard about our town
employees' latest labor victory?

It took a three-week strike
to win.

Yeah, it was something
about lunch.

An earlier break. I'm sure
you'll be okay on your own.

I'll be out until, I don't know,
1:00 or a quarter of,

but you feel completely
at home, now, you hear?

-Have a happy lunch.
-Thank you!

[Door closes]

I'm gonna lock the door! That
way, you won't be disturbed!

[Lock clicks]

First from 1 to 2.
And now from 12 to 1.

Three weeks of picketing.
A great labor victory.

Now, then, M-13012.

Mm-hmm.

Manderville.
"Seven Doors Hotel."

"Hotel."

"Seven Doors."

What the...?

[Thunder crashes]

[Screaming]

[Squish]

[Soft squeaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Squeaking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasping]

[Squeaking]

[Groans]

♪♪

♪♪

[Squish]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Squeaking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Crow caws]

[Clang]

[Creaking]

[Wind whistling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The seven dreaded gateways
to hell

are concealed
in seven cursed places."

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

[Water draining]

[Groans]

[Squish]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

No. N-No.

♪♪

No.

[Groaning]

♪♪

No!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

[Cheers and applause]

And yet another eyeball
bites the dust.

After the famous "splinter to
the eyeball" scene in "Zombie,"

Lucio Fulci apparently decided,
"Hey, you know what?

I'm going with eyeballs.
This works."

I want to focus
on the tarantulas.

Tarantulas are nasty.
I think --

You know, I think it's because
of those hairs all over them.

Something about that
makes them just look toxic.

But this scene, though, was
a marvel of tarantula wrangling.

This is another one of those,
you know,

"This probably can't be done,
Lucio" scenes

that Lucio Fulci goes ahead
and he says,

"No, we're gonna do it anyway."

'Cause, well, first of all, that
is Lucio Fulci as the librarian,

you know, the guy who has to
go to lunch early,

"Just go up and get your book,"
you know?

Secondly,
the scene goes on forever,

and you think it's gonna be --
Okay.

Tarantulas are gonna crawl up
on his stomach, bite him,

maybe bite him on the neck,
he's gonna die.

But then the tarantulas turn out
to be vicious sadist tarantulas

who rip off his ear, rip out
his tongue, destroy his nose,

you know, all to the lilting
themes of Fabio Frizzi.

You know?

So, Felissa, what animals
are you afraid of?

Well, that's an exciting
question, Joe Bob.

I love all animals.
Come on. You know that.

Really?
Even killer animals?

Yes. Those are the best.

What about you, Peaches?

Peaches: Snakes.

Snakes. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I have a phobia
of snakes, for sure.

Um, alright.
And, Darcy, what --

I don't think there's any
animals that scare me unless --

Do we count human animals?

'Cause the human animal
scares me.

Very intellectual answer,
Darcy, you know.

So, you two, Felissa and Darcy,
are the opposite

of the typical female
in a horror movie, right?

My thing --
I agree with Peaches.

My thing is snakes.
I've talked about this before.

But especially
water moccassins

'cause of some encounters
that I had as a kid.

But really all snakes.
Which is why...

[Laughter]

Which is why we did this.

Every talk show needs
an animal handler.

And we have one with us
tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

David Dastmalchian
and his good friend Sophie.

[Cheers and applause]

Darcy: Yay, Sophie!

Felissa, get up and make room
for David and Sophie.

-What a sweet baby!
-Joe Bob.

David, you don't look too --
Yeah, just have a seat, David.

That's fine.
We'll shake hands later.

Alright.

So, David, um, how long
have you been doing this?

Snake handling.

Joe Bob, good to meet you.Yeah, good to meet you.

How long you been doing this?
Your snake-handling.

Oh, yeah, I've been
doing this a long time.

Really?

About --
About 30 minutes ago, they --

they introduced me
to this --

I knew that. I knew that.
Because actors.

You know, you ask them,
"What do you do?"

"Well, I can do
snake-handling."

"Can you juggle?
You wanna go on Joe Bob's show?

Can you juggle?"
"Of course I can.'

"Can you speak Polish?"
"Of course I can. Fluently."

"Can you handle snakes?"
"Sure. Why not?"

David, did you
really do that?

Absolutely.

So you don't even know
this snake.

This is Sophie.
We go back --

No, we go back a long time.

We met earlier,
about 27 minutes ago.

What kind of snake is it?

This is a boa constrictor.

That's true. This is
a beautiful boa constrictor.

One of nature's
truly glorious creatures.

A queen of the jungle,
Sophie is.

Well, let me ask you
a question.

Don't boa constrictors
kill by constricting?

Constricting.
This is true.

And you have it -- It's kind of
close to your neck.

They said --If we pissed it off,
what would it do?

She --

I don't really want to know,
to be quite honest.

I went and stood in the --

There's a walk-in refrigerator
on the way.

I just wanted to lower
my body temperature

by about a few degrees.

Okay. So why did you put it
on your shoulder?

Well, I've gotta be
convincing at my job, right?

As an actor, it's my job

to convince everyone
who's watching.

So, knowing this, why do people
put them around their necks?

I never got that
about...

That's actually
a really good question.

You ever seen that? You see
somebody at the boardwalk.

Alright, well, I think
both Darcy and Felissa

would like to --
You know, they like Sophie.

And they would
probably like to --

Darcy, I agree with you.

They might even want
to kiss Sophie.

You know,
they like all animals.

-Aww. I'll kiss Sophie.
-You guys want to touch Sophie?

That actor who just said,
"I would do anything."

...involved on any level
with Sophie.

I did it. Oh, boy.
Where you going, Soph?

Not this way.Wanna see...?

Okay. This would --
That's okay.

Come on over, girls.
You love all animals.

Come on over.How about it?

-Peaches, come on!
-No, thank you.

I mean, she's gorgeous, right?
Look at this beautiful...

-So pretty.
-Really, really soft.

David:
She's getting ready to shed.

Okay, this would be the point
in the Lucio Fulci movie version

of this scene where,
you know, the snake

just rips everybody's
throat out, so...

She's gorgeous.

Or at least squeezes you
until your eyeballs pop out.

So...

Peaches, you should touch her.
She's really soft.

So, David,
any new projects?

Got any new work
you wanna tell us about?

Besides your
snake handling?

[Laughter]

As actors, we have these résumés
with special skills,

and I'm putting "can comfortably
hold a large constrictor for..."

Why is it hissing?
Does anybody hear that?!

-Can you hear the hissing?
-Yes.

Okay. So, let me tell you
about me.

Sophie, I love you.
She's -- Projects, yes.

Um, let's see. Whew.
I, um --

I grew up in Kansas City
watching my favorite horror host

as a child,
Crematia Mortem,

and she has inspired
the comic book that I write

to this day,
which is called

"Count Crowley: Reluctant
Midnight Monster Hunter."

You, as well -- a big influence
and inspiration on me.

This is why
I was willing to...

To lie about your ability
to handle snakes.

...lie about my ability
to work with snakes

so that I could be
on your show, Joe Bob.

Alright.

This is the profound effect
that you and your work

have had on my life
as a storyteller,

that I am endangering my own
to be here.

Are you a Lucio Fulci fan
at all?

[Laughter]

Crew: Boo!

Aw! Come on!

I don't think
Lucio trusted animals.

I don't think
he liked animals.

He certainly portrayed them
in a pretty gruesome manner.

The spiders.
I mean...great kills.

Some of the greatest kills.

Didn't you write a comic book
about late-night shows?

I did. I did.

Speaking of Fulci,
all my early inspirations

were introduced to me by my
horror host in Kansas City,

watching all the old
Giallo films

and Hammer Films
and Castle Films, you name it --

was my late-night
creature-feature host, Crematia.

And then I grew up,
and now I get to tell stories

for a living, and I said
I want to tell a story

about a horror host who...

♪ Hi, Sophie

Who -- [Laughs]

Who, uh --
Who hunts monsters.

Okay.

Yes, and so I've got
a comic book called

"Count Crowley: Reluctant
Midnight Monster Hunter."

She's actually now

Count Crowley, the Amateur
Midnight Monster Hunter.

Okay.
Yes. Yes.

Well, seriously, I think
you could work carnivals now.

You know who
you should work with?

Fred Olen Ray
owns a carny show

called
"Secrets of the Amazon."

Fred Olen Ray,
who's made a hundred films.

You guys should work together.

You could be in his
"Secrets of the Amazon"

carnival show.

If I hadn't been an actor
or a comic-book writer,

I feel like I would be
involved in the carnival

in some way or another.
I never imagined it would be...

But I do love animals and I love
this beautiful creature.

And I gotta say, we didn't have
an animal handler on the show,

but I did a horror film that
I'm so excited for you to see

called "Late Night
with the Devil."

We shot it
down in Australia,

but it takes place
in New York City.

The magic of movies,
how that works.

But I play a late-night
talk-show host who is gonna

boost his ratings by having
the first-ever on-air exorcism.

And things don't go
as he had hoped or planned.

Well, sometimes
life imitates art.

It does.

Give us a little
snake music, Fabio!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Static]

[Wind whistling]

[Thunder crashes]

[Animal howling]

♪♪

John: "And the day
the gates of hell are opened,

on that day the dead
will walk the earth."

♪♪

♪♪

[Dog whimpering]

[Dog barks]

Good boy, Dicky.

[Dog barking]

Good boy.

Good boy.

[Creaking]

♪♪

[Gasps]

Who's there?!

Who's there?!

[Creaking]

[Wind whistling]

Answer me!

I know you're there!

[Wind whistling]

[Sighs]

[Sharp inhale]

[Gasps]

[Gasps]

Where are you?!

Who are you?! Who?!

I know it's you! I can sense it!

What do you want from me now?!

What is it now?!

Schweik, I know you're here!

[Screams]

[Growling]

N-No!

No! No, Schweik!
Go away!

I don't want to go back!
You can't take me!

I don't want to go back!
Stop tormenting me!

Don't come any closer!
Don't come any closer!

No!

No! Go away!
Leave me in peace!

No! Go away!
Don't touch me!

You can't take me back!

I did what
I've been asked!

Now leave me alone!
Go! Go away!

Away! No!

I never spoke.
You can't condemn me!

I don't want to go back!

I don't want to go back.

[Creaking]

[Dog whimpers]

Attack, Dicky!
Attack, Dicky! Attack!

[Dog growling]

Dicky! Dicky!
Don't let them get near me!

Attack, Dicky! Attack!

Attack, Dicky! Attack!

Chase them away!
Chase them away!

[Dog barking and growling]

Dicky, attack!

Get rid of them, Dicky!
Get them!

Attack, Dicky!

Attack! Get them!

[Barking and growling stop]

[Dog whimpers]

Good boy.

Good boy. Good boy, Dicky.

Good boy. Good boy.

You made them go away.

[Dog growls]No!

[Growling]

[Screaming]

[Groaning]

[Dog barking]

[Screaming]

[Groaning]

[Telephone ringing]

[Line ringing]

[Sharp breathing]

Martha?

Arthur?

Arthur?

[Groaning]

No! No! No!

[Groaning]

No!

[Grunting]

[Breathing heavily]

[Bell ringing]

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

Liza! Liza! Stop it!
Stop it! Come on!

Come on! Stop it!
Come on. It's me.

Come on, Liza.
You'll be okay.

Come on.
Calm down. Calm down.

Come on. Sit down here.
Come on. Sit down.

I thought he was dead, but...
[Sobbing]

Liza. Liza, stop it!

Look. I'm sick of hearing
all these stories.

What stories?Well, like the first one

about the man nailed to the wall
in room 36.

And the blind girl
that doesn't exist.

Emily's real.
She does exist.

I-I saw her.
I spoke to her.

The girl that lives in the
old house by the crossroads?

Yes!

That house has been abandoned
for the last 50 years.

But that's not true.
It's not possible.

I was there.
I-I mean, I went there.

I was there.

Yes, I knew you were there.

I found the book you left
for me to read.

You found the book?

And I read it.

W-What did it say?

Show me
where you saw Arthur.

♪♪

Here?

And he tried
to kill you, huh?

Please, John.

You -- You must believe me.
I swear.

So where's Arthur now?

I don't know!
He attacked me!

I-I was trying to break free.
He was here!

The cuts on my...

♪♪

There are none.

I must be going crazy.

Perhaps.

Or else.

♪♪

Who are you, Liza?

Who are you, really?

John, I don't
understand you.

What a question.
Why do you ask?

Because according
to the Book of Eibon,

this hotel is one of
the seven gateways of hell!

[Rumbling]

[Wind whistling]

[Both screaming]

[Thunder crashes]

[Liza screaming]

[Thunder crashing]

[Rumbling]

Run!

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Both panting]

♪♪

"And you will face
the sea of darkness

and all therein
that may be explored."

♪♪

[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

[Tires squeal]

[Voices whispering]

[Static]

[Cheers and applause]

I love that shot
where they drive away

and all the undead occupiers
of the seventh gate of hell

start turning on the lights
inside the hotel.

And then we have the set piece
with Emily and her dog,

who ends up ripping off
her ear and neck

apparently as a result
of his battle to the death

with the zombie.

I guess the zombie won and
he became a zombie dog, right?

But what is that moment
when some voice

just speaks over the movie
out of nowhere, you know?

"And you will face
the sea of darkness

and all therein
that may be explored."

Like the voice of God.
Or the voice of Satan, you know?

And what does that mean?
What's the sea of darkness?

Who's he talking to?
And where is he?

And obviously
he's in the editing booth

'cause how else
does he make that noise?

But who's he supposed to be?
I don't think the voice --

You know, I don't think that's
credited anywhere in the movie.

So, Felissa, what does that
all mean, Felissa?

I don't know. I think it's like
the rest of the movie.

It's just whatever
you believe it is.

-Really?
-Yeah.

What do you think,
Peaches?

Oh, gosh. Well, if I were to
break it down, it's like --

Sea of darkness. So it's like
water, liquid, dark water.

But also sea of darkness,
I think of closing my eyes

and dreaming or a nightmare.

So it's like a dream
with water.

It's a wet dream.
That's what it is.

It's a wet dream.
Yeah.

Oh, man. So, Darcy,
what do you think?

I would say
the sea of darkness is hell,

and what can be explored there
is death.

Oh. Very bleak.
Okay.

I mean, it's fun, yeah!

[Laughter]

Fever dream, right?

Okay, well,
at this point in the movie,

Fulci decided,
"You know what?

We did pretty well two years ago
when we went

full-bore zombie attack
at the end of the movie.

Let's just do that again!"

You know, even though there's
no zombies up to this point.

There is nothing wrong
with that.

"Let's just do that again."

No, there's nothing wrong
with that. I agree with you.

So, Fabio, let's go!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Static]

Strange. There --
Theres isn't a soul in sight.

Yeah, well, we'll be
at the hospital pretty soon.

Wanna talk to Harris.

Where is everybody?

Let's try
the laboratory.

[Door slides]

-But, John, I --
-No, Liza. I'm a doctor.

And I won't accept
irrational explanations.

I want to talk to Harris.
I'm gonna call the FBI.

[Gasping]

John!

[Gasping]

John!
[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Body thuds]

[Glass crinkling]

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

The elevator.
Get the hell going!

♪♪

♪♪

Wait! John!

♪♪

♪♪

[Clicking]

♪♪

[Thudding]

[Pounding]

[Groaning]

[Gasping]

♪♪

Jill! Jill!

Jill!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Harris! What the hell
is going on around here?

I don't know.
I think I'm going crazy.

Here they come!

[Groaning]

[Thud]

[Gunshot][Gasps]

[Gunshot]

[Thud]

[Thud]

[Growling]

[Wind whistling]

[Glass crinkling]

[Gasps]

[Whirring]

[Gasps]

It's Jill. She was in the
autopsy theater all alone.

♪♪

[Groaning]

[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Thud]

♪♪

This way.

♪♪

Come on!

[Screams]

Come on!

[Growling]

Liza: No!

♪♪

[Gunshot]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Get back!

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

[Clicking]

♪♪

♪♪

-No.
-We're under the hotel.

Impossible.
Impossible.

It's crazy.

[Gasps]

What's happened?
Why are we here?

[Groaning in distance]

[Footsteps]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans echoing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans continue]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"And you will face
the sea of darkness

and all therein
that may be explored."

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

[Cheers and applause]

Okay, a couple more
blind people, Liza and John,

wearing those contact lenses

that I'm gonna guess
were not very comfortable.

This is a massively complicated
movie

about a very simple premise --

that hell
is somewhere underground

and occasionally
it comes into our world.

The original script
had Liza and John

running into a weird amusement
park where the dead people

ride carnival rides
for eternity,

but they didn't have
the means to do that.

So there happened to be an empty
stage next door to the stage

where they were filming,
and Sergio Salvati dumped

some dirt on the floor of it,
and he got the humidity

up to a certain level
where it created a mist,

and they found
some homeless people

who agreed
to be dead for the day,

and they paid them with alcohol,

and they covered these people
with clay.

And the humidity
mixed with the clay

caused a sort of misty aura
around each body.

And whenever one of the
homeless people would get tired

of being dead
and move or sit up,

Fulci would remind them
they get no alcohol

until they finish the day.

And that ended up
being Lucio Fulci's vision

of the other side --
gray mist and lifeless lumps.

And I thought it was

especially imaginative
screenwriting, though,

to explain how they got
from the hospital

to the basement of the house,
which is where the gateway is.

They just go down a staircase
in the hospital,

and then they say, "Impossible.

It's impossible
that we could now be

in the basement of the house."

Because they were covering
for the changed ending.

This was considered one of Lucio
Fulci's most troubled sets.

Now, it was not strange
for Lucio to be screaming,

but on this one, he was
throwing mad fits every day,

and there was always some
actress weeping in the corner.

Usually it was Cinzia Monreale,

the woman who played
blind Emily.

She was the designated
abuse victim on this film.

He was also really mean
to Maria Pia Marsala,

the pig-tailed
red-headed young girl

who lasts almost
to the end of the movie.

He accused her of being a drug
addict and humiliated her.

And Catriona MacColl's only
explanation for his behavior

was he just decided
he didn't like her.

But then he didn't like
his producer, either.

He shoved Fabrizio De Angelis
into that underground sewer.

De Angelis got wet up to his
armpits in all that nasty muck

'cause he was fighting
with Fulci.

The nicest thing people would
say about Fulci as a person

is that he was one of
the world's great eccentrics.

Always smoked a pipe,
but he would often forget

to turn it right-side up
and the embers would fall out

and set his T-shirt on fire.

When he was ready to shoot
a scene, he would scream,

"Call the puppets,"
meaning the actors.

Yet, many people loved
working with him

because they considered him
a great artist.

Fabio, in one sentence,
how would you describe Fulci?

Uh, a great old friend.

-Aww!
-Aww!

-That's nice.
-That's so sweet.

Alright, Darcy. What do we
have left to do here?

Mail!

Oh, yeah,
we're still doing mail.

Alright. Alright.
Hit me with the mail.

Alright. This is from
Mike Cadaver of Salt Lake City.

Mike Cadaver?
That's his name?

I mean, I think
it's a screen name.

You can go with Mike Benedict
if you prefer.

Okay. "Dear Joe Bob, I have
the best fiancée in the world,

but she hates horror.
What do I do?

Mike Cadaver Benedict.
Salt Lake City."

Mike...

you will face
the sea of darkness

and all therein
that may be explored.

[Laughter]

Good luck.

And now John Brennan.

John, I want to thank you

and Justin Martell,
one of our producers,

and Austin Jennings,
our director,

for being instrumental
in bringing the maestro,

Mr. Fabrio Frizzi,
to "The Last Drive-in."

And I understand you have a very
special message before we go.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Well, season five
is certainly alive ♪

♪ There's so much coming up,
it boggles my mind ♪

♪ Out of sight,
"The Drive-in" will never die ♪

♪ And we hope you agree
this premiere was all fire ♪

♪ The dead got up and walked

♪ We saw a zombie
fight a shark ♪

♪♪

-♪ Oh, my
-♪ Splinter in the eye

♪ At the gates of hell, the
blind were leading the blind ♪

♪ We gave you Fulci,
we showed you "Zombie" ♪

♪ We went all the way beyond
with Fabio Frizzi ♪

♪ Thank you, Maestro,
but now it's time to go ♪

♪ So please take us on out
with the synthesizer solo, oh! ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Thank you, Maestro,
heck of a solo ♪

♪ We'll have Yuki paint you up
a very shiny bolo ♪

♪ That's the whole show,
it's time to go-go ♪

♪ So here's Joe Bob Briggs
now to take us on home, yo ♪

I want to thank everyone who
came for this little experiment,

including Ian McCulloch,
Felissa Rose, Danhausen,

David Dastmalchian,
Peaches Christ,

Bobcat Goldthwait,
Darcy the Mail Girl,

"The Last Drive-in" crack team
of on-set technicians

and backstage...artists

and, of course,
the pride of Bologna,

Mr. Fabrio Frizzi.

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Laughs]

♪♪

♪ We are drive-in mutants

♪ We are not like other people

♪ We are sick,
we are disgusting ♪

♪ We believe in, we believe in

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts

♪ Yeah, we believe in

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts

♪♪

♪ If life had a vomit meter

♪ We'd be off the scale

♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party
like jungle animals ♪

♪♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke

♪ The drive-in will never die

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke

♪ The drive-in will never die

♪ We believe in

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts

♪ We believe in

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts

♪ Yeah, we believe in