Original subtitles

KELLY: (Whispers) Cathy.

Cathy.

Cathy.

(Quietly) Morning, Kelly.

(Quietly) Morning.

(Quietly) Are you all right?

(Quietly) Yeah.

Why are you sitting here in the dark?

Oh...I was just having a little think and a cry.

OK. Do you want some coffee?

I'd better not. I've already had seven.

- Right. - (Murmuring)

He keeps doing little farts. (Laughs)

He's gonna be late for work.

Do you want to talk about anything?

Oh, no. I'm fine, actually. Thanks, Cathy.

Thanks for asking.

I talked it all through with the foxes.

Sorry, Kelly, I... I'm finding it hard to work out what that means.

Well, I was crying and I didn't want anyone to hear,

so I went out into the garden and there was this fox there with his babies,

and I sort of used the opportunity to pretend I was having a conversation with them.

OK.

Did they have any advice?

Well, no, not really.

They're foxes.

It's quite wet out.

I think I might have got a bit of mud on the carpet.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'm sure it will be OK.

Sorry. It's a little bit messy, isn't it?

Kelly, love...

is this about Jason's interview this morning?

Oh, course not, no. Oh, God, no.

No, I really want him to get the job, don't I? Yeah.

It's an amazing opportunity for him to live and work in Australia.

Yeah.

I'll be in the kitchen.

Thanks, Cathy, but I'm fine. I'm amazing. It's all good.

Good.

And he'll go Australia without me and I'll die alone.

And I'll never have sex again, I'll be old and horny and get a hunchback... This one?

Cutlery drawer. It's all cutlery, isn't it? So it all goes in the cutlery drawer.

- Where was I? - Hunchback.

Oh, yeah. So I'll be old and horny, get a hunchback,

and people will see pictures of me when I was young

and go, "Oh, my God, she wasn't bad then and now look at her.

She's got a massive hunchback."

Imagine me with a hunchback.

Don't worry, love. You won't get a hunchback.

I bet that's what all the hunchbacks said, and now look at them.

- (Sighs) - Cutlery drawer.

- Oh, yeah. - God, I didn't realise I'd finished that.

One of the er...foxes got in.

I sort of erm...fed him.

Hm.

I know it's upsetting, love, because...I'm upset too.

But Jason hasn't even got the job yet, let alone moved there.

Hmm.

You sound like the daddy fox.

- Do I? - Yeah.

But just like it in my head because... well, he's a fox, isn't he?

He can't talk...can he?

- No. - No.

Oh, er...I... I put these into alphabetical order for you.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. Also...

..this one is all of your instruction manuals.

And those, all your bank statements in chronological order.

Thanks.

Electricity's expensive, isn't it?

Yeah.

- (Shuts drawer) - Yeah, so, in my head,

the daddy fox was leaping all over the conservatory,

going, "Don't worry about it, be cool.

We don't even know if he's going to Australia. Chill out. He's not having an affair.

Just cos he likes something a girl put on Facebook, doesn't mean he's shagging her."

- Do you want to talk about that as well? - No, I'm good.

OK.

Cathy...

..why is he even Facebook friends with her?

I said to him, "Why would you like something on Facebook that's been put there by a woman

unless you want to shag her, you sexist pig?"

How did he take that?

Well, no, I didn't actually say it to him, did I, Cathy? I'm a massive coward.

But I could of.

- ♪ When I'm gone - ♪ When I'm gone

- ♪ When I'm gone - ♪ When I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair

♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

♪ I got my ticket for the long way round ♪ Boom boom boom boom

♪ The one with the prettiest views

♪ It's got mountains, it's got rivers

♪ It's got woods that'll give you shivers

♪ But it sure would be prettier with you

- ♪ When I'm gone - ♪ When I'm gone

♪ When I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

- Oh, Derek! - Sorry.

Why didn't you close the door?

Kelly could have seen you.

- Derek! - Don't speak to me. Hangover.

- You OK? - (Toilet flushes)

(Groans) Whatever. What do you think?

(Chuckles)

Your boxer shorts are on back to front.

Yeah.

- So, did you... - (He farts)

Excuse me.

- Did you have a nice night... - (He farts)

Sorry.

That's all right.

- Did you have a nice night with Michael? - (He farts)

Oh, God.

All right, Uncle Derek?

Yeah, top of the world.

- What time did you get in? - I don't know.

- What were you drinking? - Everything.

- Pardon? - Everything!

Don't speak to me. Got a hangover.

- (Mobile rings) - Sounds like your phone, love.

Oh, God, that'll be Pauline.

That's my room.

(Both laugh)

Oh, are they for me? Thanks, Mum.

- Got my interview this morning. - Yeah. Exciting.

- Where you been? - Oh, hi, babe.

Just been down here chilling with your mum, making plans for Halloween.

Got my interview today.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot about that.

- You forgot about it? - Yeah.

How could you forget about it?

I've been talking about it for weeks.

- You're so funny sometimes. - Oh, I know.

Duh! (Giggles)

Just come over, darling.

Yeah, be really nice to see you, Pauline.

Yeah, no, I'm up.

I was about to go for a jog.

I don't know. Ten miles?

I told you...

(Farts)

..I've changed.

(Chuckles)

What time did you get in?

Oh, I have absolutely no idea.

(Chuckles)

I'm sorry. I was supposed to be up and out before you...

(Groans)..before you...

..before you got up.

That wasn't me, was it?

Kelly.

Oh, thank God for that.

Jason's got his interview this morning.

- For Australia. - Yeah.

Kelly's dealing with it, as anyone would,

by staying up all night drinking seven cups of coffee

and...talking to a family of foxes.

(Chuckles)

How are you feeling about it?

Yeah.

- Well, I'd better put on some... - Yeah.

- Yeah. Thank you. - (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

They've got this place in Sydney that I was looking at,

where you can cuddle a dolphin.

Oh, wow! Great.

- What, like, you have to actually touch it? - Yeah.

- Oh. Great. - If you do a tour,

it costs 600 dollars

but you get, like, Aussie beers, surfing,

barbie on the beach, they take you to the Outback.

The Outback? Yeah.

Is that where there's loads of snakes?

There's snakes everywhere in Australia.

Excellent.

- And there's so much surfing. - Yeah. I love surfing.

I really, really love seawater.

I'm gonna go surfing every morning as soon as we get there.

Well, like, once I've learnt to surf.

Yeah. Me, too.

And once I've learnt to swim.

Did you break my digital photo frame?

No. Of course not. No. Why would I do that?

Hmm.

Oh, God, no, yeah, it was me.

Oh, listen, I'm really sorry. It was er...

Derek was...chucking things at...

..and I was...kinda hitting them.

I'm really sorry, that's really bad.

- I'll get you another one, honest. - Don't be silly. I never use it anyway.

- (Chuckles) - Is he er...

Oh, sorry. Morning breath.

You should have smelt what Derek just did upstairs.

It made the hairs on my arms stand up. (Chuckles)

Did he...say anything about the evening at all?

- Why? - Nothing.

Come on. Clearly there's something or you wouldn't have said that.

DEREK: Cath! Cath!

This is interesting, Michael.

No, no, it's nothing, honest.

Well, we'll see about that.

(Chuckles)

Oh, no. Here he is. How's your head this morning, Michael? (Laughs)

(Chuckles)

- Pauline's coming over. - Oh, OK. Bit early, isn't it?

Yes, I think it must be good news. Think she's gonna let me back in the flat.

Oh, good.

That's a bit crumpled, love. Have you got another one?

Yeah, but, er...

Hm. How about a T-shirt?

Could cover it with a jumper.

(Chuckles)

I need to do a wash.

No, I am. I'm excited, yeah.

- How's your mum feel about you going? - She's all right, yeah.

She's happy for me.

My mum would love it over there. She can watch me surf.

(Car alarm blares)

That's my car.

Are you gonna turn it off?

Nah. Turns itself off eventually.

(Car alarm continues)

- (Alarm continues) - Oh, God, oh, God!

Oh, God!

(Alarm wails, dogs bark)

(Alarm stops)

See?

Yeah. I thought it all through.

Me and my mum...

..we'll Skype during term time

and then she'll come and visit me on the holidays.

It's a bit expensive but...she's got an ISA.

- Oh, yeah? - Hmm.

You never get to see your girls and you're all right.

- Er... - No, but, like...

..when Abi went to Spain you never got to see 'em

but you could still phone 'em or text 'em or whatever.

And there's Skype. And they're older now, anyway.

- Yeah, but it's still hard, though, Jason. - I know, I know. Yeah, course it is.

I mean, I go months without holding them, touching them, smelling them.

(Laughs) Smelling 'em? You're gross.

You don't love someone less just because they're older.

No. My mum's not like that, anyway.

She'll be all right.

(Doorbell rings)

I need to get in the shower, actually.

The Telegraph?

- Erm...nope. It's not ours. - How interesting, Cathy. The Telegraph.

No, we don't get a paper. Jason just brings home the free ones.

Don't make excuses. It's nice to see you trying to improve yourself.

Well, come in, come in.

- It's cold out there, isn't it? - Oh, I don't feel it.

Yeah, winter's settling in, so...

Is it, Cathy? I really wouldn't know.

They said on the weather last night it's gonna be freezing from now on.

Well, I don't notice things like that.

It's real fur.

Oh, right.

Sorry to come round so early. I seem to have caught you a little...unprepared.

Oh, it doesn't matter. It's nice to see you.

So sorry to hear about your wrist.

Oh, yeah. I fell... Well, it's a bit of a long story...

- I've heard it. - Right.

- Derek? - Yes.

Who's got time to read all that?

Thanks.

So how's Derek?

OK, come on, Michael. What's the big secret? You two been chasing women?

- (Chuckles) Wouldn't have the energy. - Strip club?

- I wouldn't know where to put my eyes. - I'm sure you'd find somewhere.

(She chuckles)

- You're not gonna tell me, are you? - There's nothing to tell, honestly.

Well, help yourself to cereal or toast... and whatever.

There's eggs and bacon, sausages.

No, no, you're all right.

I'm trying to...slim down a bit.

- Really? - Yeah.

You don't need to lose weight. You're lovely just as you are.

Ah. You OK, Kelly? Can I get you some breakfast?

No. I'll have some carrots in a bit.

(Mouths)

Er...Kelly, love, I was wondering if you could help me get ready for work?

Well, I won't deny I've missed you.

- What's wrong? - Nothing. No. Just...tired.

I've missed you too, I really have, darling.

How many togs is that?

Eight?

Eight togs? No wonder she needs a blanket.

(Exhales)

Well, anyway, before you start getting all weepy again,

I meant what I said. I'm not gonna be controlled by you.

No.

If I want to meet with my husband and discuss the divorce, I can.

If I want to make him little videos, I can. If I want to swim with him in a lake, I can.

Do you mind if I open the window?

Yes. Whatever.

But, having said all that,

in the light of your emails last night, I'm willing to come to some sort of arrangement.

Emails?

- He wants me to swim with a dolphin. - Dolphins are nice.

I've seen videos of them, Cathy. They sniff your bits.

- You need to talk to Jason about it. - I have talked to him, Michael.

I wrote him an email and sent it, then hacked into his phone and deleted it from his inbox.

- Did you? - Course I did.

I'm a nutcase. I talk to foxes.

(All chuckle)

Sorry. Are you laughing with me or at me?

Oh, with you.

Good.

I was just having an after-dinner macchiato with Geoff,

and all these rather desperate little emails came rushing in. (Chuckles)

- I hope you don't mind. I had to show him. - No problem.

I wanted to come over before work because he's taking me to the ENO tonight.

- Opera. - Oh, right.

Have you been to the opera, Derek?

Well, I saw Blood Brothers, didn't I?

(Chuckles) Indeed.

So, since you said last night you were so keen to do whatever I want,

I was thinking you could pop into yours this afternoon

and put a bottle of champagne in the fridge.

Just in case he comes back. Nothing too dry.

Don't worry. It isn't sexual. He's made that perfectly clear.

(Exhales) You're not gonna have another one of your little episodes, are you?

No. No.

Well, I should get going. Let you get on with your jog.

I love you.

Yes.

- Mum? You done my shirt? - Yeah.

- You won't tell him about the dolphin, will you? - Course not.

Or the Facebook thing? Or the foxes? Or the fact I finished your Galaxy.

(Quietly) Damn it.

I only had a little bit.

Oh, hello. I didn't realise you worked in a supermarket, too.

I don't.

You work in Waitrose, yeah?

- Yes. - Well, that's a supermarket.

No, it's not.

- (Knock on door) - Yeah?

- Thanks, Mum. - That's all right.

Are you OK? What?

- Pfft! Just waiting until I can breathe. - (Both laugh)

Sorry.

It's all right, love. Who needs an ozone layer?

(Both chuckle)

- How you feeling about your interview? - (Exhales) Yeah. It's good, I think.

I've just been practising in the shower. I want to be clever with it.

You know when they ask you at the end, "Have you got any questions for us?"

I'm gonna look 'em in the eye and I'm gonna say, "What do you mean?"

- It's good, isn't it? - Oh...

Turn round. I'm gonna get my knackers out.

Yeah.

- It's all sorted, all fixed. - Oh, great.

She's given me my keys back.

He's finally realised I'm a free spirit, Michael.

If I want to go to the opera with my husband and discuss our divorce, I can.

If I want to spend the day on his yacht, I can.

- When did you do that? - Does it matter?

No.

Ooh, I'll have that.

- I'm really pleased you're feeling better. - Yeah, it's really worked itself out.

- Just got to get things moving more at work. - Yep.

Pay off some of my cards, re-submit my tax return, sort out the VAT.

And everything should be OK.

Keep up the Child Support payments... obviously.

Deal with my loans. Yeah. Catch up with the council tax.

Pay off my golf stuff. Get my rings back from Cash Converters.

Sergey Brin. He's the guy who invented Google.

Yeah.

Google? The search engine?

I know what Google is, love.

He erm... Oh, sorry, you can turn round.

He moved to America from Russia and started a new life. And look at him.

That's true.

So me and Kelly won't be living in a house like this.

(Chuckles)

We'll have a big house, on the beach, or in the Outback.

We won't be spending our lives in a semi in the middle of nowhere like you and Dad.

(He laughs)

I mean, there's some disadvantages, aren't there?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I won't be able to see you as much.

Well, that's true.

And you're not gonna be around forever.

What do you think about me... going to Australia?

- Oh, er...well, it must be very exciting. - Yeah, it is. Yeah.

- Have you talked to Kelly about it? - Yeah. Loads.

Great.

How does she feel about spending the rest of her life in Australia?

Erm...dunno. Excited, I think.

I've never asked her that specifically but...yeah.

I think you should ask her, love.

Yeah. Definitely.

Better get going.

Good luck, love.

Also I've been playing a lot of that online bingo. I won a fiver last week.

- Oh, good. - Yeah, so, er...

things are definitely on the up.

- Let me know how it goes. Bye. - Yeah. Bye.

Bye, everyone!

Erm...Kelly?

Sorry, love, I forgot to give Jason this. Can you ask him to post it?

- Yep. - And don't forget to talk to him.

Pauline's given me my keys back.

Oh, good.

Babe?

Your mum wants you to post this.

Ah. OK.

I'll come with.

It's cold, innit?

Yeah.

- Clocks go back on Sunday. - Yeah.

Me and your mum are gonna make a podcast.

Your mum's being so good about her wrist, you know.

She even tried to put the ironing board down on her own.

- Oh, God, I should have helped her! - (He laughs)

- Don't worry about it. - (Both chuckle nervously)

- I hope I get this job. - Yeah.

Well, er...don't want you catching a chill.

No.

- No way. - (Both chuckle)

Good luck.

Thanks.

I love you.

I love you too.

So, come on, then, Derek. Michael's big secret from last night.

No, it was just...man talk, that was all.

Man talk?

Come on, Michael. Cathy doesn't care.

Er...

- Michael's joined a gym. - A gym? (Chuckles)

Well, I'd love to stay and chat about whether Michael's joined a gym or not,

for what it's worth, I suspect he hasn't,

but my Uber's three minutes away.

OK, well, see you again soon.

Yes. Well, we'll see how it goes with my husband.

Bye, then.

How do you mean?

Pauline, how do you mean?

Gym?

- Imagine what Dave would have said. - Yeah. (Chuckles)

Losing weight...

..joining a gym.

Who are you trying to impress?

I thought you were gonna say that you had a secret girlfriend

that you'd been boasting to Derek about.

- No. - (Both chuckle)

No. No, I wish.

(Both chuckle)

Well, I'm just gonna go upstairs and use your shower, if that's OK?

- And then head off to work. - Yeah, of course. Help yourself.

- Thanks, mate. - No worries.

What did he really say?

Oh, anyone can see that. He's besotted with her.

- Get you something to eat, Kelly? - Yeah. I'll have some carrots.

They're detoxifying, aren't they?

I'm feeling really toxified at the moment.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I might have some sausages.

- Sausages? - Yeah.

OK.

Yeah. I might have a lovely sausage sandwich...

..thick, buttery bread...

..cover it in ketchup...

..and a nice big mug of tea.

What do you think?

They look nice.

Yeah, they're the posh ones.

Yeah.

I know you're a veggie, so you won't want any.

But if you did want some sausages- and you don't have to -

but if you did want a sausage sandwich...

(Quietly) I wouldn't tell anyone.

What do you think?

- Have you got time? - Yeah. I'm gonna stick 'em on while I get ready.

You won't tell anyone?

It'll be our little secret.

Oh, yeah. OK. Go on, then.

I'd love a fucking sausage.

(Giggles)

I'm so sorry.

I can't believe it. I've just sworn in front of Cathy. I'm so sorry.

What is wrong with me? No, that's bad. That's really bad.

I'm so, so sorry, Cathy. I don't know what's come over me. I'm disgusting.

Do you know what, Kelly?

What?

I'm really fucking disappointed in you.

No?

- Cathy! - (Both laugh)

♪ I got my tickets for the long way round

♪ Two bottle a'whiskey for the way

♪ And I sure would like some sweet company

♪ And I'm leavin' tomorrow, what do you say?

♪ When I'm gone

♪ When I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair

♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone