Original subtitles

JASON: God, it is mad!

- I can't imagine it. - It wasn't that bad. You just opened it up...

What, you had to lift that up every time you wanted to play a song?

- Yeah. - (Jason laughs)

- It's amazing to think that was normal. - Yeah.

Then you'd put your LP on and if you were anything like your dad,

he had to make sure there wasn't any dust on his record

because it affected the stylus.

(Jason and Kelly laugh)

You needed a degree just to put a song on!

How did they find the time to lift the lid, do the dusting?

I know!

Was it anything to do with all the paedos?

What does that mean, love?

It occurred to me there might be a link between how hard it was

to put a song on in the '70s and the fact everyone was a paedo.

I don't think there's a link.

OK, then.

Also, not everyone who was alive in the '70s was a paedophile.

We'll see.

- Another question about your record player... - Shall we move on?

We could take these to Australia, Kell.

Oh, amazing!

God! I can't wait!

That's a great idea. Yeah.

- Was that convincing? - Almost.

Right, so your mum's gonna come and take that little fridge, isn't she?

D'you think she's gonna want anything else?

Oh, I'm sure, yeah.

I mean, who wouldn't want some of your clear out?

It looks like you've got some really great stuff here, Cathy.

(Cathy laughs)

Well, people can just take what they want. We'll chuck the rest or take it to Scope.

I bet they'll be pleased.

With the money they've raised from this lot,

they'll be able to give loads of people loads more "scope" or whatever it is they do.

I'm taking the mickey!

No.

- I'm taking the mickey out of your clear-out! - No.

Yeah! I'm so sorry!

But you seemed so serious.

I know, it was all fake!

No.

Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so mean.

- We have such a lot of fun, don't we? - Yeah. It's orgasmic.

(Jason laughs)

Cathy!

(Giggles)

Mum. Look what I found.

Oh.

Oh, wow!

Aw.

Well, I really liked Teddy Sheringham, didn't I?

- Did you think it was weird? - Little bit.

(Laughs) Mum!

What was really worrying was that T-shirt you made.

Oh, no!

What, this one?

KELLY: It's raining! - Oh, shit.

KELLY: Get the fridge!

- Cathy! - Calm down, love.

♪ I got my ticket for the long way round

♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

♪ Two bottle 'a whisky for the way

♪ And I sure would like some sweet company

♪ Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone

♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone...

Everything's gonna get wet!

♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair

♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

CATHY: That's it. In you go.

♪ I got my ticket for the long way round ♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

♪ The one with the prettiest view

♪ It's got mountains, it's got rivers

♪ It's got woods that'll give you shivers

♪ But it sure would be prettier with you

♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone

♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

(Birdsong)

(Clattering)

Carol?

Oh, hello, I'm Cathy. Nice to meet you at last.

Hello. Yeah.

Cathy, yeah. (Laughs)

Yeah, take anything you want. I want to get it all cleared out today so...

- I'll definitely take a lot of this, yeah. - Oh, good.

I'm taking the piss, you silly bitch. It's a load of old crap!

(Carol laughs)

- Hi, Mum! - Hi, Carol.

D'you hear that Kell?

She was, like, "I'm having a clear out, take what you want." "As if, you silly bitch!"

(Laughs) Like I'd want any of that crap!

My Mum's so funny, isn't she?

Yeah.

Let me take that for you.

Where you gonna take it?

(Awkward laughter)

Yeah, I'll erm... probably just put it on the erm...

Who's that?

My dad.

Fit.

Good.

I've put the fridge out front but feel free to look in the garage and take whatever you want.

I want to get rid of as much as I can.

No, I was sorry to hear about your husband, Cathy, erm...

- Dave. - Yeah. That's right.

- Very sad. - Thank you. Yeah.

It's not been easy, the past couple of years.

Seen that, Kell?

Oh, yeah.

What d'you keep in there?

- Tea. - (Carol guffaws)

- You heard about Kelly's new job, Kathy? - No.

She's been headhunted by MI5.

Mum!

I'm joking.

She's been poached by NASA.

(Kelly laughs) Mum!

No, I'm joking. I'm sorry, Kell.

She has got a new job, Cathy.

She's writing the questions on Mastermind.

She didn't want to make a thing of it, as it's not been confirmed yet, but...

she's 90 per cent certain that she's got the job in Sainsbury's.

Well done, love! That's great.

My daughter, working in Sainsbury's. I feel like dancing!

(Giggles awkwardly)

Oh, I see what you've done. You knocked it through.

Basically, if she says something horrible to me,

or, like, if she says something to me that's true and I wish it wasn't and it makes me want to cry,

what I do is, I just laugh.

Great.

Well, this is gonna be fun.

- What's that? - Kelly's mum's here.

Oh, God. How is she?

I'm not sure but I think she might be the worst person I've ever met.

- Worcester Sauce. - I'll pass.

Jason nicks all the good flavours.

So...how's it going?

Yeah. Good, good. Yeah.

Oh, wow. That's massive.

- Shall I do it in one? - Give it a try.

(Crunches)

Yeah. Congratulations. That was very pleasant to watch.

Thank you.

(Cathy chuckles)

No, no. It's all coming along. Yeah, yeah. Everything's under control.

All pretty simple.

Basically you put the brackets to the telly and fix the telly to the wall.

You know.

I won't bore you with all the details.

I'm actually supposed to be somewhere so I'm just gonna go and check I've got all the bits.

I'll just get on with it.

If I have to watch Jason and Kelly canoodling on the sofa one more time,

I think I might dig my eyes out with a spoon.

It almost makes me want them to go to Australia. They call each other "babe".

God. My Nikki calls her boyfriend "baby lips".

(Cathy laughs)

Sorry.

- "Baby lips"? - Baby lips.

Has he got lips like a baby?

He does, actually.

I can talk. When Dave and I were their age, we used to call each other "pet".

Yeah, I remember that.

- Can I stay up here? - No. Bugger off.

- Oh, come on. - No, go on.

Go bugger off and let me finish putting up this telly.

CATHY: Please. - Go.

(Sighs)

(Mobile phone rings)

(Doorbell rings)

Come in, come in. Oh, thanks.

It's big, isn't it?

The steam cleaner or Derek's penis?

- She's had a glass of wine. - (Chuckles) Right.

So, how was the golf?

It was good, wasn't it?

Yeah, no, it was something different, yeah.

I shouldn't laugh but Derek kept using the nine-iron.

The nine-iron.

Sorry, I don't know what that is.

- It's the stick thing. - The stick thing? It's called a club.

Yeah, I know it is. I know it is. I was joking.

He was in the bunker for ages. Everyone was watching.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

- She did both. - Right.

So... So the golf was OK?

Yeah, no, it was good. I mean, it's more about the social side, isn't it?

- I met a millionaire. - Oh, OK.

- Yeah. - Was he nice?

Yeah, he was lovely. He let me carry his clubs.

Great.

Er...so, Carol?

D'you want to have a look in the garage, then? Help yourself to anything you want.

OK, thanks, Cathy. That's lovely. Yeah.

Amazing. Like I'd want any of her crap, Kell. D'you know what I mean?

- Yeah, I know! She's so full of bullshit. - I know!

I'm so, so sorry. I don't mean a word of it.

Don't worry. It's fine.

Thanks.

Yeah, such a rotten old slag!

JASON: Mum! Nan and Granddad are here!

You've got fat!

Thanks, Maureen.

- I barely recognised you. - I don't think I've put on any weight, actually.

Oh, you have. You're ginormous!

OK.

- All right, Nan? KELLY: You all right?

Everything hurts!

- OK. - I'm going blind in one eye!

Oh, no!

If I'd known when I met her she'd end up like this, honestly, I'd have run a mile.

- "Hello, Deepak"? - Are you kidding me?

- I don't know. - "Hello, Deepak"? Have you lost your mind?

- I don't know! - Have you no idea how to text a millionaire?

Of course I know how to text a millionaire. You've just got to be humble and use big words.

Oh, Derek. You're such a brute.

DEREK: Hello, Reg. You all right?

Why are you dressed like a poof?

Reg! They've been playing golf.

REG: Golf? - Yeah.

Why are they dressed like poofs?

- Maureen! - They've been playing golf.

- Olf? - Golf!

What's "olf"?

(Savagely) Golf!

His outfit cost him £575.

(Laughter)

Well, it's breathable polyester, so...

That's the kind of price you have to pay if you want breathable polyester.

(Sniggering)

I know I shouldn't laugh, but Derek kept trying to use a nine-iron.

He was in the bunker using a nine-iron.

- He was stood in the bunker... - I wouldn't bother.

Yes.

We've put the rugs in the boot, Maureen. Help yourself to anything else you want, OK?

Can we have her telly?

Nan, this is Carol, Kelly's mum.

MAUREEN: Who? - Kelly's mum!

Nice to meet you!

Who's Kelly?

How's it going up there?

Er...yeah. Er...

I just need one more bit, I think, and I can hang it up properly.

So, Pauline is trying to get Derek into golf

and his golf uniform...outfit thing cost...

Get ready for this.

..£575.

- No? - (Chuckles) Yeah.

That's almost as much as my car!

How much did your outfit cost?

- 20 quid? - Does that include the shoes?

Yeah, charity shop.

You'd never know.

(Both chuckle)

Look. Have a look what I found.

Bognor.

Oh. (Chuckles)

- D'you remember taking it? - Yeah.

I was trying to think why Dave wasn't there.

He'd missed the train, hadn't he?

So we made the journey, just the two of us.

Drinking the beer your dad used to make.

And then we got there, got bored waiting for him...

..and we went for a little walk together on the beach.

God, I'd forgotten all about that.

Pair of bloody idiots!

- Speak for yourself. - (Chuckles)

And he's going for tennis lessons on Sundays.

- What's that? - Tennis lessons.

- Bit of luck. - (Sighs)

Mondays and Fridays is yoga.

Yoga.

- Why's she telling us this? - I don't know!

Tuesdays we'll go to the theatre. He's never seen a play.

I saw Blood Brothers.

Yes, I know you did.

(Message alert)

You expecting something?

Yes. We're expecting a text from a millionaire.

(Message alert)

Well?

All together that's 12 texts from my mum and not one of them makes any sense.

Oh, wow.

- I gave her my old phone. - How's that going?

- Biggest mistake of my life. - (Chuckles)

(Message alert)

Oh, I got an email from Emiliana who wants to hook me up with some sexy sluts from my area.

- That's nice of her. - Yeah.

- Good of her to think of me. - Yeah.

I got an email the other day offering to make my penis bigger.

Oh, great! Yeah, it's about time you did something about that.

(Laughs) That's very good.

How's Kelly's mum?

CAROL: She's, like, "Oh, my God, Mum, I've got a job in Sainsbury's!"

KELLY: I'm such a dumbo! I'm such a knob!

CAROL: Where you going, Kell? KELLY: No, I'm just laughing. It's funny.

I'm going inside to have a good laugh about it.

CAROL: Seriously, though, Derek. My daughter. She's working in Sainsbury's.

I feel like dancing.

See what I mean?

- (Mobile phone rings) - Is that your friend?

Yeah.

You better get going. You don't want to keep them waiting.

All right, Michael? I met a millionaire.

Oh, good.

- How's it going, love? - Oh, yeah, it's all good.

All good.

I just thought I'd come inside and try and clear up a load of old bits and pieces.

OK. Thanks.

Oh.

Sorry.

Don't worry.

Sorry.

- I wasn't really paying attention when I put it in. - That's OK.

- Lovely set of clubs, wasn't it? - Oh, yeah, top of the range.

Did he let you have a look at them?

Look at them? I was carrying them.

- No! - Yeah, yeah.

He was very gracious, wasn't he?

He was much more polite than he needed to be to someone like Derek.

That's nice.

Have you played this?

(Under her breath) God.

Derek just sent our millionaire friend a text. Didn't you?

Yeah. It's...sort of borderline racist.

- But in a funny way. - Oh, yeah.

That's good.

- Where are we gonna put that? - Next to the armchair.

(Sighs)

Oh, come on.

It'll be nice for me to have something to sit on.

(Sighs)

It's like...

I know it's only Sainsbury's and it's gonna be hard.

Some mornings I'm gonna have to get up at half-past eight!

I'm getting all excited about it.

About, like, working my way up to being a Sainsbury's manager and maybe one day-

I don't want to get ahead of myself-

but, like, maybe becoming the owner?

- That's not too much to ask, is it? - No. Of course not.

But Jason's, like, he wants me to go Australia.

And my mum just makes everything...

I dunno.

I just think it's hard for me cos my mum's so hilarious.

Yeah.

Whereas Jason's fine, isn't he? Cos you never say anything funny.

(Plastic bag rustles)

(Heavy bass music plays outside)

(Music pounds on car stereo)

Fucking prick.

(Mobile rings)

It's Deepak. Shit!

Shit!

- Shit, shit, shit! - Answer it.

What do I say?

Just answer it. For God's sake, Derek, don't keep him waiting. He's a millionaire.

Hello, Deepak, mate!

Derek.

Derek.

We met today at golf. Derek Evans.

The fella with the nine-iron.

Yeah.

Well, I...

You had your cards in one of the pockets of your bag,

so I sort of took one so we could stay in touch.

Oh.

Yeah. No problem.

Tell him who my husband is. Tell him about the divorce settlement!

It wasn't actually racist, Deepak.

(Chuckles nervously)

Come on. It was playful!

It's only a turban.

No...yeah, I do understand.

I can sort of see, now you put it like that, how offensive it would be, yeah.

OK. Bye, Deepak.

Sorry again, mate.

Bye.

Well, it was nice of him to call.

- What's this? - Michael's going on a date.

(Jason laughs)

- Poor cow! - Jason!

What does she do? What does she look like? Tell me all about her.

Well...her name's Lisa.

She's sort of petite, brunette and she's an administrator for the council.

JASON: How many dates you been on?

Well, one last week and...one last night.

And?

She wanted to go clubbing.

- No? - It was her idea.

- I bet you looked ridiculous! (Laughs) - Jason!

Didn't get in till three in the morning.

Michael Callum Roberts!

No wonder you look tired!

I'm absolutely bloody knackered.

(Laughter)

JASON: How old is she?

45.

- (Cathy and Jason gasp) - You dirty old sod!

Got a 13-year-old son.

Well, that's gonna be fun, bringing up a teenager.

You're such a funny old man.

Well, thank you, Jason.

Why didn't you tell me about her?

Well, it's embarrassing, isn't it?

No, why? I don't care who you go on dates with.

Well, no, I know you don't.

Sorry.

Laughing at you, it's a bit mean.

She sounds really lovely.

She is. She's really sweet, she is.

You'd better get going. I'll make you even later!

We're gonna get on with the garage. I want to get it done before Jason and Kelly go.

I think I'm gonna be doing the shed on my own, which I was a bit sad about at first

but then I realised I could charge up Dave's radio and listen to 5 Live.

I mean, that's sad, isn't it?

Me on my own in my shed listening to 5 Live while you're on a date.

I mean, what's become of me? (Chuckles)

- Well, it is a bit worrying. - (Chuckles)

Well, you better get going. See Lisa and leave me to my shed.

I've taken the fridge, Cathy.

Are you gonna introduce me to your fancy man?

- (Mobile phone rings) - That's Michael, an old friend of ours.

He was best man at our wedding.

Don't be shy, Cathy.

It must be nice to get a bit at your age.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

And you. I'm just gonna...

(Phone continues ringing)

Phwoar.

Hi, Lisa.

Hm.

Sorry. Something's come up with my mum.

You work in a school, Cathy?

Yeah, I'm one of the support staff.

- Oh, so is that like a teacher but... - Yeah.

..worse?

- (Laughs) - Erm...

Not like worse but unqualified.

(Giggles)

H&M.

Nice.

No, I help the teachers and look after the kids

who have different needs or need a bit more attention.

No wonder you get on so well with Kelly.

(Laughs)

You must be retiring soon. How old are you now?

Oh, no, I'm only 59.

Ah.

Sounds so much younger than 60, don't it?

(Chuckles politely)

When you phone a millionaire, you expect a bit of rough and tumble.

To be honest, when would Deepak ever speak to someone like Derek?

- Exactly. - Only if he was getting his car fixed.

- Yeah. - Or his drains unblocked.

Yeah.

Or at some traffic lights and they were trying to wash his windscreen.

Come on. I did that once.

(Wagon hatch slams)

- Is that all right? - Yeah.

I like apples. I'm like my mum. She liked apples.

It's great. I love it. I'm the same with cider.

Get that down me, no one's safe!

(Kelly laughs)

I was gonna say, Carol, erm...

It's gonna be difficult, isn't it, if Jason and Kelly move to Australia?

Pardon?

No, I mean, you know,

I know we can't stop them but if both our kids are gonna move to Australia,

maybe it's something we should get together about.

What d'you mean?

Oh, sorry, I thought you knew.

Jason's looking for a job there.

(Laughs) No, he's not!

(Laughs)

I think Kelly would've mentioned it to me, Cathy.

She's my daughter. No offence.

I think she would've talked to me about something as big as that

before she talked to you about it, you silly old cow!

(Carol laughs)

Maybe she's worried you're gonna laugh at her.

- What d'you mean? - You do laugh at her quite a lot, don't you?

She finds it funny.

OK.

Maybe she just hasn't got round to telling you yet.

It's what we do. I take the piss out of her.

It's funny.

- Yeah, OK. JASON: Mum?

Mum!

Is that Jason?

Oh, yes! Isn't he gorgeous?

Reg. Look at that.

Urgh! What an ugly baby!

(Laughter)

- Granddad! - What's that?

What was Jason like as a baby?

He was fucking ugly!

Stop swearing!

Why?

It's not becoming for a woman to be stood in the street swearing.

Oh, shut your face, you silly old man!

(Laughs)

That's me told.

Oh, no. He was lovely.

Apart from when he used to bite on my boobs.

- (Laughter) - Oh, Mum!

CATHY: Breast-fed until he was 18 months old.

- (Laughter) KELLY: Oh, my God!

No wonder he spends so long on mine!

(Laughs) That's enough!

Well, you should see Derek on me.

He's like a wolf on a carcass.

(Sniggering and laughter)

I like the feel of them on my face.

What was Kelly like as a baby?

Oh, my God, I tell you what...

I was a silly, ugly little thing, wasn't I?

I was a right idiot.

Dumbo baby! That's me.

- Yeah. I was probably the stupidest... - You not going?

No. No, no, she cancelled.

Oh, sorry. Sorry to hear that.

No, it's all right. It means I can help out in the shed.

Though I don't want to interrupt your exciting 5 Live moment.

Oh, don't worry about that.

KELLY: "..I want to work in Sainsbury's."

(Giggles nervously) Is that what it was like, Mum?

Go on. Tell everyone what a knob I was.

No, Kell.

You were...

You were the most beautiful silly little thing I'd ever seen.

(Laughs nervously)

I've changed now, though, ain't I? Ugly bitch!

Yeah! Look at the state of me now!

My arse is so big...

Come on, Kell. As if!

You're still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Are you taking the mickey out of me?

No, of course I'm not.

You're my Kell.

Oh, my God, Mum, you're gonna make me cry!

Oh, Jesus, don't do that!

- I know! - Don't cry, for God's sake!

- You'll never stop! - I don't know what's wrong with me!

Let's all just calm down and have a cup of tea.

That's if we can work out which tin it's in.

(Carol laughs)

(Others force a laugh)

The label on her tin of tea!

- (Carol laughs) KELLY: That's such a Cathy thing to do.

Have you seen what she's wearing?

- I know! - Yeah.

She dresses like that all the time.

You should've seen what she was wearing on her birthday!

- All right, Kelly. That's enough. - (Laughs)

Oh, no! I don't mean it, you great big hullaballoo!

- Ow! - Sorry!

♪ I got my ticket for the long way round

♪ Two bottle 'a whisky for the way

♪ And I sure would like some sweet company

♪ And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

♪ When I'm gone

♪ When I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair

♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere

♪ Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone