All language subtitles for Mum 102 February

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:04,674 (Toilet flushes) 2 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:07,357 She's coming. 3 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:12,353 - Happy Valentine's Day! - (Chuckles) 4 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:13,760 Oh, right. 5 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:15,399 Oh, thanks, Kelly. 6 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:16,675 Oh. 7 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:20,754 I thought you might not get one, so I made it on my break this afternoon. 8 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:22,957 I might have got a little bit carried away or... 9 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:24,997 Aw. 10 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,631 - (Chuckles) - (Chuckles) 11 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:28,836 No, that's love... 12 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,877 Ohh. (Laughs) 13 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,314 Aw. 14 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,278 Oh, thank you. That's lovely. 15 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:36,158 Thank you. 16 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,959 - She's good, isn't she? - Yeah. 17 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,592 I'm sort of into crafts. 18 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,114 Well, you're very good at it. 19 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,157 - Thank you so much. - (Chuckles) 20 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,073 It's fine. 21 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,391 I wasn't expecting a card from you, so... 22 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,920 - Oh, sorry. - No, it's cool. 23 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,037 I wasn't expecting one, so it's cool. 24 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,031 Have you been standing there the whole time? 25 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,233 Yep. 26 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:09,470 Great. 27 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:10,710 Don't worry. 28 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,154 I didn't hear a thing. 29 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,640 (Chuckles) 30 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,519 I love Valentine's Day. Don't you? 31 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,114 Yeah. 32 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,351 You're never too old for a bit of romance. 33 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,354 People nowadays, you know, "make love" till they're, like, well into their 60s. 34 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:25,874 I saw a programme about it. 35 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,792 It was disgusting. (Laughs) 36 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,634 - Well, not, not, not disgusting but... - (Laughs) 37 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,394 - I've set up your new iPhone. - Oh, thanks. 38 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,793 It's good you've got that, isn't it? 39 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,998 They're good for keeping in touch with people in different countries. 40 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,514 OK. 41 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,159 Yeah, yeah, that is good. 42 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,197 Yeah. 43 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:52,550 (Chuckles) 44 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:55,075 - (Sniffs) - When I said disgusting, 45 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,994 I didn't mean the thought of you shagging someone was disgusting. 46 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,434 - No? - No! 47 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,115 You'd look great doing it. Especially if you were on top. 48 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,396 (Jason laughs) Kelly! 49 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,756 What? She would. I'm being nice. 50 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,032 - I wouldn't wanna watch it. - No? 51 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,077 You wouldn't wanna watch me ride a pensioner? 52 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,311 - Oh, Mum! - No! 53 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,357 No way. No offence but... 54 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,875 You do not wanna know the things my ex made me watch. 55 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,156 When I close my eyes I can still see them. 56 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,197 - Can you give me a hand? - Yep. 57 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,317 No, no, no, no, no, no, no... 58 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,595 Is it hard being a widow on Valentine's Day? 59 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,558 Erm... A little bit, yeah. 60 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:40,075 - Kell, you gonna get ready? - Yeah, I'm coming. 61 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,392 I mean, it's just another day, isn't it, but there's lots of memories. 62 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,199 We didn't used to go out, really. 63 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,715 We just used to stay in and watch a film because... 64 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,996 Yeah. I know what you mean. 65 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:54,677 This one Valentine's Day when I was 15, I'd just been dumped by Noel Edmunds... 66 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,351 - Different one. - Oh. 67 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,238 He was in the year above. 68 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,710 And all my other friends were out with their boyfriends 69 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,679 and my mum was out with Alan and I was all alone 70 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:09,800 and honestly, Cathy, literally, I was this close to killing myself. 71 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,792 Oh, you poor thing. 72 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,553 It's not as bad as you, though, is it? 73 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,791 - Kelly! Are you getting ready? - Yes! 74 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,837 I'm just looking after your mum. 75 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,714 I love coming round here. 76 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,757 Oh, it's very nice to have you. 77 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,600 Thanks. 78 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,637 You're welcome. 79 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,513 I was just helping hang up some clothes 80 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,035 and telling her about when I got dumped by Noel Edmunds. 81 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,077 - Noel Edmonds? - Different one. 82 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:38,277 Oh... 83 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,160 (Groans) 84 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,231 ♪ I got my ticket for the long way round 85 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:45,470 ♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom 86 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,200 ♪ Two bottle a' whisky for the way 87 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:52,390 ♪ And I sure would like some sweet company 88 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,836 ♪ Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say? 89 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,674 ♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone 90 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,077 ♪ When I'm gone ♪ When I'm gone 91 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,160 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 92 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:05,433 ♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair 93 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,989 ♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere 94 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:11,118 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 95 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:16,510 ♪ I got my ticket for the long way round ♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom 96 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,752 ♪ The one with the prettiest views... 97 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,160 I'm not going in there, Derek. 98 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,197 It'll be nice. She's rented a film. 99 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:24,719 I'm not going in there, Derek. 100 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,359 Come on, please. 101 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,272 We'll just have one drink. 102 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,555 ♪ When I'm gone 103 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,400 ♪ When I'm gone 104 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,790 - She's my sister. ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 105 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,792 Don't you walk away from me, you turd. 106 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:41,915 Here she is! 107 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,116 Big sis! 108 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,351 Haven't you grown! (Laughs) 109 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,079 Happy Valentine's. 110 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,435 - You all right? - Yeah. 111 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:50,113 - Thanks for coming. - Don't be silly. 112 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,079 - It's just another night. Isn't it, Pauline? - Yes. 113 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,117 Oh, give her the, er... 114 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,159 - Oh... - Happy Valentine's Day, Cathy. 115 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:00,038 Oh, thank you. 116 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:01,634 Thanks for coming round, Pauline. 117 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,952 - No, I'm absolutely thrilled to be here. - Aw. Thank you. 118 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,670 It's exactly how I imagined myself spending Valentine's Day. 119 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:09,830 Great. 120 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,152 Pauline's baked a batch of biscuits, so we brought some for you. 121 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:14,799 What are they? 122 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:19,079 - Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime. - Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime. 123 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,310 Oh, yum. 124 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,754 Well, come in, come in. 125 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:26,835 Jason and Kelly will be going out soon, so we can get the food and watch the film. 126 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,876 - You can leave those on if you want. - I know. 127 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:35,229 Yeah. No. What I mean is, you don't need to worry about getting the carpets dirty. 128 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,277 Oh, I'm not worried. 129 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:41,515 Right, I'm just going to go and get changed and then we can order the food. 130 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,557 Lovely. 131 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,192 We've gone out. And we're having dinner. 132 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,431 That's not the same as going out for dinner. 133 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,680 Can one of you sort this out for me? I'm gonna get changed. 134 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,877 - What is it? - I rented a DVD. 135 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,952 - Did you? - Yeah. 136 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,555 - What, from a shop? - Yeah. 137 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,632 - (Jason laughing) - Oh, Cathy. (Laughs) 138 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,677 You're hilarious. (Laughs) 139 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,270 (Doorbell) 140 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,635 JASON: Want me to get it? 141 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,717 KELLY: I'll get it. 142 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,040 I'm coming... 143 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,837 - (Door opens) - Oh, hello. 144 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,474 - It's Michael, isn't it? - Yeah. 145 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,118 Come in. Come in. 146 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,954 You should have a coat on, you great big doughnut. 147 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,829 - How are you? - Yeah, I'm good, thanks. 148 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,240 - My arm hurts a little bit. - Oh, dear. 149 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:41,470 - Did you bang it? - No. 150 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:43,631 That's what I can't get my head round. 151 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:47,358 Cathy! It's Michael! He's... 152 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,794 - Why are you here? - Oh, I was just popping in. 153 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,280 - Shall I tell her that or... - No, you don't need to tell her. 154 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:56,829 Cathy! It's Michael! 155 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,719 He's just popping in! On Valentine's Day! 156 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,439 (She chuckles) 157 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,079 I'm only kidding. 158 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:04,594 Oh, hello, Michael. 159 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,080 Nice to see you. 160 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:07,355 Hi. 161 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,318 Yeah, I was just... I thought I'd pop in. 162 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,199 - Hello, Michael, mate. - Hey, Derek. 163 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:17,271 - Wasn't expecting to see you here tonight. - I'm an international man of mystery. (Laughs) 164 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,670 For God's sake, Derek. Stop laughing at yourself. 165 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,717 Just one minute, Michael. Sorry. 166 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:26,672 Kelly, love, can you, um... Can you, can you, can you show me how to get on the web? 167 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:27,910 Oh, yeah. 168 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,789 I've spent all this money on a new phone and I've absolutely no idea what to do with it. 169 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,633 - Yeah. I've got one... - Yes, Cathy. 170 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,634 So you get on the, er, "web"... (Giggles) 171 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,633 ..by tapping on Safari. 172 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:41,915 Oh, yes. 173 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,357 - I just press that button and that... - "Button"! (Giggles) 174 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:51,118 Sorry for laughing, Cathy, but honestly, "button"! 175 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:54,229 - Could I tell Jason? - Yeah, of course you can. 176 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:56,754 Jason! 177 00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,516 - Well, come in. Can I get you a drink? - No. I was... I was just popping in... 178 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,319 Jason! 179 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,437 Your mum just called an icon a button. 180 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,910 You OK, Pauline? Can I get you a drink? 181 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,469 - Have you got champagne? - Erm... No. Sorry. 182 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,394 Erm, I've got wine, beer, soft drinks. 183 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:15,756 - No champagne at all? - No. 184 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,595 Not even a little bottle squirrelled away somewhere for some petty celebration? 185 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,478 - Pauline... - I've got wine. 186 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,598 Have some white wine. It tastes the same as champagne. 187 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:26,990 You actually believe that, don't you? 188 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,673 Jason! 189 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,070 Your mum just called it a button. 190 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,880 (Laughs) Then earlier she was like, 191 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,520 "What's a gigabyte? What's a gigabyte?" 192 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:41,480 And now she's like, "Press the button. Press the button." 193 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,517 (She giggles) 194 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:46,352 - It's nice, isn't it? - Yeah, it's lovely. 195 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,277 - Jason! - (Dance music plays) 196 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,351 - (Turns volume down) - You calling me? 197 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,677 Doesn't matter. 198 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,111 Come upstairs if you want to talk to me. 199 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,874 Shouting up the stairs... It's ridiculous. 200 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,553 It's not my fault I can't hear you. 201 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,120 Text me or WhatsApp me. 202 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:05,919 Don't just shout at me. 203 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,480 It's not my fault I can't hear you. 204 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,517 (Turns music volume up again) 205 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:14,434 "Buttons". (Giggles) 206 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:18,355 Honestly, Cathy. It's the 21st Century. 207 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,909 There aren't any "buttons" on phones. 208 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,435 - What are they called, then? - Icons. 209 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:24,715 OK. 210 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,315 So what's that at the bottom? 211 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,517 - A button. - Right. 212 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:32,916 All right, Michael? What are you doing here? 213 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,071 Yeah, I just popped in to see how your mum was. 214 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,117 Happy Valentine's Day. 215 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:39,673 Thanks. 216 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,353 Not like that. 217 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:42,920 Do you want one of these? 218 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:47,040 - They were giving them out at Liverpool Street. - Yeah, one of those and I'd never sleep again. 219 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,112 (Laughs) 220 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,635 Don't take this the wrong way, Michael. (Laughs) 221 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,474 But that was really funny for you. (Continues laughing) 222 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,357 Thanks. 223 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,798 So, I've been looking at Jason's internet history... 224 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,838 Well, I know I shouldn't but I do. 225 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,671 - OK. - (Hair dryer whirs) 226 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,514 And he's been googling all about Australia. 227 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,432 (Sneezes) 228 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,000 I'm so sorry. 229 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,276 - Did stuff come out? - No, no. 230 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,397 I'm so, so sorry. It felt like stuff came out. 231 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,199 No, no, no, I think you caught most of it. 232 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,875 I'm so, so sorry, Cathy. 233 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:30,717 What is wrong with me? 234 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,234 (Spray hissing) 235 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,232 You've not got a big date tonight, then? 236 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,755 No. No. Not got the energy for all that. 237 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:47,231 Yeah, I'd be the same if I had to go out with old women. 238 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,633 - I don't know how you do it, mate. - Yeah, well, I tend to find the younger they get, 239 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,677 the less interesting they become. 240 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,190 (Mimics Scottish accent) "The younger they get, 241 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,079 the less interesting they become." (Laughs) 242 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,073 (Laughs) That was very... Very good. 243 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,597 I see your mum got a card. 244 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,032 Got the glitter on my hands. 245 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,952 Do you know who it's from? 246 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,516 "I see your mum got a card. 247 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,159 Do you know who it's from?" 248 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,197 - (Laughs) - (Chuckles) 249 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,871 I hate hot countries. 250 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,633 I sweat everywhere. 251 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,951 Even my nose sweats. 252 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,918 I get all sore round my wobbly bits. 253 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,552 He's just daydreaming, love. 254 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,792 He'll never move to Australia. Don't worry. 255 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,634 - He just wants to travel there. - I do worry, though. 256 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:43,157 I'm a worrier. My mum says I get it off my nan's nan. 257 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:47,439 Apparently she spent, like, the 1800s or whatever, like, worrying about old stuff. 258 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,193 (Chuckles) 259 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,318 I'm not going to Australia. I'm not. 260 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,754 I'd miss home. 261 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,274 I'd miss my bed. 262 00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,317 I'd miss my mum. 263 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,637 I'd miss you. 264 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,550 Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'd miss you too. 265 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:07,869 Isn't it? 266 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,191 Chop suey? That'll be nice. 267 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,237 Whatever. 268 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,960 You wanna share one or you want one to yourself? 269 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,837 This time last year I was in Sicily, Derek. 270 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,799 - She's a widow. - Oh, don't I know it. 271 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,837 Rice or noodles? 272 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,675 - Geoff took me there in a helicopter. - Yeah, well, I'm scared of helicopters. 273 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:29,719 And that's the only reason you didn't bring me here in a helicopter? 274 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:30,870 Yes. 275 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,110 - Really, Derek? - Yes. 276 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,998 - (Under her breath) Bollocks. - Pardon? 277 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,037 Nothing. 278 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,077 (Under her breath) Absolute fucking bollocks. 279 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,470 - Pardon? - Nothing. I didn't say anything. 280 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,593 Where are you going? 281 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,637 Ah. 282 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,038 - Hello. - I thought we'd lost you. 283 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:56,034 No, no. I was just, erm, upstairs wishing Jason a happy Valentine's Day. 284 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:59,234 - (Chuckles) Bit weird. - Yeah, it was, actually. 285 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,636 So you off on another lovely internet date tonight? 286 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:03,949 No, no, no. No, no. 287 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,875 I can think of far more interesting ways of having an absolutely terrible evening. 288 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,917 (Laughs) Like what? 289 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,318 Oh, sticking my fingers in a shredder. 290 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,278 Er, um, sitting on a nail. 291 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:16,430 (She chuckles) 292 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,273 Talking to Kelly about her epilator. 293 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,477 - I know what you mean. - (Laughs) 294 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,599 So, anyway... Look, I just wanted to pop in and say hello, 295 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,878 and, erm, yeah, just wanted to make sure you weren't alone. 296 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,914 - I didn't realise there'd be so many people. - (Chuckles) 297 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,914 Anyway, just, er, yeah. Just... 298 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,591 I saw you got a Valentine's card. 299 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,831 - We've chosen ours, Cath. - Oh, great. Great. 300 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,639 Come in and have a drink. 301 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,155 It's so nice of you to think of me. Come on. 302 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,200 So, I'm going to have my usual: er, chicken, chicken chow mein, chicken chop suey, 303 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,478 spring rolls, special fried rice, spare ribs, duck pancakes 304 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:01,031 and one of those soups with the, erm, with the things in it, um... 305 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:08,517 - Well, we can all share that if you think it's... - (Jason and Kelly laugh) 306 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,240 If you think it's too much for one person. 307 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,232 - You two are going out, aren't you? - Yeah. 308 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,835 Don't worry about me, Cathy, I'm easy. 309 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,274 - I'll eat anything. - OK. 310 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:18,555 Derek! Where's Derek gone? 311 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:22,998 Yeah, as long as it doesn't have meat in it or gluten or lemonade or grapes, I'll eat anything. 312 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:24,275 I know. You said. 313 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,317 - Derek! - OK. 314 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,636 - Come in the living room. - Jacob's Creek? 315 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,391 Come in the living room. Please. 316 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,312 Jacob's Creek on Valentine's Day? 317 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,676 - Have you completely lost your mind? - (Sighs) 318 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,194 KELLY: Also, just to say, Cathy, 319 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,192 - if I eat garlic my breath stinks. - Michael. 320 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,112 PAULINE: Hello, Cathy. - Oh, hello. 321 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,600 Just sorting out the food order. 322 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,478 (Sighs) Women, eh? 323 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,233 Yeah. 324 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,437 You off on a date tonight or anything? 325 00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:52,000 No, no. 326 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,835 I can think of far more interesting ways to have a terrible evening. 327 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,677 Are these sweet or salty? 328 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,237 I think they're a mixture of both. 329 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,037 It works. 330 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,952 Mm. 331 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:21,196 You're looking very nice, Pauline. 332 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,237 - Your hair's lovely. - Yes. 333 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,431 Don't you put salt in your dishwasher? 334 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:30,669 Erm... 335 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,717 Yes, I do. 336 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,154 OK. 337 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:38,553 You see, it's difficult for me because where Pauline's so good-looking... Isn't she? 338 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,438 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 339 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,671 She looks good now but you should see her naked. 340 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:43,955 She's got the lot. 341 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,679 You know, breasts. Vagina. 342 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,114 The lot. 343 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,953 - You're a lucky man. - Yeah. 344 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,509 So she's used to men taking her out for dinner 345 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,160 and opening doors for her, putting the loo seat down. 346 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,197 Not like, you know... 347 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,796 Her husband got her flowers and took her to Sicily. 348 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:02,590 But... But he was also banging her chiropodist, so... 349 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,713 I should've booked a restaurant. 350 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,757 Didn't even occur to me. 351 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,877 I booked one. 352 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,678 You booked a restaurant? 353 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:21,030 Yeah. Just in case anything came up, which, obviously, it hasn't. 354 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,316 You know. 355 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,197 So it's yours if you want it. 356 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,109 Well, thanks, mate. 357 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,157 Thanks, yeah. 358 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,357 - How much is it? - Set menu. 50 quid. 359 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,557 50 quid? 360 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,236 Blimey. 361 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,074 That's a bit expensive, isn't it? For two people? 362 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,952 Each. 363 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,156 Each? 364 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,152 How do you find cooking for one? 365 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:54,316 Oh, well, Jason's here, isn't he, and Kelly's around more and more, so... 366 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,320 I'm not much of a cook anyway. 367 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,357 Yes. Derek mentioned that. (Chuckles) 368 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:05,796 But it can get quite lonely, 369 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,717 - being in on your own... - Lonely? No. No. Never. 370 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,712 I never get lonely when Derek's at work. 371 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,634 No, I'm very comfortable with my own company. 372 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,952 The best thing that ever happened to me was getting cheated on by my husband 373 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,191 and losing all my friends. (Chuckles) 374 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,351 If anything, they were holding me back. 375 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,110 No. 376 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,714 Lonely? Not me. 377 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,191 I relish having all that time to myself during the day. 378 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:34,274 I actually spend a lot of my time now writing book reviews for Amazon. 379 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,556 Yeah... I'm doing a puzzle. 380 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:41,590 Derek bought me a puzzle mat, so I can take it to cafes, do it in the library. 381 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,592 And there's so many channels nowadays. 382 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,718 I often find myself flicking between three programmes at once. 383 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,439 So, no, Cathy. 384 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,477 I'm not lonely, no. 385 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,878 I didn't say you were, love. 386 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,437 No. 387 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,755 Right, then, darling. We're going out for dinner. 388 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:03,910 Where? 389 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,477 It was Edmunds with a U. 390 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,277 The famous one's got an O. 391 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,317 Yeah, but his parents still called him Noel. 392 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,357 Oh, no, I'm not defending it. 393 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,634 Was your Noel Edmunds anything like the famous one? 394 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,473 Oh, yeah, he was, yeah. 395 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,517 He was a horrible little bastard. 396 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,190 Are you sure you won't stay for a drink? 397 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,590 I should go and see my mum, give her a bath. 398 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:32,359 - How is that? - Yeah, you get used to it. 399 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,714 - She gave me a Valentine's card. - Oh, that's nice. 400 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,871 I think one of the nurses must have made it. 401 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,792 But, er... 402 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,554 - How many cards did you get? - Oh, tons. You know. 403 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,555 - Did you? - No. Of course not. 404 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,909 - Oh. - No, actually I did. 405 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,673 I did get one card. 406 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,274 OK? 407 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,592 - Do you know who it's from? - Yes, I do as a matter of fact. 408 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:04,071 I got a lovely, very pretty, handmade card... 409 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,356 ..from Kelly. 410 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:08,920 (Laughs) 411 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,912 Nice, nice. 412 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,232 And she stuck a flower on the back, which was a nice touch. 413 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,710 Then I realised that she'd got it from my garden. 414 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,473 (Both chuckle) 415 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,234 And Derek got me a balloon. Which was a bit weird. 416 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,277 But he does his best. 417 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,520 Kelly's started doing her hair in the kitchen. 418 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,239 - Oh, dear. That must be annoying. - Just a bit. 419 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,875 So, do you know what you're doing for your birthday yet? 420 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,917 Cathy. We're going. 421 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,235 I'll leave you to it. 422 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,040 What champagnes do they have? 423 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,679 We don't wanna drink, do we? 424 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,400 I plan to get absolutely fucking slaughtered. 425 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,153 Well, have a lovely evening, Pauline. 426 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,277 - You look gorgeous. - Yes. 427 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,591 And so do you. You look very, erm... 428 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,478 - warm. - Thanks. 429 00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,319 - Bye, then. - Bye. 430 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,596 Michael booked a table and he's not using it, so... 431 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,718 Don't worry. It's important that she has a nice night. 432 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,871 Be sure to tell me what happens in the film, Cathy. 433 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,679 We could come and watch it another time. 434 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,638 - Derek. - Bye. 435 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,677 I'm gonna text Geoff. 436 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,517 Tell him what we're doing. 437 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,275 - They gone? - Yeah. 438 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:36,592 - Thanks for doing that. - That's all right. I like to help. 439 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,154 So what are you having? 440 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,596 Oh, nothing. I'll see what's in the fridge. 441 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,434 So, um... 442 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:47,840 (Chuckles) Kelly's... 443 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:52,153 Kelly's got this idea in her head about you and Australia. 444 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:53,996 Yeah? 445 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:56,879 - What'd she say? - She reckons you're gonna move there. 446 00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,237 (Chuckles) Yeah? And what'd you say? 447 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:04,837 Well, I said you just wanted to travel there. But, yeah, she was just being Kelly. 448 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,391 Thanks. Yeah. Yeah, that'll throw her off the scent. 449 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:20,432 So, what, you are gonna move there? 450 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,395 Yeah. Or I'll start applying, yeah. 451 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,836 - I told you that. - No, you didn't. 452 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,115 - Yes, I did. - You didn't. 453 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,556 - I'm sure I did. - No. I think I'd remember. 454 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,393 But it doesn't matter. 455 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,160 - You know I've always liked Australia. - Yeah. Yeah. 456 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,072 It'll be good for me to have a new start. 457 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,470 I'll take Kelly, obviously. She's up for anything. 458 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,597 And you and me can just Skype each other. 459 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:42,114 I've thought it all through. 460 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,078 - It'll be like I never left. - Mm. 461 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,391 KELLY: Jason. I'm ready. 462 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:47,800 Coming. 463 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,430 So, Cathy, there's this app... Do you know what an app is? 464 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,989 - (Chuckles) Course she knows what an app is. - Yeah. 465 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,197 - It's short for apple. - (He laughs) 466 00:21:58,280 --> 00:21:59,714 - What? - Nothing. 467 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,077 - What else is it gonna be short for? - Anyway, you can get it on your phone. 468 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,880 It finds all the people in the area that want to have sex with you. 469 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,031 - Kelly! - What? It's Valentine's Day. 470 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,430 - She might be horny. - Oh, my God. 471 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,512 My mum does not feel horny. 472 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,398 - Do you? - Hm... 473 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:16,600 Oh, Mum. 474 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,878 All you need to do is put some pictures of your tits up, that sort of thing. 475 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,792 - Some fanny photos. - Sorry? 476 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,439 - Fanny photos. - Lovely. 477 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,477 - Kelly! - What? I'm not being crude. 478 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,791 It's what you've gotta do nowadays if you're a girl. 479 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,952 I think she'd do really well on it. She was pretty when she was young. 480 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,316 - Come on. Bye. - Bye. 481 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,357 - Take an umbrella. - Yeah. 482 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,960 - Did you talk to him? - No, I didn't get a chance. 483 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,839 Oh, Cathy. You're useless. 484 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:46,479 I don't mean it. 485 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,313 - Happy Valentine's Day. - Thanks. 486 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,357 Love you. 487 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,552 (Engine and voices on radio drown out Kelly and Jason) 488 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,517 (Engine and radio off) 489 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,077 (Groans) 490 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,597 (Doorbell) 491 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,590 - Oh, God, it's horrible out there, isn't it? - Erm, yeah, sorry. 492 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,720 Sorry, I won't keep you. 493 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,952 Erm, I just wanted to make sure you've got my mobile number. 494 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,430 Erm... Er, yeah. 495 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,830 I'm sure I've got it somewhere. 496 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,230 It's O, double seven, O, 497 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:17,200 - nine, double O, four, seven... - I think you might have to be 498 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:18,919 just a tiny bit slower. 499 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:32,274 - Right. - It's O, double seven, double O. 500 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,875 Nine, double O. 501 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,832 Four, seven, eight. 502 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,560 Four. Seven. Eight. 503 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:48,512 Right, if you ring that, 504 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:52,196 then I'll have your new mobile number on... on this. 505 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,398 (Dance music ringtone) 506 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,075 - Oh. (Chuckles) - OK. 507 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:02,789 Right, I'll go. 508 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,715 Erm, I just wanted to make sure you had my mobile number, 509 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,076 - just, you know, in case anything comes up. - Yeah. 510 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,594 You know, I'm usually in. 511 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,558 Or I'm at work. Or at my mum's. 512 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,314 And even if I'm not, it's a mobile. 513 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,312 It's... Doesn't matter where you are. 514 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,279 That's kind of the whole point of it being a mobile. 515 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:23,797 But, you know, I'll leave it on, just... You know, just in case you need anything. 516 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,792 Yeah. 517 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,837 Right, erm, yeah. 518 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,312 Yeah. Actually, I've got a spare bit of guttering if you want. 519 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,718 - Guttering? - Yeah. I'm doing my mum's. 520 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:38,157 No, I... I think I... I think I'm all right for guttering, actually. 521 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:41,278 - Ah. No, I was just trying to get rid of it. - (Chuckles) 522 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,151 OK, I'll... Yeah, I better get going. 523 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,197 Do you fancy a Chinese? 524 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:48,830 Erm... 525 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:52,152 - Unless there's somewhere you need to be. - No. No, no, no. No. 526 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,712 No, I heard you had a table booked tonight. 527 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,234 Yeah. 528 00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,277 You don't want to follow that up? 529 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,193 No. No. Wishful thinking. 530 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:04,632 Mm. 531 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,189 Yeah, well, I'm not gonna order a Chinese on my own, am I? 532 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,078 I mean, that would be really sad. 533 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:10,640 Yeah... God. Who would do that? 534 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:11,995 Yeah. 535 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,639 - Have you ever...? - All the time. 536 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,677 Mm, me too. (Laughs) 537 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,591 I'll get the menu and you can have a look. 538 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:25,273 No. I'll get the pork chow mein, chicken chop suey, spare ribs, duck pancakes, spring rolls 539 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,397 and the soup with the dumplings in it. 540 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,871 Is that a bit much for one person? 541 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:33,758 Yeah, I'll have a look at the menu. 542 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:35,797 Thanks, thanks. 543 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:37,600 Beer? 544 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,637 Yeah. Thanks. 545 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,437 (Ring pull snaps and beer fizzes) 546 00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,278 - Here you go. - Thanks. 547 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,157 ♪ I got my ticket for the long way round 548 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,155 ♪ Two bottle a' whisky for the way 549 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,150 ♪ And I sure would like some sweet company 550 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:16,711 ♪ And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say? 551 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,315 ♪ When I'm gone 552 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:21,355 ♪ When I'm gone 553 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,319 ♪ You're gonna miss me when I'm gone 554 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:25,993 ♪ You're gonna miss me by my hair 555 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:27,434 ♪ You're gonna miss me everywhere 556 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,193 ♪ Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone... 41332

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