Original subtitles

Brie?

Ty?

Brianne?

Is Brianne home?

No, she's working Saturdays now.

What's going on?

I need to speak with her

and she's not answering her phone.

What am I going to say?

She's at work.

Ugh!

You all right?

Listen, I'm really glad the

two of you guys have become

really close friends,

but you do have to understand.

Sure, just help yourself, why

don't you?

But you do have

to understand that I'm married

now, and I need you to start knocking.

Like, we need

you to start knocking.

Brianne doesn't care. She said

to herself, we're family now.

Right, and we are a family,

but see, she's actually just

too polite to say anything.

She absolutely does mind, you know.

Say I was out here having

sex with my wife on this

beautiful afternoon in this patio

on this sofa.

In the open patio in daytime?

It gets wild here.

I'm just saying, you know, we

need a little privacy, okay?

We love having you around,

but we just need our privacy.

Hey, the other day you walked

in and me and Brian were...

Let's just say that you came

in at a perfect time right

before I dropped my trousers.

Oh my god, that's gross!

Oh, do you get jizz all over

the couch where the family

sits on holidays?

It's a true story.

Remind me never to nap on

your throw pillows, jizz lord.

Okay, that's it. We're locking

the doors from this point on.

All right.

Sorry.

Jesus.

I am going through a crisis

right now and I don't need my step

bro criticizing me.

When's Breanne gonna get home?

I need to speak to her. It's urgent.

Just calm down. You can talk

to me about it. What exactly

is going on? - Girl talk.

What about? Come on, spill it.

I'm having relationship issues

with Dirk.

Oh come on, that is so not surprising.

They used to call him Dirk

the Jerk in high school. He's a douche.

He is not a jerk or a douche.

He's perfect.

Oh my god.

He's smart, funny, and

ambitious, and ugh, he's

rough, dead, gorgeous.

The problem's not him, it's me.

I'm the problem.

Did Brianne tell you anything?

I asked her not to tell a

soul, but I figured she'd tell you.

No. Unfortunately for me,

Brianne's a really good woman,

and she keeps her word.

But tell What's going on?

I need a drink.

What?

No, no, no, no, no. Come on.

What are you talking about?

It's 10 a.m.

You do not need a drink.

You could just talk to me, baby.

Like, you've been always able

to tell me everything.

Just talk to me.

You can tell me anything.

Fine.

I...

Okay.

So Dirk and I have been

together for three months, and

we've been talking about

moving in together.

I assumed he was the one,

but then I checked my email

this morning, and he wants to

up he wrote that in an email

holy shit that's fucking

immature he says I'm

emotionally immature well brace

yourself you could be a brat sometimes

oh okay bad joke bad joke

look how should I put this

dirt telling you that

you're emotionally immature it

just gives him a good

opportunity to slither

out of a real relationship

like a snake he is while at

the same time making

feel like it's you that has

the problem.

You don't have a problem.

Dirk has a problem.

Just forget about it and let it go.

No, don't you think it's a little

screwy that I can't hold on

to a boyfriend for more than

three months?

You're too hard on yourself.

When I was 24 years old, I

was so into my career

that there was no chance for

a serious relationship.

I just need more

time with him.

I really thought we were

getting somewhere.

Brianne showed me

game that I could play with

him to try to become more

emotionally mature and I

screwed it all up I

humiliated myself and now he's

never coming back

back up a step what what

game what do you guys do

what are you talking about

um well yeah I'll tell you

about the game later but

first you need to know my problem.

What? Just drop it. Come on.

You can tell me.

Don't rush me. I am a virgin.

What? You are a virgin? No way.

That's totally impossible.

You've dated way more people than

I've ever dated. How's that possible?

I want desperately

to be intimate with a guy but

can't get past kissing.

Not even oral sex?

I haven't even let a guy touch my

breast or my thighs.

My heart starts racing and I

get tense and then I push him away.

Really?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, Breanne had this

brilliant game exercise for me

to try to get more

comfortable with my body and

she gave me this sugary

edible perfume and I sprayed

it on all the places that I

was comfortable being

touched or kissed and I laid

on the bed in lingerie and

let him explore my body.

He kissed my toes, my wrists, my neck.

When he got to my thighs I freaked out.

Every cell in my body was

begging me to jump up and

run away and that's kind

of what I did.

I apologized and I told him

to look on the bright side. I was

taking so much progress.

I wore sheer lingerie that

showed my...nipples.

And I let him kiss

my neck and lick it, and

I've never let a guy lick me before.

I was just getting so far.

Right. Okay. Well, how did he

react when you pushed him away?

Well, he listened to me while

I apologized, and he told me

it was all okay, but it's

It's clearly not okay. I am not okay.

I can't be like this.

Calm down.

I'm not good enough for him.

I'm not enough. Relax, relax.

You are totally enough for him.

I just hate to say, you and

Dirk are just not meant to be together.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Just relax.

Get off these heels and just hang out.

Ugh, these fucking things.

I wore them because I was

thinking I might see Dirk today.

Just calm down.

Dirt ever rub your feet?

Are you kidding? My feet

sweat like balls in heels.

I would never let that dreamy

man rub them.

Oh come on, they don't smell that bad.

Oh, okay, okay.

They're definitely not roses.

Jesus Christ.

I need to find a guy like you.

but way more attractive

obviously oh no obviously of

course duh then I'd be more

comfortable with intimacy yes

and you know what you also

need it's a good

shrink you know what I saw a

shrink and he helped me get

over my fears of heights

I could give you his number

well he's gotta be good since

you like fly in

airplanes like all the time

yeah dude he had a really

good strategy it was

about pushing yourself in baby steps.

It's about being comfortable with being

uncomfortable, you know?

And then once you get comfortable

with being

uncomfortable, then you just

keep raising the bar a little

further and further and

further until you accomplish

the goals that you intended

to accomplish.

You

know, I can explain it weird,

but you pay him and he

explains it quite well.

I know what I'll do. What's that?

I'll go over to Dirk's

place in a trench

coat with sexy lingerie

underneath, and when he opens

the door, I'll push him

right there on the floor and

then I'll take out his cock

so he knows that I'm

emotionally mature then I'll

blow him and I'll fuck him

and I might even let

him put it ... - Okay, that's

seriously enough. Too much

information I'd never do it

Ty I'm puss I know myself

too well the very idea of it

makes the little

hairs on the back of my neck

stand up oh I don't even

like to that to me

It just tells me that you're

getting turned on by the idea of it.

It's a good thing. No, stupid.

It means I'm terrified.

I know what being turned on feels like.

So do you touch yourself?

Well, with the jacuzzi jets, sometimes.

And other times I'll put

sneakers in the dryer and sit

on top of it.

I think I even had an orgasm once.

But I've never really touched

myself sexually.

Something about that just

makes me feel dirty.

I don't even want to talk about it.

Geez, I had no idea.

I can't be like this, Tyler.

I'm going to be a 30-year-old virgin,

or I'll be like Steve Carell,

a 40-year-old virgin.

I am texting you my shrink's number.

You'll be fine.

How is that going to help me

get him back tonight?

Oh my god, just forget about Dirk.

He's a douche.

You need someone that's

willing to take- to be

patient with you and take

their time with you.

Thanks for nothing.

Look, you need to go home, Alex.

Pick up a pint of ice cream

on your way home and just call my guy.

You'll be better in no time.

I want you to help me, Tyler.

I love you. I'm comfortable with you.

I want to try out some

non-sexual touching with you

Because you're a guy. - Uh, no.

No, thank you.

What are you doing?

Come on, motherfucker.

Enough with shoving me. That's it.

You gotta be nice to me, Alex.

What are you gonna do?

Call my mom or your dad on me?

We're fucking adults, so come

on and be a good brother and

be a good sport.

The first thing I want to

try out is holding hands.

Alright.

How's it feel? Not bad.

Usually I'm nervous.

Yeah, well your hands are a

little clammy, but hey not bad.

Strike one! Be nice.

Okay. Okay. I'm sorry

Just hold my hand. Okay.

I'm trying to grow emotionally.

I'm really trying. - I'm with you girl.

Let's do it

Why don't you try kissing my hand

Come on, I need you to do

it like in the romance

movies, the period romance movies.

What? Like the movies?

That was good.

Yeah? There you go.

Well, here, try the inside of my elbow.

Come on.

Tyler!

You gotta do it all romantic-like.

Remember when we used to put on plays?

Well, do it like that.

Just pretend I'm Brianne.

You are going to owe me so

big for this.

Is that good?

Yeah, it's really good.

No, Alex, wake up!

I'm talking about your anxiety, girl.

You good? Oh, yeah.

You know, so far so good.

Alright, so we're done.

No, no, try my shoulder and my cheek.

Come on. Oh, man.

Fine.

I'm quick though. Alright, come here.

Okay, you ready?

Okay, on the mouth now?

Just a peck?

What?

Absolutely not.

I'm not making out with my

stepsister, Trippin.

I am not asking for that.

Okay, don't be like that.

I want to try on one of Brianne's bikinis.

What?

Why?

I want to do like you said.

You know, raising the bar.

I want you to try somewhere

else, like my stomach or

behind my knees. Absolutely not.

I'm not going to have a

discussion with Brianna of why

her bathing suits were in the laundry.

All because you have a

kissing experiment.

No way.

Oh, you know, you're right.

We should probably keep this

between us.

Oh, you think?

What are you doing?

I'm wearing a bra and panty under it.

It's just like a bikini.

You're so immature. I'm immature?

You're the one with maturity problems.

Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

No, no, no, no.

Me? No. Your feelings? Absolutely not.

I'm just, uh,

I'm just thinking about the

neighbors around and what they

might think.

Your neighbors are at

work, motherfucker.

Come on, don't

slow me down. I want to keep

moving while my heart rate is up.

Wait, just, hey, don't call

me another name, okay? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You are so sensitive.

Golly!

Okay, now kiss me here.

I don't know. I think my

wife might think this is a

little too far.

Come on, Ty. Brianne doesn't

have to know everything.

Please, help me, Ty. You're good?

Mm-hmm.

No, please don't stop, try

here, here, try here, no,

with your tongue like you did my toes.

Okay.

My thighs, to my thighs, come

here, I want to smell you.

Huh?

Come on, I want to close my

eyes and pretend you're him.

Do I smell like him?

No, you smell like home.

Ty?

Your belt's poking me.

I don't have a belt on.

I, uh, we should stop this.

Wait.

What?

Let me grind on it.

What?

No, no, no, actually not.

No, I can pretend it's him.

What?

It's crazy.

Shut the fuck up.

Just please shut the fuck up.

No, no, no, we have to stop

this because if we go any

further it's going to be

really impossible to stop it

and I won't be able to say no.

You mean your body won't let you?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Oh.

What are you thinking?

I'm so wet. I can feel the wetness

trickling down my thigh.

Maybe if I can get this wet

with him, then it won't hurt

my first time.

I think it's always going to

hurt your first time.

It's just the way it goes for the

first time, right?

Do you want to see it?

Nobody's ever seen it.

You've never had like a

gynecologist, you know,

examination or anything? - I wish.

If I did, then I'd go and

have somebody look at it so

they could tell me if it was normal.

Girl, please.

I'm sure it's normal. It's

perfectly fine.

I'm gonna have Breanne look

at it when she gets home.

Oh my god, please.

Whenever you do, can you just

not show my wife your pussy?

Then you look at it.

Come on, just tell me if it's normal.

Alright, fine. Let's just get

this over with. Let me see it.

Okay. You ready?

Yeah.

What do you think?

Does it look normal?

Yeah. - On the inside too?

Yeah.

Can you see how wet I am? SPLIT HERE - Jesus Christ.

Please. Lay on top of me, Ty.

You can keep your clothes on. - Um, yeah.

Okay, oh

I want to taste you.

Wrong answer.

I want my tongue to dance

around the head of your cock

like I just did in your mouth. - No, we can't.

I know you want me.

That is true

Oh

I said, I wanted to taste you.

you want it, right? - Yeah, yeah! She opens his pants. Are you sure you want this. Shut up! Just shut up. They kiss again.

You like it like that? - Yes.

Oh! Is it okay if I gag on it?

Oh my god, yes.

Really?

Like this?

Yeah.

Does it hurt?

No.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Does this look normal?

Yeah.

Great.

Really?

What does it feel like when you

do lick it? - You sure?

Yeah. Come on.

Before I lose my nerve.

It's really good.

Does it taste good?

It's so much better than the Jets.

Oh my God.

That's so nice.

I can't wait anymore.

Huh?

I don't want my first time

to be with Dirk.

What are you talking about?

I might fuck it up.

I'll fuck it up. What are you saying?

I need you to do it.

To have sex with you?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Tyler, if you ask me if I'm

sure again, I'm gonna hit you.

Okay, okay.

Please?

Before I get scared. Oh! Like that?

Don't hit it!

I'm sorry, I just naturally ...

I just rub it on there first?

Yeah.

Tell me it's gonna be okay ...

It's gonna be good.

It's gonna be really good, right?

It's gonna be really good

for me, I don't know about you.

Shut the fuck up, I hate you!

It's not time for joking! - You ready?

I will put my foot in your face.

OMG! Slow slow slow!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my

god it's going in.

Oh my god try to be careful

Oh, it's so tight.

I'm nervous. You good? You sure?

Oh my god! Oh, slow down.

I'm just going to keep it in for a sec.

Okay.

Just moving it slow. SPLIT - It feels so good.

Yeah, do that.

Yeah.

More.

Really?

Yeah.

Huh?

Yeah, pretend I'm Brianne.

Oh my god.

You're almost there.

You're almost there.

Is it good when I do that?

Oh fuck, it's so deep. Fuck, yes.

Yes, I think so. Oh my god.

Oh my god.

You really do fuck on the patio.

Oh my god, huh? You're such a perv.

Holy shit. Oh fuck.

Keep the legs up like that.

I want it back.

I can do it. I can do it.

Oh my god, yeah. Oh fuck.

Yeah, yeah, I can do it.

Holy shit.

Does it feel good, Ty? Oh my god, yeah.

Oh fuck. Oh fuck, yes, Ty.

Show me how you do it.

Oh my god.

Yes, show me how you do it.

Oh, fuck, yes.

Can I move too?

Oh my god, Doug. Oh, fuck.

Oh my god.

I feel like something's gonna happen.

Please keep going.

Please.

Please.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

If you don't stop.

I'm gonna come. I feel like

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna come. Fuck.

You don't like that! Oh my

god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

I don't stop!

Fuck, keep going, keep going,

it's so good!