Original subtitles

[Radio reporter] The I-10 Santa Monica Freeway westbound is jammed,

due to a three-car accident blocking lanes 1 and 2

just past Hoover Street.

In Van Nuys, there'’s stop-and-go traffic

on the 405 southbound from Victory Boulevard...

Hey. Loser. Get up, you'’re late.

Ow.I need money.

For what?

Food.

[sighs]

I'’ve only got $2.00. How much is a Happy Meal?

[scoffs]

Good morning, Thea.Oh, hi.

There'’s this little thing called rent. Ring any bells?

I'’ll give it to you Monday. You have my word.

Could you put your word on an actual check sometime?

[bus approaches]

♪ Shut your, shut your mouth ♪

♪ You better seize this moment ♪

♪ Let'’s don't dare disown ♪

♪ Let'’s make out ♪

♪ I'’ll never ever get you ♪

♪ Mrs. Complete Enigma

♪ But you seem to have your moments ♪

♪ That really matters

♪ Hey

♪ Hey, I don'’t love you ♪

♪ But I love, love, love you ♪

♪ And I don'’t miss you ♪

♪ But I miss, miss, miss you ♪

♪ Inconsistent roller coaster ♪

[Man] Whoo! Look at that foxy momma!

Hey.

Hey, look.

I, uh, I saved you one of these.

It wasn'’t easy. These people are animals.

Thanks. It'’s all downhill after the doughnut.

Hey. Let'’s go camping right now.

[Man] Can I get my coffee?

Don'’t tempt me. You know I can'’t.

Come on. Don'’t be such a buzz kill.

Just call in sick from work.

Oh, Miles.

It was hard enough getting Monday off.Hey.

You really need to bail on this lame job, babe.

Well, bailing isn'’t exactly in my vocabulary right now.

I gotta go. I'’m late. I'm late. I'’m late.

Alarm clock on the fritz again?

[phone ringing][Man] Thea! Thea!

Four minutes after 9, Thea.

We agreed to 8:59.

I know. I'’m sorry.

I'’ve got your coffee, piping hot.

Greg already got it for me.

All right. Let'’s get started.

I found two errors in your transcription.

Ur-Nammu, the Mesopotamian ruler, has a hyphen in his name.

Are you sure? I checked it in the Oxford English Dictionary.

You should always cross-reference with the Military Encyclopedia.

It is the definitive source.Absolutely right, Greg.

Thea, the intern shouldn'’t be more thorough than you.

You have to remember that every mistake you make

impacts history. You'’re right.

I'’m sorry I didn't give enough thought

to the long-reaching impact of a missing hyphen.

Well, think of it next time. Or someone else will.

There are a million people out there

who'’d kill for your job.

The secretary to the publisher is a--

It'’s a dream for so many of us.

I have a big project for you.

Maybe you can make up for this morning'’s mistakes

by acing this one.

Okay. What can I do for you?

MacArthur rolled in some poop.

Again?

She'’s got one good eye, Thea.

I don'’t appreciate you taking that tone.

Now.

[whispers] Hi, there.

Let'’s really try

and nail it this time, shall we?

Good girl. [yelps]

[whining]

No way. She rolled in poop again?

Um-hmm.

How come Greg never has to wash her?

To be honest, I'’m just glad

I don'’t have to wash the poop off Greg

since he spends most of his time

with his head up Jerry'’s ass.

Tell me about it.

Last week he CC'’d me on an email to Jerry

complaining that I ordered too many rainbow Post-Its.

Said it creates a party atmosphere.

MacArthur. Come here, MacArthur.

MacArthur. MacArthur.

[MacArthur whimpering]

Do you think we'’ll ever get out of here?

[Lisa] Well, how long till

your little sister graduates college again?

Five years. Five long years.

[sighs] Wow.

When you finally ditch this place, I'’m gonna leave, too.

I can'’t survive this hellhole without you.

And to be honest, I don'’t even know

if I'’m gonna survive Monday without you.

Your rainbow Post-Its should help.

Ha ha ha ha.

Okay, just promise me

that when you'’re celebrating with Miles

the big 2-5,

you'’ll have two extra shots for me.

Done. Two for you,

two for me, and two for MacArthur.

And cold beer chasers and a sliced lime.

Oh. Gets me right here.[chuckles]

What is MacArthur eating?

Oh, that'’s not good. Okay.

Hold on. No, no, no, that'’s soap.

Well, Thea, you are a sopping mess.

I know. I'’m sorry.Well, don'’t apologize.

This one has two staples.Yeah, and?

It'’s bad feng shui.

It might be nice to give the agenda

to the guy with the disability first.

Well, when I gave you yours first last month,

you reprimanded me for giving you special treatment.

Well, I certainly don'’t like

your giving me special backtalk.

Good morning, everyone. Ready for Abbotts?

[phone ringing]Oh, sorry.

[Man on phone] Hey. Let'’s have another round.

Uh, Johnny. Johnny, my good man.

How'’s the book coming? J.

War. What is it good for?

Apparently, lots of things, Jerry.

[laughs][whimpers]

Uh, maybe if you could just

tell us what chapter you'’re up to.

Sweet.

Pigs in the blanket for everybody on me!

[dial tone] All right. Bye-bye, John.

Hemingway used to write in bars.

Ah. Oh. We'’re so pleased

you decided to bless us with your presence, Nicky.

Sorry. Uh, bad traffic.

Hmm. Got hung up at the divorce lawyer'’s office?

I kind of wanted that to be private, Jerry.

Hmm, well, privacy is for people who are on time.

[clears throat]

So how'’s Abbotts'’ book coming?

Well. Extremely well.

There'’s a method to his mad genius.

And now we'’re ready to go over the cost report,

whenever you feel like presenting it.

Oh, okay.

Uh, sales for The Complete History of Bullets

are below projections.

Uh, marketing says people have been intimidated

by the 1,400-page length.

Well, there are a lot of bullets in the world.

It'’s not like we'’re making it up.

All right. Let'’s talk about the next order of business.

I'’ve given this a lot of thought.

[sighs]

Next week'’s softball game.

Now, we'’re all tired of losing to Presidio,

so I'’m moving Garth to shortstop.

Finally.Actually, I'’m not quite finished, Jerry.

Nick, I'’ve already told you.

You'’re staying in left field. We need you there.

This isn'’t softball-related.

You know our textbook writer Suzie Cavendish?

Of course I know her.

I read her new manuscript,

and I thought it was really good.

How did you get a manuscript?

I ran into her at lunch, and she told me about her book.

You don't send the accountant your manuscript.

Thanks for your efforts, Nick.

But I'’ve already told Suzie it'’s not for us.

[MacArthur groaning, whimpering]It'’s not our subject matter.

Baby? What'’s wrong?

MacArthur? What'’s wrong with you?

Come here. Baby. What'’s wrong? What is wrong?

[whining]Talk to Daddy.

What happened?[retching]

[continues retching][Woman] Eww.

What did you feed her?

I'’m so, so, so sorry about your dog.

I just scheduled a full body scan for MacArthur on Monday.

Oh, well, I have the day off Monday,

but I'’ll take her first thing Tuesday.

Oh, you'’ll take her Monday.

But I asked for this time off

two months ago.

It'’s just one day.

I promised my boyfriend I'’d go camping with him

for his 25th birthday.

It'’s your boyfriend's 25th birthday?

Yeah, it is.

God, I-- I had no idea.

I'’m sorry.

Why don'’t you take the whole week off?

Really? No!

Okay. No problem.

Come on, things can'’t be that bad.

Okay. Let'’s see what I have to look forward to in life.

Washing my boss'’ dog.Mm-hmm.

Blow-drying my boss'’ dog.Mmm. Um-hmm.

Taking my boss'’ dog for a CAT scan.

I'’m officially a pathetic loser.

Well, at least we still have Skittles and cigarettes.

Maybe you and Miles can reschedule the weekend.

[Thea] Oh, yeah. I'’ll see if Miles can reschedule his birthday

to a day that'’ll be good for Jerry.

You know, maybe Jerry'’s on to something.

Who needs a significant other

when you'’re dating your own dog?

Jerry'’s repulsive.

I mean, have you smelled his breath lately?

He'’s lucky he can get a dog to date him.

You know, it'’s one thing

if Jerry is an undersexed jerk

who takes no joy in life,

but why does he have to make the rest of us that way?

I hate him.

In my office. Now!

You'’ve got some pretty strong opinions

about my personal choices.

You find my relationship with MacArthur

something to deride?

Not at all.

I totally respect your devotion to animals.

I think you'’re involvement with PETA is inspiring.

Don'’t bullshit me.

I'’m sorry. I didn'’t mean any of it.

It was childish and inexcusable,

and it won'’t happen again.

If you hate me so much,

I don'’t really think it'’s healthy for you

to continue working with me.

P-Please, you can'’t do this.

Watch me.But I need this job.

Here I go.I'’m supporting my little sister.

You'’re fired.But I'’m--

You'’re what? I'’m--

You'’re...

I'’m pregnant!Pregnant?

Yes. Pregnant. Totally pregnant.

And the doctor says that the chemicals or hormones or whatever

are messing up my system and you can'’t take anything I say too seriously.

Except for when I say I'’m pregnant because, you know, I am.

[Thea] Oh, God.

[no audible dialogue]

[chuckles]When are you due?

"Octember." I mean, October.

October what?

Uh, probably the 6th.

Could be the 7th, could be the 8th.

But fingers are crossed for the 6th.

I mean, by then I'’ll just be, like, "Get this thing out of me."

You'’re almost four months pregnant?

Yeah. Isn'’t that crazy?

Feels like yesterday I wasn'’t.

But I was because I'’m four months.

The legal department is backing your story

about not being able to fire a pregnant woman,

no matter how much she might deserve it.

So get back to work.

Thank you so much, Jerry.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you. From both of us.

[gasps] Oh.

Congratulations on the baby.

The entire legal department is thrilled.

Hey, why didn'’t you tell me earlier?

Oh, I know.

Probably because there'’s so much

that can go horribly wrong.

I mean, I'’m out of the woods. But I do everything right.

Anyway, so I'’m having my baby first,

not that it'’s a competition.

But I win. [giggles]

Anyway, no, really, congratulations.

Oh, Thea!

Oh, I'’m so excited for you.

No wonder you'’ve been spacey lately.

[Garth] What's going on?Oh, everybody, Thea'’s pregnant!

Don'’t look at me. I never touched her.

Never would have guessed. You still look pretty sexy.

[Lisa] Wow.Yeah. I had to tell everyone.

Couldn'’t keep it a secret any longer.

No. Yes. Of course.

How can you hide that kind of thing?

I should'’ve known. My left knee'’s been hurting.

When my knee hurts, it usually means someone'’s pregnant.

Really?Yeah, or they'’re stuck underwater in a car.

But, anyway, I'’m glad it's this.

So who'’s the very lucky fella?

Oh, you didn'’t tell 'em the rest of the news?

Thea and Miles are engaged.

[all] Oh!Awesome.

That is so great.

I mean, I got married before I got pregnant,

but, you know, better late than never.

Whoo-hoo! Yay for you.

Yeah, I'’m-- I'm really excited, everyone.

Yeah, thrilled.

Over the moon. Way over it.

Pregnant. It'’s brilliant.

Where did you come up with that?

Oh, I saw it on an episode of Law and Order.

Yeah, you can'’t fire a pregnant woman.

Discrimination, lawsuits, bad mojo, whatever.

Smart.

By the way, thanks for your help.

Pregnant wasn'’t bad enough.

I had to get engaged.

Well, I didn'’t want people to think

you were some kind of wayward skank.

Oh, is that what you think of single mothers?

No, of course not.

I just happen to know that a lot of people in the office

think you'’re a wayward skank.

And I thought this could turn it around.

Oh, thanks. [sighs]

Crap, Lisa. What am I gonna do?

How am I gonna get out of this?

Can'’t we just say that, you know,

something happened to, uh, I don'’t know,

one of your tubes?

Sprung a leak.

Do you have any idea what you'’re talking about?

Let'’s just go along with it for a little while

and then we'’ll say it was a false alarm.

That you thought you were pregnant,

but it turns out you just had crabs.

Eww.

I'’m so sorry, Em.

I had a crazy day at work, and I lost track of time.

Am I too late?

Well, the meeting was at 4, and it'’s 5:00 now.

You do the math.

I'’m really sorry.

Have you been drinking?

I had a cocktail.

Oh, come on. You'’re 17.

You should be out drinking and smoking.

I promise I'’ll reschedule

with your guidance counselor next week.

Don'’t bother.

I already met with Miss Talbert,

and we discussed my options.

What options?

Well, she suggested I start taking

some cooking classes after school.

Well, you have tennis after school.

Yeah, but I'’m sick of tennis.

I was thinking maybe I could go to

the Culinary Institute in San Francisco.

No way.

You're staying right here and going to UCLA.

Tennis will cover the tuition,

and I'’m busting my ass off to cover the rest.

I know.

You keep telling me when Mom and Dad died

we lost out on options.

Just do me a favor. Be a grownup

and accept the hand that you'’ve been dealt.

So that'’s what you do?

Yeah, that'’s what I do.

Um, really?

'’Cause you were at a bar

instead of my parent/teacher conference.

Oh, hello, Mr. Abbotts.

Jerry? Jerry, where you?

Mr. Abbotts, can I help you?

Is there anything to drink in this place

or do I have to go to my car and get my divining rod?

Sir, I could get you some water.

Why don'’t you do that, soldier?

Three parts Scotch, one part water.

Okay. Move, move, move!

Hey, soldier. How are you there?

What brings you to the office?

Well, your brother wants my book.

Jerry'’s at lunch,

but Thea can take your manuscript for you.

Who'’s Thea?

She'’s Jerry's secretary, John.

You talk to her every day.Yeah.

Uh, and congratulations are probably in order.

Thea just got good news. She'’s having a baby.

Well, she looks like she'’s strong stock.

Maybe she can give us a strong future Marine.

Thea, do you have a minute? So, uh, how are you?

Fine, thanks. You?Oh, I'’m fine.

But I'’m not the one with a magical bundle of joy growing inside of me.

So no morning sickness? No bloating?

No. Nuh-unh. Guess I'’m just really lucky.

A little too lucky, if you ask me.Yeah.

[sighs] And, uh, where-- where is your ring?

Well, we--Her fiancé is saving up for her ring.

You know, it'’s not very nice to try to embarrass people.

So why don'’t you get back to lying about yourself on your dating websites?

Don'’t worry about him. He doesn'’t know anything.

He'’s an idiot.

And I'’m sure

[shouting] Greg is still a virgin!

[Woman] Let'’s go, Jerry.

[cheering]

You'’re out. Hey, watch it!

Dumb ass!

[Woman] Come on, Nick!

Come on, Nick! You can do it.

[MacArthur whimpering][cheering]

Come on, Nick![Man] Get us a hit.

Get us a hit. Come on.

Hit it!Oww!Ball.

Take your base.

Take a base.[Man] He got on base!

Come on!

Come on, Thea. Let'’s go, Thea.

[cheering]

Go, go, go!

Go, go!

Come on, come on, come on!

Go home!Come on!

Safe! [cheering]

Whoo. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'’m great.

Way to go, Thea.

Come on, Colonel. You can do it.

Yeah!Nicely done! That was great.

Uh, Thea?Yeah?

Kristen? Yes.

Come here, please.

You shouldn'’t be playing in your condition.

What condition? Um, your baby, dum-dum.

[Garth] Lisa, could you get your ass out on base, please?Oh, yeah.

That'’s right. Of course.We are taking you out.

For the season.Yes.

[sighs]All season.

[Garth] Yeah, Colonel![Jerry] Pull the trigger on it, Colonel!

[cheering]

Hey, thanks for the RBI.

Yeah, well, no more RBIs.

Jerry says I'’m a liability, so I can'’t play.

'’Cause I'm pregnant.

Well, sounds like the most reasonable opinion

he'’s had in years.

[cheering]

Yes!

[barking]

[barking, yelp]

[all] Aah!Oh!

MacArthur?

Get off!

Call an ambulance!Oh, it'’s okay.

I'’m coming for you, baby.[barking]

Daddy'’s got you.

[Man] ...on earth, as it is in heaven.

I need a copy of Abbotts'’ manuscript.

I'’m going to read it in the car

on the way to his funeral.

What? You'’ve never seen a manuscript on napkins before?

When genius strikes, you write it down.

Do it now.Okay.

Oh, Thea, should you still be using the copier?

Copy machines emit electro-magnetic waves.

And what does that do?

Well, no one knows yet.

But I'’ve been reading on the message boards,

and it seems like something you should avoid

if you'’re trying to have a well pregnancy.

I think it should be okay.

Oh, good.

Well, if it doesn'’t bother you,

then can you make 50 copies of that for me?

Thank you.

You know, I find it fascinating that Kristen

is only a month further along than you

and yet she'’s the size of a school bus,

while you'’re still over here looking like Kate Moss.

Uh, different strokes, I guess.

Perhaps it'’s easier to feel the bump,

than to see it.

What'’s the big deal?

Everyone likes to touch a pregnant stomach.

Because you'’re a gross weirdo, Greg.

Hmm.

And the baby doesn'’t like gross weirdoes, Greg.

[inhales sharply] Hmm?

Okay. Um, you and me are going shopping after work.

What on earth are you doing?

I'’m stealing you a belly.

What? Shh!

You'’re four months pregnant,

and you'’ve got the abs of a GQswimsuit model.

Shh. Cover me.Okay.

Look--Oh, my G--

If you want people to think you'’re pregnant,

you gotta start talking the talk

and walking the...waddle.

I don'’t know if I can do this.

You can do this.

Just do it for a week.

But you gotta look the part

or people are gonna get suspicious.

I look ridiculous.

These jeans are elastic on the top.

I feel like I'’m wearing a condom on my stomach.

Trust me.

You don'’t look like you've been anywhere near a condom.

Gross.

Did you know that when women are in labor,

they sometimes poop?

Eww.

Have you ever heard of an episiotomy?

Ehh. Or cankles?

Ohh.

Well, we should get this as a reference.

I thought this whole thing was going to blow over in a few days.

Well, it will, but until then,

you should know the ins and outs of being preggers.

I mean, there'’s a whole world of stuff here

you know absolutely nothing about.

Yeah, and I'’d kind of like to keep it that way.

Eww!

Look at those nipples.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

What?Here. Here.

No, no, no, no! Can I keep the stomach at your house?

No, that'’s like keeping your arm at my house.

It'’s your stomach. It stays with you.

I don'’t want Emma to find out. I don'’t want Emma to find out.

She hates when I lie.You lie all the time.

No, really.It stays with you.

It'’s your stomach.Uhh.

[knocking]

Hey, can I get a little privacy in here?

What are you doing in there?

Can I just come in for a second?

I'’m trying to talk to you.

It doesn'’t matter what I'’m doing right now.

I am busy right now. Shoo!

Morning, Thea. Got my check?

Wow, look at you.

Yeah, look at me.

Oh, it'’s not what--Oh, geez.

I mean, you'’ve obviously got a lot on your plate.

Um, I'’m sorry about the other day.

Don'’t worry about the rent check.

Take another week or two.

You just take care of yourself.

Oh, my God.

Oh, how exciting!

I have so much baby stuff I can lend you.

Just let me know if you need to borrow my old breast pump.

I just have to rinse it.Okay.

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Ooh, yeah

My favorite lubricant, Ann? WD-40.

Oh, Thea.

I made some brownies for you to fatten you up.

Oh, thank you.You popped!

Yeah, well, once you pop, you can'’t stop.

Oh, well, you'’re carrying low. It'’s definitely a boy.

Well, whatever it is, you'’ve obviously begun

that slippery slide into obesity.

Ah, well, you had a nice run there, didn'’t you, champ?

Yeah, thanks.

Oh. Good morning.

[whispers] Look at you.

Oh, my God. I think I just felt it kick.

Oh. Yeah, mark it in the baby journal for me, will you?

I will.

Are people buying it?

Totally. Totally.

Ann made me brownies.

I got a seat on the bus today.

And Garth is not attracted to me anymore.

Oh. I know.

It'’s been the best morning I'’ve had in years.

Okay, you want to hear something even more amazing?

Have you read Abbotts'’ new manuscript?

I get asked to Xerox, not to read.

Okay, get ready to have your mind blown.

Uh, "Philip of Macedon had a hard-on.

Scaled great peaks to conquer the Greeks."

It'’s all rhyming couplets and dirty limericks.

And this is what Jerry'’s betting the bank on.

It'’s insane.

Oh, you'’re welcome.

[chatter]

You look different.

Sorry, I'’ll move you to the shady corner

in just a second, sir.

It'’s all right, dear.

You'’ve got your hands full.

You'’ve exploded.

Why yes, she has.

[clears throat]

Well, people,

I'’m sure you'll be relieved to hear

that MacArthur is expected to make a full recovery.

I'’ve gotten her a spot at the McElroy Center

for Veterinary Rehabilitation in Bethesda.

It'’s the best in the country.

They tell me she should be at 90%

tail-wagging capability after just six weeks.

I'’m going to be out of the office for a little while.

I'’ll be working out of the rehab center in Bethesda

where I'’ve taken a room

for the duration of MacArthur'’s stay.

Until I get back,

Nicky will be holding down the fort.

I'’ll be giving him strict instructions

not to do anything stupid.

[Garth] Code Red.

Seriously, Nick,

don'’t blow it.

Check it out.

There'’s our fearless leader

plotting our brilliant future.

Well, at least, with him in charge

I'’m off the hook.

Well, things are looking up.

Okay, let'’s figure out how to get me out of this mess.

I'’m going to Google what kind of mishaps

can happen when you'’re pregnant.

Hi, guys. Sorry to bother you.

Uh, you'’re the boss now, Nick.

You can bother us anytime you want.

Right.

Um, Thea, I kind of need a favor.

Would you-- Would you come with me?

We'’re meeting Suzie Cavendish.

You may remember.

I mentioned her in the meeting last week.

You see, Suzie'’s written this hilarious book

about pregnancy.

It'’s true stories about pregnant women

getting stuck in bathtubs

and throwing up under their desks at work.

And farting by mistake in meetings.

Stuff you must know a lot more about than me.

Obviously.

Yeah, totally. Totally.

I mean, I'’m trying really, really hard

not to fart right now.

Anyway,

I want to publish Suzie'’s book.

And while Jerry'’s gone, I'’m going to do it.

You know, carpe diem and all that stuff.

Yeah, definitely.

I actually used to be

a pretty carpe diem- type person myself.

But not anymore.

Because I'’m pregnant.

Well, you see, that'’s just it.

Suzie'’s not convinced that Steinwald'’s

the right place for her book,

so I thought you might help convince her otherwise.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, I'’ll just talk to her about

the whole farting thing.

One thing.

Uh, Suzie kind of thinks you'’re an editor.

Why would she think that?[whispers] I kind of implied it.

What? Suzie!

Hi.

Nice to see you.Good to see you.

Most pregnancy books make you feel totally inadequate

and how you'’re destined to be a failure as a parent.

No one writes about what pregnancy is really like.

How you feel fat and clumsy and stupid.

The absolute worst

is What to Expect When You'’re Expecting.

Have you read that?

Oh, no.

I was told it was so bad I shouldn'’t even go near it.

So what are you reading?

Uh...

you know, just the usual suspects.

Like?

Well, I was banking on finding

Pregnancy For Dummies.

I love that series. Yeah.

Hmm. Interesting.

Come on, Nicky.

How can you guys sell my book

if you'’re not even familiar with the competition?

Well, Thea has had a pretty full workload lately.

I don'’t know, guys.

I don'’t know if this is the right marriage. I mean, come on.

From the people who brought you the Kalashnikov diaries

comes a comedic send-up of 21st Century pregnancy?

It'’s just the right home is so important.

I know. Suzie, we are the right home.

I mean, sure our plumbing is a little leaky,

and, uh, maybe we need a new paint job.

But our backyard is a really great place

for a barbeque in the summer.

You know?

Look, if we can make a bestseller

out of The Defeat of Darius III at Isis, we'’ve got to be good.

I mean, that couldn'’t be easy, right? Absolutely.

Yeah, and the thing about pregnancy is

it'’s incredibly messy.

And those other books are teaching you

how to avoid the mess.

Well, you'’re embracing the mess.

And you'’ve written an incredible,

insightful, hilarious, controversial manifesto.

And just-- just give us a shot.

It has bestseller written all over it.

We promise we won'’t let you down.

So you'’ve read it?

Oh, I live it. Love it. Every day.

Let me think about it.

Hey, I'’m starting a new birthing class tomorrow.

Maybe Thea could take off early and come with me.

Oh, absolutely. She'’ll be there.

And bring your partner.

Uh, her fiancé.

Miles, right?

Yeah.

Could you excuse me for a second?

Yes.

Vodka, straight up.

Thanks.

You okay?

I just set the world record for bullshitting.

What happened?

Long story.

The point is I can'’t handle doing it again.

A promotion?

You are the new associate editor

of our brand-new family division.

Family division?

Suzie just called.

She wants to give us a shot thanks to you.

Now Suzie'’s book will launch our new division.

It'’s a perfect opportunity to capture a new demographic

and help the company to grow vertically and--

Nick, look. There'’s something I need to tell you.

This whole thing is a big lie

and I feel really terrible

but I'’m not really--An editor?

I know.

I'’m the one who forced you to lie.

Which as a rule, isn'’t great.

But what'’s not a lie,

is that you did really good today.

There'’s so many people more qualified.

So many people!

In ways you don'’t even know.

Thea,

to be a good editor, all you need

is a feel for the material.

It'’s what my father had

when he started this company.

And it'’s what you obviously have.

You'’re living through the thrills and challenges

of starting a family right now.

What about Kristen?

She'’s pregnant.

Obviously, I am too,

but she'’s-- she's-- she'’s really pregnant.

First of all, Kristen'’s a lawyer,

without a creative bone in her body.

And then there'’s the indisputable fact

that she'’s a complete weirdo.

Oh. Look, Nick,

I mean, I see your point.

I do. And I want to help.

But I just...

I-- I can'’t.

Thea, I'’m not your accountant.

But the other thing you should know is that

associate editors make a lot more money than secretaries.

A lot?

Let'’s just say you'll have your own secretary

and your own office.

So are you my new associate editor?

[sighs] I guess I am.

Great.

War Stories From the Pregnancy Front,

by Suzie Cavendish.

You loved it. You live it.

You should probably read it.

I do. I agree with that.

I agree with what you'’re saying.

I think if you have your colon health, you do have everything.

But I do-- I thought it interesting

when you said we are actually going wrong.

Going wrong. And we should be

sort of on the seat like a gargoyle,

as opposed to just sitting...

[sighs] Not now, Miles.

Aw, come on.

Don'’t you know enough about being fake pregnant already?

How can this be this big of a deal?

I mean, come on, you do the nasty,

you get knocked up,

you inflate, and then

eight, nine months later-- nine months?

Nine months later, you shoot that puppy out.

I mean, how can there be 8 million books about this?

Just promise me you won'’t write one.

Okay.

If you promise me you'’re still on birth control.

Believe me, I am.

Oh, yeah?Mm-hmm.

Excellent.

Nice new digs, huh?

Yeah.

So what did you think?

About what?

Suzie'’s book. Any thoughts?

Oh.

Uh, yeah, it was great.

What do you think?

How much did you actually read?

The first two chapters.

But I'’m gonna finish the rest of it today.

I just got a little distracted.

Nick, please, let me explain.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[gasps]

You have shelves.

And a door.

[thud]

Congratulations, Thea.

Thank you, Greg.

Really think you can get to the top

by playing games, don'’t you?

I know what you'’re up to, Thea.

And I think that it stinks.

It super stinks.

Hmm.

Well, really?

Do you think that it stinks

that I want to hire you to be my assistant?

Really?

You'’ll start first thing Monday,

after I put the paperwork through.

Oh, wow, Thea.

Thea, thank you so much.

I could kiss you right now.

You don'’t have to do that.

I'’ll see you later, boss.

Look at you, Little Miss Executive.

Hardly.

I don'’t even really know what I'’m doing here.

I didn'’t finish the manuscript last night,

and Nick just asked for my opinion,

and I didn'’t really have one.

Well, you might want to get one

because this is your ticket out of the secretarial pool.

If your last name is O'’Keefe,

why do you look Jewish?

Well, it'’s true.

You don'’t look Irish to me.

♪ She'’s my butterfly ♪

♪ And you know that cool reflection ♪

♪ Makes me smile

♪ She'’s my ♪ Steinwald Publishing.

♪ Butterfly

♪ And you know that cool reflection ♪

♪ Makes me smile

So O'’Keefe's got a new girlfriend.

He'’s robbing the cradle.

She'’s 95.

[chuckles] Did you hear me?

I loved it.

It was funny and smart, and you don'’t even

have to be pregnant to enjoy it.

I mean, I'’m guessing about that because I am pregnant.

That'’s okay. I enjoyed it, and I'’m not pregnant.

You know, I was thinking.

You could organize the chapters like a pregnancy.

You know, group each woman'’s stories by trimester.

Oh, so the book would start

with stories about the awkward moments

and the first few months, when everyone just thinks

you'’ve been eating too many cupcakes.

Exactly. And then you get to the second trimester stories.

Like Sally'’s story, when she threw up in her purse at her kid'’s school play.

Yeah. Nick, I'’m sorry I didn'’t finish the book last night.

It won'’t happen again.I'’m glad you like it.

We'’ve got our work cut out for us.

It'’ll be in bookstores in just six weeks.

I want to have a look at your notes,

but Suzie'’s birthing class starts in 20 minutes,

so you should probably head out.

I totally forgot.

Um, the thing is, Miles is--

is going out of town for work.

Oh, that'’s too bad.

Do you think maybe I could reschedule?

Okay.

Now it'’s time for partner relaxation techniques,

for when your special marathon begins.

So partners, I want you to move behind your marathoners

with your legs open in a big "V."

Mmm. Welcome home.

Now, take this opportunity

to stroke your wives or girlfriends.

Stroke it out.

Now why don'’t you whisper something special to her?

Okay. Something that only you two would share

in this private moment.

It could be funny, it could be naughty.

[laughs]

I'’m not listening.

Let that relaxation wash over you...

[whispering] I am so sorry about this.

It'’s-- You know, you don'’t have to stroke my hair.

Okay. Sorry.It'’s fine. Yeah.

Uh, you know, you can lean back if you want.

I can tell you'’re kind of straining.

Yeah. I am.

Great.

Now that we'’re all relaxed,

let'’s try some birthing positions.

Okay? Mary, could I borrow your partner for just a sec?

All right. I promise I'’ll give him back.

[laughs] Maybe!

I'’m just kidding. Come up here, cutie.

All right.

Marathoners, I want you to get on all fours

with your palms firmly placed to the ground

and then we'’re gonna rock back.

We'’re gonna rock back into it.

Oh, feel that womb open up.

Feels familiar, right, ladies?

This is how we got ourselves into this mess.

For some of us, not all of us.

The position'’s not for everybody.

And now, partners,

I want you to envelop your marathoner, okay?

And now just get in a deep stretch here

around the belly.

Keep moving back and forth. Right?

Get your hands on the tummy back there.

Hands on the tummy. And keep pushing in.

Keep pushing in and envelop.

Get right on top of there.

Feel that-- Feel that-- Oh!

Man down. Okay.

Sorry.

That'’s all right. Just hop back on the horse.

Okay. No mistakes in here.

Okay. All right.

And finish up when you feel done.

I need a few more, if you'’ll indulge me, Mary.

Thank you.

Okay, and just keep the rocking.

Never stop rocking.

Ohh! Yes.

Give it to me, Rob. We'’re doing it now.

Ohh! [sighs]

Okay. And we'’re done.

Wonderful. Thank you.

This guy'’s good, right?

I'’m gonna borrow you for another class.

Or after class. Just-- I'’m kidding.

Good night, you guys.

Thank you. That was great.

Thanks a lot.Bye.

Wow. That was right up there as one

of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Hey, here, let me get you something.

No. No, no, it'’s the least I can do

after nearly paralyzing you.Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

Umm...

Thanks.

So did you always want to work

in the family business?

Uh, I wanted to be a writer.

But I was scared I might be a total hack,

so I got an accounting degree.

I figured I'’d make a living doing that

while I finished my book

but kind of been stuck in the middle for a few years.

What about you?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Well, in college I played in a badass metal band.

Really? Mm-hmm.

You'’re a badass?Little bit. Kinda.

That'’s fascinating.

A little terrifying, but fascinating.

So is that what you did in college,

badass metal band studies?

No, I didn'’t finish college.

Oh, why not? Too boring?

Not Joan Jett enough for you?

No. Um, I loved college.

It'’s just my parents passed away

in a car accident, so I had to leave

to take care of my little sister.

I'’m sorry.

I shouldn'’t have said anything.

Oh, n-- no. I-- I'’m glad you told me.

I'’m just so sorry that happened.

Thanks.

So is your sister a badass like you?

No. She'’s more of a smartass.

Here.

Hey.

You know, uh, Suzie'’s having a pool party this weekend.

You should come. And bring Miles.

Pool party? Yeah.

I promise I won'’t be wearing a Speedo.

[door unlocking]

Nice look.

Do we have a secret steam room

you never told me about?

No, I'’m going to a pool party.

Ah. Good thing you'’ve got that towel on now.

Wouldn'’t wanna leave that

till when you actually get there.

Enough with the sass, smarty pants.

What are you doing here?

Tennis ended early.

What'’s the bag for?

Nothing.

Come on, you can do better than that.

At least I'’m wearing pants.

Pants? You call those pants?

They'’re shorts.

All right, bye.

Don'’t call me if you need me.

Okay, you really have to act like

you'’re the father, okay?Yeah.

You'’re having the baby, too. It'’s serious.

Oh, come on.

You have to appear to be responsible.

Are you kidding me?

Babes, I'’m totally psyched.

I'’m serious. I thought about this.

Everyone'’s gonna think I'’m a super-stud

for knocking up a hot chick like you.

Okay, so, that'’s an example of something

you wouldn'’t say.Baby.

Look, I think you'’re beautiful,

even with the extra weight.

♪ You keep me in your head ♪

♪ When I'’m on the ground ♪

♪ Stop draggin'’ me down ♪

Hey. How are you?

Good, how are you?

Good. Nick, this is my fiancé, Miles.

Miles, this is Nick.

Congratulations. You must be so excited.

Oh, it'’s--

I just can'’t wait for the little guy to pop out.

Oh, so you'’re having a boy?

Yeah.We, uh, we just found out.

And do you have a name yet?

Now, see. I didn'’t think any--

We haven'’t decided yet.Hey.

Hey, Thea. Garth, this is my fiancé Miles.

Miles, this is Garth. He'’s an editor at the company.

Oh, so you'’re the lucky guy, huh?

Yes, I am.

But if I may say so, sir,

you look pretty lucky yourself there.

I'’m gonna go inside and say hi to Suzie.

Oh, yeah, hold up, babe. Listen, I'’m gonna take a dip.

It'’s, uh, blazing out here. Babes?

Yeah?Yeah. Right there.

Anybody care to join?I will. Let'’s go in.

That'’s what I like to hear.

I don'’t wanna get my chain wet.

Listen, I have two friends that I want you to meet.

They'’re both writers, and they'’re actually looking

for a new publisher so I think they'’ll really like you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you and Nick make such a good team.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

I want you to meet Audrey Gold

and Dr. Terry Bournachle.

Terry wrote the Bournachle Baby Book,

which is the bible.

Oh. I'’m not gonna even touch that.

I don'’t wanna be accused of having a God complex.

And Audrey just finished a book on single parenting,

and I hear from reliable sources

that she'’s not very happy at Boyle Donner.

We would love to meet with you guys.

That sounds great.

Give me a turn!

Yeah, Nick and Thea just started

a parenting division at Steinwald.

Oh. Hmm.

You have the most unique shape.

I mean, if you don'’t mind me asking,

you don'’t have a distended uterus, do you?

Uh, no, no, I-- I don'’t think so.

Well, who'’s your OB?

Dr. Draken Barysinwitz.

You mean Hans? Frogenberry Schoenewitz?

I thought he moved back to Vienna.

[all] Oh!

My bad. I just--

I was trying to-- Totally going for her.

Ha ha, very funny, Miles.

Hey. You should, uh, you should totally come in.

We'’re having such a good time in there.

No, no, it'’s okay.

I'’m-- I don't feel like swimming right now.

Oh, come on. It'’s so nice in there.

No one cares that you'’re fat.

Come on, kids, you should tell her to come in.

She should come in, right?Yeah, you should-- you shouldn'’t.

Come in, come in, yeah, come on, Nick. Come in.

No, it'’s okay.It'’s a really bad idea. Yeah, no, it'’s okay.

You don'’t wanna disappoint the children.

Whoo!Oh, shit.

[laughs]

What is that?

Ohh! Ohh!

[all] Oh!

[gasps] [Suzie] Are you okay?

That'’s not cool.

[Thea] It was so humiliating.

So then on the way home,

I told him to drop me off and never speak to me again.

Good.

I always thought Miles

was a bit of a numbnut anyway.

I'’m just so embarrassed that Nick thinks

he'’s the father of my child.

Who cares what Nick thinks?

Well, it'’s just, he's the first person in years

that thinks I'’m capable

of doing more than just pouring coffee.

Um, what do you think Nick is gonna say

when he finds out your baby is a piece

of polyurethane foam we swiped off a mannequin?

He'’s actually kinda cute, though, don'’t you think?

Who?

Um, Nick?

Um, no.

Cigarette?

No, I probably shouldn'’t.

[scoffs]

Okay.

Um, to recap, uh, only one of you

would even bother to look at the book.

And, uh,

the rest of you wouldn'’t buy it

with a gun to your head,

which can'’t be good for sales.

Can any of you tell me

why the cover doesn'’t speak to you?

Maybe comparing pregnancy to a battle is,

uh, putting you off.

Yes.

I can'’t stay for the rest

of the focus group.

Can I still get my check?

Just stop by reception.

Okay. Uh, one down. Uh...

Maybe we should forget what'’s on the cover

for a second.

I mean, what makes this book great is that

it'’s a collection of real stories for real women

talking about how it feels to be pregnant.

So let'’s talk about how some of us feel right now.

I feel like crap.

That'’s good. I mean, that'’s bad.

But keep going.

How come no one talks about how much pregnancy sucks!

Oh, there is no glow in my house.

So what I'’m hearing is is that you'’re all so over it.

[Women] Yeah.

Hello, I'’m Orca the Whale. Like, what'’s up with that?

I know, they'’re not even bloated at all.

[Ann over P.A.] Thea, your sister'’s at reception.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, um, you forgot to sign the release

for my trip to Lake Arrowhead.

It'’s due today.Oh, okay.

Thea, aren'’t you going to introduce me to your sister?

Oh. Nick, Emma. Emma, Nick.

Hello.She'’s in a real rush. She has to go.

Okay, well, this has been fun.

It'’s been fun.

Uh, what is that?

Just because you don'’t like my dress

doesn'’t mean you have to be rude.

Keep on moving. I'’ll tell you outside.

What is wrong with you?

Look, I know I'’m a big fat liar,

but Jerry was gonna fire me,

and I had to come up with something.

You are one sandwich shy of a picnic, you know that?

You'’re crazy. What are you thinking?

You might be interested to know

that I got a promotion and a raise.

I can'’t believe we'’re actually related.

Look, as soon as I can, I'’m gonna come clean.

Just-- Things are complicated,

and the entire company is depending on me.

You know what? I have heard enough.

I am outta here.

Morning, Thea.

Last month'’s and this month'’s.

Wow, early. That'’s a first.

I'’ve got something for you.

Oh, you made these?

Yes. I hope you don'’t mind.

I went with marigold because it'’s neutral.

Thank you.

Hey. Hey.

Okay, not that you'’re interested,

but the word is that Nick'’s divorce

is finalized this week.

Garth told me.Garth told you?

Well, I'’ve been hanging out with him

since you'’ve been Little Miss Busy all the time.

Hey.Hey. I took the liberty of picking you up

a calcium-enriched smoothie and a bran muffin.

I figured you might be getting

a little backed up.

Thanks, Greg.You'’re welcome.

Excuse me.

Greg'’s worried about you being backed up?

Constipation is a common problem for pregnant women.

Uhh.

Well, lucky for you, you'’re not actually pregnant.

Or do you even know that anymore?

Of course I know that. Obviously.

[knocking]Hi.

Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

I wanted to get you a little something.

I ordered it off of eBay.

It'’s an armadillo foot for-- for when you'’re in labor.

It-- It wards off the evil eye.

Thank you so much, Carl. That'’s so sweet of you.

I'’ll keep it with me the whole time.

Okay.

I know I told you to go along with this

for a few weeks, but you'’re starting to freak me out.

Look, things are going really well for me.

Well, it'’s not because of the stomach.

You'’re doing good work.

The only thing you'’re doing bad

is walking around with a load of bullshit strapped to your stomach.

Nick. Nick. [mocking] Nick, Nick.

What'’s up?You'’re not gonna believe who left me a voicemail.

Drum roll, please. An associate producer from The Vista.

No way.She read the book, loves it,

and they just need to get approval from Claire and then we'’re in.

That would be the greatest thing ever.

Oh. Oh.

Sorry. I-- I'’m a bit of a closet hugger.

I-- That won'’t happen again.That'’s okay.

[Ann over P.A.] Nick, I'’ve got Jerry for you.

Oh. Uh, put him through.

How you holding down the fort, Nicky?

Good, good. Everything'’s going-- going great.

Working on a little project.

You haven'’t done anything stupid, have you?

No, no, of course not.

You'’re doing great, sweetie.

[whimpering]

Hey, do me a favor, Nick. No little projects.

Don'’t do anything. Don'’t touch anything.

If you need a project, try Match.com.

It'’s been a while since you'’ve seen any action.

Am I right or am I-- Okay, Jerry. I'’ll talk to you later.

Thank you.

It really hasn'’t been that long.

I'’m-- I'm sure.

Um, okay. I got a lot of work to do,

so I'’m gonna go do it.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

So the book comes out in three weeks.

That-- That gives us plenty of time for publicity.

I hope you don'’t mind.

I just couldn'’t take it anymore.

Oh, wow. Wow, I can see.

Oh, my God, Thea.

I don'’t know if you know this,

but you'’re-- you'’re pregnant.

Your sense of humor really takes a dive after 9:00, huh?

Is it after 9?Yeah.

Oh, my God, I'’m-- I'’m slave-driving a pregnant woman.

No, not at all. I wanna be here.

I do. I feel like I'’m making up for lost time.

And I'’m really grateful you'’ve given me this shot.

So thanks.It'’s my pleasure.

You should be at home with your fiancé.

Right. My fiancé.

I'’m taking you home.

But, I promise to have

ridiculously high expectations

of you in the morning.

Thank you.

Oh, here. No, no, no, no.

Okay.

♪ I'’m lyin' here awake at night ♪

♪ I'’m losing sleep and wonderin'’ why ♪

♪ My forty winks are in denial ♪

♪ Sit up, lie down, and toss and turn ♪

♪ Tomorrow comes my eyes will burn ♪

♪ The bed is cold and I'’m on fire ♪

♪ If I fall asleep I might ♪

♪ Miss you in my dreams tonight ♪

♪ My ears tune in, detect a creak ♪

♪ A shadow looking in the deep ♪

♪ A glass of wine will help the fear ♪

♪ That Bo-Peep lost all her sheep ♪

♪ My mind can'’t seem to rest a beat ♪

♪ I'’d be knocked out if you were here ♪

Is this your first?

Yeah. I can'’t wait.

And you?

It'’s mine, too.

Would you sign this, please?

Oh, wow. Oh, that'’s amazing.

What about Thea? Thea?

Absolutely. You.

No, no, no. Yeah.

No, yes.No, I just-- I stay behind the camera.

You, over here right now.

Come on. Come on, give it a shot.

Oh, yeah. Work it.Nick!

Make love to the cam-- Sorry.

I know you don'’t actually say that. I'’m sorry.

Mmm.Thanks for coming here with me.

I had such a craving.

Are you kidding me? I love mud slide pie.

I think we could use

a little more whipped cream, though.

Oh, did I tell you we signed Bournachle?

Thanks for hooking us up with him.

My pleasure.

Oh, I may have some good news.

I may have gotten us two spots in Sunshine Daycare.

Great. Thanks.

I haven't even thought about daycare.

I don'’t know how you do it, with your kid,

your pregnancy, and your job.

I can'’t even take care of my little sister Emma.

I wish my mother left me user instructions.

Well, there are no hard and fast rules.

You just have to go with your gut.

Yeah, well I certainly have no shortage of gut at the moment.

Well, when all else fails, sugar and shopping.

Very persuasive.

[Claire on TV] You don'’t even want

to get her started

with all of the hot glue gunning she does and the beads.

And she takes these wonderful pictures.

And she really had some fantastic ideas-- [doorbell rings]

...to work around that.

Hi.Hi. Is Emma here?

Yeah.Oh, hi, Emma.

Can you babysit tomorrow night?

Oh, I can'’t, Donna, sorry.

I have to study with my friend Chloe.

Um, I can do it.

You know, good practice.

That'’s right. Oh. Thea. You are the best.

Tomorrow night at 8?Yes.

Great. Bye. Thank you.Bye.

Okay, I don'’t even know who you are right now,

but you'’re definitely not the best.

Do you wanna make cupcakes and then maybe go shopping at Forever 21?

No. Actually I'’d rather scrub myself down

with a pineapple than do that.

I don'’t know what to do.

I mean, this was Dan'’s idea.

He was all, like, "Let'’s have a baby.

It'’ll be so cute."

You know? I was, like, really? Really?

Well, let'’s strap 50 pounds of cement to your torso

and see how fun it is then.

You know, I just-- [sobbing]

Yeah. I know. I understand.

I just need a drink. Or some weed.

I know it'’s scary.

I mean, the fact that we'’re gonna have

these tiny, fragile humans

totally dependent on us.

It'’s kind of freaking me out, too.

Really?

Yeah.

'’Cause, Thea, you just--

you seem so together.

Oh, hi. We need to talk.

What happened?

Okay, thanks for listening.

Uh, I, uh...

I kind of got into an altercation with Miles.

What are you talking about?

He was kissing another woman.

So I confronted him.

And he told me--

He told me he'’s not the father.

So I punched him.You what?

I punched him! I couldn'’t help it.

It just-- It came over me.

You deserve better than that, Thea, a-- a lot better.

[sighs]

Nick, Miles is not the father.

He'’s not even my boyfriend anymore.

The truth is, there is no father.

I mean, obviously there is,

but it was a one-night stand

and he'’s out of the picture now.

Thea?

There is nothing wrong with being a single mother.

Okay. [knocking]

Um, the printer has a question about the binding.

He'’s on line 1.

Okay.

[whispering] Oh! What was that about?

He looks like a maniac.

I just told Nick the truth.

[gasps] How'’d he take it?

Okay.

He doesn'’t think I should be with Miles anyway.

Yeah, but what--

what did he say about the pregnancy?

Oh, he didn'’t say anything about the pregnancy.

What'’s there to say?

Thea?

We should talk.

Do you want to get a beer after work?

A beer? You know I can'’t drink.

Is your stomach growing?

Well, I'm nearly six months now.

Hi. How are you?

Uh, where'’s my sister Emma?

Hey.

How was practice?

Fine. Same as usual.

Really?

That'’s funny because Coach Henretti

told me you quit a month ago.

I found this in your backpack.

You'’ve got some explaining to do.

That'’s dried cilantro.Yeah, right.

Smell it. [sniffs]

Okay, maybe it is. But where were you today?

At Jake'’s. Waiting tables.

You'’ve been lying for weeks.

Hey. I learn from the best.

Hey. Um, your boss is here.

What? Yeah.

Maybe he wants to make cupcakes with you.

Um, can you get my stomach? It'’s in my room.

Yeah. But, um, it'’ll cost you.

25 bucks.

15! Sold.

She'’ll be right with you!

She'’s just getting dressed!

Oh, okay, thanks.

Does it make you feel weird

knowing she'’s naked

only, like, 10 feet away?

Em!

Coming.

Stomach. No, pay me.

I'’ll pay you after. Just give me the stomach.

Oh, a promise from Thea?

Well, I can'’t take that to the bank.

Just pay me now. Fine.

Thank you. Here'’s your fake belly.

Shut up and get out.

Hello. Hey.

Okay.

Hey. Hey. How are you?

Good, how are you?Good.

Um, I-- I just-- I thought I'd stop by.

Uh, I wanted to show you something.

Uh, it'’s our very first complete copy of the book

with the cover and everything.

That'’s-- That's great.

And wow, I'’m on the cover.

Oh. And we booked, uh, Tynan'’s Bookstore

for the book launch.

That'’s awesome.

Well, um, I should probably get outta here

and let you enjoy your Saturday.

Well, um, if you'’re free,

then do you wanna get coffee?

Sure.

[dog barking]

[Nick] I had a dog once.

Then Jerry stole it, took it to college with him.

Oh.

There'’s something amazing about having a child.

It makes you feel like a-- like a part of

something bigger, you know, even if it'’s not real.

Well, for me, that is.

Lydia didn'’t want children.

And I never questioned it.

But now I-- I realize,

I-- I do want to be a father.

I'’ve been wanting to do that for a really long time.

Actually, I just-- just did that.

Right.

We should probably take things slowly, though.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

♪ A flash of the light

♪ Is blinding my sight

♪ It'’s the moment ♪

♪ I'’m gonna shine ♪

♪ It'’s finally time ♪

Uh, I-- I have to--

I just realized, I have to go.

I, um, there'’s somewhere--

I-- I have to be somewhere.Sure. Okay.

My sister.

So, you just-- I'’ll-- I'’ll talk to you later.

Oh, okay.Okay.

♪ And I'’m gonna use it ♪

♪ Got class, a little sass

♪ In fact, we'’re mummified ♪

♪ For the oasis, darling

♪ Free champagne when we arrive ♪

♪ Only the best and never less ♪

♪ Right here where we belong ♪

Yes, she'’s due the 6th of October.

All right. Okay.

That was your friend Rachel.

And these are for you.

She saw the book at Crown Books.

How come you didn'’t tell her you were pregnant?

Oh, I thought I told her.

It must have slipped my mind.

Pregnancy brain.

I was planning on waiting a little longer

to start a family, you know.

Sow my wild oats a little bit.

But I feel like there is a larger purpose for me.

Thea,

you need someone who is smart and responsible.

Oh, God.

I offer myself to you,

mind and body, heart and soul.

Let me be your baby daddy.

Uh...

that'’s very generous of you.

But it'’s-- you know, that'’s not gonna happen.

Okay, you know what? You know what?

Don'’t-- Don't worry about it. It'’s a tough decision.

Thea, could I talk to you?

Yeah, sure. Yes, yes, absolutely.

If you could let me know before lunch,

'’cause I have a JDate I'’d have to cancel.

I really don'’t want to do that if I don'’t have to.

She-- she'’s a little older and stuff.

So you'’re ready for tonight?

Yeah. Totally.

We should clear the air.

Um...

I'’ve been thinking a lot about what happened.

And I feel terrible about it.

You do?

I'’m your boss, and I made a--

[whispers] I made a pass at you.

Nick, that'’s not it. I made a pass at you.

I caught that pass, and I threw it back.

And I liked it. You did?

Look, that-- that'’s not what it-- it is.

I'’m just afraid of-- of--

Some guy named Philip is at reception.

He-- He says he'’s the father?

Would you want me to talk to this guy?

No, no, it'’s okay. I'’ll--

I-- I'’ll take care of it.I'’ll talk to him.

It'’s okay. Thank you both. Excuse me.

Young man, don'’t you have any sense of responsibility?

I didn'’t even know, lady.

She never returned my calls.

Christ, is it mine, Thea?

Believe me, it'’s not yours.

You can'’t be sure. I did the math.

Believe me, I can be sure.

I demand a DNA test!Yeah. Great to see you.

Yeah, I'’ll be happy to tell her. Bye.

That was your sister. She needs you at home right away.

Something about a fire in the toilet?

Your toilet'’s on fire?

Isn'’t that technically impossible?

Uh, uh, who'’s Philip?

An old, old boyfriend. Big misunderstanding.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Everything'’s okay.

No worries here. Completely under control.

But, uh, I-- I should probably get home to my sister.

I'’ll, um, I'll meet you at the party.

Whoa. Sorry.

[all] Surprise!

[cheering]

Hi, everyone. Oh, my God, Aunt Betty.

Surprise, darlin'’. Darlin'’.

Yeah.It'’s so good to see you.

Aunt Jane and I just drove in from Seattle.

Oh, thank you.

It'’s so sweet of you to do this.

Oh, thank you.

[all] Oooh.

Ooh, it'’s the onesies.Just what I needed.

We all decorated them.

Who made this one?

And this one?

[babbling]

Oh, what a good job, Sam.

[Woman] What is this?That one'’s mine.

I just thought it was a little ironic.

[doorbell ringing]

More people are coming.

Hi.Whoa!

Oh. Hey.

Well, I hate to break up the party,

but, uh, we need to talk.

Um, everybody just hang onto your seats

just in case something happens to her story.

Uh, you know, I should probably get changed.

I need to be at a work event.

So thank you for the shower, everyone.

Thank you. Bye.

[murmuring]

She is so out of control. I mean, look.

She has, like, stockpiled all of this random stuff

in her closet.

I mean, what-- what is this? Seriously.

It was on sale.

Okay. I need you to say

"My name is Thea, and I am not pregnant."

This is ridiculous. And I'’ve gotta go.

Come here.

You have got to come clean.

I will.

Okay? I promise. Just not yet.

It'’s just I'’m better pregnant.

For once, my life doesn'’t suck.

And I can'’t go back to being Jerry'’s secretary

or unemployed.

So what are you gonna do?

Just stay pregnant for the rest of your life?

People will get suspicious.

It'’s time to act like a grownup

and stop playing dress-up.

Oh, my God, this is ridiculous.

Take off the stomach now!

No.Okay.

Well, then I'm gonna take it off for you.

Get off of me!Let me take it off!

Get off of me.Oh, hey! Hey, guys!

Emma, stop it!

[muffled shouting]

Making noise.They are making noise.

Make her stop it!

Hey! Stop it! I said stop.

Gosh. Come on.

Stay back. Psycho.

I'’m gonna get that thing off.Get off of me!

I'’m gonna take it off now!

[gasps] Give it back.

[cloth tearing]What are you doing?

You are so grounded. Forever!

[Lisa] Uh... ladies,

I think we need to regroup.

[Emma] Stark, raving mad.

Excuse me.

[Women gasping]

What are you doing? What is going on?

I thought she was pregnant.

[sighs]

Uh, um...

[Woman] I'’m really confused.

Well, that is the last time

I throw a surprise party for anyone.

That baked ziti goes home with me.

[low chatter]

Sorry. I had to take care of some things with Em.

The toilet fire?

Yeah. I got the blaze under control.

You guys are amazing.

This is a great turnout. Thank you.

Okay. Time to struggle with p-public speaking.

Sit back and enjoy.

You'’re gonna be great.Thanks.

What? What was that? Are you guys, uh--?

I don'’t know. Maybe. Kinda.

[Suzie] Oh! Good for you.

Good evening, everyone. I'’m back.

Oh, no.

MacArthur finished rehab a week early.

What'’s the matter, Nicky?

You don't look happy to see me.

Of course I am, Jerry. Welcome back.

You'’re just in time for Suzie'’s reading.

I got a little surprise for you.

I just signed Rumsfeld for his first book deal!

Donald?No, Carlos. Of course Donald.

I met him at the rehab facility.

His cat had a terrible case of sciatica.

They had to put the poor thing on OxyContin.

She got addicted. It was a mess.

Jerry, I'’m kind of in the middle of something here.

Anyway, Rummy'’s book is genius.

It'’s gonna put us back on the map.

It'’s a completely unique opus about his time in Iraq,

sprinkled with some of his favorite recipes.

It'’s called Fire It Up. I'’ve got the manuscript right here.

It sounds great, Jerry, but I'’ve got a reading right now.

Can this wait till later?You know what?

Actually I'’ll be reading my book.

I'’m shutting down your little operation.

Jerry, Suzie'’s book is a real gem.

It could be a hit for the company.

What are you so afraid of?

That I might do a better job than you?

Hmm. Let me think.

Have you ever done better than me at anything?

Hello, everybody.

I'’ve got a real treat for you tonight.

I'’m gonna be reading from Donald Rumsfeld'’s new book.

Here'’s a particularly touching passage

about a short rib recipe he picked up while in Baghdad.

Suzie'’s reading!

Go read your cookbook somewhere else, Jerry.

Step away from the podium, now!

Make me.

He begins, "As--"[grunting]

[all] Ohh!

[murmuring]

Okay. Okay. Stop it! That'’s enough!

That'’s enough. Stop it! Get off of him!

How pathetic.

You have to have your secretary defend you.

She'’s not a secretary, Jerry.

Oh, really?

Then what is she, other than shrill?

She'’s a-- She's a fantastic editor.

[laughs] Oh, that'’s rich. An editor.

So I go away for a few months,

and the world'’s lamest accountant

is running my company

with the world'’s dumbest secretary!

All I can say is

I hope your kid doesn'’t inherit your brains.

[screams]

[Suzie] Careful! Careful!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!Oh, God!

[loud pop]Oh, God!

[gasps]

[crowd gasps]

[Ann] What happened to your stomach?

Oh, Nicky.

You always were such a good judge of character.

Nick. I'’m sorry. I'’m so sorry.

I never meant for things to go this far.

Jerry was gonna fire me,

and I couldn'’t afford to get fired.

And I thought the whole thing

would blow over in a day or two.

Blow over in a day or two?

What kind of person pretends to be pregnant?

Nick, I'’m sorry, just--

Please just-- Nick.

♪ I do my best to save myself ♪

♪ But I don'’t have the time to say ♪

Hey, Nick. It'’s Thea.

Um, kind of wondering what you were up to.

Kind of assuming that some of what you'’re up to

is hating me.

Kind of feeling very bad about that.

Anyway, call me.

♪ I say I care, but, babe, I never ♪

Hi, Nick. Thea again.

Um, I just want to say that I'’m so, so sorry.

I was. I was.

I was talking to your mother about it and,

you know, she and I are on the same page on this thing.

I would rather say extra virgin olive oil.

I don'’t want to abbreviate it. EVOO. I mean, it'’s--

Hi, Nick, it'’s me.

Uh, I know you haven'’t been interested

in picking up the phone.

But I just wanted to tell you

how much I really, really--

[answering machine beeps]

[doorbell rings]

Hi. Hi.

Wow.

[sighs] So.

What have you been up to?

Hmm. Watching The Vista on an endless loop.

It'’s self-inflicted torture.

That sounds healthy.

Well, it smells like something died in here.

It did.

My soul.

Thea. You'’ve gotta give yourself a tiny break.

People make mistakes.

I majorly screwed up.

Well, look on the bright side.

They'’re still talking about it at work.

How'’s Nick doing?

I don'’t know. He resigned.

What?Mm-hmm.

Well, did he say anything about what he'’s gonna do?

If you'’re asking me if he said he was gonna

track you down and propose to you

so you could spend the rest of your lives together?

No. He didn'’t mention anything specific.

I'’ve been calling him and calling him.

And he won't call me back.

Yeah, well, maybe that has something to do with

the massively twisted lie you'’ve been telling him

for the last few months.

Do you think he'’ll ever forgive me?

Do you want me to be honest

or do you want me to make you feel better?

How are Suzie'’s book sales?

Good.

You know, uh, there'’s still a few boxes

that we need to distribute here and there.

Oh, no.

Sorry. Hey.

Hey.

Mind if I join you?

It'’s a free country.

Mmm. What'’s in this? Mint?

Yep.

It'’s perfect with the pear.

So unexpected.

Yeah. That was actually, um, my idea.

I kind of just thought it would work.

Dad would have loved it.

Mom would have thought it was too fussy.

But she would have polished off

all the leftovers after everyone went to bed.

I'’m a big fat liar,

and I'’m sorry you got stuck with me.

Listen, Em.

We'’re gonna make this work. Okay?

I made an appointment with the Culinary Institute

to talk about student loans.

And I talked to Miss Talbert about scholarships.

You know, Mom and Dad

would have been so proud of you.

Thanks.

[no audible dialogue]

♪ We sit around

♪ Looking for flaws in diamonds ♪

Needs, um... I think ten more minutes.

I don'’t have ten more minutes.

Yeah, but it'’s gonna be all gooey inside.

Well, I'’ll just have to take my chances.

[Man] Here she comes. Here comes Claire, everybody.

I love you. Oh.

I haven'’t missed a show in five years.

Thank you. Thank you. But you should get out more.

I'’m kidding. I'’m kidding.

Hi, I'’m Thea Clayhill, your biggest fan.

I made you some pineapple cake.

It'’s your favorite, right?

Yes, it is. Good reconnaissance.

Good for you.

How'’d you know about the cake?

Oh, her May 15th show.

Yeah, she said it in passing.

Hi.

I have some books for you.

Oh. Oh, great.

Just leave '’em right over there.

Okay. Keep your womb open.

Got it. Bye.

I actually would like even more toppings on my--

Hello.

Hey. Thea Clayhill, your number 1 fan with banana cream pie.

Well, you do your homework.

I hope it'’s as delicious as your pineapple cake.

♪ And we chase heartbreak

♪ Where we can see heartbreak don'’t belong ♪

Maybe you can hit a few more potholes next time.

[Man] Claire, I love you.

[Woman] Oh, my God. There she is. Claire!

There she is. My number 1 fan, Thea Clayhill.

Uh, pear ginger pie.

Nicely done, Betty Crocker.

It'’s actually not me, it'’s my little sister.

So what'’s your angle?

Besides trying to make me a big fat pig.

You want to get your little sister on TV?

I really want to get this book on TV.

It'’s, um-- it'’s really special.

Okay. Thank you.

Thanks.

[Lisa] Good luck.

Hi. Hi.

I bet I'’m the last person you wanted to see right now.

Well, maybe not the last person.

Maybe the second or third to last person.

I wouldn'’t want to see my 6th grade

English teacher, Ms. Posey.

She was awful.

Or my college boyfriend.

He dumped me on an answering machine.

Listen, Suzie. I'’m really sorry.

I really wish I could have been

the person you thought I was.

I just figured if I told you the truth,

you wouldn'’t want me in your life,

and I really enjoyed being in yours.

I really enjoyed being in your life, too,

for what it'’s worth.

Well, I'’ve got some really good news.

We'’re gonna--

[screaming]Oh, my God, are you okay?

The baby'’s coming.

Right now? Now?

My water broke this morning.

My contractions started an hour ago.

[screaming]Uh, where is everyone?

Jesse'’s on his way.

Okay. Uh, what should I do?

Hot water? Towels? You know what?

On second thought, let'’s just get in the car and go to the hospital.

Yeah, I think the hospital'’s better because a lot of people

can help us there and I can'’t really do much here.

No. No, no, no, no. I'’m fine. I'm fine.

My contraction ended.

It'’ll be hours before I have this baby.

And it'’s already that painful?

You ain'’t seen nothin' yet.

It'’s gonna get a whole lot worse

before we turn this mother out.

Oh. What were you saying?

Oh, um, The Vistawants you.

[screaming]Are you sure this is normal?

Yes, it'’s fine.

The Vista? That's amazing. When?

In two hours. They had a cancellation.

Yeah. That'’s not gonna work for me.

[heavy exhaling][heavy exhaling]

Hurry! We'’re gonna be late!

Hello. How are you?

Hi. I was going to ask you if--

[baby crying]

I think I'’m sitting on something.

Oh. Try this.Hey, Em, it'’s me.

Hey. I desperately need a favor.

Here you go. Don'’t cry, don't cry.

[doorbell rings]

[knocking]

Emma.Hi, Nick.

What are you doing here?

Um, I have to take you somewhere.

Excuse me? [sighs]

Please, just don'’t make me explain.

It'’s really easiest if you just get your keys.

We really have to go.

Emma. Come on!

Well, now you'’re just pulling our legs,

collectively.

We absolutely have to begin in three minutes.

Your guy better get here.I promise he'’ll be here.

He'’ll be here. It'’s gonna be great.

I don'’t know what's keeping him so long.

I think it'’d be really fun to have you back again.

When we come back, I'’m:

So Over This: What It'’s Really Like to Be Pregnant.

So stick around.[applause]

Okay. I need four asses in those seats right now.

Oh, my God, Lisa. What are we gonna do?

You'’re gonna go.What?

Great.I don'’t wanna go.

Yeah. Hello. Hi.

How are you? Thank you. Loved the book.

Thank you. Come on in.

Oh. Hello, little baby.

Come on up. Hi. Hello.

Wow. Laura. What an amazing story.

I cannot believe that beautiful baby

was born at the DMV.

Great. So, Thea. Any kids?

Oh, no. Never been pregnant.

So why another pregnancy book?

Don'’t you think the market'’s a bit flooded?

Well, this one'’s different.

It'’s not a how-to book

or a bunch of rules and recipes.

These stories are ultimately

about the birth of a new love--

We'’re late.I can'’t believe she booked with Vista.

...and how it can be messy and weird,

but in the end you'’re so much stronger

for having gone through it.

Even if you did something you may regret.

And to be honest, I was just helping out.

You know, I shouldn'’t even really be sitting up here.

It was Nick Steinwald,

who'’s sitting in the audience right now.

He'’s responsible for the whole thing.

He believed in the book from the beginning,

and he believed in me.

And I really can'’t thank him enough for that.

Well, why don'’t we try, everybody?

How about it? Nick Steinwald, stand up.

Stand up.

[Claire] Get him a mic.

So she sings your praises.

What is it about the book that appealed to you?

Um, well, I thought Suzie'’s book

had a-- a fresh and funny perspective on pregnancy.

You know, Thea was right when she said it was a book

about how love can see you through anything.

And-- And how

if you love someone,

you can forgive them for all of

the crazy and idiotic things they do.

Because love is a leap of faith,

and sometimes

you just have to jump.

Don'’t you?

Wow. Okay.

I'’m gonna jump in here for a second

and, uh, thank you both so much.

Again, the book is I'm So Over This:

What It'’s Really Like to Be Pregnant.

And for more information there'’s a link on our website,

TheVista.com.

One last thing.

Nick, do you know how cute you are?

Uh, no.

No, he doesn'’t. He doesn'’t, does he?

Okay, thank you very much.

[applause]

Hey, hey, hey. Guess what.

The producer said there'’s been over a 100,000 hits

on the show'’s link to your book.

Yeah.That'’s fantastic.

Yes, it is.Thanks, Claire.

Okay. Thank you.

Hey.

Thank you.

It'’s the least I could do.

I meant what I said

about I can'’t thank you enough,

you know, now that it'’s all over.

What'’s over?

Working together, being together.

Just togetherness in general.

It doesn'’t have to be.

We made a good book together.

We can make another one.

Would you wanna do that?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Still feel backed up?

Thanks, Greg.

Should it freak me out that he knows more about your bowels than I do?

Uh, maybe that'’s a good thing.

If I'’ve been timing these right,

and I'’m sure I have, you'’re up in

10, 9, 8, 7--

[screams]

Yes! Just six seconds off.

What I'’d miss?

Uh, we'’re contracting every half hour.

Okay. You okay? Yeah.

At this rate, we'’re gonna kick this puppy out at 0900.

Oh, they should head out now.

Stat.No one'’s going anywhere.

The doctor said to wait until they're every 15--

[screams]Oh, oh, okay.

Wait. You'’re-- You're way off.

Oh, that one hurt.You'’re way off here.

That one was not good.

Sweet Jesus. Thea'’s having a baby. Now!

Okay. No, no, no--What are we gonna do?

What the hell are we going to do?Move, move, move!

Well, good luck on your APGAR scores.

My baby got a perfect 10.

I mean, your baby'’s gonna do well.

Maybe like a 7 or an 8.

If it'’s a boy, feel free to name him Carl.

I love you guys.Go get '’em, champ.

No matter what they tell you, get the epidural!

Don'’t screw this up, you two.

Let'’s hope!Are you ready?

Let'’s hope!I love you.

I love you, too.

But this is all your fault!

Semper Fi.

Push! Oh, not yet.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪♪ [rock]

♪ Next to argyle

♪ You are gingersnap

♪ Cousin to chimpanzee

♪ You came swinging

♪ In my life

♪ Munkeys kill the misérables ♪

♪ Hey

♪ Hey

♪ No longer, we should celebrate ♪

♪ No, no misérables

♪ Next to argyle

♪ You are June perfume

♪ Fairweather trampoline

♪ Fell off, well get back

♪ In my life

♪ Munkeys kill the misérables ♪

♪ Hey

♪ On holidays

♪ We should never stray

♪ No, never, ever

♪ Another one goes by

♪ Here comes the broom, it sweeps by ♪

♪ Trust fades to "F Word" drive by'’s ♪

♪ I never hated

♪ But now my hate'’s so strong ♪

♪ Cuz I don'’t want ♪

♪ To fall in love with a maybe ♪

♪ I could be wrong

♪ I could be wrong

♪ And I could be...

♪ Next to argyle

♪ We are off the tracks

♪ Trust is necessity

♪ In time, it gets back in your life ♪

♪ Munkeys kill the misérables ♪

♪ Hey

♪ Hey

♪ We should sell our brains ♪

♪ No, no misérables

♪ And on holidays

♪ We will never stray

♪ No, never, ever stop

♪ It'’s gonna be all right ♪

♪ Here comes the broom, it sweeps by ♪

♪ This time it sweeps on right by ♪

♪ We now know

♪ How to mess with major miss ♪

♪ Cuz I can'’t wait ♪

♪ To fall in love

♪ With you, baby

♪ Again

♪ And I could be wrong

♪ I could be wrong

♪ And I could be wrong

♪ And I could be wrong