All language subtitles for Labor Pains 2009_track3_[eng]

[Radio reporter]
The I-10 Santa Monica Freeway
westbound is jammed,

due to a three-car accident
blocking lanes 1 and 2

just past Hoover Street.

In Van Nuys, there'’s
stop-and-go traffic

on the 405 southbound
from Victory Boulevard...

Hey. Loser.
Get up, you'’re late.

Ow.I need money.

For what?

Food.

[sighs]

I'’ve only got $2.00.
How much is a Happy Meal?

[scoffs]

Good morning, Thea.Oh, hi.

There'’s this little
thing called rent.
Ring any bells?

I'’ll give it to you Monday.
You have my word.

Could you put your word
on an actual check sometime?

[bus approaches]

♪ Shut your,
shut your mouth ♪

♪ You better seize
this moment ♪

♪ Let'’s don't dare disown ♪

♪ Let'’s make out ♪

♪ I'’ll never ever get you ♪

♪ Mrs. Complete Enigma

♪ But you seem
to have your moments ♪

♪ That really matters

♪ Hey

♪ Hey, I don'’t love you ♪

♪ But I love,
love, love you ♪

♪ And I don'’t miss you ♪

♪ But I miss,
miss, miss you ♪

♪ Inconsistent
roller coaster ♪

[Man] Whoo!
Look at that foxy momma!

Hey.

Hey, look.

I, uh, I saved you
one of these.

It wasn'’t easy.
These people are animals.

Thanks. It'’s all downhill
after the doughnut.

Hey. Let'’s go
camping right now.

[Man]
Can I get my coffee?

Don'’t tempt me.
You know I can'’t.

Come on. Don'’t be
such a buzz kill.

Just call in sick
from work.

Oh, Miles.

It was hard enough
getting Monday off.Hey.

You really need to bail
on this lame job, babe.

Well, bailing isn'’t exactly
in my vocabulary right now.

I gotta go.
I'’m late. I'm late. I'’m late.

Alarm clock
on the fritz again?

[phone ringing][Man] Thea! Thea!

Four minutes
after 9, Thea.

We agreed to 8:59.

I know. I'’m sorry.

I'’ve got your coffee,
piping hot.

Greg already
got it for me.

All right.
Let'’s get started.

I found two errors
in your transcription.

Ur-Nammu,
the Mesopotamian ruler,
has a hyphen in his name.

Are you sure?
I checked it in the Oxford
English Dictionary.

You should always
cross-reference with
the Military Encyclopedia.

It is the definitive source.Absolutely right, Greg.

Thea, the intern shouldn'’t
be more thorough than you.

You have to remember that
every mistake you make

impacts history.
You'’re right.

I'’m sorry I didn't
give enough thought

to the long-reaching impact
of a missing hyphen.

Well, think of it next time.
Or someone else will.

There are a million
people out there

who'’d kill for your job.

The secretary
to the publisher is a--

It'’s a dream
for so many of us.

I have a big project
for you.

Maybe you can make up
for this morning'’s mistakes

by acing this one.

Okay.
What can I do for you?

MacArthur
rolled in some poop.

Again?

She'’s got
one good eye, Thea.

I don'’t appreciate
you taking that tone.

Now.

[whispers]
Hi, there.

Let'’s really try

and nail it this time,
shall we?

Good girl.
[yelps]

[whining]

No way.
She rolled in poop again?

Um-hmm.

How come Greg
never has to wash her?

To be honest, I'’m just glad

I don'’t have to wash
the poop off Greg

since he spends
most of his time

with his head up Jerry'’s ass.

Tell me about it.

Last week he CC'’d me
on an email to Jerry

complaining that I ordered
too many rainbow Post-Its.

Said it creates
a party atmosphere.

MacArthur.
Come here, MacArthur.

MacArthur.
MacArthur.

[MacArthur whimpering]

Do you think we'’ll
ever get out of here?

[Lisa]
Well, how long till

your little sister
graduates college again?

Five years.
Five long years.

[sighs] Wow.

When you finally
ditch this place,
I'’m gonna leave, too.

I can'’t survive
this hellhole without you.

And to be honest,
I don'’t even know

if I'’m gonna survive
Monday without you.

Your rainbow Post-Its
should help.

Ha ha ha ha.

Okay, just promise me

that when you'’re
celebrating with Miles

the big 2-5,

you'’ll have
two extra shots for me.

Done. Two for you,

two for me,
and two for MacArthur.

And cold beer chasers
and a sliced lime.

Oh. Gets me right here.[chuckles]

What is MacArthur eating?

Oh, that'’s not good.
Okay.

Hold on.
No, no, no, that'’s soap.

Well, Thea, you are
a sopping mess.

I know. I'’m sorry.Well, don'’t apologize.

This one has two staples.Yeah, and?

It'’s bad feng shui.

It might be nice
to give the agenda

to the guy with
the disability first.

Well, when I gave you
yours first last month,

you reprimanded me for
giving you special treatment.

Well,
I certainly don'’t like

your giving me
special backtalk.

Good morning, everyone.
Ready for Abbotts?

[phone ringing]Oh, sorry.

[Man on phone] Hey.
Let'’s have another round.

Uh, Johnny.
Johnny, my good man.

How'’s the book coming? J.

War. What is it good for?

Apparently, lots
of things, Jerry.

[laughs][whimpers]

Uh, maybe if you could just

tell us what chapter
you'’re up to.

Sweet.

Pigs in the blanket
for everybody on me!

[dial tone] All right. Bye-bye, John.

Hemingway used to
write in bars.

Ah. Oh. We'’re so pleased

you decided to bless us
with your presence, Nicky.

Sorry.
Uh, bad traffic.

Hmm. Got hung up at
the divorce lawyer'’s office?

I kind of wanted that
to be private, Jerry.

Hmm, well, privacy is
for people who are on time.

[clears throat]

So how'’s
Abbotts'’ book coming?

Well. Extremely well.

There'’s a method
to his mad genius.

And now we'’re ready
to go over the cost report,

whenever you feel
like presenting it.

Oh, okay.

Uh, sales for The Complete
History of Bullets

are below projections.

Uh, marketing says people
have been intimidated

by the 1,400-page length.

Well, there are a lot of
bullets in the world.

It'’s not like
we'’re making it up.

All right. Let'’s talk about
the next order of business.

I'’ve given this
a lot of thought.

[sighs]

Next week'’s softball game.

Now, we'’re all tired
of losing to Presidio,

so I'’m moving Garth
to shortstop.

Finally.Actually, I'’m not
quite finished, Jerry.

Nick, I'’ve already
told you.

You'’re staying in left field.
We need you there.

This isn'’t softball-related.

You know our textbook writer
Suzie Cavendish?

Of course I know her.

I read her new manuscript,

and I thought
it was really good.

How did you
get a manuscript?

I ran into her at lunch,
and she told me about her book.

You don't send
the accountant
your manuscript.

Thanks for
your efforts, Nick.

But I'’ve already told Suzie
it'’s not for us.

[MacArthur groaning,
whimpering]It'’s not our subject matter.

Baby? What'’s wrong?

MacArthur?
What'’s wrong with you?

Come here. Baby.
What'’s wrong? What is wrong?

[whining]Talk to Daddy.

What happened?[retching]

[continues retching][Woman] Eww.

What did you feed her?

I'’m so, so, so sorry
about your dog.

I just scheduled
a full body scan
for MacArthur on Monday.

Oh, well, I have
the day off Monday,

but I'’ll take her
first thing Tuesday.

Oh, you'’ll take her Monday.

But I asked
for this time off

two months ago.

It'’s just one day.

I promised my boyfriend
I'’d go camping with him

for his 25th birthday.

It'’s your boyfriend's
25th birthday?

Yeah, it is.

God, I-- I had no idea.

I'’m sorry.

Why don'’t you take
the whole week off?

Really?
No!

Okay. No problem.

Come on, things
can'’t be that bad.

Okay. Let'’s see
what I have to look
forward to in life.

Washing my boss'’ dog.Mm-hmm.

Blow-drying my boss'’ dog.Mmm. Um-hmm.

Taking my boss'’ dog
for a CAT scan.

I'’m officially
a pathetic loser.

Well, at least we still
have Skittles and cigarettes.

Maybe you and Miles can
reschedule the weekend.

[Thea] Oh, yeah.
I'’ll see if Miles can
reschedule his birthday

to a day that'’ll
be good for Jerry.

You know, maybe Jerry'’s
on to something.

Who needs
a significant other

when you'’re dating
your own dog?

Jerry'’s repulsive.

I mean, have you smelled
his breath lately?

He'’s lucky he can get
a dog to date him.

You know, it'’s one thing

if Jerry
is an undersexed jerk

who takes no joy in life,

but why does he have to
make the rest of us that way?

I hate him.

In my office. Now!

You'’ve got some
pretty strong opinions

about my personal choices.

You find my relationship
with MacArthur

something to deride?

Not at all.

I totally respect
your devotion to animals.

I think you'’re involvement
with PETA is inspiring.

Don'’t bullshit me.

I'’m sorry.
I didn'’t mean any of it.

It was childish
and inexcusable,

and it won'’t happen again.

If you hate me so much,

I don'’t really think
it'’s healthy for you

to continue
working with me.

P-Please, you can'’t do this.

Watch me.But I need this job.

Here I go.I'’m supporting
my little sister.

You'’re fired.But I'’m--

You'’re what?
I'’m--

You'’re...

I'’m pregnant!Pregnant?

Yes. Pregnant.
Totally pregnant.

And the doctor
says that the chemicals
or hormones or whatever

are messing up my system
and you can'’t take anything
I say too seriously.

Except for when I say
I'’m pregnant because,
you know, I am.

[Thea]
Oh, God.

[no audible dialogue]

[chuckles]When are you due?

"Octember."
I mean, October.

October what?

Uh, probably the 6th.

Could be the 7th,
could be the 8th.

But fingers are crossed
for the 6th.

I mean, by then
I'’ll just be, like,
"Get this thing out of me."

You'’re almost
four months pregnant?

Yeah. Isn'’t that crazy?

Feels like yesterday
I wasn'’t.

But I was
because I'’m four months.

The legal department
is backing your story

about not being able
to fire a pregnant woman,

no matter how much
she might deserve it.

So get back to work.

Thank you so much, Jerry.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you.
From both of us.

[gasps] Oh.

Congratulations
on the baby.

The entire legal
department is thrilled.

Hey, why didn'’t you
tell me earlier?

Oh, I know.

Probably because
there'’s so much

that can go horribly wrong.

I mean, I'’m out of the woods.
But I do everything right.

Anyway, so I'’m having
my baby first,

not that it'’s a competition.

But I win.
[giggles]

Anyway, no, really,
congratulations.

Oh, Thea!

Oh, I'’m so excited
for you.

No wonder you'’ve been
spacey lately.

[Garth] What's going on?Oh, everybody,
Thea'’s pregnant!

Don'’t look at me.
I never touched her.

Never would have guessed.
You still look pretty sexy.

[Lisa] Wow.Yeah.
I had to tell everyone.

Couldn'’t keep it
a secret any longer.

No. Yes. Of course.

How can you hide
that kind of thing?

I should'’ve known.
My left knee'’s
been hurting.

When my knee hurts,
it usually means
someone'’s pregnant.

Really?Yeah, or they'’re stuck
underwater in a car.

But, anyway,
I'’m glad it's this.

So who'’s the very
lucky fella?

Oh, you didn'’t tell 'em
the rest of the news?

Thea and Miles are engaged.

[all] Oh!Awesome.

That is so great.

I mean, I got married
before I got pregnant,

but, you know,
better late than never.

Whoo-hoo! Yay for you.

Yeah, I'’m-- I'm really
excited, everyone.

Yeah, thrilled.

Over the moon. Way over it.

Pregnant.
It'’s brilliant.

Where did you
come up with that?

Oh, I saw it on
an episode of Law and Order.

Yeah, you can'’t fire
a pregnant woman.

Discrimination, lawsuits,
bad mojo, whatever.

Smart.

By the way,
thanks for your help.

Pregnant wasn'’t bad enough.

I had to get engaged.

Well, I didn'’t want people
to think

you were some kind
of wayward skank.

Oh, is that what you think
of single mothers?

No, of course not.

I just happen to know that
a lot of people in the office

think you'’re a wayward skank.

And I thought this could
turn it around.

Oh, thanks.
[sighs]

Crap, Lisa.
What am I gonna do?

How am I gonna
get out of this?

Can'’t we just say that,
you know,

something happened to,
uh, I don'’t know,

one of your tubes?

Sprung a leak.

Do you have any idea
what you'’re talking about?

Let'’s just go along
with it for a little while

and then we'’ll say
it was a false alarm.

That you thought
you were pregnant,

but it turns out
you just had crabs.

Eww.

I'’m so sorry, Em.

I had a crazy day at work,
and I lost track of time.

Am I too late?

Well, the meeting was at 4,
and it'’s 5:00 now.

You do the math.

I'’m really sorry.

Have you been drinking?

I had a cocktail.

Oh, come on. You'’re 17.

You should be out
drinking and smoking.

I promise I'’ll reschedule

with your guidance counselor
next week.

Don'’t bother.

I already met
with Miss Talbert,

and we discussed
my options.

What options?

Well, she suggested
I start taking

some cooking classes
after school.

Well, you have tennis
after school.

Yeah, but I'’m sick
of tennis.

I was thinking
maybe I could go to

the Culinary Institute
in San Francisco.

No way.

You're staying right here
and going to UCLA.

Tennis will cover
the tuition,

and I'’m busting my ass off
to cover the rest.

I know.

You keep telling me
when Mom and Dad died

we lost out on options.

Just do me a favor.
Be a grownup

and accept the hand
that you'’ve been dealt.

So that'’s what you do?

Yeah, that'’s what I do.

Um, really?

'’Cause you were at a bar

instead of my
parent/teacher conference.

Oh, hello, Mr. Abbotts.

Jerry? Jerry, where you?

Mr. Abbotts,
can I help you?

Is there anything
to drink in this place

or do I have to go to my car
and get my divining rod?

Sir, I could
get you some water.

Why don'’t you do that,
soldier?

Three parts Scotch,
one part water.

Okay. Move, move, move!

Hey, soldier.
How are you there?

What brings you
to the office?

Well, your brother
wants my book.

Jerry'’s at lunch,

but Thea can take
your manuscript for you.

Who'’s Thea?

She'’s Jerry's
secretary, John.

You talk to her
every day.Yeah.

Uh, and congratulations
are probably in order.

Thea just got good news.
She'’s having a baby.

Well, she looks like
she'’s strong stock.

Maybe she can give us
a strong future Marine.

Thea, do you have a minute?
So, uh, how are you?

Fine, thanks. You?Oh, I'’m fine.

But I'’m not the one with
a magical bundle of joy
growing inside of me.

So no morning sickness?
No bloating?

No. Nuh-unh.
Guess I'’m just
really lucky.

A little too lucky,
if you ask me.Yeah.

[sighs] And, uh, where--
where is your ring?

Well, we--Her fiancé is saving up
for her ring.

You know, it'’s not
very nice to try to
embarrass people.

So why don'’t you get back
to lying about yourself
on your dating websites?

Don'’t worry about him.
He doesn'’t know anything.

He'’s an idiot.

And I'’m sure

[shouting]
Greg is still a virgin!

[Woman]
Let'’s go, Jerry.

[cheering]

You'’re out.
Hey, watch it!

Dumb ass!

[Woman]
Come on, Nick!

Come on, Nick!
You can do it.

[MacArthur whimpering][cheering]

Come on, Nick![Man]
Get us a hit.

Get us a hit.
Come on.

Hit it!Oww!Ball.

Take your base.

Take a base.[Man]
He got on base!

Come on!

Come on, Thea.
Let'’s go, Thea.

[cheering]

Go, go, go!

Go, go!

Come on, come on,
come on!

Go home!Come on!

Safe!
[cheering]

Whoo.
Are you okay?

Yeah, I'’m great.

Way to go, Thea.

Come on, Colonel.
You can do it.

Yeah!Nicely done! That was great.

Uh, Thea?Yeah?

Kristen?
Yes.

Come here, please.

You shouldn'’t be
playing in your condition.

What condition?
Um, your baby,
dum-dum.

[Garth] Lisa, could you get
your ass out on base, please?Oh, yeah.

That'’s right.
Of course.We are taking you out.

For the season.Yes.

[sighs]All season.

[Garth] Yeah, Colonel![Jerry] Pull the trigger
on it, Colonel!

[cheering]

Hey, thanks for the RBI.

Yeah, well,
no more RBIs.

Jerry says I'’m a liability,
so I can'’t play.

'’Cause I'm pregnant.

Well, sounds like
the most reasonable opinion

he'’s had in years.

[cheering]

Yes!

[barking]

[barking, yelp]

[all] Aah!Oh!

MacArthur?

Get off!

Call an ambulance!Oh, it'’s okay.

I'’m coming for you, baby.[barking]

Daddy'’s got you.

[Man]
...on earth,
as it is in heaven.

I need a copy
of Abbotts'’ manuscript.

I'’m going to read it
in the car

on the way to his funeral.

What? You'’ve never seen
a manuscript on napkins before?

When genius strikes,
you write it down.

Do it now.Okay.

Oh, Thea,
should you still
be using the copier?

Copy machines emit
electro-magnetic waves.

And what does that do?

Well, no one knows yet.

But I'’ve been reading
on the message boards,

and it seems like
something you should avoid

if you'’re trying to have
a well pregnancy.

I think it should be okay.

Oh, good.

Well, if it
doesn'’t bother you,

then can you make 50 copies
of that for me?

Thank you.

You know, I find it
fascinating that Kristen

is only a month
further along than you

and yet she'’s the size
of a school bus,

while you'’re still over here
looking like Kate Moss.

Uh, different strokes,
I guess.

Perhaps it'’s easier
to feel the bump,

than to see it.

What'’s the big deal?

Everyone likes to touch
a pregnant stomach.

Because you'’re
a gross weirdo, Greg.

Hmm.

And the baby doesn'’t like
gross weirdoes, Greg.

[inhales sharply]
Hmm?

Okay. Um, you and me
are going shopping
after work.

What on earth are you doing?

I'’m stealing you
a belly.

What?
Shh!

You'’re four months
pregnant,

and you'’ve got the abs
of a GQswimsuit model.

Shh. Cover me.Okay.

Look--Oh, my G--

If you want people
to think you'’re pregnant,

you gotta start
talking the talk

and walking the...waddle.

I don'’t know
if I can do this.

You can do this.

Just do it for a week.

But you gotta look
the part

or people are gonna
get suspicious.

I look ridiculous.

These jeans are
elastic on the top.

I feel like I'’m wearing
a condom on my stomach.

Trust me.

You don'’t look like you've
been anywhere near a condom.

Gross.

Did you know that
when women are in labor,

they sometimes poop?

Eww.

Have you ever heard
of an episiotomy?

Ehh.
Or cankles?

Ohh.

Well, we should get this
as a reference.

I thought this whole thing
was going to blow over
in a few days.

Well, it will,
but until then,

you should know
the ins and outs
of being preggers.

I mean, there'’s
a whole world of stuff here

you know absolutely
nothing about.

Yeah, and I'’d kind of
like to keep it that way.

Eww!

Look at those nipples.

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

What?Here. Here.

No, no, no, no!
Can I keep the stomach
at your house?

No, that'’s like keeping
your arm at my house.

It'’s your stomach.
It stays with you.

I don'’t want Emma to find out.
I don'’t want Emma to find out.

She hates when I lie.You lie all the time.

No, really.It stays with you.

It'’s your stomach.Uhh.

[knocking]

Hey, can I get a little
privacy in here?

What are you
doing in there?

Can I just come in
for a second?

I'’m trying
to talk to you.

It doesn'’t matter
what I'’m doing right now.

I am busy right now.
Shoo!

Morning, Thea.
Got my check?

Wow, look at you.

Yeah, look at me.

Oh, it'’s not what--Oh, geez.

I mean, you'’ve obviously
got a lot on your plate.

Um, I'’m sorry
about the other day.

Don'’t worry
about the rent check.

Take another week or two.

You just take care
of yourself.

Oh, my God.

Oh, how exciting!

I have so much baby stuff
I can lend you.

Just let me know
if you need to borrow
my old breast pump.

I just have to rinse it.Okay.

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Ooh, yeah

My favorite lubricant, Ann?
WD-40.

Oh, Thea.

I made some brownies
for you to fatten you up.

Oh, thank you.You popped!

Yeah, well, once you pop,
you can'’t stop.

Oh, well, you'’re carrying low.
It'’s definitely a boy.

Well, whatever it is,
you'’ve obviously begun

that slippery slide
into obesity.

Ah, well, you had
a nice run there,
didn'’t you, champ?

Yeah, thanks.

Oh. Good morning.

[whispers]
Look at you.

Oh, my God.
I think I just
felt it kick.

Oh. Yeah, mark it
in the baby journal
for me, will you?

I will.

Are people buying it?

Totally. Totally.

Ann made me brownies.

I got a seat
on the bus today.

And Garth is not
attracted to me anymore.

Oh.
I know.

It'’s been the best morning
I'’ve had in years.

Okay, you want to hear
something even more amazing?

Have you read
Abbotts'’ new manuscript?

I get asked to Xerox,
not to read.

Okay, get ready to have
your mind blown.

Uh, "Philip of Macedon
had a hard-on.

Scaled great peaks
to conquer the Greeks."

It'’s all rhyming couplets
and dirty limericks.

And this is what Jerry'’s
betting the bank on.

It'’s insane.

Oh, you'’re welcome.

[chatter]

You look different.

Sorry, I'’ll move you
to the shady corner

in just a second, sir.

It'’s all right, dear.

You'’ve got
your hands full.

You'’ve exploded.

Why yes, she has.

[clears throat]

Well, people,

I'’m sure you'll be
relieved to hear

that MacArthur is expected
to make a full recovery.

I'’ve gotten her a spot
at the McElroy Center

for Veterinary Rehabilitation
in Bethesda.

It'’s the best
in the country.

They tell me
she should be at 90%

tail-wagging capability
after just six weeks.

I'’m going to be
out of the office
for a little while.

I'’ll be working out of
the rehab center in Bethesda

where I'’ve taken a room

for the duration
of MacArthur'’s stay.

Until I get back,

Nicky will be
holding down the fort.

I'’ll be giving him
strict instructions

not to do
anything stupid.

[Garth]
Code Red.

Seriously, Nick,

don'’t blow it.

Check it out.

There'’s our fearless leader

plotting
our brilliant future.

Well, at least,
with him in charge

I'’m off the hook.

Well, things are
looking up.

Okay, let'’s figure out
how to get me out of this mess.

I'’m going to Google
what kind of mishaps

can happen
when you'’re pregnant.

Hi, guys.
Sorry to bother you.

Uh, you'’re the boss
now, Nick.

You can bother us
anytime you want.

Right.

Um, Thea, I kind of
need a favor.

Would you--
Would you come with me?

We'’re meeting
Suzie Cavendish.

You may remember.

I mentioned her
in the meeting last week.

You see, Suzie'’s written
this hilarious book

about pregnancy.

It'’s true stories
about pregnant women

getting stuck in bathtubs

and throwing up
under their desks at work.

And farting by mistake
in meetings.

Stuff you must know
a lot more about than me.

Obviously.

Yeah, totally.
Totally.

I mean, I'’m trying
really, really hard

not to fart right now.

Anyway,

I want to publish
Suzie'’s book.

And while Jerry'’s gone,
I'’m going to do it.

You know, carpe diem
and all that stuff.

Yeah, definitely.

I actually used to be

a pretty carpe diem-
type person myself.

But not anymore.

Because I'’m pregnant.

Well, you see,
that'’s just it.

Suzie'’s not convinced
that Steinwald'’s

the right place for her book,

so I thought you might
help convince her otherwise.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, I'’ll just
talk to her about

the whole farting thing.

One thing.

Uh, Suzie kind of thinks
you'’re an editor.

Why would she think that?[whispers]
I kind of implied it.

What?
Suzie!

Hi.

Nice to see you.Good to see you.

Most pregnancy books
make you feel
totally inadequate

and how
you'’re destined to be
a failure as a parent.

No one writes about
what pregnancy is
really like.

How you feel fat
and clumsy and stupid.

The absolute worst

is What to Expect
When You'’re Expecting.

Have you read that?

Oh, no.

I was told it was so bad
I shouldn'’t even go near it.

So what are you reading?

Uh...

you know,
just the usual suspects.

Like?

Well, I was
banking on finding

Pregnancy For Dummies.

I love that series. Yeah.

Hmm. Interesting.

Come on, Nicky.

How can you guys
sell my book

if you'’re not even familiar
with the competition?

Well, Thea has
had a pretty full
workload lately.

I don'’t know, guys.

I don'’t know if this
is the right marriage.
I mean, come on.

From the people
who brought you the
Kalashnikov diaries

comes a comedic send-up
of 21st Century pregnancy?

It'’s just the right home
is so important.

I know. Suzie, we are
the right home.

I mean, sure our plumbing
is a little leaky,

and, uh, maybe we need
a new paint job.

But our backyard
is a really great place

for a barbeque in the summer.

You know?

Look, if we can
make a bestseller

out of The Defeat
of Darius III at Isis,
we'’ve got to be good.

I mean, that couldn'’t
be easy, right?
Absolutely.

Yeah, and the thing
about pregnancy is

it'’s incredibly messy.

And those other books
are teaching you

how to avoid the mess.

Well, you'’re embracing
the mess.

And you'’ve written
an incredible,

insightful, hilarious,
controversial manifesto.

And just--
just give us a shot.

It has bestseller
written all over it.

We promise
we won'’t let you down.

So you'’ve read it?

Oh, I live it.
Love it. Every day.

Let me think about it.

Hey, I'’m starting
a new birthing class
tomorrow.

Maybe Thea could take off
early and come with me.

Oh, absolutely.
She'’ll be there.

And bring your partner.

Uh, her fiancé.

Miles, right?

Yeah.

Could you excuse me
for a second?

Yes.

Vodka, straight up.

Thanks.

You okay?

I just set the world record
for bullshitting.

What happened?

Long story.

The point is I can'’t
handle doing it again.

A promotion?

You are
the new associate editor

of our brand-new
family division.

Family division?

Suzie just called.

She wants to give us
a shot thanks to you.

Now Suzie'’s book will
launch our new division.

It'’s a perfect opportunity
to capture a new demographic

and help the company
to grow vertically and--

Nick, look.
There'’s something
I need to tell you.

This whole thing
is a big lie

and I feel really terrible

but I'’m not really--An editor?

I know.

I'’m the one who
forced you to lie.

Which as a rule,
isn'’t great.

But what'’s not a lie,

is that you did
really good today.

There'’s so many people
more qualified.

So many people!

In ways you don'’t
even know.

Thea,

to be a good editor,
all you need

is a feel
for the material.

It'’s what my father had

when he started
this company.

And it'’s what
you obviously have.

You'’re living through
the thrills and challenges

of starting a family
right now.

What about Kristen?

She'’s pregnant.

Obviously, I am too,

but she'’s-- she's--
she'’s really pregnant.

First of all,
Kristen'’s a lawyer,

without a creative bone
in her body.

And then there'’s
the indisputable fact

that she'’s
a complete weirdo.

Oh. Look, Nick,

I mean, I see your point.

I do.
And I want to help.

But I just...

I-- I can'’t.

Thea, I'’m not
your accountant.

But the other thing
you should know is that

associate editors
make a lot more money
than secretaries.

A lot?

Let'’s just say you'll
have your own secretary

and your own office.

So are you my new
associate editor?

[sighs]
I guess I am.

Great.

War Stories From
the Pregnancy Front,

by Suzie Cavendish.

You loved it.
You live it.

You should
probably read it.

I do.
I agree with that.

I agree with
what you'’re saying.

I think if you have
your colon health,
you do have everything.

But I do-- I thought
it interesting

when you said we are
actually going wrong.

Going wrong.
And we should be

sort of on the seat
like a gargoyle,

as opposed to just
sitting...

[sighs]
Not now, Miles.

Aw, come on.

Don'’t you know enough about
being fake pregnant already?

How can this be
this big of a deal?

I mean, come on,
you do the nasty,

you get knocked up,

you inflate, and then

eight, nine months later--
nine months?

Nine months later,
you shoot that puppy out.

I mean, how can there
be 8 million books
about this?

Just promise me
you won'’t write one.

Okay.

If you promise me you'’re
still on birth control.

Believe me, I am.

Oh, yeah?Mm-hmm.

Excellent.

Nice new digs, huh?

Yeah.

So what did you think?

About what?

Suzie'’s book.
Any thoughts?

Oh.

Uh, yeah, it was great.

What do you think?

How much did you
actually read?

The first two chapters.

But I'’m gonna finish
the rest of it today.

I just got
a little distracted.

Nick, please,
let me explain.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[gasps]

You have shelves.

And a door.

[thud]

Congratulations, Thea.

Thank you, Greg.

Really think
you can get to the top

by playing games,
don'’t you?

I know what
you'’re up to, Thea.

And I think
that it stinks.

It super stinks.

Hmm.

Well, really?

Do you think
that it stinks

that I want to hire you
to be my assistant?

Really?

You'’ll start
first thing Monday,

after I put
the paperwork through.

Oh, wow, Thea.

Thea, thank you so much.

I could kiss you right now.

You don'’t have to
do that.

I'’ll see you later, boss.

Look at you,
Little Miss Executive.

Hardly.

I don'’t even really know
what I'’m doing here.

I didn'’t finish
the manuscript last night,

and Nick just asked
for my opinion,

and I didn'’t really
have one.

Well, you might
want to get one

because this is your ticket
out of the secretarial pool.

If your last name
is O'’Keefe,

why do you look Jewish?

Well, it'’s true.

You don'’t look Irish
to me.

♪ She'’s my butterfly ♪

♪ And you know
that cool reflection ♪

♪ Makes me smile

♪ She'’s my ♪ Steinwald Publishing.

♪ Butterfly

♪ And you know
that cool reflection ♪

♪ Makes me smile

So O'’Keefe's got
a new girlfriend.

He'’s robbing the cradle.

She'’s 95.

[chuckles]
Did you hear me?

I loved it.

It was funny and smart,
and you don'’t even

have to be pregnant
to enjoy it.

I mean,
I'’m guessing about that
because I am pregnant.

That'’s okay. I enjoyed it,
and I'’m not pregnant.

You know,
I was thinking.

You could organize
the chapters like a pregnancy.

You know, group each
woman'’s stories by trimester.

Oh, so the book
would start

with stories about
the awkward moments

and the first few months,
when everyone just thinks

you'’ve been eating
too many cupcakes.

Exactly. And then you get
to the second trimester stories.

Like Sally'’s story,
when she threw up in her purse
at her kid'’s school play.

Yeah.
Nick, I'’m sorry
I didn'’t finish
the book last night.

It won'’t happen again.I'’m glad you like it.

We'’ve got our work
cut out for us.

It'’ll be in bookstores
in just six weeks.

I want to have
a look at your notes,

but Suzie'’s birthing class
starts in 20 minutes,

so you should
probably head out.

I totally forgot.

Um, the thing is,
Miles is--

is going out of town
for work.

Oh, that'’s too bad.

Do you think maybe
I could reschedule?

Okay.

Now it'’s time for
partner relaxation techniques,

for when your special
marathon begins.

So partners, I want you
to move behind your marathoners

with your legs open
in a big "V."

Mmm. Welcome home.

Now, take this opportunity

to stroke your wives
or girlfriends.

Stroke it out.

Now why don'’t you whisper
something special to her?

Okay. Something that
only you two would share

in this private moment.

It could be funny,
it could be naughty.

[laughs]

I'’m not listening.

Let that relaxation
wash over you...

[whispering]
I am so sorry
about this.

It'’s-- You know,
you don'’t have to
stroke my hair.

Okay. Sorry.It'’s fine. Yeah.

Uh, you know,
you can lean back
if you want.

I can tell you'’re
kind of straining.

Yeah. I am.

Great.

Now that we'’re all relaxed,

let'’s try
some birthing positions.

Okay? Mary, could I borrow
your partner for just a sec?

All right.
I promise I'’ll give him back.

[laughs] Maybe!

I'’m just kidding.
Come up here, cutie.

All right.

Marathoners, I want you
to get on all fours

with your palms
firmly placed to the ground

and then we'’re gonna
rock back.

We'’re gonna
rock back into it.

Oh, feel that womb open up.

Feels familiar,
right, ladies?

This is how we got
ourselves into this mess.

For some of us,
not all of us.

The position'’s
not for everybody.

And now, partners,

I want you to envelop
your marathoner, okay?

And now just get
in a deep stretch here

around the belly.

Keep moving back and forth.
Right?

Get your hands on
the tummy back there.

Hands on the tummy.
And keep pushing in.

Keep pushing in and envelop.

Get right on top of there.

Feel that--
Feel that-- Oh!

Man down. Okay.

Sorry.

That'’s all right.
Just hop back on the horse.

Okay. No mistakes in here.

Okay. All right.

And finish up
when you feel done.

I need a few more,
if you'’ll indulge me, Mary.

Thank you.

Okay, and just keep
the rocking.

Never stop rocking.

Ohh! Yes.

Give it to me, Rob.
We'’re doing it now.

Ohh! [sighs]

Okay. And we'’re done.

Wonderful. Thank you.

This guy'’s good, right?

I'’m gonna borrow you
for another class.

Or after class.
Just-- I'’m kidding.

Good night, you guys.

Thank you.
That was great.

Thanks a lot.Bye.

Wow. That was
right up there as one

of the most embarrassing
moments of my life.

Hey, here, let me
get you something.

No.
No, no,
it'’s the least I can do

after nearly
paralyzing you.Thank you.

Hi.
Hi.

Umm...

Thanks.

So did you always
want to work

in the family business?

Uh, I wanted to be a writer.

But I was scared
I might be a total hack,

so I got
an accounting degree.

I figured I'’d make
a living doing that

while I finished my book

but kind of been stuck
in the middle for a few years.

What about you?

What do you want to be
when you grow up?

Well, in college
I played in a badass
metal band.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

You'’re a badass?Little bit. Kinda.

That'’s fascinating.

A little terrifying,
but fascinating.

So is that what
you did in college,

badass metal band
studies?

No, I didn'’t finish college.

Oh, why not? Too boring?

Not Joan Jett enough
for you?

No. Um, I loved college.

It'’s just my parents
passed away

in a car accident,
so I had to leave

to take care of
my little sister.

I'’m sorry.

I shouldn'’t
have said anything.

Oh, n-- no.
I-- I'’m glad you told me.

I'’m just so sorry
that happened.

Thanks.

So is your sister
a badass like you?

No. She'’s more of
a smartass.

Here.

Hey.

You know, uh, Suzie'’s having
a pool party this weekend.

You should come.
And bring Miles.

Pool party?
Yeah.

I promise I won'’t
be wearing a Speedo.

[door unlocking]

Nice look.

Do we have
a secret steam room

you never told me about?

No, I'’m going to
a pool party.

Ah. Good thing you'’ve
got that towel on now.

Wouldn'’t wanna leave that

till when you
actually get there.

Enough with the sass,
smarty pants.

What are you doing here?

Tennis ended early.

What'’s the bag for?

Nothing.

Come on, you can
do better than that.

At least I'’m wearing pants.

Pants?
You call those pants?

They'’re shorts.

All right, bye.

Don'’t call me
if you need me.

Okay, you really
have to act like

you'’re the father, okay?Yeah.

You'’re having the baby, too.
It'’s serious.

Oh, come on.

You have to appear
to be responsible.

Are you kidding me?

Babes,
I'’m totally psyched.

I'’m serious.
I thought about this.

Everyone'’s gonna think
I'’m a super-stud

for knocking up
a hot chick like you.

Okay, so, that'’s
an example of something

you wouldn'’t say.Baby.

Look, I think
you'’re beautiful,

even with
the extra weight.

♪ You keep me
in your head ♪

♪ When I'’m on the ground ♪

♪ Stop draggin'’ me down ♪

Hey. How are you?

Good, how are you?

Good. Nick, this is
my fiancé, Miles.

Miles, this is Nick.

Congratulations.
You must be so excited.

Oh, it'’s--

I just can'’t wait for
the little guy to pop out.

Oh, so you'’re
having a boy?

Yeah.We, uh, we just found out.

And do you have
a name yet?

Now, see.
I didn'’t think any--

We haven'’t decided yet.Hey.

Hey, Thea.
Garth, this is
my fiancé Miles.

Miles, this is Garth.
He'’s an editor at the company.

Oh, so you'’re
the lucky guy, huh?

Yes, I am.

But if I may
say so, sir,

you look pretty lucky
yourself there.

I'’m gonna go inside
and say hi to Suzie.

Oh, yeah, hold up, babe.
Listen, I'’m gonna take a dip.

It'’s, uh,
blazing out here. Babes?

Yeah?Yeah. Right there.

Anybody care to join?I will. Let'’s go in.

That'’s what
I like to hear.

I don'’t wanna
get my chain wet.

Listen, I have two friends
that I want you to meet.

They'’re both writers,
and they'’re actually looking

for a new publisher
so I think they'’ll
really like you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you and Nick
make such a good team.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

I want you to meet
Audrey Gold

and Dr. Terry Bournachle.

Terry wrote
the Bournachle Baby Book,

which is the bible.

Oh. I'’m not gonna
even touch that.

I don'’t wanna be accused
of having a God complex.

And Audrey just finished
a book on single parenting,

and I hear
from reliable sources

that she'’s not very happy
at Boyle Donner.

We would love
to meet with you guys.

That sounds great.

Give me a turn!

Yeah, Nick and Thea
just started

a parenting division
at Steinwald.

Oh. Hmm.

You have
the most unique shape.

I mean, if you don'’t
mind me asking,

you don'’t have
a distended uterus, do you?

Uh, no, no,
I-- I don'’t think so.

Well, who'’s your OB?

Dr. Draken Barysinwitz.

You mean Hans?
Frogenberry Schoenewitz?

I thought he moved
back to Vienna.

[all] Oh!

My bad. I just--

I was trying to--
Totally going for her.

Ha ha, very funny, Miles.

Hey. You should, uh,
you should totally come in.

We'’re having such
a good time in there.

No, no, it'’s okay.

I'’m-- I don't feel
like swimming right now.

Oh, come on.
It'’s so nice in there.

No one cares
that you'’re fat.

Come on, kids,
you should tell
her to come in.

She should come in, right?Yeah, you should--
you shouldn'’t.

Come in, come in, yeah,
come on, Nick. Come in.

No, it'’s okay.It'’s a really bad idea.
Yeah, no, it'’s okay.

You don'’t wanna
disappoint the children.

Whoo!Oh, shit.

[laughs]

What is that?

Ohh! Ohh!

[all] Oh!

[gasps]
[Suzie]
Are you okay?

That'’s not cool.

[Thea]
It was so humiliating.

So then on the way home,

I told him to drop me off
and never speak to me again.

Good.

I always thought Miles

was a bit of
a numbnut anyway.

I'’m just so embarrassed
that Nick thinks

he'’s the father
of my child.

Who cares
what Nick thinks?

Well, it'’s just, he's
the first person in years

that thinks I'’m capable

of doing more than just
pouring coffee.

Um, what do you think
Nick is gonna say

when he finds out
your baby is a piece

of polyurethane foam
we swiped off a mannequin?

He'’s actually kinda cute,
though, don'’t you think?

Who?

Um, Nick?

Um, no.

Cigarette?

No, I probably shouldn'’t.

[scoffs]

Okay.

Um, to recap,
uh, only one of you

would even bother
to look at the book.

And, uh,

the rest of you
wouldn'’t buy it

with a gun to your head,

which can'’t be good
for sales.

Can any of you tell me

why the cover
doesn'’t speak to you?

Maybe comparing pregnancy
to a battle is,

uh, putting you off.

Yes.

I can'’t stay
for the rest

of the focus group.

Can I still
get my check?

Just stop by reception.

Okay. Uh, one down.
Uh...

Maybe we should forget
what'’s on the cover

for a second.

I mean, what makes
this book great is that

it'’s a collection
of real stories for real women

talking about how
it feels to be pregnant.

So let'’s talk about how
some of us feel right now.

I feel like crap.

That'’s good.
I mean, that'’s bad.

But keep going.

How come no one talks about
how much pregnancy sucks!

Oh, there is no glow
in my house.

So what
I'’m hearing is is that
you'’re all so over it.

[Women] Yeah.

Hello, I'’m Orca the Whale.
Like, what'’s up with that?

I know, they'’re not
even bloated at all.

[Ann over P.A.]
Thea, your sister'’s
at reception.

Hey, what are you
doing here?

Oh, um, you forgot
to sign the release

for my trip
to Lake Arrowhead.

It'’s due today.Oh, okay.

Thea, aren'’t you going
to introduce me
to your sister?

Oh. Nick, Emma.
Emma, Nick.

Hello.She'’s in a real rush.
She has to go.

Okay, well,
this has been fun.

It'’s been fun.

Uh, what is that?

Just because you don'’t
like my dress

doesn'’t mean
you have to be rude.

Keep on moving.
I'’ll tell you outside.

What is wrong with you?

Look, I know
I'’m a big fat liar,

but Jerry was
gonna fire me,

and I had to come up
with something.

You are one sandwich shy
of a picnic, you know that?

You'’re crazy.
What are you thinking?

You might be
interested to know

that I got
a promotion and a raise.

I can'’t believe
we'’re actually related.

Look, as soon as I can,
I'’m gonna come clean.

Just--
Things are complicated,

and the entire company
is depending on me.

You know what?
I have heard enough.

I am outta here.

Morning, Thea.

Last month'’s
and this month'’s.

Wow, early.
That'’s a first.

I'’ve got something for you.

Oh, you made these?

Yes.
I hope you don'’t mind.

I went with marigold
because it'’s neutral.

Thank you.

Hey.
Hey.

Okay, not that
you'’re interested,

but the word is
that Nick'’s divorce

is finalized this week.

Garth told me.Garth told you?

Well, I'’ve been
hanging out with him

since you'’ve been
Little Miss Busy
all the time.

Hey.Hey. I took the liberty
of picking you up

a calcium-enriched smoothie
and a bran muffin.

I figured you might
be getting

a little backed up.

Thanks, Greg.You'’re welcome.

Excuse me.

Greg'’s worried about you
being backed up?

Constipation
is a common problem
for pregnant women.

Uhh.

Well, lucky for you,
you'’re not actually pregnant.

Or do you even
know that anymore?

Of course I know that.
Obviously.

[knocking]Hi.

Hi.
Sorry to interrupt.

I wanted to get you
a little something.

I ordered it off of eBay.

It'’s an armadillo foot for--
for when you'’re in labor.

It-- It wards off
the evil eye.

Thank you so much, Carl.
That'’s so sweet of you.

I'’ll keep it with me
the whole time.

Okay.

I know I told you
to go along with this

for a few weeks, but you'’re
starting to freak me out.

Look, things are going
really well for me.

Well, it'’s not because
of the stomach.

You'’re doing good work.

The only thing
you'’re doing bad

is walking around
with a load of bullshit
strapped to your stomach.

Nick. Nick.
[mocking]
Nick, Nick.

What'’s up?You'’re not gonna believe
who left me a voicemail.

Drum roll, please.
An associate producer
from The Vista.

No way.She read the book,
loves it,

and they just need to get
approval from Claire
and then we'’re in.

That would be
the greatest thing ever.

Oh.
Oh.

Sorry. I-- I'’m a bit
of a closet hugger.

I-- That won'’t happen again.That'’s okay.

[Ann over P.A.]
Nick, I'’ve got
Jerry for you.

Oh. Uh, put him through.

How you holding down
the fort, Nicky?

Good, good.
Everything'’s going--
going great.

Working on
a little project.

You haven'’t done
anything stupid, have you?

No, no, of course not.

You'’re doing great,
sweetie.

[whimpering]

Hey, do me a favor, Nick.
No little projects.

Don'’t do anything.
Don'’t touch anything.

If you need a project,
try Match.com.

It'’s been a while since
you'’ve seen any action.

Am I right or am I-- Okay, Jerry.
I'’ll talk to you later.

Thank you.

It really hasn'’t
been that long.

I'’m-- I'm sure.

Um, okay.
I got a lot of work to do,

so I'’m gonna go do it.

Okay. Bye.
Bye.

So the book comes out
in three weeks.

That-- That gives us
plenty of time for publicity.

I hope you don'’t mind.

I just couldn'’t
take it anymore.

Oh, wow.
Wow, I can see.

Oh, my God, Thea.

I don'’t know
if you know this,

but you'’re--
you'’re pregnant.

Your sense of humor
really takes a dive
after 9:00, huh?

Is it after 9?Yeah.

Oh, my God, I'’m--
I'’m slave-driving
a pregnant woman.

No, not at all.
I wanna be here.

I do. I feel like
I'’m making up for
lost time.

And I'’m really grateful
you'’ve given me this shot.

So thanks.It'’s my pleasure.

You should be at home
with your fiancé.

Right. My fiancé.

I'’m taking you home.

But, I promise to have

ridiculously
high expectations

of you in the morning.

Thank you.

Oh, here.
No, no, no, no.

Okay.

♪ I'’m lyin' here
awake at night ♪

♪ I'’m losing sleep
and wonderin'’ why ♪

♪ My forty winks
are in denial ♪

♪ Sit up, lie down,
and toss and turn ♪

♪ Tomorrow comes
my eyes will burn ♪

♪ The bed is cold
and I'’m on fire ♪

♪ If I fall asleep
I might ♪

♪ Miss you
in my dreams tonight ♪

♪ My ears tune in,
detect a creak ♪

♪ A shadow looking
in the deep ♪

♪ A glass of wine
will help the fear ♪

♪ That Bo-Peep
lost all her sheep ♪

♪ My mind can'’t seem
to rest a beat ♪

♪ I'’d be knocked out
if you were here ♪

Is this your first?

Yeah. I can'’t wait.

And you?

It'’s mine, too.

Would you sign
this, please?

Oh, wow.
Oh, that'’s amazing.

What about Thea?
Thea?

Absolutely.
You.

No, no, no.
Yeah.

No, yes.No, I just-- I stay
behind the camera.

You, over here
right now.

Come on.
Come on, give it a shot.

Oh, yeah. Work it.Nick!

Make love to the cam--
Sorry.

I know you don'’t actually
say that. I'’m sorry.

Mmm.Thanks for
coming here with me.

I had such a craving.

Are you kidding me?
I love mud slide pie.

I think we could use

a little more
whipped cream, though.

Oh, did I tell you
we signed Bournachle?

Thanks for hooking us
up with him.

My pleasure.

Oh, I may have
some good news.

I may have gotten us
two spots in Sunshine Daycare.

Great. Thanks.

I haven't even thought
about daycare.

I don'’t know how you do it,
with your kid,

your pregnancy,
and your job.

I can'’t even take care of
my little sister Emma.

I wish my mother left me
user instructions.

Well, there are no
hard and fast rules.

You just have to go
with your gut.

Yeah, well I certainly
have no shortage of gut
at the moment.

Well, when all else fails,
sugar and shopping.

Very persuasive.

[Claire on TV]
You don'’t even want

to get her started

with all
of the hot glue gunning
she does and the beads.

And she takes these
wonderful pictures.

And she really had
some fantastic ideas-- [doorbell rings]

...to work around that.

Hi.Hi. Is Emma here?

Yeah.Oh, hi, Emma.

Can you babysit
tomorrow night?

Oh, I can'’t,
Donna, sorry.

I have to study
with my friend Chloe.

Um, I can do it.

You know,
good practice.

That'’s right. Oh. Thea.
You are the best.

Tomorrow night at 8?Yes.

Great. Bye. Thank you.Bye.

Okay, I don'’t even know
who you are right now,

but you'’re definitely
not the best.

Do you wanna make cupcakes
and then maybe go shopping
at Forever 21?

No. Actually I'’d rather
scrub myself down

with a pineapple
than do that.

I don'’t know what to do.

I mean,
this was Dan'’s idea.

He was all, like,
"Let'’s have a baby.

It'’ll be so cute."

You know?
I was, like, really? Really?

Well, let'’s strap 50 pounds
of cement to your torso

and see how fun it is then.

You know, I just--
[sobbing]

Yeah. I know.
I understand.

I just need a drink.
Or some weed.

I know it'’s scary.

I mean, the fact
that we'’re gonna have

these tiny, fragile humans

totally dependent on us.

It'’s kind of
freaking me out, too.

Really?

Yeah.

'’Cause, Thea, you just--

you seem so together.

Oh, hi.
We need to talk.

What happened?

Okay,
thanks for listening.

Uh, I, uh...

I kind of got into
an altercation with Miles.

What are you
talking about?

He was kissing another woman.

So I confronted him.

And he told me--

He told me
he'’s not the father.

So I punched him.You what?

I punched him!
I couldn'’t help it.

It just-- It came over me.

You deserve better than that,
Thea, a-- a lot better.

[sighs]

Nick, Miles is not
the father.

He'’s not even
my boyfriend anymore.

The truth is,
there is no father.

I mean,
obviously there is,

but it was a one-night stand

and he'’s out of
the picture now.

Thea?

There is nothing wrong
with being a single mother.

Okay.
[knocking]

Um, the printer
has a question
about the binding.

He'’s on line 1.

Okay.

[whispering]
Oh! What was that about?

He looks like a maniac.

I just told Nick the truth.

[gasps]
How'’d he take it?

Okay.

He doesn'’t think I should
be with Miles anyway.

Yeah, but what--

what did he say
about the pregnancy?

Oh, he didn'’t say anything
about the pregnancy.

What'’s there to say?

Thea?

We should talk.

Do you want to get
a beer after work?

A beer?
You know I can'’t drink.

Is your stomach growing?

Well, I'm nearly
six months now.

Hi. How are you?

Uh, where'’s
my sister Emma?

Hey.

How was practice?

Fine. Same as usual.

Really?

That'’s funny
because Coach Henretti

told me you quit
a month ago.

I found this
in your backpack.

You'’ve got some
explaining to do.

That'’s dried cilantro.Yeah, right.

Smell it.
[sniffs]

Okay, maybe it is.
But where were you today?

At Jake'’s. Waiting tables.

You'’ve been lying for weeks.

Hey. I learn from the best.

Hey.
Um, your boss is here.

What?
Yeah.

Maybe he wants
to make cupcakes with you.

Um, can you get my stomach?
It'’s in my room.

Yeah. But, um,
it'’ll cost you.

25 bucks.

15!
Sold.

She'’ll be right with you!

She'’s just
getting dressed!

Oh, okay, thanks.

Does it make you
feel weird

knowing she'’s naked

only, like,
10 feet away?

Em!

Coming.

Stomach.
No, pay me.

I'’ll pay you after.
Just give me the stomach.

Oh, a promise from Thea?

Well, I can'’t take
that to the bank.

Just pay me now.
Fine.

Thank you.
Here'’s your fake belly.

Shut up and get out.

Hello.
Hey.

Okay.

Hey.
Hey.
How are you?

Good, how are you?Good.

Um, I-- I just--
I thought I'd stop by.

Uh, I wanted to
show you something.

Uh, it'’s our very first
complete copy of the book

with the cover
and everything.

That'’s-- That's great.

And wow, I'’m on the cover.

Oh. And we booked,
uh, Tynan'’s Bookstore

for the book launch.

That'’s awesome.

Well, um, I should
probably get outta here

and let you enjoy
your Saturday.

Well, um,
if you'’re free,

then do you wanna
get coffee?

Sure.

[dog barking]

[Nick]
I had a dog once.

Then Jerry stole it,
took it to college with him.

Oh.

There'’s something amazing
about having a child.

It makes you feel like a--
like a part of

something bigger, you know,
even if it'’s not real.

Well, for me, that is.

Lydia didn'’t want children.

And I never questioned it.

But now I-- I realize,

I-- I do want to be a father.

I'’ve been wanting to do that
for a really long time.

Actually,
I just-- just did that.

Right.

We should probably
take things slowly, though.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

♪ A flash of the light

♪ Is blinding my sight

♪ It'’s the moment ♪

♪ I'’m gonna shine ♪

♪ It'’s finally time ♪

Uh, I-- I have to--

I just realized,
I have to go.

I, um,
there'’s somewhere--

I-- I have to be somewhere.Sure. Okay.

My sister.

So, you just-- I'’ll--
I'’ll talk to you later.

Oh, okay.Okay.

♪ And I'’m gonna use it ♪

♪ Got class, a little sass

♪ In fact, we'’re mummified ♪

♪ For the oasis, darling

♪ Free champagne
when we arrive ♪

♪ Only the best
and never less ♪

♪ Right here
where we belong ♪

Yes, she'’s due
the 6th of October.

All right. Okay.

That was your friend
Rachel.

And these are for you.

She saw the book
at Crown Books.

How come you didn'’t
tell her you were pregnant?

Oh, I thought I told her.

It must have
slipped my mind.

Pregnancy brain.

I was planning on
waiting a little longer

to start a family,
you know.

Sow my wild oats
a little bit.

But I feel like there is
a larger purpose for me.

Thea,

you need someone who is
smart and responsible.

Oh, God.

I offer myself to you,

mind and body,
heart and soul.

Let me be your baby daddy.

Uh...

that'’s very
generous of you.

But it'’s-- you know,
that'’s not gonna happen.

Okay, you know what?
You know what?

Don'’t-- Don't worry about it.
It'’s a tough decision.

Thea,
could I talk to you?

Yeah, sure.
Yes, yes, absolutely.

If you could let me
know before lunch,

'’cause I have a JDate
I'’d have to cancel.

I really don'’t want
to do that if
I don'’t have to.

She-- she'’s a little
older and stuff.

So you'’re ready
for tonight?

Yeah. Totally.

We should clear the air.

Um...

I'’ve been thinking a lot
about what happened.

And I feel terrible
about it.

You do?

I'’m your boss,
and I made a--

[whispers]
I made a pass at you.

Nick, that'’s not it.
I made a pass at you.

I caught that pass,
and I threw it back.

And I liked it.
You did?

Look, that-- that'’s not
what it-- it is.

I'’m just afraid of-- of--

Some guy named Philip
is at reception.

He-- He says
he'’s the father?

Would you want me
to talk to this guy?

No, no, it'’s okay.
I'’ll--

I-- I'’ll take
care of it.I'’ll talk to him.

It'’s okay.
Thank you both. Excuse me.

Young man, don'’t you
have any sense of
responsibility?

I didn'’t
even know, lady.

She never returned
my calls.

Christ,
is it mine, Thea?

Believe me,
it'’s not yours.

You can'’t be sure.
I did the math.

Believe me, I can be sure.

I demand a DNA test!Yeah. Great to see you.

Yeah, I'’ll be happy
to tell her.
Bye.

That was your sister.
She needs you at home
right away.

Something about
a fire in the toilet?

Your toilet'’s on fire?

Isn'’t that
technically impossible?

Uh, uh, who'’s Philip?

An old, old boyfriend.
Big misunderstanding.

Everything okay?

Yeah.
Everything'’s okay.

No worries here.
Completely under control.

But, uh,
I-- I should probably
get home to my sister.

I'’ll, um, I'll meet
you at the party.

Whoa. Sorry.

[all]
Surprise!

[cheering]

Hi, everyone.
Oh, my God, Aunt Betty.

Surprise, darlin'’.
Darlin'’.

Yeah.It'’s so good to see you.

Aunt Jane and I just
drove in from Seattle.

Oh, thank you.

It'’s so sweet of you
to do this.

Oh, thank you.

[all] Oooh.

Ooh, it'’s the onesies.Just what I needed.

We all decorated them.

Who made this one?

And this one?

[babbling]

Oh, what a good job, Sam.

[Woman]
What is this?That one'’s mine.

I just thought it was
a little ironic.

[doorbell ringing]

More people are coming.

Hi.Whoa!

Oh. Hey.

Well, I hate to
break up the party,

but, uh,
we need to talk.

Um, everybody just
hang onto your seats

just in case
something happens
to her story.

Uh, you know, I should
probably get changed.

I need to be at a work event.

So thank you for
the shower, everyone.

Thank you.
Bye.

[murmuring]

She is so
out of control.
I mean, look.

She has, like, stockpiled
all of this random stuff

in her closet.

I mean, what--
what is this? Seriously.

It was on sale.

Okay. I need you to say

"My name is Thea,
and I am not pregnant."

This is ridiculous.
And I'’ve gotta go.

Come here.

You have got
to come clean.

I will.

Okay? I promise.
Just not yet.

It'’s just
I'’m better pregnant.

For once,
my life doesn'’t suck.

And I can'’t go back
to being Jerry'’s secretary

or unemployed.

So what are you
gonna do?

Just stay pregnant
for the rest of your life?

People will
get suspicious.

It'’s time to act
like a grownup

and stop
playing dress-up.

Oh, my God,
this is ridiculous.

Take off the stomach now!

No.Okay.

Well, then I'm gonna
take it off for you.

Get off of me!Let me take it off!

Get off of me.Oh, hey! Hey, guys!

Emma, stop it!

[muffled shouting]

Making noise.They are making noise.

Make her stop it!

Hey! Stop it!
I said stop.

Gosh. Come on.

Stay back.
Psycho.

I'’m gonna get
that thing off.Get off of me!

I'’m gonna
take it off now!

[gasps]
Give it back.

[cloth tearing]What are you doing?

You are so grounded.
Forever!

[Lisa]
Uh... ladies,

I think we need
to regroup.

[Emma]
Stark, raving mad.

Excuse me.

[Women gasping]

What are you doing?
What is going on?

I thought
she was pregnant.

[sighs]

Uh, um...

[Woman]
I'’m really confused.

Well, that is the last time

I throw a surprise party
for anyone.

That baked ziti
goes home with me.

[low chatter]

Sorry. I had to take care
of some things with Em.

The toilet fire?

Yeah. I got the blaze
under control.

You guys are amazing.

This is a great turnout.
Thank you.

Okay. Time to struggle
with p-public speaking.

Sit back and enjoy.

You'’re gonna be great.Thanks.

What? What was that?
Are you guys, uh--?

I don'’t know.
Maybe. Kinda.

[Suzie]
Oh! Good for you.

Good evening, everyone.
I'’m back.

Oh, no.

MacArthur finished
rehab a week early.

What'’s the matter, Nicky?

You don't look
happy to see me.

Of course I am, Jerry.
Welcome back.

You'’re just in time
for Suzie'’s reading.

I got a little surprise
for you.

I just signed Rumsfeld
for his first book deal!

Donald?No, Carlos.
Of course Donald.

I met him at
the rehab facility.

His cat had
a terrible case of sciatica.

They had to put
the poor thing on OxyContin.

She got addicted.
It was a mess.

Jerry, I'’m kind of
in the middle of
something here.

Anyway,
Rummy'’s book is genius.

It'’s gonna put us
back on the map.

It'’s a completely unique opus
about his time in Iraq,

sprinkled with some
of his favorite recipes.

It'’s called Fire It Up.
I'’ve got the manuscript
right here.

It sounds great, Jerry,
but I'’ve got a reading
right now.

Can this wait till later?You know what?

Actually I'’ll be
reading my book.

I'’m shutting down
your little operation.

Jerry, Suzie'’s book
is a real gem.

It could be a hit
for the company.

What are you so afraid of?

That I might do
a better job than you?

Hmm. Let me think.

Have you ever done better
than me at anything?

Hello, everybody.

I'’ve got a real treat
for you tonight.

I'’m gonna be reading from
Donald Rumsfeld'’s new book.

Here'’s a particularly
touching passage

about a short rib recipe
he picked up while in Baghdad.

Suzie'’s reading!

Go read your cookbook
somewhere else, Jerry.

Step away from
the podium, now!

Make me.

He begins, "As--"[grunting]

[all] Ohh!

[murmuring]

Okay. Okay.
Stop it! That'’s enough!

That'’s enough. Stop it!
Get off of him!

How pathetic.

You have to have
your secretary defend you.

She'’s not
a secretary, Jerry.

Oh, really?

Then what is she,
other than shrill?

She'’s a-- She's
a fantastic editor.

[laughs]
Oh, that'’s rich. An editor.

So I go away
for a few months,

and the world'’s
lamest accountant

is running my company

with the world'’s
dumbest secretary!

All I can say is

I hope your kid doesn'’t
inherit your brains.

[screams]

[Suzie]
Careful! Careful!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!Oh, God!

[loud pop]Oh, God!

[gasps]

[crowd gasps]

[Ann] What happened
to your stomach?

Oh, Nicky.

You always were such
a good judge of character.

Nick. I'’m sorry.
I'’m so sorry.

I never meant for
things to go this far.

Jerry was gonna fire me,

and I couldn'’t afford
to get fired.

And I thought
the whole thing

would blow over
in a day or two.

Blow over in a day or two?

What kind of person
pretends to be pregnant?

Nick, I'’m sorry,
just--

Please just--
Nick.

♪ I do my best
to save myself ♪

♪ But I don'’t have
the time to say ♪

Hey, Nick. It'’s Thea.

Um, kind of wondering
what you were up to.

Kind of assuming that
some of what you'’re up to

is hating me.

Kind of feeling
very bad about that.

Anyway, call me.

♪ I say I care,
but, babe, I never ♪

Hi, Nick. Thea again.

Um, I just want to say
that I'’m so, so sorry.

I was. I was.

I was talking to
your mother about it and,

you know, she and I
are on the same page
on this thing.

I would rather say
extra virgin olive oil.

I don'’t want to
abbreviate it. EVOO.
I mean, it'’s--

Hi, Nick, it'’s me.

Uh, I know you haven'’t
been interested

in picking up the phone.

But I just wanted to tell you

how much I really, really--

[answering machine beeps]

[doorbell rings]

Hi.
Hi.

Wow.

[sighs] So.

What have you been up to?

Hmm. Watching The Vista
on an endless loop.

It'’s self-inflicted torture.

That sounds healthy.

Well, it smells like
something died in here.

It did.

My soul.

Thea. You'’ve gotta give
yourself a tiny break.

People make mistakes.

I majorly screwed up.

Well, look on
the bright side.

They'’re still
talking about it at work.

How'’s Nick doing?

I don'’t know.
He resigned.

What?Mm-hmm.

Well, did he say anything
about what he'’s gonna do?

If you'’re asking me
if he said he was gonna

track you down
and propose to you

so you could spend the rest
of your lives together?

No. He didn'’t mention
anything specific.

I'’ve been calling him
and calling him.

And he won't call me back.

Yeah, well, maybe that
has something to do with

the massively twisted lie
you'’ve been telling him

for the last few months.

Do you think he'’ll
ever forgive me?

Do you want me
to be honest

or do you want me
to make you feel better?

How are Suzie'’s book sales?

Good.

You know, uh,
there'’s still a few boxes

that we need to distribute
here and there.

Oh, no.

Sorry. Hey.

Hey.

Mind if I join you?

It'’s a free country.

Mmm.
What'’s in this? Mint?

Yep.

It'’s perfect
with the pear.

So unexpected.

Yeah. That was
actually, um, my idea.

I kind of just thought
it would work.

Dad would have loved it.

Mom would have thought
it was too fussy.

But she would have
polished off

all the leftovers
after everyone
went to bed.

I'’m a big fat liar,

and I'’m sorry
you got stuck with me.

Listen, Em.

We'’re gonna make
this work. Okay?

I made an appointment
with the Culinary Institute

to talk
about student loans.

And I talked to Miss Talbert
about scholarships.

You know, Mom and Dad

would have been
so proud of you.

Thanks.

[no audible dialogue]

♪ We sit around

♪ Looking for flaws
in diamonds ♪

Needs, um...
I think ten more minutes.

I don'’t have
ten more minutes.

Yeah, but it'’s gonna be
all gooey inside.

Well, I'’ll just have
to take my chances.

[Man] Here she comes.
Here comes Claire, everybody.

I love you.
Oh.

I haven'’t missed a show
in five years.

Thank you. Thank you.
But you should get out more.

I'’m kidding.
I'’m kidding.

Hi, I'’m Thea Clayhill,
your biggest fan.

I made you
some pineapple cake.

It'’s your favorite, right?

Yes, it is.
Good reconnaissance.

Good for you.

How'’d you know
about the cake?

Oh, her May 15th show.

Yeah, she said it
in passing.

Hi.

I have some books for you.

Oh. Oh, great.

Just leave '’em
right over there.

Okay.
Keep your womb open.

Got it.
Bye.

I actually would like
even more toppings on my--

Hello.

Hey. Thea Clayhill,
your number 1 fan
with banana cream pie.

Well, you do
your homework.

I hope it'’s as delicious
as your pineapple cake.

♪ And we chase heartbreak

♪ Where we can see
heartbreak don'’t belong ♪

Maybe you can hit
a few more potholes next time.

[Man]
Claire, I love you.

[Woman] Oh, my God.
There she is. Claire!

There she is.
My number 1 fan,
Thea Clayhill.

Uh, pear ginger pie.

Nicely done,
Betty Crocker.

It'’s actually not me,
it'’s my little sister.

So what'’s your angle?

Besides trying to
make me a big fat pig.

You want to get
your little sister on TV?

I really want to get
this book on TV.

It'’s, um--
it'’s really special.

Okay. Thank you.

Thanks.

[Lisa]
Good luck.

Hi.
Hi.

I bet I'’m the last person
you wanted to see right now.

Well, maybe not
the last person.

Maybe the second
or third to last person.

I wouldn'’t want to see
my 6th grade

English teacher,
Ms. Posey.

She was awful.

Or my college boyfriend.

He dumped me on
an answering machine.

Listen, Suzie.
I'’m really sorry.

I really wish
I could have been

the person
you thought I was.

I just figured
if I told you the truth,

you wouldn'’t want me
in your life,

and I really enjoyed
being in yours.

I really enjoyed
being in your life, too,

for what it'’s worth.

Well, I'’ve got
some really good news.

We'’re gonna--

[screaming]Oh, my God, are you okay?

The baby'’s coming.

Right now? Now?

My water broke this morning.

My contractions
started an hour ago.

[screaming]Uh, where is everyone?

Jesse'’s on his way.

Okay.
Uh, what should I do?

Hot water? Towels?
You know what?

On second thought,
let'’s just get in the car
and go to the hospital.

Yeah, I think
the hospital'’s better
because a lot of people

can help us there
and I can'’t really
do much here.

No. No, no, no, no.
I'’m fine. I'm fine.

My contraction ended.

It'’ll be hours
before I have this baby.

And it'’s already
that painful?

You ain'’t seen nothin' yet.

It'’s gonna get
a whole lot worse

before we turn
this mother out.

Oh.
What were you saying?

Oh, um, The Vistawants you.

[screaming]Are you sure this is normal?

Yes, it'’s fine.

The Vista?
That's amazing. When?

In two hours.
They had a cancellation.

Yeah. That'’s not gonna
work for me.

[heavy exhaling][heavy exhaling]

Hurry!
We'’re gonna be late!

Hello. How are you?

Hi. I was going to
ask you if--

[baby crying]

I think I'’m sitting
on something.

Oh. Try this.Hey, Em, it'’s me.

Hey. I desperately
need a favor.

Here you go.
Don'’t cry, don't cry.

[doorbell rings]

[knocking]

Emma.Hi, Nick.

What are you doing here?

Um, I have to
take you somewhere.

Excuse me?
[sighs]

Please, just don'’t
make me explain.

It'’s really easiest
if you just get your keys.

We really have to go.

Emma.
Come on!

Well, now you'’re just
pulling our legs,

collectively.

We absolutely have
to begin in three minutes.

Your guy better get here.I promise he'’ll be here.

He'’ll be here.
It'’s gonna be great.

I don'’t know what's
keeping him so long.

I think it'’d be really fun
to have you back again.

When we come back, I'’m:

So Over This: What It'’s
Really Like to Be Pregnant.

So stick around.[applause]

Okay. I need four asses
in those seats right now.

Oh, my God, Lisa.
What are we gonna do?

You'’re gonna go.What?

Great.I don'’t wanna go.

Yeah.
Hello. Hi.

How are you? Thank you.
Loved the book.

Thank you. Come on in.

Oh. Hello, little baby.

Come on up. Hi. Hello.

Wow. Laura.
What an amazing story.

I cannot believe
that beautiful baby

was born at the DMV.

Great. So, Thea.
Any kids?

Oh, no.
Never been pregnant.

So why another pregnancy book?

Don'’t you think
the market'’s a bit flooded?

Well,
this one'’s different.

It'’s not a how-to book

or a bunch of rules
and recipes.

These stories
are ultimately

about the birth
of a new love--

We'’re late.I can'’t believe
she booked with Vista.

...and how it can be
messy and weird,

but in the end you'’re
so much stronger

for having
gone through it.

Even if you did
something you
may regret.

And to be honest,
I was just helping out.

You know, I shouldn'’t even
really be sitting up here.

It was Nick Steinwald,

who'’s sitting in
the audience right now.

He'’s responsible
for the whole thing.

He believed in the book
from the beginning,

and he believed in me.

And I really can'’t
thank him enough for that.

Well, why don'’t
we try, everybody?

How about it?
Nick Steinwald, stand up.

Stand up.

[Claire]
Get him a mic.

So she sings your praises.

What is it about the book
that appealed to you?

Um, well,
I thought Suzie'’s book

had a-- a fresh and funny
perspective on pregnancy.

You know, Thea was right
when she said it was a book

about how love can see
you through anything.

And-- And how

if you love someone,

you can forgive them
for all of

the crazy and idiotic
things they do.

Because love is
a leap of faith,

and sometimes

you just have to jump.

Don'’t you?

Wow. Okay.

I'’m gonna jump
in here for a second

and, uh, thank you
both so much.

Again, the book is
I'm So Over This:

What It'’s Really Like
to Be Pregnant.

And for more information
there'’s a link on our website,

TheVista.com.

One last thing.

Nick, do you know
how cute you are?

Uh, no.

No, he doesn'’t.
He doesn'’t, does he?

Okay,
thank you very much.

[applause]

Hey, hey, hey.
Guess what.

The producer said there'’s
been over a 100,000 hits

on the show'’s link
to your book.

Yeah.That'’s fantastic.

Yes, it is.Thanks, Claire.

Okay. Thank you.

Hey.

Thank you.

It'’s the least I could do.

I meant what I said

about I can'’t
thank you enough,

you know,
now that it'’s all over.

What'’s over?

Working together,
being together.

Just togetherness
in general.

It doesn'’t have to be.

We made
a good book together.

We can make another one.

Would you wanna do that?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Still feel backed up?

Thanks, Greg.

Should it freak me out
that he knows more about
your bowels than I do?

Uh, maybe that'’s
a good thing.

If I'’ve been timing
these right,

and I'’m sure I have,
you'’re up in

10, 9, 8, 7--

[screams]

Yes! Just six seconds off.

What I'’d miss?

Uh, we'’re contracting
every half hour.

Okay.
You okay?
Yeah.

At this rate,
we'’re gonna kick
this puppy out at 0900.

Oh, they should
head out now.

Stat.No one'’s going anywhere.

The doctor said to wait
until they're every 15--

[screams]Oh, oh, okay.

Wait.
You'’re-- You're way off.

Oh, that one hurt.You'’re way off here.

That one was not good.

Sweet Jesus.
Thea'’s having a baby. Now!

Okay. No, no, no--What are we gonna do?

What the hell
are we going to do?Move, move, move!

Well, good luck
on your APGAR scores.

My baby got a perfect 10.

I mean, your baby'’s
gonna do well.

Maybe like a 7
or an 8.

If it'’s a boy,
feel free to name him Carl.

I love you guys.Go get '’em, champ.

No matter what
they tell you,
get the epidural!

Don'’t screw
this up, you two.

Let'’s hope!Are you ready?

Let'’s hope!I love you.

I love you, too.

But this is
all your fault!

Semper Fi.

Push! Oh, not yet.

Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA

♪♪ [rock]

♪ Next to argyle

♪ You are gingersnap

♪ Cousin to chimpanzee

♪ You came swinging

♪ In my life

♪ Munkeys kill
the misérables ♪

♪ Hey

♪ Hey

♪ No longer,
we should celebrate ♪

♪ No, no misérables

♪ Next to argyle

♪ You are June perfume

♪ Fairweather trampoline

♪ Fell off, well get back

♪ In my life

♪ Munkeys kill
the misérables ♪

♪ Hey

♪ On holidays

♪ We should never stray

♪ No, never, ever

♪ Another one goes by

♪ Here comes the broom,
it sweeps by ♪

♪ Trust fades
to "F Word" drive by'’s ♪

♪ I never hated

♪ But now my hate'’s
so strong ♪

♪ Cuz I don'’t want ♪

♪ To fall in love
with a maybe ♪

♪ I could be wrong

♪ I could be wrong

♪ And I could be...

♪ Next to argyle

♪ We are off the tracks

♪ Trust is necessity

♪ In time,
it gets back in your life ♪

♪ Munkeys kill
the misérables ♪

♪ Hey

♪ Hey

♪ We should sell
our brains ♪

♪ No, no misérables

♪ And on holidays

♪ We will never stray

♪ No, never, ever stop

♪ It'’s gonna be
all right ♪

♪ Here comes the broom,
it sweeps by ♪

♪ This time it sweeps
on right by ♪

♪ We now know

♪ How to mess
with major miss ♪

♪ Cuz I can'’t wait ♪

♪ To fall in love

♪ With you, baby

♪ Again

♪ And I could be wrong

♪ I could be wrong

♪ And I could be wrong

♪ And I could be wrong