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[Bob] Since the keeping of time, who hasn't longed to shift the hands of the clock back?

Maybe to a general era, maybe to a specific moment

to just before it all started to slip away.

Now, my time machine cannot place you on that one day.

It cannot find for you the critical moment,

the nexus of the tragic flow,

but it can transport you back to a time

when the blood ran hot in your veins

and your sleep was deep in dreams.

- What? - Honey.

Now, my time machine can give you all this,

and for half the price of a conventional mattress.

- Jesus. - Honey.

Hang in there, little man. The grownups are talking.

Now this is the gold standard. Our platinum line.

- Mom, I don't want a futon. - It's a cotton mattress, tenderfoot.

Let me save you a lot of heartache over the next 20 years.

Wanting's got nothing to do with it.

When I was your age, I wanted to be a fire truck.

Yeah? And I want a real bed.

[chuckling, muttering]

Yeah, and I wanted a wife that didn't sleep with other men.

- [Mom] What? - If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts,

every day would be Christmas, and the both of us would be banging supermodels.

- You follow my thread, cupcake? - That's it. We're leaving.

What?

Shit.

And why does he need a real bed?

It's gonna be another 15 years before he knows how to properly fuck on it.

You know what it is? I'll tell you what it is.

It's the glorification of youth.

And you say, "Bob, so what?

So what if we're a culture of youth worship?"

Well, say I, consider the Hitler Youth. Or the Khmer Rouge.

- Can I get a witness on this? Smiley. - I am nothing if not a witness.

And what do the young know about anything anyway?

Not one thing.

Brewer, what did you know when you were 20?

- Not one thing. - And now?

- Everything. - [Bob] Defense rests.

Might as well glorify cardboard.

Glorify sand. It's all the same thing.

Present company excepted, honey.

I hope Smiley carded you.

I'm 23.

[laughing] Uh-huh. And I'm Cab Calloway.

Welcome to The Cotton Club.

[Brewer] Tall, tan, and terrific.

Hey, uh, don't you usually come in here

with a big guy, what's his name?

- Adam. - Yeah, Adam.

Hmm. Where's he tonight?

Well, I got about 20 minutes.

Slide down here and tell me the story of your very young life.

[alarm clock buzzing]

[Bob retching, coughing]

[alarm continues]

[retching, coughing continues]

[toilet flushing]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

Ahh...

Share the sidewalk, asshole!

It's not a weapon, lady!

[Jean] Hi, my name is Bob.

[in unison] Hi, Bob.

It's been 30 seconds since my last drink.

- Goodbye, dear. - Goodbye.

Ms. Funk, there's a woman here to see you.

- [sighs] What now? - [Sonny] I think it's about Bob.

Yeah, that-- that door's a push.

Thank you.

- You all right there? - Yeah, fine.

- Push, pull, pull, push. - Yeah. Very confusing.

Yeah. Have a great day.

Huh? Yeah. Yeah, you, too.

Fifty percent off anything on the floor.

Sure.

Glad to see you back with us.

That 50 percent is coming off your commission this month.

If you even have any.

Did you actually tell that woman about Theresa?

Theresa? What? What about her?

She said you were talking about your cheating ex-wife.

What? No. [scoffs]

Uh, listen, can we... can we talk about this later?

Robert, tomorrow morning, 8:30 sharp, my office.

- 8:30. Sharp! - Yeah.

[alarm clock buzzing]

[retching, coughing]

Ahh...

Come on!

Like clockwork.

[in unison] Morning, Bob.

- Hey, Bob, are you a friend of Bill's? - I got enough friends.

- Name one. - [laughing]

It's very, very sexy.

So, who is the guy?

Friend of a friend. He owns a dozen doughnut shops.

Huh. It's funny.

Well, anyway, I should get to the office, so...

Good luck tonight.

- Thanks for the sweater, hon. - Absolutely.

- What time is it? - Quarter past 9:00.

I told him. 8:30 a.m., sharp.

[Ruthie] This is where the magic happens.

Jean, Sonny, Ms. Thorne.

- [Jean] How you doing? - [Ruthie] I'm done.

[Sonny] Nice to meet you.

- [Ruthie chattering] - [Raymundo] She knows.

That's how it goes. Funk Foam and Futon. Please hold.

Oh, hold the elevator.

- Hey, who's that? - Oh, that's the new kid.

- She's pretty, huh? - I think she's being groomed to replace you, Bob.

[Steve chattering]

I'll probably have to use a coach for the accent.

...Canterbury Tales and Don Quix-- Don Quix--

Hi, Bob. I was just saying that I might get to do the lead in this play.

I was telling her it was kind of a cross between

Canterbury Tales and Don Quixote.

It's a real brainy, very brainy, very,

you know, very old-timey.

I'll probably have to use a coach for the-- to do the accents and--

- [Bob clears throat] - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

This is Ms. Thorne. This is Mr. Funk.

- [Bob] Ms. Thorne. - Hi.

Nice to meet you.

[Steve] You got a--

- Yeah. - I don't wanna--

- Now, no-- Uh-- Just let me-- - Um... Oh, okay.

- Let me-- Oh. - Thank you.

- Ow. I'm sorry, sorry. - Ow, thank you.

- Thank you. - Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Here you go. [chuckles]

- There you-- - Hey, thanks.

So, it's really old-timey stuff because--

I, um-- Anyway, I-- Back to the salt mines, 'cause I gotta--

- It was nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, Steve. Good luck today.

So...

Ms. Thorne.

Ruthie?

Right here.

Page Robert for me, please.

Doing it.

Which is not to say that you have no rights at all.

- That's not the way we do things here. - Bob Funk to Admin.

That's not American.

I don't even think that's legal.

- Bob Funk to Admin. - Is that for you?

Bob Funk to Admin, please.

The chain of command is simple.

Up here you have the upper management.

Down here you have the, uh,

secretaries, janitorial and the like,

and around the center here you have yourself

and other lesser, uh,

Middle management?

Precisely. Middle management.

Or as we like to call it here at Funk Foam and Futon,

upper support.

Sonny and Jean say he's here, but he didn't answer the page.

[Raymundo] I'd go, but I've got an online doctor's appointment in five minutes.

- Oh, go. - I saw him talking to the new kid.

- Uh-- - That was good.

Did you change your clothes, Steve?

What? Smelled like Bob.

That's--

Uh, I'm sor-- I didn't mean to snatch it away.

It's-- This is a--

This is a-- an executive clipboard.

And so there might have been a confidential directive--

What do you do here, exactly?

Uh, V.P. of sales.

Vice president of sales?

Yeah, I made that leap.

Huh.

Anyway, the point is, uh,

maybe you'd like to grab a bite some evening.

Tonight?

Tomorrow?

Whenever. Be happy to go over the ins and outs of the shop.

Not a date, necessarily,

but it never hurts to have a friend on the inside.

- Good morning, Robert. - Good morning.

Uh, have you met Ms. Thorne?

Yes. I hired her.

Did you forget our meeting?

Yeah. I'll be there in two shakes.

Actually, we need you there now.

All right, I'll be there in one shake.

I want you to stop harassing this woman...

and get into my office, please.

Excuse me? I-- Was I harassing you?

[Ms. Funk] I was standing right here.

Well, this is an A and B conversation,

and you're the letter C!

Oh, no.

- That actually hurts. - Come on.

[Bob] Are you out of your mind?

I was just... welcoming that girl.

You were harassing that girl,

and you were supposed to be here with me 45 minutes ago.

- You act like you're gonna spank me. - I should. Look at you.

You look like something the cat wouldn't even touch.

You wore that yesterday, didn't you?

Did you even go home last night?

And that relates to work how?

You are on very thin ice, and you're slipping.

Your people skills are abominable.

Your sales suck, and if you want to continue to work here,

you're gonna have to change your ways.

Now.

Ronald, Ms. Thorne, if you would.

All right. Apologize.

To whom?

Do I need to be here for this?

Yes. To Ms. Thorne. For harassing her.

- But I didn't harass her! - Oh, really, that's not necessary.

- I'm not comfortable with apologies. - Thank you.

Apologize.

- Some big brouhaha, huh? - How's your mother, Steve?

Huh? Oh, I got that ointment you suggested,

and the fatty tumors, they cleared right up.

What's really going on?

- Steve! Please! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm gonna go over here.

Bob, come on!

Come on what?

Say the words, Robert.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I said I don't know what to you, and I shouldn't have said it.

If I could take it back, I would.

If you would like to flay the flesh from my back,

then please feel free to do so!

'Cause I'm so sorry I thought about fucking you!

I'm so unbelievably sorry!

Oh, my God.

Happy?

Robert, you're fired.

[Bob] People? Fuck people. People are shit.

You wanna know what it is? I'll tell you what it is.

Futons. Okay? That's what we do.

People are kinda integral to the whole mercantile thing, Bob.

People, after all, are the people who buy futons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, people. Blah, blah, blah, people.

Fine, Ron, but Bob's not a people person.

Tell the world. Bob's not a people person!

What's happening with you? You're acting like a loser lately.

You know? A real loser, Bob.

Like someone who has actually lost.

How flattering.

I don't mean that you are a loser,

you're just acting like a loser.

Forget I said it.

I can't forget it, Ron. It's out there.

Where? Out where?

What?

I'm sorry, I was, uh--

Your table's kind of large. I was wondering if you could share your seat.

- Sure. - Oh, Ron, did you hear?

Mr. Gotrocks here wants to join us.

Oh, oh, please, would you?

My life is in tatters,

and I can think of nothing I'd like more

than to share this moment with you!

Wha-- Hey! Hey! Don't make me beg!

- Cut it out! - You know what my first impulse was?

To tell her to go fuck herself because I can get a better job anywhere in town.

Because I'm a contributor. Remember last fall? I was selling 2,000 a day.

Remember? A day!

Uh-huh.

Can you talk to her?

You know how tough she can be once she makes up her mind.

Just fuck "tough" for me, Ron?

She likes you better. Okay? There, I said it.

My mortification is complete.

Mom has always liked you better, and she'll do it if you ask her.

She doesn't like me better.

Please.

[Bob] It's all so romantic, isn't it? This misery.

Welcome to my decline.

Thank you for having me.

- Hey. - [Brewer] Hey!

You, uh, ever chew a piece of gum so long you hate yourself?

Okay.

[speaking Indonesian]

Huh?

[laughing] I'm just fucking with you.

- Oh. [laughing] - [Brewer laughs]

[Bob] Very good. Yeah.

Smiley. Another box of chablis for the young lady.

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

- Unbelievable. - [doorbell ringing]

[sighs] Sh--

[Mrs. Funk] May we come in?

Hmm...

How long have you lived here?

Almost two years.

When you gonna move in?

Ha-ha.

Ron was quite eloquent on your behalf,

so I've reconsidered.

So, you will step down as V.P. of sales

for a period of no less than 90 days.

You will track sales for the stores here in town

and the Pacoima outfit.

Ms. Thorne will supervise this probationary period.

Fantastic. Track sales, report to Minnie Mouse.

Glad to do it.

Bob...

Sorry. Sorry.

As you wish.

There is one more thing. This is as your mother now, not your boss.

You need to get some help.

I want you to see a therapist. Someone who--

Hi.

Hi.

I was thinking I'd go.

Oh! [laughs]

Here you go.

Thanks.

See ya.

Bye.

Are you kidding? She's a child.

What? She's twenty...two.

Old enough to drink. She can take care of herself.

Okay. I'm back to being the boss.

Therapy is not requested. It's required.

You can see anyone you like, provided she's a woman.

You have got to let go of Theresa and get on with your life.

What? Hold on? What? You want me to be more up-and-up?

Uh, fine. Watch my mouth, punch the clock, whatever.

Sky's the limit. But a shrink?

[Bob] People will talk.

Take it or leave it.

Can I keep my office at least?

Machines, clothing, family,

flavor, pleasure-- it all wears out, Smiley.

It's entropy.

The logic of decay.

There's no man for whom pleasure has ever been continuous.

Not even as a child?

I had no childhood, Bob.

And hello to you.

I don't know you. Chardonnay.

This has been a good, good day.

What? What is that? [sniffs] That smell?

- Potpourri? - Yeah. Yeah.

Gotta say, not fooled.

Lemony zest, misty vanilla morning, whatever.

Make me think of public toilets.

I see.

Which is not to say that it smells like ass in here.

It does not. It smells like potpourri.

And that makes me think that you're hiding something.

Because you know what it is? I'll tell you.

Psychiatry is like alchemy.

Trying to define human behavior is like trying to turn lead into gold,

which we now know cannot be done.

I'm only here as part of a deal I made,

which we're not discussing because that's personal.

I don't need some woman to-- Oop.

Pardon my French.

I mean, I don't need some person-- hmm?--

to tell me that just because my mother didn't teach me to wipe myself correctly,

I'm suddenly dysfunctional.

And I have quirks. That makes me human.

But if being human makes you crazy,

then get out your straitjacket and lock me away.

Do you everyone who sees a therapist is crazy?

No. I never said that.

It's-- Hey. Therapy?

Just not something I need.

I think everyone, no matter how well-adjusted,

can benefit from a little therapy.

Yes, well, of course you'd think that. You're a therapist.

That's like a baker saying everyone needs to eat cake,

which is not true, because some people are fat.

The Japanese have slept on these for over 10,000 years.

Not this exact futon, mind you.

- [Sonny laughing] - Oh, no!

[Jean] Not this one.

Although we do have one in the back

that the Japanese have slept on for a--

almost, uh-- how long, Sonny?

That one's relatively new.

I think that one's only been slept on for maybe fourteen-- fifteen hundred years.

- Wow! - Yeah.

- Now, the Osaka mat. - Oh, the Osaka.

Hey, were you here when we had the Osaka?

Is that the one Ms. Funk gave to the Smithsonian?

Exactly.

- And then it goes back to Peking. - Peking?

Because of the post-Maoist Cultural Heritage Laws...

regarding Japanese antiquities.

- [Miss Berman] Oh... - Yeah.

The point is, I think we have something

that will easily last until you get married again.

You have a problem with Rorschach?

Not per se, but I was hoping for something a little more up-to-date

in the way of psychoanalytic tools.

But what do I know? Give me your best spot.

Get it?

Like ink spot? It's a joke?

Yes, I got it.

And no, I don't think everything has to be a joke.

Okay. Hit me.

That? It's a small penis.

Large cave of some sort.

It's a... small penis.

Hmm.

Small penis.

Small penis.

Oh. That's a squirrel...

running up the side of a very small penis.

Hey, I was kidding. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I was kidding about the penises, Dr. Day.

You know that, right? What are you writing?

Are you writing that he was kidding about the penises?

Rorschach isn't a method, Ron. It's a parlor trick.

It's like I went in for a shot of penicillin, and she threw a bunch of leeches on my back.

And she's too good-looking to be a shrink.

- So don't go back. - Don't go back.

I have to go back, Ron. She took copious notes.

Who knows what she'd do if she felt I betrayed her.

And she came highly recommended.

Hey, Bobby. What do you think about Ms. Thorne?

- She's nice, huh? - Oh, yeah, she's a real peach.

And she smells great.

I don't know if it's one of those oils, or it's perfume or what,

but I touched her earlier, her shoulder.

I can still smell her.

It's-- [sniffs]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pull up there, big shooter.

You have a wife, and a good one.

As if it's as simple as that.

No? Then explain it to me.

She does not touch me.

We sleep in the same bed every night,

and it's like it's been months since--

And I keep hoping, you know, she'll--

Forget it.

Why didn't you tell me? You think I was gonna make fun of you?

Just don't bust my chops for the occasional fantasy.

- I'm a big boy, okay? - You wouldn't have an affair.

My life is hard enough as it is.

- What? - I need a constant to anchor myself,

- and you and Janet are my-- - That's not my job!

You gotta be your own anchor or whatever.

You know, I can barely anchor myself,

much less the two of us, so...

I'm sorry.

Hey!

I got the part! I got it!

The play. They just called me here at work!

I got the part!

Hey! Ruth! I got the part! Hey, Ruthie!

Raymundo, I got the part!

I mean, therapy is for people who don't have friends.

Where the hell is everyone?

Oh, look. I get to throw myself under a bus again.

Bob...

Miss?

May I buy you a drink?

[laughing]

I'd sooner drink a quart of my own blood.

Now that I would pay to see.

Ha! Missed me!

Mr. Funk?

Mr. Funk?

[snoring]

Mr. Funk? [shrieks]

Sorry.

Uh... Hey. Sorry. Surprised me. What's up?

Uh, okay, um,

these form 69-J's are filled out incorrectly again.

Oh, Christ. Those are the bane of my existence.

[coughs]

Are you all right?

[coughs] Yeah.

Listen, uh, you won't mention this to my mother, will you?

No.

Uh, but if they're filed wrong again, we will get fined by the city.

- Duly noted. - Okay. Bye.

- Hi, Ms. Thorne. - Hi, Mr. Funk.

Oh, my God. Bob, you gotta remember to change your clothes.

Gross.

Very funny.

Oh, there you are. I'm off to Bangkok.

Bangkok? Is that a joke?

Didn't you get the memo? I'm on vacation next week.

Thailand. Asia.

Safe trip, Ms. F.

Thank you, Steve.

[tapping window]

- Ride's ready. - Don't hover, dear.

Did I tell you I got the part in the play?

Hey, will you freshen up? This is my office.

- Have a great trip, Ms. Funk. - Thank you, Jean.

- Safe travels. - Thanks, Sonny.

Her highness has left the building.

I hear she's off to her castle on Mean Mountain

to feast off the flesh of innocents.

Hey, I'm not sure you pressed this area out right here.

I thought she was going to Thailand.

Oh, 69-J's, huh?

- Yeah. - Did Ms. Thorne sign off on those?

Give me a little credit, huh? Okay?

How's the, uh, the thing? The Janet thing.

What? I'm trying to help.

I know, but you know what? Don't.

Don't help. Physician, heal thyself, you know?

Meaning what?

Meaning you can smell the liquor from three cubicles down, Bobby.

I haven't had one drop yet today. Not one drop!

It doesn't matter. It's coming off of you like...

like Grandma Dorothy with her Manhattans at the club.

You remember that?

I can't win.

Come on.

- Where you going? - Post office.

Is that okay? Keeping tabs on me now?

You're keeping tabs on me for Mom.

Bobby, come on!

You know what I need from you from this point on? Nothing!

I can do this, all of this, myself.

I went to college with Dave Bernstein at Dreamy's.

One call! People all over town are saying nice things about me.

All the time I'm getting calls from people,

"Love to work with you, if you can cut yourself free of the tit!"

Hey, hey, come on!

It's biblical, this story.

The mother both brothers need, brother against brother.

This is good material.

Hey, Steve! You should be writing this shit down, my man!

Hey, Bob, welcome back.

We hung out with your new boss.

We may like her even better than we like you, Bob.

You like everybody better than me.

Well!

It's true.

But so impolite to bring it up.

Oh, uh, no.

[Bob] No, you.

[chuckles]

[Bob] Go. Please go.

- I'll make some more. - Oh, no, it's fine.

- But I can make fresh. - This is still good, right?

[percolating]

- [pop] - What happened?

I don't know. Maybe the acid in the coffee did something to the thing in the thing.

[hissing, buzzing]

Excuse me. Are you actually reading Moby Dick?

Yeah, I'm getting an accounting certification.

[hissing]

Why do I always do stuff like this?

[Steve] I think Bob and Ms. Thorne make a cute couple, don't you?

What? You think she'd go for him?

I don't know. She's that type.

What type?

The type that goes for, uh, potential.

Hey, look. There's a lot of people with potential in the world.

I don't think Bob is one of them. Okay?

- Okay. Sure. - Okay.

[Bob] American lit?

It's not required.

I just wanted something with a little human spirit in it, you know?

- And I like whales. - Don't read the end.

Now I feel bad because your mom's paying for half my tuition,

so I kind of feel like I'm defrauding her, you know?

And then I trash the coffee maker.

Jesus.

Well, don't worry about it.

We got, like, ten of those things on sale.

And as far as the class goes, well...

it'll be our secret.

Thank you.

Smart.

It's okay.

Yeah, I think you killed it.

- Guess I'll have tea. - Yeah.

I'll make it.

By the way, your sweater's on inside out.

- Don't work too late. Good night. - I won't. Good night.

[grumbles] Ah, Christ!

- Oh! [laughs] - Jesus!

- [Ms. Thorne] Sorry. - No, it's okay.

- Sorry. - My heart actually stopped there for a second.

I am so sorry. Yeah.

Hey, did you get a chance to finish up those form 69-J's?

- Mailed them out today. - Oh.

Uh, did you keep a file copy? Because I never saw them, you know.

On my desk.

Okay.

You pulling some O.T.?

Um... Well, I was drinking some tea,

but I managed to spill an entire cupful into my keyboard.

Do you think I ruined it, the keyboard?

It was just herbal tea, but--

Herbal tea. Like it makes a difference.

Yeah. I'm sure it'll be fine.

This elevator doesn't seem to be working.

I can just walk up. I'm just going up to the roof.

- Uh, why? - To throw myself off, actually.

- What? - I'm just kidding.

I like to go up sometimes just to look at the stars.

Oh. Okay.

Would you like to come with?

Uh... really?

Why not?

[Ms. Thorne] My folks were big campers.

I would just lay out and watch the stars all night.

In August, there's meteor showers.

One night I saw 33 shooting stars.

Really?

You know, I don't think I've ever seen one.

It's comforting, isn't it?

How inconceivably huge the universe is.

Comforting? It's terrifying.

Yeah.

But... just against something so infinite,

nothing with our lives can seem so...

consequential.

[Bob] Huh.

Your brother told me you and he used to go camping with your mom.

Yeah. Well...

My father died when we were little,

so she was always trying to be the dad, too, you know?

We'd usually end up in a hotel.

You two are, uh, friendly, you and my brother?

He's a sweet guy.

He's sweet? Hmm?

He's sweet?

- Did I say something wrong? - He's married.

And he's thinking about you a lot!

Okay. Whoa.

Ronnie and Janet--

Who's Ronnie?

My brother.

And Janet, his wife, they've been together forever,

and she's like a sister.

And he's thinking about you--

Aren't you married?

Uh, well, I was.

And you never once thought about another woman?

That's different. She's good to him.

Your wife wasn't good to you?

She... She took up with another guy.

She left me to be with him.

I'm sorry.

I know what that's like.

- You do? - I do.

But I don't think about your brother that way.

And to be fair to him, thinking isn't a crime.

Thank God.

I'd be on death row, you know what I mean?

That was a joke.

Oh, I know. I just didn't laugh.

Thinking may not be a crime, but... wishes can be dangerous things.

What do you wish for that's so dangerous?

That I didn't talk so much. You?

Oh, that I didn't break everything.

Remind me never to give you my heart.

[laughs]

- I'm sorry. That was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. - No. No, no, no, no.

That was inappropriate.

- I'm gonna go. - Yeah.

- But, uh-- You? - No, I'm gonna stay here.

Okay. Good night.

Yeah. Ms. Thorne?

Yeah?

Do you think we could ever be friends?

Oh, well...

stranger things have happened.

- [clang] - Ow!

Are you okay?

I'm okay.

Then when I was 14, I dated a girl named Lisa.

She was full through the hips.

Cute overbite.

I broke up with her. I don't remember why.

Later, she was absent from school a great deal.

I believe the two are unrelated.

Then I lost the weight and started dating the "pretty" girls.

Jeez, I almost said the "normal" girls.

I'm a sick man.

Yes, you are.

Just trying to find that thread that ties it all together.

One minute I'm losing my mind, the next,

God is looking right at me, but...

just a glance.

That's the nature of God, Bob.

Chardonnay.

Feel a powerful mojo comin' on.

Suppose it'd kill you to be a little sweeter?

Go fuck your mother.

[stifled laugh]

Hear that? Some women, they pop off, they expect us to be gents about it.

- It's like they forget we can beat them up. - Okay, come on.

Would it kill you to just talk to me?

[Smiley] Enough.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Smiley.

I'm sorry.

Weird fuckin' world, huh?

Hey, sister, you wanna buy a ticket to this weird fuckin' world?

You wanna drop dead?

Yeah.

So I'm at the hot dog cart today and I'm thinking about my crappy sales

and how I'm not getting any younger.

I don't want to end up one of those sad sacks,

sitting in a diner with an early-bird hamburger and a free senior coffee.

And here's the what. I used to think that drinking coffee with a hamburger was bizarre.

Now I don't mind it.

Which all goes to say that aging is mystifying and a horror.

Anyway, there I am in line, ruminating on my mounting failures

and my imminent decline,

when the Arab guy goes, "Who's next?"

And I go, "I am," you know, because I am,

when this bike messenger says, "Gimme an orange drink."

Just blurts it out like that. "Gimme an orange drink."

And the Arab-- Israeli, Persian, whatever--

he gets it for him.

Then he takes my order.

Me, I want two hot dogs. Onions, relish, no mustard.

I fuckin' hate mustard. Except with ham.

And then only if it's honey mustard,

but believe me, Mr. Saheem Sahbip

doesn't have any honey mustard, you know what I mean?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I boring you?

- Bob-- - No, no, no. Please, please.

Feel free to stretch right out and go to sleep,

and old boring Uncle Bob will tell you a nice "sweepy wittle" bedtime story

from his ho-hum life.

Bob, it's not that.

Staring at me with those big, sleepy green eyes,

begging me, "Oh, God, Bob, be interesting.

Please, God. Bob, tell me something good for once."

It's nothing personal, I promise.

No, no. That was a suppressed yawn of boredom.

I saw it with my own two eyes.

I pay you, okay? You work for me, Dr. Freud.

Bottom line!

Feel better?

A little.

Anyway, after the hot dog incident--

let's refer to it from now on as the "hot dog incident,"

because I don't wanna plumb the depths of the--

Anyway, I see this guy today. Old guy.

- Yes? - He's dancing out in the middle of Parthenia Avenue

with a big piece of cardboard on his chest that says, "Jesus, I love you."

And I'm like, "Hello! Hello in there!

He apparently doesn't love you, you yammerin' fuck!"

I mean, why would I be wandering the streets

like some kind of dunce if Jesus loved him?

You know?

Why did you feel like it was you?

What? Why did I think who was me?

Well, you said, "Why would I be wandering the streets

like some kind of dunce if Jesus loved him."

You know, perhaps you heard that.

Perhaps you nodded off there briefly and dreamt it,

but I did not say that I--

Let's talk instead for a minute about listening.

Okay? Let's talk about respect.

I'm sorry, Bob, it-- it is time.

I know. I know.

The big hand's on the 12, the little hand's on the 6.

Proud of me? I can tell time. Bob's a time teller, everybody!

Can I come twice next week?

Bangkok is choked with pollution,

and the people eat rats and bugs.

Jean said you went to some mountain.

Was it Shut Up Mountain?

Shouldn't you be selling something?

How was your trip, Mrs. Funk?

You're back already? Jeez.

[Steve] Welcome back, Ms. F.

[Ruthie] What'd you bring me?

I'll get that-- I'll get that for you.

- You met a guy? - In Thailand?

Yes. Thanks.

I'm not dead yet.

[knocking, door opens]

Oh, just, uh, welcome home, Ms. F.

Thank you, Steve. How's your mother?

Oh, great, great. She can feel her feet again.

So she's up and about.

[Ms. Funk] Lovely.

Steve, did you tell the boys about the $12,000 fine

the city has levied against us?

I-- I was--

No, no. I'll tell them.

12,000? That's steep.

There were eight misfiled forms,

which, according to the city, can be construed as fraud.

You just have no chemistry for business, Robert.

I wish I knew what chemical it is that I'm missing.

Just trying to do a job here.

Perhaps seeing it as just a job

is the problem, Robert.

Duly noted. Get more personally involved.

You're missing the point. Business is business.

It is not personal.

And... you were on probation.

Are you firing me again?

Because I've done everything you asked.

- The shrink? - She's not.

- You're not firing him. - My mind is made up.

[clears throat] I don't want you to fire Bob, Mom.

Things aren't going too well for Janet and I, and--

Jesus, don't, Ron.

I couldn't take it.

Mom, please. Make my life that much easier.

[loud heartbeats]

[no audible dialogue]

[loud heartbeats continue]

- [big band music plays] - [loud heartbeats fade away]

Plan and sweat and toil of the earth,

but verily, the greatest of thine plans

shall cometh to naught.

Life...

is not a meritocracy, Bob.

It's survival of the fittest.

The rest... end up here.

You shouldn't be so afraid.

What am I afraid of?

The attraction you're feeling right now.

It's not your fault.

I got an extra gene.

Make me genetically irresistible.

You're an asshole.

Yeah.

But I'm a charismatic asshole.

Let me buy you a drink.

Why would I let you do that?

We've been enemies long enough.

[grunting, groaning]

Here, here...

What the hell?

[male singer] ♪ Chills and fever ♪

♪ Chills and fever ♪

♪ That's what I get when I think of you ♪

- Off! Off! - ♪ Chills and fever ♪

[laughing]

- ♪ Chills and fever ♪ - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Let me help you. Hurry. - ♪ Well, I love you, baby ♪

♪ And there's nothing that I can do ♪

No. No, no, no. That's not it. That's not it.

♪ Oh, Lord, I tremble ♪

- Ow! - [Bob] Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- ♪ When you touch me ♪ - No, don't touch it. Don't touch it. Oh!

[Bob grunts]

♪ I feel like I'm catching ♪

♪ A-catching on fire ♪

[panting]

♪ Help, I need you ♪

♪ I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And now you know the reason why ♪

♪ Chills and fever ♪

♪ Chills and fever ♪

You seen my other shoe? It's a black pump.

Huh. Black, red, magenta.

If it's a pump, it probably belongs to you.

Why don't you stay? We can go to breakfast.

Look, um...

I don't even remember your name. Sorry.

It's, uh, it's Bob.

Yeah, um...

I don't wanna spend the night with you.

I don't wanna have breakfast with you.

You had your shot. It's on my stomach.

Well... let's try again.

What, have you never done this before?

You wanna be my man now? You wanna be my big daddy?

I let you fuck me, so you win. Okay?

Can't you be happy with that?

[door opens, closes]

[phone ringing]

[ringing]

- [clears throat] - [Ron] Bobby?

- Yeah. - Mom has a job for you.

Fuck this!

It's all we've got open. Seriously.

- This is an object lesson. - Bob-- Maybe that, too.

What about him?

Um, Mom's retiring him.

He'll show you what to do. Sanjay?

- Sanjay! - [muttering]

Christ, I thought he was dead.

They're finally letting me retire.

Did you know that when I came to work he--

Hey.

You look like Bob Funk.

Eh?

He's disoriented.

Ah. [laughing]

Get him off. Get him off of me.

- [Sanjay] I love this boy. - Sanjay...

[Sanjay chattering]

Hey! Get out of this!

[loud heartbeats]

[loud heartbeats continue]

- [loud knocking] - [Ron] Bobby!

[radio newscaster] ...Blue Jays and the Yankees meet tonight--

- [loud knocking] - Bobby!

Dave Stieb gets the start for the Jays, while the Yanks send Guidry to the mound.

[loud knocking]

...after the Blue Jays stormed back in the top of the ninth with 12 runs to win the game.

Oh, thank God you're-- What happened to your face?

- Where have you been? - What do you mean?

You've been missing for nearly three days.

- What? Days? - What happened to your face?

- Bob-- Bobby! - Call you later.

[sports report continues on radio]

Bobby!

Bobby, if you don't talk to me, I'll come back here.

Bobby!

This is the story of your life.

[train horn]

- Come on, just chill. - Fuck you!

[sobs]

[crying]

Ow.

Ah-- Oh.

[grunting]

Oh!

Oh, my God. You scared the hell out of me. Christ, you look crappy.

- Ron! - Jesus, I'm right here.

Bobby!

- You came to the house. - Yeah. Yeah, I did.

You're looking better.

Anyway, um... I'll get coffee.

That'd be good, thanks. Thank you.

The janitor thing.

- Is that still an option? - Yeah. Yes, oh, yeah.

Yes!

Where was this?

I'm pretty sure the original Michigan Avenue in New York City.

[laughing]

Where do the old readers meet?

Around the corner, third door on the left.

- Hey, Tommy. - See you next week.

All right. Good luck to you.

Thank you.

Well, hi. I'm Mark.

Bob.

First time with us, I think. So how you doing?

I'm okay, I guess.

- Friend of Bill's. - Yeah. Bill Wilson.

He's our founder.

I'm sorry. Just, uh...

I don't have the same problems as these people.

I have it easy.

It just makes me think I've been acting like a pussy.

I hear what you're saying, but I think you're being a little hard on yourself.

I'm listening to people with real problems talk about the disease.

If what I have is a disease, then the cure is character.

Character is important,

but the cure is not drinking.

There are many paths that lead to that cure.

This one's mine.

Makes me look at why I do what I do,

but it's not some requirement for the cure.

- People talk like it is. - Ah, people like to talk.

Only thing you need to listen to is the one voice, the true voice,

the voice that lets you know what's right.

If that voice brings you back to us, we're not going anywhere.

Thanks.

Jenny, hey! Haven't see you in a while.

Hey, Bob! Welcome back.

We missed you.

Friend of Bill's?

I get it.

What the hell was that supposed to mean?

Sanjay.

Sanjay. Sanjay.

[yells]

Okay, all right.

I thought you were dead!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're sorry that I'm alive?

No. I didn't mean to say it.

- Oh, that's-- It's okay. - I'm glad you're alive.

- Okay. - You're a good boy.

Where am I?

Oh, hi. I haven't seen you in forever.

Hi.

You look fantastic.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, and you look great, too.

Oh, thanks.

- I should go. I'm really late. - Okay.

- I'm here every night. - I'll see you again.

- Yeah. - I'm here every night.

- Night. - Right.

- Good night. - Bye.

- Nighty night. - Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Nighty night?

Bob! Hey, the place has never looked better.

Which is a testament to your skill.

So what do you need, Sonny?

Well, it's the desk.

You see how I have it set up here?

I got the coffee mug here, my pens here,

order forms here, record book here.

Could you make sure it stays that way?

- All right. - 'Cause sometimes I come in here

and the pens are over there, and the coffee cup is where the order forms should go.

It's complete chaos, so could you look out for me, brotha?

You bet. Good night.

Dude, you are so cold.

- What? What'd I do? - "What? What'd I do?"

[mocking each other]

This is broken.

It's honest work.

And I don't mean like "Brother, can you spare a dime" honest.

It's straightforward.

The fruits of your labors are right there.

Floors are swept, carpets vacuumed.

Mm-hmm.

I feel custodial,

like I've been given the custody of something.

I'm the caretaker.

- The curate. - Right.

Yes, I'm a janitor, but it's not like sales.

Right here.

Dragging Mrs. Whozits around the showroom floor,

trying to get her to buy the most expensive futon

for Tiffany to take to Brown in the fall.

That's not honest work.

It's getting people to think that they need things.

It's not custodial.

I think you're doing great, Bob.

You don't have to yank my chain here, Ron. I'm just talking.

No, no. I--

Cleanest I've ever seen the place. Truly.

Thanks, Ron. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You ever think about dad?

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

What do you remember? Anything?

Yeah, I kind of remember we were going fishing.

I remember being excited about that.

The green tent.

Yeah.

Why do you ask?

- [squirts liquid] - What's that?

like no static or something?

Yeah, exactly.

That's cool.

You and Janet ever think about seeing someone?

What, like a counselor?

Um...

Just think about it.

It's your life, okay?

Hey, are you using your free days?

Like going to museums, ball games,

all the stuff we never get to do here?

Uh, no. Not yet.

You gotta strike a blow for all of us chained to a desk all day.

I bet you somebody like Ms. Thorne would like stuff like that,

like culture and...

stuff like... I don't know.

- Culture. - Yeah.

Like that.

Now, get back to work.

Yes, sir, Mr. Funk.

That son of a bitch.

What's up?

Bob super-glued everything to the desk.

[chuckles]

That's kinda funny, though, right?

- Kinda funny? - Yeah.

It's fucking genius.

So I finally get to window, and I ask the lady for two-cent stamps.

You know, for the increase.

And she shuffles through the drawer for a minute,

and I'm thinking, "What are the chances she'll find something useful in there

like, oh, I don't know, stamps?"

But no! She turns and ambles on back to the back room back there-- back there--

God knows what they do back there.

The door swings open, and I see some guy standing back there in a T-shirt

staring off into space with his lips moving-- lips moving-- lips moving--

lips moving like some idiot savant

composing a sonata for flute and fucking harpsichord back there.

And I'm thinking, "This is part of the federal government, isn't it?"

I mean, we got a line snaking all through the lobby,

and they got one woman working the window.

One! And she's gone. She's disappeared. Poof!

All these people in line, they hate me because I made the lady go away!

Are you all right?

I love you, Dr. Day. Okay? I said it, and I'm glad I said it.

- Bob, I... - I know it's not healthy.

Are you gonna tell me you haven't heard of one instance

where a doctor and a patient fell in love and got--

And I'm not saying we should get married. No, I've been down that road.

Eight years with a woman named Pestilence.

Fuck marriage. Just throw it down and fuck it.

I wanted to tell you how I feel

because that's what I paid money to come here and do.

I think you're confusing the fact that I help you to feel better

with the whole idea of a loving and healthy and mutual relationship.

You don't have to cheapen it.

Yes, I feel better.

But if that's a crime, then shave my head and electrocute me.

That's not why I love you.

Bob, I've grown quite fond of you.

But you must know that I don't have feelings of romantic love for you.

Give me a little credit. I didn't think I would tell you,

and you were gonna fall into my arms. "Oh, Bob!"

You're a sexy, classy lady, and you act like one.

I didn't think I would tell you, and we'd start to date

and spend long evenings together and go to breakfast.

There's no hidden agenda here, Dr. Day.

I'm not trying to swing a special rate, you know?

I just wanted to see if I could still say the words.

That's all.

Yes, I'm sorry, we are a little past time.

Bob.

Don't underestimate your ability to love someone who can love you back.

See you next time.

Culture!

It's a blank canvas.

How can they call it a painting if there isn't any paint?

That's more your speed.

You want room for milk?

Excuse me. You want room for milk?

Yes, I would love room for milk. Thank you for asking.

Seriously, guy, what's going on?

It's...

just so beautiful.

[humming]

- Hi. - [continues humming]

- Hi! - Oh! Jesus Christ!

Sorry! Sorry.

- You've got to stop doing that. - I'm sorry.

- You okay? - Yeah.

I'm gonna get you a collar with a bell.

A really big bell.

Um, what have you got there?

I don't, uh-- Huh? Nothing.

Behind your--

It was supposed to be a surprise for the morning.

Surprise me now.

Uh...

Okay. Close 'em and put 'em out.

Out. Put 'em out. There we go.

And... ta-da!

It's The Starry Night.

The artist cut his own ear off.

- But you probably knew that. - I did.

Oh, wow.

I don't think even I could spill stuff out of this.

Yeah, that last spill took a full bottle of that Didi stuff to get out.

What was that? Ink?

Motor oil.

- Sorry. - Of course.

Oh, what happened to your phone?

It broke.

Never seen a receiver broken in half like this.

Did you strike something with it?

- I dropped it. - From where?

I did a pretty good job taping it, though, don't you think?

Very nice, yes.

The edge of the tape kept coming up and getting stuck in my hair,

so thank you.

No problem. You're welcome.

So what brings you here so late?

I was just in the neighborhood.

Huh.

[chuckles]

Look, uh, this is an apology.

We got off on the wrong foot with the harassment thing and the 69-J's,

and I was a jerk.

Yeah.

No.

Apology accepted.

I mean, clearly you've changed, but...

but the good kinda change.

Has anybody, you know, told you?

My shrink, maybe, but...

you'd be the first real person.

Thank you, Ms. Thorne.

You're welcome.

Oh, uh, I got you a flower.

I love daisies. Thank you.

Oh, and... a muffin.

What kind?

Cranberry.

Shut up!

- Cranberry is my favorite. - Really?

Yeah! Somebody told you.

No, no. I went to the Muffin Hut.

They got like 102 different-- Kinda like, "Cranberry!"

Is it your favorite, really?

It is.

It really, really is.

♪♪ [soft piano]

So, uh, you want another club soda?

Yeah, with lots and lots and lots of lime.

[squirts soda]

Fighting the good fight, huh?

What is that? I don't know what that means, "the good fight."

Drying out.

On the wagon.

Is that clock right?

Yep.

It never seems late enough to go home.

And what's late enough?

Time is, what, like a line?

But there's no room in that.

If time is a construct,

then why can't we reconstruct it from a line to a box?

Like a coffin?

Hi.

Everything's a riddle to me these days.

It's paranormal.

I wish I was some kind of oracle, you know?

I wish I was the kind of guy who could figure things out.

Why are you here, Bob?

To lord your new sobriety around the room?

Or are you just waiting to fall off the wagon onto more familiar ground?

- I'm here to see my friends. - Yeah?

What's this?

A G&T from Brewer.

Your friend.

Welcome back.

I'll tell you why you're here, Bob.

And if you're wise, you'll listen.

Why am I here?

You're here to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

[Bob] She had very large gums and very small teeth.

When she smiled, it was disconcerting,

like the mouth of a small child.

It was repulsive to me.

Still, I was married to her for eight years.

I learned to live with it.

I adapted to the status quo.

Now I can't adapt because there's no constant.

You'd think it'd be easy, like riding a bike.

For me, these days, it's easy like falling down.

Let me know if you guys need anything.

- Laura. - Huh?

Uh, this is my mom.

Oh, wow. Hi.

I've heard... so much about you.

Thank you, dear. Excellent coffee.

Thank you.

Okay. Give a shout if you need me.

Thanks.

She's a very attractive girl.

I like it here.

I just need...

Yeah. Just a little hair of the dog, Robert.

I've had a long night.

- I know the feeling. - Hmm.

Maybe it isn't so difficult to get a good cup of coffee.

Finding a good man, though...

Oh, I met an old friend of yours. I...

Ah. Derrick Milton.

- Remember him? - Sure. From college?

What was he majoring in, do you remember?

- Was it date rape? - Mom!

Don't be a prude, Robert.

What was he like?

Derrick Milton?

Mom.

We lived...

You father and I lived... with your grandma and grandpa

when we were first married.

All the little kids on the whole block used to come to the house

to see if Bob could come out and play.

Really?

One night I woke up, and he was having some sort of seizure.

Stiff as a board and soaked in sweat.

Uh, next day at the doctor's,

he had another attack right there in the office.

They operated and found fluid on his brain from his sinuses.

He had a final seizure in the recovery room.

I was holding his hand at the time.

An orderly came, and he...

he had to pry Bobby's fingers open...

to free me.

He never woke up.

That was two days before your fifth Christmas.

They asked me to donate his eyes.

At first I said no.

He had such wonderful eyes, I couldn't bear it.

But then I approved,

and they went to a man from...

Antelope Valley.

Bob's brown eyes.

That's the first time you told me what really happened.

I know.

Why didn't you ever tell me?

You look so much like him.

Sometimes I see you, and I think you are him.

You're older now than he was then.

You should've told me.

I'm sorry.

But my whole life,

everything I've built

has been from working so hard not to think about it.

I'm sorry.

I can't stop this.

I don't think you're supposed to.

You're not supposed to.

- [pop] - Mama mia.

- Oh, thanks. - Hey, Steve. Hey, wait.

- What? - How's the play?

Oh, well, it's scary, you know.

Opening night's only a few weeks away. I got a lot of lines.

But my mother's helping me. She's holding book.

That's what we call it when someone helps you with your lines, "holding book."

- Got all the lingo down, huh? - A little bit.

Then tell me, why do they say, "Break a leg"?

Hi.

You're here late.

It's more of these 69-J's. It's a historical collection.

- Yikes. - Tedious, right?

Your mom needs them by tomorrow morning.

- Some guy from the city's coming to get 'em. - Okay.

She said to leave them on her desk and then back them up onto her computer,

but it's locked.

I'll give them to her.

Could I back them up onto Raymundo's computer?

Sure.

That's okay. I got it.

Thank you.

Hey, are you hungry?

'Cause there's this excellent Indian place in the strip mall next to the sushi place.

We could order in.

I got this bottle of wine, and it's breathing.

That's so sweet of you, but I already ate, Mr. Funk.

Please. Call me Ron.

Okay.

Ron.

Ron.

Tell me, what kind of perfume-- Is it perfume?

It's white ginger oil, actually.

It's very distinctive.

Thank you.

I can tell you where to get some for your wife.

- You get back to me with that. - Okay. See you later.

- Good night, Steve. - Yeah.

[Ron] Do you ever think about what you might be missing in life?

- Well... - Like life is flying by,

and you're just watching, wishing you can be a part of it,

and feeling... incapable of joining in?

I guess I never really thought about it like that.

I found this hair growing out of my ear,

and now it's like, "Am I getting old all of a sudden?"

There's nothing old about ear hair.

My wife, she teases me about it sometimes, you know?

I'm sure she hasn't forgotten what a great guy she has.

Oh.

Oh.

- You're all I think about. - Okay, Mr. Funk--

Do you think we have chemistry, you and me?

As friends, yes, definitely,

but I don't think that there's a romantic thing going on here.

Because I think I feel enough for the both of us.

Oh, great. It's not you, okay? It's not you, you're great.

Is it Bob? I don't understand it. He's got nothing going.

- Hi, Mr. Funk. - Hey, what's-- Bob!

I, uh...

[crunching]

[coughs]

I got this memo from Mom.

She said she wants to see me in the morning.

Probably about my old job.

- That's really super. - That's great.

[coughs]

I should go.

Yeah. Good night.

- I'm sorry if I kept you. - That's okay.

So, how are things down at the lab, Professor Chemistry?

"Dear Ron, what the fuck?"

You're like groping all over an employee like a monkey!

Oh, and "P.S., you're a married monkey."

End of letter.

I was just thinking out loud.

What does that even mean?

It was just a hope or a dream or--

I didn't think you'd be playing Secret Agent Man.

Oh, no.

- What? - Oh, no.

Oh, no.

What?

I just shredded all the 69-J's.

Yeah, well, good riddance. I hate those fucking things.

You idiot!

Don't you see how huge this is?

Ms. Thorne compiled these for Mom for tomorrow, and I just shredded them.

Don't you see?

Damn it!

Damn it!

How can you just stand there, huh?

If you know how huge this is, why are you just standing there?

Because I'm the idiot who didn't shred the forms.

Mom is gonna completely kill me, okay?

Don't be so afraid of her, Ron.

I'm past 30, Bob.

It's too late for me to stop being afraid of Mom.

I'm gonna die afraid of Mom. Aren't you afraid of Mom?

I guess I'm not.

Well, that's just stupid.

[whimpers]

Breathe.

Breathe.

[exhales]

Go home.

Bob...

Go home to your wife.

[Bob] I'll tell you what it is.

I'm a carpenter, and I wanna build something out of wood.

Which makes sense, my being a carpenter and all.

Anyway, I'm making this thing out of wood.

I have some pretty good wood to work with,

and I know how I want the thing to look when it's done.

I have basic tools: the hammer, the nails,

the yadda yadda yadda and the blah blah blah.

And I want to miter the corners of my new wooden thing,

but I don't have a "miter-er".

That was a lousy analogy.

You're on the brink of something.

Yeah, exactly.

Something. I just-- But I don't know what.

I feel...

good?

Did you ever ask that woman out?

Yeah, well, I didn't say I wasn't still a coward.

It's not cowardice.

In fact, it's kind of endearing.

Don't say that.

I might think you're starting like me.

Uh, you know what?

I'm sorry, but I'm actually gonna have to cut out of here a little early.

I'm meeting my sponsor for a drink.

Right. Okay, well...

Will you marry me? I mean I'll see you next week.

That's all it took?

See you next time.

I've said much funnier things.

Much funnier things.

As far as I'm concerned, it never happened, okay?

Tell him not to worry about it.

It's embarrassing because the truth is...

I'm the one who knocked everything off balance here.

The truth is the only thing that you never have to be ashamed of.

Ugly or not.

Everything that I stain, break or ruin,

that's embarrassing to me.

But that's who I am.

It's part of your charm.

Thank you.

But what I'm trying to say is

don't be afraid to be yourself.

It's all you've got.

I sound like one of those crappy self-help books I read in my twenties.

What? Are you past 30?

Not as far as you know.

So why don't you just tell him to leave?

So maybe you should tell him again. Hold one one second.

- Bob, I don't think he wants anyone disturbing him. - It's okay. I'm his brother.

- Hey, open up, nimrod! - [phone rings]

- Yes, Ron? - Hey, tell nimrod to open the door.

Yes, Ron.

Um, he said, um... go away.

- You're quoting him? - Verbatim.

That means "word for word."

Fancy. Okay, I'll leave, but not till after I tell you

about the time that Ron and I went to our friend Andy's house

and we were looking at Playboys,

and Ron got so worked up that--

What?

It's a charming story.

I don't think my secretary needs to know about me wetting my pants.

- You were nine years old. - I told Janet, okay?

I told her the whole thing, okay? You happy?

- About the Playboys? - About Ms. Thorne.

And you're mad at me?

I'm sorry I caught you. Should I say that?

No. But we're gonna start looking for somebody to...

you know, see.

- Like a marriage counselor? - Bob, could you keep it down?

Jesus, God, Christ! Yes!

[groans]

Now I gotta go tell Mom that I screwed the pooch.

- You did what? - Quit kidding around.

It isn't just a job to me. I happen to like it here. I'm sorry.

[sighs]

It's not your fault.

I was the closest thing you had to a male role model.

You think I'm ashamed of you?

I've never felt that way, not once.

I didn't mean what I said last night.

I was out of my mind.

What do you think Mom's gonna do?

She's probably gonna transfer me to one of the outer stores.

Worse case, the warehouse in Panorama City.

Ouch.

Hey, you wouldn't have told that story really about being at Andy's, would you?

- Yes. - No way.

Life is hard, my friend.

Good morning. I'll be with you in just a minute.

I don't have a lot of time, boys.

So, Robert, I would like to re-offer you the position of vice president of sales.

And I'm happy to have you back.

Me, too. That's freaking awesome!

Ms. Thorne tells me that she left the 69-J's with you.

Yeah, well, about that...

- I shredded them. - I shredded them.

What?

I was helping Ronnie out at the shredder last night,

and I...

- You shredded them? - Yeah.

- Bob... - But the disk--

Uh, yeah, shredded that, too.

But she backed it up on Raymundo's computer.

I had to replace the computer

because I guess I spilled some wine on it.

- You're drinking again? - No!

No! The wine was mine! Don't listen to him, Mom. I did it.

Thanks, Ronnie, but no thanks.

Did you or did you not destroy all traces of the form 69-J's?

I completely-- I vigorously did.

- Mom, It's not true. - I will give you such a smack!

Ronnie, how long at the outside to compile a new historical set?

If Ms. Thorne has the worksheets, four days, three if I hustle.

Hustle.

- I'll clean out my locker. - Mom, don't.

- Calm down. - No! I don't want to calm down!

Enough.

My offer still stands.

You're not firing me?

I'm not firing you.

You're not firing him?

My God! I'm an island in Crazy River!

No, I'm not firing him.

You mean, I actually worked for something, and I got it.

Weird.

I quit.

Say again?

I quit.

Is this a joke, Robert?

It's "Bob," okay?

I'm my father's son.

But, uh... Sunday, Mom, for dinner, right?

Ron, you tell Janet I'll actually show up.

I quit! I quit!

Hi, Bob-- Ooh.

Bob, Bob, she's at class.

Oh. Hey, Steve, I quit!

Okay. You still gonna come see my play?

Wouldn't miss it!

I'm afraid there will be a slight delay with the Form 69-J's.

Hello, Violet.

Been a long time.

Gerald Mann.

How are you?

[coughs]

Now, remember, this is a cotton mattress, not a futon.

How's that feel, huh?

I quit!

- Oh, good luck, Bob! - Go get 'em, killer!

I quit!

[Sonny] I like him better as a rummy.

[Bob] I quit!

Oh, Mr. Funk, hi.

Unbelievable. I was just thinking about you.

[laughs] Please sit.

Uh, thanks.

Huh. Oh, uh... It's Bob, by the way.

Oh, I know. My name's Sylvia.

Oh, I know. It's a lovely name.

Thank you.

My mom wanted to call me "Rose,"

but my Dad didn't want me to be called "Rose Thorne,"

so they named me Sylvia, which means "woods."

Oh.

The usual for Bob.

Anything else for you?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Anything at all?

No, I'm good.

She's nice.

Mm.

Thank you.

I come here all the time.

I know.

Your mom told me. You just quit all of a sudden,

and I didn't know if I would have a chance to say goodbye or whatever.

I was gonna call you, but I didn't want you to think I was a stalker.

- I wouldn't have thought that. - You wouldn't?

- Maybe I should call you sometime. - Maybe you should.

Maybe I'll do that.

Or maybe you could just...

take what it is that you were gonna say to me on the phone

and tell it to me in person, maybe.

Like if I were to ask you if you wanted to come see Steve's play with me.

Yeah, uh, or whatever.

Sylvia, would you like to come see Steve's play--

Yes, I would.

This is one of those dangerous wishes.

- It is not. - It is.

And do you wanna hear something weird?

I had a dream about you last night.

Really? Well, tell me.

Unless it's gross or something.

Oh, no, not at all.

Well, we lived in a campground,

which, you know, I don't know what that means.

I was walking you back to your campsite one evening,

and I wanted to hold your hand, I wanted to hold it so badly,

and you knew that I wanted to hold your hand.

And you said, "Why don't you hold my hand?"

And I said--

and I swear I said this in a dream--

I said that I was afraid that touching you

would start my fall into oblivion.

And then you reached out, you took my hand and you said,

"Let's go."

I talk too much.

No, you don't.

Yeah. I'm pushing. I'm a pusher.

I should be hanging around schoolyards, trying to get the kids hooked on the horse.

No.

That's not it.

I would like for you to hold my hand...

but they're glued to my purse.

♪ One look ♪

♪ One stare ♪

♪ You had me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ You had me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Don't change ♪

♪ The way you look at me ♪

♪ Don't change ♪

♪ The way you smile ♪

♪ Don't change the way you speak to me ♪

♪ Don't change what I feel inside ♪

♪♪ [harpsichord]

And yet would my life be a tale...

worth the telling?

Yes.

A privy, yes.

No!

You are, as you know, my brother.

And yon woman known to us both, our mother,

bid you come hither!

Sing, madrigal!

Sing!

Oh, madrigal!

[grunting]

[yelling]

There is no joy in this.

We are all but shadows.

To the feast!

Take him!

Take him now!

Finish it!

Oh!

This is the moment of my death.

[applause]

Bravo! Bravo!

[cheering]

Steve!

Ah, yeah. Thanks.

Very beautiful! Very sweet!

Have you met my mom?

That's okay. Mom, I wanna show you to somebody else.

This is Ruthie over here.

- Hi. - Hi.

You did great. Oh!

Over here is the hand, Steve.

Wow! That was a play, and you were in it!

I was--

It was kind of a first-time thing, but you know.

It's great. You were great.

- A powerhouse. - Really? You thought so?

Oh, thanks so much for coming.

Listen, I gotta tell you something.

I thought that you were gonna suck.

And, no, you were phenomenal.

You were so good. I feel so bad I even had those thoughts.

- You made me cry. - [laughs]

I can't believe everybody came!

- Steven. - Oh, my goodness!

Mmm!

How'd you learn all those lines?

I don't know. My mom helped me with most of 'em.

Steve, it was wonderful.

You were so... there.

Thank you so much.

- Congratulations. - I don't know who you are.

- Hey! How are ya? - Hi!

You were amazing. You were amazing.

You should be in the movies. I mean it.

With this hair, I don't think so.

No! You look great blond.

The other actors, they were great.

But you? You, my friend...

you are why people go to the theater.

Thanks.