Original subtitles

Let's try the goods.

Right.

Strawberry or vanilla? Vanilla.

Ha! Smashing.

You're overdoing it a bit with the dark glasses, aren't you, Tim?

You look like the Mafia strikes again.

I thought it would be better if we weren't actually seen together.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't get superior on me after all these years, mate.

Just cause you work in the advertising office and I'm only a common van driver.

You could be in trouble too for using the van for private jobs.

Don't be silly.

Look, I'm gonna take this little lot down to the coast for the weekend

and flog a couple of hundred weight of ice cream.

Well, now if I can fix you up with a nice little weekend at the same time.

Yes, thank you, Fred.

Where is she?

She's standing over there now.

Ah, Lulu.

Lulu. Your mobile love nest.

You and your Deidre will be really cosy in this, Tim.

Well, let's have a look inside.

Entrez.

Oh, stand back a bit, Tim. Stand back.

Follow me.

Here we are.

Oh, do you like it?

Well, yes, I do, Fred, but... It's all quality, you know.

You take a look round.

Oh, it's solid.

It's built like a ship.

Well, of course, you have to find your sea legs first.

I mean, she's all fitted up regardless of cost, you know, Tim.

My brother-in-law did himself proud.

I was amazed he agreed to hire it out at such a low cost.

Oh, Fred, I appreciate it.

No, no, look, don't get me wrong.

It's just that...

Well, Deidre and I, we never get a chance to be alone.

Her mother's always there.

Oh, this will be your big opportunity then, won't it?

Yeah, it certainly will, Fred.

Just the two of us.

Deidre and me.

And Lulu, of course.

The beach.

Warm summer's evening.

Deidre will sleep down there.

I suppose you'll sleep up in the car, won't you?

Well, of course. What do you think I am?

Deidre's a very nice girl.

Yeah, of course.

It's just that her mother doesn't think I'm good enough for her.

But after this weekend, it won't make any difference, Fred, because we'll be engaged.

Congratulations anyway, Tim.

Thanks, Fred.

Hope you'll be very happy.

Yeah, my brother-in-law did quite a bit of proposing in this caravan.

One way or another.

Well, we'd better tidy up, I suppose,

before we collect Deidre.

Yeah, now look, Tim, that's your crockery cupboard.

This is your dinette.

Here you are.

You've got every convenience.

Like a house, you see.

Sid used to go away nearly every weekend in this thing.

Then the kiddie came along and they got married.

Then the kiddie came along and they got married.

I hadn't.

Now, um,

five pounds for the caravan, wasn't it?

Three, four, five, there.

And the petrol money.

Yeah.

Well, that's it then, isn't it? Yeah.

We'd better get moving.

What did you say the name of the shop was again?

Madame Florence.

Madame Florence.

Mum!

Tim's here!

Good night, Miss Deidre.

Good night, Alison.

Excuse me.

It's crazy.

Oh, darling.

Thank you.

Darling.

Oh, darling.

I brought it.

Oh, Timmy.

Oh, it's mashing.

Just think of all the fun we can have.

Miss, uh, Miss Deidre.

Cube for number one.

Hello, hello, hello.

Having a facial?

Um, this is Fred Scrumpton.

Fred, Deidre.

Hello.

How do you do?

Fred's going to drive us down to the caravan site.

Yeah, young Timmy's been dying to have a go.

At, uh, caravaning, I mean.

Well,

let's go, shall we? But, Mother.

Oh, yes, we'd better say goodbye to Mother.

Oh, Timmy, I'm terribly sorry.

Deidre?

You there?

Oh, there you are, Timothy.

Is she coming, too?

I mean, is, um, is your mother

coming, too?

Oh,

and Gaylord, as well.

Oh, definitely.

Isn't that nice?

They know who likes them, you know.

He's Mummy's booger, Milly's.

Mummy's booger.

What happens now?

How do you do, Mrs.

Bell? Hell goes, excuse the glove.

Uh, my name's Fred Scrumpton.

Oh, yes.

I'm driving these two very lovely young people down to the

coast for the weekend, and I'm very happy you're coming with us.

Allow me, Mrs. Bell.

Oh, ta.

I hope Timothy gets cracking.

I don't fancy fetching up at the camping site after dark.

Main switch on again.

That Deidre's the ultimate.

Oh, ta.

Here's a real home on wheels,

Mrs. Bell.

Could do with a lick of paint.

You'll find it's very comfortable inside, a real Lulu.

Lulu? Lulu.

It's an ice cream van.

Very high class ice cream, Mrs. Bell.

Oh, this is just what the doctor ordered,

with all the neighbors looking on.

I thought you said it was a luxury weekend, Timothy.

You have a very comfortable back seat, Mrs. Bell.

Oh, I've ladded my stocking now.

Here, Tim.

Show the girls your publicity stunt.

Oh, no, Fred. No, there are far too many people about.

Oh, go on, Tim.

He's the brightest boy in our advertising department, Mrs. Bell.

They expect great things about Timmy, you know.

Oh, fancy.

Go on, then, Tim.

All right, Fred. Go on, Deidre. Give it a pull.

It doesn't go bang, does it? No, no, no.

Just pull it down.

This one? Mm-hmm.

Yummy, scrummy, yummy, yum Over the teeth and round the

gums Yum, scrummy, yummy, yum Look out, tummy, here it comes

Ah, cracking noise, that.

Sounds like Billy Cotton's alarm clock.

I've never heard such vile capifino.

Let's turn on the radio and get the weather report.

Yeah.

The A report holiday traffic congesting roads out of Lund.

At Exeter, traffic on the bypass is reported to be at a complete standstill.

Long queues of vehicles are reported at Guildford, Rygat,

Maidstone, and Chelmsford.

That's us.

Could be stuck for hours.

What are we gonna do, then?

Well, it's quite simple.

We'll dodge all that traffic.

We'll pick up the B road link towards Canterbury and then head back south.

It's a piece of cake.

Much prettier drive, too.

Take the next turn left, Fred.

I'm easy.

I wonder where we'd have been by now without your shortcut, Timofey.

Shoot.

It's a forest.

We seem to be a little lost.

Hey, what's that?

Are we there?

Well, not exactly, no.

I'm not gonna risk backing this lot up in the dark, Tim.

Thank you very much, Timofey.

It's quite an adventure, really, isn't it?

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm getting back in the caravan.

Can I borrow your Mac?

Oh.

Here.

Let's get you out of the rain before you start canoodling, do you mind?

Oh, isn't it pokey?

Come on, baylord.

Oh, Timmy.

It's so intimate.

There'll be no intimacy here tonight.

Thank you.

I'm exhausted.

Good night, Mr. Scruffy.

Good night, Timofey.

Oh, shut up, baylord.

Mummy's coming.

Well, better get changed, I suppose.

Not much room.

Tim.

I'll go first.

Oh, all right.

Here's your Mac.

That's just... Thanks.

I don't think much of your bed.

I don't mind, darling,

as long as it's out of the draught.

I don't want to go in the hatchet.

It's not quite what I planned.

Oh, look.

That's life, I suppose.

It's all right to you.

If ever there was a way for the three kings home...

Let's not be greedy.

Good night, cop.

Good night, chum.

Timmy!

Shut those doors, please! Oh, corks.

This bank's as hard as the devil's heart.

Now, where have we got to?

Oh.

Oh, that's something like.

Them fellas must have got cracking bright and early.

Our gay lord, he wants his bricks up.

He shall have it.

He'll have it.

He'll have it.

Keep it on. In just a minute.

Good morning, Mum.

Oh, there you are, darling.

Ah, Boojum, you are the frozen limit.

Why didn't you pin up your hair?

Oh, I was too tired, Mum.

I thought you'd been the front with your young man.

And what you can see in him, I'll never know.

Oh, I slept ever so well.

Mum,

where's the, uh, bathroom? I don't know.

I was gonna have a Bob down in the bushes.

It's in one of those cupboards I should have a look.

Peeping Tim, eh?

I thought you was at the wheel.

Um, no, I've just woken up.

Uh, Fred's making good time.

Must have a clear road.

Sweet violets La-da-Dee-da-Dee-dum Fred Scraton.

Yes, he must be in the...

Covered all over him.

Morning, O.

Tim boy's got his foot down this morning, eh, girls?

Eh, Tim?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

We've been kidnapped!

We've been kidnapped!

Help!

Help!

I think the engine driver don't show your ignorance.

What are we doing on a train,

might I ask?

Oh, when we pulled off last night,

we were just near a railway.

It was so wet and dark, we must have driven right onto a flat truck.

Oh, I see.

I knew there was something behind this bright idea of yours,

but I didn't think it was drives on trains.

Yeah, well, the point is, where are we? Sussex.

Doesn't look much like Folkestone to me.

Could be Sussex.

Sussex?

I've been all over Sussex, nothing like.

Remember, we've been driving all night, Tim.

Could be Lancashire, could be Devon.

Oh, lovely.

I met ever such a nice sailor boy from Plymouth once.

Thanks for telling me, made my day.

Here, what's that? It's French.

Why stick it up in England, then?

Well, perhaps it's French week.

It looks different somehow.

Bowed up.

We're in France.

But we can't be, I haven't got a licence.

I mean, passport.

France, oh, that's your game.

I suppose if I hadn't been here,

you'd have sold my booze gym to a white slave here.

Now, look here, I had more idea than you had.

We were in France.

All of you, bowed up.

Hey, we're stopping.

Are we?

I suppose I ought to get dressed, Mum.

I think I'll slip into something continental-like.

I don't feel like slipping into anything.

I'm a shave.

Shave?

Don't you understand the mess you've got me into, Tim?

What?

We are up the creek, mate, and without a paddle.

We're stuck in the middle of Europe with no papers for the car, no passports,

no foreign currency,

and the old flaming knot chattering away in shorthand.

Yes, they do talk.

And you'll have to do some talking too, mate,

if you're not there for work on Monday morning.

That's the day after tomorrow, in case you've forgotten.

If I'm not back with that flippin' band,

I might as well stay here and join the Foreign Legion.

You and the Foreign Legion.

Look, none of your filthy French tricks.

Be quiet, Gaylord.

You just take us back to Folkestone.

Como?

It's you that's common.

You take us back to Folkestone,

else I'll write to British Railways.

That has come into something.

First they take you to where you don't want to go,

then they keep putting the fares up.

You've got to come with me, madame.

I will not come with you.

You'll have to learn control, you French.

You won't catch me putting my nose outside this caravan today.

It is forbidden to travel on the freight car.

Where are your tickets?

Tickets? I'll give you tickets.

I'll set Gaylord on you.

Blessed mirror can't see a thing.

Deirdre,

Mummy wants you to put something more substantial on with this lot around.

Oh, Mum.

Yes, oh, Mum.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Chief, please.

Chief?

Oui, Charlie, tout de suite.

Right.

Now, there's only one thing we can do.

That's fill her up with petrol and belt for the coast.

Belt for the coast?

How do you know which way you're going?

We might fetch up anywhere.

What do you think, Timmy?

Well, the coast is on the left as you go up, Franz.

Oh, fine, and how do we know which way is up?

I'll use my watch as a compass.

Your what? Yes.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Well, I already thought of that,

but we still need petrol and that and some food.

Now then.

Right, three, that's 12.

They say the woman always pays.

Boy, it's no Pharisee.

That's 17. Is that all you've got?

Yes. What have you done with the rest of it, then?

I gave it to you, remember? Oh, yeah.

Well, that's 18, then.

All we've got to do is change them into French francs and off we go.

Yeah, well, I was just going to say that.

It's probably that man again.

He's after me. Don't answer it.

He's got to learn.

A couple of geezers in uniforms.

What now? We'll have to let them in.

Your tickets, please.

Deidre.

Well, you see, we haven't got any.

Isn't that silly?

No tickets, huh? 252 francs.

nouveau.

Alors, combien de voitures et quatre billets d'auveurs et de bernets? Bien.

Bien.

Your change, monsieur.

17 francs.

17 francs.

How much is 17 francs?

Oh, it's about a pound.

A pound? That's your money gone, the girl's money gone,

and only a pound left out of mine.

You're not going to let him get away with this.

Leave it. Let's get away from here before we lose the van.

Isn't it pretty?

And now, my report.

Uh, I think I'll go and couple up the van, then.

I'll go and help him.

Deidre, are you afraid? Where are you going?

Excuse me, I have to go to... Monsieur.

What? My report.

What report?

Tell you what, Deidre, you stand on the towing hook and latch it up, will you?

But, madame, surely you realized you were crossing La Manche.

What? La Mer.

What's that?

Jump on it, you silly lady.

The water.

All right.

Okay.

Now, what do you want to do that for?

I know what water is.

I say, I'm most frightfully sorry.

Why be sorry?

It's just part of the whole finasco.

What a funny lot.

Let's go before that chap gets ratted.

Ah, he won't do anything.

He looked a bit wet to me.

Give me the police.

Inspector La Rue here.

No papers!

No explanation!

Besides, I'm wrong! Uh-huh.

I'll have to go home and change.

No papers! Sit down.

What are we going to use for money?

Oh, I'm so hungry.

Well, there's two underweight are smashing ice cream behind your ducks.

It's strawberry delight.

Hello, what's this?

What's he playing at?

Get over!

Get over!

That book!

That was deliberate.

Fred, they drive on the other side over here.

Oh.

Is that all?

Have you seen my driver?

I sent for him hours ago.

No, monsieur l'inspecteur.

This man's an idiot.

All right, you may go.

No, wait, come back.

There are some imbeciles with a van and caravan making a nuisance of themselves.

Have the descriptions circulated?

Oui, monsieur l'inspecteur.

Ahem.

Oh, there you are.

I have to go to Arsécenay to see the mayor about the Tour de France arrangements.

I suppose you know the way.

Oui, monsieur l'inspecteur. Oui, oui.

Um...

No, monsieur l'inspecteur.

What's for pudding?

A raspberry whoopsie.

Ooh, lovely.

Oh, look.

Look, can't we buy some food?

Oh, you shall loathe, Tim.

We need the few francs we've got left in case you run out of juice.

Of course, this is the worst thing for me with my digestion.

My doctor's dared me to eat ice cream.

Says it might kill me.

Have some more.

What's that you say?

I was thinking that... We can't go on no more.

Driving on roads we don't know.

Here, what's this?

You lot wait here. I'll see what's to do.

Hey, what's all this about, then?

It's the race, monsieur.

It's the greatest race in the world.

It goes all over the country.

It's magnificent. It's the Tour de France.

Oh, yeah?

Tour de France, eh?

Oui.

Bonjour.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Here, those fellows are cycling all the way around France, Deirdre.

What for?

Yeah, well, never mind that.

Why don't you go up front and take a look?

Come on, it's very, very interesting.

Go right up the front.

It's very nice of them to give us all this.

It's very rich.

Don't give Gaylord any more, Fred.

I don't want him regurgitating.

Is that map any good, Tim? Certainly is.

I pinpointed our position.

We're exactly 50 miles in the right direction.

What about juice?

We're nearly dry.

Without you being dry, I'm gasping.

What I couldn't do with a nice pot of tea.

Well, there's a packet of tea in the caravan.

I'll go and get the water.

We'll boil it up on the stove, eh?

Come give us a hand, Deirdre.

You go ahead.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Yeah?

What? English? Lies.

Yeah, yeah.

Corpetrol.

Corpetrol.

Merci, monsieur.

Why don't you stay and have some grub? Comment? Grub.

Eat.

Merci, monsieur, avec plaisir.

Make yourself at home.

You don't mind, do you, Mrs.

Bell, madam? There.

I'll just go and take a look at the van.

Merci, madame.

Won't be a minute, ma'am.

All right, dear.

Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Tell Mom, huh? Milk.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Uh-oh.

Bonjour.

Voulez-vous me passer ma serviette?

Serviette?

Oh, you mean a towel.

This is a towel.

Towel.

Timmy.

Uh-oh.

Timmy.

Timmy.

Timothy.

What do you think you're doing?

Who's that girl?

Donnez-moi ma serviette.

Timothy.

Oh, you horrible man.

Dearly, darling,

it wasn't my fault.

I didn't know she was in that condition.

Dearly, all she wanted was her serviette.

That's what he did, anyway.

Well, never mind, dear.

Here's a nice ice cream.

Darling, I tell you, she only wanted her serviette.

Serviette?

A serviette is a French towel.

Hello, been having a wet.

You keep out of this, French crud.

Oh, dearly, he was supposed to get us a drink.

There was no need to push him in it.

The water was filthy.

Yes, there was a foreign body in it.

Oh, dear, dear.

So after all this, no tea.

Never mind, we didn't have any milk.

You should have told me that sooner, love.

I could have fixed you up with a ruddy bath full.

Flo.

Who's Flo?

Mrs. B.

When you get him, will you tell me what the tank's reading?

Why? Yes, all right.

Oh, this place.

Dear, I've managed a bit of petrol.

We can get moving now, boy.

But, darling, I... I've seen you in your true light, Timothy Gray.

You never did anything like this in England.

But now you're in France.

Ah!

How are we doing then, Flory?

It doesn't sign nothing.

Well, turn on the ignition.

Ignition.

Ignition.

Très bon.

Très bon.

Let's investigate.

Mrs. Bell, you have just dropped a clanger.

Well, how was I to know that girl was in the water?

I didn't even know she was a girl.

Well, at first, that is.

That shouldn't have been too difficult to tell.

Qu'est-ce que tu voula avec cette camionette?

Camionette? Oui, camionette.

Oh, of course, yes, camionette.

There, there. Suck it.

I am an inspector of police on urgent business and do not wish to waste time.

A matter concerning a serious railway offense

has been reported to me, with which you may be connected.

I wish to see the papers for the car and for yourselves.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, that, uh...

That's all back in the caravan, you see.

Ah, derriere.

Uh...

Tim, why don't you, uh,

nip back to the caravan with the inspector and get all our papers, eh?

And, uh, once you're inside the Rory,

give me the office and, uh, we'll scarper.

All right?

Tim?

Uh, this way, please.

For the papers.

Right!

After them!

Wake up!

Wait!

Stop!

Hey, wait!

Stop!

Come back!

Hey, hey!

We're away from the police now.

You don't want to wind up in the Bastille, do you? Well.

..

Three bombs.

He says he's catching up with us.

That's nice.

Come on, man! Get a move on!

Come on! Faster, faster!

Come on! Hurry up!

Flash Ariel Abasin, a minute.

Here! What are you playing at?

Follow me, leader.

It looks like private property.

Well, we had to get away from the Roses somehow.

They'd have made real trouble.

Well, what I want to know is, where are you taking us to now?

Come on! Faster! They must not escape!

Faster, faster!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

They're starting at Marseille.

Bravo!

Get back on the road!

Thank you, Monsieur Lecomte.

No, no, au contraire. It is I who should thank you.

I won't forget this.

Eh, mademoiselle?

Louise, Monsieur. I'm one of your maids.

What are you doing here, madame?

Why? Isn't this a stately home?

A bobbinov place?

It is not, madame. This is my home.

This is the Chateau de Chanclair.

I am Lecomte de Chanclair.

Hop out, Dédric.

I must insist that you and your party leave here immediately.

Come again?

I was saying,

I must insist that you and your party leave immediately for a tour of the Chateau.

My house, my vineyards, my cellars are at your disposal.

Perhaps you would care to see them.

Delighted.

Excuse my glove.

Right then.

I'll whip this gear round the back.

Less conspicuous light.

You go with the gentleman, Dédric.

You all right?

What's going on?

We're clear of the law now, boy.

Just keep calm or we'll be laughing.

I do congratulate you.

Monsieur Tim, Count...

Enchanté, monsieur.

Oh, splendid. Splendid.

And here we have the finest wine cellars in the Provence.

Perhaps you would care to inspect them.

It might amuse you.

Well, we never say no to a drop of vin.

Oh, yes.

Ah, oui.

This way.

Ah, oui, oui.

Mademoiselle.

And here you will find the finest wines in all France.

Oh, isn't it lovely and cool?

I would be honored if you would blanch me by tasting them.

I would greatly value your opinion.

I suppose you wouldn't happen to have a milk stout.

No, I'm afraid I would not.

No, still.

Now I would very much like to show you one of our greatly valued family possessions.

Well, I... Oh, go on, Deirdre.

You go and have a look round.

You'll never have another chance like this.

Neither will we, eh? Alors.

Deirdre.

Only a little while.

It was just a brief encounter.

Tête à tête.

Par ici, mademoiselle.

Pardon.

Here we are, Mrs. Bell.

Oh, ta.

Here's mud in your eye.

Same to you.

No, no, don't tell me you don't trust Deirdre.

No, it's that French cunt.

No, I don't trust.

Don't worry, Deirdre's in good hands.

That's just what I'm afraid of.

Now, snap out of it. Look, get one down you.

It's beautiful.

Now, listen, let's get this little lot sorted out and then we can push off.

Now, Mrs. Bell, you nip up top and keep an eye open for the law.

What, now?

Yes, now, dear, because that John Darmgeeser is a right trier.

Up you go.

I was just beginning to enjoy myself.

Now, Tim, you go up and get the Jerry can and the water hose and milk Genevieve.

What? But I can't take... Have you got a better idea?

Go on up there, Tim.

Look, I'll take care of that.

Here you will find many things to interest you.

Old families like ours accumulate so much...

How do you say? A lumber.

Spoils of war, mademoiselle.

Oh, I love battlefield souvenirs.

My brother collects regimental badges.

Well, perhaps battlefield is the wrong word.

Most of my family's honours were earned in the horizontal position.

And who were these?

Some of the wives, I suppose.

Wives? Well, not exactly.

Each one of these was a beauty who reigned here for a while.

My family were very fond of busts.

This way, mademoiselle.

And who's that?

Oh, that? The gamekeeper.

There's a terrible staff shortage here in the country.

We look perfect, monsieur.

This, I suppose, is your lumber room.

You might call it that.

It was built by an ancestor of mine for Madame Pompadour.

They spent many enchanted hours here together.

The crowning jewel of this delightful little room is up there.

Lie back, little one.

It is the only way to see it properly.

It is, uh, invaluable.

Very rare.

Oh, funny.

What do you look so green about?

I swallowed a mouthful of petrol.

Oh, cigarette? Thanks.

Well, hurry up about it.

This isn't going to last forever, you know.

C'est la police.

Qu'est-ce que c'est? Non, monsieur.

Are you comfortable, my little dove?

Oh, I was nearly off.

What have you been doing?

Flo, will you please get out the front and sue that is?

What about my little dove?

She'll be here in a minute. Now, go and have a butcher's, dear.

I'm going to back out just in case.

You sling the gear in the back, Tim, and see me out.

You sling it in the back. I'm going to find Deirdre.

I'm a nice chap, but I got a nasty, horrid feeling.

Monsieur, I wish to see the Count at once.

The Count is engaged.

As you wish. He may be some time.

He is busy on a matter of great urgency and importance.

Oh.

It's the police again.

Where's my Deirdre?

What ever can he be showing her that's taken all this while? I've no idea.

I've lived a very short little life.

You and your bright ideas will never get past the police.

You'll have us all arrested.

Never you mind, Flo. We'll manage.

Don't worry. Tim will find her.

Monsieur. Monsieur, please.

I have my orders.

The Count is very busy.

He can't see no one.

I really think I ought to get back.

My mum will be worried about... No, my little dove.

Oh! Oh!

Mum! But Monsieur.

..

No, he must not be disturbed.

Ah!

Cherie? Cherie? Hello.

Come on.

Monsieur Lecourt.

He burst in. It was fortunate that you... Fortunate? Fortunate?

You call yourself a Frenchman?

Oh, I'm very sorry, but this is a police matter.

Come on. After him. Catch this man.

Quick. After him.

Come on, Deirdre. That blasted inspector's after us.

Hurry up, Tim.

Quickly.

Let's take my car.

Anybody want a long, thin ice cream van? Open the door.

That's Monsieur Lecourt.

Quickly.

Open.

Open.

Smarten up, Flo. We've found somewhere to eat.

Okay. I'm game.

We'll eat first and afford it afterwards.

You leave that to Uncle Fred.

You wake up, Timmy. We're here.

Hold on there a minute.

I've got some business to do.

I've heard that before somewhere.

Very unusual postcards, Monsieur.

Very aesthetic.

Ten francs.

I mean 20.

If my word, I wish they'd hurry up.

Did you put the radio on, Mum? No fear.

I'm not touching those blooming nubs again.

Excuse me.

Surely you're...

Excusez-moi?

Aren't you English?

No. Je ne suis pas anglais.

Oh.

Au revoir.

Are you all right? Wonderful.

Where have you been, you two?

What have you been up to?

I've been doing a deal with the gaffer of this place.

He says we can put the van round in his backyard, Tim.

Sort of out of the way, like. See me in, boy.

All right.

Left hand down a bit.

Good work, Tim.

There we are.

Twenty cases.

Twenty carsies.

Vain.

Vain, yeah, of course it's Vain.

Ah, bien, merci.

All right.

Where did you get that wine? You didn't.

A little present from the Count. Bonne voyage gift, you might say.

Ah, don't be like that, Tim.

Now we can fill up the tank and eat, and then we're laughing.

All right, well, let's go and eat then.

All right, in here.

Do you know where we can get some good grub? Grub? Food.

Ah, pour manger.

No, bon bon.

Bon bon? Bon, bon.

Ah, bon bon.

Restons nocturne.

Upstairs, ask for Madame Bon Bon.

She will look after you.

Well, thank you very much indeed.

Well, let's go and eat then.

Wait for me, Booge.

I want to show you something.

What?

What are you looking at? Nothing.

Some.

..

Some views.

Let's see them then.

No, you wouldn't like these views.

What a waste of money.

Where's this food? I'm ravishing.

Worked it on you, mate.

Oh, you are so handsome.

Oh, wake up, dear dreedoo.

My tummy's playing me up all this garlic.

Mrs. Bell, your troubles are over.

Fred has managed to work it.

Yeah, I've done a deal with the governor of this cafe.

He was glad to help.

Very grateful to the British for liberating this village during the war.

Were the Germans here then? No, the Yanks.

Oh, you.

Let's go and see what Madame Bon Bon has, eh? Yeah.

Par ici, s'il vous plaît.

Ask.

Où sont les toilets?

This way, madame.

Monsieur?

Monsieur? Thank you.

Impossible, monsieur.

Don't you mind, foreigner.

I require numbers one, three, five, and six.

With chips and tea.

With chips and tea? Yeah, monsieur.

Grazie.

Now, remember what that chap said.

We'll probably get something special.

I can't understand this lot anyway.

Waiter.

Monsieur.

We'd like to see Bon Bon.

You wish to meet Bon Bon?

Yeah, that's right.

We'll order direct ourselves.

Very well, monsieur.

Follow me.

Upstairs.

First door.

Looks a bit expensive.

Yeah. Well, never mind.

If it costs too much, we won't have anything, eh?

Good evening, monsieur.

Good evening.

What can I do for you?

Well, what have you got?

But first, before you decide, the champagne.

Nicolette, the champagne.

That's service for you, Tim.

They certainly know how to look after you here.

Must be that racer riding.

Ah, yes.

Very good for business.

Merci.

Charming.

Well, that's it.

Back to Barnet.

Where are the homes?

Home? Oh, the gentlemen.

They are engaged.

And now, gentlemen, what would you like?

Mm.

Anything hot and tasty, I'm starving.

Marie.

Oh, I'm so hungry.

Wish those boys would hurry up.

You bet they're having a whale of a time.

Men, they're the most eccentrical, egocentric lot.

Ah, monsieur Lacan.

André, show monsieur Lacan to his usual table, please.

I will ask those people to move.

Oh.

Please, do not disturb the ladies.

Why did you fly away, my little dove?

I forgive you your prank with the car.

At this moment, the inspector is probably active of his writing endless report.

Oh, well, in that case,

won't you join us?

We were just thinking of eating.

That is very kind of you.

Perhaps you will permit me to order, eh? Delighted.

André, take this stuff away.

It is strictly for the tourists, eh? Je suis désolé.

Fais attention, eh?

We will start with a little aperitif.

And piquant grenadine for my little dove.

Could I have a crème de menthe? Certainement.

Un crème de menthe pour madame.

And for... Oh, no, no, no.

He doesn't drink.

Oh, bien.

Your usual pastis, sir?

Not too much ice, eh?

Where are the boys?

They've gone upstairs to see madame Bonbon.

I must go.

I must go for Fred.

Fred, we've got to go.

Come on, smell it.

Gentlemen, you are not going?

We have to, I'm afraid.

In that case, allow me to present your Bill.

How much?

Champagne, entertainment, music.

We're not paying that much.

Here.

What is this?

André, Philippe.

Take care of it, Tim.

Yes, yes, but Fred...

Madame. Monsieur.

You've done it now, haven't you?

My mate giving away all our lollies.

It wasn't my fault. I had no alternative.

What are we going to tell the girls?

I don't know what you're going to tell them.

We can't feed them now you've left the loot with that old faggot.

Supposing we'd taken them up there with us.

She'd probably charged us corkage.

Cycle race, you understand.

Oh, most enjoyable.

What do you mean by sitting with this chap, Deirdre?

You know what he's like.

Well, I'm having my dinner.

About time you showed up, Timothy.

His nibs has been feeding her the speciality.

Well, it is the perfect hors d'oeuvre.

Yeah, so when you get to the main course,

remember, it's mine.

I'm surprised you have any appetite left at all.

Timothy,

you've got lipstick on your face.

What?

I haven't, Fred.

I've got lipstick on my face.

So you have, Tim.

Tell us how you got it.

Oh, thank you very much, Fred.

Very nice of you.

I must have bumped into a chicken.

Oh.

The indigestion will do him good.

Ah, my little dove.

He does not deserve such a rare bird as you.

I'm sorry to interrupt your meal,

but this lady happens to be my fiancée.

Now, are you coming with me, Deirdre, or not? It is a pity.

Won't you stay and join us for dinner?

For me, it is always.

the legs.

For you, perhaps,

the parson's nose.

You know what you want, mate, don't you? The stuffing.

I want a word with you, Fred Scrutton.

Excuse us, won't you?

It's little day, Lord. I don't want you to blot this little copybook.

I'm not going to get my teeth into anything today, am I?

Upstairs or downstairs.

Look, Flo, I can explain everything.

Look, stop talking for once.

You've been vaccinated with a gramophone needle.

Look what I found in the little girl's room.

Flyback?

Yes.

30 minutes?

If we got there tomorrow afternoon, we could be home in half an hour.

Trueville. Should be able to make that.

Well, what about the passports?

Oh, we say we lost them. Say the dog ate them or something.

Well, we should be able to work it. Let's have a go, Flo.

Look, here's the phone number.

You call them up.

You hold the dog.

Don't squeeze him.

No, no, go on.

Would you like one, Timmy? No, thanks.

No, I'm off my food.

Oh, to yourself.

Oh, so you will consider coming to my summer lodge, eh, my little dove?

You will find it so peaceful and quiet there.

Cherries.

Hello.

Air bookings, please.

Air booking.

Oui, madame.

To Fairfield tomorrow afternoon.

How many?

A van,

a trailer,

and four passengers.

One moment, please.

Yes, madame? I say, écoute.

What time do we have to be there? At 5.

50.

Yes, I will hold it for you.

When do we have to pay for the tickets?

You must pay as you enter customs here.

You understand?

It will be 25 pounds.

Well, ta very much, mercy.

There you are.

Auntie Flo fixed it.

Good work, Flo.

Ten to six tomorrow evening and 25 pounds.

It's the truth.

What's the matter?

You got all that money you borrowed, haven't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but, uh,

well, it wasn't all that much, you see, Flo.

Um, I suppose you couldn't get Deidre to, like, uh, chat the count?

My little girl, ask a man?

You've had all the bright ideas about this.

You get us out of it now.

Come on, darling. You've had a long day.

Fred, here, settle up.

Yes, there we are, Fred.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Uh, can you read French? Oh, permit me.

It would give me deep pleasure.

Oh, come along then. Off we go.

Oh.

Here you are.

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Yes, yes.

I can understand that,

and I can't even speak French.

Yes.

Count or no count, I'm gonna stop his little luck.

Now, wait a minute, Tim. You go outside and start on him.

He'll have the roses on us, and just when we're gonna make our getaway.

Yes, but...

But your little darling's mum has got us on a plane tomorrow from Trueville.

Trueville? Yeah.

If we get on that boy, we'll be laughing.

Oh, back in England, and no Frenchmen.

Oh, how marvelous, how marvelous.

What about the fares?

Twenty-five nicker, plus petrol and grub.

Deidre!

Yes, mum?

Deidre, come on in, darling.

The grass is getting wet.

Oh, my little darling.

Steady, steady.

Steady.

Oh, mum, please.

She's back.

Yes.

Finally, we can get on that plane.

They're noisy lot here.

It's a big day in the old town.

They certainly make a drama of this race, betting on it.

Betting? Yes, they bet on anything.

First to do 20 kilometres, first through each village.

Do they now?

Do they?

And what are you doing?

You just get your head down in the pit and have a good kip.

I'm going to chat some of these lads in the village.

Don't wait up for me.

Extraordinary chap.

Of course we'll get away with it.

He's fireproof.

What happened to all the money you borrowed last night? I told you.

We gave it to this poor old Madam Bon Bon.

You see, she...

She had a lot of girls to support.

So what are you going to use for all this betting you're going on about?

The poor man's friend, Flory.

Don't bite the cuticle.

The poor man's friend.

I wouldn't deceive Gaylord.

Si's betting's a mug's game.

Mum's right, Fred.

Anyway, how can you be so sure you're going to win?

I'm sure all right, Deidre.

Oh, Tim.

Tim!

Yummy scrummies.

Yummy scrummies.

Qu'est-ce que c'est, monsieur? Ice cream.

Very nice.

I say, it's very crowded here, isn't it?

Mm. Today's our great day.

The bicycle races will stop here.

One hour.

One hour, eh? Merci, Patron.

Hey.

You're not French.

How can you tell?

It's the beret. What are you doing here, then, running a French cafe?

I was here during the war, 1945, the winter push.

I borrowed the colonel's Jeep to do a job, and here I am.

That was more than 16 years ago.

Yeah, well, I bet I overstayed my leave a bit,

but he kept on nattering about the Jeep,

and I got the needle, and, well, you know how it is.

Yeah, I know how it is.

You here for the race? Yeah.

This Flying Corsican will paralyze him.

He's a racing certainty.

Flying Corsican?

Well, I don't know.

I saw him yesterday.

I think he's definitely tiring.

I don't think he's going to make it.

You want to bet?

That says the Flying Corsican won't be the first man over the line.

Oh, dear me.

Thanks, Francois.

Right, any more for any more?

Right, that's the last one.

Hi, Ed.

Gaylord wants to powder his nose.

Yeah, it's the doormat dame.

Tell you what,

we'll put all the lovely ice cream in there and all the lovely lolly.

Oh, dear me.

In there.

And yours.

Oh, yeah, the unfinished.

Regarding what's going on outside,

you watch the race,

and I'll watch you.

The Flying Corsican has been beaten!

Beaten? Beaten.

Well, you don't mind if Mrs. Bell scarpers, do you?

A pleasure. Thanks.

Did you get at him?

Who, me?

You.

All right.

Keep it.

I hate a bad loser.

Monsieur l'Inspecteur!

Monsieur, pardon.

Monsieur l'Inspecteur,

there was a criminal here betting against the Corsican who clearly should have won.

They won't do him any good.

I got all the money here, including his.

That's good, innit?

What do you do for an encore?

Come on, after them!

You all right, Tim?

Yes. Nice work, boy.

I'll try. Good girl broke.

He's been chased like common criminals,

and all for nothing.

He has to leave the money behind in a carton.

I left a carton behind, Flo.

You got the one I slipped you across the table, didn't you?

Yes, I threw it away.

You what?

I threw it away!

What are you sounding off about a mouldy bit of ice cream for?

It would have been all slush bin now.

You threw it away?

That was the one with the money in it.

Well, how was I to know?

Oh, don't keep going on about it, Fred.

What's done is done.

You ought to get done and all.

Fred? My mum.

You're too sharp by half, my boy.

You'll cut yourself one day.

Yeah, my throat.

Oh, we're shaking off that little lot.

There. We're all right then.

Hello.

What's the matter now?

No flaming petrol.

Oh. -Oh.

Now what you want us to do,

vanish into thin air?

Find someone to ask.

Have you seen a van and caravan?

No. No, when I thought.

I've only just returned here.

I went all the way for my dinner and when I came back...

Someone has been throwing my hair all over the place.

Show me the map.

You must formulate a search.

It's upside down.

Oh, look. Stop, stop.

Give it to me. I'll do it.

Yummy, scrumby, yummy, yum.

Over the teeth and round the gums.

Yummy, scrumby, yummy, yum.

Look out, tummy, here it comes.

Always tasty, lush and good.

Yummy, scrumby, yummy, scrum.

Ask the boy on Sunday food.

Hey, where's the door?

Hey, Fred!

Fred, wait for me!

Fred, wait for me!

Fred, wait for me!

Hey, throw the cup.

Put it back.

Come back!

Blimey, they'll be onto us for miles around now.

Here, Tim, what's that sign say?

It said Tour de France.

No, not that one. The Pont-Bast-Biff.

What does that mean? Oh, I see.

Ah, yes, here it is.

No bridge.

Yummy, scrumby, yummy, yum.

Yummy, scrumby, yummy, scrum.

What about girls?

What about Lulu?

Help! The plumbing door's stuck.

Cedric!

Oh! Give us a hand.

Thanks for the old English curse.

Well, I'll be...

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Oh, no.

Right, mate, where's the money?

Swap me. The old lady had it, then she lost it,

and now we've had it.

Come on, Fred, leave it.

I'm not leaving this caravan here. It belongs to my brother-in-law.

You better do as he says, boy.

They're a hot-blooded bunch, these French lads.

I'll look after this little lot for you.

Sort of security for your debt.

Thanks very much.

Always glad to help a fellow countryman.

Get going!

Shut up, you!

Let's get those flippant signs down, Tim.

They're like a flippant advertisement.

Right.

We'll never catch that plane now.

Let's face it.

We don't need to know where we are.

You just tell me, Fred's Crutton,

how are we gonna get back if we miss that plane?

We haven't missed it yet.

Hurry up, Tim.

Hurry up.

Got it?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, Timmy, you mustn't.

Come on, Flory, move it in.

He's fainted.

Yeah, well, can you wonder all that mucking about?

Marvelous.

Well, I'm dead choked.

Here we are, Sid's Caravan,

bunging up some bridge like a cork in a bottle, a booking on a plane and no ticket,

half France on our tail, and what have we got?

The flaming Golden Glee Singers.

Great.

If anyone else speaks to me about yummy Scrummy or Philly Scrummy, I'll be yummy.

Well, there's nice language in front of little Gaylord.

Blimey, that's all we need.

Poor place.

Where are you taking your patient,

monsieur le docteur?

Oh, well, he's at a... To the airport.

We've got to get him back,

only I'm afraid we might miss the plane.

You'll be there, madame.

Good old Flo.

Who's Flo?

Where have I been?

What was it?

Are you sure they're taking us to the airport?

What about the tickets and the passports?

How do you want to get back then, Tim?

Do you want to oil up a swim for it?

Please, Inspector.

A notorious gang of international malefactors

is at large, and I think making in this direction.

Under the guise of ice cream merchants,

they have carried out widespread subversive activities... Imagine.

...and interfering with the Tour de France.

The Tour de France?

Monsieur, c'est du sérieux?

C'est pas au ral.

Notify that aircraft and hold it.

Excuse me, monsieur, but we have a request here to facilitate a medical emergency.

Top priority to England.

Un moment.

Escape me in the end.

Send me a word, cherie.

One little word.

Oh, Flo, we've made it.

I'm not confused.

It's shaky.

England, dear old England.

Trust old Freddie to get you back safe and sound, boy.

There'll be more trouble about the tickets, I suppose.

What about the customs, Flo?

Never mind, Flo, we made it, didn't we?

It was fun in France, though.

It certainly was, and all I wanted was a quiet weekend.

Hey, look.

Just a minute. Have you any cigarettes? Oh, no!

Hey, stop!

Stop that!

Stop that!