All language subtitles for [SubtitleTools.com] Identity.Thief.2013.2160p.4K.WEB.x265.10bit.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]_track3_[eng]

Hello? This is Sandy Patterson.

Yes, Mr. Patterson.

I'm Janine from the Fraud Protection Department...

of Identi-vault Credit Monitoring Service.

We're calling today because, unfortunately,

it appears that someone has attempted to steal your identity.

Are you kidding me? Gosh, I wish I were.

We did catch this in time, however.

But I do suggest you taking advantage...

of our free total protection plan,

which safeguards your credit rating against theft and fraud.

Yes, please. If it's free, absolutely.

Just terrific. I went for this plan myself.

Mr. Patterson, I'm gonna need to verify some information from you.

I'm gonna need your full name, date of birth...

and social security number, please.

Sure, understood. Here it comes.

**

**

What can I get for you? I'm gonna have a melon ball...

and, uh--

and some tequila.

And let's start a tab.

You got it.

And keep it open.

My friends can't make it.

Here I am, stuck with all these premium tequila shots, so--

That's what we're drinking. No!

My name's Sandy. Hi, Sandy.

Cheers. Cheers. Okay. Cheers.

Mmm! Let's get another round!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Another round on me!

- Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!

Who the hell is she? Who cares? She's buying free drinks.

- Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! Let's go!

Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!

When I say Sandy, you say Patterson.

- Sandy! - Patterson!

- Sandy! - Patterson!

Who wants another drink?

We do!

You do?

Enough! No more.

Ma'am, get down!

Who here wants to see me swing on that chandelier?

No, no, no. You can't be up there.

I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, you can hear me, because you're answering me.

Oh, I didn't hear that either.

- Here we go, bitches.

- Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! Ma'am, you gotta get down.

Aw, shit.

- Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!

Show's over. Show's over.

Okay? You, you're out of here.

You're done. Come on. No. You're outta here.

Go back behind the bar and start making more drinks for my friends.

These aren't your friends, okay?

They like you because you're buying them drinks.

People like you don't have friends.

Hey, shit.

I think we're really hitting it off.

Don't you?

- Sandy Patterson. - That's me.

You're under arrest for assault and public intoxication.

I don't think that's accurate.

Blow into this. Oh, my pleasure.

How'd I do?

Oh, look at that.

Happy birthday, Sandy Patterson.

Shit.

All right, cheese. There it is.

Happy Birthday, Sandy Patterson.

Happy birthday, Daddy.

Thank you. Thank you all for coming.

Make a wish. - Here we go.

Bravo! That's great. One lungful.

I made you this, Daddy. Thank you.

Look at that. Did you see that, Mommy?

I did. Looks very expensive.

Did you steal it? This looks very expensive.

Little thief. You know what happens to thieves? Huh?

Let me tell you what happens to a thief.

You go-- This is your punishment.

- Be careful. - There's the face!

There it is. That's what you get.

Do you see?

Don't steal things.

All right, let's get a knife. I want to start on this.

Come on. Not on your birthday.

After rent, utilities, gas and phone,

we saved a little this month.

Ooh, how much? Fourteen dollars and three cents.

Half of that's mine, you know.

You're welcome. Invest it wisely.

What about your bonus?

They got canceled again.

It's the financial industry. I can't exactly argue things are going well.

You're gonna get promoted. Mm-hmm.

You're going to.

It's fine. We're fine. I know.

We are pregnant though. I'm pregnant.

Look at me. We're fine.

Until braces and college and weddings and--

Maybe this one's a boy and we can-- we can send him to work.

Like in a mine.

Yeah. It's a reasonable plan.

Oh. I have one more present for you to unwrap.

Oh?

No, no, wait. Let's go-- Let's go--

Let's go to our room.

I rented a room in the back.

Patterson. Hi. Good morning.

Morning.

Did I ask you to pay for the Westfield sweep account under the holding corp?

Yeah. Shit. It was supposed to go under---

Supposed to be under the subsidiary...

so you could roll over the qualified plan?

I did it both ways. I had a feeling. I knew you would.

I'll e-mail it to you. You're the best, Patterson.

- Sandy. - Yeah?

Cornish wants you in his office.

Hey, cheese dick. - Cheese dick? Me?

I wanna talk to you. You got a minute? Yeah.

What have you been up to? Oh, just-- just got here, actually.

I got the thing. Oh, you got the thing?

Uh-huh. Well, we could go--

Okay. I'll see you then.

You process all the in-house accounts, right?

- I do. - I need you to cut some bonus checks for me.

- Bonus checks. We have not-- - Da, da, da, da, da.

Oh, that's great. We have not had them for three years.

Yes. I heard we weren't getting them again.

Yeah, it's not a company-wide bonus though. It's only on the partner level.

It's for retention. Not for us.

The checks are being cut to the people on that list who are all partners,

but the retention program is to keep the entire company healthy.

Well, this is great news. Uh, I don't understand the tone of your voice.

You're acting like it's a-- No, no, no.

It was exciting because we haven't had the bonuses for three years.

Company's doing well. I thought maybe this was the day.

Just because Harry Cornish gets a bonus...

doesn't necessarily mean that Peterson--

What's your first name, Peterson? It's Sandy Patterson.

Was that rough? The first name is, uh--

No, it's-- it's Sandy Koufax, um--

Oh, right. Yeah. My dad was a big ball fan.

Let me go cut these checks, and--

Do you watch baseball? It just sounded funny, the way you said it.

Um, I'll leave that one alone. It's your dad.

Oh, yeah, no.

Seriously, though, what is it exactly that you do?

I manage the in-house accounts, sir.

So, essentially,

you do what the program that my wife uses called Quicken does.

Well-- You put numbers in boxes.

You could train a baboon to do it.

The fact of the matter is, the economy is changing,

People like me are important. We bring the money in and pay people like you with it.

You understand? You know what?

I'm gonna get you a copy of The Fountainhead. You're gonna read it.

You're gonna understand why this is good for everybody.

Man.

Sandy Patterson.

Hello, Sandy. I'm Jeanette from Lady's Choice Salon.

I'm calling to confirm your appointment for this Friday at 3:00.

Sorry. You've got the wrong number.

Oh, is this Sandy Bigelow Patterson?

Yeah, but--

407-- Where is that? Winter Park, Florida.

Okay, you-- you've got Denver here.

How did you dial this number?

You didn't leave one when you made the appointment, so we googled you.

- I see. You've got the wrong-- - Sorry, buddy.

Can you meet me in the parking garage? Level 7-B.

- Sure. - Thanks.

Hey. He's here.

What's this? What's going on? Everything all right?

You like getting fucked?

'Cause that is what's happening upstairs.

Aren't you sick of getting fucked by Cornish?

Yeah, I-- I'm a little sore.

We don't like it either. That's why we're leaving.

We're starting our own firm.

We're taking all our clients.

Come with us. Come with you?

Sandy, you're the best at what you do.

You'd be a V.P. You'll have your own office.

What are you making right now?

I make 50.

How 'bout 250?

What?

Go! Go! Go!

Oh, boy, that's nice.

That looks good. That looks good.

I lost my wedding ring. Shh!

Fifteen years of marriage. Can you believe that?

May I see your I.D.? Mm-hmm. Yes, you can.

Sandy Bigelow Patterson.

We just got married back in St. Paul.

Yep, Howard's a surgeon, so he fixes smiles.

Yep. He's kind of the big guy, you know, for teeth.

My friends took me out for my birthday.

They made a big deal out of me turning 30.

I was like, "Thirty? What? No way."

I mean, I hit-- I hit it pretty hard in my 20s, so--

Do you like to hit it hard?

You do. I bet you do. I bet you can hit that so hard.

There we go. Okay.

Let's get them off it.

Ma'am? Ma'am?

- Wake up. What the fuck?

Uh, ma'am, your card was declined.

Oh. Yeah.

Here, use this one.

That one's done.

Great.

Hi. Good morning.

Something wrong with pump five. It's not taking my card.

Thanks.

You don't pay your bills, man. I gotta cut the card.

Cut the card-- No, no. I absolutely pay my bills.

Run it one more time. Nothing wrong with that card. That's not what it says here.

I don't care what the screen says. Maybe it's broken.

I'll go somewhere else. You're not cutting that card.

Cutting the card? That's ridiculous.

Tell you what. I'll go somewhere else. You go somewhere else?

That's my papi. He owns this store. You're not cutting the card.

Yeah, I get it. Okay. He says cut the card.

- Senor-- - You don't pay your bills--

My bills are paid. Oh, your bills are paid?

I gotta cut the card. Put the scissors down. Do not cut that card.

I'm gonna cut the card. I just cut the card.

Go pay your bills, Randy.

- It's Sandy. - Sandy?

Es un nombre de mujer. ¿Qué, es una mujer?

"Mira, mi nombre es Sandy. Yo soy Sandy".

How's my credit exceeded?

Mr. Patterson, your balance is $12,243.67.

That's absurd. That's--

I use the card for-- for gas and for coffee.

I'm showing $4,345 from Great Beyond Water Sports.

Well, I'll stop you there, 'cause I've never heard of that place.

"Great Beyond Water Sports"?

Nope. I've never been there.

And that was this morning? I-I just left the house.

Except for the-- the gas station that I went to...

where my card got chopped in half by an angry man in a glass box.

Okay? So first things first. I need a fresh card in the mail.

And, Loretta, I need you on the stick to unscrew me.

This is-- This is clearly on your end. This is not me.

Or I'll fix it. Where's the-- Where's the surf shop?

Well, sir, it's in Winter Park, Florida.

Florida? I'm in Colorado.

You know? So-- So there's--

Damn it.

Excuse me? I-- Unbelievable. I gotta call you back.

Driver-- Sorry.

pull the vehicle to the side of the road.

N.C.I.C. is 1029-F. Use caution.

Step out of the vehicle, Mr. Patterson.

Okay, coming out of the vehicle for hands-free?

That seems just a little bit excessive.

Mr. Patterson, you're under arrest.

Under arrest? Whoa, whoa-- You have the right to remain silent.

Wait a second. Anything you say can and will be used against you...

in a court of law.

The arresting officer ran your license through the N.C.I.C.

You were booked for felony assault two weeks ago in Florida.

What? No, I wasn't. What are you talking about?

I've never even been to Florida. You've never been to Florida?

No, sir. I've-- This whole morning--

Well, hang on a second. Was it Winter Park, Florida?

See, that's good. That's good. We're dropping the whole "there's been a mistake" thing.

No, no, no. I got it now. Listen, I got a phone call-- The problem is, Mr. Patterson,

is that you missed your court date three days ago in Florida.

Officer, let me just explain. And the judge has issued a warrant for your arrest.

So what we're gonna do...

is we're gonna go ahead and ship you back down to Florida.

You can work on your tan. Listen. You're not listening.

Sit down. Sorry. There's a person that has my same name...

that is doing things in Florida.

This guy is making salon appointments,

he's buying beach equipment, maxing out my credit card--

Are you Sandy Bigelow Patterson, born May 18, 1974?

That's me. Yeah. That is you, correct?

But it's not me doing this stuff.

I've never been to the state. I'm here with you guys.

I'm in Colorado. How can I be in Florida?

Call Winter Park P.D. Pull the mug shot.

- Okay, uncuff him. - Uncuff me?

God, that's great!

Can I see?

Whoa.

Yeah. Is that a woman?

If I had to guess, it's the woman that stole your identity,

obviously taking advantage of the fact that you have a female name.

Oh, it's not female. It's, uh, unisex.

When you say "stole my identity," do you mean credit card fraud?

Oh, no, no. It's a lot worse than that.

What happens is they get ahold of your name, your birthday, social security,

and then they run up debt, get arrested, commit crimes as you.

- What do you do now? You go down, you go get her? - Oh, no. No, no.

See, we don't go get anyone. Let me walk you out.

See, we're Denver P.D.

All we do is open and close the case.

Now if she buys something on Amazon,

then Seattle P.D. would investigate.

Your mobile company's in Ohio, then Cleveland P.D. handles that.

Then so on and so forth for every single theft. Well, hang on.

How long does all this take?

About six months to a year.

A year? Yeah.

Why don't you leave your contact information with this gentleman here?

You might wanna hold on to this mug shot in case you may need it.

Listen, I'm gonna need this solved a whole lot quicker than a year, Detective.

I understand that this is really frustrating for you,

but our percentage rate in solving these cases is pretty high.

Yeah? How many? About five to 10 percent.

That's garbage.

We'll be in touch with you, Sandy.

- Patterson? - Sorry. I, uh, had a hell of a morning.

Listen to this-- Can you explain this to me?

What do you got? These are e-mails I received...

from a couple of prospective clients.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You defaulted on six credit cards?

No, I didn't, actually. You did.

No. You have nine other delinquencies.

This is what my morning's been all about. Credit score's a 240.

A 240!

There are homeless people with better numbers than that. Sandy--

Dude, you have a warrant out for your arrest.

This is a financial institution.

How am I supposed to give you access to $5 billion in funds?

My identity's been stolen.

I was at the police station all morning.

Don't worry about it though. I'm gonna get on the phone. I'm gonna clean it up.

They can run my credit tomorrow, and it's gonna be fine.

I'm on this. What the fuck is this?

Those are cops! That's my guy.

That's-- This is the detective that's handling my case.

Hi. Just filling my boss in on our situation.

Did you find her? Do you have some good news?

No. No, I'm sorry. We don't have any good news.

Soon after you left we got a call from Orlando Metro.

They just busted a narcotics dealer named Paolo Gordon.

Your name and your credit cards turned up...

in connection with the investigation.

One of my colleagues spoke to your former employer,

Mr. Harold Cornish--

Yeah. and he said, in fact, that you are a drug dealer.

That's-- Well, he's a fuckin' liar.

I've got a warrant to search the premises...

for drugs.

- Oh. - And guns.

And... guns.

This is a waste of time. I understand.

It's not me. It's the woman in the picture.

Just doing my job. I need to put that out.

Okay.

Okay, guys, just--

Okay. We're done.

You can let your employees back in now.

Thank you. So no oxy?

No. No oxy.

Did you find my weapons?

I'm not an idiot, Mr. Patterson. Okay?

I know almost certainly it's the woman in Florida.

Yeah. But until we know for sure that you didn't do this,

it's an open investigation.

For narcotics.

Let me walk you out.

We're gonna have to talk about our options.

I think we gotta let you go.

I know where she is. Hey!

I know exactly where she's gonna be tomorrow afternoon.

If I tell you, you can tell the Winter Park Police Department.

They can grab her, and we're done.

No. No, it doesn't work like that.

Why not? They'd have to bring her up on local charges first.

We'd pretty much be about a year before we get a shot at her.

I mean, she'd have to be standing right here to do you any good.

That's the new standard of police work?

The criminal's gotta be standing right in front of you?

Have a good day. Hang on.

If they won't bring her here, what if I bring her here?

What if somehow I get her here and I put her right in front of you?

She gives you a full statement and owns up to everything?

Th-Then we'd be done, wouldn't we?

I wouldn't recommend that, Mr. Patterson.

You see, criminals generally just don't volunteer confessions to policemen.

All right, what about this?

What about if I ask her to talk to you?

Because she cost me my job, and I wanna get my job back,

and in return, I don't press any charges.

She doesn't have to worry about me, that there's no cops,

but there are cops.

You're down the hall. You're listening to a thing.

I'm wearing-- That's ridiculous.

No, this sort of thing tends to work pretty well.

Right? And we do have enough for an eavesdrop warrant.

No, no. Sandy, I need somebody here doing the work right now.

I'm the best at what I do. Those are your words.

I'm just looking for a little bit of time.

We don't have time. I'm supposed to put everything on hold?

We have clients! Listen, I gave up everything because I believe in you.

Just believe in me. Come on, you know me.

Come on, Daniel.

I'll give you one week. Really?

That's it. That's all I need.

Thank you.

One week, Patterson!

I'm calling to confirm my wife's appointment for tomorrow at 3:00.

Thank you. She ended up making the appointment.

I didn't realize that she's gonna be in the area and--

Uh, anyway, I need your address, because she lost it.

Okay. Got it.

Thank you. She'll see you tomorrow at 3:00. Bye-bye.

Okay. I've got cash for the plane ticket. I've got my sock money.

Did you call the cab?

Don't do this. Don't start this again.

Trish, I need you to just hang in there. No, this is not--

This is not who we are.

Y-You're not Batman. Sweetheart, do not unpack this.

Please, I can't refold all this stuff.

Do you even know how to use those? It's just in case.

Where did those come from? It is my only op--

It is ouronly option.

Let me see the picture of her again.

Make you feel better to see that?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

She's not dangerous.

That number right there is her height.

It's hobbit height.

I'm going after Bilbo.

Yeah.

I can do this. I really can. But I can't do it without your support.

Okay? Please trust me.

Thank you.

All goes well, I'll be right back here tomorrow night.

Also, I borrowed your anxiety pills,

'cause I might have to coax her onto the airplane.

Oh, good. Okay, that's fine, 'cause why would I need those right now?

I'll call you when I land, okay?

Good-bye, you guys.

Daddy, the TV's broken.

Oh. Well, you know-- Come here.

Some things are broken, but only for a few days.

That's why I have to go on this trip...

to pretty much the worst place in America.

But Daddy's gonna fix these problems.

When I get back, it's all gonna be perfect.

I promise. Okay? Come here.

It's too late for TV anyway. You guys are going to bed.

Do some drawing, and then P.J.'s.

Good-bye.

Go get this bitch. Roger.

**

Okay.

Hmm.

Okay.

My neck. Oh, man, I taste blood.

Oh, geez.

You got an injury. Oh, my neck.

My neck got it. Sorry about that.

I didn't assume you were gonna come to a full stop in the middle of a highway.

Oh, a mama badger and a baby crossing the road.

A badger, huh? Yeah.

Oh, my God. My fibromyalgia's just shooting down my spine.

Geez Louise.

No, this is totally my fault. You got your license on you?

Why don't we swap information? We can get the insurance companies involved.

Yeah, I guess that's... what it comes to.

I hate to tell you, but that's-- that's a custom paint job.

Thank you.

You know, if it's okay with you,

I'm okay, and I'm cool with just doing cash.

Yeah, cash would be a lot easier, wouldn't it,

Sandy Bigelow Patterson. Yeah.

Bigelow is such a rare name. It's a family name, you know.

It's a-- It goes back to the Mayflower.

Is that right? Yeah. Jeremiah Bigelow.

You maybe have heard of him. Pretty-Pretty prominent bear hunter.

Sounds brave. Kind of a big deal.

Here's my license with my name, right there.

Sandy Bigelow Patterson.

Gotcha.

Not my hair, you fuck!

You're not going anywhere.

Get out of the car!

Oh, keep it!

Took the limp outta the crown.

Fuckin' just had it done!

No, no, no, no! What, are you crazy?

What are you doing?

You looking for these? You're not gonna find 'em, stupid.

See ya, Sandy.

Oh, come on.

Hi. Hey, it's me.

Is this a bad time? No, great time. What's going on, honey?

We just got a call from a debt collector from Fiat Automotive.

They said we're behind on some payments.

Call from a, uh-- from a debt collector, huh?

I guess she bought herself a car.

Well, honey, that is just, um--

You sound really weird. Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

Okay.

Let's see what kind of crap you have in your bag, Sandy Patterson.

Here you go. Thanks.

Ooh. Nice.

- Ding dong. - Shit.

Put it down.

Now we're gonna have a little chat.

Okay. Okay?

And we can do it the hard way or we can do it the easy way.

I'd like to pick the easy way.

Get over here and give me your wrists.

Okay.

Now I have a plan--

Oh! Shit!

I'm a lady, you fucking animal! Give me your wrists.

- Stop fighting me! - Wanna see how I fight it?

Do you like that? Do you like that? How about that?

You like hitting girls, Sandy? Punch her in the tits, Sandy.

Stay down!

Shit.

Ow!

Ha! Stay down.

You throw like a fuckin' girl.

Now once you hear my plan, you're gonna wanna come with me.

I'm not going anywhere with you. Goddamn it.

Fuck you, Sandy. Stop right there and listen.

No. Go home to your shitty wife and your fucking dumbass kids.

Stop right there!

- Why'd you do that? - You did that.

Well, that was not the easy way.

I loved that guitar. I'm gonna sue you.

You're gonna sue me? Really, you're gonna sue me?

Enjoy the empty accounts.

I'll be taking my car keys.

And what are these?

- These are future victims? - Put my shit down.

They can thank me later.

Is that how you buy all this crap?

What do you need this for? You're sick.

This stuff is things I use for my charity that I help children with.

For the what? For my children's charity, you dick.

Oh, that makes sense. I apologize.

You're coming with me. Give me your wrist. What's your name, by the way?

- Julia. - Julia?

Diana!

Open the fucking door!

Shit! Who's that?

Just changing my clothes.

I'll be right out! Don't lie to me.

Those credit cards you sold Paolo were shit.

No, no, no. It's a misunderstanding.

It'll be so funny when I explain it to you guys.

You're coming with us now!

- Give me your car keys. - No, you're not taking the car again.

- Shit.

Go. Go, go!

What-- What the-- You little bitch.

Boy, you just make friends wherever you go, huh?

Who were those people? Don't worry about it.

- And what the hell is that? Is that a bobby pin? - Yep, sure as shit is.

- You're wasting your time. That's not coming off. - Yeah, we'll see about that.

How about you just apologize for getting me shot at?

I'm not gonna apologize, for that,

'cause you should not have broken into my home.

So... that's a little lesson for you, Sandy.

Pull over. I'm not pulling over.

We're going to an airport,

and we're taking the first flight to Denver, Diana.

Why don't you pull over before I kick your ass again.

Soon as I explain it, you're gonna come with me.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we find a bar.

We calm down a little bit, I buy you a drink. I talk, you listen.

- Does that sound fair? - That sounds fair, Sandy.

You'd behave yourself if we find a bar? Yeah, oh, totally.

Great. Yeah, I'll behave myself...

because you will have probably dosed me with a shitload of Trish Patterson's Xanax.

When did you get those? I had two hands down your pants...

and you didn't notice, so you should deal with that.

- Fuckin' dead below the waist. - You're disgusting.

- Just pull the car over. - Is that what you want?

Jesus Christ, yes!

Here you go.

You're sure? Right in the middle of the highway?

Yeah, right in the middle of the highway. Really?

All right. I'll tell you what then.

I'll just call the police and I'll tell them...

that there's a criminal out here with a known warrant just hangin' around the highway.

I got a lot of evidence they'd like to see.

You got nothing!

Hey.

I'm calling the police right now.

Good luck, pal. I'll be long gone.

It's ringing.

What are you, a fucking Kenyan?

Listen, I just need you to talk to my boss. That's it.

And I won't press charges. I'm losing my job because of you.

Your job? That's right.

I didn't fire you. Effectively, you did.

I don't think I did, and I don't wanna go...

to Colorado and meet your anxious wife.

You're right. She is anxious. She's very anxious. You wanna know why?

'Cause we have two daughters and a third on the way.

We live in a very, very small apartment...

about half the size of that house I bet you stole.

Hey, I worked hard for that house.

Enough, all right? This is a free trip, okay?

It's on me, all right? No cops.

All you need to do is talk to my boss. That's it.

Then we're done. That's all. It's very simple.

Come on. It's in Denver.

You're gonna love it. There's nobody shooting at you there.

You stay here, they're gonna find you.

Hey, hey, hey!

Come on.

This is ridiculous.

Oh!

- Shit. - You blow a tire?

Yeah, I blew a fucking tire.

Why don't you rest that in the car?

Put the air on.

I won't talk to the cops. Right, no cops. I said that.

And don't lie to me. I'm not. I'm not lying, I swear.

Yeah? You swear on your kids?

Yeah, swear on your kids.

Yes, I swear on my kids.

Shotgun.

- I'll need the keys. - Here you go.

Thank you.

Yeah? Did you get her?

Almost. Almost?

Okay. Then I almost won't kill you when I get out of here.

She's a nobody who sells credit cards she already used.

We'll get the money back.

It is beyond that, Marisol.

This nobody of yours is causing me a big problem.

She's become a liability.

One of her cards tipped off the cops.

She gotta go.

You get Julian, and you get it done.

Okay, but she's with some guy.

You kill her. You kill him. You kill anyone you need to.

Okay. Speed this shit up. We gotta go.

I don't work for you. Oh, yes, you do.

Hank.

You got it, Paolo.

So... I was wondering.

How is it that we're getting on that plane?

I already have my ticket, and I brought cash for yours.

Are we both gonna show our Sandy Bigelow Patterson,

same birthday, everything at the same time,

let the airline just have a field day with that or--

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Son of a bitch!

Well, we're driving now. We're driving then.

Okay.

Oh, I can't believe I missed that.

You've gotta feel so dumb.

Please don't.

- Think we just need a little music. - **

**

**

Dude, I can hit this.

Hello. Yeah. What do you got?

Got a runner. Pays fifty "K."

- Fifty "K"? - Uh-huh.

He got a name? Yeah. Sandy Patterson.

She skipped a few court dates. Any leads?

Yeah, she just swiped a credit card...

at a place near you called Lady's Choice.

I'm sorry, sir. We're closed. Do you know a Sandy Patterson?

Customer?

Used a credit card here earlier today around 4:00?

You her boyfriend or something? Oh, no, no.

No, I'm a skip tracer. A collector.

Like a bounty hunter.

I find people that owe money, and I bring 'em back to where they belong.

Oh. This Sandy, she owe a lot?

Yeah, well, they don't send me for a little.

No, she jumped bail, and I've been hired to bring her back.

I would like to help you out,

but I ain't supposed to share client information, so--

Of course. I understand.

This is a nice place.

Yeah.

I hear this stuff's pretty flammable.

Be a shame if your place of employment burnt to shit.

You wanna show me where that appointment book is?

There you go.

Yeah, not what I was planning,

but I will be home on Sunday, or Monday, by the latest.

It is what it is, I guess. How are the girls?

Okay. I love you too. I'll call you later.

Bye.

How long have you guys been together?

I'm not gonna talk about myself--

or my family.

You're never gonna know anything about me.

You know, there's nothing wrong with being a simple guy.

I'm just a simple gal from Wisconsin, you know.

Hmm. I'm a cheesehead.

Fascinating. I'm from Morganville.

It's a little-- little, tiny town, but charming.

- I don't care. - Mom's 70. Still working.

Dad retired about, I guess two and a--

I want to say two and a half years-- Two-- Two and a half--

Jesus Christ. Two and a half years ago.

He was a principal at a middle school. They sound so normal.

How'd they have a criminal asshole for a daughter,

just goes around wrecking people's lives?

How'd that work out?

We're kind of in the midst of a pivotal moment here, you know?

I think this is--

I think we might wanna take stock of this.

Like, we're kind of bonding.

I mean, I just wanna be up front and say that I visually enjoy you.

Mm.

And I... have always, you know, really liked tall men.

What are you talking-- I'm-- I'm average height.

Not to me, stretch.

Great.

Look at that.

See that? "Adventure."

I love that.

When are we gonna pull over? We're not.

You know, they say driving tired is more dangerous than driving drunk,

and that's a statistical fact.

I doubt it. Fine.

All I'm saying is, I drunk drive all the time and never had a problem.

I slept drove once, and I smashed right into a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combo.

I slammed that thing, split it right down the middle.

Welcome to the Colonnade.

How y'all doin'?

Good. We're famished though.

We just drove all the ways from Jimson, so--

All right, y'all take a booth.

Oh! This isnice.

It's a nice-- nice, comfy booth.

Soft.

Now, I have allotted us each eight dollars per meal,

so it looks like you can get one of the, uh--

one of the salads or a soup or--

Sorry. I'm-- I'm quick.

Uh, the tomato soup for me, please. That'll do it.

I'm gonna take a full slab of the baby backs,

and I'm gonna take that with mashed taters, hush puppies,

and I'm gonna get a, uh-- I'm gonna have a sweet tea.

The fuck you are.

I don't know what that means.

I asked you to eat less food.

What is wrong with you? This is a beautiful woman.

You let her eat.

No, he's right.

No, I've put on a little bit of weight because of all the stress.

Walter was a fireman.

Yeah, that's okay. It's okay.

- He was in a pretty-- pretty intense-- - She doesn't care.

accident last year, and he--

and he injured his male parts.

- Oh. - They're just shredded down there.

And now he can't work.

He wants to fight fires and... he wants to pee standing up.

Don't you wanna pee standing up? I know you do.

But he can't.

Just bring two soups.

He can't lay with me... like a husband should,

'count of the injury.

And I don't even need him to, but he gets mad at me...

and takes his anger out on me.

And then I feel bad about myself, and I feel ugly, and then I eat.

Lord knows I know I eat. I know I do. No, no, no.

You just wait right here, sweetheart.

- Okay? Okay.

I'm gonna wait right here. God.

You're breaking the rules. You understand that? You're breaking the rules.

Society can't function without rules.

Oh. Okay, you follow the rules, right?

- I sure do. - Oh, yeah, how's that working out for you?

Yeah. Hold on just a minute.

This is from the buffet, and it is on the house.

That's so sweet.

Enjoy your soup.

And if you have to pee, the ladies' room is right back there.

- God bless you. - It's all right.

God bless you. Okay. Okay.

You know what a sociopath is?

Do they like ribs?

Hey, how you doing?

Uh, I need one room, two beds, please.

- Oh, sorry. We only have single beds left tonight. - Are you kidding me?

Nope. We don't really mind.

I mean, it's an inconvenience, but, you know,

my husband can't really digest stuff anyway--

'cause of his intestinal surgery,

so just comp us the mini-bar.

He can digest Pringles. Right. That's right.

I'm Walt. This is the wife, Myra.

She's a functional idiot. Wears diapers like a chimp.

I'm running her down to Disneyland.

She loves the noise and the sugar.

He's just tired from the drive.

We have to figure out the mattress thing...

because even though I can't have sex with her...

due to my cock and balls getting shot off...

in an apparent warehouse fire--

- Oh, shit. - I wouldn't share a bed with her anyway.

I'd much rather sleep on the floor. Do you wanna know why?

- 'Cause you got no dick? - Close.

It's because she repulses me.

She's the worst person I've ever met.

Screw you. You got a bar?

Yeah, the Foxhole. It's across the lot. Thank you.

You're not going to the Foxhole.

Hey-- Hey, I don't need to go to Denver.

You need me to go to Denver.

Yeah. No splitting up!

- Do you still want the room? - Yeah, I do.

Real quick. Fuckin' chimp on the loose.

It's not my business. You know, I'm really sorry about your dick.

But you gotta treat your lady better, or somebody else is gonna.

Appreciate it. We on the set of your talk show right now?

Do you know what? Being nice is a choice.

So why don't you get the fucking key?

Uh, oh, are you in a hurry?

Oh, no.

I have to go get this magnetized,

'cause it wasn't magnetized properly.

This might take a while.

**

Can I have a double melon ball?

Thanks.

Is that a melon ball?

Yep.

Do you like milk shakes?

I'm just trying to have a drink.

Sorry. That probably sounded like a dumb pickup line.

I apologize.

I don't like milk shakes. I love 'em.

Well, you're gonna flip out over these.

Stu, mix us up two grasshoppers.

Oh.

I'm Big Chuck. Yes, you are.

I'm Margie.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance. You too.

I love a man that wears jewelry.

Thank you very much.

I like my turquoise like I like my women,

American and top-grade. Oh.

Hundred percent.

Hundred percent.

- To you.

Mmm.

Mmm!

Release it. Let it burn.

Mmm!

Mmm! Mm-mmm-mmm. Down it goes.

Oh, hey.

Hey. You're here five minutes, you already made a friend, huh?

This must be Walter. Hello.

- Walter! - Howdy, Walt. I'm Big Chuck.

Hi there. I gotta tell ya,

this little Margie is quite a lady.

- Oh, Margie. Sit your ass down.

No, no. I can't. Drinks are on me.

Stu's gonna set you up. Stu!

Let's get Walt a round. His dick's broken.

It's much. much too late. Never mind, Stu. I gotta--

Honey? Gotta get you outta here.

Here's the thing:

I don't wanna go.

But it's super late.

Gotta get all the way to St. Louis tomorrow, so--

I think we got a good one.

What is that?

I think we got a good one.

Listen, I'm gonna tell you what's going on.

Walt... likes to watch.

Walt's a watcher.

Oh. No.

He likes to watch me with other men.

He does? Yeah.

That's how he gets aroused. You got a little bone-bone now, huh?

I'd really like to go though.

Here we go. It's time to go. He said so.

Yeah. And I'm gonna go out on the dance floor,

and we're gonna dance real slow-- No, no, no, no, no.

and we're gonna dance real close-- Look at the time.

and you can stay and watch.

Or you can go. That's your choice.

I can't go. You know I can't go.

Thanks for your help, pal.

Well, well. We got us a watcher.

Oh! We got a watcher!

** Honey, look.

Whoo! Whoa!

Thanks for the walk home.

We made it, but as you can see, I am getting ready for bed.

Please say your good nights. No, no. Meaning, leave please.

Mmm.

Don't shut the door. Leave it--

All right. Ooh. Now what do I do?

Oh, now-- this is his favorite part. Please, no more.

Okay. He likes to be humiliated verbally.

- No, I don't. - You little sissy boy.

- It's enough of this. - Sissy boy, huh?

- You hard now? - I'm inverted.

- Now it's time to give him the Big Chuck show. - Big Chuck.

Boo! Boo, boo! Boo!

Whoo-whoo! No need for a show.

Put it back on.

Whoo!

Mm-mmm.

I've had enough show.

Pow!

Shake it, shake it, shake it!

Oh.

Look at him peeking over here.

I can't let her out of my sight.

He's not going anywhere. You are right in his sweet spot.

Now what do I do? You know that?

I want you to take him physically.

Let's not cross a line.

- Hey, Chas. - Relax, Walt.

Friend-- Big Chuck likes to share.

I don't want anything you've got.

Why don't you and me... share?

Okay. Goddamn it. I'm sleeping in the bathroom.

Here it comes.

There it was, right there. Uh-oh.

Looks like it's just me and you now.

Oh! Mmm-mmm-mmm.

It sure is. I'm gonna make tonight so special.

Backing up-- Oh! Oh!

You know what?

I'm gonna--

I'm gonna-- mmm, mmm-- swim in there.

I'm gonna make you one of my special famous cocktails.

Well, I hope that cocktail has a punch.

Oh, you know what? You're gonna love it.

- I'm gonna love it 'cause you made it.

It's gonna be so good.

Chickie, chickie, chick.

I don't know if I can do this.

Yeah, that's okay.

I wasn't really-- I wasn't really in the mood for it anyway.

- Oh, no. No, I'm-- I'm sorry. - It's not a big deal.

It's just that I ain't been with another woman since my wife passed.

And, um, I'm sorry,

because here you are, and you're so beautiful.

Mm. And you're so colorful.

You look like Dorothy from the Oz.

The flowers and the--

And I do, I appreciate y'all...

inviting me up here to your s-super fuckin' weird sexual tryst,

but...

I'm scared.

Oh, Big Chuck.

I do like you.

I really do.

Margie.

Yes?

I do wanna make love to you.

Oh, my God. Take me.

Oh, God!

Call me Big Papa Huge Time. Big Papa Huge Time!

Call-- Call me Big Papa Huge Time.

- Big Papa Huge Time!

- Shut up!

Oh, God!

- Feel the thunder, baby! - Get on top!

Fuck me! Fuck me!

Break my hip! Oh, I'll break it.

Break my fuckin' hip!

Rub it-- Rub it clockwise! Clockwise! Clockwise!

- What do you say? - I say mama, stick 'em both in. Pull 'em taut.

- How many is that? What the hell is that?

- Come on! - Stop! Foxhole! Foxhole!

The safe word's foxhole, goddamn it!

Here it comes! Oh, God!

Mmm. Big Chuck will be ready for round two in just a minute.

- I'll tell you, Walt's a lucky guy.

You are such a good person.

Diana?

Diana!

Hello? Daddy?

Daddy.

Hello?

Are you there--

Fuck.

I was just checking our ice.

Morning.

I just have flashes of, like, a--

Hearing an elephant and-- Oh, God.

I'm just real sore.

I'll bet you're just torn to shit. Get in the car.

I think he really ripped it. You might have to look.

I'm gonna return the card key to the front desk. I'm gonna be watching you.

If you take a step out of the car, I'm gonna kill you. I'm serious. Get in the car.

I gotta have the keys. I gotta put the air on.

It's never gonna happen. Swing a leg.

Can you get me some Strawberry Quik?

- 'Cause I got to balance my electrolytes. - If they've got it.

Strawberry Quik.

Hey, good morning. I'm checking out of 192.

Did you enjoy your stay, sir? No.

That's good.

Do you sell Strawberry Quik? Yes.

You want some? Not today.

Ooh.

This coffee over here free?

Yeah. Super.

Creamer used to be 50 cents, but everyone was stealing it anyway.

Okay.

Ow! No! The interstate's just south of here, right?

Is there a, uh, gas sta-- You fucking jackass!

No! No! God-- Ow!

Shit!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey. Hey there.

Got her.

- See you in an hour? - Yeah. Why don't you bring her to the Atlanta office?

- It's right off 75. - Excuse me, sir. Did you take my friend?

I gotta go. No.

Come on. I saw you take her.

Well, then don't ask me, shithead.

- Sandy, get me out of this fucking van. - I got it. I got-- Hey!

Can you pull over, pal? I need her.

Hey, your girlfriend's in a lot of trouble.

- She's not my girlfriend. - Watch out.

Hey! You get back there!

Hey, buddy. That's not Sandy Patterson.

Yes, it is. No, you got the wrong guy. It's me. I'm Sandy Patterson.

No, Sandy's a girl's name.

It's not. It's unisex.

- What, like a hermaphrodite? Sandy!

Fuck you, tranny! Get me out of this van!

- Hey, hey, hey!

Shit!

Whoo!

Hey. Hey! I got her first!

- Pull over! - You can't have her!

Shit!

Shit!

Motherfucker.

- Listen, goddamn it! - Ram him.

- Do what? - Ram the quarter panel.

I don't have collision on this.

- I don't give a shit. Ram him! - I'm not doing it.

You son of a bitch!

Ow! Ow!

Get in the back! No! Get off of me, you asshole!

- Shit. - Did you punch him in the neck?

I can't get him off the wheel.

- Pull over to the side! - I can't! I can't get him off the wheel! Ram him!

- I'm not comfortable with it! - I don't give a shit! Ram that panel!

Shit.

Hit him harder, you fucking vagina!

I'm gonna be sick.

- You okay?

Are you all right? You're bleeding.

You okay? Oh, shit.

That was so violent. Tell me you're all right. I am all right, yeah.

Okay. All right, okay. Oh, God.

Okay. All right. This guy does not look great.

Hey.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Maybe he's just--

That doesn't look good. Oh, I can't believe I did that.

God, you did it. You did it. God, you did it too hard.

I tried a small one on the first one.

And you said-- What did you call me?

I called you names. Okay.

Your rental car doesn't even have a scratch on it.

Oh, my God. Yeah. No, that's great news.

Car's fine. What's more important--

God. My glasses were in there.

Well, you've come to the right man.

Anybody looking to buy or sell anything around here, they come through me.

All right. How much is this one?

That one's 350,000. 350?

I can get this for a hundred thousand easy at a short sale.

Well, I'm impressed. Clearly, you both have done your research.

So I'm also sure that you know that this is a traditional community.

What this means, "traditional"?

It means no homosexuals.

Means no, uh, foreigners.

Means no blacks.

We are two of those things.

Hey, you two of these things.

I mean, around these parts, you basically black.

And a foreigner. I'm just black.

Now, understand. Me, myself, I am not a judgmental man.

But you should know that the buyers and the sellers here,

their values are more--

- Traditional. - Bingo, sister.

Traditional, like meeting whores at hotel bars?

- Who are you? - Your whore, she's in a rental car.

We called up our friends in the company. They look up the "LoYack."

The what?

LoJack. Foreigners can't say J's.

And they say it's at a hotel.

The people at the hotel gave us a story...

about you and another man and her, all sexing together in a pile.

It's disgusting.

But to answer your question, the LoYack is an excellent product.

- It makes our work much easy. - What kind of work?

- This our work. - Oh.

Very traditional. Know what I'm sayin', Chuck?

Now, who is she with, and where is she going?

I mean, it's not a true allergy,

but there's-- there's definitely a sensitivity there.

I need that other roll of tape.

What are you doing? Is he still-- Tape?

I need the other roll of tape.

You're taping him? It was just here. Oh, Jesus. It's here.

Yes, I'm taping him.

No, no. Oh, no, no, no.

Goddamn it!

I told you it was gonna overheat.

I said you better coast down the hill.

Well, how am I supposed to propel down the fucking highway in neutral?

I said I could show you.

I'm gonna give you a juice.

It's fruit punch.

Yeah, that's nice and juicy.

These are nice, I'll tell you that.

God, you keep yourself up.

Let's just--

Oh, God. Your beard smells like sandwiches.

That's nice.

Okay, listen. The--

Say good-bye to your art project. The bus station's down the road.

We can walk it. Let's go. Coming.

Wherever you are,

you better believe I'm gonna find you or die trying.

All right. I get it.

Scary, survival, end-of-days guy.

You should be nicer. I gave you juice.

No, it was a van that crashed,

and a couple of people got in, drove away.

Kind of an average fella. Short gal, somewhat wide.

Uh, took off north on 520 right there.

Yeah, I'm fine. We're still on course, honey.

I don't know. Where Yoda lives.

"These are not the droids you're looking for."

Remember-- Tell her that.

I know it. Honey, you're breaking up a little bit.

Honey? Hello?

Shit.

How's everything going at home?

I don't know. We didn't get that far.

'Cause I'm out here.

I guess I should, uh, thank you for saving me back there.

You're a good friend.

I'm not your friend. I am not your friend. We're not hanging out.

I heard you yell to that guy, "Did you take my friend?"

Yeah, that's a saying. You haven't heard that saying before?

- No. - Besides, friends don't steal friends' identities, do they?

- You're diabolical. - Well, thanks.

That's not a compliment. I know.

Here we go. Here we go.

- Aw, come on! - You're doing great.

You are gonna have to hide on the next one. It's clearly you.

Oh, it's me.

I have never been passed up when I got this thing out.

I don't doubt that you do real well on the side of the road.

But, look, I don't know why you're not trusting this. Stop for one second.

It is only two miles straight through there.

Two miles through the woods?

Yeah. What are you, allergic to woods or something?

Come on, you wanna go 10 more miles on this road, get some blisters?

Come on. That's a shortcut.

Yes?

There's a yes. Finally.

God, I knew you were probably wrong.

I knew your phone was gonna die. I should've said something.

You knew? What are you-- You're like a psychic, huh?

Yeah, well, you know what? I am.

I'm not gonna get into it, but I am.

Really? On top of everything else, you're a psychic.

That's amazing.

Pick a number between one and 10.

- Four. - Four.

I know. It was a gift.

Your gifts abound. That's amazing. Well, I think so too.

Then why don't you just rest your talents, Megamind?

The sun's gonna be up in a few hours, and we'll take it the rest of the way.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, spread out.

You've got the whole forest. What are you doing? It's cold.

It's what they do on Survivor.

What, when they want to get punched? Get off of me.

Do you usually listen to music before you go to bed?

No, just a lot of silence.

Oh, my God.

- Hey. Hey. Hey.

Like a four-year-old.

You know, this light is very flattering on your chin.

Oh, my God. Diana, I'm serious.

- Please, get your hands off-- I don't wanna play footsies. - I'm not doing anything.

Snake! Snake! Snake! Oh, sh--

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Get away from me!

Damn it!

It came out! Throw him! Throw him!

Oh, God, it was so close to me.

Thanks for the help. - You're welcome.

This is no longer our sleeping spot. There's probably a fucking ton of 'em.

They're not pack animals, Sandy.

I know they're not pack animals, okay?

- But have you ever heard of a snake nest? - Oh, shit.

Just the mere thought of that is going to keep me up for-- Oh, God.

- Uh, don't move. - Not a problem. I'm not moving.

Shit, it's huge!

No shit. Get him off. Please do something.

Okay. Okay, I got it. I got it.

What's the plan with the fire? Get away from me with that thing.

I saw it on a television show. Snakes hate fire.

Unless that was about spiders, but-- I don't know.

You're gonna burn me and you're gonna piss him off. Get away from me.

Be quiet and stay still.

Get away from me with that thing. Oh, God!

That's not helping.

It just keeps looking at me.

Oh, he's tightening.

Okay, turn your face away.

Okay.

It's almost over.

Okay.

Trouble. It's got the neck.

- Oh, God! Don't let it come near me! - That hurts!

That hurts!

Oh, God!

Okay, okay.

Go slow, fella. Just go slow.

Easy.

Where are we? What is this? Bus station.

Middle of nowhere.

Whose pants are these?

I got them out of the lost and found.

It's a good fit, huh?

Yeah. Okay.

Better get on a bus.

We're not getting on any bus for three days, not to Denver.

What?

There's not a bus from here to Denver for three days.

Hey. When's the next bus to Denver?

Wednesday.

Fuck!

That's too late.

Phone's gone. Wallet's gone. 'Cause the pants are gone.

We're done. I'm done.

I lose, you win.

You're a great thief.

I got nothing left.

I got no money. I got no time.

I got no job. I got no chance.

I've got these weird pants on out in the middle of nowhere.

How did we get here anyway?

I just c-- I carried you.

- You what? - I carried you.

It's not a big deal.

You were unconscious.

We were, like, a half mile from the main road. Jesus Christ.

So I just-- I scooped you up and flagged down a truck, and he gave us a ride here.

Dropped us off.

You carried me a half mile. That's, uh--

Probably not even that far.

You get these shoes at the same place you got the pants?

No. Yeah.

The clerk said an E.M.T. took them off a dead hobo, so--

Come on.

He's not gonna need 'em back, so-- A guy died in these?

'Cause you needed shoes. What's the matter with you?

My socks though.

They're your socks. They're not dead guy socks. I got money in here.

I got money. I got sock money.

We don't have-- The hell! Hey!

Why are we living like animals if you've got money in your socks?

I got $300, and I need to be to Denver by Tuesday.

Well, you can get a pretty cheap car over there at Andrew's.

Tell him Carl sent you. He's a good man, Andrew.

He was with my sister for a bit. Oh, yeah?

You got a beautiful yard here, Andrew.

Here's 200 of the finest.

Give me the keys. Thank you.

Ooh, and it's got satellite.

I'm glad we're not buying that one.

Jesus.

Morning.

Morning.

I'm supposed to be meeting some friends here.

Was there a man and a lady come through here?

Both answer to the name of Sandy?

Well, we get tons of people through here.

I've had a shitty day,

and you got a face that looks like a dog's asshole.

Were they here or not?

They came through earlier. I sent 'em to get a car.

Where? To Andrew's Auto Salvage.

Write it down!

I wasn't here.

Thank you.

Consider that a warning. We need her more than you do.

Better luck next time, old man.

Fuck you.

- Shh.

**

That's what I always thought, but then I thought, "You know what?

"I'm gonna wallpaper the garage."

And I found-- First I thought, "Well, is that gonna be crazy?" **

But it's not really that crazy, 'cause I found something kind of thematically on point.

You wouldn't rather just listen to this? That's a good song.

Oh, it isa good song. I like that. It's got tires on it.

It's wallpaper with tires, which I thought was--

Ow!

You okay? Ooh! Yeah, I'm okay.

I think it would be so cute. It's red and black--

Ow! Goddamn it.

It was one of those badgers. Oh.

How great is the ride on this Caprice, huh?

You know this is the last tank, right?

This is not gonna get us to Denver.

Well, you know, I can help us out.

How? Did you find some sock money?

No, I didn't find sock money.

But I've got my credit card burner. No.

I can get a card, fill this tank up in 15 minutes. Diana, I told you...

this trip will not turn me into you.

I am not saying that we have to go out and steal from orphans and baby puppies.

No one deserves to get stolen from.

I don't know why you don't get that. Just drop it.

I get it. I just find it bizarre that you don't have any kind of shit list.

I find it pretty hard to believe that you can't come up with one person...

that deserves the wrath of Sandy Patterson.

My old boss, Harold Cornish, is a partner here...

at this major financial institution.

They've got a branch here in St. Louis. Here is the plan.

We're gonna go inside. We're gonna get his financial information...

for your little credit card toy.

Social Security numbers, bank account numbers, routing numbers--

it's all stored on hard copies in there, in the Record Room.

We just need a little code to get in there.

But we can't get in there with you looking like that.

That's a great point. There is a way around that.

Oh! Ohh!

Are you okay? Oh! Oh, God!

My fibromyalgia!

Oh, God, my leg is cramping up!

What can I do? Oh, God. Rub it.

Rub it? Rub it? Rub it. It's cramping.

Oh, softer, softer, softer. Ohh!

Up? Higher. Higher.

Higher. Higher. Higher.

A little higher. Oh, God, it's in my glutes.

Get in there. How is this helping you?

Oh, God!

Oh, get in-- All right, get off me. Get off me.

I thought it was gonna be a couple of offices.

No. Come on.

- Who's-- Who's this guy? - That's Accounts Processing.

That's the me of this branch. Come on.

Oh, that shouldn't be any problem.

No offense, but just keep your mouth shut. Yeah.

This will be over in a minute.

Hi.

Good morning.

Tina... van Westen... Garden.

How are you?

I'm fine. Can I help you?

I'm here with my boss, Harold Cornish.

We're in from Denver.

Oh. I'm familiar with the name.

I'm sure you are.

We're gonna need to get into your Accounts Room.

Do you have an authorization letter?

I'm gonna be real honest with you. I fucked up.

I just kind of completely blanked on that authorization letter.

He-- He basically runs me 24/7.

He's-- Cornish is-- He's a handful.

I mean, honestly, he's-- he's an asshole.

Just a second.

How are we doing over there? We doing good?

You calling Security? You better not be calling Security.

- Hang up the phone right now. - I wasn't calling Security.

Yes, you were. Hang it up. Right now.

I'm sorry, but you're not allowed back there without authorization.

I'm not al-- You're not allowed back there without authorization.

I can do whatever the hell I want.

I don't have to tell you that we suspect...

that there are some people at this branch that are doing some very, very bad things.

And I don't have to tell you that I've been sent here to look very quietly at some records.

Mr. Cornish, I don't mean any offense, but we have rules.

I know you have rules.

Like never backdate a 5590...

or don't stamp a 33B transfer without telling a client first.

I bet you do that one twice a month, don't you?

Tanya, can you give us a minute, please?

It's... Tina, but-- See what I mean?

What did I say? Yep, nothing. You said that.

I have you at a disadvantage.

You don't know me, but I know you, Ken.

I know that you make $49,395 a year.

I know that you work very hard for that wife and child right there.

I know that you're real good at your job, that you take care of this company,

and you do things that they'll never know about,

that they'll never appreciate, so you're very proud.

Right? But you're scared.

You're scared because you're dispensable.

You're scared because you know...

that more than likely, one day,

you're gonna be replaced by somebody younger, somebody cheaper,

maybe even by an app.

Here's what we can do though.

You can help me today, and someday I might be able to help you.

9488.

Got it.

Okay, let me see it.

This is it. Right there.

We got it. All right. That's what I need.

Shit.

Got it.

Got it. Wow.

Okay, great. Good job.

Let's put this baby to use, get some gasoline and hit the road again.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hit the road? No, no.

I am exhausted. I need to sleep for at least a couple of hours.

I need something to eat that doesn't come out of a bag,

and I need to put at least some of my parts into a shower.

I bet you're a real mess. Um, do we get you a Motel 6 or something?

Motel 6? No, no, no. No.

Mr. Cornish, we go wherever we want.

Come on. Let's go.

I need a room, please. - How about a suite?

Thank you, Mr. Cornish.

Yes. Hello.

- -

Oh!

Oh, my--

God, they're real. They're real. Yeah?

Mmm-mmm.

Get there. Get there. Get there.

I miss you. I miss you too, sweetheart.

We're just gonna rest for a little bit...

and then one last haul to get home.

Thank God.

- Have you talked to Daniel? - Yeah, spoke to Daniel.

Everything's gonna be fine.

This place has a shopping arcade.

- You wanna-- - Okay. Reservation's at 8:00.

And no jewelry.

I'll get cash for tips.

Was that her? Yeah, that's her.

Okay, drive safely, will you? Okay.

I'll see you soon.

Oh, that's a nice match.

Yeah, that is a nice match.

Oh, that's nice.

No, dear. More is not more.

Oh, that's better. Okay.

She's--

Um, maybe you could, uh, help me.

Oh, honey. We'll take care of you.

I've done a lot of the groundwork for you.

Really? It's really more of a touch-up.

Okay.

Diana.

What?

You look beautiful.

Oh, it's just all--

It's all tricks and stuff.

Not tricks. That's you.

I said no jewelry.

Oh, God, were you serious? Yeah.

Oh, God. You've gotta work on your tone.

It was my tone? It's vague.

Well, it's not just the top. It's the Lucite too. This is great.

Uh, I'd like to make a toast. To you.

Oh. I thought I was the enemy.

You are. Hmm.

But I gotta admit, you taught me something.

Well, you taught me a few things.

You taught me about getting what you want,

and you taught me about confidence.

Uh, maybe a little bit too much about confidence.

Did you see me with that poor Ken Talbott today?

Yeah, you were pretty hard on him. I know.

But people have been hard on me my whole life,

and I just don't wanna feel like a chump anymore, and you showed me that.

Did I? Yeah.

You also completely messed up my life,

but I guess it needed a little messing up,

needed a little more Diana in it.

Well-- Or whatever your real name is.

That ismy real name. It's not.

Come on, can I-- It is.

We're friends now. That's my name. I don't know what to tell you.

Will you tell me your real name? Finally, please?

What does it matter? Exactly. What does it matter?

Fine. It's Marla. Why are you lying to me?

Just tell me your name. I don't wanna tell you.

Don't get pissed off. I'm not getting pissed off. Just drop it.

This is weird. Why won't you tell me your name?

It can't be worse than Sandy. 'Cause I don't know it.

Come on. I don't know it.

You don't know it. I don't know it.

Really? What about your family?

What about-- What about Morganville, Wisconsin?

Are you telling me that was all bullshit? No.

There's a great little town.

It's Morganville. It's in Wisconsin.

And there's a really, really nice little police station in the center of town...

where people that don't want their babies can leave them.

So what name is it that you want?

'Cause I had six of them by the time I was through foster care.

That's, uh--

That's a tough life road to go--

I mean, no one you could have-- helped you out, maybe, early on,

and put you down a different path?

No.

No. There's been no one, ever,

to put me down a different path,

to do anything for me.

There's never been anybody. It's just been me.

So-- I don't give a shit about people,

and people don't give a shit about me, and that's just how it is.

I give a shit about you. You don't give a shit about me.

You just want me to clean up my mess.

You don't give a shit about me, and I know it.

I have been on my own all my life.

Nobody even knows I'm here.

Nobody ever knows where I am, 'cause there is nobody.

I got sick, I took care of myself.

I needed shit for school, I got it.

You're so stupid.

Do you think your fucking fancy suit...

and acting like an asshole is gonna make your daughters happy?

You think that's what they want? They want some big man treating people like shit?

I would have done anything to have somebody like you,

just to actually be there and care about me.

Just fucking be there.

You're such an asshole, you're trying to be more like me.

Nice choice, Sandy.

Nice. I'm never gonna be able to duplicate this makeup.

Here. I don't want it. I don't want it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I gave you some lame Dumpster baby story.

You didn't. I was just lying.

That's what I do. I lie.

Mr. Cornish.

You are a fraud, a thief and an asshole. Whoever you are.

You're both under arrest for credit fraud.

Stand up. Hands where I can see 'em.

He didn't do anything. He's just trying to get me back. Save it.

Put your hands in front of you.

Okay. Come on. Let's go.

How exciting.

That's-- That's them.

See you around.

- Yeah? - She got arrested. What the hell do we do?

Follow her to the station.

You bail her out and you kill her.

God... damn it!

Burns, don't it? You!

What'd you do that for?

You shot me first.

I didn't shoot you. This bitch shot you.

Good point.

¡Hijo de la chingada, coño!

You know what? You crazy!

Yep. Diagnosis and everything.

Let's go for a ride.

Hey, man, this some bullshit.

If you wanna kill me, you can just kill me right now.

- Gotta get in this motherfucking trunk.

I'm gonna get in this motherfucking trunk for now.

- How did you find us? - Same way you found them.

Car had satellite radio. Tracked the G.P.S.

What if we work together? We split the cash.

This ain't about the money anymore.

They wrecked my van. This is personal.

Hold up--

Around, please.

Hey, you guys have got a pretty sweet ride here.

What is this, an '08 or '09 Crown Vic?

'08. Ah! '08.

All right. I thought so.

What is this, like 250 ponies under the hood?

You can feel that, right?

I need you to close your eyes. What?

And slide right.

- What the fuck?

Hey! Hey, pull over. Pull over.

Jesus Christ!

Are you out of your mind? This is a terrible idea.

Hey, I'm stuck.

- Are you insane? What are we doing? - We're getting away.

All units, we need backup! We need backup!

Put down your weapon! Get out of your vehicle!

We can't go this way.

- Shit. - What now, huh?

Shit!

There!

Diana.

Hey.

Diana.

Diana!

Go!

Let's go. Let's go!

Get up, you fucking baby.

- Don't move!

Keep your hands up! Put them on the wheel!

Get out.

Slow down. I got punched in the throat.

I got hit by a fucking car. Did you see that?

What do you got in the trunk?

I don't know anything about the people in the trunk.

¡Ayúdame, por favor!

Let me see your hands. My hand--

- This-- He shot me! - They shot me first.

We're all going downtown.

For what? I'm in a trunk.

How about you do your little handcuff trick for me?

Just wait till we get back to the car.

Oh, come on. Just take 'em off. Shut up and give me a minute.

You should be dead. You got hit by a car.

I mean, are you even human?

It just looked bad.

It sure did. Ow!

You know, the part of the trick is you just relax your legs.

Better chance of catching a roll. I read it on wikiHow. Ow.

Well, you can make light of it, but what you did saved my life,

and... thank you.

You're only in that spot because of me, so--

Well, fair is fair.

**

Hello?

Dad! Daddy!

Hi.

Mm.

Hi. Hi.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Diana. Trish, Jessie, Franny.

Meet Diana. Hi.

Oh.

Hi.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

Diana's gonna be staying with us just for tonight,

and I'm gonna take her into work with me in the morning.

If that's okay.

It's kind of mandatory.

You've got some food on your face.

Where?

- Up here, like in this area.

No, you have food on yourface.

No, I don't have food on my face. Where?

There!

- Here? - No!

I would know.

- It's not over here. That's my clean cheek. - Now you have three places.

Here, here and here.

You guys are driving me crazy, 'cause I-- Nothing's here.

Nothing's here.

Oh, yes, it is.

See?

Babe, babe, please. Jessie.

Oh, that's a lot.

Would you-- Would you like some help with that?

That's okay. I'm-- I'm almost done.

I, uh--

I know you're-- you're probably wondering,

you know, what--

what happened, you know, on our whole trip...

and, uh, the open road.

And I just wanted to, uh, put your mind at ease...

that, you know, nothing happened between the two of us.

So, you know--

I put it out there, but he did not pick it up.

And, you know, there's sup-- surprising, 'cause I--

I don't know if you've heard of the Bermuda Triangle,

which is kind of in here.

And it's--

You know, once you go in,

it's real hard to come back out, you know, so--

Because some people don't want to.

Some people just get lost in there, emotionally.

Um, I just-- I wanted you to know...

that he was a perfect gentleman,

and he did not lay a finger, you know,

on or in me.

Okay.

Um--

You know, uh--

He really loves you.

Thank you.

Okay.

She'd go away for, like, 10 years.

And she's not a bad person.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm such a chump.

You're not a chump.

If I didn't turn her in,

I mean--

We'd survive.

Diana.

I'm going in alone.

Where's Diana?

She said she had to go.

How long ago did she leave?

After she did our hair... andour makeup.

Here. Wait. Let me get some.

...how our fund is performing.

Well, it's a shareholder fund.

Couldn't make it happen.

And to be honest, it wouldn't have happened anyway.

Just wasn't meant to be.

Patterson.

Hi.

Hey, Sandy.

- Okay. - What's going on?

That completes the statement process. You've been read your rights.

This officer's gonna take you into custody.

Mr. Patterson.

You are no longer a focus in this investigation.

And she took responsibility for everything that happened in St. Louis.

I'd be happy to provide your employer with a letter making that clear.

You got your good name back.

Congratulations. Thanks.

Um, could I just--

Could I have just one second with her, please?

Sure.

Let's go.

Thanks.

I don't understand.

Well, if I pop out of these that quickly,

he'll get all emasculated and--

And there was a pretty good chance...

that this thing was gonna end with cops, right?

Just didn't think I'd still be here.

I just thought I'd take advantage of a free ride...

and when I felt like it, you know, skip out.

I just didn't do that.

How come you snuck away this morning?

Because I knew you weren't gonna turn me in.

And this is the right thing.

I gotta go.

Thank you.

I really loved our trip.

Congratulations. Thanks.

This is you. Come on.

Come on, girls.

Okay. Big breath, big wish. Everybody together.

Close together.

Yay for Daddy! You guys wish?

Does Mommy want one more? Yes.

Honey, honey, honey, please! Are you kidding me?

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. You know what?

Actually, we'll take this to go.

We gotta go. We gotta go. Where?

Very late. Let's go.

I can't believe how beautiful she is.

I mean, to me, she's still-- She really does look like a Diana.

- Let it go. - I'm lettin' it go, but--

Sorry.

Are you kidding me? You are pulling these out of your pocket.

- No. - I will shiv you in the yard. I will shiv you in the yard.

All right, visitation's over in five minutes.

All right, break it down for us real quick.

Okay. Here we go.

Math, "A." Typical.

Accounting, "B." Nice.

And Econ?

Well, you know-- What happened?

- You guys have been studying for weeks, haven't you? - I know, but I just got this.

Ooh.

Whoo-whoo!

Nice going. - I know. I know.

- I'm putting this in the file. - Oh, come on.

Not like somebody's gonna hire an ex-con.

I'm actually starting a first-step program,

and I have a few years to figure it out.

Three, with good behavior.

And how is that going, by the way? Great.

Good. Great. Decent, you know.

Some of these dykes are still really getting up into my sweet junk.

- But I don't let 'em. - Um, girls--

- Sweet junk is just-- - Dessert.

- She's having a problem in the mess hall. - We should probably get going.

The lesson there, if you listen, is that if you're in the woods,

and maybe a boyish female bear with corn rows...

comes at you this way, meaning this way,

and you just deflect.

It is always nice to see you, and we'll wait out-- Girls, let's get going.

What are you gonna do? Not let 'em in, right?

Come here. I'll be out in one minute.

Bye, Diana. Okay. Stay beautiful, okay?

Hey, I'll see you in a couple months? Okay.

All right? Love you.

Love you too.

I got you something. Ooh.

I pulled some strings with Reilly,

and we ran your fingerprints through the Wisconsin state database,

and we got that.

My name.

"Dawn Budgie."

That's a terrible fucking name.

It's a really bad name.

It's not as great as I was hoping, but it-- it's you.

Thanks, Sandy.

But, uh, I already know who I am.

Yep. Thanks.

- Back in your cage, bitch. - No--

- Budgie? -

- Sorry. -

**

**

No, Sandy's a girl's name.

It's not. It's unisex.